Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

Sometimes, I hear from women who are many months (or even years) post-affair. They’ve had ample time to process and then heal, but many have not. They find themselves still overwhelmingly angry, and they aren’t sure why. It can be very frustrating to carry around negative feelings when you should be moving on by now.

Someone might say, “It’s been eight months since my husband’s affair. And I’m just as angry today as I was the first day that I found out. I don’t understand this. I’m not an angry person. And my husband has done everything I’ve asked. I believe that he has regret, and I want to believe that he will not cheat again. Still, I find myself unexpectedly lashing out at him. Sometimes, my anger seems to come out of nowhere, and it shocks us both. Worse, when it comes, it just has to run its course. I can’t seem to control it. I will usually take a walk or exercise until I calm down. But I am tired of being angry all of the time. I want to let it go, and I don’t understand why I can’t. I can’t pinpoint what I’m so angry about because my husband has made every attempt to fix things. How can I get to the bottom of what is causing my anger so that I can address it?”

Please don’t beat yourself up about this. It’s normal to feel anger for quite a while. But that doesn’t mean that you have to suffer endlessly. In the meantime, here are some exercises that can be beneficial for uncovering surprising causes for your anger.

The Purpose of These Exercises: The exercises I’m going to list below are free association. Please hear me out. Free association can be helpful because it allows you to turn off your rational mind. If you look at the wife’s statement above, you’ll see that she repeatedly looks for rational reasons why she shouldn’t be angry – her husband is remorseful and has done everything she’s asked. Yet, anger is not a rational emotion. So, sometimes we have to turn off logic to understand it. These exercises are meant to do just that.

Clustering: I will tell you from the beginning that you might feel as if you are in grade school while doing this exercise. Do it anyway. I know that this exercise seems ridiculously simple, but it often yields profound results. Start with a blank sheet of paper. In the center, write the word “anger” and circle it. Then write down the first word that comes to your mind when you think of “anger.” Place that new word underneath “anger,” circle it, and draw a line connecting the two words. Let’s pretend the second word is “rage.” Now, write the next word that comes to mind after “rage.” That word might be “lies.” Connect rage and lies with a line. After “lies,” you might get “secrets.” Then you might get “sex.”

Keep doing this until you literally can’t write any more words because you cannot think of anything else. At this point, you will have a long list of words. Get out another sheet of paper and make a list of all the words inside of the clusters. So, in the above example, you’d have a list that says, anger, rage, lies, secrets, sex, etc.

Look at the list and circle the words which elicit the strongest reaction. If all of them affect you, circle them all. After this exercise, you should have a pretty good idea about the sources of your anger.

Now, get out a third sheet of paper and cluster the phrase “let go.” Circle it. Use the same steps as above. “Let go” might lead to “release,” which might lead to “forgiveness,” which might lead to “trust,” which might lead to “intimacy,” and then to “talking,” and so forth. Obviously, the words that come to your mind may be very different than the examples I’ve given. This exercise is unique to each person.

Once you are done clustering, make a list of the words you’ve used, as you did with “anger.” Circle the words which give you the most relief from your anger when you look at them. Use this list as a road map for activities that might allow you to release your anger. For example, if you’ve circled “trust” and “talking,” then perhaps you might start having vulnerable conversations with your spouse to help you restore the trust.

Being Made Whole: From my own experience, I believe that some anger stems from the shadow belief that we have not yet been made whole again. We often don’t understand this, especially when our husband has done everything that we have asked. Still, we can’t openly trust anymore. We walk around with dread and doubts. The pain of the affair has left scars. Make no mistake, our life has changed. We can’t unsee what we have seen. And we resent these drastic changes.

So one way to counter this resentment is to make your life rival what it looked like pre-affair. No, you can’t turn back time. You can’t pretend the affair didn’t happen. But you can rebuild your marriage if that is what you want. You can restore your self-confidence. You can re-forge the vulnerability and intimacy so that eventually, you don’t feel as if you have lost something that you can never get back. That is where my anger stemmed from – the loss of the life I had pre-affair. So I had to forge a comparable life post-affair. (You can read about how I did that at http://surviving-the-affair.com)

There are no short cuts to this process. It takes time, patience, determination, and effort. However, putting in the effort is better than continuing to be resentful. Managing constant anger is exhausting. Try clustering. You may be surprised to find a contributing factor that you never suspected. Once you do, relentlessly address it.

Repeat the clustering exercise every couple of weeks. You should have fewer words each time. This allows you to track your progress, determine which issues you still need to tackle, and alerts you when any new sources of anger crop up. Keep doing this, and one day you may feel much less angry.

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One of the most common things that faithful spouses struggle to understand is what their cheating spouse was thinking while being unfaithful. If you polled a large, random group of people, most of those people would tell you that cheating is wrong. Yet, statistics indicate that plenty of married people not only cheat, but then manage to justify their actions and continue their behaviors. This sort of mental gymnastics can be difficult to understand.

Mind Games Are Common: It may help to accept that this type of mental mind game occurs for many different types of vice – not just cheating. For example, it is well established that smoking and excessive sun exposure cause cancer. But, plenty of people still smoke. Plenty of people still use tanning beds. If you were to press a smoker on how he continues to smoke while knowing the risk, he may answer by minimizing his behavior. For example, he may tell you that he knew someone who lived a long life while smoking. Or he may tell you that he only smokes socially. Likewise, the sunbather may tell you that she wears sunscreen during regular sun exposure or that she only tans indoors for special occasions.

Understanding Cognitive Dissonance: This type of justification – where you struggle to hold two conflicting beliefs – is called cognitive dissonance. You know that your behavior is wrong, but you participate anyway. This is only possible when you find a way to minimize or justify your behavior.

And to be fair, we all do this to a certain extent. I know that my exessive coffee drinking may hurt my health, but I haven’t even tried to give it up. I tell myself that the increase in focus negates the health risk. Intellectually, I know this isn’t true. But that doesn’t stop me from my morning crutch.

I realize that an affair is much more serious than coffee, but the mental leaps are similar.

Understanding The Need For Justification: A cheater may think that good, moral people do not lie or cheat. He may also believe that he is a moral person. (Very often, his wife agrees with this assessment. ) And yet, he undeniably lied. There’s no denying that he did cheat. So how does he reconcile the two opposing realities? By telling himself that a moral person who lied and cheated must have a good reason for it. As a result, he’ll search his brain for possible justifications.

He may look at your marriage or at the other person. Ironically, many men do understand that they were victims of cognitive dissonance – but only after enough time has passed for them to have perspective. In the early days of the affair’s discovery, he will desperately cling to his justifications. Unfortunately, there is sometimes a teeny, tiny kernel of truth in his lies.

For example, he may tell you that you didn’t listen enough. He may accuse you of not noticing his restlessness. He may claim that you didn’t have enough time for him.

Now, let’s be real. In every marriage, there are days when you don’t listen to every single thing your spouse says. You can’t always notice every single detail about his behavior. But overall, you try very hard to be attentive, accommodating, and understanding. Still, you can’t claim perfection every single day. Therefore, he may argue that his point is valid.

Calling Him On His Faulty Beliefs: I suggest that you consider challenging any questionable arguments. If he is allowed to believe his justifications, he will not feel the necessary remorse. Frankly, remorse may prevent him from cheating again.

So you may want to try something like, “I know that right now, you may actually believe what you are saying. But I am asking you to take a step back and question these claims. In truth, you are rewriting our marital history. If you look at our marriage honestly, you’ll see that we had our ups and downs like all couples. Neither of us was perfect all of the time. I admit that I made mistakes. Everyone does. But I didn’t grossly neglect you or our marriage. Nor was I inattentive or oblivious to reality. If you were unhappy, you should have come to me and discussed that before just cheating on me. Would you want me to cheat on you at the first sign of dissatisfaction? That’s not what committed partners with integrity do. I’d like for you to re-think your claims when you have a little more distance. I hope you will see that what you’re saying isn’t entirely accurate. And even if it were, there is no justification for lying and cheating. I know you want to be an honorable person, so please re-think this. You’re just making the deception worse.”

Unfortunately, he may not realize that you are right immediately. In fact, he may get defensive initially. He may even bring up instances to prove his claims. If he does, methodically and calmly challenge him and remind him of reality. Again, you may have to wait until he can see the truth. But at least you will know that you did not give him more ammunition.

Please understand that I am not explaining cognitive dissonance to justify cheating. I don’t believe there is any valid justification. But I want you to understand how someone who has otherwise been honorable throughout your marriage can commit this terrible act.

I do consider my husband to be a person of integrity. And yet, he did cheat on me. I would even tell you that he is honorable today. Since much time has gone by since the affair, he can now admit that all of his justifications were an attempt to shift the blame away from his own stupidity. He knows those claims were never true. But in the weeks following the affair, he could not admit this.

Just know in your own heart that he is feeding you lies that are necessary to build a buffer around his own guilt. In time, he will hopefully be able to face his own responsibility. Until then, do not validate his mental gymnastics if you do not believe his claims are true. You know the true state of your marriage before and after the affair. You don’t need to pretend to believe otherwise. But eventually, to heal your marriage, you’ll both have to look at the future instead of the past.  You can read about how we went beyond the past on http://surviving-the-affair.com

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It’s normal to look for a concrete and believable reason that your spouse cheated or had an affair. Sometimes, your spouse will insist he doesn’t know why he cheated. Other times, he will very willingly offer up a reason. Anxiety is sometimes used as justification for the cheating. Understandably, the faithful spouse can question if this is a valid justification.

The anxiety that is used for justification can take many forms. Sometimes, it is the husband who was experiencing the anxiety, which he believes contributed to his cheating. Other times, it was the wife who was struggling, and the husband will claim that the atmosphere at home was in play.

If it is the husband who has anxiety, you might hear something like, “my husband claims that his generalized and social anxiety disorder was one of the reasons he cheated on me. I don’t deny that my husband has this issue. But he has always had it. And he always just lived his life around it. He has a job. He has fulfilling relationships. And never has his anxiety gotten in the way of him living a productive life. Now suddenly it is this huge problem. Now he’s telling me that when he was with the other woman, he got a break from his anxiety because she is so easy to talk to and she makes the world feel safe. Is this just a lie he’s making up to have an excuse? This doesn’t make sense to me.”

Alternatively, you might hear a wife say, “my husband is blaming me for his affair by saying that our home was always tense due to my anxiety and mental health issues. I don’t deny that I have anxiety. And it has now been magnified several times over with his cheating. However, this is not a new issue. I’ve had it since we were dating. And it has never been a deal-breaker. Now suddenly living with me was so troublesome that my husband supposedly cheated on me as a way to escape. I’ve never heard this crazy excuse before. Can a spouse’s anxiety cause an affair?”

Escape Excuses Versus Free Will: Neither of these justifications is all that uncommon. Anxiety (both within one’s self and at home) falls within the “escape” excuse that is often used for an affair. And, since anxiety is very common, the person claiming it may be sincere in thinking that it contributed to the affair.

However, human beings have free will. Despite any contributing factors, cheating is a conscious act. No one forces someone else to cheat or have an affair. They alone take that action. Sure, being anxious may have put your spouse in a bad mental state that made him vulnerable. But he chose to cheat to cope rather than to pursue other alternatives. Likewise, when a spouse is blaming your anxiety or mental health for his actions, he’s using the home atmosphere as the reasoning behind his betrayal. This is also a common excuse. And certainly, anxiety within and at home can be contributing factors to stress, but again, cheating is a choice when there were likely better choices available.

Healing After The Anxiety Excuse: Frankly, anxiety is just another justification that a cheating spouse will try in a long list of justifications. Often, the spouse firmly believes what he is saying and may even be correct about the diagnosis of anxiety. But he’s not taking full responsibility for his choices. True healing will be difficult until he does.

Regardless of any valid reasons for his struggles, these hardships are never a justification for betraying your spouse. Unfortunately, he’s not likely to see that right now. It can be difficult to think clearly when you are dealing with the fall out of the affair on top of pre-existing mental health issues.

How To Respond: I think it is important to validate his struggle while making it clear that it is still not an excuse. It is also important to encourage treatment, as moving forward will be difficult without it. So I’d try something like, “I’m sorry that you’re struggling and I will support your getting treatment. But there is no excuse for cheating. And you need to take responsibility for it. The treatment for the anxiety and the responsibility for cheating are two different things. I am behind you all the way in addressing the anxiety. And I also want to heal. But I will not accept anxiety as an excuse.”

Then, assuming you are still invested in your marriage, make good on what you’ve said. Attend counseling with him or support him using self-help. Have empathy for his struggles, but insist that he own up to the choice he made. You still have to address the damage he has caused regardless of the reasoning behind it.

Anxiety After An Affair: Pre-affair is not the only time you will see anxiety. It is a very common consequence of an affair. I struggled with it after my husband’s affair. I believe it stems from a lack of control. Before you find out about the affair, you think that you have a predictable life. After the affair, you realize how wrong you were. Your world is turned upside down and you did nothing to cause this.

It feels as if you can only watch helplessly as your stability disappears. This lack of control would make anyone anxious. Thankfully, I learned there were ways to take back some control. I began to exercise, seek healing, and write in a journal. I also joined a book club that met regularly to take my mind off of things.

My husband most definitely experienced anxiety while he wondered if his mistake would cost him his family and his home. He had to watch helplessly as I decided what would happen with our marriage and family. He got some professional help, but he had to step back and allow me to go at my own pace. Thankfully, he realized that he had no right to pressure or rush me.

The anxiety lessened as we regained our footing. I maintain a sense of control by regularly taking the pulse of our marriage and doing everything in my power to keep it strong. Still, I’ve learned that I’ll never be able to control everything. That’s just a reality. But I also know that I am strong enough to handle most uncertainties. I’ll never be completely anxiety-free, but it doesn’t control my life.  You can read about how we healed after the affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Many faithful wives spend a lot of time thinking about their husband’s affair. Understandably, these wives have questions, many of which share a common theme. The wives want to know which feelings were the foundation of the affair. To that end, wives wonder how their husband treated the other woman.

A wife might ask questions like, “How do cheaters treat their affair partner? It irks me to think about my husband wining and dining this woman. I hate to picture him spending tons of money on her when we’ve been scrimping for our retirement. He swears that he didn’t pamper her. He says that he was honest that he would never leave me. He claims he was clear that there wasn’t much in it for her. However, I have seen texts between them. He was very playful and flirty with her. So I find his claims very hard to believe. How do married men typically treat the affair partner? In fair disclosure, my husband treats me quite well. However, he hasn’t been flirty and playful with me in quite some time. So knowing that he probably pampered her or made her a priority will hurt.”

The Various Ways Men Treat The Other Woman: Frankly, the treatment of the affair partner can vary just like the treatment of a wife can. It’s common for a man to be on his best behavior early on in the relationship. During these early stages, either of them can try to lure the other into a relationship that they both know is wrong. This process can include expensive gifts or meals. However, this phase often passes once the affair no longer feels new.

Believe it or not, some men do try to resist the affair and can be indifferent to the other woman, which she may find alluring or challenging. In these situations, the other woman will sometimes respond by pursuing more aggressively.

There are also cases where both people are married. Often, both are clear that the affair will never replace their marriages. In these examples, the affair can play out like a business arrangement.

Finally, some people come to resent their affair partner because of the guilt or the high emotional price of carrying out an affair. In these cases, the treatment of the affair partner can become passive-aggressive.

Regardless Of How He Treats Her, The Secrecy And The Deception Of The Affair Means It’s A Second Class Relationship: I know it is painful to think about your husband treating the other woman as if he genuinely cares about or wants to impress her. But, you don’t know for certain that he did. However, even if you assume that this is true, there is something else to consider.

Unless your husband confessed the affair and then proclaimed that he was leaving you for the other woman, he has not made the affair his priority. Instead, he buried this relationship underneath lies and deceit. He did not free himself to have a healthy, new relationship that he could be proud of in the future. No, he kept this gem of a relationship hidden. Why? Because he probably was not serious about it.

No matter how he might have treated this woman, the secrecy of the affair means he had doubts. If he was certain that truly loved her, he would have passed this onto you. He did not because he was unsure. Deep down, most men know that the affair is going to end. So they hope to go on with their lives and their marriages. The other woman usually has no place in their long-term future, regardless of how they treat her today.

Yes, your husband might have been a man who was deceiving both his wife and the other woman. In essence, he was treating both women in similar ways. I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse, but it’s one reason I believe it doesn’t always matter how he treated her. You (and she) can’t trust his behaviors during the affair anyway.

What To Do With This Knowledge: I know what I’ve written above is difficult to take in. You could almost view the other woman as someone who has been duped. However, if she knew he was married, then she is as much at fault. People play mind games with themselves to carry out an affair. Obviously, they often act in ways that are not normal for them.

Whether they will later try to make up for this behavior remains to be seen. But most people who carry out an affair will abandon their normal personalities during it.

Since there will always be unknowns about the affair, I believe you have to evaluate your husband on how he has treated YOU. I also believe you have to consider his behavior before, during, and after the affair. For example, after much work and rehabilitation, I eventually chose to move forward with my own marriage. My husband was mostly an outstanding husband before and after the affair. I could not discount this even though his behavior during the affair was deplorable.  It took much time to restore the trust, but eventually, we did. (That story is at: http://surviving-the-affair.com)

Do not underestimate the power of healing if you wish to move past this. It takes work. It takes time. It takes determination. But it is possible. That said, everyone’s choice about their own marriage is authentic and should not be questioned.

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No matter what the status of your mental health or thought process was before your husband’s affair, chances are you are going to notice significant changes after it. One example that some wives experience is obsessive thinking or intrusive negative thoughts.

A wife might explain, “I’ve always been pretty strong mentally, but since I have been struggling to come to terms with my husband’s affair, my thought process concerns me. I have been having what I believe are obsessive thoughts. I saw my husband with the other woman. Between this and other bits and pieces of information that I have pried out of my husband, I have developed mental images of the affair. Honestly, I don’t even know if these images are accurate, but I can’t get them out of my head. For example, I will be sitting at breakfast and all of a sudden, I will think about the tennis shoes the other woman was wearing when I saw her. Then for probably an hour after this, I will continue to dwell on those shoes. Sometimes, the images are not even focused on her or my husband. Last night, I saw images of myself in the future. I was alone and sad. I looked haggard. So for several hours afterward, I dwelled on that sorry thought. Once these images invade, I become very unproductive. I can think of little else. Then I start going over the affair again. Or I ask my husband the same old questions. How can I stop these obsessive thoughts? Is this normal?”

I believe that it is totally normal. I had similar thoughts. I believe that many faithful wives go through this. I am not a counselor. And I would encourage you to see one if it would help. But I will share what helped me to move past the intrusive thoughts.

Acknowledge Them: Your first instinct may be to try to turn the thoughts off or to deny their existence. After all, these ruminations have negative consequences that can range from mild to debilitating. Worse, they are often are paired with painful self-judgments. However, pretending that they don’t exist isn’t effective, either. The harder you try to deny them, the stronger they become. So, acknowledge them, but know that the thoughts themselves have no real consequences until you react to them.

Write Them Down And Look For Patterns: It would be wonderful if we could stop the thoughts in their tracks. But, as you’ve seen, you can’t. You have no control over how or when the thoughts will make their presence known. However, what you can control is your reaction to them. Rather than just spinning your wheels and being very unproductive after receiving them, start writing them down. This is more effective than trying to chase them away. Then try to find clues for what you’re truly worried about. For example, the shoes and the images of you alone might show that you’re worried the other woman or the affair will take away your bright future. When you see patterns, you’ve identified an area you still need to work through.

Address Your True Worries: Once you’ve found the patterns discussed above and you have a good handle on what’s really worrying you, challenge everything. Using the example above, who says the affair means you can’t have a bright future? You are not divorced. You may well heal your marriage. And even if you don’t, who says that you will be alone? The future may hold many wonderful surprises for you. If you’re feeling that the other woman has some attributes that you don’t, challenge this assumption. No one is perfect. Every human being has challenges and flaws. The other woman is no exception. Besides, you have no control whatsoever over her attributes or flaws. But, you have complete control over your own, which leads me to my next point.

Turn Negative, Obsessive Thoughts Into Positive, Targeted Actions: Once I got very tired of my own intrusive thoughts, I made a rule for myself. For every negative thought, I would take positive action. I learned to use negative thoughts as a call to get up and do something. So I was able to flip the script. Instead of dreading the thoughts, I began to see them as a call for self-care or self-improvement. Sometimes I would go for a run when the thoughts hit me hard. Or I’d call a friend and get out of the house. Do whatever is necessary to take positive action to stop the cycle of negativity.

Learn To Focus Your Mind: With practice, you can learn to focus on alternative thoughts. I still stink at meditation. However, I have learned to respond by bringing my mind back to the positive. Yes, I have to constantly re-direct myself. But this is better than just allowing the obsessive thoughts to take over. There are countless wonderful and free meditation apps. Try a couple the next time the thoughts show up.

Know That The Thoughts Are Likely Temporary: It may help to know that I rarely have intrusive thoughts anymore. As I healed, they showed up less and less. When the affair is fresh, your brain is struggling to make sense of it all and may go into overdrive. However, as you heal and begin to put much of the fallout behind you, your brain, and the obsessive thoughts, should calm down.

If you need more reassurance, you can read my blog about how I healed after my husband’s affair here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Many maladies can crop up after your husband has an affair. Some are expected, like the loss of self-esteem and trust. And others are both unexpected and unwelcome, like the loss of sleep.

Someone might say, “I’ve always been a fantastic sleeper. My husband is an insomniac, but I am not. I typically sleep the second my head hits the pillow. I remain that way for seven to eight hours. However, since my husband’s affair, I don’t sleep well. Some nights, I can’t fall asleep at all. Other nights, I will fall asleep relatively quickly, but I will wake up at 3 a.m. and can’t fall back. At first, I thought this was just a fluke, but it’s now been three weeks. The lack of sleep is affecting my performance and emotions. It’s not like I’m thinking about the affair every time I try to sleep, so why is this happening? And what can I do about?”

I am not a sleep specialist, but I know a good deal about this topic because I am a life-long off and on insomniac. So I know that our circumstances most defintely affect our sleep, at least mine do.  And, after my husband’s affair, my sleep worsened for a while. In my experience, any emotional stressor can affect your sleep, even if you aren’t thinking about it at bedtime. Here are some things that I have learned along the way that I hope will help you.

Make Sure You Have An Emotional Outlet: It’s extremely important to be able to release troublesome emotions right now. Some people use a therapist or self-help. Others journal or unload on a trusted friend. However you do it, make sure you are letting your emotions go on a regular basis.

Practice Good Sleep Hygiene: Even good sleepers should practice good sleep hygiene by conducting no business in your bed other than sleeping or sex. This means no TV watching, computer use, eating, or other non-sexual activities in bed. I do make an exception for reading because this actually induces sleep for me. I know that sleep hygiene may seem drastic, but it actually trains your brain to associate your bed with sleep.

Try To Soothe Your Way Into Bedtime: For many people, it is very important to create soothing bedtime rituals. I sleep much better if I wind down before bed by reading or doing crafts. I have to be careful to choose non-fiction books that aren’t too exciting and crafts that are not too stimulating. I realize that as a sound sleeper, you’ve probably never had to establish a bedtime ritual before. But when you need your sleep, it doesn’t hurt to try a soothing ritual or two. Some people respond well to baths, meditation, white noise, or turning off all artificial light half an hour before bed.

Don’t Watch The Clock Or Panic When Things Don’t Go As Planned: I once told a doctor that I was certain I was lying awake for up to six hours every night. The doctor told me this was very unlikely and challenged me to go home, lay on my bed, and stay awake for six hours. I couldn’t. We often get more sleep than we think, even if our body is resting and going in and out of slumber. And when we lay in bed worrying about the sleep we aren’t getting, we’re just making things worse. I never look at my alarm clock if I wake in the middle of the night. If I do, I will never return to sleep. Instead, I give myself a few minutes to settle. If I can’t go back to sleep, I read again until I can. I’ve learned that if I remain calm, I have a much better chance of sleeping again or having a decent day tomorrow, despite my sleep deprivation.

Add Morning Exercise: I have found that if I exhaust myself physically, I have a much higher chance of shutting down mentally and sleeping soundly. However, through trial and error, I have learned that working out at night is too stimulating. I have had some success with nighttime yoga, but I save heavy workouts for the morning. They really help with sleep. Experiment with an exercise schedule that enhances your sleep.

Try Waking Up Earlier Or Going To Bed Later: If I have a really bad sleep run, I will wake up earlier or go to bed later to try to encourage more straight hours of sleep. For example, if my main issue is broken sleep, I’ve found that I’m better off going to sleep two hours later and sleeping straight through rather than waking up in the middle of the night and lying awake. Experiment to see which way you feel more refreshed.

Make Sure You Are Making Progress After The Affair: A sense of hopelessness can also affect your sleep. It’s normal to feel hopeless in the beginning, but after some time you should feel as if you are least making personal progress, even if your marriage is still up in the air. Having steady improvement allows you to feel hope again, which makes it easier to lay your head on the pillow and let everything go long enough to rest.

Know That This Is Likely Temporary: I can’t lie. I still have insomnia from time to time even when my personal life is fantastic. Sometimes, there is no particular reason for my poor sleep, but it usually resolves itself quickly. Thankfully, the sleeping drought I had after my husband’s affair ended as I began to heal. I am not unique in this. Improvement eventually happens for many wives in this situation.

So take some comfort in knowing that this likely won’t last forever. And when sleep doesn’t come, just try to be gentle with yourself. Sip warm tea. Take a bath. Use a dim reading night light and read self-help or uplifting non-fiction. This sleep issue will likely end. I learned the hard way that frustration only makes it worse. So try to cope with positivity until improvement arrives. If it helps, you can read about my after-the-affair healing (and know it’s possible for you also) at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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The topic of what questions to ask a cheating husband comes up very often. Many wives feel like they are asking the same questions over and again after a husband’s affair. This cycle is a problem for a couple of reasons. Sometimes, the wives continue to inquire because their husband isn’t addressing what they really want to know. So, this article is meant to list the questions which I believe are the most vital. Hopefully, if you are a wife dealing with an unfaithful husband, getting these questions answered will give you a very firm understanding of what has happened and of where you stand right now. That way, you won’t feel like you are repeating yourself and your husband won’t feel as if you are just harassing him since you’re asking some variation on the same questions.

1. Is The Affair Over? What Is He Willing To Do To Prove This?: This is the most important question. Because if the affair is not over, then the only healing that can happen is your own self-healing. You can’t begin to repair your marriage if the affair is ongoing. Since no one wants to waste their time trying to accomplish the impossible, you need to know for sure that it is 100% over. However, it’s understandable that you would not take him at his word since he deceived you by having an affair. That’s why his next set of answers should be to clarify how he will prove that it’s over. Will he come straight home from work? Will he give you access to his phone, social media and emails? Clarify what you need from him and then ask him directly if he will meet these needs.

2. What Does He Want To Happen In The Short Term?: It’s important to understand his immediate wishes. Does he know if he wants to stay in your home? Is he open to saving the marriage if it is possible? Is he not thinking this far ahead? By asking him what he wants in the near-term, he’s forced to lay out his preferred next steps, which allows you to consider if his next-steps match yours. Once you agree on the short-term plans, it’s easier to clarify your long-term plans.

3. Is He Willing To Speak Honestly And To Go To Counseling Or Use Self-Help?: Once you have a better idea of whether it is a good idea to move forward, you need to understand how serious he is about rehabilitating your marriage. Good intentions are not enough after an affair. In order for you to ever trust him again, you need to be confident that you both understand why this happened so that you can avoid it in the future. This is very difficult to accomplish unless he is willing to get very honest with himself and with you. Typically, counseling or very good self-help will help this process move much more quickly. His commitment to either of these is a good sign. It’s not that uncommon to save your marriage after an affair, but IT CAN be uncommon to be truly happy without a nudge.

4. Will He Tell You What Happened From Start To Finish?: You need to know the whole story. He needs to be honest about: how he met her; how the affair started; how long it lasted; how he carried it out; what sorts of feelings were involved; and why it ended. Yes, the answers to these questions will be painful for both of you. However, you need this information so you know what you must overcome. This information will also help you identify future warning signs.

5. Will He Take Responsibility For His Actions?: Everyone knows that the reasons for an affair are complex. There are likely multiple contributing factors that caused the affair. However, no one forced your husband to cheat. He alone took that action. Is he willing to own up to that without excuses?

6. Will He Commit To Having Patience?: Affair recovery can be a painful process that isn’t linear. You may make progress only to regress later. You will have good and bad days. You will have anger, frustration, and confusion that is directed at your husband. He must be patient to deal with these challenges. Is he willing?

7. Will He Check The Health Of Your Marriage In The Future?: One critical aspect of trust is knowing that when your husband feels vulnerabilities in your marriage, he will give you the opportunity to address these issues before he cheats. This is an ongoing process that takes determination and attentiveness.

8. Will He Reassure You Even When You Push Him Away?: A husband who wants to rehabilitate his marriage needs determination. There will be days when you push him away to test him, even when you don’t mean to. You’re looking for him to fight for you at a time when you’re not at your best. Is he up for that?

9. Will He Built You Up As You Rebuild Your Self-Esteem?: No matter how confident you were going into this, most of us take a hit in self-confidence. We must do some self-work and confidence-building to get our swagger back. The last thing we need is a husband who questions or thwarts this. You need to know that he is okay with whatever is necessary in this regard. A husband who loves you wants you to feel fantastic about yourself.

10. Is There Anything Else?: I know this question is vague, but a husband knows when he has withheld an important detail. If such a detail exists, you need to know about it. So this last question is meant to help you avoid landmines that might sideline your recovery in the future. It is better to deal with them now than to find out about them later.

As someone who has recovered from an affair, these are the questions that I feel are most important, although everyone’s situation is different.  Ask the questions that are important to you. It is better to ask than to make up your own answers.  You can read about my own recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Many wives who catch their husband cheating assume that he is going to panic. After all, he has been caught in a deplorable act. And he very likely has an awful lot to lose, such as his marriage, his image, and his finances. So it’s a reasonable assumption that a man in this position will immediately scramble to fight for his wife and for his marriage. But what if he doesn’t? Does this say anything about him, about his feelings for his wife, or about his attitude toward his marriage?

A wife might explain a situation like this, “I feel like an idiot, but I did not even suspect my husband of cheating. I thought we’d been having a wonderful year. I wasn’t trying to catch him, but unfortunately, I did. Immediately afterward, he asked for assurances that I wasn’t going anywhere. I promised that I would not make an immediate decision, but I insisted that I could not make any long term promises. I explained that I needed to evaluate the depth of his deception, his feelings for the other woman, and the state of our marriage. I thought I made it pretty clear that I needed to see him take the initiative so that I would want to stay in our marriage. But he hasn’t done a thing. Sure, he tiptoes around the house. He tries to be kind to me. But that’s about it. He mentioned counseling initially but he hasn’t taken any steps to find a counselor. He’s not overly affectionate to me. When I ask him if he still loves me or wants our marriage, he says yes. But he is not acting like a man who is desperate to keep his wife. When my friend caught her husband cheating, he could not do enough for her. He was desperate to win her back. My husband isn’t acting the same way. I don’t see him fighting for me and I can’t understand why. He says he wants our life together. He hasn’t left. But his behavior doesn’t match his claims. Why isn’t he fighting for me?”

I completely understand why you want to see some strong emotions from your husband. It would be nice to see him express some passion in his fight to keep you, since you may be imagining that he also expressed passion toward her. At least this is how I felt after my own husband’s affair. However, he may feel reluctant to show his feelings right now. And this may not have anything to do with his stance toward you or your marriage. Below, I will list some common reasons why men hang back rather than fighting for their wife or their marriage after an affair.

He’s Afraid Of Rejection: Your husband knows that he made a grave mistake. He sees the pain in your eyes and the anger in your posture. He knows that he disappointed you. So it’s somewhat understandable if he is reluctant to make a huge display of desperation or pursuit. He knows that you’d be justified in rejecting him. And he may not feel up for that right now.

He’s Waiting For A Hint About Whether You Want Him To Pursue You: Understandably, you promised your husband that you wouldn’t leave immediately, but your future is still in the air. Therefore, he may be unsure of your feelings for him. He may worry that you want a separation or divorce. And if that is the case, what would be the point of chasing you? So, he may be waiting for more information from you before he takes any action.

He Could Be Waiting For Your Anger To Fade: It is human nature to want to protect ourselves against harm or pain. Your husband may be planning to let a little time pass before he makes any moves. That way, things may calm down some and you may be a little less angry and a bit more receptive.

He May Feel Undeserving: I’ve dialogued with husbands in this situation and many of them feel unworthy of their wife’s acceptance and affection. He may want to fight for you, but he doesn’t feel that he has the right. He may believe that the most respectful and kind thing to do for you is to wait for you to decide how you want to move forward.  After that, only if you give you him the green light will he then chase you. Many men worry about looking like a handsy creep when he tries to put the moves on his wife after he has been with another woman.

How To Approach Him If You Want Him To Fight For You: In light of the above, if you still want to see him show strong emotions or fight for you, then you may need to give him a nudge. Or you may want to have a direct conversation. The next time you ask him if he is still invested in the marriage and he says yes, try a response like, “well, your behavior doesn’t mesh with this. You haven’t taken any initiative about counseling. You don’t make any attempts to show you me real affection. My perception is that you aren’t acting like a man who is pursuing his marriage and his wife. Am I reading you wrong? Because this is how it feels to me.”

His response should give you important information. He may tell you that he’s wanted to pursue you more vigorously, but he was reluctant because of fear or unworthiness. Or he may tell you something completely different. Remain calm and listen very carefully to what he has to say. Then, if you want to encourage him to be more affectionate and forthcoming, say so. Tell him that affection and pursuit would make you feel more reassured about his commitment to you, even after the affair.

Unfortunately, sometimes if we want or need for our husband to provide something that will help in healing, we have to spell it out. I had to do this plenty of times with my own husband. But it was worth it because I eventually got what I needed and we are still married today. You can read the whole story at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Any wife who has ever dealt with infidelity or an affair knows that the repercussions may not be only temporary. Sure, you may be bombarded with shock, grief, anger, and outrage from the get-go, but you may be surprised to learn that some of these things follow you or morph into something else. Because of this, many wives worry that they will never truly move on.

A wife might ask, “I wonder which is going to be worse, the short or long term consequences of my husband’s affair. I know that today, I just feel shell-shocked. I cannot believe that this is my life. I thought that I had a decent marriage and that I’d married a good man. Turns out I have a liar and cheater. Yes, he says and does all the right things but I do not trust him. And I worry that I’m not as attractive as I used to be. So thanks to him, I now doubt myself. I know that these are the short-term consequences and they are bad enough, but now I worry that I will end up as one of those bitter, old women who believe that the whole world is out to get them. I don’t want this. Which is worse, the short or long term consequences of an affair?

I’m sure it is different for everyone and I can certainly share my own experience. But first, I’ll list what I think are the most common short and long term consequences of an affair. Then I’ll tell you which I believe are worse. And I’ll offer tips on how to avoid them.

The Short Term Consequences Of An Affair: The wife above had a pretty good handle of common short term effects of infidelity. But I believe that you can categorize them into two big categories – fear and doubt. Under the category of fear, you have things like a loss of self-esteem, overwhelming anger, and deep sadness. Under the category of doubt, you’ll find things like lack of trust, disbelief, and a struggle to know what is real right now. In short, an affair shakes your perception of reality. You question everything. Was your marriage a lie? Did he never love you? Does he not love you now? Is he a liar who should never be trusted? Was he always? Can you be trusted to know what is true in the future? Do you even want to try?

These reactions are normal. Other than ignoring your feelings, I’m not sure how you avoid them. However, when they do emerge, you have a choice as to how you respond to them. You can react to the fear with panic. Or you can sit with it for a while, evaluate it, and then find a positive way to move past it.

The Long Term Consequences Of Affair: The long term aftermath of an affair is much harder to quantify. Some couples work very hard and/or obtain excellent help so that they heal. Some will even tell you that their marriage is stronger than ever. However, I would never tell you that you’ll one day completely forget the affair. Or be completely fine with it. I do consider myself healed, but every once in a while, a memory or a negative feeling will emerge. This shift causes me to take stock of my life and my marriage. Sometimes, it’s easy to identify the trigger. Other times, there seems to be no particular reason for it. However, I am able to move past these occurrences because I know that we have both done the work to truly move past this. I have also decided not to live my life in fear because I know that I will survive no matter what comes up. So it doesn’t make sense to continue to be damaged by something that we have worked so hard to put behind us.  Why willingly allow the trauma to continue?

However, I know that many wives have different experiences. Some no longer trust men. Others divorce and never want to remarry. Still others remain married but are miserable and never allow their husband to forget. This means that both spouses continue to struggle with the fallout of an affair that was over long ago. Some men cheat again because they never completed rehabilitation. Or the same issues that lead to the affair were never resolved.

Some wives never relinquish the doubt, fear, and bitterness that emerged immediately after the affair so that the short term consequences simply continue. In this case, one or both spouses can grow very tired of living this way.

I believe that the more severe of these long term consequences (continued bitterness, distrust, and self-doubt) are the worst of the bunch. Why? Because you’re still being punished for something that was never your fault. You should not have to carry this heavy burden for the rest of your life.

How To Avoid The Worst Consequences: I believe that the way to avoid these burdens is to relentlessly pursue healing. Even if you are unsure about your husband or your marriage, you deserve to be emotionally healthy and at peace. If he won’t pursue help, please take the initiative to get it on your own. Professional help is the gold standard, but there is plenty of excellent self-help available. You deserve to let this go.

Life can and does go on after an affair. And if you are willing to do the work and let go of emotions that do not serve you, life can actually be pretty sweet. You’re welcome to read about my own healing process at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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If you are a wife who is dealing with the aftermath of an affair, it’s probably safe to assume that your self-esteem has taken a hit. Your husband’s choice to be with someone other than you hurts, even if it was only temporary or in secret. You may intellectually know that you are beautiful, smart, and accomplished, but most wives end up doubting themselves, at least somewhat.

As much as we tear ourselves down, we tend to build the other woman up. We will often give her attributes that she may not even have. We’ll assume that she has some magical allure over our husband, from which he can’t seem to break away. Strangely, some of us assume this even when our husband hasn’t shown any inclination to stay in contact with her. He has broken it off, says he wants to save the marriage, and claims to be willing to do whatever is necessary to regain your trust. Still, you just can’t shake the fear that he would go back to her if he could.

A wife might explain, “honestly, the woman who my husband cheated with isn’t all that special to look at. I’ve looked her up on social media. She is just average. What she does seem to have, however, is a ridiculous amount of confidence and exhibitionism. Perhaps this lured my husband to her. I’m pretty shy and reserved. I perceive that her personality is the opposite of mine. My husband tells me that none of this is true. He says he loves me and that I am who he wants. To my knowledge, he is not in contact with her and he’s been reasonably attentive to me. He has offered to go to couple’s counseling. On the surface, he seems to be doing everything right. So why can’t I stop thinking that he would go back to her if he could? Why do I think that if he had never gotten caught, he’d still be with her? I can’t shake the idea that if a divorce wouldn’t cost him, he’d give into his feelings of still wanting her.”

What Is Behind These Suspicions: What you are feeling is very common. You don’t trust his claims of being over the affair or wanting to be with you because he was not truthful while he was cheating. And he has some powerful motivations to remain married.

Why The Affair Has To Do Less With Her (And You) Than You Believe: I want you to understand something that I completely believe is both true and very important. A man’s affair often has everything to do with the man and his own personal and internal struggles and very little to do with the women involved – the other woman and the wife.

I know it’s easy to think that you are faulty and she is alluring. But this is very likely untrue. Yes, he may have THOUGHT that she was alluring because he was seeking an escape from his personal struggles through her. So he tried to quiet his issues by building her or the relationship up. These sorts of mind tricks make the cheating possible to carry out. This is why men can initially think that they’ve developed feelings for the other woman but promptly realize that they were wrong once they seek counseling or begin to fix their personal, individual issues.

How To Move Past This: Even when you know and understand these truths, you can still worry that he secretly wants her. I only know a few effective remedies for this: time, healing your marriage, and rebuilding your self-esteem.

In time, you will see that he remains with you and has never looked back. Unfortunately, you can’t hurry this part of the process. But in the meantime, you can attempt to strengthen your marriage and rebuild the trust. When you and your husband are re-connected and firing on all cylinders, you will be more confident that he has no reason to look elsewhere. It is also very important for both you and your husband to do self-work. He needs it to fix whatever personal issues lead to his cheating. And your self-work will help you restore your self-esteem and prioritize yourself.

I have been covering affairs for quite some time. In my observation, if a husband really wants to continue to be with the other woman, he will find a way and you will discover this soon enough. If time goes by and he has not resumed contact or gone back to her and is continuing to stand by you, then continuing to fear the worst does no good. It just means that you experience pain that is likely unnecessary and premature. It means that you may be doubting your husband when you don’t need to.

Your fears are normal, but they don’t serve you. Focus on yourself, on your own well-being, and on regaining what you lost. Control what you can. And know that statistics are on your side. Most marriages survive affairs. However, not all of these surviving marriages are as happy as we want them to be. Continuing to dwell on the other woman is one thing that can definitely cut into your happiness. So try to focus on those things that bring you relief, peace, and eventually, joy. The rest has no place in your life right now. You’re dealing with enough without continuing to allow worries about her into your life. You can read about my own healing process after my husband’s affair here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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