Things To Say (And Not To Say) To Someone After They’ve Cheated on You By Someone Who’s Been There

By: Katie Lersch: I don’t envy where you are right now. You’ve recently discovered that your partner has cheated on you. And I know, from experience, that you feel like your world has cracked wide open. I’ve been there. I’ve felt that initial shock, that gut punch of betrayal, and the barrage of questions. But which do you ask? Which questions will get you to what you NEED to know, and which questions will just make this mess worse? Here’s what I discovered after my own spouse’s affair.

There’s no perfect script. But there are some phrases that give you a little more power, and there are also words that help to take it away. Let’s have a look.

Don’t Edit (Or Rush)Your Feelings: Before you really let your words flow, give yourself a minute – or several. You need time to process this before the words come. No, you won’t be able to totally calm yourself, but you can take a bit of time to feel whatever comes. You are allowed to be angry, confused, hurt, numb, knowing, or even hateful. Whatever your emotions are, they are valid. They are yours. Do not be ashamed of them. And do not feel forced to share them before you are good and ready.

Your husband might panic and try to engage you right away, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with sending him away and telling him you are not ready to talk yet, and you will let him know when you are.

The Phrases That I Found Offered Me Some Relief And Defined Where He Had To Meet Me:  These are things that I said at various times. If these don’t work for you, don’t use them. Use what resonates or feels true to you.

“I’m devastated, and I need you to understand the depth of that.”

You don’t need to sugarcoat this for him. His actions are devastating and potentially marriage-altering, and he needs to own this. Yes, this may hurt him. But his actions have hurt you. Let him know.

2. “I need to know the truth. Absolutely no excuses or justifications.”

People who have affairs will often try to minimize it. They’ll say, “Oh, it was just a one-night stand.” Or, “I’ll never see her again.” That’s not good enough. You want to know how, why, and when this happened. You need ample information to know exactly what left you vulnerable. Don’t take this too far. You don’t need to know every sexual position used (because you will ruminate on it and constantly visualize it, which does you no good.) But you do need to know the honest truth so you can gauge what you are dealing with.

3. “This isn’t just about the cheating. It’s about your lies and the fact that I feel I can’t trust you.”

Yes, it is awful that he was physical with someone else, but for many wives, it is the lies that are the worst. Your spouse is supposed to be the person you can trust most in the world. He has breached that. You will doubt yourself when you go to trust him again. He needs to understand the damage he has caused so that he knows it is his responsibility to right it.

4. “I’m not making any rash decisions.”

Often, the cheating spouse will want to be forgiven as soon as possible. They’ll want you to move toward them because it feels like a relief. But you can refuse to be hurried and can be very blunt about the fact that you are going to take your time and then some.

5. “I won’t listen to silly defenses or you trying to blame me.”

Many spouses will try to convince you that you forced them into the affair, or they’ll offer up dumb excuses that make no sense. Unless you want to hear this endlessly, you need to put your foot down early. Now, no marriage is perfect. And we all have areas where we could improve. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that. But he was the one who chose to cheat. He shouldn’t attempt to blame you for this decision.

“I’m not here to comfort you:” Many cheating spouses will lay themselves at your feet. They’ll seemingly fall apart, tell you they can’t live without you, etc., etc. Don’t allow yourself to feel responsible for their feelings. You must take care of yourself before anyone else.

Use Caution: There are some things that you may be tempted to say. However, if you ever want to eventually reconcile with your spouse, you may regret them, they are:

  • “I never want to see you again.”
  • “I hate you.”
  • “You’ve ruined everything.”

You may mean this in the heat of the moment, but in a year, you may regret these words. Cheating husbands CAN and DO become rehabilitated husbands, so you don’t necessarily want this to come back to bite you.

When You’re Considering Rehabilitation: There may be a time when you are open to reconciling. This isn’t a linear process. And if you need to back up, then say so. Simply say, “I am not ready to talk right now and need some time.”

He may push you to rebuild if you are open to that. There’s nothing wrong with saying you are open to it, but you might ask him if he is willing to put in the considerable work to make it right. As you are working through things, you can always use phrases like, “We’re not yet okay, but we haven’t totally closed the door.”

Take good care of yourself during this process. You always come first. Your well-being is always the priority. He will want to know what you are thinking or feeling. But if you don’t always know, you don’t always have to share.

I hope this has been helpful. I didn’t always say and do the perfect things after my husband’s affair. And I did say things I regretted. But we eventually righted ourselves, mostly due to my steering the ship. You can read about how I did that here.

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Is It My Fault My Husband Had An Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from women who tell me that somehow, they think their husband’s affair was their fault.  They tell me that they think they probably didn’t pay enough attention to him.  Sometimes, they buy their husband’s arguments that they neglected him or let themselves go.  Or, they figure they should have taken care of business better in the bedroom.  They beat themselves up and figure that this was all their fault.

I very much understand these self-defeating thoughts.  There was a several-month period when I had them myself.  It’s easy to blame yourself because it gives you an easy target.  But I vigorously maintain that it is most definitely not your fault if your husband has had an affair.  I don’t care how the state of your marriage was.  And I don’t know what your husband is telling you. To me, in no circumstances is someone else’s actions ever another person’s responsibility or fault.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

By No Means Is Your Husband Cheating Or Having An Affair Ever Your Fault: I honestly can not tell you how often the wife will automatically and immediately place at least some of the blame onto herself.  They’ll say things like “I was paying so much attention to our kids.”  Or “I wasn’t giving him enough sex.” Or “I was spending so much time at work or school that he felt neglected.”

Believe me when I say that I’ve heard all sorts of comments like this.  And while I understand that any of these things can put a strain on your marriage, none of them, in my mind, are justifications for cheating or having an affair.  I’ve even had men tell me that their wives didn’t have sex with them on any sort of a regular basis and had pretty much shut them out. 

Frankly, because of my research for my blog and because of my own situation, I do a lot of research on the mindset of men who cheat. I dialog with many of them.  But none of the justifications that they give me convince me that they were justified in their cheating or that their wife was to blame. 

Every One Has Choices In Life.  A Man Who Chooses To Cheat Or Have An Affair Has Made A Choice.  In No Way Is This Choice His Wife’s Fault: I do understand that there are plenty of things that would tax a marriage and make it very tempting for a husband to cheat.   Looking back, many wives know that the marriage was vulnerable, and they are quick to blame themselves for this or at least take responsibility for it.

I do understand that this can make things difficult for both parties in the marriage and that it’s sometimes very easy to act on these frustrations even when you are not looking to have an affair or to cheat.  With that said, there is always a choice.   You can typically look back and always see other options that were available.

For example, the husband certainly could have told the wife he was seriously struggling and that something needed to change swiftly and dramatically.  He could have suggested counseling.  There are a number of other options that were not taken.  I’m not trying to point an accusatory finger at husbands who cheat.  I know that they sometimes feel justified.  But I would like to point out that there is always a choice and, worse than this, it’s not showing much integrity to blame someone else for your own choices.  Not only this, but this is usually quite a bad choice when you are asking your wife to forgive you or to help you save your marriage.

Why The Blame Game After The Affair Is A Game Where Both Spouses Will Lose: Here’s the thing that I wish people would understand.  It honestly doesn’t matter who is at fault when an affair happens.  Pointing the finger or shifting the blame doesn’t do anyone any good at all.  It only creates more anger and more defensiveness.  The truth is, once the affair is out in the open, the questions should focus less on who is to blame and more on “How can we fix this in a healthy way where we can both still maintain our dignity?”

I understand that the anger surrounding an affair will often make it tempting to figure out who is at fault.  But this only keeps the anger going, and it really doesn’t get you anywhere.  What usually works better is when both people are willing to take responsibility for their role in the health of their marriage. There is usually plenty of blame and fault to go around. 

But if both people take responsibility for fixing it rather than placing blame, you will often see a much better result, much more quickly.  Finding the person who is most at fault really only pushes the two of you further away from one another.  If you can find a way to get on the same page (even if you don’t end up staying together), this will often facilitate faster and more lasting healing.

For a long time, I blamed myself for my husband’s affair, but eventually,  I figured out that this wasn’t helping me, and I changed course. My marriage survived. My self-esteem is back. You can read more about that process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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How Long Do Affairs Usually Lasts? For How Long Will My Husband’s Last?

By: Katie Lersch: I once heard from a wife who was trying to determine the average life span of an affair. Her husband was cheating with a coworker. The wife had recently found out about this and demanded that it immediately stop. The husband insisted that he was sorry and still loved his wife. However, he just could not seem willing to let the other woman go. He told his wife that he just felt the need to see where the whole thing led before he made any lasting decisions.

Needless to say, this was not what the wife wanted to hear. But in her heart, she felt that once the husband finally ended the affair, they could begin working on their marriage and picking up the pieces. She was very clear on the fact that she wasn’t ready to let her marriage (or her husband) go.

She asked me in part, “How long can you expect the average extramarital affair to last? I know the answer varies because my aunt’s husband had the same mistress for over 20 years, and my best friend’s husband had a one-night stand. But, what is the average? Do affairs generally end quickly?”

The person asking this question was right. The amount of time that an affair goes on can certainly vary based on many factors like how long before someone else finds out, how the relationship is progressing, and how each person really feels about the other. However, I was able to find some information on the average lifespan of an affair, which I will discuss in the following article.

Unfortunately, Statistics Show That Many Affairs Last For Quite A Long Time: I know that this wife was hoping that I was going to tell her that the average affair lasts for less than a month. This is possible, of course, but here’s what the statistics that I found in several places show. Around 50 percent of affairs last for longer than a month but less than a year. I realize this is not all that specific. With this statistic, you could be looking at anywhere from 5 weeks to almost 12 months and anywhere in between. So what this really tells you is that it’s not uncommon for an affair to last for months.

Jumping to the next applicable statistics I could find, my research indicates that 40 percent of affairs last two or more years. So where does the last ten percent come from? Well, ten percent last a day or less (these are the one-night stands.) And the last ten percent last more than a day but less than a month.

As you can likely see, these numbers indicate a wide range of very short and long-term relationships. But it’s clear that a good number of affairs can last several months or even years. And I think the time frame (at least in part) depends on factors like how long it takes before the affair is caught and monitored. If the relationship has a chance to take hold, it can be harder for the spouse who is being cheated on to get a handle on it before the cheating spouse believes that they have real feelings for being “in love with” the other person.

Things To Think About When You Want Your Spouse To End The Affair Quickly. (Walking The Line Between Pushing Your Spouse Toward The Other Person And Pulling Them Away:) This wife had an advantage, even if she did not realize it. She had learned about her husband’s affair shortly after it began to happen. The affair had been going on for about three weeks. Now, the husband believed he could have something “real” and lasting with this other woman. He was in that infatuation stage where he thought that the other woman had something special.

But, the wife did still have a presence in her husband’s life. His reaction and his actions seemed to indicate that he was still somewhat invested in the marriage. The wife’s next step was going to be to try to make the husband end the affair without pushing so hard that he pulled away from her instead.

The thing is, if the other person is presented as something that is off limits or forbidden, it is sometimes human nature to want the forbidden thing that much more. And frankly, the husband saw this person at work on a daily basis. That was another issue to consider.

My suggestion for her was to place herself in the best position possible. As hard as it would be, I suggested telling him that it was very obvious he had some struggles that he needed to work out, but that she couldn’t interact with him romantically if he was with someone else, either emotionally or physically. She could still stress that she was open to working things out once he made a decision. In this way, she wasn’t alienating herself from him or allowing him to paint her in a negative light (which would only push him more toward the other woman.)

Suggested Discussion: Of course, everyone should take into account their own situation and the personality of their spouse. But in this situation, I would suggest saying something like, “It goes without saying that in order for our marriage to work, you need to end this affair and work with me on our marriage. It seems as if you are not prepared to do that right now. It probably wouldn’t help for me to give you an ultimatum or point out how wrong I feel you truly are. But, when you come to a decision, I’m willing to talk about this. Until then, I have to place the focus on myself and what I need.”

I know that this is a tough call, and I know that some will point out the risk in this strategy. However, time and time again, I’ve seen wives give ultimatums or demand that he end the affair, and what sometimes happens is that he only wants the other woman more as a result or he tells the wife he has ended the affair and then lies because he really hasn’t.

It usually works out better when the husband decides to end the affair on his own. And I believe the above discussion or something similar gives you the best chance of this happening.

I know that worrying about how long his affair is going to last and how you can force him to end it is difficult. But, if you play your cards right, healing is often closer than you may think. It took a lot of work and patience, but today, my marriage is intact. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as a result. My self-esteem is pretty high. I no longer clutch my pearls in fear that my husband will cheat again. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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He Had An Affair But He Won’t Do The Work To Save Our Marriage

By: Katie Lersch: Believe it or not, very few of the wives that I hear from want to give up on their marriages. Most of them are very hurt, confused, and injured over their husband’s affair, but they still want to find a way to save their marriage. Many of them tell me that although their husband claims to be sorry and remorseful, he’s often not willing to do the work necessary to save the marriage. He’s often not willing to have difficult discussions, to go to counseling, or to do the rebuilding necessary to make the marriage work again.

I often hear comments like “he says he’s sorry for having an affair and he still loves me and wants to work things out. But, when I try to get him to go to counseling or to actually work on our marriage, he always has excuses or tells me that I’m just wanting to dwell on things when I should be letting them go. But I feel like I’m entitled to want him to work on the marriage with me since his affair is what brought us here. It’s almost as if he thinks I’m doing this to punish him, but I’m not. I just want a healthy marriage again but I don’t think we can do it on our own.”

I understand all of these concerns far too well. In the following article, I will discuss some tips and strategies on how to effectively handle it when your husband claims he wants to save the marriage after his affair but just doesn’t seem willing to do the work.

Some Reasons Why Men Aren’t Willing To Do The Work After Their Affair: Sometimes, wives assume that their husbands don’t care enough or aren’t sorry enough to stand in there and do the work necessary to undo what he created. I suppose that sometimes, this turns out to be true, but it can be risky to make this assumption.

Many times, men don’t want to go into counseling or have difficult discussions because they don’t want to prolong their dwelling on their affair, their mistake, and their behavior. They figure that their best-case scenario is to push you to move on as soon as possible so that everything will return to normal. What they don’t understand is that you aren’t able to turn your feelings and your doubts off and on like a light switch. And, if you don’t do the work, you won’t have the confidence to trust and have faith again.

And, many men who horribly frightened of counseling. They are afraid that the counseling is going to paint them as an awful person or tell them that the husband is to blame for everything. I’ve even had husbands tell me that they were afraid the counselor was going to tell the wife that she should just leave or divorce him. Now, I do have to say I don’t find that counseling is always the solution to every problem. Many couples work things out without a counselor because neither feels comfortable in that environment. But I also feel that if one spouse wants or needs it, the other should be open to it.

Finally, men often tell me that they feel that doing all of this “work” is really just dwelling on the affair and continuing to draw attention to all of the negative feelings and all of the wounds. They figure the sooner you move on, the sooner you will heal but they don’t understand it’s very difficult to heal without a new foundation being built.

How To Convince Your Husband To Work With You To Save The Marriage After His Affair: Now that I’ve gone over why he might be dragging his feet on doing the work, we’ll talk about convincing him to overcome his objections and get to work. It’s important that he understands that although your goal isn’t to punish him, you need these things to happen to help you heal. And, until that happens, you’re not going to be able to put this behind you.

But, if he works with you as you’ve asked, that is going to go a long way toward showing you his sincerity and his willingness to strengthen the marriage which will ultimately make the BOTH of you stronger and happier in the end. Another thing that sometimes works is to ask your husband to just try a certain technique. In other words, ask him to try one counselor or technique once and then listen to his feedback on which he likes better. It’s all about compromise because if you can get him comfortable and enthusiastic, this benefits both of you. And often, when he sees his fears weren’t warranted, he is more willing to roll up his sleeves and get to work.

After my husband’s affair, I thought there was no way back. I thought things would never feel the same. I was wrong. It took a lot of determined work, but we found our way back. And I feel stronger than ever.  You can read about that process on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

 

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He Cheated But Swears He Still Loves Me – What Now?

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives or girlfriends who are struggling to process the cheating of the man that they loved. Many have no idea where they want to go from here. Believe it or not, most will freely admit that they still love him and wish that they could save the relationship, but they aren’t sure if they can overcome the anger, pain, and doubt.

It can be frustrating to not be sure how you feel when the man you love cheats on you, but it’s even more frustrating when you don’t have a firm handle on how he feels about you. Usually, his words are telling you one thing, but his actions are telling you something else. I often hear comments like: “He swears he still loves me and will never cheat on me again. He says this was the biggest mistake of his life and that he’ll make it up to me. But, I don’t know if I believe him or what to do. I don’t understand how you can love someone and cheat on them at the same time. I know that I don’t want to walk away from the relationship, but I don’t know how to save it either.”

I understand the intensity of these feelings. I’ve experienced them. And, these questions and doubts can destroy your relationship if you let them or aren’t able to work through them. In the following article, I’ll go over some things that you may want to consider when he’s swearing that he loves you even though he cheated on you.

Is This The First Time?: This is a large consideration and not just because of moral reasons. Statistics show that with each infidelity, the chances of saving the relationship lessen. Simply put, it’s easier to save a relationship after only one infidelity instead of three. Each time a person cheats on you, your faith in them takes another hit. Your trust is chipped away yet again.

If this is the first time he’s cheated, rehabilitation and restoring the trust is much easier. That’s not to say that relationships affected by repeated cheating can’t be saved. They can and they are. But in order for the relationship to be a healthy and faithful one, you’ll need to figure out why the cheating partner keeps repeating the same patterns. Clearly, rehabilitation has not yet happened and until it does, you’ll likely remain on shaky ground. If you’re dealing with repeated cheating, your job is harder, but it’s not hopeless or impossible if you’re determined enough and get the right kind of help.

Love Is Not Always Enough. Does He Have A Plan To Help You Rebuild After His Cheating?: I actually do believe that it’s possible to cheat on someone you love. There are many reasons that I believe this. Not only does my research indicate it’s possible, but I’ve heard from too many unfaithful people who are desperately sorry on my blog to doubt this. The thing is, the fact the love is still there is wonderful and is half the battle. But it alone is often not enough.

You can love your spouse endlessly, but if you don’t take any concrete action to rebuild, then you’re allowing yourself to remain vulnerable and you’ll likely see that these loose ends will leave your relationship in a place where it’s less than it could be. It’s often love combined with repeated loving action that makes the true difference between the relationship that survives cheating and the one that doesn’t.

Ultimately, It Usually Comes Down To The Cheating Person’s Actions Rather Than Their Words: Probably the biggest issue that you have to overcome right now is the issue of trust. The person who was cheated on is very likely in so much pain that their inclination is to become quite defensive since they don’t want to be hurt again. So, they are likely watching the cheating spouse very closely to see if it’s safe to trust and to become invested again.

And, you can’t blame them for not blindly believing that everything is going to be OK just because of claims of love. They’ve already been deceived once. Why should they place their belief in the person who has failed them? That’s why it’s the actions that are going to determine the outcome. Talking can be composed of just empty words. If the cheating person truly wants to save this relationship, they will often have much better results if they show (rather than tell) their partner that they’re trustworthy, rehabilitated, and accountable.

As someone who has been cheated on in the past, I can tell you what the faithful person is looking for. They are likely looking for the cheater to take responsibility for their actions and to be accountable. They want to know that not only do you still love them, but you’re going to use that love as the catalyst to do whatever is needed to make this right again. And, they want the reassurance that they are still attractive and desirable, even though you took this deplorable action. Finally, they want for you to show them that it’s safe to trust you again and they want for you to have patience as they attempt to navigate this.

There’s no shame in getting help with this if you need it. Seeking help is just one more way to show (rather than tell) your partner that you’re sincere about saving the relationship and are willing to do whatever it takes.

I know that working through the aftermath of cheating is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as a result.  You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Can Hysterical Bonding Save a Marriage After an Affair? If So, How?

By: Katie Lersch: If you are dealing with a spouse who cheated on you, I don’t need to tell you that infidelity can be one of the most devastating experiences you will ever feel in your life – you already know. You wake up in the morning feeling pain, anger, and confusion – and you go to bed feeling the same way. Until something changes.  And then you might doubt the sincerity of it.

Sometimes, a phenomenon called “hysterical bonding” rears its head after an affair. And it can feel fantastic because suddenly, you aren’t sleepwalking through your life anymore. Suddenly, you actually FEEL positive, and not negative emotions. But can you trust it? And can these new emotions actually help make things right again?

What Does Hysterical Bonding Look Like?: This term is used to describe intense emotion between the spouses after an affair. Often, it means that you can’t keep your hands off of each other or don’t want to be away from one another. I’ve had people tell me that in this phase, their spouse was almost like a drug.

Of course, most people intuitively know that hysterical bonding is an attempt to feel in control again and to confirm that the two of you can still feel something positive for one another.  It feels like an emotional and sexual connection that you haven’t felt since the early stages of your marriage sometimes. But of course, people wonder if they can trust it.

A wife might say, “My husband’s affair really hit my self-esteem hard. I felt worthless. It did not help that he cheated with a younger, prettier version of me. When I first found out, I would have nothing to do with him. However, last week, he barged into the house and kissed me. Ever since we have been joined at the hip and can’t keep our hands off of each other. This feels good. When he’s with me, I know he can’t be with her. But is this real? Will it fade? I’m not sure what to make of it, but it’s like a fire has been lit.”

The wife is right and that hysterical bonding feels quite intense. And you can feel like hyped-up teenagers – with the intense sexual activity that comes with being young and crazy about each other. Another thing you may notice is that the cheating partner constantly wants to be with you, wants to check in with you, and wants to gain your reassurance.

And suddenly, you may be staying awake in the wee hours of the night and really and truly opening up to each other and sharing your secret hopes and dreams like you used to when you were dating. Surely, this is a good thing? It can be a starting point, but there are things to watch out for.

Where To Be Careful With Hysterical Bonding:  It’s important to note that often, hysterical bonding is born out of fear and a lack of control. It is an attempt to quelch the fear of loss and to feel like you have at least some control once again. This isn’t necessarily a bad or unexpected thing, but it can become overly intense as emotions swing back and forth.

One minute you can’t get enough of him and the next, you remember what he did and you want him out of your sight. Sometimes, the cheating partner can become extremely needy and overbearing as well.

The process can also make you struggle with two beliefs at one time – that he wants you badly now but he certainly didn’t when he was cheating. That can be painful and hard to reconcile.  

Why Hysterical Bonding Itself Isn’t Likely To Save Your Marriage After An Affair: One can look at hysterical bonding like a bandaid. It can provide temporary relief that makes everything feel better. But often, it keeps couples from really talking about (and fixing) the crux of the matter – why he cheated in the first place and what you’re going to do about it now.

If you’re all over each other and constantly in bed, what’s the incentive to do a deep dive into your marriage and the affair? Most importantly, if you don’t do this, you leave yourself open to more infidelity, or continued resentment, in the future.

Additionally, hysterical bonding does nothing to address the long-term trust issues that you are bound to have. And, when the shine starts to wear off a bit, the faithful spouse will of course ask themselves why and may even worry what it all means. Plus the bonding can be a distraction from doing the real work and the true healing.

So How Do You Deal With Hysterical Bonding?: I always feel that whether couples have sex soon or intense intimacy after an affair is up to them. If both parties are game and fully willing, then it is no one’s business.  But it is important not to confuse this type of intimacy with real work and healing.

Use it as a way to feel better and a launching point. But don’t allow it to mean that everything is fine now. You deserve better than that. You deserve true healing and restored trust. That, unfortunately, takes work.

Thankfully, I did realize what I truly deserved after my own husband’s affair and I did not mistake intensity for healing (although it was tempting.) You can read more about how I healed on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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Will My Marriage Ever Recover After the Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I recently heard from a wife who told me that she was afraid that her marriage (and her life) was never going to recover after her husband’s affair. She said, in part: “It’s been six months now, and in some ways, I feel as though things are even worse than the day I found out he was cheating. I just can’t seem to make any progress, get over this, or move on. I am so angry and bitter and I hate feeling this way. At first, he seemed to be sorry and genuine but now he’s lost his patience with me and all we do is shoot each other dirty looks or nasty remarks. I feel like I’m living in the middle of a nightmare. Is there any way possible that my marriage can recover or is this all I have to look forward to? Because if it is, I think I’m better off cutting my losses now and walking away.”

This correspondence was really heartbreaking. No one deserves to feel as if they are going to wake up each morning to more of the same without any chance for improvement. Dealing with the aftermath of an affair is difficult enough without knowing that you’re not making any real progress. The good news was that there were many things that this couple hadn’t yet tried.

In fact, neither had really taken any action after the affair. The wife found out about it, was understandably furious, and closed herself off. The husband made half-hearted apologies at first but once he saw that his wife was going to remain angry and didn’t even want to listen to him, he too gave up. So at this point what you had were two angry, misunderstood, and frustrated people who were just sort of treading water and waiting for the other one to make the first move. Very clearly, someone needed to do something. I will discuss this more in the following article.

In Order To Recover After An Affair, Most People Need To See Some Real Changes, Adjustments, Concessions, And Improvements: The marriage wasn’t recovering because nothing at all was being done in regard to it. Both people were just sort of walking through their day-to-day life without ever addressing that big marital elephant sitting right in the center of the room (that they were both walking around at this time.)

Admittedly, most of the efforts and concessions lay with the husband since he was the one who set this whole thing into motion. But, he was treading lightly since he had no idea what the wife wanted from him. Someone had to break the ice. Because he was thinking that she didn’t want him to even approach her. But, because he wasn’t even trying to approach her, she thought that he just didn’t care. Neither of these things were true.

In order to stop the standoff, I advised the wife to bring attention to the obvious. Of course, the words that she used were going to depend on her personality, but she needed to express that she did not want to continue to live this way and she needed to tell her husband that she wanted to see some changes and advances being made on his part.

At the end of the day, most couples need the same things in order for the marriage to recover after the affair. They need to be committed to the marriage. They need a working plan. They need to identify those things that contributed to the affair and banish those. They need to work together to restore trust and open communication. With this taken care of, they need to restore the affection and sense of connection. And they will usually need some individual efforts to address doubts, self-esteem, and individual happiness and fulfillment.

Finally, both people need to at least be open to the idea that not only can the marriage recover, it can be better. Even if you have your doubts about this, it helps to take a “wait and see” attitude and at least entertain the fact that it might happen so that you don’t give up prematurely.

Many Marriages Recover After An Affair. Why Can’t Yours Be One Of Them?: I can’t tell you how many wives tell me that, deep down, they just don’t think that their marriage will recover. When I ask them why, they say that they just “can’t” get over it. Here’s the truth. Many of us who are now sitting in our recovered marriages thought the exact same thing. You don’t have to believe with all your heart that you’re going to be just fine (especially in the beginning.) But, you do have to commit to seeing things through until you can make a more educated decision.

Because in the early stages of recovery, things are still very fresh and confusing. You may well feel incredibly differently next week or next month. And sometimes, the best thing that you can do is to just not place so much pressure on yourself and commit to only seeing what you can do to take baby steps toward where you want to go. It’s unrealistic to think that your entire marriage will be fully recovered in a short period. It’s a process. It’s not always linear.

Sometimes, you just have to keep moving forward, evaluating what you want and need, and then asking for it. So many times, I see marriages fall apart even when both people secretly want to make it work. The vast majority of the time, this is due to a combination of fear and misunderstandings. The faithful spouse often thinks the cheating spouse isn’t really sorry while the cheating spouse thinks they’ll never be able to make things right. So both people remain frustrated and just sort of watch helplessly rather than taking any action.

Action is usually always better than misunderstandings. Even if the action is awkward or difficult, it’s still better than resentment based on incorrect assumptions. If your marriage hasn’t yet recovered, know that many do. And consider committing to just trying to do something every single day to move yourself forward even if that only means speaking up and being honest about what you really want and feel. These things are better than just giving up. And if they don’t work, at least you will know you tried rather than just witnessing this decline without trying to stop it.

Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is strong today, even after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self-esteem is intact and I’m no longer fixated that he will cheat again. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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How Do You Forgive A Spouse Who Won’t Confess To Cheating Or Having An Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, I hear from a spouse who is fully aware that their spouse is cheating and having an affair. They feel that they have sufficient proof to know the whole truth. In their hearts, they know that he is cheating and they are more than ready to deal with that. At this point, they just want to begin to move on. However, they aren’t sure how they are going to do this when their spouse continues to deny that anything has happened. This can be infuriating, especially when you feel that you’re working really hard to make some concessions and he won’t even give enough to admit what you already know is true.

In this situation, you might hear a comment like: “I know that my husband has been cheating with a coworker. There is no doubt in my mind. I don’t even question this a little. In fact, I have talked with the other woman on the phone and she has confirmed everything. She has told me when it started and what exactly has happened. She told me that she was going to break things off because now that she sees me as a real person with real pain, she can’t just continue on with the lying and the deception anymore. There is a relief to know that. And it makes me feel that if I don’t have to worry about the affair still going on, I can begin to place my focus on healing, forgiving, and moving forward. The problem is that my husband refuses to confess. I have confronted him with details about my conversation with the other woman and he insists that she is just a woman who is obsessed with him, but he says that he doesn’t feel the same way about her. He doesn’t have any explanation about the texts that I have seen between them other than to say that they sometimes flirt with one another, but that is as far as it goes. I don’t believe this. It’s awful to say but I believe the other woman over my husband. I know him very well and I can tell when he is lying. I know that he is lying now. The irony of this whole thing is that if he would just confess, I think that I could forgive him and move on. But it doesn’t appear that he plans to tell the truth. How can I forgive him if he won’t confess?”

This is a tough question. I am only speaking from my own experience, from which I formed the opinion that I am about to share. But I am not sure if I could forgive him if he was continuing to lie to me. I firmly believe from my own life that forgiveness is more for the person doing the forgiving then for the person being forgiven. You do it because you don’t want to carry the anger on your shoulders any longer. You want to release yourself from that fear, anger and negativity.

With that said, I think that for the most part, it is easier to forgive if you see that the person is making a real effort and is genuinely remorseful. If he is continuing to lie and is looking you right in the eye and denying what you already know to be the truth, then I would think that there is still more work to do before you are at that place where you can very honestly forgive.

Attempting To Get To The Truth. Why He’s Lying In The First Place: I believe that most often, people lie about the affair for a couple of reasons. The first is that they do not want to face the consequences for their actions. And the second is that they do not want to hurt you. It can help to show them that these two things are going to happen anyway, whether they make the admission or not.

A suggested way to start this conversation might be: “I know that you insist that there was no affair. But, you are asking me to ignore the facts and the evidence right in front of me and instead listen to someone who has already admitted to inappropriate behavior and secrecy. This just doesn’t make sense. You are asking me to turn away from common sense and the proof that is right in front of me. I suspect that you don’t want to hurt me and you don’t want to put our marriage in jeopardy, but I can tell you that both of these things have already happened. You need to understand that the worst case scenario is already here. And, if you want to begin to make this better, then you need to just tell me the truth so that we can begin to move on. We can’t do this if you continue to keep the truth from me. What you don’t understand is that I already know. Your putting my knowledge into words isn’t going to make it worse than it already is. But what is going to make it worse is for you to continue to try to deceive me. I’m going to have much more respect for you if you stand up and take responsibility for your actions. I can and will go out and get further proof. But that is a waste of our precious time. It only delays us getting to work. I’m asking you once again to have enough respect and commitment to me to tell me the truth.”

I can’t promise that he will suddenly come clean, but at least you have communicated with him that he’s really not gaining anything by lying to you. Once he sees that it’s really not helping his cause to continue to lie, he will hopefully just show some integrity and own up to what he has done.  Because when he does that, forgiveness will be much easier.  Perhaps I am petty and spiteful but I couldn’t forgive my own husband until I believed in his remorse.  However, I will say that forgiveness was freeing and helpful. If it helps, you can read about my own forgiveness on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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What Are The Chances Or Odds My Husband Will Marry The Other Woman Or Mistress

One of the common concerns that I hear from wives whose husbands have had an affair is whether he will end up having a long term relationship with (or even end up marrying) the woman with whom he was cheating. Often, the husband seems to be quite infatuated with the other woman and the wife wants to know if this is just a passing phase or if this relationship is going to one that actually lasts.

I often hear comments like “my husband has been having an affair for the past few months. He isn’t sure if he wants to save our marriage or if he wants to stay with the other woman. She seems to have some sort of power over him and he doesn’t seem willing to give her up right now. Is there any chance that he will be with this woman for the long term or that he would actually marry her? Is there any chance my kids might one day call this woman their step mother? Because the thought of this just turns my stomach.”

I have a definite opinion on this, but I wanted to see if I could find any statistics or studies to support my opinion. I was able to find one study which indicated marriage rates after an affair and another which showed divorce rates (of those people who did end up marrying the person they cheated with).

Statistics On How Many Relationships That Start Out As An Affair End In Marriage: I was able to find one study that looked at this specific issue. The researchers followed married businessmen who had affairs. Of those men who were followed, only 3 percent ended up marrying the woman with whom they had an affair later. That’s a pretty low number and it didn’t really surprise me because, from my observations on my blog, the number of affairs that end up being very long term are relatively low.

I found another study where a psychiatrist looked at the divorce rate for men who did end up marrying the other woman. Only 25 percent of those couples stayed together after the marriage. 75 percent ended up eventually getting a divorce. The reasons suggested for this high divorce rate included distrust of the other person, a general distrust of marriage in general, guilt, and disappointment with the reality of the relationship when compared with the previous fantasy of the relationship.

My Take On These Statistics: Why I Think Many Relationships That Start As Affairs Are Usually Destined To Fail: These figures don’t surprise me all that much. I know that many husbands feel as if they’ve found the perfect person for them when they have an affair. And we’re sometimes bombarded with media images of celebrities who meet on movie sets and have instant chemistry and think they’ve fallen in love and can’t be without one another – whether both are married or not. There can be a romantic or fantasy notion about affairs that are hard to overcome.

But in reality and in every day life, these relationships have a lot stacked against them. They are based on deceit, fantasy, and quite often, guilt. And once these two get married, they often find out that the reality isn’t quite as alluring as the fantasy was.

There often is quite a lot of suspicion and unease also. After all, if you cheated with your spouse when they were married, what is to keep them from cheating on you during your marriage also? Sure, every one wants to think that they are “special” or “different” but as time passes, doubts will often set in.

And although many wives don’t believe this, the other woman or the mistress can be very insecure about the husband’s first wife or previous family. Many wives don’t believe that she can sometimes feel doubt or wonder if she too will become second best, but it is true.

That’s not to say that no relationships that start as affairs make it or become lasting. Obviously, a few do. But often no one knows this in the beginning and people often make up their minds and see the truth only over time. That’s why I don’t advocate making assumptions or acting on fear.

How To Handle It If You’re Obsessing Over Or Worrying About Your Husband Marrying The Other Woman: I know that this is an extremely difficult situation. It’s very hard to watch your husband act so silly about someone else – especially when you know that he’s seeing someone who doesn’t even really exist in reality.

And I know that you probably sometimes want to point this out to him, lash out, or become so angry that you throw up your hands. But once you do something that you regret, you can’t take it back. If you are really sure that you still want your husband and want to save your marriage (and there is nothing wrong with taking your time to determine this,) then you are often in a better position if you just allow this relationship to run its course.

As you can see from the statistics, the odds are not good for your husband and the other woman. So often, you really don’t need to do anything but wait and conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of. It’s a good idea to focus on your own healing in the meantime. That way, when your husband realizes that he was wrong and incredibly silly, you will be stronger, healthier, and better able to make important decisions.

Does this mean that you let him have a relationship with both you and the other woman? I can’t answer that for you. I do think that it puts you in a better position when you don’t allow yourself to be in the middle of a love triangle. My take on this is to suggest that he take the time he obviously needs and you’ll be working on yourself in the meantime.

Because once your husband eventually comes to his senses, you will want to be in best strategic position as is possible. And right now, in my opinion, it’s better to think in the long term. Because frankly, statistically speaking, your being with your husband for the long term is more likely than him being with the other woman, although it may not appear that way right now.

Surviving The Affair is a blog I put together to share my story in the hopes that it helps someone else. I know that this is a very difficult time, and that forgiveness can be elusive, but working through it can truly be worth the effort. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, better times were ahead. My marriage eventually recovered and is stronger than ever. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem remained in tact. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Do Men Really Love The Mistress Or The Other Woman? Or Are They Just Infatuated?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are so hurt because their husband thinks that he is in love with the other woman or the mistress. And the wife sometimes has to begrudgingly admit that she can’t help but notice a change in her husband. He seems more carefree or optimistic. His outlook seems to have changed. He says he hasn’t felt this good or this young in years.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband has announced that he’s in love with the other woman from his work and he’s telling me that there’s nothing that I can do or say because he can’t help the way that he feels. Suddenly, he’s being affectionate to our children and kind to his mother. I feel like I don’t have any recourse or any way to fight back. My friends say that men just think they love the mistress because the sex is good and suddenly he has a little excitement in his life. Are my friends right? Are men just infatuated with the other woman? Or can it really be love?”

I have a definite opinion on this, but it’s probably not a very objective one. I have been the spouse who was cheated on, although my husband was under no delusions that he was in love. And I hear from a lot of people in this situation. As the result, it is my opinion that very often, men are infatuated rather than truly in love. I will tell you some of the reasons behind my opinion below.

In Order To Feel Real Love, You Need To Truly Know And Value The Other Person As They Really Are: I would argue that if you were to ask one of these men who were supposedly “in love” with their mistress what it was that he loved about her, you’d get some pretty predictable responses. Men will often point out her particular physical attributes (“she’s young and hot”) or they will describe the way that she makes him feel. Examples of this are things like “she understands me” or “she makes me feel alive.”

Rarely will you hear him say that she is an honorable person with a kind heart or that he admires her strength and courage. And there’s a very good reason for this. He often doesn’t know her well enough to even know about these attributes.  He only knows her on the surface. And their interactions are only based on having as much fun together in the shortest amount of stolen time. So it’s unrealistic to think that they are going to develop a real or meaningful relationship.

It’s Easy For Him To Be Infatuated With The Person That He Wants Or Needs Her To Be: Men often see a very distorted version of the other woman. In fact, he will often mold her until she is who he needs her to be in his own mind.  See, he has to make her into someone who is really special because otherwise, it wouldn’t make sense for him to risk his marriage or to act this dishonorably. So he will build her up and he will project onto her the things that he wants her to be.

If he’s been feeling insecure about himself, then she is suddenly the one who gives him confidence. If he’s been feeling misunderstood or taken for granted, then suddenly she’s the one who really appreciates or gets him. If his wife doesn’t pay attention to what’s important to him, then suddenly the other woman is the most observant and attentive woman in the world. But here’s the thing. Although all of these thoughts and distortions feel great in the beginning, they often are not sustainable. The longer that the relationships lasts, the more likely it is that eventually reality is going to set in. One day, he’s going to see her in her curlers or without make up. Or one day, she will snap at him or make demands that show her true colors or the true nature of the relationship.

Reality Is Not As Exciting As Fantasy: The truth is that no one person and no one relationship is perfect. No one is going to complete your life except for you. And men will often think that adding another woman or a new relationship to their life is suddenly going to make them happy when they haven’t changed one thing in their life or their behaviors. Real love that is rooted in reality comes with knowing all the facts about the other person, including their attributes and their flaws, and loving them anyway. Real love comes from hanging in there when the other person needs you even when things aren’t perfect or easy.

“Love” that is build on deception and that happening while deceiving your partner isn’t real. It’s fantasy. It feels fun and exciting at the time, but often guilt and reality come calling. It’s very hard to feel good about the relationship deep in your heart where it counts. Because you know that you’ve lied and you’ve cheated the one that you’ve promised to love the most. And in the quiet corners of your mind (when you’re not with that other person and experiencing the high of the new relationship,) that starts to eat at you.

So to answer the question posed, I do believe that many men are infatuated with the other woman because they’ve built her up to be who they need her to be at the time. Of course, men sometimes tell me that their mistress is now their wife and that they’re blissfully happy with their new soul mate, but I believe that this is the exception rather than the rule.

Now, I fully admit that I am not the most objective person.  But I just don’t believe that true love can come out of deceit and fantasy.  I also believe that many men eventually come to their senses and return to reality.  Luckily, my husband knew that his relationship with the other woman wasn’t real, but we had other challenges in our recovery.  Thankfully, we were able to overcome them.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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