Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many spouses initially attempt to stay together after one of them has an affair. I find that this always shocks people. There is an assumption that the discovery of an affair has an immediate and dramatic effect (and it often does.) But ending your marriage on the spot is something that few are willing to do – especially if their are children or other joint responsibilities involved.

Why The “Throwing It In His Face” Thing Happens: Many couples take a sort of “wait and see” approach. They sort of stumble along and they hope that things get better. But what they typically find is that, without help, it’s very hard not to hyperfocus on the shock, resentment, and anger. And so the faithful spouse might always lash out with reminders about the affair. This behavior is known by the very unscientific term of “throwing the affair back in his face.”

The vast majority of husbands who I hear from accuse their wives of this. And I think most of us can understand why the wife does it: She’s still reeling. And she never wants him to forget what he has done. Plus, she is often trying to get a reaction out of him so that she can better understand why he has done this. She doesn’t wake up in the morning and say “gee, let me see how many times I can remind my husband of his mistake. Let me see how effective I can be at throwing it in his face.” No, it’s just kind of something that happens. The words come spilling out of her mouth before she can stop them and her husband’s reaction perpetuates the problem.

The Impact: When this goes on for too long, it can become every bit as detrimental to the marriage as the affair because the husband can begin to think that he is going to have to deal with this for the rest of his life. He begins to think that he can’t go for many more days of being constantly reminded of his mistake. And that might be when he leaves. Of course, the wife can think that this is horribly unfair. She might say: “After all of my cheating husband’s begging me not to leave him, I agreed to work on our marriage. This was somewhat against my better judgement, but I did this for my kids. Now after I made this big sacrifice in good faith, my husband has informed me that he is leaving me because I ‘throw the affair in his face all of the time.’ I plead guilty to this. You bet I do. I admit that I probably bring up the affair a little more than I should. Sometimes, I don’t mean to but it just sort of comes out. But what does he really expect from me? It’s very unrealistic for him to think that I’m just not going to talk about it or not to mention it. I feel that I have that right. And if this is something that he did not want to discuss, then he should have thought about that before he decided to have an affair. So now he is willing to throw our marriage away even though four weeks ago, he begged me not to do the same. I just don’t get it. So now I guess I am going to end up divorced anyway.”

Ask Yourself What Your Husband Really Wants (Because It Might Not Be A Divorce:) I understand your thought process, but I can tell you that many couples struggle with this issue. And certainly not all of them end up divorced. I also suspect that right now, your husband is trying to get your attention. It’s possible that what he really wants is for you to back off on the whole “throwing it in his face” thing rather than wanting to actually be divorced – especially since not more than a month ago, he was begging you to save the marriage.

Many men actually do understand why you bring it up, but they don’t want a life sentence of having to listen to it everyday of their life. And, because they are so close to it, they can’t see a scenario where it will taper off.

Seeing The Light At The End Of The Tunnel: I can tell you that once you get some sort of help or gain some sort of momentum, you often begin to bring it up less – because you begin to feel that you are making progress. I can’t tell you the last time my husband and I discussed the affair. But to be fair, that was over years ago. We have moved on, and it just is no longer part of our lives. But in order to get to this place, we had to do the work first. And during that time, we did have to talk about it quite a bit. Once we started counseling and I started some self work, I didn’t feel the immediate need to talk about it ALL of the time because I knew that it would be addressed regularly. This really helped and I think that it could help you also.

Because really, you just want to feel as if you are being heard. You just want some relief. If you know that say, once a week, you will be able to have your say, then you will be less likely to keep bringing it up. And if your husband knows that he might go from hearing it once a day to once a week, he will be more likely to cooperate to regular (but more limited) discussions. If he still insists on leaving, then at least the counseling can help you to co-parent. That’s beneficial by itself. But many couples find that this type of counseling ends up helping them as a couple also.

For whatever it’s worth, I think that it’s possible that your husband doesn’t actually want a divorce.  He just wants a break in being reminded of his mistake.  He may eventually come to understand that the fastest way to stop making this the primary topic of conversation is to start to heal.  Once you’ve healed your marriage, there’s no longer any need to keep bringing it up or to throw it in anyone’s face.  If it helps, you can read more about my own journey with this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from women who are engaged and who have found out that their fiancé has cheated on them. Sometimes, this happens at the bachelor party and other times, it happens randomly, but while the engagement is active.

Understandably, many of these women consider breaking off the engagement and not going through with the marriage. After all, if he will cheat on you while you are engaged, won’t he cheat once you are married? Isn’t “once a cheater always a cheater” almost always true? Shouldn’t you get out while the getting is good? Why would you go through with a marriage to a man who cheats before there is really any marital stressor?

Someone might say: “I was all set to get married and then I got an instant message on Facebook from my fiancé’s ex girlfriend saying that her conscience mandated that she admit to me that my future husband has been coming over to her place and sleeping with her for the last two months. She said that it started when he basically contacted her to tell her that he was engaged and to, in a sense, get closure and tell her goodbye. They met for dinner and one thing lead to another. She does admit that he broke it off a few weeks ago. She admits that he told her that he was so guilty about what they had done and that he was committed to me and could never see her again. So I am not sure what her motivation was in coming forward now. But I am sort of glad that she has because that is something that I needed to know. Of course, I confronted my fiancé about this. And he admitted it, but has been following me around crying about how he can not lose me. Well, perhaps he should have considered this before he ever called his ex. My first inclination was the end the engagement and to never see him again. And this is what I told him that I was going to do. I wasn’t trying to scare him. I was totally being sincere. That was my plan. But then I spent a few weeks without him and he was calling me and enlisting all of our mutual friends to help him. So that’s when I started to change my mind ever so slightly and opened my mind to the idea of only postponing the engagement. But many of my friends tell me that I am crazy. They say if a man will cheat on you during your engagement then he is most definitely going to cheat on you during your marriage. Are they right?”

I don’t know of any one who can successfully predict the future. However, infidelity before you are ever actually married is not the best sign. That said, I would suspect that healing from this infidelity is going to be the same as it would be if you were actually married. After all, when you are engaged, the commitment is still there. Sure, it’s not as big of a commitment as actually being married, but it’s about serious as it gets.

In order to have confidence that this won’t happen again, you are going to do have to extensive work to find out why this happened, to figure out a way to keep it from happening again, and to restore the trust and goodwill. Your fiancé has to be willing to take an honest look at his motivations and behaviors. What made him reach out to the other woman in the first place? Once they’d crossed the line once, why did he go back again? Was he going to confess or would you have never found out if the other woman hadn’t told you?

All of these questions need to be answered and then the work truly begins. I would highly recommend getting counseling. That may seem overwhelming or like not a lot of fun. But it’s much better to go ahead and do it then to live with a troubled marriage. At the very least, some good self help is needed. Very few people have the skills to see the issues necessary to heal the relationship on their own. Most people just can not be objective enough or see their relationship in the way that it needs to be seen.

But to answer the original question. Cheating once does not always mean repeat cheating. However, it is a warning sign. And you have enough notice of this warning sign that it may be prudent to make sure you do all of the necessary work until you are COMPLETELY comfortable going forward with the wedding. It doesn’t make sense to walk into something that you know may be a future problem when you have the time and foresight to avoid this, and to work until you are COMPLETELY comfortable going forward with the wedding.

I know that it may not seem this way right now – but you do have an advantage.  You are not married and do not have kids with this man.  That means if you are not happy where rehabilitation leads, there is nothing concrete holding you to the relationship.  You have flexibility that people who are already married do not have.  And this means that you can set a very high standard for your fiancé with the knowledge that you have a pretty easy recourse should he not meet it.  That said, I know for a fact that rehabilitation is possible after an affair because I’ve been through it myself.  You can read more about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s very normal to be critical of your spouse after you’ve had an affair.  It’s human nature to want to justify your actions.  But what happens if your criticisms are really and truly justified?  What happens if these flaws are things that everyone notices?  How do you deal with them after the affair has been found out?”

Here’s an example.  A husband might say: “my wife has always been very sour and condescending.  When we were first dating, I actually thought that this was cute.  I called her my little grouch because rarely did her grumpiness and pessimistic outlook affect me.  Of course, after we had kids and have been married for a long time, it most definitely started to affect me – in a very negative way.  My wife is never happy.  She can be extremely critical and abrasive.  When I am around her, I feel as if I can’t do anything right.  This really started to weigh on me and I know it is a factor in why I had an affair.  Because the other woman was so attractive to me because she is so sweet and positive.  She is one of the most optimistic, naturally happy people that I have ever met.  And after being around my wife for so long, this was so unbelievably refreshing. It felt like such a relief.  That said, I am not proud of what I have done.  I know that the best thing for my family would be to save my marriage.  So I have committed to doing that.  But now that I have a taste of being around a positive person, it is hard for me to be accepting of my wife’s abrasive personality.  Needless to say, it is even worse now because she is furious with me for cheating.  She was extremely critical of me before, but now she is out and out mean to me.  Granted, this is understandable.  I cheated on her.  But knowing my wife as I do, I know that years from now, she is still going to be abrasive and hard to live with – because that is just who she is.  Do I have any recourse with this? Or do I just have to accept that it is my lot in life to live with a pessimistic, sour spouse?”

An Unconventional Approach That Helps You To Get To The Root Of The Problem: It does sound like you are living in a tough situation.  But I am going to ask you to do something that you probably haven’t considered and which may to be somewhat difficult and unconventional.  I want you to try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes.  Why?  Because I know from experience that it truly helps if you can understand why your wife is acting in the way that she is (and has in the past.)

I learned this trick in counseling, and I most commonly use it when dealing with my mother – who is also sometimes mean and abrasive.  Our relationship suffered because of this until I was asked to do this exercise.  That is when I realized that my mother is almost always acting out of fear and anxiety.  She grew up the child of an alcoholic and she never had a sense of safety.  As a result, she lashes out at her loved ones as sort of a preemptive strike – if she can hurt you first, then you can’t hurt her.

Knowing this, I am able to more effectively deal with my mother by trying to make her feel safe. I try to make her feel as if there is nothing that she could do to run me off – and that I am here for the long haul.  I also no longer take her personality personally.  Has this magically transformed her into a loving person?  Not exactly, but our relationship is now completely different and much, much better.

My point is that if you can understand WHY your wife is so abrasive, you would be in a better position to make improvements.  I would highly recommend getting a counselor’s help for a lasting and dramatic transformation, but putting yourself in her shoes is a great way to start.  People who are pessimistic are quite often people who are hurting and who are scared.  Once you understand this, everything can change.

I am not making excuses for your wife or telling you that you should just accept her harshness. You shouldn’t.  Honestly, the change would probably be a relief for her.  My mother isn’t happy when she’s acting abrasive and your wife likely isn’t either.  That said, it’s better to let the counselor approach her because she’s likely to see any feedback as critical coming from you.

And, she may see it as an attempt to take the focus off of your affair, which is completely understandable.  Her approach and her personality can certainly be ONE of the things that you address in counseling.  But there is likely plenty of blame to go around.  The bottom line is that you never have to “just accept” anything that is destructive to your marriage.  And if there is anything good that comes out of an affair, it is that it can be a good time to define what you want your new marriage to look like.

There were many things that my husband and I revamped in our marriage after his affair.  We hashed out many behaviors and tendencies in counseling, which is where I learned that it is tricky to not sound critical when you are negotiating these things.  It does take a bit of patience and finesse.  But it is so worth it in the end because you truly can end up with a happier marriage than you started with.  You can read more about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Unfortunately, many wives are faced with the other woman in the affair. Sometimes, the wife seeks her out and, other times, the other woman seeks out the wife. Ideally, it would be wonderful if the wife could shut her down before having to hear anything that she can’t get out of her head. But this isn’t always the case.

Sometimes, I swear the other woman has the full intention of unleashing every bit of hurtful information that she can – whether it is accurate or not. And once the wife hears this, there is really no way to un – hear it. The other woman will often try to make the affair into this colossal, special relationship that can never be forced to end. In essence, she is trying to sabotage the marriage as best as she can. So she’ll tell you that she and your husband had big plans – or were planning a future together.

Here’s an example. A wife might say: “I was minding my own business in the grocery store the other day and my heart stopped when I saw my husband’s ‘other woman’ out of the corner of my eye. Honestly, I was going to leave the groceries in my cart and just run out of there. But she literally closed the distance between us in seconds and grabbed my arm. Then she hissed: ‘I want you to know that your husband and I had our entire future all planned out. He was planning to leave you as soon as your son turned five. We have been looking at houses. If you don’t believe me, I’ll bet if you look around your house, you will find a brochure or two. That is how serious it was. I don’t know what he has told you. He may be downplaying it as though it was nothing serious. But I want you to know that it was very serious indeed. We were planning to spend the rest of our lives together.’ At first, I blew this off. I assumed that she was sour grapes because my husband ended things. But then, I searched the glove box of his car and what did I find? Two brochures for new custom-built homes. Now I am starting to think that she was telling me the truth. It’s ironic that I’ve been after my husband to upgrade our home before I learned about the affair. My husband and I have been struggling to save our marriage. I’ve been having a hard time forgiving and trusting. And that’s when I thought that the affair was nothing special. But now that I know that he was planning to leave me, I have no idea how I will ever move past this.”

You are assuming that she is one hundred percent correct.  I suppose that  it’s somewhat possible that she could be telling you the truth. But make no mistake. She has her own agenda. Like you said, she may desperately want your husband back, so she is going to do everything in her power to undermine your marriage and your attempts at a reconciliation.

It could be that your husband was looking at homes for YOU, since you have been asking him about it. Or maybe he did look at homes with her, but that might only mean that he was trying to make her THINK that he was going to leave you. (Many married men do this. They paint a whole picture for the other woman just to keep her happy in the affair. But they have NO intention whatsoever of leaving their wives.) The other alternative is that she is being truthful. Perhaps she is completely right and he did intend to leave you. And yet, he is still there – in your home and working hard to save your marriage.

So from this, you can deduct that somewhere along the way, he changed his mind. I know that it’s hard to process this. But sometimes, it comes to a point where you decide that you can focus on the past or your can focus on your future.

I would most definitely discuss this with your husband. You were not doing anything wrong. You did not seek her out. You did not ask for the information. But now you have it and it is going to bother you until you ask him for clarification. You might try: “I was totally minding my own business while shopping and the other woman was there and insisted that the two of you were house hunting because you had every intention of leaving me when our son turns five. Is this true? And if it is, why are you here now?”

See what he says. If he denies it outright, then you will have to decide if you want to talk about the brochures that you found. But give him the chance to be honest with you first. He may have a plausible explanation. He may admit that this is what he told her, but that he had no intention of going through with it. Or he may tell you that he DID intend to be with her, but that he changed his mind once the affair was discovered (which is very common.)

Of course, you will have to process what you discover. But try to keep in mind that he made a choice to be with you. Only you can decide if this matters to you. Regardless of whether you choose to save your marriage, healing from something like this takes time. It can be a while before you are in a position to weigh all of the information and then determine where you want to go from here.

Take your time. You didn’t ask for any of this and you deserve all of the information so that you can make an informed decision.

And don’t beat yourself up about the trust issues.  Recovery takes time.  Every time that I would get impatient with myself after my husband’s affair, I would try to remind myself that I didn’t ask for any of it and I was doing the best that I could.  What more can anyone ask? You can read more about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who think that their spouse was not motivated by sex, by romance, or by emotions when they had an affair.  Instead, they are pretty sure that their spouse was motivated by the quest for power.  Or, their spouse was trying to level the playing field in their marriage.

For example, someone might say something like this: “for the last three years of our marriage, my husband told me that I treated him badly.  He said that everyone thought that he followed me around like a little puppy dog.  He said that everyone thought that he had ‘lucked into’ marrying me.  This always bothered my husband.  And he said that I did nothing to raise his self esteem or to reassure him that I was happy with him and with our marriage.  Sometimes, he would accuse me of not being sensitive enough to his feelings and he would say that I took him for granted.  He would say that I treated others better than him.  He actually told me ‘one day you are going to regret treating me like a dog.  One day the tide is going to turn. Wait and see.’  At the time, I thought he was just blowing hot air and complaining.  But now, since I’ve learned about the affair, his words are very pointed and memorable.  The other woman is not even that great.  I am much prettier.  I am much more accomplished.  She was just someone who would cheat with him.  And he left clues everywhere – like he was almost desperate for me to find out.  Now it’s as if he expects me to fall all over myself crying.  But I refuse to do that.  He says he wants to save our marriage.  And I am open to that.  But I am not going to redefine my marriage where he has the power and I do not.  I am not going to be the wounded one while he feels as if he is holding all the cards.”

I certainly don’t blame you for not wanting the marriage that you describe.  I don’t think anyone would find that type of marriage ideal.  And regardless of how badly your husband may have felt, there is no valid excuse for cheating.  Still, he may well have been motivated by trying to balance the power in your marriage.  And he may justify it to himself by telling himself that he tried to communicate the inequality to you, but you ignored him.  So he may have told himself that the only way to get your attention was to get “caught” having an affair.

This is faulty reasoning, of course.  But that might be an accurate description of his incorrect thought process.  Neither of you can take this back.  The affair has happened and what you are left with now is the future.  You get to define how that goes.  You get to mandate how your marriage is going to look moving forward.

I’d like to make a suggestion, if I may.  Things didn’t work when your husband felt that he was not an equal partner.  And you are very clear on the fact that you will not play second fiddle. So why not make this a marriage of equals?  If you are both still invested in your marriage, neither of you deserve anything less.

There has to be some way that he can feel respected and as an equal while you feel empowered and triumphant.  There are ways to negotiate this.  I can tell you that in the weeks and months after the affair, there is a real tendency to keep score or to constantly remind your spouse that you are the injured party.  And there is a real tendency on his part to get defensive and to want to still claim his part as the original injured party.

This is understandable, but from experience, it really doesn’t get you anywhere.  You can’t heal because you’re clinging too tightly to your pain.  I know that it takes some time before you can release your grip on this.  And sometimes, you need professional help to remind both of you of this goal.  But score keeping and clinging to pain are two major reasons that marriages fail after an affair.

It can take time and be hard to move past this, but I want you to remember that the main goal in recovery after an affair is to be truly and genuinely happy once again.  It’s nearly impossible to do this when you are in a lopsided marriage where both people don’t feel equal.  Your husband’s feelings are not always your responsibility and under your control.  But yours are.  And controlling yours is at least one thing that you can do to move toward healing.

I am not defending your husband.  As someone who was cheated on also, I would never do that.  But I can tell you how many men think.  If you want to save your marriage moving forward, you will have to carefully look at how each of you evaluate your place within it.  Power struggles have no place in a healthy marriage.  So always be aware of this.  And try to negotiate the stance that will make you both feel respected and on equal footing.  You can read more about my own struggles with recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: You would think that when your husband is caught cheating, he would realize that he is no position to negotiate. Ideally, he would panic at being caught, apologize profusely, vow to give you whatever you need, and walk the straight and narrow from that day forward.

However, many cheating husbands try to push their luck a little. They may realize that there is something that you want. And they know that there is something that they want. And so they will try to negotiate or strike a deal.

One example is the husband who will try to tell his wife that sure, he will break things off with the other woman, but only if she will agree to take him back first. This leaves the wife in a tough position. Of course she wants him to end the affair, but why does she have to give him this guarantee? She might say: “I finally got my husband to admit that he has been cheating. He has denied it for months, but I knew that he was lying. I kept at him until finally one day he left his phone on the counter. Even after confronted with texts, he continued to deny it. But then I told him that I was going to call the number back and he finally admitted to it. I kicked him out of the house. And I told his parents. And they were so furious with him that they would not let him stay with them. I told mutual friends and he is not welcome to stay there, either. He is staying with his brother. They have a very difficult relationship. So my husband is very unhappy with his new living arrangement. In the three weeks that he has been gone, he has called me every day begging me to take him back. I asked him if it was over with the other woman and his response was: ‘it will be if you take me back.’ I asked him to clarify. He said that although he has not seen her since I caught him, he has not officially told her that he can’t see or talk to her anymore. He says he is willing to do that once I take him back and let him move back in. He hasn’t come right out and said this, but it seems like he’s keeping her on the hook in case I don’t take him back. That way, he won’t be alone. Honestly I don’t know that I am ready to take him back. I feel like he is rushing me and almost blackmailing me to take him back before I am ready. I want to see a lot more remorse first. And I want to know that he’s willing to end things with her regardless, because it is the right thing to do. Is this too much to ask?”

I certainly don’t think that it is too much to ask. The truth is, there is no guarantee for your marriage after an affair. No one knows how it is going to turn out. Some couples who vow to stick together and work things out don’t make it. The resentment and pain is just too much. Or one spouse just can’t let it go. And then couples who seem as if they are one hundred percent destined for divorce pull through and actually revamp their marriage.

The thing is, it is hard to know which category you are going to be in right in the beginning. You haven’t even yet tried to heal. You haven’t yet tried different things that might help you. So you have no point of reference and you certainly can’t make him any promises only three weeks after the affair was discovered. It seems to me that he is asking way too much way to soon. Yes, I am biased, but I think that most women would agree with me.

Of course, he doesn’t want to willingly understand this because he doesn’t think that it is in his best interest to do so. He wants to come home as soon as possible, so he is going to use whatever currency he thinks that he has. And he probably believes that what you want most is to know that it is over. If this arrangement is not acceptable to you, then you must tell him.

You might try: “I’m not comfortable with this. It would be rushing your homecoming by negotiating something that should happen anyway. But this I mean that in order to show good faith and a commitment to our marriage, you should break it off with her anyway. If you love me and are committed to our marriage, then I should not need to convince, shame, or negotiate you into breaking it off. As far as coming home, that should not happen until we are both comfortable with it and we have made significant progress. It has only been three weeks, so it is not even remotely possible that we could have made that much progress so soon. I need to see real progress and real good faith before I even consider your moving back in. Recovery after an affair is not a process that happens in three weeks. And you can’t pretend that it has just because you want to come home. Breaking it off is your decision. But I need you to make the right one regardless of your living status. I can’t even consider saving our marriage if she is still in the picture – no matter where you live.”

This should have to make things very clear to him. Any man who is serious about his marriage should not hesitate to break it off once he sees that you are not willing to negotiate. If he doesn’t, well then, that is a different type of information to tell you where his commitment currently lies.

Assuming that he does the right thing and breaks it off regardless, it is still your decision as to how you want to move forward.  No one should and can set your ideal time frame but YOU.  Don’t allow yourself to rush and be pressured by someone else’s agenda.  You did nothing wrong and you should certainly have the luxury of moving at your own pace without pressure.  Sometimes, after my own husband’s affair, I had to make these demands (quite forcefully sometimes.)  But I was determined to not be influenced by anything but my own wishes.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives who reach out to me do so because they are not getting the response that they hoped for by their cheating husbands.  Sometimes, he is reluctant to end the affair or to show much remorse.  Other times, he may unenthusiastically end the affair and promise to try to save the marriage, but the entire effort feels sort of half hearted and seems to fall short of what the wife truly wants.  Some wives will describe this as “taking the easy way out.”

Here’s an example. Someone might say: “I found out that my husband is cheating with a woman that makes deliveries to his office.  She does not work at his office.  She works for a company that stops in everyday to pick up packages.  So he has to see her all the time.  When I caught him, he agreed to end it and said that it didn’t mean anything to him anyway.  He said that he knew that he was wrong and that he was sorry.  He indicated that he was willing to step away from the front of the office when she came in for deliveries so that he would not have to see her.  But these are really the only concessions that he seems willing to make.   There has been no talk that he should perhaps cut off all contact or explore why he might have cheated.  He’s not even given me a heart-felt apology or shared any of his feelings with me.  He hasn’t told me that he will do anything to save our marriage – like my neighbor’s husband did.  He’s not done romantic things or tried to show me what I mean to him.  He hasn’t talked about counseling.  It is as if he thinks he will simply say he’s sorry, step away from his desk once per day, and expect me to believe that I don’t have to worry about him cheating again.  Honestly, I’m already worrying about that – as well as the idea that he hasn’t completely broken it off.  And I find myself wondering if this type of anxiety and unease is going to be my new normal.  Do I have a right to ask him NOT to take the easy way out?”

You absolutely have a right.  (Although I suspect that many husbands in this scenario will tell you that they don’t think that they have it very “easy.”)  They’ll tell you that it’s very embarrassing and shameful to be caught in this way.  They’ll tell you that things will be awkward at work.  And they’ll tell you that they are sorry, even if you assume that they are not.  (I’m not saying that they are right here, but this is what they often think.)

Still, you have every right to tell your husband what you require to make this better.  None of this was your fault and if you have things that need to happen in order to make you feel more secure, then you deserve for those things to happen.  That said, he may not know about these things unless you tell him.  As much as we might like for him to be able to, he can not read our minds.

And if he’s like many men, he won’t make any effort unless we require it of him. Because let’s face it.  Human nature means that most of us want to make life as easy as possible – especially when it is painful or embarrassing to face up to our mistakes.  That said, it’s understandable that this type of avoidance is unacceptable to you because it means that you can’t have the confidence that it’s safe to trust him.  You’re only guessing or having blind faith because he hasn’t shared his thought process with you and he’s doing no work to explore why this happened ( as well as what might keep it from happening again.)  And these things are NOT too much to ask of him, at least in my opinion (although I’m admittedly biased.)

You might have to spell it out for him by saying something like: “I’m glad that you’ve broken it off and have promised not to interact with her anymore, but honestly, that is not quite enough for me.  I need for us to spend some time uncovering why this happened. I need to totally believe that you are genuinely and completely sorry.  I’d like to discuss counseling at some point.  This is a huge thing for me to process.  It is going to take time, but more than that, it is going to take effort.  I need to see that effort. I’m waiting to see that effort, because so far, I am worried that I am not going to see enough of it.  Do you understand what I am saying?  Is there a way that I can explain it better?  Perhaps if you were able to put yourself in my shoes and ask yourself what you might need from me if I had been the one to cheat on you, that role reversal might help us.”

Allow him time to think about what you’ve said, but after that, you should see more effort.  If you don’t, then you may have to speak up again until it sinks in that you aren’t going to settle for a half-hearted effort.  Often, husbands need to be made aware of our expectations.  I agree with you that you have every right to expect him to rise to the occasion.

My husband didn’t just magically offer up what I needed, either.  I had to ask for it (and often more than once.)  Sometimes, he honestly felt that he was doing the best that he could, but I knew (and our counselor sometimes knew) that he should be expected to do better.  This is sometimes a constant negotiation.  And this effort is often annoying to us because we feel like he should “just know” what we need.  But he sometimes doesn’t know because he isn’t a woman and he isn’t the faithful spouse.  So, as annoying and unfair as it is, in order to get what you want, you sometimes have to keep asking and keep holding him accountable.  You can read more about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  If you are going through the unfortunate time period after the discovery of your spouse’s affair and other people know about it, you’ve probably already realized that people have a tendency to think that you want or need their opinions and advice.  This can very annoying and hurtful.  It’s hard enough to process what is happening without having to deal with unsolicited advice on top of all of that.

Most wives have no idea how, or if, they should respond.  Someone might say: “unfortunately, my husband’s entire office knows about his affair.  He cheated with a coworker.  I very stupidly thought that I would surprise him with lunch and I walked into his office and found him with her.  Needless to say, I screamed out a string of obscenities and the whole office found out about this.  I know many of the women in the office.  And I am friends with many of the wives of my husband’s male coworkers.  So, people have called and come by to offer support.  Some of the women tell me that I should leave my husband immediately.  Others tell me that they too have dealt with an affair, but that they ended up being glad that they could salvage their marriage.  Some of the women are outright rude and they put their hands on their hips and raise their voices as if I have done something wrong, even though they are talking about my husband and not myself.  Some apologize that they knew about the affair and didn’t tell me.  Honestly, these conversations make me almost as upset as the affair itself.  For the most part, I just nod and hope that these conversations pass quickly.  But some of these women come at me again and seem to refuse to drop the topic.  What am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to respond?”

I am so sorry about your situation.  I know how awkward and difficult it is to have this conversation with people who truly think that they are being helpful or who mean well.  Most of the time, these people truly do care about you and they are truly trying to offer you some comfort.  The problem is that having to decide how to respond is anything but comfortable.  After my husband’s affair, I was always careful not to tell anyone who didn’t absolutely need to know because I was trying to avoid such encounters.  But you have no choice here, so for those who just won’t take a hint, you may need to come up with an appropriate response.

You’re first inclination might be to say something like: “well, if I wanted your opinion, I would ask for it and it’s really none of your business.”  It also is sometimes tempting to agree that your husband is the biggest jerk on the planet.  But in truth, you might be co-parenting with this man or, (and I know that this may be hard to believe right now,) but it’s possible that you could eventually reconcile.  So you want to avoid saying anything that might come back to bite you later.

Here is a very genetic script, but one that is often effective.  It really doesn’t say anything objectionable or cruel.  It also acknowledges that the well-wisher truly is trying to help, but it shuts the attempt down right away.

Try: “I so appreciate your concern.  It’s so kind of you to worry about me, but right now, I have so much to process that I really have no information to share.  I’m taking things one day at a time and, if you don’t mind, I’d just like to focus on things that are more pleasant. In the last few weeks, I’ve spent more than enough time talking or thinking about this, so it would be wonderful if when we see each other, we could talk about things other than this unfortunate situation.  I know that you want to help me, and distracting me would help me.  So, what else can we talk about?”

You can see that I didn’t admonish the person for caring. I thanked them for their concern, pretty much told them I had no beans to spill, and then gently hinted that I didn’t want them to come at me with any more questions or “concerns.”  Most people will have the common decency to change the subject and respect your wishes.  For those that come at you again, just remind them of this conversation and change the subject yourself.  I tended to avoid folks that had to be told twice.  Who needs that?

You may feel bad about having to change the subject or to turn people away from this topic, but don’t.  Even if they are truly acting out of concern for you, it’s none of their business.  And even if it was, this is all very new to you. Things change very quickly in the time frame after an affair.  So you likely don’t have anything definitive to tell them.  It is your marriage.  These are your decisions.  And if you want to want to know someone’s opinion or want to seek their advice, you can certainly ask.  But you should not have to accept and listen to their spiel simply because they want to give it.

As I said, I limited the amount of people who knew about the affair.  I just didn’t want to discuss it or to have to justify / explain my thinking to anyone.  Of course, there are always a few that you will have to deal with.  But that should be the least of your worries, which is why you often need to shut it down.  If it helps, you can read more about how I handled the aftermath of my husband’s affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s not uncommon for sex to be a bit of a struggle after one partner discovers that the other has cheated or had an affair.  Some couples stop having sex altogether for a while.  Others carry on, but struggle.  Still others find that although the sex is occurring, it feels drastically altered or changed. Sometimes, it just doesn’t feel as intimate or as authentic.

Here’s an example of one wife’s explanation.  She might explain that her husband avoids eye contact and the sort of sweet, intimate contact that is part of the sexual act itself.  She might say: “I found out that my husband cheated on me about five weeks ago.  It took me an entire month to decide to have sex with him again.  I made that decision after he agreed to counseling and after I decided that I would at least try to save our marriage.  The sex is not always as bad as I feared that it would be.  But one thing really bothers me about it.  My husband does not look at me when we have it.  He puts his head at my shoulder level.  Or he closes his eyes. We used to look into each others’ eyes.  To me, this was as enjoyable as the sex itself because it was very loving and intimate.  But now, he avoids that.  I’ve even gone so far as to turn his face toward me, but he will eventually turn away or close his eyes again. This is really bothering me.  It makes me worry that he doesn’t want to look at me because he doesn’t find me attractive, and the only way that he can successfully have sex with me is not to look.  Or I worry that he is fantasizing about the other woman and he is afraid that I will figure it out.  Whatever the reason, him not wanting to look at me when we are having sex is very troubling. Does this mean our sex life is always going to be this way?  Why won’t he look at me?”

Why Eye Contact Might Be Limited Or Nonexistent: There could be many possibilities, but I don’t think that you have to automatically assume the worst ones.  This situation is not uncommon.  Sometimes, it is the faithful spouse who has trouble making eye contact because they are still angry and guarded.  But either spouse can be affected.  Both people know that there is a lot at stake and both people know that their marriage has been damaged.  So being guarded is understandable in these circumstances.

I also suspect that many cheating spouses don’t make eye contact because they are embarrassed and ashamed.  Think about it.  We have all known the child who has done something wrong and who can’t look at you as soon as they come into the house.  They don’t make eye contact because they are guilty and they are afraid that if they make eye contact, you will see right through them.  Even after they are found out, many won’t make eye contact because they are ashamed and they know that you are angry with them.

This May Not Last Forever: Does this mean that your sex life is forever altered?  In my experience, no.  Things are still very fresh right now.  As you begin to heal and as your husband begins to take responsibility and make this right again, his shame may lessen some because he will realize that he is at least trying to redeem himself. As your marriage begins to regain its footing, he may eventually feel as if he has the right to have sex with you (and to look at you during it) again.

Understand that many men in this situation feel that they do not deserve to have sex with their wives.  Sure, they won’t turn it down if they are lucky enough for you to offer it.  They’ll be physically present for it.  But they may not participate as usual because they are sort of walking on eggshells.  They don’t want to do anything wrong.  They don’t want to do anything to make you question them.  And like you, they know that things feel different.

But as you heal, things have a way of stabilizing.  As the intimacy returns to your marriage, it will often return to your sex life.  I’ve always believed that couples who have both an emotionally and a physically satisfying sex life are deeply connected and committed.  Obviously, these two things are going to suffer after one spouse cheats.  But, with healing, these things can recover.  Which means that the sex can recover, too.  And this is when you will likely see him looking into your eyes again during sex.

I know that this is upsetting.  But think about the progress that has been made.  Your husband had agreed to counseling.  You have decided to give this healing thing a try.  Now, you just have to put one foot in front of the other and walk toward progress.  You have to keep doing that until you heal.  You can read more about my own progress on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When a husband gets caught cheating, he will often immediately (and without thinking about it very much) promise that he will cut off all contact with the other woman.  Most of the time, he legitimately and sincerely means this.  Despite the perception, many married people who have affairs don’t leave for the other person once they’re caught.  They may have promised to do it.  They may have fantasized about doing it, but when push comes to shove, many cling to their marriages when the fantasy of the affair comes crashing down.

Many of them quickly realize that they were stupid to risk their marriage and because of this, they will say or do anything to placate their spouse and to not get kicked out of their home and be the recipient of an immediate divorce.

You want the other woman gone immediately?  Check.  You want to go to counseling?  Sure.  You want him to banish any proof or memory of her? No problem.  But as he is promising you these things, he doesn’t consider that there is one other person whom he will have to face – the other woman.

And he may show up full of resolve.  Or he may call her with the full intention of getting off of the phone immediately.  But he may not count on her reaction.  It’s rare that the other woman just accepts this reality and then ends the conversation.  No, she usually has questions.  She wants to debate this.  She wants to know what has changed.  She wants to draw his attention to those promises that he made her.  She doesn’t want to hear that he is recommitting himself to his wife or to his marriage.

Understandably, a wife can have no patience for all of these questions or requests for clarification.  She wants her husband to end it and to cut off all contact.  A wife might say: “my husband assured me that he would break off the affair and then completely cut the other woman off.  I listened as he told her that it was over and frankly, he was very decisive and firm.  You would think that this was the end of it, but it’s not.  I find emails from her.  I find texts.  Granted, most of the time it is her trying to get an answer out of him and he is resistant.  And there isn’t anything that in the correspondence that is obviously inappropriate.  But it’s inappropriate that he responds at all.  He says she keeps having questions about why this happened.  He says that she needs closure.   I don’t care about any of these things.   I don’t care if she lies awake at night with unanswered questions whirling in her head.  She knew he was married.  End of story.  She deserves whatever unanswered questions she gets.  How do I get him to stop answering her stupid questions?”

I think that you have to make it very clear to him that if he gives her any “in” at all, she is going to take it.  She may mistake the slightest response for interest when it is not.  He may genuinely think that it is kind to try to patiently answer her questions and to try to give her the closure that will let her down easily.  But honestly, she is probably never going to stop having questions.  No answer is going to satisfy her.  And she’s probably never going to truly get closure because this isn’t ending in the way that she wants it to.  Continuing contact just gives her hope.  And if it is truly over, there is no hope.

So like it or not, your husband is going to need to be firm.  He may have to say something like: “this is honestly the last time that we are going to talk.  I’ve answered your questions to the best of my ability. Beyond that, I just don’t have any more answers for you.  And going around and around like this isn’t helping anyone. So this is going to be it. Please respect what I am saying and don’t contact me again.  It won’t do any good.”

After this, he should not have any further contact.  He should block her if need be or change his number or email if she can’t be blocked.  Having to do all of this is unfortunate, but it is necessary.  Because having her still reaching out is just stringing her along, frustrating the wife, and stalling everyone’s healing.  And if the affair is really over, then this is all very unnecessary.

In order for healing to take place, there really should be only two people present in your marriage.  The quicker you know that she is out of your life, the quicker you can move on.  Your husband has to understand this.  Continuing to communicate in any way is confusing to everyone and just delays things.  Recovery is hard enough, so it’s best to make a clean break.  I was lucky in that my husband did just that, but we had other issues to deal with. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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