Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from people who are wondering for how long things are going to feel so tense and awful after their spouse has cheated and had an affair.  I often hear from these folks weeks or months after the affair has been discovered and many of them had hoped that things would have improved more than they actually have.  I heard from a wife who said: “I found out about five months ago that my husband had an affair with a coworker.  He did tell me the truth about it and he has worked with me to save our marriage.  We are both trying really hard but things are just so awkward.  He tells me he feels as if he is constantly walking on egg shells around me and I fully admit that I very often feel angry and hurt.  In short, things are just not the same.  They are not even close to the same.  Things feel forced, weird, and just off between us.  How long does it take for your life and your marriage to get back to normal after the affair?  Because I’m getting very tired of waiting.  And if this is the way my marriage is going to be for the rest of my life then I’m not sure if it’s worth it to save my marriage.”

I understood how this wife felt because I have felt the exact same feelings.  After your spouse has an affair, it can feel as if someone as stolen your normal life and replaced it with something that is completely foreign and undesirable.  And when time goes by so slowly with no real improvement, it can begin to feel as if this is how your life, and your marriage, is always going to be.  It’s very easy to make these types of assumptions, but I can tell you that they are often wrong.  It’s my experience that things do get better and that life does eventually return to normal.  How quickly this happens often depends on how hard you are working to heal.  Often, if you don’t fully address and fix the underlying issues, then they will remain.  And when they remain, that’s when the awkward and unnatural feelings continue to hang around.  I will discuss this more below.

The Sooner You Work Through The Issues And Restore The Trust, The Sooner Things Will Feel More Normal:  As I alluded to,  often is a lot of time has passed and things still feel weird between you, then you need to look at your healing process.  You can’t expect for your marriage to heal if you don’t examine where it might have been vulnerable and where you need to now fix it.  And even when this process is complete, you will need to restore the trust until you can both feel at ease once again.  If you try to skip over either of these steps, then you’re bound to have that feeling of unease that we’ve been talking about.  You feel a little out of sorts and paranoid because you’re wondering if he’s going to cheat again.  Or, you find that you’re still angry over little things because you still aren’t satisfied with his answers or you still haven’t fully resolved the issues.

Having these feelings doesn’t mean that things won’t get better or that you won’t even feel normal.  It just means that there is more work to do.  I know that it can be frustrating, but the upside to this is that if you give the issues the attention they deserve and you are then able to restore the trust, your reward is piece of mind.  And believe me when I say that after you have been through something like this, the normal, boring and ordinary days will seem so very precious by comparison.  You will value your marriage and your husband that much more when they are restored.  And also, you aren’t as apt to take your marriage and your family for granted because it becomes obvious that things can change in the blink of an eye.

So to answer the question posed, how long it takes to feel normal again varies depending on many factors.  It really helps if both people are very committed to fully addressing and solving any problems.  And it helps if the cheating spouse is very motivated to take responsibility for restoring the trust.  If these things don’t happen immediately, it certainly doesn’t mean that they will never happen.  It just means that you may have to be more proactive and you may have to ask for what you need.  Because your spouse likely feels that things aren’t right also and, even though he is the reason for the unease, he probably wants to get things back to normal as badly as you do.

I know how frustrated you feel.  I would say that it probably took us around a year to begin to regain what had been lost.  Part of this was I could not let go of my anger.  Once I began to heal, things picked up.  Now, I rarely think about the affair anymore.  I have just moved on and our marriage is actually better.  If it helps, you can read my story of recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Long Does It Take For Your Marriage To Get Back To Normal After An Affair?

It’s interesting to examine cheating confessions.  Not all of them come when a spouse is close to learning the truth or when the cheating spouse is confronted.  Sure, sometimes, the faithful spouse has strong suspicions or knows about the cheating, so the person having an affair will figure that it’s better to confess.  Other times, though, the cheating spouse is actually pretty safe as far as detection goes.  The faithful spouse has no idea about the cheating, and yet, the cheating spouse confesses anyway.  This is either because of guilt or because he thinks that it is the right thing to do.  Many times he has saving his marriage in his own mind.

Often the faithful spouse isn’t sure what to make of these confessions that seem to come out of nowhere.  One isn’t sure if they are a good sign or not.  One wonders what would motivate a spouse to just up and confess.  Someone might say: “I feel very naive about this, but I did not suspect my husband of cheating.  He did not have to confess to me.  I did not have any idea at all. I thought that things were fine between us.  We were having a perfectly acceptable evening and he said that there was something that he had to tell me. Then he just started choking out that he was having an affair.  Eventually, he started crying and stressing how sorry he was.  He never said if it was over.  He just said that he prays that I will give him a chance.  He said that he could not continue to lie to and deceive me.  He said that he was having trouble sleeping and functioning because this was all eating him up inside.  When I told my best friend about this, she said that my husband is likely putting on an act because perhaps the other woman was going to tell me and my husband was trying to get to me first.  She may be right, but part of me thinks that it took some courage for him to confess and that it is a good sign.  Am I just having wishful thinking about this?”

This is only my opinion, but I too believe that for the most part, a confession can be a good sign.  That said, I believe that it is a more positive sign when a cheating spouse confesses well before they have to.  If you’re about to catch them or their affair partner is blackmailing them, well, that confession was a last resort or a preemptive strike.  And to me, that confession does not carry as much weight as the one that came without any threat.

A husband whose conscience and respect for you bothers him so much that not only does he have to end the affair, but he wants to be honest with you about it, is a husband who, at least in my opinion, will be less likely to cheat again.  Why? Because he has already proven that he’s not going to be at peace when he’s cheating on or betraying you.  This doesn’t negate his cheating, but it does show that he cares enough to feel guilty about it if it doesn’t do right by you, which shows the level of investment that he still has.

Of course, none of this is any guarantee.  And his willingness to confess does not mean that there will not be hard work ahead of you. Just because he confessed does not mean that you don’t get to decide what you want to do moving forward.  You may still feel betrayed and may still want reassurances and goodwill gestures from him.  However, I believe that his confession is a good start.  It does show a good faith effort.  It shows that he is bothered by his behavior and ready to take responsibility for it.  These are all promising things that not every wife gets.  Some wives get a husband who not only won’t confess, but who lies about the affair.  Then they get a husband who tries to deflect responsibility or tries to minimize his behavior once he is caught.

A husband who confesses hasn’t denied what is true or shirked his responsibility.  He has admitted his mistake and shown a preparedness to take responsibility for it.  In my own experience, there is a lot of work and additional steps between the discovery of the affair and getting a healthy marriage back and having trust restored.  But you can’t get there until you’ve taken the first step.  Your husband has shown a willingness to do this, which is a good sign.  There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Cheating Spouse Confessions: Is It An Encouraging Sign When Your Spouse Blurts Out The Truth

I often hear from people whose spouse was faithful until there was a significant change in financial status or income.  Sometimes, this is a huge promotion or a significant raise where the spouse has much more money than he’s ever had in his life.  Other times, the infidelity comes after a job loss or demotion.  Whatever the reason, wives often wonder if there is any correlation with the affair and the change in finances.

Someone might say: “honestly, I believed that wealthy men were more likely to cheat.  My family has never been wealthy, but things have never been as bad as they are right now.  My husband lost his job last year.  I started working more hours and he took over care of the household.  Instead of being grateful that I kept us afloat, I found out that while he was supposed to be caring for our kids, he was carrying out an affair.  I am shocked at this.  He’s never been unfaithful before.  My mother thinks that perhaps he felt badly about himself because of the job loss.  Is this possible?  Why would any woman want to cheat with an unemployed man who is home all day?”

Another example is the wife who says: “I am furious that my husband cheated on me.  I have been loyal to him for our whole married lives.  I worked to support him while he went to graduate school.  As he was building his business, I scraped and pinched pennies so that we could make the business a success.  But now that he is successful at this business that I helped him to build, he repays me by cheating with a much younger woman.  Maybe I’m crazy, but now I wish that I hadn’t helped him become so successful.  I honestly feel that if he didn’t have money, the other woman wouldn’t have thrown herself at him.  Am I wrong to think this?  Does success have anything to do with men who cheat?”

Statistics Show That It’s More About Equality Than Money: From my research, it appears that equal status among the spouses has more to do with who cheats and who doesn’t than actual dollars and cents.  In other words, just as we have seen above, the highest risk for cheating spouses is when one spouse makes much less money than the other, especially when the man’s earning capacity is less than the woman’s.  This doesn’t always make sense on the surface because you’d think that a husband in that situation would be on his best behavior.  After all, infidelity could potentially cause a divorce and what happens then?  But as we see with people who cheat when they are aging, people often cheat in order to feel better about themselves.  So a man who has lost his job and who feels that he isn’t contributing financially to his family’s success might be particularly vulnerable to an affair, especially if the other woman focuses on making him feel more worthy.

Likewise, men who earn significantly more than their wife are statistically more likely to cheat.  That may be because, as the wife above said, men who are seen as wealthy are more likely to have opportunities to cheat.  However, both of the above scenarios are why some experts will tell you that it’s really inequality rather than money that changes the dynamic in the marriage.  That said, everyone is different.  There are certainly stay-at-home or unemployed moms and dads who go their whole marriage without even considering cheating.  (I was one of them for many years.)   There are also successful and wealthy men and women who are completely faithful to their spouses despite ample opportunities to cheat.  So while money can play a role, so can anything that places stress on your marriage.  Frankly, money can be one of the biggest stressors to any marriage, so it makes sense that it might also contribute to infidelity.

I know that this can be frustrating and can make you hesitate to celebrate your spouse’s success or to be honest when he struggles financially.  But again, statistics don’t tell the whole story.  Plenty of people in this situation don’t cheat.  And even marriages marred by infidelity can recover and can even become stronger.  If you want to save your marriage, it is possible.

My husband’s affair did come after a promotion that required travel.  I used to blame this situation somewhat.  However, human beings have free will.  So my husband’s situation most certainly did not excuse him.  He made a choice and he had to take responsibility for that, which he did.   Once we healed our marriage, we made a conscious decision as a couple that neither of us would take work that requires long periods of time away from our family.  This has worked well for us, but each couple has to decide what works for them. If you’d like to read more about what that process was like for me, check out my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Infidelity And Income Or Finances. Are The Wealthy Or Poor More Likely To Cheat? What About A Change In Financial Status?

I sometimes hear from women who have been cheating with someone who is married. Some of the time, they truly believed that in due time, the man’s marriage was going to come to a natural and mutual end so that the two of them could be together. They wanted to believe that the marriage had grown stale so that both people would mutually agree to end the marriage. Once this happens, then that would free up the husband to pursue a new relationship.

As we all know, this isn’t usually the way that it happens. Usually, the wife finds out about the affair and the marriage does not just end by both people mutually agreeing to it in a healthy way. The wife is usually hurt and angry and, believe it or not, the husband usually panics and immediately chases after his wife, suddenly afraid that he’s going to lose his family.

Understandably, this can leave the other woman confused. This isn’t how things were presented to her. And where is she in all of this? You can see how she would feel left out in the cold and unsure about how to proceed. She might say: “I feel stupid admitting that I honestly thought I was going to live happily ever after with the man that I was dating. I knew that he was married, but he presented it to me like he was working on untangling himself from that. Still, he was always careful that his wife would not find out. But she did. And I was shocked when he immediately told me that he could not see me anymore and begged me not to make this harder than it already was. I’m very shocked by this. And I feel set aside and hurt. Now this guy and his wife are scrambling to save their family, but what about me? I feel like I need to do something. I feel like I am left out in the cold of all of this. I am tempted to try to contact his wife and plead my case. I want her to know that the husband represented to me that their marriage was over. I want for her to have all of the information so that she doesn’t think that her husband is loyal to her. And I want to see the other man and plead my case also. After all that we have been through, it is annoying that he is just going to walk away. What should I do right now?”

Honestly, I am not sure that you are going to like my answer but it is heartfelt and is what I honestly feel and believe. I will admit that I have been the wife in this situation, but I’ve had friends in your situation and I hear from many on the other side of the equation. I can tell you that statistically, the husband and wife generally end up together. It may take a while. And there can definitely be some uncertainty, but statistics show us that it is MUCH more likely for the husband to go back to his wife than to have a lasting relationship with the other person.  You can check this for yourself, but that is what the statistics show. That is why I do not recommend that you reach out to either of them. It is only going to hurt, annoy, and frustrate everyone involved and the chances are high that it is not going to affect the outcome in the long run. You’ll only be causing pain to yourself, the husband, and the wife.

I know that a big driving force for you right now is that you feel set aside and ignored. One reason for this is that it feels as if your course of action is set by someone else. Since the husband and wife have the marriage, THEY get to decide how things proceed, which can seem very unfair. So how do you get a sense of control back? By bowing out gracefully from this trio and focusing on YOURSELF, your own well being, and your own happiness. Take control back of your own life. Ask yourself why you’d be vulnerable to settling for a man who couldn’t be solely yours. Fix your self esteem and then vow to only give your heart to men that are free to return your love and be yours alone. All women deserve nothing less. I know that this might not be what you wanted to hear, but I believe that it is the healthiest option. It gives you control of your life, it really is the right thing to do for all involved, and it doesn’t force you to go against the odds. Trying to hurt others usually ends up only hurting you. There’s more than enough hurt to go around right now, so you can never go wrong with focusing on your own healing instead.

Believe it or not, I only want the best for all involved.  Statistics show that the odds are very much against a relationship that started as an affair.  Most of the time, it ends with hurt and regret.  The odds are better for the marriage, but even that can be extremely difficult.  You can read more about the road I traveled on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on What Should The Other Woman Do When The Wife Founds Out About The Affair?

It can be very difficult to sort out your feelings about a spouse’s affair during your marriage. However, when you find out that your spouse had an affair during your engagement and you don’t learn the details until after you are married, well, things are doubly tricky.  Because if your spouse had been honest and told you about the cheating when it had happened, you would then be in a position to call off the wedding.  As it stands now, you’re already married because you didn’t know that he cheated.  So now you have to decide if you want to honor that marriage or not.

Someone might explain: “my husband and I have been married about nine months.   Last week, he started crying and told me that he had something that he wanted to tell me.  I could tell that something was horribly wrong.  I honestly thought he was going to tell me that a family member had died.  Instead, he told me that about three months before our wedding, he heard from a girl he knew in college.  They went out to lunch and one thing lead to another and they had a two week affair.  He said that he considered telling me right then, but he was afraid of losing me and he still wanted to be my husband.  He says that he now realizes that not telling me was wrong because he did not give me the information that I needed to make an informed decision about getting married.  He said that he realizes that he is too late to do the right thing, but he doesn’t want to live with the guilt anymore and that I have a right to know. My immediate thought was that he was telling me this because he wants a divorce.  Otherwise, why spill the beans?  He says that he absolutely does not want a divorce and wants to stay together more than anything.  He just felt that I deserved the truth. I find myself questioning why would he go forth with the wedding.  I mean, he denies it.  But men who cheat are obviously not happy with what they have.  So why marry the girl that you cheated on?  Why not make your escape right then, before you ruin two lives?”

Your husband would be the one to answer that question, but I have to tell you that many men take the stance of your husband.  They swear that they never wanted to end the relationship when they cheated.  Many will tell you that if anything, the cheating only solidified that you are the one for them, and then of course they panic even more because they realize that the relationship is now in jeopardy.

I honestly can’t guess at your husband’s motivation for telling the truth now.  But if he doesn’t want to end or harm the relationship (which seems to be the case) then the only other two options are that he was motivated by guilt, that he wanted to at least try to do the right thing, or both.  He certainly didn’t have to tell you, since it appears that you didn’t suspect anything.  In fact, telling you may have caused more pain and trouble than keeping quiet would have.  So one would have to suspect that he thought that telling you the truth was going to give your marriage the best chance of long term success, since he denies wanting a divorce.

Assuming this is true, that might help to explain why he married you anyway.  Because as I’ve said before many men who make the mistake of cheating do not want to end their marriage.  They end up wanting to salvage it.  So if he wasn’t unhappy and if he didn’t want to escape the marriage, then why?  Well, I’m only guessing, but many people cheat at times of high stress, change, and vulnerability.  A wedding would most certainly fit that bill.  Again, this is only my guess.  You should certainly ask him for clarification or go over this with a counselor.  However, if this was a wedding that he didn’t want, then he had an easy out.  If this was a marriage that he wanted to walk away from right now, well, once again, an affair is a valid reason which would give him an easy exit.  And yet, he went ahead and got married.  And he told you about the affair even when he certainly didn’t have to.  Plus he swears that he doesn’t want a divorce.  These three things indicate that he not only wanted to marry you, he appears to want to remain married to you.

Of course, his wishes are not all that matters.  Your wishes are just as important.  You may not know what you want right now and that is perfectly normal.  There is plenty of time to sort out your feelings, seek counseling, or just take a break.  All of these are reasonable options.  But I think that it’s potentially a mistake to assume that every man who cheats wants out of their relationship or marriage.  Because as you’ve seen, many of these same men will fight very hard to save that same marriage or relationship.

I may be biased, but I do feel that a marriage can withstand an affair and in some cases come out stronger in the end.  But that process isn’t for everyone.  It is not easy.  However, I thought that this path was the best option in my case.  There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on He Cheated During Our Engagement And Then Married Me. Why?

Most people have the perception that affairs happen in midlife (or at least when the couple have been married for some time – as in the “seven year itch.”)  Still, I do hear from people who are young, who are dealing with infidelity, and who had only been married for a short time.  They are shocked and upset about the infidelity, of course.  But they also do not understand how this could happen to them, since neither spouse met the stereotypes often associated with affairs.

For example, someone might say: “I just found out that my husband had a short affair or fling.  I do not understand this.  We are young.  We’ve only been married for sixteen months.  We dated throughout our last two years of college and we are finally at the point where we’ve always dreamed of being.  We finally have decent paying jobs and we are not poor college students anymore.  Yes, our jobs can be stressful because we are just starting out, but we expected this.  This should be the most wonderful time in our lives.  Instead, this woman called me and told me that she’d been sleeping with my husband.  He didn’t deny it, but says it meant nothing and was only a few times.  He said he’d been under stress at work.  I don’t get this.  I’m very young and pretty.  There’s no 7 year itch.  There’s no younger woman because I myself am young.  There’s no midlife crisis because my husband is also young.  Why would a young husband who is newly-married cheat?”

I’m not an expert, but I can share with you some of what I’ve read through my research. It’s not as uncommon as you think for men of ALL ages to cheat.  It’s true that men often cheat when they are dealing with stressful changes in their lives.  People often assume that young people don’t deal with much stress, but this just isn’t the case.  It’s actually somewhat common for the odds of infidelity to go up after the birth of a first child or a job change, both of which happens to younger couples.  I found another statistic which I thought was very telling.  Young men who make less then 70 percent of the family income are much more likely to cheat.   There wasn’t a lot of analysis in the article about why this might be true, but you can guess that with money comes power.  And a man who feels that his wife makes more or as much money as he does feels more powerless and is therefore more likely to cheat.

Who else is likely to cheat?  Middle aged men who feel powerless because of aging.  (I’m just trying to help you to connect the dots here.)  Any time that a man feels helpless or vulnerable, the odds go up with he will participate in risky behavior like cheating.  This does not excuse him in the least.  But you mentioned that your jobs are stressful.  If he feels powerless or vulnerable at his job, this might explain some of his behaviors.  Because you’re right.  Unless you put a stressor into the mix, his behavior does not make sense.  However, it’s a misconception to think that men in happy marriages who love their wives do not cheat.  They do and some of them will tell you that they cheated precisely because they did not want to trouble, soil, or contaminate their marriage with their shameful problems.  Your husband may not want you to see him as someone who is vulnerable or not fully capable and able to cope.  Which might be why he isn’t telling you how stressful things really are.  At least that is what sometimes does happen in affairs.  He seeks relief in unfortunate places because he doesn’t want for his wife to think less of him.

Again, none of this excuses his behavior, but it might help to explain it.  It is completely up to you as to whether or not you want to believe that he can be rehabilitated.  Your husband would obviously have to be willing and motivated to make a change.  Having an affair is NOT the proper way to deal with stress.  And he needs to realize that his poor coping mechanisms and decision making have hurt you very deeply.  I wish people would think about the pain that they might cause before they take an action that has such far-reaching consequences.   As hard as it is for people to believe, young couples do experience infidelity and the reasons for it are not all that different than that of older couples.  It generally happens when one or both partners are under stress and the cheating partner chooses not to confide in their spouse but to handle matters in an unfortunate way instead.   That said, the healing methods are also the same ones that older couples go through.  I’ve gone through the healing process after an affair.   It was not always pleasant.  But it can mean the difference between preserving your marriage and letting it go.  You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Infidelity In Young Couples. Why Does It Happen?

Some wives are sure that their husband is cheating.  They are so sure of this that they can picture his reaction when confronted.  However, the confrontation does not always go as planned.  Some husbands will strongly deny that they are having an affair.  They will tell you to produce proof because they claim to know that there is no proof.  They will tell you that you are imagining things.  In truth, some of these wives do not have proof and are operating on nothing more than suspicion.  In fact, they were hoping to bluff their husband into confessing.  When he doesn’t, many hope that he is being truthful and that he was not cheating after all.  But sometimes he has behaviors that continue to raise red flags – like the husband who insists that he wasn’t cheating but then acts remorseful anyway.

Someone might say: “I accused my husband of cheating, but only after I was very sure that I was right.  I didn’t catch him in the act.  And I didn’t have concrete proof.  But he had been acting really weird.  He’d been working late, acting cold to me, and he would never allow me to see what he was texting.  Some of our neighbors saw him having lunch with another woman.  He freely admitted this, but said that she was a coworker and he was discussing a work issue.  This would not be that unusual.  He does have lunch with coworkers.  But the fact that the neighbors mentioned it to me and the fact that they were alone does make one suspicious.  So I did tell my husband that I thought he was cheating on me.  He completely denied it.  In fact, he got very defensive and a little angry.  He told me that I could check his phone and emails, which I did.  I could not find anything, but I still was not convinced. And even worse, now he’s acting remorseful and he has changed his behavior.  He’s coming home from work much earlier.  He’s being more attentive to me.  For someone who wasn’t cheating and had nothing to be guilty about, he is certainly acting remorseful and guilty.  Why would he do this?”

I could only speculate and I don’t know your husband in the way that you do. But, below, I’ll list some plausible theories.

He’s Simply Trying To Do Better Because You Have Legitimate Complaints: It’s possible that he wasn’t cheating, but knows that you have legitimate concerns about his long work hours and his distant demeanor.  Maybe he realizes that you deserve more of his time and attention and that giving it to you would mean that you don’t have to worry about things that aren’t happening.  Perhaps he feels guilty that because of his neglect, his wife assumed that he was cheating.  If so, this is easily fixable, which is what he may be attempting right now.

Perhaps He Didn’t Cheat, But Could Have: It’s possible that perhaps he wasn’t cheating with the other woman, but had some type of connection with her or knew that he was in a position where he COULD have cheated.  In other words, he knows that he had a close call and doesn’t want to put himself in this position again.  Perhaps he wants to focus on his marriage so that he doesn’t put anything that he values at risk.

He’s Trying To Divert Your Attention Away From The Truth:  I mention this option last.  I’m certainly not saying that I think that this is the reality, but I feel like I have to mention it.  There certainly are some husbands who deny cheating and then show remorse because they were, in fact, cheating.  I am certainly not saying that this is the case here.  But I have to bring this up as a possibility.

On the other hand, at this point, you have no proof.  And your husband has offered up his personal cell phone and emails, which can be significant. He’s shown good faith by that, plus he’s changed his behavior in order to make himself a better husband.  These things show an intention to focus on his marriage.

That said, there’s certainly nothing wrong with continuing to watch your husband closely.  It would be silly not to. But if he continues to be attentive and gives you no reason not to trust him, then you’ll need to decide if you want to accept his efforts to do better. Honestly, affairs do have a tendency to eventually come to the surface.  If your husband is lying, statistics tell us that you are going to eventually find out about it.  There is nothing wrong with being very observant and having some healthy skepticism.  But, also, just by going on the facts that you know, you haven’t found any proof, your husband offered you free access to his phone and email, and he’s making an effort to do better.  Only you can decide if these things matter or are meaningful.  But there are various reasons that BOTH faithful and cheating husbands display remorse.

A husband’s behavior can vary during and after the affair.  My husband was honestly acting pretty normally.  But I know other husbands who were virtually begging to be caught.  Some husbands feel guilty even by the suggestion of wrong doing (even when they did nothing wrong) and others feel no guilt while lying to your face.  You are in a better position to know what category your husband falls into.  It is possible to recover your marriage after infidelity.  (I’ve done it) But it helps to know what you are dealing with.  There’s more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Claims He Didn’t Have An Affair, But He Certainly Seems Remorseful Anyway. Why?

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Trying To Get Your Husband To End His Affair Or Choose You Over The Other Woman? These Tips Might Help

Sometimes, wives are at a loss as to why their husband cheated while still married to them. They are adamant that if he was unhappy and wanted to be with someone else, they would have given him a divorce. That way, he wouldn’t have needed to lie and to be so deceitful. Of course, this thinking assumes that the husband actually WANTED a divorce. Not all men who cheat have any intention whatsoever of ending their marriage. Actually, many do not. This is what many wives (myself included) have trouble understanding what they are dealing with.

One might say: “now that I have caught my husband cheating on me, I’ve been doing some snooping. This woman was coming onto my husband two years ago. I have an email between them where my husband admits that he ‘is flattered’ by ‘her offer,’ but he insists that while he is married, he can not have another relationship. He insists that this ‘is just not who he is.’ He basically wished the other woman well and told it might be different if he were not married, but he insisted that he WAS married. I suppose that this should theoretically make me feel better, but it doesn’t. Because two years later, she somehow wore him down. The thing is, though, he did not leave me. He did not end his marriage, which is what he insisted would have to happen. In fact, I honestly do not see a huge difference in our marriage two years ago and now. We were happy then and I thought that we were happy now. We were still having regular and good sex. He was still being sweet and thoughtful to me. But I found a hotel receipt and then an email from her saying she’d been fantasizing about being with him for years and now it had FINALLY come true. According to my husband, it only happened once and it just started. He swears that he WASN’T going to leave me, that he still loved me, and that he just made a mistake after having too much to drink. I don’t buy it. He’s been spending more and more time at the office lately, so I think he’s probably been circling her and trying to get up his nerve. I actually think that he probably made the decision for it to happen (or suspected that it might happen) far sooner than it actually did. I don’t buy that it was just an impulsive, one-time thing that was never going to happen again. So I find myself wondering why my husband didn’t just show the integrity I know him to have and then tell me he wanted a divorce before starting a relationship with her. Why not leave me? Of course, now he’s begging me not to leave HIM. But it’s sort of falling on deaf ears. I certainly would rather not lose my marriage, but I feel the same way that my husband claimed to feel – that if you are married, that’s it. You don’t have other relationships. If you want to have one, then you end the marriage and THEN you have the relationship. My husband swears he doesn’t want a relationship with this woman. He only wants a relationship with me. It just doesn’t make sense.”

I totally get your confusion. Your husband’s behavior does not fit with his words and his character. Unfortunately, I know first hand that men who are otherwise good, upstanding human beings can make colossal mistakes such as this one. In fact, the mistake is so catastrophic that we just can not fathom how he’d risk the very marriage he claims that he wants. I can’t pretend to understand the thought process of a man who cheats. I’m a wife who dealt with this. But I can share what I hear from men in this type of situation.

Some of them will tell you with what sounds like complete sincerity that they love their wife and are desperate to save their marriage. They will cut off the affair immediately and not talk to the other woman ever again. Instead, they will spend their time pursuing the wife that they betrayed. Or they will divorce (because the wife insists upon it,) but they will spend a good bit of time regretting their mistake. I truly believe that there ARE some men who cheat who still love their wife and who never intended to end their marriage. Are they attempting to have their cake and eat it too? Yes. Does this excuse them? No. But they fully believe that they love their wives and they typically beg her not to leave.

I know that it doesn’t make sense. And only your husband can tell you what changed in two years (although he himself may not totally understand this.) He may claim that nothing changed when it comes to his feelings for you. Men will often tell you that they cheated at a time in their life when they were off in some way. This might have to do with their jobs. Or with their aging parents. Or with their health. Or with what they perceive as their fading looks or vitality. But many will absolutely insist that it had nothing to do with their wife.

That’s not to say that some cheating men don’t lie to the wives who have caught them. This must be considered also. Your husband’s behaviors going forward will tell you alot about his intentions. However, I’d suggest that some men are telling the truth when they claim they never planned to leave you OR the marriage. This might not be enough and no one could blame you for that. But many men have affairs or one night stands and still very much believe that they love their wife and are invested in their marriage.  I know that this is a huge, unfair contradiction.  But men can often separate the affair and their marriage in a way that some women never could (myself included.)

Counseling might help him to uncover what motivated him to cheat while in a loving marriage and after already rejecting the other woman once.  That would indicate that he had every intention of doing the right thing, until something went wrong.  And that would bolster his claim that he doesn’t want a divorce.   Of course, you get to decide whether the same is true for you.  Recovery after an affair is possible, but not easy.  You can read about some ways that I ultimately accomplished it on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Didn’t He Just Leave Me When He Wanted To Cheat?

By: Katie Lersch: Some of the wives that I hear from who are dealing with cheating husbands will also tell you that their husband is a narcissist. They’ll tell you that he cares about his own needs more than anything else and that he feels entitled to get what he wants at the expense of others. Despite this, some of them want to save their marriage and they wonder if a narcissist has it in him to be faithful.

A wife might say: “honestly, five years ago, I would not have told you that my husband was a narcissist. Until recently, I did not know what a narcissist was. After I found out about my husband’s affair, I started to do some psychological research and I came upon information about narcissistic personalities. I am now convinced that this fits my husband to a T. Honestly, throughout our relationship, it has mostly been about him. That is not to say that I didn’t feel loved or he couldn’t be sweet. I did and he could. But my husband fully expects his needs to be met before anyone else’s – including our children. If I spend too much time with our kids and he feels slighted, he will let me know, even though our kids are small and he is a grown man. He constantly brags about himself and his accomplishments around others. Success and how people perceive him are very important to him. He also seems to feel that the rules do not seem to apply to him. I was talking about this with one of my friends and she agreed that my husband has narcissistic tendencies, but said that this dooms my marriage because people with this personality never change. Is she right? Do narcissists cheat more often and can they learn to stop?”

I have seen studies which have indicated that partners with a narcissistic personality are more likely to be unfaithful. This is especially true if they feel a sexual sense of entitlement. However, it’s incredibly important to note that true narcissism is a personality disorder and a clinical diagnosis. There’s a huge difference between this type of disorder and just common selfishness. I’m not a therapist, but I would urge you not to try and diagnose your husband yourself unless you’re a professional mental health counselor. Because it is true that it can be much harder to save your marriage (and affair – proof it later) when you’re dealing with a true narcissist. Why? Because they lack two important things that are needed to both recover from an affair and to remain faithful:

1. The person committing the affair needs to be accountable and to take responsibility for their actions and;

2. The person committing the affair needs to understand and have empathy for their spouse’s pain.

Both of these things are very unlikely for a true narcissist.  They think that normal societal rules don’t apply to them and they have trouble with empathy, (especially if they feel that their behavior is justified.) That said, many, many wives will tell you that their husband is trying to downplay the affair and doesn’t truly appreciate her pain. However, this can be very different from the behavior of husbands who have a true personality disorder. Many husbands try to downplay the affair because they know that their wives are angry at them. And their lack of sympathy can be in part posturing because again, they’re hoping to limit the fall out of what they have done. I guess the point that I’m trying to make it that some wives think that their husband has a personality disorder after his affair when he’s just a typical guy in a very bad way (which lead to the affair in the first place.) Because of this, he’s in a state of denial and he’s posturing. This is very different from a narcissist with a true personality disorder.

Because of the difficulties stated above, the ideal is to take your spouse to counseling and have that person diagnose him (or hopefully rule out a diagnosis.) However, sometimes people in this category think that the rules don’t apply to them and they are therefore resistant to counseling. If you are truly dealing with a diagnosable type of this personality, then it could be difficult to save your marriage or to prevent a repeat of this behavior without counseling. I have read about instances where it was successfully done, but the person in counseling had to want it so much that he overcame his initial reservations and sense of being “above it.”

In short, the narcissist has to believe that he has this disorder and has to also want to change. He has to humble himself enough to get help and to admit that he has made a grave mistake.  Then, he has to take responsibility for that mistake and feel empathy for it. All of these things do not come naturally for a person with this type of personality. They need help in order for these things to happen.  So yes, dealing with an affair with a narcissist can be difficult, but not impossible. With that said, many husbands exhibit this type of cold and distant behavior after an affair because they are trying to justify or downplay their behavior. They don’t have a personality disorder. They just find themselves in an unfortunate situation of their own making and they are trying to get out of it.

I definitely found my husband’s behavior to be selfish, immature, and deplorable during and (at times) after his affair.  But I do not believe my husband has any type of personality disorder. He can be empathetic, kind, loving, selfless, diplomatic, and quite fair in every day life.  He was just trying to justify his behavior at the time.  We did recover, but not until he figured out that he needed to take full responsibility with no back tracking.  There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Infidelity And Narcissism: Is There A Connection? Can It Be Overcome?