Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

I sometimes hear from women who are reeling from their spouse’s affair, but who are not alone. Many know other wives, friends, or family members who are also going through this.  Another generation ago, it might be rare to hear about infidelity, but today, it seems that we all know several folks who have dealt with it.  Frankly, it is not at all rare.  It sometimes seems that it is more rare to know someone who hasn’t gone through infidelity than someone who has.  That is why it can start to feel as if infidelity is on the rise or at epidemic levels.  Someone might say, “I feel horrible that my husband cheated on me, but when I confide to friends about it, their response is that this is just all par for the course.  Most of them have dealt with this themselves. I guess that it is now socially acceptable to cheat and I think that this is awful.  It’s not as if I want to go back to the old days or something, but I feel that our society is deteriorating.  Is it just my imagination, or is literally almost everyone cheating?  Are we as a society going through an infidelity epidemic?”

Statistics vary, but if you look, you’ll see figures that say that anywhere from 40 to 70 percent of married men will have at least one affair in their lifetime.  The numbers certainly were not this high several decades ago.  The reason for the increases are debatable, but experts have noted some disturbing trends.

Some Reasons That Infidelity Is On The Rise: Experts say that today, we expect much more out of our partners.  Our society in general has a “more is better” mentality.  It is why we supersize our food and want unlimited data on our phone and cable plans. Today, we expect our partner to be our best friend, soul mate, support system, and sexual powerhouse. If our spouse disappoints us on any of these fronts, it is almost socially acceptable to get our needs met elsewhere.  Celebrities, politicians, and people who we are supposed to admire make headlines for cheating.   Ours has become a throw away society.  If something no longer works as it should, it’s acceptable to replace it with something new or better.

Another problem that experts warn about is pornography.  Because of our smart phones and tablets, pornography is more readily available and it gives people an unrealistic notion of what a healthy sex life should look like.  Therefore, people can begin to think that they are sexually bored at home and they find this to be unacceptable.   Ironically, studies show that watching porn actually makes people LESS SATISFIED with their sex lives, so it is a vicious cycle.  The spouse watches porn as a replacement for sex and then once he gets the real sex, he is less satisfied with it.

All of these factors have sort of set up a perfect storm for infidelity.  Our society has conditioned us to expect instant gratification and we don’t have the attention spans to hang in there when things get tough.  Our throw away society encourages us to just toss away what doesn’t work instead.  Because of this, infidelity is most definitely on the rise, but I’m not sure I’d call it an epidemic quite yet.

Sure, it can feel like everyone is cheating, but even the highest statistics negate this.  Even if you took the highest statistic that you could find (70% of married men) that isn’t every married man.  There are still 30 percent who do not cheat (and this statistic of 70% seems very high to me.)  The faithful marriages that I see include two people who are extremely committed to one another and who have developed very strong communication skills. They actually TALK to their spouse when issues come up rather than having their needs met elsewhere.   They don’t put themselves in risky situations because they have committed not to jeopardize their marriages.  Society does not make life easy for them, but they see their marriages as more important than following societal norms.  They worry about one another and their family – and not what everyone else thinks of them.  They develop a “we” vs “everyone else” mentality.  And yes, they are out there.  There are plenty of them.

So yes, infidelity is on the rise, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to accept it in your own marriage.  You do not have to do what everyone else is doing.  Ask yourself what is important to you and to your spouse – no matter what society thinks.  There are still couples who think that fidelity and commitment is more important than instant gratification with someone else.  Those people aren’t necessarily celebrated in society, but who cares? I’d rather be happy and secure in my marriage than to be like everyone else.  Because statistically speaking, affairs do not make people happy.  The overwhelming majority of people regret having an affair.  Many regret breaking up their marriages.  Most people do realize that ultimately, an affair hurts everyone, even if technically, everyone is not having one.

I know that it feels as if everyone is cheating.  But try not to worry about everyone else right now.  Just worry about yourself.  In my experience, it helps to gather those people who are most important to you and forget about the rest of the life for awhile.  It will be there when you get back.  In my experience, it is possible to recover from an affair, but it’s equally as important to safeguard your marriage afterward so that you never have to do this again.  There’s more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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I sometimes hear from people who knew that it was right to end the affair that they were having.  Most will announce that they are ending things and then they will cut off all contact.  This just seems to be the best way to go about it because it leaves no room for confusion and it minimizes that temptation to go back on the decision. However, abruptly cutting off the affair and then having no contact later means that you can’t know how the other person is doing and what they are feeling.  This can sometimes be painful.

As an example, someone might have a conversation like this one, “after a four month relationship, I decided to break the affair off.  It broke my heart to do so, actually.  The other man was married and had small children.  He did not lie to me and tell me that we’d be together one day.  He never made that claim.  But I started to hope for it.  And I knew that I would have a hard time living with myself if I tried to separate a man from his family.  I’m not making the assumption that he would have left them for me, but I wanted to end things before it even got to that point.  I like to think that we had a pretty good relationship.  He always said that I made him laugh and that being with me made him forget his problems.  He said that I was great stress reduction.  When I broke it off, he tried to talk me out of it.  So I wonder how he is feeling now, but I promised myself and him that I would not contact him.  I am going to stick to that, but how do most married men feel when the other woman breaks it off?”

Some of them are disappointed.  It’s like any other relationship that ends.  It can sting, especially at first.  But, statistics show us that over fifty percent of marriages that deal with an affair survive.  I do not know if the man is going to tell his wife about an affair and pursue counseling, but statistics show that couples who are open and talk about the affair have around an 85 percent success rate of staying together.  (Of course, it’s not always easy to be so open about this for a sustained period of time.)  My point with all of the statistics is this: the chances are good that the other man will maintain his marriage and his family.  In fact, if you hadn’t broken it off, statistics show that it would have eventually ended anyway.  I know that relationships are more than just numbers, but statistics show that most affairs don’t even last for a month.  And very few last for more than a couple of years.  Even fewer become permanent.  I’m not saying this to hurt your feelings.  And I commend you for doing the right thing.  What I am saying is that the outcome of the affair was probably going to be the same whether you broke it off or not.  The husband might be sad or upset that you were the one who ended it.  But if he goes to counseling (and hopefully he will) then it will likely become obvious to him that affairs so rarely work and are almost never healthy.

So while he may initially feel negative feelings as he processes what is happening and attempts to pick up the pieces of his life, he may eventually come to appreciate what you did and be relieved that more damage wasn’t done by just prolonging the inevitable.  There can certainly be some ego and hurt feelings involved when you feel that you didn’t have a choice in the relationship ending, but once that passes, most people realize that it wasn’t healthy and needed to end.

How long it takes this hindsight to set in depends on many things, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard a man who had an affair comment five years later and say, “man, ending that affair was the worst decision.  I really wish that I had continued on and kept risking my family. I wish that I had kept being dishonest and kept doing what we both knew was wrong.”  Instead, most people will tell you that at the time, they were caught up in the affair and couldn’t see how wrong they were.  Once they have the time and distance to wake up, they realize that they made a huge mistake and they often see that they are better off out of it.

I suspect that you already know this because you made the choice to end the affair before any more damage could be done.  You probably realized that you deserved more than being someone’s secret.  The other man’s family deserved more also.  The husband may or may not feel sorrow.  We can’t really know.  But statistics tell us that, if he’s like the majority of people, he will save his family and stay with his marriage.  If he gets counseling or works with his spouse, he is more likely to be happy with his marriage.  People DO recover from affairs every day (you can read about my recovery here: http://surviving-the-affair.com.)   I know that you’re worried that breaking it off is going to be detrimental for him, but the statistics just don’t bear this out.  So I think that you can feel good that you were the one who took the initiative and did the right thing.

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by katie lersch:  I often hear from wives who are struggling with many issues after their husband’s affair.  One very common issue is that of respect.  Since husbands lie and cheat while they are unfaithful, it can be hard to respect someone who has shown these attributes.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I’m finding it very hard to respect my husband after he cheated and had an affair.  I now know that he lied to me for a good four months.  There were times when he told me he was working and couldn’t make my children’s events when in fact he was with her.  The other day, I actually heard him scolding my son for stretching the truth and it made me so angry.  Who is he to lecture someone else about honesty when he lied to his family for months?  Every time I look at him, I can’t help thinking that he’s a liar and a cheat.   I want to hold my family together for the sake of my son.  But how can I do that when I don’t trust or respect my husband?  And respect is a very important attribute to me.  I was always so proud that my husband was a man of integrity and honor, but now that image of him is destroyed.  How can I ever respect him again when he’s lied to me and cheated on me?”

This is a difficult but common situation.  After all, the personality traits that come out when people cheat or have affairs (dishonesty, secrecy, and betrayal) aren’t attributes that we associate with respect.  And once we lose respect for our spouse, we can begin to wonder if it’s even possible to get it back.   It’s my belief that in some cases, you can restore the respect after infidelity (if you both have the determination and the patience to do so) but it certainly isn’t always easy.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

What Really Inspires Respect And What is Lost After Infidelity?: Respect is something that is generally earned over a period of time.  I don’t think that it’s possible to respect someone without knowing them very intimately.   Generally, we respect someone when we recognize the qualities and attributes that we ourselves admire.  For example, if we value integrity, discipline, and empathy, then we will respect someone who we believe consistently displays these qualities.

In this example, the wife shared that she had always seen her husband as a man of integrity.  She had watched him be honest at great personal and professional cost because he believed that this was the right thing to do.  So, it was quite shocking and disappointing to her now when she witnessed him not only being dishonest, but being dishonest to her. The thought of him sneaking around while she thought he was somewhere else repulsed her and she wasn’t sure if she would ever see him in the same way again, or even if she wanted to.

How Is It Possible To Restore The Respect After Your Spouse Has An Affair? From my own experience, I believe that it’s possible to restore the respect, but I would never tell you that it’s easy.  The key is to be open to allowing your spouse to earn that respect over a long period of time.  It’s not realistic to think that you can just immediately decide to respect someone who has let you down.  But, it can be realistic to think that you will be open to watching and observing them for a good while to see if they can earn it back.

And here’s another thing to consider that is often missed.  Very often, there are multiple reasons that we respect our spouse. Yes, honesty and integrity are huge issues.  But, often we fail to see the things that are still there because of our own anger and resentment (which is understandable.)  For example, the wife in this situation admitted that she had always respected her husband’s generosity and empathy.  He was very active in their community and gave generously of his time and his money to those in need.  The wife loved that about him.  And, she was eventually able to see that he never lost these attributes.  He still was very giving of himself even after the infidelity and during the fall out that ensued. She also was very attracted to his intellect, discipline, and determination – which were all things that he was showing her while he was trying to save his marriage.

So while she had to admit there were areas where he did not have her respect (like honesty and integrity) there were other attributes that she still admired and respected.  This gave her encouragement that, at some time in the future, he might be able to regain her respect.

Granted, there was a long road ahead.  Over time, he had to show his wife that it was safe for her to trust him because he was honest without fail.  This was just going to take some time.  More than that, she would need to see him continuously showing her that he was a person of high integrity who had no intention of repeating the same mistakes.  This was going to be a gradual process and the husband had to be very careful to never let his wife down or to conduct himself in any way other than completely truthful and honest.

Sometimes, Respecting The Person Is Different Than Respecting The Person’s Actions: As angry as you may be right now, I know that it’s hard to envision that you could ever separate your husband from his actions. But with time, many find that this is possible (as long as their spouse’s actions encourages and are in line with this.)  As hard as it can be to believe, it’s possible to look back on the affair as something that you were both able to overcome (and this can actually inspire respect.)

I know that this may sound odd.  But as I look back on my own process, I can’t help but remember that sometimes my husband hung in there and showed patience and poise that was frankly not in line with the anger and nastiness that I was throwing his way.   I’m not saying that he didn’t deserve this, but during those difficult days, he showed some of the steadiness and calm that I had always really loved about him.  And this was one of the things that made me realize that, although I certainly didn’t respect his recent choices, I did still have at least some respect for the person.

Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, after some struggles, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is in tact. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Sometimes, you intuitively know that if you are trying to recover from an affair, you really need to worry about your own marriage (and yourself) more than anything else.  However, this can be easier said than done.  This is especially true if the other person in the affair ends their marriage.  This leaves the wife wondering if the other woman is going to now try to resume the affair since she is now single.

A wife might say: “I have to admit that I had been feeling the slightest bit hopeful about my marriage.   I felt like my husband and I were making progress.  But then yesterday he told me that the other woman had texted him and announced that she and her husband were getting a divorce.  He claims that they have not been in contact until yesterday.  He also claims that he told her that although he’s sorry to hear that she is getting a divorce, it doesn’t change anything.  He supposedly stressed to her that the affair is still over and that he still wants to work on our marriage.  He swears that this is all true and that he told her not to contact him again.  This all makes me very uneasy.  I feel like she basically called my husband with this announcement because she is hoping that she can get him back.  This makes me feel pressured. I DO feel like we have made progress, but now I feel like we need to make a lot more progress before I can feel confident that he’s not going to go back to her.  I mean, if both of them end up single, what is to keep them from being together?”

I do understand your concern.  In your circumstances, I would also give pause.  I was lucky in that the other woman just went away. In this case, I think you have to focus on a couple of things.  1) Your husband really didn’t have to tell you about the call or about the fact that the other woman was getting a divorce.  Frankly, he had to have known that this was going to upset you, but he came clean about it anyway.  These facts would appear to show some good faith on his part.  Also, 2) when the other woman did try to reach out to your husband, it appears that he rejected her.  Instead of going behind your back and picking up where their affair relationship left off, he instead assured you that he wanted to continue on with trying to salvage your marriage. One could argue that he didn’t have to do this.

Of course, there are certainly cases where a reconciliation attempt with a spouse fails and the cheating spouse ends up picking the affair back up.  This certainly isn’t unheard of.  But I don’t think that it is to your benefit to just assume that this is what is going to happen.  I think that your best play is to not panic and to keep right on doing what you have been.  Because as you have said, you are making progress.  There is no reason to halt or sidetrack this plan when it has been working.  Of course, it makes sense to continue to watch your husband to make sure that he’s not acting any differently.  You might also casually ask him in a week or two if he has heard any more from her.

Don’t allow this to get you off track of the success (and hope) that you were already having.  This may well be her goal.  Don’t let her win.  Who cares what she and her husband have decided?  That is THEIR marriage.  Them not being successful at saving their marriage does not need to have any bearing on you saving yours if that is what you want.  Really, you don’t have all of the details.  Perhaps her husband did not want to work it out.  Perhaps the affair was just a deal breaker for him.  We really don’t know and I don’t think that you should spend your precious time worrying about someone else’s marriage and divorce when there’s your own marriage to worry about.   Your husband has shown good faith and you are making progress.  There is no reason not to be optimistic if you continue on in this way and try to ignore distractions like worrying about what the other woman is doing. I know that it’s difficult and that  you can feel very vulnerable after an affair.  I have been there, too.  But I learned that the best thing that I could do to regain confidence in myself and in my marriage was to focus on fixing what was broken and to restore a sense of intimacy and team work.  This just took time. (There’s more about that here: http://surviving-the-affair.com)

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who wonder if they are ever going to feel truly happy again after their husband cheated or had an affair.  Understandably so, finding out about the affair has been almost life changing and has changed their outlook on life.

Common comments are things like: “will I ever feel happy again after my husband had an affair?  And if so, how?  Because every morning I wake up and feel as if life as I knew it has come to an end.  The marriage that I thought was actually good is a lie.  I doubt my ability to judge people.  I doubt my own attractiveness.  I am scared to be on my own.  I feel awkward and unsure about my husband.  In short, I am miserable and scared.  And I don’t see this ever changing.  Is it possible to feel true happiness again after infidelity?  And if so, what can I do to help myself be happy again?”

I firmly believe (and know from my own experience) that it’s completely possible to feel authentic and unbridled happiness and joy after infidelity.   I won’t tell you it’s a fast process.  I won’t tell you that it’s an easy process.  But I will tell you that it is absolutely possible.  And in the following article, I’ll offer some tips on how to reclaim the happiness that you deserve after your spouse’s infidelity.

Separate Your Personal Identity From Your Spouse’s Actions:  Before you can begin to heal and to reclaim your happiness, you must accept that none of this is your fault.  Your husband made his own decisions and acted as the result of his own free will.  Even if your marriage wasn’t perfect and even if you contributed to this imperfection, you are in no way to blame for someone else’s actions.  You shouldn’t own a responsibility that is not yours to  own.

And along that same line of thinking, you should not judge yourself based on the things that someone else has done.  You are not less or a person because of your spouse’s decisions.  You do not have less value because your spouse chose to be unfaithful.  His cheating says something about him, but it should not say something about you.  Know that you are every bit as attractive, funny, smart, and valuable as you were on the day before you learned of your spouse’s affair.  So, your opinion of yourself should not waiver or be negatively affected by your spouse’s mistake.

Fall Back On Those Things (Outside Of Your Marriage) That Have Always Made You Happy: Stop for a second and think about what has made you happy in the last year.  Not everything should be related to your marriage.  It’s a safe bet that you have a family, friends, and hobbies that do not include your husband or your marriage.  That’s not to say that you can’t or won’t save your marriage.  But in the initial days when you are just beginning to heal or are determining what you want to happen with your marriage, it’s a very good idea to seek happiness outside of your marriage.  There are likely people, places, and things in your life that have brought you joy, happiness, and peace.  Now is the time to draw on those things.  In the days immediately after the affair, you may have to draw on the small joys in life – the sunrise, the fact that you woke up and you still have choices, the sound of birds singing or children laughing.  Whatever it is that brings you joy, find ways to feel more of it and to spend more time doing it.

Many wives will admit that they didn’t cultivate a life outside of their marriage and so they feel particularly lost when their marriage is in question.  If this is the case with you, then now is the time to start finding yourself outside of your marriage.  And this is true even if you want to save your marriage.  I was always clear on the fact that I didn’t want to give up on my marriage, but it was also very clear to me that I had lost some of myself within my marriage.  And frankly, if both you and your husband are happy and whole individuals outside of your marriage, then you will have a stronger marriage as a result.

Know That Whatever Happens, Brighter Days Are Ahead: Some wives admit to me that they are worried that they must save their marriage or walk away from it to truly be happy once again.  It’s my experience and observation that women can return to a happy life  in either situation.   Sometimes, I hear from wives whose marriages were affected by an affair years earlier.  Some have saved their marriages and some have not.  But most tell me that life is back to normal and most feel that things worked out for the best.  Wives who saved their marriages will often say that their marriages have improved.  People who ended their marriages  often feel that it ended up being for the best.  The human spirit has a very unique and fortunate ability to bounce back under challenges, even when the person who owns that spirit has their doubts.

So yes, it is completely possible to be happy again after infidelity.  The keys are understanding that none of this is your fault and that your value and your worth has not changed.  It’s also important to take responsibility for your own recovery and happiness.  Give yourself what you need to heal and don’t apologize or feel selfish about the same.

There was a time that I worried that I would never regain my original happiness after my husband’s affair.  I felt sorry for myself for what seemed like a long time but I realized I had to be at my best for my children and for myself.  Honestly, the affair forced me to make many long overdue changes that actually improved my life.  If it helps, you can read about my entire transformation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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It’s very common to hear from people who are worried that they are not healing from their spouse’s affair as they believe that they are supposed to.  Part of the problem is that people have their own ideas about how they should heal.  But on top of this, others are usually not shy about telling you their own opinions about your healing.  Also, we often compare ourselves to others and wonder if we are measuring up. Finally, we sometimes make assumptions about popular mental health ideas and assume that our recovery should fit into what the experts say.

For example, I’ve had people share that they believe that recovery from an affair should neatly track with the seven stages of grief.  If they feel that they are not on track with each of the seven phases, then they worry that they are not healing correctly.  Someone might say: “I have a friend that I often confide in about my husband’s affair because she went through this also.  She is still married today, which makes me think that her advice is good.  She went to a very good counselor and she will share some helpful things that the counselor told her.  The other day, she told me that before I can heal from the affair, I am going to need to go through the 7 stages of grief.  I really didn’t think too much about this, until I actually looked up and researched the 7 stages of grief. Then I became alarmed because apparently, I’m supposed to feel denial, then pain or guilt, then bargaining, followed by depression and loneliness, before I feel a little hope again so that I can start to rebuild.  You are apparently supposed to experience one step before you can progress to the next step. This is bad news for me because I never really felt denial or guilt.  I have not ‘bargained’ either.   My husband basically told me about the affair and I believed him.  There was no denial.  I knew it was happening and that he was telling me the truth. I also felt no guilt.  I did nothing to justify my husband’s actions.  There’s no bargaining, either because I don’t feel like I should need to make any deals with anyone. I certainly want to feel the ‘hope’ that is described, but I worry that I won’t get there because I haven’t experienced the other ‘phases.’  Must you go through the 7 phases to heal?”

Everyone’s healing is different because everyone’s personality and situation is different.  I am not sure that I went through the 7 phases in a linear fashion, either.  Although I do believe that at some point after the affair, I felt various emotions on that spectrum at various but unpredictable times.  For example, I certainly felt guilt – but it wasn’t because I blamed myself or did anything to contribute to my husband’s decision.  I felt guilty that my kids’ lives could potentially be impacted by the affair.  I did sometimes try to bargain, like when I would say to myself: “Please let my children make it through this and end up with a happy childhood.”  So what you’re feeling or experiencing does not have to track with any stage at all.  And sometimes when it does, it’s not in the way that one would think – as evidenced that some of my emotions were about my kids instead of myself.

I honestly found that it was a mistake to make any assumptions about what I SHOULD be feeling or experiencing and to just allow myself to feel what came up.  I journaled a lot so that I could release the feelings rather than taking them out on other people (especially my children.)  It doesn’t do any good to compare yourself to others or to put yourself on a time table.   I never really felt denial, either.  I’m a pretty stoic realist and I just wanted to accept what had happened and to get on with it.  And yet, I eventually got to the stages of hope and recovery just fine without going through any specific steps or stages.  So I would not worry too much about any of these 7 descriptions.

I think that well meaning people just use the 7 stages or steps to infer that recovery from an affair can be a sort of grieving process.  I DO agree that statement.  You do have to come to terms with the fact that the life that you had before the affair is going to differ with life after the affair – at least for a little while as you are processing and adjusting.  It absolutely is a new reality.  And that can certainly make you grieve the loss of the old reality, especially as you are trying to heal.  However, in time, the new reality can become your new normal after you have recovered.  In my experience, this can happen without needing to follow any preconceived steps.  I certainly advocate having a counselor help you navigate the process, but I don’t feel that you have to go through any formal steps or that you need to stall your progress to ensure these steps.  I consider myself pretty much recovered and healed and I did not follow any formal step process.  I allowed myself the time to feel whatever came and then to deal with it.  We did work with some experts along the way. But ultimately it was out marriage and we ourselves had to do the work to heal it.  You can read more on my blog at  http://surviving-the-affair.com

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It’s not at all unusual to hear people say that a spouse’s affair changed both people in the marriage.  It’s rare for both people not to be deeply affected by the affair.  Sometimes, the cheating partner can become aloof, cold, and insistent that life is too short not to be happy.  Sometimes, the faithful partner is angry, resentful, and reluctant to trust again.  These observations are a bit stereotypical, of course.  Not everyone falls into these categories.  Occasionally, you have the cheating spouse who comes to appreciate his family (and the frailty of life,) or the faithful spouse who sees that things can’t always be taken for granted.  However, friends and family can question these “atypical” reactions, which can cause frustration for all involved.

A faithful wife might say: “I know that it is not unusual to change after your spouse has an affair.  But from the friends and family members that I’ve seen go though this, this change is usually negative.  The faithful wife is often left skeptical and suspicious.  It is hard for her to trust or to feel at ease again.  I can’t deny that I haven’t experienced these feelings, but they are not the feelings that stand out to me.  Instead, what I feel is that life is too short to wallow in this despair.  My husband’s affair actually made me see the danger of becoming complacent.  It is hard to explain.  But when I look back at my marriage before that time, I actually see a woman who wasn’t paying attention.  I took my life and my spouse for granted.  There were warning signs, and I did not see them.  I was sort of sleep walking through my life.  I have no idea if I am going to stay married or not.  But regardless, I have ‘woken up.’  I have started to realize that you are guaranteed nothing in this life and that you’d better get to living and enjoying life while you have the chance.  I have dinner and drinks with a small group of friends on a regular basis.  Many of these friends have dealt with cheating and some of them do not understand my thinking and believe that I am delusional or kidding myself.  They think that I’m trying to put on a happy face for my husband’s sake, but that is not the case at all.  They also think that I’m trying to see the bright side because the truth is just too painful.  Are they right?  I’m not denying that this is going to be harmful to my marriage.  I have not committed to working things out yet.  This is more about me individually.  I’m just realizing that one has to embrace life because you don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  Is that so wrong?”

I certainly don’t think that it is wrong.  I see varying responses in this situation.  And I do not think that any are wrong.  But, if you can make a conscious choice to focus on improvement rather than on despair, why not?  What’s wrong with trying to improve things for the better rather than focusing on the negative and wallowing in self pity?  I had a similar reaction.  I did have plenty of disappointment and anger in my husband, but I also chose to look at myself and to examine my own behaviors.  Because of this, I made several adjustments in my life before I was even sure if I was going to try to save my marriage.  I changed my career outlook and made some tweaks to my health and appearance.  I did not do these things for my husband.  I did them for me.  As you said, you can’t predict where life is going to take you, but you always want to count on the best version of yourself.  If the affair makes you take stock of that so that you can be who you were ultimately meant to be, then in my opinion, this is something to be grateful for.  You can still regret that your husband had an affair while embracing some of the changes that it brought about in you.

It’s my opinion that while the affair is never the faithful spouse’s fault (as it’s a choice by the cheating spouse,) there’s nothing wrong with using it as a starting point for self improvement.  Because uplifting yourself and your experiences is beneficial no matter what inspired you to get there.  I understand that not all wives have this reaction, especially at first.  But I agree with you that there is no sense in continuing to dwell on the negative, especially since you can’t change things.  So you may as well try to mine this experience for the positive things that you can take from it.  If you don’t learn, grow, and change perspectives, how is it working for you and what is the point?  Everyone has their own experience, of course.  And no one is wrong.  But I don’t think that anyone should fault you for allowing this experience to inspire you to take stock and to improve yourself.  This is exactly what I did and I never regretted it.  My improvements did not excuse my husband.  In fact, they were entirely different from the affair, (although the affair inspired them.)  But I don’t apologize that some positive things arose from the affair.  There is enough negativity in the world.  If you can make something positive from something negative, why not do it?  There’s more about this on my blog at  http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are frustrated because they want their husband to sit down, face them, and then attentively listen as they share their feelings about his infidelity, cheating, or affair. They want to release these feelings and they know that he is the most logical person who should listen. They also hope that his understanding of their feelings will help them to heal their marriage and may also help him avoid cheating again.

Unfortunately, husbands don’t always see this issue in the same way. I heard from a wife who said: “I really want my husband to listen to me when I express my feelings about his affair. I have a lot of anger that he is going to need to address. But I have even more pain. And I want him to hear me out so that he will understand just how much this has hurt me. But if I even start to talk about my feelings, he will try to change the subject. Sometimes, if that doesn’t work he will abruptly get up and leave and make a comment like ‘I don’t want to talk about this anymore.’ And he just leaves me sitting there as if I’m the one who has done something wrong. I am so close to leaving him. If he doesn’t respect me enough to listen to my feelings, then I don’t know how I can even stay married to him. How can I get him to listen to me?”

This is such a common concern. Because what wives want more than just about anything after infidelity is to feel heard. They want to know that their husband understands how deeply his infidelity has wounded them and they want to know that because of this understanding, he is more likely to be remorseful and less likely to cheat again. But if he won’t even listen to the message, then this whole process can be much more difficult than it needs to be. In the following article, I’ll try to offer some tips on how to talk about your feelings so that your husband will listen.

Understand How It Sounds To His Ears: Please understand that I am not defending your husband or any man who cheats. However, I do suspect that I know why many men don’t want to listen to your feelings right now. I know this because many of them comment on my blog and offer various reasons why they tune their wives out or refuse to even talk about their infidelity.

First off, think about it this way. Let’s say you make the worst, most shameful mistake imaginable and the thought of your actions brought you a lot of pain and embarrassment. You’d probably want to move on as soon as possible and try not to think about it excessively since every time you did, you’d have to admit your actions to yourself once again and this would bring you fresh pain.

Now imagine that your spouse wanted to bring up your mistake often. And that your spouse wants you to listen as you recount how much your mistake has cost them. Even though you may well know that your spouse was justified in wanting explanations and your undivided attention as they released their feelings, you may not be very enthusiastic about this because rehashing your actions is so painful or embarrassing to you.

I’m sure you see where I’m going here. I am not trying to justify your husband tuning you out. I’m just telling you that often husbands “don’t want to hear it” when you bring up your feelings about their infidelity because hearing about your pain causes them additional pain. And frankly, pain avoidance is a contributing factor to a man cheating in the first place.

Men often tell me that seeing their wife’s pain is the worst fall out that they can imagine. They would rather you scream and yell at them than to see the quiet disappointment in your eyes. And this is sometimes why they want to avoid those serious discussions about your feelings. Does this mean that you shouldn’t push him to listen? Absolutely not. But you can use this knowledge to frame your message so that it is more likely to be heard.

Try To Get Him To Accept A Mediator: Frankly, I know that when I bring up counseling, many husbands are going to tune me out. But if you can get him to go to even one session, then you will likely give him no choice but to listen to what you have to say. (And you will have to do the same for him.) This makes you look less like the bad guy and can make the process a bit easier.

If He Won’t Go To Counseling, Choose Your Words Carefully: Many men are as excited about counseling as they are in listening to your feelings. Sometimes, you have to ease into this so they can see that you’re not out of punish them on a daily basis. So, when you are trying to lead up to this conversation, try to be careful about the words and the tone that you use.

The next time this wife’s husband shut her down or told her that he didn’t want to talk about his infidelity, she might respond with something like: “OK, I get that you don’t want to talk about it right now. Let’s agree on a time where we can talk about it. I’m going to need about twenty minutes of your time. I need to get some things off my chest and I need for you to understand how I feel. It’s not my intention to insult, belittle, or punish you. But I really need to feel heard in order for us to begin to heal our marriage. Not only that, but if you really listen to me, and I feel heard, I won’t have to keep repeating myself and you may feel less attacked as the result. I think if you would agree to hear me out, you might be pleasantly surprised at the results. So, when is good for you?”

I know that you might be thinking this dialog has a lot of restraint, and you’d be right. But sometimes, you have to use restraint if you are going to get him to really listen. And that really is the goal, right? To have him sit down and give you his undivided attention when you have your say? Usually, if you phrase it correctly, he will agree. And when he does, you have to do your part and express your feelings without attacking or insulting him. Because if he feels attacked, he won’t be nearly as willing to listen again. But if it goes well, you will find that he’s not nearly as afraid because the outcome is not only about causing him more pain and shame.

I had a hard time getting my husband to listen to me immediately after his affair.  The process just took time.  But when he began to believe that I wasn’t going to attack him during every conversation, things improved and we eventually saved our marriage.  If it helps, you can read about our recovery process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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There is often an element of “punishment” that comes after the discovery of the affair.  The two people within the marriage can become angry, can withdraw, and can therefore “punish” their partner for different reasons.  For example, the faithful spouse can have understandable anger and resentment toward the cheating spouse and it can come out in all sorts of ways.  The cheating spouse may be trying to do what is right, but is discouraged that no matter what they do, they are going to be met with poor treatment and a withholding of affection.  So, they too react with frustration and anger.  This can feel present itself as “punishment” to the faithful spouse, who feels that they have every right to be angry.

For example, a wife might say: “I am furious with my husband for having an affair and I make absolutely no apologies for that. He lied to me.  He cheated on me.  He lied to the other woman also.  He made her believe that there was a future for them. But when I found out about the affair, he abruptly broke it off with her and never looked back.  I’m not her biggest fan and she knew what she was getting into, but my husband gave her very little respect and consideration at the end.  He handled this whole thing horribly; and frankly, it makes me think much less of him as a person.  So yes, I’m very angry and I am treating him accordingly.  But when he really feels my wrath, he gets angry right back at me and he will say things like, ‘well, if this how I’m going to be treated for the rest of my life, then maybe I should leave and we should split up.’  Or he respond with something like, ‘We are never going to make it if we treat each other this way and are angry all of the time.  Maybe we should just bow out now before we hurt one another even more and just waste our time.’  So when he says things like this, I almost feel as though it is blackmail.  It is just meant to shut me up. I have a right to be angry.  But he knows that I don’t want to divorce.  I feel like he’s going to try and get me to just be quiet and to not express my anger anymore.”

You definitely could be right.  Husbands don’t like thinking that you’re never going to let your anger go and so they will try to do things to get you to tone it down.  It’s just human nature.  You definitely have a right to your anger, but I can share something that might be helpful. I experienced constant anger very similar to yours after my husband’s affair.  And at times, I was downright cruel to my spouse because of this.  I was spiteful, sarcastic, and bitter.  I deliberately tried to hurt him.  It got to where he did not want to even be in the same room as me when I got in one of my mean moods.  As I had committed to trying to save my marriage, this was not constructive.

Understanding The Difference Between Anger And Punishment: A counselor pointed out to me that there is a difference between punishing your spouse with behavior just meant to get a reaction and behavior meant to express your anger about a SPECIFIC thing.  The intention between the two is different and, hopefully, the reaction by the husband will be different also.  The counselor basically asked me to try to take a few seconds before I made my sarcastic or bitter statements to ask myself if I was expressing a specific anger or if I was just trying to make my spouse feel the pain that I was feeling.  That is the big difference.  If you are just trying to spread the pain around, that isn’t constructive and it is just going to prolong the pain on both ends, serving no one.

Make no mistake.  You have every right to ask your spouse details about the affair and then to be angry or frustrated with the responses.  You have every right to express the frustration that you feel about the pain that this has caused.  But in my experience, where you get into trouble is when you are lashing out and then ruminating and punishing.  It can be difficult to tell the difference sometimes, which is why it helps to think about your intentions before you speak, if you can.

Also, it may help to have a frank discussion about this with your spouse.  The next time your husband says that perhaps he should leave, you might reply with something like, “Listen, we are not getting anywhere with this.  I recognize that I sometimes lash out.  I will work on that.  I do need to make you aware of my frustration sometimes, but I will be more aware of when I’m just lashing out.  I will try to do better with that, but you should try to do better about threatening to leave every time I express my anger.  There is going to be some anger and we need to learn how to deal with it effectively instead of letting it make things worse.  Perhaps we should try counseling so that there’s a safe and productive place to deal with our anger.  We can’t keep on trying to hurt or threaten each other in this way.  Can we agree that I will try to not lash out and punish while you will not threaten to leave at the first sign of anger?”

Hopefully, he will agree to this compromise.  If both of you try to pull back a little bit, you should see some improvement.  Counseling can be a good way to handle this because once you know that you have a regular place to release your anger and then get your spouse’s response to it, you are less likely to lash out at home.

I do understand exactly how you feel.  I learned to journal about my anger instead of just letting it run overboard around my family and that helped.  You should always feel free to share what you are feeling with your spouse, anger and all.  But, you don’t want to get into the habit of ALWAYS being angry and bitter because that just prolongs your pain and makes you miserable.  There is a balance and I found that as I started to heal, I just didn’t feel as much anger.  So things naturally improved.  You can read more about that process on my blog at  http://surviving-the-affair.com

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There is a stereotype of the middle aged man in a long term marriage who cheats with a much younger woman.  We’ve all been conditioned to believe that the younger woman wants money and status while the middle aged man wants sex.  This is certainly sometimes the case.  But you can also see young, newly married men cheating with women of the same age or even with older women.  Wives in this situation are often extremely confused.  They believe that they were in the “honeymoon phase” or that their relationship was in the early stages of wedded bliss.  They haven’t aged or gained weight.  Their marriage hasn’t gone through tons of stressors yet, but their young husband has been caught cheating.  Understandably, they can struggle to understand why.

Someone might say: “my husband and I were deeply in love on our wedding day.  I know that this is not just my own imagination.  Everyone could see this. We also dated for years before we got married, so it is not as if my husband did not know what he was getting with me.  Also, I can’t look back and see any snags in our marriage.  We were happy.  We both had jobs.  We didn’t have serious money issues.  Sure, we were just starting out, but we both had hope for the future.  Our sex life was really good.  But 18 months into our marriage, I found out that my husband had an affair with an older woman who was supposed to be mentoring him at work.  When I found out, he told me that it meant nothing.  He swore that he didn’t want a divorce and that he would do whatever he needed to do to make things work with me.  I’m just confused about this.  We are nowhere close to the 7 year itch.  Our marriage was good and we were happy, so I don’t want to let go of my marriage.  At the same time, if this man would cheat on me so early when I am young and beautiful, what does our future hold?  Will he cheat again when the going really gets rough?  And why would he cheat with an aging woman who is not nearly as attractive as I am?  This has hurt me more than I can express.  I don’t want to throw away my marriage, but I am not sure that I can ever recover from this.”

I understand your shock and pain.  Most people assume that infidelity rarely happens in young marriages.  However, the statistics show us something else entirely.  Clinical studies have shown that infidelity is on the rise in couples under 35.  Some experts believe that part of this trend is due to a couple of things that are happening in our society.  First, we have become sort of an “anything goes” society.  We see celebrities, politicians, sports stars, and other public figures cheat on their spouses with very little consequences.  So it can begin to feel as if “everyone is doing it” or that it is a socially acceptable and an almost expected thing to do.  Second, technology has made it so much easier to cheat.  Unfortunately, apps and sites that encourage cheating are just a click away on your smart phone.   Finally, employers expect so much out of their employees these days that many people spend more time with their coworkers than with their spouse.  That may be part of the reason for the rise in workplace affairs.   Also, many young people who cheat will tell you that they suddenly felt the reality of being an adult.  They were suddenly in a position where someone else was depending on them and this caused stress.

I believe that people grossly underestimate the role that stress plays in infidelity.  People often assume that it is all about sex or power.  But often, it is just about wanting to feel a release from stress.  It’s no coincidence that people cheat when they’ve suddenly faced a life struggle – unemployment, aging, the loss of a parent, or have taken on a large responsibility like parenting or marriage.  I do not tell you this to excuse your husband.  He still made a choice.  I mention this to show you that you are by no means alone and that your husband is more a statistic than you might have thought.  People assume that it is rare for young or newly-marriaged people to cheat.  It isn’t.

I believe that healing is always possible.  Regardless of whether your husband is very young or very old, vulnerabilities need to be identified and removed.  Your husband must learn to recognize when he is vulnerable and then learn to remove himself from that situation so that he will not cheat again.  You will both have to work to restore the intimacy and trust.  I can tell you that your marriage can recover, at least that was true in my case.  You can be happy again.  But it is not easy. It hurts for quite a while.  Many people ultimately believe that it is worth the effort, once they are successful.  But others just are not willing to even try to get past the cheating.  Some just feel that it is a deal breaker and it’s better to get out while you can.  Ultimately, you will have to make that decision for yourself.  I have never regretted saving my marriage and my husband never cheated for a second time.  (There’s more about that here: http://surviving-the-affair.com.) But everyone’s situation is different.  If you do decide to save your marriage, I’d strongly recommend counseling or self help. Having professional guidance increases the chances that you will heal and not have to deal with this again.

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