Do Men Still Think About the Other Woman After the Affair is Over?

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are working so hard to save their marriages after an affair. And one of the biggest struggles they share with me is the other woman. Even if the affair is supposedly over, many wives can’t shake the fear that their husband still thinks about her — maybe even misses her.

I’ll get questions like: “Does my husband still think about the other woman even though he swears it’s over? Sometimes I catch him daydreaming and I just know he’s thinking about her. When I ask, he denies it. But I can’t help but wonder if he’s just protecting me from the truth. How can I compete with someone who isn’t even here anymore?”

These are tough, painful questions. And the truth is, the answers aren’t simple because every man, every affair, and every marriage is different. Still, after talking to so many couples, I’ve noticed some common patterns.

Some Men See The Affair Clearly Once It’s Over: Believe it or not, some men really do see the situation for what it was once the dust settles. I’ve had men tell me things like: “I don’t know what I was thinking. It was the stupidest mistake of my life. When I look back, I feel embarrassed and ashamed. My wife doesn’t believe me when I say I don’t think about her, but I honestly don’t — except to cringe at how much I risked for nothing.”

If this is what your husband is saying, sometimes you need to watch his actions more than his words. Is he putting in the work to rebuild? Is he being transparent, remorseful, and consistent? If so, then it’s possible that when his mind drifts, it’s not to her in a longing way –  but maybe in a regretful one.

At some point, you’ll have to decide whether you’re going to believe his words and actions until he gives you a solid reason not to. Otherwise, you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to read his mind.

Sometimes, Men Do Still Think About Her (At Least For A While): The above said, I want to be honest: when an affair has ended recently, many men do admit to still having residual thoughts or feelings. Sometimes they feel like the relationship ended abruptly, without closure. Other times, when their marriage feels strained and they’re facing anger and fallout (which is understandable), they look back at the time before discovery and mix those “easier” feelings up with the other woman.

Some even admit, “I chose my marriage. I want my family. But I’d be lying if I said I never thought about her. I don’t want to have these feelings, but sometimes they come. What matters is, I’m not acting on them.”

The good news is that, in most cases, these feelings fade with time  – especially if the couple is actively working on the marriage. It’s usually at the beginning, when emotions are raw, that they’re strongest.

What You Can Do If You Suspect He Still Thinks About Her: Here’s the hard part: you can’t control your husband’s thoughts. Neither can he, at least not completely. What he can control is what he does with those thoughts. Most men don’t want to keep thinking about her – but intrusive thoughts happen.

As tempting as it is to keep asking, pressing, or demanding reassurance, in my experience, that often backfires. Bringing her up constantly keeps her in the center of your marriage. If your goal is to save and rebuild, then your focus should be on you two – not her.

Sometimes, the best approach is to trust the process. In the beginning, it’s messy. But as you slowly rebuild intimacy, connection, and trust, his focus naturally shifts back where it belongs.

The Bottom Line: Do some men still think about the other woman after the affair? Yes, sometimes. Do all men? No. Do those thoughts have to last forever? Absolutely not.

The key is to focus on what you can control: working on yourself, your healing, and the marriage. The stronger your relationship becomes, the less room there is for her to occupy any space in it.

I know how painful and unfair this feels. I’ve been there myself, and for a while, I obsessed over whether my husband still thought of her. But over time – and with a lot of effort – I was able to stop giving her more power than she deserved. Today, my marriage is stronger than it was before the affair. I feel more confident, happier, and more connected than ever.

If you’d like to read my very personal story about how I saved my marriage after my husband’s affair, you can find it here: http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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How to Handle Comments When Taking Back a Cheating Husband

I sometimes hear from wives who have decided to take back their cheating husbands. And let me tell you, that decision is never easy. The reasons vary. Sometimes it’s because they truly believe the marriage can heal and be better than before. Other times it’s because of the kids, or because they still love him and can’t imagine life without the marriage.

Whatever the reason, it’s their decision. They’re trying to move forward and rebuild. But here’s the thing—while they’re dealing with their own pain and doing the hard work of repair, they sometimes also have to face other people’s judgment. And those comments can sting almost as much as the affair itself.

Let’s talk about how to handle that.

Be Careful Who You Share Details With: One of the first things I tell people is to be very selective about who you open up to. If you share every detail with friends and family in the heat of your pain, those words can come back to haunt you later when you’re trying to forgive and move on.

Repairing after infidelity is already an uphill climb. The last thing you need is background noise from people who are convinced you’re making the wrong choice. You don’t have to explain your marriage to everyone. From here on out, you can decide who really needs to know – and sometimes, fewer people is better.

Handling Hurtful Comments About Your Husband: I completely understand how painful those comments can be. Maybe you’ve heard:

  • “You’re crazy for taking him back.”

  • “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

  • “If it were me, I’d leave and never look back.”

I’ve even had someone suggest that a wife must have low self-esteem to stay. Ouch. Those words cut deep, especially when you’re already working so hard to heal.

But here’s what I’ve learned: often, those comments say more about the person speaking than about you. Sometimes they’ve been through their own betrayal and can’t separate your situation from their pain. Other times, they’re genuinely worried about you, even if what comes out of their mouth doesn’t feel loving at all.

What To Say When The Comments Don’t Stop: If the person making the comments is someone close to you (like a friend or family member,) you may not want to cut them out of your life. In that case, it can help to have an honest conversation.

Something like:
“I know you care about me, and I appreciate that. But these negative comments actually make this harder for me. I’ve chosen to work through this, and I’d really appreciate your support in a positive way. Can we agree to steer away from the hurtful stuff?”

Most of the time, people respond well once they realize they’ve crossed a line. They may not even realize how their words are coming across. If they do care about you, they’ll usually try to do better.

But if they don’t – or if they can’t stop – you may need to think about limiting your time with them while you’re healing. You deserve to be around people who build you up, not tear you down.

Protecting Your Own Healing: The truth is, dealing with other people’s comments is just one more layer on top of an already heavy load. Rebuilding after infidelity is hard. But I also know it’s possible, because I’ve been there myself.

Two years ago, I never would have believed I could forgive my husband, let alone have a stronger marriage than before. But with a lot of work—on both of us, and especially on myself – we did come out stronger. My self-esteem is higher than it’s ever been, and I don’t live in fear of him cheating again. You can read that whole story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. And I truly believe you can get there too.

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My Husband Only Came Back After His Affair Because The Other Woman Went Back To Her Husband

By: Katie Lersch: I hear from a lot of wives who find themselves in this exact situation. Their husband comes back after the affair, but instead of feeling relieved or hopeful, they feel second best. They wonder if the only reason their husband returned is because the other woman ended things—or because he simply had nowhere else to go.

One wife put it like this:

“I know for a fact that my husband only came back because the woman he was cheating with went back to her own husband. If she hadn’t, I don’t think he’d be here right now. I feel like I’m just the fallback option, and it’s killing me. How am I supposed to rebuild when I know he wanted her instead of me?”

I get why this feels so awful. No one wants to feel like they’re only “Plan B.” And I’ll be honest: many women who go through this struggle with the same fears.

When You Feel Like He Came Back By Default: This is one of the most common complaints I hear. And the frustrating part is—there’s often no “proof” one way or the other. Even if your husband insists he wanted to come back for his own reasons, it can be hard to believe him when your insecurities are screaming otherwise.

The problem is, staying stuck on this question—“Did he only come back because of her?”—doesn’t really move you forward. In fact, it keeps you in limbo. Because the truth is, you’ll probably never know exactly what was in his head when he made that decision.

What you do know is this: he came home. He could’ve gone to a hotel. He could’ve stayed with a friend or family member. He could’ve walked away completely. But he didn’t. That counts for something, even if it doesn’t feel like enough right now.

Shifting The Focus Back To You: Here’s the thing. Just because the other woman made a decision about her marriage, that doesn’t mean you need to rush into making one about yours. You don’t have to decide today if you’re taking him back fully or if you’re done for good.

What you can decide is how you’re going to take care of yourself while you figure it out. If your husband’s return feels tainted or half-hearted, then take your time. Strengthen your own self-esteem. Work on getting clear about what you want. Because you don’t deserve to feel like second best, no matter how the pieces fell.

Why Building Yourself Up Changes Everything: I know it’s easier said than done. When my own husband cheated, my self-esteem took the biggest hit of my life. I constantly compared myself to “her,” and I always felt like I came up short. But the more I focused on fixing myself instead of dissecting his every move, the better I felt.

And here’s what’s interesting. Once I stopped acting like I needed his validation, he started noticing me again. The shift in my own confidence made me more attractive to both of us.

Sometimes, you just have to give yourself time. You can’t predict today whether your marriage will survive. But you can start to focus less on the other woman and more on what you want your future to look like – whether he’s in it or not.

Looking Forward Instead of Backward: Right now, the affair is over. The other woman is out of the picture. That doesn’t erase the pain, but it does mean you have a choice: you can keep replaying how it all went down, or you can decide to look forward.

I know this is one of the hardest things you’ll ever go through. I never thought my marriage could recover after my husband’s affair. But after a lot of work—on myself and on us—we’re actually stronger today than we ever were before. I’m happier, more confident, and I no longer worry about him cheating again.

If you’re stuck in that place of wondering why your husband came back and what it means, please know there is hope. But that hope starts with you.

You can read more about my personal story here: http://surviving-the-affair.com/. I share how I clawed myself back after my husband’s affair and how our marriage recovered.

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What Should I Say To My Husband’s Mistress? Should I Meet With Her?

By: Katie Lersch: I get this question more often than you’d think. Many wives wonder if they should talk to (or even meet with) their husband’s mistress. They want to know what to say, how to say it, and whether it will make a difference.

Recently, I heard from a wife who said, “My husband won’t give up the other woman. I don’t think she’s backing off either. She’s been texting me, asking if we can meet face to face. Part of me wants to, but honestly, I don’t know what I’d even say. I’m so angry and hurt that I’m afraid I’ll lose control and say something I regret. I don’t want her to see how much she’s gotten under my skin, but I want her to back off. What do I even say to accomplish that?”

This is such a common scenario. Many wives imagine finally sitting across from the mistress and saying something so powerful that she just slinks away and never bothers you again. That’s the fantasy. The reality? Usually very different.

Why These Meetings Rarely Go As Planned: Here’s what I’ve seen (and heard from countless women): most meetings with the mistress don’t go well. Wives often go in with an agenda—maybe to make her see that the marriage is solid, or to scare her off, or to make her understand the pain she’s caused. But the mistress usually has her own agenda too. And those two agendas rarely line up.

She may not fight fair. She may use anything you say to justify her behavior. She may even walk away more determined to “win.” I know that’s hard to hear, but it’s reality.

And let’s be honest—this is someone who already hasn’t respected your marriage. So why would she suddenly care about your feelings or your family now?

What She’s Really After: It’s worth thinking about why she even wants to meet. If she were truly ready to walk away from your husband, she probably wouldn’t need this face-to-face. She’d just leave. So the fact that she’s pushing for contact tells you she’s still invested.

That’s important, because it means you have to ask yourself: What’s in this for me? What’s the payoff? If your real goal is closure or control, I have to be honest—that almost never comes from meeting with her. More often, it leaves you feeling worse.

Why I Think It’s Best Not To Engage: In my opinion (and in my own experience), it’s better not to give the mistress an “in.” If you’re trying to save your marriage, this woman doesn’t belong in it. Giving her space, attention, or interaction only gives her more power over you.

If someone is going to tell her to walk away, it should be your husband. He’s the one she’s involved with. He’s the one she needs to hear it from. If the words come from you, she’ll just run back to him, twist the story, and use it as an excuse to reach out again. You don’t want to give her that kind of ammunition.

But If You Do Feel You Have To Say Something: I get it. Some wives feel they have to say something. And if that’s you, then keep it short, calm, and final. Don’t rant. Don’t show your pain. Don’t open the door for a debate.

This is one situation where a letter or email might even be better—because she can’t interrupt or argue. But be very careful what you put in writing.

If you do speak, I’d recommend something simple like:

“I’m fully aware of your involvement with my husband. I don’t want you anywhere near me or my family from this point forward.”

That’s it. Short. Direct. Strong. No tears. No long explanation. And absolutely no discussion of your marriage or how you and your husband are working through it. That’s none of her business.

Focus On What Really Matters: I know it’s tempting to put all of your energy into the mistress. But at the end of the day, she’s not the one who vowed to be faithful to you. Your marriage is between you and your husband. That’s where your focus belongs.

I learned this the hard way. When my own husband cheated, I obsessed about the other woman. I thought if I could just make her go away, everything would be fine. But eventually, I realized the real work had to happen between my husband and me. Once I stopped giving her power and started working on us, that’s when things began to turn around.

And believe it or not, my marriage did survive. Today, it’s stronger than I ever thought possible. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it.

If you’d like to read more about how I eventually got through my husband’s affair and rebuilt my marriage, I share my personal story here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I Constantly Compare Myself To Other Women After My Husband’s Affair

by: katie lersch: I often hear from wives who are having serious self esteem issues after their husband has an affair. Many no longer feel attractive, sexy, or self assured. Many admit that they constantly compare themselves to other women. Sometimes, this means comparing yourself to “the other woman”  (meaning that you are comparing yourself to the woman that your husband cheated or had an affair with.)  And some admit that any other woman is fair game. We can find ourselves looking at our friends and acquaintances, and we wonder if their husbands are faithful to them.  And then we analyze our assumptions.

One wife recently put this into words wonderfully. She said, in part: “I find myself checking out, scrutinizing, and comparing myself to countless other women. I’ll check out the women at the PTA. I’ll stare at the mom in front of me in the check out line at the grocery store. I’ll spy on families eating at restaurants. And every time I do this, I wonder if the woman in question has a husband who has been faithful to her. I’ll find something about her appearance that I like or find superior to that same attribute as it relates to my own appearance. My PTA friend has prettier eyes than I. The woman in the gym has a much better figure. My child’s teacher is much more confident than me. My next door neighbor is much more outgoing. And the woman my husband cheated with is probably more exciting in the bedroom. I find myself doing this all of the time. And I never did this before my husband cheated on me. It’s as if I’m looking for my own flaws and seeking out strengths or positives in other people that I can no longer see in myself. What is wrong with me and how can I stop doing this?”

I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

It’s Most Common To Compare Yourself To The Woman That Your Husband Cheated With, But Know That Your Comparisons Often Aren’t Accurate Or Helpful: Probably the most common comparison in this situation is comparing yourself to “the other woman.” Many women will find out every thing possible about her. This can very quickly become an unhealthy obsession. It’s as if we feel that this woman holds all of the answers for us. If we can figure out what our husband sees in her or what she offers him, then we can figure out what we don’t have and respond accordingly.

But here’s just some problems with this logic. Very often, as hard as it may be for us to believe at the time, it isn’t this woman’s looks, personality, or sexual skill that makes our husband cheat with her. I know that some will disagree and debate this with me. But I have men that comment or contact me on my surviving the affair blog and it’s pretty clear that many of them cheat during times of crisis, self doubt, or low self esteem.  So an affair or cheating often has more to do with the attributes of the man who cheated than with the woman who he cheated with. (And she’s often just convenient or there.)

There’s a common perception that the other woman has some magical attributes or that the husband has finally found the perfect woman for him or his “soul mate.”  I don’t buy this for a second.  And many men who have the time and distance to think about this agree with me.  Often once the affair has been over for some time, you’ll hear comments like “When I look at her now I don’t know what in the world I saw in her.”  Or “I feel so stupid when I think back on it now.”

So when a wife goes looking to this other woman for answers, what she often doesn’t realize is that, if there are really any “answers” to be had, she’ll often find these with your husband rather than the other woman.  It’s often something missing or lacking within him rather than something that the other woman has or possesses.  Sure, the other woman might be younger.  She might even be pretty.  But this isn’t often the underlying reason for the cheating.  And she has nothing whatsoever to do with you.  Her appearance, personality, or accomplishments should eventually be completely separate from the way that you see yourself.    Sometimes, recovery from an affair means completely eliminating her from your mind and from your life so that you can focus on your own recovery and on yourself.  She truly is a third party and should remain so.

Comparing Yourself To Other Women Who Have Nothing To Do With Your Husband’s Affair (And Why This Hurts You Also.) I often hear from women who make every attempt to avoid thinking about the other woman but who then find themselves comparing themselves to friends, acquaintances, or even family members.  This can be very frustrating when, intellectually, you know that this doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.  Women in recovery sometimes tell me that they feel envy or jealousy toward women who seem to have faithful and loving husbands.

I hear women say that suddenly they envy the mousy neighbor whose husband rushes home from work.  Or they’ll focus on the couple at church who seems to be focused only on each other.  You’re wondering what these marriages have that yours didn’t or what these wives posses that ensures their husbands remain faithful to them.  I understand this.  I did this myself.  But here’s the thing.  As we all know, appearances can be deceiving.   None of us really know what truly goes on behind closed doors.  The couple who appear so in love today could well be dealing with infidelity tomorrow.

The truth is, we aren’t going to learn why our husband cheated from other couples, other people, or even other women.  We are only going to get at least some of those answers from our husband and fro, ourselves.  Plus, other people’s attributes don’t diminish our own.  I know that it’s difficult right now, but remember that you are just as special and valuable as anyone else.

Remember That Someone Else’s Actions Doesn’t Affect Your Worth Or Value As A Woman.  You Are Beyond Compare: It’s very common for women to take a huge blow to their own self worth after their husband cheats.  This is in no way their fault.  But, you have to fight this process tooth and nail.  Because although you may not feel like it, you’re still the same woman who turned your husband’s head or who felt good when she looked at herself in the mirror in the not too distant past.  You did not change because of your husband’s affair – at least physically.  Yes, this may temporarily change the way you feel about him, your marriage, or yourself.  But please remember that you didn’t do anything wrong.   Someone else’s actions shouldn’t change the way that you feel about yourself.

Your being an individual who is special and beyond comparison  is not dependent on the attributes that other women have or  lack.  And right now,  your healing is probably going to come when you place your focus on yourself rather than on others.  I know that this is difficult, but if you make a concentrated effort to watch your focus, stopping this process is eventually possible.

I used to always feel second best and lacking after my husband’s affair.  But I soon realized this was a dead end street.  Eventually, I found some help that allowed me to focus on myself and move forward.  If it helps, you can read more about what helped me on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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When Your Husband Cheats – Tips On Coping, Healing, And Moving On In A Healthy Way

By: Katie Lersch: Most of the women who write to me are dealing with one of the most painful experiences of their lives: their husband has cheated. Many say they’ve never felt anything so devastating, and I understand that because I’ve been there.

When infidelity happens, so much changes. Your trust in him is shaken. Your faith in your marriage feels uncertain. Even your sense of who you are can take a hit. Suddenly, you may find yourself questioning your worth, your choices, and your future. It can feel like your world has fallen apart.

And in those early days, it’s normal to wonder if you’ll ever get through this.

But here’s what I know: you can cope. You can heal. And you can move forward in a healthy way—whether that ultimately means saving your marriage or building a new life on your own.

Give Yourself Permission to Believe You’ll Get Through This: I know that when the betrayal is fresh, hope feels impossible. You might wake up every morning thinking, I’ll never feel normal again. I used to feel that way too. But I promise these feelings don’t last forever.

It helps to remind yourself that while you had no control over his cheating, you do have control over how you respond now. You get to decide how you’ll heal, what steps you’ll take, and what kind of support you’ll accept.

That doesn’t mean healing happens overnight. Far from it. Most women I hear from become frustrated when they don’t “get over it” fast enough. They think something is wrong with them because they still feel anger, sadness, or doubt weeks or even months later. But that’s not a sign of weakness—it’s a sign that you’re human.

Healing from infidelity isn’t a straight line. Some days you’ll feel strong, only to find yourself triggered again the next. That’s normal. It doesn’t mean you won’t heal. It just means the process takes time.

Give Yourself Permission to Ask for What You Need: One of the hardest lessons I learned is that waiting around for your husband to “make it right” often leaves you stuck. Of course, he should take responsibility. But you can’t sit back and hope he’ll magically give you everything you need to heal.

Sometimes, you have to ask. Sometimes, you have to take steps on your own behalf. This might mean setting boundaries, insisting on transparency, seeking counseling, or simply taking time for yourself.

There’s no “one-size-fits-all” decision after an affair. Some women choose to rebuild. Others decide to walk away. Both paths can lead to a healthy, fulfilling future. What matters most is choosing what’s right for you—not what anyone else thinks you should do.

My Own Turning Point: When my husband cheated, I honestly thought my life was over. I made plenty of mistakes in those early days—blaming myself, waiting for him to fix things, spiraling into negativity. But eventually, I realized this was also a wake-up call.

I went back to school. I worked on my self-confidence. I invested in my appearance—not for him, but for me. It wasn’t easy, and I certainly wasn’t grateful for the pain at the time. But looking back now, I can see that I grew stronger because of it.

In the end, I chose to save my marriage, and for me, that was the right decision. But I also believe that if I had walked away, I still could have been happy and healthy. The key was doing the work on myself, not just waiting for my husband to do it for me.

Moving Forward: I won’t sugarcoat it. Coping after an affair is hard. There will be days when you feel like you’re making no progress. But with time, effort, and self-compassion, healing is not only possible, it’s likely.

For me, the affair no longer defines my marriage or my life. I’m stronger, more confident, and I don’t live in constant fear of it happening again.

And I believe the same can be true for you. You can read more about my personal journey and how I eventually saved my marriage here: http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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A Long Term Affair Or A One Night Stand: Which Is Worse For Your Marriage?

I’m actually asked this question quite a bit.  Wives whose husband had a long term affair often tell me that they wish he’d had a quick fling or a one night stand instead.  I often hear comments like “I think I could accept this more if he’d had a one night stand.  At least then I would know that there weren’t any deep emotions involved.  I almost think I could accept him having sex one time with someone else if I at least knew that he wasn’t in love with them or cared for them.  Him having an emotional connection with someone else is worse, at least to me, than him having one time sex with someone else.”

On the other side of the coin, some wives don’t agree with this. Wives whose husband had a one night stand will say things like: “what kind of person has sex with someone that they don’t care about?  Heck, he really knew nothing about her whatsoever, but yet that was enough for him to have the most intimate act of all with her.  It’s such a turn off to me to think that he could just basically have sex with a stranger.  What does that say about the type of person he is?”

As you can see, there are most definitely issues in both types of cheating.  And both can do significant damage to a marriage.  Both require work and lots of patience to recover from.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

Whether It Was Full Blown Long Term Affair Or A One Night Stand, Infidelity Is Infidelity:  No matter what type of cheating took place, it is still a betrayal and this is often how wives will treat it.  I sometimes hear from husbands (my own included) who will say things like: “but it didn’t mean anything at all to me.  It meant nothing.  I would take it back if I could, but I can’t.  How can I get my wife to see that she is who matters to me?”

It can be hard for a wife to see past the betrayal (especially in the beginning.) I often tell these husbands they have a lot of work to do to reestablish the trust.  Because to many wives, a betrayal is a betrayal no matter what the circumstances were surrounding it.

And often, no matter how long the betrayal lasted, you will need to do the work necessary to rehabilitate the marriage.  Recovery time often does  not reflect the length of the betrayal, even if sometimes the cheating spouse wish that it did.

In Terms Of Harm To Your Marriage, Many People See A Long Term Affair As Harder To Overcome:  Things may be different in your marriage and you may have a different opinion.  But, from the correspondence that I get (and what I know from my research and own experience,) the long term affair can be more difficult for many marriages.

I believe that the reason for this is that the deception and betrayal went on for so long that it’s nearly impossible to claim that the husband was acting on impulse or making a split second decision.  Instead, he deceived the wife over a long period of time and wives see this as very calculated and deliberate.

Many wives tell me that they think that the longer an affair went on for, the harder it is to recover.  Knowing that your husband repeatedly came back for more and laid an emotional foundation with some else is just hard to comprehend and process.

That’s not to say that it can’t be overcome.  I know of countless couples who have done it and now completely believe that their marriages are stronger as the result.  But, the amount of work and rehabilitation takes a bit longer and both people really do need to EVENTUALLY be committed to seeing it through.

To me, there’s really no “better” or “worse” type of cheating.  It’s all a betrayal and it all takes some doing to over come.  But many women see emotional cheating as even worse than physical cheating and it’s hard to deny that emotions and bonding were not involved in a long term affair.

And often because there was some emotion involved, the spouse who cheated may be more confused and conflicted when the affair ends.  It may not be as easy for them to walk away or make a clean break, so that’s just one more issue added to the mix that must be overcome.

My husband’s affair was not long term, but it shook me to my core  just the same (and we had to do A LOT of rehabilitation before I even began to have faith in him again.)  But today, our marriage is actually better than it was before.  I don’t worry he’ll cheat again.  If it helps, you can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com .  And if you’re having trouble moving past the cheating, you may want to consider the free e course on the right side of this blog.

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How to Be Accountable After Cheating

By: Katie Lersch: I hear from a lot of wives who are devastated by their husband’s infidelity. But every once in a while, I’ll hear from the spouse who cheated.

Not long ago, a husband wrote me in desperation. He said: “My wife is furious. She says she wants me to be accountable, but I don’t know what that even means. How do I show her I’m sorry? How do I fix this without making things worse?”

It’s a good question. Because when you’re the one who cheated, and you’re desperate to save your marriage, the last thing you want to do is keep making the wrong moves.

What “Accountability” Really Means After Infidelity: When your spouse says they want you to be accountable, it can sound vague. What are you supposed to do exactly?

From my own experience (I was the cheated-on spouse), accountability usually boils down to this:

  • You take full responsibility for what you did. No excuses. No “if onlys.”

  • You show remorse—not just in words, but in consistent actions.

  • You stop all contact with the other person, immediately and permanently.

  • You step up and take the lead in repairing the damage, instead of waiting for your spouse to guide you.

Accountability isn’t about saying “I’m sorry” once and moving on. It’s about showing—day after day—that you understand how badly you hurt your spouse and that you’re willing to do the work to make things right.

What This Looks Like in Real Life: So, how does accountability play out? Here are a few examples:

  • Transparency. Be an open book. Share your passwords, phone records, or whereabouts. Even if your spouse doesn’t ask for these things, offering them shows you have nothing to hide.

  • Reassurance. Understand that your spouse may feel insecure, unattractive, or replaceable. Go out of your way to remind them—often—that they’re the one you want and value.

  • Patience. Healing takes time. Your spouse might lash out, withdraw, or bring up the betrayal repeatedly. It’s not fun, but try to remember that you caused this pain, and it’s your job to sit with their anger instead of rushing them to “get over it.”

  • Action. Counseling, reading books together, or working through the “why” behind your cheating can all show that you’re invested in real change.

And here’s the part a lot of people struggle with: accountability does not mean pushing your spouse to forgive you before they’re ready. In fact, pressuring them usually backfires.

Why This Matters So Much: When you’re accountable, you’re showing your spouse that:

  • You’re not minimizing the damage.

  • You’re not blaming them.

  • You’re not brushing this under the rug.

  • You’re taking full responsibility for rebuilding trust because you broke it.

That matters. Because betrayed spouses are already doubting everything. They want to see that you understand the depth of your mistake and that you’re serious about never letting it happen again.

In My Case: In my own marriage, I was the betrayed spouse. And I’ll be honest – accountability was not something my husband understood at first. I had to spell it out for him. Sometimes, I even had to repeat myself again and again before it sank in.

But eventually, with consistency and effort, he learned. And that’s when healing really started. Today, I trust him completely again. But it took work, patience, and a willingness on his part to show me (not just tell me) that he was all-in.

So if you’re the one who cheated and you’re reading this, you need to know that accountability isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up every day with humility, honesty, and effort. That’s what helps your spouse start to believe in you again.

If it helps, you can read about how we healed our marriage after the affair at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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Do Men Regret Cheating on Their Spouse? Here’s Some Signs to Look For

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are trying to figure out whether their husband’s remorse is real. They’ll say things like: “My husband keeps telling me how sorry he is for cheating, and he seems genuine, but I don’t know if I can trust his words. After all, he lied when he was having the affair. What if he’s lying now?”

Or, “Do men really regret cheating? Do they understand what a huge mistake they’ve made? And if they truly are sorry, does that mean they’re less likely to do it again?”

These are very valid questions. And while every man and every marriage is different, there are some common patterns I’ve seen over the years that can help you get a sense of whether his sorrow is heartfelt.

Why Some Men Don’t Show Remorse Right Away: Not all men come right out and fall to pieces after an affair is revealed. Some actually go into a kind of defensive mode at first. They’ll justify what they did by blaming the marriage, their stress, or even their wives. These are the men who will say things like: “You never had time for me,” or “You didn’t understand me.”

That doesn’t always mean they don’t feel regret somewhere deep down. Sometimes, it just means they’re trying to save face or minimize the fallout. They may test whether this tactic will soften the consequences. Only later, once they see their wife isn’t taking responsibility for their choices, do they start showing genuine sorrow.

What Genuine Regret Usually Looks Like: On the other hand, some husbands don’t waste time with posturing. They own their mistake from the beginning and make it very clear they know they’ve messed up. These are often men who have been trustworthy for years and who made a one-time mistake they never thought they’d make.

Their regret tends to show up not just in their words but in their actions. They’ll want to go to counseling. They’ll say they’ll do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust. They’ll admit fully that this was their fault and that nothing you did caused them to cheat. They also tend to understand that rebuilding trust isn’t about repeating apologies—it’s about consistent effort over time.

Why Sometimes You Can’t See His Regret: I know some wives get discouraged because they don’t see the kind of remorse they were expecting. They assume this must mean their husband doesn’t care or isn’t sorry enough. But I’ve spoken with many husbands who were stunned to hear their wives felt that way. They insisted they were more sorry than they could ever put into words. They just weren’t showing it in the way their wives recognized.

That’s why it’s usually better not to assume. If you feel like his sorrow isn’t coming across, it may help to tell him what you need to see or hear from him in order to believe he regrets what happened. Sometimes, this clears up a lot of confusion.

Seeing the Bigger Picture: At the end of the day, whether a man regrets cheating often depends on his character, his past behavior, and what kind of husband he was before the affair. In my experience, men who were reliable and faithful until the slip are much more likely to be deeply sorry and determined never to repeat it.

I know it’s incredibly difficult to evaluate your husband’s remorse when you’re reeling from betrayal. I never thought I’d be able to trust my husband again, either. But with time, communication, and work on both sides, not only did I come to believe his regret was real, but our marriage eventually became stronger than it was before.

If you’d like to read more about my own story and how I managed to heal after my husband’s affair fully, you can find it here: http://surviving-the-affair.com/.

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The Hurt is Still There And Raw After My Husband’s Affair – What Can I Do?

By: Katie Lersch: I once heard from a wife who told me something I hear quite often: “It’s been a while since my husband’s affair, but no matter what I do, the hurt is still there. My husband has done everything he can to make our marriage right again. I know he’s sorry. I even believe he loves me, because why else would he stay when I cry and struggle so much? But the pain is everywhere. If he looks distant, I assume he’s thinking about her. If he has a bad day, I wonder if it’s because he doesn’t want to be here with me. If I see a happy couple in public, I fall apart because that can’t be us anymore. I still cry several times a week. I don’t know how to get rid of this hurt.”

If you can relate, please know you’re not alone. These feelings are incredibly common and completely understandable. Even if your husband is doing everything “right,” the lingering pain doesn’t just vanish. There are a few reasons this might happen, and sometimes understanding them helps you find a way forward.

When You Struggle To Believe His Sincerity: Many wives in this situation have a husband who is genuinely trying. He’s transparent. He’s remorseful. He says he loves you. But even so, it’s very hard to truly believe him. Intellectually, you may know he’s sincere, but your heart is suspicious. You might find yourself thinking: “What if he’s just going through the motions? What if he’s telling me what I want to hear?”

This disconnect between what your head knows and what your heart feels is exhausting. Sometimes, time helps bridge that gap. Other times, it requires speaking up. If your husband’s efforts feel scripted, flat, or incomplete, he may not realize it. As painful as it is, letting him know what you still need can make a big difference.

Looking At Yourself (Even If It Feels Unfair): This is the part no one wants to hear, but I mention it gently because it’s so often the missing piece. If your husband is showing up consistently and saying all the right things, but you still can’t believe him, sometimes the root is inside of you.

Infidelity devastates self-esteem. Many wives quietly carry the belief that they’re not lovable, not enough, not truly wanted. And if deep down you don’t believe you’re worthy of love, then no matter how much your husband says “I love you,” it won’t sink in.

This doesn’t mean you’re flawed. It means you’ve been deeply wounded, and the only person who can repair your self-worth is you. It can feel infuriating—why should you have to do self-work when he was the one who cheated? But in reality, reclaiming your confidence and sense of worth is something you do for your own survival. It’s not about fixing him. It’s about healing you.

Looking At The Marriage Itself: There’s another possibility: maybe the pain lingers because nothing has structurally changed in your marriage. If safeguards aren’t in place, if patterns haven’t been addressed, if trust hasn’t been rebuilt in concrete ways, then part of you knows you’re still vulnerable. And that makes it nearly impossible to feel safe enough to let go of the pain.

When you start to see real change—new boundaries, new communication, new habits—you slowly begin to feel less exposed. And once your marriage feels more solid, it’s easier to imagine a future that isn’t defined by the past.

It’s Not Impossible To Eventually Feel Normal Again: I know how exhausting it is to live with this kind of pain. You just want to feel normal again. You want the tears to stop. I’ve been there, and I remember thinking, “Is this how it’s always going to be?”

It wasn’t.

Although I wouldn’t have believed it at the time, my marriage is actually stronger today than it was before the affair. It took time. It took honesty. It took me working on myself in ways I didn’t think I should have to. But eventually, the pain eased. The fear lessened. I don’t wake up wondering if my husband will cheat again. I feel safe in my marriage, and I feel stronger in myself.

If you’re hurting today, please don’t assume that means you’ll always hurt this way. Healing is possible, even if it’s slow and uneven. Sometimes, the smallest shifts – believing his sincerity, rebuilding yourself, strengthening your marriage – are what finally set you free.

You can read more of my personal story at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.

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