I Feel So Ugly After My Husband Cheated And Had An Affair

I can’t tell you how often I hear this phrase from women.  I felt it myself so I know how it call feel.  So many times, women suffer a serious blow to their self esteem and to the way they feel about themselves when their husbands cheated or had an affair.

Sometimes, they compare themselves to the other woman who may be younger (or who may be, at least in the wive’s eyes, prettier.  Please don’t make these comparisons that only make you feel worse about this whole situation.  The thing is, you are the same beautiful woman that you were before you found out about his cheating and his affair. 

Please don’t let this one external event (that has nothing to do with beauty or looks) to affect how you feel about yourself.  You have not physically changed.  And, frankly, his cheating usually has more to do with how he feels about himself than with how he feels about you.  In the following article, I’m going to tell you why and I’m going to try to make you see that you most certainly are not ugly.

A Husband’s Affair Very Seldom Has Anything To Do With How His Wife Looks (Or Even How He Feels About Her:)  If men only cheat on women who are “ugly” or unattractive, then why did gorgeous women like Halle Barry, Jennifer Aniston, or Elizabeth Hurley have to deal with cheating spouses or partners? It doesn’t make sense.

No, a man’s cheating often has to do with the fact that he himself feels ugly or lacking in some way.  It is no coincidence that men often have affairs when they are also having personal struggles.  This is all about them – not all about you.  Don’t let something that stems from a flaw within them allow you to think that the flaw is within you.

His Infidelity Was Not Your Fault. You Don’t Deserve To Fell Ugly. Make No Apologies For Rebuilding Your Self Esteem:  Once you understand that the affair is not your fault, then it’s time to leave no stone unturned until you restore your self esteem.  Make no apologies for doing what you need to do to feel better about yourself, who you are, or the way that you look.

When I was going through this, I thought it was silly to get a make over and do all of those things.  But once I let some friends talk me into this, I did feel better.  Eventually, I built upon these good feelings and I went back to school, lost a little weight, and changed my appearance a bit so that I felt better about myself.

But ultimately, I like to believe that I did these things for me, not for him.  And honestly, until I felt better about myself, I wasn’t going to heal properly or believe his good intentions or anything that he was saying.

Just for today, give yourself permission to do something nice for yourself so that you feel a little better.  You are not ugly.  This was an ugly thing that happened to you, but it has nothing to do with your appearance.  Your husband did not think you were ugly when he married you and he likely doesn’t think that now.  Feeling better about yourself is the first step toward healing.  Do what you need to do to restore your confidence and feel some relief.

You can read more about my journey on my blog at Surviving The Affair (http://surviving-the-affair.com/) if you want more support.  I also really like and am affiliated with the work of Dr. Robert Huizenga because he repeatedly reassures you that there’s nothing wrong with you.  He has a great free e course and recording on this you can see here.

The same holds true for “Her Secrets” but this is to restore sexual confidence only when you are ready.

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I’m So Depressed After My Husband’s Affair

by: katie lersch: I often hear from wives who are struggling in a variety of ways after finding out that their husband had an affair or has cheated on them. Some of the concerns expressed are things like: “Some days, I don’t even want to get out of bed or take a shower. I know that I’ve really let myself go and I know that this is making everything worse. I’m honestly worried that I’ve become clinically depressed because it just seems as though all of the joy that I once had has been taken from me. I’m not interested in anyone or anything. I’m just going through the motions and I don’t know how to stop. What do I do?”

Often, women will confess to me that they worry that something is wrong with them for feeling this way, but nothing is further from the truth. I hear these types of concerns so often that it’s almost noteworthy when I don’t hear them. There is nothing wrong with you if you are going through this. What you’re feeling is completely normal and natural. I’ve felt these things too and I know just how difficult it can be to decide where to begin to turn this around.

I often hear people (and many times these people are husbands) say things like: “it’s almost as if she wants to be miserable or to wallow around in these negative feelings. Why can’t she just move on and get over this?” People who ask these questions have likely never been on the receiving end of a husband who’s had an affair. The wives in this situation don’t enjoy feeling this way. They certainly wish that they weren’t dealing with this. But, it’s very easy to be overcome with strong emotional feelings and to develop a real sense of hopelessness. It’s very frustrating to have to deal with something over which you really had no control.

Still, no one deserves to repeatedly have to live this way. I’m living proof that you can move on and overcome this so that your life is fulfilling and happy again. I will discuss this more in the following article.

After Your Husband’s Affair, Try Very Hard Not To Take On The Role Of The Victim: This is such a vulnerable place to be, but most of us end up here simply because we have no choice but to react to a set of circumstances which we ourselves did not put into motion. Two people outside of ourselves chose their own actions, but yet it’s us who is paying the price for those actions and it’s absolutely not fair.

I do completely understand and sympathize with this. I also understand why it’s so easy to fall into the pattern of feeling victimized. But, it’s also important to understand that allowing this to happen only hurts you more and prolongs your pain. It also changes the way that you feel about yourself and undermines your self esteem and self confidence. I believe that you must fight these things every step of the way.

Admittedly, you can not control what happened. You can’t undo their actions. And, you don’t have complete control over the way that you feel. But you do have control over your own actions. And you can most certainly question and derail your thought process. If you are going down a dark road, only you have the direct ability to step off the trail. At the end of the day, you have to decide to love yourself more than you’re decided to experience and react to the hurt. Right now, you’re the most important person you have in your life. You have to take care of and safeguard your own well being with the same ferocity that you approach safeguarding your children or your best friend.

Make Sure That You Are Doing The Things (And Seeing The People) Who Make You Feel Better Rather Than Worse: They say that misery loves company and sometimes that can be true in this situation. It was my experience that “friends” who were grappling with their own infidelity or self esteem issues could easily hone in on what I was going through and seemed to enjoy sharing in my misery. This can offer some validation at first, but it’s very easy to dwell here and doing so really does nothing to help you move forward to regain your happiness.

Be careful of those well meaning folks who are more than willing to offer “advise” which focuses on the negative. Steer clear of those people who love to tell you that men will always cheat or that “women like us” just can’t keep a man. You don’t need anyone else capitalizing on the fears and doubts that you are already trying to banish from your head. Even if you chose not to tell many people about the affair (and this can be a good idea sometimes,) you can still surround yourself with upbeat people who lift you up rather than to tear you down.

And, be sure to continue to participate and surround yourself with the things and activities that bring you joy and peace. There is nothing wrong with taking superb care of yourself right now and being a little “selfish.” Always ask yourself if your actions are bringing you up or are bringing you down. Brushing your hair and putting on lipstick may not seem like much on the surface, but maintaining these habits can be so important in this situation. If you can begin to feel good about yourself, then eventually, you will feel better about your situation.

There Is No Shame In Getting Some Help If You Need It: Let me put it this way. I strongly believe that a husband’s affair should not be a life sentence for a wife. In my opinion, it’s an emotional crime to allow for someone else’s actions to derail your life in the long term. Intellectually, we know this. But emotionally, we can struggle. If you can’t seem to get over the hump and find your way to your previous, fulfilling life, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting some help. You deserve to be happy. And you deserve whatever it takes to ensure that this happens.

Surviving The Affair is a blog I put together to share a personal story. I know that this is a very difficult time, but working through it can truly be worth the effort. There are times when you will need to set boundaries though. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can check it out at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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Can Your Husband’s Affair Or Cheating Be A Wake Up Call? Why I Think It Can

I recently heard from a wife who had really been struggling to deal with her life and her marriage after her husband’s affair.  She had been talking to a trusted friend about the situation and the friend was trying her best to cheer her wife up.  The friend told the wife that an affair didn’t have to mean the end of her marriage.  In fact, the friend said, an affair can be useful if you use it as “a wake up call” to draw your attention to what is wrong with your marriage and then fix it.

The wife didn’t really buy this.  She asked me “is it true that your husband’s affair can be a wake up call that can eventually make your life or your marriage better?  Because this just seems like a cliche to me which I’m not sure is even true in real life.”

Actually, I believe this to be absolutely true.  I saw this first hand in my own life and in my own marriage.  The thing is, most people are not willing to use the affair as a wake up call because doing so is painful.  Doing so usually means that you have to do some painful looking in the mirror and some painful analysis (or at least to take an honest look) at yourself and at your marriage. 

After that, it means that you have to take what you learned and take action to invite real chance.  This is a lot to ask when you are already reeling from the affair and just trying to survive and get through every day as it comes, but I am confident you can do it.

How To Use Your Husband’s Affair As A Wake Up Call:  As I alluded to before, allowing this process to work requires a lot of self awareness and deliberation.  And this can be difficult when you are also dealing with the pain.

But, in order to make something good come out of the affair, you often have to be absolutely determined to do so.  You have to make a commitment that you are going to allow this to be a process from which you learn and make positive changes.  After all, it makes a lot of sense to try to turn this into something positive if you can.

I would never tell you or try to make you think that your husband having an affair is a good thing. It’s not.  However, out of the pain can come some learning, some self awareness, and some improvements that actually make your life and your marriage better.

But, in order for that to happen, you have to take a hard look at what was wrong with your marriage.  Many wives will try this and think that they had a really good marriage.  And, this might very well be true.   Sometimes, a husband’s affair has more to do with what’s wrong with him than what is wrong with you or even your marriage.

But this doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from this.  But the wake up call will usually force you to realize that you can’t take your marriage for granted.  It makes you realize that both you and your husband need to learn to check in and communicate with each other if either of you are struggling so that you prevent these kinds of events from happening in your marriage.

Even though the affair is never the wife’s fault (at least in my opinion,) there is always something that she can learn and take from it.  I’ll use myself as an example.   When my husband had an affair, I was sort of just going through the motions in my own life and marriage.  Frankly, I still think our marriage was a darn good one, but there were certainly times when I took my husband and our marriage for granted.

There were times when I was too tired to connect and too focused on our kids.  There were also plenty of times when I put myself on the back burner.  My own actions and attitude was kind of saying to my own family that I didn’t matter.

I got so caught up in the role of stay at home mom that I was constantly worried about every one else’s happiness and not my own.   This allowed my own family to take me for granted just like I was doing with them.  I think this sense of complacency lead (at least in part) to the affair.

And one thing I learned from all of this is that I am responsible for my own happiness.  I’m only going to have one life and one marriage and I need to make both of them as strong and as enjoyable as I possibly can.  The affair made me reevaluate my life.  It made me ask myself what I really wanted and what would really make me happy.  In the end, a made a lot of changes in my life for the better.  And I am grateful for this.

So yes, my husband’s affair was a huge wake up call for me. It wasn’t always fun to be “woken up.”  But I can look back now and see that the changes were needed and they actually made my life and my marriage better.  

Do I wish the affair had never happened?  I absolutely do.  If I could turn back time and change the whole thing, of course I would.  But I can’t do that.  What I can do is to try to take something from this and learn from it.  Too bad it took me so long to realize this.  But I can save you the trouble by telling you that if you just accept that the affair might be a wake up call for you, at least in some ways, you’ll  avoid a lot of resistance and potential pain.

I guess the fairest thing to say is that my husband’s affair eventually became a wake up call once I committed to turning a negative into a positive.  You can read about my journey towards healing at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I Feel So Unattractive Since My Husband Cheated And Had An Affair

by: katie lersch: I often hear from wives who are really struggling with their self esteem after their husband had an affair. I usually hear comments like: “I don’t think my husband finds me attractive anymore, but things have been even worse after his affair.” Or “I feel like my husband doesn’t desire me anymore. He looks at me as if I’m something that’s distasteful.” Another common comment is: “I feel like he’s turned off by me and that’s why the affair happened in the first place.”

Comments like these are upsetting to me, but are unfortunately something I hear a lot and have felt myself. It’s hard enough dealing with the fact that your husband betrayed you by having an affair. But you shouldn’t have to take a blow to your self esteem as well. When you worry that you’re not good enough, this can very much impact your healing and your ability to recover. Not only that, but a lack of confidence and self doubt can very much sabotage your ability to fix or save your marriage. So, in the following article, I’ll offer some tips and insights on how to feel attractive to both yourself and your husband once again.

Don’t Assume That The Affair Happened Because Your Husband No Longer Found You Attractive: This is an assumption that many wives will immediately jump to. It’s so easy to blame and to doubt ourselves. Here’s what I really want you to understand. Affairs very often have a lot to do with your husband’s own self doubts about his own attractiveness and desirability.

I talk with husbands in this situation quite often. It’s fairly obvious to me that often, it’s their feelings about themselves that contribute most to the affair. Their feelings about you might come into play, but usually, they will craft the perceived feelings only as a means to justify their behavior (since no one wants to think about the places where they themselves are lacking.)

So he may tell himself (and even you) that this is about you or the marriage, but in fact it is about him. I want you to understand this because I don’t want for you to blame yourself. Just look at the countless beautiful and famous women who have quite publicly had to deal with their husband’s affair. They most certainly are not unattractive. Some of them are the most beautiful women in the world. And much of the time, the woman that their husband cheats with is no where near as attractive as they are. (In fact, sometimes the other woman is quite hideous.) It really doesn’t have everything to do with your appearance or the level of your (or even the other woman’s) attractiveness. It has to do with how attractive he perceives himself to be.

There’s Nothing Wrong With Doing Whatever You Need To Do So That You Perceive Yourself As Attractive: Women often tell me that they are considering drastic changes to their appearance after their husband’s affair. Many diet. Many get new wardrobes. Some will change their clothing and their hair. If these things make you feel better about yourself or your situation, then there is nothing wrong with this.

The advice that I usually give is that as long as it’s not anything dangerous or drastic, there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel better. But, I usually caution women to make sure that they are making the changes for themselves, and not for someone else. If you change for someone else, then it’s possible that when you look at the changes, you continue to see and feel doubt.

In my own case, I did lose some weight. But probably the thing that gave me the most positive impact was finally fixing my teeth (which had always bothered me and had been an issue long before the affair.) I also went back to school so that I would know that any actions I took and any decisions I made were not based on the fact that I was dependent on my husband.

Self Confidence After A Husband’s Affair Is Important On So Many Levels. You Must Focus On Maintaining It Or On Getting It Back If You’ve Lost It: Sometimes, women worry that they are being self centered or selfish if they focus on themselves. Some worry that their husband will think they are considering cheating on him as some sort of pay back. I encourage women to make no apologies for focusing on themselves, especially after your husband had an affair. If you don’t do this for yourself, you run the real risk of not having your needs met because no one is going to do it for you.

Sometimes, wives admit to me that they worry that restoring their self confidence will cause even more problems in their marriage. My observation is that the opposite is true. If you present and see yourself as someone who is not good enough or who is less than someone else, this affects your relationships, the way that you are perceived, and your expectations. I have seen and experienced the self doubt eroding the good left in the relationship. You often can’t believe that your husband still wants to be with your or still wants to save the marriage if you see yourself as less than desirable or attractive.

Recovering after an affair is hard enough without throwing self doubt into the mix. It’s my experience that restoring your self esteem is a necessary step that many women neglect because they think that it’s selfish. It really isn’t. And if you skip it, you will likely see negative connotations from this coming out in many areas of your life. You deserve happiness and peace. You deserve to know that you are good enough and that he is very lucky to have you. It’s not selfish to make sure this happens. It’s smart.

I struggled greatly with restoring my self esteem after my husband’s affair, but eventually, I came to know that it was necessary. And it helped. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Are Husbands Sorry For Their Infidelities?

I often hear from women who are trying to determine just how sorry their husband is for cheating or committing infidelities.  I often hear comments like:

“I caught my husband cheating and he’s falling all over himself to say that he’s so sorry but I don’t know if I believe him or if I can even trust what he is saying;”

Or “my husband sat me down and told me that he wanted me to know how desperately sorry he was for his infidelity.  But if that’s true, why has he cheated on me more than once?”

Another example is “if my husband is oh so sorry for cheating on me and having an affair, then why did he do it in the first place.  It’s not good enough to say that you’re sorry after the fact.  There’s no taking back what he did.  Sorry doesn’t even begin to make up for him betraying me.”

I understand these concerns as they were precisely the ones that I had.  Hearing he’s sorry after the fact does very little to ease to pain at the time.  It’s too little too late frankly.  But, aside from this – are men really sorry for infidelity?  How do they really feel?  I’ll tell you my take on this in the following article.

Many Husbands REALLY Are Completely Sorry After Infidelity: I have to say that because I write about this topic, I sometimes have men contact me on my blog and ask me how they can convince their wives how sorry they really are or how they can say the right words or do the right things to get across how deeply remorseful they are.

To be fair, that blog is about surviving an affair and saving your marriage, so it’s probably not all that likely that I’m going to hearing from the indignant guys who don’t feel as though they’ve done anything wrong.  These guys most certainly exist, if my email from wives is any indication, but I don’t often hear from them so I wouldn’t even attempt to speak for them or report on how they feel.

But I can tell you about the men I hear from who truly are sorry.  I can also tell you that, unfortunately many don’t think very deeply about their actions until it is too late.  Although some men feel horribly guilty and just awfully remorseful while the cheating or the affair is happening, many don’t feel the entire brunt of this until after you have found out about it.

They see your reaction and your hurt and the reality of just what they have done comes crashing down.  I am not saying this to defend them.  They are completely responsible for their own actions and their own choices.  However, I do want for you to know that they aren’t always lying or trying to get on your good side when they tell you how very sorry they are.

Here are some comments that I commonly hear from husbands that demonstrate how sorry they truly are.  (You may have already heard some variation of these from your husband, but it might help to know that many husbands are repeating the same things to someone who doesn’t know them or their wives.)

They often say things like “how do I convince my wife how sorry I am for my one mistake?  If she would just listen to me and give me one more chance I would make this up to her for the rest of my life.”

Another example is: “”my wife must think I’m a heartless monster.  She doesn’t believe I’m sorry for a one time infidelity.  It will never ever happen again and I don’t know what I was thinking.  But I won’t ever get the chance to prove this to her because she now thinks I’m the most awful person in the world.”

Look At His Actions But Also Listen To His Words:  Most people believe that the more a person cheats, the less likely he is to truly be sorry because he is repeating his behaviors.  I tend to believe this also, but I don’t believe that repeat cheaters can never ever be rehabilitated.

However, I do tend to believe in the genuine sorrow of the one time offenders more.  And I have seen many of them return to their marriages (if their wife decides to let them back in)  and make a very good, loyal and faithful husband because they have learned their lesson.

If your husband falls within this category, you’ll often hear him repeating the same apologies because he’s trying to convince you that he is sincere.  He may or may not explain why he did what he did.  He may not understand it himself and usually, he will not want to dwell on the details (which is sometimes  a mistake on his part, especially if you need to know.)

Usually, his sorrow is the thing he most wants for you to know or believe so this is what he stresses the most.  It’s up to you to decide whether you believe he’s truly sorry or not.  But usually, this is a call that you’ll make while observing his behaviors and actions in the days and weeks to come.  If he’s truly sorry he will work with you to heal you and the marriage.  If he’s truly sorry for his infidelity, he will make you and your marriage the priority.

He’ll focus on being home with you and rebuilding  the trust.  He’ll stop the suspicious behaviors to show you that he has nothing to hide.  Now, sometimes you will have to call him on these things or spell out that you expect them.  But once you are both clear on what you want and need, a man who is really sorry will try to provide them to the best of his ability.

I had a hard time believing that my husband was truly sorry for his infidelity, but over time, he proved this to me.  I’m glad I hung in there because our marriage is actually stronger.  You can read more about how we healed our marriage on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Can Taking Revenge After The Affair Restore My Self Esteem

I recently heard from a wife who was struggling with her self esteem after her husband’s affair.  The husband had cheated with a woman who was much younger.  After much time had passed and after much consideration, the couple decided to stay together.  The husband seemed committed, remorseful, and willing to work with the wife toward saving the marriage.  He admitted that cheating was a huge mistake and he asked for forgiveness.  The wife wanted to forgive.  She wanted to move on.  But she was still filled with doubt.

She told me that she felt a lot of her issues and her inability to move on stemmed A LOT with her lack of self esteem since the affair.  She just could not stop comparing herself to the younger woman.  She admitted that she had looked this woman up, checked her out on facebook, and even went by her house and had watched her from across the street.  She knew that this obsession with the other woman (and comparing herself to her) was just not healthy but she couldn’t seem to stop.

But she just didn’t know how to get any closure on this.  And the longer this went on, the more it increased the wife’s self doubt and lowered her self esteem.  She admitted to me that she felt like a helpless victim and this just continued to make her feel worse.  So, she wanted to be proactive and she wanted to do something to restore her self esteem and make her feel better about herself, her husband, and her marriage.

She asked me in part “can taking revenge on either the other woman or my husband after the affair help to restore my self esteem?  Would it give me any closure or make me feel better? I feel like if I could show them that I wasn’t going to just sit back and take this I might feel better about myself.”

Oh, do I understand this sentiment.  And frankly, any one who feels this way has a very valid reason to do so.  You are being affected by the bad judgment of two people who have hurt you.  So, it’s very natural to want revenge and many people suspect that it might just make them feel better about their situation and about themselves.

But it’s my experience that actually, despite how good you think this might feel, it truly doesn’t help as much as you had hoped.  I know it feels like it might and I know that it feels so very tempting, but really, it only makes you feel more out of control.  And it just keeps the drama and the bad feelings going.

Hurting them isn’t likely to take your own hurt away.  Only time and hard work is going to do that.  And in this instance, the wife truly did want to save her marriage and get back together with her husband.  Taking revenge on him was just going to make things worse and make this less likely to happen.

What Is Your Best Revenge After The Affair? What Will Make You Feel Better?:  Let’s think about this for a second.  Why, exactly do you want revenge?  There’s probably a couple of reasons as follows:

taking revenge might help you feel better and give you a sense of relief;

it might show all of the people involved that you aren’t just going to take this;

and it might cause them some of the hurt and pain that you have been going through. 

But, what is the likelihood that your taking revenge is going to actually accomplish these goals within the long term?  Actually, many “other women” really enjoy seeing the wife so out of control and reacting strongly because they know that they’ve really gotten under her skin and upset her.

This is actually giving her more power rather than less power, which should be your goal.  And honestly, revenge doesn’t often hurt the people involved as much as you hope that it might. (In fact, it can backfire and hurt you.)

Frankly, if you want to “show them,” the best way to do that is to often return to a place of happiness.  Frankly, many mistresses or “the other woman” often is happiest when you are the most miserable.  Your happiness is not what she wants.

And if one of your main goals is to restore your own self esteem, frankly there is no better way to do that than to ensure your own happiness.  I understand that it is hard to feel good about yourself when your husband has an affair with another woman (and a younger one at that.)  But you can restore your self esteem with some concentrated effort. 

It may take a while and it may be work, but it can be done.  You are still the wonderful person you were before this external event happened.  It was not your fault and it’s not your responsibility.  But you can take control of your own happiness.  You can rise up, hold your head high, and know that none of this was your own doing.  You can reaffirm that you are a beautiful, capable and vibrant woman who won’t be brought down or made to feel bad about herself because of someone else’s actions.

Frankly, the best revenge that you can ever take on anyone who has wronged you is living well.  Yes, Ivanna Trump was right.  You may or may not chose to take your husband back or to save your marriage.  But your self esteem, self worth and happiness is yours to keep.  No one should be able to take that away from you.  Don’t stoop to negative behaviors that put on the same level as “the other woman.”  Take the high road and focus on your major strength- yourself.   Making yourself stronger, happier, and more confident is probably the best revenge you could ever have.

Believe me when I say that I was very tempted to take revenge on the woman my husband cheated with.  In the end, I decided this would probably just lead to more hurt and drama.  I did focus on restoring my own self esteem – but I did that by focusing on myself, not her – and not him.  And this eventually worked.  You can read more about how I was able to move on and restore my self esteem after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Is It A Good Idea To Separate After An Affair? Here’s Some Pros And Cons

By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from wives who aren’t sure which path to take after learning of their husband’s affair.  Many experience very conflicting desires.  On one hand, they want to save their marriage, but they also want to make their husband experience full remorse and responsibility for his actions.  In other words, they don’t want for things to be completely easy for him after this sort of betrayal.  Many want him to appreciate just what he had with them and with the marriage before he nearly threw away.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair last month.  Apparently, it wasn’t a long term affair and he swears it wasn’t that meaningful to him and that he wants to stay married to me.  But I am so very wounded by this.  I want him to be filled with remorse and I want him to be scared of losing me.  And I’m not seeing either one of these right now.  My mother suggested that I insist that we separate.  She said this would make him see what he lost and make him wonder if he’s going to be able to maintain the marriage since I will be the one making the choices.  Is this advised? Is it a good idea to separate after the affair?  I will try to answer these questions, as well as offer some pros and cons, in the following article.

Some Pros To Separating After An Affair:  Many of the assumptions that the wife was making about a separation were true.  Sometimes, separating from a husband who has cheated can scare him enough to motivate him to change.  It sometimes also makes him value his wife and his marriage more because he gets a taste of what it might be like to lose both.  Also, men who have been scared by a separation are often more willing to go to counseling or at least to communicate openly and honestly with you because it’s clear that this is going to be  a requirement for your allowing the separation to end.   So there are some pros here.  But there are also some cons, which I’ll discuss now.

Some Cons To Separating After An Affair: One of the biggest negatives that I see in this situation is that the wife will wonder if the husband is continuing to cheat or will “move on” during the separation.  Trust is one of the biggest obstacles to saving your marriage after infidelity.  And a separation can make this even more difficult than it already is.  The wife is often left worrying what the husband is doing or thinking because he’s not in her line of sight like he would be if he were still living at home.

Also, some wives worry that pursuing a separation is almost condoning the husband living his own life, beginning to move on, or to become tempted to see others.  When you are already filled with doubt about your husband’s commitment to you, all of these issues can weigh heavily on your shoulders.

Alternatives To A Separation:   Most wives are excited about some of the pros that I have mentioned but are extremely scared of the cons.  To that end, there are some alternatives that you can explore which might give you a nice compromise without some of the fear, insecurity, and uncertainty that comes with a separation.  An alternative is to set very firm boundaries while you are still living together.  You might tell your husband that since you are unsure about your future, your relationship might change somewhat while you are healing. You might still urge him to attend counseling or some form of self help as a condition of saving your marriage.  In short, you still don’t make things completely easy for him.  He certainly doesn’t get off completely free and this certainly doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have to take responsibility for his actions, but you are still living together so that you can keep an eye on him.

Remaining in close living quarters allows you to gauge how you are both feeling and acting when you are together and it is also easier to pinpoint the issues that keep cropping up that will need your attention.   In short, I believe that, when done correctly, setting boundaries at home can help to bring you close again while a separation, when done incorrectly can bring you further apart in more ways than one, by intensifying the lack of trust and the fears that likely already exists.  So to answer the question posed, I think that in some circumstances, there are some advantages to separating after an affair, but in my opinion, the negatives outweigh the advantages and often, you can obtain the benefits and advantages without needing to do something as drastic as separating, particularly if you want to save your marriage.

My husband and I had a few nights apart after his affair, but I opted not to pursue a formal separation.  I knew myself well enough to know that wondering about his behaviors, thoughts and feelings while he wasn’t living with me was going to cause a lot of additional turmoil.  I also think that continuing to live together helped our recovery process.  If it helps you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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