Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: There is an inclination when you are dealing with infidelity in your marriage to play things close to the chest. What I mean by that is that even if your spouse cheated and you did nothing wrong, you still feel as if you don’t want other people knowing your unfortunate personal business. Having everyone know that your spouse cheated on you is not something that you will typically want. And so you limit this information to only your very closest family and friends (and sometimes, to no one.) That’s why it can be very frustrating and maddening when your spouse goes and blurts out details of the affair to anyone who will listen.

Here is what you might hear from someone explaining this. A wife might say: “honestly, in the three weeks since I found out about my husband’s affair, I have barely left the house. I have been so upset. It is like my world stopped. But, life has to go on. My kids still have to go to school and be fed. And we were completely out of food. So yesterday, I ventured to the grocery store. I admit I looked awful. I was praying that I would not see anyone who I knew. And of course, this meant that I would. I actually ran into the wife of one of my husband’s coworkers. I actually pretending to be texting on my phone in the hopes that she would not approach me. But no such luck. She came right up to me and told me that she was so sorry to hear about myself and my husband. I was going to ask her what she was talking about before she blurted out that she would never peg my husband has someone who cheats. I could not help myself and I asked her how in the world she knew about all of this. She told me that my husband confided the whole sad story to her husband while both men were at work. I was honestly tempted to just leave my groceries and flee and I would have if there had been any groceries in our home. As it was, I excused myself, bought only the bare necessities, and got out of there as soon as possible. As soon as my husband got home, I confronted him. Not only did he admit that he’d told his coworker about the affair, he announced that he’d told his family and some friends. He says that this is part of his life and he shares his life with people who are important to him. He says that he was just looking for advice and support. I told him that he is NOT to go talking about the affair anymore. He said that he is the one who had the affair, so his discussing it is no reflection on me. He said that I can choose not to tell my friends, but I can’t control his talking about it. I feel that his making these types of announcements are insulting and disrespectful. I don’t want everyone knowing my martial business. And I feel like everyone is now going to know that I couldn’t keep my husband happy. These are judgements on me. How can I make him stop running his mouth?”

I am not sure that you can “make” him do anything, but you can certainly appeal to his sense of commitment, decency, and common sense. I don’t blame you for not wanting the whole world to know about the affair. It is no one’s business.  None of us wants to be the source for someone else’s gossip. With that said, none of this is your fault. If your husband chooses to blab to everyone, that is really on him because this is his mistake, not yours. The people who he is confiding in may not be making negative judgements about you at all. They might be feeling empathy. But, regardless, you can’t take this back or turn back time. This is done. What you can do is control who YOU do or do not confide in. And you can ask your husband once again to use discretion.

I think it may help to appeal to his sense of protectiveness. Perhaps you could try something like: “I know that in your own mind, you were just looking for a sounding board and for support. I know that you didn’t anticipate for your coworker to go and tell his wife. But think about how that encounter made me feel.  And think for a second about how many people his wife potentially told. And then those people could turn around and tell their friends. Dealing with this is hard enough without worrying about everyone knowing my struggles and making judgments about our family. I am requesting that you ask your confidants not to repeat this information. And I am asking you not to share details of our marriage with anyone else. If you need support or advice, please let’s both get it from a counselor. I have not told other people so that you don’t have to be confronted in the way that I was at the grocery store. I know that you can’t take back what has already happened. But please, don’t continue on in this way. Because if you do, then I will be confronted with this again and it makes me uncomfortable at a time that is already very painful for me.  I don’t want for the kids having to deal with this, either. Can you keep this between us and within our own home?”

Hopefully, when you put it this way, he will be able to empathize with your point of view. To be fair, he was likely looking for support for (and input about) his mistake, which is normal. He likely didn’t count on your being confronted at the grocery store. He likely didn’t consider how this might affect you and his children. Now that he sees that it has affected you greatly, he will hopefully stop.

Dealing with third parties is just one of many things that you have to deal with in the aftermath of infidelity.  Take it one day at a time and be very kind to yourself.  None of this is your fault.  Try to focus on healing and not on what other people might think.  In the grand scheme of things, you have bigger issues to deal with right now than the opinions of others.   If it helps, you can read more about how I handled the aftermath of the affair on my blog at  http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s very confusing when the man that you love repeatedly denies the affair that you strongly suspect and yet asks to “move on” or requests “forgiveness.”  This can leave you wondering what, exactly, there is to forgive or to move on from?

Someone might say: “I am almost one hundred percent sure that my husband has been cheating on me.  Three different sets of friends have seen him out with the same woman.  When the first friend came forward, my husband denied it totally and said my friend must have been mistaken.  However, when the other two people came forward on two separate occasions, my husband admitted to being out with someone, but insisted that she was a co-worker and that they were discussing business with nothing inappropriate happening.  So I asked him if it was all so innocent, why did he not mention it to me?  His response was that he didn’t know that he needed to make an announcement to see a coworker.  He also said that he didn’t think that he needed permission like a child.   His tone made it sound like I’m the one in the wrong.  After we had this conversation, we had a few weeks where things were very chilly between us.  Frankly, I just don’t buy his explanation.  I honestly do think he’s having an affair.  Even if ‘the sightings’ with the other woman had never happened, he’s been acting weird and distant outside of that.  So I fully expected for my marriage to start to crumble.  But about three weeks after I confronted my husband, he told me that he wanted to move on and that he wanted to be forgiven.  I sarcastically asked him what he wanted to be forgiven for, if there was nothing inappropriate and he felt that he didn’t need to ask my permission. He then admitted that things would be easier if he had told me about the coworker, so he’d like to be forgiven for that.  Part of me would just like to do exactly what my husband asked and move on.  I want things to go back to how they were.  But another part of me thinks that he’s getting away with something and that if I ignore this, I am ignoring all common sense.  By the same token, if he is innocent, then I don’t want to wreck my marriage.  Should he be forgiven if he refuses to admit the affair?”

Well, let’s take things one thing at a time.  He has admitted to dinner with the other woman at least twice.  He most likely did it three times, but didn’t exactly tell the truth the first time that this came up.  You can and should address the dinners with the other person.  Even if you assume that it was all innocent, he should have told you about it.  He would certainly want you to tell him if the roles were reversed.  It is up to you whether or not you think that he has done enough to earn forgiveness for either an omission or  lie (depending on how you are looking at it.)

As far as the affair, I don’t think that you can forgive something that he hasn’t yet owned up to.  Affairs have a way of being discovered, though. So I think if an affair took place, the odds are in your favor of finding out eventually.  The question, then, is what do you want to do in the meantime?  Only you can decide if you want to participate in your marriage as before or if you want to explore the mistruths and omissions a little more.

My suggestion would be this:  He’s admitted to behavior that isn’t quite honorable and this has hurt you and probably changed your marriage somewhat.  These set of circumstances would make counseling wise.  Ask him if he’s willing to go to counseling to strengthen your marriage.  I’d suspect that any good counselor would ask follow up questions, which is even more reason that the affair would eventually come out (assuming that it happened.)

If there was no affair, well, any marriage can benefit from counseling.  You will be relieved, your marriage will be strengthened, and you will have the reassurance that your husband cared enough to go to counseling for the sake of your marriage – even if there was technically no affair to admit to.  Either way, his agreeing to counseling is a good sign – because it indicates that he wants to save or strengthen your marriage regardless, or that he has nothing to hide.  If you are both against counseling, then ask him to participate in some self help resources.  You want to at least see that he’s willing to work on this with you in some capacity.

My husband did finally admit to everything in the affair.  And we found both counseling and self help resources helpful.  There were times when he did drag his feet about coming clean when I asked for specifics, but I made it very clear that I couldn’t move on until he did.  You can read more about our recovery on my blog at  http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch:   Sometimes, after the affair is over and you are trying to piece together exactly what happened, you have the opportunity to go over evidence.  Sometimes, this evidence comes from places that you wish it didn’t – like spying on the other person in the affair, who you wish that you could just ignore.  Still, this scenario can leave you with a dilemma.  Do you consider or accept the fruit from the poisoned tree, so to speak?  Or do you muddle forward on your own and ignore the evidence that is right in front of you, which may or may not actually make things more clear?

Here’s an example.  A wife might say: “I think that the other woman probably does not want to accept that the affair is over.  After my husband confessed everything and begged me to save our marriage, I started getting facebook messages from her, which I completely ignored.  I want nothing to do with her.  Then she actually had the nerve to come to my house.  Before I slammed the door in her face, she told me that she had something that she knew that I would want to see.  She told me that she had all of the text messages between my husband and herself saved onto her phone.  She said that she would be more than happy to let me read them and that this would show me that my husband was the aggressor and that she was the one who broke it off.  She said that he’s only trying to get back with me now because she ended it.  However, she hinted that now she might be changing her mind and she might choose to take him back. This leaves me very confused because my husband seemed convincing in his claim that he was done with her.  Her confidence and snide remarks made me angry and I slammed the door in her face and told her I didn’t want anything of hers.  But now I’m starting to rethink things.  I’m starting to wonder if I want to see those texts.  I mean, this will lay out everything for me and tell me how it happened.  I know that it might be painful.  But I think that I want to know the truth.  I don’t want my husband to be able to lie to me and get away with it.  At the same time, I was contemplating saving my marriage.  And I worry that is going to cause irrevocable damage, so I’m not sure what to do.”

I understand wanting to have all of the information available, but I would be leery of anything provided by the other woman.  I doubt that she is going to show you any texts that paint her in anything but the most flattering light.  There well may be texts where the husband is showing doubt or breaking things off, but those have probably been deleted, leaving only those that are most damaging and that serve her best.

If you have any interest in saving your marriage, I would suggest telling your husband the truth about her offer.  Then, just be honest.  Tell him that you want the information that the texts contain, but you hesitate to deal with her.  Ask your husband if he has any texts.  If you REALLY want them, I think that the best place to get them is from your husband because he is less likely to doctor them, and it is him with whom you want the ongoing relationship – not her.  Hopefully, this will inspire your husband to give you more of the information that you need and you won’t need to allow the other woman into your life – because in my experience that is the last thing that you want to do if you are looking to save your marriage. Also, think about her motivation.  Why would she seek you out?  Just to be a good Samaritan?  I doubt it. She either wants revenge, she wants to hurt someone, or she has her own agenda. Make no mistake.  Offering up the texts serves her.  It probably does not serve you.

As far as reading the texts (his or hers) I think that we are really talking about two categories of information.  I think that it is potentially helpful to get information that allows you to generally know what you are dealing with.  But it is hurtful to get information that is going to put pictures or mental images in your head that make it even harder to eventually move on.  If you have a counselor, I’d strongly suggest taking this issue to that person.  He or she can help you navigate when is the right time to read the texts and then help you process your reaction to them (if you choose to go that route.)

I can’t imagine that reading them won’t initially make things worse.  So you may want to wait until you feel strong enough and until you’ve made a little progress with processing what you want to do with your marriage.  In short, I think that if you truly feel that they will give you the information that you need, you should read them in a very controlled way, at the right time.  But if all they are going to do is cause hurt and backtracking, then I think that it is best to get the information in another way.  If your husband agrees to be very honest with you, then you can likely get the same information contained in the texts, but this would require a great deal of cooperation.

In my own experience and observation, allowing the other person to control your access to information is never a great idea.  She is concerned with her own agenda, not with yours.  And she would love nothing more than to have this type of control over you.  I have to think that there is a better way.  You can read about my own struggles after the affair at  http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch:  Much of the time, the people that I dialog with are one part of a married couple who are dealing with infidelity. Occasionally, though, someone who is actively having an affair (or trying to keep one from ending) will reach out because they need help figuring out someone’s motivations or thought process.  For example, perhaps a husband is trying to break off an affair and the other woman doesn’t buy or understand his reasoning for this.

She might explain a situation like: “I had an affair with a man who I adored for over seven months.  I know that this is a cliche, but I really did believe that he was going to leave his wife for me.  I truly did believe that he loved me.  He seemed very into our relationship and was full speed ahead until his wife unexpectedly found out about us.  After that, everything crumbled.  I guess his wife didn’t take it very well and somehow his older child found out and became very upset.  For a while, he tried to reconcile with his wife and told me to stay away.  I don’t know how it went between them because he wouldn’t take my calls.  But I can only assume that it didn’t go as expected because last week, he called me again. I got all excited.  We went out to dinner and I thought that it was going well.  I thought that we would end up going back to my place and that one thing would lead to another.  But when I suggested that, he told me that he’s decided that he needs to take a break from relationships for a while.  I literally laughed at that because he never turned down anything physical from me.  He said that he was going to take sex out of the equation with all women for a while.  This just isn’t like him, so I figured he must be doing well with his wife and is sexually happy in the marriage.  But if that is the case, why have dinner with me?  Since then, he stopped taking my calls again and one of my friends said that she saw him with his family.  I almost wish that he had never called me.  I don’t get the purpose of it.  Why would a man even want to be celibate?  Is he lying to me?”

I have no idea if he is lying.  It seems quite clear that he may be struggling somewhat with how move on with his life.  But, in light of the fact that he didn’t have any physical relationship with you once he ended the affair, it DOES seem as if he is indeed trying to move forward regardless.  This may or may not include trying to save his marriage.  And frankly, that is his business.  Every one can understand a parent wanting to maintain their family after their child becomes understandably upset.  We have no way of knowing what the wife wants, but again, that is no one’s business but hers or the family’s.

The truth is, married men will say or claim all sorts of things in order to end an affair in the cleanest, least painful way as is possible.  I have no idea if he is celibate or not, but he seemed to use it partly as justification for breaking things off and insinuating himself from a physical or sexual relationship, which tells you that he’s being truthful about the relationship being over and about him turning his attention to his family.  I know that it’s painful, but I don’t think that you can fault him for wanting this.

Don’t you deserve a relationship where the other person can have a complete relationship with you, that doesn’t need to be hidden or based on guilt?  Don’t you want a relationship where the man is free and happy to have a physical relationship and isn’t claiming to be celibate?

This man may well feel the need to take a break from romantic relationships or even from sex, but that is just one more sign that everyone might consider moving on.  There seems to be very little pay off here and all kinds of pain.  I am admittedly biased, but it seems to me that the obvious and best thing to do would be to wish him well, but let him go.  Do whatever healing that needs to be done for yourself and for your own life.  Give yourself time to focus on your own healing and what you want, need and deserve.  And the next time, find a man who is free to be completely yours – emotionally, legally, and physically.  Everyone deserves a complete relationship – not one that must be hidden or based on deceit, doublespeak, and pain.

I know that I am biased.  But I so rarely see this type of situation work out well.  There is just pain for everyone involved.  It’s very possible to move on with your life and be happy after the affair.  But you have to work to make that happen.  You have to want to turn that corner.    You can read more about my own path on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch: No matter how you find out about your spouse’s affair, this event was likely very painful. I’m sure that all scenarios of discovery are excruciating. However, I can think of few scenarios worse than being told by a smug “other woman” that your husband is not only cheating, but cheating with her, the bearer of the bad news. It just seems that many of these women absolutely revel in delivering this blow to unsuspecting wives. Understandably, the wife will often take her shock and pain out on the husband. Many of these wives kick their husbands out and consider leaving their marriages – which is EXACTLY what the other woman was hoping for all along. And once this realization hits, the wife can wonder if she hasn’t played right into the other woman’s hand.

Here’s an example. A wife might say: “I honestly have never been so shocked in my life as when this woman approached me when I was walking to my car after work and told me that she had some news for me. I thought that she had mistaken me for someone else. I’d never seen her before in my life. And she frankly didn’t look like someone who I would associate with. Once she had my attention, she told me that she had been sleeping with my husband for three months and that, no matter what I wanted, she was going to be with my husband because they belonged together. She assured me that my wishes didn’t matter. Looking back, I wish that I would have said so many things to her, but I was so shocked, I really could not say much of anything. And I went right home, confronted my husband, and told him to get out. He begged me not to overreact, but I didn’t want to hear anything that he had to say. I assumed that he would immediately go to be with the other woman – just like she claimed. Well, now it has been four weeks. And a mutual friend of myself and my husband’s has told me that it has long been over between them and that the other woman’s ‘confession’ was simply a ploy to get me out of the picture so that she could make a play to get my husband back. Apparently, she is still trying to get him to resume the affair. Now, I feel completely duped. I might have kicked my husband out anyway. But I feel like she is playing games and I let her to do this to me. Part of me wants to allow my husband to come back simply so that her plan will fail and she won’t be able to get her claws into my husband. But the other part of me is very angry with him and doesn’t want him anywhere near me. Still, I regret acting so hastily. But I’m not sure what I can do about it.”

I am not sure if you are in any contact with your husband. But that might be a start. I understand how you feel, but panicking about the other woman getting her hooks into your husband should not be the sole motivation for taking him back. There is a lot of work and healing that has to take place outside of that motivation.

Since your husband clearly did not want to leave, he would probably be willing to go to counseling with you or to meet regularly to begin to work toward healing. Both of these things would allow you to gauge BOTH of your feelings and wishes and would mean that you were in contact so that the other woman wouldn’t just have free reign. That said, if your husband truly wants the marriage and is committed to you, there should be nothing that the other woman could do to get her hooks back into him. Regardless of the situation with your marriage, if he is clear about it being over, then it should be over – with one situation not affecting the other.

How you found out about the cheating was painful and unfortunate, but that doesn’t negate the fact that the cheating happened and that there is work needed in order to make progress. I would think that reaching out to facilitate some type of communication with your husband would be a good first step. You don’t need to make any commitment. You can just see how it goes and how it all feels to you.

Many of us regret making snap judgements right after the affair, but these decisions are certainly understandable. This is pain and shock like no other. And the decision would not have been necessary if your husband didn’t cheat. There is plenty of blame and bad decisions to go around. However, if both you and your husband decide to commit to saving your marriage, there is nothing that can’t be undone. If you become satisfied that he is sincere and progress has been made, nothing says he can’t come home or that you can’t attempt to reconcile. However, I wouldn’t feel pressured to rush this simply because of the threat or presence of the other woman. Her wishes and motivations should not motivate you. Honestly, she shouldn’t have any say whatsoever. She tried to manipulate the situation because she was being shown the door. I’m sure she didn’t enjoy that, but her situation is a completely separate situation from your marriage. And your choice should boil down to your wishes about your own marriage – and not her failed affair.

In my own case, I ultimately did decide to take my husband back.  But it had nothing to do with the other woman and everything to do with my children and the life that my husband and myself had built.  I did not want to just hand that over because of someone else’s actions.   You can  read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch:  Not every one wants to throw away their marriage after an affair.  Some people actually decide that they want to at least give their marriage a fair chance to be saved.  There are many reasons for this.  But here are a few.  Often, there are other people that must considered.  When you have children, the marital decisions that you make can have serious affects on your children’s upbringing and their future lives.  Sometimes, even though you are extremely angry and disappointed, you still realize that your spouse is a good person who made a mistake.  Or you still value your marriage and don’t want to just throw it away without a fight.

Whatever the reason for your motivation to save your marriage, you might quickly discover that you can’t just snap your fingers and expect for life to go back to the way that it used to be.  No matter how motivated both spouses can be to save the marriage, an affair can rock even a very solid marriage to its core.  Things often feel very awkward and fragile.  There is often resentment and a feeling on unease.  And even when you are trying to present yourself as receptive to your spouse, it can feel as if you might never feel truly close to them again.

Because of this, people often wonder how they are supposed to reconnect with their spouse after the affair.  What is the correct way to go about this?  Do you go on a trip?  Do you participate in intense counseling?  Do you renew your vows?  Someone might ask: “I really want to feel close again one day.  My husband cheated and I’m really angry.  But at the same time, I know that my anger doesn’t really help in any way.  My husband should not have cheated, but we were going through a really stressful time.  I did things that I was not proud of either, but I would never cheat.  I knew early on that I wanted to save my marriage.  The problem is that my marriage has changed.  Things just feel weird between us.  We used to be so close and would talk endlessly.  I used to know what my husband was thinking – at least I thought that I did.  I think that is part of the problem.  I doubt our marriage now.  I doubt that I really knew my husband.  So I can’t feel the closeness.  I want it back.  But when I try to get it back, that’s exactly what it feels like – trying.  Even going out to a very fancy dinner can feel strange sometimes.  My mom said we should go on a very romantic vacation, but that makes me feel anxiety, considering how the fancy dinners have gone.  How are you supposed to reconnect after an affair?  Does it take a very long time of counseling?”

Some people do find counseling helpful.  However, I think that you’ve already hit upon a very unique truth:  Sometimes the more you chase or pursue the closeness, and the more you “try” to reconnect, the more success eludes you.  By no means am I saying that you shouldn’t pursue it.  You shouldn’t just sit passively and not do anything.  I know from experience that when you do that, then sometimes nothing at all happens, so you remain stagnant.  And things remain awkward between you.  The truth is, that you can’t always just expect for healing to magically happen.

But you can not force it, either.  The whole key is often to dial back to the pressure and to let it happen in its own time, and on its own terms.  This means that it may not happen immediately.  There is probably going to be some discomfort at first.  That is just to be expected and it is normal.  Just allow it to happen and keep expectations small.  Pressure can kill any momentum that you gain.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you have to heal all at once or you will never make it.  As long as the commitment is there and you are making small, gradual progress and having victories, then in my experience, it is enough.

I also found that you don’t need to go on elaborate trips or spend tons of money (although you certainly can if you want to.) Just taking those small moments to spend together and to show your commitment to your spouse is very important.  You’re showing him that you aren’t running away when the going gets tough.  You are sticking right where you promised to be – with him.  Yes, there is work to be done.  Yes, there are gains that must be made.  And you will get to them all.  But it doesn’t need to be a big production.  Live your life.  Actively participate in your marriage without forcing it.  Say what needs to be said, but don’t spend every spare moment doing so.  When you actively (but not forcefully) participate, you will generally find that in time, the intimacy returns on its natural course.  You don’t need to force it or overanalyze it.  You don’t need to make elaborate plans or declarations.  You need to do the work.  You need to hang in there.  And  you just need to be present with an open heart, a willingness to communicate, and patience.  Do the things that you have always enjoyed and that have always bonded you. This can be as simple as watching your favorite TV shows or taking a walk.  It can be as elaborate as a planned trip.  Whatever works for you.  Never forget that the history that you have together is your greatest asset, so by all means, use it.

I always drew on our shared history during our recovery.  And on our family.  When all else was lost, no one could change these two things.  And I have never regretted that.  My marriage is still in tact, at least in part, because of this thought process.  I tried to keep things as simple as I could.   You can  read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives indicate that they have a strong feeling that their husband is tempted to cheat on them. Maybe he has admitted to having feelings for another woman. Maybe the wife has eyes and she can see a very inappropriate relationship forming. Or maybe the husband is honest and tells her that he is not happy in the marriage and that if things don’t improve, he is going to get his needs met elsewhere.

These wives often want to do something to minimize their husband’s risk of cheating. But they find that talking to him about this isn’t very effective. Either he denies it or an argument ensues and therefore nothing is resolved. Because of this inefficiency, the wife may opt to write a letter or send a card to try to “ward off” the cheating. But, understandably, she isn’t always sure quite what to say or which words might be effective.

She might ask: “This is going to sound like I am being paranoid, but I honestly think that my husband is getting ready to cheat on me. He has been getting increasingly closer to a female coworker while he has also been getting decreasingly close to me. For the last several weeks, he has started talking about how he thinks it might be better if we separated for a while. Last night, this all made sense to me because my husband came home and announced that he will be attending a week-long seminar for his job. And, you guessed it, the female coworker is going also. I believe that my husband is considering cheating on me during this trip. I also believe that I have to stop this at all costs. Our marriage is already in serious trouble. But if we add infidelity into the mix, then it’s going to be even worse. I am thinking that I will leave a letter in his briefcase. But what should it say? I can’t very well come out and accuse him of planning to cheat.”

I can offer some suggestions about what to put in a letter, but honestly, I think that the most effective strategy would be to try to make it very difficult for your husband to carry out the cheating. I have no idea if it’s possible for you to make the trip with your husband. But if that were at all feasible, your presence would make infidelity very difficult. And you may even be able to use the time to reconnect with him rather than spending a week worrying if he was going to cheat. I know that some would say that you can’t police your husband forever and you should trust him enough that you don’t need to tag along everywhere. In calm marital waters, I would agree. But these are not calm times. These are difficult times. And I believe that the wife is right that if an affair happens, then it’s going to be a lot harder to right the marriage again. Sure, it can be done. I’ve done it as have many other couples. But I can tell you with 100% percent accuracy that avoiding it altogether is the better option. Why put your marriage through that if you don’t have to? That’s why I think that the best play is going along on the trip if it is at all possible.

If that is not possible, then I would certainly call and text regularly to remind him of what is back home. The letter should also tread carefully. You might acknowledge that things have not been all that great between you, but then stress that despite this, you are still committed to healing the marriage and you hope that he is too. You might state that most marriages face challenges and yours is no different.  You allude to the fact that challenges can strengthen you in the end, so long as you band together, face those challenges together, and do not let PEOPLE or things come between you. Most spouses can read between the lines here and know what you are alluding to. I don’t think that you have to come right and say: “I feel like you’re going to cheat on me and I’m begging or threatening you not to.” For some men, that would almost be a threat, which in turn would be an invitation. The last thing you want to do is to motivate him to do exactly what you are asking him not to do – which is why I think it’s best to talk in general terms and to just stress that you are committed to making things better and you hope that he is too.

The implications of this letter (with the trip approaching) should be fairly obvious so that you don’t need to get accusatory and pretty much allude to the fact that he may be a potential cheater. With this so tricky, I really do think it’s best to tag along if you can at all swing it. If not, I’d check in regularly – while being careful to not appear overbearing, of course. Do it under the premise that you really miss him and just want to check in. A letter can certainly help his mind set, but you have to understand that her presence will be there all of the time whereas your letter may only be in his head for a short time (while he’s actually holding it or thinking of it.) That’s why your presence needs to be felt as well. If you can’t be there physically, then try to check in with your presence.

I think that it is very smart of you to be so proactive.  I was not proactive in my own marriage and as a result, my husband did cheat with a coworker while out of town.  So I know first hand what a dangerous situation this is.  Our marriage eventually made it.  But the smartest thing would have been to avoid the infidelity in the first place.   You can  read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch: At the time that people are carrying out an affair, few of them are thinking of the repercussions of their actions. They aren’t thinking of the fall out that is going to affect the family at home. If they were, it would be much more difficult for them to carry out the cheating. Frankly, the faithful spouse is often most aware of the fallout that can (and sometimes does) follow the affair, but for the sake of every one involved, there is a real tendency to try to focus on fixing rather than on dwelling.

So sometimes, it can be a shock to all parties when they look around and see the damage that the affair caused to their loved ones, their families, and to themselves. Someone might say: “the day that I found out about my husband’s affair, I was fully aware that my life was going to change for the worse. I knew that nothing would ever be the same again. I had a horrible, sinking feeling in my gut. I didn’t sugar coat things at all. But even I didn’t realize how far my family would  fall. After I found out about the affair, I asked my husband to stay with his mother or his brother because I just needed time to think and I didn’t want to be around him. My husband begged me to reconsider. He did stay with his mother for a very short period of time, but then he immediately kept at me to change my mind. I did not want to change my mind. I wanted to give counseling some time to work and I felt that I needed to be on my own. Well, I guess my husband lost patience because he picked up with the other woman again and I’m pretty sure that he lived with her for a time. Once I started to suspect this, I got a job to support myself because I knew that marriage-wise, things did not look good. My children have never really been on their own. I have always been a stay-at-home mom, so while I was working the kids were on their own after school with disastrous results. They started hanging out with kids I would have never approved of. Their grades slipped. One has been retained and will have to repeat his grade. Meanwhile I am somewhat behind on the bills. I just look at my life and I can not believe it. A very short period of time ago, I had a very nice life and my family was thriving. Now, my kids are struggling and it’s everything I can do not to just come home at night and collapse. Why don’t people consider how affairs can ruin lives before they have one? Now my husband is asking to join me in counseling, but I’m not sure how receptive I am. Because I’m so angry that because of him, my life is horrible. And he’s angry that I forced him to move out. So we’re both angry people who have suffering children. I wish people would think about these things before they have affairs that ruin lives.”

I have the same wish. People clearly do not think. And often, even after the affair is found out, they still do not understand the gravity of their actions because many of them want to rush the process of healing. They don’t understand why it takes their spouse so long to be able to move on. They don’t fully grasp what a huge hole the affair can leave in your home life.

There is no question that affairs ruin lives. But I also firmly believe that since you can’t do anything about the fact that the affair happened with devastating consequences, you can in fact place your focus on moving forward in the best way that you can. I have no idea if you are even remotely interested in your marriage, but even if you are not, I would strongly recommend continuing with the counseling. Even if you don’t save your marriage, the counseling will help you to co-parent effectively. I would also recommend considering if your husband’s mother (or any one else in the picture) would be involved with the kids when you have to work, (assuming that you can’t change your hours so that you are doing most of your work while they are at school.) Your husband’s mother obviously knows what is going on. Plus, there is no reason that your husband can’t and shouldn’t help out with the childcare also. Leaving the kids on their own clearly isn’t working. And that is at least one variable that you might be able to control.

I would also approach your husband about the financial difficulties. Despite the affair, these are his children and he probably understands the necessity of making sure that they have a safe roof over their heads. I get that you are mad at each other, but you are both still parents and the kids’ well being, safely, and supervision has got to be everyone’s first priority. I would hope that your husband can see this, especially since his affair put all of this into motion. No one can blame you for needing to get a job and needing some time away from him in the beginning. You really have nothing to apologize for. You are trying to earn money for the household. But part of this is his responsibility also. And continuing on in the same way lets him off of the hook for that. You can decide about what happens with the marriage later. But first, try to stop the bleeding for the family and the kids. Try to turn things around so that the fall out from the affair doesn’t continue to damage your family and children. You can’t change the affair. But you can alter your reaction to it so that it tries to protect the kids as much as is possible.

I know that it might be hard to believe right now, but things often do eventually get better.  Families can eventually heal, even if the structure changes.  You can read more about my own family’s healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s normal to look at your spouse differently after you find out that they have cheated and had an affair.  You may even come to believe that they have changed dramatically (both in their personality and in their outlook.)  What you may not expect is that your spouse may actually acknowledge and celebrate this change.

One example of this is someone’s outlook on romantic love and infatuation.  Often, the cheating spouse will almost put the other person – and the relationship – on a pedestal, especially at first.  They do this for a few reasons, but the main one is that building up the relationship makes it easier to justify and carry out.  The cheating relationship must be awful “special” or “rare” in order to justify taking so huge of a risk for it.

So yes, cheating spouses can almost have an unrealistic infatuation about the relationship and about the other person. Unfortunately, this does not always completely end once the affair does.  You might find yourself with a spouse who has a new outlook on relationships and love in general.  For example, a wife might say: “honestly, even when we were dating, I would never have called my husband a romantic.  Certainly, he could be sweet when he wanted to.  But my husband is a very practical person.  He will buy gifts and show appreciation on special occasions, but he pretty much figures love is implied between married people.  Well, ever since he had an affair, he has totally changed in this regard.  From all of my snooping, I know that he constantly bought the other woman thoughtful gifts and did nice things for her.  And that really hurts and angers me.  I also know that he was considerate in ways that he hasn’t been for me in a very long time.  However, I am 100% sure that the affair is over.  I am confident that I don’t have to worry about her anymore.  Still, when I turn my attention to my marriage, I notice that my husband still has his romantic idealism going.  He has starting buying me gifts and attempting to show his ‘appreciation’ for me.  I know that I should be grateful, but it kind of annoys me.  Where was all of this consideration before?  It takes another woman and an affair to show my husband that I am worthy of his affection?  He’s like a man who suddenly learned how to be infatuated from another woman and it really annoys me. I’m not saying that I want my grumpy husband back – the one who never showed any appreciation.  But he’s acting like a silly old fool with stars in his eyes.  Middle aged people don’t need to place all of their focus on being in love like they did when they were 18.  Don’t get me wrong. I want a happy marriage.  But my husband is just acting foolish.  How do I get him to stop this without insulting him?”

I understand your frustration.  It might have been nice if he had shown a little more affection on his own, but now that this is coming after the affair, it is as if she has “awakened” something in him.  And of course, quite understandably, you find that distasteful and a little insulting.

But the situation is a tricky one.  If you want to save your marriage, you will eventually need to be the recipient of his affection.  So it’s not like shutting him completely down is what you want.  I think that what you truly want is both the affection (eventually) and the belief in its sincerity.

Right now, understandably, it’s hard to believe that this newfound affection is completely sincere.  You might suspect that since he can’t have her anymore, he is projecting his feelings toward her onto you. And that makes you feel defensive.  And like you might want to push him away.   It’s a catch 22 because once you push him away, then you worry that he’ll cheat again.

I would suggest not coming right out and blatantly or harshly asking him to stop.  But if you need to, you might insinuate that he may want to tone it down in the short term.   The next time he goes over the top with the infatuation behaviors, you might try something like: “although I’m flattered that you are making such an effort, I have to be honest with you right now.  Because I believe that we need honesty like never before.  Sometimes, this is a little overwhelming.  It’s very different than how you were before and it’s happening right after the affair, so sometimes it makes me question things, partly because it’s so dramatic.  For the time being, can we tone it down just a little?  Don’t misunderstand me.  I am receptive to the affection, but I don’t want us to feel that we have to try so hard.”

Hopefully, he will take this in the right way and will tone it down.  I’d like to point out that many people have affairs as a way to face the idea of their own mortality.  They are aging and they realize that “you only live once.”  The whole idea of infatuation and romantic love can be an extension of that.  They can decide that this type of love is very important to them and they want to make sure to invite it into their life and enjoy it.  Frankly, there is nothing wrong with that, as long as they do it inside the confines of your marriage and you are both comfortable with it.

I suspect that as you heal and you begin to feel that his overtures are more genuine, you may become a bit more comfortable.  And by that time, he may have just naturally toned it down.  He may be also trying to overcompensate because of his guilt.  Healing helps with those feelings, too.  You can read more about my own healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s common sense that your sex life might be affected or might take a definite hit after your spouse cheats or has an affair. However, one common misconception is that this is because the faithful spouse has basically shut down the sex, or that, because of their anger, they understandably have no interest in sexual intimacy. Of course, it would be understandable to not want to have sex until the trust, intimacy, and health of the marriage has returned.

Still, this is not always the reason for the change in sex life. Sometimes, it is the cheating spouse themselves who back off on the sex. Needless to say, this often has the faithful spouse more than a little concerned and questioning the possible reasons behind this. Someone might say: “my husband cheated on me about seven weeks ago. There was never any question of whether I would leave or not. I really don’t have any room to talk because early in our marriage, I was unfaithful. However, that was over ten years ago and we have repaired our marriage since then. Still, my husband stuck by me then and I feel compelled to stick by him now. I know that we can repair our marriage because we have done it once before. The main problem that I am having right now is that I feel very rejected sexually. I can’t think of a single time that he has initiated sex since I found out about the affair. Actually, we’ve had sex very little. But every time we do, I am the one who has to make the first move. And even then, my husband seems a little reluctant – although he doesn’t turn me down. It hurts me and makes me think that he is not attracted to me – although deep down, I know that this isn’t the case.  Prior to the affair, my husband would always tell me how pretty I am. I take very good of myself and most people consider me quite attractive. So I don’t think it’s likely that my husband suddenly finds me sexually unattractive – but you never know. When I was the one who cheated, he didn’t shut down sexually in this way. So it worries me that he is shutting down now after his own affair. Why would he do this?”

There are a few possible reasons. One very common one is guilt and shame. People who have affairs can understandably feel very badly about themselves. I’ve heard men who cheat on their wives refer to themselves as “the scum of the earth” and “the lowest of the low.” Most people who cheat are very ashamed of it, even if they don’t readily admit it out loud all of the time.

Understanding The Confidence That Is Required:  Think about it this way.  Initiating sex requires a certain degree of confidence. Most people who initiate sex do so because they are fairly certain that their spouse is going to be receptive and that they are not going to be turned down. However, when you have cheated on your spouse, you can’t always have this degree of certainty. You know that your spouse is angry at you and disappointed with you – at best. At worst, you suspect that your spouse hates you and finds you somewhat pathetic and disgusting. So, as a result, you are going to struggle with the confidence to initiate sex. Which means that you may not follow through with it at all. None of this means that you don’t love your spouse, aren’t attracted to her, or don’t want to have sex with her. But it can mean that you are plain afraid to approach her, are afraid of rejection, or simply don’t feel as though you are worthy to have sex with her – at least right now – because of your actions.

Moving Past This: So where does that leave you, as the faithful spouse? Well, as I see it, there are a couple of choices and what you decide really depends upon what you most want and need going forward. Because a marriage after an affair can be a little fragile, you could simply choose not to rock the boat too much and you can continue on as you are, with you being the one to initiate sex. If you do this, you will obviously just hope that as your marriage starts to heal, your husband will regain his confidence and self esteem so that he eventually feels comfortable initiating sex again.

Or, if you really hate being the only one to initiate sex right now and you feel that it is harming your marriage, then you can certainly speak up about it, but you want to be careful that you don’t sound as if you are being overly critical (because your husband may already be struggling with self esteem and making it worse could actually mean he would be even less likely to initiate sex.)

You might try: “I can’t help but notice that you seem reluctant to initiate sex lately. I can only guess as to the reason why. I know that you probably feel uneasy and afraid. I understand that. I feel these things, too. But I also want you to know that when you pull back this way, it makes me feel unloved and undesired.”

At this point, I would leave it at that. It should then be clear what you’d like for your husband to do. The rest will be up to him. You’ve cleared the air, which is really all you can do, as he is the one who will be doing to initiating. But as I’ve alluded to, healing can go a long way toward easing sexual issues, too. Your healing may be a bit more tricky as this is the second infidelity, but it is certainly not impossible. You just want to make sure the infidelity stops here – once and for all.

People understandably put a lot of emphasis on sex after the affair.  And rightly so. If it’s going badly, it makes things seem worse.  If it’s going well, then it helps to ease some of the strain and tension.  At the same time, putting pressure on your marriage because of sex will often result in a worsening situation.  For now, I would focus on the fact that you’re having sex – regardless of who is initiating it.  And I would try to make it as exciting as possible to entice your husband to initiate it sooner rather than later. You can read more about how I regained some of my sexuality after infidelity on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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