What If The Sex Was Better With The Other Woman During The Affair?

I hear from a lot of women who are trying to restore their sex life after their husband’s cheating or having an affair.  One theme that I see coming up time and time again is the wife’s worry that the sex was better with the other woman and the husband comparing the two.

I often hear comments like: “I’m scared that he thinks the sex was better with her. I worry that when he has sex with me, he’s thinking about and wishing it was her.  I worry that he’s only going through the motions and isn’t really into it or turned on.  How can I stop having these thoughts because it’s ruining sex for me and it’s wrecking my self esteem.”

Why You Must Stop Comparing Yourself With The Other Woman When It Comes To Sex:  I know that it’s very normal and tempting to do this, but if you keep thinking about him having sex with the other woman, you keep yourself from really moving forward and you thwart your own efforts to heal and to have your own fulfilling sex life (which you most certainly deserve.)

And frankly, the two relationships are beyond compare.  You have a long term, deep and meaningful relationship that was so solid that he wanted to marry you.  What they had was a fleeting thing based on something that wasn’t real.

Yes, I know that many people will say sex during an affair is particularly exciting or good.  But they usually think this at the time.  Later, when they have some perspective and they look back at their mistaken actions, many eventually change their mind. So making your assumptions based on opinions that may change isn’t the best idea for you.

And, if you allow these thoughts to affect your sex life and intimacy with your husband as you attempt to rebuild your marriage, you really are selling yourself short.  The whole idea is to make your own sex life so fulfilling and exciting that you don’t have to worry that he’s thinking about her because you can see in his eyes and through his responses that he most definitely is not.

What To Do To Stop Yourself From Worrying About Sex With The Other Woman:  Honestly, I know that what I’m asking you to do is very difficult.  It’s normal to worry about how good or exciting sex was with the other person.  And it’s normal to have doubts and insecurities as the result of this.

If you’re feeling this, you should know that you CAN move past this.  The way to do that is restore your own self confidence so that your own sex life becomes so solid that you’re not worried or even thinking about her.  This truly is the way to break out of the trap of always worrying, comparing, and looking back.

Make no apologies for doing what you need to do to rebuild your self esteem.  To the extent that you are comfortable doing so, tweak your appearance.  Get clothes that make you feel good about yourself.  Learn new tricks in the bedroom that make sex good for both of you.  There are many resources for this, but I like this one.  One very important aspect to this whole thing is confidence.  A woman who is confident and enthusiastic is a huge turn on for a man.  But a woman who is so worried that she can’t really be responsive is not.

Now with this said, you don’t need to feel like you have to pretend, put on a performance or be someone else.  If you’re just playing a role, then you and your husband are both going to know this.  It will feel foreign and fake.  You should always keep in line with your own personality and comfort level.  However, stepping outside of your comfort zone in a safe way can make for more exciting and fulfilling sex.  But, if you are truly uncomfortable, you shouldn’t push yourself.

You can resume a healthy sex life after an affair. I won’t tell you that it’s always easy or comfortable.  But thinking about sex that is in the past and involves someone else isn’t healthy either. 

If the affair is over, then allow it to be over.  By continuing to think about like this, you are, in a way, keeping it alive.  And you’re continuing to draw your husband’s attention to it, which is exactly what you don’t want.   One of the best ways to truly move on is to focus on your own marriage and your own sex life – not on someone else’s.

Restoring my own sex life after my husband’s affair was a big hurtle to overcome.  But our sex life now is actually better than it was before.  So much so that I no longer worry that he will cheat again.  If it helps, you can read about how I recovered on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Why Do Men Cheat On Their Pretty Wives Or Girlfriends?

I get a lot of emails from women (wives and girlfriends) who are reeling from shock after they’ve seen the woman that their man cheated with.  Often, I hear comments like: “she isn’t even that pretty.  She certainly isn’t his type.  She’s a touch overweight and sloppy.  In fact, she’s downright ugly. Not to toot my own horn, but most people think I’m pretty and find me attractive.  Honestly, I’m prettier than she is.  So why would he cheat on me with someone who looks like that?”

It’s not uncommon for men to cheat with unattractive women who frankly don’t hold a candle to their wives.  I’ll tell you why in the following article.

One Reason Men Cheat Is To Feel Better About Themselves And This Sometimes Doesn’t Have Anything To Do With Looks:  Many men contact me on my blog.  And many admit that they are fully aware that the other woman wasn’t nearly as pretty as their wife.  But they often don’t cheat because of the other person’s looks.

Frankly, the other woman is often just convenient or present at a time when they are vulnerable – for whatever reason.  She listens to him.  Or she makes him feel more powerful or competent than he feels at a bad time.  It often doesn’t have anything to do with how she looks.  In fact, he’s usually painfully aware that she is not as pretty as you and sometimes, that’s actually part of the appeal – I’ll explain.

Men Who Have Pretty, Successful Wives Or Girlfriends Can Feel A Little Intimidated or Inadequate And This Can Make Them Do Stupid Things:  As I said, I often dialog with men in this situation.  Sometimes, they will confess that they know that they married or were dating out of their league.  Some will even tell me that they weren’t good enough for their wife or girlfriend and that people always asked them how they were with someone like that.

Over time, they begin to feel undeserving, intimidated, or inadequate – even when this is not your fault and even when you have done NOTHING to make them feel this way.  I’m not telling you this to defend them.  I’m telling you this because I want you to understand how their feelings might have made them act the way that they did – and that their feelings are not a reflection on you or your looks and level of attractiveness.

It’s usually not that they found the other woman more attractive than you.  It’s more likely that she happened to be there when he was having all of these feelings of inadequacy.

Here’s another thing I often hear.  Men often say things like:  “It’s almost like I knew that she was too good for me and that I was too happy – so I had to go and find a way to mess everything up.”

I hear this sort of thing a lot.  It’s the excuse of self preservation. They feel like they are undeserving or unworthy of you and they subconsciously suspected that you would eventually figure this out and end the relationship.  So, to keep this whole process from hurting them, they are the one who messes everything up first.

I know that you are probably thinking none of this makes sense.  And sometimes, as a woman who has been cheated on listening to this, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me either.   But the men who confide in me genuinely believe what they are saying.

Do Not Allow This To Change The Way You Feel About Yourself:  Part of the reason I’m sharing this with you is that I don’t want for you to think that this other person was in any way prettier or better than you.  I want you to realize that cheating often doesn’t have anything to do with looks or attraction. 

It usually has more to do with whether he sees HIMSELF as attractive instead of his seeing you (or even her)  as attractive.  Don’t allow his shortcomings to make you feel as though you are not enough.  Unfortunately, cheating happens to countless beautiful and successful women.  But healing is most certainly possible.  And the first step toward that is understanding that this most certainly wasn’t your fault.

To be quite honest, the woman my husband cheated with was relatively attractive.  But, I hear of men cheating with unattractive women on an almost daily basis.  It happens all of the time.  And it doesn’t say anything about your husband, your marriage, or you.  Healing from this is the same process as healing from any infidelity.  It’s not always easy, but it’s totally possible.

If it helps, you are welcome to read about how I healed from my husband’s infidelity on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com .  I hope you find something helpful.

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What Is Necessary To Forgive Infidelity, Cheating, Or An Affair?

I often hear from spouses who have decided that they really do want to forgive infidelity, cheating, or an affair, but they are typically having a hard time with this.  The intentions are often there, but despite their best efforts, they just don’t seem to be able to really forgive.

I often hear comments like “what’s really necessary to forgive infidelity because clearly I don’t have everything that’s necessary.  I will tell my husband I’m going to forgive him but then later, I take it back because I’m still angry and, deep down, I don’t really think it’s right that he gets to cheat on me and I’m just supposed to let it go as though it never happened.  In theory, I want to forgive for the sake of my marriage, but in real life, I guess I’m just not able to do that yet.  What do I need that I don’t have?”

I find that many people misunderstand what forgiveness after infidelity or cheating really means.  It’s not necessary that you “forget” it ever happened or you give your spouse a clean slate.  In the following article, I’ll discuss what’s really necessary in order to forgive infidelity in your marriage.

An Understanding That Letting It Go Is Going To Be As Much For You As It Is For Your Spouse:  People often tell me that they’re afraid that if they forgive their spouse, this is really the same as condoning the infidelity or saying it’s OK with them.

I don’t see it that way at all.  I think it’s a fair bet that both you and your spouse know that you’re not OK with their cheating nor will you probably ever be.  To me forgiveness if a way to let it go for you – not for them.

Carrying around the heavy load of your spouse’s infidelity is crippling.  It gets very old.  Always being angry, scared, doubtful, and reeling is no way to live your life.  After a while, you realize that you have to make a very important decision.  Do you want to continue on this way or do you want to let this go for the sake of your own well being?

Holding on to the infidelity frankly hurts you every bit as much as it hurts your spouse – if not more so.  It keeps you stuck. It keeps you in pain.  And it keeps you from really experiencing and enjoying your life.  So no, forgiveness really isn’t about them.  It isn’t even primarily about the infidelity. It’s about YOU making a choice to reclaim your life.

An Understanding That Forgiveness For Infidelity Is Not The Same As Forgetting It Or Wiping The Slate Clean:  People often tell me that they equate forgiveness with “starting over.”  Or “wiping the slate clean.”  And I suppose it can mean this for some people, but I really don’t always see it that way.

It’s probably not realistic to think that you’ll ever forget the infidelity or think that you’re completely starting over.  You can’t strip your memory clean and the infidelity becomes part of the history of your marriage.  The more important question becomes will you be able to look at it as something that you worked together to over come or something that destroyed the marriage.

Nothing says you have to give your husband a free pass when you chose to forgive him.  You can forgive and still keep your eyes fully open.  You can forgive and still demand that he becomes accountable and rehabilitated.  These things aren’t mutually exclusive.

An Understanding That No Matter What, You Will Move Past This:  I think many people are afraid to forgive because they worry that doing so will lower their guard and leave them vulnerable to another bout of infidelity.  So, they become so guarded and closed off as a means of self protection.

The problem is when you’re holding on this tightly, you can’t really heal or repair your relationship because you are not open enough to do so.  Yes, forgiveness is sort of  a leap of faith. But it helps if you can make this decision knowing that you’ve done everything in your power to strengthen yourself and your marriage. Doing so allows you to have the confidence that, although the chances are low that you’ll deal with this again (because of the work you’ve done,)  you can handle anything that comes your way – should you need to.

You Shouldn’t Rush Yourself To Forgive Before You’re Ready:  Make Sure You Have What You Need First:  As much as I’m an advocate for moving on, I wouldn’t advice you to try to forgive if you know that you really are not ready to do so.  If you try to force it, then you both know that it’s not genuine and you both know it’s not likely to “stick.”

If there’s still some things that you need from your spouse (like to know they are truly remorseful, rehabilitated, and will work with you to strengthen the marriage,) then please speak up so that you get it.  As nice as it would be if everything that we needed fell right into our laps because we didn’t do anything wrong, this rarely happens.

Sometimes you literally have to spell out for or ask your husband for what you need.  Sometimes you need more help moving on.  That’s OK.  It doesn’t matter how you get there as long as you eventually do.   There’s no need to pressure yourself.  Just know that you’re doing the best you can to keep getting what you need and moving forward.  Eventually, you will get there.  

Forgiveness was a big issue in my own marriage after my husband’s affair.  It took me a long time to get there, but eventually I had a few gentle nudges that got me there.  I can frankly say that our marriage today is even better than it was before.  It took some work and I had to play the game to win but I don’t worry about him cheating on me again.  If it helps you can read that story at http://surviving-the-affair.com   And for forgiveness and moving on, I really like the work of Dr. Robert Huizenga.  You can find info for his free ecourse on the side of this blog.

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I Need And Want For My Husband To Tell Me Everything About The Affair In Order To Move Past It And Have Closure

I recently heard from a wife who was insisting that her husband tell her “EVERYTHING” after his affair.  She felt like if she had all of this information, it would help her to move on and have some closure. She strongly felt that if he would trust her enough to not hold anything back, this would say a lot about his character and help her to put this behind her once and for all.

She said, in part: “I want him to tell me everything without leaving a thing out.  I want to know where they went, what they did, how he deceived me, what they said to each other, whether they had pet names, how they laughed, what he told her about me, and anything else related to the affair. Heck, I even want to know if she wore lingerie and exactly what they did. I want to know every single tiny detail.  Because it’s only then that I feel like I can trust him and that he isn’t continuing to hold things back from me or to deceive me.  But he’s reluctant to do this.  He says it will only make me mad and cause me more pain. He doesn’t want to do anything to hurt me anymore. Who’s right?”

Actually, I can see both points.  It’s completely natural to want to know everything down to the tiniest little detail.  Because you feel that knowing everything will give you a full picture of what you are really up against and how he really went about deceiving you so that you won’t have to go through this again. And it helps you know that he’s willing to put it out there because you mean enough to him.

But here’s the thing.  I have been through this. I dialogue with women about this who have gone through this on an extremely regular basis.  Having every ounce of the information and knowing each and every detail doesn’t always make it better or bring about closure.  It can actually make it worse.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

Knowing Painful Details That Relate To Things Like Sex And Intimacy Probably Won’t Help You To Heal.  Instead, This Will Create Images You Can’t Get Out Of Your Mind:  When he tells you very intimate things like what she liked in bed, what she wore, or details like her favorite perfume or foods, then every time you are in bed, or smell that perfume, or she or eat that type of food, you are going to feel pain.

And it’s very hard to erase these things from your mind once they are there.  Instead, you’ll have all of these unwelcome mental images and pictures that continue to hurt you rather than give you closure.  I understand you wanting him to be COMPLETELY HONEST.  But sometimes, complete honestly hurts you rather than helps you.

You can probably live without the small details.  Yes, many details are important.  But from experience, I would recommend leaving some of them out.  You want to pass over anything that is going to continue to cause you pain, hurt your self esteem, or cause you to dwell on your own personal movies you can’t get out of your head.

What You Really Need To Know About The Affair For Closure And To Move On:  So now that I’ve told you some things are best left unknown, what do you really need to know?  I think you really need to know those things that help you to move on, like:

Why did the affair happen?

What can and will you do to keep it from happening again?

What happens now?

What can you do to strengthen your marriage so you don’t have to worry about this in the future?

How can you strengthen yourself so that you can heal from the affair?

What is your husband willing to do to help you accomplish all of this?

How are you going to make sure that you get what you want and have what you need?

In other words, find out the information that helps you to move past this and to feel LESS pain rather than MORE.  Sometimes, we get so caught up in the questions to which there are no real answers.  Searching for something that is just not there will simply drive you crazy and make you feel as though there is no real end to this.

So before you demand each and every answer, ask yourself what the answer is really going to do for you.  Because if the answer is going to make you feel worse rather than better – then you don’t or shouldn’t really want it .

Believe me when I say that I understand where you are.  I went through this several years ago, but I truly do consider myself healed now.  It took a lot of work but our marriage is very solid now and actually better than it was before the affair.  I don’t worry about him cheating again.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com . There’s also some free resources that might help on the side of this blog.  Hang in there!

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I Cheated On My Spouse And Had An Affair. What Types Of Questions Should I Expect? How Should I Answer?

Sometimes I hear from spouses (usually men) who are getting ready to come clean after they’ve cheated or had an affair. For whatever reason, they have decided to tell their spouse. Sometimes, the guilt is too much to bear. Other times, they know that admitting the infidelity to their spouse might help them to save their marriage. In some instances, someone else knows about the affair and has threatened to tell their spouse if they don’t do it first.

Many times, these spouses are asking what types of questions they can expect because they want to have the answers in their own mind so they aren’t making things up as they go along. I recently heard from a husband who vowed that he was going to tell his wife everything on the upcoming weekend.

He said in part: “I’m going to tell her about the cheating because I believe if I’m the one who tells her, she’s going to be more likely to hear me out so that the fall out won’t be quite as bad. But, what types of questions should I expect? What is she going to want to know and how much should I tell her?”

I will try my best to answer these questions in the following article. I was the spouse who was cheated on, so I generally see things from that perspective. But I do dialog with a lot of people on the other side of the equation so I will try to give some balanced insight for people who truly want to do right by their spouse.

Expect Questions Along The Themes Of Why, How, And Who, Like:

1. Why did you cheat on me? How could you do this?;

2. What were you thinking?;

3. Who was this person you were cheating on me with? What did you see in them?; and

4. How did you get away with this? How did I not know?

Without a doubt, the first question that typically will pop up is “why?” They are going to want to know why you would cheat on and betray them. You have to expect this. Now, how strongly this all comes out usually depends upon whether they expected this or not (or if they had their own suspicions.) But even if they knew, they will still have plenty of questions and likely some outrage (and rightly so.)

They are also likely to ask about your thought process and what you were thinking. They want to know what types of thoughts could cause you to act this way and why you didn’t share these thoughts before you acted on them. One reason that this is very important to them is they’re trying to gauge whether the relationship is salvageable and what you are thinking right now in comparison to what you were thinking then.

They will also want to know who you cheated with. They want to know who else betrayed them and whether this was any one they know. They are also going to want to know what this other person looked like, how old they were, and just what you saw in this person that made you willing to cheat. (This does mean you should explain the other person’s physical attributes in glowing terms. Your spouse really doesn’t want to know how attractive you think the other person was.)

They also often want to know how you were able to pull this off. Because this information will help them to watch you more closely from now on. For example, if you cheated after work, then it’s a fair bet there’s going to be a very prompt request for you to change that and come straight home.

Finally, they will often want to know who else knows about the cheating. They are trying to determine who has kept your secrets and helped you carry this out. They want to know if you and the other person were the only ones who betrayed them or if there were more people involved.

Expect Questions That Ask About Your Feelings, Like:

1. How do you feel about me today?

2. How did you feel about me when you cheated?;

3. How did you feel about the other person? Did you love them? Do you miss them now? Do you want to see them again?; and

4. How do you feel about what happens next?

Sometimes after everything comes pouring out, the spouse who was cheated on will want nothing to do with you and they won’t care how you feel or who your feelings today are directed toward.

Usually though, once some time has passed, they’ll wonder how you feel about them right now, especially if those same feelings prompted you to tell the truth. This is particularly true if the two of you decide to save your marriage. Keep in mind that they are looking for your reassurance.

They are looking for you to say that although you made a mistake, your feelings for them didn’t really change. They are looking for you to say that you love them enough to make a go of it right now. They also want you to express words that let them know that you still find them attractive, that you still want them, and that you still value them.

I’m not saying that you should express these things if they aren’t true. (I doubt you would be reading this article if they weren’t.) But I am telling you that this is often what they are looking for even if their words, facial expressions, and behaviors aren’t necessarily saying this. Everyone wants to be validated. However it’s a good idea to respect their wishes if they tell you to back off.

Expect Questions Along The Lines Of What Happens Now, Like:

1. What is your plan now?;

2. How do you intend to show me I can trust you again?; and

3. How do you plan to prove that you and the marriage are rehabilitated? Are you willing to work tirelessly to make this right?

This is where many people make their biggest mistake. They will have very good intentions toward telling their spouse the truth. But, when they see their spouse’s reaction, they take this to mean that the spouse doesn’t want much from them at that point, so they back off. And then they wait.

They wait for their spouse to spell things out. Meanwhile, the spouse who was cheated on thinks the cheating spouse doesn’t care enough to come up with a plan going forward. Before you break this news, you need to know in your own mind what sort of recovery plan you intend to offer them. This can make a big difference as to how they react in the long term.

If you’re willing to get help or go to counseling, now would be the time to tell them that. If you intend to come straight home every day after work and include them in all of your activities so that they have no reason to worry, say that to. If you’re going to make them and your marriage your number one priority, that’s something you’ll want to say.

Expect That They’ll Want To Know Every Single Detail About The Cheating, Like:

1. How many times did you betray me?;

2. What did you do with the other person?;

3. Did you use protection?; and

4. Was the sex or relationship better than what you share with me?

People who have been cheated on often want to know everything. They want to know where you went and what you did. They want to know precisely how many times you betrayed them sexually (and exactly how you did it.) They might even ask if sex was better with the other person.

You have to be very careful how you respond. Your spouse does deserve answers and you should do your best to be honest to the extent that your answers allows your spouse to retain their self esteem and dignity. And they have the right to know if you used protection. But, on a personal level, you don’t want to tell your spouse that anything about the other person was better than anything about them.

You don’t want to allude to being happier or more excited while cheating. You want to paint this as a very big mistake that won’t happen again – which is why you’re talking about it and being open and honest right now.

I probably had a novel full of questions after my husband’s affair. He answered as best he could but after a while it became clear that I was obsessing over the details and this wasn’t helping. This was one thing we had to work through, and we eventually did. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I Am So Disappointed In My Husband After His Affair

I recently heard from a wife who told me that she was having  a very hard time getting over the disappointment in her husband after finding out about his affair.  She had been working hard to save her marriage, but she was having a hard time because it always came back to the shock of how badly the man she trusted most in the world had let her down.

She said in part:  “I am just so disappointed in my husband.  He has never been the type of man who I would’ve thought would cheat on me.  He’s always been rock solid, loyal, and faithful.  In fact, when I watched some of my friends struggle when their husband’s cheated and had affairs, I always thought: ‘thank God this is something that I’ll never have to handle with my own husband.  How naive I was!  It just floors me to learn that my husband is like every other man.  I still love him. I want to save my marriage, but I just can’t get past my disappointment.”

This is a very common complaint.  And while it’s unlikely that the disappointment is every going to completely disappear, there are some ways for you to deal with it, so that it doesn’t become a main theme within your marriage.

Both You And Your Husband Already Know How Disappointed You Are.  Once It’s Known, It’s Time To Work Past It:  I know that there’s a real temptation to keep telling him how he’s let your down.  But the thing is, he already knows this.   He’s heard you say it and he can likely literally see it in your eyes.  So continuing to dwell on it or put more stress on it, isn’t likely to do you any real good.

If you find that these feelings keep coming up, it’s better to journal about them or voice them to some ojective third party.  You have to get them out and release them, but if you keep on voicing the same theme over and over, it tends to become your reality or an insurmountable problem rather than something you are committed to working through.

Understand That You Can Chose To Give Your Husband The Chance To Overcome Your Disappointment:  I’m not going to sit here and tell you that one day you will wake up no longer hurt, angry, or disappointed in his choice.  It’s probably not realistic to say that you will ever be OK with him having an affair. Nor should you be.

But, what’s done is done.  The choice now is how you move forward and what you want to happen now.  Yes, it’s hard to live with these feelings that he has let you down.  But the way past that (if you chose this route), is to give him an opportunity to prove to you that he will make this up to you, and once he does, that he will never disappoint you again.

By no means am I defending men who cheat.  This is a situation that I’ve dealt with and I’d never defend it.  However, every one makes mistakes in their marriage.  Yes, this is a big one.  But if he is willing to make things right again, it’s likely in your best interest to focus on this rather than your disappointment. And, the wife admitted that prior to the affair, he was a good, loyal, and compassionate husband.  One act should not negate all the good things he had done.

Trying to think of the good when weighing the disappointment is going to give you the best chance to start feeling better rather than continuing to feel worse. Sometimes, we forget the whole point of the work we do after the affair. It isn’t the keep churning up how we were wronged, how disappointed we are, and how he’s let us down – because those things just keep us stuck.

It really is truly to move forward a little bit each day so that, after the shortest period of time possible, we are no longer so wounded by this that it’s all we think about.

You have a right to be disappointed.  But, are these the feelings that you want to continue to feel moving forward?  I know it’s hard to derail these types of thoughts but you have to try your best to do so because this is the kind of thing that can cloud the whole process. 

I know he has let you down.  There’s no denying it.  But there’s probably times when he has really come through for you also.  And there’s every chance that if you repair and strengthen your marriage, this will one day be one of those things that was a blip in your marriage that you worked through. So that you can again focus on the good he has done rather than the one time he let you down.

I’m not saying that you should immediately let him off the hook or to just tell yourself not to be disappointed anymore.  I’m just suggesting that you accept whatever feelings come, process them, and then work on moving past them so that your goal is feelings that make you feel better rather than worse. 

I can’t tell you how disappointed I was in my husband after he had an affair.  This was one of the main emotions I felt for a long, long time.  But one day I decided that I was so tired of feeling bad all the time.  And I learned to place my focus on feeling better one day at a time.  Our marriage today is actually better than it was before the affair.  I no longer worry he will cheat again.  If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Welcome

Thanks for visiting my site.  I hope you find something helpful here.   There’s a search box on the right as well as recent posts.  You can also visit my “surviving the affair” site at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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What If I Caused My Husband’s Affair?

by: katie lersch: I recently heard from a wife who confided at me that although she was devastated and gravely disappointed in her husband for having an affair, she felt the need to take on some of the responsibility. She said, in part: “I’m furious at him, but I’m also mad at myself. I feel like I have some responsibility in this. In fact, on some level, I feel like I caused his affair. I haven’t been paying attention to him, myself, and our marriage for some time. I’ve been neglectful and preoccupied. And, I’m so angry at myself for letting this happen.”

Believe it or not, this sort of perspective is not at all uncommon. Whether they are able to verbalize it or not, many women feel at least partly responsible or to blame for their husband’s cheating. They think that they didn’t give him enough attention or that they weren’t adventurous or nurturing or alluring enough. I do understand these thoughts because I had them myself. However, this sort of thinking can be a dangerous thing. The key is using it to make improvements and to build yourself up rather than allowing the thoughts driving you to bring you down and cause you even more pain. I will discuss this more in the following article.

No Matter What You Did Or Didn’t Do, You Did Not Cause His Affair. Only He Could Make That Decision: Women will often say things like “I think I drove him to the affair. Because I was angry with him over some issues, I withdrew from him physically. I was sarcastic and mean. I could not have been a pleasure to live with. In a sense, you can’t blame him for going somewhere else for affection and attention.”

I can understand this thinking. But, I also feel the need to point out what has become obvious to me, although it might not be obvious to you because you are so close to the situation. Yes, you could have fallen short in some areas. But no one is perfect. He probably fell short in some areas too. However, he likely had other options available. He could have discussed this with you. He could have directly told you that he felt that he and the marriage was vulnerable. He could have sought counseling. In short, nothing other than his own decision making process resulted in him having an affair.

Yes, a marriage and it’s health is the result of the actions of both people who are living within it. But, it’s not fair to take the blame for a decision that you did not make. And, to look at it from another way, if it were you who cheated, do you think that he would share the blame? I’m bringing up these points not to point blame or fault onto anyone. My main concern is allowing you to see that his decision is not directly your fault and that taking the blame on yourself could well thwart your progress. Recovering from your spouse having an affair is challenging enough. You don’t need to take on burdens that aren’t yours. You likely have enough to deal with without adding yet one more thing onto your shoulders.

Rather Than Allowing The Guilt To Make You Doubt Yourself, Use This As A Spring Board To Make Positive Change: I know that my words are not likely to change what you believe deep in your heart. It’s not me who is going to convince you that you’re not to blame. Only you can do that. But, if you take nothing else from this article, please at least consider allowing these thoughts to propel you forward rather than allowing them to hold you back.

Often, when we take on this blame, we allow for this to make us feel badly about ourselves. This serves no purpose, especially right now. At this time, the best thing that you can do is to use this very negative and painful experience as a spring board to bring about positive and meaningful changes in your life. In know that it probably doesn’t feel like it right now, but this really can be a time where you can reject what has not been working for you and embrace what will allow for you to move forward in a healthy way.

This may include your marriage and it may not. This is an individual choice. But, an affair really can be a wake up call that allows you to see where your marriage was and is vulnerable. This awareness can allow you to make some changes that effect your future happiness and confidence. Even if you’re not sure that you want to remain married, you can take these lessons and use them to propel you forward on an individual basis. There are always lessons to learn and places where you can improve. But make sure that you use this process as one of growth rather than as a way to blame and punish yourself.

I truly do understand why and how your mind goes to these dark places. But, in order for you to regain your life and your happiness, you will eventually need to change and to stop this cycle. There is no need to dwell on who and what is to blame. The past is in the past. Now is the time to learn what you can from this process, to make the improvements and reassurances that are needed, and to move on in a meaningful way rather then dwelling in the past and carrying around all of the pain that it has caused you.

There was a time when I thought I would never get over my husband’s affair. I was also pretty fond of blaming myself, but this is in the past. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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My Husband Admitted To Having An Affair, But He’s Not Ending It

by: katie lersch: I recently heard from a wife who was quite conflicted and confused. Her husband had come to her and admitted he was having an affair. He did this on his own. She didn’t suspect him and didn’t have the knowledge to confront him. Seemingly out of the clear blue, he sat her down and told her that he had an ongoing relationship with a coworker. He expressed deep remorse for this. He apologized profusely. He told his wife that he still loved her and their children. He insisted that he took full responsibility for his actions and insisted that, at some point in the future, he wanted to make their marriage work.

However, he seemed very unwilling and reluctant to end the affair. He admitted to the wife that he had “real and conflicted feelings” for the other woman and he felt that he just “had to see the relationship through and see where it went.” This floored the wife. She told me: “Essentially, he’s saying that he wants a relationship with both us. I just can’t believe this. How can he expect for me to try to work things out with him when he’s still carrying on with her? He has to make a choice because I can’t even deal with him unless she is completely out of the picture.”

Her position was completely understandable. Learning about a husband’s affair is bad enough. There are enough troublesome issues that come hand and hand with this. But, knowing that the other person is still in the picture makes it nearly impossible. The wife wanted to know if I felt that she should confront the other woman and tell her to back off. I felt that it was better to try to interact with the husband on this issue, which I’ll discuss more in the following article.

In My Opinion, Admitting And Taking Responsibility For The Affair Should Also Mean Making A Choice About Ending It: The husband was continuing to insist that the affair was all his fault and that he took full responsibility for it. But, he seemed to draw the line at choosing between the wife and the other woman and this was most certainly not fair to the wife. Sure, the husband was insisting that he eventually wanted to save the marriage, but his actions were not indicating the same. His actions were indicating that he wanted to hold on to both relationships until he decided which one was most important to him. In essence, his actions were saying that neither relationship was important enough to him to be exclusive.

These were extremely painful concepts for the wife. Because she very much wanted to save the marriage for the sake of her family. She was not ready to close the book on her married life. There was too much history, and, before the husband had made this huge mistake, they were presumably very happy.

But, the situation as it was now was completely unacceptable. It wasn’t even approaching before fair and repairing the marriage with three people in the picture was not at all likely. I felt that the wife needed to make it very clear that she would not participate in this situation. Of course, she was reluctant to do this. She felt that if she were too assertive, she would be pushing the husband further into the relationship with the other woman. But, what she did not consider is that the husband was already invested enough in this relationship that he was refusing to end it. And, he was putting her in an impossible position where she was being portrayed as second best. Most likely, this reality was not in her best interest.

Making Your Husband See That Being Responsible Means Making A Decision About The Other Woman: I felt strongly that the wife needed to be very assertive and direct. Perceptions were so important at this point and right now, the perception was likely that it was acceptable to treat the wife and the marriage as second best or as something that he could just return to if and when he wanted.

I felt that it might be advantageous to the wife if she sat the husband down and said something like “I know that you say that your sorry about and are taking responsibility for the cheating. But, ultimately, being responsible means bringing this to a prompt conclusion. I can not be in a marriage that involves three people. You’ve indicated that you want to continue on with your relationship with her. That may be so, but I can’t continue our relationship as it is right now while you are doing that. If you insist on taking time and space, then go ahead and do that, but I have to look at what is in my own best interest. When you are ready to go forward with our marriage being only the two of us, then we can take about that. Until then though, I’m going to be working on myself as an individual and focusing on our family.”

I was not asking the wife to file for divorce or to end her marriage. I rarely advocate that and I feel that most marriages can be saved after infidelity. But, allowing the husband to maintain a relationship with both women almost never works. Setting boundaries would at least put this wife in a more favorable position in the long run. In the meantime, I felt strongly the wife should focus on her support system, her family, and rebuilding her self esteem. She could not control the husband’s actions and behaviors, but she had complete control over her own.

There was a time when I thought I would never get over my husband’s affair. I truly had to learn to be more assertive, to set boundaries, and to ask for what I want. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/  I hope something there or here helps you.  On the side bar of this blog, there’s information about some free resources, in particular Dr. Huizenga’s free e course.

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Should I Tell My Family About My Spouse’s Affair?

I often hear from spouses (usually wives) who aren’t sure if they should tell their family about their spouse’s affair or cheating.  Many times, they would really like their family’s support.  But, in the case of many wives, they’re also worried that their family will think differently about their spouse and this may be a concern if they later want to save their marriage.

Other times, they’re just ashamed and embarrassed and they don’t want anyone to know.  I often hear comments like “I don’t know if I should tell my mother about my husband’s affair.  She loathes my uncle because he cheated on my aunt. So I know that if she finds out, she will never forgive my husband and will always bring it up and will never let me forget it or him live it down.  But she knows something is wrong between us and she has questions.  Should I tell her?”

Another example is something like: “My children know that there’s something serious going down between my husband and I.  They know that I’ve asked him to leave but they don’t know why and they are angry with me.  Should I tell them that he had an affair so they’ll know I was justified?”

I actually have a definite opinion on this and I will share it with you below.  I do understand wanting to include your family because you want the support of people who love you and you want to be able to unload somewhere.

Why I Think You Should Be Very Careful About Telling Your Family About Your Spouse’s Affair:  I have seen this situation go badly many times.  Usually what happens is that, because the wife is furious about the affair, she will tell people in her family because she wants someone to support her and share in her anger.  Who better than your family who is close to you?

And in the beginning, this can feel good and right.  You can feel a lot of justification when your family shares in your outrage.  But later, you might begin to cool off a little.  Or maybe you don’t want to dwell on it as much anymore since you’re trying to heal and move forward. But what happens if your family member won’t let it go? Or continues to question your reasoning if you are trying to move past this?

This is something that you just don’t need.  Also, many times the family member has dealt with infidelity or disappointments themselves and will (usually unintentionally) thwart your efforts to move forward.  Even though they mean well, they might give you comments like “all men cheat and are scum” or “people always disappoint you” or other things that don’t really help you in the long term.

What kind of reaction you get from your family often depends upon the person involved.  I recently heard from someone who told me that she chose to tell her sister about her husband’s affair because she knew her sister was a very supportive and non judgmental person who could be very objective and not hold it against her husband should the wife chose to save the marriage.

Some family members are like this, but I find this to be the exception rather than the rule.  If you have a family member like this, you’re very lucky.  Of course, all family members have the reaction that they do out of love for you.  There is nothing wrong with this.  But it can become a problem when their love for you turns into hatred for your spouse, especially if you eventually want to work things out.

I always find it best to tell someone who is YOUR friend not your spouse’s friend and who is rarely around your spouse.  Discreet coworkers can work wonderfully for this.  A therapist is ideal.

Should You Tell Your Children About Your Spouse’s Affair?:  I know that this is a real concern.  I have children also.  They had questions. They had eyes and ears.   It can be so tempting to tell them sometimes so that they understand all of the changes that they are seeing.  But I feel that this is always a bad idea.  Your marriage is between you and your spouse.  This is not a topic for children – even older ones. 

And this is their father.  Their relationship with their parents should be sacred and not affected by your marriage.  He or may not always be your husband.  But he will always be their father.  Your marriage should not affect how they feel about one of their parents.  There’s really no valid reason to let this affect your children.  They don’t need to take on this problem.  And, if you do get through this and save your marriage, you’ll likely be glad you didn’t include family members.

If they are curious, it’s best just to tell them that you and their father are trying to work through some issues but that you BOTH love them very much and that you don’t want for them to worry because this is an issue between the two of you that has nothing to do with them and you are trying hard to work it out.

In my case, I chose to tell one family member about my husband’s affair.  In the end, the family member made my moving on more difficult, until I had a very frank discussion and asked them to stop.   I’d like to save you this trouble if I can.  I know this is only one of the hard decisions you have to make right now.  But it will get better.  My marriage did heal from the affair. If you like, you can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com  Also, if you want an expert’s take (which I’m certainly not) on this, you can sign up for Dr. Bob’s free e course (information is on the right side of this blog.)

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