Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: katie lersch:  I often hear from women who are very reluctant to trust their husband again after his affair.  One major issue that frequently crops up is the husband seeing, thinking about, or being with the other woman again after the affair has supposedly ended.  Usually, the husband will deny that this is going to happen, but the wife doubts it since the infidelity has shown that he isn’t exactly trustworthy.  This can leave the wife in a situation where she really does want to believe and have faith in him, but she’s afraid to do so.

I recently heard from a wife who asked, in part: “how do I know if he’s going to see the mistress or the other woman again after the affair?  I made it a condition of my trying to save the marriage that he have nothing whatsoever to do with this woman.  And he hesitated.  He said he needed time to decide what he wanted to do.  He clearly felt reluctant to let her go.  In the end, he decided to stay with me and save the marriage.  And he says he will agree not to see her again.  But how do I know that I can trust him with this?  My biggest worry is that I’ll decide to be very vulnerable and place my trust in him only to have him sneaking around again behind my back.  Is there any way to tell if he’ll see her again? Or to make sure that he won’t?”

Although this is a common issue, it feels very real and very troublesome to the woman living within it.  Dealing with your husband’s infidelity is very difficult on so many levels.  But having to worry that he’s going to see the mistress or other woman again is an issue that you just shouldn’t have to deal with.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

If You’re Concerned That Your Husband Will Continue To See The Mistress, Try To Put Some Safeguards In Place: I often suggest that wives don’t leave a lot to chance when they are working on saving their marriage after their husband’s affair.  Yes, you will need to trust him to the best of your ability.  But this is a lot easier if you both agree to some safeguards that increases your comfort level.   It’s not too much to ask of him to request that  when he’s not at work, he’s at home or with you.  It’s not an unreasonable request to ask him to check in with you often. It’s usually best if you are together as much as possible when you are rebuilding, because, when this is the case, you’re not having to worry about where he is or who he’s with.

If you know that he’s with you or regularly (or checking in with, texting, communicating with, or reaching out to you,) then these reassurances usually mean that you aren’t worrying about her nearly as much.  Some wives agree that these safeguards sound promising, but they are reluctant to ask these things of their husband.  Sometimes, they suspect that their husband will resist this or feel some resentment as the result of it.

I had a wife tell me that she worried that her husband would ask if she intended to spy on him or to keep him on a “short leash” forever.  While I suppose that these kinds of comments or responses happen, you can try to avoid this by the way that you approach this conversation.  You want to make it very clear that this is necessary for you to have confidence that he is being faithful.  You may want to offer some reassurance that this may not always be necessary, especially once you’re able to rebuild the marriage. And a man who is serious about saving his marriage will want to make concessions.  Of course, you know better than I the kinds of words and phrases that will work best for your husband, but a suggestion would be something like this.

“Part of rebuilding our marriage is our being completely honest with each other. So I need to be honest with you right now.  As much as I want to save our marriage, I’m very concerned that you will continue to see her. I know that you don’t intend to, but for my own benefit, can we discuss some safeguards that might make this easier for me?  As we make progress, I hope that I won’t need these reassurances forever.  But for now, will you show me your commitment to our marriage by agreeing to some things that will make things easier for me?”

Be prepared to negotiate and to talk again if your needs or feelings change.  The whole idea is that you are both open and up front about what you need to be comfortable and fully committed.  It’s better to speak up and request what you need than to not say a word and struggle with your doubts.

What If The Mistress Insists On Continuing To See Your Husband Or She Won’t Take No For An Answer?: Occasionally, I hear from wives who trust their husband and know that the husband has made it very clear to the other woman that it’s over.  However, sometimes, the mistress just doesn’t want to accept this.  She is the one who reaches out to the husband or who tries to continue to have contact with him.  In this case, while it’s not fair to blame the husband, you can’t let the behavior continue either.

Your husband may need to reassert that the relationship is over and then cut off all contact.  If necessary, he may need to change his phone number, email, or other accounts.  Sometimes, he may even need to take legal action.   The chances of saving your marriage when your husband continues to see or even has to deal with the other woman are less than if you both were confident that she was out of your lives.

Focusing On Your Own Marriage Is Actually The Best Way To Keep Him From Continuing To See The Mistress: I very much understand your fears right now.  This was one of the biggest fears that I had in my own recovery after my husband’s cheating.   But I can tell you from experience that sometimes when you continue to dwell on and worry about the other woman, you give you more power and you weaken your own marriage and chances for recovery.

I know it’s difficult to put your fears aside, but honestly, making your own marriage as strong as it can possibly be and placing your focus on your husband and your marriage is one of the best ways to make sure that you no longer have to worry about the other woman.  Because when you rebuild to the point where you know that your husband prefers you to anyone else, then she’s no longer a threat.

I know that worrying about this woman is no fun.  But don’t place all of your focus on her so that she continues to damage your marriage.  Sometimes, if you return your focus to you and your husband, you get her out of your life that much faster. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, after some struggles, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is in tact. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. If it helps, you can read more of that personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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It’s almost universal that, at least for a while, the faithful spouse is going to be very paranoid about her spouse cheating again.  He can do or say all of the right things.  His behavior can be above reproach.  The couple might even be in intensive counseling.  But still, the worry is there.  Going through this type of betrayal is so painful that it’s natural to want to avoid going through it again.  So you’re sort of always watching and waiting – afraid that as soon as you let your guard down, you are going to catch him cheating again.  After all, if he did it once, what is to stop him from doing it again?  This worry manifests itself in a number of different ways.  Sometimes we experience it as suspicion or anxiety or even anger. Unfortunately, try as you might, it can be hard to control it.  The feeling can just come over you. It invades your dreams so that there is really no escape from it.  I get some questions about dreams sometimes.  Some wives think that their dreams are a sign that their husband is cheating again.  They think that the dreams are their subconscious minds’ way of alerting them to what they already know.

Someone might ask, “do cheating dreams mean anything when your husband has already cheated? We are in counseling and there are times when I really do believe that he wants to make it work. There also aren’t any blatant behaviors that make me suspicious.  It’s just a general feeling of unease that I have all of the time.  Lately, I’ve been having this reoccurring dream that my husband is cheating with an old neighbor of ours.  The irony of this is that my husband really disliked this woman and she and her husband have moved to another state.  So it would be difficult for him to be carrying on with her when they live sixteen hours away.  So I know that this sounds crazy, but the dreams seem so real.  My husband gets angry when I tell him about the dreams and says that the scenario is a ridiculous one.  In my head, I know that, but there’s something nagging at my heart.  Do our dreams give us hints about what is really going on?”

I’m sure that you’ve attempted to research this and have found that cheating dreams are among the most common dreams that people report – even among people in faithful relationships.  I had these dreams.  There were times when I was sure that my spouse was cheating again.  It has been a long time since the affair and he has been faithful the whole time afterward and now.  He wasn’t cheating again, but you could not have convinced me of that at the time.  My therapist said that the dreams were likely a manifestation of the worry I was experiencing.  I would go to bed feeling anxious and worried and of course my dreams would reflect that.  Interestingly, months after we reconciled and began to hit our stride again, the dreams stopped.  I used to convince myself that they were prophetic, meaning that I was glimpsing into the future.  However, in my case, they never came true in real life – not even close.

I wish I didn’t have to admit this, but a lot of times, the dreams made me accuse my husband of wrong doing or lash out at him about the pain that the dreams had caused me.  This wasn’t really fair because neither of us could control my dreams.  I finally decided that I would use the dreams in order to ask myself if there was anything SPECIFIC that was bugging me that I hadn’t explored.  Was there a clue I was ignoring? Or was I just being paranoid?  I gave myself permission to dig down clues if there actually were any, but I agreed to try to let things go if there weren’t.  In the end, I was truly just being paranoid.  But I can’t be too hard on myself about this.  It’s natural to be paranoid after you’ve been burned so badly. This is simply a manifestation of your fears and all human beings face fears about the people that they love.  As an aside, after my child had a medical issue, I used to have dreams about the condition coming back.  I used to wake up worried that my child was surely going to relapse.  Then that made me wonder if this was my subconscious telling me about symptoms I was missing.

Again, it was the fear talking.  And I came up with the same conclusion – that I would watch my child for symptoms and keep up with medical appointments.  But beyond that, what more could I do?  So far, my child has continued to be healthy and the dreams were not prophetic in this case, either.  They were simply manifesting my fears at bed time.

I think that the best that you can do right now is to ask yourself if there is anything that you are missing where your husband is concerned.  If the answer is no and you know that you’re likely being paranoid, try to let it go.  You can’t control what you dream, but you can control how you react to it for the rest of the day.  As you shrug it off and continue to heal, the dreams should fade – as they did with me.  Eventually I told myself that if there was something I should address, I would.  Otherwise, I would just know that the dreams were reflections of my fears – and nothing more.

Thankfully, I no longer have the affair dreams.  Lately, I dream about my grandmother, who is going through a pretty bad illness. But as far as my marriage goes, that continues to be good and I’m glad that I never acted on those paranoid dreams.  If it helps, you can read more about how we recovered from the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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by: katie lersch: I often hear from people who are trying to determine how badly the odds are stacked against them and their marriage after their spouse has had an affair.   And, this is a concern that both husbands and wives share.  Anyone can be on the wrong end of their spouse’s affair and yet be still trying to save their marriage in the aftermath of it.  And many want to know just what they are up against and if they are fighting a losing battle.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “I really do want to stay married even though I just recently found out about my husband’s affair.  But every day, I feel anger and rage that feels so foreign to me.  Every day, the awkwardness and the coldness in our marriage becomes more and more evident.  I have friends who are still married five years after the husband’s infidelity and they seem reasonably content.  But I wonder if they beat the odds because this affair has brought up so many resentments and doubts in me.  I don’t know if I will be able to overcome these things.  What’s the percentage of couples who stay married after one of them cheats and has an affair?  And how can I make sure that I beat the odds?”  I’ll address these things in the following article.

The Percentage Of  Couples Remaining Married After An Affair Might Be Higher Than You Think: The woman in the above scenario confessed that she assumed that the majority of couples who face infidelity end up divorced. Statistics show that this just isn’t the case.  Although the numbers vary, most studies and surveys indicate that the percentage of people who stay married after an affair is around 75 – 80 percent (with around 20 – 25 percent of couples eventually divorcing because they just couldn’t over come the affair.) I suspect that there are many factors that go into which couples make it and which don’t such as the length of the affair, the determination and commitment of the people involved, and the tools or help that the married couple had access to.

Although you might find these numbers surprising or even encouraging, I would argue that these statistics don’t tell you everything.  There are many reasons that people stay together after an affair.  Sometimes, it is because they still love and are committed to their spouse. But, other times, it’s out a sense of obligation, due to finances, or because the marriage has just become a comfortable habit that feels familiar.  Honestly, I think there’s another question here that is equally important – which leads me to my next point.

A More Important Statistic Might Be How Many People Remain Married After An Affair And Are Truly Happy.  How Many Are Able To Restore The Happiness And Fulfillment In Their Marriage?: The wife in this scenario was most concerned about remaining married.  But frankly, this is only half the battle.  We all know couples who stuck it out after an affair but who were never truly happy again because they just weren’t able to recover.  Many of us know the couple who insist on staying together but who also remain miserable and bitter.  To me, staying married but remaining unhappy isn’t really a victory at all.  It’s my opinion that it only makes sense to fight for your marriage after an affair if you can ensure that they same marriage is rebuilt so that it’s a marriage that’s actually worth fighting for.

I know for certain this is possible because of my own experience.  But many people worry more about staying married at all costs while not worrying nearly as much if they are staying in and rebuilding a happy marriage.  I think that many people do not realize just how bad things can be when you are stuck in a marriage where it’s clear that neither spouse is particularly happy to be there.  I have a friend who will openly admit that her marriage is this way and the tension and negative feelings between she and her husband are extremely obvious and uncomfortable to anyone who spends time with them.   It’s as if she can’t stop punishing him and he seems to feels so guilty that he thinks that this is his lot in life.  Neither of them seem to believe that things could ever possibly be better.  And neither of them are willing to be the one to initiate or ask for a change.  So it’s quite possible that they will continue to go through life married but unhappy.

Ensuring That You Rebuild A Marriage That Is Worth Staying In After The Affair: So now that we’ve established that it’s not all that rare to stay married, let’s talk about how to make sure you’re not staying in an unhappy marriage.  Many people assume that staying means that you’re accepting a damaged marriage that is destined to just limp along.  But it truly is possible to rebuild a different and sometimes stronger and better marriage.  Yes, this requires you to do some in depth work on both yourself and your marriage.  But what you put into it will often be worth it in the long run. It’s better than remaining unhappy.   Your spouse’s affair should not be something that you have to deal with for the rest of your married life.  You can work through it.

Staying married after an affair should be something that you want to do not because you feel obligated or stuck but because of your love for your spouse and the fact that you are able to return your marriage to something that is a source and happiness and fulfillment for both of you. If you’re having trouble rebuilding after the affair, I highly recommend the free “Break Free From the Affair” ecourse on the side of this blog.  I know that trying to stay married after an affair can very challenging and painful, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from wives who truly want to know what their husband legitimately feels during his affair.  Often, they can’t help but notice that he’s acting downright silly with a definite spring in his step.  He’s suddenly humming a little tune while getting ready for work and he’s suddenly nicer to the kids.  This can make some wives wonder if the affair is truly making him happy.

I heard from a wife who said: “do men find truly happiness with their affair?  I assumed that once I found out about my husband’s affair, he would break it off.  He says he just can’t do that because the other woman makes him blissfully happy.  And even though it hurts me so badly to admit this, my husband does indeed seem much happier.  He’s never been a particularly chipper person but lately he is absolutely giddy.  It’s pretty disgusting to watch.  And it’s so upsetting to me because I realize that if she makes him this happy, then our marriage doesn’t really stand a chance.  Not only that, but if I love this man, how can I deny him his happiness? Should I stop step aside and allow him to be happy?  Or is his happiness all a temporary thing?”

This is difficult for me to answer for sure, even though I have a definite opinion on this.  Only the husband knew how he really felt and only time would tell if his so called happiness was going to last.  However, I hear from a lot of folks in this situation and some of them follow up later.  It’s my opinion that although many husbands think that they have never been happier when they are having an affair, this “happiness” often stems from the buzz that comes hand in hand with participating in something that is perceived as exciting and new.   Think about this.  How happy was he when the two of you first got together?  Every shiny and new relationship brings a sense of excitement and new found happiness.   Does it last?  Sometimes it does when it is healthy.  But I would argue that a relationship based on deception, lies, and the sizzle that only comes through doing something wrong is not destined to last, much less to provide lasting happiness.

Admittedly, this is my opinion.  And part of it stems from my experience from being cheated on.  However, I often hear from cheating husbands on my blog and many of them express regret and downright misery because of the affair, although often these emotions come once the affair is over.   Many men feel naive, stupid, taken advantage of, and incredibly remorseful after the affair is over.  These feelings typically do not contribute to their long term happiness.  In fact, many are quite miserable once the reality of the situation hits home.   And if you were to ask them if they were happy at that time, they might find the situation laughable even when not six months before they thought they had found the elixir of life when they were carrying on with another woman and experiencing the highs of an affair.

This isn’t true of all men, of course.  But I hear many comments like: “if I would have known how badly this was all going to end, I never would have started with the other woman.  All this has caused is misery and pain.  I’ve ruined my marriage and broken my wife’s heart all because of my selfishness.”   This realization takes a lot longer than many wives would like, but it can happen eventually.

True happiness doesn’t come from someone else or from a deceptive relationship.  Another person can’t and doesn’t provide lasting happiness.   True happiness comes within.  To say that the other woman or the affair makes a husband happy is extremely short sighted.  No relationship remains the same forever.  This is especially true of affairs.  Eventually, that newness wears off and both people must face the reality of the deceptive relationship.  This is true even when they feel justified for their actions and even when they felt their marriage was a bad or non fulfilling one.  Because despite any justifications for their actions, there is always another choice instead of cheating.  This sort of knowledge in one’s heart does not contribute to long term or true happiness. In fact, much of the time, guilt and resentment becomes a serious factor between the husband and the other woman.  And these sort of negative feelings begin to chip away at whatever happiness they thought they might have had.

So to answer the question posed, although many husbands firmly believe that the affair has made them happy, this belief is often fairly short lived.  True happiness from within can’t come from a deceptive relationship or the person with whom you are sharing that relationship.  And this generally will come to light over time.

I know that you are likely wondering endlessly how your husband really feels.  But, my suggestion would be to focus on your own feelings because you have some control over those.  You can not control his thoughts or feelings, but you can set up the situation to be more favorable to you.  Sometimes, it’s in your best interest to control what you can and allow the rest to work itself out with time.  Feelings can change dramatically in the days and weeks to come, especially as the newness wears off.  I know that this is a difficult time, but things will often improve as time passes and the truth is revealed.  If it helps, you can read about how I began to heal in the same situation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who indicate that their husband is having a lot of trouble facing them after he has been caught cheating or having an affair. Often, he’s either ashamed, embarrassed, nervous, awkward, humiliated or a combination of all of these things. So, it can be quite difficult to deal with him in the aftermath of the affair, much less to improve your issues or to save your marriage.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband did not admit his affair to me. I actually told him of my suspicions very frankly and he denied them with everything he had. In fact, he acted injured, as if he were appalled that I would suspect or accuse him of such a thing. Still, something was telling me that things weren’t right. I still suspected that he was cheated on me. So I hired a private investigator to follow him. And sure enough, the investigator quickly caught him cheating. Once I was told where he was, I waited for him and confronted him as soon as he emerged with the other woman. Needless to say, I made quite a scene. I know that my husband was very embarrassed but he completely deserved it. Since that time, I have told him what a liar I think he is. Still, there’s a small part of me deep down inside that doesn’t want to let go of my marriage. I expected my husband to immediately apologize and beg for my forgiveness but he has not done that. Instead, he can’t even look at me in the eyes now. He avoids me. He cuts me off when I try to talk. He basically makes it clear he’s not going to talk about the affair. How can we even begin to heal when he acts like this? And why is he acting this way in the first place?” I will try to answer these questions in the following article.

Sometimes, Your Husband Can’t Look At You After The Affair Because He Is Embarrassed, Ashamed, Or Is Unsure Of What To Do Or Say: I didn’t have the opportunity to talk to the husband in this scenario. But I’ve corresponded with many men in this situation on my blog. Many will tell you that they are embarrassed and ashamed. They will also tell you that they do not know what is the right thing to do or say and they are scared of their wife’s reaction. In this particular scenario, the husband was probably even more humiliated by his own behavior because he so adamantly denied the affair in the first place.

This alone can make it quite difficult to look someone in the eye. It’s important for the wives in this situation to remember that they have not done anything wrong. He is the one who is wrong and frankly, his reluctance to face you and make full eye contact is a good indication that he is fully aware of this.

His Inability To Look You In The Eye Can Be An Indication Of Guilt Or Remorse, Which Can Be A Positive Sign: Frankly, the fact that your husband can’t look at your face or make full eye contact can sometimes be a good sign. Men who are indignant and deny any wrong doing or who blame their wives for their actions are more likely to repeat those actions because they almost feel justified in their cheating.

Conversely, a man who is so ashamed or uncomfortable that he can’t look you in the eye may well be having the difficulties that he is because he knows how gravely he has messed things up. He is having the strong reaction that he is because he is very well aware of how huge of a mistake he has made. And, this makes him more likely to not want to repeat the same actions because he does not want to feel this way ever again.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Won’t Look You In The Eye After His Affair: Although there can be valid reasons why your husband is having a hard time facing you, it can be very frustrating and it can delay your healing if in fact you have some interest in saving your marriage. So you might want to address this the next time that it happens. A suggested script might be something like “could you please look at me when we’re talking? We’re not going to make any progress if you won’t even meet my gaze. I know that is uncomfortable for both of us, but in order for us to move forward we are going to need to be able to communicate and this includes making eye contact with each other. I know this is awkward, but if you care about me and our marriage, I need for you to do better. And you can start by looking at me when I am talking to you.”

Hopefully, as be begins to see that making eye contact can actually be the start to improving things and that he needs to take responsibility for what he had done and be man enough to handle the fall out of his own actions, you will see some improvements. And some eye contact.

My own husband had difficulty with eye contact after the affair, but once I made it clear that it was absolutely necessary to me, he came around and things began to improve. We actually did save our marriage and it is very strong today. If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I survived the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s natural to eventually have not too much to say to your cheating spouse.  Well, let me clarify that.  Many of us have PLENTY to say when we find out about the cheating.  And most of us say plenty (or scream plenty) as soon as the cat is out of the bag.  And we keep saying it.  And then say it some more.  But after a while, we get sort of all talked out.   And once we have our say, our spouse might try to defend himself or to justify his cheating, which most of us definitely do not want to hear.  And so we will want all of the talking to just stop, especially when we don’t have much to say to him anyway – at least at the time.

So it’s natural to resort to the silent treatment.  Not all husbands take kindly to this, though, or just accept it.  Many will tell you that all your refusal to have a conversation is doing is making things worse.  They might try to anger or attempt to goad you into talking to them.  And this can make some wives question their strategy.  Someone might explain: “I would not say that my husband and I had many deep conversations after I found out that he has been cheating on me. Mostly, I yelled and he tried to duck from all of the insults that I was hurling at him.  I think he kept waiting until I calmed down to talk, but it took me a long time.  And he keeps trying to talk, but I shut him down.  I have no interest in what he has to say. There is no excuse that will ever allow this to make sense. There is nothing that he could say to me to soften the blow. So lately, when he tries to talk, I simply leave the room.  And he will try to get me to talk to him, but I will remain silent and just kind of look at him with anger in my eyes.  He tells me that we have to talk eventually and that I can’t give him the silent treatment forever.  I know that I can’t carry on this way forever.  But right now, it is working for me.  If our kids are around, I will make polite requests of him for their benefit, but I don’t talk to him about anything of substance and I do not want to change this any time soon. Do I have to stop giving him the silent treatment?”

I don’t think that you HAVE to do anything.  You have every right to decide what is and is not working for you right now.  After all, if your husband had never cheated, then none of this would be necessary.  He made that decision.  You did not.  And now, you are just dealing with this mess (that you did not create) in the best way that you can.

With this said, I doubt that it can (or should) go on this way forever.  Since you have children, it is vital that you are able to talk openly and honestly with their father – even if you are only talking about them.  I’m sure that you know that one day, the two of you will need to stop the silent treatment – at least as far as the kids are concerned. This is necessary for their well being and in order to be effective parents.  We so often hope that if we just fake things for the kids, then they won’t know that anything is wrong.  But, they do pick up on more than we give them credit for.  So no matter what happens with the marriage, keep an open mind when it comes to co-parenting.  Because presenting a united front as parents is one of the best gifts that you can give your child.

But as far as talking about your marriage, there is no time table for this.  Sometimes, it takes a while before you feel that you are ready to have any meaningful conversations.  Eventually though, you will want to.  Because even if you don’t want to save your marriage and you want to eventually divorce, you want to resolve this relationship in a healthy way so that the pain does not linger on, or even worse, follows you to your next relationship.  You deserve to be happy.  But it is hard to do that when you’re carrying the baggage of this pain around forever.

And the silent treatment is probably not the most effective strategy to rid yourself of the pain.  Most of us want our husbands to feel sorry and remorseful – even if we aren’t sure about our marriages anymore. The silent treatment usually makes him feel less sorry, not more.   And he can only guess at your point of view or at your feelings.  But all of these things can be saved for later, if necessary.

And you may just naturally get to the point where you get tired of giving the silent treatment and not having the conversation that you probably need to have in order to move forward.  But I certainly don’t think that you have to force yourself to talk if you are not ready.  I don’t think that you have to rush it. To keep your husband from pushing you, I’d suggest something like: “I realize that we will eventually need to talk, but I’m just not ready for that yet.  And I am asking you to respect that.  I’m more than willing to discuss things that need to be talked about regarding the kids.  But I am not ready to talk about the affair or our marriage yet.  I know that in time we will need to have those conversations.  But now is not that time, at least for me.  I will let you know when I am ready.  But right now, I’m just asking you to respect my wishes.”

You will likely know when the time is right.  One of the first things that you learn during this process is that no one else can – or should – make these decisions for you.  Others’ judgements really should not matter. This is your life. And your pace.  So you get to decide when you are ready to move on to the next step.

I remember that there were some days right after my husband’s affair that very little communication happened between us.  He even stayed away for a while because I was so very angry.  This silence and anger could not sustain itself forever.  And eventually, we started communicating – although it was strained and difficult.   But we got better at it in time.  And we also eventually reconciled.  That was the right choice for me, but it took a long time to get there and it is not for everyone.  You can read more about this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I sometimes hear from people who are extremely frustrated.  Not only are they dealing with their spouse or significant other cheating on them. But they are also dealing with the cheating person acting as if their behavior is no big deal.  The cheater may be trying to downplay the behavior and will sometimes even act as though the faithful person is overreacting. They might explain, “I caught my husband cheating on me.  We have been married for five years.  I thought that we had a good marriage. I thought that, although we certainly aren’t the perfect couple, we are a good match who had a decent future ahead of us.  Apparently I was wrong, when but when I explain this to my husband, his response is to say things like, ‘well no one died.  Yes, I made a mistake and I’m going to fix it.  But nothing has been done that can’t be done undone. You act as if one of us has a terminal illness or something.’  His cavalier attitude about this infuriates me.  I had a college boyfriend who cheated on me and he acted the same way.  It’s almost as if our society suddenly condones cheating and everyone accepts it.  But I don’t.  I believe that if you make a vow to someone, you are expected to carry that out.  I believe that when you betray the one who you made the vows to, there should be a price to pay.  Am I missing something?  Why do cheaters act like it’s no big deal?”

Believe me, I wish I knew that answer also.  But I do have some theories on this.  I do have to admit that my own husband only tried to downplay his cheating initially.  Once he figured out that this just was not going to fly, he began to take it seriously.  That’s why I believe that many cheaters will at first try to downplay the cheating.  They figure why not give it a try?  If they can get you to accept less or to not get as upset, then that is going to make their life a lot easier.  It is just natural to want to minimize the fall out of your mistakes.  No one wants to willingly feel shame, pain, or guilt.  So of course you’re going to attempt to minimize all of that.

Another reason that cheaters will downplay the cheating to their loved ones is that this is just an extension of all of the justifying that they’ve been doing in their own minds.  So their new thought process has sort of become a habit.  They’ve often become experts at telling themselves that what they’re doing isn’t that big of a deal.  If they actually sat down and deeply thought about what they were doing and who they might hurt, then they might think twice about carrying out the cheating.  So the downplaying or minimizing it is a coping mechanism.  They try it in the hopes that it will turn down the guilt.

One final issue is that some people do grow up in or live (or work) in a culture where cheating ISN’T seen as a big deal.  Some people literally grew up seeing their parents, uncles, and siblings cheat.  Others work in an office where infidelity is extremely common. This doesn’t by any means make it right, but this can be a contributing factor.

So how can you address it? You can let him know that although he may claim that it’s not a big deal to him, that it is in fact a very big deal to you.  The most important thing here is to let him know that he can choose to see it as not a big deal, but that is not going to make a bit of difference where you are concerned.  If he wants you and the marriage, he’s going to need to TREAT IT like a very big deal, since it is to you.

You might try something like this, “you may say that no one died and that is true, but I feel like my perception of our marriage and the respect and trust that we shared has died.  The marriage I thought that we had is not reality.  You betrayed me in the worst way possible.  That is a very big deal to me. I am unsure if I can trust you.  I am unsure as to whether our marriage will or should survive.  So yes, no one died, but the life I thought we had is now in question and that certainly feels like a big loss to me.  You say that nothing that has been done can’t be undone.  But I’m not so sure about that. In order for me to trust again, I need to know that you understand the seriousness of what has happened here.  When you downplay the cheating, it seems that you aren’t taking it seriously at all.  If you’re only posturing and hoping that I will accept your assessment that this isn’t a huge blow, that isn’t going to happen.  No matter how you spin it, you betrayed me and put our marriage at risk.  That is a big deal to me because I took our vows and our marriage seriously.”

Once you’ve said this, he may realize that his posturing won’t work.  You may sometimes need to repeat yourself because when he gets a taste of rehabilitation, he probably won’t like it and he will protest by downplaying the affair again, but it’s very important that you stand your ground.  Another thing to try is to get a good counselor or self help who can drive home what a big deal this can be to a marriage.  That way, the concern is not just coming from you, it’s also coming from third party experts who have no dog whatsoever in this fight.  That keeps you from seeming like the bad guy who is always overreacting.

It helps to know that you are not in the wrong here.  Cheating IS a big deal.  It is a big blow to your marriage.  It is important that your spouse understands this.  You can read more about how I made my own spouse understand it on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Wives who have recently caught their husband cheating are confused on many levels.  But one of the most perplexing things that they face is a husband who insists that he still loves them just the same.  This seems to be a huge contradiction.   Here is a man who cheated on and betrayed you.  If he loved you as much as he is claiming, then why would he cheat?”

A wife might say, “my husband literally burst into tears when I caught him cheating on me.  Frankly I have never seen him so upset.  He kept saying ‘please don’t leave me.  I love you so much.  I can’t lose you.’  It was a little pathetic, actually.  If he’s told me that he loves me once, he has told me one hundred times.  I’ve questioned him about this.  I’ve asked ask him how, if he truly loved me, he could cheat on me.  His response was that this had nothing to do with love and that if he loved the other woman, he could be with her if that’s what he wanted.  But he insists that he doesn’t want that, since he wants to be with me.  This doesn’t make sense.  And yet, each and every day, he’s so desperate for me not to leave him.  If he doesn’t actually love me, he’s working quite hard.  Why would you cheat on someone you supposedly love?  And is love enough at this point?”

Only you can decide what is enough.  I am by no means a therapist, but I have been through this myself.  Because of my articles and the research that I do for them, I do believe that the majority of people who cheat believe that they are being truthful when they claim that they still love their spouse.  They all say the same thing over and over again – that they had absolutely no intention of leaving their spouse, their marriage, or their family.  They will insist that they never stopped loving their spouse.  The rationalize that if they didn’t love their spouse, they could have simply walked out of the marriage, had the affair in the open, or took up with a new partner relatively guilt-free, since they would have been very honest with everyone involved.

I am not saying that I buy these claims.  Nor am I defending them.  I’m just telling you that I do believe that the people who make these claims sometimes actually believe this in their own heads and hearts.  And I can also say that many will follow up their declaration of love with action that seems to show that their claims are true.  You will often see a cheating spouse stay put even when the faithful spouse does everything in their power to push them away.  The faithful spouse can kick them out of the house, tell them that their is no hope for the marriage, and basically completely shut them out.  And yet, the cheating spouse will still cling on for dear life because they just don’t want to let their marriage go.  You would not imagine that someone would do this if they did not love their spouse.

Many cheating spouses go through weeks or months of very emotionally difficult counseling where their behavior and mental health is placed on display for all to see.  This is often quite humiliating and humbling.  Still, they do it for a chance at their marriage again.  I am by no means saying that they don’t deserve what they are experiencing, but I’m suggesting that many are still extremely invested in their spouse and in their marriage or they would not be willing to jump through all of the hoops.

I am well aware that the faithful spouse has to go through hell also.  I was the faithful spouse.  My path was no bed of roses, either.  But my husband had a very long path of going through counseling, rehabilitating his behavior and habits, and proving to me that he could be trusted. I did not make any of that easy on him.  If he did not love me, he likely would have told me to jump in a lake because none of what I required was worth it.

Of course, no one would have to jump through these hoops if your spouse had not cheated in the first place.  But most unfaithful people will tell you that the cheating is their biggest life regret.  They would give anything to take it back.  But all they can really do is to do whatever they can to gain another chance.

I do not know if any of this makes you feel better or not.  But I am confident that my husband loves me.  I am also confident that he never stopped.  I wish he had not make the mistake that he made.  But if he did not love me and our kids, he would never had withstood what he went through with my wrath after the affair.  His life might have been easier at that time to walk away.  He did not.  He just took what I threw at him with patience.

I have no way of knowing what your husband feels.  But I know that you can often watch his behavior to tell you what you need to know.  If he’s doing what you asked and is present, patient, and willing to walk through healing with you, then it’s probably a safe bet to think that he wouldn’t go through all of this if he wasn’t very deeply invested and still in love with you.  But it is ultimately your decision as to whether this love is going to be enough.

Believe me, I know that it’s hard to be buy his claims of love at first.  I didn’t believe my husband in the beginning either.  But I believe him now because he has proved it to me over and over again. There’s more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Many husbands who are caught cheating become flustered and they will agree to every condition that you require.  Yes, they promise, they will go to counseling.  Yes, they insist, they will break off the affair and cut off the other woman.  Yes, they will come right home and be accountable with their time.  And yet, as the days and weeks pass, it may begin to become obvious that they are not keeping these promises.  One of the most common of the broken promises is the “cutting off of all contact.”  The husband isn’t always the one who initiates the contact but, however it happens, it can feel like a second betrayal and a slap in the face when you catch him once again.  The husband will often have excuses or explanations for it, but the wife often can’t understand how he can possibly think that she will buy this.

She might say, “after I caught my husband cheating, I demanded that he have absolutely nothing to do with the other woman.  He agreed to this.  He told me that he would break it off in person and then would cut off contact.  Well, I admit that I didn’t trust him so I have been having a friend of mine follow him.  My husband doesn’t know my friend.  He did break it off.  I know this because my friend saw it.  But, he has met with her twice since then.  Each time, they haven’t hugged or kissed and the meetings have been short.  Still, he has met with her and he did not tell me about it either time. When I confronted him, he said that she initiated the meetings because she is having a hard time letting go and she has questions.  He insist that (as I already know,) nothing inappropriate has happened.  He’s being all indignant and defensive.  But I still do not understand why they would need to meet.  If she has questions, pick up the phone.  Or heck just accept that not every question has an answer.  I am very angry and hurt about this and it makes me question if my husband can be trusted.  Am I out of line here?”

I don’t think that you are out of line.  After my husband had an affair, I could not have tolerated the thought that he was still in contact.  Luckily, the affair happened when he was working in another city.  She lives quite far away, so my worry was not as great as it might have been had she lived in the same town.  Still, I made it very clear that he was not to have any contact whatsoever.  If he had, that would have been a major problem.  One big hurdle that you have to overcome during recovery is restoring the trust.  When he is telling you one thing and doing another – especially as it relates to the other woman – then he can’t act confused when you are reluctant to trust his sincerity or good faith. No contact means exactly that.  She may well have questions, but the affair is OVER.  He has no obligation to answer those questions.  It is time to move on.  Not everyone gets the perfect closure when a relationship ends. Why must she expect to be an exception?

My therapist once told me that it is human nature for people to want to have their cake and eat it too when they have the opportunity to do so.  That’s why he needs to understand that he doesn’t have that opportunity.  His slipping up here doesn’t necessarily mean that he will cheat again.  You’ve seen that he isn’t in physical contact, but why take that chance?  And why put him in a position where he is tempted?  That’s why my therapist recommend that all consequences are understood and defined.

So, considering this, you might try something like, “I know that you say that your meetings are innocent.  But I specifically asked you to have no contact at all and you agreed to this.  No contact should be self explanatory.  This means no meetings.  No phone calls. No texts.  Nothing.  If she is attempting to communicate, it is easy enough to block her.  When you continue to see her, you send mixed signals to everyone.  You are either fully committed to our marriage or you are not.  If you go and see her behind my back again, then we are going to have to pursue other avenues because it is not fair to ask me to try to save our marriage when your actions are making this less likely.  Do you have any questions about this?  Is it very clear?  Because it can not continue to happen. It is disrespectful and counter to what we are trying to do. It is not in alignment with your claims that you want to save our marriage.”

He may try to defend himself, but once he calms down and really thinks about it, he has to admit that you are right.  If the roles were reversed, he would not want for you to continue to see an affair partner when you have promised not to.  That runs counter to saving your marriage.  If you are in counseling, I would have your counselor speak with him about this. It’s vital that he understands that this can not continue to happen.  No good comes out of them continuing to communicate.  There is no upside – only a downside.  Now that you’ve made it clear that there will a consequence the next time and he knows that he can not get away with it, he will hopefully stop.  But you are not out of line.  Restoring the trust and saving the marriage is almost impossible when the husband won’t completely give up the affair and cut off all contact.

I had many conditions that had to be met after my husband’s affair.  These things weren’t negotiable, but I tried to make them reasonable.  This doesn’t mean that my husband liked them, but he complied because he was the one who cheated.  That is just the way that it needed to be.  I did work on myself and I did make some changes to improve our marriage.  But much of the restrictions and requirements were for him.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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by: katie lersch: The decisions that you have to make after your husband cheats or has an affair are often grueling. And perhaps none is as quite as difficult as deciding if you’re going to stay or go.  Taking inventory of how you really feel and what you really want often is not quite as easy or as obvious as some might think.  And unfortunately, many of us not only worry about our own thoughts and feelings, we’re also worried about what other people think of us and our decision.

I recently heard from a wife who was leaning toward staying with her husband after he cheated and had an affair.   This decision did not come easily and she did not take it lightly.  But, the deciding factor for her was her desire to not just walk away from her marriage without first trying everything in her power to save it.  Of course, every one had their own opinion on her decision.  Some of her friends and family were very vocal and open with their disapproval.  The wife said, in part:  “my mother says that my husband is not going to have any respect for me and is going to think I’m stupid for staying with him after he cheated or had an affair.  She says that he’s going to think I’m a door mat so that he can continue on with his bad behavior and I’ll stay no matter what.  I certainly don’t want this.  Do men think their wives are stupid when they stay after infidelity?”

I suppose the answer to this question probably depends upon the husband, the marital history, and the circumstances surrounding the affair.  So, while I don’t know those factors and can’t form a definitive opinion, I can tell you what many husbands tell me regarding this issue.

In My Experience, Most Men Are So Relieved Their Wives Are Staying And Standing By Them After An Affair That They Don’t Make Moral Judgments: Of course, you can’t say that every man is going to react in the same way or have the same feelings.  But men who comment or contact me on my blog seem to be overwhelmingly relieved when their wife decides to stay with them. To be fair, the blog’s topic is saving marriages after an affair so it’s probably not going to attract the men who aren’t interested or invested in their marriages.

But, I can’t remember any husband indicating that his wife was stupid or lacking in self esteem for staying with him.  In fact, many don’t really question or delve too deeply into your reasons for staying.  They’re simply grateful that you made the decision that you did and many are looking for ways to make sure the marriage survives and that they don’t cheat again.

And frankly, many men know that it is not in their best interest to be too judgmental or critical of you and your decisions when it’s their decisions that got you here in the first place.  A man who wants to save his marriage and make things up to his wife is hopefully not going to be dumb enough to think (or tell) that same wife that she’s stupid for standing by him. Instead, he’s just going to be grateful that she is and he’s going to do everything in his power to make sure that this is a decision that she doesn’t regret.

I occasionally have men who marvel at their wife’s ability to be so forgiving.  I’ve had some tell me that they themselves might not have reacted in the same way if the roles were reversed.  But they will often tell you that this is because they are not as forgiving or as emotionally strong.  They often don’t see this decision as one born out of stupidity but rather one born out of emotional maturity and a forgiving nature.  As a result, they often want to rise to the occasion so that you don’t regret this.

The Decision Of Whether To Stay Or Go After Infidelity Is Yours Alone.  Try Not To Worry About Anyone’s Opinion But Your Own: I know that this is easier said than done, but honestly, there are only two people involved here and only two people who should matter – you and your husband.  Anyone else’s opinion really should be irrelevant and a non factor.  Only the two of you have all of the information and have to ultimately live with any decisions that you will make.

And although your husband is intimately involved in this situation, the decisions that affect your own life and well being are ultimately yours alone.  If you are worried about what your husband might think of you if you decide to stay with him despite the cheating or the affair, then there’s nothing wrong with sitting him down and making very clear that although you are making the decision to stay, this doesn’t mean that you are stupid, lacking in self confidence, or giving him a free pass.  It means that you want to stay provided that he can prove to you that staying is in your best interest because he intends to rehabilitate the marriage and himself.

A decision to stay certainly doesn’t mean that the slate is going to be wiped clean or that things are just going to go back to normal.  No, at least in my opinion, the decision to stay is only the beginning.  It means that you’re giving your husband the chance to prove to you that the marriage can be salvaged and the trust can be restored.  However, the decision to stay can be changed or retracted at any time.  This is being cautiously optimistic about wanting to save your marriage.  It is not  being stupid.  You have to have the confidence that you are perfectly capable of making a sound and informed decision.  And should you receive information that indicates the decision was not the right call, then you will change it or make another one. And no one else’s opinion should factor into that equation but your own.

At the end of the day, I made the very measured and conscious decision to stay with my husband after an affair and I don’t think I was stupid to do so. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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