Why Won’t My Husband Just Be Honest About His Affair? Here’s Some Potential Reasons

By Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who can’t get their husbands to be honest about his affair.   Sometimes, the husband has admitted to cheating but he’s trying to diminish or downplay the severity of it.  Other times, the husband is flat out denying he had an affair even though the wife knows that he did or has evidence to prove it.  This can be beyond frustrating for the wives who know part of the truth but who are demanding the whole story.  Because they need for their husbands to just be honest, to have some integrity, and to just tell the complete truth.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband admitted to cheating with a coworker, but I have recently learned that it was much more than cheating.  It was an affair.  The other woman and I have spoken at length about this and they were cheating for about four months.  And, according to her, my husband seemed to be pretty serious about her and about their relationship.  Not only that, but I’ve found hotel receipts and cell phone records which indicate that this was an ongoing thing. And yet, when I try to talk to my husband about the affair, he insists that it was only a short term fling, that it didn’t mean anything, and that I just need to let it go and move on.  Frankly, I can’t and won’t do any of these things until he starts being honest with me.  Why can’t he just be honest?  Is there anything that I can do to make him tell me the whole truth?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

There Are Many Reasons That Husbands Aren’t Honest About The Affair.  Here’s A Few: As maddening as this situation is, it really isn’t all that uncommon.   Men are often either dishonest or elusive about their affair because they know that if they tell you the whole truth, then you are going to be more angry, will have more questions, and will experience more pain.

I would say that the biggest reasons that men who visit my blog give me for being elusive or dishonest about the affair is that they know if you have all of the facts, you are going to have even more questions to which you are going to demand more answers.   They know that what they have to tell you is only going to make you angry and, frankly, is going to make things worse and delay you’re getting over this and moving on.

What they don’t realize though is that most women aren’t just going to give up on their need for the truth.  The husband’s refusing to be honest only makes you want to know that much more.   Often, their refusal to just show some truthfulness and integrity is what actually makes their situation worse – not their silence.  Because many wives will assume the worst anyway.

Another reasons that men are often dishonest is because they are simply ashamed.  Now that they are caught, they often play back the series of events in their minds and they’re often are quite embarrassed and ashamed at how they have acted.  So, they want to move past this embarrassment and push it down as much as they possibly can.  But, if they share this information with you, they suspect that you are going to keep bringing it up, are going to keep demanding answers, and these two things mean that they’ll have to deal with their embarrassment and shame for much longer.

Finally, sometimes they think that their dishonesty is actually protecting you.  Sometimes, they worry about what will happen if you know about or try to confront the other woman.  Or they know that your digging deeper is going to cause you more pain. So they figure if they can force you into just stopping with all of the questions, your healing and your escape from pain will happen more quickly.

Is There Any Way To Make Your Husband Be Honest About His Affair?: Well, as I see it, there are a few options here.   You can either try to collect and confront him with proof (which obviously can cause more conflict.) Or, you can try to convince him that it’s in his own best interest to tell you the truth (and is also the right thing to do.) Another option is to insist that you can and will obtain information on your own whether he likes it or not .

So which strategy do I think is better?  Well, that depends on how you want to proceed with your marriage.  If you think there’s a possibility of saving your marriage, then you are much better off trying to get his cooperation.  If you are going to end your marriage anyway, then there’s really no need to continue to dialog with him when you likely don’t trust his response anyway.

But if you think that somewhere down the line your marriage might just stand a sliver of a chance, then it’s best to try to convince him that he really does want and need to show some honestly and he wants to demonstrate his integrity.

How To Convince Your Husband That He Should Tell You The Truth About His Affair: Although I know that it’s very tempting to have a very strong reaction and to demand answers in a very forceful or threatening way, doing so often won’t get you the answers that you want.  So, as challenging as it may be, it’s often to your benefit to convince him that he really does want to work with you.  So, I suggested that the next time this husband began making his denials that that the wife knew just aren’t true, she might consider saying something like: “listen, we both know that you’re not being completely honest right now.  It’s obvious that you’re either reluctant, scared, or unwilling to tell me the truth.  The thing is, I’m very determined to find out the entire truth.  I am going to get answers, but I would much rather get them from you.  I would much rather hear difficult things from you than from a stranger or from digging on my own.  I know that what you tell me might be difficult for me to hear or might even temporarily make things worse.  But I can not stress enough that I need to hear it anyway.  And I need to hear it from you. In order for me to start to heal, I need to know that you cared enough to be completely honest with me.  Are you willing to do that?”

This approach doesn’t always get the exact result that you want immediately or at first.  But if you keep at it with a calm attitude and focused determination, many men will realize that there just isn’t another way – especially if they too want to save the marriage.

It took a while before my husband decided that he needed to tell me the complete truth. Eventually, I was able to convince him that this was something that had to happen in order for me to heal.  And I did eventually heal so well that our marriage survived and is in fact better than it ever was.  If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Getting Over a Spouse’s Affair: Tips On Getting Over This And Moving On

by Katie Lersch: I often have spouses who tell me that they don’t think that they will ever be able to truly get over their spouse’s affair. They tell me that they feel like this one event put their entire life into a downward spiral that they aren’t sure that they can ever recover from. They often don’t even know how to begin to start healing when they feel so very defeated.

I do understand all of these feelings as I felt them myself. But, I can also tell you that it’s entirely possible to recover from this and to “get over it” once and for all. Sometimes, this includes remaining married to your spouse, and sometimes it doesn’t. The optimal and most healthy outcome is very individual for each person. But, there is no reason to let someone else’s actions change the way that you feel about yourself or to change the outcome and enjoyment of your life. I’m not saying that making your way back from this is going to be easy, but it most certainly can be done. I will discuss this more in the following article.

If You Can’t Stand To Be Around Your Spouse Or To Deal With Their Affair Right Now, Place The Focus On Yourself: People sometimes tell me that they feel so conflicted and feel such anger and pain every time they see their spouse. They often feel anger and resentment that overtake everything else in their life. These negative feelings often feed upon themselves and seem to just make things worse.

In the meantime, you often have your spouse giving you all sorts of explanations or apologies and making you all sorts of promises and excuses. These things may well be completely sincere. Your spouse may well be hurting too. But, often, you just can’t deal with their issues while you yourself are struggling. And, there is nothing wrong with telling your spouse that you just need some time for yourself to sort things out until you are ready to deal with the additional issues that the affair has brought forward.

Unfortunately, you will often have to take care of and protect yourself because no one else is going to do it, since there can be a lot of turmoil and confusion during this time. It’s so easy to put yourself on the back burner. But I can say with complete confidence that if you do this, you will only impede your own progress, and you may well prolong your own pain.

None of this is your fault. You are in this situation because of someone else’s mistake and because of someone else’s very unfortunate decision. Unfortunately, you can not change this, nor do you have any control over it. However, you have quite a bit of control over how you handle things from here. And, one of the kindest things that you can do for yourself is to give yourself the time that you need. Do not allow yourself to be rushed or to be pushed to make any decisions until you are ready to do so. You will sometimes need to very clearly spell this out for your spouse, who will often be quite desperate to have a fast resolution.

Surround yourself with people who are going to support you without judgment or commentary. Honestly, I can not stress how important it is that you choose these people very wisely. So many people will tell their friends and family about their spouse’s affair, and regret this later when feelings change. Or, they will choose a friend whose spouse was unfaithful also, and this friend will stress how she was never able to get over it and how it ruined her life.

This is not the type of support that you need. You really do need to focus on the people and the things that are going to strengthen you and will reassure you that you are valuable and special, that this is not your fault, and that you matter. You need to know that you are every bit as beautiful, competent, and desirable as you were before you found out about the affair. These things about you have not changed, but your perceptions about yourself likely have.

It’s so important to do whatever you need to do in order to build yourself up so that you feel good about yourself and are confident that you can handle what is in front of you and can make sound choices about what you want and deserve. It’s my observation and experience that women who are able to maintain and restore their self-esteem have a much easier time “getting over” their spouse’s affair than those women whose self-esteem has taken a huge hit.

The Most Important Things You’ll Need To Get Over The Affair: Other than a healthy self-esteem and a clear ability to see and ask for what you want and need moving forward, there are a few more things that many wives need in order to really move forward. You will often need to understand those things that contributed to the affair. Now, by saying this, I’m not implying that you should take any blame onto yourself. You should not. But if you can see where your marriage was vulnerable and you can fix it, then this will allow you to have confidence that you don’t have to worry about it happening again.

Also, you usually have to come to a point where you can believe that your marriage can survive (if you want to save it) and that you can eventually thrive in the months and years to come. If there is one secret to this whole “getting over the affair” business, it’s restoring your happiness and well-being. Once you can do that and can do whatever you need to do to come to a place where you are feeling joy and are at peace again, then you really have no reason to continue to dwell on or revisit the affair. In short, you have no reason to continue to live in the past because you are enjoying and are happy in your present, and are looking forward to the future again.

I struggled greatly with truly and completely getting over my husband’s affair, but I am now whole. And I AM happy in the present day, so I really have no reason to dwell. I share how I was able to heal and thrive after my husband’s affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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How Do You Rebuild Trust After an Affair — When You’re Not Sure You Ever Can?

By: Katie Lerch: If your spouse had an affair and you’re still standing — still trying, still considering giving the marriage a second chance — then you’re already doing something incredibly brave. But you may not feel very brave. You may feel naive, or feel confused, exhausted, and constantly asking yourself, “How can I ever trust him again? Am I being a fool to even think I can?”

You’re not alone in that. Rebuilding trust after an affair is one of the hardest things a couple can face. And if you’re unsure whether it’s even possible — that’s completely normal. I’ve talked with so many women who say, “I want to trust him again. I want to believe it won’t happen again. But I just… can’t. Doing so would make me an idiot.”

Let’s take a look at what they might take – assuming that is what you want.

Know That Trust Isn’t a Decision. It’s a Process: A lot of people will tell you to “just forgive and move on.” That’s not how this works. And those people are not walking in your shoes. So you can safely ignore them.

Rebuilding trust after betrayal isn’t like flipping a switch. It’s more like gluing a shattered vase back together — one tiny, delicate piece at a time. There are going to be cracks. There will be days when it all feels like it might fall apart again. But with patience and consistency, it can start to feel whole again — even if it never looks exactly the same.

The keyword here is consistency. Your spouse will need to show you, day after day, that they are safe, reliable, and honest. You will be waiting and waiting. As your spouse shows you that he is doing exactly what he said that he would, you may feel more comfortable in trusting, but this takes time and patience.

You’re Allowed to Need Repeated Reassurance: This is something I wish more betrayed spouses were told: You are not “crazy” for asking questions. You are not “clingy” for needing to check. You are not “controlling” for needing transparency. These things are your right for the hand you’ve been dealt.

You’ve been lied to. Probably more than once. Your instincts have been shaken. So it’s not only understandable that you’d need reassurance — it’s healthy. You wouldn’t be doing your due diligence otherwise. In fact, in the couples I’ve seen recover the strongest, the betrayer understands that rebuilding trust means being radically transparent — and offering reassurance even when it’s inconvenient.

If your spouse responds with defensiveness, impatience, or guilt-tripping, that’s a red flag. And he needs to reverse course if he is serious about rebuilding the trust.

But if he leans in with empathy, remains accountable, and says things like, “I know I caused this. I’m here to earn back your trust, however long that takes,” then that shows promise. And it is important to see the difference.

You Don’t Have to Pretend You’re Fine Or Over It No Matter Where You Are In The Process: One of the most painful things about trying to rebuild after an affair is the pressure to “move on” before you’re ready. Sometimes even your spouse — or well-meaning friends or family — will say things like: “If you chose to stay, you have to let it go.” Or “You’ll drive yourself crazy if you keep bringing it up.” Or  “He’s doing better now. Why can’t you?” Tune all of this out.

Because here’s the truth: healing isn’t linear. You might feel hopeful one day, and devastated the next. That’s not a setback — that’s trauma. Betrayal trauma takes time. There will be triggers. There will be tears months (even years) after the affair ends. That doesn’t mean you’re not healing. It means you’re human.

You’re allowed to grieve at your own pace. And if your spouse truly wants to earn back your trust, they will make space for that grief, without making it about their guilt. Both of you will have to be patient. This often just takes time and showing up, and doing the work by other parties.

Trust Isn’t Just About What They Do. It’s About What You Need: Part of rebuilding trust isn’t just watching what they do — it’s tuning into what you need. What does safety look like to you now? What boundaries need to be put in place? What helps you feel calm, informed, and respected?

Examples of things that wives in this situation often need are: daily check-ins for a while, access to digital devices or accounts, agreements about contact with the affair partner (if applicable), emotional presence — not just physical, and an ongoing dialogue about what was broken and how you will fix it (hint YOU were never broken. He made the mistake of cheating. So the responsibility of fixing it lies on his shoulders.)

You get to define what rebuilding trust looks like for you. It’s okay to have conditions. It’s okay to say, “This is what I need in order to stay and feel safe.” And it is up to him to rise to the occasion.

Eventually, Trust Becomes a Choice, But Not a Blind One: There may come a time — weeks, months, or even years from now — when you realize that you’ve gathered enough evidence, felt enough change, and experienced enough repair to start choosing trust again.

That doesn’t mean you forget. It doesn’t mean you stop being aware. But it does mean you stop living in a constant state of fear.

That moment may feel small at first, like laughing together without thinking about the affair. Or sleeping through the night without checking his phone. Or feeling love again without pain riding its coattails. You’ll know it when it comes. You won’t need to force it.

You’re Allowed to Take This One Day at a Time. You Have Every Right To Protect Your Heart: Rebuilding trust is a long, sometimes frustrating process. But it’s one that many couples do get through — not just surviving, but actually thriving on the other side. Not because they went back to what they had before — but because they built something more honest, deeper, and more intentional than before, because they did MUCH emotional labor to get their.

It’s okay to still be in limbo. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him again, but I’m willing to see if I can.” That willingness is powerful. And it’s enough for today. There is nothing wrong with watching and waiting to see if your husband will rise to the occasion. I certainly did. And I am still married today. If you want to read about how I healed after my husband’s affair, that story is at https://surviving-the-affair.

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My Husband Doesn’t Understand How His Affair Affected Me

by: katie lersch: I often hear from wives who are struggling to make their husbands understand just how devastating and far reaching his affair truly was. Many wives struggle with making their husband understand that moving on or getting over the affair is going to take far longer (and much more work) than the husband may have realized.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband’s affair has been over for about three months.  It’s becoming obvious that he feels like my time to grieve and process this is up.  He wonders aloud when I’m going to recover and for how much longer I’m going to “dwell on” the affair or on the past.  He often makes comments like ‘the past is in the past.  Now it’s time to move on and start again.  We can’t life our lives always dwelling on the past or dredging up the pain from yesterday.’   It’s as if he thinks that I should just turn off my feelings or quiet my doubts because he’s tired of having to deal with my pain.  He doesn’t seem to understand how his affair affected me and continues to affect me.  It floored me.  It hurt me deeply.  It made me question my judgment, my marriage, and my ability to trust and to love.  I no longer feel like the same person in the same marriage.  I am trying to improve and move forward, but I certainly don’t like feeling rushed or being made to feel as if I’m not making progress fast enough.  I don’t think that any of this is fair.  How is it right that he gets to hurt me this way and then get impatient as I try to recover?  How can I make him understand how his affair affected me so that he has more patience during my recovery? Because every time I try to explain this to him, he says I’m dwelling on the past or holding onto the pain.”  I’ll address these concerns in the following article.

Actions That Probably Won’t Make Your Husband Understand How His Affair Affected You: Before I get into some things that might help with this situation, I’d like to go over some very common reactions and strategies, that, although understandable, often don’t work all that well.  Many wives will wonder if having their own affair will “force” their husband to see just how it feels to be cheated on.  So, many will consider cheating (or at least making their husband think that they are.)  I so rarely see this work or even not turn out to be a disaster. The husband is often so angry that he’s not in any position to feel any empathy for or try to understand the wife any better.  And the wife will often have even more baggage to carry and even more feelings and struggles to deal with.

Another thing to wives are often tempted to try in this situation is to attempt to communicate in a very dramatic way so that their husband has no choice but to listen or pay attention.  A wife will often tell me that she finally explodes and begins yelling things like: “do you have any idea how this feels?  Do you have any idea what it’s like to know that your spouse who was supposed to love, honor and cherish you slept with someone else?  Do you any idea what this does to your self esteem and your ability to trust?”  Although these are all valid questions which often might cause your husband to slow down and think, we often say them in such a way that he feels defensive rather than sympathetic.

Understand Why Your Husband Probably Doesn’t Completely Want To Know Or Understand Just How Deeply His Affair Affected You: Here’s something else I’d like for you to consider.  Even if your husband doesn’t realize this,  he often has a vested interested in downplaying just how devastating his affair has been to you.  He usually already feels a lot of guilt and remorse about his actions.  And he really wants to believe that you and will recover because this helps to alleviate some of his guilt.

So if he has to face the difficult truth that you are still hurting, still struggling, and not yet recovered from actions that he set into motion, then he still has to feel those negative feelings of guilt, shame and remorse all over again.  Often, the husband who cheated wants to feel better and wants to recover in the same way that his wife does.  But part of his being able to feel better about himself means that you feel better too.  So he’s often reluctant to admit or acknowledge when this isn’t happening.  But you can sometimes use this knowledge to your advantage.

Tips On How To Make Your Husband Understand The Multiple Ways That His Affair Has Affected You: I understand that you are extremely motivated to get your husband to understand the way that you feel and why you’re struggling.  But  you are more likely to get the result that you want if you can deliver the message with calm, measured words so that it’s clear that you’re not trying to hurt him, but are merely trying to make him understand you better.

So, at time when emotions aren’t boiling over and you are as calm as is possible, you might consider saying (or writing) something like:  “I know that both of us just want to feel better and want to move on.  I want that too.  But I want for you to understand why I’m struggling because of how deeply this affair has affected me.  I’m not telling you this to make you feel worse or continue to pin point blame.  My intention is for you to understand what I’m feeling so that hopefully you can help me to move forward so that we can both feel some relief eventually. But please understand that your affair has made me reluctant to trust you and my own perceptions.  I do want to move on and to trust again, but this is a struggle for me because when I did those things before, I was betrayed.  And I’m reluctant to offer my trust again because I never want to feel this type of pain again in the future.  This has made my doubt myself, my own desirability, and our ability to put our marriage first before we make decisions that might destroy it.  I’m not telling you this to paint a negative picture or to insinuate that we can’t or will never recover.  I just want for you to know how and why I’m struggling so that you will have patience with me and help me to move past this.  I’m asking you to imagine that it was you who were the one who was betrayed before you’re critical of my progress or lose your patience with me.”

I know that making him understand you and your struggles is difficult.  But sometimes, you just have to keep moving forward while continuing to have patience with yourself and demanding that you be given the time and space to heal.  Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, after a long struggle, I did eventually truly get over the affair. It didn’t happen overnight, but I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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What Makes A Husband Want To Come Home After Having An Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: Much of the correspondence that I get comes from wives who are dealing with the aftermath of their husband’s affair. Some of them are dealing with husbands who are begging to be forgiven and so the wife has to decide what she wants. Others are dealing with a husband who continues to act in very undesirable ways, whether that means he continues to cheat or whether he moves out of the home and stays away from the family.

Wives in the latter situation can feel a bit helpless. Many wives are dealing with a husband who has left home. So these wives aren’t seeing any remorse. They aren’t able to witness their husband’s thought process and they are not privy to his wishes. And so even if they are not yet sure about their marriage or their path, they may begin to wonder what it might take to make their husband want to come home or to want to reach out – even if they aren’t yet sure where his return ultimately may lead.

A wife might say: “my husband no longer lives with the family. He cheated and I found out. I did not kick my husband out. But I was very angry and we could not communicate without having very nasty arguments, so he left. We talk occasionally. He swears that the affair has ended, but obviously I have no way of knowing if this is true. He doesn’t talk about why he’s away, but I would guess that it’s because things are so volatile with us and ended up being so nasty. Now that I have had time to calm down, I would like for him to come back so that we can see where we are and what we want. I feel that him being away is just making our problems worse. How can we possibly work things out if we don’t see each other? I was talking about this with a friend and she said that I need to consider that perhaps he does not want to come back. If this is true, what can I do to make him come back? What makes a man want to come home after an affair?”

Before I answer that, I want to stress that I think that, without any doubt at all, your best best is to worry more about what YOU want and what will make YOU want him back. Because your feelings and your wishes are every bit as important as his, if not more so, simply because he is the one who took the action that caused this whole chain of events. Moving forward, there are generally things that happen that cause both spouses to rethink things. I will outline some of them below, but only with the caveat that the focus shouldn’t be on making things OK for him only. They should be on making things OK for you and then, if you ultimately choose, for both of you together.

He Understands That His Problems Didn’t Go Away By Leaving: Many men will have an affair at a time of deep reflection in their lives – perhaps after a crisis. Whether they realize it or not, many have an affair as a means to make things better or to relieve some pain. They follow this path like the pied piper, sure that it is going to improve their lives. And it may appear that this is working, at least for the short term. But an affair is often not sustainable. It doesn’t fix the crisis for the man because it is internal – inside of himself. Once he realizes this, there is no longer any reason to carry out the affair or to stay away, unless he chooses to continue on with this self – delusional thinking.

They Sense Something In Their Spouse Or With Their Situation That Makes Them Hope That They Won’t Be Rejected: Many husbands stay away because they know that life is going to be hard on them once they get back home. They know that they will have to look at their wife and face up to the pain that they have caused. They know that the running away is over. And they may fear that they will try to come home, only to have their spouse reject them. So when they have conversations or thought processes that provide some reassurance, this can nudge them toward coming home because they feel a little more safe in doing so.

No one wants to move toward a situation where they are going to be continuously rejected or where they are going to fail. Sure, there is no guarantee for anyone that a reconciliation is going to happen or that they are going to be welcomed with open arms. But sometimes a man is willing to come home when he feels that there is even the slightest chance that this might happen.

Many men get to a point where they realize their mistake and they know that the path forward is not going to be easy. But, at the same time, they know that they deserve their path because they themselves chose it. And so they gather their integrity and they try to face their wife in the hopes that something can be salvaged. They know that they may have to swallow their pride and withstand some anger and resistance. But ultimately, they decide that all of this is worth it because they realize the gravity of their mistake and they want to make things right again.

There isn’t always one event that brings this about. Often, it is time combined with him looking around and having the realization that the whole thing turned out very poorly and that it is all his fault. Since only he can control his thoughts and realizations, you can’t really control the time line or progression of this process. It has to come within him. But you can create the environment that is conducive to it by being cordial while still being authentic to yourself.

I came to realize that taking care of ME and focusing on what I wanted actually did have a positive impact on my husband.  I was demonstrating how I expected to be treated by the way that I was treating myself.  Once this shift happened, the healing began.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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How Can I Decide If I Should Leave My Cheating Husband? What Things Should I Consider?

by Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are unsure if they should stay or go after finding out their husband has been cheating. On the one hand, they are angry and devastated and often want to flee the situation as quickly as possible. But, on the other side of the coin, they often have children or have worked too hard on and invested too much in the marriage to just walk away from it. Not only that, but many have to admit that, despite the cheating, they love their husbands and don’t really want to leave. But, they worry that they will lose their self-respect if they stay with someone who has cheated on them.

There often isn’t one answer that fits every situation. There are many variables that go into the decision of whether you should stay with or leave a husband who has cheated on you. I will go over many of these variables in the following article.

Is Your Husband Sorry For His Cheating? Is He Willing To Take Responsibility For His Actions? Is He Willing To Make Things Right Again?: So much of saving a marriage after cheating and infidelity lies with how much the cheater is willing to take the initiative to rehabilitate the situation. Sure, one spouse can make some improvements and can control their own actions. But, in my own observation, the cheating spouse has to eventually come to a place where he can convince the faithful spouse that he is sincerely sorry and is willing to take quick and decisive action to fix this.

Now, some cheating spouses will sort of try to feel you out in the beginning just to see what they can get away with. They might try to move past all of this quite quickly because the aftermath is uncomfortable for them. So they will see if they can rush you to move on without really doing to necessary work in order to fully heal this issue. Sometimes, you will just have to call them on this and tell that although you might be willing to stay and save the marriage, you aren’t going to be willing to move forward until they show genuine remorse and work with you to come up with an acceptable plan to fix this and to ultimately strengthen the marriage and regain the trust.

Are You Willing To Believe That, With Time And Work, The Marriage Can Return To A Healthy Place So That The Trust Can Be Restored?: Yes, most of the responsibility for convincing you to stay lies with your husband, since he is the one who cheated. But, as unfair as it might sound, you will need to make some concessions too. There will usually come a time when you will have to do some soul searching and will have to make some very difficult decisions. At some point, you may have to ask yourself if you’re willing to suspend some of your resentment and doubt and be open to the idea that the marriage truly can be rehabilitated.

I know that you may not believe it now, but countless marriages are able to not only survive, but to thrive after one spouse cheated. The couples who are able to accomplish this work very hard to gradually reestablish the trust, intimacy, and confidence that they really are going to be able to be happy again. Not only that, but after all they have been through, they have usually learned how important honesty and being very open and direct are to a strong marriage.

Do You Believe That In The Long Run It Is Better For Your Health And Happiness To Be With Him Or To Be Without Him?: This is the million-dollar question, of course. People will often make all sort of lists and arguments that they come up with from their heads. But, at the end of the day, it’s usually the heart that wins out. Sometimes, you really have to ask yourself what you really want without worrying about what you “should” do or worrying about what other people think.

And, you have to ask yourself if you are willing to push very hard for the remorse and rehabilitation that is necessary. Ultimately, you have to come to believe that you are worth this and that you deserve it. (Sometimes, you will have to work on your self-esteem in order to get to this place.) I’ve seen many couples who ultimately decide to call it quits in part because the faithful spouse stood silent instead of asking for what they really wanted or needed.

Unfortunately, your husband can’t read your mind and often doesn’t intuitively know what is going to make this better for you. There are times when you might have to spell this out for him and make it a condition of your staying. Sometimes, this really is all it takes to get what you want. If not, then at least you know that you did everything that you could before deciding to leave because of his cheating.

There was a time when I thought I would never get over my husband’s affair and that we could never save our marriage. I truly had to learn to be assertive, set boundaries, and ask for what I want. It wasn’t always easy or comfortable, but I did it. You can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.

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How Do I Know If My Marriage Can Survive An Affair? Some Questions To Ask

By: Katie Lersch:  If you’re reading this, I’m guessing there’s been a betrayal in your marriage — and now you’re facing that gut-wrenching question no one ever wants to ask: Can we actually survive this? I wish I could give you a straight yes or no. But the truth is, whether a marriage can survive an affair depends on so many things — and some of them might surprise you.

I’ve spoken with women (and men) about this topic over the years, many of whom were standing exactly where you are right now — devastated, confused, and desperate for some sort of clarity. What I’ve learned is that while no two situations are exactly alike, there are some common things to look for that offer insight into whether a marriage stands a real chance of surviving infidelity.

Here’s a look at some of the questions that can help you get the right answers:

Is There Genuine Remorse — or Just Regret Over Getting Caught?
One of the biggest indicators of whether a marriage can survive an affair is the way the cheating spouse responds after it comes to light.

There’s a difference between:

“I’m sorry you found out this way.”

And: “I’m devastated by what I’ve done to you and our marriage. Please let me make this right again.”

True Remorse Doesn’t Just Sound Different — It Feels Different. A truly remorseful spouse will often take full accountability (no blaming you or the marriage,) show real empathy for your pain, and express a genuine willingness to do whatever it takes to repair the damage.

If the apology feels shallow or forced — or if the unfaithful spouse is minimizing what happened — those are red flags you will need to over. You can’t rebuild a marriage if this very serious issue is still being denied or dismissed.

Is the Affair Completely Over — And Is There Total Transparency Now?: This one’s non-negotiable. It’s a potential deal breaker if the answer is no.  You can’t heal from a wound that’s still being reopened behind your back. If the affair is still ongoing (even emotionally or sporadically) or if your spouse is hesitant to give you access to their phone, email, social media, or whereabouts, it’s going to be incredibly difficult to restore trust.

I’ve seen couples make it through even long-term or emotionally intense affairs — but only after complete severance from the third party, and a new commitment to the marriage and transparency.

Transparency isn’t about control — it’s about rebuilding something that was lost and shattered. And in the early stages, it’s completely normal for the betrayed spouse to need frequent reassurance. That sometimes means coming along behind him and checking his communications. That doesn’t mean you’re weak — it means you’re trying to find your footing again and it means you want to make sure you are truly starting with a clean slate.

Are Both of You Willing to Do the Work (Even When It’s Hard And Seems Impossible At Times)?: Some people think that once the affair is over, things should “go back to normal” as quickly as is feasible because no one wants to live in constant discomfort.

But the truth is, your old normal probably wasn’t working. That doesn’t mean you’re to blame — not at all — but it does mean that things have changed so dramatically since the affair that it’s sometimes just impossible to go back to where you were before. Healing requires both of you to look honestly at how you got here, to be sure. But let’s be clear. The responsibility for making it right is on him.

That might mean having difficult, raw conversations, counseling if you both want to do it, sitting with your own pain and your partner’s discomfort, not stopping until you rebuild the trust, and moving forward as you are able.

The couples who make it are usually the ones who don’t rush the process. They understand that healing from an affair isn’t a quick fix — it’s a marathon. But if both partners are committed to that journey, it can lead to a stronger, more honest marriage than before.

Is There Still Love And Commitment, Even Underneath the Hurt?: I can’t tell you how many people have told me, “I hate what he did, but I still love him.” Or, “I never thought I’d still want to fight for this, but I do.”

Love doesn’t always disappear after an affair. Sometimes it goes into hiding. Sometimes it shows up in strange ways — like in your willingness to have one more conversation, or your decision to stay even when every part of you wants to run (assuming you get what you need to heal.

Your feelings for him don’t just turn off because of this one mistake. But you don’t have to know exactly what you feel right now. But if there’s even a small part of you that believes the connection is still there — that the person you married is still somewhere behind the betrayal — that’s worth exploring IF you decide that what’s you want to do for YOU.

Can You Eventually Forgive — Even If You’ll Never Forget?: Let’s be honest — you’ll probably never completely forget. I haven’t. The memory of the affair may always be a chapter in your story. But forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending it didn’t happen. It means choosing not to let it define your future.

That doesn’t happen overnight. And it shouldn’t be forced. Forgiveness is a process — one that often includes anger, grief, confusion, and even distance. But the ability to move toward forgiveness, even slowly, is one of the strongest indicators that healing is possible. You may not want to have anything to do with him right now, but as long as you are open to it down the road – that’s enough.

It’s Okay If You Don’t Have All the Answers Yet: Some days you’ll feel hopeful. Other days you’ll feel broken all over again. That’s normal. There’s no “right” way to heal from an affair. But the fact that you’re even asking if your marriage can survive means you haven’t given up completely.

Whether you choose to stay or go, you deserve a future filled with honesty, safety, love, and peace. If your partner is truly willing to work with you toward that — and if you can see a path forward and you can feel yourself healing (even a little,) then yes, your marriage can survive.

Not just survive. But transform. And eventually, thrive. There was a time when I thought I could never survive my husband’s affair. But I did. And I feel like we have a better marriage now than we used to, even before the affair. But I won’t pretend it was easy or quick. You can read about how I did it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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My Husband Isn’t Giving Me The Answers I Need About His Affair – The Real Reason His Answers Don’t Feel Like Enough

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives tell me they keep asking the same questions about the affair, even when they know they’ve asked them before. That’s not because they’re forgetful or obsessed. It’s because his answers didn’t satisfy something.

He may be doing the bare minimum to get by. Perhaps he is sort of telling you what happened, but not how he felt about it, and what led up to it. Maybe he’s giving you vague, surface-level responses instead of showing real regret. Perhaps he’s being defensive or annoyed instead of open and compassionate.

If that’s happening, it’s no wonder you’re still asking. He isn’t telling you what you’ve actually asked and what you really need to know. The conversation isn’t done until your heart feels hard. You feel like he’s not making your recovery and healing his priority – which is exactly what you need for him to do.

What Can You Say To Nudge Him Forward: You probably already know this, but telling your husband that his responses are woefully inadequate typically won’t get him to start fessing up. The more you nag, guilt, and shame him, the more likely he is to zip his lips.

Sometimes it helps to gently say something like: “I’m not trying to keep us stuck. I’m trying to move forward, too. But I need a different kind of answer — something that helps me understand exactly what happened and why. And what are you going to do to address it so that I could one day trust again. I need specific details and not vague responses. Can we have some specific discussions so that we can begin to move on?”

When you ask for what you truly need instead of repeating the same conversation, you might be surprised how things shift.

If He’s Tired of the Fallout, Remind Him That You Didn’t Choose This. And You Want To Move On As Much As He Does: It can feel incredibly unfair when the person who broke your heart wants to skip to the part where everyone feels better. But he may be acting from fear — fear that he’ll never be anything other than the guy who cheated. Fear that you’ll never smile at him again. Fear that he can’t fix what he broke. Fear that NOTHING he says can ever truly satisfy you. Because, no matter how you cut it, his answers aren’t satisfying. How could they be?

You can acknowledge that fear without letting him off the hook.

You might say: “I understand this is hard for you. It’s hard for me, too. But I didn’t choose this. Still, I want to move forward. And we can’t skip the part where we rebuild trust. To that, I’m going to need answers and information. And you are the only one who can provide that.”

Stress That It’s Possible For You To Let Go Eventually — But Only Once You’ve Been Given What You Need: Letting go isn’t about forgetting what happened or pretending it didn’t hurt. It’s not about sticking your head in the sand and conceding you’ll just go along to get along. It’s about accepting nothing less than what you need to heal. If that’s information, don’t stop until you get it.

You can always try coming at him in another way, telling him you can’t move forward until you’ve given the information, or trying to negotiate what it will take for him to open up. If he gives you vague information, tell him that will not cut it and why. But don’t just fold.

There may come a time when he wants affection, companionship, or intimacy from you. There’s your bargaining chip. You can tell him that you’d like to, but you can’t move forward until you have the information you need. Here’s his chance to give it you so that you can both get what you want.

Part of my recovery after my own husband’s affair was being seen and being given what I needed and what I asked for. Did I sometimes have to ask for it more than once? Sure. Did I sometimes have to demand it very forcefully? Or even negotiate for it with bargaining chips? You bet. But did I give up? Never. I knew that I would never be able to put it behind me until got what I needed to know.

If you’re not there yet, that’s okay. Take your time. Come at it methodically. But don’t STP coming at it. Don’t settle. Ask for what you still need. And if your husband really wants to rebuild, he’ll hang in there with you. He’ll meet you with integrity because he WANTS to help you heal. He’ll realize that even though giving you the information is painful for him, it’s fair game. Because it is the result of his own actions.

You can read more about how I navigated this exact journey at https://surviving-the-affair.com.

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How Can I Ensure My Husband Is Sexually Attracted to Me After His Affair? Understanding What Really Drives Attraction After Infidelity

By: Katie Lersch:  I get this question a lot from wives who are trying to rebuild their marriage after an affair. And I’ll be honest — it’s a tough one, because it taps into some of the deepest insecurities we have as women. Many wives tell me, “I just want to feel wanted by my husband again. I need to know he still desires me — not just emotionally, but physically.” This is a double whammy – insecurity coupled with neediness – which is completely understandable. Because of this, wives in this situation often have thoughts like:

“If he cheated, was it because I wasn’t attractive enough?”
“Is he still thinking about her when he looks at me or when he is physical with me?”
“Can I ever make him look at me the way he used to or feel sexually attracted to me the way he used to be?”

These thoughts can become painful, and they can do real damage — not just to your confidence, but to the healing process itself. So let’s look about what really affects sexual attraction after an affair. And let’s examine what you can and can’t control, and how you can begin to feel secure and confident in your marriage and in yourself again.

Affairs Aren’t Always About Looks. Not Even Close: One of the first things I want you to understand is that his affair wasn’t necessarily about his physical attraction to the other woman. I know that sounds strange, especially when your self-esteem has taken a massive hit, but it’s true more often than not.

Affairs usually stem from emotional escape, or the need for ego-boosting — not because the other woman was prettier, younger, thinner, or more exciting. But because she was there. She was available. And her desire for him made him feel better about HIMSELF at a time when he was vulnerable.

In fact, many men admit they still found their wife attractive even when they were cheating, but they gave in to the temptation of something different, something forbidden, or something that made them feel powerful or desired. Their need for validation had NOTHING to do with their wife’s attractiveness.

So please remember that and don’t automatically assume that you weren’t desirable enough. That assumption is not only unfair to you — it’s often completely untrue.

It’s Okay to Want to Feel Desired Again: Even if you logically know the affair wasn’t about your looks, it doesn’t mean you’re not struggling with how you feel in your own skin. And many wives say the same thing: “I don’t just want to fall back into our old roommate habits. I want to feel wanted again — like a woman, not just a wife and partner.”

That’s completely valid. Feeling attractive is a key part of emotional and physical intimacy. So how do you go about rebuilding that connection and helping your husband see you in a sexual light again — without feeling like you’re just trying to compete with someone else? And without feeling like you’re trying to be someone you’re not or someone who is just hoping and pretending?

Here’s what I’ve found works best.

Don’t Try to “Outperform” the Affair Partner. Use What You’re Already Got (And What Has Already Worked:) One of the biggest mistakes I see is when a wife tries to completely change herself to be “more exciting” “more tempting” or “more sexual” because she thinks that’s what will keep his attention. And while I absolutely support healthy changes that you want to make for yourself, doing things out of fear or comparison often backfires.

Why? Because it comes from a place of insecurity, not empowerment. And over time, your husband can pick up on that energy. Instead of seeing you as confident and grounded, he senses anxiety and desperation — which, unfortunately, can dampen attraction rather than build it.

The goal is not to compete. The goal is to reconnect — authentically, emotionally, and yes, sexually.

Sure, you want to look your best. If getting a makeover or becoming more fit makes you feel better about yourself, go for it. But don’t try to become someone who you are not. Do what you need to do to feel better for YOURSELF. Noone else.

Focus on Emotional Safety First: This might sound counterintuitive when you’re thinking about sex, but the truth is: emotional safety often precedes physical intimacy — especially after infidelity. Your husband might feel guilt, shame, or confusion. You might feel hurt, vulnerable, or angry. All of these emotions can block genuine attraction from coming back naturally.

As a result, sex can feel awkward. And when it feels awkward, then you mistakenly think the spark is gone or that the attraction is gone when this just isn’t true.

That’s why it’s so important to focus on rebuilding trust and emotional closeness before trying to jump back into a passionate sex life. Always make sure you feel emotionally safe, seen and heard, and that you’re talking honestly about what you want and need.

When emotional intimacy starts to grow again, physical intimacy usually follows. Not because you’re “performing,” but because you’re reconnecting.

Show Up as the Most Confident Version of You: I know confidence might be the last thing you’re feeling after an affair, but bear with me here. One of the best ways to reignite attraction is to reconnect with your own sense of self-worth — outside of the marriage. There’s no way around it. You have to work on yourself. You have to do the things that make you feel strong and competent. You need to pursue your own passions and move your body to energize it. You need to take care of yourself so you know that you can handle whatever comes your way.

When you show up with a sense of your own value, it changes how you carry yourself. And yes, your husband will notice. But more importantly, you will notice — and that internal shift will do more for your intimacy than any external change ever could.

You Can’t Force Attraction — But You Can Nurture It: Attraction doesn’t come from chasing someone or trying to control the situation. It comes from presence, confidence, emotional connection, and mutual respect. And yes — it can be rebuilt after an affair.

The key is not to focus on what she had that you didn’t. The key is to remember who you are — the woman he married, the one he connected with deeply enough to choose in the first place. You don’t have to become someone else to be attractive again. You just have to come home to the best version of yourself.

That’s what he noticed the first time. That’s what he can notice again. He has adored you so much that he married you. That gives you a HUGE advantage. Do not present him with the broken woman who is beaten down by the affair. Approach him with the woman who knows that she deserves the best and will settle for no less.

Want to read more about how I worked (and more than conquered) intimacy struggles in my own marriage after infidelity? You can find more of my story and insights at surviving-the-affair.com. This is no longer a problem for me.

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What If I Can’t Forgive My Husband’s Infidelity?: Is It Okay If I Can’t Forgive The Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I can’t tell you how often I get from wives who say something like, “I’ve tried so hard to forgive him, but I just can’t do it. What’s wrong with me? I don’t think I will ever come out the other side.” It breaks my heart a little every time I hear those words.

Because I get it. I’ve been there. I remember looking at my husband after his affair – even weeks and months later – and trying to force myself to feel forgiveness. And still coming up empty. And then feeling guilty for that emptiness, as though I was failing as a wife—or even as a person. I thought that maybe if I were a bigger – and better – person, I could beat this.

If that’s where you are right now, let me stop you right there: There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken. You’re human. And you shouldn’t be beating yourself up right now. Please don’t.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Have a Deadline (And You Don’t Owe It to Anyone:) Let’s just get this out in the open—there’s a lot of pressure on wives to “get over it” or “to heal” quickly and to forgive even the worst betrayal fast. Sometimes that pressure comes from your husband. Sometimes from well-meaning friends or family. And sometimes? It’s coming from you. And no wonder. Everyone wants to feel normal. No one wants to continuously function outside of their comfort zone.

We tell ourselves that if we were stronger, better, more “mature,” we’d be able to forgive and move on. But here’s the thing: forgiveness after an affair isn’t just a box you check so you can move forward. It’s not a switch you flip. It’s a process. And sometimes, that process takes a while. And you know what else? That’s okay. Because if you rush it and try to make it happen on someone else’s timeline, you are shortchanging YOURSELF. You don’t deserve that after what you have been through.

You Can Start Healing Without Forgiving (Yet:) This one surprises people sometimes, but it’s true: You don’t have to wait for forgiveness to start feeling better. You can begin rebuilding your life, your confidence, and even your marriage without having to offer full forgiveness right away. I know that might sound strange, but I lived it.

I started seeing progress between us—little moments of connection, small signs of hope—long before I was actually able to say, “I forgive you.” And that progress helped me get there, eventually.

You can totally take a “wait and see” approach while you’re figuring out what forgiveness might look like for you. That doesn’t mean you’re not committed. It means you’re cautious. And honestly? You have every right to be.

Basically, you can side-step the final step while you are making progress. There is nothing wrong with this. You get to make the rules. It is your healing. And you can do it in the way it feels most comfortable and doable.

Not Sure Why You Can’t Forgive? You’re Not Alone: Sometimes I hear from wives who say the affair happened a long time ago—months, even years—but they still haven’t forgiven. And it’s not because they don’t want to. Many of them really do. They just can’t seem to get there, no matter how hard they try.

If that sounds familiar, I’d gently suggest asking yourself what might still be missing. Here are some thoughts:

  • Do you feel like your husband isn’t genuinely sorry?

  • Has he taken real responsibility—or is he still defensive? Does he still make excuses? Does he still deflect?

  • Do you feel safe and loved in the relationship now? Do you feel prioritized and cherished? Has he taken responsibility to make sure you do?

  • Have you had a chance to rebuild yourself, not just the marriage?

Because here’s the truth: sometimes we can’t forgive because something important hasn’t been addressed yet. That doesn’t mean you’re holding a grudge. It means your gut is telling you the healing isn’t finished.

And that gut feeling? It’s worth listening to. It is trying to help you get exactly what you need. It’s telling you that there’s something you don’t yet have – that you still need.  Accept nothing less.

You Set the Pace (Not Him, Not Anyone Else:) I know it’s tempting to let other people’s opinions guide you. Especially if your husband is saying things like, “Can’t we just move on already?” Or friends are hinting that it’s time to let it go.

But the reality is: they’re not the ones who were betrayed. They aren’t the ones who have to live with this mess. They’re not the ones picking up the pieces. You are.

So you get to decide how fast or slow you move. You get to decide when (or if) forgiveness happens. And you don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking your time.

You’re allowed to say, “I’m not ready yet. But I’m still here. I’m still trying. And that counts for something.” And frankly, you don’t owe anyone an explanation or a defense. It’s not their business. They don’t get to go inside of your head unless you invite them.

My Forgiveness Took Time. I Made No Apologies: If you had told me two years ago that I’d ever forgive my husband, I probably would’ve laughed—or cried. I just couldn’t see it. I wanted to. I tried to. But it wasn’t there yet. I was furious quite a bit of the time. It took time. It took work. It took a lot of conversations and even more silence.

But eventually, something shifted. Not overnight. Not dramatically. Just slowly, over time. And one of the biggest was a focus on myself. On my listening to my own voice telling me what I needed and to accept nothing less. I had to be strong so I was no longer operating from a place of weakness and apology.

And now? Our marriage is actually stronger than it was before the affair (but more on that later.) I never thought I’d be able to say that, but it’s true. And I say that to give you hope—not pressure. You don’t have to be there today. You don’t even have to believe you’ll ever be there. You just have to take the next step, whatever that is for you.

You Don’t Have to Have All the Answers Today: If you’re feeling stuck right now—if you’re frustrated that you can’t forgive even though you want to—I just want you to hear this: You’re not doing it wrong. You’re just doing it honestly. You’re respecting yourself enough not to fake it or to rush yourself.

Give yourself grace. Give yourself time. Accept nothing less than what you deserve.

If you want to read more about how I navigated all of this (and the ugly, messy middle parts too), you can check out my story at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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