How Can I Think More Positively After My Husband’s Affair?

By Katie Lersch:  I recently heard from a wife who had noticed a change in her attitude and her world view after finding out about her husband’s affair.  She said that she’d always been a “glass half full” type of person but since her husband cheated on her, she had a much more pessimistic view of the world and of human nature.

She said, in part: “I used to have a very upbeat attitude and I was a trusting person.  But I never saw my husband’s affair coming it literally brought me to my knees.  I later found out that some of our friends knew about his cheating, but never told me about it or stepped in.  As a result, I’m suspicious of everyone and I constantly think that bad things are going to happen to me.   We’re actually working on our marriage and making some progress, but I guess this doesn’t do enough to reassure me because I am always filled with doubt and anxiety.  For example, if I see my husband so much as talking to another woman, I wonder if he’s saying something suggestive.  If my husband says something sweet and loving to me, I wonder if it’s his guilt talking.  If we are actually having a nice family outing, rather than enjoying it and taking it in, I wonder if we’ll all still be together this time next year.  I hate that this is happening to me.  I want to be happy and I want my positive attitude back, but I can’t seem to stop all of these invasive thoughts.  What can I do?”

These concerns are extremely common.  When something as devastating as infidelity happens in your life,  it’s normal to have some doubts about your intuition, your judgments, and your trust.  In turn, the anxieties that come as the result can cloud how you see the world and can turn your previously optimistic outlook into one of pessimism.  This isn’t any reflection on you.  It’s completely understandable.   And, it’s very important that you are able to recognize this (and the fact that you are reading this article tells me that you want to change this pattern.)  So in the following article, I’ll discuss some tips for shedding the negative outlook and the defeatist thinking and learning to think more positively after the affair.

Recognizing Your Negative Thinking After Your Husband’s Affair Is Very Important, But It’s Only The First Step: Obviously, the woman mentioned above not only noticed her negative thinking, she also wanted to change it.  This is vitally important.   Most of us know women who grow to be very bitter after their husband cheats or has an affair and they never really recover.  As a result, every relationship that they have is affected.  They never learn to trust again and they are never as happy as they could be because they just can’t, or won’t, let it go.

In order to avoid becoming one of these women, you have to not only recognize the negative thoughts that you may have, but you need to challenge or reroute them.  Because it’s a very painful existence if your thoughts only consist of negativity that constantly brings you down or has you living under a dark cloud.  This sucks the joy out of your life.  And you don’t deserve that.  So, make a commitment to not only recognize these thoughts, but also to address them.  I’ll discuss how to do that right now.

Learn To Immediately Challenge Or Question Your Negative Thoughts And Anxieties: The most important thing that you can do is to learn to not only notice the negative thinking when it comes up, but to also immediately challenge or question it.  For example, the women who wrote to me often had doubts about her husband’s love for and commitment to her.  She would often have thoughts like: “who are you kidding?  You know he’s going to cheat again.”  Or “you know that he will eventually leave you.”

I suggested that she challenge these thoughts when they came up.  She might respond with a thought like “if that’s true, why is he at our home right now?”  Or “if he didn’t want to be with me, he wouldn’t have come home and he wouldn’t still be there.”   She also had a lot of destructive thoughts about her family.   Sometimes, they would be on a family outing and she would be paralyzed with the fear that in a year’s time, she and her husband would be divorced and their family would be broken apart.  I suggested that when she have these thoughts, she challenge them with something like: “I’m going to enjoy today with my family.  My children will always have two parents who love them very much and I’m going to do everything in my power to ensure that we remain together.  Beyond that, I’m not going to worry because I know that I can handle whatever comes my way and that I will always put my children’s well being first.”

Do you see a theme here?  You take the thoughts and you flip them with reassurance and confidence in yourself. You have to build yourself up and know that you are a confident, capable, and remarkable woman. It took me a long time to learn this, and I struggled after my husband’s affair.  But, eventually you learn that you will handle whatever comes your way and you are committed to working this out and ensuring that your life unfolds as it’s meant to because you have conducted yourself with integrity and intention.

Surround Yourself With Whatever (And Whoever) Makes You Feel Peace, Confidence, And Reassurance: I know that the phrase “misery loves company” is a cliche, but it’s not uncommon to reach out to friends or acquaintances who are familiar with our own struggles.  In other words, we’re more likely to reach out to friends who have dealt with an affair in their own marriage.  And I have to tell you that sometimes, this turns out to be positive, supportive choice, but many times, it doesn’t.

It’s not always a good idea to surround yourself with people whose marriages didn’t work out after an affair or who still have not recovered.  This is just the type of reinforcement that you don’t need and can’t afford right now.  Instead, seek out people who have survived the affair and came out stronger on the other side.  Listen to those who encourage and strengthen you rather than those who bring you down.

This applies to things and activities as well as people.  It’s very important that you focus on those things that bring you comfort and confidence.  Do whatever it takes to build yourself up and to banish those things that bring you down.  Strive every day to feel good about yourself. The more you are surrounded with positive people and things, the more likely it is that your thoughts and your attitude are going to reflect this.   And, when you do have thoughts or days that challenge you, then you will have these positive surroundings to build you up and to help you recover.

Surviving The Affair is a blog I put together to share my story in the hopes that it helps someone else. I know that this is a very difficult time, and that forgiveness can be elusive, but working through it can truly be worth the effort. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, better times were ahead. My marriage eventually recovered and is stronger than ever. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem remained intact. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read that very personal story at http://surviving-the-affair.com/ I have also listed what I think are helpful free resources for surviving the affair on the side of this blog.

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Should I Approach My Husband’s Mistress?

by: katie lersch: I often get correspondence which ask questions about the best way to handle a husband’s mistress. Many wives want a strategy to get rid of this person once and for all. Many ask whether it’s a good idea to confront or talk to the other woman. Many wives hope that they can either threaten, reason with, or appeal to the decency of this person in the hopes of getting her out of their lives.

Often though, this plan backfires. The mistress is usually not at all receptive and / or does not react in the way that the wife had hoped. Honestly, usually the best strategy regarding dealing with a mistress is to not deal with her at all. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Usually Approaching Your Husband’s Mistress Makes Matters Worse And Not Better: First of all, I completely understand why you might want to talk to or confront this woman. Many times, we become very tired of hiding in the shadows and with dealing with this person who has uprooted our lives indirectly. We want to look her in the eye and make her confront and address what her deplorable actions have caused.

But all of our hopes and expectations are based on the hope that she is going to be reasonable and receptive to what we have to say. Our strategy depends on the hope that she gives us the reaction we are looking for that ultimately leads to our closure or to an improvement in our situation. This doesn’t happen very often. Usually, the mistress has her own agenda and her own needs that she wants to have met.

This is a person who hasn’t shown herself to have a high degree of integrity and empathy. So, depending on her reaction to give you closure or to give you the reassurance that you need is ultimately a very dangerous and potentially unsatisfying game. Don’t put yourself at her mercy. Often, she will use her words and her reactions to only hurt you more. Many times, she will be spiteful and will tell you things that are only meant to make her look less guilty. She will sometimes make your husband out to be the pursuer, even if this isn’t true. Many times, she will insinuate or flat out say that your husband is still trying to have a relationship, even if this is not the case.

Many wives walk away from this meeting or exchange or words feeling even worse and having more doubts. Instead of getting the closure that they want, they are now left with even more turmoil, more questions, and more uncertainty about their situation. And guess what else? Usually the mistress walks away from this feeling like she has the upper hand. She knows that she’s gotten to you and she knows that you see her as a threat.

Before You Approach Her, Understand What The Mistress Wants And Doesn’t Want: If you really want to have an impact on the mistress, you must understand her wishes and fears. Often, what she wants is a place in your husband’s life. Therefore, she wants to be front and center in your life. She hopes that you will react badly and harp on your husband and react to your insecurities because this makes her look better by comparison.

Don’t play right into her hand. Don’t make her look more important than she is. This leads me to my next point – her fears. Often what she fears is you and your husband moving on. What she really does not want is for you to pick up the pieces and move on without her in either of your lives. Now, you can’t ultimately control your husband’s actions, but you can control your own. You can chose not to place yourself in the middle of this drama and to not give her more power than she deserves. Usually, if you paint yourself correctly and just bide your time, this relationship will come to a natural end. When it does, you are in a better position to move on if you’ve not opened up a dialog with her.

Don’t give her any “in” to then reach out and attempt to communicate with you later. I strongly suspect that there will come to a time when you just want to move on and leave this woman behind, but if the two of you are engaging with one another, this will be even harder than it needs to be. At the very least, if you must communicate with her, do it in such a way where you can say what you have to say without engaging and allowing for further communications. It’s best not to interact at all, but if you must, make it short, sweet, to the point. And make sure that it’s only a one time thing.

I know that even contemplating your husband’s other woman is painful and difficult, but make sure that you don’t give her more power than she deserves. And, healing is often closer than you may think. It took a lot of work and patience, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Should I Know All Of The Details Of My Husband’s Cheating

by: katie lersch: I recently received an email from a wife who was very frustrated because her husband would not give her all of the details about his recent cheating on her. He would basically only tell her the time frame in which it happened in, how long it lasted, and that ultimately he had decided that he wanted to save the marriage and could assure her that he loved her, wanted to be with her, and would never cheat again.

This little bit of information was not nearly enough for the wife. This didn’t even begin to work for her. In short, she wanted to know everything. She wanted to start with who the other woman was, where he met her, the places they went and what they did, and exactly what the relationship was based on and what it consisted of. And this was just for starters. Eventually, she wanted to know which friends, coworkers, or family members were in on this. She wondered just what it was about this other person that attracted her husband. And she wanted to know what made this relationship something that he would risk his marriage for.

Both spouses likely felt that they were doing the right thing. The wife had a right to most of the information that she was seeking. But the husband was right to want to spare the wife pain and to keep some of the more hurtful information (that didn’t have any bearing on moving forward) to himself. I will discuss this more in the following article.

The Things About His Cheating That You Deserve To Know: First off, I’m usually going to sympathize with the person who was cheated on, since I was in this position myself. I know what this person wants to know and why they want to know it. When you have been betrayed in this way, you begin to doubt whether your knowledge of your relationship and your place in it is even approaching accurate.

So you feel that you’re going to need for him to fill in the holes so that you have a clearer vision of true reality. And you have every right to know who the other woman was. You’ll understandably want to know if this was someone that you knew and if your husband is still in contact with her. You need to know if the relationship is completely over and if she is completely out of the picture. And, you will want to and need to know the circumstances that lead up to this so that you’re eyes will be open should the same circumstances present themselves in the future.

Usually at this point, you’re trying to determine just how bad this all was. You want to make sure that he used protection so that your health is not in danger. You want to know how many lies he told you and for how long. You want to know exactly what his feelings are for this woman and where they stand now. You need this information to evaluate the level of the betrayal to determine how you want to proceed. This is completely understandable and in my opinion, you’re most certainly entitled.

The Things Like You Likely Want To Know About His Cheating That Might Not Do Any Good: Sometimes when you get the answers that you really do need to know, this turns out to not be enough. You still worry that you are in the dark and that you’re missing something. Understandably, some women become quite obsessed with the details. They want to know even the tiny details like what were their pet names for one another, exactly what they did and where they did it. Although I do understand why you want to know these things, I can tell you from experience that these are the tiny details that really don’t do any good. They only feed your obsession and make you feel worse about yourself and your situation. They are a road to nowhere.

They will only feed your insecurities and contribute to your dwelling in places that will bring you even further down. It’s always a good idea when you have an urge to continue to demand answers to ask yourself if his response is going to move you toward healing and honest evaluation or is going to lead you to place of insecurity and more pain.

The Short Version Of What You Need To Really Evaluate Your Situation: Here’s the best nutshell version I can give you. Yes, you absolutely need and deserve to know what type of cheating and situation you are dealing with. You need to know the things that are going to help you to determine what type of behavior you are up against in order to decide if you want to save the marriage.

You need to understand where his commitment and his loyalty now lies. You need to know how he plans to help you work through this and which safeguards he intends to use to keep this from happening again. But, it will likely only hurt you and keep the cycle going if you ask those small details about the other woman’s personality and appearance that cause the painful comparisons that really don’t do anything to help you heal.

I know that dealing with his cheating and the doubts can be very challenging and painful, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Is It Possible To Start Over With A Clean Slate After Your Spouse Cheats Or Has An Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I recently heard from a wife who was trying to best deal with her marriage after her husband had an affair.  The husband was pushing her to “just start over” and to proclaim that they were beginning again with a “clean slate.”  The wife was torn about this.  She was relieved that her husband wanted to move forward with the marriage because, very recently, she wasn’t sure if her husband was going to let the other woman go.  So there was a sense of relief that his priority was now with her and their marriage.   But she wasn’t sure if it was going to be possible for her to have that “clean slate” which he kept talking about.

She said in part:  “my husband has finally decided to end the affair because he wants to save our marriage.  But he keeps telling me that he’s tired of constantly “rehashing the past.”  He feels that it’s time to put this behind us and start our marriage from a new place.  He says he wants to “start over with a completely clean slate” but I’m not sure if this is even going to be possible for me.  I do want to save my marriage.  I do want to be happy with him again.  But I can’t forget what he did to me and I may never completely be over his affair.  I don’t think it’s fair or even realistic to think that he gets to mess up so badly in our marriage and then be rewarded with a completely new beginning where his actions are just forgotten because we want to begin again.  How do I even respond to this?”

These types of questions are very common.  It’s normal for the man who cheated to ask for a clean slate while the wife who was cheated on is reluctant or even unable to give him one.  In the article below, I will offer some insights that I hope will help you if you are dealing with this situation.

There’s A Difference Between A Clean Slate And A New Beginning: I actually think that it is possible to begin again in your marriage after your spouse cheats or has an affair.  Many married couples are able to do this.  It actually is possible to create a marriage that is superior to the one that existed before the infidelity.   But, there is a big difference between this scenario and one where the unfaithful spouse is hoping that his infidelity will just be erased and wiped clean as though it never happened in the first place.

It’s not fair (or even realistic) to expect your spouse to just forget about your mistakes or to just begin again with no memory of the past.  This is especially true if your spouse hasn’t had the time or hasn’t been given the tools to completely heal.  If you really want to save your marriage and help your spouse get over your cheating, the way to do this isn’t to rush them or pressure them to do something that they may not be ready to do.

So while it is possible to repair and rebuild your marriage to the point that both of you feel as if you’ve been given a second chance or have a new marriage (where it feels like you’re “starting over,”) the clean slate description really does take it a bit too far, at least in my opinion.  In my experience, infidelity can’t be erased just because you may hope that this is possible.  It CAN be something that is worked through and that makes your marriage stronger, but it doesn’t just disappear.  (Luckily, the same is true of good things that you’ve contributed to your marriage. And it wouldn’t be fair to negate those either.)

How To Handle It When Your Spouse Is Pushing You For A “Clean Slate:” I suppose there are some spouses who feel OK with this request and who are able to comply with it.  But these aren’t the folks that contact me.  I usually hear from those who doubt that this scenario is going to be completely possible for them.  At the same time, they often don’t want to out and out reject or disappoint their spouse because deep down, they really do want to save their marriage. This can leave them with a bit of a dilemma.

I think it’s best to be honest while being hopeful and diplomatic at the same time.  In other words, while it may be possible for you to begin again in your marriage, you might find it more difficult (or unrealistic) to just wipe away the past. It’s completely OK to be honest about this.   You might say something to the effect of: “Please understand that I do want to save our marriage and begin again.  But right now, I’m still healing.  It’s just going to take a while, I’m afraid.  This doesn’t mean that I’m not committed to our marriage or that I’m going to hold onto my resentment forever.  But at the same time, we can’t deny the past and we can’t pretend that this never happened.  So for right now, I’m not comfortable telling you that I’m completely moving on with a clean slate.  I will always remain open to your proving to me that you can and will restore my trust and faith in you.  And I am committed to showing you the same through my  determination to rebuild our marriage. Let’s just take this day by day and not worry so much about all of the definitions.  We can certainly still save our marriage while we are adjusting and evaluating as we go along.”

In this way, you’re still placing your focus on your marriage and you’re being upbeat and honest, but you aren’t agreeing to something that you just don’t feel at this time.  To answer the question posed, I believe that it’s possible to start over in your marriage after infidelity (if both spouses agree to this,)  but I’m more torn on the “clean slate” issue.  I’ve had people tell me that they were able to do this, but I didn’t find it possible to just pretend that the infidelity never existed, although I did find a way to move past it.

I know that this issue is a very difficult one, but I believe that you can save your marriage even when you have doubts and some unresolved issues as long as you keep moving forward.  If it helps, you can read about how I was able to save my marriage after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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How Will My Husband Act After I Confront Him About The Affair

by: katie lersch:  I recently heard from a wife who had found out that her husband had been cheating on her.  A mutual friend of the couple had come to the wife and told her that she had seen the wife’s husband at a restaurant with another woman.  The friend also said that it was clear that this was a romantic dinner.  After hearing this, the wife did some digging and discovered that her husband wasn’t just cheating on her, he was having a full blown affair and had been doing so for about three months. The wife had concrete proof of this.  But, she wasn’t sure how to confront the husband about it and was concerned about his reaction.

She asked me, in part: “how do husbands respond when you confront them about their affairs?  How can I expect my husband to react?  I don’t know why I’m so nervous about this.  He’s the one who cheated on me.  But I suspect he’s going to have a very strong reaction and that things might get ugly.  What can I expect going into this?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Men’s Reactions When They Are Confronted About Having An Affair Vary Dramatically.  But Here Are Some Common Reactions:  It really was impossible for me to tell the wife how her husband was going to react.  This varies from man to man and from marriage to marriage.  The reaction usually depends at least somewhat on what the wife says and the stance she takes when she is confronting him.

If she’s angry and accusatory, then he’s more likely to be defensive.  If she’s hurt and reeling, he’s more likely to be apologetic.  If she’s unsure and indecisive, he’s more likely to look you right in the eye and deny it.  However, there are no absolutes here and there are so many variables in a man’s reaction that this is impossible for me to predict.

Some men will get flustered and downright angry that you have found out about and are calling them on their affair.  Others will immediately fall all over themselves to apologize and will promise that they will end the affair right away.  Others are at the ready with their excuses and will insinuate (or out and out say) that they had an affair because you weren’t available to them or because there were issues with the marriage.  Other men will try to downplay the affair and will tell you things  like it didn’t mean anything to them or that they were just getting ready to break things off.

You might see any of these reactions or you might see something entirely different.  It helps to know and remember that you did nothing wrong and that you have every right to confront him.  However, how you confront him can be important – especially if you care about or are concerned about his reaction.  This leads me to my next point.

Some Tips For Confronting Your Husband About His Affair:  I know that you likely have a huge amount of dread about this.  I know that this is likely one of the most difficult conversations that you may ever have with your husband. But, if you are absolutely sure that there’s no doubt that he’s having an affair, it doesn’t make sense to remain quiet and allow him to continue having one.

I recommend waiting to confront him until you know that you can be calm and also know that you have indisputable proof.  And, if you are worried about your husband having a bad reaction, then I would suggest having this conversation where there are other people around.

Of course, you don’t want to have this conversation where other people can hear you, but if you’re worried about a bad reaction, your husband might hesitate to act badly if he knows that doing so will draw attention to himself by complete strangers.  (And hopefully, it goes without saying that you never want to put yourself in a dangerous or overly volatile situation.  If you think this is possible, it’s likely better to have this conversation over the phone or with someone else present.)

It’s also important to try your best to remain calm.  I know that this is easier said than done, but the more calm you are, the more likely that his reaction will be more in line with your tone.  I think it’s best just to tell him what you have found and then wait for him to speak.

This probably isn’t the time to tell him how disappointed, shocked, and furious that you are.  He likely knows this anyway and if you express these things, you won’t know his true reaction. (Plus, you will have plenty of time for additional conversations in the future.) My suggestion is always to calmly tell him what you know and then wait to see how he responds. Allow silence to do the work for you and put the burden of a response on him.

One more word of caution.  Your husband’s immediate reaction might be very different than the reaction you will get a few days from now or even next week.  Many men are taken by surprise and are frankly embarrassed and flustered.  But instead of showing you these emotions, they will show you anger as a way to cover up their vulnerability and shock.  I tell you this because I want you to know that you might actually see a variety of reactions, but they may not come all at once or you may not see them all initially.

Once the shock wears off and he realizes that there’s no reason to lie or to continue on with the posturing, you are more likely to see how he really feels and how he is really going to approach this.  I know this isn’t easy and I know that this is a conversation that you don’t want to have, but try to remain calm and remember that you did absolutely nothing wrong.

My confrontation with my husband went extremely badly, but this is because I caught him in the act.  Those few weeks after that confrontation were a blur of awful things.  Eventually though, after the smoke cleared, things changed and eventually we were able to save our marriage.  But this didn’t happen without a lot of hard work and stubbornness.  If it helps, you can read more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Do Husbands Cheat Because Their Wives Don’t Appreciate Them?

by: katie lersch: If you spend any amount of time researching why men cheat on their wives, I’m extremely confident that you’ll read about this theory of cheating.  Many experts have been quite outspoken about their assertions that a man’s cheating has less to do with sex or his attraction to his wife and more to do with a husband not feeling appreciated.  (In fact, who can forget Gary Neuman’s appearance on Oprah and the women audience member’s angry reaction to it?  (I don’t blame the women by the way.  I feel the same way.))

Supposedly, because of this lack of appreciation, the second another woman listens to a husband, notices his efforts and attributes, and seems to appreciate them, the marriage is vulnerable to an affair.  And if the woman suddenly appreciating him is affectionate, there, willing and available, then an affair is that much more likely and the marriage is that much more vulnerable.

I understand why the experts talk about and believe this.  And you really can’t blame them.  Their theories are a direct reflection of what men tell them about their reasons for cheating.  And men will definitely tell you that one of the major contributing factors to them cheating or having an affair is feeling under appreciated.

I’ve had numerous men contact me on my blog and tell me the exact same thing.  And these men are very sincere and whole heartedly believe what they are saying.  They don’t see this as excuse.  They just see it as their truth.

Feeling Unappreciated Is Not A Valid Reason For Cheating, But This Reasoning Still Holds Important Clues For Us:  Here’s the point which I think many people miss.  While I don’t doubt that these men felt unappreciated, why is this an excuse for cheating?  In my opinion, almost everyone feels unappreciated in their marriage at some time in their lives.  But not everyone cheats.  I don’t doubt for a moment that people cheat when they feel that their spouse doesn’t understand them, listen to them, and value them.

But the real question, at least to me, is why they cheat and then create an even larger problem in their marriage?  Wouldn’t a better course of action be to ask your spouse for more attention and appreciation rather than just seeking the same somewhere else?  (Of course, many people who cheat will tell you they have done this and have either been ignored or told that they expect too much or are overreacting.) I believe that it’s very important that we change our mindsets about this.  It’s important that both spouses understand that there’s never any justification for cheating when you have the ability to communicate and ask what you need instead.  And because of this, it’s very important to create an open atmosphere in your marriage where both people feel safe and supported about bringing this sort of thing up.

The truth is, when someone cheats, there’s no way to take it back, no matter how or why it happened.  That’s why, to me, this argument is one that unfortunately comes after the fact, when it’s too late to take any action.

However, this does give us some very important insights that we can use in the future.  It lets us know that this is one place where men in particular are very vulnerable. We don’t necessarily have to agree with or understand this reasoning to know it’s there. And this gives us some clues as to where we need to turn our attention if we don’t want to deal with infidelity again.

For example, although I don’t completely buy this an excuse, I want my husband to be faithful to me from here on out.  So I make it a point to make sure that we both feel appreciated, heard and valued.  It’s the right thing to do and it has benefits for me, my marriage, and my own well being as well.  I’ve found that if you go out of your way to provide your spouse with what’s important to them, they will often do the same, at least to the best of their ability.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Is Claiming He Cheated Because You Didn’t Appreciate Him:  So what do you do when you’re on the receiving end of this argument?  I know that it can be maddening to constantly hear what sounds like silly excuses for cheating.  I recently heard from a woman who said, in part: “he says he cheated because I didn’t appreciate him but what a ridiculous thing to say.  I’m the most under appreciated person in my family, but I’m faithful.  I want to tell him he’s acting like a child.  Do I have to constantly feed his ego and reassure him for him to be faithful to me?  It’s just silly.”

I understand feeling this way.  These points are valid ones.  But sometimes you have to ask yourself which strategy is better for you in the long run.  The point is, you can debate this point endlessly with your husband and remain defensive about it, or you can try to come to some sort of understanding about it so that you can move on.

I’ve always suggested acknowledging it even if you don’t agree.  People can’t control what they are feeling, but they can control their reactions to those feelings.  When you are ready, a suggested script (especially when you want to save your marriage) might be something like.  “I hear what you are saying, although I don’t necessarily agree with it.  And I don’t think that feeling unappreciated is a valid reason to break your marriage vows.  I wish you would have come to me about this before you did something you can never take back.  In the future, you will have to come to me because it’s never going to be OK for you to cheat.  There will never be any valid reason that I will accept for infidelity. But the issue before us now is where do we go from here.  I want for us to rebuild a healthy marriage and I want for both of us to have what we need to be happy.  I will make an effort to make you feel more appreciated, but you have to communicate your feelings and directly ask for what you need. I can’t read your mind so I can’t give you what you need if I don’t always know what your needs are.”

I know that dealing with these sorts of excuses can be maddening. But, always try to focus on moving forward despite them. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is intact. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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The Steps to Getting Over Infidelity In Your Marriage

by: katie lersch: I get a lot of correspondence from people who are trying very hard to recover from or get over their spouse’s infidelity. Most of them really do have good intentions and are doing their very best. But, for various and understandable reasons, they sometimes get stuck and just can’t seem to be able to move on. People often ask me what are the steps that they need to take to get over the infidelity once and for all.

In the following article, I’ll tell you what I think are the most important steps that should be completed in order for a person to be able to move on after their spouse cheated or had an affair.

Step One: Knowing That Your Spouse Is Sorry And Is Not Longer In Contact With The Other Person: So often, I have people who ask me why they can’t move on and, with a little probing, I’m very easily able to find a lot of leftover doubt. Of course, there’s bound to be some doubt when your spouse has betrayed you in this way. But, people who struggle for long periods of time generally have doubts that are just not being addressed enough.

In these situations, you will sometimes see that the faithful spouse knows or fears that the other person is still in the picture. Sometimes, the cheating spouse works with or has to interact with the other person. This is an almost impossible situation because the faithful spouse is now always worried about these interactions. Basically, the wound is always being reopened and the faithful spouse is always comparing themselves and doubting themselves and their marriage.

It really is the responsibility of the cheating spouse to decisively and to completely remove themselves from the other person. You cannot expect your spouse to trust in you again and to attempt to repair the marriage when they have to worry about this other person all of the time.

Another issue that I see continuously cropping up is that the faithful spouse really does not believe that the cheating spouse is really sorry or remorseful. People often suspect that the sorrow is only an act and that the real sorrow lies in the fact that they were caught and now can’t carry on freely with the other person. Many people (wives especially) fear that the husband is only returning to the marriage because he has too much to lose if he doesn’t.

These issues absolutely have to be addressed and put to rest if the marriage is ever going to fully recover. You just can not have these doubts plaguing you day after day and expect to move on once and for all.

Step Two: Understand What Went Wrong And Have The Courage To Fix It: It’s so tempting to want to close your eyes to all of these issues as quickly as you can. After all, these things are so painful. Who really wants to dwell on this? While it’s certainly not a good idea to dwell, if you don’t figure out what went wrong and then really and completely fix it, that doubt that I talked about is always going to follow you around and compromise your happiness and your ability to feel peace.

This in turn, can’t help but continue to negatively affect your marriage. You’re always going to wonder and worry if these same issues are going to sabotage you again. Yes, working through this is not always easy. And, there might be times where both people have to take a long, hard, and painful look at how they contributed. While I very much resent the implication that a cheating husband is in some way the wife’s fault, every marriage can benefit from both parties taking an honest look at its vulnerabilities.

This isn’t always easy, but when you can come through on the other side, you will have knowledge and confidence that will only help you in the long term.

Step Three: Make Sure That Both Spouses Address Personal Issues And Any Damage To Self Esteem: People often assume that when an affair or cheating happens, the most common cause is because of problems or omissions in the marriage. In other words, people assume that the spouse who was cheated on fell short in some way. The truth is that it’s often the cheating spouse who falls short in some way. Honestly, it’s usually that the cheating spouse is reacting to self doubt, insecurity, and poor impulse control.

And, if these issues are not ultimately addressed and worked through, you are ultimately still vulnerable to them. People are often very reluctant to do self work, because they fear that it’s going to negatively affect their spouse in the marriage in some way. In short, they fear the distance. Often though, the exact opposite happens. Self knowledge is more likely to bring you closer together and to diminish the vulnerabilities.

Most people intuitively know that the spouse who was cheated on will need to work to restore their self esteem. And frankly, I can’t recommend this enough because it helped me tremendously. But the spouse who cheated often has some work to do also. They will often have a great deal of guilt and shame. Many people feel that they deserve this, and that might be true. But if they carry these feelings forward, then they continue to be vulnerable, which means that your marriage continues to be vulnerable.

There was a time when I thought I would never get over my husband’s affair, but this is in the past. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Does My Spouse No Longer Love Me After My Affair? How Does He / She Really Feel About Me?

I sometimes hear from people who have recently cheated on their spouses and who have also been recently caught. By the time they contact me, they’ve often made at least some attempt at a reconciliation or at working things out with their spouse. They are often sorry and want advice on what they need to do to fix the damage that this has caused to their marriage. But they often have some doubts as to whether their spouse is ever really going to totally get over the affair and truly love them again in the same way. They often worry that their spouse has lost respect or love for them and might never see them in the same way again.

I often hear comments like “my spouse says that they she is trying to forgive me and that she still loves me, but I wonder if she is telling me the whole truth. Because I can’t help but see the look in her eyes and the tension in her face when she’s saying this. I can’t help but think that she’s never going to feel the same way about me again. I almost wish she would just be brutally honest, but I’m also afraid of what she might say. How does the faithful spouse really see the cheating spouse after the affair? What does my wife really think of me, even if she’s afraid or reluctant to say it? Does she no longer love me?”

I do have some insight into this as a wife who was cheated on and because I hear and read a lot of comments from faithful and hurting spouses on my surviving infidelity blog. Although I don’t know the people involved and can’t possibly know people’s intimate thoughts, I do know the basic feelings that I felt and that are also communicated to me. So, in the following article, I will try to give you some insights on how your spouse might see you (or how they might feel about you) if you’re the one who cheated.

It’s Not That Your Spouse Doesn’t Love You After Your Affair, It’s More Often That They’re Disappointed, Shocked, And Hurt By Your Actions: Many spouses who have cheated tell me that they’re assuming that their spouse no longer loves them because of their actions. This often isn’t true (even though sometimes both people think that it is.) In fact, your spouse often feels the strong feelings that they do precisely because they love you and, because of this love, your affair has hurt them very deeply.

They’re often reeling in shock and disbelief. They will doubt what they have always assumed to be true about your love for them, your integrity, and your trustworthiness. Please understand that my saying this doesn’t mean that you can’t eventually earn these things back. But I tell you this because I want for you to understand that the behavior that you’re seeing from them doesn’t always mean they no longer love you. But it can mean that they are struggling to determine how the person they thought they knew could do such a thing to them. As a result, there’s a lot of disappointment and doubt and this manifests itself in all sorts of ways.

Understand That Often, The Anger That Your Spouse Is Feeling Toward Your Having An Affair Is Sometimes Projected As You On A Person (Especially In The Beginning:) Sometimes, when I explain to the cheating spouse that what they are often seeing is disappointment and shock, they will doubt this. They will say something like “I think what my wife feels goes beyond anger. Sometimes I think she absolutely hates me since my affair.” It can certainly feel this way. And she may very well think she hates you. (I know I felt this way when I was in this situation, but I eventually moved past this.)

Often, the strong feelings that you are seeing are the direct result of how your spouse feels about the affair. And it’s not uncommon for them to project the shock, fury, and disappointment that they feel about the affair onto you as a person. In fact, one major hurdle to cross during healing a marriage after an affair is understanding that what you feel about the affair is very different than how you feel about the person who had the affair. In other words, the act and the person are two different things and warrant two different sets of feelings. You can be angry, disappointed in, and out and out floored by the affair, but eventually these feelings should be directed toward the affair and not your spouse.

This process can take a while to work through, which is why it’s important that you don’t take this personally and become discouraged thinking that your spouse will never change or move past their feelings. You must understand that they are dealing with a very heavy load right now.

How To Handle It When You Aren’t Sure How Your Spouse Feels About You After The Affair (But You Suspect The Worst:) It can help to try to put yourself in your spouse’s position. How would you feel if you were the faithful spouse? You’d likely be devastated and struggling. But would the infidelity mean that you didn’t love your spouse anymore? Probably not. Yes, you might be beyond hurt. But deep down, you would probably still love the person even if you hated the act.

So, knowing this, what’s the best way to handle it when you aren’t sure how your spouse really feels after the affair or the infidelity? Well, you could always express your concerns, but the last thing that you want to do is to make your spouse feel pressured or guilty. You’re not looking for pity nor do you want for them to rush their healing process or offer reassurances that they aren’t ready to give just because you need or want this reassurance.

In my opinion, the best thing that you can do right now is to keep telling your spouse that you still love them, that you are more sorry than they could possibly know, that you will do whatever you need to do to help them, and that you will be patient through out this whole process in the hopes that one day you will be able to earn back the feelings that they used to have for you.

If you are able to rebuild and successfully save your marriage, the feelings should return and your spouse should eventually realize that the negative feelings that they had are about what you did rather than about who you are. But between that day and today, there is likely a lot of work and rehabilitation to do.

I know that you may feel like your affair is going to destroy your marriage, but it doesn’t have to. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is pretty high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com 

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How Do I Convince My Husband That The Woman He’s Cheating And Having An Affair With Is A Gold Digger And Only Interested In Money

I sometimes hear from wives who ask for advice on how to get their husband to see how stupid he is acting when he’s cheating or having an affair. They want him to wake up and see how silly and how embarrassing his actions truly are.

I recently heard from a wife who felt this way, but her main concern was making the husband see that the woman he was cheating with was only interested in him for financial or material reasons. She said in part: “my husband is cheating on me with some young girl who works in his office. He’s running around trying to act young and thinking he’s on top of the world. What he doesn’t see is that she’s only interested in him because he has money, because he’s successful, and because he can help her career. What else would a pretty, twenty something year old girl want with a 50 something year old man who is over weight and balding? How can he not see that she’s a gold digger? He just looks like an old fool who is being taken advantage of, but he doesn’t see it that way. How can I make him realize that she’s only out for his money?”

I will try to address these concerns and offer some suggestions on how to handle this situation in the following article.

Although The Other Woman May Well Be Only Interested In Your Husband’s Money, He Probably Isn’t Going To Immediately Change His Stance Because Of Your Drawing His Attention To This:

I understand wanting to tell your husband that he looks silly and is being taken advantage of by a young woman who is only interested in his money, but doing so often won’t change his actions or change his mind.

The thing is, these same thoughts have probably occurred to him although it’s likely that he’s tried to diminish them or push them away. No one wants to confront the thought that they are being taken advantage or that they are not special enough, attractive enough, or vital enough to attract someone else because of their personal attributes rather than their material ones. People WANT to believe the best about themselves, even if they doubt themselves deep down.

Your husband is not the first man who has cheated with someone much younger who was interested in what he could do for or provide for her and he will probably not be the last. He’s also probably well aware of this societal norm but he doesn’t want to apply it to himself.

It’s important to understand that men often cheat as way to feel more powerful, more successful, more important and more attractive than they truly feel deep down. So, your drawing their attention to why someone who was is young and pretty couldn’t possibly really want him or find him attractive is probably not something he is going to embrace. He’s trying to get around these type of personal self doubts to avoid pain, which makes it more likely that he’s going to tune you out.

Think about this. It’s very unlikely that he’s going to respond to your observations with something like “you’re right. What an old food I’ve been. I know that the only thing attractive about me is my money and my influence. Thank you for drawing this to my attention. I’m going to end the affair right away.”

So, since you are not likely to get this result, then let’s explore what you really want and go from there.

Determining What You Really Want. What Is Your Purpose In Trying To Get Him To See This Painful Truth?

As a wife who has been in a similar situation, I suspected what this wife truly wanted. After we exchanged communications for a while, I knew I was right. Her hope was to talk some sense into her husband, make him see how mistaken he really was, and hope that he was embarrassed or ashamed enough to stop the cheating.

At the end of the day, she wanted for him to stop being unfaithful, focus on becoming the man she had always knew, and return to her and the marriage. She had a hard time admitting this even to herself. But, I had to ask if telling her husband he was too old to attract a young woman was really going to achieve this goal.

It wasn’t at all likely, so my suggestion was to act on what she truly wanted. By saying these mean and hurtful things (even if they were true) she was only pushing her husband further away and making both of them feel worse. I felt that there was a better alternative.

Your Husband Will Likely Learn The Truth About The Other Woman In Time Without Your Needing To Do (Or Say) A Thing:

I have people from both sides of the affair and cheating visit my site. I’ve seen this scenario play out in a number of ways. And I can say with a large degree of confidence that eventually, the man in this situation will usually figure out the truth about the other woman for himself.

Eventually, the young women usually show their true colors. It becomes apparent that they are more invested in the money and the influence than in him. They will start to make larger and larger demands and be willing to give less in return and eventually many men will come to realize what is happening and will realize that it just isn’t worth it.

At that point, many will painfully realize that they were being taken advantage of and were foolish without your needing to say a word. This is truly the best case scenario for you because you haven’t said anything to damage the relationship. When I explain this to many wives, they understand it in theory but have a hard time with it in reality. They’ll say things like “so I’m just supposed to sit back and watch him carry on with a gold digger half his age and not comment on it or draw his attention to it?”

That’s not what I’m saying. You don’t have to pretend that you aren’t completely disappointed in him and his behavior, and you can certainly tell him the same. But when doing so, you don’t have to harp on the fact that he’s an old fool who is being taken in by a gold digger. In truth, he likely already suspects this deep down.

A suggested alternative would to say something like: “I’m very disappointed that your actions have betrayed our family and make us look like a common cliché. Hopefully some time in the future, you will see this the way that I do and you’ll understand why I’m so hurt and frustrated by this. For now, I can’t control your actions but I certainly can and will control my own.”

While you are waiting for him to come to this conclusion, you can work on your own healing and recovery. That way, when he does realize that he’s being taken for a ride, you will look very attractive by comparison.

I know that getting your husband to see the truth about this other woman is probably just one difficult issue you are dealing with. But hang in there. Healing is eventually possible and it’s worth it. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is pretty high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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What Would Be Good Payback For My Husband’s Cheating And Having An Affair: Read This Before You Decide

Sometimes, I have women who contact me and tell me that they’re looking for a “good payback” on their husband for his affair or his cheating. Understandably, they are extremely angry with him and they are looking for a way to make him very much regret cheating on them. Many women want to do something that is going to make quite the statement in the hopes that this will help them to feel vindicated and give them some closure. They are also hoping to make their husbands feel just as badly, embarrassed, and uncomfortable as they feel right now.

I have to tell you though that rarely do I see these attempts at payback work out in the way that the women had hoped. Often either something goes wrong or the attempt only makes things worse rather than better. Nonetheless, in the following article, I’ll go over some common themes that I see in payback attempts and tell you what I think are the risks involved in each.

Trying To Embarrass Or Shame Your Husband As Payback For Cheating Or Having An Affair: Many of the schemes that I hear about are an attempt to “out” the husband for his cheating and to make him feel embarrassed or ashamed. I’ve heard of people posting the details of the affair on sites like Facebook or MySpace. I’ve known women who have sent embarrassing photos of the husband (while cheating) to his boss, family, or kids.

I’ve even known a wife who wanted to buy a large billboard on a major street so that every time her husband passed the billboard on the way to work, he would then have to come face to face with his betrayal. And honestly, I don’t think that many of these women look back on this and see it as a good call. Often the husband reacts badly and wants his own revenge. And so nothing is really settled and no closure is reached.

Mean Spirited Actions Meant To Get Revenge On The Other Woman Or On The Husband: The next category that the paybacks seem to fall into are the actions meant to get revenge. Examples in this category are things like doing damage to one of their cars or homes, or doing something that is going to damage their reputation at their jobs, with their families, or with their friends. I’ve had people tell me that they’ve keyed cars, slashed tires, put sugar in gas tanks, made prank calls, toilet papered houses, and did other things meant to ruin property or possessions.

I’ve had women tell me that they’ve called to complain about the other woman’s job performance as though they were a client or customer when they really weren’t. I know of women who tell mutual friends about the other woman’s character. I understand that wives who have been cheated on feel somewhat justified in their actions. They feel that they were wronged and so their husband or the other woman deserve a dose of the same medicine. But, now that I’ve told you what people attempt in terms of payback, I also want to tell you how and why these things often back fire on you and actually give you the opposite result than you wanted.

Often Attempts To Hurt Your Husband Or The Other Woman As “Payback” Will Hurt You Just As Much As It Hurts Them. Here’s Why: I know that you probably don’t believe me when I say this, but often attempting to get revenge is done in the hopes that you will transfer the pain that you are feeling onto them. And, the hope is by doing this, you will feel better and actually get some relief.

I know you may doubt me when I say this, but you often don’t get the relief you were hoping for. Because the husband and the other woman will likely then need to do something in response. So, you will then feel that you need to do even more to get back at them. And so it never ends. There is a real risk that by trying to retaliate, you actually become more engaged and involved in all of the negativity instead of beginning to let go.

And sometimes, the hurt that you feel is in direct proportion in the disappointment that you feel in your husband and in how this has affected your marriage. I know that if you’re angry enough to want to get a payback, you probably don’t care all that much about what happens in your marriage. But I have to tell you that you may actually change your mind about what you want to happen down the road. But if you take action this drastic, sometimes there is no going back. Think very hard about something that you might later regret.

I Would Suggest Asking Yourself What You Are Trying To Accomplish With The Revenge And Then Finding A More Constructive Way To Provide It: Please hear me out when I say that you will often be better off if you sit down and think about what you are trying to accomplish with your attempts at payback. If you are looking to make someone else feel bad so that you can feel better, ask yourself if the high cost is worth it and how likely this plan is to meet your goal.

I firmly believe that the fastest way to feel better in this situation is actually focusing on your healing and your recovery rather than focusing on shifting the negative feelings and spreading them around. Because spreading them around often just prolongs your pain, in my experience. Please don’t misunderstand me. By no means am I implying that you are not justified in wanting to get some justice. I’m not saying you’re wrong or that your motives aren’t understandable.

What I am saying is that I have been there and I want you to feel better in the shortest amount of time possible. And it’s my belief that seeking paybacks usually actually delay your feeling better rather than speeding it along. It actually only feeds upon itself and only makes things seem more immediate and dire. Often, you will get more relief from stepping back and focusing on yourself rather than on someone else. I know that it can feel like you’re taking your power back when you plot revenge, but actually, in my opinion, you are giving them more power simply because you are placing your focus on them. I hope something here has helped.

Getting payback on your husband or the other woman is probably just one of the issues that you are dealing with. I know that working through this is extremely difficult, but hang in there. Healing is possible and it can truly be worth it. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago (when I too was considering revenge on my husband,) I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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