Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who want to know if their marriage stands a chance after they cheated or had an affair. They are often dealing with a very angry spouse who is feeling many negative emotions toward them. So, things can feel a little hopeless, especially in the beginning.

I recently heard from a wife who said in part:  “I had an affair a couple of months ago.  I didn’t last for long and I never even entertained the thought of leaving my husband.  In fact, I still love my husband and desperately want to save my marriage.  But my husband openly admits he hates me for having an affair.  He says he is willing to try to save our marriage.  But his tone of voice doesn’t give me a lot of hope.  He looks at me with loathing in his eyes.  I understand why he feels the way that he does and I don’t blame him at all.  But, does my marriage even stand a chance when he feels such hatred toward me now?  Will he ever change his mind? Or should I save us both a lot of heartache and walk away now?”

These are difficult questions because the answers vary depending upon the couple and the circumstances involved.  However, you often won’t know if your marriage stands a chance until you hang in there and see for yourself.  If you give up and walk away, you might never truly know what might have happened had you saw it through.  With that said, there are things that you can do to give your marriage a better chance of surviving, which I will discuss more below.

Understand That Your Spouse Having Strong Emotions Can Actually Be A Positive Sign: I know that this may not make sense to you right now, but your spouse claiming to hate you or even showing extreme anger toward you isn’t always the worst thing that you could experience.  Because your spouse’s strong feelings can be indicative of how much they care.  If they didn’t have real or strong feelings for you, their reaction may not be as dramatic or strong as it is right now.  To me, it is always more discouraging to see a spouse just quietly walk away without much fanfare or anger.  This reaction is more indicative that the marriage has less of a chance to survive.  Because the betrayed spouse isn’t experiencing strong emotions, they are more likely to be completely done with very few regrets about the same.

What You Might Be Seeing Is Hatred For Your Actions Rather Than Real Hatred For You: I have to be honest and admit that I told my husband that I hated him on countless occasions after he cheated on me.  And I meant every word that I said at the time.  It took me a while to realize that I hated what he did instead of hating him as a person.  I don’t believe it’s all that common to go from feeling love to feeling hate in the blink of an eye.  Yes, you can absolutely loathe the fact that your spouse betrayed you and had an affair.  You can loathe their judgment and lack of impulse control.  But you sometimes realize that you don’t really hate them as a person.

Once I calmed down, I couldn’t deny the fact that my husband had always been a solid person who was always there for me.  I couldn’t forget how he supported me, loved me, and protected me for many years of our married life.  It’s very easy to forget all of the good when you are faced with such a horrific demonstration of the bad.  But eventually, most people begin to remember the good and gain a bit of perspective.

In Order To Move Past The Negative Feelings More Quickly, You Must Show Some Positive Rehabilitation To Your Spouse: I understand that it likely feels awful to hear your spouse say that although they’ll try to save your marriage, they have their doubts because of their own feelings of hatred.  It’s normal to want to change their mind right away.  But, you need to understand that they are likely going to want to see several things from you before they can even begin to change their mind or let go of some of their hatred.

First of all, they must truly believe that you are sorry for cheating.  They must believe that you understand exactly why and how you are wrong and take full responsibility for what was ultimately their own decision.  They have to believe that you are so remorseful that you wouldn’t dare risk your marriage like this even again.  If you are not yet feeling these things, then you’re probably better off  stepping back until you do.  It’s not fair to ask your spouse to back off of their feelings when you aren’t sure of your own.

In short, if you want to be forgiven, then you have to act in a way that makes you forgivable.  This means placing the blame exactly where it belongs – with you.  It also means that you take responsibility for coming up with and taking the lead on the path that is going to lead you out of here.  You should not just sit around and wait for your spouse to make every move or to lead the way.  That is really up to you. Yes, they may chose to follow you if they believe in your sincerity.  But taking the first step is really not up to them.  It is up to you.

There isn’t any quick or overnight answer or remedy.  Restoring the trust and commitment takes time.  They are likely reeling from the pain, confusion, uncertainty that they are experiencing.  You can’t expect them to just immediately quiet their doubts and fears for your own sake.  It’s perfectly natural for them to feel some reluctance and to give in to the urge to hurt you as much as you have hurt them.

This phase often doesn’t last forever, but it helps if you understand it and then validate them by telling them that you not only understand them, but you don’t blame them either.  And that, because of this, you’re willing to have the patience to allow them the space and time to grieve before you work together to recover.

When my husband cheated on me, I never thought that the hatred I felt would ever go away.  But it eventually did.  And I now realize that I hated his actions rather than him.  Our marriage eventually recovered and we’re quite happy today.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are struggling with trust issues after their husband cheated or had an affair.  Many truly do want to save their marriages and to learn to trust their husband again, but either his behavior or their own doubts and gut feelings stand in their way.

I recently heard from a wife, who said: “we have been working on our marriage after my husband’s affair.  I initially felt that we had made some progress, but lately, I’ve just been having these nagging little feelings that I am stupid to trust him.  I haven’t really caught him doing anything wrong and he’s been home on time and is very attentive to me.  I guess my problem stems from the fact that I’m worried that he’s acting almost too perfect or too trustworthy and this makes me suspicious.  Believe it or not, I met ‘the other woman’ who he cheated on me with and we became somewhat friendly.  She actually seems to be quite remorseful for cheating with him and she offered to try to “tempt him” to see if he would be willing to cheat on me again.  That way, I would know if he’s really trustworthy.  If using her is not a good idea, I have other friends that would probably be willing to help me out.  What do you think?  Is trying to tempt your husband to see if he will cheat again ever a good idea?”  I’ll tell you my take on this in the following article.

Think Twice Before You Add An Additional Betrayal Into A Bad Situation: While I understand having doubts and trust issues after infidelity, trying to set up a fake scenario to “tempt” your husband is just introducing one more betrayal and lie into an already difficult equation.  And, there truly are so many unknowns here.  The wife was actually trusting the “other woman” over her own husband.  Although I understand that this woman had been sympathetic and a friendship had begun to develop, there is no way to be sure what this woman’s true motivations were.

She may well have been using this situation to worm her way into the couple’s life again.  And, how could you believe anything that she had to say about what really happened? She has already lied and showed herself to be lacking in integrity once.  Granted, the husband had shown the same lack of integrity, but the wife in this scenario was invested in him and had spent half of her adult life with him.  The same was certainly not true of the other woman.

Determine If Honesty Is More Important Than Trickery: If you look at this situation rationally, the husband hadn’t done anything to indicate that he was cheating again.  It was a feeling that the wife had.  While I absolutely believe in intuition, I don’t think that it’s a valid reason to allow another woman who has already betrayed you once back into your life.  Also, sometimes our own fears and doubts will read as intuition when in fact they’re still just our fears and doubts that are not backed by anything solid or real.

When I explained this to the wife, she asked if perhaps she should have another friend come on to her husband to see what would happen.  This way, she reasoned, she would still get her answer, but she wouldn’t allow the other woman (who he had already cheated with) back into her husband’s life.  I still felt that this was a bad idea.  Because the only thing that has changed about the plan is the identify of the woman who was doing to the tempting.  It is still a dishonest thing to do at a time when you are insisting that honestly is the most important thing to you.

If there are still trust issues or doubts within your marriage, in my opinion and experience, the best thing to do is to face them head on and attempt to heal them rather than trying to “tempt” or force re-injury by introducing fake scenarios.  If the husband found out about what the wife was doing, he probably wasn’t going to be very happy, and would then develop his own set of trust issues – especially if he was in fact being trustworthy and doing exactly what he had claimed all along.)

So, instead of having trust issues that stem from one act of betrayal (the affair,) you will now potentially be grappling with trust issues coming from both sides, from both spouses, and from two acts of betrayal.   This only intensifies the problem and makes recovery more difficult.  The wife insisted that her goal truly was to save her marriage, but she was afraid that she really couldn’t trust her husband.  This is very understandable and I understand how this feels.

But usually, the best way to address an issue like this is to take an honest, straight forward and positive stance.  If you still don’t trust your husband, then your best bet is to be honest with him and brainstorm some things that will put your mind at ease.  Usually, continuing to strengthen your marriage and to work together will be  more effective at putting your worries to rest than playing games and inviting someone back into your life that should already be gone.

I know that trust is hard to come by after an affair.  And often, truly rebuilding it will take time. Cutting corners by playing games (like trying to “tempt” your husband into cheating again) so often backfire and do more harm than good.  I know this from my own experience and I did a lot of similar things that only caused me more pain.  Eventually I realized that honesty truly was the best path.  This made all of the difference and our marriage did eventually fully recover.  If it helps, you can read more about our path to recovery after his affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who truly can’t stand the sight of their husbands after they’ve learned that he’s cheated or had an affair.  Many just don’t know how to deal with him so they’d rather not be in his presence at all, at least for a while.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I’ve been completely ignoring my husband since I found out about his affair.  I just don’t have any use for him.  He’s staying with his old college roommate and I do not even feel badly about that.  He calls, I ignore him.  He tries to come by the house, I don’t answer the door.   I block his texts and emails.   The other day, he left a note in the mailbox that asked ‘are you going to ignore me forever?’  At this point, that is my plan.  I don’t have anything to say to him and I figure if he keeps right on trying to reach out to me after my ignoring him then maybe he’s really serious.  My friend says that I am playing a dangerous game with my marriage, but I really don’t care at this point.  Is it best to ignore your husband after an affair? Or is there some rule that says that you should hear him out or talk to him?”

Although There Are No Rules, Selective Attention Can Have Its Place: There’s no distinct set of rules pertaining to behavior after an affair.  Most people just try to do what feels right or comfortable to them at the time.  And ignoring the husband who cheated or had an affair can feel necessary because you just don’t know what to say or how to respond to him when you feel so very angry.  Also, many wives tend to ignore their husbands after an affair because they don’t feel that he deserves their response or even their time.  And, the wives can almost see this process as a bit of a test.  The whole thought process is something like “if he continues to come around time and time again after I ignore him, maybe he really does love me and is sincere.”

I do completely understand this.  I did not allow my husband access to me for awhile after his affair.  I did not want to see him, talk to him, or even be in his presence at all.  The mere sight of him made me literally shake.  So, I wanted to avoid these bad feelings and reactions for as long as I could.  I would turn my back on his apologies.  There were times that I childishly put my hands over my ears to signify to him that he could talk endlessly but I wasn’t going to listen anyway.  And you know what?  This can feel very good and very just at the time.  After all, he’s hurt and frustrated you, so doesn’t he deserve a little pain and frustration himself?

Honest Conversations Also Serve A Useful Purpose: I certainly don’t disagree with this.  But as good and as right as ignoring him might feel right now, there usually comes a time when it’s no longer useful to you.  At some point, whether you decide to save your marriage or not, you’re probably going to want some closure.  And in order to get that, you are probably going to need to sit down and let each of you have your say.  Even if it’s just to tell him how angry and disappointed that you are with his actions, letting it out can be better than keeping it in.

And, often hearing just what your husband has to say can take a lot of mystery or unanswered questions out of the process.  Nothing says that, after you hearing him out that you need to make any decisions or even offer any encouragement to him.  But, for your own sake, it can be healing to listen to what he has to say rather than to continue to wonder.  And, if he is full of apologies and remorse, this often gives you at least some relief.  And, if he is not, at least you know where he stands and now have all of the information to justify whatever decision that you might make.

With all of this said, it is your right to set the pace.  If you don’t feel that you want to talk to or see him right now, then that’s perfectly fine.  It is your call to make and you shouldn’t let him or anyone else push you to a place of discomfort. But, you might avoid a little drama if you communicate this with him and make it clear that you need some time to yourself, that you’re just not ready to listen to him right now, and that you will let him know when you are.

As far of the strategy of ignoring your husband to make him desperate to reach you so that he feels more sorry and wants you that much more, I do understand this thinking.  It’s a very common strategy and it swings the control and the power back to you.  When someone betrays you, you’re often left feeling that you are at the mercy of the circumstances that you yourself did not chose.  This is extremely frustrating.  So anything that you can do to feel in control again is very appealing.  But, be careful that you do not take it too far.

Because if you do have any interest at all in saving your marriage, sometimes husbands in this situation eventually give up because the wife leads them to believe (partly through completely ignoring him) that there is no hope.  And when he gives up, the wife will sometimes think:  ‘I knew it! He just didn’t love me enough.’  And sometimes, the husband is thinking the exact same thing.  But both people are let down, frustrated, and broken hearted and this a real shame.  I understand your thought process, but understand that it’s possible to take the game too far so that you end up losing what you deep down truly want.

As you might be able to tell from the tone of this article, I played the same game with my husband after his affair.  I just didn’t want anything to do with him.  But eventually, after I took this a little too far, I realized that I was actually hiding from the closure that I truly needed.  Eventually, I decided to drop the whole ignoring strategy and face my husband.  This was the beginning of us reconciling, but it took a lot of work.  If it helps, you can read more about that healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from spouses who admit that they cheated only to get back at the spouse who cheated on them first.  Many cheat thinking that their actions are going to show their spouse how it feels to be cheated on or make their spouse jealous enough to stop his own cheating long enough to save the marriage.  Whatever the reason, many people who engage in what I call “revenge cheating” never intend to enter into a long term relationship that means anything to them.  They just wanted to make a point, get a little revenge, and then move on.

But what can sometimes happen is that the revenge cheating can create its own set of unique problems and intensify the problems that were already present.  I recently heard from a wife who said, in part:  “after I found out that my husband cheated on me, I was furious, but willing to work on saving our marriage as long as he proved to me that he was worth my efforts.  I expected him to fall over himself apologizing, but he really didn’t.   Instead, he seemed unsure of which one of us he wanted and he took his sweet time about making a decision.  Meanwhile, a male friend at work was very supportive of me.  It was extremely easy to turn to this other guy when my husband was being such a jerk.  I didn’t hide my cheating from my husband.  I wanted him to know.  And his response was exactly what I wanted.  He was jealous. He wanted me to leave the other guy and come back to him.  But it wasn’t as easy as I thought.  I developed feelings for the other guy, who has always been there for me.  And, when my husband and I do try to work on our marriage, we are so angry at and so suspicious toward each other.  It’s just one huge mess.  I feel so torn and confused all of the time.  The irony is that now I sort of understand my husband’s thought process and the way that he was caught in the middle.  You never expect for real emotions to be involved in cheating or an affair, but I do have real feelings for both people.  Where do I go from here?  I still want to save my marriage.  But I’m worried that there’s just no where to go from here because of all of the anger and betrayal.”

Situations like this one are tough.  Because now you truly are dealing with three distinct relationships.  You have the marital relationship, the relationship between the husband and the other woman, and the relationship between the wife and the other man.  The first step would be for both husband and wife to be completely honest with themselves to try to determine which of these relationships were most important to them and which they were willing to sacrifice to save the other.

Take The Time To Figure Out What You Truly Want: This is sometimes more difficult than was originally anticipated, especially since both parties were admitting that they had real feelings for other people.  But, saving your marriage is hard enough when both people are fully committed and invested.  If there are doubts and reservations about this, then it’s best to wait until both people are sure.  Spouses in this situation often ask me how they are supposed to make up their minds.  They say that when they are with their spouse, they realize that they want to be with their spouse and save their marriage.  But, when they are with the other person, then they change their mind and don’t want to give them up either.

In my opinion and experience, the most authentic way to go about this is to take some time on your own to sort it out.  Pause both relationships and spend some time by yourself exploring how you truly feel.  That way, you are not influenced by the person that you’re interacting with at the time.  This usually isn’t an immediate process.  Take your time to determine how you really feel.  If you go back to one relationship out of obligation, but you have doubts because your heart is with someone else, you’re pretty much ensuring that the relationship that you are trying to save will either fail or struggle greatly.  So, it’s important to be sure of what (and who) you truly want.

Let Go Of The Relationship That You Need To Exit: Once you have made this decision, then you have to completely remove the relationship that you did not choose.  It’s very unrealistic (and unfair) to think that you’re going to save a relationship that you are not 100 percent committed  to because you are still thinking about someone else.   Once you have made that decision, there should be no turning back and no living in both worlds.  If you choose your marriage, then you must do everything in your power to give your marriage the best chance of success.  This means letting go of the other person completely.  You should not call, text, see, or interact with them.  Since the wife worked with the other man, it was important that she either ask for a transfer or set some very clear boundaries if she was serious about saving her marriage.

Following through on your claims is extremely important because it is the only way for your spouse to eventually decide that they can trust you and believe that you are serious about remaining faithful.  If you cannot follow through with what you say, then you are better off never saying anything or waiting until you are absolutely sure.

Approach All Issues Methodically And Completely: I have seen plenty of marriages that are saved after both spouses were cheating (and even after revenge cheating) but it certainly isn’t always easy.   Obviously, there are extra steps and considerations in the process because you are dealing with an additional relationship with it’s own set of issues, hurt feelings, and problems.  The key is to approach all of the issues in a very methodical way and to work very hard at creating a united front where both people are equally committed and willing to do whatever is necessary to recover.

The good news is that often once both of the “cheating” relationships are removed from the equation for a reasonable amount of time, usually both of the spouses can begin to see their own mistakes and mistaken beliefs pretty clearly.  In other words, they usually eventually come to realize that the other relationship wasn’t as special or as real as they originally thought, but that it felt like it at the time because of all their own issues and doubts.

I know that this might seem like a huge, tangled mess.  But healing is often eventually possible.  You will often need a lot of patience and a very methodical but open approach.  If you had told me a month after my husband’s cheating that we would one day be happily married again, I would have never believed it.  But that is precisely what happened.  If it helps, you can read more about how we saved our marriage after his cheating on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: This is an extremely common question.   Many couples feel pressured or rushed to resume their sex life  after one of them cheats or has an affair.   Many see having sex again as one way to signify their commitment to making the marriage work and restoring the passion and chemistry within their marriage so that no one ever comes between them again.  But, the experiences that the spouses have while the sex is happening can vary dramatically.   Some couples will tell you that, for whatever strange and unknown reason, the sex is actually better after the affair.  And, on the opposite end of the spectrum, one of the spouse’s can have the complete opposite experience.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: ” I have no sexual enjoyment any more after my husband’s affair.  I want to have sex with him because I want to save my marriage and I want to know that he desires me because it allows for me to feel in control again.  But, when it is actually happening, I just can’t help but thinking about him having sex with her.  And it’s almost like I’m experiencing this outside of my own body so that I’m certainly not enjoying the sex while it is happening.  I feel numb.  And I feel emotional pain.  And I feel resentment toward my husband because he’s just continuing on enjoying himself and not even noticing what I’m feeling or struggling with.  And then I start to think that my husband could have sex and enjoy it no matter what circumstances surround him and I wonder what kind of person he really is while my mind continues churning. This is devastating to me.  I want to enjoy sex with my husband again.  I want to be both emotionally and physically present.  But neither of these things look to be in my immediate future.  Is there any hope for this to ever happen?”

There is always hope.  And there are often very fixable reasons that the faithful spouse isn’t enjoying sex after the affair.  I will discuss them (and offer some tips for fixing them) below.

If You’re Not Healing Emotionally, You’re Likely Not Healing Sexually: There is no doubt in my mind that the sexual health of a relationship is directly affected by the emotional health of it.  And, when you are struggling to move past a spouse’s cheating or affair within your marriage, then that same marriage is going to suffer a large and unavoidable blow.

Many people attempt to use sex as a way to move past that blow (or at least to make the first attempts toward healing it.)  And when the sex isn’t all that great or enjoyable, some just don’t put 2 and 2 together and understand that they can’t truly connect physically until they are connecting emotionally.  There are often many issues to work through.  Trust, respect, and honesty are just a few examples.  If you are still struggling with understanding or coping with your spouse’s betrayal, it can be extremely hard to feel true desire for them(or from them.) You can also have trouble feeling  comfortable expressing or carrying out any desire that you do feel because you are afraid of being hurt or betrayed again.

And, it’s very common for the faithful spouse to think about sex with the other person during the act.  You begin to wonder if he enjoyed it more with her, if they did the same things that you do (or are doing right this minute,) and if he is thinking about her while he is experiencing this with you.  These thoughts are extremely common.  Feeling them doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you.  But, it’s important to acknowledge and challenge them as you are ready, because it’s not fair for you to constantly have to pay for someone else’s mistakes.  It’s not fair for your enjoyment and experiences to be negatively affected by something that is in no way your fault.  And you shouldn’t have to be punished and hurt over and over again.

My suggestion would be not force yourself to do anything until you are ready to do it.  Many wives worry that if they deny their husband’s sex after the affair, then he is going to be more likely to go back to or attempt to get it from the other woman.  While I do understand this, responding to these worries by forcing yourself to do something that you don’t enjoy is just as risky as holding off, in my opinion. I believe that it’s better to wait until there’s no question that you can’t keep your hands off of each other.  You will know that he was willing to wait because you are worth it and he will know that your feelings are not forced or fake.

While many wives think that their husband’s have no idea that they aren’t enjoying themselves during sex, I suspect that he knows more than you might think, but sometimes he is hoping that if you continue on, that this will work itself out.

Regaining Your Emotional And Sexual Confidence: Many people know and understand that your sexual confidence takes a blow after your spouse has an affair, but few acknowledge or address their emotional confidence.  It’s very likely that you have some self doubt as to where you may have contributed to his affair or fallen short as a wife.  You may be struggling with your own self doubt as well as doubting how he truly feels about you.  All of these things can create the perfect storm to negatively affect any interactions that you might be having (and this includes sex.)

Sometimes, you are at a place where you can’t or just don’t trust what he’s telling you.  He might be saying that you are still beautiful to him and that he would do anything to regain your trust.  He may be coming right home after work and he may seem willing to give you what you’ve asked for.  And, yet those nagging doubts and insecurities are still there because you wonder if it is all for show or to catch you off guard when he cheats again.   Needless to say, it’s almost going to be impossible to enjoy the give and take that goes hand in hand with sex when you are having these conflicting feelings. So where does that leave you?

It leaves you with both emotional and physical issues to fix.  You have to understand that one is intimately tied to the other and that, when one suffers, so does the other.  You can’t have a fulling sexual relationship with your spouse if you don’t trust or aren’t connected to them emotionally.  Does this mean that you should or have to swear off sex until you repair your marriage after infidelity? Not necessarily.

But I would suggest not being shy about anything that is still bothering you.  Remaining silent and continuing to be hurt and robbed of enjoyment isn’t really fair to either of you.  It is absolutely possible to enjoy sex again after your husband’s affair, but sometimes, time alone is not enough to make this happen.  You often need to be very proactive about reclaiming what is yours – and that includes your husband, your own self esteem, and your own marriage.

I can’t deny that sex was an issue for us after my husband’s affair.  At first, I just went through the motions and pretended like nothing was wrong, but I eventually realized that this wasn’t helping matters.  Eventually, I became very proactive about my restoring my sexual confidence and this made all the difference. If it helps, you can read more about how I did this, on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from wives who are confused as to why their husband is suddenly claiming not to love them any more after his affair has been discovered.  I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “the affair is still pretty fresh.  I only found out about three weeks ago.  And I am in such pain.  I’ve been repeatedly asking my husband why he had an affair.  For a while, he kept telling me that he doesn’t know.  But yesterday, he finally blurted out ‘because I don’t love you.’  This hurts so much, but it also confuses me because, just three days ago, he was proclaiming his undying love for me and begging for my forgiveness.  And, three months ago, we closed on a home that we are having built.  Why would a man who doesn’t love his wife make plans for the future?  And why would a man who doesn’t love his wife repeatedly tell her that he does while asking for her forgiveness?  None of this makes any sense.  I’m not saying that we didn’t have problems in our marriage that contributed to the affair.  But I don’t believe for one second that he doesn’t love me.  Why would he claim that he doesn’t?”

There are many potential reasons that a husband might claim he doesn’t love you after his affair.  I will go over some of them in the following article.

Your Husband Might Say He Doesn’t Love You After Cheating Or Having An Affair As A Defense Mechanism: Many husbands know full well that what they have done is terribly wrong and that they deserve your full wrath and extreme anger as a result.  They don’t look all that forward to this process, even though most realize that they were in the wrong and this is pretty much all their fault.

Still, they sometimes want to avoid your looks of disappointment, your continuing questions, and your potentially telling him that you can’t love him or continue on with the marriage anymore.  So, he figures he will beat you to the punch.  If he can proclaim that he doesn’t love you before you can tell him the same, then he feels a greater sense of control.

He May Not Have An Answer For You As To Why He Cheated.  He May Feel Like Not Loving You Is A Reason That You Will Not Question: Many husbands aren’t being completely untruthful when they tell you that they aren’t quite sure why they cheated. Often, one reason that they cheat is because of personal issues, flaws, or disappointments that they just don’t want to (or can’t) face.  In that sense, they are almost in denial.  So, when you ask them what would make you do something like this or what in the world they were thinking, sometimes they truly do not an answer for you that is going to make any sort of sense.  And so, they cling to the one thing that is the most likely to get you to stop asking questions – the claim that they no longer love you.  Even if this isn’t true, they might hope this declaration stops you from continuing to ask or to look too closely at them. In a way, he’s hoping that this stops you in your tracks and inspires you to stop pushing.

Sometimes A Husband Will Tell You That He Doesn’t Love You After His Cheating Or Affair Because He Is Shifting The Blame Onto You: Believe it or not, dealing with the aftermath of the affair can be somewhat painful to the man who cheated.  It can be very difficult to analyze, admit to, and then answer for his behavior.  Sometimes, in order to avoid this discomfort, a man will become defensive.  Because it can be uncomfortable and painful to take full responsibility for such horrible and dishonest behavior, a man will look for a way to shift the blame. Sometimes, men or husbands will give you the line that you didn’t understand them and weren’t there for them.  Other times, they’ll just proclaim that they didn’t love you as this excuse possibly makes more sense than any other – even if they (or you) don’t fully believe this.

He Might Actually Think Or Believe He Doesn’t Love You (At Least For Now) Often, a man has to alter his thinking in order to carry out cheating or an affair.  I often hear comments like “the husband that I know would never cheat.”  Or “the man that I loved had integrity and wasn’t a liar or a cheat which is why I don’t understand why he did this.”  And it’s for reasons like these that men often have to put up defense mechanisms to quiet those doubts and those feelings of guilt that are constantly plaguing them during this process.  As the result, they will sometimes attempt to close themselves off to those things which used to matter a great deal to them.  They might back away from old friends, their jobs, their kids, or even you because remaining in close contact while they are being so dishonest is very difficult.

So they may actually convince themselves that they are happier or more themselves while they are cheating.  They might actually think that they’ve developed loving feelings for the other woman.  They might tell themselves that for the first time they are happy, thinking about themselves first, and living the lifestyle that they have wanted all along.  And since you are part of their old life, they may try to distance themselves from you and proclaim that they don’t (or perhaps never did) love you.

If there’s any silver lining in all of this it’s that usually, with some time, many men do eventually realize how flawed their thinking and their actions truly were and they begin to see things more clearly.  It’s not at all uncommon for them to later realize that they do in fact love you and they did in fact make a colossal mistake.  Sometimes, this realization comes too late and sometimes, their wives are willing to give them one more chance to make things right.  But there really are countless reasons that a man might claim that he doesn’t love you after an affair and many of these reasons turn out to be invalid or just not true.

My husband didn’t necessarily claim he didn’t love me after his affair, but he did initially make underhanded comments that implied that the affair was partially my fault.  With the passage of time, and with my making it very clear that I would not tolerate this kind of blame shifting, he eventually backed off of that stance and became more himself.  After a lot of work and healing, our marriage did recover after his affair and is pretty fulfilling now.  If it helps, you can read more about how we healed on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch:  I get a lot of correspondence about online cheating and chatting.  Judging from the numbers, it seems that this type of infidelity is on the rise and couples can’t agree about whether it’s really cheating.  The person who is doing it often doesn’t see it as being unfaithful while the spouse who catches this behavior often sees it as not only a true betrayal, but also deplorable behavior.

I recently heard from a husband who was a bit shocked by his wife’s reaction to his online “chatting.”  The wife had been on their computer and an IM popped up from a woman who called her husband by name.  The wife identified herself and the other woman (or whoever it actually was on the other side of the computer) proceeded to recount an online relationship with her husband and gave so many personal details that the wife knew at least part of it must be true.

When the wife confronted her husband, he knew that he had to at least partially come clean because the wife had so many details that it was almost impossible to deny.  But the husband truly didn’t think he was really cheating and he didn’t understand why his wife was as furious as she was and considering walking out the door.  He said in part: “yes, I chat and flirt with people online to blow off some steam.  The comments get graphic and inappropriate.  I admit that.  But, I’ve never had physical contact with any of these people and I love and am committed to my wife.  But my wife acts as if I had a real life affair.  I do not agree with this.  I was just flirting with people online.  Is online cheating really cheating?  Because my wife acts like I betrayed her in the worst way.  I actually think she hates me because she can’t even look me in the eye and says she might go and stay with her mother and take the kids because I’ve destroyed our marriage.  I’m sorry for what I did, but is it really worth ending my marriage over?”  I’ll try to address these questions in the following article.

Online Cheating Is A Betrayal That Can Be Every Bit As Damaging To Your Marriage As “Real” Cheating: This issue has become so common.  And often the person who is online doesn’t see what they are doing as cheating.  But the spouse who catches them online most certainly does.  If you’re the person who has been “chatting” / cheating online, here is what you really need to understand.

Although your intentions may not have been to cheat on or hurt your spouse, you very likely carried out your actions under a cloak of secrecy.  You shared something with someone else that should have been shared with your spouse.  You got your needs met from someone other than your spouse and these things are likely extremely hurtful and feel like a betrayal.  So, your actions can be every bit as damaging to your marriage as a physical betrayal.  I know that this might not make sense to you, but you have to understand that your spouse’s feelings are very real.  To help you understand, I’ll go over how your spouse likely feels right now.

How Your Spouse Feels When You Cheat Online: I didn’t hear from the wife in this situation, but honestly, I didn’t have to.  I hear from enough spouses who have caught their partner cheating or chatting online to know how they feel.  And I can tell you the very common reactions that I see almost across the board.  Your spouse is often disgusted and shocked that you would graphically communicate or interact with someone that you don’t even know when your family is sleeping or under the same roof.  Here’s the type of comments that I hear from spouses who catch online cheating or chatting: “I’m repulsed by what he said to a person that he doesn’t even know.   It almost reads like he’s a pervert or something.  It’s disgusting to think of him down in her basement hunched over in the middle of the night interacting with strangers while his family is asleep.  How does he know that he’s really talking to a woman?  The person on the other end of the computer could be a 400 pound man or even someone who is under age.  What in the world was he thinking? How could he have such poor judgment? Don’t I meet his needs?  Why can’t he approach me with whatever needs or fantasies that he has?  Do I not turn him on enough?  I’m not sure if I can ever look at him the same way again after this.  The person I know just wouldn’t do this.”

Now, this reaction may seem overly dramatic to you, but try to put yourself in your spouse’s position.  This truly can (and often does) feel like a betrayal.  And even though you were not physical with the other person, you cannot deny that an exchange took place that did not include your spouse.  Because of this, the recovery for online cheating is often the same as it is for “real” or physical cheating.

Recovery For Online Cheating: If you want to get your spouse to trust you again or you want your marriage to recover from this, then you need to approach it as real.  Rather than denying that you did anything all that bad or questioning your spouse’s reaction, it is often in your best interest to validate them.  Even if you don’t feel that your actions justify their reaction, you can certainly still be very remorseful that you have hurt them in this way and you can still want to make things right.

And this will often require for you to listen to what they have to say without arguing or constantly defending yourself, showing genuine remorse, and then removing the behaviors or circumstances that lead up to this.  What this means is that you can no longer chat or cheat and you should remove any temptations to revert back to old behaviors.  I think it’s a good idea to put the computer out in the open so that you’re not tempted.  You will also need to repair your marriage because this likely did a good deal of damage to it.

This is sometimes easier said than done because there are issues that lead up to this point that will have to be addressed.  It’s not always an easy or quick process, but if your marriage and your spouse are important to you, then you’ll often be willing to do whatever is necessary to make true recovery possible.

You may disagree, but it’s my belief that online cheating is “real cheating” because I have seen it damage a marriage as much as physical infidelity.  And I believe that the healing process is the same regardless of whether the infidelity was physical.  The good news is that healing and rehabilitation are always possible if both people are willing.  My marriage did recover after my husband’s infidelity and our marriage actually improved in some ways.  If it helps, you can read more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives who are dealing with infidelity confess to me that they feel that if they could just get their husband to leave or break things off with the other woman, they could save their marriage and move on with their lives.  So, many of them rejoice when their husband finally ends the relationship with the mistress or other woman, thinking that the bulk of their problems are over.  Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case because sometimes, this woman has a very hard time letting the husband go or bowing out gracefully.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband ended the relationship with the other woman, but she refuses to accept this.  And she’s determined to destroy our marriage.  She is constantly sending messages on my Facebook account or emails that says things like ‘do you know where your husband is?’  Or, she will send photos of them and claim that they were taken recently when my husband swears that they are old pictures.   Part of me has some doubt about this, but in one of the photos he’s wearing a shirt that he no longer has, so I know that she’s lying about that one.  One time, she told my husband that she saw me with another man and texted him to ask if he was sure I wasn’t cheating to get back at him.  That other man was my boss who I am not even remotely attracted to and we were having a lunch meeting with a few other coworkers.  There was nothing inappropriate about it.   She’s even mailed old letters my husband wrote to her just to hurt me or to make me doubt him.  She’s told people that we are getting divorced and even claimed that they were still together.  This makes me doubt my husband and it makes saving our marriage more difficult. How can I get her out of our lives once and for all because I don’t want to allow her to continue to harm my marriage and I want her out of my life.”

This can really become a nightmare situation and it’s not all that uncommon, especially when the relationship outside of the marriage ends abruptly or without any “closure.”  I even sometimes have the mistress or “other woman” contact me on my “surviving the affair” website and ask for insights on how to get the husband to come back.  And many say that it’s just very difficult to close the door when one day he was present and enthusiastic and the next day, he’s completely committed to his wife with whom he was previously claiming to have serious problems with.  And even though I’ve been the wife on the other side of the equation, I do sometimes understand the other woman’s difficulty to abruptly change course, seemingly overnight. But this doesn’t excuse the behavior.

And with that said, in my view, the other woman usually truly doesn’t have any real claim to the husband as he is in a marriage with someone else.  As painful as it might be, the commendable thing would be to let him go – no matter how hard this may be.  In the following article, I will offer wives some insight on how to encourage the other woman to do just that.

Make Sure The Other Woman Truly Understands That Their Relationship Is Over Whether Your Marriage Survives Or Not: Sometimes, when you talk to the other woman in this situation, she will claim that the husband wasn’t very strong in his resolve to remain with his wife.  In other words, when he breaks it off, he may (at least in her opinion) use words that make it sound as if he isn’t really sure about his feelings or he’ll imply (at least in her mind) that he’s going back to his wife out of a sense of obligation.  He may tell her that he feels that he owes it to his kids or to his wife to try his best to keep the family together, and she may think that his body language is telling her that this isn’t truly what he wants.

And frankly, she will often see exactly what she wants to see. If she thinks that your marriage’s failure means that he will eventually come back to her, then she might set out to ensure that this is exactly what happens.  That’s why it’s very important that the husband makes it clear that the relationship is over no matter what happens with the marriage.  So the message should not be: “I’m ending the affair to try to save my marriage.”  Instead, the message should be: “I’m ending the affair because the relationship is wrong, is based on deception, and just is never going to work for me and there’s not anything that is going to change my mind.”

There’s a big difference between the two and drawing this distinction can encourage her to see that destroying your marriage isn’t going to save their relationship.  And frankly, this message needs to come from your husband (preferably not face to face) rather than you because she isn’t likely to believe you anyway.

Make Sure The Other Woman Understands That, Ultimately, Her Antics Just Aren’t Going To Change Things: I certainly understood the wife’s being extremely upset with the other woman’s behavior.  It’s challenging to save your marriage after an affair, but it’s even more difficult when she won’t leave you alone.  With that said, it’s important to create a united front.  It’s important that she eventually comes to see that her antics truly are a waste of her time and her emotional energy because they truly don’t change anything.

Don’t let her see that she’s upset you.  Don’t respond to her and give her the satisfaction of knowing that she’s getting to you.  Because if you do, this only encourages you to keep right on doing it.  Encourage those mutual friends that she’s been approaching to assure her that the two of you continue to move forward with your marriage, regardless of her attempts to destroy it.  Try to force yourself to automatically delete her communications.  Mark the letters “return to sender” and send them back. Block her on any electronic accounts.  All of these things will encourage her to understand that her plan just isn’t going to work.  Hopefully, eventually, as you continue to remain united with your husband and she continues to see that her behaviors aren’t changing anything for her, she will conclude that she just isn’t getting any pay off for her efforts and will move on.

With all of this said, I know that some women get or accept this message sooner than others.  If she won’t take the hint or you feel threatened, do not hesitate to get law enforcement involved if that becomes necessary.  Sometimes, it takes a third party in authority to drive the message home.

I know that you likely just want this woman out of your life, but don’t give her the satisfaction or the knowledge that she’s getting to you and resist engaging with her.  She’s just trying to shift your focus away from saving your marriage – which is the last thing she wants.  So, that should make saving your marriage after the affair your first priority.  If it helps, you can read about how I was able to do this on my blog at Http://surviving-the-affair.com

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by: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from panicked husbands who have just cheated on their wives.  They often didn’t intend for this to happen and are reeling as to what to do next.  Many ask me what they should do immediately following the cheating.  I often hear comments like: “I just cheated on my wife.  This is a disaster.  I love my wife and am committed to my marriage and I have no idea what I was thinking or how I could be so stupid.  What do I do now?  How do I make this right so that it’s not going to absolutely destroy my marriage or my wife?”

And sometimes, I hear from the wives who have just found out that their husbands have cheated.  They often ask me what their husbands can do to make things right again. An example is a comment like: “I just found out my husband cheated once.  I am devastated and I don’t know where we go from here.  He keeps asking me what he can do to help me get over this, but I have no idea what to tell him.  I’m not sure that there’s anything that he could do to make me feel any better.”  So, in the following article, I’m going to offer some suggestions as to what a husband should do after he cheats in order to begin the process of healing.

Immediately Remove Yourself From The Situation And The Other Woman.  Do Not Give Yourself The Chance To Cheat Again: I do believe that there are some men who never intended to cheat on their wives.  And once it happens, they’re lost because they truly didn’t see it coming and were completely unprepared.  Sometimes when they tell you that “it just happened,” they aren’t completely being dishonest, although a lack of intent doesn’t mean innocence either.

That’s why it’s so important that the husband remove himself from the other person and any circumstances that contributed to the cheating.  It’s not at all uncommon for me to hear from men who vow never to cheat again, but who later end up doing just that because, once again, they found themselves in a situation that they did not plan but could not resist.  I’ve even had men tell me that they went to break things off with (or make things clear to) the other woman, only to end up cheating with her once again.

My suggestion is to cut off all communication.  And if you just have to communicate with her to make your intentions clear, then do not do this in person where there’s potential for more cheating or temptation.  If you work with or regularly see this person, then you will need to make some changes.  You do not want to put yourself in a situation where you have continued contact.  This is not good for you, for her, for your marriage, or for your wife.

Figure Out What Really Went Wrong And Truly Fix It: Even though you might 100% believe that you had no intentions of cheating, the fact is that, for whatever reason, you did.  In my opinion, people truly don’t act without reason or motivation.  There had to have been something that contributed to your impulsive actions.  It’s pretty easy to place the blame on the marriage, your wife, or even the other woman.  But you are often better off looking within yourself.

Because no matter what risk factors were present, you did have a choice.   Why did you make the choice that you did?  Look at issues like poor impulse control, a lack of self esteem, any tendencies for reckless behavior or self sabotage, or other pressures or flaws that may have contributed to your cheating. It’s important to be brutally honest with yourself and to get help if you need it.  Because it’s not fair (or realistic) to ask your wife to forgive you or to give your marriage another chance when you can’t completely assure you that you will never cheat again.  You must remove any risk factors so that you are both secure in the future.

Decide If You’re Going To Tell Your Wife About Your Cheating: Whether to admit to the cheating is one of the most common questions that I’m asked by husbands.  Many wonder if they are better off just admitting everything  or if it would be better to spare their wife the pain, make any changes on their own, and remain silent.  I can not make this decision for you.   Only you know your wife (and what your reaction might be,)  as well as your comfort level with keeping this from her and the level of guilt that you are grappling with.

You also need to consider how likely she is to find out about the cheating because I can tell you that if she finds out from someone else, this might factor into her future decisions.  Many wives will see your keeping the cheating from them as just one more example of your deception.  However, on the other side of the coin, once you tell her, you also have to be prepared to deal with the considerable fall out that this admission is going to cause.

Whether You Tell Your Wife About The Cheating Or Not, Have An Improvement Plan That You Fully Intend To Follow: Few people are ever going to buy that cheating can actually be a positive thing.  But I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with trying to extract some positive changes from this huge mistake.  If you cheat but then never gain any insights into your behavior and never make any positive changes in yourself and your marriage, then this whole process truly was a waste in which only the negative consequences mattered.

But, if you can at least gain some positive insights and make some positive changes that are likely to make things easier and better in the future, then at least some good came out of a very bad decision.  If you can use this is a starting point or as the inspiration to become a better husband and a better man, then at least you made every attempt to make the best of your actions and this will hopefully matter to your wife, whether she knows what inspired your actions or not.

I was the cheated on, not the cheater, in my marriage. So, I know exactly how the wife in this scenario might feel.  Thankfully, my husband eventually used the cheating as the inspiration to make some drastic and lasting changes that weren’t lost on me.  Eventually, our marriage did recover, partly due to these efforts.  If it helps, you can read the entire story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: The reaction of wives who find out about their husband’s affair is extremely varied.  Some spring into action immediately and want to know everything.  They press for every single detail, even though these details can be very painful.  But, they feel like they have to know the entire truth in order to heal cleanly.

Then there’s another camp who would almost prefer not to know everything.   Some set out to discover or prove the affair and later wish that they’d “left well enough alone.”  I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I started having suspicions that something was up with my husband a couple of months ago.  He was acting distant and cold and he always had an excuse to not be home nearly as much.  I checked out his computer and Facebook accounts and I found what I feared  – he’s been having an affair.  Worse than that, I know the woman he’s been cheating on me with very well.  Reading the interactions and little love notes between them is so painful.  Honestly, I wish that I had never taken this path.  Because now I don’t know how to confront him and I can’t stop myself from continuing to check his computer everyday. So now, on a daily basis, I’m confronted with more pain.  My friend says that my feelings are ridiculous because I’m just burying my head in the sand when I should be furious.  I am angry, but I feel more hurt and indecision than anger. Is it normal to wish that I’d never found out about the affair?  And now that I know, what should I do now?”

There’s A Variety Of And Appropriate Reactions To An Affair.  No One Should Judge Yours: Believe it or not, this wife’s reaction is not so uncommon (even though I often hear confusion about such a reaction.)  Many wives want to confront their husband’s immediately when they learn of an affair and they just can not understand someone who has the opposite reaction.

The thing is, it’s not right to be judgmental of someone else’s reactions (at least in my opinion) and this wife’s friend was actually causing her much more pain than was necessary.  I see a variety of reactions to finding out about an affair, and I find them all valid and feel it’s unfair for someone to be judged or criticized for their feelings during this painful time.   Some wives have issues with confrontation or have concerns about their husband’s reaction when they confront him.  This wife knew that her husband was going to be angry that she was looking on his computer (even though she had a very valid reason to do so.)  And, knowing about the affair now meant that she felt compelled to revisit the issue every day, see what has been going on or what has progressed with the affair, and be hurt all over again.

Still, once she obtained this knowledge, there was no way to go backward in time and just deny or forget what she had learned.  The issue, then, became how she was going to proceed and move forward.

What Do You Do When You Wish You’d Never Found Out About The Affair: Unfortunately, this wife could not undo what she had already done.  She couldn’t erase her memory and forget about the affair.  But, she could act deliberately and carefully in the present time.  Right now, she was most concerned about a confrontation and the pain that she was feeling.  Considering all of her struggles, she didn’t necessarily have to disclose everything that she read or had learned.  She could approach her husband with her concerns, mention the changes that she had noticed, and see if he would go ahead and tell her the truth about the affair.  If he did, then she could avoid any confrontation about what she had already learned.

Of course, the husband might deny everything.  And if that was the case, she would then need to make a decision about how she wanted to proceed and what she wanted to disclose.  Because even though the knowledge of an affair can be devastating and painful, denying the truth isn’t healthy either.  Pretending that you don’t know just to keep the peace or to limp along in your marriage often doesn’t really spare you pain because you’re having to live with the conflict of knowing what you know all alone.  There’s that tension of trying to carry on denying reality when this is all but impossible.  The truth is that the conflict still exists – it’s just that it’s an internal conflict rather than external conflict because you’re carrying this knowledge on the weight of your own shoulders rather than sharing the burden with the person who put this whole course of events into motion.

I do understand wishing that you could stuff the genie back into the bottle or go back to a time when you were blissfully ignorant, but I’m afraid that is not possible.  And, in order to really begin to heal and to get closure from the affair, you’ll likely need to deal with it head on.  This doesn’t necessarily have to be done in a confrontational way.  You don’t need to  scream or shout.  The wife could write a note and remove herself from the situation – forcing the husband to react in such a way that would show her where his loyalties truly were.  There are many options that can remove at least some of the volatility.

But at the end of the day, an affair is a highly emotional and troublesome reality which is almost impossible to ignore or brush under the rug.  You’re marriage isn’t likely to just carry on normally while you grapple with this knowledge and  resentment and tension is likely to build.  So while I think that it can be completely normal to wish that you’d never found out about the affair, it’s much more difficult not to act on this knowledge.   And eventually, something as serious as infidelity will need to be dealt with, but there are ways to make it less confrontational and painful.

I didn’t remain quiet when I found out about my own husband’s affair, but I do understand this wife’s reluctance. The aftermath of an affair can be quite painful, but healing and recovery are possible as well.  Although the days and weeks following finding out about my husband’s affair were very difficult, better days were ahead as our marriage recovered and healed.  If it helps,  you’re welcome to read about this recovery process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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