Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are quite confused as to a confession that has just come from their spouse. He has confessed to cheating, but there’s a catch. The cheating hasn’t just occurred, even though the confession is fresh. There are some people who choose to confess to the cheating years, or even decades, after it occurred. The faithful spouse often wishes that the cheating spouse had just kept quiet, or she wonders why in the world he would wait so long to be honest.

A wife might say: “to say that I am floored is an understatement. Today, out of the clear blue, my husband came home and announced that he had something to tell me. He asked me to sit down. He held my hand and told me that almost twenty years ago (about two years after we first married,) he had a four day affair with someone at his work. He found out recently that the woman had died. But he said that other than that, he hasn’t thought of her in years. However, he stressed that he wanted to go ahead and tell me because he didn’t want to die having not confessed this.  (He just had a health scare that turned out fine, but scared him.)  He said that he felt that I deserved to know. He said he hadn’t cheated since – not even close. And he felt that he did so early in our marriage simply because he was young and immature. He says he’s very ashamed and he doesn’t want the guilt following him around, although he stressed that he firmly believes that he has been a good husband ever since. I am stunned because in fact, he HAS been a good husband. If he had not have told me this, I never would have guessed. Frankly, he does not flirt with other women and he gives me his full attention. I am confused.  And I am furious. Why bring this up now? Does he want to hurt me? Does he want me to know that someone else found him attractive? I really don’t understand because we really do have a good marriage. I thought we’ve ALWAYS had a good marriage. But I guess that I was wrong. He said that he didn’t tell me earlier because he didn’t want to lose me. I’m not sure why he doesn’t think that he can lose me now. I guess he thinks that it doesn’t matter since so much time has passed, but it still matters a great deal to me. It’s still cheating, no matter when it happened. I just don’t understand why in the world he would kick this hornet’s nest now.”

I can certainly give you a guess that I base on a similar situation between some friends of mine. Because of my own experience and my articles, I asked the husband in question why he would make a confession so long after the fact. He answered in a similar way to the husband above. He basically said that now that he was older, he was looking at his lifetime accomplishments, his mistakes, and his legacy and he didn’t want to leave anything on the table.  He wanted to make things right while he still had the opportunity to do so. The affair wasn’t the only thing he confessed. He basically reached out to everyone to whom he felt that he owed an apology. He tried to heal old wounds and to heal grievances and broken relationships. Yes, the affair was the biggest surprise that came out of this, but he also reached out to old business partners, former friends, or anyone with whom he wanted to gain a sense of closure. He wanted to get everything off of his shoulders and know that he’d done what he needed to do to feel free of past burdens. He honestly did not realize that he was now placing this burden onto his wife. Because she felt the same way that this wife felt – she wondered if he just wanted to hurt her by bringing it up now. All he could say in response was that he never meant to hurt her, but that he wanted to be completely honest now. I’m not here to say whether or not I agree with his reasoning. I’m just trying to share the possible thought process. In his mind, he was trying to do what was right, even if the attempt was very late.

So where does this leave you? Well, at the end of the day, I think you have to decide whether his behavior as your husband for all of these years cancels out the deception not only of the affair, but of not telling you for all this time. You’re right that it is still an affair and you would be well within your rights to demand that he make amends and become rehabilitated (just like he would have if the affair had happened yesterday.) He must have expected that this might be the case when he chose to confess.

You have every right to feel the pain and the shock that you would have felt if the affair was fresh. Time doesn’t negate that. It still happened regardless of the date that it happened. However, in a fresh affair, you are often unsure as to whether or not your spouse will rise to the occasion and become a good and trustworthy spouse again.   You have no way of knowing if he’s going to make things right.  In your case, there is no mystery about that.  Your husband DID rise to the occasion. You have had a happy, long-term marriage and that’s quite an accomplishment. You’ll have to decide if you want to just wipe that out over something that happened a while ago. In my own case, the affair was relatively fresh, but I still decided that I didn’t want to just give away the life that I’d built without a fight, although I placed very high standards on my spouse and my marriage moving forward. I have never regretted that, but everyone has to decide the best answer for them. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I think that most of us assume that if our spouse ever cheats on us, we will be out of the marriage before the door can close behind us.  Most of also assume that we would never cheat on our spouse. And yet, statistics prove to us that both of the above assumptions are, for many couples, proven to be false.  For many people, before they even have time to really think about or to ponder the consequences, they cheat.  The affair is discovered and then the fate of their marriage is up in the air.

Speaking of assumptions, people sometimes assume that the person who cheated had checked out of the marriage and wants a divorce anyway.  This is often not the case at all.  In fact, the cheating spouse is often looking for any way at all to beg or plead with their spouse not to leave the marriage.  They often realize that they’ve made a very big mistake and would do nearly anything to save their marriage, but they know that this is completely up to their spouse.  Many will go to counseling, seek out self help, and research statistics in an attempt to tempt fate in their favor.  They might say: “I know that this is all on me.  I am the one who cheated in my marriage and it isn’t like me at all.  I would give anything to take it back.  I had everything.  It was perfect.  And I had to go and ruin it.  My husband is a good man.  I was simply bored, I guess.  And I didn’t take the time to think.  I never planned for it to get out of control.  But my husband found out.  And now he’s not even living with me.  He’s staying with a coworker because he’s so angry with me.  He hasn’t asked for a divorce yet.  But I wouldn’t blame him if he did.  If he had been the one who had cheated on me, I know that I would be furious, so I can’t be a hypocrite and act as if I deserve him.  But I would do anything if he would give me a chance.  I’m considering going to counseling, even if he won’t go with me.  But some of my friends say that I’m wasting my time because my marriage is over, since I ruined it.  What are the chances that my husband will stay after the affair?”

Statistics And Real World Numbers: I can tell you what statistics show.  And I can also tell you that after an affair, I stayed.  (But I required that many things happened first.  More on that later, though.)  Statistics indicate that anywhere from 50 – 60% of couples actually stay together after an affair.  Most people are surprised by that number.  (Because most people think the same way as I did – and as you did – that if their spouse cheats, they will be out the door.) The thing is, you don’t just stop loving your spouse or wanting your marriage in that one instant.  There are other things to consider sometimes.

What the statistics don’t tell us is why the couples chose to stay together, whether they separated first, and whether or not they are happy now. I suspect that some stayed together because of kids or out of habit and others are just sort of existing in their marriage.  But I can tell you that it’s possible to get a healthy marriage back after an affair, but you after to really want to do so.  And you have to be willing to put in the effort that is going to be required.  It sounds as if you are willing to do that.  The question is whether or not your husband is going to be willing to allow you to do that.

Proving To Your Spouse That Giving You A Second Chance Is A Good Risk: It sounds as if you are giving him time to evaluate what he wants and are respecting his space.  My husband did that as well and I did appreciate it.  But in our case, there were children involved, which did factor into my decision to at least be open to staying in my marriage.  However, I would not have stayed if my husband did not rise to the occasion and prove that he was willing to rehabilitate the trust and the marriage.  He took that responsibility and he stepped up to the plate.  I can’t possibly know how your husband feels, but I’d think that doing these things would be a good start toward increasing the odds that he will stay.  You mentioned counseling. I agree that it’s a great option.  There’s also great self help.  I don’t think that an affair needs to automatically be the end of your marriage. But that doesn’t mean that the marriage won’t need serious attention and fixing.  An affair is very damaging and hurtful.  However, with work, it doesn’t have to destroy.  Some spouses do stay.  And many, like myself, are glad that they did.  Because they have sincere and remorseful spouses who made it worth their while to do so.  It would be helpful if you could show your spouse that you are in this category by demonstrating patience, kindness, and your own willingness to do whatever is necessary to regain his trust and affection.  Because spouses who stay ultimately do so because they hope that staying is a good risk.  What I mean by that is they hope that their taking a chance on their spouse is going to be worth it in the end.  This is within your control because you can make certain that it is worth it to him by becoming the wife that you know that you can be.

I’ve never regretted staying, but that is because my husband did make good on his promises and we both worked very hard to rebuild.  I would have been very disappointed otherwise and it may not have been worth the risk.  You can read more about this process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: One would assume that the biggest physical marital complaint after an affair is sex. And, to be sure, plenty of couples do have issues with sex after one of them has cheated. But, it might surprise you to know that I just as often hear from people who have resumed their sex life (with various results,) but are most troubled by the drop off in spontaneous innocent contact – like hugs, handholding, or pecks on the cheek that aren’t meant to lead to sex, but are just meant to communicate love. And frankly, this can bother people every bit as much as the sex. And they can be confused as to why their spouse seems content to have sex – which is seen as far more vulnerable –  but then doesn’t seem to want to do the simpler stuff, like hug and hold hands.

Someone might explain: “I know that this is going to seem petty when so much catastrophic stuff is going on in our lives. But I’m so disturbed by the fact that my husband never hugs me anymore since his affair. He never holds my hand either. And he only kisses me when we are having sex. Yes, we have sex. That is what is so weird. We didn’t at first. But now a couple of months have passed and I want to try to get our marriage to feel like it did before. So I consented to it and I even wanted it myself – to a certain extent. And my husband does show enthusiasm and enjoyment when we have sex. But my husband used to be the best hugger. We would hug for several minutes every day. He would just hold me. It was one of my favorite parts of our relationship. He would also often grab my hand when we had dinner. And he would hold it and actually look at me. He never does this anymore. And I don’t really understand why. Yes, I was very furious at him after the affair and I said and did some mean things. But lately, I’ve been really trying to give our marriage a chance and there is no way that he can ignore this. I feel like we are both really putting in an effort. Yet, sometimes you can literally feel the elephant in the room. Things certainly are not the way that they used to be. There a sense of unease and awkwardness. But we are both trying. However, I’m not sure that we are going to be able to recover if he won’t kiss and hug me and spontaneously show me love and affection in the way that he used to. Now, I feel like I only get any of this when he wants sex. But it is those hugs that I mourn the most. I really miss those hugs. I know that it sounds silly, but that is how I feel. And I feel like my marriage is fractured as much by the lack of the hugs as by the affair. I know I’m overreacting, but I don’t understand why he can have sex with me but doesn’t seem to want to give me a hug.”

I don’t think that you are overreacting at all. And I can give you some theories as to why the hugs are suddenly missing. But when you are trying to recover from an affair, you often want all of the physical reassurance that you can get. And the sex can certainly be reassuring. Because not all couples are able (or want to) resume it after the affair. I know that for me, I looked for these loving gestures too. And I mostly looked for them because they were spontaneous. They were a “tell,” (or so I thought) as to whether or not my husband was feeling intimate and loving toward me. But what I didn’t realize at the time was that sometimes, he was holding back because he didn’t feel that he had the right to show me affection unless and until I asked for it. He was afraid of being rejected. So like you, I wondering what was wrong with him, or with me, since I wasn’t seeing the back rubs or the brushing of my cheek, or all of those things that used to happen before the affair. In truth, if I’m being completely honest right now, I wanted him to TRY to do these things, but depending on what mood he caught me in, I may have rejected him or lashed out at him. Or I may have welcomed him with open arms. My emotions were all over the place at that time. I WANTED to know that he wanted me, but I didn’t always want him back because I was very angry and confused. One day, I may have wanted a lot of physical affection and the next day, I might have rebuffed him if he had even tried. I believe that this is what my husband was trying to avoid when he held back. (You can read more about how we went back and forth (and eventually recovered) on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com)

This type of hesitation is possible for your husband also. He may hold back even when you have been nothing but receptive toward him. Some people are just very tentative after they have made this type of mistake. They feel guilty. They feel very badly about themselves. I know it is very hard not to take this personally, but it is often about them and not about you.

If this continues to bother you, you can always try to address it. You might try: “honey, this might sound really silly to you, but I notice that you haven’t tried to hug me, hold my hand, or initiate more intimate physical contact. I miss your hugs. I know that you might be holding back on them because we are both unsure about where we stand lately. But regardless of the struggles that we are facing, I don’t think that you can ever go wrong with a hug. No matter where we are in this process, I’d probably always value a hug from you because it shows me that you care and that you want to reach out to me. I can’t promise that we won’t have our challenges or bad days, but withholding the simple things that show we care isn’t the greatest idea, either. Can you try to bring the hugs or intimate contact back into our marriage, even if it is on a smaller scale?”

I would suspect that he will agree. He may have just been waiting for you to give him the okay. If things don’t improve, please consider getting counseling or using self help. The reason that I say this is that emotional intimacy is often necessary for the physical intimacy to follow. Sometimes, a hug is more intimate than sex, which is why you the hugs may have disappeared. Sometimes, you have to recover the emotional intimacy before the physical intimacy is satisfying and spontaneous again. And that doesn’t always happen on its own. There is no shame in getting the help you need so that you can once again get the hugs you want. An affair can knock a marriage off its axis. Sometimes you need a little help righting it again. You can read about my attempts to do this (and my final success) on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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by: Katie Lersch: It’s no secret that a decent percentage of affairs happen at the work place or at a person’s job.  After all, most of us spend as much time at our desks or at our jobs than we do at home with our spouse.  And, in today’s economy under the pressure to perform well and to get a long with others, people can become very close with and attached to their coworkers.  It’s not at all uncommon to hear people describe their coworkers “like family” even though they’re anything but related.

This can become a real problem when your husband has an affair (emotional or physical) with one of those coworkers and then has so much time and status invested in his job (where that same woman works) that he doesn’t want to leave or quit the job once the affair is discovered.

I recently heard from a wife who could not understand why (and was furious that) her husband would not leave his job after he had an affair with a coworker.  She said, in part: “I knew something was up with my husband and his colleague when I saw them together at an office party. I confronted him when we got home, he confessed everything, and begged my forgiveness.  Part of me does want to save my marriage and move past this. And he’s shown that he’s willing to work with me to rebuild with the exception of one thing.  He won’t leave his job.  Although he says he understands that I’m uncomfortable with him continuing to work with a woman that he cheated on me with, he insists that leaving his job would devastate us financially and would force him to turn his back on a career that he’s worked his whole life to achieve.  I told him that I don’t care about the money and would eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the rest of our lives if it meant getting this woman away from us.  I simply can’t stand the thought of him laying his eyes on her every day or eating lunch with her or even interacting with her in a business setting.  It just turns my stomach to even think about it.  I’ve considered giving him an ultimatum or leaving him until he quits his job, but then I worry that these things are the same as giving up.  What are my options because at this point I’m fresh out of ideas.”

Understanding A Husband’s Reluctance To Leave His Job After An Affair: Before I go any further, I want to stress that in no way am I defending or even sympathizing with husbands who have affairs.  I’ve dealt with an affair in my own marriage, so I would never defend this behavior.  However, I also occasionally dialog with men on this topic and I think it’s important that you at least partially understand their thought process.

Wives often believe that their husbands won’t leave his job after the affair because he wants to secretly keep seeing the other woman or can’t bear to be apart from her.  I can’t say that this is never the case, because it sometimes is.  But, there are many other valid reasons for him to be reluctant to leave his job.

One well known contributing factor to a man having an affair is low self esteem.  Often, a man who cheats or has an affair is greatly struggling with this issue.  It’s important to understand that a man’s self esteem can be greatly tied into his job or into his professional accomplishments.  So, asking him to walk away from the same job that is often tied intimately with his own identity may seem like quite a lot to ask at the time.

Many men will become upset that you don’t trust them enough to allow them to keep their job, but this is only part of the story.  Many are embarrassed at their behavior and fear further embarrassment for having to alter their lives and their career paths due to the whims and the wishes of someone else.  This can be seen as behavior that is not very masculine (although it really should not matter what anyone else thinks.)

Finally, many men are being honest when they tell you that they are worried about the financial implications of quitting their job.  In today’s economy, being unemployed (even if you chose this path yourself) is an extremely scary and risky place to be.  It’s not always easy (or even possible) to find a comparable job with a comparable salary.  Many men in this situation will tell you that they have already lost so much because of the affair so that they don’t want to lose one important constant in their lives right now.  They don’t want to add financial problems on top the considerable problems that they already have.

Finding Some Compromise Until Your Husband Can Leave Or Adjust His Job: Sometimes, when it’s clear that he’s unwilling to leave his job for right now and it’s also clear that this is exactly what you need from him, it’s advisable to look for compromises so that both people feel like they’re at least getting part of their needs met and are being heard, at least until a resolution is reached.

Because it’s important that you know that your husband’s contact with the other woman is stopped completely (or at least drastically cut back,) your husband might ask for a transfer, request a new partner, or adjust his duties.  He might encourage you to have lunch with him every day so that you don’t have to worry about them being together outside of work hours.  He might call you frequently to check in so that you know that you’re still on his mind.  And, the two of you might work together to set a deadline for him to find another job while you both actively pursue resumes to other companies.

It’s important to feel as though you are working together to find a resolution and that, although you may not have the exact resolution that you want at the time that you want it, at least you are willing to meet each other half way so that you both feel validated.

In order to begin to heal from affair, both people have to feel as if their spouse is willing to work with them to give them what they want and need.  The wife needed to know that her husband took her feelings and concerns seriously enough to make some adjustments and to take some action, while the husband needed to know that his wife wasn’t determined to see that he lost everything because he had an affair.

I know that having to still think about and deal with this other woman is unfair.  But over time, it should become clear to you that your husband is serious about addressing your concerns, even if it’s not always possible for him to take immediate and dramatic action.  Gradual healing truly is possible and generally more lasting anyway.  Although it took my husband and I a while to heal, eventually our marriage recovered and is now better than ever.  It it helps, you can read about the things that helped me heal after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Occasionally, I will hear from people who want to know how a man might feel after he has been “outed” about an affair.  Sometimes, the person asking is a well-meaning friend or family member who just could not stand quietly by and not say anything.  Other times, “the other person” in the affair will spill the beans for their own reasons.

A well-meaning friend might say: “I am neighbors with two lovely people.  I am actually close with both the husband and the wife.  It came to my attention that the husband was having an affair.  He promised that he would break it off and asked me not to say anything to his wife.  He did not break it off.  I kept telling him that I was going to have to tell his wife and he asked me to give him more time.  Well, his wife confided in me that she suspected him of cheating, so I couldn’t just act like I didn’t know.  I told her.  And now I’m afraid the husband is going to hate me.”

Or, from “the other woman,” you might hear, “I actually told my boyfriend’s wife about our affair and now he’s not taking my calls.  He told me that he was going to tell her.  He’s been promising that for months.  But he never has confessed.  Sometimes, she will call or text when we are together and he will act all secretive and this upsets me because obviously, she needs to know.  So I figured that maybe he just needs a little nudge.  He’s been claiming that he was going to tell her himself anyway, so I’m not sure how it is a big deal.  But one of my friends said that he’s likely furious and that is why he is not calling me back.  Who is right?  How does a man feel when you tell his wife about an affair?”

I’ve never known a man to actually thank someone for outing his affair – especially at first.  Most men are going to think that you did something that was their task to complete.  It is their wife. So, many men feel that it is their right and responsibility to tell her.  Now, both people in the examples above would argue that the husband SHOULD have told her and therefore, put himself in the position to be outed.

Those are probably legitimate arguments. However, in both cases, the husband likely thinks that he had his own good reasons for his timing.  The other person in the affair often underestimates how much the husband is still invested in his marriage.  And this is because sometimes he downplays that fact to continue on with the affair.  But often, he doesn’t tell his wife because he doesn’t want her to know, since this might hurt the marriage in which he is still invested.  He intends to eventually break off the affair and continue on with his marriage as if nothing happened.  (Admittedly, I’m speaking in generalities here.  There are some men who confess to their wives and beg for forgiveness.  But many men would rather just be a good husband after the affair without anyone getting hurt.)

Yes, most husbands are angry that they were not the ones who confessed the affair for themselves.  But they are also angry that now they have a shocked, hurt, and outraged wife to deal with, plus they have to deal with the person who told.  It’s often quite a shock and quite upsetting for everyone involved, which is why he isn’t likely to thank you and why he may be avoiding you now.

In fact, in many instances, the other woman tells the wife in the hopes that it ends the marriage.  Sometimes, the exact opposite happens.  The husband can’t scramble fast enough to make this up to his wife.  He’s furious that the other woman intruded on his family and so the affair ends rather than becoming a lasting relationship – which was the other woman’s goal.

In the case of the neighbor above, the husband will likely feel angry or betrayed at first because as I said, this is going to cause a lot of fall out and pain.  However, if he eventually saves his marriage and can eventually see this a little more objectively, he may eventually see that the neighbor was looking out for his wife and felt a moral obligation to tell her.  I understand that and the husband may eventually as well.  Many men look back on an affair and are quite embarrassed by their behavior.  But it can take them some time to gain that objectivity.

Many husbands resent the “outing” because they didn’t feel that the time was right. Or they had no intention of the wife knowing in the first place.  In their minds, they are trying to spare everyone pain.  And despite what they tell the other woman, many are still invested (and want to keep) their marriages.

Now that the husband has been “outed,” it will be up to his wife if she wants to give him any chance at all to save the marriage.  But that will often be his goal (even if he did drag his feet about confessing.)  In fact, that’s often PRECISELY why he didn’t confess – he didn’t want to lose his marriage.  Recovery is possible, but both parties have to be motivated to do the work.   You’re welcome to read about what recovery looks like on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  When a husband is caught cheating, he will often try to minimize the affair.  He will try to tell you that the affair didn’t mean much to him.  Or he will say that he was actively ending it. Most wives don’t believe these excuses.  However, some wives do a little digging and they find out that these claims were in fact true.  These leaves the wives confused.  They just can not understand how a man who didn’t appear to be “that into it” carried out and continued on with the affair.  For example, someone might say, “when I caught my husband cheating, he told me that the affair was essentially over – at least emotionally.  He told me that he had been trying to break it off for quite some time, but the other woman kept trying to get him to stay in the relationship.  I did not believe this.  I thought he was just telling me this so that the affair wouldn’t seem so bad.  However, I went digging through my husband’s computer and I did find emails between them that backs up my husband’s story.  As early as a couple of months ago, he started telling her that he did not want to continue.  He told her that the affair was wrong and that he couldn’t do this to his family.  She kept emailing him, even though he ignored her for much of the time.  I could tell from the emails that they would get together every once in a while.  But it clearly was not the hot and heavy relationship that it started out as.  And my husband was clearly trying to get away from it.  But it appears that he kind of allowed it to lag on and to continue, even though it wasn’t the same.   I do not understand why.  It seems pretty obvious from the emails that my husband had reached a point where he was no longer invested.  So why would he just drag it out like that and continue to cheat on me?”

I admit that I am not a man.  I am a woman who has dealt with infidelity and because of my articles, people do sometimes reach out to me.  I believe that I have a fairly good handle on people’s motivations in this situation.  Below, I’ll offer some reasons that a man might continue on with an affair that is just no longer working.

He’s Afraid Of The Other Woman’s Reaction:  In my observation, the most common reason that a man has trouble breaking off the affair once and for all is that the other woman tries very hard not to allow it.  Sometimes, she will try everything in her power to keep the affair going.  Because of this, many husbands are afraid that she is going to tell the wife or go to see the wife face-to-face.  So he would rather go through the motions in a dead relationship than to risk his wife finding out, or worse, having this woman come to his home and make a very unfortunate announcement about the affair.  In his mind, he’s trying to protect his wife or his family until he can figure out how to end it.  Many husbands hope that his indifference and lack of participation will mean that the other woman will cut it off herself eventually.

He’s Struggling With The Same Personal Issues That Caused The Affair In The First Place: I know that I may take a lot of flack for this next comment.  But I think that even men who have affairs might eventually (and in hindsight) agree that they weren’t at their best when having an affair.  The cheating usually comes at a time when a man is very vulnerable, indecisive, and impulsive.   So, he’s usually not in the best frame of mind for making firm decisions and for making those same decisions clear.  That’s why he may be an easy target for a woman who just doesn’t want to let the relationship go.  Sure, his heart may not be in it, but he figures as long as no one knows and no one is getting hurt, what is the harm in just not rocking the boat?

Of course, that is until you find out about the affair and you ARE getting hurt.  This is usually the wake up call that forces him to take very decisive and swift action.  I know that you wish that action had come sooner and that he would have ended the affair the second he knew that it was wrong, but I think that it does mean at least something that he tried.  I hear from so many wives who have husbands that, even when caught and confronted, don’t want to break off the affair.  The fact that your husband not only told the other woman that the affair was wrong, but also tried to end it, is a good sign.

By no means does it excuse the affair, but it does show you where his heart was and that you’re not dealing with a husband who is still invested in another relationship.

And you get to decide if this is enough to at least hear him out or to take the time to decide what you really want before throwing your marriage away.  There is no right or wrong answer.  You just have to decide which decision is the best one for you.  I ultimately decided to give my husband another chance.  This was for my kids at first, but eventually, it was because it was what I truly wanted.  It was the right decision for me, but everyone has to make this decision for themselves. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from women who are struggling not only to deal with their husband’s infidelity, but who are also trying to process the fact that he cheated with a much younger woman.  This will often cause even more pain and insecurity because the wife fears that she is fighting a battle that can never be won.

I heard from a wife who said: “it’s bad enough that my husband cheated on me and had an affair.   But the fact that he cheated on me with a young woman almost half of our age is almost more than I can bear.   I feel like I will never be able to compete with her or even the memory of her.  He has broken it off and says he wants for us to start over and begin again.  He says that he still loves me and is still attracted to me.  He says that the affair had nothing to do with the other’s woman’s age and that it was only him trying to feel young again.  I want to believe him because we have children and I want to save my family.  But I wonder how he can even be attracted to me since he knows that he can attract and be with a younger woman.  The other woman isn’t a beauty queen by any means, but she is much younger than I am.  And I just don’t think that any man would chose an older woman over a younger one.  I’m not ugly by any means.  People tell me all the time that I am very pretty, but I still don’t think I stand a chance.”  I will tell you my take on this in the following article.

I understood why this wife felt the way that she did.  I’ve been in this situation also and I know that the the insecurity from this can make you feel old, tired, and worthless.  But what I didn’t understand at the time (and what this wife likely didn’t understand right now) was that the husband had already given the younger woman up.  There was no competition.

What you are truly dealing with is understandable insecurity that you don’t deserve to live with for the rest in your life.  So, in the following article, I will outline some ways to move past the insecurity so that you can restore the confidence that you deserve.

Understand That Attraction Is Not Only Based On Looks And Age:  While it can be true that looks provide the initial spark of attraction, it is not someone’s looks (or even their age) that contributes to the long term success of any relationship.  What really counts is compatibility, shared experiences, deep understandings, and commitment.   This is something that you have that the other woman can not touch.

I absolutely understand feeling insecure right now.  I felt the same way.  But please understand that who you are and the attributes that you possess have not changed one bit.  You are the exact same person today as you were before the affair.  However, your perceptions of yourself have understandably been shaken.  So now, we have to focus on changing your perceptions to rebuild your confidence.

When You Know That You Are Worthwhile And Desirable, Then You Don’t Cling To What Someone Else Thinks:  If you remember anything from this article, I want for you to remember this.  You are the same worthwhile and valuable person that you were twenty years ago.  This wife knew that she was attractive.  She knew it in her heart and this was confirmed by several others who had no interest in her marriage or her life.  So now, she just had to embrace this, claim it, and vow that she was not going to allow someone else’s actions to shake her faith in herself.  She had earned the right to her self confidence by grit and by experience.   She didn’t need to allow for someone else to take this from her.

I can not stress enough how important it is that you claim and embrace your own beauty.  You are not competing against any one else.  Your only responsibility is to yourself.  If there is something about your looks that you don’t like, then by all means change it.  But if you know in your heart that you are perfectly fine, then don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.

Because here is the truth.  Your husband isn’t going to be as attracted to you if you don’t own your own worth.  If you walk around as though you have something to apologize for, then you will continue to struggle with insecurity.  But if you love yourself and decide that he can either get with the program or not, you will often find that he finds this sort of confidence very attractive.

You have nothing to over compensate for.  Both you and your husband have the life experiences that mean you are a little older.  This has been hard fought and you don’t need to compete with anyone.  I suspect you will find that if you embrace what is special about you and make no apologies for it, you will find that your husband is still attracted to you.  But interestingly enough, once you embrace and love yourself, you will often find that you are no longer holding your breath over what he thinks.

As I alluded to, I was shaken by the fact that the other woman was younger.  But eventually, I decided that worrying about something that I couldn’t control wasn’t serving or strengthening me in any way.  So I decided to strengthen myself.  This made a huge difference.  I no longer worried about how my husband felt as long as I liked what I saw.  And I believe that this made all of the difference. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s almost universally accepted that a woman who has a cheating husband is a woman who is going to struggle with confidence and self esteem. I have to admit that I HAVE known women who remained steadfast in the knowledge that they were wonderful individuals who did nothing wrong. A neighbor and close friend once said of her husband and her self esteem: “why should I change my view of myself? The problem is with him, not with me. He is the one whose self confidence should take a hit. As far as I am concerned, I hold all the cards. I get to say what happens to our marriage and to our life.” I used to envy this outlook, especially initially. Because no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t adopt it for myself.

Intellectually, I knew that I wasn’t at fault. I also knew that, technically, nothing about me had changed and so I should not feel “less than.” But I could not help all of those nasty concerns creeping into my mind, like: “I am getting older and there’s only so much you can do to turn back the clock.” Or “maybe I have gotten boring and am not as exciting to be around since I became a mother.” Or “how can I compete with younger, more enthusiastic and naive women at my husband’s office?” All of these concerns whittled away at my self esteem.

And I know that I am not alone. I have wives reach out to me who tell me that their self esteem and confidence have taken huge hits after they learned of their husband’s affair. They might say things like: “I will admit that I don’t look exactly the way that I did on the day that my husband married me. But who does? And normally, I would give myself a break about this. But I feel like my looks may have come into play in terms of my husband’s affair. I wonder if he would have looked outside of our marriage if I had been thinner or more attentive. I admit that most of what I talk about these days centers on child care. And now I wonder if my husband just thinks that I’m brainless and boring. He says that he wants to save our marriage and he says that I am as beautiful and interesting as I have always been. He seems to be trying to communicate with sincerity. But I just have a hard time believing him. If all of this were true, why would he have cheated? When I am with my husband, sometimes I have a hard time looking him in the eye. I have caught myself starring at my feet sometimes. My husband is a successful person. He is very smart. His brain is always working. I feel like he may look down on me because all I do is stay at home with the kids. When I told my mom this, she told me that I needed to drop this attitude and raise my confidence level pronto because no man is going to stay attracted to someone who doubts herself. She says when I act as if I am not good enough, my husband might eventually start to believe this.”

I do agree with your mother. Presenting yourself as “less than” to both your husband and to yourself doesn’t help anyone. It’s not fair to you and it isn’t accurate, either. That said, I know how difficult it can be to act or pretend to be confident when you are feeling anything but confident. But I learned that you really MUST try. In this case, you really do have to fake it until you make it. If you go around presenting yourself exactly the way that you feel, then you’re walking around as someone who is unsure, broken, and only partially whole. That’s not who you are and not how you should see yourself (especially when you are not the one who did something wrong.)

I can and will share some things that helped me to regain some of my confidence, but you have to just play around with different things until you find what works for you. I took inventory about things that bothered ME individually – (and not things that I perceived might bother my husband.) For example, when I evaluated the worry that I was too old, I looked at things objectively and told myself that this was something that wasn’t really valid. Other than looking my best and trying to maintain my enthusiasm and energy for life, I just was not comfortable pretending to be younger than I was or trying to be someone that I am not. My husband is well aware of my age. I can’t fool him into thinking that I am younger. I can look as good as it is possible for me to look. And I can stay in shape to be healthy. But part of being healthy is not to become obsessed with this.  And it isn’t respecting myself to begrudge my life experience.

However, one thing that I did not discard was the feeling that I was becoming isolated because of parenting. Please don’t misunderstand this. I adore my kids and consider parenting as one of the primary reasons that I am on this Earth. But I did decide to take some classes just to continue to use my intellect in other ways in order to boost my confidence. It felt good to know that, if something should happen to my marriage, I could take care of myself. And I think that made both my husband and MYSELF respect me more.

I did address parts of my appearance and my dress that made ME happy. I did not make changes based on what I thought my husband might want. I made changes based on what I wanted. I believe that this is a very important distinction. I made changes that made ME feel good. When you feel good, it is much easier to project confidence because you genuinely feel it.

Again, these things are going to be very individual. I can’t know what bothers you when you are objectively determining where you lack confidence. But we all have these places. The affair just shines a light on them. They were already there, but now they are intensified, of course. So now is the time to address them and to know that you NEVER have to let anyone see you or treat you as “less than,” and that includes yourself.  Do your best to hold your head high and to project confidence – and eventually true confidence will follow.

At least this is what I did.  I did have to fake or bluff confidence in the beginning.  When I was taking the classes, there was a voice in my head that asked me just who I thought I was.  But I quieted that voice and continued on.  And I’m so glad I did.  Because today, I know that I will be okay no matter what happens.  And this knowledge really does affect the way that I handle my life and my marriage. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Sometimes, I hear from women who are either still actively in a relationship with a married man (or who were in a relationship that has just ended because the married man / husband broke it off.)  Some of the time, these women have the goal of stepping up the relationship so that the husband leaves his family to focus on the affair.  Often, this strategy backfires when he ends the affair instead.  In essence, the “other woman” gives the husband an ultimatum of sorts – his family or her.  And he picks his family.  But she can’t understand why.  I hear from some of these women with comments like: “I can’t pretend that I didn’t know the guy that I love was married.  I did know that.  He did not lie or hide it.  But he made it seem as if his marriage was in trouble.  And he would talk, admittedly in vague terms, about his children being grown and us eventually being together.  So I very sincerely (but probably very stupidly) thought that we would one day be together.  Well, this weekend, I thought that we were meeting for a nice dinner, but instead, before we even ordered, he told me that he was ending the affair for his family’s sake.  I was stunned.  I was heartbroken.  This man has told me that he loves me and that he can not live without me.  His children will always be his children.  That will not change.  So why would he choose his family over me?  I will never understand that because I feel like he could have both if he really wanted to.  But when I try to convince him of this, he seems hesitant.  I can tell that he would like to stay with me, but he also seems conflicted about his family.  I don’t understand this.  Why is he acting this way?”

From the tone of this, I have to assume that the person asking these questions does not have children.  Because I suspect that if she did, she may understand this dynamic a little better.  I have no idea how the husband felt about the other woman.  Sometimes, the husband feigns feelings that may not entirely be there in order to carry out the affair.  Sometimes, he may have feelings, but for many people, the feelings that they have for their children trump all.   This is why people who try to blend families in their second marriages can struggle greatly.  Most parents’ allegiance is going to go toward their own child.  It is just human nature.  Most parents would do absolutely anything for the well being of their children.

And frankly, you can’t blame someone for this.  It is a parent’s duty to want the very best for their child.  A broken home is usually not considered to be the best.   Many men in affairs actually DO have feelings for their wife and for the mother of their child – even if they try to downplay those feelings for the benefit of the affair.  And so when those relationships are threatened or at risk, many married men will end the affair to end that risk (or to at least see if they can save the marriage.)  They feel that they owe that to their family.  And at least some of them have been continuing to carry out their marriage (and the sex / intimacy that goes with it) with their wife at the same time that the affair was happening. ( This is true regardless of what they have claimed to the other woman.)

I know that this is hard to hear if you are the other woman.  But it might be reassuring to hear if you are the wife.  In my experience and observation, very few married men who have affairs ever intend to abandon their families or to leave their marriage.  They convince themselves that this will be a short-term thing that they can end at a convenient time so that no one finds out.  Sometimes the wife does find out, and sometimes the husband becomes paranoid or careless and starts to worry about his wife finding out.  And this is when he will end the affair and start to turn his attention toward his family.  He will often cling tightly to his family at this time because he realizes what he has put at risk.

Sometimes, the other woman asks me what they can say or do to change his mind.  Frankly, he is often very motivated to save his family.  And I’m not sure why these women strive to break apart families.  Yes, it was not great behavior by the married man to cheat.  And yes, he likely mislead her and it hurts to be lied to in this way.  I can understand why she is upset.  At the same time, she knowingly began a relationship with a married man.  So she knew that there was someone else in the picture.  Perhaps she wanted to believe what he claimed and she wanted to believe that he didn’t love his wife anymore.  But if that was the case, wouldn’t he already be separated or divorced?  If I could tell women considering an affair one thing, it would be to wait to start a relationship until the man is single.  If his marriage is truly that bad, he will be in the process of pursuing a divorce or he will have already gotten one.  Only then is it a good idea to start a relationship.  If he is still married, then there is a good chance that he will stay married.  All you have to do is look at the statistics to believe that.

Not all men maintain their marriage after an affair.  (Some of their wives divorce them or have no interest in saving the marriage.  And a small percentage of men do leave their marriage for the affair.)  But statistics show you that this is the exception and not the rule.  Most people try to work it out, particularly if there are children.  For most men, no woman and no affair is more important than their families, although that is not true in every case.

I do have to give my husband credit – he was very clear early on that his family was much more important to him than the affair.  He did not hesitate to give it up.  And then he worked pretty hard to restore my trust – although we hit plenty of rough patches.  I have never regretted maintaining my family.  As a child of divorce, I would have had a very hard time walking away.  But I didn’t always share this with my husband.  There’s more about this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I hear from a alot of wives who are dealing with the frustration of a husband who just isn’t trying hard enough to make up for the affair.  So when I hear from someone who has a husband who IS trying, but who is still struggling,  I understand how difficult this might be.  I know exactly how this feels. You can often see the effort that he is making.  And you can’t fault that effort.  So you believe that you should put forth some effort, too.  That’s only fair. And good faith is very important.  But when you try to put forth that effort, you find yourself having a hard time trusting him or believing in him.

Someone might say: “I do have to honestly say that I 100% believe that my husband is trying to make amends after his affair.  He does everything that I ask.  He comes right home from work.  He compliments me and tries to make my life easier.  He offers to watch the kids while I go out with friends.  He has agreed to counseling, although we have just gotten started.  He is patient when I get angry with him and when I keep asking questions about the affair.  In short, I can’t really criticize how he has been acting.  He does appear to be a man who is trying to make things right.  And I am encouraged by that.  So I try to make myself have some optimism about my marriage and I try to return his kindness. But I find myself not exactly trusting in him or believing in him.  And I think that there are a couple of reasons for this.  First of all, my husband is in sales and therefore is very convincing of anything that he tries to float by you.  People say that my husband could sell ice water in a desert and sometimes I think that is what he is doing here.  The second thing that makes me reluctant is that my husband was being sweet, upbeat, and loving when he was carrying on the affair.  If friends had not seen him with the other woman, I would not have known or found out.  So there were no warning signs or weird behaviors.  He was his normal self while cheating, which makes me think that he could be continuing to cheat and I would have no idea. So this makes me doubt myself and makes me question if I can trust him.  This is all very problematic because he will try to be sweet to me and initiate affection and I find myself pulling away. I don’t want to.  But I guess my doubt and lack of trust is making me back off.  Will I ever feel that I can trust him? Or will I always have my guard up?”

In my experience, you can, in time, feel that you can trust him again.  But the key words here are “in time.”  There is just no way around that.  You have understandable doubts.  If you didn’t, you would be ignoring reality.  The only way that I am aware of to quell those doubts is to do the work and then wait to see if your husband proves himself to be trustworthy over time.  Yes, he can tell you that he will not cheat again.  Yes, his behavior can indicate that he doesn’t intend to cheat on you again.  But nothing is as reassuring as to look back (over a long period of time) and to realize that he has PROVEN that he will not cheat again and therefore, it is safe to trust him.

Now, while you are waiting for this peace of mind, you do not have to live in complete fear all of the time.  Unfortunately, there is no way to get a 100% guarantee that from this moment on that you can trust every one that you love and no one is ever going to disappoint you.  I sure wish that life worked this way, but it does not.  For most of us, we make a conscious choice to participate in the relationship while keeping our eyes open to what is going on around us.  Does this mean that we always try to catch him cheating and just know that this day is going to come?  Hopefully not, although we certainly can be observant, especially in the early days.

What this often means is that we take each day as it comes, we continue to attend counseling, we continue to make an effort, we are grateful for the good days, and we get through the bad days.  Many of us find that in time, the good days start to outweigh the bad days and we eventually find ourselves worrying about trust less and less.  But this process comes with time and work.  I know of no way to skip over either one.  And every time I have tried to, the doubt just came back that much stronger.

So I eventually learned to just hope for the best and to to do every thing that I could for the sake of my family, but I also kept an eye out for any behaviors that I thought were troubling.  Thankfully, I did not find any and time has now given me the reassurance that it’s safe to trust my husband again.   My husband told me that it was safe years ago, but I needed time to go by in order to see that for myself.  While I was waiting, I continued to live my life and raise my family.  Because really, what else can you do?  If your husband is doing what you have asked and you see progress, then it is worth it to wait and to have patience, at least in my opinion.

I did not completely trust my husband early in our recovery.  I always had my eyes open.  But I continued on and I gave it my best effort for the sake of my family.  As we healed, the trust returned.  So there is reassurance that you won’t always feel this doubtful.  But you need to do the work. And you need the time to heal.   There’s more about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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