Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

There’s no question that a wife can feel extremely traumatized after she learns that her husband has cheated or had an affair. It is not unusual to feel as if you are sleepwalking through life (or worse) for quite some time. Some wives worry that the affair will negatively impact their mental health permanently because it has given them posttraumatic stress disorder or PTSD.

A wife might say, “learning about my husband’s affair has completely upended my life. I have never been so shocked. My husband was the person I most trusted in this world. Turns out, that was a mistake because he betrayed me in the worst way. I have talked to my best friend about this quite a lot. She is not a mental health professional, but she does have a behavioral background. She believes that the affair gave me PTSD. At first, I scoffed at this because I have always been very healthy in terms of mental health. But then I took a long, hard look at my life and I believe that she may be right. In truth, ever since I learned about the affair, I don’t sleep. I don’t eat. I have nightmares. I am always suspicious and now I always assume that most people have unsavory motives. My attitude and demeanor are now always negative. I’m nearly certain that I am depressed. Could I have PTSD? And if so, will I have it forever? Does it go away? Can you recover from it?”

Symptoms Of PTSD: I am not a mental health professional. However, I have read much literature and research that leads me to believe that therapists do believe that is is possible to have PTSD after any trauma, including an affair. The reason for this is that it is very common to see symptoms of PTSD after an affair, including things like:

feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness

rumination or finding reasons to continue to go over negative emotions and thoughts about the affair

swinging emotions where one minute you feel numb and the next you feel overwhelming sadness and/or anger

and

feeling unstable and off balance.

These are just a few examples, but nearly everyone I know who has been through infidelity (myself included) can identify with these symptoms because we have deeply felt or experienced them.

The Affair Can Bring Back Previous Trauma: It is not uncommon for this new bout of PTSD to trigger memories or negative experiences of trauma from the past. Since an affair can make you question everything that you thought you knew, you can end up ruminating over multiple things. You can suddenly find a laundry list of all sorts of things that are now wrong with your life. In fact, after betrayals like infidelity, it is not uncommon to look back over your life in search of “proof” that you can’t trust anyone or that you are actually unlovable or unable to maintain a relationship. None of these things are true, of course. But it’s very common for PTSD to trigger the need to find a pattern of heartbreak as some sort of answer as to why this happened to you. In truth, there isn’t always an answer. You did nothing to deserve this. Please believe that.

So Can You Survive This PTSD And Move On? Yes, you can. Think about it for a second. When we take a walk down memory lane to try to determine what might have lead up to the affair, we forget one very important piece of the puzzle. Chances are, we are remembering these heartbreaks right now because we are devastated.

However, last month or last year, these things were in our rearview mirror. We were happily married, so we were able to leave these unfortunate events from our past where they belonged – in the past. And we moved on. The human spirit and our sense of resilience allowed us to do this. In time and with healing, you can overcome this affair.

How Do You Move Past A Pain Like This One? It is really helpful if both you and your spouse accept the trauma that the affair has caused. It does no good to downplay the pain that you are going through and it’s very important that your husband acknowledges both your pain and his role in it. Yes, you have the responsibility to want to move on and to do everything in your power to put one foot in front of the other, but your husband shares this burden.

Because he has an even bigger role to play since he is the party who put these events into motion. He will need to become your partner in healing and the one person on whom you can rely to be your ally and helpmate in overcoming these wounds. In a sense, you both have to become detectives. He needs to uncover what contributed to him committing this horrible act and you need to uncover (and share with him) what you need to begin to feel like yourself again.

In order to be your true ally, he will need to abandon any justification for his actions. If he truly wants to help you move on, he can not claim that you didn’t meet his needs and were therefore partly to blame. He must also be prepared to weather whatever frustration, anger, and confusion that you understandably have. He must have the patience to stand by you as you sort through the grief you are now feeling. The sooner he is willing to take responsibility for this process, the sooner you can both begin to heal.

In terms of how the wounded party can do her part, you must have patience with yourself and understand that you may have mood swings, life disturbances, and feelings of irrationality. While you may feel the need to retaliate or run away, you must try to self-soothe, find outside professional help if needed, and commit to envisioning a future that is positive and is reflective on what you deserve.

To answer the original question, yes, I definitely believe that one can experience symptoms of PTSD after an affair because an affair causes trauma. But I also believe that like all traumas, you can heal from it. I do believe that I have healed and in many ways, I am stronger from doing so.  If it helps, I share more of how I healed from my own husband’s affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are gearing up to meet with or question the woman that their husband cheated with.  They often want to know how they should act or what they should ask her.  They often will rehearse for, plan out, and play out this meeting in their mind long before it ever happens.   They hope that having this conversation will give them some kind of closure or will mean that the woman goes away for good. They want for her to know that there’s a real person with feelings who is actually married to the man she was carrying on with.

I recently heard from a wife who had planned to approach the other women at a place where she knew this person frequented and was going to be.  She said in part “what should I ask this woman and how should I say it?  I want to know why she did this and want to compare her story with my husband’s story so that I really find out the truth. I want to know how she could do this to my family and what she was thinking.  I want to know what my husband told her about me and if he was lying to her also.  What can I say to find out the truth about all of this?  And how can I make her answer me directly?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

What You Need To Understand Before You Question The Other Woman: I understand what you are probably trying to accomplish with this meeting.  You want answers and you don’t trust your husband to give you truthful ones.  You suspect that your husband is embellishing the truth either to spare you pain or to make himself and his actions look a little better than they actually were.

So you want to demand the truth from the other person who knows it – the other woman.  But here’s what you need to understand.  Many times, we assume that she is going to just come out with the truth, but I have to tell you that this rarely happens in the way that you want it to.

Think about it. She has just as many reasons to embellish the truth as your husband does (if not more) and she will often package things to make her less responsible and your husband more so.

She often doesn’t really have any reason to want to help you save your marriage or to give you closure.  Just like you, she will often be concerned about her own needs, her own self esteem, and her own well being.  So anything she tells you will often be meant to help her own cause rather than to help yours.

And sometimes, she’s invested in out and out hurting you rather than helping you. She has her own agenda and she often won’t take kindly to your accusations and questions.  I know that you are hoping that she will give you the information that you need.  But if you ask yourself what is her incentive or motivation to do so, you’ll see that the answer is often that she has none.

So any questions that you ask have to be carefully considered and asked in such a way that she has no reason to lie or become defensive.  Because if she does, your objective isn’t met.

Ask Yourself What You Are Really Hoping To Learn From Questioning Her And Then Determine The Best Way To Get The Results You Want:  My suggestion for determining any questions that you want to ask the other woman is to first ask yourself what you really and truly want.  What are you hoping to learn or get from this meeting?

I can tell you what many women are hoping for.  They are hoping that this conversation helps them feel better and that it gives them a clearer picture of what truly happened and whether it continues to happen.   They want to know what they are up against.  They want to look her in the eye and let her know that she can’t continue to cheat with someone’s husband and not have to face the consequences.

And the best to approach to getting these things will sometimes depend on what you have decided about your marriage. If you are 100 percent sure that you are done with her, your husband, and your marriage then what is the point of continuing on with this and allowing this meeting to cause you more pain?  If you just want to have your say, understand that she will want to have hers also, more than likely

And, if there’s some possibility that you might want to save your marriage,  then allowing her into your life, or opening yourself up to doubts and  insecurities as the result of meeting with her, will often not be your best call.

Ask yourself if there’s a more reliable or healthy way to get these answers.  Which of either of them knows you better, is more invested in your well being, and has the information that you want?  Often, the answer is your husband, although I know that this isn’t what you want to hear.

The point is, I really recommend taking a very hard look at your motivation and asking yourself what you truly are trying to accomplish before you ask any questions because this allows you to at least keep your focus on to make decisions based on what is best of you.

If You Just Have To Question Her, Here Are What I Think Are The Most Important Things To Know:  I fully realize that even though you might see the points that I making have some validity, you still might very much want to question her.  If this is the case, I urge you to keep it short and sweet or even to consider doing this in writing so that she does not have any chance to engage you or to attempt to make things worse by saying something that you can’t pretend that you never heard.

In my mind, the most important question to ask her is if the affair is over.  In truth, this is really what wives want to know the most.  And this is a simple yes or no answer.  Most wives also want to know if she is going to back off while you are trying to save your marriage or if she is someone who is going to continue to be in your life.

Now, many women will want to ask the why or how type questions.  Examples are: “why did you cheat with my husband?”  Or “how did you and my husband carry out the cheating and get away with it?” Another example is “how did my husband convince you to cheat with him? What did he tell you about me?”

I understand why you want to know these things, but before you ask these questions, make sure that you are prepared to know the answers and ask yourself if you are willing to validate them with your husband.  Because, as I said, this person is likely not invested in helping you heal.  She’s more likely invested in helping herself (even if she isn’t aware of this or isn’t trying to hurt you) and her answers are likely going to reflect this.

In short, my advice is to limit yourself to the questions that help you heal and move forward rather than blurting out the questions to which the answers might hurt you more or delay your moving forward.

I know that this is probably just one issue that you are dealing with, but always put your healing first. If it helps, you can check out my blog that explains how I healed in my own situation.  There are also some very good free resources on this blog.

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives who are reeling from infidelity begin to believe that this is a nightmare from which you can never awaken. Once you accept the fact that your spouse has lied to and cheated on you, how can you ever come back from that? Once you have seen such a reality, there is absolutely no way to un-see it. So understandably, many wives begin to believe that recovery is going to be next to impossible, especially since they can only control their own actions, and not their husband’s.

A wife might say, “many of my friends and family describe me as an eternal optimist. I like to look on the bright side of things. It takes quite a lot to rattle me, but my husband’s affair has brought me to my knees. I have never been one to have any trouble getting out of the bed in the morning, but lately, I have been struggling. The rug has been pulled out from underneath me. The marriage I thought was mine has been a lie all along. I could not be more shocked or devastated. My husband tries to give me reassurances and explanations, but I don’t believe any of them. I wonder how I can ever trust him again. And yet, at the same time, I have two friends who have gone through infidelity. And both tell me that it is possible to recover. I so want to believe them. In fact, I can’t think of any obstacle in my life that I have been unable to overcome. Is it naive of me to think that I can overcome this, too? Is it possible to truly and completely recover from infidelity?”

The Ability To Recover: I personally believe that it is, especially if you carefully define “recover.” However, if you are hoping that one day you will completely erase the affair from your mind and never think of it again, then this is probably not realistic. With effort, it is going to be an event that will fade but will also be a part of your past and your experience on this earth just like any other hardship.

However, with healing, it can become a hardship that you no longer dwell upon. Let me put it this way. I consider myself completely recovered from a car accident that I had in the past. Specifically, I no longer suffer from headaches, dizziness, or the anxiety that gripped me for many months after the incident. However, on occasion, when I’m in a similar situation to the circumstances surrounding my accident, I will tense up for a second and then have to remind myself that I am fine and I will continue on to my destination without much fanfare. I can’t pretend that certain situations don’t bring up memories of my accident, but for the most part, I’ve moved up and can now efficiently deal with any issues that come up.

An affair is similar to this. Or at least it was for me. As long as you have given yourself the time, the resources, and the effort to heal, you may find that the affair is no longer consuming your life. You’ve healed. You’ve moved on. You have more important issues to worry about. That’s not to say that you deny its very existence, but like other hardships, it has made you stronger. You no longer need to visit it on a daily or even weekly basis. These things can be true whether or not you have remained in your marriage. Wives who stay with their rehabilitated husbands can recover. Wives who end their marriage can also recover. Recovery can be more about you and your own healing than it is about your marriage or about your husband. That is how it is possible to heal regardless of what your husband does. You eventually develop the confidence that you are going to be fine regardless.

Your friends aren’t lying to you. No one is going to tell you that an affair is fun or desirable, but it is something over which you can regain control and then move on.

When Naivety Sets In: I completely understand worrying about naivety. One can not possibly begin to understand affair recovery until one has attempted it herself. Sometimes, we begin the process with the expectation that we will tackle it in the same successful way that we overcome everything else only to find that this is a dilemma like no other. An affair can hurt worse than anything that you have experienced before. Even so, you can do this if you are willing to put in the time and the work.

I agree that it is naive to believe that this process is easy or quick. It is neither. It is also naive to think that you can just forget the affair or try to pretend that it didn’t happen or that it didn’t matter. In my experience and observation, none of these strategies work. But if you are willing to look hard at what lead you here and then put the safeguards in place to avoid a repeat, then yes, you can put this behind you and move on with a very productive life in which you can be quite content.

Unfortunate and hurtful things happen to human beings every day. Fortunately, resilience and self-preservation mean that most of us will dust ourselves off and not just survive, but eventually thrive. The fact that you sought out and are reading this article tells me that you have the potential to be in the latter category. So no, I don’t think that you are naive at all. In my own experience, yes, it is possible to recover. And having the confidence that this is possible is a huge plus.  You can read about my own recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Often, I hear reverse psychology discussed by the person who has cheated or had an affair. They will sometimes pretend to be indignant or justified in their actions in the hopes that the faithful spouse will follow along and not make a big deal about the affair. Needless to say, this approach often backfires. Faithful spouses often want to see remorse because it shows that the cheating spouse understands his mistake. The hope is that if the cheater understands the pain he has caused, he will be less likely to cheat again. So refusing to show remorse via reverse psychology can be a bad idea.

However, faithful spouses sometimes also consider using reverse psychology to get the remorse that they need and want to see. Here is an example: Someone might say, “I can’t seem to get control of the anger that I feel toward my cheating spouse. I constantly belittle and insult him because I now believe that he is a low-quality human being. He lied. He cheated. And now he’s trying to pretend that this was mostly my fault and that he was justified in this. No matter what I say or do, he refuses to humble himself by offering an apology or discussing how we are going to get out of this mess. He will claim that he doesn’t want a divorce, but then he will do or say absolutely nothing to back this up. It’s as if he just expects the aftermath of the affair to all magically go away or he expects me to just forget about what he did. One of our mutual friends has suggested that I use reverse psychology on him. She suggests that if I am pleasant to him, it makes it impossible for him to make me the villain. She says that this would take away the ammunition that he is using against me. She believes that by treating him badly, I am just giving him reasons to feel justified in cheating. Is she right? How does reverse psychology work?”

What Might Be A Better Alternative: Your friend may definitely have a point. However, I can tell you from experience that it can be difficult to pretend that all is well when everyone knows that it isn’t. So, sometimes, your spouse will know what you are doing the second you try to use reverse psychology on him and then he’ll just accuse you of playing games on top of everything else.

I believe that there is a better way. And that is to be genuine but to try to tone it down when you need to. Extreme anger over a long period of time hurts you as much as it hurts him. It can be very hard to keep this up and so you find yourself always looking at what is wrong instead of what is right. Needless to say, maintaining this type of intensity is exhausting and it brings down everyone involved.

Examples Of Toning It Down: In my own case, I was honest about my anger and my disappointment, but I was also open about my uncertainty concerning what I wanted to happen with my marriage. I didn’t pretend that I was going to leave my husband immediately. I was transparent about the fact that I was conflicted because of what a divorce would do to our family. But if I felt particularly angry one day, I didn’t try to deny it. However, I would try to keep to myself for part of the day because I didn’t want to make things worse. I didn’t feel this was a dishonest use of reverse psychology. I was just trying to limit the amount of negativity I was shoveling onto an already volatile situation.

At the same time, if issues kept coming up over and over, I would mention them because I wanted to give my husband (and my therapist at the time) the opportunity to address them. But I didn’t use the anger as a weapon and I was sincerely trying to address it so that I could eventually remove it.

The Real Difference: I hope that the distinction is clear. Some people completely lie when they attempt to use reverse psychology. They will pretend that they are fine when they aren’t. They will deny their anger or their struggles when both are present. They’ll put on a happy face that isn’t genuine. I don’t think that this type of deception is beneficial or healthy. You will eventually resent having to pretend. And, instead of feeling remorse, your husband might be lured into thinking that things are better than they actually are, which doesn’t improve the situation.

Do Not Create A Hopeless Atmosphere: Instead of focusing on doom and gloom, you want to try to take an objective view of what is going on with you and with your marriage. You have a right to your anger and disappointment and there’s no reason to pretend that these things don’t exist. But if all you are expressing are negative things, then the atmosphere becomes bleak and hopeless very fast. This is not a scenario that encourages anyone to want to save your marriage. Even if your husband truly wants to make this right, he may eventually get discouraged when he begins to feel that no matter what he does or says, he is always going to be met with hostility.

That is why it can be important to try to balance your anger with seeking help. In order to one day save your marriage, both spouses need hope that things can eventually get better. When you are consciously trying to be both honest but also healthy, you at least send the message that you are not a vengeful person and are trying to work through your anger for the benefit of everyone involved. It will be difficult for your husband to pretend to be justified in cheating on a wife who is reasonable.

I know that this can be a difficult standard to meet when you are so upset, but ask yourself if your anger is serving you or just continuing to cause you pain. The end plan should be to acknowledge the anger, to feel it, but to ultimately work through your issues so that you can let it go. This is not reverse psychology but is instead a healthy balance.  You can read more about how I got my husband to feel genuine remorse on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Unfortunately, some wives know or have to interact with the other woman. Perhaps she is a neighbor or former friend. She could even be a coworker with whom there has to be interaction. In whatever way the wife knows her, communications can be absolutely intolerable because the other woman can be quite smug about her perceived upper hand. She might think that she has something over the wife since she believes that the husband is hers. Because of this, the wife has no idea of the best way to approach her.

She might say, “I really want to do bodily harm to the woman my husband is having an affair with. However, she is my child’s teacher. So I cannot. But when we have to speak, she talks down to me, as though she is far superior and is having to lower herself to my level. She often acts as if she knows something that I don’t – as if she knows my child and my husband more than I do. She is so smug that I’d like to slap that smile off her face. How do I put her in her place in a way that doesn’t create a huge amount of drama? We already have tons of drama in our lives.”

Avoid Giving Her Any Satisfaction: Honestly, I would avoid her as much as I possibly could. I know that it might be impossible to avoid her entirely, but I see absolutely no benefit to interacting with her any more than you have to. She will bait you and then get satisfaction out of it.

Have Faith: As far as her getting what she deserves, you may not need to do anything at all. Here is why. Statistically speaking, most affairs end on their own – without your needing to lift a finger. Once the novelty wears out and the pressure and guilt mount, people can begin to see that it just isn’t worth the effort and the pain.

The Bleak Outlook: Even when the affair lasts for longer than it should, the other woman’s life is often no picnic. No matter how she may posture or what she may say, deep down, she will know that she is responsible for disrupting or even destroying lives. As a teacher, she is supposed to educate and protect children, not ruin their homes. If the other woman and husband end up in a long term relationship, your husband’s family and friends may not take kindly to her. They will all be well aware of how this couple met. They will know what she did to your child. Speaking of the child, the affair and / or the other woman will often get the blame for any struggles that child faces. If his grades drop, if he begins lashing out, if he one day struggles with mental health issues or his own romantic relationships, many will look at his broken family and point a finger. And who was the cause of that broken family? The other woman, of course. This doesn’t sound like a reason to be smug, does it?

Another issue that these other women deal with is trust. They know that they are with a man who was willing to turn his back on his family in search of a better deal. Sure, right now, she may think that she is “special.” However, that will fade. In time, she will begin to worry if the man who cheated WITH her will soon cheat ON her. If he did it once, what is to stop him from doing it again? Yes, she may try to tell herself that she will maintain a strong relationship so that he is never tempted to stray. But, let’s be real. ALL marriages and/or long term relationships will be challenged at some point.

Relationships that start as affairs have VERY low success rates. Think about it. The relationship has so much going against it. Everything may seem like fun and games at first. But eventually, people get hurt, finances are destroyed, and there is a huge price to pay. This high price can lead to resentment festering in an already fragile relationship. In time, the relationship that seemed so perfect can seem so doomed.

And when it all falls apart, she will know deep down in her heart that she has no one to blame but herself. She knew the family that she destroyed. She did it anyway. The man who she thought she “won” may well turn on her or end up being a cheater against her.

In the end, she may well end up with a destroyed reputation, a disastrous relationship, and the knowledge that her actions were inexcusable. Regardless of how smug she seems right now, this would be painful for anyone.

Envision This Future When You Interact And Then Take The High Road: My best advice would be to think of this very bleak picture the next time she acts superior around you. Don’t engage with her. Just have the knowledge that her position is very likely fleeting and short. So she may as well enjoy her perceived position at the top. It probably won’t last long. And even if it does, this scenario will have its own pain and misfortune. She will always be the woman who destroyed a family and damaged a child. There’s really nothing to envy about this.

It’s better to turn your attention away from her and put it on yourself and your own healing.  You can read about how I healed after my husband’s affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: One of the biggest concerns that spouses have about an affair is whether or not it is really and truly over. Some husbands will claim that it is, but their behavior is still a bit suspicious. Other husbands are very open about the fact that they are just not ready or willing to end the affair. Some will claim that they may re-commit to their marriage in time, but they insist on letting the affair “run its course” until it comes to a natural end. A small subset of men are very open in their belief that the affair is a real, loving relationship that is going to stand the test of time.

Most wives know that statistically speaking, affairs don’t typically last. But many are understandably afraid that their husband is speaking the truth – that he is in love with this person. Some of these wives begin to live in dread, worrying that the husband and the other woman will actually end up together for the long term. A wife might say, “my husband has not come right out and told me that he is in love with the other woman, but you only need to watch him to know that this is true. He is almost giddy when he has been with her. I always know when this is the case. He doesn’t even pretend that he is going to end the affair, although he has made no plans to separate or divorce. So I am wondering if I should initiate one. Because I don’t want to fight to hold onto to my marriage only to have the two of them get married and live happily ever after. What are the chances of this happening?”

As you probably already suspect, the chances of this happening are actually pretty low. Below, I’ll outline some statistics about affairs, tell you how the affair is likely to end and offer tips on what you can do to facilitate this.

The Average Duration Of An Affair: Before I get to the statistics, I want to clarify that the type of affair that I am talking about is not a one night stand or fling. I’m talking about the type of affair where people perceive that there are feelings involved. Even with these types of more serious affairs, the average duration is around six months. Half of these affairs end within a year. Forty percent last for more than a year and up to four years. Very few affairs last for longer than four years, but we all know couples who are now married and met while having an affair. This can and does happen. But it is rare. Yes, these time frames can seem frustratingly long, but very few last for a lifetime.

Most statistics say that less than 10 percent of affairs end up in marriage. Of those marriages, 75% will end in divorce within five years. Why? These couples split up for the same reasons that the affair ends in the first place.

Why Do Affairs End?: There are a few reasons that affairs can end. One of the most common reasons is that excitement begins to fade. This can either be a by-product of time or it can happen after the affair is discovered. When the parties are no longer sneaking around or pulling off a scam, then the novelty can wear off. In time, they can begin to see the truth of the situation and they can begin to see the flaws in the other person and in the relationship. Often, there is a high cost to having an affair. Once it is discovered, the cheaters can face a loss of respect and esteem. They may even have less access to their children or have to pay in terms of finances. All of these “losses” can sometimes lead to resentment toward the affair partner. Needless to say, this can dim the spark very quickly. Plus, these relationships often suffer from trust issues. When you met your significant other while cheating, how can you know that they won’t cheat on you?

What Part Does The Faithful Spouse Play?: In many ways, you can not influence what your spouse thinks or feels. BUT, nothing says you have to sit by and watch this happen in a passive way. If your spouse is dragging his feet to end the affair, you can’t necessarily force him to stop. But you can create consequences when he doesn’t. A cheating spouse should not have the benefits of both the marriage and the affair. If he chooses to continue having an affair, then he should enjoy no benefits of the marriage until the affair is over.

If he claims that he has ended it but that has clearly been under duress, then you are well within your rights to examine his behaviors and habits to make sure that his claims are true.

To put it plainly, do not indirectly give him permission to carry on this affair or make it easy for him to do so.

He may still insist on carrying it out, but if he does, then he can’t pretend that all is well with you. In the meantime, work on your own self-care and wishes. Do not put yourself on hold. When he finally realizes that he’s made a huge mistake, you will be in a position of strength.

To sum up, the odds are in your favor that the affair will last for less than six months. If it lasts for longer than this, it will most likely be over in less than a year. Only a very small percentage of affairs last for more than a year and an even smaller percent become long term. Of those, most end in divorce. You are much more likely to remain married (70 percent of couples do) than for your husband to have found “the one” in an affair. If it helps, you can read about my own recovery after my spouse’s affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives understandably want their cheating husbands to feel the pain, uncertainty, and loss that they feel. It is very normal to want revenge when someone cheats on you. Therefore, many people wonder about the “best” or “most effective” way to even the score. Many wives wonder if leaving their husband is the best way to accomplish this.

Someone might say, “To say that I am furious about my husband’s cheating on me is an understatement. He is lucky that I have not done anything very drastic. As it stands, I am thinking about leaving him. He is begging me to stay. He is spouting nonsense about how he can not live without me. So I perhaps I will make him do just that. Some of my friends say that he is just posturing about his love for me and that leaving him may give him exactly what he wants – the space and time to continue his cheating. This is the last thing that I want. What I truly want is for him to be deeply sorry for his actions and to realize just what he has potentially lost. Is leaving him the best way to accomplish this?”

Before I answer that, I want to tell you my theory on getting revenge after an affair. After you read it, you may think that I am delusional. But I promise if you give it some reflection, you might understand my thought process. I came to this conclusion after my own husband’s affair. And believe me, I too wanted revenge. I definitely thought about leaving my husband.

What I Learned About Revenge: It soon became clear that lashing out at my husband with the intention to hurt him only spread the devastation around. It did not make me feel any better in the long run. It made me feel like I too had committed a marital atrocity when I knew that I was better than this.

After thinking long and hard about it, the only thing that was going to make the aftermath of the affair salvageable was my own peace of mind. People who say that happiness is the best revenge are absolutely correct. I decided that how I was going to escape the situation with my own well-being intact was to focus on what was happening with me, not with what was happening with him.

I will let you in on a secret. One of the best things about this whole plan is that while you are busy with your own self-care and self-improvement, your husband will watch from the sidelines and wonder if the new, self-improved version of you is going to have any room for him in your life. That is up to you to decide.

Ask Yourself What You Really Want: As far as whether leaving is the best revenge, the answer depends on whether not being with your husband is going to make you happier or give you peace. If you are not invested in your marriage anymore and can’t get out fast enough, then leaving may devastate your husband. But honestly, that is not the point. It really comes down to what will make you more content with the situation as it stands right now.

If in the future you may want to try to repair or marriage (or see if this is even possible,) then leaving might actually add regret onto the feelings you are already struggling to deal with. If there’s even a chance that you want to see if your marriage is salvageable, then leaving means that you are hurting yourself as much as you are hurting him.

Instead, you are better off asking yourself what steps you can take to make yourself feel better rather than to make him feel worse. I did insist that my husband and I take some time apart because I needed time. However, I wasn’t leaving him because I was unsure about what I wanted at that time. If I had left him immediately, I would have closed off several options – and that may have made me felt worse in the long run.

Once I realized that hurling pain at him was like a boomerang that brought hurt came back to me, I began to think in terms of what I needed and wanted to feel better rather than what I could do to make him feel worse. Although my self-improvement path did make him insecure sometimes, this was not my intention, but it did have its benefits.

The Bottom Line: To answer the question posed, in my opinion, leaving is only a viable option for revenge if doing so will make you happy. If you make him miserable but hurt yourself in the process, what is the point? If you take the high road, make yourself as strong, as stable, and as superb as you can be, he will feel the full effect of EXACTLY what he has put at risk. In my experience, this is the best revenge of all because it strengthens you and it makes him see the truth of his mistake. I don’t know of anything that is better than this.

When my husband realized how valuable the woman and the marriage he put at risk truly were, I knew that I had won.  There’s more about that here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who have cheated on their spouses. Many are panicked because they now realize that they have put their marriage in jeopardy. Understandably, they are worried that their spouse may leave them. You may hear comments like, “My wife hasn’t packed her bags and left the house yet. But I suspect she might. I have never seen her so angry. But worse, I can tell that she is deeply disappointed because she never thought that I could do this to her. She looks at me with such sad eyes. I have tried apologizing, attempting to explain myself, and promising her that I will do whatever she wants moving forward. She will offer me no reassurances whatsoever. How can I tell if she is going to leave me? Why do some spouses leave while others stay?”

I will answer this as best as I can. I did stay in my own marriage, although my husband and I lived apart briefly. But I know many wives who left. I will explain what I think the differences are in the two decisions below.

Wives Who Stay See Even A Slight Hope For Healing Or Forgiveness: Many wives tell themselves that infidelity is a deal breaker from the moment they marry. They will often make this very clear to their husbands. However, sometimes, these wives do change their minds. Perhaps they see the sincerity in their husband’s promises at counseling or they want to take their time before deciding to leave their marriage. Some wives do not immediately act on the infidelity because they envision some scenario in the future where improvements could be made, even if they know that this may not happen right away.

Wives Who Leave May Not Have What They View As Incentive To Stay: I have been very honest about the fact that my children were initially my primary motivation for not getting an immediate divorce following the affair. I am not sure that I would have been willing to take that approach if I had not been a mother. But, I had people besides myself to think about. And I knew that growing up with a broken family was not what I’d envisioned for my children. So I decided to at least try to see if our marriage was salvageable. That way, I would always know in my heart that I did everything that I could to save my kids’ family.  If you don’t have kids, then you want to stress that you are still family.

Wives Who Leave Do Not Always Believe In Their Husband’s Sincerity: I know a good deal of wives who pursued a divorce after their husband’s infidelity. In some cases, this was not the first bout of infidelity. Some of these wives were definitely dealing with repeat cheaters. Understandably, each time the trust erodes, it is that much more difficult to get it back. Some wives just don’t want to try anymore when their husband seems not to have learned his lesson. Others don’t want to try even the first time because their husband doesn’t seem all that remorseful or sincere. In short, they don’t want to do all the work to save the marriage only to have him cheat again.

Wives Who Leave Do Not Believe There Is A Viable Plan For Rehabilitation: I know many wives who tried to make their marriages work for quite some time but who are no longer married today. Those wives finally gave up because, despite time and effort, nothing really changed. There was still anger, resentment, and confusion. Even if both spouses really wanted the marriage to work, neither saw much improvement over a fair amount of time.

If I have learned anything from my own situation and from watching others, it’s that you can’t just sit passively and hope for the best. You can’t just tell yourself that things will improve with time if you are not actively working to uncover why the cheating happened and then what you can do to keep it from happening again. You must have a concrete and workable plan for how you are going to restore trust and intimacy because you can not rebuild your marriage without these two things.

It would be wonderful if our marriages would just repair themselves with time and intention. But, in my experience, this is just not how it works.

Some Wives Who Leave Are Not Open To Anything Other Than Leaving: Most of us declare that if our spouse ever cheats, that is a deal breaker. However, there are some of us (like myself) who eventually reconsider for various reasons. Still, there are some people who are extremely firm on what they have already established as deal breakers and they do not deviate from this. The issue of infidelity is very cut and dry for them and they are unwilling to change their minds no matter what their husband does or says. If you are dealing with one of these wives, the best option is loving patience and time. It is very difficult to debate because these wives are firm in their beliefs.

Some Wives Leave But Then Come Back: Some couples temporarily spend time apart after cheating or an affair but come together later after the dust has settled. This was the case with me. I needed time to calm down, gain perspective, and regroup. I honestly think that taking this time was beneficial to me because it would not have gone well if my husband and I had been in constant close quarters immediately after the affair came to light.

If you are a husband who wants to be in this category, do everything in your power to show your sincerity. Do not minimize your wife’s concerns and feelings. Own up to your mistake. Have as much patience, compassion, and understanding as you can muster. Let her set the pace. Commit to counseling or some sort of workable rehabilitation plan and stick to it. It is very hard to heal without one. And that has got to be the goal – to help her, and your marriage, heal.  If you want to read about how we did this in our own marriage, you can visit my blog: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It is very common for spouses struggling after an affair to feel as if they are still living in turmoil for a long time after they’d hoped that they would be fine. You often give yourself a specific time limit in which to move on. But very often, that time is reached and passed and you can, at times, still feel very much in limbo. Even if you know that you have made progress or have been able to save your marriage, you still may not be totally at peace with the situation and you aren’t quite sure why.

Someone might say, “my husband’s affair was well over a year ago. For the most part, we made it. We are still married and I believe that we are doing okay. My husband did most of what I asked of him. Our marriage feels stable and solid for the most part. However, on some days, something or someone will remind me of the affair and I will sometimes feel rage come up or even some anxiety and uncertainty. When I am reminded of the affair (and this happens far too often) I find myself ruminating about it. I find myself admitting that I am not okay about it. And that I am not at peace. Will I always have to struggle with this? ”

I can tell you that I don’t think about my husband’s affair all that much anymore. But I certainly can’t claim that I never do. Certain dates or places will bring back memories. However, for the most part, these issues pass quickly and I don’t ruminate nearly as much as I used to. I believe that there are several reasons for my ability to find peace after the affair, which I will discuss below.

1. Know That You Are Not At Fault Or To Blame: One of the first steps toward my coming to peace with the affair was understanding that I was not the one who made the choice to cheat. This was my husband’s doing all the way. Sure, we did not have a perfect marriage, but we had a really decent one. And even if our marriage was horrible (which it wasn’t) that is no excuse. So I was able the remove myself from any self-blame. I knew that this wasn’t on me and that I wasn’t part of the equation, which helped me to be more objective.

2. Do The Work To Understand The Motivations Behind This: I believe that you can’t move on from an affair until you believe that you are not going to have to repeat this healing process. If you are always wondering or worrying that he is going to cheat again, then you honestly can never move forward. Being about to progress means that you understand why he cheated and you know that you’ve taken sound steps to ensure that all of the contributing factors are removed. It also helps to know that you’ve improved your communication so that if he is ever tempted, he will talk to you before he takes action. Knowing these safeguards are in place means that you don’t have constantly worry about this. So you can turn your attention to other things.

3. Have Confidence In Yourself To Handle Whatever Comes: Honestly, this is one of the biggest variables but it is one that is often overlooked. You can’t have peace if you are always afraid. I learned to challenge my dark thinking. I would think to myself “I know he’s going to cheat again.” And then I would challenge myself with, “well what if he did?” After working really hard on building myself up, I was able to say, “I would be fine because I know that I can depend on myself.” Once you get to this place, there is no need to constantly dwell on the negative. There is no need to borrow worry. Because you know that if the worst happens, you are competent enough to handle it.

4. No One Can Knows What Tomorrow Brings. Much Is Out Of Our Hands: Continuing on with the topic of buying worry, it doesn’t make sense to dwell on the future when you alone can not control it. Since there are two people in a marriage, trying to control every single aspect of it is going to be frustrating. Control what you can. But know that it’s possible that in five years, life may deal you another issue that needs your attention. You may be surprised to find that tomorrow, the affair isn’t on your radar as much as you feared.

5. Control What You Can: I know that I’ve just said that much about the future is outside of your control. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t attempt to get a handle on the issues that are within your control. You can certainly strengthen your marriage, improve your communication and negotiating skills, work on yourself, and focus on intimacy. The truth is, when you have a strong marriage, it is much easier to have faith in that and to let go of all of the worries. Knowing that you have done all you can means that you can step back and know that however it plays out, you did your part as well as you could have.

6. Know That Adversity Makes You Stronger: In the same vein as knowing you can handle whatever comes your way, making peace with adversity allows you to stop holding on so tightly. If you accept that hardships are inevitably going to come your way, also accept that many of them will be to your benefit because they will make you stronger and have important lessons to teach you. Looking at things in this light allows you to drop some of the dread.

7. Tell Yourself That This Too Shall Pass: I know that when you are still in pain about the affair, you think that this pain is going to be your constant companion. Most people would tell you that in time, it does get better. Humans have a way of dropping issues when they become too burdensome and when they repeatedly hold your back. After a while, you get very tired of always being afraid and on edge. It feels so much better to drop all of this baggage and tell yourself whatever will be will be. You will deal with issues as they come up, but you will enjoy yourself in the meantime.

When you spend all of your time worrying about tomorrow, you can not enjoy yourself today.  I learned that the hard way.  I have made my marriage as good as it can be and I enjoy every minute of it.  I am not going to rob myself of that pleasure by worrying about a tomorrow that may never come. It took me a long time to get here, but it feels fabulous.  You can read more about my recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Occasionally, people will admit to others (and to themselves) that in some ways, having an affair improved at least some aspects of their lives. With this realization, they aren’t exactly defending the affair, but they can’t deny or denounce these improvements, either.

Someone might explain, “this time last year, I was seriously depressed. I felt absolutely worthless. My marriage was awful. My health was deteriorating. My work suffered. Some days, I struggled to get out of bed. I tried antidepressants but they did not work for me. My husband would ask out loud where was the woman he married. He wasn’t happy. I wasn’t happy. Things were pretty bad in our home. In fact, I think that if nothing had changed, we may have been headed for divorce. But we struggled along for several months. And then a new co-worker arrived. We were assigned to work closely together and became very close friends. This man supported me through thick and thin and I regained my confidence. In a few months’ time, I was a new person. Yes, we eventually had a very short affair, but he got transferred. I know that it would have ended anyway. I did not want to leave my marriage, but this new relationship lit a new life in me and I’m frankly so grateful. Unfortunately, my husband found out about the affair. And now he associates the ‘new me’ with the other man. So he doesn’t like the new me any more. This is hurtful. I am not going to turn the page on the improvements that I have made. They gave me my life back and frankly, they gave me the possibility of getting my marriage back. Without the changes in me, I would have just languished in my life and would have been no wife to my husband. We would have ended up divorced. Now I am jovial and back to myself. I would be loving if my husband would let me. How do I get him to accept the improved me and make him believe that this is not solely due to the other man?”

Disconnect The Improvements And The Affair: Honestly, this is going to be a hard sell. But I do not think that it is impossible with a little finesse. I think you have to completely abandon associating your improvements with the other man and with the affair. As a wife who has dealt with a husband’s infidelity, there is no way that I would accept anything that the other woman or the affair offered my husband – even if these gifts were wonderful ones. I would reject them outright simply because they were fruit from the poisoned tree, so to speak.

Reframe: With the above said, perhaps if you could reframe the improvements, he might embrace them. If you could associate the changes to additional responsibilities at work that elevated your confidence, this might help. If you did anything else at the time to improve yourself – exercise, pampering, improvements in appearance, etc. then THIS is what you want to focus on.

In short, you want to focus on the fact that you made yourself a priority and this, in turn, elevated your confidence in your ability to handle yourself in the workplace and at home. You can also keep up the self-improvement now so he can see that you were and are serious about this.

Don’t Make It All About You: Please don’t take this the wrong way. I am giving you my best input as someone who has gone through what your husband is going through. Try to make sure he knows that you are thinking about the two of you as a couple right now. If you are coming at him only talking about the changes to you, then he might not be as receptive as if you talked about “us.” Right now, your marriage needs to be a huge priority. And your marriage consists of two people, not just one. So it’s very important that your husband understand that improvements to you equal improvements to the marriage (and in turn benefit him.) It can be hard for him to see this if you are mostly talking about yourself. Make sure he hears you also talking about him and about your marriage.

Use Caution When Necessary: You want to be very careful that you don’t look like you’re trying to use your improvements as justification for the affair. In his eyes, there is no justification and he will resist any implication that there is.

Instead, approach him as someone who is grateful for personal improvements because they will make your a better wife with a stronger marriage who is happier in general. Then, keep showing him that you prioritize self – improvement on your own so that it’s actually feasible that you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps without the affair. In fact, do not bring the affair into it. One thing does not need to be tied in with another.

Actually, my husband’s affair did bring about some beneficial changes in our marriage and I am actually grateful for those. But I greatly resist associating these things with the affair, so I will often reframe it in my own mind. This is what you’ll have to help your husband accomplish, but I know that it is possible.  You can read all about our recovery here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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