Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from women who want to know what are typical responses and phrases from a man who has just been caught having an affair.   Some of these women are “the other woman” in the affair.  They want to know if a man will typically be truthful about his supposed “feelings” or if, once caught, is all about saving face.  Some of these women are wives who want to know if their husband’s response is typical or to be expected.

From the other woman I might hear: “I would love to know what the guy I was having a relationship with said to his wife when she caught him.  I guess I might not ever get that information because he has cut off all contact with me.  He never came out and said it, but he let me believe that his marriage was lacking.  And admittedly, he never promised me anything, but I honestly thought that one day we would be together.  Once his wife caught him, he texted me, told me it was over, and insisted that I not contact him again.  It hurts and annoys me to be dismissed in this way and I would love to know what he said to his wife.  I am almost tempted to ask her myself.”

Please do not ask her or contact her.  She is truly the innocent party in this.  As someone who dialogs with many people in this situation, I can tell you a few scenarios that may have happened, especially considering the directive that you’ve gotten to stay out of the husband’s life moving forward.  Simply put, at least in my experience and observation, the majority of the time, men caught in the affair say things meant to try to save the marriage.  Once they are caught, they realize how much they have risked.  And their words moving forward attempt to minimize the risk, which I’ll discuss a little more below.

Excuses, Reassurances, And Panic:  Assuming that the husband has already made the confession or knows that he is caught, many husbands will initially try to minimize the affair.  They will tell the wife that it was very short-lived or even a one-time thing.  They will reassure her that it was a huge mistake that didn’t mean anything and that it is over.

This doesn’t mean that every husband is falling over himself to apologize.  Some husbands are indignant or even angry.  Some will try to posture in the hopes that their wife will back off a little.  But at the end of the day and once the smoke clears, many will say words meant to try to salvage their family.  Most of them have worked too hard and have too much invested in family life to throw it all away.  Despite their risky behavior, many of them will tell you that they never went into this intending to divorce.  They never wanted to lose their family.

I know that much of the time, the other woman really hopes that the husband goes in and insists to the wife that the affair was a “special” relationship that he doesn’t want to end.  Frankly, this doesn’t often happen.  When it does, the husband usually confesses the affair rather than being caught.  When he is caught, he was trying to hide it – which means that he was trying to keep his marriage going at the same time – that same marriage that he doesn’t want to lose now.   Much of the time, a caught husband is a husband who will scramble to figure out what is necessary for his wife to give him a chance to make it right.

What many people do not consider is that he has often spent a significant amount of time building a life and a family with his wife.  He’s not always just going to turn his back on that, allow his kids to grow up without a father, and take a huge hit financially.  I mean, some men might be willing to do this in order to stay with the other woman.  But in my experience, the vast majority do not.

Instead, they are telling their wives that the affair was an anomaly that will never happen again.  He is promising that he will cut off all contact and will place all of his focus on his family while trying to heal every one involved.  That could be why he’s told you that he wants no further contact.  He is trying to do the right thing and he is trying to make good on the promises that he likely gave to his wife.

However, these are just words.  The real test comes in the weeks and months ahead.  Because wives watch very, very closely in order to make sure that his actions match his words.  Of course, saying the right words are reassuring and nice.  But if the words are not followed up with action, they are pointless and empty.  But men who are truly motivated to save their marriages usually try to follow up their words with action.

I know that this may be a bit confusing.  But it is my observation that most husbands don’t intend or want to lose their marriages.  Whether or not the wife agrees to this is up to the wife.  But despite the fact that there is a perception that cheating husbands want to leave their marriage, many do not.  If it helps, you can read about how I dealt with this situation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Here is something that isn’t talked about a lot after an affair and is somewhat hard to understand:  Often, if you are the faithful wife, you want your husband to reach out to you.  This is true even if you know that you may not even want him.  Still, you want for him to want you.  Because this would indicate remorse, sorrow, and longing  This would help your wounded self esteem and would confirm that the man that you married is there somewhere.   Unfortunately, this sort of reaching out is not always so easy.   The wife may suspect that the husband wants to reach out to her, but for some reason, he doesn’t.  This can be because of shame, or guilt, or an inability to communicate after being caught in such an unflattering situation.  This leaves the wife wondering how to proceed.  She definitely doesn’t want to beg him to reach out to her.  (She shouldn’t have to do that, after all.)  But she wants some sort of reassurance because this might make her feel better.

So she asks: “is it normal for a husband to retreat after an affair because of guilt?  My husband says he’s sorry.  Or I should clarify that he writes that he is sorry.  He doesn’t talk to me directly about this.  He leaves me little notes or cards.  He tells me how sorry he is and says that he hopes that one day we can recover from this.  But then when we are physically together, he does not look me in the eye.  He does not try to touch me or hold me or even offer me any reassurance.  He just awkwardly stands there and looks at his feet like it’s the saddest time of his life.  A part of me feels sorry for him, but I also feel like he made this mess.  And he needs to clean it up. But I have my doubts that he is going to do that when all he can do is look sad and stare at his feet.  I want him to reach out to me if for nothing else than it will give me the option to reject him.  The other day, I got frustrated and I asked him if he were going to just sit there and be mute for the rest of our lives.  I asked him why he never says anything.  His response was that his guilt as paralyzed him and he doesn’t feel as if he has the right to speak with, interact with, or physically reach out to me.   He almost insinuated that he was waiting for me to take the lead, which frankly all but enrages me.  I have to tolerate his cheating and now I am stuck having to be the one who initiates everything when he is the one who cheated?  That hardly seems fair.”

You’re right. It doesn’t seem fair at all.  But it’s not uncommon. Unfaithful spouses can have a very strong and understandable fear of rejection.  They know that they deserve your anger and wrath.  They know that it’s very possible that the second they try to reach out to you, that they are going to be rebuffed – or even worse.  So they allow their fear to direct their actions.  In short, they are waiting for some sign from you to tell them that it’s “safe” or “appropriate” for them to reach out.  Whether or not the wife decides to allow this or not is up to her.  Some wives will choose to wait and see if the husband eventually becomes more comfortable or decides that he needs to go ahead and risk rejection.

Other wives will lose patience and will try to address it with something like: “I know that you’ve said that your guilt keeps you from communicating or reaching out, but I’m not sure that we can go on like this.  There’s not much for me to explain or to say as I am not the one who cheated.  So I can’t really take the initiative and I can not read your mind.   At the same time, if there is any remorse or insight that you need to share with me so that we can begin to make decisions about what we might want to do moving forward, now would be the time to share those.   It’s going to be very hard for us to make progress when you don’t communicate or express your wishes in any way.  I know that you say that you are guilty or afraid, but I think that you need to move past this and just buck up the courage because this is our marriage that we are talking about.   There has been an affair, so the desire for comfort and guarantees is not realistic here.   I have not been able to avoid feeling rejection and pain.  I don’t think it’s realistic for you to think that you won’t feel any discomfort moving forward.  If we don’t ever communicate, we probably won’t have a chance.  So it is going to be your decision if you want to continue to hunker down without reaching out to me.”

Wait and see how he responds.  He may tell you that he honestly felt that you didn’t want anything from him.  That’s where it gets tricky because you may be feeling conflicting emotions.  You might want the reassurance of him reaching out, but once he does it, you may not be completely comfortable with reassuring him.  There is often a long way to go before you can offer true reassurance.  So you don’t want to put yourself in a position where you insinuating that he has nothing to fear or that you’re offering guarantees.  But you want it to be clear that he should make the effort regardless.   And, as the faithful spouse, getting the ball rolling isn’t your responsibility, but if you want to give him a nudge by having a conversation, there is nothing wrong with this.

My husband did wait around for hints and gestures from me to give him the “go ahead” so to speak.  I wasn’t having this and had to spell it out.  I wanted and needed for HIM to take the initiative since it was his actions that caused all of the fall out.  He did eventually take responsibility and became very proactive and motivated. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  When you are dealing with a husband who has had an affair, its understandable that you would want for him to come home on time and each and every night.  His doing so would at least provide some reassurance that he’s no longer spending his night time activities with the other person.  Some would assume that a husband caught cheating would make a point to be home every night, but this is not the case for some husbands.  In fact some will insist that they want to save their marriages, but yet they stay away some of the time, giving varying excuses for the same.

A wife might say: “I honestly don’t think that my husband is continuing to cheat on me.  I believe that I have scared him so badly that he knows better than to cheat.  Still, he doesn’t come home every night.  He claims to stay with his mom and I’m pretty sure that this is true because when I talk to her, she will reference my husband being there.  I think that this is ridiculous.  I even told my husband that him not coming home looks suspicious and like he’s not committed.  He insists that he is committed, but always says that he is punishing himself by not coming home because he doesn’t think that he deserves to stay in our nice, marital home when he cheated.  So instead, he will suffer on the fold out couch at his mother’s.  I am never sure how exactly to address this.  On the one hand, I agree that he doesn’t exactly deserve every martial perk.  He certainly deserves to feel badly about what he has done.  At the same time, if he does not come home regularly, then I am not sure how we are going to work it out.  And yet, a few days out of every week, he will just not show up at home.  He won’t let me know in any way.  He just never walks through the door.  I’m not sure why he needs to pile on this additional problem when we already have some many.”

There are a couple of possible motivations for him.  But you obviously know him very well, whereas I don’t know him at all. So you would certainly be a better judge of his motivations.  It’s very normal for a man to be extremely angry and disappointed in himself after an affair.  It can also be normal to take that a step further and to want to punish himself or to deny himself any happiness.  However, some of the time, this “punishing” thing is actually posturing.   He’s hoping that you will ask or beg him to start coming home so that he will be in a better position moving forward.  To be fair, this may not be his strategy, or, even if it is, he may not even realize that he is doing it.  (Frankly, it’s natural for both parties to want reassurance and to want to feel better.   And his wanting you to ask him to stay home might be a reflection of this.)

But you get to decide if you just want to accept his rotating living arrangements or if you want to attempt to address the issue.  Him not always coming home is problematic because it leaves you unsure as to how he is spending his time at night.  That’s why I would suggest something like: “I hear you saying that you go to your mother’s to punish yourself.  But, I think that if you are being truthful or sincere about wanting to save our marriage, you need to choose another way.  I’m not accusing you of continuing to cheat, but when you just don’t come home over and over again, this could theoretically be read as suspicious behavior.  And it’s just not indicative of a man who is doing whatever is necessary to save his marriage.  I can’t promise that life will always be butterflies and sunshine every night that you come home.  But that’s part of committing to working it out, regardless of any guarantees.   Of course, where you go from here is up to you.  But I want to make it clear that your not coming home is a behavior that is going to be problematic moving forward.  Regardless of wanting to punish yourself, it doesn’t look like the behavior of a man who is sincere and who wants to take responsibility for his actions.”

I worded this carefully.  Because I didn’t want it to look like you were begging him to come home or reassuring him that once he did, you would be accommodating and wouldn’t press him about the affair.  In my experience, it’s unrealistic to make promises like that so early in the process.   But even this early on, both parties need to at least show some sincerity, good faith, and a willingness to deal with one another.  And his not coming home is not a great example of the type of behavior that you are looking for.

My husband did occasionally try to posture in order to get me to say or do something that would reassure him after I caught him having an affair.  Frankly, it didn’t work.  I didn’t have many reassurances for him at that time.  And I did not want to play games.  I had to spell this out, however, before he would quit. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from wives who are very upset with their husband’s changing behaviors after his affair.  Often, he will be affectionate and sweet one day, only to be cold and distant the next.   I heard from a wife who said: “after my husband admitted to an affair, he started sobbing and told me that his biggest fear was losing me and the kids.  He begged me to give him a chance to make this up to me.  I was hesitant but I don’t want to lose my family either.  So I told him we would see what happened.  He agreed to go to counseling and we have been going weekly.  It helps a little but our biggest problem is that he is hot and then he’s cold.  One day he can’t show me enough  affection and attention and the next day, he is distant.  And when he is distant, this makes me wonder if he is thinking about the other woman or having doubts about me and our marriage.  When I ask him why he acts this way, he tells me that he is doing the best he can and that sometimes he gets down about his actions and what he has done to us but this doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.  After I bring this to his attention, he will be attentive and loving again for a couple of days and then he’ll start creating distance and isolating himself again.  I’m just so discouraged by this because I don’t want to live the rest of my life with a husband who isn’t sure how he feels about me or our marriage.  Is this going to last forever?”

It often does not last forever.  And the reason for it doesn’t always mean that your husband lacks feelings for you.  I’ll discuss this more below.

Why Husbands Can Be Hot And Cold After The Infidelity:  Just for a second, I want for you to stop and take inventory of your feelings for the last couple of weeks.  Having been through this myself, I can tell you that I suspect there have been days when you’ve felt a little better and then there have likely been days where you have felt just horrible about your situation.  The same can be true for your husband.  He likely feels a good bit of guilt and shame for his actions.  This can cause him to isolate himself and brood.

And then perhaps something or someone (likely you) will lift his spirits a little bit and his negative feelings abate for a while.  And this is when you will see him being affectionate or “hot” toward you.   And then a little bit of self doubt will begin to creep in and thus you will see him begin to back off and go through his “cold” phase.  As frustrating as this can be, it can be normal.  But that doesn’t mean that it’s conducive to your recovery, which is why communication is so important, which leads me to my next point.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Has Swinging Emotions After An Affair:  There’s no reason to suffer in silence.  You can address this without being critical and without making things worse.  Don’t be surprised, however, if your husband responds that you too change your emotions quite often.  The next time you notice him cooling off, you might say something like: “I can’t help but notice that your behavior today is different than yesterday when you were very affectionate.  It makes me feel reassured when you show me affection because it tells me that you are still attracted and committed to me.  It makes me feel as if our marriage is worth fighting for.  But then you cool off and you seem as if you don’t want anything to do with me.  This makes me wonder if you are having second thoughts about us and that really hurts.  It would help if you could communicate how you feel when you isolate yourself.  I understand that we both have bad days when we’re trying to get through this.  But there are bad days, I still need your reassurance because if I begin to think that you aren’t really attracted or committed to me, then we’re going to struggle. Can I ask you to just stay connected when you feel the need to go inward?”

Hopefully, you can see that this script encourages you to ask for what you want and need, but it’s careful not be judgmental or accusatory.  You’re trying to find some common ground and you’re admitting that you’re having your own struggles so you understand that there are going to be some difficult days.  However, communicating and continuing to check in and attempt to connect with one another even when those doubts set in can make all of the difference.  Simply saying “honey, I’m having a hard time today.  Can we maybe go for a walk to just wind down before dinner?” can make a huge difference with how you perceive things.  Because if you can just touch base during the difficult days, misunderstandings are much less likely to happen and you will then be able to pick up when you’re both feeling a little better.  Over time, as you begin to heal, there should be many more “hot” days and many less “cold” days.

My husband and I both went through our emotional ups and downs when we were trying to recover from his affair.  Sometimes, when one of us would retreat the other would make assumptions that just weren’t true.  That’s why it’s so important to keep communicating.  Over time, as healing became more complete, the ups and downs diminished.  Today, there are many ups and very few downs.  If it helps you can read the story of our recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are completely perplexed as to why their spouse would continue to try to deny aspects of his affair when, for the most part, the truth is already in the open. Often, the faithful spouse doesn’t understand the need to keep lying when the farce is essentially up.

I might hear a comment like: “I caught my husband in an affair. I found his texts to one of his coworkers and I called the other woman. She had plenty to tell me and she confirmed the affair and even gave me some details. I confronted my husband and the look on his face was confirmation enough. After I repeatedly demanded more information, he confirmed that their relationship was inappropriate and sexual, but he is stopping short of calling it a full blown affair. That’s certainly not the impression that the other woman gave me. After I talked to my husband, I called the other woman back to get even more details. And every time I confront my husband about these details, there’s usually at least some of them that he continues to try to lie about or deny. I just do not understand this. Why would he need to continue to lie when I already know there was an affair and I can go to the other woman to get more details if I need to? is this man just incapable of telling me the truth?”

I obviously can’t answer this question from personal experience because I’m not a man who has cheated. I am a wife who have been cheated on. And I do hear from a lot of cheating husbands on my blog. So I have a definite theory on why a man would continue to lie about an affair when some of the truth has already come out. I will give more details about this below.

Sometimes, He Continues To Lie Because He Doesn’t Want To Face The Truth: It’s just human nature to try to minimize grief and pain, especially when you are the one responsible for it. If your husband still cares for you, then he’s going to know that the details of the affair are going to hurt you and cause you pain. So in his own mind, he may be lying (or at least omitting some details) in order to spare you some pain. Also, there is a chance that he could be in denial. Often, the idea of having to own up to his actions are overwhelming to him, so he may have some motivation to continue to deny or lessen the blow until that just isn’t possible anymore.

Sometimes, Lying Has Become An Addicting Habit: When people cheat on their spouses, they have to almost make lying common place, at least where the affair is concerned. It’s almost as if they build up an alternate reality in order to function in both worlds. And this becomes a habit that can be hard to shake. So, he may not be consciously lying just for the practice of it.  He’s just acting out of habit. He may not even realize that he is doing it because it has become a habit that he is going to have to very consciously try to break.

Sometimes, He Needs To Realize That The Lying Will Have To Stop If He Wants To Move Forward: Some men lie because they figure they will attempt to see just what you are going to accept from them or allow them to get away with. So, sometimes it is in your best interest to set the boundaries early on so that he knows he needs to become friends with the truth immediately.

A suggested script might be something like: “I hear what you are saying, but I have to tell you that I already have information that is contrary to this. The other woman has given me information that indicates exactly the opposite of what you are saying. I have to tell you that in order to heal and determine what I want moving forward, I am going to need the truth. If you refuse to give that to me, then I don’t see how our marriage has a chance. I won’t continue to be lied to. That is not acceptable to me. If you need time to think about this, that’s fine. But the next time we talk about this, I am going to expect nothing but the truth from you. And if I suspect that you aren’t telling me the truth, then I am going to work tirelessly to make sure that I have completely accurate information. And if I don’t feel as if I am getting it from you, then I’m going to have no choice but to look elsewhere. You can save us a lot of time, delay, and aggravation by just telling me the truth. I believe that I deserve that. And if our marriage is important to you, I’d hope that you respect me enough to look me in the eye and tell me the truth.”

I’d love to tell you that this speech is going to make your husband fall all over himself to tell you the absolute truth, but I can’t promise that. However, what I can tell you is that at least you will have made it clear about what you expect. And if he continues to lie, then at least you will have made that clear before you determine how to proceed.  Sometimes, once he truly believes that you are not going to allow him to continue to lie, he will have no choice but to tell the truth.

I’m sure my husband tried to posture in a similar way after his affair.  But I was very clear early on that this was not going to be acceptable.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: If you are a wife who is dealing with a cheating husband or an affair, I can reasonably guess that you’ve spent a lot of time lately trying to figure out what your husband is thinking and what has motivated his actions. This can be true even when the affair is over. If your husband abruptly declares the affair over and leaves any and all shreds of a relationship with the other woman, you can certainly ask yourself why.

Is it because he is caught? Is it because he has chosen you and wants to save your marriage? Is it because that the discovery of the affair has made it less exciting? Is it because the other woman broke it off? If you have never been through this yourself, all of these questions might sound a bit silly to you. But if your husband has had an affair, I’d suspect you’ve asked yourself at least one of these questions and maybe many of them. I know that I did.

One of the questions that I get asked a lot is why the husband abruptly breaks off the affair as soon as the wife finds out. Someone might say: “after doing a little digging about my husband’s affair, I was horrified to learn that it had been going on for almost nine months. The first couple of months were really just flirtation. It didn’t seem to be too serious then. But at around month three, the other woman started to demand more of commitment. She started to want my husband to tell her that he would one day leave me once our kids could handle it. From looking at the texts and emails, it is obvious even to me that my husband was reluctant to do this. But she kept pushing. And finally he relented. At around month six, my husband actually tried to break things off with the affair. He never mentioned me. But he told her that he did not want to break up his family because of the kids. That’s better than nothing, I guess. But the other woman would not let it go. She intensified her campaign to get his undivided attention. That worked for a while, but from the tone of the communication, it does appear that for the last couple of months, my husband was not as enthusiastic as he once was. Still, he kept right on going with the affair. He kept right on lying to me. Until I caught him. I can literally look at the communications and I can see that on the day I confronted him, he literally immediately cut it off. And although she’s tried to goad him into communication, he has ignored her. I am glad of this, but I do not quite understand it. And I don’t quite get why he would hold on to the affair for all of this time and then drop her the second that I found out. Because he still had the kids and myself to think about for all of those months. And not just on the day that I caught him.”

I get your confusion. But, at least the way that I see it, when a man is caught in his cheating, all of a sudden, many unpleasant realities become impossible to ignore. Suddenly, he realizes that he is not going to get away with this. He realizes that he won’t be able to fix this issue on his own and have it just go away without your finding out. (Because this is what many men hope – that one day they will end the affair and no one will be hurt because no one will find out.) He also realizes that despite his hopes, you are VERY hurt by the affair and very affected. In short, he realizes that his plan didn’t work and now he is going to have to pay some very dear consequences for his actions.

And suddenly, what is truly important becomes 100% apparent. Yes, he’s been flirting with this separation from the other woman all along. He’s been trying to back out of the affair. But now a real sense of urgency emerges because now he is on the verge of loosing everything. And he has the very abrupt and dramatic revelation that none of this is worth it. The affair isn’t worth the risk to those people he truly cares about. And finally he can say that he doesn’t care what tactics the other woman uses. Because he is really and truly done. There is no going back because now you know and you are going to hold him accountable if he continues on with the relationship.

In short, he has had to choose between the hope of saving his marriage and keeping his family or the affair. And he has chosen you. Of course, you also have a choice. His choosing you doesn’t mean that you have to choose him. You can weigh your own options as you watch his behavior, get more information, and gauge your own feelings.

But I hope that I have answered the question. Much of the time, the husband drops the affair and the other woman abruptly because he sees the writing on the wall and he sees his choice. And there is no need to delay. He knows that his choice is his family.

My husband chose his family also.  I wish I could tell you that things magically fell into place.  They didn’t.  We had to fight for our marriage.  But in the end, we recovered.  And we are still a family now.  I have never regretted that decision. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s not unusual for people to turn to their faith when something very upsetting happens in their lives and shakes the entire core of their existence.  An affair would most definitely fall into this category.  And some people who do reach out to me describe a spouse who has suddenly become very religious or even preachy.  This is often abrupt and somewhat new.  So the spouse who is witnessing this might not know what it all means or how to react.

Someone might say: “I can’t claim that my husband has never been religious.  His mother is very religious, which means that he attended church regularly when he was a child.  And, we do attend church on holidays and special occasions.  But as an adult, my husband has not been particularly religious.  This has all changed after his affair.  I will admit that he was extremely remorseful.  It was obvious that he was ashamed of himself.  He begged for my forgiveness.  I am still not sure if I am going to give it to him.  I have not kicked him out or filed for divorce.  But he’s getting nothing but the cold shoulder from me and I’ve yet to decide what to do about my marriage.  Shortly after I found out about the affair, my husband got out his bible and would read it for hours every night.  At first, I thought that this was mostly because he had little else to do – since I was ignoring him.  But he’s kept it up.   Initially, the reading was upsetting to him. He would read the passages about how God condemned adulterers.  Later though, he started saying that God has great forgiveness as long as you repent and admit your sins.  It’s as if he thinks that because he has remorse and God offers forgiveness, I too should forgive him.  I’m not ready to do that.  And part of me wonders if this is all just a prop.  But how can I tell a man that he can’t read his Bible?  It’s so frustrating how everything has changed.”

I agree that it wouldn’t be right to discourage him from finding some comfort in faith.  And honestly, his behavior isn’t that surprising.  Men who have affairs are vulnerable men who are often desperately searching for something to make them feel better about themselves.  So now that the affair is over, it’s no wonder that he’s still searching for something to make him feel better.  And it appears that he thinks that his faith is providing him with that.  And there is certainly absolutely nothing wrong with that thought process.  I’m no religious expert, but most religions do not take a favorable stance on adultery.  So I doubt that your husband is finding justification for his actions in his religious readings.

I think the bigger issue is that just because he is able to find the idea of forgiveness in religion, that does not mean that you are automatically obligated to forgive him.   His relationship with God and his relationship with you are two very different things.  Yes, it’s admirable that he’s looking for religious guidance, but he also needs to be looking for marital guidance.   He needs to take steps to do right by you.  The trust needs to be restored.  The marriage needs to be healed.  It is usually some time after these things happen that the wife is able to offer forgiveness.  Frankly, the healing and the rebuilding can take a while.  You need time to see that he’s going to do what needs to be done and that he can be trusted again.

If you’d like to address this, the next time he starts to share his religious findings with you, then you might try: “I am glad that you are finding reassurance in this and that you feel forgiven by a higher power.  That must be a relief.  But I’m not going to get that type of relief until I know that we are able to heal and that I am able to trust again.  We are a long way away from this.  We are going to need to do concrete things – perhaps with the help of an expert before I am going to be able to make any firm decisions.  I don’t mean to discourage you at all.  I’m glad that you feel that you are making progress and I hope that this continues.  But I need to make progress, too.  And in order to do that, I’m going to need for you to work very hard with me.  I hope that you are willing to do that.  I am willing to have an open mind, but I need action rather than just words and reading.”

If you decide to save your marriage, hopefully you can find a compromise.  He can continue to find comfort in faith.  But he also must take some concrete action.  Ideas and readings are nice, but they don’t always equate into decisive and forward action – which you need in order to heal after an affair.  If it helps, you can read about my own healing process  on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who are looking for possible motivations for a cheating spouse. Sometimes, the cheating spouses themselves are asking this question because they don’t quite understand what would drive them to risk a good marriage and a loving spouse to cheat. Other times, the question comes from the faithful spouse because they have been given an excuse that they are now questioning. An example of the excuse given is that of self sabotage.

An example of this type of concern from a faithful spouse is something like: “I found out last month that my husband has been cheating on me. He didn’t tell me about it. I caught him instead. He left his phone on the dining room table and the woman he was cheated with texted him. I was able to text her back with my husband’s phone in order to get the details. My husband scrambled when I confronted him. He said that he would end the relationship immediately. I wanted him to end the relationship. But I wasn’t sure that I wanted to stay married to him. I wanted to know his motivation for this. His excuse is that it was self sabotage. He says he messes things up for himself all of the time because he doesn’t think that he is worth anything. Is this a reasonable excuse? Or is he lying?”

From the cheating spouse, common concerns are things like: “I have no idea why I was stupid enough to cheat on my spouse. I had a good marriage. I love my wife. I have honestly never been happier. And then I have to go and wreck it. I always do this. When I get something good in my life, I always find a way to ruin it. Sometimes, I think that I must not deserve to be happy. Am I self sabotaging myself?” I will tell you my opinion on this in the following article.

Why I Believe That Self Sabotage Is A Plausible Explanation For Cheating: As a spouse who has been cheated on, it’s sometimes a challenge for me to remain objective about excuses given for cheating. However, I do get some correspondence on my blog and I can tell you that this is an extremely common explanation. It’s also very common for people to exclaim that their spouse is actually far superior in terms of looks and behavior to the person with whom they cheated. So the only explanation that they can come up with is that they didn’t feel worthy of their spouse and cheated with someone who was more like themselves with whom they felt a little more worthy or equal.

I have come to believe that most people who offer up this excuse are sincere. And often, if you look closely, you really will often find a pattern of self sabotaging behaviors. So I don’t think that this excuse is one that is without merit. But that’s where my agreement ends.

Why I Don’t Think Self Sabotage Is A Valid Excuse For Cheating: While I understand why self sabotage could be a contributing factor for cheating, I am unwilling to go so far as to accept it as an excuse. Why? Because we can all make a choice when it comes to our actions. When you cheat or have an affair, you have to make a series of choices in order to carry it out. You will often hear people say things like “I never intended to cheat,” or “it just happened.” But, in my opinion, cheaters often have several chances to choose another path before they actually cheat.

Think about it for a second. By the time someone actually has sex with someone else, think about how many times they probably have stepped over a line. Much of the time, they first flirt with the other person. Then, they spend more time than is appropriate with the other person. They start exchanging a series of phone calls and texts. There might be casual touches or encounters before anything sexual happens. Regardless, there are usually many chances that a cheater will have to say to themselves “maybe I’m starting to cross a line. I need to put a stop to this before it gets out of hand.” But they don’t do this. Instead, they jump over the line and they cheat. And they should be willing to own up to their own actions and choices. Because make no mistake. Cheating is a choice. Yes, self sabotage can nudge you toward this choice. But you are the one responsible for making it.

So to answer the question posed, yes I do believe that self defeating behaviors like self sabotage can be contributing factors toward a tendency to engage in risky behaviors like cheating. But I don’t believe that there is a valid excuse for cheating. That doesn’t mean that you can’t save your marriage and move past this if you want to. But part of recovery should be addressing this tendency toward messing up happiness. Because if you don’t address this, it will keep coming up.

When I first found out about my husband’s affair, he offered up all types of excuses.  But I made it clear that I saw these words only as invalid excuses.  I was very clear on the fact that he needed to own his own behavior.  Once he accepted this, the excuses stopped.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I realize that some people will look down on wives (or husbands for that matter) who choose to stay after their spouse has an affair. They think that the wives aren’t strong enough to leave, have no self esteem, or have chosen to just look the other way. However, as someone who has been there, I can tell you that this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, we are strong, capable, and brave women who make the choice, at least in part, because we are considering the well being of our family. And because we made a commitment that we are determined to keep.

Happily, many of us are able to restore our marriages so that our sacrifice does not become permanent. What I mean by this is that although we took a bit of risk with blind faith in the beginning, we were rewarded for this faith with a marriage that is mostly recovered and a choice / life about which we have no regrets.

I wish that I could tell you that this regret – free outcome happens 100% of the time, but it doesn’t. I do sometimes hear from women who made the choice to stay and now look around and have some regrets about the state of their marriage or their life. Here is one example. Someone might say: “I would do anything for my kids. If you want to know the most important thing about me – and about what defines me – it is that I want to be the best mother that I can be. I want my kids to grow up to reach their full potential. I want them to know that they are loved and valued over anything else in my life. I want them to have every advantage that I can possibly give them. My parents are divorced. So I firmly believe that living in a two-parent household is an advantage. And I want them to have that – which is why I stayed with my husband after he cheated on me. Yes, he promised that he would change. And to my knowledge, he has not cheated again. He has changed his lifestyle and does not go out much anymore. Still, things never went back to the way that they were. I still have anger and so our marriage never recovered. I see my friends and neighbors have these normal marriages. I see wives and husbands look at one another with happiness and intimacy. I see husbands who look adoringly at their wives and who would never dream of cheating. I want that. And I feel like I am missing out not to have it. I long for a relationship that feels equal and loving. My husband and I tolerate each other. Sometimes we laugh and share things – but it is mostly due to the kids. As far as intimacy that loving spouses in a happy marriage share – no, we do not have that since the affair. And I feel a big void because of it. At the same time, my hands are tied because of the commitment that I made because of my children.”

I’m not sure that your hands are tied quite as much as you think. And I’d like for you to consider that your children would never want for you to be unhappy or to feel stuck only for their benefit. And they may well feel what is going on. You’ve said that your husband made the effort to change his life and has not cheated again. At least he has shown good faith – which is a great start. You are not alone. Many couples save their marriages after infidelity – but what they fail to do is to rebuild it. You can’t expect to be happy or to just pick up where you left off until you rebuild.

The Importance Of Truly Rebuilding: If a hurricane came along and leveled your home, you couldn’t expect to live in it as before until it was fixed. If you tried to, you would be frustrated and you would struggle with the things that are still broken. Well, an affair is a marital hurricane. If you don’t fix it, you will be frustrated and will struggle with the things that are still broken.

Believe me, I know what I’m asking. I know that in many cases it can seem very difficult, if not impossible, to really fix the broken pieces. It can be a long term process. But don’t you deserve the effort? Don’t you deserve a marriage that doesn’t mean that you feel like you are missing out? You’ve already taken the difficult steps to save your marriage and maintain your family and that is very, very commendable. But why stop there? Why not keep going and do whatever you need to do to restore the intimacy? This might mean counseling. This might mean working on your physical relationship. This might mean educating yourself by reading up on how others have done what you want to accomplish. The point is, there are many ways to get to the same finish line. But you owe it to yourself and to your family to get there. Because yes, you want to give your kids a two-parent family. But don’t stop there. Give them a HAPPY two-parent family. Because you are modeling the marriage on which they are going to base their own. And you deserve to be as happy as anyone else. I believe that it is possible if my own experience is any indication. There were definitely large periods of time where I thought my marriage might never be happy or the same. It is NOT the same. It’s different – but in an almost better way. And it’s definitely happy. Getting here wasn’t always easy, but it was worth it.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who are struggling to place the blame for their husband’s affair.  Sure, they are furious with their husbands.  And they are extremely angry at the other woman.  But they save some of the anger for themselves.  Because they figure that the fact that their husband cheated on THEM means that somehow, some way, the fault must lie with THEM.

Here’s an example of something that a wife in this situation might say: “why am I not surprised that my husband cheated on me?  I have been bracing myself for this all along.  I gained some weight when I had my kids and my husband made it very clear that he was not happy about this, but I didn’t lose the weight.  I kept putting it off and I told myself that I would get to it eventually, but I never did.  Then my husband has repeatedly told me that I am too wrapped up in the kids and that I never seem to have time for him.  I heard what he was saying, but that is another thing that I figured that I would address in the future.  This makes me quite angry at myself.  He was basically telling me that there were some things that were making him unhappy.  He was giving me warning signals.  But I ignored them.  So now I realize that one of the people who I have to blame is myself. I’m frankly angry at myself.  I feel like a fat slob who prioritized her kids instead of her husband.”

Please don’t feel that way.  No one is perfect.  No one has the perfect marriage.  No one anticipates and meets every need of their spouse all of the time.  Well-adjusted adults do not have these unrealistic expectations of their spouse anyway.  Hasn’t your husband disappointed you at some point during the course of your marriage?  Have you responded by cheating?  My point is, none of us have the perfect marriage or a spouse who responds to every whim, but not all of us cheat.

I may be biased, but I believe that marital dissatisfaction is not a legitimate reason to cheat.  A person with integrity and a commitment to their marriage will keep approaching their spouse with solutions to fix the problem and to repair the marriage rather than just running away to pursue the next person who is available.  I say this because I want for you to realize that you do not have to hold yourself responsible for your husband’s choices.

Are your observations of your marriage valuable?  Of course they are. And whether you choose to save your marriage or not, you can certainly address them.  But there is a big difference between choosing to address valid points and in choosing to take the blame.  You are not to blame.  You did not choose to cheat.  The conditions in a marriage sometimes contribute to the atmosphere of cheating BUT it is the person who cheated that made the choice.  We all have stress in our lives and things that we wish were different.  But the choice is ours whether we are going to contribute to making those things right or if we are going to choose to recklessly tear those things down.  You did not choose to tear anything down.  You might choose to begin to make things right, but that choice should not be based on guilt, because you did nothing wrong.

I don’t mean to minimize the contributions of marital problems to an affair.  I don’t deny that they contribute.  But generally, both spouses make their fair share of mistakes. We all make mistakes. You should not beat yourself up for being a good and typical mother.  I’m sure that you were doing the best that you could for all involved.

You can’t change what has happened.  You can’t rewrite the past.  What is left to do now is to decide where you want to go from here. You may not be able to make that decision right away.  You may still need to gather information and see how you and your spouse feel moving forward.  But this is your decision based on what you want.  It should not be made based on your feeling that you did something wrong.  You did not.

It’s very common to feel that you are at fault for all sorts of things.  Women tend to want every one to be happy and they feel responsible when someone isn’t. Heck, I sometimes feel responsible if my children or my spouse have a bad experience when I had nothing whatsoever to do with it.  I am the person in my family who tries to handle the details and the experiences for those that I love.  So, when something affects my loved ones or makes them unhappy, I do feel responsible (even though I know that this is silly) and I do not think that I am alone.

But, my kids’ and spouse’s experience are sometimes based on random happenings and not a choice that they (or I) made.  That’s the difference.  An affair is a choice.  Someone else made the choice.  So that someone should take responsibility.  If you’d like to address your weight and the way you set family priorities moving forward, that is perfectly valid. But neither of these are valid reasons for the affair.  The affair was someone else’s choice.

I will admit that there were times when I was tempted to take on some of the blame for the affair.  But I decided that overall, I’d been a good wife and had always done the best job that I could.  Was our marriage perfect?  Absolutely not.  And I took responsibility for the imperfections, but not for the affair.  We BOTH made mistakes that left our marriage vulnerable.  But only one of us decided to cheat.  However, both of us had to work together to make our shattered marriage work.   You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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