Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: Katie Lersch:  If I had to name the most common place where infidelity happens, it would be at the work place.  I would say that the vast majority of the correspondence that I get about cheating and affairs happen in a workplace setting.  And I often hear from people who are concerned about a relationship that they see forming at their spouse’s job.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I had a strong suspicion that my husband was developing feelings for a woman at his work every time I saw the two of them together.  I also couldn’t help but notice that he constantly talked about her and often mentioned them having lunch together, sometimes without others present.  When I confronted him about this, at first he denied that anything was wrong.  He said that they were just colleagues who had a lot of projects together. But later, I found some texts from her that were very flirty in nature.  So, once again, I confronted him and he continued to deny everything.  But this time, I continued to press him and eventually, he broke down and admitted that he had “strong romantic feelings” for this woman, but insisted that he still loved me and was committed to our marriage and therefore, would never act on his feelings.  My husband has never lied to me, so I want to believe him.  But in the back of my mind, I wonder if I should be worried about this.  It’s not a good sign when your husband admits to having romantic feelings for someone else.  So what should I do about this? Am  I right to worry?”

I believe that the wife was right to feel concerned.  From all of the correspondence that I get that outline affairs (even only emotional ones) at work, I can tell you that feelings that aren’t even acted upon can absolutely seriously harm your marriage.  Not only that, but it’s not at all uncommon for people to eventually act upon these feelings, even when they never intended to do so.  And finally, sometimes people will insist that they only have feelings, when in fact they are trying to spare the feelings of their spouse by denying an affair (emotional or physical) that actually does exist.

Sometimes when I share my feelings on this, I’m accused of being paranoid or distrustful.  But, I think that I’d rather someone be paranoid but proactive than being trusting but later very sorry when they’re trying to recover from full fledged infidelity.  It’s easier to prevent an affair than to recover from one, in my experience and opinion.

What To Do When Your Husband Admits To Having Feelings For Someone Else, But Denies Acting On These Feelings: This is only my opinion from my own experience,  but I believe that just sitting back and hoping for the best is a mistake that I see happening over and over again.   You can still make every attempt to believe and trust your spouse while being proactive about saving and safeguarding your marriage.  When your husband has admitted to feeling romantic and loving toward someone else (who he sees and interacts with on a close and personal level every day,) then my feeling is that you are justified in taking action.

One suggestion might be to see if your husband can stop having to work so closely with her.  Can he transfer, move to another department or partner with someone else?  This may sound drastic, but again it’s usually much easier to prevent infidelity than the heal or recover from it.  And, if you get resistance from your husband, then this will give you some important clues as to how he really feels and how invested he is in any close relationship with her.

Another thing that you will want to consider is strengthening and safeguarding your marriage.  You want to make sure that things are very good at home so that he won’t have any reason to lament his marriage or talk about what it lacks with this other woman.  You want to make it so that the two of you are as connected as you can possibly be.  And, it’s certainly not a bad idea to swing by and have lunch with him as much as you possibly can.  After all, when he’s having lunch with you, he won’t be meeting with her and she will see that your marriage is his reality and that it is solid and still very much intact.

You also might want to look at where your marriage is vulnerable.  Many women will deny that there are issues or problems, but I would argue that if your husband is developing feelings for someone else, then there are likely issues somewhere.  There are likely vulnerabilities that you may not have considered or noticed, but which are most certainly coming into play.  And again, if your husband is resistant to exploring these issues to strengthen your marriage, this might be indicative or what is truly going on with him and how deep his commitment really is to her or to you and your marriage.  Because men will sometimes say words of reassurance, only to lack the actions to follow them through in the end.

This is not always the case, of course.  Sometimes, a husband will do exactly what you’ve asked of him and the relationship or feelings for the other woman will fizzle out once you prioritize your marriage.  However, to answer the question posed, yes, I do feel that there are plenty of reasons to worry, be concerned, or at least pay attention when your husband admits having feelings for someone else, even if he swears he’d never act on them.  In my view, it’s better to be concerned and to take swift action than to vow not to worry, only to regret it later.

I know from experience that it’s easier to strengthen your marriage than it is to recover from an affair.  My husband was unfaithful during the course of his job and I just didn’t see it coming.  Since you have a warning and a head’s up, you don’t need to allow this to happen to you.  Fortunately, our marriage did eventually fully recover and is quite good today. If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at Http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Has Admitted To Having Feelings For A Woman At Work, But Says He Still Loves Me. Should I Worry?

By: katie lersch: I sometimes hear from spouses who deeply regret cheating or having an affair and are now looking for a way to make things up to their spouse to return the love to their marriage.  I often hear comments like: “I want my wife to look at me with love in her eyes like she used to before my affair.  But when I tell her this, she says that she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to trust or love me again.  She says that the love between us may be gone for good because of my betrayal.”

Another example is: “my husband says he can no longer love me after I cheated on him even though it was a one time thing and I was drunk at the time.  He says that he doubts that he will ever be able to get over this and that when he looks at me, he longer feels any love.  He just feels disgust.  Is there any way for him to prove to him how sorry I am and to make him love me again?”   I’ll address these types of concerns in the following article.

Although You Can’t “Make” Your Spouse Love You Again After Your Infidelity, You Can Prove To Them That You’re Worthy Of Their Love Over Time: Although I believe in the sincerity of many of the people who contact me, I have to admit that I sometimes can’t help but have concerns when I hear someone ask how to “make” or “get” their spouse to love them again.  Although I know that the person reaching out doesn’t intend it in this way, “making” someone love you almost implies that you’re not giving them free will over their own feelings or perceptions.

So, before I go any further, I have to say that you shouldn’t want to “make” your spouse do anything that wasn’t their decision or desire to begin with.  And, any action that they take as the result or coercion, guilt, or trickery isn’t likely to be all that sincere or lasting anyway. When people tell me that they want to make their spouse love them again after cheating or an affair, I think that what they really mean is that they want to restore the trust, the healthy relationship, and, eventually, they want back those loving feelings that they took for granted.

This is possible, but it generally doesn’t happen over night and it usually doesn’t happen without a lot of effort, sincerity, and time.  You have to understand that your spouse is justified in having their doubts.  You have betrayed them once before, so it is understandable that they are going to have their guard up because they fear being hurt again.

However, if you care enough to be present, to have patience, and to demonstrate the behaviors, attitudes, and emotions that can prove to them that loving and trusting you again is safe, then you have a good starting point from which the rebuild.

Bringing Back The Loving Feelings In Your Marriage After Infidelity: I know that a lot of people are going to disagree with me when I say this, but I don’t think that the love disappears overnight – even after cheating or an affair.  I’m speaking only from my own experience when I say that,  although I was furious with my husband after his cheating and wanted to believe that I no longer loved him, looking back now I see that one of the reasons that I was so very angry was because my pain stemmed from the fact that I did love him so deeply but that he threw this love away with his betrayal.

So, at least for me, the love was still there, but it was buried beneath layers upon layers of anger, resentment, and betrayal.  With that said, eventually the loving feelings returned.  But this wasn’t because my husband “made” me love him again.  It was because over time, he proved to me that he was sincere, he was trustworthy, and he was willing to do whatever it took to save our marriage.

It may not seem fair to you right now, but many faithful spouses are waiting for you to “prove” to them that your current actions and behaviors can eventually make you lovable again.  But, before that can happen, you have to prove yourself not only trustworthy, but you have to act in a way that is meant to heal your spouse and address their wishes and needs rather than your own.  Because, it’s likely that in your spouse’s mind,  you’ve already put yourself first when you betrayed them.  So, now is the time to put their needs first and put your own needs and wants on the back burner.

This might mean agreeing to go to counseling with them (or at least intensely and attentively listening to their feelings and concerns and being willing to work through them.)  It often means not trying to make excuses for your behavior but taking responsibility instead.  You’ll often have a better chance at good results if you make it very clear that you’re willing to do whatever they need for you to go to give them the reassurance and the accountability that they often need to start their healing. It’s important that you make this about them rather than about you.

So while in my opinion you can’t “make” your spouse love you again after infidelity, you can exhibit the behaviors that might eventually return the loving feelings between you.  But, this will often take time.   Because quite often, they are watching and waiting.  They are going over your actions and behaviors with a fine tooth comb to see if you are sincere, truthful, and trustworthy.  They are often waiting to see if your behavior is going to go hand and hand with your words or if you are just continuing to lie to them in order to get what you want.

And they often have their doubts if you really love them and really want for them to love you back.  Many just can’t wrap their minds around why you didn’t love them enough to remain faithful, but are now so desperate for the love to return.  I’m not telling you this in order to paint a bleak picture.  I’m telling you this because I want for you to understand how they really feel and what their reservations might be.  It’s certainly possible for your spouse to love you again after infidelity, but you’ll often need to overcome their doubts before this can happen.

As I alluded to, there wasn’t any magic words my husband said, nor was there anything he did to “make” me love him again.  It’s just that over time, he proved to me that he was sincere and completely serious about doing whatever was needed to save our marriage.  Eventually, his behaviors confirmed to me that it was safe to let down my guard and feel loving feelings toward him once again.  If it helps, you can read the rest of the story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Do I Make My Spouse Love Me Again After I Cheated And Had My Affair

By: Katie Lersch:  I get a lot of correspondence from wives who are struggling to understand more about their husband’s affair.  Mostly, they are struggling to figure out why he would do such a thing and where they go from here.  I recently heard from a wife who said “I really need help understanding my husband’s affair.  I’ve tried several times to talk to him about this but the answers that he gives me don’t really help and they leave me with more questions than answers. I just cannot understand why he would do this to us.  He’s never given me any indication that he wasn’t happy with our marriage or unsatisfied with our sex life.  And then out of the blue, I find out that he’s been sleeping with a woman from our church of all places.  I just cannot understand it at all.  We were happy.  I did everything I could to be a good wife and meet his needs but apparently this wasn’t enough.  Sometimes I get so angry with him and I demand that he help me understand this, but then he gets just as frustrated and says that he doesn’t have any answers for me because he doesn’t understand it either.  What now?”

This is such a common issue.  So many of us wives feel like if we could just begin to understand the “whys” of her husband’s affair, then we just might be able to begin to heal.  But the answers still allude us.  On my surviving the affair blog, I hear from and get insights from a lot of men who have cheated and had affairs but who are now trying to save their marriages.  I believe this gives me some insight as to why infidelity happens and what a man’s thought process is from the beginning to the end.  I’ll share some of these insights with you in the hopes that it at least helps to give you  some new understanding and insights about the affair.

First, Understand That It Might Be Difficult For You To Grasp A Series Of Events That You Yourself Would Never Follow: Before I tell you why I believe men cheat and what their motivations are, I want you to know that afterward, it still might all feel or sound very foreign to you. It’s very hard to feel any understanding at all for actions that you yourself would never take.  I would never cheat on my husband no matter how unhappy I was or how unfulfilled I felt.  That possibility would never enter my mind.  Instead, I would sit my husband down and share my concerns with him in the hopes that we could fix things before any one felt the need to cheat or to go outside of our marriage.  And, if we could not reach a resolution, I would divorce my husband before I ever allowed myself to be intimate with anyone else.

Many of the wives who I dialog with agree with me completely on this.  And that’s why it’s very hard for us to understand it when our husbands try to help us make sense of their affair.  This reasoning still falls flat with us because we could never understand that motivation when we’d never feel the same way. We might concede that there were vulnerabilities in our marriage or that our husband was struggling in some way.  But none of these could ever justify cheating in our minds, which is why the answers allude us.

I bring this to your attention because I want you to consider that you may have to vow to step outside of yourself and your own way of thinking if you truly want to begin to understand your husband’s affair.  And, even then, you may still have some questions.

The Real Reason That I Believe Husbands Have Affairs And What This Means To You: I’m sure that if you’ve been researching this topic, you’ve read numerous accounts of why men cheat or have affairs.  You’ve likely heard various theories like men have affairs:

to get more sex;

to get a different kind of sex;

because their wives don’t appreciate them;

because they wanted to get caught;

because of unresolved resentment toward their wife or their marriage;

or because they wanted to feel young again.

The list really is endless.  And some of these things are true.  But, a man’s reasoning for cheating can be very personal and varied.  Still, for me, it really does come down to one thing.  Men cheat or have affairs to feel better about themselves or about their situation.  For some, this will mean the excitement of more sex.  For others, this will mean getting attention from (or the validation of) someone with various attributes or availability.  For others, it might mean still feeling very desirable, even when they have self doubt of self esteem issues.

Whatever it is that they are grappling with at the time, the affair is a way to quiet whatever is causing them pain and to obtain relief or reprieve.  And I know full well that you’re probably either not buying this or thinking that it’s not a good enough explanation.  As a wife who has been cheated on, I wholeheartedly agree with you.  I can never embrace this thought process because my individual struggles would never inspire me to betray my spouse.

With that said, I have to tell you that men who cheat don’t really go through a thought process in the same way that a woman would.  I firmly believe that if I ever was tempted to cheat, I would think long and hard about it before I took any action.  I would feel a lot of conflict before I even made one move.  But men can be different in this way.  Often, an affair is very impulsive decision that they just do not think a lot about.  In fact, their inability to think and to be reflective is often one reason they find themselves cheating in the first place.

They often keep pushing the conflict down to spare themselves pain, only to find themselves in a situation where they are reacting to that same pain.  Of course, they end up making a bigger problem for themselves that they often regret deeply, but they unfortunately aren’t thinking about any of this at the time (which is why they are sometimes telling you the truth when they say that they don’t understand the affair either.)

As I said, I’ll never truly understand my husband’s affair. But eventually, I came to realize that I didn’t necessarily need to fully understand it to move past it.  It dawned on me that I could either continue to be confused and reeling, or to commit to moving on despite not having everything tied up in a neat bow.  And this was the beginning of my healing.  Eventually our marriage recovered and is now better than ever. It it helps, you can read about the things that helped me move on after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Do I Begin To Understand My Husband’s Affair?

by: katie lerch: I often have wives contact me and ask about the best course of action while they are evaluating what they want to happen after their husband’s affair.  This can be a tricky situation, especially when or if you’re being pressured by your husband.  I recently heard from a wife whose husband was pressuring her to let him move back home while she was evaluating what she wanted to do about their marriage after his affair.

She said, in part:  “the night that I found out about his affair, I immediately kicked him out of the house.  That has been four weeks ago.  A few days later, after I calmed down, we discussed a regular schedule for him to see the children.  I would never keep him from his kids and I want them to see their father regularly.  Also, I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about what I want to happen to our marriage.  At first, I was sure that a divorce was going to be necessary because I was certain that I could never forgive.   But I’m not so sure about that anymore.   The more he is gone, the more I realize that I miss him and the more I understand that my kids need their father.  When he was here over this weekend, he pulled me aside and begged me to let him move back in.  He stressed that he wouldn’t assume his moving back in meant that I was going to forgive him or take him back, but he said being away from me and the kids is killing him.  I am reluctant to do this because I haven’t yet decided what I want to happen to our marriage.  But my kids obviously want him to move back in.  What should I do?  I feel like if I let him come back, I’ve pretty much made the decision because I’d feel so awful to kick him out again.”  I’ll discuss this situation more in the following article.

Some Considerations For Allowing A Husband To Move Back In After His Affair: Before I discuss the pros and cons in this situation, I have to tell you that I can’t make this decision for anymore.  This is a very personal family decision to which the consequences may be long lasting. I can give you some things to think about and encourage you to talk to a professional if your decision still isn’t clear, but I can’t make this call.

The wife was right in her assumption that allowing the husband to come back home was going to make it that much more difficult to ask him to leave again should she later decide that she just couldn’t forgive him and wanted a divorce.  Allowing him to come back home was likely to give him hope or encourage an assumption that she was close to forgiving him or deciding that she wanted to save the marriage.

To be fair, the wife herself admitted that she was leaning toward keeping her family together, but it was also clear that she still had her doubts.  Although it is completely understandable to want to do what was best for her kids (and she felt that living with both parents was the best thing for them,) it can’t be ignored that having them go through their father moving out not once but twice was also going to be very difficult if she later changed her mind.

Sometimes, I am evaluating or hearing about a situation where the husband has had doubts about returning to the marriage all along, so once he asks to come back home, the wife wants to immediately agree since neither were sure if his returning home was ever going to happen.  But, this wasn’t the case in this situation.  It was clear that the husband was intent on coming home and reconciling with his wife, and this didn’t seem likely to change.  Therefore, the wife had the luxury of taking her time to ensure that she made the right decision.

Because, at the end of the day, it was truly the wife who would have to live with that same decision.  Yes, her children’s home life would be affected by this decision as would her marriage.  But she was the one who was living within that same marriage.  So her opinion and feelings should matter every bit as much as everyone else’s.

Explore Whether A Compromise Is Possible So That You Are  Setting Yourself Up To Succeed Rather Than Fail: It was clear to me that, in some sense, the wife wanted to give her marriage a chance, but she was afraid of making a decision too quickly and then to feeling pressured to live up to a decision made in haste.  I felt that a compromise could be reached fairly easily.  The husband’s main wish was having more access to his children and getting his marriage back on track, while the wife’s main wish was to ensure that they saved the marriage in the right way at a healthy pace.

They could probably both get what they wanted with a little compromise.  One suggestion would be to allow the husband to stay over a couple of nights per week (or whatever they were most comfortable with.)  This would allow them to ease into the transition while evaluating how things were going between them before anyone was rushed into a final decision. And, to ease the wife’s doubts about making a good decision, she could require that they went to counseling (or at least attempted to talk about the issues in order to reconnect and heal) during the days when the husband stayed over.

In this way, the husband was getting the reassurance that he wanted (and access to his family,) while the wife was able to slowing move back toward her marriage in her own time while assuring that she had the husband’s cooperation in rebuilding.  In this way, she wouldn’t feel pressured into making a decision about which she wasn’t sure and she was setting it up so that she would have enough information to make the right decision when the time was right.

I know that this is a very difficult decision and you are right to take it slowly.  But healing is totally possible if you approach this in a gradual and methodical way. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, but it was worth it.  If it helps, you can read more about the healing process after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Should I Let My Husband Move Back In While I Think About What I Want To Happen After His Affair?

by: Katie Lersch: For whatever reason, one of the biggest concerns that many wives have after their husband has an affair is how he feels about them afterward.   Even when wives are seething and furious at him (and devastated by his betrayal,) many worry (at least somewhere deep inside) if his infidelity means that he has stopped loving them.  This is true even when we aren’t sure if we still love him after he has betrayed us in this way.

I recently heard from a wife who had this very concern.  She said, in part: “about two weeks ago, I found out that my husband had an affair that lasted nearly a year with a woman who is somewhat younger than me.  I’ve been digging around and I’ve found letters and texts to her that seem to indicate that he was deeply involved and almost committed to her.  As much as I hate to admit this, it appears that he had developed some real feelings for this other woman (or at least he thinks he did.) But, he’s still begging me not to leave him and saying he wants to save our marriage.  Despite this, things are still very volatile between us.  He rarely shows me any affection.   And he doesn’t seem all that sorry or remorseful, despite his words.  Still, I want to save my marriage.  I still love him, as foolish as that sounds.  But I’m very concerned that he no longer loves me.   If he still felt love for me, then I’d have hope that we could work this out.  But after reading the things that he wrote to her, I’m afraid to ask him if he still loves me because I’m afraid of what the answer is going to be.  Should I ask anyway? What are my options?”

I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

It May Be Too Soon After The Affair For Either Of You To Know How You Really Feel: It’s very common for people to want and need important answers very soon after an affair.  Learning of infidelity is a very severe blow and it’s absolutely normal to want to evaluate just how this is going to affect your marriage and your life.  To that end, it can feel as if you need an immediate answer and / or resolution to all of those painful questions that are floating around in your head and causing you a great deal of pain.

But what we often don’t realize is that the answers to these questions may not be possible or accurate so soon after the affair.  Emotions are still running high and not everything is going to be clear or even accurate at this time.  People often feel very differently several weeks or months down the road.  So while either partner may not be feeling particularly loving or even remorseful because of the anger or indignance they feel today, this may change dramatically in days, weeks, or months from now.  While a husband’s embarrassment, shame, or resentment might make him claim he doesn’t love you or doesn’t feel the same way, these assertions may prove to be inaccurate later.  And the same can be true for your feelings as well.

Although It May Feel As Though You Need To Know Immediately If Your Husband Still Loves You After His Affair, His Actions Over Time Should Tell You What You Need To Know Without Your Ever Needing To Ask The Question: The wife was understandably afraid to ask the question because she feared the answer.  I didn’t see anything wrong with not pressing the issue, at least for now.  It can feel as though your life and your marriage are so uncertain and hangs in the balance in the days following learning of the affair, but it often takes some time before the resolution is clear.

Sometimes pressing an issue or demanding answers forces information that later proves to be inaccurate and ends up making things worse.  I actually suspected that the husband probably would have told the wife that he still loved her if she decided to ask the question because he repeatedly asserted that he wanted to save the marriage.  But if the wife was uneasy about this, there was no need to press the issue since the answer would become clear soon enough.

Words are just that.  They can be manipulated, falsified, and manufactured. To me, it truly is a person’s actions that tell the true story.  And in the days, months, and weeks to come, this husband’s actions were likely to tell the wife more about his feelings, his intentions, and his character than any words that he could ever say. So if she was concerned about his answer, she could always just watch his actions over time.  It’s usually pretty safe to assume that a husband who hangs in there even when he’s shamed, guilty, and faced with a furious wife isn’t hanging around because he doesn’t love his wife.  He’s hanging in there because he does.

What If My Husband Insists That He Still Loves Me After His Infidelity, But He’s Not Acting Like It?: Sometimes, curiosity gets the best of the wives in this situation and they go ahead and ask their husband if he still loves them.  Most of the time, the husband will insist that he does.  However, the wives sometimes have their doubts because of the way that he is acting.  I often hear comments like: “he claims he still loves me after his affair, but he is so distant and unaffectionate.  He certainly doesn’t act like he loves me. It’s almost like my very existence makes him angry.  I can’t help but doubt what he’s saying when he isn’t acting loving at all.”

These concerns are certainly understandable.  But again, the time period that happens immediately following an affair is one that is filled with confusion, doubt, and anxiety.  Usually you are dealing with two people who are deeply shocked, wounded, and struggling.  The anger and the resentment that you are seeing might just be directed at himself, but is being projected onto you.  Men often do distance themselves somewhat after an affair because they are embarrassed, ashamed, and not completely prepared to deal with the aftermath of their actions.

Many don’t know how to reach out emotionally and resist feeling vulnerable, so they close themselves off instead.  As the result, many wives will take this to mean that he doesn’t love them, which isn’t always the case.  I certainly had my doubts about my husband’s love for me after his affair, but we eventually worked through this over time.  Although I never would’ve believed this in the beginning, our marriage did fully recover and we are solid today.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read about this recovery and healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I’m Afraid To Ask My Husband If He Still Loves Me After His Affair

by katie lersch: Much of the correspondence that I get on my “surviving the affair” blog is from wives whose husbands have cheated. But on occasion, I also sometimes hear from “the other woman,” the mistress, or the person who had a relationship with a married men.  The correspondence is quite varied.  Some of the women are actually quite remorseful for the cheating or affair and are looking for some way to help to make it right.  (The best way to do that is to leave the man and his family alone so that they can heal.)  Many tell me that it’s not until they see or accept the reality that the man has a family does the situation become “real” to them.  And it’s at this point that they realize what a huge mistake they have made.

Some of the women have a negative attitude though.   A good number are very defensive and blame others for their own actions.  Many will tell you that the husband was the aggressor who came onto or pursued them.  And some actually have questions or want my advice as to how to hold onto the husband or how to keep the affair from ending.  (I don’t offer this, of course.)  I recently heard from a woman who had had an eight month long affair with a married man.  The woman actually contacted the wife and alerted her to the affair.  She hoped that by doing this, the wife would kick her husband out and she would then have him all to herself.

This isn’t what happened, though.  Her information forced the husband to come clean about the cheating.  In the process of doing this, the husband decided that he wanted to save his marriage and he ended the relationship with the other woman, who was shocked and furious.  It had now been several weeks since the affair was revealed and through mutual friends, the other woman had learned the wife was still living in the house and was committed to staying with her husband in spite of the affair.

She said in part: “I can’t believe she’s staying with him.  He cheated on her and had an affair with me for almost nine months.  He told me he loved me.  We made plans for our future.  He told me his marriage was just an empty shell and that he no longer felt anything for her.  He didn’t pay her much attention, take her out, or spend any time with her, so why is she staying?  Why would a wife stay with a husband who had an affair?  Is she stupid?  Does she have no self esteem?  Does she have no other options?  Or does she just want to make my life miserable?”  I’ll attempt to address these questions in the following article.

Keep In Mind That There Are Two Sides To Every Story: This woman wasn’t the first who told me that a husband recounted a loveless marriage that was practically dead or dying.  But few actually stop to ask themselves if they can trust the account of a man who is already opening lying to someone to whom he vowed to be faithful.  The point is, it’s not unheard of for a married man to lie about his feelings for his wife or the state of his marriage in order to carry out the cheating.  His saying it does not make it true.  It’s not at all uncommon to hear from a mistress who compared notes with the wife and who found that in fact the husband was still intimate, involved with, and loving to the wife at the same time that he was cheating or having an affair.

So while it might make it easier for both unfaithful people to believe that the marriage is just a shell or a farce, this is often far from accurate.  Sometimes, the truth is the exact opposite of what has been portrayed.

Does A Wife Stay With Her Husband After The Affair Because She’s Stupid, In Denial, Or Has Low Self Esteem? Is It Because She Has No Other Options, Or Wants To Make The Other Woman Miserable?: Those sentences were a mouthful, but I wrote them because I intend to address all of the questions asked of me.  And, I need to make clear that I’m not answering or attempting to speak for anyone else.  I’m speaking for myself out of my own experience, although I know that many (but not all) wives have similar feelings.

So to answer, no, wives who stay after a husband cheats are not stupid.  We’re not in denial.  We are often fully aware of just how serious this situation really is.  In fact, I would argue that we are more aware of this than almost anyone.  Because we’re the ones picking up the pieces when we didn’t do anything wrong.  And although many of us take a hit to our self esteem because of other people’s actions, I would feel safe in saying that few of us stay because we don’t have any other options (although some of those options may look bleak by comparison.) We don’t stay because we want to make the other woman miserable, although her happiness isn’t our highest priority.  Mostly, we just want her out of our lives so that we can rebuild.  Now, onto why we do stay.

The Reasons That I Think Wives Stay After Their Husband’s Affair: Again, I’m speaking for myself.  But I believe that wives stay because their family is the most important thing in the world to them.  When you have children and have built a family, then you are not in any hurry to let any third party tear it down.  Many of us have worked too hard to just walk away from the lives that we’ve built.   We are aware that our husband is at fault and was not an innocent party in all of this (and he is often dealt with accordingly.)   But our anger at him doesn’t always mean that we will just hand him over to someone who means nothing to us (and who he often claims means nothing to him.) We usually have a long and deep history with and love for him.  This doesn’t just disappear. We are just trying to keep our family together and I can’t imagine how we could be faulted or judged for that.

So no, we aren’t stupid or desperate.  We are trying to keep our family together.  This desire doesn’t reflect our intelligence, our self esteem, or our options. I hope this article has answered some of the questions that were posed. Despite the obstacles against us, my marriage today is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it.  If it helps, you can read more of that personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Wives Stay After Their Husband Has An Affair

by: katie lersch:  Forgiveness after an affair can be a real struggle.   Some people struggle with forgiveness for quite a long time.  And others are never able to offer it.  But what happens if you’re asked to forgive an affair that happened years ago, but you were not told about it until recently?  Does it make any difference?  I recently heard from a wife who was forced into this situation.   She had thought that everything was fine within her marriage.  In fact, the last of her children had just left for college and this had given more time with her husband.  And they had finally got to a point in their lives where they had the financial means to travel and explore the things that had always interested them without any obligations.  The wife felt like all of their hard work was finally paying off until her husband sat her down without any warning and told her that there was something he had to get off of his chest.

Much to the wife’s surprise, her husband confessed that early in their marriage (when their oldest son was an infant) he had cheated and had a short affair with a coworker who now lived in another country.   The husband told his wife that he felt the need to tell her now because he wanted to be honest with her and didn’t want anything holding them back from starting their new lives together.  Apparently, early in their marriage the husband had to work closely with a woman who was only assigned to his office for a few months.  So the affair had not lasted for long and it had occurred a very long time ago.  The husband swore that he had never been unfaithful other than the one time and he hoped that one day his wife would forgive him.

Needless to say, this was quite a blow to the wife.  Although it was clear that she didn’t need to worry about the other woman any more (since she lived in another country and hadn’t been in contact with her husband for over a decade,) the shock was hard to deal with.  She said in part: “I have no idea how I am supposed to respond to this.   I hope he doesn’t think that he’s absolved from his cheating just because it happened so long ago.  It’s still cheating no matter when it occurred.   And the fact that he cheated on me while I had an infant in the house just turns my stomach.  Sure, we weren’t having incredible sex at the time because I was dealing with a newborn and I was recovering from giving birth as instructed by my doctor.  What kind of creep cheats under those circumstances?  I don’t care if the affair was a hundred years ago, it feels like yesterday to me.  My friends say that I should at least consider that he told me the truth himself and that he’s been a good husband but I don’t know if I can.  I’m just so focused on the fact that he’s not the man I thought he was.  And cheating is always something I considered unforgivable.”

A Very Personal Decision: I couldn’t decide for the wife if she should forgive her husband.  That had to be up to her.  But I could tell her what many women in this situation consider and sometimes offer forgiveness to move forward.  But this is a very personal decision.  And while it was telling that the husband chose to tell the wife himself (when he certainly wasn’t forced to and the wife didn’t suspect anything) the wife would still need to understand why he cheated and whether those contributing factors were still present.  Of course, the couple didn’t have small children anymore.   And the husband was rarely in an office setting.  But that didn’t mean that the wife didn’t need to understand exactly what happened and why.

What Forgiveness Does And Does Not Mean: In truth, forgiveness doesn’t mean that your husband is absolved from cheating.  It’s usually something that you mean to be beneficial to you rather than to him.  And I honestly don’t think that 100% forgiveness is always required to make the marriage work, especially initially when the shock is still present and the emotions are still raw.

Many times, forgiveness goes hand in hand with saving the marriage.  After all, if a woman is just going to walk away from a man who cheated on her, what is the point of forgiveness except to just relieve yourself of that burden?  I couldn’t decide for the wife if she wanted to save her marriage, but even she admitted that her husband had been a wonderful partner throughout their marriage. ( Frankly, the wife never knew or suspected a thing because her husband was always loving and attentive.  And this part actually scared her because she wondered how she would ever know if he was cheating again.)

I think the key to many of these doubts is to begin some sort of rehabilitation.  To ask someone to forgive an affair or cheating without rehabilitation and without re-earning or restoring the trust is a lot of ask.  This is true no matter when the cheating occurred.  (There’s certainly not a statute of limitations on infidelity.)  Yes, it said a lot that the husband came clean after many years when he didn’t have to.  It also said a lot that he’d been a solid and loving spouse.  But he still had some making up and work to do.  And he seemed more than willing to do that because he repeatedly stressed that he would do anything to help his wife move on.

I agreed with the wife that the distance between the cheating and the confession didn’t mean that there shouldn’t be repercussions.  The fall out from infidelity doesn’t lessen just because it isn’t discovered right away.  Time doesn’t erase or excuse what happened.  But a person’s behavior in a marriage over time says a lot about that person also.  And the wife was probably going to have to weigh all of these concerns before she could make a decision.   So to answer the question posed, a wife certainly can choose to forgive a confession of an affair – no matter when the affair happened.  But whether she should or not is her own decision and this decision usually depends upon the husband’s track record as a husband, how the infidelity comes to light, and how much rehabilitation occurs.

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Should A Wife Forgive Her Husband Who Confessed He Had An Affair Years Ago?

by: katie lersch: When wives are trying to evaluate how they want to react to their husband’s affair (and whether they want to save their marriage in spite of it,) many will want as much information about the affair as they can possibly get. They gather this information because they want to see what they are up against. They are trying to evaluate just how serious the relationship with the other woman was, if it’s likely to continue, and what it means to their marriage right now. To that end, one of the most common concerns that wives have is how long the affair lasted. It’s often somewhat easy to get a sense of when the affair ended (or was supposed to end,) but it’s more difficult to figure out when the affair began – unless you have the cooperation of your husband or the other woman.

I recently heard from a wife who was determined to find out when her husband’s affair began, but he refused to tell her. She said in part; “I feel like I need to know when the affair began because I want to know how serious it really was and at what point in our lives and our marriage were we so vulnerable that he would cheat on me. Last year was a very up and down year for us. On the one hand, we traveled quite a lot, reconnected and had a fabulous time. On the other hand, one of our dear friends had some serious health issues and I spent a lot of time at her home helping out. So I want to know if he cheated on me when things were good (which would be very difficult to understand) or if he cheated on me when I was doing what’s right by helping a friend. And I’m not sure which is going to be worse. It would be awful to know that the second I was away for very legitimate reasons, he was unfaithful to me. But it wouldn’t make sense for him to cheat when things were going very well for us either. At this point it doesn’t seem to matter what I say because he refuses to discuss the time frame of the affair. I feel like I have a right to know. How can I get him to start talking?”

Why Men Are Sometimes Reluctant To Discuss When The Affair Began (Or The Time Frame Of It.) The wife was right. She was entitled to have her questions answered. But I suspected that the husband was hesitating to tell her because he knew that the truth was going to upset her very much. And honestly, if the affair lasted for a long time, men are often reluctant to tell you this. It might have been important that the husband wasn’t insisting that the affair was just a one night stand or lasted for a very short period of time. This could have meant that the affair lasted for a decent amount of time and that the husband knew that this was going to be very difficult for the wife to hear.

That’s just speculation of course. There could be many other reasons that the husband was reluctant to discuss the time frame of the affair. And the wife might not ever get completely definitive answers. At some point in time, she was going to need to ask herself if she was going to continue to focus on this question or if she was going to tell herself that she couldn’t change the affair (or the facts that surrounded it,) but she could make a choice about how (or even if) she wanted to move forward with her marriage right now. And frankly, sometimes when you do begin to move forward and your husband sees that things are getting better, he is often more likely to open up because he feels safe to do so.

What You Might Say To Get Your Husband To Tell You When The Affair Began: So far, the wife had been asking her husband about those two specific events (which were when they were traveling and when she was tending to their sick friend.) Although this was absolutely understandable, she wasn’t getting the results that she wanted. So, I thought she might have a better chance of actually getting an answer if she formed the question more broadly. I suggested something like: “I’m asking when the affair began because I’m trying to evaluate what we are up against so that we have the best chance of beating this. And I need to know what left our marriage vulnerable so we can look at changing it. You don’t have to give me an exact date right now (although I’m going to want that later,) but could you just give me a general idea of a time frame and how serious the relationship really was.

He may not immediately answer with the exact date. (And frankly, many men would not remember the exact date anyway.) But hopefully he will better understand why you need and want this information and may slowly begin to open up, especially as things start to get better over time.

I know that you probably feel like you have to know EVERYTHING about your husband’s affair. But, to the extent that you can, try to focus on the long rather than the short time. Information has a way of coming out over time. If you can keep moving forward and phrase things in the right way, I’m confident that things will begin to improve. Even when things look quite dire, healing is possible. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, after some struggles, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is intact. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. If it helps, you can read more of that personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Won’t Tell Me When The Affair Began

by: Katie Lersch:  I recently heard from a wife who was almost certain that her husband had been having an affair.  She had suspected it for a while, but had only recently taken the initiative to follow up and to try to obtain evidence of the same.  Much to her surprise, she didn’t have a difficult time coming up with proof.  But now that she had this proof, she wasn’t sure what to do with it.   This was very confusing to her because when she had been thinking about this day in her mind, she felt certain that she would march right over to her husband, confront him with her evidence, and demand that he admit to the affair.

But now that this whole scenario was a reality, she was hesitating.  She said, in part: “I have pretty indisputable evidence that my husband has been having an affair.  But I’m not sure if I want to confront him.  Part of me feels like I should wait.  And another part of me hates the thought of a nasty confrontation.  I know that he’s going to have a very negative reaction and sometimes I think that I want to delay this until I am better able to prepare myself or decide what I want.  What should I do?”

This was not a decision that I could or would want to make for the wife.  But I do understand having some reluctance about how and when to confront a husband who is having an affair.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

Often Making The Decision As To Whether You Confront Your Husband (And How You Do It) Depends Upon What You Really Want To Happen Moving Forward: Some wives don’t really have to make this decision.  Some of us walk in on our husbands and so there’s really no decision to make about a confrontation. (Which was my case with my own husband’s affair) But sometimes, you know that he’s cheating and he has no idea that you know.  It’s at that point that you have to make a decision about what you want to do with this information.  Often, this will, at least in part, depend on how sure you are that the affair is a reality.  If you have doubts about your evidence or about the affair, sometimes you might decide to wait to confront him until you have more information.

But, in this case, the evidence was pretty indisputable.  There was little question that the husband was cheating and had been for quite a while.  In situations such as these, how you chose to proceed will often depend on what you truly want to happen after the confrontation.  Women who ultimately decide that they want to save their marriages and that they want him to end the affair so that they can work things out in their marriage will often approach this in a completely different way than the wife who just wants him out of her life.

I had one woman recount throwing her husband’s clothes on the lawn along with proof of his cheating after she changed the locks on the house.  She didn’t want to confront him face to face. She didn’t want to deal with him at all.  She just wanted him out of her life.   On the other end of the spectrum, some women have the opposite reaction because they really do care about how the confrontation goes because they are still invested in (or at least open to) the marriage.

Some wives are so hurt that they hesitate to begin to let their feelings out in a confrontation because they are worried that when they start talking, they are going to fall apart, which is the last thing that they want to do.  However (and this is only my opinion) although I understand hesitating until you get more information or until you decide how you want to proceed,  I don’t think it benefits you to remain silent for so long that you limit your own voice.  If you put the confrontation off or remain silent for a long period of time, you’re basically allowing the cheating to continue. This could be harmful to your self esteem and your self worth, which leads me to my next point.

If You Decide To Confront Him, Confront Him In A Way That Aligns With What You Want To Happen And Do It At A Time When You Feel The Most In Control: Whether you should confront your husband with your evidence of his cheating is a personal choice that no one can make but you.  But, if you do decide that confronting him is the best choice for you, I’d recommend trying to plan for a time where you feel that you can remain in control of the situation.  So many women tell me they confront him immediately after seeing evidence or when they feel that they just can’t take it anymore.  Often, things don’t unfold as they had hoped because they lose control, their husband becomes defensive or places some of the blame onto them, and things spiral downward from there.

Although you would be completely justified in reacting very dramatically, doing so will often just make things worse.  My suggestion is always to try to confront him when you are more likely to remain in control.  Doing so gives you more options if you decide to save your marriage later.  One thing that has worked for many women is just presenting him with the evidence of him cheating without saying a word.  Basically, you tell him that something has come to your attention that you want to share with him. Then you hand him the photos, emails, cell printouts (or whatever evidence you have.)  And then you wait and place the burden of a response onto him.

He may well react to your obtaining the evidence, but you’re not giving him any more ammunition than that.  You’re waiting to see his true reaction because you’ve merely presented the evidence without comment.  I do realize that I am asking a lot.  I know that having this information and not knowing what to do with it is heartbreaking.  But the decision usually comes down to how soon you want the affair to stop, how much you care about what happens after the confrontation, and how you want the marriage to end up.

If you no longer care about him or the marriage, then if or how you confront him doesn’t matter quite as much.  But if you still care about him and the marriage and you want to set it up so that he is going to give you some answers, then it’s sometimes advisable to put some thought into when and how you confront him.  With that said, I think that eventually a confrontation needs to happen in situations where you want the affair to stop or you want to let him know that he can’t keep deceiving you.  If you’re uncomfortable about this, there are many ways to do this in a way that is non confrontational as possible, including in writing.

If it helps, surviving the affair is a blog I put together to share my journey. I know that this is a very difficult time, and that forgiveness can be elusive, but working through it can truly be worth the effort. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is pretty high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can check it out at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Have Evidence My Husband Is Having An Affair. Should I Confront Him? If So, How?

By: Katie Lersch:  I recently heard from a wife who theorized that her husband had deliberately planned and then had an affair in order to end his marriage.  She felt that his having an affair was his passive aggressive way to obtain a divorce because he was too cowardly to ask for one in any other way.  She asked, in part: “do some men use an affair as a way to end their marriage?  I suspect that my husband is guilty of this.  Our marriage had been struggling for a while and I’d repeatedly asked him to go with me to counseling or to help me improve our marriage but I got no cooperation from him.  I even asked him if he wanted a separation or divorce, but he never gave me an honest answer.  A few months later, he had an affair and didn’t make much of an effort to hide it from me.  It’s almost as if he wanted to be caught.  And since he knows that infidelity is unacceptable to me and grounds for divorce, I think that his having an affair was part of a plan to end the marriage.  The weird thing is, now that the affair is out in the open, I’m not sure if I want a divorce.  But I offered him one anyway and he resisted this.  He said that he just wants to wait and see what happens.  So this leaves me with a lot of questions.  Did he have an affair because he wanted a divorce?  And if so, why isn’t he jumping at the chance to divorce me when I’m offering him his chance?”

These were all very heavy questions that I wasn’t going to be able to directly answer.  And when the wife confronted her husband about this issue, he completely denied it.  He told his wife that her theory just didn’t make any sense.  Why would he need to have an affair to end his marriage when he could simply ask his wife for a divorce if he wanted one? Why would he involve another person and hurt other people as the result if all he had to do was file divorce papers if he truly wanted to end his marriage?  The wife couldn’t answer these questions for him and neither could I.

However, I do have some insights into this as I dialog with many people on both sides of the issue.   People have affairs for many varied reasons and sometimes their behaviors before and after the affair gives us clues into their motivations and intentions.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

Some People Do Have Affairs As A Reaction To Issues Within Their Marriage Or As A Way To Get Their Spouse’s Attention.  But Not Every One Who Has An Affair Wants To End Their Marriage: It’s not out of the question for a man to use an affair to help him facilitate a divorce or to bring about the end of his marriage.  Many people assume that when people cheat or have affairs, they always do so in secret and hope that their spouse will never find out.  This isn’t true for every one.  It’s very common to hear men say that they were almost hoping to get caught because for whatever reason, they were trying to get their spouse’s attention or to get a very dramatic reaction.

The reasons for this vary.  Sometimes, they are angry with their wife.  Sometimes, they feel undeserving of her.  Other times, they are dealing with their own personal issues.   However,  this doesn’t mean that all men want for their wives to react to their affair with a request for a divorce (although some do.)  Some hope that the affair will make their wife see that he wants more of her time, appreciation, or affection.

Others use the affair as a “pay back” of some perceived slight or as some way to show their wife that others can appreciate him or find him attractive, even if she doesn’t.  (Of course, this isn’t at all fair, but this is what men will tell you.) However, the wife in this situation didn’t feel that any of these things rang true for her.  She felt pretty sure that his infidelity was the first step in her husband divorcing her.

What If Your Husband Initially Used The Affair As A Way To End The Marriage, But He Isn’t Pursuing A Divorce Now?: The wife in this situation just couldn’t understand why the husband was hesitating to divorce her when she was all but filing the papers herself.  Everything was out in the open and the wife was offering him a relatively quick and drama free divorce.  She couldn’t understand his hesitation to take her up on this.

People change their minds all of the time.   A decision that was made in haste and out of negative emotions doesn’t usually turn out to be the right decision and people sometimes realize this before it is too late.  I’ve dialogued with men in this situation and many will tell you that once they saw the pain on their wife’s face, the affair and the aftermath of it suddenly became very “real” to them.  And it’s sometimes at this point that they realize that they really don’t want to hurt their wife or end their relationship with her.   Is it fair for them to aggressively cheat and then to change their mind about their marriage?  No, it’s not.  But this is what sometimes happens.

You can usually tell whether your husband hopes or intends for the affair to end the marriage by how he acts once everything is out in the open.  Some men will push for a divorce right away and others will stop short of this and will show some hesitation at ending their marriage. Sometimes, a man’s intentions change once they see your reaction or get a taste of life without you.  Of course, whether you are open to saving the marriage has to be up to you.  Part of this process is asking yourself if you can address and then fix the issues that lead to him intending to have an affair in the first place. Some couples are willing and able to do this and some aren’t.

So, to answer the question posed, yes some men do use an affair to end their marriages, but many do not.  And some initially have this intention out of haste or anger but end up changing their minds later and very much regretting their actions.

I know that you are likely going through a very difficult time, but you sometimes do have a choice as to whether your marriage ends.  Although it appeared that my husband’s affair was going to mean the end of our marriage, we eventually pulled it together and worked things out.  In fact, although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, after some struggles, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is in tact. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. If it helps, you can read more about what worked for me and what didn’t at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Do Some Men Use An Affair To End The Marriage Or Get A Divorce?