Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

I sometimes hear from wives who are afraid that, now that the affair is over, the other woman is going to try to contact the wife or the husband. Of course, the wife usually hopes that the other woman will just gracefully go away. But unfortunately, this is not always the case. Many wives want nothing whatsoever to do with any unwanted communication from her. But that doesn’t stop her from trying to reach out.

A wife might say, “How common is it for the mistress or other woman to want to communicate after the affair? Yesterday, an unrecognized number called our home phone. The person who called had a blocked caller ID. I did not pick it up, but now I’m paranoid that it was the other woman trying to call us. My husband said that he was very clear that there was to be no contact when he broke it off. But will she listen? I have nothing to say to her, even though some of my friends say that I should hear her out. And I certainly don’t want her speaking to my husband. How likely was this call to be from her? Am I just being paranoid?”

Her Reaction Depends On Whether She Was Prepared For The Affair To End: I don’t think that you are being paranoid. You may have tried to google statistics on this, only to see that there really aren’t too many out there. But in my own experience and observation, it really does depend on the situation and on how the affair ended. It also tends to depend upon how invested the other woman was in the relationship. In general, the more warning of the affair’s end that comes beforehand, the more time both people have to get used to the idea and the less likely she is to try to call or contact either spouse. Additionally, the more invested she was in the relationship, the more likely she is to have a hard time letting go and walking away.

Sometimes, though, the other woman herself is married and she herself has a family. In these cases, she usually has no interest in the wife or the other family. The reason is because she never intended to leave her own family. She didn’t want anything permanent with the husband and now that the affair is found out, the last thing that she wants to do is to open the door to her own family being further jeopardized. So she’s more than happy to move on as quickly as possible. And this is the best case scenario, but not every wife is so lucky.

Consider Just Waiting For Now: If you are not sure which category your situation might fall into, I honestly would do nothing for right now.  I would not invite any drama. If the phone calls persist, then I would try to look up the number online, if possible. I honestly never pick up unidentified or strange calls because anyone who truly knows me or has business with me has my cell phone number or email. If it’s truly important enough that they need to get in touch with me, they would know how to do it.  And they would also leave a message.  I’d suspect that the same is true of you, so I would not worry about the call too much.

As far as your friends saying that you might want to talk to her, I disagree with that, but this is only one person’s opinion. Remember above when I said that the mistresses or “other women” who are most likely to try to call are those who don’t want to let the affair go? Well, those are also the women who are going to try to manipulate you when they talk to you. They aren’t going to be honest with you because they have their own agenda. Many wives agree to talk to them in order to gain information or insights, but you’d better believe that any information that they give you is going to be slanted to their benefit. They have no reason to want to be honest with you. Because their motivation for calling you in the first place is probably to push forward their own wishes.

As long as your husband was clear that it’s truly over and he wants no contact, I’d hope that if she does try to call him, he would immediately shut her down. If the call was indeed her, the fact that she called the home phone (rather than the husband’s cell phone) may indicate that she was looking to talk to you, the wife. If it were me, I would not play into her hand. If more calls come, I’d continue to ignore them. If they become excessive, then you can always block them. I rarely see anything positive come out of these communications. They just increase the deception, manipulation, anger and pain. The wife generally gets nothing but more aggravation out of these calls. There is nothing to be gained by anyone but the woman attempting to call. I know that there are always exceptions, but why not focus on yourself and what you need right now? You have other things to worry about, which is why I’d just ignore the calls and not overthink this issue too much. She can’t talk to you unless you pick up, which is why I wouldn’t.

I know that this is a difficult time, but it does get easier.  I do remember thinking that every stray phone call had to do with the affair.  I was always wrong and it made me paranoid.  To the extent that you can, try to focus on more important, more immediate things.  Fearing the worst before it happens is just allowing pain that isn’t yours yet.  There’s no gain in that. If it helps, you can read about how I overcome some of these challenges on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Is It Common For The Mistress To Reach Out With Contact After The Affair

I sometimes hear from faithful wives who are worried about their husband’s feelings after he has ended his affair.  Many worry that even though their husband seems to be committed to the marriage, he is going to miss the drama and the excitement that the affair brought about.  They worry that by comparison, their marriage is going to seem boring.

A wife might say, “my husband and I have been doing pretty well after his affair.  I’m pleasantly surprised because he has been very cooperative with everything that I have asked of him.  He comes home after work.  He doesn’t go out anymore. And he hasn’t complained about this.  But I worry that he is going to see just staying home as boring.  I do know that my husband spent a lot of money on the other woman.  They went out and did things all of the time.  My husband and I have dinner together and care for our children.  So I worry that he is going to miss the excitement of the affair.  I have always thought that we had a pretty good sex life.  But sex after you’ve been married for years probably can’t compete with forbidden affair sex.  Am I right in thinking that men tend to miss the excitement when they end the affair?”

I suppose that some men might.  But others are actually relieved to let it go because it was stressful to live with that kind of secrecy and lies.  I am not a man who has had an affair, but I have spoken with (and have heard from) many of them.  Granted, because of my articles, I am probably more likely to hear from those who want to save their marriages.  But frankly, many of them are living in a sort of pretend fantasy world during the affair.  They keep the affair and their marriage separate in their minds as much as is possible.  However, once the affair is discovered, this deception and cover up can’t continue.  And that is when the husband must actually see the reality of what he is doing.  It is usually only then that the seriousness of his actions can no longer be denied.

Putting This In Perspective: Many men in this situation become extremely afraid of losing their wife and their family.  They suddenly see the affair for what is was – nothing more than pretend. And worse, now they have put their family at risk. Once a husband has faced losing his wife and his cozy, comfortable family, he can actually start to put both on a pedestal, which may be why you’re seeing him being so cooperative about staying home.

That is not to say that there aren’t some men who truly want to save their marriage, but who are also almost addicted to the affair and to the other woman.  So although they tell their wife that the affair is over and they believe that their words are sincere, this doesn’t stop them from continuing to communicate with the other person because they just can’t seem to let the whole thing go.

But that is not true of every man.  Since statistics show us that most couples actually stay together after an affair, it’s my observation that the majority of men want their wife and their marriage.   Many are happy to be participating in their family rituals again because they were afraid that they’d no longer be welcome to do so.  Because of this, many are actually happy with (and comforted by) your nights eating side by side and spending time with your kids.

Easing Your Mind: Of course, any marriage can benefit from spicing things up if you think that this might help.  After my husband’s affair, my husband and I did make a point to step outside of our comfort zones.  We traveled more.  We spiced up our date nights by agreeing that we would try something new every week.  We found joint hobbies that we could pursue together.  These things were very beneficial because it felt like we were discovering something new during our recovery and this was fun for both of us.

However, there was no way around the fact that we were parents with children.  Our family came first.  We couldn’t pretend that we were newlyweds with no responsibilities, although we did make an effort to keep things fresh.  Ultimately, neither of us were bored or felt that our lives lacked excitement.  After all that we had been through, just spending quiet nights with our family in our home felt like a privilege because there were times when neither of us were sure that our marriage (or our family) was going to remain intact.

So to answer the original question, sure, there are some men who miss the excitement of the affair.  But in my observation, most men are relieved to be back in their family’s lives.  They realize their mistake and they realize that there is a sweetness and comfort in their family and marital history, which they take solace in.   When something that you value is put at risk over your mistake, you often are so happy to still have it, that you don’t see it as boring.  You’re just glad that it is yours.  However, if excitement is something that you worry about, there is nothing wrong with trying to spice things up so that NEITHER of you are bored or lacking in excitement.   But at the end of the day, my opinion is that denying your history isn’t necessary.  We chose to take comfort in it rather than considering it boring. You can read more about our healing (and spicing things up) at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Does A Cheating Husband Miss The Affair Excitement?

Many wives whose husband had an affair will tell you that, even if they didn’t suspect an affair, they might have noticed that their husband seemed ‘restless’ or ‘fidgety’ right before he cheated.  Many people cheat as a way to bring drama into the life which they think has become stale.  The great irony of all of this is that, much of the time, the husband later realizes that in actuality, he had it all with his wife and stable family, but he potentially threw it away for something that wasn’t even real.

As a result, many husbands actually end up settling back in with their wife again.  And things can go okay for many of these couples.  But often, the wife is understandably on the look out for strange or unsettling behaviors from her husband.  One thing that she might notice and that might give her pause is the fact that he can still sometimes seem to be restless.  She might perceive that he still is just unsettled about something which neither can quite put their finger on.

A wife might say, “I did not suspect my husband of cheating on me because I never thought that this type of behavior was within his character, but I did know that something was wrong.  My husband and I used to be homebodies.  We liked spending cozy nights at home.  We enjoyed reading, watching TV, and making dinner together.  We were never people who needed a lot of drama to be content.  But before my husband began cheating, he started to complain about our cozy nights.  He started whining that we never did anything and that we’d never really traveled, or done anything notable or worth talking about.  I really didn’t feel this way at all, but I tried to listen.  So my husband started to be less of a homebody and I went along for the ride some of the time, but other times, he didn’t seem to want my presence.  He also started complaining about his job, saying that his friends get to travel for work, while he never has.  I am sure this sense of unease lead to the affair, at this in part.  It was as if my husband was trying to scratch an itch.  When I caught him, though, he seemed to almost realize what he was doing and he snapped out of it.  He said that he didn’t want to lose me and that he didn’t know what was wrong with him.  His excuse was that he was aging and getting insecure about his accomplishments.  He said that he felt like everyone else is having a better life than him.  I do understand that because, let’s be honest.  Everyone feels this way some of the time. However, when I feel that way, I don’t react by cheating.  But, I was hopeful that we could work things out and go back to our comfortable lives.  And this seemed to happen – at least for a while.  But lately, I’ve been noticing that my husband seems restless again.  It all started when he was recently passed over for a promotion at work and all of a sudden, this life is not good enough for him anymore.  He’s starting to act all fidgety again.  I called him on it because I worry that he’s going to cheat again.  He got angry at this and wondered whether I’m going to accuse him of cheating every time he is disappointed in life.  Am I overreacting with this?”

I don’t think that you are.  Many specialists agree that when a man is struggling with confidence and competency, he is more prone to cheat.  This is why many men cheat after loss, let down, or when they are struggling with something.  So it is not unreasonable of you to equate restlessness with cheating.   However, it may be more productive to try to get to the heart of your husband’s restlessness instead of just pointing it out and worrying about it.  I know that this may be a challenge because hardly anyone wants to allow someone else to analyze their behaviors and insecurities.

That is why I’d suggest getting him (and you) into counseling if you can.  It is much better for all involved if the counselor is the one questioning and directing your husband. That way, if he is angry or defensive with anyone, it can be the counselor.  Plus, often the counselor can be more objective and observant than you ever could, since you are too close to this.  If counseling can help your husband identify and remove the source of his dissatisfaction, you might find his restlessness (and his complaints) waning.  It is very common for a man who is dissatisfied with things outside of his control (like a failing career or a boss who doesn’t appreciate him) to try to regain a sense of control by blaming everything on those closest to him – like his wife and his marriage.  So, while I think it might be helpful to try to incorporate healthy things that your husband wants to do – like travel – into your life, it’s also clear that his career and job satisfaction may be outside of your control, which is why it can be helpful to let a professional direct him on the best way to remove this stressor.  Doing so which may eventually also remove his restlessness and give him a new sense of purpose.

I do agree with your concerns about the restlessness.  I’ve seen too many men make the mistake of trying to shake up their lives by having an affair when what they really needed to do was to address the complacency or the issue that is causing the restlessness to begin with.  The good news is that the restlessness, and the marriage, can be fixed. You can read more about my own journey with this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Still Doesn’t Seem Content With Life After His Affair

By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, when your spouse is having an affair, it’s very difficult to think beyond tomorrow – much less well into the future. But once the shock wears off and the dust settles, many faithful spouses realize that this is exactly what they have to do. Because, in order to make a sound decision about the course of your marriage, it makes sense to consider what your marriage might look (and feel like) into the future. But this is often difficult to gage and it’s a topic that you know is so important that you don’t want to just guess at it.

I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband is begging me not to leave him because of his affair. I have agreed to wait a couple of months before I make a decision. But sometimes, I regret making this promise. I truly would like to save my marriage, but I’m not going to be naive about it either. My husband likes to pretend that we can just pick up our marriage like the affair never happened. I know that this is very short sighted. I know that this isn’t reality. I have had friends who have dealt with the reality of an affair and it seems to me that almost all of them continue to struggle, long after the affair is over. I’m just wanting to understand what are the long term effects of an affair on a marriage? What does our long term future look like?”

This is a very difficult question to answer. Because honestly, the answers depend upon several variables like the depth of the deception, the length of the affair, the state of the couple’s marriage after the affair, and the amount of work done during recovery.

The Long Terms Effects Of An Affair Can Be Both Positive And Negative.  But The Marriage Is Rarely Completely Unchanged: While the truth is that it’s very likely that you are not going to have the same marriage after the affair, what is often up in the air is whether this will weaken or strengthen your marriage. To be fair, I’m going to list common negative and positive long term effects after an affair because I feel like both are completely possible. Honestly, the course that you end up on is, at least in some ways, up to you and your spouse and how much work and effort you’re willing to undertake.

Some people don’t believe their spouse deserves their efforts and this is a fair argument. I understand it. I’m not trying to tell you what you should do. I’d just like to give you a glimpse into possible outcomes, keeping in mind that all couples are different.

Negative Long Term Effects Of An Affair: I would say that most every couple knows those neighbors or mutual friends who have a marriage that is rocked by an affair but who never truly recovers. Although this couple stays together, it’s often clear that they are doing so reluctantly and that there is still a good deal of anger present. There can also be resentment by both parties. The faithful spouse has resentment for obvious reasons. She has been wronged. But the cheating spouse can feel resentful too. Because he can feel as if he’s going to have to pay for this mistake forever. And he can feel as if his spouse wants to make him grovel for the rest of his life, no matter how remorseful he is and no matter how much he tries to make amends.

In short, this couple is beaten down. Both of the are well aware that this isn’t a great marriage and that neither one is happy or at peace. But, they just accept this as their lot in life. Often, they really do not want to live this way. They would like for things to be better. But they just do not know how to cross over toward healing. And so they feel stuck, frustrated, and a little bit angry most of the time. At the same time, they don’t want to let their spouse off of the hook by just walking away.

Positive Long Term Effects Of An Affair: I hope that the above couple of paragraphs weren’t too depressing. There is some good news. First, couples like the ones described above don’t have to live this way forever. You can always chose a new way. You can always begin to heal even when you think it has been way too long.

And, some couples actually find themselves in better marriages than before the affair. I know that this is hard to believe. When a therapist told me this, I thought she was only trying to sell her services to us, at one of the most awful times in our marriage. But, with time, I can tell you that this is true. I’ve seen it in my own life and in the life of others. It is not easy. It is not automatic. And it’s also not constant. There are ups and downs. I’m not going to tell you that every day in my marriage is rosy and that I never think about the affair because that wouldn’t be true.

But I can tell you that bad days are mostly rare. In fact, our communication today is actually stronger than it ever was. We speak up if there is something wrong because we know what can happen when we become complacent. I have also made big changes in myself and in the way that I look at marriage and all relationships.  My relationship with my husband is something I chose. It is not something that I depend on to define myself. Never again will I depend on someone else for my own happiness and self esteem. I trust my husband. I do not believe that he will cheat again. But if he does, it’s not going to make me think less of myself. I spent a lot of time building myself up and becoming the type of person that I want to be. In part because of the affair, I have learned that all I can really control is myself and the way that I live my life. This has changed my outlook on control. I used to want to control my husband, keep him on a short leash, and make him feel guilty if he disappointed me. Now, I realize that this is manipulation based on fear. And it’s not the way that I want to live my life. I can be responsible for my own happiness. And in turn, this has opened up our relationship so that we feel much less pressure. We know that we are both here because we want to be. And this really has transformed our relationship.

I hope this article has shown you that there are almost always long term consequences of an affair. Your marriage is rarely unchanged. But those changes can be positive and negative.If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

I often hear from wives who feel very insecure and jealous after their husband’s affair. This jealousy is not always limited to just the other woman in the affair. Much to her surprise, the wife can find herself jealous of numerous people, even if she is not jealous or envious by nature. This may be because her perception of herself (and of the world around her) has been rocked by the affair.

She might say, “I am not a jealous person by nature, but since my husband had an affair six months ago, I find my nasty, jealous side coming out. Unfortunately for me, the other woman is everything that I am not. She is high maintenance and well put together. She dresses to the nines and is friends with botox. I am a very casual person who wears minimal make up. Exercise is important to me so I do stay in very good shape, but I am not someone who is going to attempt to look a runway model if I am only going to the grocery store. I have a family and a job, so I try to look presentable, but I have other things to worry about. However, since my husband’s affair, I have now started to pay close attention to my appearance. I notice I have wrinkles and am starting to develop jowls. I have tried dressing better, but I feel kind of silly and I’m definitely uncomfortable. If I am in a grocery store and I see a well-put together, pretty woman, then I immediately feel that her life is better than mine and I wonder if she is the type of woman my husband would go for if he cheated again. I also find myself jealous of women who either never had children or who don’t put their children first. I am embarrassed to admit this, but I sometimes feel like my staying home with my kids and my putting my kids first has made me less interesting to my husband and just less appealing in general. I am jealous of career women who can do nothing but enjoy themselves on the weekends or who have spa days. I would never think of doing either. Lately, I am pretty much jealous of anyone who isn’t me. I feel like a huge, unattractive loser at times.”

I can totally identify with what you are saying. I went through the same set of feelings. I will share some things that ultimately helped me over time. Immediately after my husband’s affair, I truly felt hideous. I became so critical of myself and I had some of the same feelings about the fact that I had focused on motherhood. One day I was talking with a friend of mine who is childless and I confessed about how much I envied her. Then she admitted that she envied ME because she could see how much love I had for my children and vice verse. She said that she was jealous that for my entire life, I would have two other people in the world that I loved more than life itself. This was going to be true no matter what happened with my marriage or in other areas of my life. My friend said that no one could ever take motherhood away from me, or my love for (and from) my children. I could not argue with this. Then my friend insisted that I underestimated my looks. She said that sure, I wasn’t always heavily made up, but I had a natural beauty that didn’t require heavy use of cosmetics to enhance it. I appreciated this, but didn’t always believe it.

Then, a few weeks later, something very sad happened. For about 20 years, I had this ultra competitive relationship with a friend from high school, who later went to the same college as I did. This woman was so accomplished and talented. We often competed for the same internships, jobs, etc. She almost always beat me. She never had kids and traveled the world, which was something I REALLY wanted to do, but knew I might never have the opportunity considering my obligations. Anyway, we had a sort of love / hate relationship. My admiration of her made me see what I didn’t have. I spent a lot of time being envious and thinking that she had it all – until she got very sick. The point that I am trying to make is that you NEVER know what life is going to bring at you. Those people in the grocery store who you assume have it all may have a sick parent at home. Or they may go home to an empty house and watch TV alone. Things are not always as they appear. Someone may always appear to have it better than you. But likewise, someone will ALWAYS have it worse than you.

I learned to begin to appreciate what I had. Sure, I had some wrinkles. But I was otherwise healthy. Yes, I had prioritized my children and there were some sacrifices with that, but isn’t that true of anything worthwhile? At the same time, I did make some changes that increased my confidence level. I did change my hair, fixed my teeth, and enhanced my wardrobe. I gave myself permission to take better care of myself and to carve out some time (and maintenance expenses) just for me. I decided that a happier mom was going to mean happier children. At the same time, I was very careful to make sure that I wasn’t just chasing an idea of how I thought I should look. I focused on what I truly liked and not on what I thought my husband would like. I also took some classes and eventually began to pursue my own work. That way, if my marriage did not survive, I could have the confidence that I’d be all right. These things did end up helping my marriage, but that wasn’t the point at the time. I did them for myself because I did not like feeling less than other people. And in the process, I learned that if you don’t advocate for yourself, no one else is going to. I don’t experience nearly as much jealousy now.  I’ve learned that it’s best to focus on myself, on those I love, and on the many blessings that I DO have.  If it helps, you can read about my growth and recovery after the affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Am So Jealous All Of The Time After My Spouse’s Affair

It’s not uncommon for a husband caught in infidelity to try to come up with a reason or an excuse for his actions. Some excuses are frankly laughable. Others are painful. Some leave the wife wondering if they are valid and worth further exploration. One example of this is PTSD. Many husbands who have affairs are suffering emotionally and the affair is just an extension of this. Still, even if the wife accepts that the PTSD was a contributing factor, is it a valid excuse?

Someone might have a situation like this one, “my husband has been diagnosed with PTSD and he has finally agreed to seek treatment and to admit that this is a real problem. I think that the only reason he will seek counseling is because I caught him cheating on me and now he’s afraid that I’m going to leave him. Frankly, he is dependent on me for emotional support. He was in a bad car accident last year and has been struggling since that time. His personality changed quite a bit. Before the accident, my husband was very active and outgoing. Since the accident, he has become reclusive and introverted. He spends hours every day in a dark room playing video games. He met the other woman online. I’m shocked that he actually took it further so that it became a physical relationship, but it eventually did. Once my husband was caught, confronted, and could no longer deny it, he claimed that his PTSD contributed to the affair because he feels worthless and is just ‘walking through life.’ If I’m being honest. I agree with him that the PTSD could have contributed to this. I admit that his personality has changed. But these fact don’t make much of a difference to me. He still cheated. I am still left feeling hurt. I’m getting to the point where I’m asking myself if I still want to be his support system. I have been here for him and the thanks that I get is that he cheats on me? That doesn’t sound like a great deal to me. My husband is panicking at the thought of being alone. He says that he still loves me and he knows that I still love him. Perhaps that is true, but since his accident, it has been one bad event after another. Things have never gotten back to normal. He has now agreed to counseling for the PTSD, but he balks about counseling for the affair. He says if he cures the PTSD, there would be no need to worry about the affair. Is this even valid?”

I see his thought process, but I would not want to commit to a marriage where my partner wasn’t willing to work toward healing. Yes, it’s possible that his addressing the PTSD will address one risk factor toward his repeat cheating. And addressing his PTSD is a must. However, he can’t expect for your marriage to just heal on its own. He can’t expect for you to just be willing to pick up the pieces when he isn’t willing to get professional help in order to ease your mind about the potential for cheating in the future. I have been through infidelity and I’m not sure that our marriage would be where it is today without some third party, professional direction and self help resources. Healing doesn’t just magically happen on its own. Most people need help and guidance because the people inside of the affair don’t have the objectivity to heal it. They are in the middle of the storm and can’t possibly be objective.

I applaud your husband for agreeing to treat the PTSD. This is absolutely necessary because if he doesn’t treat that, then he’s more likely to cheat again, and frankly, to continue to struggle emotionally. He’s right that PTSD certainly contributes to risky behavior. But I honestly don’t think it’s prudent to stop at treating the PTSD only. Honestly, there are two issues here – the PTSD and your marriage. If you are only treating the PTSD, the marriage is still potentially floundering. I know that this probably seems like a lot of counseling or self help. And I know that the thought of this isn’t necessarily exciting, but neither is continuing to suffer and to be unhappy. If the person treating the PTSD also has experience with marital counseling, then part of each session could be spent on each topic. This would allow you to be involved with his PTSD treatment so that you could better support him. And it would give you more information about the health of your marriage and the possibility of saving it.

Deciding whether or not to walk away is a huge decision. For myself, I wanted as much information as I could get before I made that decision, which is why I did not rush it. We did do some counseling. We also did self help. On top of this, I watched and waited for a very long time before I made any commitment to my marriage. I basically told my husband that I would stay while we were trying to recover, but I wasn’t making any promises. He had to prove to me that my trust and faith wouldn’t be misplaced. And part of that was participating in any healing that I felt was necessary. Very few men are excited about the idea of more counseling, but in this case, there are several things going on, so counseling could help with both the PTSD and with your marriage. Plus, if you ultimately decided that the marriage just isn’t in your best interest, you will know that you tried and that your husband has a support system outside of yourself.

So while I agree that the PTSD could have contributed to the affair, it doesn’t excuse it.  Nor does it mean that the damage from the affair doesn’t need to be addressed.  That is why many specialists recommend  individual counseling for the contributing factors to the affair, as well as joint counseling to address the marital damage that the affair caused.  This isn’t a fun process, but until you get to the bottom of WHY your spouse acted in this way, you can’t have the confidence in your marriage that is going to be necessary to heal it.  The good news is that once you heal it, you can have some peace again.  At least that was my experience. There is more about our healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Blames His Infidelity On PTSD

If you are someone who is reconsidering the state of your marriage after a long term break that came after an affair, you might find that many of the statistics out there relate to couples that never separated in the first place.  Most of the statistics represent couples who struggled after an affair but who did not pause the marriage.  I sometimes hear from people who did pause the marriage and who wonder if they are in a group of only themselves.

Someone might ask, “I was wondering how many couples actually get back together after one of them cheats.  And I am not talking about staying together when there was never really any threat of a break up.  I am talking about actually separating or divorcing, and then living apart for a good deal of time AND THEN getting back together after a lot of time has passed.  I’m asking because I feel like my husband and myself are in an unusual situation.  We have gone through a long term separation because he had an affair.  I kicked him out immediately and he never came back.  I actually filed for divorce once, but I did not complete it.  However, we have not lived as a couple for quite some time.  We have worked hard to remain cordial for the sake of our children and I believe that we have done a good job with this. Neither of us has seriously dated again. Recently one of my children got injured.  At first, it appeared to be serious.  My husband moved in temporary to help me and to support my son.  During this time, we leaned on one another and I suppose it is not inaccurate to say that sparks flew.  Even when my child got better and really didn’t need my husband in the home anymore, he stayed put.  If I am being honest with myself, I have to admit that I’ve liked having my husband here.  I’ve actually been very happy.  It’s comforting to come home to another adult in the house and to have someone to communicate with.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually am considering reconciling with him.  I was speaking to a coworker about this and she said that she would hesitate with this because I clearly have forgotten how much the affair hurt me initially.  She is probably right.  Time has dulled that pain because I never would have been open to my husband right after the affair. I am just wondering how unusual our situation is.  How many people separate and then reconcile to stay together after the affair? I am able to find statistics on couples that never broke up, but what about couples who do break up and then down the road stay together?”

You are right that it’s much more difficult to find information on couples who actually separate or divorce after an affair and then reconcile later on.  What does seem to be clear is that more couples ultimately stay together after infidelity than break up.  It’s also pretty clear that the longer the spouses continue to live under the same roof, the more likely the couple is to stay together.  Couples who live under separate roofs more quickly are less likely to stay together, although this does sometimes happen (as your case illustrates.)  There are a few statistics that show that couples who experience infidelity stay together as much as 75-80 percent of the time.  But these statistics don’t break down the couples any further than that. In other words, they don’t tell us how many of those couples took a break from the marriage or the relationship and how many never considered leaving the marriage.

You can find statistics on separations which indicates that the longer the separation lasts, the less likely a reconciliation is, but again, there are always exceptions to any statistics.  And I’m not sure it is a good idea to base a life decision like this one on anyone else’s statistic.

I am not an expert, but I would think that reconciling after an affair is a similar process regardless of the living arrangements beforehand.  What I mean by this is that regardless of how much time has passed, you will need more to heal your relationship than the passage of time.  Sure, the pain is not still as fresh, but you still want to fix whatever contributed to the affair.  Otherwise, you leave yourself vulnerable to your reconciliation failing or to repeat cheating.  It can be an advantage that the anger has dulled and that both people have more perspective now.

I wish that I had more statistics to offer you, but as you’ve seen, most are pretty broad in nature.  However,  just because you can’t find statistics for your exact situation, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t move forward if you want to.  Every situation and every couple is different and there are exceptions to every rule and statistic.  If you feel that a reconciliation has potential, I see no downside in trying to heal and seeing where that leads.  I too felt furious and disappointed with my husband post-affair and yet, here we are today. If it helps, there is more about my reconciliation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on What Percentage Of Couples Get Back Together After Someone Cheats?

I sometimes hear from wives who are somewhat angry that they miss their unfaithful husband.  Many of them have kicked him out of the home.  They felt justified in doing this and they thought that taking this type of decisive action might give them some relief.  But, much to their surprise and disappointment, they find that they still miss him.  Many are confused about this reaction. They think that they should feel nothing but wrath toward him, yet this just isn’t the case.

Someone might say, “I’m embarrassed about this, but I miss the husband who I kicked out three weeks ago due to his affair. I know that 3 weeks isn’t even that long and I know that an affair is an unforgivable offense.  But several times in every 24 hour period, something will happen and I will think ‘oh, I have to share this with my husband’ or ‘I have to tell my husband about this,’ and then I’ll realize that I really can’t easily share this with him because I kicked him out.  When I get home after a long day, I find myself wishing he was there so that we could share dinner.  I find myself wishing that he could tuck the kids into bed and I know that this isn’t fair to anyone because he made his choice.  He calls every night to talk to the kids.  He tries to talk to me, but I admit that I’m pretty distant with him.  I get off the phone quickly, but then I find myself wishing I’d talked to him.  He texts and emails me, but I delete them.  He says that if I would give him a chance, he would make this up to me. I am angry at myself for missing him like this and for even considering his offer.  How can I make it stop?”

I think that you are being very hard on yourself.  For many of us, our husband has been in our lives for many years.  We usually share a home, children, and an extended family.  Perhaps it is unrealistic to just think that we can cut him out of our lives without a backward glance.  My husband and I spent some time apart after his affair, and I freely admit that I missed him right away.  I can’t imagine how this isn’t natural.  Because regardless of the circumstances, you have to expect it to hurt when your other half is fully participating in your life one second, and then in the next second, he isn’t.  Just because an affair is the cause of this does not mean that it is going to hurt any less or that you can stop yourself from feeling this void.

As far as how to make it stop, I would think or guess that time would eventually take care of that.  Since you have children, you’ll likely have to interact with and see him for some time to come.  Counseling can help to make this transition as healthy as possible.   Many couples are able to move on after an affair, regardless of whether they stay together or not, but it just takes time.  I found that when my husband and I were living apart, it helped greatly to keep myself busy and to focus on self improvement and self care.  In short, since I didn’t know what my life moving forward was going to look like, I decided to depend and focus on myself and on my children.  I couldn’t control what my husband was doing.  But I was able to control myself.  So when I felt myself feeling self pity or despair, I’d force myself to get up, take a walk, exercise, or do something else that benefitted myself, my kids, or others.  I tried to take the focus away from the affair and place it on something positive about the future.

To be fair, my husband and I did eventually reconcile.  This happened because through counseling and deep soul searching, I came to the honest conclusion that I thought that my life would be better with him in it than out of it.  This decision was made only after he had proven to me that he would take responsibility, be rehabilitated, and work very hard to restore the trust.  I would not have taken the plunge if I did not feel confident in his future fidelity.  But once I did feel that confidence, I did choose to restore our family.  This is not going to be the best option for everyone.  And I do believe that I could have moved on by myself if I had chosen to or if I had to.

But I think you’re being too hard on yourself when you expect yourself to just not miss him.  Your life has been altered because of a mistake that you didn’t make.  That mistake doesn’t mean that your marriage didn’t happen or that your family didn’t exist.  It is normal to mourn that when you believe that it’s gone.  If you decide that you don’t want the marriage, I believe that missing him will fade as you begin to heal and to move on.  But please don’t beat yourself up because this isn’t happening immediately.  It truly does take time.  It’s not a matter of being mentally strong or of having willpower.  It’s a matter of healing. I can’t predict if I would have stopped missing my husband if we had divorced.  I took the missing him as a sign that our marriage might deserve another chance if we could heal, but that is not going to be the answer for everyone.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on He Cheated But I Miss Him

Most wives are well aware of how much time has passed since they discovered their husband’s affair. Some will tell you that the time has passed quickly. Others will tell you that the time was so slow that it dragged. Some days, it feels like a little bit of both. However, because the wives are so aware of the passage of time, many will notice when noteworthy days pass. Many women call the day that the affair was discovered “d day” or “the day my world came crashing down,” or some variation on this. Many wives notice when the one year anniversary of “d day” is coming up. And they wonder if they should do anything about it. They wonder if they should just ignore it or use the day to take stock and discuss it with their spouse.

You might hear a comment like, “next weekend is the one year anniversary of the day that I found out about my husband’s affair. This knowledge has hit me hard. A year ago, I felt pretty certain that I would be divorced. The fact that I’m not divorced is a testament to my husband’s and my stubbornness. Neither of us wanted to give up. I admit that we’ve come a long way. But there are days when I still feel very hurt and raw. And then, these feelings will pass and I will feel okay again. Plus, I can’t really fault my husband. He has done what he’s been asked to do. Some days, he gets frustrated that I still hold pain and we have conflict about this. But overall, we are still standing. I mentioned this weird anniversary to my husband and he acted like he hadn’t even remembered. I find that hard to believe, but I did not make a big deal about it. I decided that I’d like to use the day to really talk to my husband about the state of our marriage, where we want it to go, and what we’d still like to work on. My husband said he will have that conversation with me if I want, but he says that ruminating over that day is kind of creepy and unsettling. Is he right? How can you not notice when that day passes? It was kind of a noteworthy day in my life. It was an awful day, but does that mean you’re just supposed to forget it?”

I think that different people will approach this in different ways. I would compare this to how people approach other painful events (like the death of a family member or accident) very differently from one another. For example, some of my family members honor the day of my grandfather’s death every year. They will meet at his grave and go out to dinner afterward. I DO remember my grandfather on this day, but I find it painful to dwell on it, so I don’t necessarily focus on the day of his death. I definitely remember my grandfather any time that memories come up and I definitely visit his grave, but I don’t pick specific days to do this. Neither way is right or wrong. Some find it cathartic to remember. And others find it painful. I don’t see anything wrong with choosing whatever method works for you. As long as you aren’t ruminating and whatever you do brings you a sense of relief or closure instead of pain, then I don’t see the harm.

If dwelling on the day bothers you or brings up fresh memories of the affair, then I’d definitely skip it and I’d try to make new and better memories. I’d plan an outing with my husband that gave me a sense of happiness and a fresh start. (By the way, it is completely normal to feel like you aren’t quite where you want to go one year post-affair. But, it’s good that you can see definite progress.) It’s fine to note where you still have work to do, but don’t let the setbacks keep you from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

If you want to talk about your progress with your husband, then don’t hesitate to do so. Talking about these issues is vital. Having open communication is a must. This could be a very healthy and productive conversation, but I don’t think that you need to wait until any special anniversary or any specific day to have it. And I don’t think that you want to set a precedent where every year, you’re going to feel a need to look back at the affair. After a year, things can most definitely still feel fresh. But you’re eventually going to want to get to a point where you want to look forward and not back. So this is only my opinion, but my answer is that you can notice the date if you feel that it might benefit you or be productive. But if all it does is bring you right back to the pain of the affair after you have made a year of progress, then I just don’t see the point.  From my own experience, I found it more productive to focus on things that pulled me forward and not pushed me back.  There’s more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Should You Do Anything To Acknowledge The One Year Anniversary Of A Husband’s Affair?

If you are a faithful spouse who is still at least somewhat open to trying save your marriage, one of your biggest concerns will often be whether or not the affair is actually over.  Sometimes, the cheating spouse will hesitate or delay in breaking it off.  Or, he will break it off immediately, but the faithful spouse will notice that he seems miserable or resentful.  Therefore, she wonders if he is unhappy without the affair relationship.  So, one big worry is that either the affair never ended at all or it is going to pick back up at some time during the future.

Someone might say, “my husband told me that the affair is over and I want to believe him.  His behavior is different.  He is not as distant toward me.  He comes right home after work.  He leaves his phone on the charger the whole time that he is home.  But some of my friends say that I am extremely naive and that I’m a fool if I think that the affair is truly over.  In some emails that I found between my husband and the other woman, it appears that they were making future plans to be together permanently.  My friends say that there is no way that my husband would just walk away from that and just end it so abruptly.  They say that I am fooling myself.  Are they right?”

No one can really answer that question but your husband.  Statistics indicate that once a person has cheated once, they are more likely to cheat again.  I’ve read a statistic which indicates that 45% of cheating spouses will cheat again.  But this doesn’t really tell the whole story.  Because you can’t know how many of the repeat cheaters actually took responsibility for their actions, sought counseling, and became so rehabilitated that the idea of cheating again (and jeopardizing their integrity) turned their stomach.  The numbers also don’t indicate the state of the marriages where the repeat cheating happened.

I am aware of many couples (and I include myself in this) who have had one instance of infidelity and never any more.  On the other hand, I do know some marriages that have dealt with repeat cheating.  The difference, I think, is that the one-time infidelity marriages took the time (and sometimes the considerable and long-term effort) to really heal the marriage.  Because the cheating spouse had to put in all of this time and effort, he truly understands the cost of his decisions, so he is going to be much less likely to want to repeat this process.  And he is also well aware that his spouse might not give him a second chance.  But, because he has healed his marriage, he has a great deal of empathy and concern for his spouse and never wants to put them through this type of pain again.  In my observation, the couples who tend to rush healing or gloss over the affair are more likely to have incidents of repeat cheating, but this is very individual to each couple.

As far as to whether or not you are naive, this is only my opinion, but I’d say you’d only be naive if you didn’t have your eyes open to the risk of future cheating and you weren’t watching your husband’s behavior.  However, you ARE watching his behavior and you are noticing that he is acting like a man who wants to spend most of his time at home and on his marriage.  If that weren’t the case, then there might be cause for concern.  I know from experience that it’s quite painful to always be suspicious of your spouse.  I really struggled with this.  If my husband was a few minutes late, I’d start to worry. If he wasn’t completely attentive to me at all times, I’d panic.  And then one day I decided that my paranoia was really hurting us both.  I made a pact with myself that I’d trust that my husband so long as his behavior meant that my trust made sense.  Of course, I was always watching extremely closely. And if he had started acting in any way that made me take pause, then my stance would have changed.  But like your husband, he was doing exactly what he told me that he was going to do.  He was present.  He was involved.  And he willingly went to counseling.  As long as he continued in these things, I would give him the benefit of the doubt as far as trust went.  The good news is that my trust paid off because he did not repeat the cheating.

Did that make me naive?  I don’t think so because believe me, I was always watching. I completely understood the risk and I was always on the look out for behavior that would indicate that I should worry.  However, when I didn’t find it, I felt safe to trust.  I think it would only be naive to blindly trust and then to not be watching the behaviors, but that is just my opinion.  If you believe the statistics, 55% percent of men do not cheat again.  So, if you work hard to heal your marriage and believe that your husband cares enough to not want to hurt you again, there is no reason to think that he won’t be in that 55% percent.  But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be attentive to his behaviors just the same, especially at first.  There’s more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Really Think That The Affair Is Over.  Am I Naive?