Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  When you are first caught cheating by your spouse, you usually will completely understand their anger at you.  Even if your marriage wasn’t always great or if, deep down, you feel a tiny bit justified, you still know that cheating is very destructive and that your spouse has every reason to be furious.  Most of us can mentally put ourselves in our spouse’s position to know that if the roles were reversed, we too would be outraged at being cheated on.

But, once some time passes, the feeling of wanting the anger to fade and the desire to be forgiven can surface.  And this is understandable also.  After a while, no one wants to feel like the bad guy all of the time.  So you will start looking for clues that some day soon, your spouse might be open to forgiving you.  But you may not find these clues in the time frame that you had hoped for.  That’s when you may start looking or asking around.  You may approach friends or family members who have gone through this and what you find my be somewhat discouraging.

For example, a husband might ask a female friend, coworker, or family member who has dealt with infidelity for a rough estimate of a time line.  He might explain: “it has been over seven months since my wife caught me cheating.  I immediately apologized, broke off the affair, and told my wife that I would do absolutely anything to save my marriage.  I have tried to back this up.  We went to counseling briefly.  I have been loving, patient, and supportive.  I like to think that, at this time, I am a pretty decent husband.  Many colleagues describe me as ‘kind’ and ‘a good guy,’ but my wife still acts like I am an awful human being.  She is still very cold and sarcastic to me.  Sometimes, I will bring her attention to this, and she tells me that she is trying, but that she believes recovery is just going to take some time.  I hear what she is saying, but I wonder if this means that we are going to limp along like this forever – with me being the awful spouse and her being the long-suffering one.  I asked a coworker about this.  We are good friends and I know that a few years ago, her husband cheated.  I asked her how long it took to forgive her husband and she told me that, quite frankly, she HASN’T forgiven him yet.   It has been two years and they still struggle.  I could not believe this.  I asked her twice and both times she insisted that all has not been totally forgiven.  She says it’s just something that she doesn’t know if she will ever get over.  This is so incredibly depressing to me.  I am not sure if I can stand more years of being treated this way.  I really wanted to save my marriage and I still do, but I don’t know if I can wait years to get it back.”

I hear from a lot of people who feel exactly as you do and my response is always careful.  I don’t want to discourage anyone or tell you that you may have to live a certain way for a certain period of time.  Because that simply might not be true.  There are so many variables that come into play.  At the same time, I do not want to downplay how difficult recovery can be because there are so many factors that go into this as well.

All I can say is that I know many couples (and I was one of them) who didn’t take years before we were able to move on.  However, to be fair, we were extremely aggressive about healing and moving on.  And I made a very conscious decision that I WANTED to move on and to not live in purgatory.  That said, this is not a simple matter of mind over matter.  I do not want to imply that wives can simply decide to move past the affair and then they are miraculously able to do so.  This really is not the case for most of us.

Rather, it is more like we made a decision to move on and we find the resources, the people, and the things that can help us to do that.  There’s no magic answer.  There’s no set period of time.  You simply constantly take inventory and you ask yourself what is making things better and what is making things worse and you adjust accordingly.  Sometimes, you may need professional help for this as long as it takes and other times, you won’t.  I have no way to predict that.

I can tell you that two determined and committed people CAN and DO recover and offer forgiveness in reasonable time frames with the right tools and circumstances.  And I do want to stress that forgiveness is not the same as forgetting.  Your wife may well decide to forgive you because she truly wants to move on in a healthy way.  But this is very different than her acting as if the affair never happened.  That’s just unrealistic.  It’s possible to carry on with your marriage as if it was just a blip, but that doesn’t mean that you expect your spouse to deny it’s very existence.  However, to answer the original question, you don’t always have to anticipate years and years of recovery, but you should also do absolutely everything in your power (except for pressure) in order to help move things along.

I was very motivated to move quickly because of my children.   Hopefully, you and your wife can use whatever motivation you have in order to move on.  With that said, you never want to gloss over or rush healing.  You legitimately have to do the work.  And until you do, you can’t ask or expect your wife to just “get over it” or move on.  In my own experience, the more patient my husband was with me, the more I wanted to move on.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Spoke To A Women Friend And She Told Me That My Wife Won’t Forgive My Infidelity For Years

By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from couples who, quite understandably, feel very distant from one another after infidelity has affected the marriage.  Sometimes, both people are interested in reconnecting.  Other times, one spouse is distant while the other wants to feel close again.  Whatever the reason, there is often a concern about the best way to reconnect in order to begin to bring back the intimacy.

Here is an example about what I am talking about.  I might hear from a spouse who says: “honestly, I feel like I have lost all of the closeness that I had with my wife.  And I know that it is my fault because I am the one who had an affair.  But for the sake of our family, I feel like we really have to get back what we had.  I understand that my wife is angry and hurt.  I would do anything to change that.  But I know that I can’t.  Not only is she distancing herself from me, but I can’t help but notice that she has backed away from our extended family and, to a lesser extent, even to our children.  It’s like she is just watching everything happen, but she is not actively participating in any of it.  She’s no longer spontaneous and happy.  She is just flat and kind of there.  She interacts with me because she has to – but it is very formal.  We never laugh anymore or touch.  It is all just family stuff.  I want our relationship back.  I try to ask her to go out with me, talk to me, or – heck, even just watch a TV show with me.  I’d settle for anything at this point, but most of the time, she declines. If she does do something with me, she’s formal and cold about it.  How do I reconnect with her?  She is justified in her distance and anger, but we can’t keep going like this.”

Some Considerations: Before I try to offer some suggestions, I find myself curious as to how many attempts at healing have taken place.  In many situations such as the one described, things stay sort of stuck (and distant) because there has not been much progress made toward healing.  Have you completely ended the affair and offered your wife (and yourself) an explanation as to why it happened? Are you in counseling?  Because if, in her eyes, nothing has really changed, then in my own experience (having gone through this myself,) you can’t expect for her behavior to change.  If she feels like no improvement has been made or if she thinks that there isn’t enough remorse and rehabilitation, then understandably, she can feel much more safe watching and waiting from the sidelines.  This is just human nature and self preservation. She may not even realize that she is doing it.  But she is understandably afraid to let her guard down and to feel – at least for right now.

I know this because I experienced it also.  It’s very hard to let down that wall and to leave yourself vulnerable again.  So you are often looking for a show of good faith before you feel safe enough to do this.  If you haven’t yet tried to provide this feeling of safety, you might find your wife MUCH more willing to reconnect once you do.

Focus On Keeping Things Low Key And Don’t Apply Pressure: If you’ve focused on healing and you’re still not seeing progress, then you want to ask yourself if you are perhaps pressuring and putting some pressure onto the situation so that it is not allowed to thrive.  What I mean by that is that we often have the very best of intentions and of course we want for things to feel better as fast as they possibly can.  We don’t mean to pressure.  But we are anxious for things to return to normal.  Once they don’t, there can be disappointment and a feeling of “what is wrong with us?” Or “will we ever get back what we had?”

These thoughts and questions are normal, but they can make you feel as if you are NOT normal or that you will NEVER get back what you had, when in reality, perhaps you just need to be patient and to try to back away from so much pressure while just focusing on very small things.  I love your idea of just watching TV together.  Many couples will first try with the big efforts.  They’ll try to vacation together or make a huge announcement that they are going to reconnect.  This is often too much too soon and so things can’t necessarily blossom under the weight of all this pressure.

Watching TV or going for a walk with your pets or anything very low key with not much pressure is how you want to start.  In fact, you maybe do not even want to classify it as “reconnecting” because the connotation makes some people freeze.  Instead, you’re just wanting to restore a sense of comfort and normalcy for a short period of time.  If you do this enough and you get good results, make no mistake about it.  You ARE reconnecting – whether you officially call it that or not. Above all, don’t make your spouse feel as if not reconnecting immediately is their fault.  They likely are juggling  a lot of pain and negative feelings.  They don’t need anymore.  Instead, show them patience and take what they are willing to give when they are willing to give it. At least in my experience, this kind of acceptance and lack of pressure made me MUCH more receptive to the idea of reconnecting.  My husband and I never called it “reconnecting.” It was just a process that naturally happened as we gradually healed and I gradually began to trust and feel safe again.  Had my husband constantly asked why we weren’t “reconnecting,” the outcome may not have been great.  There’s more about this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Do I Reconnect With My Spouse After The Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives for whom the discovery of the affair is still fresh. They have just found out and many of them are somewhat surprised at their feelings and reactions. I find that this is really common. In many different situations in our lives, we THINK that we would know what we would do in a given situation until it actually happens. And then all bets are off. I honestly was completely positive that I would divorce without question if I ever caught my husband cheating. And then it actually happened. And although that was almost what happened at first, I ultimately changed my mind.

I hear this over and over again. And the reason is that you can’t possibly know how you are going to react until the event actually happens. Women who always thought that they could be rational and a bit unfeeling become totally unglued. Or sometimes the opposite happens. The reaction is almost impossible to predict.

Which is why sometimes people question their reactions (or their lack of them.) They think that they aren’t responding appropriately or that there is something wrong with them. For example, someone might say: “I am shocked at my lack of reaction about my husband’s affair. I guess it would be one thing if I had suspected anything unusual, but it totally blindsided me. Even worse, I walked in on it – well sort of. Not that they were in the act or anything, but it was still pretty obvious. My husband couldn’t shuttle her out of there fast enough. I honestly would have thought that I would have wanted to do bodily harm to someone. But I just went into the den and locked the door. And I have had very little to say to my husband since. I have not screamed or yelled or had any emotional reactions. I always thought that I would FEEL very strongly, but honestly, I am not feeling much at all. What should I be feeling?”

I am certainly not a therapist, but I don’t think that there is any “right” or “wrong” feeling here. And I think that the best thing to do is just to allow whatever feeling that comes up to just be. In my own experience, my feelings were all over the place and they changed very quickly. Sometimes it was by the day. Sometimes it was by the hour. It was very frustrating, but after a while I learned to stop analyzing it or judging it and to just let it be.  Frankly, those feelings that pop up at random and that are occurring so quickly are very hard to control. I found that I didn’t always have much say over my feelings. But I could journal them to get them out and I could also control my actions and reactions when I would force myself to pause.

Make no mistake about it. This is a lot to take in. It sometimes just takes some time before reactions and feelings begin to surface. There is nothing wrong with that. It also doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you. It means that you are human.

Sometimes, these changes in feelings (or the feelings that come forth when you didn’t expect them) can be confusing to your husband, your friends, you family, or yourself. You don’t need to make any apologies for this. And you don’t really need to discuss it if you don’t want to. If your husband should question it, you can tell him that there is no “normal” or natural reaction and that it may take a little while for you to process what is happening around you. But since you did nothing wrong, he should respect your need for time. You should be free to take all the time that you want.

In my experience, the feelings do eventually come – and all of them can surface over time – shock, fear, anger, grief, sadness, doubt, pity – the whole gamut. They are all normal. They may all come and go. You can cling to them or not. It’s totally up to you as to what you want or need at the time.

People often ask me for how long they should experience their feelings. That really does depend on many factors. Even in the best case scenario where you have a remorseful husband, a plan to heal, and a strong commitment, the feelings can hang around for longer than you may wish. There were times when I felt that I would always feel devastated. But here I am today pretty much healed and very happy in my life. It does get better. Healing does begin to move you forward. And you have to remember that there are many other things in your life to be grateful for. So take it one step at a time. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling.  And know that while those feelings may change and evolve, they also should eventually get better.

Believe me, there were days when I was so numb that I could feel nothing.  And there were days that I was so emotional that my feelings seemed to overwhelm me.  Typically, I would just try to ride it out, knowing that it was most likely going to change – which it did.  I found that as I began to make some progress and see that I could still have a relatively stable and normal life, those fluctuating feelings began to stabilize.  And of course the more the healing occurs, the more stable the feelings. There’s more about this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Should You Feel Immediately After Your Husband Had An Affair?

By: Katie Lersch:  Some wives want the whole world to know that their husband had an affair.  Many of them have this wish because they want their husband to have to face up to what he did. They want for him to be embarrassed and to feel “outed.”  They don’t want for him to be able to hide from his actions.  They figure if he has to literally face the music and own up to what he did, then he will be more likely to be sorry and less likely to cheat again.

However, not every one has the luxury to be able to do this. Some wives are well aware that there are going to be serious repercussions for the entire family if the affair were to be leaked out into the open. And so the wife attempts to cover for him and then wonders if her behavior is somehow enabling or is contributory in some way.

She might say: “my parents have always helped my family out – both financially and emotionally.  They see my husband as their son.  If they knew that I caught him cheating on me, not only would they be crushed, but they would remove their financial support, which unfortunately would affect my entire family and not just my husband.  Also, my husband’s company has a policy that employees are not allowed to ‘date’ each other.  Well, my husband had emails from the other woman (who is also a coworker) on his work tablet. These were just personal, silly emails.  There was nothing work-related on them. And after I caught him, he had to gall to ask me to help him delete all emails between them so that he would not be caught disobeying the company’s rules.  So I helped my husband keep his affair from my family and from his job.  In essence, I covered his tracks, at least in a way.  I know that it was wrong, but I did it because I worried that my family’s financial future was at stake.  But when I told my friend how I covered for my husband, she said that my actions made me just as guilty as he is. I think that this is a little harsh, but I worry that in a sense, she is correct.  What culpability do I have in this?”

As far as the blame for your husband’s affair, in my opinion, you have absolutely none.  You didn’t encourage him or make him cheat on you.  In fact, your actions came AFTER you learned about the cheating.  So I personally think that you have no culpability at all in his decision to cheat.  In fact, I don’t think there’s ever an excuse for cheating.  Even people in very unhappy marriages have the chance to discuss their unhappiness with their spouse and come up with a resolution before they just cheat.  So no, I can’t in any way fault you for the affair.

As far as whether you have any blame because you shielded your husband or covered his tracks, I think that we can all agree that ideally, you want for someone to have to face the consequences of their own actions.  Nothing teaches life lessons as well as this.  This truth is why we we sometimes force our children to go admit wrongdoing to teachers or other people in authority.  As hard as it is for them to take responsibility for their actions, that is exactly what they need to do in order to raise the odds that they won’t repeat the behavior.

In this case, yes, you could have told your parents about the affair or not helped your husband with his tablet.  Both options would have allowed him to face the music, so to speak.  But both would have put your family at risk financially.  When there are children to think about, it’s unfair to dismiss their needs.

However, nothing has been done that can’t be undone. In other words, if you feel so guilty that you can not sleep at night, then you can always tell your parents later or stop helping your husband to cover up at work. (I’m assuming that the affair is ABSOLUTELY over at work so there will be no more tracks to cover in that regard.)  In other words, you can bail out of the “track covering” at any time if your conscience just can’t take it.

However, I completely understand your rationale and I think that most people would agree.  It wasn’t that you were trying to keep your husband from owning up to what he did.  It was that you were trying to protect your children.  These are two different things.  Speaking of your children and your family, I think that you are better served worrying more about healing your marriage (assuming that is what you want) or moving on in a healthy way.  Dwelling on the track covering does nothing to move you forward.  You can always choose to tell your parents at a later time and once you’ve healed (if you choose to.)

I know that people may disagree with me, but I’ve always felt that your marriage is really between you and your spouse and isn’t really anyone else’s business.  Trust me when I say that when you go telling everyone about the affair, you sometimes regret it.  Yes, it feels good to commensurate with how awful your husband is at the time you are bashing him with somewhat else.  But that changes when you are trying to heal and save your marriage. Suddenly, when all those friends and family members want to do is to talk about the affair or the state of your marriage, it becomes very hurtful.  So I don’t necessarily think that it’s a bad thing to want to keep your marriage private.  And I certainly don’t think that you are to blame – in any way whatsoever – for your husband’s affair.

After my own husband’s affair, I came to learn that what I most needed to focus on was my healing.  Sure, I could sit and analyze what he or I did wrong.  I could ruminate on how I’d been hurt.  But in the end, second guessing did nothing to move me forward.  And staying stuck just prolonged the hurt.  So to the extent that you can, I recommend looking to the future instead of the past.  You are not the blame for husband’s affair, but you are now in charge of deciding where you want to go from here.  If you feel guilty, then you can always change course. You don’t need to rush that decision, but in my experience, it’s better to look forward than back. There’s more about my own process of healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Cheated On Me And I Covered His Tracks. Does That Make Me Just As Guilty As Him?

By: Katie Lersch:  Often, when one spouse is having an affair, they try not to spend a lot of time thinking about what might happen if their spouse finds out about it.  Frankly, this is just not a pleasant thing to think about.  And most of the time, they never have plans to carry out the affair for long enough (and carelessly enough) to get caught.

That is why they can be somewhat shocked at their spouse’s reaction once they are unexpectedly found out.  Because they haven’t spent a lot of time considering the possibility of this day, they simply aren’t prepared for it.  And having their spouse reject them or distance themselves can be very upsetting.  I find that the cheating spouse can find it somewhat difficult to accept it when the faithful spouse tries to push them away.

For example, a cheating husband might say: “I admit that I more than deserve my wife’s anger.  Straight up, I cheated on her and there is no excuse for that.  No one can deny that cheating is wrong.  But I never intended to end my marriage.  I was never going to leave my spouse and family.  Now that my wife has found out, though, I might lose my family anyway.  Despite my begging and pleading, my spouse isn’t sure that she wants anything to do with me.  She hasn’t officially moved out.  But she is staying with her sister.  When I ask her why she would do this, she says that she just needs some time away from me to think things through.  She asks me to respect her space. I am having a hard time with this because I believe that the last thing that we need is time away from one another.  What we need right now is to band together and for our children to see us as a family.  I keep trying to tell my wife this, but she says that I have no right to pressure her right now.  How do I change her mind about this?  The last thing we need is space.”

I can’t read your wife’s mind, but I was once in her position, (as a wife who was struggling to process her own husband’s affair.)  Because of that, I hope that I can give you some perspective on what your wife might be going through and her thought process.  I don’t share this in order to help you to pressure her in an attempt to change her mind.  I share this because I sincerely hope that this insight will make you stop, put yourself in her position, and listen rather than trying to work your own agenda.

It’s understandable that you are frustrated by a lack of control.  Right now, it seems as if your wife holds all of the cards and you have to just sit back helplessly and watch.  And that can seem unfair.  But try to remember that very recently, your wife probably felt equally as helpless when she learned that life as she knew it was going to change.  She learned that the marriage she thought she had was derailed.  And she learned that the person she trusted most in the world betrayed her.

I promise that I’m not trying to rub salt in the wounds.  I just want to give you a sense of what she is going through.  This is ALOT to take in.  And sometimes, when you are trying to process all of that, seeing and interacting with your spouse all of the time is not what you think you need.  You worry that you will just direct all of your sadness and anger at them and, as a result, you’ll have countless fights that aren’t going to do anyone any good.  So you figure it’s best for everyone involved if you pull away and give yourself the time and space to sort things out.  You aren’t always trying to punish your spouse when you do this.  You legitimately need the time.

As far as how to change her mind, I don’t think that attempting to do this with pressure would be in your (or her) best interest.  In fact, I think that it might make things worse.  Because your wife might think that your goal is to force her to do what you want her to do rather than being concerned with her feelings or what she needs.  I understand your wanting her home.  But I feel that she is more likely to come back if you show her compassion and patience rather than impatience and pressure. Accept responsibility for your actions and accept that your actions have made the space necessary.  Be patient, understanding, and loving.  Because then you may find that she’s willing to come back on her own without your needing to pressure her and risk damaging your marriage even further.

I can tell you that when I was having some time away from my own husband, what I most wanted from him was understanding and patience.  I had no problem with him checking in and asking about my welfare on a regular basis.  In fact, for the most part I appreciated that.  But what I did not want (and what I reacted very badly to) was any implication that I did not have the right to take the time away.  I also did not want any pressure on me to come home in a timeline that wasn’t my own.  At that point in my life and my marriage, I was the one who had to make my own choices, as I was the one who would have to live with the consequences.  I ultimately did come home and we saved our marriage, but it certainly was not because my husband pressured me to do so.  If he had, I may have delayed coming home or rethought it altogether. There’s more to the story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Had An Affair And Now My Spouse Wants Space And Time Away From Me. How Do I Reverse This?

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who wonder if their marriage even stands a chance after their spouse has been caught cheating or having an affair. Often, they are not seeing the behaviors and the remorse that they were hoping for. And they wonder if this omission is going to mean that they are just wasting their time trying to save something that their spouse chose to let go the second that he cheated.

I heard from a wife who said: “the other woman who my husband was cheating with actually called me and told me about the affair. I was waiting by the door as soon as my husband got home from work and told him everything that I knew. He was clearly embarrassed that I knew all the sorted details. But, much to my surprise and disappointment, he didn’t seem to be the least bit remorseful. Sure, he owned up to the cheating once he was forced to do so. But he seemed very matter of fact and direct about it. He just sort of shrugged and said that yes, he cheated because he just wasn’t happy  He said that I can either chose to continue on with the marriage or not.  He acted as if he could care less either way. I get so discouraged when he acts like this. I wouldn’t hesitate to stand behind him and try to save my marriage if he was showing even a little remorse, but he isn’t. Does my even stand a chance? Is it even worth it to try to save it?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

Although Remorse Is Desirable (And You Should Continue To Demand It) Seeing It Immediately Isn’t Always Necessary To Save Your Marriage: I absolutely understand why you want and need to see some remorse. If he isn’t sorry for the cheating and even feels justified about it, then he may just repeat it. And no one wants to go through this kind of humiliation and pain again.

But it may be important for you to understand that much of the time, a lack of remorse is actually just posturing. He knows that he is in the wrong, but he doesn’t want to place himself in a situation where he feels that he is in a position of weakness. He doesn’t want you to ask too much of him. He doesn’t want to have to endlessly explain himself. And he doesn’t want to have to make amends for the rest of his life. I’m not telling you these things to be nasty or mean. I am sharing these things with you because these are the types of comments that I hear on a very regular basis.

These same men may feel quite remorseful and guilty, but they don’t want to let their wives see this because they worry about what this sort of vulnerability will mean going forward.

I’d like to make one more point. Often, this type of posturing is an extension of the self talk that has been going on inside of their own head. They often have to quiet down their guilt and their remorse in order to justify and then to carry out their cheating. I’m not saying that their thought process is right or even justified, but I do want to make you aware of it.

And, by explaining their thinking, I don’t mean to imply that you do not deserve this remorse or that you should not continue to press for it. You do deserve it and you should continue to ask for it. But, not seeing it immediately is not an indication that you can’t save your marriage or that your marriage isn’t worth saving. Actually, some of the most indignant and seemingly non caring spouses can be rehabilitated, can eventually coaxed to release their remorse once they feel safe to do so.

How To Talk To Your Spouse When They Are Showing No Remorse For Their Cheating Or For The Affair: I understand why you are so discouraged and concerned by this. As a wife who has been cheated on, I know that remorse is something that you feel that you deserve. Sometimes, your spouse thinks that if they keep up the indignant and defensive act, you will eventually cave and drop your need for remorse. I don’t think that you should drop it, but you have to learn how to talk to them to get what you really want.

Here’s an example. The next time your husband is indignant or not showing any remorse you might say something like: “it’s very frustrating to me when you act as if you don’t care how I respond to your cheating. I know that you are not the type of person who has no conscience. I also know that if the roles were reversed, you would want to know how sorry I was  so that you could be secure that I wouldn’t cheat again. Don’t I deserve the same? I don’t expect for you to fall over yourself with apologies, to shed tears of guilt, or to beg for my forgiveness. But it would really help me to know that you are sorry for and regret what you did. Because knowing this would help me to begin to trust you again and it would give me some reassurance that I’m not just wasting my time by trying to save our marriage. I need to know that you are still invested in me enough to be sorry for hurting me. Can we talk about how you really feel? It would help me if we could.”

Sometimes, it is all in the way you say things. I know that it can feel unfair that you have to approach him in roundabout and gentle ways when this is all his fault anyway. But at the end of the day, does it really matter how you get what you want? If certain words, phrases, or approaches will get the remorse that you want, then to me, the end justifies the means.

My own husband showed some remorse early on, but I didn’t really believe him.  Often, the passage of time makes the truth much more clear. We did save our marriage after his affair but not without a lot of hard work.  In the end, it was worth it though.  If it helps, you can read the whole story at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Spouse Is Showing No Signs Of Remorse For Their Cheating. Is It Even Worth It To Try To Save My Marriage?

By: Katie Lersch:  It is just common sense that once you have dealt with the pain of an affair, you are naturally going to be on high alert for another one.  In a way, this is unfortunate.  It’s no fun to be this suspicious all of the time.  But, with that said, it’s also no fun to be blindsided by infidelity.  So this suspicion is quite understandable, but it can certainly cause some damage to your marriage.

It’s exhausting for the faithful spouse to always be in such a state of high alert.  And the remediated cheating spouse may resent always facing the implication that they have done something wrong – or are getting ready to – even when they are innocent.  But, you can almost rest assured that if there is even the slightest bit of evidence of an affair taking place – the faithful spouse is going to want to rule it out.

The most logical way to rule this out is to just ask the other spouse.  However, 99.9% of the time, there will be a denial.  The faithful spouse usually really wants to believe that there is not another affair.  But sometimes, self doubt takes place.  Other times, friends and family are telling her that she can’t trust the words of a cheater.

A wife might say: “I really want to believe that my husband isn’t having another affair.  And I have to admit that I don’t have any concrete evidence that he is. It’s just that he’s acting very similar to the way that he was acting when he had the first affair.  I can’t really describe it accurately.  It’s just a feeling that I get.  He’s a bit standoffish and cold.  He’s distracted.  He moves at a faster pace. But when I confront him about this, he gets somewhat angry at me. He says that he has done nothing to make me suspect that he’s having an affair and that it’s not fair that he automatically gets accused of something that he is not doing.  And of course, then I sound silly trying to explain that it’s more of a feeling I have and that it’s the same feeling that I had before.  He feels attacked and I feel belittled.  Then I tell my friends that maybe I’m being paranoid and overreacting and perhaps I should apologize to him.  They tell me that I am crazy to say this.  They ask me if I know that once a man has cheated on you, then you can never trust his claims again. They tell me that everything out of a cheater’s mouth should be seen as a potential lie.  Stupidly, I recounted this conversation with my husband.  He became pretty defensive and asked if he was going to have to live under this cloud of suspicion for the rest of his life.  He then insisted that if he was going to have to live like that, then he didn’t know if he could live with me anymore because he didn’t want a lifetime sentence of being the bad guy.  So now I’m very torn.  Obviously, my life would be so much easier if I could believe my husband.  But I can’t ignore what my friends have said about a cheater’s words never being trustworthy.  Are they right?”

I would say that in some situations, they would be right.  And in some situations, they would be wrong.  Certainly, not all men who cheat once will cheat again.  Some do.  Many do not.  I have known of instances where a faithful wife gets paranoid of a second affair that never happened and her inability to “let this go” ultimately destroyed the marriage, even though the husband was faithful the second time around.  I have also known of a wife’s suspicions ultimately turning out to be true, despite her husband’s firm and repeated denials.

It can be very hard to know which scenario you are facing initially, but an affair usually does have a way of being hard to cover up forever.  I believe that you have a couple of choices here.  First it makes sense to sit down and write out – as objectively as you can – anything that is at least persuasive proof of an affair.  We all know concrete proof can be hard to come by.  But sometimes, you do have little crumbs that are undeniable.  If all you have right now is a hunch or a gut feeling, you can certainly be on the look out for proof.  But until you have it, I don’t think I’d go accusing.

Once you’ve determined how much information you really have, then there’s a choice as to whether or not you want to press your husband even more or if you just want to wait and watch.  I chose to wait and watch, and in my case, there was nothing amiss.  Basically, my own insecurities lead to false suspicions.  Of course, this will not always be the case. Sometimes your suspicions have merit.  But in my case, I decided to give my husband the benefit of the doubt while watching closely — unless he gave me a reason not to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I was never going to blindly trust him – well, at least until years of fidelity had passed.  But I wasn’t going to accuse him – and potentially ruin my marriage – unless I had a concrete reason.

This “towing the line” strategy worked well, but of course it isn’t for everyone.  Some wives just need a firm answer and they aren’t going to get that without a confrontation, regardless of the risk.  And some wives realize that because of the first affair, they are going to be more likely to see wrongdoing where it’s possible that none exists.  As a result, so they are going to make sure that their suspicions are correct before they accuse.  This was certainly true in my case.  Since I am still married today, I am very glad that I didn’t make accusations that simply weren’t true.  It was worth it to wait. But that’s just our situation.  Yours may be different. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Blatantly Denies Another Affair, But My Friends Say That The Word Of Cheaters Should Never Be Trusted.

By: Katie Lersch:  If you are a wife whose husband has had an affair, it’s a fair bet that you want him to look back on it with negative feelings.  You don’t want him to think that there was anything redeeming or good about the affair.  You want him to see it for the colossal, destructive mistake that it was.  You want him to cringe when he thinks about it so that he never, ever, thinks about repeating it.

Unfortunately, not all wives have full confidence that this is what their husband is feeling.  Many of them worry that their husband is going to look back on the affair with longing or that he even might wish that it had never ended.  Some worry that he will miss the experience so much that he might start up another affair to replace it.

A wife might say: “immediately after I caught my husband having an affair, he defended it.  He made it sound like a special, once-in-a-lifetime relationship.  He conceded that he knew that he needed to end it, but he very obviously did not want to.  Then, while in counseling, he proceeded to tell the counselor that although he knew that he was wrong, he was grateful for some of the self-realizations that he gained through the experience.  He said that it had left him changed.  Now that a couple of months have passed, I decided to ask him how he felt about it today.  I was hoping that he’d say that it was his biggest regret.  Instead, his response was ‘well obviously, it was a mistake.  But everybody makes mistakes and I just want to move on.’   This is not the response that I had hoped for. And it makes me worry that he does not regret it enough and that he will cheat again. How do most men feel when they look back on the affair?”

I believe that it really does depend on far out they are post-affair.  What I mean by that is that when the affair is still fresh and the emotions are still high, many men feel a need to justify their actions.  As a result, they will try to make the affair more than it was.  Their feelings are magnified.  The pixie dust hasn’t worn off yet.  In order to not feel totally awful about themselves and what they have done, they go into self preservation mode and they get defensive and they try to justify.  And this is when you are most likely to see them thinking about the affair in nostalgic terms.

However, when time passes and they suddenly have the ability to feel more objective, this is when you will see the reality of their mistake hit them.  The need to be defensive has passed.  They have literally seen and felt the pain that they have caused.  (And assuming that they have been away from the other woman for a while, the relationship is not as fresh and they are no longer under the spell.)  It is at this time that they can often see the relationship for what it was – not something special, but a crutch, a distraction, and an awful mistake.

When this realization happens, men can be quite ashamed or embarrassed.  They often do not want you to know this or to see it, and this might be when you see them retreating into themselves or acting distant.  But just because they don’t make a huge declaration about this, that doesn’t mean that they don’t realize how much they have messed up.

I can’t say that every man feels the same way.  I can’t promise you that every man doesn’t miss the other woman or pine for her, or wish that the affair had never ended.  Some do, but I feel that the majority realize that the relationship was wrong and truly never stood a chance.  All you have to do is to look at the statistics about the longevity of affairs to know that many are doomed before they even get started.  Most husbands are smart enough to realize this.  But they may not share these realizations with you.

I know that it’s tempting to push for this admission, but frankly, you are more likely to get the admission that you want if you just place your focus on healing your marriage.  Once your marriage is healthy, once your husband is feeling empathy for you, and once he feels as if he has done the work to facilitate recovery, that is when he is going to be the most likely to unleash his feelings and admit his deep regret.  But when you try to force this out of him or shame him, he’s going to be more likely to hide his feelings because he doesn’t want to give the satisfaction of the admission.  It may help to know that most men do feel regret.  Your husband likely feels it, and he may express it once you’ve made more progress so that he is comfortable doing the same.

Believe me.  There were times when I wanted my own husband to fall at my feet and proclaim what a loser he was to ever put our marriage at risk.  It was a long time before I got this kind of remorse.  But I did eventually get it. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Do Men Remember Their Affair When They Look Back On It?

By: Katie Lersch: Most of the time, the person who I hear from is the faithful spouse who is looking to understand WHY their spouse is cheating or is acting in perplexing ways after doing so.

Sometimes, though, I hear from the spouse who cheated – who is also perplexed as to their spouse’s behavior. Sometimes, their faithful spouse is withholding affection or won’t talk about his or her feelings. Many times, the faithful spouse is withholding sex. It’s always a little surprising to me when the cheating spouse is confused as to why sex might be off the table for a little while. But the truth is that they are often surprised and sometimes, they are looking for ways to get it back on the table – and fast.

For example, someone might say: “I know that it was completely wrong to cheat on my wife. And I am sincerely sorry. But one of the reasons that I cheated is because of a lack of sex. But now that she has caught me, she hasn’t had sex with me since. I have asked her how long she is going to hold out like this and her response is that she doesn’t know, but that she certainly isn’t going to be giving me sex now. She says that she just needs time. How much time? And, knowing that I cheated because of a lack of sex, why would she withholding sex now? It seems like this is the very last thing that she should be doing.”

Understanding The Gravity Of The Situation: As a wife who has been cheated on, I need to stress how painful and shocking this scenario truly is. This is a huge burden for your spouse to navigate through. Please don’t underestimate what your spouse is dealing with.  Sure, you may be worried that you might cheat again or that the lack of sex might be a motivator for you, but she can not turn her emotions or her body on and off like a light socket. Doing so would make a person feel like they don’t have control over their own wishes.

When your spouse cheats on you, you sometimes don’t feel like having sex with anyone, but much less with your spouse. Why? Because you are hurt and angry. But more than that, because sex reminds you of the fact that your spouse has had sex with someone else. Sex becomes the big, fat, ugly elephant in the room that no one wants to address – at least for a little while.

Your spouse can’t just forget this and go ahead anyway. For many people, they need to be feeling reasonably good about things in order to have sex. There needs to be an emotional connection, trust, and intimacy. Without it, you are just “hooking up,” and your spouse isn’t likely to be excited about “hooking up” when that is what you have been doing with someone else.

What Works Better Than Pressure: I understand that you want to resume intimacy with your wife. But it would probably be more efficient to try to be patient and to try to fix your relationship before you pressure your spouse for sex. Because think about it this way. Do you really want for your spouse to force themselves to do something that they aren’t ready to do out of fear and pressure?

When you pressure your faithful spouse for sex, it appears that what is most important to you is not your spouse’s healing or well being, but your own needs and desires. Your spouse may think that you care more about sex than about how your spouse feels or what she needs.

Not only that, but trying to have forced sex before anyone is ready usually equals bad, awkward sex that probably isn’t going to be all that great for either of you.

Finally, pressuring your spouse to have sex is not the best way to stop cheating. In order to do that, it’s best to take responsibility for what you’ve done and then get help to stop doing it. You can’t blame your spouse’s sex schedule (or lack of it) for that. Sure, if it’s not satisfactory to you, then you can always talk to your spouse about it and try to negotiate something different. But the appropriate way to handle it is not to just get your needs met from someone else. You probably wouldn’t want for your spouse to do this to you.

I can only speak from experience and say that if my husband had pressured me for sex, he would have waited a lot longer to get it than if he was patient and showed consideration for what I was going through. There’s more about that situation at http://surviving-the-affair.com) Frankly, restoring your sex life just takes time after an affair. It is one of those things that you can be damaged even further if you try to force it. Your spouse may resent you for it, believe that you don’t care about their well being, and actually have a pretty bad experience as well.

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Does A Spouse Or Partner Withhold Sex After You Cheated?

By: Katie Lersch: Some wives literally catch their husbands carrying out an affair. They catch him right in the act. But many are actually by themselves when they put two and two together or have indisputable proof. Many have their suspicions before they actually get confirmation. But once they have it, then they have to decide how, and when, they are going to confront him.

Part of answering these questions is anticipating how he is going to respond when he is confronted and presented with evidence. And many wives just aren’t sure about what to expect. This is not the weather that you’re going to be talking about. You’re not going to be confronting him about him forgetting to take out the trash. In fact, this is probably going to be one of the most painful confrontations in your marriage, if not in your life.

A wife might ask: “what might I expect when I confront my husband about cheating? I’ve not come right out and accused him before. But I have certainly hinted about it or asked him why he was out late. He always had a ready excuse. And he acted like I was a paranoid, crazy person for even asking. Well, now I have found emails that leave absolutely no doubt. I have actually known about this for a week. I intended to confront him, but I guess I just can’t bring myself to do it. I have a lot of hesitation about it. I guess I am just not sure how it is going to go. My husband is not one to get angry, but of course he’s going to be mad that I’ve been snooping through his personal things. However, it’s not like I don’t have a good reason. In the emails, he seems pretty serious about the other woman, so I guess a part of me might be afraid that he’s going to tell me that he wants to be with her once all of this is out in the open. At the same time, that doesn’t exactly make sense because this morning, he was totally affectionate to me and he was asking me where I wanted to go on vacation. Would he really be making plans with me if he thought that we wouldn’t be together because of her? I am seriously considering confronting him tonight and getting it over with. But I need to know how he is going to react. I am wondering if I should have my kids stay with friends. He doesn’t have a bad temper, but I’m so angry that, really, he needs to worry about me and not the other way around. Still, I am dreading it. How do men react when they are caught cheating? What can a wife expect?”

This is really hard to predict because there are so many factors that go into this. Some of it depends on how the wife delivers the message. If she is calm, he is more likely to be calm. But that’s a very tall order. And even when things start out calm, they can get emotional quite quickly on the part of either party.

Some men are not that surprised to be caught, while others are. Some men are immediately apologetic and proactive and others are immediately defensive. It really depends on many, many factors. Some men will act one way initially and then change their tune once they see how you react to them.

I certainly think it is a good idea to have the kids stay with friends, since this isn’t something that they should hear, (and even if everyone remains calm, they may sense that something is different.) If you are truly concerned about his reaction, you could always send him an email on that same account. That way, there is no question that the delivery would remain calm because you would not be speaking and there would not be interruptions.

I’m sorry that I can’t make a prediction. But there are so many variables. This is rarely a fun conversation. But most feel it is one that has to happen. It’s very difficult to have this knowledge and not to act on it. At least once it’s out in the open, a dialogue can begin and you can start a path toward a resolution. You get to decide what that resolution is going to be. You may not know the answer to that right now, and much may rest on your husband’s reaction.

But always remember that YOUR reaction – and your wishes and feelings – are every bit as important as his. I think we sometimes lose sight of that. We are so worried about what he is going to feel, act, or do, that forget that we have equal say in this. Never lose sight of that and keep asking yourself how you feel and you what you want. The answers to these questions may change as you go along. But keep asking.

I know that the confrontation is a difficult first step.  But it’s very hard to pretend that you don’t know.  Once it’s out in the open, that hurdle has been crossed.  It’s best to remain as calm as is possible and try not to say something that you can’t take back.  I know that’s easier said than done.  But I also know that things change during recovery, so it helps to be careful not to do, or say, things that are irrevocable.  If it helps, you can read more about some of the things that helped me during a similar time on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Do Cheating Husbands Behave After Being Caught? What Should I Expect?