Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  There are many things that can affect sexual performance, but many of these issues are physical. As we age, we can suffer hormonal changes or injury that can change the way that we have (and enjoy) sex.

You can also have changes in performance based on issues that aren’t at all physical in nature.  They are MENTAL or psychological in nature.  And I can think of no better example than when you are cheated on and therefore suddenly second guess yourself sexually.  So many of us have been through this.  Even very confident people can struggle once we know that our partner has gotten sex from someone else.  We start to think that perhaps there is something wrong with us, or that we are not good in bed, or that we are undesirable in some way.

Of course, no one wants to live this way for very long.  We all want to regain our footing as soon as we can.  Sex is an important part of any relationship.  And assuming that you want to save your relationship, even after the infidelity, you are eventually going to be interested in restoring your sex life also.  Everyone wants to feel as sexually confident as they possibly can so that they can enjoy the intimacy that sex brings to the relationship.

Someone might say: “honestly, I have always had a high degree of sexual confidence.  I’m not trying to brag, but I have a long history of men telling me that I’m the best that they’ve ever had – or pretty close to it.  My husband used to gush about having sex with me.  I’m attractive and that certainly helps. But I also think that I’m pretty skilled – or so I thought.  But after I found out about my husband’s affair, I’ve been totally doubting that. And the other woman isn’t even all that attractive.  That’s what gets me.  That’s what makes me doubt my own skill.  On the bright side, my husband is falling all over himself trying to get me back and begging me not to leave him.  I don’t think that he will cheat again.  He is too afraid of losing me.  But our sex life is very awkward.  I know that I’ve always been an enthusiastic partner,  but now I found myself to be very tentative and this just isn’t like me. I second guess myself.  I watch my husband watching me and I wonder if certain things are jiggling or not looking very attractive and I have never had these types of doubts before.  Not ever. So how do I get my sexual prowess back?  Because I’m starting to think that I’ve lost it with my husband.  And that if I want it back, I’ll have to divorce him and start over with someone else.  I don’t really want to do that.  But I will move on from him rather than have bad sex for the rest of my life.”

That’s the really important distinction – whether or not you truly want to save your marriage or not.  If you don’t, then you’re right, there’s absolutely no reason to suffer through bad sex.  But if you do, then it’s certainly worth it to do the work. I had some of the same concerns as you have and I can say that my sex life is back to being satisfying again.  Yes, there were awkward times.  Yes, there were times when I decided to take a break from that part of our relationship while we were recovering.  Because I strongly believed (and still do) that if the emotional connection isn’t there, then the physical connection is going to suffer.

Part of getting your sexual prowess back, at least for me, was trusting in the person who I was having sex with.  As my husband and I were trying to recover, we definitely had trust and resentment issues.  That’s not great for your sex life – no matter how hard you try to spice it up.

That said, a good sex life can help your marriage to recover – at least partially.  While you still have to do the work, it can help give you confidence that you can still connect on that level and find pleasure in one another.  It can solidify that your husband still finds you attractive (and vice verse.)

I probably don’t have to tell you this, but it helps to be reminded.  NOTHING about you has changed as a result of the affair.  You are 100% the same person now as you were the day before you found out about the infidelity.  Your looks haven’t changed substantially.  Your personality hasn’t changed substantially.  And your sexual technique and skill hasn’t changed substantially.  What has?  Your confidence in your marriage.  Your confidence in yourself.  You get these things back through counseling, self help, and / or hard work.

And you give yourself permission to do whatever you have to do to love yourself again and to gain back your self esteem.  This may include pampering, counseling, a makeover, time with yourself – or whatever else is applicable.  It may seem self-indulgent.  But it is necessary.  Until you can love, adore, and appreciate yourself completely, then you may doubt if he loves you.  And this doubt is going to manifest itself in all sorts of ways or in all sorts of places – like in your bedroom, in your brain, and in your mirror.  Of course, there are techniques that you can learn to increase sexual skill and boost your technique (and you can see them on the right side of this blog,) but it sounds as if you didn’t need any help here before.  But if it would make you feel better to try out something new, then by all means, go for it.

I did embark on some self improvement to boost my confidence (sexual and otherwise) after my husband’s affair and it helped my life in so many ways.  In fact, it helped my life in areas outside of my marriage.  It also really helped with the trust because now I realize that I am capable and worthy no matter what my husband does.  I know that I am going to be OK and that I am going to thrive regardless.  And this is why I don’t worry about the repeat cheating as much.  My husband responded favorably to my new self confidence. There’s more about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives have to deal with a lot of frustration and waiting in order to get their husband to finally admit to an affair. Some wives even have indisputable proof – and still the husband will dig in his heels, look at his wife with the straightest of faces, and insist that he is not cheating when both people know that he is.

So when the husband FINALLY admits to the cheating or confesses, the wife is left to wonder what dramatic turn of events lead to this. She might explain a situation like: “for the past four months, I have known that my husband has been cheating on me. I did not know who he was cheating with. But I could tell that something was seriously wrong by the change in his behavior. Not only that, but a mutual friend actually saw him at a restaurant all over another woman. So I knew that he was having an affair. But no matter how hard I pressed him, he would not admit to it. He basically told me that I was paranoid and crazy. Even worse, he didn’t stop his weird behavior and he didn’t come home any more than he used to. Basically he just kept up the affair, but he continued to insult my intelligence by denying it. Well, last weekend, he came home and announced that there was something that he had to tell me. He finally admitted that he’d been ‘seeing someone else’ (He refused to actually use the word ‘affair.’) But he insisted that it was over. He also said that he wanted to save our marriage and that he wanted to move on. I asked him why he admitted to this all of a sudden. He said that he had decided that it was the right thing to do. I don’t buy this at all. By the dejected look on his face last weekend and by the way that he has been moping around, I would say that she dumped him. But when I brought this up, he denied it. He said that they mutually decided to end it. I very much doubt this. My husband gets angry when I harp on this. And he does not understand why it matters to me. It matters to me because I would honestly feel better if he dumped her. But if she dumped him, then he’s only coming to me with his tail between his legs because he had no other choice. I am the consolation prize. I am not his first choice. And this makes me angry and makes me not as enthusiastic about saving my marriage. How can I find this out? Should I make it my business to find out who the other woman is and ask her?”

I know that some will disagree with me, but I never advocate contacting the other woman. It simply almost never goes well and it almost always makes the wife feel worse instead of better. Plus the other woman is always going to follow her own agenda – not yours.

You can certainly ask your husband to provide you with more information. But you may have more success with going to counseling and allowing the counselor to extract the information. Right now, things are fresh and he isn’t as likely to be as forthcoming. But give it a little time. You DO deserve more answers than he has been giving you, but you also need to understand that his perceptions are going to be somewhat skewed. Just like the other woman has her own agenda, he has his. And it’s just human nature to see things through the lens that is going to hurt the least.

If she did dump him, he probably doesn’t want to dwell on this realization because it is painful and embarrassing. Also, it’s likely to be more painful because it is new. Men often see the affair much more clearly in time. In fact, give him a few weeks or months and he may realize that the affair ending – no matter who broke it off – was the best thing that ever happened to him. And at that time, he may be more forthcoming.

Also, it’s natural for him to hold the information about the affair close to the vest – especially at first – because he may understandably be afraid of how you are going to react. He may not want to hurt you and he may be trying to slant the information in a way that is going to make saving your marriage more likely. He may loosen his grip on this in time.

In terms of an immediate response, I would try something like: “I am going to need much more information than that in the future. I understand that things are very fresh and explosive right now. But you can’t just give me vague answers and expect for me to be satisfied with them, especially if you want to save our marriage. I deserve and want more information than this. I can’t make sound decisions if I don’t have all of the pertinent information.

He may give you more information after this conversation or he may delay for a while longer as he tries to ascertain both of your feelings and wishes. But the truth has a way of coming out in these situations. The only question is when. And, in my opinion and experience, you usually don’t need to invite in more trouble by allowing the other woman into your life.  There’s more about how I handled an affair in my own life on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I would say that most everyone understands the problems that couples have with trust after an affair has damaged their marriage.  But most people assume that the trust issues are going to stem entirely toward the spouse who cheated.  Very few people consider that the cheating spouse may suddenly have trust issues with the faithful spouse.  But this is sometimes what happens.

A faithful wife might explain: “It’s been about five months since I found out about the affair.  And it was a doozy.  He has been cheating with a friend of mine.  Now, she’s certainly not my best friend, but I would call her a close friend.  She’s certainly comfortable at my house and around my children.  Our children are friends.  Her husband is the sweetest, most even-tempered man. And I can not believe that she would do this to me or to him.  Of course, both my husband and her can not apologize enough and are begging their respective spouses not to leave them.  I don’t know what I am going to do about my marriage.  But I am angry and suspicious all of the time.  I think that my situation is worse than most.  Because this woman lives very close by.  So I always have that paranoid feeling that she is right around the corner.  If this isn’t bad enough, yesterday my husband was going to walk the dog and I made some sarcastic comment  about why he suddenly wanted to walk the dog.  He then tried to turn it around on me and said how does he know what I’ve been doing for all of these years when I walk the dog? Later that night, I found him on my facebook feed like he thought he was going to catch me doing something wrong.  I asked him what he was doing.  And he said that he was tired of me acting like he was the only person capable of wrongdoing.  He said that I seem to think mighty highly of the other woman’s husband. It’s crazy that I have to spell this out.  But I will: I have never ever cheated on my husband and I never would.  He can search all he wants, but he will never find evidence that he can’t trust me.  I don’t understand this.  He is the one who can’t be trusted.  Why is he acting like I can’t also?”

This attitude is very common.  And there are couple of reasons that you might be seeing it.  First, people who have affairs can come to believe that affairs are more common than they are.  It helps ease their conscience if they think that everyone is having an affair.  Sometimes, they may confide in a friend or coworker who admits to their own affair.  Sometimes, the other woman will mention mutual acquaintances who are also cheating.  This can lead him to look around him a little more closely (and at you) when he begins to think that the whole world is cheating.

Also, infidelity can bring out a lot of paranoia in a person.  The cheating spouse is typically constantly worried about being caught.  So he starts to become an expert watcher of behavior – including his own —- and yours.

Third, he often worries that you would be justified in retaliating against him.  Family members and friends may be telling him that you deserve much better or could even do better.  He may start to become worried that you will divorce him or start looking for someone better (like the sweet husband of the other woman.)  So he begins to make assumptions that you COULD cheat and might if given the right circumstances.  To prevent this, he starts to let you know that he is watching your behavior in the hopes that this will discourage you from retaliation cheating.

(Note: I know that this thinking is ridiculous.  I’m not saying that it’s logical.  I’m just saying that it’s often how a cheating spouse thinks when they are right in the middle of this.  In fact, many wives have told me that the main clue that their spouse was cheating was that he started accusing her (the wife) of cheating.

Finally, he may be trying to turn the tables on you in the hopes that doing so will bring your attention away from your suspicions of him.  He may know that he deserves your scrutiny and suspicion, but it wears on him just the same.  So to put a stop to it, he tries to turn the suspicion on you, even if he knows in his heart that you have done nothing wrong.  It’s noting more than sleight of hand and he’s trying it in desperation.

So how do you handle this?  In my own experience, you calmly stand your ground. Don’t get too excited or defensive because he may try to say that you protest too much. Simply try something like: “we both know that your inference isn’t true and is slightly ridiculous.  I’ve never cheated. Nor do I intend to.  If I wanted to be with someone else, you’d be the first to know.  This isn’t where we should be placing our attention.  It’s a nice try on your part, but it’s not even remotely valid. It’s frankly unfair and misplaced.  When you’re ready to discuss reality, I’m listening.”

You may have to redirect him a few times until he gets the hint.  In other words, he may not give up immediately.  But as you stand your ground repeatedly and return the attention back to where it belongs – on the legitimate affair – he will often see that he is wasting his time and will give up.  And often, it takes time for him to see that when he really stands up, takes responsibility, and facilitates healing – THAT is when he is going to get the response and progress that he wants – not by playing silly games or trying to turn the tables on the truly innocent party.

My husband tried this strategy for a very short time.  It was very short because I nipped it in the bud immediately.  There’s more on this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: A lot of the people that I hear from are very torn about their marriage after learning about an affair. Very few of us ever think that we will one day consider ending our marriage. But that was before we learned about the affair. And this knowledge can change everything. For many people, an affair is the one thing that they can never tolerate. Still, when you are left with the actual reality of ending your marriage for good, this decision can feel much harder than you ever anticipated.

To that end, many people will attempt to use the tried and true decision making tool of listing the pros and cons. However, when it comes to your own marriage, it can be very hard to be objective about this. So some people consult neutral third parties about the pros and cons. Someone might ask: “objectively, what are the pros of cons of staying in a marriage after an affair? Honestly, I always thought that it would be an absolute no-brainer to divorce my husband if he ever cheated. But I also never thought that this might happen. It was always a theoretical thing because we had a good marriage and I never ever thought that it would be our reality. Now that it is, I find myself having a hard time with the idea of actually ending my marriage, at least immediately. I feel that I owe it to my kids to think about this very, very carefully. So I’m trying to list the pros and cons in a very non-emotional way so that I can make a rational decision. But I’m having a hard time. What are the pros and cons?”

I can certainly list some pluses and minuses. I might be biased, because I did ultimately maintain my marriage. However, I can guarantee you that I seriously pondered all of the cons that I am going to list. What I found when going through this myself is that you can ALWAYS find the flip side of the coin. But ultimately, you’re just going to have to decide if it is the pros or the cons that strike the biggest cord with you. When you read over the list, take notice of any physical sensations or reactions that you feel when you read over it. That will give you clues as to where your true opinion and feelings lie. Keep in mind, though, that your opinions and feelings can and do change during this process. What you feel when the affair is fresh may not be what you feel six months from now.

Pro Number One Of Leaving Your Marriage After An Affair. You Don’t Have To Stick Around For All Of The Hard Work: I can’t lie. The weeks and months following an affair can feel like torture. The pain, confusion, and shock is always there. Worse, every time you see or interact with your spouse, the pain can intensify and you feel and experience it all over again. So, by cutting your losses relatively early, you can theoretically avoid this repetitive process. However, it’s unrealistic to think that you won’t feel the pain (or have a big adjustment to make) even on your own. It’s going to be an adjustment either way. But at least you won’t be confronted with your spouse every day. At least that is the thinking behind this train of thought.

The Flip Side (And The Con) If You Don’t Work Through It, Then It Follows You: I understand why it’s tempting to just run away – especially if you feel sure that you’ll never be able to move on from the affair anyway. However, in a sense, there is really no escaping it. And even if you feel absolutely sure that there’s no salvaging your marriage, it makes sense to work through the healing process anyway so that you can finally one day close the door on this. Because you don’t want to let the baggage of this follow you into your next relationship. You should not have to keep experiencing this loss for the rest of your life. It’s best to work through it once and then move on, regardless of what happens with your marriage.

Pro Number Two: It’s Easier And Kinder For Everyone To Make A Fast And Final Break. There Is Less Confusion That Way: Some people feel that it’s kinder on every one in the family to just cut your losses in the beginning. They feel that there’s no use in getting the kids’ hopes up when they will likely be dashed later. They feel that the certainty of a divorce and walking away is better than the uncertainty or trying, failing, and having everyone be disappointed. I understand the thinking behind this, but there’s always a flip side, which leads me to my next point.

If You Try And Fail, There’s Value In Knowing You Did Everything You Could, Even With The Uncertainty: I understand not wanting to deal with uncertainty, but I think that knowing that you never even tried is, at least for some people, just as bad. At least if you make an attempt, you will be able to sleep easier at night knowing that you at least paused to evaluate all of your options before bailing. And your family will know that you at least tried. I’m not saying that either option is ideal and I think that only you can decide which is MOST ideal for your particular situation, considering the way that you feel. Some people know that there is no way that they can tolerate their cheating spouse for one more day. And others are more open to waiting and seeing what happens.

There is no outcome where no one has to struggle or no one gets hurt. Walking away from your marriage is painful. But recovery after an affair is also painful. Neither is without effort. I think it’s important to ask yourself which future scenario would make you happier – being without your spouse but knowing that you don’t have to deal with them or the fallout of the cheating, or being with your spouse after considerable work but knowing that you overcome the worst of it. Both scenarios will appeal to different sets of people and that is fine. There is no right or wrong answer. There is only what is right for you.

For me, the scenario that appealed the most was a future with a healed marriage.  There were times when I seriously considered striking out on my own, thinking that healing was just too hard and too much to ask.  But being a single parent and being alone was also ALOT to ask.  And frankly, I wanted to grow old with my husband.  That still appealed to me, assuming that we could find a way to heal.  Once we did, I’ve not regretted that decision.  But it is not for everyone. There’s more of this story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many people expect that a husband who is having an affair is not going to be himself, is not going to be thinking clearly, and is not going to be use good judgement.  My grandmother used to say: “there’s no fool like an old fool,” and I find this saying particularly applicable to husbands who have affairs and act like, well, fools – when normally, they are decent, contributing members of society.

So while many people expect men who have affairs to act silly and embarrassing, most people also expect for this type of behavior to pass once the affair is over.  That’s not always the case, though.  Some wives are very upset to discover that their husband intends to keep or prolong at least some of the troubling behavior.

Here’s an example.  Someone may tell a story like this one: “honestly, I had a strong suspicion about my husband’s affair – not because he was cold or distant in the marriage – but just because he started to act very odd.  My husband has never been a high maintenance type of person and suddenly he was spending long hours in the gym and getting spray tans. Suddenly, he started using phrases that are more appropriate for my teenage sons.  He started going to night clubs. He started justifying his irresponsible behavior by saying ‘you only live once’ all of the time.  So I suspected that he was ripe for an affair and it turned out that I was right.  Once I caught him, he promised to break it off and I believe that he has.  I heard him call her and tell her that it was over.  And he has been coming straight home and not going out.  However, he is still getting the spray tans and, although he doesn’t go to the gym anymore, he spends hours working out here at home.  He still talks like a teenager and tries to act like he’s twenty years younger.  It’s very annoying.  And it makes me think that he will eventually have another affair.  I don’t get why a middle aged man would want to act this way. It’s actually very embarrassing to both of us.  What can you do when the affair is over, but your husband is still acting like a fool?”

This Behavior May Actually Stem From Feelings Of Inadequacy: What I’m about to say is going to sound a bit counterintuitive. Your husband might appear as if he THINKS that he has it all worked out.  But when a middle aged man acts the way that your husband is acting, this behavior actually screams of insecurity.  Frankly, it is a bit of a cry for help coming from a man who feels badly about himself.  So while the tanning and the working out might actually look like the vain actions of a man who thinks very highly of himself, I would argue that they are exactly the opposite.  In his own head, he may well think that he is trying to improve himself. But honestly and in reality, he may desperately be trying to be relevant and attractive again because he feels anything but those things.

His feelings of inadequacy and insecurity do not necessarily mean that he is going to have an affair again.  But they can mean that he is hurting and this can make him more vulnerable.  I know that it may be VERY tempting to just tell him that he is embarrassing himself by acting like an old fool.  But that might actually make it worse because it maximizes and reinforces his insecurity.

The Most Efficient Way To Approach It: Frankly, I would let the counselor handle this if you are in counseling.  If you’re not in counseling, I would find relevant passages in whatever self help you are using.  Because if any dialog about this comes from you, then he may think that you have your own agenda and that you are being critical of him and it just makes things worse.  As you strengthen your marriage and he takes accountability, his confidence should increase, which means that you should see less of these efforts of desperation.

Sometimes, the husband has these realizations all on his own.  Unless he is so clueless that he just lives in his own world forever, he often can’t ignore the looks and reactions he gets from other people (and not just from you.)  Yes, he doesn’t want to see those reactions right now, because they would be very painful. But as things calm down, he may not have much of a choice.

I know it’s hard to just look the other way and to bite your tongue.  I had these challenges also. And sometimes, when my husband was acting in a certain way, I would honestly have to excuse myself because I really couldn’t stand it.  This was unfortunate, but it kept me from engaging with him at a time when it would have done no good and it kept me from saying things that I would regret.  Fortunately, that time in our lives ran its course and my husband now acts like a normal, middle aged man.  We don’t really talk about it, but I’d be willing to guess that he’s pretty embarrassed about that time in his life, as it was quite embarrassing, but not uncommon. There’s more of this story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I get a lot of correspondence from folks who do not understand why affair sex is different from marital sex.  Many people report feeling more free or adventurous with the affair partner.  And they do not understand why.  Even after the affair is over, many fully admit that the affair changed them.  Still, they can not hit their sexual groove with their spouse, no matter how hard they try.  This can be upsetting, as many really do want to save their marriages, and they unfortunately take this sexual mismatch to mean that they aren’t meant for or combatible with their spouse, when this isn’t necessarily the truth.

For example, someone might ask something like this: “Let me say this right up front that I love my husband.  I value my marriage.  I always thought that my husband and I knew one another very well and were matched well.  I will admit that our sex life never set the world on fire.  But quite frankly, I didn’t know any better at the time because until very recently, I have only been with my husband. I had to travel for three months with my job.  While there, I met a man and had an affair.  I am very guilty about this and it is not like me.  I have not told anyone about this and I never will.  But I was a different person with the other man.  I was very free both in my personality and during sex. It was like night and day.  Once the three month assignment with my job ended, of course the affair was over.  There was never any thought to keep it going.  I love my husband and I’m pretty sure that the other man loves his wife.  I see no reason to tell my husband about the affair.  It would only hurt him and there’s no reason for it.  I had hoped that my sexual adventures would help my sex life with my husband.  They have not.  I am still very shy sexually with my husband and I am not sure why.  He’s a good man and he does nothing to make me feel self conscious.  I don’t know why I can’t feel free sexually around him when I was able to do so around a virtual stranger.”

I can’t say either, but I can certainly tell you my theory.  What I’m hearing from you is something that I commonly hear, actually.  It’s not as rare as you might think.  I personally believe that people often feel more “free” or “uninhibited” during an affair for two key reasons.  I will list the reasons below.

An Affair Is Not Thought Of As Being Long Term: First, many are fully aware that the affair is temporary.  They know that it won’t last and that they can just walk away.  Think about this.  How many times have you felt more free (and like a different version of yourself) when you were on vacation (especially when you were on vacation as a young person?) An example would be spring break.  You felt free and joyful because you’re able to escape real life.  You know that what you do on vacation will stay on vacation and you likely won’t have to revisit it or answer for it.

The same is true of an affair.  You’ll have the experience and then you will walk away and go back to regular life.  This allows you to let down the persona that you carry in regular life.

It’s Like Running With Scissors: The second reason that people tend to believe that they feel “free” during in affair is because the act is kind of forbidden.  It’s sort of like running with scissors when you are a kid.  It feels dangerous, and therefore, quite thrilling.  Honestly, I don’t believe that it is anything more than these two things.  I know that some people think I’m cynical when I say these things, but I don’t believe that good sex with a virtual stranger makes the stranger in any way special.  It may mean that he is in the right place at the right time and nothing more than that.

Nor do I think that hitting a sexual rough patch with a good and loving man needs to mean that you aren’t a good match or that your marriage can’t be a great one.  Perhaps you can create that sense of danger or something forbidden in your own marriage.  People do this all the time when they go to bars, pretend their spouse is a stranger and then “go home” with the stranger / spouse.  This is a healthy way to feel like you’re living dangerously (when there is no danger involved) and it’s certainly preferable to having an affair.

Frankly, by definition, our marriage is our safe place to fall.  That is in direct contrast to the “dangerous” thrill of an affair.  Sometimes you have to work to find a happy balance between the two.  But I believe that the feeling of freedom during affair sex is nothing more than the combination of it being temporary and of it being forbidden.  To me, it’s nothing more than that.

If you need to spice up your sex life in your marriage, there are all sorts of resources for that.  But I think it would be silly to give up on a good man before you give this your best try. It took my husband and I awhile to hit our stride again sexually after the affair.  If it helps, there’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who very much regret cheating on their spouse. Despite their regret, these folks are very grateful. Because they are among the lucky few whose spouse has decided that, despite the cheating, they are still loved. Many of these spouses know that they are very fortunate to still be in their marriage, when their spouse could very easily be justified in just walking away.

Still, they often can’t deny that there is some undeniable damage to the marriage because of the cheating. Often, the spouse who cheated acknowledges and is well aware that the damage is their fault and lies within them. Still, in order to make their marriage as good as it can possibly be, they often want to try to address this damage. One example of the type of damage that you might see is that of sex and confidence in the relationship.

For example, I might hear from someone who says: “I admit that the cheating was all my fault. It is all on me. My husband was going through a very stressful situation and understandably, could not give me as much undivided attention as I might have wanted. I handled this like a spoiled brat. I looked for attention somewhere else. I never intended to end my marriage or to leave my husband. And I think that this is why he took me back and isn’t pursuing a divorce. My husband is not one to play games. He has straight-up told me that he still loves me and that when he committed to me it was ‘for better or for worse.’ So he’s not pretending that he is going to leave me or anything like that. He’s made it clear that he’s in this for the long haul. And I am very grateful for this. It is more than I deserve. We are getting by in our marriage. We are both really trying. I find myself insecure even though my husband has not given me any reason to be. I find myself thinking that just as soon as I start to get comfortable again, my husband is going to realize that he can do better than me. He is going to realize that there are women out there who would not need so much attention and would not cheat on him when they don’t get it. He may realize that someone else is better suited to him than I am. This also comes out when we are having sex. Sometimes, I find myself getting into it, but I pull back. I almost don’t want to be adventurous in bed because I don’t want him to see me as someone who is promiscuous or too free in bed. I don’t want him to worry that I am going to cheat again or that I can’t control myself. At the same time, I do not want for him to think that I don’t enjoy it. I find myself not sure how to act.”

I think that, if possible, you don’t want to “act” in any certain way. Ideally, you want to be free to express and be yourself. I know that this isn’t always completely possible so soon after an affair, but this is what you’re shooting for eventually. I think that, for right now, it’s probably best to follow your husband’s lead during sex. If he’s not indicating anything adventurous, follow the lead that he is giving you about his comfort level. As more time passes and you both begin to heal, you will likely feel more confident and comfortable.

Speaking of confidence, I do understand why you feel insecure. You feel that you let your husband down and that you are not worthy of him. From my experience with my own husband, I’ve learned that the only way that you’re likely to feel worthy once again is to prove yourself to be the wife that your husband deserves. This is going to take time. It will likely require work, change, and sacrifice on your part. But it’s certainly better than living your entire married life worrying that you are not good enough.

Yes, you made a mistake. And yes, you need to show remorse and rehabilitation for that mistake. You also need to fix whatever need you have for attention when your husband can’t provide it so that this doesn’t happen again. But beyond that, it really is up to your husband to decide who and what he deserves. As it seems that he has made his choice, then the best that you can do is to be grateful for it and to work very hard at being the spouse you know that he deserves.

You have to accept that this will take time. But when years have gone by and you have repeatedly and over time made this man happy and have been loyal, patient, and kind, then I’d be willing to bet that you won’t worry nearly as much that he deserves and will want better. Because by that time, you will have proven yourself. At least this was the case in my own marriage. Neither of us worry if my husband is deserving or not. We both know without question that he is. There’s more about our journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There’s no question that many wives hesitate about when, how, and if to confront their husband about a known affair. I think that, at least in part, this is because most people realize that once that line is crossed and the cat is out of the bag, there is no going back. Your marriage will never be the same – at least not exactly. You can’t go back to that place of ignorance or to the calm before the storm.

No, once you make that confrontation, you will have to deal with the lid being blown off of your marriage, at least for awhile. And suddenly, everything is under scrutiny, everything is in question, and unavoidable conflict is in your path.

That’s why some wives come to wish that they had never let the cat out of the bag. For example, someone might say: “honestly, on the day that I confronted my husband about his affair, I almost called it off. I think that this is because I knew in my heart that confronting him was going to seriously put our marriage in jeopardy, which is not what I wanted. Honestly, I am being very truthful when I say that my husband and I were actually very happy. The affair was actually just a fling he had with an ex-girlfriend who was leaving the country and probably isn’t ever coming back. In that sense, the affair was not a real threat to our marriage, although it did not feel like that at the time. However, once I confronted him, our good marriage didn’t feel so good anymore. We said awful things to one another. My husband started to question if we were compatible, and that easy rapport that we have always had with one another now seems to be gone. I honestly feel now that if I just had kept my mouth shut and not confronted him, we would be mostly happy right now and we would not be on the verge of divorce. I’m really mad at myself that I just did not turn and look the other way. Now I’m worried that there is no way to undo what has been done.”

The Impossibility Of “Unknowing.” I’m sorry you are going through this. And you are right that you can not turn back time. You can’t undo what has been done. At this point, it would be impossible to pretend that the affair – and the fall out from it – never happened. Plus, it’s somewhat easy to assume that if no confrontation would have happened, you would still be happy. But I don’t think that you have any way of knowing that. The truth is, your husband may have gone on with his life with the way that things were, but it is doubtful that you could. Because even without a confrontation, you can’t “unknow” about the affair. Once the knowledge is there, it is very hard to pretend that you just don’t know. And even if you don’t say anything about it, there’s a very good chance that it would have still eaten away at you and at your marriage. And unless your husband is just very nonobservant, he would likely have noticed that something was going on with you, even if he wasn’t sure what.

Moving Forward Instead Of Moving Back: So no, you can’t go back. But you can move forward. Yes, sometimes you do get stuck as you and your spouse struggle not to turn on each other in all of the conflict and shock. I remember thinking that in many ways, my own husband, who I’d known for half of my life, seemed like a stranger to me in the aftermath of the affair. I simply did not recognize him anymore and I could not envision a future where he would ever look the same to me again.

Therefore, we needed help to get over the hump. And it may turn out that yourself and your husband could benefit from some self help or counseling also. This isn’t always fun, but the good news about it is that, even though you can’t put the lid back on the jar, you can repair what has been broken. And frankly, as painful as the repair job can be, I think that this can better than just wishing that you had never learned the truth. Because if you never make the confrontation and you and your husband never work through it, then you can’t really fix things. You may always live with closet resentment. And that’s going to be difficult and affect your marriage also.

The truth is that once the knowledge of the affair seeps in, there is no way to un-ring the bell. That knowledge alone is going to change things – whether you confront him or not. At least by confronting him you have the chance to really see this through and to potentially fix those broken things (if you choose to go that route.) To me, this is better than sticking your head in the sand and pretending not to know, but everyone has to make that decision for themselves.

And now that the confrontation has happened, there is nothing to do but to make the best of the situation as it lies before you. If you and your husband need help rebuilding, there is no shame in that. The real shame would be in not finding a way to move past this – regardless of what happens in your marriage. Whether you choose to remain married or not, healing has to be the real goal. And healing isn’t possible unless you’re willing to shine a light on what is real. Sometimes, that light is painful and bright. But it allows the start of healing to take place.

There were times when I truly didn’t know if I wanted to heal because the process was so painful.  But now, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Those days were hard, but they gave us the marriage that we have today. There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s often very painful to see the affair through the eyes of your spouse, especially when he is clinging to the thought that it is “something special” or “something real” when you know that this isn’t the truth.  It’s hard to sit by and watch him fantasize about something that clearly isn’t even close to reality.

A wife might explain: “my husband is sure that the woman he cheated with wants to be with him forever.  He feels like he has fallen in love.  He’s too stupid to see that she is only with him because of what he can give her.  She’s trying to advance herself and my husband offers her financial and career gain. And as soon as she gets what she wants, she’s going to drop him.  I’ve actually met with her and at that time she assured me that she had no interest whatsoever in taking my husband away from me. I have also hired someone to check her background.  She does not have the professional background that she claims to have.  She has a bankruptcy in her financial past.  She also has children, which she has never told my husband about.  Once, I hid to watch them when they were at a restaurant together and I literally saw her roll her eyes at my husband when he went to the bathroom and wasn’t looking.  She clearly is only using him. But my husband refuses to see this. I am trying to get my husband to go to counseling with me, but he keeps putting me off.  And I honestly think that this is because he’s holding out hope that he can have a future with her. I have told him what the other woman said, but he doesn’t believe me. I have told him about the bankruptcies, but he just shakes his head at me. I suspect that he thinks I am just saying this to manipulate him. But I am trying to show him that this relationship is not real.  It is all built on a persona that is all fake.  How do I get him so see this?”

This is the million dollar question and there is an extremely frustrating irony in all of this.  Often, the more you try to make him see what is so very obvious, the more he is going to resist reality. And you need to understand why so that you know what you are dealing with.  Because understanding why he doesn’t want to know the truth may help you to come up with a way around his thinking.   Here is the thing.  He is strongly invested in staying in the dark.  Why?  Because like any typical person dealing with the insecurity that comes with aging, he wants to feel special.  He wants to feel as if a woman whom he thinks so highly of (even if this thinking is misplaced) reciprocates his feelings.  This is easier for him to believe than to see the truth – that he’s an older man who is only being used by someone who is only looking out for herself.  No one wants to see themselves as this desperate or this lonely.  No one wants to see themselves as a sap who is being used.

So when you show up with proof in an attempt to force him to face this harsh reality, then he is going to resist you.  Because facing the truth is painful.  He does not want for you to be right.  He wants to continue to believe that he is special and alluring to this person.

However, often, there comes a time when reality can not be denied.  Usually though, this doesn’t come about because the wife makes him see the truth.  This comes about because he either finally sees the other woman for who she is, or the other woman tires of him and she breaks it off.  I know that it is frustrating to feel like you have to just sit there and wait while he acts and looks very stupid.  But the reality is, that he isn’t likely to believe the truth when it is coming from you. And he may even be angry at you (even if he knows that you are right.)

As hard as it is, you are usually better off just letting the inevitable happen.  If she really has no interest in him other than just career gain, then this process shouldn’t take very long.  He will realize that it is not a real relationship once she ends things or her motivation becomes obvious to him.  Women like this tend to take what they can and then move on to the next man in pretty short order. I know that none of this makes it any easier for you.  And I am so very sorry about that because I have been there.  But, I also know that the more you push painful reality into his face, the more he will turn away from it.  You have to sometimes bide your time and know that winning the war is more worthwhile than winning the battle.

I would not rule out counseling.  You can go yourself if he is resistant.  That way, when the affair comes to its inevitable end, you will have made good use of your time and you would have made yourself stronger.  He may at that time see that you have made progress and agree to come along.

But, a relationship that isn’t real can’t exist on fluff forever.  It is inevitable that he will eventually have no choice but to face reality.  And if you just wait, he will have no reason to be angry with you when he does.

You know, it took a while before my husband could finally admit out loud what an idiot he was.  He finally admitted this himself, without any prompting from me.  And it felt good.  But, this didn’t come until later.  In the early days after discovery, he would get angry and defensive any time I pointed out his stupidity.   He had to eventually see it for himself.  We’re more than past this now.  But I remember feeling some vindication when he was able to see his mistakes very clearly. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s normal for people who love us to become outraged on our behalf when our spouse has cheated.  Many of our family and friends are every bit as hurt and shocked as we are. Often, it feels quite good to commiserate with them and to compare notes as to what an awful guy our husband is – until we change our minds.

Sometimes, there comes a point when we decide that we owe it to ourselves (or to our children) to try to save our marriage.  When this happens, we can wonder how in the world we are going to break this to those friends and family members who stood so closely by us.  You can worry that they are going to be angry with you or think that you are crazy or even weak.

Someone might explain: “I never intended to tell my parents about my husband’s affair.  At first, I tried to make it seem like my husband was going out of town, so I was just going to take advantage of the opportunity to stay at their house and to spend more time with them.  But once I was sitting with them at dinner, I started to cry.  And my dad asked me what was wrong.  And everything came spilling out.  My father was absolutely furious.  He went over to my home and screamed at my husband.  I actually thought they were going to come to blows. My father threatened my husband and told him that he had better not EVER see him around anymore.  The whole time that I stayed with my parents, my dad raged about my husband.  My dad was so hurt because he saw my husband as his second son.  He took my husband under his wing and spent a lot of time with him, so he was angry that my husband repaid him by cheating on his daughter. I understand this.  I was angry, too.  I participated in those dinner-time bashings of my husband.  But eventually, my husband and I started talking again. My husband took the initiative and found a counselor. By no means am I saying that I am sure that we will be able to work things out.  It possible that we will not be successful.  But I feel that I owe it to both of us to try.  I figure that if we try and it doesn’t work out, then at least I can know that I did give it my all.  I feel pretty decent about this decision. But I am scared to tell my family, especially my dad, because I feel like he’s going to be furious with me and so very disappointed.  How do I broach this topic without my dad thinking that I am crazy?”

I understand your hesitation.  You feel as if your father was a huge source of support and now you almost feel as if you owe it to him to remain loyal and to remain furious at your husband.  You almost feel as if it is betrayal to your father to give your husband a bit of a chance.  This is understandable.  But the truth is that this is no one’s marriage but your own.  So the decision is yours alone.  Of course, people can and will have their own opinions.  There is nothing that you can do about that.  But truly, the outcome of your marriage is not anyone else’s decision because no one else but you and your husband will be living in the marriage.

As to how to explain it, I think that you have to acknowledge the support that your family has given you, but ask that they support you in another way.  You might try something like: “Dad, I want to talk to you about something and I’m not sure that you are going to like this conversation, but it is a conversation that we need to have.  Words can not express how much I appreciate how much support you have given me in the last several weeks.  I do not know what I would have done without it.  But now, I’m going to ask you to support me in another way.  I’ve decided that, for my own peace of mind, I need to try to save my marriage.  I may or may not be successful with this.  But I feel that I at least need to try. I know that this is going to put you in an awkward situation and I know that the two of us may have to talk about other things for a while and put conversations about my marriage off of the table.  That’s OK.  My wanting to give my marriage one more try does not change my love for and appreciation of you.  And I hope that it doesn’t change your love for me.”

I think that it’s important to draw that line – that him supporting you is about his LOVE for you.  We don’t always have to like the path that our children are taking, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t support them anyway.  Yes, this may bring about fresh challenges.  But I think you will be okay if you navigate them with love and remember that your marriage is YOUR marriage.  People may have their opinions and wishes but the only opinions and wishes that should matter are yours.  You can still be your father’s daughter and love him very much, but keep your marriage separate from your relationship with your family.

Navigating extended family while trying to save my own marriage was tough, which is why I learned to be very selective about WHAT I shared and with whom.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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