Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

I sometimes hear from wives who are angry at themselves because no matter how much they try, they just can’t seem to “get over” their husband’s affair and move on so that they can have a happy family again.  They will vow to set things aside, but then find that this is easier said than done.

Someone might say, “I have always been very clear on the fact that I wasn’t going to divorce my husband after his affair.  I was angry, but I do not believe in divorce.  I want for my children to grow up with a father, since I didn’t.  So there was never any question as to whether I’d stay. I’m going to.  But I don’t like what our life looks like right now.  I’m always angry.  I’m always suspicious.  I’m always bringing up the affair because I am resentful.  Because of this, my husband becomes angry at me.  So we fight.  And it’s just a cycle of anger.  During one of our fights, my husband asked me if I was ever going to let the affair go and just get over it. He said that he wasn’t sure that we were going to make it if I could not let this be. Believe me, I want to get over it.  I want to set it aside.  But I can’t seem to shake it.  How do I get over it so that we can stay together?”

Why Getting Over An Affair Is More Than A Mental Exercise: If getting over it was nearly a state of mind, it wouldn’t be so hard – or feel so impossible at times.  I know what you are going through.  I can remember waking up in the morning and vowing not to think about or bring up the affair at all that day.  And yet, by lunch, it would totally be on my mind.  I would get frustrated with myself.  But a great therapist told me that recovery from an affair is SO much more than mental and that I was simply asking too much of myself.  Looking back now, I can clearly see that this is 100% true.  Do we ask ourselves to just “get over” other things like illness, accidents, and tragedies?  No, we give ourselves time to grieve.  We give ourselves the tools needed to recover.  But when it comes to an affair, for some reason, we feel as if we don’t need these things or that there should be some exception to this rule.

In my own opinion and experience, you can’t be expected to “get over” the affair until you’ve had the time and tools to do so.  What do I mean by this?  You need to believe that your husband won’t cheat again because he’s rehabilitated, trustworthy, and motivated.  And for most people, this takes time and healing.  Sure, you could attempt to just blindly believe in all of these things, but we all know that when you try, your worrisome thoughts just start to creep back in.  Part of this is that it takes effort and time to restore the trust.  Time has to pass in order for you to see that it’s safe to trust again. You need time to watch your husband’s behaviors and actions.  If you rush any of this, of course you are going to feel doubt.  That’s just natural.

Once You’re Healed, There Is Usually A Day When You Can Make A Conscious Decision To Put This Aside: Yes, once recovery and rehabilitation has taken place, there does come a point where you might wish to make a conscious decision to move on.  I was able to do this and I willingly did so because I was tired to holding onto the suspicions, anger, and negativity that made all of us miserable.  But there is no way that I could have successfully done this UNTIL I knew that healing and rehabilitation had taken place.  At that point, I truly believed that my husband was not going to cheat again because we’d both worked so hard for so long.

If you’re not yet there yet, please don’t beat yourself up.  Just keep doing the work.  Just keep plunging ahead.  If the thoughts come, tell yourself that you will be aware of what is going on, but that you’re going to live your life.  If your husband insists that you just “let it go”, you might address these expectations with something like, “believe me, I would love nothing more than to let it go.  Setting down this pain would feel like freedom and I can’t wait for that day.  But we simply aren’t there yet.  We are too early in this process and healing is not complete.  If we keep on making progress and we are able to restore the trust, then I will absolutely want to let it go because, believe me, it is a heavy weight to carry.  You can make the progress go faster by being supportive, transparent, and responsible.  I’m doing my best and if we both make the effort, I’m confident that we’ll both be able to move on.  But we’re still early in this process and it’s not just a mental decision.  It’s a process of healing that we are only just starting.”

It’s normal for your husband to want you to quickly move on because it minimizes his responsibility and guilt, but that’s just not how real life works and it is asking too much.  Keep having the best attitude that you can muster and keep working toward healing (and asking him to do the same.)  This path will usually lead you to a place where you can CHOOSE to let it go.  But not until you’re healed and until it is your choice to willingly make.

Choosing to move on from the affair was very freeing.  But I could not have done this early on.  It took time and work to get to that place of letting go.  But I’ve never regretted it.  There’s more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I sometimes hear from people who were having an affair and they either know that the affair must end or they are in a situation where it has just ended.  Many still believe that their feelings were at least partly real.  Some want to know if it’s at all possible to maintain the friendship – even if the romantic part of the affair must end.

Someone might say, “I know that this is going to sound selfish, but I’d honestly like to maintain my friendship with the man who I’m having an affair with.  The reason for this is that he’s just become an important part of my life and a comforting source of support.  We work together and I depend on him.  Still, my spouse is getting suspicious and my family is the most important thing to me, so I have decided that I must end the affair.  Is it unrealistic to think that I can keep the friendship?”

Fair warning, what is coming next may not be what you want to hear.  I am not sure how realistic it is to keep the friendship, but I don’t think it’s at all fair.  I hear from so many faithful spouses who are terrified that their spouse will cheat again.  These spouses are fighting so hard to hold their families together.  They are struggling to allow themselves to be vulnerable in order to rebuild the trust.  How do you think that the knowledge that their spouse wants to remain friendly with the other person will affect that process?

I can tell you from experience that it can be very hard for both spouses to recover from an affair.  The faithful spouse struggles with trust and resentment.  The cheating spouse struggles with guilt and with feeling worthy.  So why throw in just one more difficulty (like remaining friends with the other person?)  Doing so is only going to make the faithful spouse more distrusting and the cheating spouse will feel that much more guilty.  This is not a good formula for success.

This is only my opinion, but when you want to remain friends with the other person, you’re looking to have your cake and eat it too.  The temptation is just something that you don’t need.  A good counselor once told me that while you are in affair recovery, you should not do ANYTHING that you would not be comfortable with your spouse knowing about or with your spouse actually seeing you do.  Would you really be comfortable with your spouse seeing you being friendly with the other person?

And let’s flip the scenario. Let’s pretend that you are the faithful spouse and that your partner has cheated on you with a coworker.  The affair is over, but you’re still trying to regain your footing.  You feel extremely betrayed and hurt, but your spouse is wanting to maintain a friendship with the other person.  Would you understand? Would you encourage this?  Or would you be extremely hurt and outraged?  Would you hope that your spouse would see that he or she needs to put your marriage first and put the other person aside? If you are being honest with yourself, any sane person would want for the affair relationship to COMPLETELY end.  This means no friendship or anything that is remotely personal in nature.

I understand that many people are faced with a situation where they have to work with the other person.  Honestly, I’d suggest a transfer or working on another team within the same company.  I know that this sounds dramatic, but most people find it awkward and tempting when they have to continue to work with the other person. It can be very hard to put your marriage first when you are in this situation, but that is exactly what you must do when you want a recovered and healthy marriage.  If none of these arrangements are possible, then the ideal is a professional work relationship, but not a friendly or personal one.

Some of us are friendly with our exes.  This can happen because most of us did not know our spouses during those relationships. Or, if we did, we did not betray our spouses in order to have those relationships.  There is a big difference between the two. When you lie to and betray your spouse in order to be with some else and you have an affair, then that person will need to be off limits going forward in order for your spouse to be able to trust you.  That is just reality.  Yes, it means that you will have to give the other person up, but someone who truly wants to save their marriage should be willing to do this.

Recovery after an affair means truly putting your family, and your spouse, first.  You aren’t doing that when you’re trying to have a “friendship” with your affair. If you are truly putting your spouse first, you are cutting out anything that might hurt your spouse or make them uncomfortable.  Trust me when I say that this friendship falls under that category. It is inappropriate and insensitive.  The easiest and best thing to do is to not pursue it.

If my husband had insisted on having a friendship with his affair, I’d suspect that we would not be together today.  In order for me to even be willing to save our marriage, I needed to see him completely cut off every single aspect of the affair.  There’s more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I sometimes hear from people who admit to an inappropriate relationship that has not yet become physical. This can be very confusing because it can feel like you are cheating when, technically, you are not (at least physically.) Many people in this situation admit to having very deep feelings that can certainly seem 100% real. Some even believe that they are “in love” with the other person, but they can wonder if this is even possible when the relationship is not a physical one.

Someone might confess, “I know that this is going to sound stupid, but I feel like I’m cheating on my husband when I’m actually not, at least technically. Still, I am pretty sure that I am in love with a coworker. I’ve been working with this person for five years, but our relationship changed about a year ago when we got partnered together at work. We had to navigate a very stressful situation and we came to lean on one another. We spend a lot of time together and have had some very interesting and intimate conversations. I feel strongly that this person knows me much better than my own husband. More and more, I no longer talk about this man around my husband because I just feel that it is not right to do so. My boss has been talking about separating us and giving us new partners and it was then that I realized that I’m in love with this guy because the thought of not seeing him every day is almost more than I can bear. My best friend says that this is an emotional affair, but I’m not sure if it is because I don’t know if he feels the same way. I know that I am very important to him and I know that he does not want to end our work partnership, but I’m not sure if the romantic feelings are there on his end. When I told my friend that I was in love with this person, she said that this was ridiculous since we’ve never even held hands, much less kissed or had sex. She said he’s only an emotional crutch and that I need to end this before it ruins four lives. I know that the other man would never leave his wife. He is too invested in his children. But I do love him. Weirdly, I still believe that I also love my husband. Is my friend right? Can it not be love if it’s just emotional and not physical?”

I don’t doubt that it can feel like very intimate love. And honestly, I don’t think that it really matters how you define it. I don’t think it matters one bit whether you call it love or something else. I think what truly matters is how you proceed right now. Because at this time, you aren’t yet at the point of no return. Yes, you know deep down in your heart that this relationship is wrong and has become too close for comfort. But as of now, this hasn’t crossed that threshold of being a full blown, physical affair where you’re having sex with someone else. Take it from me when I say that this is an extremely difficult thing to recover from.

I know that it will be painful, but I don’t think it would be a bad idea to allow the work transfer to happen. I am not sure what good would come out of continuing to work with someone with whom you believe that you are in love. At worst, you will cross the line and physically cheat. At best, you will get into this deeper and deeper so that it will only hurt more when it ends. If you still love your husband and are committed to your marriage, then the best thing that you can do is to end the other relationship. Yes, you think that you love the other man, but there is another man who you also love – the man to whom you made a commitment and to whom you are married.

Since you seem certain that the other man won’t leave his wife and that you love your husband, there is really no upside to continuing with this work relationship. I know that you will miss the emotional support and connection, but you are better off seeking that from your spouse anyway. It might be a little easier if you tried to envision your spouse in the situation that you are now in. If your husband was working with someone with whom he thought he was in love, would you want for him to continue on or to end it, to come back to you, and to invest in your marriage? I think that if you honestly answer those questions, your path might be a little more clear. I applaud you for seeing the danger in this situation. Many people don’t actually stop to evaluate until the affair has become physical and the damage has already been done. You have the power to stop this before it could irretrievably damage your marriage.

My husband’s affair was physical and although it was a difficult process, we did recover. You can read more about that at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I often hear from wives who are struggling with the decision about how to react to their spouse’s adultery.  Many are tempted to declare that the marriage is over, but when they actually ask their spouse to pack his belongings or they consider leaving their home, the gravity of this decision can feel quite heavy.  People assume that the decisions made after an affair are black and white or cut and dry until this actually happens.  And then it’s not so easy.  Often, you’ve built a life and perhaps have children.  So just walking away is not something to be taken lightly.

To weigh this decision, many wives ask themselves what other women have done in a similar situation.  Most wives have friends or family members who have dealt with infidelity.   And some notice that few of these women have actually gotten a divorce, which can leave the wife wondering if most people just give in and take him back.

She might ask, “do most wives just take their cheating husbands back?  I kicked my husband out after I caught him cheating.  He has been calling me several times per day trying to get me to take him back.  He tells me that many of our friends maintained their marriage after an affair, so I started asking around.  I probably know five people who went through this and four ended up remaining married. Do I just have loyal friends?  Do most women take back their cheating husbands or does it just seem this way?”

There are definitely some statistics which seem to indicate that infidelity does not always mean a divorce.  I saw a recent statistic which indicated that a 2007 study from the office of national statistics indicated that just 17 percent of people who got divorced that year cited infidelity as the reason – which means that there are far greater reasons that people separate or get divorced than cheating.  Statistics also show us that women are more likely to forgive an affair than men, since women are more threatened by emotional infidelity than sexual infidelity – while the reverse is true for men.  Frankly, men are slightly less likely to take back a wife who cheated (at least this is what statistics say) because men care more about the sexual betrayal.  If a women perceives that the relationship was more sexual than emotional, statistics say that she is more likely to forgive her husband than if the affair was a deeply emotional one where the husband was claiming to be in love or emotionally attached.

Despite what the statistics tell us, don’t assume that women automatically choose to stay or to take a cheating husband back immediately.  Many don’t officially make any decision at all.  They just agree to wait and see what happens. So they don’t divorce him right away.  But they don’t make him any promises, either.  They wait to see what he’s going to do in order to restore the trust and to rebuild the marriage.

If he is sincere and does what is necessary to make things right again, then the wife inches closer and closer to staying or to taking him back.  But if he continues to exhibit troubling behaviors or doesn’t follow through on his promises, then this makes the wife inch closer and closer toward ending the marriage.

The ultimate decision usually comes down to several factors.  She usually considers things like her feelings for her husband, whether children are involved, the level of remorse, the willingness to go to counseling, and the willingness to take responsibility for his actions and then to make any adjustments or changes that are necessary.

Most women don’t just decide to give their husband a pass immediately. Instead, they watch and wait.  They weigh all considerations and they tell themselves that they could change their minds at any time.  Also in play is whether or not this is the first time that the husband cheated.  Obviously, a wife is going to be less likely to forgive or to give him another chance if he is a repeat offender.

So to answer the original question, statistics show us that an affair is actually the cause of divorce in less than 20 percent of cases, which would seem to indicate that many wives do give their husband another chance. But statistics don’t tell us everything.  There are plenty of wives who  walk away.  And their are plenty of wives who stay. Many consider a huge variety of factors before making this decision and most of us do not make the decision right away.  We wait and see how our husband is going to act and what efforts he will make to rehabilitate himself and the marriage.

I did stay with my husband, but I made him no promises and it took a very long time for me to commit.  I watched and waited for quite a while.  I gave him no guarantees.  Ultimately, I stayed because I still loved him and I believed that he was remorseful and would not reoffend (since we worked very hard on our marriage. ) I also did not want for my children to grow up in a single parent home.  I wanted to keep my marriage because I believed that, so long as we could revive it, this was going to be the best thing for everyone.  I have never regretted that decision.  But I don’t judge people who made a completely different decision.  Everyone has to decide what is right for them, considering their own circumstances and the past and present behavior of their husband. There’s more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I often hear from faithful spouses who really want for their cheating spouse and the other person involved to have to “pay” for being unfaithful.  They are understandably resentful that they are dealing with all of this anger and pain while it seems that the people who did the actual cheating remain unscathed.

They might say something like, “normally, I am honestly not a vengeful person.  I try to allow things to just roll off of me.  I don’t see any benefit in carrying around a lot of anger.  However, since I found out that my husband was cheating on me, I’m having a MUCH more difficult time with that. I find myself wanting revenge sometimes, actually.  And I really hate that because it just isn’t me.  At first, I really wanted for my husband to hurt in the way that I was hurting. So I would literally go out of my way to say and do mean things to him.  But then I realized that I was hurting myself just as much as I was hurting him, so I decided that I would let the universe take care of this.  I totally believe in karma, at least most of the time.  But as I watch my husband and I keep track of the other woman, neither seem to have suffered any.  My husband and I are trying to save our marriage, mostly because of our children. Right before he cheated, he got a huge promotion at work and it was like he was walking on air and everything that he touched turned to gold.  I know that this is going to sound petty, but part of me wants something bad to happen at work to bring him down a peg or two.  I know that this is kind of silly because his success means more money for our family. But I feel as if his increased social status contributed to his cheating.  Meanwhile, I sort of stalk the other woman on facebook, and her charmed life seems to have gone on flawlessly.   Her husband appears to still adore her and she just went on a wonderful trip where it appears that she had the time of her life.  When does karma kick in?  I want to trust that it is going to.  But it seems that both people who cheated continue to lead charmed lives.”

I believe in karma.  But here is something that I learned about it after my own husband’s affair.  To truly have relief from the belief in karma, you have to believe in it and then truly let it go.  When you are sitting there laying in wait and watching for the karma to take hold, this is not all that different from you trying to hurt your husband yourself.  Why? Because you’re still actively involved.  You are watching and waiting because you haven’t just placed your trust in the universe and then moved on. You’re not living your life or trying to make things better, since you’re so focused on retribution.

Also, we don’t get a say in how this whole process works.  We don’t know when or how it might happen, and we can’t always trust the things that we see.  Facebook is not a reliable barometer of how someone’s life is going.  People are always going to photoshop the pictures and edit the posts to make it look like they are living wonderful lives when this isn’t always the case.  You can’t possibly know if this woman and her husband fought during her recent trip or went into debt to fund it.  You are only seeing what she wants you to see.  You don’t know if she is in emotional distress within herself or her marriage.

Likewise, you can’t possibly know your husband’s thoughts.  Sure, he may appear to be have it all together and it may look as if he’s killing it at work.  But do you know what he thinks about when he’s alone in the shower?  Or if he has bad dreams?  Or if he is deeply ashamed?  These things could be happening without your knowing it.

I know that it might seem like this is easy for me to say, but based on my own experiences after my own husband’s affair, (which you can read more about here: http://surviving-the-affair.com,) I came to believe that wishing bad karma on someone else potentially reflects bad karma right back to you.  My grandmother used to say that when you wished harm on someone else, you might as well brace yourself because that harm was coming your way as well.  I know that your husband and the other woman potentially deserve the bad karma because of their infidelity.  And I believe that the universe is just.  But I also believe that by focusing on these negative thoughts, you aren’t doing yourself any favors.  When I did this, it just made me feel worse about my life and about my situation.  After many starts and stops, I found that the best revenge on the other woman was to simply maintain my family life and to be happy.  I decided that she would not destroy or take what I had.  I also have come to believe that my husband did suffer, even if he did not always share this or appear to do so.  He had to work very hard to rebuild the trust.  He had to be the bad guy in our marriage for quite some time and he never complained. He made a mistake and he was willing to pay for it, so I decided that I would allow the universe to deal with the rest.  Besides, any misfortune heaped on my husband would ultimately be my own misfortune as well, since our lives are so closely related.  Now that I’ve healed, I honestly don’t want my husband harmed or hurt.  I just want us both to be happy and to move on.  As for the other woman, I have no idea if karma caught up to her.  I decided long ago that the most healthy thing that I could do was to stop obsessing over her.  So yes, I believe that karma does come around, but I also believe that it does so without my needing to think about it.  I worry about my own healing and my own life and I leave the rest alone.

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I sometimes hear from wives who are not as touched by their cheating husband’s tears as he might hope.  On the one hand, it can be extremely jarring to see your grown husband cry.  On the other hand, most wives worry that he is just putting on a show because he has been caught. Some wives say that it’s a pretty pitiful show, with the husband overcome with emotion, but unable to look at or talk to his wife while sobbing.

A wife might explain, “I don’t get my husband’s tears.  He’s like a little boy who has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar and has been spanked.  I am extremely furious at him so I know that he feels my wrath.  I try to put myself in his position and I know that I’d be sweating bullets right now if the roles were reversed. So I don’t envy him at this point.  But every time we try to have a conversation about the affair, he starts sobbing.  He can’t even get out the words.  He just cries and shakes.  I will ask him what is wrong and he will just shake his head.  I will ask him if he has anything that he wants to say and he’ll just shake his head and not even meet my eyes.  Is he embarrassed to be crying? Is he putting on an act?  Is he angry at me so that he doesn’t want to look at me?  What is his motivations for turning on the faucets?  Why is he crying, but not talking or looking at me?”

This is only speculation on my part, but I believe that a good deal of it is tied up in guilt and shame.  I think it probably hurts a man’s pride quite a bit to cry and to carry on repeatedly.  Many wives think that their husbands are faking, but I think that being overcome with emotion for every conversation would require a man to be a very good actor AND to be willing to humble himself repeatedly.  Not every man is going to meet this criteria.  Perhaps I am naive, but I believe that many people (men and women included) who are caught in an affair are genuine when they cry.  I’ve heard from many cheating spouses in this scenario and none of them have admitted to fake crying.  Instead, they admit to legitimately crying all of the time.  They are overcome with emotion.  Plus they are usually very ashamed.

I have never cheated, but I could only compare it to the time when I was in a hurry and I accidentally locked my dog in the car with the keys inside.  I noticed what had happened right away and I immediately called for assistance.  A locksmith had to come and use tools to get the dog out. But before the locksmith arrived, he was frantically scratching at the door and looking at me confused as to why I wasn’t helping him.  He started to pant, pace, and panic.  By the time the dog got out, he was hyperventilating and I feared that this was going to hurt him.  Even though and he was ultimately safe and fine, I cried about this incident for days afterward, even though my tears meant nothing.  I was so angry at myself because I got distracted and put my dog (who at the time was like my child) in danger.  I kept thinking about the worst case scenario and it was weeks before I wasn’t thinking about it constantly.  And yes, every time I looked at my dog, I felt guilt, shame, and pain that brought me to tears.  This went on for some time.  Luckily, the dog had many more happy years with me and I spoiled him rotten.  So, as time went on and I didn’t repeat my carelessness, I thought about it less and less.

I can only speculate, but I’d think that being the guilty party in a betrayal as serious as an affair is an extremely heavy burden to bear. To see someone that you love hurt so deeply has to almost rip your heart out.  After the car locking incident, every time I saw my dog, I got a mental image of him panting in that hot car.  And even the sight of him would start me balling again.  I’d think about how I’d have felt if my carelessness had truly harmed him.  I’m sure your husband is feeling something similar.  He sees you and the very sight of you makes him face the seriousness of what he did and what he has put at risk.  It is painful to face up to this.  In my case, I didn’t mean to hurt my dog.  I was hurried and this made me careless.  That’s why your husband’s pain has got to be much worse than mine – he knows that he made a decision that could have went either way and he chose the decision that hurts the people that he loves.  And now he has to attempt to look those people in the eye and he can’t.  He’s ashamed.  And embarrassed.  And probably horrified at what he has done.   I can’t claim that there are no men who don’t put on an act when they cry.  But try to imagine if the roles were reversed and you had to face your hurting husband.  Would you cry? I know that I would. I’d cry repeatedly and uncontrollably – if my dog story is any indication.  And I might initially have a hard time looking at my husband because doing so would mean that I’d have to see his pain, which would in turn be incredibly painful for me.  It’s almost like it’s so bad that you have to look away, but that is because you are sorry and not because you are not sincere.

You spouse might be crying, at least in part, because he fears that he’s ruined your chance at a happy, and lasting, marriage.  This is common at first.  It can feel as if things will never be the same again.  But in time, they can be.  It just takes a lot of work. You can read more about the work we did and about our recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from couples who are dealing with remaining suspicions about an affair.  Sometimes I hear from husbands who are having a hard time convincing their wives that the affair is over.  From them, I often hear comments like: “I swear the affair is over.  But no matter what I do or say, my wife thinks I’m lying to her. She seems to think that I’m only claiming the affair is over so that she’ll trust me again and let down her guard so I can continue cheating.  This isn’t at all true.  I ended the affair and I haven’t called, texted, or interacted with the other woman.  This doesn’t seem to be enough.  How can I convince her that the affair is over?”

Of course, there are two sides to every story.  If you were to hear from the wife in this scenario, you might hear something like: “my husband swears that the affair is over, but he also swore that he wasn’t cheating in the first place and obviously he was.  So he has already proven himself to be a liar and I can’t trust him.  He is distant and isn’t always home when he says he’s going to be.  So he can talk and make all the claims he wants, but I don’t believe him when he says the affair is over.”

Both people in the above scenario likely really believed in their own point of view.  And frankly, there was no way to know if the husband had truly ended the affair without knowing more about the situation.  However, there were some things that he could try to do in order to show his sincerity and truthfulness.  I will discuss these things below.

Everything That Comes Out Of A Husband’s Mouth After An Affair Must Be Truthful: You must know that wives are hyper alert after their husband has an affair.  They are scrutinizing every claim, every demonstration of behavior, and even your body language.  It’s absolutely normal for them to question or doubt the things you say because you have been caught in a huge and hurtful lie.

That’s why it’s vital that everything you say, everything you claim, and every comment you make is truthful.  And this is not limited to topics that have to do with the other woman or the affair.  This includes everything that comes out of your mouth during every conversation.  I sometimes have husbands complain that their wife is always looking to catch them in a lie.  One husband said he accidentally mentioned having lunch with a coworker at one restaurant when he had actually gone somewhere else.  The wife immediately zeroed in on this and wanted to know why he offered up the wrong restaurant.  The husband said he simply misspoke, but the wife was uneasy about this little white lie.

This is not uncommon.  Because when a wife catches you in little white lies, she then wonders if you’re not telling little white lies to cover up a much bigger lie – like an affair.  That’s why you must be completely honest about everything from the weather, to lunch, to any interactions with the other person.   You don’t want to give your wife any reason whatsoever to doubt you.  If you need to think before you speak, do so because even little white lies erode the trust even further.

Make Sure That You Are Being An Affectionate, Accommodating, Attentive Husband: When your wife notices you acting cold, off, or weird, her suspicions can be raised.  She’ll wonder why you are distancing yourself from her.  And she might begin to theorize that your coldness or lack of interest is because you are still interested in someone else or are juggling two relationships.   Being affectionate, attentive, and accommodating to your wife will go a long way toward restoring the trust.  If you are showing your wife that she is your priority, she will have less reasons to question you.

Also, it’s important that you try to accommodate any request that she might have to help her heal.  If she wants to seek counseling, you should willingly go.  You should make every effort to provide her with what she needs.  If she sees that you’re spending a lot of time making an effort to make this right, she will have less incentive to wonder where you are spending your time.  Be willing to offer up proof in the form of emails and phone records if this will make your wife feel better.

Do Not Allow For Any Contact With The Other Woman: Many men in this situation admit to me that the other woman is trying to call or see them.  Of course, they don’t tell their wives about this and then they wonder why their wife is getting suspicious of their behavior.  You need to make absolutely sure the other woman doesn’t have inappropriate access to you.  Change your cell phone number if you need to or make it clear that you will not answer or return calls and texts.  Make sure that the other woman knows that it is really and truly over.  Because needless to say if your wife finds out about any sort of contact, this is only going to reinforce her suspicions.

Give Her Time: Sometimes, you can do everything that I have described above and your wife still will suspect that the affair isn’t over.  In this case, keep being reassuring, accountable, and affectionate and give her some time.  Often, once she sees that you aren’t going anywhere and are willing to hang in there and be patient with her, she will begin to believe more of what you say.  After several months, may wives will look around and still see a husband who is present, attentive, and trying very hard to save the marriage.  I can speak from experience when I say it’s usually at this point that you tell yourself that this man must really want to be married to you in order to still be standing in front of you after all of the turmoil and pain.    And often, wives need to literally see that as time goes by, you’re still there with her and, exactly as you promised, you didn’t have anything else to do with the other woman.

It took a while for me to trust my husband and to believe that the affair was really over.  But over time, I saw that he meant every word he said and that he had the determination and integrity to hang around even when I didn’t make it very easy for him to do so.  Today, I trust him completely and our marriage is very solid.  If it helps you can read that very emotional story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Most of the people who ask me questions about affairs are women.  They are typically the faithful wife who is trying to determine what their husband might be thinking or what his motivations might be. They often have questions about whether their husband will pick up the affair again or what his feelings are at some point from detection of the affair to recovery from it. Understandably, they often feel that they can’t necessarily trust their husband’s reactions or claims, since he’s been lying while having the affair.  Many are not sure that he is being genuine when confronted or caught.

Someone might say, “I caught my husband cheating.  Actually his sister told me about it.  Otherwise, I would not have known.  My sister-in-law and myself are practically best friends and she could not stand for me to be in the dark about something so important. I actually tried to confront my husband and he denied it.  But then my sister-in-law knew the restaurant where my husband was meeting the other woman and we actually were sitting at the booth behind them.  I stood up so that I could look my husband in the eye and he became flustered and left the restaurant in a hurry.  He actually just left the other woman sitting there.  I could not bring myself to say anything to her, but my sister-in-law basically told her that I was the wife of the man she was just with. Then she ran out of the restaurant too.  This was only yesterday and last night my husband stayed with his mother.  He left my sister-in-law an angry voice mail saying that he was going to break off the affair that night and that she had made things worse by having me at the restaurant.  He sounded more angry than afraid.  He texted me and said that we will talk in a few days when things calm down.  I am actually not in any hurry to talk to him. But I am wondering how he is actually feeling.  I saw shock and a bit of panic in his face, but his voice mail to his sister was angry. How do most men feel when their wife finds out about the affair?”

It really does depend on the man and the situation.  Most husbands ARE a bit panicked. Especially if the reveal of the affair comes at a time when they couldn’t control it.  They are often juggling several balls in the air and very much hoping that they don’t drop one. When they are caught, suddenly all of this ends in disaster.  I have had a couple of men tell me that getting caught was a relief because it was very stressful to be carrying on with the facade.  But this relief can be  short lived when he sees how much his actions have hurt and angered his wife and his family.  While the affair is going on and his wife is unaware, he isn’t having to deal with her pain and anger.  Suddenly, when she finds out, now there is a new stressor into the mix.  This is often a very painful time for everyone.

Add that to the fact that his reaction and panic is often a shock to the other woman, who then becomes very angry at him also.  He sometimes finds himself in a situation where no one is happy with him and he realizes that he has hurt many people and has put his family in jeopardy. Many wives assume that their husbands are faking the guilt and the hatred toward himself.  But for many husbands, these feelings are real.  Imagine how you would feel if you had a guilty, shameful secret that you knew would shatter your husband and devastate your family. Imagine that the secret is horrifically embarrassing.  Then imagine your husband finding out and having to face him.  Most people would be angry with themselves when their their own actions brought about this turn of events.

Sure, some husbands will try to posture and will come up with all sorts of reasons why they were justified in their cheating.  Some will blame their wife or their marriage.  Some will ty to make the affair relationship seem special.  But deep down, they likely know that no one forced them to have an affair.  Deep down, they likely know that they could have sought counseling or had a frank conversation with their wife before they betrayed her in this way.

Again, it really does depend on the personality of the husband and any words that were exchanged when he was caught. Some husbands will appear to be angry at their wives when they’re really embarrassed or angry at themselves.  I’ve never heard anyone truly say that they were proud of their behavior when having an affair. Almost everyone is ashamed, whether they admit to it or not.  It’s like being caught doing an embarrassing act that you know is wrong and you know will hurt others. Your face feels warm with shame and you want to go hide in a corner, blink your eyes, and have this never to have happened.  But you can’t take it back and you have no choice but to face it.  For many people, it is one of the lowest points in their life.  It feels so shameful, not just because of the betrayal, but because they’ve hurt someone with whom they were building a home and family with and now they have to work with and face that wounded person if they want to make it right again and have peace when they look in the mirror.

My husband’s reaction after being caught was complete and utter panic.  It was as if a car accident or earth quake had just happened at his feet.   This is pretty comical, really, when you consider that HE was the one who caused the earthquake.  His behavior is common, but there can be many variations on this.  Everyone is different.  Often, you will get different and varying behavior throughout the fall out and recovery.  How he acts at discovery may be different than how he acts two weeks down the road and vice verse.  It is the total of his behaviors over time that matters.  You can read more about my own discovery and subsequent recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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It’s very easy to be discouraged after your marriage has been crippled by an affair.  This can be true regardless of whether you are the faithful spouse or the cheating spouse.  No matter what side you are on, it can feel as if your life has dramatically changed.  It can feel as if it will never get any better.  And always looking at the negative side of life can become depressing.  But it can also be challenging to see any other side.

For example, from the cheating spouse, you might hear something like, “I am very depressed, but I know that I deserve whatever happens.  I cheated on my wife, only once, and I could not be more sorry.  I have repeatedly begged for her mercy, but she is furious with me.  We have been trying counseling, but she is still so angry.  I can’t blame her, either.  I would be mad at her if she cheated on me.  I’m angry at myself.  But I can’t make it better and our home life is suffering.  Our kids know that something is wrong.  Last night, I was randomly scrolling through my phone and I was looking at pictures from six months ago.  My family was happy.  That was before anyone knew how much I was going to ruin things. I don’t feel like we will ever be happy like that again.  The counselor tells me to find little ways to lighten the load in my home, but it feels pointless.  There is now a black cloud over everything.  I want to be more positive because I hate feeling this way, but I’m not sure how I could so when this is all my fault.”

You might hear a similar theme from the faithful spouse, who says something like, “My spouse says he is sorry for cheating and he does go to counseling every week.  But it is as if he feels like someone should be able to wave a magic wand and put our marriage and home back together.  I wish it worked that way, but it doesn’t.  My husband is always complaining that he hates that the kids have to live this way – because now there is anger in our home.  Things aren’t the same.  I hate it, too.  I wish that I could smile and laugh again.  But I’m very angry. I can’t help it.  I trusted my husband and he betrayed me in the worst way possible.  He lied through his teeth.  And now that he has been caught, he wants to pretend that everything is fine.  Our counselor and our pastor are suggesting that we try very hard to have a more positive outlook moving forward.  No one believes that I would actually love to do this, but I would.  Does everyone think that I like being angry and hurt all of the time?  I don’t.  But I don’t know how to make the feelings stop.  How are you supposed to be more positive after an affair?”

I agree that this is very challenging.  I will share some things that helped me a little. And to be clear, I was trying to be positive for myself and my children initially.  I did not feel that my husband deserved my positivity at the time, although he earned it back.  It helped me to write in a gratitude journal with five things to be grateful for each night. I started out with five things, but found that if I really tried and concentrated, I could usually come up with a lot more.  I still remember common themes that I had almost every night.  They were things like:

I am alive;

my children are alive;

my children and myself are healthy;

I am able-bodied and intelligent and can start over if I have to;

my spouse and I both love our children and will do whatever is needed for their well-being;

my dogs love me;

my extended family supports me;

both my spouse and myself are still present, so we might eventually have a chance even if we are struggling right now;

we have a roof over our heads;

we have enough food to eat;

I have loving friends who will hold me up.

I could go on and on.  But at the end of the day, tracking things to be grateful for helped me see that the affair was one tiny slice of my life.  Yes, it made everything else feel tainted, so I had to train myself to be protective of other areas of my life, which I did not want to taint.  I told my friends that affair talk was off limits.  And I eventually agreed with my husband that we’d try to talk about the affair at counseling and a couple of scheduled times per week, but other than that, I was going to try very hard not to ruminate on it.  Because I felt that if I didn’t make this conscious decision, I was going to spend every waking moment thinking about the affair and I didn’t need or want that.  It just made me miserable to spend so much time on it.

The truth is, whether you ruminate on the affair or not, things are going to change with time.  Your perspective is going to shift in time.  Your marriage will survive or it will not, but ruminating on it and allowing it to pollute what is good in your life is not going to change the outcome – but it might make you feel a whole lot worse about everything else, even the good.  Being positive in the midst of an affair is very hard work.  It takes your being conscious of your thoughts and decisions multiple times per day and then redirecting yourself.  But it can be worth the effort because swimming in negativity 24/7 is painful and debilitating.  You deserve better. And with effort, it can become a habit to redirect yourself to positive thinking.

Believe me, I swam in a pool of negativity early on.  But it was very uncomfortable.  It was very hard to hold that weight up all day, everyday.  So I did decide to drop it.  At first, it felt silly to keep the gratitude journal and to try to find the good in every day.  But you know what?  It eventually became a habit and as I tried to see the good in my husband’s efforts, life felt so much better for both of us.  We couldn’t change the affair, but it was obvious that he was trying and that we both adored our kids.  That was enough to make me want to try to save our marriage.  And it worked.  There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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I hear from a good deal of faithful wives who are incredibly frustrated that their husband can’t see the other woman accurately.  To the wife and to many others, it can be painfully obvious who the other woman is and what she is after.  But to the husband, it is apparently almost impossible to see.  The wife can wonder why this happens and what she can do to overcome it

She might say, “It is so obvious to me and to almost everyone who knows my husband that the person with whom he has been having an affair is a complete and total gold digger. He met her at a diner that he goes to with clients.  She is a waitress.  She has nothing and offers no accomplishments to speak of.  I’m not even sure if she finished high school.  However, she is pretty. And she is gullible.  And that’s apparently all that is required right now.  I honestly think that if my husband was not successful and could not advance her financially, then she would not have anything to do with him.  In fact, I’ve heard that she has a history of cheating with married men and then she will dump them as soon as someone with more money or prestige comes along.  I fully believe that she is looking for the richest man that she can find who she can get to leave his wife and marry her.  She definitely wants to get married so that she doesn’t have to work anymore.  I hope that my husband wouldn’t be this stupid.  And he claims to want to save our marriage, but he also admits that he’s having a hard time letting her go.  This is so frustrating to me because the last thing that I want is to have this low class loser as the stepmother to my children.  But my husband honestly does not find fault with her.  He says that it is elite thinking for me to believe that I am better than her just because I have an education and she doesn’t.  He said that not everyone is fortunate enough to have those opportunities and that I should not be so judgmental. Of course, this totally ignores the fact that her lack of education has nothing to do with the fact that she goes from one married man to another.  I have actually considered a couple of plans to show my husband who he is dealing with.  I’ve considered offering her a large amount of money to leave my husband alone.  I know that she would take it because she’s all about the money.  I’ve also considered having a close male friend of mine pose as a wealthy customer to show my husband how quickly she will turn her head when a better offer comes along. How else will I get him to see who she really is?”

I completely understand what you are trying to do.  It’s very frustrating when something seems so obvious, but your husband does not seem to understand it.  However, I’d venture to say that deep down, he does understand, but he does not want to face facts.  He has eyes and ears and he’s probably heard the same things that you have about the other woman having multiple affairs with successful men.  So deep down, he probably already knows her history.  However, he ignores this because it’s just human nature to want to hope for the best.  We all hope that we are in some way special enough so that things will be different or unique for us.

Here’s another important thing to consider.  Men who have affairs are vulnerable men.  We all know the stereotype of the older, successful married men who falls prey to the gold digging, younger woman.  Nearly everyone in society is aware of this stereotype and yet, the successful married men (who are very smart) go forward anyway.  Why?  Because they don’t want to see themselves as the pathetic older man who is trying to hold onto his youth and vitality by having a silly affair.  They want to see themselves as a powerful force to be reckoned with. They are unsure of themselves and are therefore trying to create an image or to feel some relief from their self doubt, which is why they have the affair in the first place.

Seeing themselves as a vulnerable older man would run counter to this image.  It would force them to see themselves in a way that they are already trying so desperately to avoid.

Believe it or not, I don’t know of any situation like the one that you are describing (where you try to “catch” the other woman’s insincerity) as turning out well. Often, even if you catch her red handed, the husband will be mad at YOU, and not at her.  Why? Because your catching her makes him look like a fool and makes him face the image of himself that he does not want to see.  So he may reject you and not her, just to save face.

I know that this is difficult, but you are better off letting him find this out for himself, as painful as it might be when he does.  If the other woman is as shallow as you say, then really, it is only a matter of time.  And when it happens, he has no reason to be angry at you because you did nothing wrong, other than just watched and waited.

To answer the original question, cheating husbands don’t see the other woman for who they are because they do not want to.  They are so desperately trying to feel better about themselves and trying to craft a desirable image.  Facing the fact that the other woman is only interested because she is an opportunist is facing the pain and vulnerability that they are trying to escape from. Eventually, most men will try to avoid being made a fool of.  The other woman will often also make a mistake or will dump the husband for a better option.  And when this happens, you are in a better position because you did nothing wrong.

I know that it’s tempting to try to expose her true colors, but it is better to allow your husband to face the stark, cold facts on his own.  This might mean that you have to wait, but moving now might mean that he resents you anyway.  You are better off biding your time and knowing that the inevitable will come.  You can read about my recovery after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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