Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It’s maddening when you want all possible information about your husband’s infidelity, but he just clams up. It’s pretty easy to figure out WHY he’s being quiet – he’s afraid that if he attempts to explain or to give you more information, you are just going to get more angry or use his own words against him. And it’s also easy to understand why you want the information – knowledge is power. The more you know about what happened and why it happened, the more you can make an informed decision – and, if you choose to save your marriage, information can ensure that it doesn’t happen again.

This lack of information makes many wives try to force the information out of their husbands – but this often backfires. He will either become angry or defensive and he will clam up that much more. So, not only are you further away from getting what you want, but you are dealing with a spouse who is even less willing to offer information than when you started.

Someone might ask: “how in the world do I get my husband to talk about his cheating and his affair?” He basically told me the basics about it because I caught him. If I had never caught him, there is no doubt in my mind that he would have NEVER admitted to it. And even now that I have caught him, he says as little as is possible. He will tell me the basics – who the other woman was, where it happened, and how many times it happened. But that is it. When I try to get specifics or I ask him why he would do this, he basically shrugs and says something very generic like: ‘honestly I do not have many answers for you. I don’t know why I did this. I don’t plan to do it again and that is pretty much all I can tell you. Insisting on more information is a dead end because I don’t have it.’ Why would he be so elusive about this? His clamming up makes me think that there is even worse information that he doesn’t want me to know – which makes me determined to find out all that I can. How do I get him talking about his cheating?”

That is definitely a challenge that many of us have faced. He has a legitimate reason to fear giving the information and you have a vested interest in wanting it. Many of us have resorted to picking fights in the hopes that he will spew it out just to hurt us – because at least then we would have the information. But honestly, this does not always give you truthful information. You’re just getting information meant to get a reaction. And that’s not exactly valid.

I know of two good ways to get him talking about the affair. The first is counseling. The second is self help. Counseling allows someone else to pry the information out of him. The counselor will need to know the details and will likely ask him for specifics pretty early on, at least in my experience. It will be much more difficult for him to refuse to answer the counselor because it will be made clear that the information is necessary. It is often easier for him to ‘confess’ to someone who isn’t you. And offering up the information in the counselor’s office allows a professional to help both of you process and take in the information when it comes out. Personally, I think that this is the best option for finding out what you need to know because you strengthen your relationship rather than continuing to damage it in this way. But I know that some husbands won’t go to counseling.

In that case, try self help. Many professional books and videos give you checklists and questions. Assuming your spouse agrees to the self help, it is common sense that he is going to have to answer / address whatever topic comes up in the self help. The upside with this is that even husbands who won’t do counseling might participate. The downside is that once you get the information, you don’t have a physical person there to help you with it. However, sometimes the self help does help to walk you through what might come up.

Know too that with the passage of time, people often become more willing to talk. He will usually see that you are not going to stop asking for this information, so he may as well give it. Honestly, withholding the information doesn’t lessen a wife’s anger. If you refuse to give her the information, she is just going to fill in the blanks. And sometimes, she will fill in with scenarios that are worse and more harmful than what actually happened. The faithful spouse deserves to have their questions answered. Most cheating spouses do come to that conclusion eventually.

Early on, there were some things that my husband was reluctant to come clean about.  But I kept at it at different times and in different ways until I learned what I needed to know.  Getting the information is just the beginning, though.  The key is what you do with the information.  You can read more about how I handled issues like this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch:  There is often an assumption that as soon as a spouse finds out that the other is cheating, all sexual and romantic contact stops for a very long time.   This DOES sometimes happen.  But it is not the case for every couple.  For some, it is difficult to halt every aspect of your marriage, (especially if you are not sure about the fate of  it going forward.)  However, just because you’re still being intimate, this doesn’t always mean that you feel great about it.  I sometimes hear from people who are a bit embarrassed and ashamed that they are still having sex with a spouse who was unfaithful.

Someone might say: “I’m ashamed to even be saying this out loud, but I am still having sex with the husband who cheated on me.  He claims that he broke off the affair and that he is being faithful now, but I have no way to know if this is one hundred percent true.   Honestly, sometimes I want to have sex with him because I want to feel as if everything is going to be okay.  And when he’s apologizing and we both get so upset, I want for us to both feel better.  However, afterward, I’m a little embarrassed about it and I would never tell my friends.  They assume that we are no longer sleeping together and won’t until we have saved our marriage and until my husband has made this up to me.  The thing is, we haven’t done much to heal our marriage yet.  We’ve been researching counselors, but we have not gone.  My husband has repeatedly apologized, but other than that, not much has changed.  So I know that I probably should not be having sex with him.  I know that theoretically, he deserves to be punished.  And I would be really ashamed if anyone were to know that we were still having sex.  But at this point, I would feel bad to stop since I didn’t stop right away.”

You always have the right to change your mind when it comes to sex and your own body. You are under no obligation to anyone.  It is your body.  And your choice.  Whether or not to have sex (or when) after an affair can be tricky.  My thoughts on it were always that if you can do it with an open heart, can feel good about it, and both people are perfectly willing, then it is probably not hurting anything UNLESS you are using it as a substitute for healing. So often, people will assume that if they are successfully able to resume their sex life, then their marriage is hanging in there, so they can forego important things like counseling and / or self help.  In my experience and observation, this can be a huge mistake.  Glossing over the issues means that one day, they may come back to haunt you and provide stress or trouble.

If you don’t feel good about the sex or if you aren’t 100% sure that your husband is faithful, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking sex off of the table for now, regardless of what you have done in the past.  You have every right to keep yourself healthy and safe.  And sleeping with someone who could be sleeping with someone else is risky.  So there is nothing wrong with holding off or hitting the pause button until you have complete confidence that he is no longer cheating and that your marriage has healed so that you don’t worry that he will one day cheat again.

These things do take time, which means that some couples do pause their sex life for a while.  Is this ideal?  No, but neither is infidelity.  And it can be confusing and painful to have sex when there is so much doubt and anger.  My rule of thumb was to wait until I was completely comfortable and very much wanted to resume sex because my mind was clear and without doubts.  This did not happen right away.  But I was glad that I did not rush it.  I felt that it was better to wait than to rush and have a bad experience or discomfort that would damage our marriage even more.

If you are ashamed and embarrassed, then this might be a good indication that you might need to reevaluate or at the very least have a very candid conversation with your husband about this to increase your comfort level. I understand being reluctant to have this conversation, as you likely don’t want to disappoint your husband or to experience any awkwardness.  But, I think it’s better to get it out in the open than to continue to experience the shame.  Your husband would likely rather you be honest than continue to feel conflicted about this.  The truth is, in my experience, you can’t continue to have decent sex physically if everything is not okay emotionally.  You need both in order to be able to give and to receive freely.  A spouse who truly cares about your well being would want to know about this and to make any necessary changes so that you can be comfortable and feel good about your joint decisions.  Continuing on without saying anything or making any adjustments is just unnecessary and may cause further damage and resentment.

Resuming my comfort with sex after the affair was a gradual process.  But I’m glad I didn’t push myself.  Because when I was sure, everything really did fall into place and some things even improved.  There’s more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives who find out that their husband is still actively cheating often lists “getting him to stop” as the most important goal.  This is true even if the wife has no idea if she wants to save her marriage.  Very few people are going to discover cheating and then look the other way or allow the cheating to continue.  Most people want the cheating to stop immediately – even if the future of the marriage isn’t clear. So the wife or faithful spouse may go on a crusade to demand that the affair end.  And when that finally happens, the wife might feel a tiny sliver of success – until she starts thinking about it too much – and worrying that the cheating might eventually start up again, especially given the uncertain fate of her marriage.

She might say: “for two weeks, I threatened my husband that if he did not end his affair immediately, I would not allow him to see his children.  He tried to delay and he begged for more time.  I would not budge.  I told him that there was no time to spare.  And I suspect he was begging for time because he was trying to delay, since he thinks that he has real feelings for this bimbo – which is laughable.  They have only known one another for a few months. He told me last weekend that he had broken it off.  I don’t interact with him much lately, so it’s not like I have watched his behavior.  I’m just too mad.  But last night I got up for a glass of water and he was down in the kitchen texting.  He said it was a text from his college-aged son.  But his face looked guilty.  And now I worry that since I’m giving him the cold shoulder, he is or will start up the affair again.  How often does someone stop the affair, only to start it back up again?”

That’s really hard to answer.  You might already know this, but if you do research on this topic, you can find information indicating that anywhere from as few as 22 percent of people repeat cheat or as many as 55 percent.  Statistics seem to vary on this topic.  But depending on which you believe, you’re looking at anywhere from one in four men to up to one in two.  Now, these statistics don’t tell us if the person cheated again with the original affair partner.  They only tell us if he cheated more than once.  That’s why I’d suspect that the numbers of people who are cheating with the same person more than once are on the lower range of that scale, but I can’t be sure.

As someone who has dealt with cheating, I completely understand why you want this information and why you want to know how likely it is that he will cheat again.  But I don’t think that you need to base your decision about your marriage on this information.  Many wives feel pressured to resume the marital relationship too soon simply because they fear that if they don’t, their spouse will simply go back to the other person because it is so easy.  I understand why this is tempting, but rushing in this way isn’t ideal, either.  You haven’t given yourself enough time to watch, to wait, and to process what is happening.  And frankly, if your husband does go back to the other woman, this gives you a great deal of free information about his motivations and about his commitment to your marriage – at least at that moment in time.  Jumping right back into the affair (or never stopping it in the first place) tells you a lot about his thought process.  If he can’t endure some much-deserved cold shoulder, then I’m not sure if he is going to act any differently no matter what you do or how much you walk on eggshells.  A man who is serious about saving his marriage will end the affair no matter what because it is the right thing to do.  Not all men make this decision immediately, however.  Some get caught up in the drama of the affair, only to come back to reality later, after the reality wears off.

There are no real guarantees in life or in marriage.  It’s impossible to have an iron-glad guarantee that your spouse will absolutely never cheat again.  In my experience, the best that you can do is to decide if you want to save your marriage and then work tirelessly to do exactly that.  Finally, you want a better marriage than you began with because this will give you the confidence that you can believe in your marriage again.  But none of these things can happen unless and until you figure out what your spouse was trying to achieve from having an affair and then figuring out a way to keep that process from happening again.

However, that is something that is usually decided in time.  There is no reason that you need to rush simply because you are afraid of him cheating again.  That doesn’t mean that you should not watch him closely and get every piece of important information that you can.  But if he is serious about making this right, he won’t start up the affair again.  Because it is common sense that doing so would mean that you might not give him a second chance.

I did decide to give my own husband a second chance and thankfully, he has never made me regret it.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch: A good deal of people who cheat do so for their own personal reasons. They do it to feel better about themselves in some way. They do it because they have poor impulse control or because they have allowed themselves to be involved in a tempting situation. Some do it because they think that it makes them happy. However, there are a few who do it solely to get a reaction out of their spouse. And sometimes, they are quite disappointed by that reaction.

Here is what you might hear from a wife: “I know that this might not sound all that plausible, but it is true. I cheated on my husband only to get his attention. He cheated on me years ago and I frankly never got over it. So when a man showed me some attention and wanted to have an affair, I thought: why not? And I made sure that my husband found out because I wanted him to know. I wanted him to feel the pain that I felt. I wanted him to wonder what was wrong with him and what would make his spouse turn to someone else. I wanted for him to doubt himself in the way that I doubted myself after his affair. But he literally kind of shrugged his shoulders and gave me the silent treatment. That is it. He didn’t threaten to kick me out or to get a divorce. He just got slightly annoyed and seems ready to move on. In short, he doesn’t seem to care all that much. I am honestly starting to think that my marriage is over. I was hoping to shake things up and get his attention so that he would realize how much he cares about me. But now it has become obvious that nothing I do is going to make him care. And I guess now that I have cheated, our marriage should just end.”

Only you can decide what is best for your marriage.  But I am living proof that infidelity does not have to mean the end of your marriage.  It’s actually not that uncommon for the faithful spouse to “revenge cheat” in order to teach the original cheating spouse a lesson or to show him how it feels. I do understand the thinking behind this, but I can’t think of one time that I have ever seen it work.

Fanning The Flames:  When your post-affair marriage isn’t what you want it to be, the best course of action is to go to the drawing board and get some help in order to heal.  Although I can see why it’s tempting, the best course of action is probably not to pour more fuel onto the fire – because now you have a bigger fire to put out.  After that raging fire, there’s more damage to heal.

Checking Your Assumptions: You’re assuming that your husband doesn’t care, but your basing that on a reaction which he could have been purposely keeping close to the vest. He may be fully aware that you have acted with the sole goal of getting a reaction, which might mean that he’s going to dig in and give you exactly the opposite – which is no reaction. He could be angry or sad inside, but he isn’t going to show you that, because he doesn’t want to give you the satisfaction, since your actions were obviously made with him in mind.

I’m not saying that his reaction is correct. I’m just bringing up the possibility in case you’re wrong in assuming that he doesn’t care. He may care very much, but he doesn’t want for you to see it because of the hurt pride that an affair brings.  And he may be unconsciously trying to punish you with his indifference, but you would be the best judge of that possibility.

That’s not to say that getting back on track is impossible. It isn’t. But both people have to want it. And both people have to work hard. The healing process after both spouses have cheated is basically the same as it would be if only one spouse had cheated. The difference is that now both people must be rehabilitated. Both spouses must understand what went wrong with their intentions and behaviors and they must change both in the future so that the cheating doesn’t happen again. You also have to learn how to resolve conflict effectively so that you don’t attempt to hurt your spouse when things go wrong. It takes patience and effort from both people, but it is possible.

Only you can decide what you want to do or where you want to go from here. But the fact that you wanted to hurt your husband in this way might be an indication that you are still somewhat invested. Only you know if this investment is enough to motivate you to want to seek healing and rehabilitation. But in my experience, that is the only way to move forward. If you skip either of those steps, you allow damage of the affair to linger much longer than it should.  And it’s in this festering that the desire for revenge comes up.  For my purposes, it was better to just do the work (which wasn’t always fun) so that we could eventually move on for good.  While wanting revenge is understandable, it really is just moving backward, which isn’t in your best interests. You can read more about the work we did on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch: Understandably, one of the most common issues a couple can have when trying to recover after an affair centers around sex.  Most people can understand why it would be awkward.  Your spouse has had sex with someone else.  There is anger, hurt, and doubt.  There is worry that the sex will be bad and what that might mean for your marriage.  The sex can also be emotionally painful and can bring about disturbing feelings during the act of sex.

For example, the faithful spouse may get images of their spouse having sex with the other person and have no idea how to chase those images from their mind.  Therefore, not only can they not enjoy sex, but they are being re-injured and hurt at a time when they should be present in the moment.  You might have someone say: “every time my husband and I have sex, not only do I see him having sex with her, but I experience it myself.  I become her.  It’s weird.  It’s like his hands will be in my hair, but in my mind’s eye, his hands will be in her hair.  In my mind’s eye, it is her with him and not me.  I am the one experiencing it in real life, but I see her experiencing it in my place.  And of course, it grosses me out and I want to stop right then and there, but I can’t do that to my husband. So I just close my eyes tight and I try to get it over with as soon as possible.  I know that this isn’t a great way to go about things, but what I can do?  Demand that my husband stop because I’m having stupid visions?  I would sound like I was crazy.  The subject of sex is awkward enough.  I need to know how to stop this from happening because it is going to get to the point where I’m going to start to want to avoid it and I know that this is not great for my marriage.  How do I stop?”

I can give you some pointers for that.  What you are experiencing is quite common.  But first, I want you to know that this isn’t your fault.  I notice that you use words like “crazy” and almost insinuate that this is your fault or that the responsibility for stopping it lies with you.  That really isn’t fair.  This would not be happening had it not been for the affair.  You are doing the best that you can.  And you may want to ask yourself if you are trying to have sex too soon.  If that is the case, there is nothing wrong with trying to get more healing under your belt before you try to resume that part of the relationship.

If you feel enough time has passed and you really want to continue on with sex, then you’ll want to try to redirect yourself when you notice your thoughts starting to wander.  Try opening your eyes and looking directly at your husband.  Try talking to him.  When you are staring at him, interacting with him, and / or talking to him, your mind is less likely to wander and therefore you are less likely to have those images.

Also, you can try to be very physically active with a high level of interaction and exertion.  The thinking here is the same as above – when you have to really think about what you are doing or are work hard doing it, then you don’t have the luxury of letting your mind wander because you can’t do these two things at one time.  The busier you can keep yourself, the less likely you are to be able to drift off.

Finally, I’m not sure that you want to continue to hide this from your spouse as if it’s your fault.  He may notice that you’re having a bad experience and he may think that he is doing something wrong.  Frankly, if you tell him and he is understanding and patient, this will make you feel loved and understood, which is exactly what you need to feel as though you come first, which helps those images to go away.

There is nothing wrong with you and this isn’t your fault. Often, not enough healing has taken place and so your doubts about the other woman come along at your most vulnerable time – when you are naked and being intimate with your husband.  Once you begin to heal, you will gain confidence in yourself and and in your relationship.  And as that happens, there becomes less and less room for anyone else in your head.  It really is such a relief when you are finally able to put the other woman where she belongs – which is no place near you or your loved ones ever again.

I used the changes to sex after the affair as an opportunity to spice things up.  As we healed and I became more at ease, I stepped outside of my comfort zone and it ended up being quite beneficial, but you should never rush this process or feel pressured.  Sex can’t be great if you’re not comfortable. There’s more at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch:  I’ve heard all sorts of excuses that husbands will give for having an affair.  Sometimes, even the husband knows that the excuse is pretty lame. He’s saying it just to have something to say.  (And saying anything can feel better than just staying silent.)  But one of the lamest excuses out there (at least in my opinion) is the argument that men just aren’t built or intended to be monogamous.  Interestingly, many men only float this theory after they have been caught cheating.  Many never uttered one concern about this when they were dating or considering marriage.

Nonetheless, when confronted about cheating or having an affair, this is the excuse that some men will give you.  A wife might say: “this is the second time that I have caught my husband cheating on me.  When I caught him the first time, he swore that he would never cheat on me again and I believed him. He carried on and begged.  So I was caught off guard when he cheated again.  The second time, he was not so remorseful.  In fact, he was a little bit defensive and this time, he tried to stand up for himself. He said that if you really think about it objectively, you will have to admit that men and human beings as a species are not meant to be monogamous.  He says that if you look at mammals in the world, very few mate with only one other person for life.  My husband maintains that humans are animals at heart and very few animals are monogamous.  He says that asking a man to be monogamous is asking the man to go against his very nature.  He says that it is just unrealistic to ask a man to go through his entire 70 plus year life expectancy and be faithful to one person.  Is he right?”

Well, if I were to answer this question, it would only be my opinion.  I think that if you were to ask ten different people this question, you might get ten different answers.  But I also think that you have to answer the question as it relates to you and your marriage.  No one else’s take on it should matter.  What matters is what YOU think and whether or not monogamy is important to YOU in terms of your marriage.

I personally believe that because human beings have different family involvement plus free will, you can not compare us to other mammals.  For other species, the father does not always participate in child rearing.  Few other species stay together as part of a family unit in the way that human beings do.   Because of this, I personally believe that it is important that the heads of that family (the father and the mother or the two parents) are faithful.  That is just my own personal take.  That is just what I want for my own marriage and my own family.  And I personally believe that human beings are capable of being monogamous because I have never had a problem with it.  I have never cheated on anyone or have even wanted to.  I know that I am not alone in this.  Millions of people are monogamous. Again, this is just one person’s opinion.

Your husband has presented his theory and belief to you and now it is up to you to agree with, debate, or reject that theory.  In addition, you could see if counseling or self work could help him to change his mind down the road. Sometimes, when people do not understand their behaviors and motivations, they will attempt to just find fault in their own “nature.”  But here’s the thing about human beings.  Unlike other mammals, we have free will.  We have the brain capacity to think about decisions before we make them.  We do not just operate on impulse.  We have the ability to listen to reason and to be influenced by our conscience.

I do not think that you need to make a decision immediately – unless you just want to.  You can certainly make it clear to your husband that you do not agree with or buy his theory.  And if you are not willing to live in an open marriage, you have every right to say so. You might try something like: “I have not yet made a decision about our marriage, but I can tell you this.  I don’t agree with you.  Human beings have free will.  We will live as families and it is in the best interest of families that parents are monogamous.  Not only that, but I do not want an open marriage and I have no intention of having one. I’m certainly willing to go to counseling with you to work on our marriage, but I am not going to change my mind about this issue.  I want a monogamous marriage.  I want a spouse who feels that this is possible for him.   I hope that you will eventually rethink your stance on this because I can’t see a circumstance where I  am ever going to agree.”

Once you’ve said your peace, you may have to wait and see what direction he takes.  Sometimes men will give you these types of excuses just to get a reaction.  They hope that you will take the bait.  In essence, they are just posturing but deep down, they likely know that you aren’t going to buy it.  They sometimes just test you to see how you will react.  Once you make it very clear that this thought process isn’t going to fly, he will either have to back off – or if he truly believes this, then he will have a decision to make.  But if you truly can’t live with an open marriage, then is no sense to pretend that you can.  And now is the time to be honest and to make that known.

My husband tried to posture some also.  But thankfully he did not try to make the monogamy argument.  My reaction would not have been favorable.  That was not an easy time for us.  We did eventually recover, but before we could, he needed to learn to take responsibility for his actions.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch:  Often, when people are carrying out an affair, they know somewhere deep in their hearts that they may one day be caught.  But they will often push these worries down.  Having an affair can actually be pretty stressful.  You can only handle so many things at one time, so it is sometimes easier to try to ignore the worries, while you hope and pray that this will never come to pass anyway.

Until it does.  Often, the question is not if you will get caught.  But when you will get caught.  And it is often not until you’re actually completely busted and until you have to deal with your shocked and wounded spouse that the full brunt of your mistake hits you.   It is only then that you realize that you might forever lose your spouse.  Never is this more apparent as when you are abruptly and without debate kicked out of your own home.  Things can happen so fast that there is very little time to process things, much less to look on the bright side.  When your spouse doesn’t want to live with you and hesitates to even talk to you, then you can begin to wonder if you are ever going to have any kind of chance with them again.

You might hear a cheating spouse say: “you know, I always knew that I might get caught cheating, which is why I did try to break off the affair many times.  I knew that something bad could come out of this, but I never expected that my husband would kick me out of the house.  To be fair, he has this right, as the home was his before we got married.  However, we have kids and I never thought that he would be willing to look after the kids himself.  His mother is helping out, which means that his mother knows what I did and will hate me forever.  So far, my husband allows me to see my kids as much as I want.  And as long as we are with our kids, he is very cordial to me.  But when the kids are not around, he becomes cold and shuts down.  The other day, I told him that one day I hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive me because I regret my actions so much and I know that this is all my fault.  My husband said that he’s not sure that something like this is forgivable.  He welcomes me into the house when I’m spending time with the kids, but not otherwise.  I’m starting to think that this might be a permanent thing and that just breaks my heart.  Is there any way that I might ever have a chance with him again?  I know that I messed up and I would not squander another chance if I received one.”

While I can’t predict what stance your husband might take, I can tell you that I eventually gave my husband another chance, even though he had an affair.  But I did not make it easy on him.  And I made him work for it.  Because I needed to know that if I trusted him again and allowed myself to be vulnerable again, that I would not be hurt again.  When you ask your spouse to allow you back into their heart and their home, you are asking for quite a lot.  Because the hurt that you feel from being betrayed in this way is not something that is easy to get over.  Nor is it easy to forget.

I can’t speak for your husband, but I would think that in order to increase the chances of him allowing you the opportunity to make this right in the future, you will have to show him someone who is remorseful and trustworthy.  Make the most of the time that you have with your family.  Make it very clear that you are invested and that you will take whatever he can give you.  Be patient.  He’s hurting.  And it will take time for him to heal. The last thing that he needs is pressure.  Instead, give him remorse, patience, support, and understanding.  If you show him these things – over and over again – he may eventually feel that it might be safe to believe in you again.  But it takes time.  And you have to be willing to stick by him even when he’s understandably angry, scared, and frustrated.

There was definitely a time when I felt relatively sure that my marriage was over and that I would never give my husband another chance to cheat on me ever again.  But my kids were a big factor in my being open to seeing what happened.  And my husband did the rest.  He made our marriage (and restoring my trust) his top priority.  He found us counseling and although I know that he didn’t like attending, he did so because he thought it might help.  He spent tons of time at home.  He stopped going out. And he was patient and supportive.  When I was angry and lashed out at him, he must have figured that he deserved it because he just allowed me to vent while offering more support.  I am sure that none of this was easy for him.  None of it was easy for me, either.  But because he hung in there and showed me that he was serious about our marriage, I eventually decided to hang in there, too.  That might end up being the case with you, but in order for that to happen, you have to make it clear that you are remorseful and that you will will do what it takes to make this right.  His allowing you access to the home is a good sign.  Now you just have to make the most of it.

I hope this article didn’t discourage you.  I’m honest about the fact that I did not make it easy for my husband to regain my trust.  But the gradual process meant that I knew that I could trust in it (and in him,) which was very important to me.  You can read more about how we recovered our marriage at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from people who greatly regret cheating on their spouse, partly because they are now living through a very difficult recovery period for their spouse, their marriage, and themselves.  Understandably, no one wants to be in this type of pain forever, so people are always looking for signs of improvement.  They are always looking for indication that better days are ahead.  That’s why I sometimes hear from people who ask me if they are seeing some signs that their spouse has “finally turned the corner,” at least where the affair is concerned.

Someone might say: “I know that my wife’s struggles are all my fault.  I had an affair and it is the biggest regret of my life.  My wife has always been very bubbly and happy.  She was always a joy to be around.  She was always confident and loving.  However, after she found out that I cheated, her outlook completely changed.  It was almost as if she were the victim of a crime.  She is normally a trusting person, but now she doesn’t believe anything that anyone tells her.  She is paranoid and angry.  She constantly lashes out.  I have tried to be patient because I know that these changes are because of me. She would be her same loving self if I had never had an affair. Last week, she went out with friends for a girl’s day of pampering.  She then had them all over at our home for lunch.  I wasn’t invited, but I did come into the house to get something and I heard my wife laugh the way that I hadn’t heard in quite some time.  It was the same deep, happy, belly laugh that is so typical of my wife and her love for life.  For a second, I thought that maybe I might have my old wife back.  But then that night, she was short with me again and she reverted back to her sour self.  Some of my friends say that her laughing with her friends was a good start and that maybe she will turn the corner soon.  I’m not so sure.  What are some signs that I might see when she starts to turn the corner?”

I will list some signs below, but before I do that, I want to urge you to have more patience.  As someone who has gone through this, I can tell you that a full recovery just takes time.  It is normal to feel decent one minute and then to slide down to despair again the next.  If your wife is getting some relief with her girlfriends and is able to laugh in the presence of her friends, then encourage her to continue on with this.  Encourage her to do whatever brings her the slightest bit of relief.  I can tell you that she wants to “turn the corner” every bit as badly as you want her to.  She wants to feel like herself again.  I can almost guarantee you that she hates feeling so angry and suspicious. She most certainly wishes that she wasn’t having these foreign, negative feelings that don’t even begin to align with her normal personality and outlook.  From experience, I can tell you that this is like living in a stranger’s body.  It doesn’t feel at all comfortable.  So believe me when I say that your wife is likely just as desperate as you are for things to feel normal again.  But they can’t feel normal until some healing has started to take place.  And this is where you can help your wife.  If you have not sought counseling or found some good self help, I would strongly advise this.  Infidelity is too complex an issue to work out on your own.  Coming up with the plan and putting that help into place is something that you can do in order to help her.  Don’t wait for her to do this, when she already has so much on her plate.  Also, do whatever you can to prove yourself remorseful and trustworthy.  She likely has a huge amounts of doubts and fears right now, so anything that you can do to offer reassurance might help.

As far as turning the corner, her laughing spontaneously is certainly a good sign, but you eventually want to see that laughter shared with you.  And you want to see her willingly planning things that the two of you can do and can genuinely enjoy together.  I have to caution you not to expect too much too soon.  Asking her to just immediately trust and to allow herself to be vulnerable after she’s suffered this huge blow just isn’t realistic.  But the more patient and supportive you are, the more willing she might be to begin to move toward healing.  The last thing she needs, though, is someone always scrutinizing her progress or worrying that she isn’t recovering quickly enough.  She will heal in her own time.  You can help speed that along (at least somewhat) by offering support and seeking out help that she is comfortable with.  You can be patient when she has bad days, because it’s completely normal to have plenty of those.  And you can celebrate and reinforce the good days so that in the future, you will start to see the good days outweigh the bad days – so that the bad days eventually fade into the background.

I hope that I didn’t come off as insensitive, but I am trying to get you to see things from your wife’s point of view.  If my husband had urged me to “turn the corner” as soon as possible, I might have thought that he was more concerned about feeling normal again than he was about me.  I might have gotten the wrong idea and resented this.  You will never go wrong when you show your spouse that you care more about their wellbeing than anything else, at least that was true in my own case.  You can read more about my recovery  at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, you really wish that you could just quiet all of the voices in your head after your husband’s affair. You wish that you could shut up the voice that ask you how you could have missed the signs. You wish that you didn’t hear the voice that asks you how you could be caught so blindsided. But what you’d really like to go silent is the voice that is taunting you with the idea that one day, just about the time when you gain confidence in your husband and your marriage again, that’s about the time when he’s going to cheat again and you’re going to have to repeat this process. You don’t want to hear these voices, but you don’t know if it’s prudent to ignore them, either. After all, aren’t you supposed to listen to your instincts? Don’t your instincts serve you?

Someone might describe it this way: “my children don’t know why I’ve asked their dad to leave our home. But they are devastated that, at least for a little while, their dad is sleeping elsewhere. I’ve tried to play it off like he’s just visiting his family, but my children are not that naive. They know that something is up and this upsets them. They know that their parents are struggling and they want their family back. In the meantime, my husband calls every night to say goodnight to the children. After he talks to them, he asks to speak with me. During every conversation, he asks me to give him another chance. He says that he will never make so big a mistake again. He says that he loves me and will go to counseling or do whatever I want him to do. Part of me is tempted by this. But another part of me is so appalled by the fact that my husband was carrying on this very long-term and apparently serious affair and I had NO inclination whatsoever. I never had one suspicion. I thought that we had a great marriage. So I don’t trust myself to see the signs if he were to cheat again. And I never want to go through this again. I don’t necessarily want to end my marriage. But I also don’t want to take the risk that I will be cheated on again. And am I just supposed to ignore the voice that is telling me that he’s going to cheat again? He’s always been a flirt. For all I know, this isn’t the first time that he has cheated on me. I’d like to think that we can recover, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to quiet the little voices in my head. Am I just supposed to ignore these voices? I worry that ignoring them is what got me into this mess in the first place.”

You Don’t Always Need To Worry About A Long Term Decision In The Short Term: I had the same worries, and I definitely don’t think that you need to ignore the voices. But I can tell you that the voice may tell you that your husband could be cheating again when he’s definitely not. Because it’s normal to have some paranoia and to expect the worst for a while. That said, I don’t think that you need to make a firm decision right away (or during any set period of time) anyway. I basically told my husband that I was going to wait and see how I felt from one day to the next. I’m sure he didn’t love this slow pace, but his actions made it necessary. And that is just the way that it needed to be. There is nothing wrong with telling your husband that you will take him up on his offer to go to counseling and then you will see how you feel after you’ve given the counseling time to work. You don’t have to give him an answer right now. My husband and I definitely interacted for the sake of our children, but he knew that I was making no guarantees for the long term – especially in the beginning.

Know That You Can Always Reevaluate At Any Time: As time went on and I came to see that my husband was doing exactly what he promised and was acting in a completely trustworthy manner, then it became more obvious that we were both committed to a long term future. Did I still have doubts that he would one day cheat again? Maybe some of the time, but not nearly as much as I did in the beginning. I figured that a man would not go through all of the effort and time that my husband had put forth if he only intended to sabotage his marriage once again. And every time I did have those paranoid thoughts, I would tell myself that since my husband had proven to be trustworthy on each and every promise that he had made after the affair, I was going to trust him. The second that I caught him telling even a half truth, then I would reevaluate. Thankfully, this never happened. He has always made good on his claims moving forward. So I have always made the conscious decision to trust him. If he gave me a reason not to, then I would reevaluate. If there was a nagging voice that just kept making itself heard, then I would listen and I would discuss it with my husband. But I am also aware that doubts are very common in the beginning. They only begin to quiet once you’ve begun to heal. And once you’ve basically fully healed, they become much more rare.

I hope you get the idea.  You’re going to have those doubts in the beginning.  They are unavoidable.  In time, they begin to quiet as you make progress.  And you might get to a point where you want to make the decision to trust. But you never have to turn a blind eye to or not listen to your own instincts.  You can always reevaluate as needed. I’ve never regretted saving my marriage after the affair, but I would never ignore any serious doubts either.  There’s more  to read on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lerch:  One of the worst things about the time period after learning about an affair is the fact that the process can change the way that you see yourself.  If this isn’t bad enough, you can perceive that it can also change the way that others see you.  A wife might perceive that well-meaning friends and family members now make judgements about herself and her marriage.  For example, she might say: “I really regret that some of my friends know about my husband’s affair.  If I had a choice, they wouldn’t know and I would not have told them.  Unfortunately though, I was with them on a weekend getaway when I started to suspect my husband of cheating while I was gone.  So they have been with me during every step of this process.  I leaned on them too much in the beginning and I shared too much.  I was struggling a lot during those early weeks and I cried on everyone’s shoulder and went on and on about how unfair the situation was and how things would never be the same again.  They supported me during that time and words can not express how much I appreciate it.  I love them all.  At the same time, things have started to get better for me.  My husband and I are doing better, but more than that, I am doing better on a personal level.  I’ve started running again.  I’m taking a class that I’m excited about.  I’m starting to like life again.  But when I am with these particular group of friends, they bring me down because they want to harp on the affair.  And they still treat me as though I am breakable and pathetic.  We had lunch the other day and one actually gave me a sad face when she talked about my husband and asked about my marriage.  When I try to reassure them that things are better, they give me a look as though they think that I am just trying to save face.  It’s getting to the point where I almost can not stand to be around them.  I almost can not stand their pity anymore.”

I agree that people’s pity can almost feel condescending at times.  I used to feel like some of my friends were really smug about their stable marriages when I was going through this myself.  Honestly, it used to turn my stomach, but I was probably not thinking rationally.  Looking back now, I believe that some were smug and some were not.  That was a really hard time for me and I probably projected some of my own frustrations onto some of my friends, who truly cared about me, even if they didn’t know the best way to support me at the time.

Admittedly, I have a bit of hindsight behind me, but looking back, I can say that if someone is willing to support you in the hard times, it’s worth it to try to maintain that friendship, even if you have to set new boundaries.  I’d hate to see you start to avoid these ladies (who sound like decent, supportive people) when perhaps you could clear the air and start over.

The next time you are together and you start to get the “pity” vibe, you might try: “listen, I need to say something and I hope that you take this how I intend it.  I am so grateful of all of your support.  But I am moving on.  I want to leave that behind.  I don’t want or need for anyone to feel sorry for me.  I’m in a good place.  I am excited about life moving forward – wherever it may lead.  I want to look forward and not backward. So from now on, I’m going to ask that we talk about issues that look forward in a positive way.  I don’t want to dwell on the painful past.  I don’t want to feel like I’m always being pitied or that you’re constantly having to worry about me, although I’m touched at how much you care.  So can we please change the tone and be nothing but upbeat moving forward?”

Hopefully, they will easily get the message.  They likely know you very well and can read between the lines as to what you are trying to get across.  I can say from experience, though, that sometimes people do forget your request and you will have to change the subject at times and remind them not to “go there.”  But honestly, the more that they see you happy, thriving, and coping, the less likely they will be to continue on with the pity.  When you make it clear that you don’t need or want it, then hopefully they will follow your lead and just drop it.  No matter if it is coming from a place of love and concern, it does definitely get old – feeling as you are living under a dark cloud of pity all of the time. Statistically speaking, though, one of them will likely have an issue come up in the future where you can return the favor and support THEM – since you will hopefully have long moved on.

I regretted confiding in a few people after my own husband’s affair.  There were some that seemed to love misery and drama.  Long after I had moved on, they still wanted to talk about it.  For the most part, I was able to redirect them by being frank, although I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I did move on from a few friendships because of this. Luckily, these were not particularly close friendships to begin with.  I looked at this as part of the recovery process.  Defining what I wanted and needed was really healthy and empowering for me,  although it was difficult at the time. There’s more  to read on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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