Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  Quite understandably, many people have extremely strong and quick reactions after they discover that their husband has been having an affair.  In fact, many wives are tempted to kick their husband out immediately, even if they are not sure if they want a divorce.  Often, you can’t even think that far ahead.  All you know is that you don’t want to lay eyes on him right now.  However, many husbands don’t want to leave.  They will do nearly everything in their power to avoid leaving and to buy themselves some time.

A wife might explain, “My husband did try very hard to cover his tracks during his affair.  I had to work very hard and very long to catch him, but eventually, I did.  I assumed that when the gig was up, he would bow out gracefully and move out.  However, although he is very panicked, he is begging me not to kick him out of the house.  He says that he is afraid that if he is forced to leave our home, I will never allow him to come back.  He says that he is petrified at the thought of losing me and the life that we have built.  This is almost laughable.  If he had wanted to stay in our home and in our marriage so bad, why cheat then?  Don’t men who cheat actually want a divorce and want to leave?  I am stunned that he is fighting so hard to stay.  I honestly don’t know what I want right now.  I just don’t want to be near him.  And I can’t imagine that we would not fight relentlessly if he were to stay here.  Why would he even want to stay? And should I force him to leave?”

Why Your Husband Is Not Unique In His Desire To Stay: I can’t decide this type of weighty decision for anyone, but I can certainly give you some ideas to consider. I know that it may be hard to believe, but this situation is not uncommon.  In my observation and experience, the majority of men who cheat don’t want to leave their marriages. You can look up the statistics on this – they are readily available –  and they’ll tell you that while there are certainly some unfaithful husbands looking to exit their marriage, most are not.  Most caught husbands will tell you that they love their wife and are still invested in their marriages.

Understanding His Fears:  The husband is this scenario is saying what you’d hear from most men in this situation.  Many of them lived in dread of their wife learning about the affair.  Think about it.  If he wanted to leave his house or pursue a divorce, he certainly doesn’t need the stimulus of an affair to do this.  In fact, his life would have been easier if he’d ended his marriage first and then tried to find someone else.  The fact that he didn’t do this (and tried to cover his tracks) tells you that he was still invested in his married life.  When you ask him to leave the house, he fears that you are really asking him to leave your life together.  So, naturally, he will try to get you to change your mind.  He doesn’t want to give up his married life.  And he’s likely incredibly guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed.  Living alone is only going to make those feelings more intense.

Evaluating Your Choices:  His fears do not mean that you have to ignore what you want.  In fact, your top consideration should be your wishes since you are the innocent party and you did nothing wrong.  As I see it, you have a couple of choices.  You can kick him out with no questions asked and no one would blame you for it.  However, I can tell you that this is what I did.  I did not even give my husband time to argue with me.  He stayed with family for a while.  However, this option was not ideal as I would have thought.  Often, I would have questions that I would want to be answered but he wouldn’t be there so I’d just have to ruminate.  I would also assume the worst – since I couldn’t see him, I’d worry that he was continuing to communicate with the other woman.  These questions made me realize that I wasn’t ready to just abruptly walk away from my marriage.  Plus, I worried about just abruptly pulling my kids’ father away.

So eventually, I settled on a compromise, which may be the second option for you:  He lived at our home, but he did not live in our bedroom for quite a while.  This way, we were in close proximity to one another and he was there when I had questions.  We could talk to one another at will.  But if things went south, got awkward, or we just needed a break, we’d go to separate areas of the house.  If things got really bad, I’d ask him to give me some space for a while and he would respect this. We got creative in how we explained this to our kids, but I honestly think that this was better than to have their father continue to stay away.

This was my choice and what worked for me.  It is not going to be the right decision for everyone.  All couples are going to have different situations and scenarios.  Some couples feel that they need or want a break from one another and that’s very valid.  You can always come together again if you change your mind.  And a break, whether temporary or long-term, can sometimes be the right call.  I am not sure if the first few days after the affair would have gone well if we were constantly under the same roof.  I was so angry that I would have just made things worse.  But after some time, it became clear that I wasn’t just ready to throw everything away, either.  I think that sometimes it is best to take things day by day and not to make any lasting decisions that can’t be undone because your perceptions and feelings can change.  For me, it was best to leave things open-ended, so that I had the ability to change my mind later. You can read more about how we eventually recovered at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Because of my background and my infidelity blogs, I do a lot of research about what most contributes to infidelity and how it manifests itself.  I recently read an article that listed the top 10 countries for infidelity.  Some of the countries on the list surprised me somewhat, while others did not.   Below, I’ll list the top 10 countries as well as any other interesting information that was noted.

10. Finland: Apparently, having a relationship outside of marriage is somewhat socially acceptable in Finland, but they call these pairings “parallel relationships.”  If a survey by Match.com is any indication, repetitive cheating by married men is much more common than by women, where one in five men admitted to affairs with at least 10 women, which was about seven times more than the rate reported by women.

9. Great Britain:  This one surprised me a bit because the British are known for being so proper. However, it appears that around 35% of people living in England admit to being unfaithful.  And the site Ashley Madison has claimed that $1 million Brits have accounts with them. If there is any silver lining here, it’s that the British reported more guilt about their infidelity than folks from other European countries.

8.  Spain comes in at number 8, with around a 38% infidelity rate.  Although the Spanish have a reputation for being passionate, infidelity is considered taboo in Spain, perhaps due to the influence of the Catholic church.

7. Belgium has a 40% cheating rate and it’s apparently not taboo to cheat since adultery is no longer grounds for a legal separation.

6.  What was interesting to me was not that Norway was on the list with a 41% rate of infidelity, but that cheating websites noted that the rate of affairs went down in the winter but rose in the spring.  I guess it just feels like too much work to cheat when it is so cold out.

5.  France comes in at number five.  There’s no question that infidelity is somewhat socially acceptable in France, where people are generally open-minded about relationships outside of marriage.  When the President was caught visiting his mistress, his approval rating actually rose.

4. Germans appear to be slightly more promiscuous than the French, with a 45 percent infidelity rate.

3.  Italy is at number three. Interestingly, although Italy has a 45% percent infidelity rate, it also has one of the lowest divorce rates in the world.

2. Denmark.  This one is very interesting since Denmark always tops happiness indexes.  The 46% infidelity rate seems to be swayed toward the capital city of Copenhagen.

1. Thailand.  This country’s infidelity rate is a whopping 56%.  Perhaps this is due to a culture that is very accepting of adultery or the very brisk sex-for-sale trade in this country. Even young people accept having alternate relationships here.

So that’s the list, but does it teach us anything?  Well, we can look and see that countries who have a culture that is more accepting of adultery have higher rates of infidelity.  Plus, cultures who frown upon divorce can have high rates of infidelity but low divorce rates.

But, here is what struck me the most.  I’m often asked if there’s an infidelity epidemic or I’ll hear people say that “everyone” cheats.  These statistics show us that even in countries with the very highest levels of cheating, this just isn’t true.  Even in places where a mistress is so commonplace that there is a special name for her, you’re still only looking at just over half of people cheating.  That means that for every person who is having an affair or cheating, there is someone else who isn’t.  That means that even in cultures where people encourage or accept cheating, there are couples who choose to remain faithful.

So, it is not impossible to have a faithful relationship, no matter where you live.  Likewise, it is totally possible to cheat in an atmosphere that frowns upon it.

Although statistics like these are interesting, it’s my opinion that it’s best to worry about your own marriage and about what happens within your own four walls.  Other people’s marriages have nothing to do with your own choices or with your own marriage.  If fidelity is important to you, work on strengthening your marriage and on reaffirming your commitment.  Have open and regular communication so that your spouse knows that infidelity is not acceptable to you, no matter what others are doing.  These things are important no matter which country you live in.

My husband and I had what I thought was a stable marriage when he had an affair, which goes to show you that an affair can happen under any circumstance.  I was very determined not to just forfeit my family.  So, after taking some time to really think about my options, I chose to fight for my marriage.  I have never regretted that decision.  You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I do not believe that every marriage affected by an affair was one that was on the verge of divorce. In fact, statistics prove otherwise. Many people who have affairs later insist that they weren’t unhappy in their marriage and had no intention of leaving it. Nonetheless, I sometimes hear of or from people who intend to have an affair because they think that doing so is better than getting divorced.

You might hear something like, “there is a man at my work who I have grown very fond of. We flirt. We touch. I know that I could have an affair with him if I would just allow myself to do so. However, I know that this would be wrong. I’ve been married for a long time and I truly do love my husband. But, I honestly think that I have fallen out of love with him and that in five years we will be divorced if I don’t do something drastic. There is no longer any spark between us. I know it sounds weird, but I want to believe that if I shake things up by having an affair, I might actually avoid a divorce. Isn’t having an affair better than getting a divorce?”

I might be the wrong person to ask. As someone who has been cheated on, I know the pain of being on the wrong side of an affair. But, even when I try to look at it objectively, I just can’t see where cheating on your spouse could save your marriage.

Both A Divorce And An Affair Are Extremely Painful: As a woman of a certain age, I’ve watched many friends and family members go through divorces. I’ve also seen many marriages struggle with infidelity. Quite honestly, both sets of couples appear to be equally devastated. And I actually can’t think of one person who has ever looked at me and said, “Well, my spouse’s affair has been very painful, but at least he didn’t cheat on me.”

An Affair Can Most Definitely Lead To A Divorce: Saying that you are going to have an affair to prevent a divorce almost implies that your marriage will make it through the infidelity unscathed. This is most certainly not a given. Also, don’t assume that your spouse will never know about the affair. Most affairs are found out eventually. In some cases, the person having the affair becomes so guilty that he confesses.  Sometimes, once the affair becomes known, the faithful spouse just can’t get over the betrayal and they file for divorce. So although some might look at an affair as a marriage-saving action, in fact, it’s just as likely to cause a divorce as it is to prevent one.

Even if your marriage survives, an affair almost always damages it, at least initially. Your spouse is often initially furious and then eventually struggles with trust and self-esteem issues. The cheating spouse often grapples with intense guilt and remorse. The marriage can become lopsided and it can begin to feel as if both parties can no longer speak honestly or experience their emotions without feeling vulnerable or defensive.

An Ideal Alternative: This may not be what you want to hear, but there is always an alternative to allowing infidelity to threaten your marriage: work on it BEFORE you make the grave mistake of cheating on your spouse. Many marriages go through phases where people worry they’ve fallen out of love when in fact, they’ve just fallen into a rut. Sometimes, getting back on track only requires that you spend more time on your marriage and pour more attention and effort into it. Other times, counseling or self-help may be necessary, but any of these alternatives is better than cheating yourself by cheating on your spouse.

If these alternatives don’t work and you want to end your marriage anyway, what have you lost? At least you can say that you tried before you hurt the person that you’re supposed to protect and value the most. At least you can walk away knowing that you did everything that you could. And if you truly want to be with the other person (or the man at work, in this case,) you could then do it with a clear conscience.

The Real Risk Right Now: Since statistics clearly prove that relationships that start as affairs are rarely a success, the chances are good that having an affair may actually mean that neither relationship is successful and that you end up alone. This is a huge risk to take when you needn’t take any risk at all. People who have affairs so often say that they love their spouse. But it’s not at all loving to deceive and betray your spouse, even if you think that it is for the sake of your marriage.

I don’t know of any marriages saved by having an affair, but I know of plenty of marriages that were destroyed by the same. My own was nearly one of them.  You can read more about how I healed my marriage after my husband’s affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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If you were to ask wives to name their biggest fear after their husband’s affair, I would venture to say that the vast majority of them would say repeat cheating.  This is certainly what I would have said.  Most of us live in abject fear of the cheating repeating itself. Because we do all of this work on ourselves and on our marriage. We get to the point where we know that we really need to trust our husband again in order for our marriage to fully recover and to thrive. But it’s very hard to do this. Because in the back of our minds, we are worried that we are naive to trust because he may just cheat again one day. This can be especially true if we were caught off guard by the affair. So, in an attempt to counter this, some women will ponder placing safeguards in place or to sabotage his ability to cheat again.

For example, someone might say, “my husband and I have been trying to recover from his affair for about five months. For two of those months, he did not live in our home because I did not want him here. For the last three months, we have been living together, but sometimes it feels as if we are on shaky ground. He claims that he will never cheat again and that he has learned his lesson. He claims that he wants to save our marriage and that he wants to live the rest of his life with me. I want to believe this, but he was such a skilled liar when he was carrying out the affair, that I have my doubts. Because of this, I want to put safeguards in place so that he will have trouble cheating again. For example, I want to find a way to be notified if he opens accounts for dating websites again. I want to cancel the credit cards that he used for these types of things in the past. I want to cancel his gym membership. And there are a couple of women friends who I feel he is more likely to cheat with than other people and I want to tell these women exactly who my husband is so they will just stay away from him. I have also considered telling other mutual friends so that they will help me keep an eye on him. I figure if I do all of these things, it will decrease the chances that he will cheat again. I know that these things seem drastic, but I would really struggle if he cheated and again and perhaps these safeguards are a small price to pay in order for me to have a little more peace of mind. Some of my friends say that I should not stoop to these levels. Are they right? Is it a good or bad idea to try to sabotage your husband’s ability to have another affair?”

Why Trust May Be More Important Than Sabotage: I completely understand why you would want to do this. But, from my own experience, I also have a theory as to why this probably would backfire and not work well. I can tell you that the one thing that is always going to be a big issue moving forward is trust. You have to eventually have it or the affair is ALWAYS going to be that thing that you stumble over in your marriage. It is always going to get in the way of the happy, rebounded marriage that you desperately want. It is unrealistic to think that your husband is never going to find out about the ways that you have (understandably) tried to sabotage him. This could create resentment and more conflict than you already have.  Also, in my experience, if someone truly wants to cheat, they will find  a way regardless of your trying to sabotage them.

What your lack of trust should be telling you (and your husband) is not that you need to try to thwart one another, but that you have more in front of you in terms of recovery. You simply have more work to do and that is perfectly fine and normal. You’re clearly not ready to trust your husband yet and I do not blame you. This just takes time. I would encourage you to seek out counseling or self help in order to get you closer to that goal.

Why Temptations of Sabotage May Eventually Fade: When I got really close to the end of our recovery, I got to a point where I no longer wished to focus on aspects of the affair. Early in the process, I most definitely had thoughts like you are having – about ways I could “guarantee” that my husband wouldn’t ever cheat again. No one could blame me for this because I’d been burned so badly.

However, once our very lengthy and hard-fought recovery was complete, I was able to let these things go. Sure, I would take note if my husband started acting suspicious tomorrow, but as long as everything is running smoothly, I no longer go out of my way to see what is wrong, since time has proven to me that nothing is wrong.

It can take a while to get to this place. But it is worth the hard work and patience. And I personally would not risk my ability to get there by trying to sabotage my husband. If you still don’t trust him, then you are better off addressing WHY and then trying to fix it. Because ultimately, we all want a marriage where we don’t have to try to outthink our spouse or stay one step ahead of them.  If that is the kind of marriage you rebuild, then you will never be at peace. We want an equal, trusting marriage where we both participate openly and fully. You can’t do this if you are pulling strings behind the scenes. So instead of sabotaging, use your feelings of unease as a clue that you both still have work to do and get to the business of doing it. Ask yourself why you don’t trust and then be honest with him and ask him to make the necessary changes so that one day, you can trust. This is a much more efficient, (and honest) strategy than trying to sabotage him.

I know that I am asking you to take the high road.  But I am doing so because I want for you to eventually feel peace.  Constant game playing and sabotage actually ensure that you have to remain constantly vigilant so that you can never let down your guard.  It can seem harder to do the work that allows you to release the vigilance, but it feels so much better in the end.  You can read about how I was finally able to do this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I get a lot of emails from wives who are concerned about what sex is going to be like after their husband cheated or had an affair.  Many are trying very hard to save their marriages.  They are doing everything they can to move on in a positive way.

But sex can be a whole different story in this equation because it’s just so raw.  There’s really no where to hide.  If it’s awkward or awful this can negatively affect your attempts to save your marriage and get things back to normal.  And, some women fear that they (or their husband) are going to think about the other woman during sex.

They other worry that either they or their husband won’t get aroused or turned on and that the whole encounter might be a disaster.   And if it’s a disaster, what does this say about his attraction for and desire for you and about the marriage?

This is a shame because sometimes sexual issues after cheating or an affair don’t have everything to do with sexual desire or the lack of it.  A lot of emotions, doubt, fear, and resentment can be tied to sex after cheating.

In the following article, I’ll offer some tips to help make sure the first time you have sex with your husband after cheating is a good experience rather than a bad one.

Although It’s Very Tempting:  Don’t Rush Sex After His Cheating Or Affair:  I admit that I was very tempting to rush into sex after my husband’s affair –  not because I particularly wanted to have it with him, but because I wanted confirmation that he would still find me attractive or be turned on by me.

And I think part of me wanted for him to want me so I could turn around and turn him down.  I know this was silly thinking on my part and a potential power play but that’s the way I felt.  However, after hearing from people I respect, I decided I would be better off waiting and I’m so glad I did because the experience was actually quite good rather than awkward, in genuine, or forced.

If you have any doubt or reservation, I think it is better to wait.  Honestly, if you can wait until the moment is absolutely right and you both want to be together more than anything else and can’t wait another moment, this is how you know that you have waited long enough.

I know it’s very tempting to want the reassurance of sex.  You want to connect again.  You want affirmation.  But isn’t it better to know that you can freely participate without doubt or pain?   I know that husbands have a tendency to pressure you for sex because they want to know that you are forgiven them.

But part of your healing process is putting yourself and your needs first.  You can gently and lovingly tell him that, when you do have sex, you want it to be special and you aren’t sure you’re at that point yet, but that he will be the first to know.  You can phrase it in a playful way that isn’t a rejection.

Regaining Your Sexual Confidence After Your Husband Cheated Or Had An Affair:  To me, the one thing that is going to make sex after an affair good is your own confidence.  If you go into this worried that he doesn’t find you desirable or that the experience isn’t going to be good, this is going to affect the outcome and both of your levels of enjoyment.  I know you might hope that your doubts or reluctance won’t be obvious, but it generally is.

So, I actually think it’s a very good idea to work on rebuilding your self esteem before you have sex with your husband again.  Tweak your appearance if it bothers you, get something amazing to wear so that you can feel your best.

A resource that I’m affiliated with and can recommend is an ebook called “Her Secrets.”   I will give you fair warning that it’s a bit racy.   It teaches you how to tweak your sexual skills and, shall we say and incorporate things that men REALLY like in bed so that at least you can have the confidence that the experience is going to be good for him.

And quite frankly, isn’t that what we all want? To know that sex with us is so good that he doesn’t want or need to go and get it anywhere else?  With that said though, I don’t ever want for you to feel as though you have to put on a performance or do everything right to earn his love or desire.

Because this is as much about an emotional connection as it about a physical one. If your mind isn’t into it, your body can’t be either.  That’s why I recommend making sure you have done everything that you need to heal before you resume your sex life.

I know it’s a lot to ask to wait, but I suspect you will be glad you did.  I’m very glad I did.  The experience was a very good one and our marriage is back on firmer ground.  In fact, we’re never been more solid. If you’d like, you’re welcome to read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.  I hope something here has helped!

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Sometimes, I hear from wives (and occasionally husbands too) who tell me that, no matter what, they don’t feel as if the betrayal from the affair will ever be over.  Both the person who cheated and the person who was cheated on can come to think the affair is never really going to be over because it’s going to follow you around endlessly.

I often hear comments (from cheating husbands) like: “I’m starting to think that the affair is never over – not really.  I have nothing to do with the other woman anymore and I’ve moved on within my own heart and mind.  However, my wife can not seem to move on.  I don’t think she ever will.   In a sense, the affair is never going to be over for her no matter what I do.”

This is one side of the equation, but here’s another side.  Sometimes I hear from the wife on the other side of this and she’ll say something like: “He says the affair is completely over.  He swears he won’t have any contact with the other woman.  I am not sure if I believe him or not.  But what I do know is that even if he doesn’t see the other woman anymore, she has to be in his mind.  He’s scattered.  He’s distracted.  He’s just not the same as he was.  Sometimes I look at him and I think that he’s thinking about her at that very moment.  So, he can say whatever he wants about it being over, but I just don’t think I buy it.  How can I stop thinking this way?”

In this case, both husband and wife had valid points and both deeply believed what they were saying.   And both had view points that were completely understandable.  Even so, reading these comments saddened me.  And the reason is that both of them could potentially be very wrong in their assumptions.

In my view and experience, the affair is over if you both decide if it is and conduct your life in the same way.   I will discuss this more in the following article.

If Your Spouse Is Telling You That The Affair Is Really Over And You See No Indications To The Contrary, Then Continuing To Question This Is Counter Productive:  Please don’t get angry at me when I make this observation.  I am making this because I really want to help and I can tell you that I did the same thing and made the same assumptions.

I was constantly watching my husband like a hawk and examining each and every thing that he said.  Anytime I was puzzled or worried about what I was seeing, I would start to think that he really wasn’t over this and didn’t really want to be with me.

And you know what happened, this just kept the cycle going.  Because when he saw me have these doubts, then he started to think that no matter what he did, I was always going to hold onto this.  So in this way we were both assuming things that didn’t need to be true.  But because we believed them to be true we kept the negative cycle going for much longer than it had to be.

Sometimes, our worries, our fears, our “what ifs,” and our speculations keep us from really moving forward.  We sometimes worry about things that never need to happen and never would if we didn’t push our spouse away because we are full of doubt.

I can’t guarantee you that the affair is really over.  But I can tell you that if your husband is saying it is and he’s not giving you any reason to doubt him, your continuing to insist that it isn’t over is potentially going to do so much more harm than good.

Why I Believe That Affairs CAN Really Be Completely And Totally Over For Good:   I have seen countless marriages recover from affairs.  Mine included.  I have seen countless men never repeat the infidelity more than the first mistake.  That’s not to say there aren’t serial cheaters out there, because there are.  But there are also remorseful men who learn from their mistakes and who never repeat it.

So sometimes it really can be a mistake to assume that the affair is never really over when it truly is.  With that said, you can certainly place some safeguards in place.

Making Sure The Affair Is Really And Truly Over And Then Moving On:  It’s normal to not be sure if you can trust your spouse when he tells you the affair is over.  You’re going to doubt him because he has betrayed you about this before.  There’s nothing wrong with watching him closely.

There’s nothing wrong with telling him that you expect him to be accountable.  There’s nothing wrong with asking him to be very open honest and free with whatever information or reassurance that you ask for.  But once he’s given you this, you have to make a decision as to whether you really do want to move on or not.

Sometimes you have to make a decision to do your best to trust until he gives you another reason not to.  Because those doubts and fears really do impede your process if they are constant.  My stance on this has always been that I chose to trust him until he makes that a stupid decision.

And that did work for me.  Time has shown me that the affair is really over.  Had I assumed that it wasn’t and acted accordingly, I might have a much different outcome than I have right now.

I know that these worries are very difficult, but try to stay the course.  This was just one issue I had to deal with when my own husband had an affair. Like all of the other issues, we worked through it. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is pretty high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I often hear from wives who want reassurance that their husband feels guilt and sorrow after his affair. This is very important to most of us because we know that guilt can be a very motivating emotion. If his guilt is eating him up inside, then perhaps he will hesitate and remember this feeling when he is tempted to cheat again. However, many cheating spouses play their emotions very close to the chest after an affair. They will often become very quiet, introverted, and even secretive. They aren’t sure of what is the right thing to say or do, so they do not say very much. This will often cause wives to question if they are sincere about their guilt.

A wife might ask, “what might my husband look like if he is guilty after his affair? He says that he is sorry and that the guilt is tearing him up. However, his behavior doesn’t really fit with that. If I had cheated on him and had hurt him in the way that he hurt me, I would hardly be able to function. I am serious. I would be crying all of the time. My husband has teared up a couple of times when we discussed the affair, but for the most part he acts stoic. Sometimes, he actually acts jovial. When I confront him about this, he says that he is by no means happy, but he is trying to cheer me up and lighten the mood. I will tell him that he’s not necessarily acting like someone who is as guilty as he claims to be and his response to me is to ask whether I want him to walk around with a scarlet letter on his chest. It’s very frustrating. He says that he is both sorry and guilty. I so badly want to believe that. I need to believe that or I’m not sure about my marriage. But he just isn’t acting in the way that I would act in his shoes. My guilt would be so obvious and transparent. What should his guilt look like? What signs am I missing?”

Displays Of Guilt Vary Depending On The Person: Honestly, people display their guilt in very different ways. And quite often, people caught having an affair are extremely guarded with their emotions. They know that you are watching them very closely. They know that they are walking on thin ice. And, they aren’t quite sure how to act. Like your husband, they may be putting on a happy-looking face when in reality, they’re dying a little inside. Or, they may feel horribly guilty, but they’re trying to downplay things because they don’t want to draw out the pain.  They won’t want for you to see their weakness and then to pounce.

It’s always very hard to tell what someone is feeling by the way that they look and act, especially if they are trying to spare you the worry or are trying to downplay things. This is not the same situation, but here’s an example. This morning my son had a competition and he and I were both extremely nervous about it. I didn’t want to worry him though, so I told jokes and tried to be upbeat.  I completely changed the subject and talked about other things – as though the outcome of his competition didn’t matter to me at all.  To be clear, I didn’t care about my son’s performance, but I cared very much that he was so worried about it.  So I wanted him to have a good outcome and this caused anxiety that I desperately tried to hide. Hopefully, my son bought it.  He seemed to because he visibly relaxed. But if he could have heard the thoughts in my mind, he would have heard, “please please please let this be okay. Please let all of his hard work pay off.”

His Behaviors Offer More Clues Of Guilt Than Anything Else: You can’t hear your husband’s thoughts. You can’t feel his feelings. So the best that you can do is to watch closely, as you are already doing. He won’t always show you his feelings by his expressions or body language. But, over time, he will show you with his actions. What I mean by that is that a man who is truly guilty is going to go out of way to treat his wife with care and to behave in such a way that you don’t need to be suspicious of him. (At least this should be true once he realizes that is what he must do, since you won’t allow him to downplay the affair.) He will come home from work on time. He will leave his cell phone on the table so that this is something that you don’t need to worry about. He will go out his way to make you feel valued. He will be patient with you when you struggle to deal with the affair.

In short, you will be able to tell that he regrets and feels guilty about what he did because he will make an effort to try to fix it. Admittedly, sometimes, men don’t know how to fix it, so their attempts will be clumsy and awkward. But they should still try. Because most people don’t know how to address or fix this, counseling or self help can be quite helpful and can also help to elicit those confessions or feelings of guilt that you are looking for. I know that we all want to see our spouse so guilty that he’s barely able to function normally, but this is just not going to be what you see from everyone, although a good counselor or good self help can help to draw it out. Some people are good at hiding their feelings and others are trying to shield you from it. Their actions will often be a better source of information, especially the actions that happen consistently and over time.  It’s easy to make promises when you are caught in an affair.  It is harder to carry them out over weeks and months.

I know exactly how you feel.  There were times when I wanted for my husband to be a blubbering mess.  And, those guilt feelings did display themselves over time.  I just had to learn when and how to look.  Plus, we both needed some healing before we felt safe sharing our true, vulnerable feelings.  We both postured in the beginning.  We were both trying to get the upper hand, at least at first.  You can read about how we finally made it on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I admit that before infidelity happened to me, I was one of those people who thought that if my husband ever cheated on me, our marriage would be over.  I felt very strongly about this and I know that there are many people who feel the same way.  I often get comments on my infidelity blog where people indicate that they just can not understand why someone would want to stay married to someone who has betrayed them.

I often hear comments like: “I just don’t get why a couple would want to stay together or make their marriage work after an affair.  To me, that is the ultimate betrayal and I could never look at my spouse again without thinking of them with the other person.  I could never trust them or feel the same way about them ever again.”

Sometimes, I even hear from the other person (the woman or the man who was cheating with the unfaithful spouse.) They will often make comments like: “I just do not understand why he decided to get back together with his wife.  What we did should have destroyed his marriage.  I put a lot of time and effort into our relationship.  His wife knows about us.  And yet, she still took him back and he still was willing to go back.  I just don’t get it.  Are these people stupid, or what?”

Well, I don’t think that there are stupid, but I do understand all of the questions.  Actually, there are many reasons that couples decide to stay together after infidelity.  I will discuss some of these in the following article.

The Most Common Reason That Many Couples Stay Together After An Affair Is Because They Still Love And Are Committed To One Another And To Their Family: There are many negative reasons that people will stay together after cheating or an affair.  Examples are that it would be too expensive to get a divorce or that one spouse fears that they would no longer be an active part in their children’s lives.  You’ll sometimes hear the faithful spouse say that they aren’t going to let their cheating spouse “get off so easy” as to give them a divorce and to just walk away from the lifestyle to which they’ve grown accustomed or feel that they deserve.

But, for every negative reason that people stay together after infidelity, there is a counter positive reason.  And, the most persuasive of those is that, at the end of the day, they decide to stay together out of their commitment to (and love for) each other and their family. Sure, they may have their doubts.  And they may be furious with their spouse and they may be struggling not to cringe at his very presence.   There may still be a lot of resentment, distrust, and fear.  But eventually, these things begin to fade and some perspective comes into play.  And it’s at this time that both people realize that, no matter how challenging staying together and repairing their marriage is going to be, this is a better alternative than just walking away and giving up.

Many times, the threat of losing the other person and of ending the relationship that they have known and worked so hard for over the course of many years, is a strong motivation to fight for their marriage.  Many who are cheating suddenly realize what a huge mistake they made and how much they want to compensate for it.  Many faithful spouses suddenly realize how much they took their spouse for granted and see where they made their own mistakes.

This isn’t true for all couples, of course. Some do decide that they just can’t or don’t want to stay together after the cheating or affair and this is valid as well.  One size does not fit all.  People should feel free to choose the decision that works best for them.

I do understand the people who say that they could never trust or look at their spouse in the same way ever again.  I used to feel that way also.  But, my choice really boiled down to opening myself up to seeing what would happen if I gave our marriage another chance or just walking away with my pain and my uncertainty and never really knowing what might have happened had I just decided to just wait and see. I felt that I owed it to myself, my children, and even my husband to see this thing through.  If it didn’t work out, then I would know that I tried and that I had nothing at all to be sorry about or to feel guilty for.

And, while I do understand that many people do not understand my reasoning (and couldn’t possibly understand unless or until it happens to them,) it’s discouraging to me that so many people are extremely forthcoming with their opinions and their predictions of doom.  Well meaning friends and family will insinuate that the faithful spouse is stupid, lacking in self esteem, or just in denial when they decide to stay together after infidelity.  By the same token, many will assume that the cheating spouse decides to stay with his spouse is just giving in, giving up, and resigning himself to a life of staying with a spouse who is second best because of his children or his own inability to stand on his own two feet.

I don’t believe that any of these assessments are fair, as everyone’s situation is different and unique to them. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I can tell you that sometimes, opinions hurt.  And if you want to be a true friend to a couple who are struggling to make a decision about staying together after infidelity, sometimes the kindest thing that you can do is support those friends while  keeping your opinions to yourself.  Believe me when I say that all of the points that you want to make, the couple has probably already thought of for themselves.

Deciding whether to stay together after infidelity is a difficult but personal decision and it should be made by the couple alone without any input from those who aren’t directly involved in the marriage.

I know that understanding why couples stay together after infidelity may be very important to you.  But, in truth, the reasons are often not as important as the healing.  It took me way too long to realize this, but once I did, it made quite a lot of difference.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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by: katie lersch: Sex after an affair is a recurrent theme in some of the correspondence that I get. Many people are looking for guidance as to what is a healthy or advisable time frame. I recently heard from a wife who was grappling with this very issue. It had only been three weeks since her husband had confessed to an affair and had assured her that it was over and that he wanted to save his marriage.   Within the last week, she had started having sex with her husband again.  Her friends were telling her that this time frame was “too soon” and that having sex now was the same as telling her husband that she already forgave him.

She said, in part: “I know that I might be having sex a little too soon after my husband’s affair.  But I’m very committed to the marriage and I just want to feel connected to him again. My friends are telling me that I’m making a huge mistake because having sex with him implies that I have forgiven him and that he’s back in my good graces or that he deserves to be intimate with me again.  I haven’t completely forgiven my husband and we still have a lot of work to do.  So does having sex when things still aren’t perfect and we’re still healing send mixed signals to him?  Is this a mistake on my part?  Should I stop having sex with him and follow some sort of time frame to make sure that he’s truly sorry and won’t cheat again?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

There’s Really No Time Table For Sex After An Affair.  But It’s Advisable To Have Sex For The Right Reasons And Within Clear Boundaries: I don’t think it would fair or advantageous to place any set deadline or time frame on when you should have sex after an affair.  Everyone is different.  Some women are not comfortable physically expressing themselves until they are comfortable emotionally.  Some couples wait for quite a long time for this very reason.  They don’t want to use sex as the glue that binds them until they know that the relationship has healed enough to make this authentic and comfortable.

But some people are able to separate their sexual relationship from their martial issues.  And many people just want to feel connected to and desired by their spouse even if they are well aware that they still have work to do in their marriage.  This is completely understandable.  And it’s not my place to tell someone that they are wrong for doing this.  Many couples report that this actually helps the process because they feel closer to one another and it’s therefore it’s a bit easier to work through the infidelity issues.

So while I can’t tell anyone if they’re having sex too soon after an affair, I can offer some suggestions to help you handle this.  Because I see several issues that come up in this situation.   Sometimes, wives feel a lot of pressure to have sex because they worry that if they don’t, the other woman will.  They can almost feel as if they in competition because they want to make sure that their husband stays at home.   So they will tell themselves that this is necessary, even if their heart isn’t in it because they are coming from a place of fear.

Another issue that I see is that there’s a lot of misunderstandings about what sex really means.  Sometimes the wife just wants to connect physically, but in her mind, nothing has really changed.  She’s still angry at and disappointed with her husband and she still needs to see a lot of remorse and rehabilitation before she trusts him again.  But when she brings these issues up after being intimate, the husband will feel that she is sending him mixed signals.  He might ask why she’s having sex with him if she hasn’t forgiven him yet.  But to many, forgiveness and sex can be two separate issues.

And this is why it’s so important to be very open and honest about this issue.  If you feel any reservations or need to clarify things, then by all means speak up.  It’s better to muddle through an awkward situation for a few minutes than to go through weeks or possibly months of misunderstandings or the resentments that might follow.  So I couldn’t really tell the wife if it was “too soon” to be having sex with her husband.  For some couples, a few weeks might not be too soon, as long as they continue to work through the infidelity.  And for other couples, six months later is too soon because the healing just hasn’t even begun or one of them just isn’t comfortable.

The time frame needs to be up to the couple themselves.  To me, the real concerns are whether the couple are having sex for the right reasons and whether the wife is feeling pressure or whether the husband feels he is getting mixed feelings.  Being intimate for the wrong reasons can cause additional problems.  Still, I believe that it’s possible and even sometimes healthy to be intimate after an affair was long as both people are comfortable about the choices that are being made and completely understand them.  Sex most certainly can’t fix all of the problems that the affair causes (and it sometimes creates additional problems) but it can be a way to connect and feel desired again, which can be reassuring when you know that there’s a lot of healing ahead of you.

Restoring my own sex life after my husband’s affair was a big hurdle to overcome.  But our sex life now is actually better than it was before.  So much so that I no longer worry that he will cheat again.  If it helps, you can read about how I recovered on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Most every wife who has ever struggled after an affair knows that thinking about the other woman can take up a huge chunk of your time. You usually have all sorts of questions about her.  You want to know who she is, what she looks like, what makes her tick, and why, of all people on earth, she chose your husband.  While the affair is going on (or before we are sure that it has ended) thoughts of her can almost invade our regular every day life to a level that borders on obsession.

But what happens when the affair is over?  Does she just ride off into the sunset? Does she find another married man to prey on?  Does she vow to change her ways and eventually find a single guy to settle down with? Does she pine over your husband and try to scheme up ways that she can get back into your life?

Any of these things are possible, I suppose.  It truly does depend upon the circumstances involved.  We want the answers to these questions.  But at the same time, we want this woman out of our lives so we certainly aren’t likely to follow up with her to quell our curiosity. I have a decent amount of mistresses or “other women” contact me on my blog.  Their personalities and stories run the gauntlet.  Some are remorseful and some are quite indignant.  Some will tell you that if the wife had kept her own husband happy, her presence would not have been needed.

Others insist that the husband represented himself as single and that, if she had any idea that he was married, she would have completely avoided him.  Many will tell you that their intention was never to hurt anyone.  (I am not defending “the other woman.”  I have been the wife on the other side of an affair, so I tend to see things from the wife’s point of view.  However, I believe that these women have feelings too.  And they often have their own struggles to deal with.)

Some of these women have been “the other woman” on many occasions.  For whatever reason, the fact that a man is married is either a comfort or a turn on.  I’ve had some women tell me that all of the men that they’ve had relationships with over the past several years have been married.  Some others confess that this is their first (and only) relationship with a married man.  Many will insist that had they known the pain and confusion the affair was going to cause everyone involved, they never would have become involved in the first place.

Why The Answer To The Question Truly Depends Upon Many Factors: What happens to the other woman after the affair will often depend upon the depth of her feelings for the husband.  Some women are quite hurt when the relationship ends.  Some will tell you that the husband promised all along that he was going to leave his wife and be with her, and, when this doesn’t happen, it can leave the other woman feeling very vulnerable and disappointed.  She will often tell you that she feels as if the husband flat out lied and took advantage of her trust.

Sometimes, the other woman will go to the other extreme and tell you that she has concerns about the husband.  She will say that she truly wants him to be happy, but she doubts that this can happen with his wife.  She worries that the wife is “making him pay” and making his life miserable as payback for his cheating.

And others will just try to do the best that they can and move on.  Many become more careful to make sure any man that they become interested in is 100% single because they don’t want to repeat the same mistakes.  At the end of the day though, like every one else in this situation, the other woman has some choices to make.  By no means am I defending her actions, but from the correspondence that I get, I can tell you that sometimes, these women are not the heartless monster that we picture her to be.  Sometimes, she too must decide if she’s going to take the affair and use it as a means to learn about and improve upon herself or if she’s going to remain bitter and angry.  Whether you believe she is a villain or a victim, you cannot deny that she too must pick up the pieces.  Of course, if your husband was just a distraction or fling for her, she might make quick and easy work of this.

Why Checking Up On Her Can Be A Mistake: Some wives are so driven by these questions that they are tempted to check up on her or try to find out what she is doing (or who she is seeing now.) I understand this urge, but I would caution you against it.  I’ve never seen any good come out of revisiting the past in such a way.  Sometimes, reaching out to her leaves you with more questions than answers and it just brings about more pain, anger, and resentment.

And, on the flip side, I sometimes have “the other woman” ask me how to apologize to the wife.  She sometimes feels a great deal of remorse and wants to reach out and try to make things better.  Again, I understand this, but continuing on with any contact is like rubbing salt in a wound.  The best thing that both parties can do, in my opinion and experience, is to leave one another alone and turn their attention to rebuilding and reevaluating their own lives.

In the same way that you’re probably hoping that she leaves you and your husband alone, she is likely thinking the same thing about you.  There’s really no upside in quizzing or collaborating with one another.  I’ve never seen much good come out continued contact from any party after an affair.  In my view, the best thing that you can do is to hope that the universe is just.  If she is truly remorseful and is hurting as much as you are, then let’s hope that everyone involved is able to heal and move on in a positive way.   If she’s indignant and has no remorse, then perhaps she has some growing up to do or some lessons to learn, but neither of these things are your problem.  My best advice is to make yourself your priority and let her go in the same way that you are hoping that your husband has.

Even though the other woman was a stranger to me, I sort of became obsessed with her in the beginning.  However, after a while I figured out that this was hurting me more than helping me.  And I realized that even though my husband had long let her go, I wasn’t doing the same.  Once I realized this, things began to change, and eventually, we saved our marriage and truly moved on.  If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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