Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I recently heard from a wife who wasn’t sure what made her more mad at her husband – the fact that he’d had an affair or his attitude following the wife finding out about the same.  As she described it, her husband was acting defensive and cold and only apologized once initially.  Basically he was insinuating that the wife would either get over it or not, but he wasn’t going to lose sleep either way.

The wife said, in part: “when my best friend’s husband had an affair, he couldn’t apologize enough.  He went to counseling with her and did everything in his power to make it up to her.  Their marriage survived because of this.  But my husband is acting in the opposite way.  He said he was sorry, but told me he’d only say that once and said he had his reasons for cheating.  When I press him and tell him that I need to understand why he did this, he will make sarcastic comments but not answer the question I’ve asked.  It’s almost as if he feels justified for cheating on me and it’s almost like he’s mad that I found out and made him stop.  Frankly, he acts as if he doesn’t care if I forgive him or not.  Honestly, I thought we might have had a chance if he would have actually shown some remorse and a willingness to work with me.  But he’s made it clear that he’s not going to do either.  So where does that leave me?  How do I handle his awful attitude? Because I’m just about ready to walk away in disgust.”

This is a very common theme with the wives that I hear from.  Many were hoping for a completely different attitude from their husbands.  When they don’t see what they expected or hoped for, they have no idea how to respond.  Of course, they are understandably angry.  But when they express their anger, their husband withdraws even more and becomes even more cold and distant.

In the following article, I’ll explain why you might be seeing a negative attitude from your husband after his affair and offer some suggestions on how to deal with this.

Sometimes, A Husband’s Negative Attitude After His Affair Is A Combination Of Some Perceived Justification For His Actions, Posturing, And Embarrassment:  I’d like to make a suggestion to you which I hope will help you to understand this better.  Your husband has likely been thinking about his motivations for having an affair (and the moral implications of this) long before you caught him cheating.

In other words, before a man cheats, he has a decision to make.  He must decide if he’s going to listen to that voice in the back of his head telling him that cheating is wrong or if he’s going to ignore that voice either because he feels justified in cheating or because he feels that the pay off from it outweighs any doubts or moral issues that he might have, at least at the time he made the decision.  (That’s not to say that he won’t come to regret this decision later or look back and realize what a stupid decision it was.)

The point is, once he decides to cheat, he has likely already thought about the decision at least briefly.  But when you catch him and bring up all of those issues that he’s already thought about and put out of his mind, then suddenly he has to face those doubts and insecurities that he has already stuffed down.  That’s one reason that he might react with frustration and even anger.  He doesn’t necessarily want to look in the mirror and acknowledge his flawed thought process or put it on display for all to see.

Another reason that men will act defensive or combative after their affair is posturing.  They figure if they can make you understand that every time you try to make them feel guilty or ashamed (or want them to talk about their feelings or motivations,) they will respond negatively as the result, you just might make this topic off limits or bring it up less.

And, many men do feel justified in cheating (at least temporarily,) and they know that if they listen to reason, they are going to realize just how horrible their actions really were.  They usually just don’t want to face this and add one more issue to their struggles. So, they’re trying to make you reluctant to push them anymore than you already have.  Finally, many men are just embarrassed to be caught and exposed in this way and these frustrations come out and appear to be directed at you.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Has A Negative, Bad Or Nasty Attitude After His Affair:  Many women in this situation will think that they can handle this in one of two ways.  They can confront him and respond with their own anger.  Or, they can do exactly what their husband hoped for – which is to back off or give in.

I think that there’s a place in between both responses that might work better.  I think it’s important to let your husband know that his attitude is making things worse while at the same time refusing to engage in his negativity.

My suggestion would be that the next time you are on the receiving end of his negative attitude you might say something like:  “I’m really confused about why you’re acting angry at me or as if I did something wrong.  I know our marriage wasn’t perfect and I wasn’t the perfect spouse but no one is.  And that’s never justification for cheating.  Your attitude isn’t helping us at all.  I understand that you might be frustrated with this situation also, but I’m not going to allow for you to interact with me in the way that you have been.  In order to move on, I need to know that you are truly sorry and I need to understand why you cheated on me.  You may not be willing to provide this right now, but I will have to have these things eventually.  In the meantime, I hope you understand that the two of us being nasty to each other isn’t making this situation better.  I don’t expect for you to apologize endlessly or to say things that you don’t mean, but I do need for you to stop acting as if I’m to blame or that I’m the enemy.  Until you do, I’m afraid that things aren’t going to get any better for either of us.”

When said calmly, this lets him know that you aren’t going to play into his defensive attitude and you aren’t going to give up on needing to see some remorse or on gaining some understanding for his actions.  I find that many wives in this situation eventually give in and back off, which of course is exactly what he wants.  While backing off or giving in to his attitude may keep the peace, these wives never get the remorse or the explanation that they are after and their marriages sometimes continue to suffer as the result of the resentment and frustration that they continue to  feel.

I understand your frustation and confusion and I hope this helped.  I’ve been there as I’ve dealt with infidelity myself.  If it helps, you can read more about how I healed on my surviving the affair blog.  There are also some free resources (newsletters) on the side of this blog

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I sometimes hear from wives who have no idea how they will ever get their husband to forgive their affair. They are more sorry than they can ever express. And they would do anything to earn his forgiveness. But it seems that the affair has challenged his masculinity – and he finds that sin almost more unforgivable than the affair itself.

A wife might explain, “I could not be more remorseful about what I have done. When I was on a business trip, I had too much to drink and I slept with my boss. It was a big mistake and my boss had no business hitting on me. But at the same time, I made this mistake. I have to take responsibility. I didn’t say no and I allowed it to happen. Once I sobered up, I called my husband and I told him everything. I hoped that he would appreciate me being truthful. He didn’t. He told me to stay with my mother and would not allow me to return home. I accepted this at first, but that was three weeks ago. When I try to talk to him, he is still every bit as furious as he was on the night that this happened. He says that I humiliated him by sleeping with my boss. He says that he knows that my mother is going to tell people at our church and this challenges his masculinity. He says that he won’t be able to look people in the eye at church and he’s not sure if he can ever forgive me for that. The great irony of all of this is that my husband was unfaithful when we were first dating. Honestly, we had just met. And he’s never cheated during our marriage. But still, I forgave him. And now he’s telling me that he won’t be able to forgive me. I don’t want to let go of my marriage. I know that I made a horrible mistake, but I want for him to give me a chance to make it right. Is he just over exaggerating about this humiliation thing?”

It probably doesn’t feel like an exaggeration to him. If you research recovery from affairs, you will see that women will often struggle the most to overcome the idea that the husband was EMOTIONALLY connected to someone else. (Sure, she hates the idea of the sex. But it is more upsetting if she thinks that her husband emotionally loved someone else.) With a man or husband, it is actually the opposite. Even though a wife being “in love” with another man can cause serious damage to the marriage, it is usually the sex that bothers a husband the most. He is often concerned that you did things with the other man that you wouldn’t do with him (or didn’t enjoy) and he will worry that the other man performed better than him.

For a man, a lot of their self worth is tied up in their feelings of competence and power. If he feels that another man is higher up on this scale for you, it can be extremely damaging and hurtful. This is a pain that he will often want to escape – which is why he may be telling you that he can never forgive you. He may know that he is going to struggle to be okay or to come to terms with these feelings of inadequacy.

The good news is that what you feel immediately or even soon after discovering the affair isn’t always what you feel toward the end of the recovery process. I too thought that I could NEVER forgive my husband. And yet, here I am. I thought that I would never get over that type of betrayal, but I am still married. And I can identify with what your husband is saying: When your spouse cheats on you, it can cause you to doubt yourself in many ways. This process can FEEL very humiliating. And that is a pain that you don’t want to experience for the rest of your life.

But as you heal and begin to connect with your partner again, feelings of hope can eventually start to replace those negative feelings. This process takes time. I sometimes think that the only reason that I am still married is because my husband hung in there when I was trying to push him away. Why am I telling you this? Because if your marriage is still important to you, just hang in there at a safe distance. Your husband might not want to forgive you right now. That’s fair. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t still stay in touch and communicate while you are waiting for things to improve. Sometimes, you just have to be patient and let him know that you are there if he feels ready to talk. It may take a while before he feels ready. It did for me. The anger and the devastation can be all that you can concentrate on initially. And seeing your spouse can make it worse. So give it time. Keep repeating that you are sorry, that you take responsibility, and that you will be there when he is ready to ask questions. Right now, that is really all that you can do. When your husband does want to talk, be prepared to give him honest answers. And be prepared to do whatever is necessary to heal the marriage. It probably will not be easy. But sometimes, spouses who never thought that they could forgive (including myself) eventually do once they come to believe that their spouse is willing to wait.  There’s more about my progress of forgiveness on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes get correspondence asking me about the “no contact rule” after a spouse cheats or has an affair.  People want to know if, and how, it works.  It’s important to note that often, people are talking about two different things when they discuss no contact.

No Contact As It Relates To The Person Who Cheated: First, they could be talking about no contact as it relates to the other person in the affair.  So from a husband who cheated, you might hear: “my wife is saying that I must have absolutely no contact with the other woman.  But we have become legitimate friends.  It does not seem realistic to think that I’m expected to just act as if she never existed.  What if she calls me?  Am I supposed to just slam the door in her face.”

In this case, no contact means exactly what it says. And yes, you are expected to carry it out to the letter.  Think about it this way.  If it were your wife who had done the cheating, would you want her to cut off any and all contact with the other man?  Of course you would.  Would you want her to try to sneak in some contact or to try to justify “keeping in touch” to herself while hiding the same from you?  Of course you wouldn’t.

When your spouse cheats on you and is asking you not to divorce him, then you want to know that he is worth it.  And in order for this to be so, they have to be trustworthy.  Still sneaking around to contact the other person (even when you are not technically still cheating) is not being trustworthy.  It is not putting your spouse first.  It is not having integrity.  And you need all three things to successfully be rehabilitated.

So yes, in this case, there is really no confusion or sleight of hand.  It means just what it says – that you make a clean break, that you communicate (very clearly and quickly) that it is over, and that you avoid interaction after that.  Your priority and your focus is on your marriage now.  You owe that to yourself, to your marriage, and to your spouse.  There is no room for anyone else.

No Contact As It Relates To The Faithful Spouse: The other way that people discuss no contact is when a couple (or a faithful spouse) decides that they are not going to communicate with their spouse for a while because of the high emotions associated with the affair. The thought process is that this break gives both people a chance to calm down and allows the cheating spouse to think while he can’t reach out to the faithful spouse.

Along those lines, someone might ask: “my mother told me that I should kick my cheating husband out of the house.  I reluctantly did that because quite honestly, it was painful to have him around.  My mother also indicated that I should not let him call or come by.  She said that I should let my silence speak for me and that this will make my husband even sorrier than he already is.  I understand the thinking behind this, but I feel that this tactic is a little cruel, especially since my husband is going to want access to his children.  My kids are not going to understand why they can’t see their father.  How far do you take no contact and does it work?”

How far you take it (and whether you want to participate in it) is up to you.  Some people have some success, but many people find that there are some problems with it.  For one thing, it’s common to wonder if he is continuing to cheat when you are not interacting with him. It’s also common for both people to assume the worst about the other – since they can’t possibly know what is going on without being in touch.

“No contact” seems to breed mistrust at a time when you might be trying to rebuild the trust. A couple can also drift further and further apart this way.  But I do see the point about allowing things to calm down, which is why I think a compromise might be in order.

Considering A Compromise: If you think that this is a viable option, why not limit the contact, but not negate it all together?  Perhaps he may call the kids at set times and see them once a week.  At that time, the two of you could touch base and talk if that feels comfortable to you.

If things go well, you could very slowly increase the contact if it feels right to do so.  But I think not having any contact when you share kids might be a bit drastic and quite difficult to carry out.

As you probably can tell, when “no contact” means that the affair is truly over, I am very clear on the fact that this should happen – with no excuses. If the affair is over, then it should be totally over with no interaction.  It’s not that hard to understand.  You must completely end it and then not communicate afterward.

As far as “no contact” between the spouses goes, I think that this one has shades of grey and is harder to carry out, although perhaps a less drastic version of it may work.

My husband and I did live apart for a short time after his affair.  But because of our children and because I wanted to know what he was up to, there was definitely limited and well-defined contact. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are extremely frustrated because they are not seeing a lot of remorse in the days following the discovery of an affair.  They often expect for their husbands to immediately express remorse, but this doesn’t always happen.  And this lack of immediate remorse can leave them wondering if they are going to see any sorrow at all, and, if so, when.

I heard from a wife who said: “two days ago, my husband admitted to an affair.  He told me this news in a very matter of fact way and in a somewhat cold tone.   He pretty much just made the announcement and waited for my response.  He didn’t offer any explanations or apologies.  This is weird to me because a year ago, our best friends went through infidelity and my husband was completely outraged at the unfaithful husband’s behavior.  He expressed disappointment that the husband would act with such a lack of integrity or sincerity.  But now, here my husband is acting in the same way and he is not showing any remorse at all.  My friend said that if I give him some time, I will probably begin to get some apologies from him.  Is she right?  When should I expect to see his sorrow?  When does the remorse begin?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Remorse Follows A Varying Timeline:  Unfortunately, it is very difficult to give a definitive answer about remorse.  Because when you see it often depends upon the personality of the person being unfaithful, their reasons for cheating, and where they are in the other relationship.  For example, if the affair is still intense and current, then you may not see a lot of remorse until the relationship begins to cool down.  Because people often need to understand that the affair is a horrible mistake so that they can feel remorse for it.

But if they think that the relationship is a positive in their life that makes them happier, then they will typically attempt to justify it or refuse to be sorry about it.  As unfortunate as this is, the good news is that often, with time as the affair cools down or the true nature of the other person and the relationship becomes apparent, they will often gain a new perspective on the affair.  As a result, they eventually come to regret it.  And when they do, this is when the remorse often begins.

Sometimes, People Don’t Let Their Spouses See Their Remorse Because They Think It Is A Sign Or Weakness Or They Assume That It Weakens Their Position:  Sometimes, you will see spouses who are sort of indignant after an affair.  They seem to have a cold and uncaring attitude as was the case of this husband.   Many times, the faithful spouse will see this attitude and assume that the cheating spouse isn’t sorry or just doesn’t care about the marriage anymore.  This isn’t always the case.  Sometimes, the cheating spouse is posturing to a degree.  They figure that if they get all emotional and fall over themselves showing remorse, then the faithful spouse will pile on the guilt and will expect to see more of the same type of subservient behavior.

Their thought process is that if they make it clear that they are not going to show weakness early on, then the faithful spouse’s expectations and demands will be lower so that recovery will be much easier for them.  Very few people welcome knowing that they are going to have to express sorrow regularly or grovel for their spouse’s forgiveness.  They would rather try to see if they can set the tone early.

What Are You Options When You Are Not Seeing Remorse Quickly Enough:  It’s my experience that most faithful spouses (including myself) want and demand to see remorse sooner rather than later.  When you see it will sometimes depend upon how the affair is progressing or if it is truly over to the point where the unfaithful spouse can truly understand what a mistake that they have made and can therefore begin to feel sorrow.  If you don’t think your spouse is at this point yet, you may have to wait a bit.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t make it clear that you expect to see it at some point in the very near future.

For example, the wife in this scenario might look for a time to say something like: “I can’t help but notice that I’m not seeing and hearing a lot of remorse from you about the affair.  I realize that the emotions are still fresh and you may be as confused as I am.  But you need to understand that I’m going to need to see some remorse from you before I can begin to move forward toward recovery.  I need to truly believe that you are genuinely and completely sorry before I can even think about trust you again.   When you have progressed enough where you’re more comfortable expressing that remorse, then let me know.”

You may have noticed that I tried to keep the tone matter of fact, mirroring the husband’s tone.  I didn’t berate or try to shame him (since this was likely to make him feel defensive.)  Instead, I told him what I expected and how to reach out once he got to that point.  It’s my experience that you will have more success with this approach than with trying to shame, guilt, or force him into claiming emotions that he is not yet ready to express.

So to answer the question posed, remorse can begin even before the affair is over, but sometimes it takes a good deal longer.  A lot of this depends upon the situation and the people involved.  And sometimes the faithful spouse will need to make it clear that remorse is not only expected, it is necessary.

I didn’t always see the kind of remorse that I wanted throughout our recovery.  Once I made it clear that this was nonnegotiable, things began to chance.  I also learned to use positive reinforcement instead or relying on guilt and shame, and this helped a good deal.  If it helps, you can read about our recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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I often hear from women who are dealing with infidelity and who admit that, in a perfect world, they would like to one day be able to save their marriage.  But of course, almost all of them have reservations and doubts.  One of the biggest concerns that I hear is the fear of repeat cheating.  It is absolutely normal to worry that the very second that you allow yourself to trust him again, he’s going to repeat cheat and absolutely shatter you.  The fear is so large and so real that some people consider not attempting to save the marriage for the fear of the second affair.

Someone might say, “I need to know the likelihood that my husband is going to cheat again.  He swears that he won’t.  He is saying and doing the right things.  And yet, I can not bring myself to trust him completely.  I am always on guard. Trying to get through this process has taken everything that I have.  It has shattered what I thought I knew about my husband and my marriage.  I am suspicious of everyone and everything.  I see the world as a hostile place now and this was never true before.  It has placed a dark cloud over everything.  I am slowly trying to recover, but it has been crippling.  I can’t do this again.  My husband swears that he would never put himself in this position again.  I want to believe him.  But he found a way to cheat once, so who is to say that he will not cheat again?  What do statistics say about the likelihood of a second affair?”

If you have looked, I’m sure you have seen that the statistics vary.  Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be an agreement.  I have seen three sets of statistics.  One indicated that only 22 percent of people cheated more than once.  Another contradicted that and said that as many as 55 percent of people repeat cheat.  Plus there was an online survey of people who’d had affairs and 60 percent of them said that they had been unfaithful more than once. (I would take this one with a grain of salt, as the folks who are online and willing to talk about their infidelity might be a different subset than the people who just want to move on with their lives.)  However, as you can see, the statistics vary widely, but you can get as high as about half of the unfaithful people will cheat again.  And you can get as low as only 1/4.

I understand why you want to know about statistics.  I can spout off a lot of statistics about affairs and their recovery because I did a lot of research due to my own experience.  But I can tell you something else.  You can read statistics all day long, but truly, they don’t have any impact on your life.  Just because a certain number of other couples have one experience, that does not mean that you will.

The better indicator of whether you will deal with another affair is not what happens with other couples – it is what happens with your husband, with yourself, and with your recovery.  I can tell you something else that I learned.  You can only do as much as is humanly possible and there are still no guarantees, but it does get better.  Time is a wonderful tool with this.  Early in our recovery, I always worried over the slightest little perception of deception.  Most of the time, it was just my suspicions working overtime  But with time, you begin to see that your first fears aren’t coming true and you allow yourself to relax just a tiny bit more. And one day, you realize that if you do the counseling, if you insist that your husband take responsibility and become rehabilitated, and if you work on yourself and you become as strong as you possibly can, then at some point, you have to just take a breath and know that you can’t fully control this.  You can and should make your marriage and your recovery as strong as possible.  And you should always be aware.  If my husband started acting weird tomorrow or showing troubling behaviors, of course I would be concerned and I would investigate that.  But I no longer want to live my life always on my guard.  My husband and I worked long enough and hard enough that I feel safe in releasing just a bit.  If my husband’s behaviors made it necessary for me to change, then I would, but I got tired of living my life for fear of tomorrow.

You are early on in this process, so you haven’t had the advantage of time yet.  But if you are still invested in your marriage, then you can only see to it that you get all the help that you need and do everything that you and your husband possibly can to get back on track.  You can be clear about your expectations and you can have each of them met.  And at some point, you just have to exhale and know that if the worst should come, then you will handle it then, but you aren’t going to compromise the rest of your life always living with suspicion and walking on eggshells.  Only you will know when you’ve reached this point.  Usually, quite a bit of healing needs to happen first.  But no matter what the statistics say, many marriages are able to get to this point.  Because sure, there are certainly people who have a second affair. But there are also people that don’t.  I completely understand the concern, but it’s very hard to live your life like that for the long term.  Take it one day at a time and tell yourself that you will handle things as they come.  You’re welcome to read more about my own experiences at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Many wives who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair will tell you that this process has affected their self-respect or their self-esteem.  This may not make sense unless infidelity has happened to you, but having your spouse cheat on you can make you feel like you are less than everyone else and that you weren’t very intelligent or observant for having this happen to you.  Thus, you can become angry at yourself on so many levels for allowing this to happen. I know that this might seem crazy, but it’s true.  Many wives share their frustrations about this with their husbands and are surprised when he claims that his self-esteem and self-respect have also taken a hit.  This upsets many wives because they think that not only is he not validating their feelings, but he’s now trying to play the victim in order to take the wind out of their sails.

She might say, “one of the biggest struggles that I am having after my husband’s affair is that of my self-respect.  I’ve always considered myself to be a strong person.  I don’t let people walk over me and I speak up when I feel that I’m not being heard or am being taken advantage of.  I like to think that I am competent personally and professionally.  However, now that I am considering trying to work on my marriage after my husband cheated on me, frankly, I think less of myself. I see myself as a meek housewife with no self-respect.  Granted, I could support myself and one the biggest reasons that I am still here is because of my kids, but still.  I shared this with my husband and I was hoping that he would tell me that this was silly because I was strong and that I was certainly not letting him off easy.  But do you know what his response to me was?  That he understands because he feels less self-respect too.  What?  How does this make sense?  I am the one who is staying when I am the injured party.  I was the one who was betrayed. So why is he suffering from lower self-esteem?”

Why Cheating Men Can Have Self Esteem Issues: I can pass on what many men have told me and what I have read.  In no way am I defending your husband.  But men can take a hit with their self-esteem and self-respect because they are embarrassed and ashamed of their choices.  They betrayed their family.  They put what they valued most at risk.  And they can feel very helpless when they go to fix it.  They can’t take your pain away.  They can’t make you believe that they are sorry and won’t cheat again.  They can’t take this back.  They can only feebly try to improve a bad situation, all the while knowing that the people who they love are in pain because of their own actions.  They can wonder how they could have been so stupid.

So yes, what your husband is saying isn’t completely uncommon. But that doesn’t mean that he should not validate your concerns as well. He may not be consciously trying to bring the attention onto himself or to divert away from your own concerns, but I can see why you would think that and feel angry. Ironically, often the person who cheated and the person who was cheated on feel exactly the same way when they are dealing with the aftermath – frustrated, angry, helpless, scared, and incompetent. Of course, they feel this way for different reasons.  And the person who DIDN’T cheat really doesn’t DESERVE to feel this way because you truly are the injured (but innocent) party.

Insights That May Offer A Little Relief: If it helps, I will tell you some things that helped my self-esteem.  I was angry at myself because I didn’t suspect the affair, but in truth, it was when my husband was in another area for work.  So I consciously decided that unless I was just a paranoid wife who was overly suspicious of her husband, why would I have seen it coming?  I gave my husband the benefit of the doubt, as trusting spouses are supposed to do.  It was unfair of me to blame myself for that. Another place where I beat myself up was that I worried that I was no longer attractive.  I worried that I’d lost my looks and that my husband would never love or genuinely desire me. But then I realized that I looked the same as I did the week before the affair.  And at that time, I wasn’t exactly delighted with my looks, but I didn’t think of myself as hideous either.  I did address issues that bothered me (like my teeth,) but I didn’t go crazy with unrealistic changes.  I’m a mom. I am of a certain age.  I decided to take care of myself and to be healthy, but beyond that, I’m not going to chase unrealistic ideals.  As far as deciding to stay, yes my kids did influence me. But I stayed because I love my husband, my marriage, and my family. This doesn’t make me weak, uneducated, or a pushover.  It means that I am someone who prioritizes my family more than staying angry. It means that I am a problem solver more than I am someone who runs away.  My decisions weren’t the right ones for everyone, but I made them and I wasn’t going to feel “less than” because of them. I am still a strong and capable person and I am sure that you are too.

If you don’t like your husband deflecting about his own self-esteem, you can just try something like, “well, I guess we can empathize with what the other person feels like.  For myself, I’m going to do a lot of self-work to get my self-respect back and I hope that you support me with that, since you know how I feel.”

Never make any apologies for doing whatever you need to do to make yourself whole again.  But make no mistake.  This wasn’t your fault and you don’t need to feel bad about yourself for it. There’s more about my experiences at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I sometimes hear from people who want their cheating spouse to feel some consequences for their actions.  They want their spouse to feel guilt, shame, remorse, and sorrow.  But, for whatever reason, they have been unable to elicit these responses.  Their spouse continues to act defensive or indignant or attempts to shift the blame.  As a result, they look for ways to entice their spouse to feel the emotions of guilt that they should just naturally feel.

Someone might say, “honestly, my husband SAYS that he is sorry for the affair, but his actions and behavior just don’t show this. Sometimes, when we are discussing how the affair has affected our family, I will start to cry because I am so upset at what he has done.  When I cry, he doesn’t attempt to comfort me.  He just gets really uncomfortable and occasionally he will say that he wishes that he could take it back.  When I ask him for reassurance that he’s no longer seeing the other person, he replies that he isn’t sure what I want from him, since we are together for most of the day.  I want sincerity from him, but it doesn’t appear that I am going to get it.  When I talk to my mother about this, she says that the best thing that I can do is be indifferent about him.  She says that I should busy myself with the kids and other things and then when I ignore him, he will fall all over himself to apologize and offer me reassurance.  Is she right?”

I have seen this strategy work temporarily.  But I have also seen it backfire in a big way. Why? Because when you pretend that you don’t care, you’re just playing the same games that your husband is playing and he might respond by shutting down.  Or, he might take your indifference as neglect, which in some husband’s minds, is justification to cheat again.  Whether this strategy works for you really does depend on if you want to save your marriage.  If you don’t, then I see no harm in being indifferent.  It won’t matter if he withdraws or retaliates or decides that he doesn’t want to play games.  It also won’t matter if he’s sincere but he retreats because he thinks that you don’t care.

But if you do want to save your marriage, the goal is to rebuild a healthy marriage built on honesty.  I know from my own experience after an affair that honesty is probably the single most important factor in recovery. I couldn’t bear for my husband to even tell me the tiniest of white lies.  I wanted to know the truth about everything.  So when you pretend to be indifferent, that’s really not being truthful at a time where you should expect the absolute truth and when it’s important to be transparent.

I know that all of this is asking you to take the high road.  But in my experience, the best way to get the behavior that you want from him is to model it yourself.  If you act indifferent, sometimes he will mirror your behavior and you’ll get two people who are pretending not to care when in fact they both care very much. This is all a big waste of time and it can cause misunderstandings, which can make things even worse.

I think that it’s possible to turn down the high emotion of the situation without pretending that you just don’t care.  For example, the next time you ask him for reassurance and he tells you that he’s with you for most of the day, you might try, “and yet, somehow that is not enough.  I really need for you to reassure me that you don’t intend to see her, even if you had the time and ability.  I want to know that you are making the choices that are going to strengthen our family.  Perhaps you are not ready to give me that, but until I get it, I’m not sure that we’re going to be able to heal.  I’m looking for reassurance that I can trust you.”

Then, let it drop.  See what he will do.  I know that it feels awkward to have to spell it out.  But once you do, it’s on him. You’re no longer tap dancing around it and hoping that he will rise to the occasion.  You’re telling him what you want and need and giving him the choice as to whether or not he will meet that.

If you are not in counseling or using very good self-help, I’d highly recommend that.  Your plan to be indifferent is based on the fact that you aren’t getting what you want and need from him.  A counselor or good step-by-step guide would help you to get that much more easily and efficiently than pretending or playing games.  Since honesty is such an important part of recovery and restoring the trust, I just can’t advocate pretending.  You don’t always have to show all of your emotion.  But I don’t think that you want to lie and pretend not to care when you do.  Otherwise, you’re just inviting him to do the same and recovery will be very difficult with two people who are pretending.

I know that it’s tempting to want to protect your feelings.  I did this also.  But there comes a time when you have to just get real and lay it out there.  Once both my husband and myself did this, things improved. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  This is a very common question and I’m asked it on a very regular basis.  Today, with the release of the photo of the woman Arnold Schwarzenegger had a baby with, I’ve been asked it several more times. Needless to say, the other woman wasn’t what every one expected.   And we often are left to wonder why a man with a beautiful, talented, and accomplished wife would cheat and have a baby with his less than beautiful alleged housekeeper. Wives often ask me what husbands see in the other woman, especially when she’s not particularly beautiful.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband cheated on me with an overweight, underachieving woman who is much older than both of us.  She’s not attractive or accomplished.  She doesn’t have a particularly good personality.  I just can not understand what he could possibly see in her or want with her unless the sex was just mind blowing –  which is hard to even imagine with the way that she looks.  What do men see in the other woman, especially when she’s not even attractive? This whole thing depresses me because it makes me think that my husband would have sex with anyone that’s willing at this point.”

I can’t answer these questions on behalf of every husband or every man.  If you asked a random sampling of men this question (and they were able and willing to give you an honest answer,) you would likely hear a wide variety of responses.  But I often hear from men on my “surviving the affair” blog and many will discuss or even defend their choice of the other woman.  Much of the time, there’s a common theme in what they have to say.  So, in the following article, I’ll share with you what men often say about what they see in the other woman.

Men Often Say That They Get Understanding, Appreciation, And Enthusiasm From The Other Woman: As I alluded to, many men aren’t willing to discuss what they saw in the woman that they cheated with.  And many are embarrassed or ashamed. And looking back, they realize that their perceptions at the time were incredibly inaccurate and misguided.

However, here’s the types of comments that I often hear.  Many men will finally break down and admit that, although they know that the other woman wasn’t necessarily a beauty queen,  she did make every attempt to listen to and understand him.  Often, she puts his needs ahead of her own.  For a man who may already be vulnerable because of his own self esteem issues or doubts, this can be very appealing.  You’ll often hear comments like “my wife just sees me as the guy who brings home the pay check, takes out the trash, and mows the lawn, but she rarely listened to me.  The other woman took the time to find out what makes me tick.  She remembered the little things and always made me feel important.

Here’s another theme that I often hear – that of acceptance and appreciation.  The husband will say that the other woman was appreciative of anything that he could offer her.  In other words, she didn’t make demands on him or have high expectations.  She was always happy to see him, even if she didn’t get to see him enough.  Many wives interrupt me when I’m explaining this and say something like: “how pathetic is that?  Basically, she let him use her at his whim?”  And this probably isn’t that far off of the mark.  When a man is vulnerable or struggling, not having to meet anyone’s high expectations or demands can be tempting.  (Of course, as the relationship progresses, this usually doesn’t last.  Eventually, most women will begin to expect more from him or want something in return.  And this can be when the relationship turns sour.)

The final thing that I’d like to mention is enthusiasm.  Many men will tell you that what the other woman didn’t have in looks or status, she made up for with enthusiasm.   This can encompass sex as well.  Many wives assume that the other woman has some sort of hidden sexual tricks or prowess.  (And sometimes, even men are under this impression.)  But, much of the time, when a man is being honest about this topic, he will tell you that she was simply enthusiastic.  You’ll often hear comments like: “it just got to a point where it was clear that my wife saw sex with me as a chore.  It was obvious that she was only going through the motions and didn’t enjoy it.  That’s why it was so tempting to be with someone who obviously wanted to be with me and was turned on by me.  Having sex with me was never a chore for the other woman.  She actually enjoyed it.”

This enthusiasm will bring about those other feelings that I talked about.  It makes a man feel worthy, desirable, and alive.  “Alive” is a phrase that you hear men use ALOT when they’re talking about an affair.  They’ll tell you that she made them feel alive.  What they’re trying to say (and often aren’t saying very well) is that she made him feel like he was worthy of her attention, appreciation, and enthusiasm.  And this can a be a boost that he thought he needed at the time.

Just Because A Man Sees Something In The Other Woman At The Time He Cheats Or Has An Affair, This Doesn’t Mean That His Feelings Don’t Or Can’t Ever Change: Many wives make the mistaken assumption that a man’s feelings about the other woman don’t change.  Quite often, they do.  Once the affair is out in the open and these men have to return to reality, they often see things much more clearly.  And this is when they’re usually embarrassed, ashamed, and aware of how wrong they were about so many things.

They often don’t see this as clearly as we would like until they’ve had some time to reflect and the distance to have more perspective that isn’t influenced by their swinging emotions.   Many men tell me that their wives won’t listen (or don’t believe them) when they say how wrong they were about the other woman.  I often hear comments like: “I don’t know what I was thinking or what I saw in her.  She doesn’t hold a candle to my wife.  I suppose I was just feeling unappreciated and unloved, but that’s no excuse.  I don’t think that my wife will ever believe me about this. The sad thing is, if we could just repair our marriage and she would show me a little bit of enthusiasm and appreciation like she did when we were first married, then we could recover and this never would’ve happened in the first place.  But she’ll never be receptive to me now after what I’ve done.”

Whether you want to repair your marriage or not is really up to you.  But hopefully, this article has given you some insight as to what your husband might have seen in the other woman and why it’s not a given that he still feels the same way.

I know that understanding or dealing with any issue that has to do with the other woman is difficult, but healing really is eventually possible. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from people who have made the very difficult decision not to walk away from their marriage after an affair.  Many have committed to this decision because they really do feel that it is the best thing for themselves, their family, or their marriage.  But despite their determination or best intentions, there’s no question that this is a very difficult process that moves on its own slow timeline.

Since it’s no fun to go through, people will often want to speed it up, or at least know when it might feel easier.  Someone might ask: “when is my marriage going to feel easier after my husband’s affair?  I agreed to try to make our marriage work.  And it took me a long time to get to that place.  In the first couple of weeks, it made me feel ill to even have him in my presence.  But eventually, I decided that splitting up would be so hard on my kids.  And my husband did seem genuinely remorseful and was begging me to give him a chance.  So I told him that I’d give him three months to show me that he was serious.  I can tell that he is trying. But things just feel so darn awkward between us.  When he hugs or tries to kiss me, I recoil and I am always suspicious of his motivations.  I wonder if he really feels this affection toward me or he is just trying to make me feel better.  I keep telling myself that tomorrow is going to be better.  But it never feels all that much better.  My husband alternates between being tentative and resentful.  I alternate between being distrustful, angry, and sad.  I was willing to give this a try.  But if it always going to feel this awful, I don’t know if I have it in me to stick it out.  When does it get better?”

Having gone through this, I can tell you that time does help.  But time alone typically not completely ideal.  I’ve thought long and hard about this and I believe that I can identify the happenings that made things easier for me.  I know that everyone’s experience is going to be different.  But maybe sharing this will offer someone a little reassurance.

It Helps When You Notice Your Husband Showing Sincerity And Integrity Over Time:  In the beginning, all you really have are his words and his promises.  You want to believe him.  But he’s proven some dishonesty.  So understandably, you worry that he’s not trustworthy.  In order for him to prove that he is in fact trustworthy, some time is going to have to pass.  And you are going to need to see that, over and over again, he is doing exactly what he has promised.  You need to see him having integrity and being sincere even when he thinks that you are not looking. You need to see him doing the right thing even when it’s not easy to do so.  Once this has been happening again and again, you can start to relax about his sincerity.

It’s Extremely Helpful When You Obtain A Plan Or Some Guidance: One of the biggest problems I see is that people proclaim that they are going to stay in their marriage, but then they don’t make any change or try to implement any rehabilitation.  As a result, every one lives in fear of the cheating happening again.  No one can relax. There’s no progress because there’s no plan.  It’s vital to have a roadmap to get yourself out of this.  A counselor can mean that you don’t have to work as hard or feel as lost because they can create the road map for you.  But if you don’t want to go the counseling route, there are many self help resources that can allow you to do this for yourself.

It’s Beneficial When You Begin To Understand That With Determination, This Isn’t Going To Beat You:  I know first hand that there is a real tendency to beat yourself up after infidelity.  Even when you are not the one who cheated, you can feel like you did something wrong.  You can feel like you’re being punished again and again.  I found it helpful to get out of the victim mentality.  It also helped immensely when I worked on building my self esteem.  Once I gained confidence, I realized that no matter what happened, I would be OK.  I realized that I did not need to define my life and my happiness through someone else.

Don’t misunderstand me.  I want my marriage.  I want my husband.  But I also know that if either of these things were taken away, I’d be OK.  Because I am always going to have myself.  Knowing that you are going to be OK regardless is very freeing.  And it helps to remove the intense pressure and the paralyzing anger.  When you realize that you are responsible for your own happiness and your own experience, you feel so much more in control.

And frankly, a lack of control is one of the things that makes an affair so devastating.  One way to take back that control is to strengthen yourself so that you know that someone else’s whims and mistakes are not going to define you.

No one expects all of the above to happen immediately or simultaneously.  But when they do happen, you feel relief.  It does get better.

I remember when I was in the same place that you are now.  I was afraid that every day was going to be the same miserable experience.  Very slowly, as I acted with deliberation and kept track of my progress, I began to see some improvement.  I learned that things moved more slowly when I waited for improvement rather than actively trying to get it.  You can read more about that process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who admit that their husband is seemingly doing and saying the right things after his affair. Even so, the wives often have a nagging little feeling that they just can’t shake which is asking them if their husband is really sincere about everything that he says. Often, they really want to believe that they can trust and believe in him. But, despite this, they can’t help but have their doubts.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “I caught my husband cheating on me last month. Turns out, the affair had been going on for about three weeks. He immediately apologized and begged for my forgiveness. Not only did he agree to go to counseling, but he found the counselor and made the appointment himself. He’s doing and saying all the right things. He’s constantly telling me how sorry he is and how he’s going to make this all up to me if I will just give him the chance. But, I can’t put my finger on what is bothering me because in the back of my mind, I can’t help wondering if he is really and truly sincere. It’s almost too perfect and too rehearsed. Sometimes, despite everything that he is telling me, I will watch him when he isn’t aware that I am looking. And I will see this sort of faraway look on this face which I suspect means he’s thinking of her. I almost feel like he’s trying to make me believe in him so I will let my guard down and he can then see her again behind me back. I suppose my question is how do I know that he is really sincere when he’s says he’s sorry, that he’ll never cheat again, and that he wants to save our marriage? How do I know that he isn’t just telling me what I want to hear so that he will have the all clear to do what he wants to do on the sly?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

Take A Look And See If His Actions Match His Words: Sometimes, wives don’t understand why they have that nagging little feeling that makes them doubt their husband’s sincerity until they begin to put 2 and 2 together. In other words, are his claims and his actions in alignment? For example, is he telling you that you are the love of his life and that he would do anything for you but then when you are together, he’s not showing you the physical affection that would back this up? Or, is he insisting that you can trust him only to be showing up late sometimes or contradicting himself on little things which might add up to big things? Is he telling you that he’s so deeply sorry for cheating but then getting defensive or even dismissive when you ask him questions about the affair?

All of these things will give you little clues that what he’s saying and how he really feels might be two different things. Now, sometimes a man can be very sincere in his words but he may not know the best way to carry out intentions in actions. Men can be very uncomfortable and awkward when it comes to thinks like discussing their feelings and motivations or agreeing to counseling. A lack of these things do not necessarily mean that he’s not sincere or that he doesn’t love you. But, if you are seeing more than a few of this contradictions, then it may be time to pay attention.

Signs Of A Man Who Is Sincere About Saving His Marriage After He Had An Affair: It goes without saying that all men are different. But there are often tell tale signs they will give off when they really are sincere about saving your marriage. One of the first things to look for is their agreeing to some type of counseling, help, or at least some resources to make them understand why they acted as they did and what they can do to keep it from happening again. I am being very honest when I tell you that this process can be awkward, embarrassing, and painful. It’s just not a lot of fun to examine your every thought and motivation, especially when you are the one who messed up. But a man who truly wants to save his marriage is often willing to do this because he knows that it is likely to help him get what he wants – which is his wife and his marriage back.

Also, a man who is sincerely sorry and motivated to save his marriage will often be very accountable. He fully realizes that his situation is the direct result of his own actions and no one else’s. You’ll sometimes have to pay particular attention to the man who says “yes, I cheated and I’m sorry but you were never there for me” Or “you didn’t give me enough attention or affection.” The reason why these phrases are so dangerous is because they show that he almost feels justified in his actions. So that the next time he feels unappreciated or abandoned, you have to wonder if he will feel justified in cheating again. This isn’t to say that if you are seeing this in your husband that he can’t be rehabilitated or made to understand the mistake in this type of thinking. But, this is a warning sign.

Another thing that you want to look for is patience and lack of defensiveness. A man who knows that the affair was all his fault is going to be willing to face up to your disappointment and anger rather than making you out to be the bad guy or implying that your reaction or feelings are not warranted. That’s not to say that he’s going to enjoy your angry words and actions, but he’s not going to turn them back on you as if you are at fault because of his belief and knowledge that he is the one at fault.

It Can Be Difficult To Identify Sincerity In The Early Stages Of Recovery: I would like to make one final point. Often, it is your husband’s long term actions that are going to be the best indicator of his sincerity. Men can and will say anything after the affair is first discovered when everything is fresh. But eventually, dealing with these issues get very old when you are not 100 percent committed to your wife and your marriage. And if a man really wants to be with the other woman, he will usually only hold out so long before his true colors begin to come out.

On the other hand, a man who sincerely wants to save his marriage is going to consistently show you the same behaviors over the long term because he is simply telling you the truth. So there is no reason for you to see any changes because his intentions and his message are always the same.

It took me a while to believe in my own husband’s sincerity after his affair. But over time, I just noticed a consistency in what he said and what he did. He hung in there over the long haul and, at the end of the day, it mattered. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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