Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

I often hear from people who are trying to come to terms with their spouse’s affair. One of the most common questions that we all have is: why? It is an understandable question. But when you really stop to think about it, you come to realize that it is so unlikely to get an answer that actually makes sense. Very often, the spouse who cheated can’t even give himself a straight answer. So, it’s very unlikely that he is going to be able to put into words what contributed to him making such a drastic mistake.

Still, that doesn’t stop us from trying to get answers. This process is usually so painful that we come to believe that knowledge is power. We start to think that if we knew why this happened, we might keep it from happening again. That’s why it can be so disappointing when, after our spouse FINALLY gives us that answer and tries to explain “why,” he actually tells us that one of the problems was us.

Someone might explain, “It was actually quite a while before I got my husband to give me any decent answers about this affair. He would finally give me the who, what, when, and where. But he would never give me the why. I kept hounding him though. And last night, he gave it up. He said that being married to me is not always the most pleasant experience because I nag sometimes and I often get down emotionally and so I drag him down with me. He went on this long spiel about how he guessed that the affair was just some form of escape. I was pretty much speechless. He’s now trying to tell me that the affair is all my fault. Ironically, this is the very first time he’s EVER complained that I nag. I do not think that this is true. When I remind him of things, it’s because it’s something that’s very important and I can’t just let it slide. I DO get down sometimes, but that is because I am having issues dealing with my parent’s aging and illnesses. So yes, sometimes I do feel overwhelmed. But how about supporting me instead of having an affair? Is my husband just a jerk, or do all men say this?”

Many men do actually try to float this justification. And many are shut right down by their wives. I think that part of the reason that they come up with this is because it can be hard to put into words the stupid, actual reasons that men cheat. Who wants to say, “I did it because she was available and I had no impulse control.” Or “I was a complete and total idiot who didn’t use good judgement.” Or “I had no integrity whatsoever and I didn’t think that you would find out.” Or finally, “I have low self esteem and was feeling awful about myself and having someone else desire me made me feel better.” I hope I’m effectively making my point? The real reasons that people cheat often have to do with poor decision making, poor impulse control, and poor self esteem. Who wants to own up to that? It’s easier to ATTEMPT to shift the blame. No one says that you have to accept the blame, though.

My husband did attempt this with me. I was very angry at first. But after some time passed, I asked myself if there was any validity in what he was saying. I asked myself this because at that time, I was just looking to improve MYSELF. I didn’t even know if we would save our marriage. I decided that there were a few things that he said that were valid. I did work on those things. No marriage is perfect. Today, those improvements have helped our marriage. My husband made his own set of improvements. Even so, I never accepted the blame for the affair. Regardless of what I did or did not do, an affair is a choice. A person with integrity would have approached me with his gripes BEFORE he cheated. I am pretty firm on that belief and I have never changed it.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with making it clear that you are just not going to buy it. You can say, “I know that I’ve struggled emotionally because of my parents. But I am not going to buy that this makes it okay for you to cheat on me. If you were so miserable that you wanted to go elsewhere, you should have told me and given me a chance to address that. Instead, you betrayed me in the worst possible way. That isn’t acceptable. If we are ever going to heal, you are going to have to take responsibility for your actions rather than shifting the blame. I will work on my own issues, but I won’t accept the blame for your actions.”

I said some variation on this to my own husband. I am pretty sure that he expected that I would reject most of his claims. Many unfaithful spouses will try it anyway, thinking that if they can at least minimize some of the blame, that’s something. They don’t realize that they might be making it worse. I figured it was better to make it very clear that I would not accept it, so he would stop trying, which he did.  After that, he did take responsibility for his actions and I have to admit that, after some bumps in the road, he has done a good job of being accountable and fulfilling his promises. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I sometimes hear from wives who have done their research and know that, statistically speaking, most affairs come to an end relatively quickly.  They try to keep this in mind when their husband is dragging his feet about ending the affair or insisting that he needs “more time” to make up his mind.  However, quite understandably, it can be difficult to have patience in this situation. A wife might struggle with whether to just cut her losses and leave or whether to give it a little more time, knowing that statistics are on her side.  This decision can be even more difficult when children are involved.

Someone may have a scenario like this one: “my husband has not ended his affair.  He says that he just needs more time to end things decently.  I worry that he’s not ending it because he really has no intention of doing so. I worry that he wants to be with the other woman.  He swears that this isn’t the case.  This debate has only been going on for days and I am already impatient with this.  I am tempted to tell him to pack his things and get out.  I am tempted to just call it a day and move on with my life.  But then I think about my kids.  And I think about growing old alone.  And I imagine  him crying and begging me to have patience.  I don’t know what to do.  I know that the vast majority of affairs end.  But it’s almost a pride thing.  Part of me says that I should wait it out.  And another part of me says that he doesn’t deserve my patience.”

I know that this is a tough choice.  And you are right.  Statistically speaking, if you wait it out, the affair will usually end.  But, I guess an important question is, what will your life be like while you are waiting?  And, is this life acceptable to you?  I can share what many wives have done in this situation with some success.  Like you, they didn’t want to just sit idly by while their husband was still technically having an affair (even when he claimed that he was trying to break it off.)  So, they told him that while he was deciding, they were going to do their own thing and not participate in the marriage as they usually would.  They didn’t file for a divorce or separation.  They didn’t move out.  But they also weren’t actively participating in the marriage like everything was normal.  This meant no sex.  And no martial benefits or obligations.  That way, they didn’t feel like they were being taken advantage of and their husband had an incentive to end the affair more quickly if he was still invested in his marriage.

Sometimes, this is the push that the husband needs to end things and to prioritize the marriage.  Other times, the wife gets tired of waiting and decides that none of this is working for her.  It’s difficult to predict the outcome until you try it, but you might tell your husband something like this: “I hear you saying that you need time and I suppose that I can’t change that.  But it’s very unrealistic of you to think that I’m just going to wait around while you are participating in a relationship with someone else.  A marriage is a relationship between two people, not three people.  So we can’t work on our marriage while the affair is going on because we really don’t have one.  I’ll be sleeping in another room.  Because of the kids, I have no immediate plans to leave, but that may change.  I can’t keep my self respect and just continue on like nothing is happening.  For now, I will stay put.  But I can’t participate in our marriage until we have a marriage that only contains two people.  So when you break off the affair, you let me know and we will go from there.  Until then, I will work on myself and turn my attention toward our children.  You let me know when you are ready to move forward.”

I do not know how anyone can fault you in this scenario.  You are not ending your marriage abruptly and you are giving him a chance, but you can’t be expected to continue with your marriage like nothing has happened.  You have every right to put that on hold until he ends the affair.  Then you wait.  Some of the time, this will nudge him to end it.  Other times, he will still stall and you will need to evaluate how long you are willing to wait.  But you won’t know how that is going to play out until you make your expectations clear.  No plan is perfect.  But what I like about this plan is that it allows you to keep your self respect and it forces him to show you his true feelings.

Hopefully, he will quickly do the right thing and then you can begin to move forward.  Never apologize for wanting to be made a priority and to be treated with respect.  You’re welcome to read about my healing and growing process after my spouse’s affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Standing my ground allowed me to keep my self respect.

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Understandably, wives who are dealing with infidelity want their husbands to feel just as alarmed and hurt by this situation as they are. They want him to feel the depth and gravity of what he has done. They want him to be every bit as upset about this as everyone else – perhaps even more so. That’s why it can be so disappointing when your husband wants to downplay the effects of his affair. He may tell you that he’s trying to see the positive in all of this, but it can, at times, feel as if he’s only in denial.

Someone might say, “I feel like my husband’s affair has shaken our family to its core. I feel that we are in real danger of losing everything that was supposedly important to us. I feel like this is a disaster in the making. But it appears that my husband will not take all of this as seriously as he should. When I tell him that I’m very worried for us and I’m not sure that we can survive this, his response is always something like, ‘we’ll get through it. We always do.’ This infuriates me. Yes, we have gotten through some stressful times in our marriage. And yes, some of those challenges even made us stronger. But, we have never faced anything like this. I want him to acknowledge what he has done to us. He almost seems determined not to do so. He’s repeatedly apologized, but he seems to have an answer for everything that I say. It’s not always a good answer, but this doesn’t seem to matter to him. It is so frustrating. I want to save my marriage. I truly do. But in order for me to get behind that, I need to know that he understands what he did to us. He almost acts like it’s not a big deal.”

I completely get where you are coming from. I felt the same way at many times during my own marriage after my spouse’s infidelity. I have come to realize from all the people that I talk with about this that MANY husbands take this stance. It is just human nature to want to minimize the damage of your actions. Husbands want to minimize their guilt, but they also want to convince themselves that, ultimately, everything is going to work out. And of course, that’s what we all want. But that’s not enough, since we also want validation for our feelings and concerns.

He’d love for you to just drop it, but you can’t. If you do, it will minimize the seriousness of the affair and you will always worry that he will do it again. That is why it is a good idea to require some sort of lengthy rehabilitation. Many people do this with counseling. Some use self help. Whatever you do, there should be ample opportunity for you to be heard and for any issues that lead up to the affair to be identified and dealt with. Only then are you ever going to have the confidence that he understands what he has done. When he has to go through all of the work and time of rehabilitation because of his own actions, believe me, he will understand how serious this is.

With that said, this usually means that you are also going to have to sit through the counseling or do the work. It may not be a picnic for you either. But at least you will have a place to be heard. Rehabilitation isn’t always a fun path to take – for either party. But it is the only way that you will be confident that you’re fully healed and that both you and your husband were committed enough to do this right and to not just gloss over your problems. This tells you that you valued your marriage enough to actually rebuild it to a healthy place where it could actually thrive again – rather than just survive or limp along.

You might start with addressing this in a new way the next time your husband dismisses you. I’d suggest something like, “well I certainly hope that we do get through it. But I want to do more than just get through it. We deserve a healthy and happy family. Our kids deserve a loving home without resentment or awkwardness. Therefore, I want to do this the right way. I don’t want to just get through it. I want to actually heal and thrive again. I want us to actually rehabilitate our marriage rather than just allowing it to limp along. I know that this is going to take work. But it’s worth it to me because I don’t want to continue on with suspicions and resentment. I want for us to one day be happy again, but I know that I’m going to need complete rehabilitation to make that happen.”

He may not be thrilled about this request, but most people want to eventually get back to their normal life again and common sense will tell you that you have to rebuild in order to get that. You can’t just pretend that nothing happened. Not many men are happy about rehabilitation. But if they really want to take responsibility and save their marriage, they will do it. And that is when they will understand exactly what they’ve done – when they have to do the work to make it right. Believe me, doing rehabilitation work is a GREAT deterrent to cheating again. And honestly, knowing that your husband would hate to have to repeat this gives you the confidence that he will not only think twice about ever cheating again, but he will motivated to want a healthier marriage.  You can read more about how I got my husband to commit to rehabilitation at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  When you’re an outsider looking in, it’s hard to understand how a wife can blame herself when her husband cheats or has an affair.  Before this happens to you, you probably think it’s very clear cut that if a husband cheats or has an affair, then he (and the other woman) are very clearly to blame.

But when an affair or cheating does happen in your own marriage, the lines become somewhat blurred.  Everything you assumed about how you would react or what you would do seem to go right out of the window.  And you might just suddenly find (even though you may not realize it) that you’re also putting a lot of blame on yourself.   Most of us know that this doesn’t make any sense whatsoever since we aren’t the ones who cheated or had an affair.  But, for whatever reason, we blame ourselves anyway.

In the following article, I will discuss why wives sometimes blame ourselves when our husband cheats or has an affair and how to stop this cycle and focus on things that are more constructive and healthy.

Sometimes, Wives Blame Themselves For Their Husband’s Infidelity Because It Seems Easier And It Seems To Give You More Control:  I have to say, that just because a woman might secretly or deep down blame herself for her husband’s infidelity, this doesn’t mean that she isn’t blaming him, the other woman, or thinks that there isn’t enough blame to go around.

She often does blame every one involved. It’s just that deep down, she worries what she could (or should) have done to prevent this.  And she looks at her marriage that was once happy and wonders what she might have done to make everything change.  She wonders how she could have missed the signs and thinks that maybe she took her husband for granted, didn’t show him enough appreciation, or keep him satisfied enough to stay faithful.

And even though there’s a little voice in the back of her head telling her that this is all nonsense, she will sometimes still feel partly to blame.  I think that part of the reason for this is that you suspect that if you blame yourself, you have more control.  After all, you have control over and can actually change your own actions.  But this isn’t true of your husband or anyone else (like the other woman.)

So, in that sense, it’s actually easier to blame yourself and theorize that if you are to blame, at least you have the ability to change your actions, and hopefully by doing that, you can also change the course of how things turn out.

Sometimes, Wives Blame Themselves For Their Husband’s Affairs Or Cheating Because The So Called Experts Tell Us That Men Cheat Because They Don’t Feel Appreciated, Etc.:  It actually makes my blood boil when I see so called experts tell wives that men cheat because they don’t feel understood and appreciated.

I don’t debate that many men who cheat will tell you (and likely feel) this exact same thing.  And I certainly don’t claim to be an expert myself.  But, I am a woman who has been cheated on and I certainly believe in free will.  Every one has times in their marriage when they feel that they aren’t heard or appreciated.  This includes wives.  But not every one goes out and cheats on their spouse.

Women with unfaithful husbands certainly have enough to worry about without someone telling them that actually, his infidelity is her own fault since she didn’t pour on enough attention or affection.  This insinuates that the husband isn’t a grown man who can’t ask for what he needs rather than being dishonest and unfaithful.

Certainly, part of the recovery process if you’re saving your marriage is identifying these types of issues and understanding any feelings that might have lead up to the cheating.  But assigning blame on wives who didn’t cheat isn’t even close to being fair.

What To Do If You Are Blaming Yourself For Your Husband’s Cheating Or His Affair:  I know that no matter what I say, you’re likely still going to blame yourself, at least somewhat.  And you can also vow to stop doing this and find that it’s easier said than done.  I know this because I did it myself.  My brain knew that I wasn’t really to blame, but my heart just didn’t buy it.

If you find yourself in this position, my suggestion would be to just acknowledge it, take any insights you gain from it, and then move on in a way that is going to keep your self esteem and dignity in tact.  For example, let’s say you worry that your husband cheated because you let your sex life slide.

The most constructive way to deal with this would be to acknowledge it and ask yourself how you can use this concern to strengthen your marriage (or any other relationship in the future if you don’t save your marriage.)    At the end of the day, you want for something good to come out of this.  So if these thoughts bring your attention to something you can change and improve upon, then that’s the whole point and actually a positive thing. If focusing on the changes in your sex life inspire you to improve it, then that’s actually a good thing.

But no good comes out of allowing yourself to think that someone’s actions are your fault, that you’re not good enough, or that you yourself are lacking in some way.  Taking the blame onto yourself doesn’t really help anyone. The blame really does lie with the two people who carried out the cheating.

But if you can look at this and learn something constructive about yourself and your marriage that actually leads to an improvement, then that’s the best way to approach it.  You want to set it up so that some good comes out of the bad.  And when you’re continuing to beat yourself up and blame yourself, this can’t happen.   And things end up being worse rather than better.

I totally get the blame game after your husband cheats or has an affair as I played it myself.  I thought it was all my fault for leaving him (and our marriage vulnerable.)  But after a while I realized this truly was a losing game and I decided to focus on making things better rather than making myself feel worse.  If it helps you can read more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com .  There are also some good free newsletter resources on the side of this blog

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I sometimes hear from wives who somewhat regret their harsh reaction to their husband’s affair.  Understandably, the wife had a strong reaction.  But she still feels that she has said and done some things that she now regrets.  Many fear that they have damaged their marriage with what they now see as an overreaction, and they want to try to reverse the damage.  Many try to talk about this with their husband, but they still feel misunderstood.  So they consider writing a letter, but they are not quite sure what to say.

There might be a situation like this one: “when I found out about my husband’s affair, I temporarily went crazy.  I told my husband’s family all about it.  I told some of his coworkers.  I told people at our church.  I was pretty much hoping that I could make people think less of my husband so that everyone would be as mad at him as I was.  Well, it worked.  There are now some people who are no longer speaking to my husband.  He is having a hard time at work because of this.  I also made my husband move out and therefore he hasn’t gotten to see his kids as much as he might like.  To be honest, at the time, I felt justified in this.  But a mutual friend of ours saw my husband at the grocery store.  And the friend reported back to me that my husband was disheveled and broken.  Apparently, my husband told the friend that his decision to have an affair ruined his life.  He didn’t place any of the blame on me and he said that he would give his right arm to have me back.  When I heard about this conversation, I admit that I softened.  Then, I called my husband and I asked if he wanted to come over and spend some time with the kids.  We had a very good conversation during that visit.  And I did apologize to him for trying to smear his name within our community.  I was stunned when he told me that no apology was necessary.  He said that he deserved everything that came to him and that he does not blame me a bit.  He said that it was his choice to cheat and now he has to face the consequences.  Then he apologized to me and he started crying. He said that I will never know how sorry he is.  After he left, I felt so guilty and I realized that I still love him, but he doesn’t know that.  So I want to write him a letter because I don’t think that I could get this out face-to-face.  I told a friend of mine about this and she said it’s bizarre that I want to write a love letter to my cheating husband. Is it?  She says that it sounds like I’m letting him off the hook.”

I don’t think that you necessarily need to call it a love letter.  And I also definitely don’t think that you should let him off the hook or that you should shift the responsibility from him to yourself.  Yes, you may have acted a little harshly.  But considering the betrayal, it is not uncommon.  You have also already apologized and your husband basically accepted your apology and did not blame you.  So I don’t think that you need to go overboard with future apologies.  If your husband hadn’t cheated, you would not have reacted in the way that you did.  There is nothing wrong with you taking responsibility for your reaction, but you have already done that in person.

It can feel very therapeutic to write a letter, but I’d suggest stopping short of alluding to fact that now everything is okay.  It’s GREAT that you have come to an understanding, but you are still in the early days of this process.  There is still so much work to be done.  You don’t want to minimize that.  You don’t want for your husband to get the impression that he doesn’t need to do the work.  You can basically say that you are sorry that you brought other people into the situation and that you now regret your harsh reaction.  You can tell him that you’d like to interact in a more positive way moving forward and that you still love him and hope that you work it out.  But I don’t think that you need to go on and on about this because you don’t want to put yourself in a situation where YOU are the one doing the apologizing while he is the one who looks like the injured party.  You are the innocent and injured party.  Sure, you have both made mistakes and can take responsibility for them.  But his is the bigger mistake and you don’t want to shift the dynamic that keeps him from taking responsibility for his actions.

This is just my opinion as someone who has gone through this.  Of course you always want to treat each other with dignity and respect.  And if you regret your behavior, there is no harm in saying so and apologizing, like you have.  If you want to tell your husband that you love him in writing, there is no harm in this, either.  But don’t lose sight of the fact that this is still a lot of work to do and that you still expect him to do it.

I know that I might sound harsh, but I also know that many men will take any opportunity that they can get to shortchange the rehabilitation process.  That’s the same process that is going to force your husband to do the work in order to regain the trust.  You don’t want to shortchange yourself of that.  So I’d make sure that your letter doesn’t give him that impression.  If it helps, you can read about my own recovery process at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who don’t understand why they are still angry or resentful when so much time has passed since their husband has cheated or had an affair.  Often, they believe that they have done everything in their power to heal.  And that enough time has passed for things to calm down.  And yet, even though they have made some progress in other areas of their life or in their marriage, the anger and the resentment remains.  And it can be tiring and depressing to worry that there is really no improvement in sight.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband’s affair has been over for five years.  He has done most of what I have asked him to do.  I believe that he has been faithful.  In some ways, our marriage has recovered somewhat.  I do still love him and I want to stay because of my children and because I so highly value my family.  But the one thing that I can not get over is my anger.  I find myself making sarcastic comments about him in my own mind.  I will insult him without actually saying the words.  I always find myself rolling my eyes.  The other day, I was looking of photos of our family on a recent vacation and I just looked mad and mean.  I didn’t realize that I always came off this way, but I’ve started trying to notice more.  I even find myself lashing out at my kids sometimes and I would have never have done this before.  After the affair, things changed for me.  I have always been an optimistic and upbeat person, but that is no longer true since the betrayal.  It wounded me deeply and I guess I might not ever recover.  Why do I still have so much anger and resentment?  And will it ever improve?  Or is this just my life now?”

I think that things can always improve.  But before that can happen,  you have to identify the source of your anger and then address it.  And often, you feel even more angry when you look around and realize that your expectations and hopes haven’t yet been met, even after all of this time.  Often, you find yourself admitting that you would have thought that things would have improved.  The disappointment that your goals haven’t been realized can actually continue to feed the anger and the resentment so that you are caught up in one huge cycle.

It’s Never Too Late To Revisit The Issues That Never Got Settled:  It’s very important that you be honest with yourself right now.  If there is still anger, it’s a safe bet that there are still issues that were never settled.  Often, these are things like the wife wondering if the husband is really remorseful.  Or, it is the wife wondering why the husband stays with her when she is still angry.  As a result, she worries that he doesn’t really and truly want to be there.  And this gives was to those little doubts that he may cheat again.

Sometimes, she feels as if she is the one who has made all of the concessions while his life really didn’t change.  She can think that she is the one who had to deal with the pain and the betrayal while the husband has been free of all of this.  And understandably, this can lead to feelings that this situation is never going to be equitable or fair.

But sometimes, you have to take the initiative and make things equitable for yourself.  This means that you now have the opportunity to craft and ask for the marriage that you want and deserve.  And in this way, you are turning a negative situation into a positive outcome.  This may sound weird,  but there are some things about my husband’s affair for which I am grateful because it pushed and inspired me to change things about the way the I lived my live and the way that I approached my marriage. These changes have been incredibly helpful to me and have changed my life.  Understanding that I am grateful for these things has helped to dissipate some of my anger.

Are There Any Outstanding Behaviors That Your Husband Needs To Change?:  Sometimes, the husband is continuing on with behaviors that are disrespectful or risky.  For example, he might flirt with women and think it’s harmless.  Or, he will make subtle little implications when you ask him to check in.  He may not give these things a second thought, but they may anger you more than even you know.  If this is happening, then you need to bring this to your husband’s attention.  Wives often hesitate to do this because they don’t want to rock the boat.  But honestly, often he would rather you be honest than for you to remain angry.

Ask Yourself If You Anger Is Directed At Anyone Other Than Your Husband:  I am going to be brutally honest right now. I tell you this because I experienced it and I see many wives struggle with it.  Sometimes, our anger is directed at ourselves as much as it is directed at him.  We’re angry that we didn’t see it coming. We’re angry that we left our marriage vulnerable.  And we’re angry that for whatever reason, we haven’t truly recovered.  If you are angry at yourself, it’s best to be honest and do some self work so that you can let this go.  This isn’t your fault. You are not the one who cheated.  And you are dealing with it the best that you can.

But to answer the question posed, you can still deal with your anger and resentment.  But first you must be honest about what is causing it and then you must be very direct about addressing it.   And sometimes, you have to tell your husband what you need in order to ensure that you get it. And you also have to address any anger addressed at yourself.

As I alluded to, much of my anger was actually directed at myself.  It took me entirely too long to realize this, but once I do, I was very active about making the changes and cultivating the gratitude that helped me turn things around.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from women who feel as if they just need to contact the woman who cheated with their husband. Some of these wives want to confront the other woman face to face. They want to try to read her eyes and evaluate her truthfulness. And they feel as if there is no other way to do this except for looking her right in the eyes. Others suspect that a face to face meeting would be too difficult or that it wouldn’t really settle anything. So, they decide that maybe writing the other woman a letter or sending her an email might be viable or preferable option.

And most of the time, I agree that avoiding a face to face confrontation is the way to go. Of all of the people who contact me about this issue, I can only think of a few instances where a face to face meeting with the other woman turned out to be a positive or good thing. You often go into it thinking that having your say or facing her is going to give you closure when in fact, often times, it does the exact opposite. Often it leaves you with more questions because she won’t give you straight answers or she gives answers that are meant to hurt you or to make herself feel and look better.

Things To Think About When You’re Considering Writing A Letter To The Other Woman: While I think that avoiding a personal meeting can be a good idea, you can fall into the same pitfalls with a letter if you are not careful. I absolutely understand wanting to release your feelings. And I encourage you to do that. In fact, I encourage you to write a letter detailing every feeling, question, and frustration that you have for her. But, I don’t always recommend that you mail, email, or give her the letter. Because sometimes, just releasing your feelings will be enough to give you some relief and to help you begin to move on.

If you must actually mail the letter or send the email, think about what you want to accomplish from it. Do you just want to let her know how you feel? Are you hoping she provides some answers for you? Or you trying to corroborate your husband’s story? All of these considerations help dictate the tone and content of the letter.

Additionally, you have to think about what type of response you are hoping for from the other woman. If you’re hoping that she sympathizes with you and agrees to give you answers, then you’ll want to keep a check on your tone. If you hope that she will be sorry and apologetic, then the letter shouldn’t be overly accusatory so that she will be inclined to defend herself and not make apologies or excuses.

One other thing to think about is that once you reach out to or contact her, you are almost giving her the green light to approach you or to enter your life. And much of the time, I don’t really think that this is the best idea. After all, the real goal of moving past an affair is leaving this woman and the relationship very far behind. So be careful that you don’t invite her back in or offer her an open invitation to hang around. Because quite often, she will take any excuse to make you out to be the bad guy or to contact your husband to tell him about or show him the letter.

I understand needing to get answers, but I also know that often, the best place to get those answers is from your husband, especially since she often has no incentive whatsoever to tell you the truth. So if you’re going to open the door by sending her a letter, make sure that you are prepared for what that might bring.

I can’t and won’t tell you that you shouldn’t send the letter if you truly feel deep in your heart that it’s something that you need to do. But I also feel that I need to tell you that it often won’t totally provide you with the answers and the closure that you are hoping for and it might create even larger problems, that you have left a written trial of. That’s why I think it’s great idea to write a letter, as long as you give it a few days before you send it and then read it again and reevaluate. Think about what you are truly hoping the accomplish and ask yourself if the content and tone of the letter is in line with your wishes.

I did write a letter to the other woman, but thankfully, I did not mail it. From the correspondence I get about this, I know that the letter idea so often ends badly. And what I really wanted was to get my life and my marriage back, which I did, without ever needing to reach out to or confront her. If it helps, you can read the whole story about how our marriage recovered after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I often hear from wives who are trying very hard to come to grips with their husband’s cheating or having an affair.  One theme that I hear quite often from these women is how much their husband has changed from before the affair or cheating, after it, or both.

I often hear comments like: “My husband has changed so much since I found about his cheating and having an affair.  I almost don’t recognize him anymore.  He used to be a man of honor.  He used to be caring and thoughtful.  He used to want nothing more than to spend time with our kids doing simple things.  Now, he cares about stupid things like what he looks like, what kind of car he drives, how much fun he’s having, and how successful he is.  And I can’t talk to him the way that I used to.  He’s distracted and hurried.  I want to save my marriage more than anything.  But I’m just not sure how to relate to him anymore when he’s not even the same person.”

I hear these types of comments a lot.  As if dealing with an affair or cheating isn’t frustrating enough, now you’re having to deal with your ever changing husband – which can feel like dealing with a stranger.

Often times, these changes are not lasting.  Your husband is usually trying on different personas while he’s trying to work through something that’s going on with his life.  An affair or cheating is just one more symptom of that.  Often, he does this as almost a defense mechanism and he typically doesn’t even realize he’s doing it and will deny it when you say anything.

In the following article, I’m going to offer some tips on how to handle the changes you might be seeing in your husband after he cheated or had an affair.  By no means am I an expert, but these are the things I see on my blog and in my own experience.

Don’t Focus On Or Worry Too Much About His Changes In Personality.  They’ll Likely Go Away Once He Wakes Up:  I know there’s a real tendency to be completely disgusted by what you are seeing and to want to call him on how stupid he is being.  But it’s very unlikely that you will have to deal with this forever.  Him returning to his regular self will usually be part of the recovery process after the affair.

I know that seeing him act this way can be maddening.  But if you keep drawing his (and your) attention to what is wrong, it really does only make things worse and it can bring you further away from healing.

Why Husbands Can Appear To Change After They Cheat Or Have An Affair:  The mid life crisis is such a cliche.  But seeing an older or settled man suddenly try to act young, “embrace life” or “live again” is not an uncommon occurrence.  And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have some fun or feel alive.  But what he needs to realize is that all of these things are possible for a married family man.

And men do eventually come to realize this.  When they do, many are quite embarrassed by how they acted. Unfortunately, many don’t come to this realization any earlier if you call them on it or bring their attention to the changes you are seeing in them.  In fact, doing so will often only make them defensive and only reinforce their behavior.

So it’s hard as it might be, you’ll often be better off if you bide your time and know that this is temporary thing that’s often a defense mechanism or an attempt to deal with their shortcomings, disappointments, or personal issues.

Dealing With The Changes In Your Husband After The Affair Or The Cheating:  I know it may sound crazy when I say this, but I think the best thing to do is to ignore this until it passes.  If you keep bringing it up, he keeps getting defensive.  But if you just deal with him if you normally would, you reinforce his old self  – – and you are putting yourself in the best position.

You really should not change who you are, what you stand for, or how you handle your issues because he’s decided to suddenly act in stupid and embarrassing ways.  Don’t allow for this to make you change what you know is the right way to behave even if he doesn’t right now.

This was just one issue I had to deal with when my own husband had an affair.  Like all of the other issues, we worked through it.  Our marriage is actually very solid now and I don’t worry that he will cheat again.  If you like, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are having trouble figuring out their husband’s odd or troublesome behavior after his affair. One common example of this is defensiveness. Many wives notice their husband acting particularly defensive to any question, comment, or remark.

I recently heard from a wife who said “no matter what I say to my husband, I get a very defensive remark back. I’m not always accusing him or even talking about the affair half of the time, but I still get the same response. It’s as if he’s constantly expecting me to attack or criticize him. I won’t deny that I am angry at and disappointed in him. But what does he expect? He cheated on me and he had an affair. Of course I’m going to have questions and some angry words. I feel that I deserve that. But it’s not as if I’m constantly harping on him about it. This doesn’t matter though. No matter what I say, how I say it, or what we are talking about, I’m going to get a defensive response. Why is this? And what can I do it about it?”

I will try to discuss these questions and concerns in the following article.

Reasons That Husbands Are Defensive After An Affair: As you might imagine, there are many reasons that men might feel or act defensive after an affair. He likely knows very well that you are disappointed and angry at him, so the defensive attitude and stance that you are seeing right now is almost a preemptive strike against that. He sometimes will feel that if he can strike first with the wall he’s built around himself, he won’t feel your disappointment, hurt and anger quite so deeply.

Another reason you might feel or see him being defensive is that he feels as if he needs to justify his behavior, even to himself. So he’s always waiting and ready to tell himself (or you) that he had his reasons for acting as he did. Sometimes, this is a reaction to his feeling guilty and ashamed for what he has done so he tries to counter this with his defensiveness.

Finally, I do sometimes have men contact me on my surviving the affair blog and tell me that they constantly feel attacked by their wives about the affair. Whether this is true or not, sometimes when men feel attacked, they strike back themselves in their own way, and this is often with those defenses that they have been rehearsing in their own head. In short, this is a way for them to feel better about themselves when they know that they truly have hurt you and have made a grave mistake.

What You Can Do When Your Husband Is Being Too Defensive After He Cheats Or Has An Affair: First, you have to understand that it’s human nature to want to defend yourself when you think you’re being made out to be the sole bad guy in a situation. With that said, I certainly don’t want to imply that you are anyway at fault because you are not. Your husband is the one who made the decision to cheat. However, if his attitude is hurting or frustrating you even more, then perhaps it’s time to have an open or honest discussion about this.

Here’s just one example. The next time you notice that your husband’s defensive behavior is driving more of a wedge between you or is making the situation worse, you may want to consider saying something like: “l can’t help but notice that your responses and reaction to me are very defensive lately. I understand that you may be feeling like you want to defend or explain yourself. But, your continuing to constantly be defensive and refusing to open up isn’t really doing us any good or making our marriage better. I can’t help having questions and being disappointed or angry, but I will try to make my comments sound less like personal attacks and more like legitimate concerns. If you do end up feeling attacked, please bring it to my attention so that I can be aware of it and stop. In the same way, I will bring it to your attention when you’re being too defensive so that we can both back up and start over. Because we’re both going to have to work together and bring down our defenses, accusations, and hurtful interactions if we can save our marriage and move on. And, whether you believe it or not, that truly is what I want to do. I want for us to heal and move on, but in order to do that, I need to be able to understand what lead up to this, how you feel right now, and what can do to keep this from happening in the future. Along those lines, I need you to be open and honest with me instead of being defensive. So can we agree to both approach this differently from now on?”

Do you see that I tried to keep things positive and direct? It’s important to stress what you really and truly want. Because if you can both keep your focus on saving the marriage and moving forward, you can hopefully take the focus away from the negative things that are going on like the defensiveness and accusations.

My own husband’s defensiveness after his affair was probably at least somewhat due to my constantly attacking and questioning him. However, at the time, I wanted and needed those answers. Eventually, once we changed our focus, this cycle drastically improved and we were able to save our marriage. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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