Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

I sometimes hear from wives who are devastated not only by their husband’s cheating or affair, but also by the loss of intimacy and physical contact.  For whatever reason, sex has been taken off the table.  So at a time when a wife is already hurt and confused, she’s now struggling with the fact that she can’t have the reassurance of being intimate.  This leaves her wondering whether her husband is still attracted to her sexually and whether or not her marriage will be able to recover.

She might say, “my husband had an affair about two months ago.  At first, I would not even speak to him.  Eventually, I allowed him to come and see the kids, and little by little, we began talking again.  I can tell that he feels very guilty and embarrassed.  He goes out of his way to be accommodating and kind to me.  He has told me that although he’d like to stay married and that he would never cheat on me again, he can’t ask me to stay with him because he doesn’t know if he could stay with me if I cheated.  He is basically saying that he wouldn’t blame me if I refused to take him back.  I’ve told him that I’m going to take my time in making a decision.  But up until this week, I truly was considering it.  However, last weekend, the kids and I watched a movie with my husband and they fell asleep.  My husband and I ended up talking and laughing.  One thing lead to another and before long we were kissing.  When things were about to get intimate, my husband pulled away and said ‘I just can’t have sex with you right now.’  I was stunned, so I asked, ‘you can’t or you won’t?’  He got up and said ‘I just can’t.  I’m sorry.’  I have no idea what to make of this.  My husband appeared to be aroused, but then he would not continue on.  I have tried to ask him about this, but he always changes the subject. Is he not attracted to me?  Can he not physically complete the task because of the affair?  I want to save my marriage, but I also want to have a healthy sex life again one day.  Why would a man not be able to have sex with his wife after the affair?”

I can’t speak for your husband, but I’d suspect that it wasn’t that he COULDN’T have sex with you.  I suspect that he could have completed the task if he had felt right about it.  However, many men have quite a bit of guilt and shame after the affair.  So they know that having sex again might create a good deal of awkwardness and negative feelings.  On the one hand, they may very much want to have sex with you.  But they are ashamed of this desire, since they feel that they don’t have any right to ask this of you. Plus, they know that when you disrobe and begin to have sex, you might both be caught up in thoughts of him having sex with someone else, since that wound is so fresh. The thought of this might terrify him.  And he might figure that it’s better to just wait to have sex than to try it now and have it be a disaster.  Also, he may not want for it to look like he’s only interested in sex with you when he doesn’t really deserve it.

I know that this is painful and may feel like a rejection, but let’s look at the facts.  Your husband and yourself were having a nice, light-hearted time laughing together.  He was clearly into it when he was kissing you.  And then something changed.  Since he’s told you that he’d like to save your marriage, I highly doubt that he’s not attracted to you.  In fact, I’m sure it was tempting to have sex.  However, he was probably trying to avoid a potentially embarrassing or awkward encounter.  And perhaps he didn’t want for you to feel taken advantage of in the morning or he did not want for you to feel guilty.

I delayed sex after my husband’s affair for a couple of different reasons.  I wanted to make sure that it was the right time.  I did not want to rush into it and potentially make bigger problems than we already had.  I knew that if the sex was awkward and just not good then I would take that to mean that my marriage was doomed.  So I wanted to wait until I was sure that it could be right, because I knew that my husband and I were both going to analyze it.  Frankly, it was great because we didn’t rush it and because there was so much anticipation built up to it.

Your husband could have the same thought process.  He may want to wait until you’re both sure that it’s the right time.  He may not want to look like the creep who is pressuring his wife to have sex after his affair.  And he probably knows that you might both have thoughts of the affair during sex.  All these reasons are why it can truly make sense to wait.

I found it very helpful to wait until it was VERY obvious that the time was absolutely right.  This was the best call for us and today sex is a good and important part of our marriage.  Waiting did not harm us in the least. In fact, it enhanced things. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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If you’ve not ever dealt with infidelity, you might not understand how you can still love your spouse but be gravely disappointed in his cheating.  I did not understand this until my own husband had an affair.  Before this discovery, I thought that if he ever cheated on me, we would be done.  And right after I discovered the affair, I still thought this.  But what I didn’t consider was that the thought of denying my kids a full-time life with their dad and the idea of letting go of my life partner was much more difficult than I ever imagined.  What you don’t understand until you have gone through this yourself is that the love doesn’t diminish instantaneously because of infidelity.  You can’t just stop loving someone out of principal, at least I couldn’t.

But many cheating spouses assume exactly this – they figure that once you find out about the affair, you are automatically going to hate them.  Many figure that they’re going to end up divorced no matter what.  This isn’t all that surprising, since many of us have been telling our spouse exactly this for our entire marriage: We state that if he ever cheated, we would be done with him.  So it’s understandable that our hatred is exactly what he’d assume.  Both of you might be shocked when you find out that you don’t exactly hate him. But explaining what you do feel, and getting him to believe it, might be a different story.

A wife might say, “this is a weird situation, but my husband thinks that I hate him after he had an affair.  He says that I should hate him because he hates himself. He willingly moved out and every time he comes over to see the kids, he acts like he doesn’t deserve to be here. He rarely makes eye contact with me.  He said that he’s assuming that we’re going to get a divorce because he knows that I won’t ever look at him the same way again.  I haven’t made any decisions about our marriage and I do not want to rush things. So it’s annoying that he’s immediately going toward a divorce. He swears that he’d do anything to maintain our family, but he can’t imagine how I could manage this. Here is the truth.  I still love my husband and I’ve told him so.  I’ve laid out to him that I’m very angry with him and that I’m not sure about our marriage.  But my underlying love for him is not gone.  I’m very disappointed, but I can’t just not love the father of my children. My husband has done so many kind things and so much good for me while I’ve known him.  I can’t just forget about that. I’ve told him that no matter what, even if we divorce, I will always love him and want a good relationship with him, but he seems determined not to believe me.  How do I make him believe that I still love him? Or is that even important?”

I understand where you are coming from.  I was a little shocked myself that I was able to separate my fury with what my husband did with my husband himself.  That isn’t to say that I was not enraged by the affair.  But I never lost sight of what a good man my husband had always been.  I could not just ignore that. And I knew that I still loved my husband.  I just didn’t know if that would be enough to overcome the infidelity.  Ultimately we made it. But not without a lot of work and effort.  I was always clear with my husband that I was not out to ruin his life.  I told him from the beginning that it was never my intention to keep his children from him or to punish him financially or otherwise.

On the flip side, though, I never felt the need to prove or to “show” him that I still loved him. I figured that as we did the work to try to recover, this would become obvious. And I think that I was right about that.  Because once you go through all the rehabilitation and recovery after an affair, you realize that you wouldn’t go through all this hassle, pain, and inconvenience if you didn’t love the person or didn’t want for it to work out.  That just becomes fairly obvious with time, so I never felt the need to spell it out.

I think that what you can do is to keep treating your husband with mutual respect.  With time, hopefully he will come to realize that you’re still there and still committed to working with him no matter what happens.  I don’t think that you need to overcompensate or put yourself in a position where you’re trying to convince him of your love.  You are not the one who did anything wrong, so generally speaking, your giving your spouse access to yourself and the family is a good faith effort to show him that you’re still committed.  In time, if the two of you make improvements and progress, he should eventually believe that you are still committed to and loving toward him.  It is probably hard for him to understand how you feel because we all assume that we’re going to hate our spouse when something like this happens. It’s not until you walk in the actual infidelity shoes that you learn that things are not as you’d always assumed.  In time, as you improve and do the work, the love that remains for one another should become apparent.  But things are raw and fresh right now.  Just continue to be as patient and transparent as you have been and eventually, the reassurance should start to sink in with your husband. Loving him does not mean giving him a pass.  It just means that you’re not turning your back on your feelings while you give him a chance to make this right.

As you may have guessed, not everyone understood that I still loved my husband.  But that’s okay.  My marriage, and my feelings, are not anyone else’s business.  I DID NOT allow my love to cause me to give him a pass or to excuse his behavior.  Love was not enough.   There were many things that needed to happen before I would commit to my marriage again.  You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many faithful spouses in an affair will freely admit that they’d like to see their cheating spouse expressing guilt and remorse.  There are many reasons for this.  First, they want for their spouse to feel many of the negative and hurtful emotions that they’re now feeling because of his affair.  They also figure that he deserves every guilt feeling that surfaces.  And, even better, if he feels truly guilty, perhaps he will think twice before he cheats again.

Still, when you are dealing with a spouse who is moping around the house and overcompensating for his guilt every day, it can start to wear on you.  Perhaps you begin to think that this display of guilt is posturing or overkill.  It’s not uncommon for wives to have conflicting feelings about all of the guilt.  Someone might say, “I’ll be honest.  I like that my husband is hurting after his affair.  I like that he feels awful about it and thinks poorly of himself.  He deserves all of these feelings.  Because what I’ve been feeling has been no picnic in the park, either. But sometimes, his guilt leaks into the whole house.  Don’t get me wrong.  He should feel guilty.  He used our family’s money to buy trips and gifts for this woman.  He took money that my children could have used.  He lied to me, to his mother, and to our kids.  He snuck around like a little weasel.  He continued having sex with me during the affair.  So yes, he should be eaten up with guilt.  But it’s almost painful to watch.  He walks around all slumped over and looking like he’s going to cry at any minute.  I constantly catch him just staring into space.  If we go to a restaurant, he will order salad and water.  He will say that he deserves nothing more.  He just had a birthday and he insisted that no one buy him any gifts because he said that he wasn’t deserving.  If our kids try to show him affection, sometimes he will burst into tears and say that he doesn’t deserve their love.  He spends money that we really don’t have buying me guilt gifts.  So I’m not quite sure how I feel about this.  On one hand, he should feel guilty.  On the other hand, he’s a drag to be around.  At some point, he’s going to have to meet me like an equal if we’re going to save our marriage.  And he acts as if he almost can’t bear to talk to me. How should I handle this?”

If you are in counseling, I’d ask your counselor to handle this. He or she will know the best way to deal with it.  If you are not in counseling, I’d highly recommend it because a man who feels this badly about himself is vulnerable to undesirable behaviors and actions.  Not only that, but as you’ve already alluded to, if he can’t concentrate on much else besides his guilt, it’s going to be hard to move forward.

You’re right in that some guilt is appropriate and healthy, but so much guilt that it becomes destructive isn’t ideal, either. You could always try to have a conversation like, “you don’t have to order salad and water.  I know that you feel guilty and I understand why.  But taking it so far that we can’t enjoy a family dinner out is not helping anyone. It’s not great for our kids to see their dad this far down.  Why don’t we explore counseling and see what we can do about our family so that this gets better?  It’s not helpful for any of us to feel this defeated all of the time.  We need to address the affair and to try to move forward in some sort of healthy way for our family, but we’re not going to be able to do that if your guilt keeps you from thinking that you deserve to participate.”

People sometimes ask me if this type of guilt is legitimate or if the husband is just posturing.  Many times, it’s totally legitimate. Imagine if you were caught in this type of lie.  Imagine how embarrassed and ashamed you would feel. Imagine how difficult it would be to look your kids in the eye.  This is what your husband is dealing with, and he has to do it in front of an audience.  I’m not saying that he doesn’t deserve it, but it can be a hard situation for everyone.

His guilt can sometimes get better as healing begins.  As your husband sees that it might one day be possible for him to take responsibility and to at least begin making up for this colossal mistake, he may begin to calm down with the guilt. I often tell people that the best way to overcome this type of guilt is to become the spouse that your family deserves.  Yes, it’s normal to feel like the most deplorable person ever after you’re caught cheating.  But when you stand up, face your mistake, willingly take responsibility, and then make every effort to make things right again, then that is a good and honest first step.  You can only sincerely fix it and then vow to never do it again. Most people do realize this over time and the guilt diminishes, although it typically never goes away completely.

My husband definitely exhibited deserved guilt after his affair.  Sometimes, he did take it too far and I would bring this to his attention.  I did not feel that it was fair for me to have to try to talk him down off of his guilt.  I was the injured party, after all. He was the one who made the choice to cheat.  Guilt is one of those things that improves when he begins to take responsibility and to do the work necessary to fix this.  If he falls short, the guilt will be slow to improve.  You can read more about our own recovery process at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There are two very different subsets of people who want to know about the secrecy surrounding affairs.  I hear from people who suspect their spouse of cheating but who can’t elicit a confession or obtain proof.  So they wonder if they are ever going to learn the truth.

I also hear from people who are actively having an affair and who hope that the truth never comes out.  They’re trying to craft a plan where they keep this hidden forever because they don’t want to hurt or give up their spouse and family.

A faithful spouse might say, “call me crazy, but I know that my husband is cheating. I know it deep down.  But when I confront him, he acts as if I am crazy and paranoid.  I’ve tried to catch him or find some sort of proof that forces him to confess, but I haven’t been successful.  He continues to deny it, so nothing changes.  I am starting to think that I am never going to learn the truth.  I’ve even confronted the other woman that I think that he is cheating with and she looks at me like I’m nuts too.  Do people ever successfully get away with cheating forever – where the infidelity is never discovered?  Because that is where I think I’m headed.”

On the flip side, you can hear requests like, “can you tell me how to keep an affair a secret forever?  I made a grave mistake and had a very short-term affair.  I broke it off and it’s completely over.  But if my spouse found out about it, this would be a serious risk to my marriage.  I can’t have that.  I find myself constantly being paranoid that I’m going to act in a way to make my husband suspicious.  How do I ensure that the affair stays secret forever?”

I suppose there have been cheating couples who have been able to take the affair to their graves.  I’m sure that such people exist.  I just don’t think that this is very common.  Why? Because in order for the affair to never come out in the open, both people are going to have to never say anything to anyone else about it.  If even one of the affair partners spills the beans to friends, family, or coworkers, the chances of it getting around increase dramatically.  Most people who have affairs want to talk about it with someone.  And that someone can tell someone else.

Also, there are times when one cheating partner will decide to either confess to their own spouse or to tell the other person’s spouse about the affair out of spite or guilt.  That’s the problem – you can only control who you tell, but you can’t control who your affair partner tells – including your own spouse.

Surprisingly, many spouses find out about the affair from their own spouse.  Guilt has a way of eating away at someone so that some people end up confessing the affair even when their spouse didn’t know. However, for suspicious spouses, there are often clues.  Some people install spy cams or other things to catch their spouse.  Some hire private detectives.  If you really want to catch your spouse, you often can with a little patience and technology.

At least in my observation, most of the time, the affair is eventually found out in various ways.  It’s pretty unusual for its existence to never see the light of day since so many things would have to happen correctly in order for this secret to survive.

That’s not to say that some people who cheat don’t get lucky or don’t have a spouse who just doesn’t investigate all that much.  But for many, it is not a question of IF the affair is going to be discovered or confessed to, it is just a question of WHEN.  That’s why if you are having an affair and you feel bad enough about it to try to cover your tracks, then you are better off ending it if your marriage is still important to you.  It’s really just not worth it.

To answer the original question, I suppose its possible for an affair to remain a forever secret, but it’s just not all that likely.  Statistics tell us that most affairs end.  Plus, of those that end, most end badly.  This is a recipe for things to blow up in spectacular fashion, which can be very difficult to keep on the down low. When the affair ends, most of the time, the affair partner who has been jilted isn’t really interested in keeping your secrets or sparing your spouse’s feelings.  Unfortunately, you don’t have control over what others disclose or tattle about, which only increases the odds that the truth is going to come out.

If you are worried that the affair is going to have repercussions, there is nothing wrong with educating yourself about healing so that you can be prepared.  You can’t change the past, unfortunately.  But you do have control over how you deal with it going forward.  You’re welcome to read about how my family recovered  on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives would love to know what the other woman is thinking once the affair is over. Many assume that the other woman was smug about taking a man from his family and felt indifferent to the idea that she was potentially breaking up a family. Many wives envision women who set out to tempt married men away from their homes.

These wives might say something like, “I’ve never seen the woman my husband cheated with. I know that she is somewhat younger. I picture her as smug and conniving. My husband said that he didn’t hide the fact that he was married, but apparently, this didn’t bother her at all. In fact, my husband finally confessed that she almost saw it as a challenge – to get a resistant man to cheat. When I started to suspect the affair, he tried to break it off, but she tried very hard not to allow this to happen. I don’t really want to talk to her or seek her out, but I have to admit that I wonder what she thinks about all of this. I am wondering if she feels all triumphant because she finally wore down a married man and has potentially destroyed a family. There is nothing that I can do about this. It’s not as if I have the ability to make her sorry or anything. But for my own curiosity, I just wonder how smug she is feeling right now. Is smugness common of all women who cheat with men who are already spoken for?”

Honestly, it varies. Just as the personality and the motivations of all of us are different, the same is true of women in this situation. I sometimes hear from them and some are actually pretty remorseful. Some didn’t intend to begin the relationship. On the flip side of the coin, some just didn’t take the relationship all that seriously. They were just looking for a meaningless diversion and so they don’t have any strong feelings one way or another. And yes, there are those women who see it as a challenge or a game to tempt or cheat with married men. And these are the woman who can feel like they’ve won a prize when they get him to cheat and who feel like they have lost something when the affair ends.

I understand why you want this information. I used to have the same types of questions after my own husband’s infidelity. But I will tell you an unfortunate secret. What the other woman thought or felt is truly irrelevant to your bottom line. Thinking about her or dwelling on her is not in your best interest. Neither is fantasizing about revenge. Frankly, the best revenge possible is moving on with your life and reestablishing your own happiness – however that may come and whatever that might look like.

I know that it might seem very easy for me to suggest that you try to put her out of your life and move on. But I say this because it’s a lesson that I learned. The more you prolong thoughts about her, the more you prolong the pain and your own healing. It’s pretty easy to wallow in misery and depressing thoughts post-affair, but all this does is hurt you more and for a greater period of time. The sooner you can distract yourself with working on yourself and with moving forward, the sooner you can put her out of your mind. When you do this, it makes it easier and quicker to heal, which should truly be your goal.

I know that it’s very painful to suspect that the other woman felt like she “won” or that she beat you by turning your husband’s head. But think about it for a second. What did she win, really? She had a fast and meaningless relationship with a man who already belonged to someone else. She had zero chance at a lasting relationship because he tried to end it when there was a danger of you finding out. That had to sting instead of feeling triumphant. The truth is, most of the time, the affair ends eventually. Yes, it may feel great for all involved for a short period of time. But it almost never ends well. And when it does end, both parties have to face the reality of what they have done and accept responsibility for it. In reality, they are looking at a failed, doomed, and shameful relationship. And honestly, that can’t feel too great. In fact, it can feel like regret, fear, and guilt. None of these emotions feel particularly triumphant.

I’m sorry you have to go through this.  It may be beneficial to know that thoughts like these about the other woman and about the affair do diminish as you heal.  If it helps, you can read about my similar experiences on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I sometimes hear from people who know that their affair is wrong on multiple levels. Because of this, they know that the affair must end. They know that ending it is the right solution for everyone involved. And yet, they also know that there is going to be pain involved because they truly believe that they are in love with the other person and vice verse. So, in their minds, they want to handle the “breaking off” of the affair correctly and properly.

To that end, you might hear someone say, “I know that this is going to sound somewhat cringeworthy. But I have been having an affair and I know that it is wrong. I know that I need to end it. But at the same time, there is no question in my mind that I love the other person. However, I love my family more. I’ve noticed some disturbing behavioral issues with my children and I know in my heart that part of the problem is my emotional absence from the home. So I know that I need to turn all of my attention to my family. And I DO love my husband also. I know that the affair has to end. But I’m not sure about the proper way to do it. The other man has been there for me. I know that he loves me as much as I love him. And he deserves more than to just be brushed off. I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to do this.”

I understand where you are coming from, but if the other man knows that you are married and that you have children, I suspect that he had to know that the end of your relationship might arrive at some point. And if he really does care about you, then he must know how invested you are in your children. If he also has children, how could he possibly not understand?

I think that you can never go wrong with just being honest. There is nothing wrong with telling him that you are going to place your focus where it belongs – on your family. I don’t see how anyone in their right mind could fault you for that. Everyone should understand why you’d need to prioritize your children. I also don’t think that there is any kindness in dwelling on how much you care for him and what a sacrifice it feels like to end things. It’s really not helpful to give someone hope that you will change your mind when you know that you shouldn’t and won’t.

So I’d try something very direct, like, “I need to end our relationship because my family needs me. I am sorry that I involved you in an inappropriate relationship when what I needed to do was focus on my family. But now that I see my mistake, I really need to make this right and to place my immediate attention where he belongs. I’m truly sorry and I hope that you understand, but the relationship has to end.”  You can say it with a gentle and kind tone if you feel that this might make things better.

You have to say it very decisively because you don’t want for him to continue to contact you. This just causes confusion and more pain for everyone and it keeps you from your primary goal, which is your family. After you do this, move right on. Don’t dwell. Don’t check up on him. Don’t look at old pictures or ruminate on this. Do exactly what you said you were going to do – prioritize your family.

Speaking of your family, you didn’t mention whether or not your husband knows about this. So I can’t speak for him, but I would strongly suggest counseling or doing some self work to determine why you sought out an affair in the first place. You’ve placed your family first and that’s wonderful. But part of giving them the mother and parent that they deserve is making sure that you don’t repeat this same mistake. So determine what set you up to be unfaithful in the first place and then fix it. That way, you truly are free to devote yourself to your family with confidence.

I know that in these types of situations, it’s easy to get caught up in trying not to hurt anyone. But the real people who should be protected are the children. Someone who participated in an affair is an adult who knew that the relationship was going to have its challenges. You can certainly try to deliver the message with compassion, but I think that we can all agree that you have to deliver it with finality and then move on to what you know is most important. In truth, we often feel loving towards those people with whom we spend the most high quality time. When you give that time to your family, the love you feel should shift to them and the pain that you are feeling now should improve. I don’t mean to be insensitive. I’m just trying to stress what you probably already know deep in your heart.

The good news is that families can and do recover from affairs each and every day.  The damage does not need to be forever.  You can read more about my journey in trying to accomplish this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Understandably, many wives dealing with the overwhelming reality of an affair want their husbands out of their sight immediately. They don’t want to look at him. They don’t want to hear his excuses. They just don’t want him anywhere near their personal space, so they ask him to leave. In the days after this, many husbands will desperately try to call or come over, but many wives reject these overtures. Some people may call this an overreaction, but if you’ve ever dealt with infidelity, you probably understand.

A wife might say, “I know that is a totally a stereotype, but when I found out about my husband’s cheating, I threw his belongings out of the house and I refused to let him in. I told him that I couldn’t care less where he was going. The next day, he called me. I did not answer. He kept right on calling, so I picked up and I told him that he was wasting his time and that I did not have anything to say to him. As days went by, he started coming by my office in an attempt to talk to me. I had my staff tell him that I was busy. In short, I have thwarted every single attempt that he has made to speak to or communicate with me. I had nothing to say. None of his excuses were going to make any difference. He has long been aware that infidelity is a deal breaker to me and I’ve always been very firm on that. I’m not going to back track now. So I haven’t spoken to him in weeks. One of our mutual friends ran into my husband at a bar. The friend said my husband was unkempt and a mess. My husband mentioned that his father was in the hospital due to a stroke. My heart is sinking because now I feel like that could have been what my husband was trying to communicate with me when I was refusing to see him. I am close to my husband’s sister – although I haven’t spoken to her, either. Now, my heart hurts for both my husband and my sister-in-law. I would not mind being supportive of both of them, but I’m worried that my husband might get mixed signals with this. I still care about my husband and I want to be there for his family. But I still don’t want my marriage right now. I realize now that I was wrong to just abruptly cut him out of my life. But at the same time, I have no idea what type of relationship I can offer him going forward. I’m still very angry, but I still feel like we are family to an extent. And I know that if anything happened to my parents, he would be there for me. How do I let him know that I’m willing to be there for him without making a commitment toward our marriage?”

I think it’s admirable for you to care in this way. And I don’t think that there is anything wrong with calling your husband and saying something like, “I heard about your dad and I am sorry. Is there anything that I can do for you or your sister? I’m here if you want to talk.” And then let him take it from there. He may take you up on your offer to talk. He likely has enough to handle with his father that he won’t overstep and try to bring up the topic to your marriage.

You can certainly listen if he wants to talk and help with anything that he and your sister-in-law might need. It’s just natural to want to be there for someone who has been your family for so long. Even if you are angry with him for his mistake, there is no negating what you have been to each other for many years.

I think that at this point, all you can do is reach out to him and see how he responds. Since he’s been making such a huge effort to communicate with you, I can’t imagine that he will not be receptive. If he begins to push about your marriage, you can always say, “my focus right now is being there for your dad and sister. This is not the time to focus on our marriage. I want to support you and your family right now. I don’t want to talk about or make any decisions about our marriage. Let’s just focus on your dad.”

Just take things one step at a time. You may feel now that cutting him out of your life was dramatic, but so many people have the exact same reaction. An affair is a huge betrayal. Most people have a reaction that is also huge. Reaching out to your husband may help both of you to calm down a little. And it doesn’t have to mean that you’ve forgiven him or that you want to get back together. It can just mean that he was very important to you for many years and, because of that relationship, you want to be there for him right now. There is nothing wrong with that. One mistake does not erase your history and there’s nothing wrong with respecting that history.

There were times early on in our recovery that I had to put my anger at my husband aside in order to deal with life’s daily issues.  This wasn’t always easy, but it was necessary for our children and extended family.  It didn’t mean that I’d forgotten about the affair for even one second.  It just meant that there were other things in our lives besides the affair that needed our attention.  If it helps you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Many wives who are dealing with infidelity understandably want the complete truth about every single, tiny detail of their husband’s life and thoughts. It might seem like overkill to some, but when you’ve been betrayed and fooled by a spiderweb of lies, then it can get to a point where you’ll only tolerate 100% of the truth at all times. This can include the mundane details of everyday life – and those little things that most would consider not important. Under this lens, many wives find that their husbands are still floating untruths, no matter how small. Understandably, this can get a wife’s suspicions up even when it’s possible that there is nothing amiss.

She might say, “I used to kind of shrug and sometimes laugh when my husband would downplay certain things or tell little white lies. For the most part, this was harmless. For example, he might lie on how much money he spent or when he last called his sister or mother. He might downplay how much time he spent at a bar or silly things like that. These are harmless things. But, since his affair, even small things like this are intolerable to me and it’s becoming a much bigger problem. I am now extremely sensitive to lies because his lying is what allowed him to successfully carry out his affair. It’s also why I did not suspect him until the affair had become a real problem.  We fought an awful lot about his lying about or omitting details about the affair. I fought hard for the truth. I stressed that I could not move on until I felt that he had told me everything. So, little bits of additional information seeped out. I thought that once this was behind us, he would have learned that he needed to tell the truth. And yet, I still catch him in little white lies. He’ll tell me that he ate lunch at a certain place and come to find out, he ate somewhere else. Or he will mix up the order that he did things. When I confront him, he gets defensive and says that he misspoke and that it’s impossible to accurately account for every single second of his day. He told me that I should try it if I think that it’s so easy. Honestly, I know where I’ve eaten. Accurately. Every time. I admit that my husband can be scatterbrained at times. But I would think if he knows that honesty is important to me, he would make more of an effort. Am I wrong about this? To me, especially now, accuracy is vital. I have no patience for even small lies. Am I overreacting?”

I don’t think that you are. What you are going through is normal. I reacted in the same way. But I did find something interesting, at least in my own case. Sometimes, a mistake is just a mistake. For example, in the early stages of our recovery, I thought it was such a huge deal every time my husband misspoke. I thought that it was potentially catastrophic every time that he was late. He insisted that he was being truthful and sincere. And now, years later, I can look back and I can see that he was indeed telling me the truth. Because in the years since that time, he has done exactly what he claimed. But at the time, when things were so fresh that I assumed that every small suspicion meant for sure that he might be cheating again. And these suspicions meant that I absolutely could not be objective.  So in my case, I saw problems where none existed. That said, a friend of mine assumed the best of her husband and he cheated again. So you just never know. My strategy became that the benefit of the doubt would be given until it didn’t make sense to do that anymore. If too many things are suspicious, well then, it’s prudent to pay attention. But if someone just misspeaks every once in a while and otherwise their behavior is sound, then that can be normal.

Honestly, one of the best things to try in this situation is to have a counselor ask your husband about inconsistencies. That way, you don’t have to be the bad guy and you don’t have to feed into your paranoia and suspicions. If your husband rejects counseling, try self-help that lists concrete questions to ask. Have your husband write out the answers so that this way, he is accountable for them. If what he claims turns out to be not true, you have a written record of it. But if he’s telling the truth, you don’t need to revisit it.

There is nothing wrong with insisting on complete transparency and truth after an affair. Both are necessary. If he’s lying consistently and about important things, that can be concerning. But if he’s just misspeaking about innocent things when you’re trying to “catch him” at every turn, then that can be more innocent. It’s usually the combination of his untruths and his behavior that is the most concerning. Some men aren’t great with details, but they show their loyalty consistently and they do everything that you ask of them. This distinction can be important.

Sometimes, it is best to pick your battles and to watch and wait.   If his answers seem plausible, then just watch for changes in behavior.  If the inconsistencies continue and his behavior turns odd, then you may want to look closer.  But if not, then you haven’t made things worse.  The “benefit of the doubt” strategy worked for me, but if my husband was repeatedly acting in a suspicious manner and his behavior was concerning, then this would have changed things.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Many wives hope that their husband will never see the other woman in the affair again.  Some go so far as to move to ensure that this happens.  Unfortunately, making a physical move isn’t always feasible.  And inevitably, if you stay in the same town, the husband will be out somewhere and will run into the other woman.  Sometimes, the wife will find out about this from her husband, since he’s trying to be honest.  Other times, she will find out from the other woman or from someone else.  Either way, this can be upsetting to her and she can wonder what sorts of feelings this brought up in her husband.

She might say, “the affair has been over for two years.  But it honestly almost ended our marriage.  I truly believe that the only reason that my husband stayed with me was because of our kids.  I’m grateful for that because I know that he believed that he had real feelings for the other woman.  Honestly, I think there was a time when he was somewhat obsessed with her.  But I forced him to break it off.  At first, he was very resentful of this.  Eventually, though, we began to make some progress and once our marriage was back on track, he admitted that he could see how stupid he’d been.  I believe that our marriage is pretty good today, but I was thrown off guard when my husband came home and said there was something that he wanted to tell me.  He said that he felt the need to be honest and to disclose that he’d run into the other woman when he was out for lunch with a male coworker.  He said that he didn’t seek her out and that he hadn’t seen or talked to her since he ended the affair.  He said that she came up to him.  He claims that they exchanged pleasantries and that they parted with no plans to speak again.  I asked him how he felt at seeing her.  I asked if he felt longing or loss.  These questions seemed to annoy my husband and he said that he felt embarrassed because he had to lie to his coworker about who she was.  He told the coworker she was a friend of mine because he didn’t want to admit that he’d cheated. I really want to believe this, but my husband got flustered when telling this story, so I don’t know what to believe.  At the same time, I don’t want to overreact and let this come between us because we’ve made a lot of progress.  How do most men react when they run into the other woman after the affair is over?”

It truly does vary, but I can honestly say that I’ve never heard a man say, “boy, I saw the other woman and I realized that she was the one who got away and I regret going back to my spouse.”  To be fair, I write articles about healing after an affair, so I’m probably going to hear from a subset of people who are moving on from the affair.  But more often than not, I hear about the same type of reaction that your husband had.  The husbands typically feel shame, guilt, and embarrassment.  Many will admit that actually seeing the other woman has them confused because she is not as stunning or as charismatic as they remembered.  Many just feel stupid because running into her is a harsh reminder of their mistake.  And they’d rather avoid that, of course, so most men can’t escape the situation fast enough.  They either avoid her or they excuse themselves at the first opportunity.

After all, what is there to be gained from this situation?  If they’ve gone back to their spouse and are in the process of saving their marriage, the only reason to stay and chat would be if they were interested in picking back up the relationship.  Most men in this situation aren’t.  They’re invested in moving on and nothing more.  As such, a reminder of a time in their life that they are not proud of and would rather forget isn’t really welcome.  They want to avoid it so they’ll exchange a few words and then they’ll leave.

The fact that your husband told you about this says a lot to me.  He didn’t have to tell you, yet he wanted to be honest and forthcoming.  I would only worry about this if his behavior changed or seemed odd moving forward.  If you continue to feel that your marriage remains solid and he is still committed to you, then I wouldn’t damage my marriage by dwelling on this, especially since he chose to tell you himself.  I’m certainly just an outsider looking in, but to me, there appears to be a good chance that he likely was embarrassed about the encounter and felt more regret than anything else.

I know that it’s hard not to worry.  But I would try to focus on what you do know – that he has been present and has been actively working with you on your marriage.  You have made progress.  This meeting was seemingly a random event that your husband didn’t seek out.  He has not changed his stance toward you or the marriage, so why should you halt your progress over something that he says had no impact?  I’d keep moving forward and would certainly keep an eye on his behavior, but I would not let this derail me. You can read about my own path to healing after the affair (in spite of a few challenges) on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Wives who are dealing with infidelity want a couple of things, just for starters.  They want a remorseful spouse.  They want to know that the other person is out of the picture and that their spouse has ended the affair firmly and permanently.  Unfortunately, even when some husbands try to do this, the other person does not always play along.  Sometimes, the husband sincerely and legitimately will try to end things and the other person will try to blackmail him into staying in the affair.

A wife might be dealing with a situation like this one. ” I know that it’s a cliche, but my husband cheated with someone from work.  He told me about it, but only because the other woman was threatening to tell me herself.  When she began threatening him, my husband changed his mind about the relationship very quickly.  He became angry, realized that the relationship was more trouble than it was worth, and broke it off.  The other woman wouldn’t accept it, though.  She’s telling him that if he doesn’t continue on with the relationship, she’s going to tell the higher-ups in the office about the relationship.  My husband is not her boss or supervisor.  But coworkers are not supposed to date.  Technically my husband has more seniority with the company than she does, so they might see this as my husband’s fault.  She’s also telling my husband that she’s going to send me photos and other stuff that is going to embarrass my husband.  She also stated that he owes her money, because she put down a deposit for a vacation that they were going to take together and now she’s lost her money. So my husband is now panicked.  I don’t think that he wants her back because, let’s be honest, going back just lets her have her way and creates a larger monster. But he doesn’t want his work to find out.  And I certainly don’t want her contacting me with pictures.  But I don’t know how to handle this.”

Don’t Encourage Any Cycle. Neutralize The Situation: I’m not an attorney or in law enforcement, so I’m not sure about legalities, but you could certainly reach out to see if there is anything that local authorities could do about the blackmail.  Beyond this, I’m not sure that it would be at all beneficial to bow to any of her demands.  If your husband did that, her threats would likely become larger and larger every single time he wanted to break it off.  It would be a never ending cycle.  If he’s truly done with the relationship and wants to move on, then he should be firm and tell her that regardless of what she says or threatens, the relationship is over.  Your husband will need to decide whether he should go ahead and tell his company before she can do further damage.  And he’s already told you, which really helps to neutralize the threats where she is concerned.  I would block her from my social media and phone.  If she tries to send you snail mail, return it to sender unopened.  If she comes on your property to talk to you, call the police.  Sometimes, it is necessary to change your phone numbers so that she no longer has access to you or your husband.

If You Have To, Consider Legal Options: There are restraining orders that you can seek in these situations, so your husband will need to determine if this is going to be necessary.  Blackmailing people and making threats are illegal, so it’s possible that law enforcement might have some insights on how to make this stop.  Many people will make these types of threats initially and then back off when it’s clear that this method won’t work.  But I think that you and your husband should be vigilant about this and protect yourselves.  You never know what another person is going to do and it’s better to be safe than sorry.  But threats are certainly not a valid reason to stay in a toxic, destructive relationship.  When you do that, you only make it harder and harder to exit the relationship.  And what is the point in continuing on with the damage while delaying the healing? Your husband might have to deal with whatever comes from his company and from you, but at least this way, she can no longer make threats. When your husband shows her that he’s not going to engage, she may realize that she has no currency.  If you and the employer already know about the affair, then her threats are empty.  Sure, she can try to send pictures or to offer up proof, but when she does, don’t engage.  Send them right back.  Most people will get the message and move on.  If she doesn’t, then find out what your legal rights are.  These are better alternatives than allowing her to bully your husband into remaining in a relationship that should be over.

I know that this is very difficult.  But you did nothing wrong here and your husband is trying to remove himself from this situation.  If you need outside help from authorities, do not hesitate to get it.  But in my experience, the sooner you get her out of your life, the better.  If it helps, you can read about how I moved on from the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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