Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: A husband’s motivations after cheating can be hard to gauge. Some husbands seem most concerned with their marriage. Some are most concerned about their kids. And others seem concerned about things that have nothing to do with relationships. Money is one example.

A wife might say, “When I caught my husband cheating, the biggest thing he seemed concerned about was whether I was going to divorce him and take all of his assets. We have worked hard over our long marriage and we do have some assets. I’m certainly not going to give them up. That’s not my concern right now, though. My concern is our family, our marriage, and our lives.”

 “This has altered and changed everything. I question the life I thought I knew. I doubt my own perceptions because I didn’t see any warning signs. I have so many concerns going forward. But money isn’t one of them. Because I know that I am not at fault. However, in his heart, my husband must know he is at fault because he’s obsessed with money now.”

“It’s disappointing. He’s made half-hearted attempts to talk about our marriage, and he’s asked after our family. But those concerns seem secondary. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to divorce, but it seems it is all about the money, not the love. How do I ever process this?”

Nothing is easy after an affair, is it? It seems that there are just countless things that you have to worry about. And, if the world were fair, HE would have to deal with all of them too. It’s particularly annoying when it appears that he’s only cherry-picking the concerns that he wants to prioritize. However, as daunting as it may seem, there are considerations that you may not have had on your radar, as follows.

He May Be Mentioning Money Because He’s Not Prepared to Discuss Feelings and Emotions:  Just because your husband isn’t bringing up marriage and family, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he isn’t thinking about it. 

Sometimes, the cheating spouse doesn’t mention it because he is afraid of rejection or of getting his hands slapped away. He’s afraid that you’re going to tell him something that he doesn’t want to hear. After all, money is intimately tied to your marriage. A loss of money would mean a divorce, which means he IS thinking about your marriage, he’s just not necessarily confident enough to ask you about it.

Many people don’t ask a question to which they do not know the answer, especially when they are in a vulnerable situation like this one. So it’s not always a correct assumption to think he cares nothing about the marriage.

Money May Be a Concrete Place to Place His Focus: Along the same lines as above, it is often easier to talk about concrete issues that you can see and touch like money. Abstract things like feelings, wishes, sorrow, shame, and guilt, are much harder to verbalize and discuss.  

So he may be tap dancing around it or using the money issue to brush up against the things he’s not able to verbalize in the early stages of recovery. This doesn’t excuse him, but it might give you a different perspective. 

How to Address His Focus on Money:  It is obvious that this bothers you, and no one can blame you for that. If you want it to stop, you can attempt to address it. The next time he says something about money, try something like: “I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do moving forward. But your constant focus on money instead of me, my well-being, our family, and our marriage is incredibly disappointing. The money should be secondary to more important things. The money will come after we shift through what happens with everything else. I’m not necessarily motivated to worry about money when you don’t seem to care about me and my well-being.”

He might respond by telling you that money isn’t his primary concern. You might then get the reassurance and the emotion that you’ve wanted to see all along.

Know That You Don’t Always Get What You Need at First Unless You Ask For It:  Every faithful wife wants a husband who immediately shows love, remorse, concern, guilt, and shame. But this doesn’t always happen. Many people aren’t sure how to react and so they pull back, or they posture, or they are waiting to see what happens.

Things may go slowly at first as you feel each other out, but as time goes by, he may change his stance, and you may see his behavior change and improve. 

Again, I’m not trying to defend him, but I’m trying to reassure you that what you are seeing right now may not be what you are stuck with for the duration.

You may have to eventually tell your husband what you need, want, and expect moving forward. I know that it feels weird and unfair that you have to define it. But I had to, and so did many other wives I know.  

Sometimes, telling him what you need and want is the only way to ensure he’ll understand what you expect so that you can actually get what you need, so that you can begin to move forward and heal. 

I definitely had to spell it out for my husband. And yes, my husband was concerned about the nitty gritty of every day finances as a defense mechanism, but as time passed, he became more comfortable talking about feelings, and it became clear to him that I required it. Eventually, we talked very openly, and this is one of the things that allowed us to eventually heal. You can read more about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When your spouse cheats on you, then you suddenly challenge the view you had of him. You suddenly rethink all of the attributes you thought he had. If you thought he was honest or honorable, you might rethink that. If you thought he put his family above everything else, that’s now in question. If you thought he had no secrets, obviously you were wrong.

All these blown assumptions might make you also re-think your behavior and the freedoms and benefits your husband enjoys. One example is access to kids, especially if you are not sure the affair is over and your husband is living somewhere else – even temporarily.

A wife might say, “As soon as I found out my husband had been cheating, I kicked him out. I told him he could go and stay with my brother, with whom he is close. This isn’t costing him any money, and my brother has more than enough room. Frankly, I’m not sure if he’s ended things with the other woman because he has been asking to come home. And when he does, he tells me he will break it off if I will let him come back. Since I am not letting him come back, I can’t be assured that it is over. He has asked to see the kids, and again, I don’t want any possibility that my kids would be around this woman. And I’m not sure I want my kids around someone with so little integrity as my husband. I have sons. I don’t want that type of influence on them. I don’t want them to grow up and cheat on their wives. But when I tell my husband this, he acts as if this punishment isn’t reasonable. He says that I know he loves our sons and he would never hurt them or not be a good parent. I am torn. My kids are the most precious thing I have. I want to protect them. Is this so wrong?”

It’s not necessarily wrong. I understand your inclination. I honestly do. But something similar happened in my family growing up. And not having access to my dad, as a result, was more damaging to me than protective of me. I believe that, when possible and safe, children should have access to both parents. However, I understand and applaud your wanting to have safeguards in place. So I believe that there is a way you can compromise and provide both things, as follows:

Allow Your Husband to Visit His Kids with You or Some Other Trustworthy Adult Present: I completely understand your being concerned about your kids being exposed to the other woman. I don’t think anyone would want that right now. To keep that from happening, you can ask your husband to visit the house when you or another trusted individual are present. That way, no one has to worry about a third party.

While your husband may balk at this initially, if you calmly ask him to please just humor you so that you’re comfortable, he will hopefully relent. You’re not saying he can’t see the kids, you’re just asking for a little reassurance and safeguards.

Try to See the Differences Amongst Family Relationships:  There is no doubt that your husband’s relationship with you is damaged and may be altered – at least until you can heal and fix it – if that is what you want to do.  

But that doesn’t necessarily mean that his relationship with his children is altered. The betrayal is between you and him. Not he and his children. Try to keep the two separate in your mind because they truly are. I believe someone can be a good parent even if they have made a grave mistake in their marriage. And I was the faithful spouse. My husband cheated on me. So I have a unique perspective, but I still believe that. 

Make It Clear You Aren’t Making Deals About Ending the Affair:  Your husband has told you that he’ll end it if you let him come back, but that’s not necessarily good faith. No, good faith would be ending it even if he has no reassurance that you’re letting him come back. In truth, he should end it because cheating with another woman while he is married to you is wrong. And if he wants to have any chance with you – whenever and however you give it – he should ask for it as someone who is no longer cheating. If he is really serious about reconciliation, then he should take his chances. End the affair and show a true effort.

If you want to make that clear, you might try something like, “You should end the affair regardless of any promises I make you. I don’t know what I want right now. I’m not yet ready for you to come back. But I couldn’t even consider it if I knew you were still cheating. End the affair. Stop cheating, and perhaps in time, I will consider allowing you to return once we heal. I will not consider it if you keep cheating. It is that simple.”

You have every right to ask your husband to deal with you fairly. And, I’m certainly not a lawyer or psychiatrist, but I think it’s fair that you ask your husband not to expose your kids to a third party that you don’t know and didn’t welcome into their lives. 

But I don’t think you have to keep him away from his kids without trying to negotiate and compromise. It’s important to try your best to minimize the effect of the affair on your kids. If you let it affect your kids’ ability to see their father, then you’ve let it affect their lives. And that is not fair to them. 

It is not fair to you for him to delay breaking it off.  You’re within your rights to ask him to do that, if he wants to have a chance with you or to come back home.  And you don’t need to make him any promises.  He can do it as a sign of good faith – regardless of what you eventually decide.  I ultimately decided to make my marriage work, but that is a very personal decision.  I’ve not regretted it.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Most people think they know how they will react when and if their spouse cheats on them. Many of them have gone over it in their minds more than a few times. However, once it happens to you, you might find that you’ll feel and do things you never anticipated. Your reaction might be completely surprising or even upsetting. You might partake in behaviors or thoughts that you never considered possible – such as cheating for revenge or to feel better. 

Someone might say, “I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life. I’ve never wanted to. I consider myself someone with integrity. And before my husband cheated on me, I was completely and totally committed to him. I would have made any sacrifice for him and put in any amount of effort that was necessary to make things work. But he did cheat on me. And coming back from this has been harder than I ever imagined possible.”

“His betrayal made me doubt myself, and it hurt the way I saw and valued myself. It dramatically affected my self-worth. I didn’t tell many people about the affair, so my husband hasn’t suffered many repercussions. He hasn’t lost any standing in the community or with his job. Sure, he had to deal with me, but ultimately, he hasn’t lost much. I feel like I’ve lost so much more.”  

“And, I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I’m finding myself flirting with a friend at work. We’ve been friends for a long time. This guy is a shameless flirt, but I’ve always been professional with him, until now. Sometimes, I find myself tempted to cheat just to get back at my husband and feel better about myself. It worked out fine for my husband, after all. So why shouldn’t I?”

Because Revenge Cheating Comes with a Cost: I can’t decide for anyone else. And you will have to do what is right for you. But here is what I can tell you. I’ve seen couples dealing with “revenge cheating” and it typically just creates a much bigger mess.

As the faithful spouse myself, I know what you are going through. But as you have already seen, healing from one bout of cheating is difficult. I would argue that since you are considering seeking revenge, you haven’t completely healed yet. There’s no shame in that. True healing takes time. It is not easy. It is not fast.

Now imagine adding another dose of cheating to the mix. Your husband may then feel like he’s in the clear. He may think that he no longer needs to be the one who is sorry. He’s no longer a second-class citizen in the marriage because you cheated as well. So now you’ve even steven because you both did it. So you should both just be able to move on since both sides were in the wrong. (Or at least this may be your husband’s thinking if you cheat.)

But here’s where the cost comes in. You didn’t completely heal from the first betrayal and now you won’t have the opportunity to heal from the second. Your marriage would have been dealt a second blow, which will obviously damage it even more. The negative feelings and uncertainty that you’ve been living with will now only multiply rather than get better.

The Damage You’ll Have Done to Yourself:  So far, I’ve mostly talked about the damage you might do to your marriage. Now I want to talk about the damage you might do to yourself. You said that you were a person of integrity and that’s wonderful. That shows self-discipline, self-respect, and self-love.  

But if you cheat, you have lowered yourself to your husband’s behavior. And you’ll know in your heart that you allowed your integrity to be compromised. That leaves a dark mark on your soul. You must know in your heart that you’ve above this behavior.

You’re not in love with your coworker. There’s no upside to changing your relationship with him. It is bound to make things awkward between you and cause issues at work in addition to the other issues you are dealing with. 

In your heart, you know all of this. You’re hurting and you want it to stop, so it’s tempting to lash out. It’s tempting to make him feel the pain that you are feeling. If he, too, has to deal with a cheating spouse, he’ll actually have to feel what you’ve felt. And then and only then might he appreciate what you’ve been dealing with.

But with that knowledge comes twice the damage. Twice the pain. Twice the guilt. Twice the rebuilding. It’s a stain on your heart, your soul, and your marriage that you just don’t need to willingly allow.

As hard as it may be to hear, the quickest path to feeling better is not cheating yourself, it’s doing whatever is necessary to really and truly heal the first time. If your husband isn’t giving you what you need to do that, you can ask, but you can also seek it for yourself. You can make yourself your highest priority. You can get counseling if you need it. You can seek out people who love and support you (not romantically for now,) and you can love yourself because you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

There is power in knowing that you are the innocent party. Don’t taint that by becoming jointly responsible for the damage. Don’t step into the mire when you don’t have to. Focus your attention on making things better, not on making them worse. 

I know that easier said than done. But I am glad I never stooped to my worst impulses. And I did eventually cobble together a complete healing.  You can read about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lerch: For people who do not and would not cheat on their spouse, adultery is a confusing topic. Many of us have known (and even loved) someone who cheated and who just couldn’t seem to control themselves. That person might have even perceived the cheating behavior as exciting, energizing, or mesmerizing. And this can be very confusing to people who don’t behave this way.

A faithful wife might say, “About five years ago, I became friends with a mom at my son’s preschool. We became quite close. And after some time, she confided in me that she was having an affair. She was absolutely giddy as she would recount how she would sneak around and meet this man all over town. She didn’t seem to feel much guilt at all. She was mostly just happy. However, when her husband found out, she took no time at all to decide that she’d rather save her family. She gave the affair up, but sometimes, she talked about it longingly, like something she missed very much.”

“Ironically, all these years later, I am going through the same thing with my husband. But I am the faithful spouse. It is my husband who was walking around the house giddy and like a schoolboy. I knew that something was up because he was acting so weird. And he too, had that same excited look in his eyes that my friend had. He too seemed hyped up on adrenaline. But just like my friend, when I told him that I would leave him, he ended the affair, or so he said. And he’s acting like he gave something up. I don’t understand. I guess I am just a different sort of person, but lying to someone I love and sneaking around would only make me anxious. No relationship or person would make me act that way. That’s just ignoring good sense and common decency. I just don’t get what’s so exciting about behavior as deplorable as adultery.”

I’m completely with you. I was the faithful spouse, and I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life – nor would I. I too am highly anxious when it comes to wrongdoing. I would feel like I was going to be caught the whole time. I would feel guilty the whole time. So I’d get absolutely no enjoyment out of it.  

But everyone is different. And I’ve spoken with people who have affairs. I believe I understand at least some of why they feel energized by the adultery. I’ll attempt to explain it below.

It’s Something New and Novel:  Many of us get into repetitive habits in our lives. We have to do the same tasks in our jobs, in our chores, and sometimes, it feels like – in our relationships. This isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault. It takes all of these things to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. No one is at fault for their necessary habits.  

But, for some, these habits can make life feel dull. So when something new and novel comes along, that can feel exciting. The irony of this, of course, is that no relationship can be “new” forever. Common sense will tell you that eventually, the relationship will run its course and it will feel every bit as much like a habit as the marriage. Of course, most people do not have the insight to see this at the time, unfortunately.

It’s Forbidden:  Do you remember when you were a toddler and the thing you weren’t supposed to touch was the very thing you wanted to touch? Even if that thing could hurt you? It was so tempting because it was forbidden. Of course, none of us are toddlers anymore, and we should know better. But for some, it is really the same principle. They know they shouldn’t be doing it. They know they could be caught. So that makes it seem more alluring – at least at first. Of course, once they are caught, that will often break the spell. They realize that they could lose their family. And they see how foolish they were to allow that type of risk.

They Convince Themselves that the Adultery is Exciting or Special: I believe that there’s one thing that many people don’t appreciate as a big contributing factor to an affair – availability. Quite often, the other person is simply available when the spouse is vulnerable. It’s somehow a perfect storm at an unfortunate time. And, because it just sort of falls into the spouse’s lap and they want to take advantage of it, they will try to convince themselves of all sorts of things to justify their adultery.

They’ll convince themselves that there is a flaw with the marriage even if this isn’t true. They’ll try to tell themselves that there is something special about the other person even though there usually isn’t. ( In fact, if it had been another person available at the time, then the affair would have likely taken place with a completely different person) Finally, the spouse having an affair has a vested interest in convincing themselves that the affair is oh-so-exciting because they want justification for carrying it out. 

That doesn’t mean that any of those things are true. It just means that the spouse wants to believe it. 

I am not listing these things because I want you to believe or buy any of them. I am with you that I couldn’t participate in them, either. But I do want to try to help you understand that there is nothing wrong with you. And that you did nothing wrong. This excitement the cheating spouse thinks they feel isn’t a lack on your part. It’s fooling themselves on their part.

That’s why I strongly suggest doing everything in your power to care for yourself and restore your self esteem, if necessary.  You are not broken.  You are not the problem.  And for many people, adultery isn’t exciting.  It’s painful.  However, I believe you can heal because I have done it.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people understand why a faithful spouse might have a huge amount of anger toward a cheating spouse. It’s also understandable that this anger might contribute to some harsh behavior. However, when the harsh behavior crosses the line or is unrelenting, the cheating spouse may think it’s become unfair.

A cheating spouse might explain, “I am fully aware that my behavior was wrong. I know that this is all my fault and that my spouse is the innocent party. I know that I deserve some chilly treatment. I don’t expect her to be affectionate to me right now. I don’t expect her to treat me well or to be on her best behavior. I don’t expect her to trust me blindly. But it has been more than a few months now, and she still acts as if I’m a criminal. She acts like I am the most horrible person on earth who is worthy of constant contempt. She makes fun of my appearance. She ridicules my clothing and my mannerisms. She mocks the things I say. It is as if her main goal every day is to hurt my feelings as much as possible. It’s very spiteful. Again, I understand why she’d want to treat me this way, but it seems excessive. And it feels like she’ll never stop. She’s being as mean as possible on purpose.”

I am somewhat ashamed to admit this, but some of the things I said and did to my husband after his affair was somewhat horrible. They were most definitely spiteful and mean. I wanted them to hit him with maximum pain. However, I’d never do that today. I’ll share why I was hateful and what changed below.

She May Be Trying to Make You Feel the Pain She Felt:  I believe that the main reason I was hateful to my husband is that I wanted him to feel the uncertainty and self-doubt that I felt when I found out he has cheating. When you are a faithful spouse, it takes a huge toll on your self-esteem. You don’t feel desirable anymore. You wonder why you were so stupid that you missed the clues. You wonder if the best part of life and your marriage has passed you by. Your insecurity has reached new levels.

Not surprisingly, these things don’t feel good, so you want the cause of those feelings – your spouse – to have to feel them too. You do this by trying to hurt him every chance you get. You may not have ever been a spiteful person before, and yet you feel the need to lash out constantly. But what you learn over time is that spreading negative feelings doesn’t make you feel better. It actually makes you feel worse. Sometimes, this realization takes a while, unfortunately.

What You Can Do: How to best react to this depends on many factors, including how long this has been going on, whether it is intensifying, your tolerance of it, and how effective your response is. If the affair is fresh and your wife hasn’t had much time to process this, it’s fair to expect some fallout which looks like mean behavior. This is just to be expected because the pain caused by an affair is going to elicit all of those negative emotions that must go somewhere. It’s frankly understandable as to why she’d want to lash out.

However, if the behavior is over the top or has gone on for longer than is appropriate, you can always try to tell her that it is hurtful. You might try something like, “I know that you’re treating me this way because you are hurt, but please know that the things you say and do hurt me too. I’m not sure that we are accomplishing anything but hurting each other. Do you think we could try to be a little more gentle with each other?”

Don’t be surprised if she tells you that her comments are hurtful because you hurt her in the worst possible way, but at least you may have put the thought in her mind.

Work on Healing and the Hurt Should Wane:  One of the biggest reasons that I no longer lash out at my husband is because I feel comfortable and confident in my marriage again. This didn’t happen by chance. It took time and very hard work.  

But as we put in the effort and I began to trust again and felt I could let my guard down, I no longer had the need to try to hurt my husband because I wasn’t hurting quite as badly.  

Whatever you can do to make your wife feel valued enough that you’re willing to put in the effort to make this right, do it. Because it will often benefit you as well as she begins to feel some relief and then backs off on her intentional cruelty. 

Take a Break Before You Engage: Finally, I know that hearing your spouse saying these kinds of things are trying. You may want to respond in kind. It may be tempting to say something like, “Listen to you. No wonder I cheated on you.” 

Don’t make that mistake. You’ll just propel yourself about five steps backward. Sometimes, you may need to remove yourself from the situation until things calm down. Spend some time in another room of the house. Go for a walk. Do anything you need to do to diffuse the tension so that you don’t need to engage. When you understand why she’s doing this, then you can see that engaging with it is just going to keep the cycle of hurt going.

What you need to do is to start to diminish the hurt, and then she will feel less of a need to hurt you in return.  Hang in there.  In some cases, it does get better as you begin to make some progress.  If it helps, you can read about my journey and how I finally made some progress at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people don’t realize that life is not easy for either spouse after an affair. People often understand the faithful spouse’s difficulties, but they don’t think about the cheating spouse. Granted, it’s understandable that there wouldn’t be much sympathy for someone who made this type of mistake. And I’d never defend a cheating spouse (since I’ve been the faithful spouse.) But, I do often hear from cheating spouses who are trying to make things right but who are having difficulty. Sometimes, they’re trying to be forthright and forthcoming, but they aren’t believed anyway.

One of these spouses might say, “I understand why my wife might doubt me. I lied to her during the affair. I misled her. And when she suspected me, I lied again. So she honestly has a right to doubt me about fidelity matters. And I accept that I am going to be questioned and doubted. I just keep telling the truth and hoping that eventually, she will feel more secure. But the problem is that she doubts every single thing. If I tell her I had a cobb salad for lunch, she starts interrogating me as if she thinks I’m lying about what I had or where I ate. She even shows suspicion toward some of my male coworkers. It’s as if she thinks I’m a liar about every single aspect of my life, as if I’m looking to deceive her at every turn. This makes me hate to confide anything to her or talk about my day in any way. She’s just going to doubt me anyway. Is it going to be like this forever? Because I don’t know if I can take it for a lifetime.”

It typically won’t last forever. It generally ends once the trust returns and healing is complete. And that can take time. I can give you some insights as to why your spouse has doubts about things that don’t seem important – like the lunch/restaurant and coworkers. 

Why the Faithful Spouse Doubts Everything: She’s looking for evidence of wrongdoing in simple, everyday things. For example, she’s worried you’re making up a lunch outing that didn’t happen because you had lunch with the other woman instead.

And she’s expressing doubt about coworkers because she wonders if they knew about or helped you carry out the affair. Or she may think that perhaps they too are cheating and are normalizing this behavior at work.

So it’s not necessarily that she thinks you are a pathological liar about every aspect of your life. It is that she is digging for more evidence because she is afraid that you may still be cheating or will cheat again.

And before you judge this too harshly, consider the pain of being cheated on. It’s something that no one ever wants to feel again, so of course, you’re going to keep an eagle eye out to protect yourself from a repeat. 

How to Handle the Questioning: You may not like what I’m going to say, but healing and trust are going to take some time. And the best defense that you can have is to tell the truth for even the most minute of details. Don’t give her any reason at all to question your responses. Don’t keep things from her thinking that you’re sparing her from something or you are avoiding more questions.

Because if she does find out that you are keeping things from her, then you’re going to go two steps backward, and you’ve sentenced yourself to much more questioning for a longer period of time.

Tell her the truth, be as patient with the questions as you can, and work with her to heal your marriage and restore the trust. This is very important. If she sees you willing to put in the work and go through the steps, she will have more confidence that you are committed to the marriage and not looking for anything outside of it. And eventually, as she gains that confidence, she won’t always be looking for the cracks in your narrative.

She’s looking for the cracks now because she’s afraid they are there and she doesn’t want to deal with the pain of this again. Try to see her questioning as fear. See her as someone who is afraid and injured rather than accusatory and that might help with your patience.

It might make you feel a bit better to know that I, too, questioned and doubted my husband about the tiniest details after his affair. And, I must admit, I did this for quite a while. It took some time for me to be secure again. That said, I rarely do interrogate him today. So my husband did not have to endure this forever. But he helped himself by doing mostly what he said he was going to do, and telling me the truth. He was also willing to do whatever I needed to help me move past it. So, as weird as it sounds, I was eventually able to see him as my ally and not my adversary. 

I know it might feel like you won’t ever get there, but if you hang in there, one day you will. Just see your wife as someone who has been injured and therefore is reluctant to put herself out there again. She needs time to process and then to begin to ease back into trust and intimacy. You can’t expect her to force the trust before she is ready because that just leads to more distrust. Give her time, your honest effort, and support, and you will likely be rewarded with her trust eventually.

If it helps, you can read about some of the things that helped me heal at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There’s no doubt that the winter holidays are a time for families to spend together. It can feel wrong for your family to be fractured at this time. There’s an inclination to “make nice” or to “keep the peace.” 

But, of course, if your spouse has done something to fracture that same family, then family time may be altered, which can feel wrong – although this disconnect is not your fault.

A spouse might say, “My husband’s cheating is fresh. It’s only been several weeks. I don’t know what I want to do about it. Sometimes, I think that this is the dealbreaker I always told him it would be. And other times, I think that I owe it to my kids to try to work this out. I can’t say that I don’t feel anything for him. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get a handle on my anger and distrust. I honestly don’t know if I can ever trust him again. I don’t know if I want to try to. But here we are coming up on the holidays, and he acts as if I should go through the motions around both of our families and for the sake of our kids. It is like I am being pressured to pretend that all is well when it most definitely is not. It’s not fair and I resent it. At the same time, I would never do anything to hurt my children, and I am more concerned about their feelings than mine. But how can I save my sanity during the holidays so that I don’t have to pretend that nothing is wrong?”

I understand where you are coming from. I sometimes felt pressure to put on a fake front in front of my husband’s family because, of course, he didn’t want them to know about the heinous mistake he made by cheating. I didn’t feel it was my responsibility to cover for him. And I would sometimes feign illness or other obligations so I didn’t have to basically live a lie at the time. 

Kids Can Change Things: However, where children are concerned, that is most definitely different. Nothing about this is their fault, and they don’t deserve to suffer in any way because of it, assuming you can avoid it.  

In my case, there were times we would still do things as a family for their sake, even early on. I understand that this may not be the right choice or a tolerable action for everyone. But I was able to do it because I saw that my husband was also making an effort.

Acting and Reality are Two Different Things: I agree that this situation isn’t fair, but know that just trying to keep up appearances and the true situation can be two different things. Just because you act a certain way for the sake of the children or the family doesn’t mean that you have to act that same way when you are alone.

And it certainly doesn’t imply any act of forgiveness if you aren’t ready for that or don’t want it. None of what he did is negated just because of the need to keep the peace for the holidays.  

There is absolutely no need for you to rush yourself just because of what the calendar says or because this unfortunate event happened around the holidays.

Making Your Feelings Clear: If you suspect your husband thinks the holidays fell at a fortunate time because now you’re going to be forced to play nice and pretend, you can always try to set the record straight.

You might say something like, “I know it’s the holidays, and I’m going to participate in this as a family for the kids and only for the kids. You may appear to be the beneficiary of that, but I want to be clear. Nothing has changed. I feel exactly the same way and need exactly the same remorse and rehabilitation. The holidays don’t fast-track or negate what I need to heal. Please know that I am doing this for our family and for no other reason. It’s only for appearances right now. That might change over time, but right now that is how I feel. So I need you to respect our reality and see it for what it is.”

Hopefully, you won’t need to repeat this, and he will respect your boundaries and not try to push his luck. You can carry on with the holidays as best as you can for the kids and then revisit what you want and need moving forward after the holidays.

Yes, you may choose to act in such a way to make things easier for your children, but that doesn’t mean your husband gets a pass. It may just mean there’s a display for someone else, but there needn’t be a pause on the work you’re doing. Just make it clear that any detour is for your kids, and it’s only for show. Everything else can remain the same.

Don’t ever apologize for taking any time you need.  Don’t ever allow yourself to be rushed.  I had the luxury of going at my own pace during healing, but it still took longer than I may have liked.  Still, rushing it benefits no one. You can read more about my recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: People sometimes forget that, if both people who cheated are married, there may be four people dealing with the aftermath of an affair. Of course, it is human nature to focus on your own feelings and your own recovery. But sometimes, you can’t help but think about the other faithful spouse – who in some cases is the other woman’s husband. 

Sometimes the faithful wife will almost feel a sense of comradery with him. After all, he may also be dealing with the emotions of being cheated on or he may still be in the dark. But neither is an enviable place to be. 

She might feel the need to reach out to him, but be unsure if it is appropriate.

She might say, “It hasn’t been long since I caught my husband cheating. He hid it well. I had to work long and hard to actually catch him because all along, he denied everything and insinuated that my suspicions were crazy. But of course, it turns out that I was right. I have asked my husband if the other woman’s husband has caught her or if he knows about the affair. My husband claims not to know because he says he hasn’t spoken with the other woman and doesn’t intend to. I don’t want him speaking to her, of course. But I can’t stop thinking about this woman’s husband. He may be unaware of what is going on, and he has the right to know. However, when I discuss this with friends, I am told that I should mind my own business and worry about my own marriage. Part of me knows that some of this sentiment is correct, but I just can’t stop thinking about it. I almost feel that I have a moral obligation to tell him. In his shoes, I would want someone to tell me. Should I tell her husband?”

The Good Reasons Not To: I can only offer you my opinion based on my experiences and observations over the years. Everyone has to do what is right for them, after all. But in my own case, I chose not to insert myself into the other woman’s life in any way. And I would make the same choice again today after what I’ve observed from other affairs.  

Why? Because there is no upside to your getting involved in someone else’s marriage. You don’t know if he knows about the affair already. He may well know. Or, the spouses may even have an understanding and have an open marriage. Or, like you, he may have been suspicious and is watching closely. There is just no way to know. But you have your own marriage to worry about and so does he.

The Upside of Moving Away from Having Strangers in Your Life:  After my husband’s affair, one of the things I wanted most was a clean break from the other woman. I didn’t want him talking to her anymore in any way whatsoever. I wanted no contact because contact would mean she’d have another way into our lives, which of course is the last thing I wanted.

Now if you go and contact her husband, you’ve inserted yourself into their lives. She would be within her rights to call you and ask why you contacted her husband. And now she has an “in” that your husband didn’t create, but you did. 

Or, the husband could contact your husband, which, again, means that the other woman’s household is in your life, which delays your ability to move on. 

I suppose some people will look at this and think it is selfish to keep whatever knowledge you have to yourself. But my thinking is that affair recovery is hard enough without taking on something additional to worry about and deal with.  

You don’t know that the husband isn’t already going through his own recovery. If not, he can demand more information from his spouse in the same way that you did. Or perhaps his wife will confess or try to be the wife her husband deserves since she has nothing to keep her interest in your household.

In truth, your inserting yourself into their household could either cause pain or drama, neither of which anyone needs right now. You could also be met with anger because your message isn’t welcome. 

That is only my opinion, and I realize that opposing opinions also have sound arguments. However, I’ve never seen this scenario turn out well when someone intervenes in this way. It just doesn’t work out as intended, and there is always regret and a wish to not have done it.  

The message is a very sensitive and painful one, and to have that delivered by a stranger adds another dimension of pain. Sure, you may feel if you don’t tell him, no one will, but you can’t know if that’s true, either. 

Ultimately, you’ll have to decide what feels right to you. Whatever you decide, try very hard to limit contact as soon as you can, so that you can get on with the business of healing and moving on – no matter what happens with your marriage. Right now, give your permission to focus on and worry about yourself first. It took me  awhile to figure that out, but once I did, I finally began to heal.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It can be common for someone having an affair to make the suspicious spouse feel paranoid to suspect an affair. The cheating spouse will often insinuate that the faithful spouse is just seeing things, is overreacting, and is too quick to judge. They do this to get the suspicious spouse off their trail.

However, some would assume that once the affair was found out and admitted to, the faithful spouse would be vindicated, and all this insinuation of being paranoid and overly suspicious would cease.

Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, the cheating spouse will keep up this facade even after the affair is discovered. 

As an example, a faithful spouse might say, “When I first started to suspect my husband of cheating and I confronted him, he acted like it was offensive of me to even hint of any wrongdoing. He acted like I’d said the worst possible thing to him, and he was very mad at me for a long time and withdrew all affection. This made things in our house feel very awkward. Eventually, I was able to catch him where he could no longer deny it. He finally had to admit it. Now – and it’s a long story, I can’t fully explain it – we’re still living together. As of now, we’re not ending our marriage and are trying to make it work, but it isn’t easy. Things aren’t great. I certainly don’t completely trust my husband for obvious reasons. And of course, I try to keep an eye on him and ask him to keep me posted as to what he’s doing. And once again, he acts as if I’m paranoid and overly watchful. He’ll ask me whether I’m going to watch him like a hawk for the rest of our lives. And to be honest, maybe I will. But doesn’t he deserve that? Can you blame me? I find it very disrespectful for him to try to make me feel paranoid when my suspicions literally came true. I don’t want to deal with cheating again. So you’d better believe I’m going to be watching closely. I don’t see a problem with that. But he makes me feel like a crazy person.”

Both Spouses’ Behaviors Are Common: I completely get why this feels awful, and it certainly isn’t fair. When your worst-case scenario comes to fruition, of course, you’re going to be hyper-vigilant. My husband didn’t necessarily make me feel crazy, but I too couldn’t watch out enough, especially at first. This reaction is absolutely normal and understandable, so don’t let anyone make you feel faulty for this understandable behavior.

At the same time, the husband’s behavior can be expected. It is human nature to try to downplay your punishment. You also want to minimize the pain you’ve caused, so you’re going to try to lessen any fallout. If you have to do that by posturing, so be it.   

And his behavior IS likely posturing. Your husband likely knows that you are justified in watching him. But he’s going to try to get you to accept less because, again, it is human nature to not want to live with dire consequences if you can help it. 

He may also think that you don’t need to be as vigilant because he has no intention of cheating again and he would hope you’d give him the benefit of the doubt. He may think that you should believe him when he honestly says that you can trust him. Still, if you’re not comfortable with that yet, it’s understandable.

Balancing the Fine Line:  Vigilance can be tricky after an affair because it’s very easy to get to a point where watching and suspecting your husband is all that you’re spending your time doing. And when you get into this cycle, it can be harder (and slower) to heal.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t be watchful. You should. But you have to balance it with prioritizing your healing. At the same time you’re watching, you’re also often trying to create a new normal and rebuild trust. It’s a balance. So while you’re being hyper-vigilant, you ideally will be working regularly on strengthening yourself so that eventually, you’re not as worried about expecting the worst.

I’d be lying if I told you that I don’t keep an occasional eye on my husband. I do. But I no longer expect him to disappoint me. I am comfortable that he won’t. But that type of transformation took work and time. And if I had short changed my healing, I might not have ever gotten there. Don’t let your watching take over everything else. Make sure you are spending just as much time (or more) on your healing.

How to Tell Him You Aren’t Backing Off Just Yet:  If your husband’s posturing is getting to be too much, you can try to address this directly by saying something like, “I know you’re trying to make me feel paranoid again, but no matter what you do or say, I’m justified in watching your behaviors. I don’t want to get burned again, and until we’ve restored the trust, this is what I need to do to feel secure. If we make significant progress, heal, and restore the trust, then perhaps I won’t feel the need to be quite as watchful. But for now, that’s what I need. Shaming me or making me feel unstable isn’t going to change anything and is just going to frustrate us both.”

You may have to repeat this until he knows that you mean it. But know that you’re behavior is normal and you don’t need to feel unstable for wanting to be careful. Just make sure that it doesn’t become all you think about or the center of your world because you also need to prioritize yourself. 

I completely understand your feeling that watching prevents disappointment and surprises. But I learned the hard way that it can also be a large source of stress. As I healed, I learned to balance the hypervigilance much better. And I believe that eventually allowed me to move on. You can read about my recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s a safe bet that faithful spouses are never going to forget about the affair. Sure, with time, the pain isn’t as fresh and the sting is not as sharp. But it’s impossible to forget that type of pivotal event.

However, things can be different for the cheating spouse. The affair is sometimes one of the biggest mistakes and shameful periods of their lives. So it’s something that they’d give anything to forget. 

And at times, they can seem like they HAVE actually forgotten, which can make faithful wives extremely frustrated.

One of them might say, “It has been over 10 years since my husband’s affair. It almost destroyed us. We separated for a while because of it. I became very depressed, but I was eventually able to recover and pull out of it. With tons of work and patience, we eventually recovered. I’ve never regretted not leaving. Not really. For the most part, we have a good marriage now and I love the family that we have built. I feel like we’re pretty much recovered. In fact, perhaps we’ve recovered so much that my husband never acknowledges the affair anymore. If we watch a movie with infidelity, he’ll be very judgemental toward the cheater, as though he didn’t do the exact same thing. One of our mutual friend’s husband cheated on her, and my husband said some very nasty things about the husband – as if they don’t have cheating in common. It’s almost like my husband has completely forgotten that he himself cheated. Is this even possible? Why is he acting like this?”

He Likely Hasn’t Forgotten. He’d Only Like To: I can only speculate, but this behavior isn’t that uncommon. It’s possible that your husband would just really like to forget about the affair. That was likely a shameful, painful time. It can be hard for a cheating spouse to know how much they hurt the other person and how, for a while at least, they couldn’t do much to fix it. They feel helpless watching your confusion, pain, resentment, and doubt while knowing that all of it is due to their mistake. 

Here’s another example to put things in perspective. When I was a child, I did something very stupid and immature and I hurt a female relative – who I loved then and still love today. I didn’t consciously intend to cause harm, but I didn’t think about my actions before I acted. I couldn’t take my actions back, and they really hurt my relative. It was very hard for me to watch her in pain and know that I caused it, but there was nothing that I could do to take it back and reverse it. I could only apologize and try to help – which I did – but that can only go so far. She was the one who was hurting and I couldn’t take her pain away.

Do you think that I bring that incident up when we are together? You’d better believe I don’t. I do everything in my power not to think about it – and I pray that she isn’t thinking about it either. Frankly, it happened a long time ago, and our relationship is a good one today. In my daily life, I don’t think about it very much. But if I am faced with a similar situation or something that will jog my memory, then yes, it comes to mind. And once it does, I push it out again. It’s painful. I don’t want to linger on it. I push it out even when I’m with my relative. I suppose it’s possible she might think I’ve forgotten about it or I’m too cowardly to talk about it, but only the second one is true. 

My point is that when people are ashamed and regretful of their actions, they don’t want to bring them up. So they may pretend like it isn’t on their mind because they’re hoping – with everything they have – that it isn’t on your mind. 

I’m not sure that this type of pretending really accomplishes anything for the remorseful person. But it’s often not malicious. It’s honestly an attempt to spare pain on both sides.

Should You Confront Him About His “Forgetting?”  Whether to confront him about his seemingly faulty memory depends on how much it bothers you and how often it is happening. If you’re generally content with his rehabilitation and believe you’ve healed, then I’m not sure what the purpose of picking the scab would be. 

If it truly bothers you, then you could try something like, “Well perhaps we shouldn’t be so judgemental because we were in that same situation not too long ago. We can’t pretend that we weren’t.”

This isn’t unkind and it allows him to know that if he thinks you aren’t thinking about the affair at that moment, he is wrong. It could also help to clear the air – assuming it needs clearing. It addresses the elephant in the room, at least.

But to answer the original question, I highly doubt your husband has forgotten. He would just rather not remember – and he would rather you not remember – because it was a painful time that he wishes you could both forget.   

Of course, none of us forget.  But we can move on in a healthy way.  I believe that I’ve been able to do that, but it wasn’t always easy.  You can read more about that process at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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