Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Most of the time, those who I hear from are the faithful spouse who already has absolute proof that their spouse has been cheating. Sometimes, I hear from the cheating spouse who hasn’t yet been caught. (However, they suspect that their spouse is either onto them or getting ready to confront them.) They know that they are being watched. And they in turn are watching their spouse. They don’t want to be caught and they are hoping that the behaviors that they are seeing do not mean that their spouse has serious suspicious about their cheating.

Someone might say: “I have been cheating on my husband for about two months. I am cheating on him with my son’s coach. He knows this guy very well. In fact, my son has been playing sports for this man for years. So it’s normal for me to be spending time with him. However, I’m sure that the vibe we put off when we are together has changed. I’m sure we’re both awkward or perhaps we talk or make eye contact too much when we’re not alone. I have a feeling that my husband is onto us. But weirdly, he doesn’t seem mad. He’s actually more sweet to me and to the other guy. Am I just being paranoid? How does someone act when they suspect their spouse of cheating?”

I am sure that people’s behaviors will vary – just like people themselves vary. I hear from people who strongly suspect or know that their spouse is cheating. And they react in very different ways. Some want to confront their spouse the second that they get concrete proof, so they immediately become amateur detectives – watching their spouse extremely closely and perhaps snooping without apology. While they are doing this, they sometimes try to act normally because they don’t want their spouse to figure out that they are snooping and then alter their behavior. They don’t want their spouse to know that they suspect anything – because this will make him easier to catch. So yes, you might see your spouse acting pleasant to you because they want to catch you off guard. Or, they may not be sure that you are cheating (and are frankly hoping that you are not.)

Sometimes when you see an overly nice spouse, they are acting this way because they feel in their heart that you are cheating (and may even have some proof) but they are hoping that in a very short amount of time, you will end the affair. They act nice to you because they are hoping to hurry this process along and they don’t want to make it worse by having a nasty confrontation. They’d just prefer to hope for the best without making a mountain out of a molehill that they hope will pass quickly.

Sometimes, you might see a spouse that starts acting cold and accusatory to you. This is generally the type of person who can’t pretend to feel something that they aren’t. Or you just can’t look the other way. They get angry when they feel that someone has mistreated them. So, they can’t hide their frustration toward you when they believe that you are cheating on them. With this type of spouse, you often have a reasonably good idea that they know you’re cheating because they are suddenly acting hostile and asking you a bunch of questions.

Some spouses feel this anger, but they would rather bide their time and get concrete proof before they confront you. So you may not see them being overly nice or hostile, but you might notice a new vibe from them, as if things just don’t feel right. They might be stewing in silence and just waiting for the right time for a confrontation.

Now that I’ve outlined how your spouse might be acting, I’d like to make a point which is really just me expressing my opinion. Take it for whatever it is worth. Instead of worrying about how your faithful spouse is acting, why don’t you worry about your own actions also? Judging from my own life and from the correspondence that I get, most affairs are eventually found out. It is usually only a matter of time.

But even before the discovery is made, an affair will typically change and negatively affect your marriage even if your spouse isn’t exactly sure as to why something is off with you. Frankly, you can’t expect to carry something like this out and not have it give off consequences. I think the more prudent worry right now is deciding if you really want to continue on this way – living with that worry in the pit of your stomach that you’re going to get caught. One way that you can stop the immediate worrying is to stop cheating. Many people who cheat will tell you very frankly that the guilt and the paranoia of being caught makes the whole process less than worth it.

Yes, I am very biased because I am the person who caught my spouse cheating.  That pain could have been avoided if he had ended things instead of worrying about getting caught.  There’s more to read on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: If you were to ask a bunch of wives whose husbands have just been caught cheating what they most want, I suspect a good number of them would answer with some variation on: “I want to know that he is sorry or remorseful for what he has done.” I believe that this is true even if the wife feels that her marriage is probably over. It is just human nature to hope that when someone hurts us so badly, they at least feel some of the pain that we are feeling in the form of regret.

So when this doesn’t happen, it can feel like you are being wounded twice. A wife might explain: “my husband doesn’t seem the least bit sorry that he’s just been caught cheating with someone young enough to be his daughter. I find this so creepy and almost perverted. But his excuse is that things are different for men. He will basically only go so far as to say he is sorry for hurting me, but he’s never expressed sorrow for what he has done. He’s never said he’s sorry for having such poor judgement and such a horrible lack of integrity. He seems to believe that this is an unfortunate thing that an aging man sometimes goes through. His lack of remorse absolutely infuriates me. And I have tried to spell out for him exactly why he should be sorry, but he doesn’t want to hear it. He will always interrupt me or just walk away. One of my friends said that I should leave him or move out and then he will be sorry real quick. She said that sometimes it takes a man literally feeling and seeing what he is missing to truly feel sorry. I have some hesitations about this. I don’t want to get in a situation where I’ve abandoned the home in case I end up divorcing him. But also, I don’t have anywhere suitable to go. Sure, I could go to a hotel, but when I consider this, I think that why should I be displaced from my home because of his mistakes? Would leaving him make him finally feel some remorse?”

That’s really difficult to predict, if not impossible. I can tell you that it does take some men a little bit of time to truly realize the enormity of their mistake. And yes, I suppose sometimes solitude may help to speed along the process. However, some men never give you the heartfelt apology and remorse that you want – even after you leave or divorce them.

There’s always the chance that you will leave and it won’t really have the desired effect on him. That’s why I think that if you truly want to leave, that’s certainly understandable and your right. But if you are only leaving because you’re hoping to inspire regret, know that there is risk in this plan and that it might backfire on you. I’ve heard of men actually feeling resentment over this – which they used to further justify their cheating.  Which meant that they felt even less remorse.

I suppose that the point I’m trying to make is this: You can’t force or get someone to feel the way that you want them to. Knowing this, I would suggest considering that your actions should be based on what you want or need and not on trying to manipulate what he is feeling or doing. Besides, don’t you want what are his genuine feelings? I’m not sure how much good it would do you to see him feeling manufactured guilt or remorse that doesn’t come from somewhere genuine – deep down inside of him.

I can tell you that when I went through this, what I was truly looking for was unsolicited examples of remorse – that didn’t come because he felt bad about our family. Or because it hurt him to see me sad. I wanted for him to truly understand how badly he had put us at risk. I wanted for him to understand that he was doing a serious disservice to every one involved. I wanted for him to understand that I had always known him to be a person of a much higher quality than what I was seeing.

But I didn’t want him to feel this way because I was having to pull it out of him. I wanted him to feel this way because it was coming from his heart. I really can’t tell you whether or not you should move out. Some women do choose to leave with no regrets. Some later change their minds. And some insist that the right choice for them was staying, but putting the brakes on their marriage until healing took place. All of these choices are valid. You have to do what works best for you. But I think the real motivation for your choices should be yourself and what you truly feel.  (And not what you are hoping that you can force him to feel.)

In my experience, remorse sometimes takes a bit of time.  People tend to feel defensive initially.  It is a way to protect themselves from all of the feelings raining down on them at once.  They feel shock and panic at first, and the remorse comes a little later in some cases.  If it helps, you can read more about my experience with remorse and other emotions on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s common sense that one of the biggest issues that you have to contend with after your spouse has an affair is trust.  Even if both of you truly want to save your marriage and come out of this OK, it seems that the trust is always staring you in the face and causing trouble.

And, this is understandable.  After all, most of us trusted our spouses before we found out about the affair and we had our hearts broken as a result.  We may have vowed to never be blindsided in this way again. And so we are always on our guard.  We are always watching and we are always waiting to catch him doing something wrong again.   Of course, most husbands can understand the scrutiny, but that doesn’t mean that they like it.  And they will often try to get you to drop it before you are ready to, leaving a wife to wonder how to proceed when the trust is still a huge struggle.

She might explain: “my husband cheated on me when I was distracted caring for an ill parent who was in the hospital.  I know that this was a stressful time for our family.  But it was not a picnic for me either.  I knew I had responsibilities to my family, but I was being pulled in several different directions.  I did the best that I could.  So of course when I find out that my husband has been cheating on me, it is shocking and devastating.  Of course I take everything my husband says with a grain of salt.  I did not immediately file for divorce. I am willing to see what might happen between us.  I am open to the idea of saving our marriage.  But I am also guarded about this.  I am constantly suspicious of my husband. If he works late, I assume he is cheating on me again.  The other day, he was very late and he texted me that he had a flat tire and I assumed that he was lying.  I was furious.  But then I drove by his office thinking his car wouldn’t even be there and indeed he was stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire.  I could have come to help him, but I was too busy thinking that he was lying. So I did stop the car and apologize to him.  His reply was: ‘you have got to start trusting me.’  I don’t see why.  It’s only been a couple of months.  And I have asked him to earn my trust by calling to check in and by going to counseling, but he seems to resist both.  He acts as if I have to take the first step by trusting him, but I think that it is the other way around.  I think that the first step is his being accountable and proactive so that he EARNS my trust back.  Who is right?”

I definitely think that your logic is correct.  And as a wife who has been cheated on, I completely understand how hard it is to give him the benefit of the doubt when you’ve been so badly burned.  He’s asking you to go against your better judgement and against human nature.  And it can be difficult to do this when you are trying to protect your heart.

With that said, I did learn that there has to be a compromise with this.  Because if you are constantly guarded and looking for problems, it is going to create even more tension in an already tense situation.  And it is hard enough to try to save your marriage without both of you feeling angry and suspicious.  I am by no means saying that you have to blindly trust him.  I don’t think that you do.  That’s an almost impossible task when the affair is so fresh. I do think that at some point, assuming that he’s been completely truthful and forthcoming, you have to give him some benefit of the doubt unless and until he gives you a reason not to.

No one says that you need to do this right away or immediately.  And if he is impatient about this, then there is nothing wrong with spelling out what needs to happen in order to speed this process.  This allows both of you to be on the same page and you might both get what you want more quickly.  You might try: “I’m willing to try to not assume the worst if you are willing to be more accountable and more proactive toward our healing.  I need to hear from you as soon as you know that you will be late.  I need for you to show me that you are serious about our marriage by going to counseling.  I will not be able to blindly trust you again until we heal.  And that is going to take a while.  But I think that counseling will make it happen faster.  And you’re being open and not secretive will also reassure me that you don’t have anything to hide.  If you show me your sincerity by doing these things, then I will try to not assume the worst.  Can we agree on that?”

Hopefully, he will agree.  Honestly, his wanting your trust sooner rather than later is natural.  And your not wanting to give it is also natural.  It doesn’t mean that he’s a bad person.  But it does take quite a while for the trust to be restored.  Perhaps the counselor can make this clear to your husband so that he no longer thinks that you are just punishing him.  A lot of healing has to take place before many wives are able to lower their guard. Asking for this too soon is, in my opinion, asking too much.  At the same time, you can understand how badly your husband felt on the side of the road knowing that his wife didn’t believe him, which is why it’s always important to try to meet in the middle when you can.

Believe me, I know that some days this is easier said than done.  I didn’t trust my husband for a second for months after his affair.  But as we healed, I let go some.  And he showed me his sincerity over time.  Because of both of these things, it felt safe to trust again.  And he has never made me regret it. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s not unusual to hear from people who are wondering if there is any way to look at a marriage and cite the shape of the marriage as justification for an affair.  Sometimes, it is the cheating spouse who is looking for this justification.  And sometimes, it is the faithful spouse wondering if there is any possible justification for their spouse’s cheating.  Because often, the cheating spouse will try to make the faithful spouse feel as if they had some contributing part in the affair.

For example, from the cheating spouse, you might hear: “I am not going to say that it is not wrong to cheat.  I know that it is.  But I also think that there are times where it might be at least somewhat justified.  Since my wife had kids, she has completely changed.  She is not interested in anything but topics that relate to toddlers.  As soon as I get home, I am greeted by a wife that talks in a babyish tone about nothing but parenting topics.  I love my kids, but it gets old.  Then she rarely wants to have sex.  And when we do, it’s not great. I would never leave my wife.  I would never dessert my family.  But she almost gave me no choice but to have my needs met elsewhere.  When I tell her this, she gets extremely furious.  She acts like I should not dare to offer up any justification for cheating on her.  I know that I was wrong to cheat.  But I was never going to leave my family.  And I felt like she almost gave me no choice.  I wish that someone would see my point.”

And if you were to hear from the wife in that situation, she would probably say something like: “my husband is trying to justify himself for cheating by essentially blaming me for his actions. He is saying that our marriage had turned cold and that I only paid attention to our kids and not him.  He said that I was only a mother and not a wife.  He said that he would never leave me, as though that’s supposed to make it better.  He acts as if since his intention was never to leave our family, I should just welcome him back into the fold.  But I can not bring myself to do this.  Because I do not buy his justifications.  I am not going to tell you that our marriage was unbelievable or even great.  But you don’t see me going outside of my marriage.  I get tired of being around toddlers, too.  But I would never feel justified in going outside of my marriage, even though I could.  Is there ever any situation in a marriage where an affair could be justified?”

Honestly, I am probably the wrong person to ask.  As someone who has been through an affair and because the correspondence that I get outlines the painful and sometimes devastating aftermath an affair, I have a very hard time ever finding any justification. I certainly don’t deny that there are plenty of challenged marriages in the world.  I could even see wanting to cheat or being tempted to do so.  But in those cases, I think that you should tell your spouse what is happening and make adjustments rather than just cheating. I think the difference is that you might be tempted, but you stop short of cheating on your spouse.

I do know that there are situations where people have open marriages and both people are in agreement that theirs will not be a faithful marriage.  I could not have this type of marriage personally.  But if both people are at peace and happy with this decision, at least no one is being dishonest and is going behind the other person’s back.

But when you do go behind your spouse’s back, you are being secretive and you are betraying the very person to whom you always promised to be true.  To me, that is cheating both your spouse and yourself.  And if I’m being honest, my answer about cheating being justified is that it’s justified only if you and your spouse are actually not married anymore.  Sometimes, when married people tell me that they’ve met the perfect person that they just have to have, then my inclination is that it’s not the right thing to do until you’ve left your marriage.  Most of the time, they aren’t willing to do that.  They aren’t willing to leave their marriage and THEN pursue the other person.  Because the person isn’t so “perfect” after all.  They want to keep the marriage, but they want to have the other person also.

Frankly, I just can’t see any justification in that.  I think that in order to keep your integrity, you need to approach your spouse when your marriage isn’t satisfactory.  Just being unhappy in your marriage shouldn’t give you permission or justification to cheat.  Honestly, many married people do not want to end their marriages because they aren’t technically THAT unhappy.  They want to have the other relationship to feel better about themselves or about their situations, but not many are willing to leave their families.  Instead, they are willing to put their family at risk, and then they hope that no one finds out.  And I just can’t see any justification for that.  Your children didn’t ask for that.  Your spouse didn’t ask for that.  At least give your spouse the chance to try to improve the situation before you take such a risk where your family is concerned.

I know that this may seem harsh or that I may seem a bit heavy-handed.  But I have seen and felt the devastation that an affair causes. And when it was all over, my husband wanted his family back.  So what was the point anyway?  Why all that devastation when he ultimately wanted to stay?  It seems like such a waste and I can’t see any justification in it. Yes, we reconciled and recovered. Things are great now.  But still, it was painful at the time and it was unnecessary.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives not only have to deal with the fact that their husband is having (or has had) an affair, but they also have to deal with the fact that he leaves the home for a while.  The wife may have wanted him to go, or he may have left all on his own.  This leaves her with the challenge of explaining to friends and family where he is, while she is also struggling to process what has happened and attempting to determine her feelings about the same.

The wife may start out never wanting to see him again because of her understandable anger, but then something changes or perceptions shift and both parties may eventually become open to communicating or to keeping in touch again.  In time, the topic of coming back home might come up, but both people might feel some reluctance.  The husband might express this reluctance by acting as if he isn’t sure if he wants to come home or by declaring that he’s not going to beg for the same.

Someone might explain: “my husband has not lived with me for about six weeks because I caught him cheating.  I can’t say that I threw him out because this is not exactly accurate.  I of course was furious with him and then he got all defensive and we were just at each other’s throats, so we both felt it best that he leave.  He claims that he didn’t see or stay with the other woman during this time, but I have no way to know if this is true or not.  Over the last two weeks, we have gone out a couple of times.  He has acted sweet and I’ve started to wonder if it might one day be possible to save our marriage.  I was shocked last night when he admitted that he really, really wanted to come home.  I told him that this was something that I would need to think on for a while. And then, to my surprise, he muttered ‘well, I’m certainly not going to beg, if this is what you are waiting for.’  I was kind of shocked. And frankly, a little confused.  I wasn’t wanting him to beg .  But honestly, if I did want that, why should he get defensive?  He cheated on me, so what if he has to beg?  Wouldn’t that be justified?  Why does he have to harp on the fact that he isn’t going to beg?”

I suspect that he is trying to set the tone before he comes back.  A good deal of men worry about how they are going to be treated when they return home.  They worry that you are going to always hold the affair over their head or make them grovel for your affection and approval.

So, as much as they might want to come home, they also don’t want to come home and be belittled, shamed, and made to feel like a lowlife.  (This is their perceptions, not mine.  I’m certainly not defending cheating husbands.) This fear of being treated badly is why they will try to set the stage ahead of time.  When he said that he wasn’t going to beg, he was likely hoping that you would respond with something like: “I’m not asking you to beg because I want you to come home just as much as you want to come home.”

In short, they want to feel like there’s a possibility that they might eventually be forgiven instead of repeatedly punished.  We’ve all known situations where the wife always holds the affair over her husband’s head for the rest of their lives.  Even years later, he is constantly being reminded about his mistake no matter what he has done to make amends.

I think this might be your husband’s fear and what he is trying to avoid with his words and with his posturing.  You could always try to have a discussion about it if you think that it might help.  Here is a suggestion. (But of course, you know your husband better than I do:) “I don’t recall asking you to beg.  We are both adults.  We can both decide if we want to live together once again without either of us needing to stoop to unfortunate levels.  Your coming home should be a joint decision that we both undertake willingly.  We are just starting this process and there is a lot of work to be done. It’s very early to start having misunderstandings about this.  If we both decide that it’s best for you to come home, then we can negotiate that.  But no one mentioned begging.  And no decisions have been made.”

You’ll need to decide if you truly think this is the right time for him to come home or if you want to get a little healing under your belt first.  Some people decide that it’s easier to live under one roof when healing their marriage and others feel that it’s better to wait until the marriage is healed before you live together again.  I chose to live with my husband because of our kids and because I knew that if we lived apart, I would worry about wrongdoing and have issues with trust.  Frankly, I wanted to keep an eye on things. Plus I knew that it would be easier to get counseling this way.  But you have to evaluate if you are truly ready for that. You can read more about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Most every wife I know (or have known) who is dealing with a cheating husband wants him to feel both remorse and guilt.  The wives want these emotions because they feel that he deserves to feel badly and they hope that these emotions mean that he might think twice about cheating again.

However, it is often like pulling teeth to get a man to admit to feeling these emotions.  People who have affairs often feel a need to justify them.  So you may get him to admit a few things, but he will often stop short of claiming every emotion that you would like for him to feel.

An example is the husband who might admit to feeling guilt, but who insists that he has no remorse.  Here is what I mean.  A woman might say: “It has honestly taken me about three weeks to get my husband to admit to feeling any guilt at all about having an affair.  This blows my mind.  There are times when I just can not believe it.  How can you not feel completely crushed by the knowledge that you did this horrible thing to your spouse?  Anyway, my husband will finally admit that he DOES feel guilty because he understands that cheating in general is a pretty deplorable thing to do.  But when I press him on whether he feels remorse, he says that he does not.  I ask him how you can feel guilt and not remorse, since they are emotions that seem to go hand-in-hand and are so closely related.  He says that the emotions are very different.  He say that he theoretically knows that cheating is wrong – thus the guilt.  But he also says that the relationship did offer him some things that he needed at the time.  And he said that in its own way, the affair was a special relationship that he would not have wanted to pass up.  He says that even though it is most definitely over, it changed him for the better in some ways.  What am I supposed to do with this? He claims that he wants to save our marriage, but without him feeling remorse and regret, I’m not sure how we are ever going to make it.  Is it even possible?”

Understand That His Thinking Is Very Flawed.  But It Also May Change: I think that saving the marriage is possible – at least eventually.  I think that your husband might have to make some progress in his thinking, but I also know that his thought process is extremely common and possibly could change.

Here is why.  As I alluded to earlier in this article, people who have affairs need a life raft in their thinking.  In order to not just feel complete self-hatred and devastation, they need to be able to justify their actions – at least in their own minds.  They need to believe that their mistake was worth the risk.  Otherwise, their behavior would be crazy and self destructive.  And no one wants to think this way about themselves.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that your husband is a bad or selfish person.  It just means that he’s desperately trying to make himself feel like not-so-bad-of-a-guy right now, while trying to make the decision seem to make some bit of sense on some level.

The good news is that eventually, the person who had the affair will often face reality.  They will see the error in their thinking.  Once the affair is no longer fresh and they are no longer actively participating in it, they are more able to step back and see it objectively.  In the beginning, they can be too wrapped up in trying to protect or defend themselves in order to have this objectivity.  And I need to be clear.  I think that this objectivity, this facing of reality, and the remorse should eventually come in order for him to have the mind-set that he needs to have for marriage-saving.  But I also know that many people do not have it initially.

Can You Force Remorse On Him?:  I’ve seen many wives try to shame, guilt, or force their husbands to feel great remorse – so much so that it’s almost like they want their husbands to feel as if he is the worst spouse / person to walk the face of the earth.  I’m not necessarily knocking this approach.  I tried it myself, which is part of the reason I know that it’s not likely to be successful.  Most of the time, it will only reinforce his desire to hold onto his justification.

I have come to believe that you are better off standing your ground, but with some plan in the back of your mind.  I think it’s normal and OK to make it clear that you are disappointed and angry, as anyone would be.  But you also want to conduct yourself with grace and focus on your own healing.  Because if you conduct yourself in a way that is above reproach, he has less motivation to try to defend or justify himself and he will eventually need to let down his baggage and just see that he was completely in the wrong and should now be deeply sorry.  He may not see this immediately.  And he may not always make a big announcement about it, but this realization often does come in time.

My husband did try to do some minor posturing in the beginning.  But I just repeated my assertions that I didn’t buy his reasoning and then I distracted myself with other things (because I had plenty to worry about.) I felt pretty sure that deep down, he knew how wrong he was and was going to be deeply sorry for the same.  I ended up being right about this.  But the full brunt of it did not hit my husband instantly or immediately.  It did come, though.  You can read more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I admit that when I used to hear from the “other woman” in an affair, I had preconceived notions.  I assumed that many of these women were not sorry and were without high morals or character.  I assumed that they cared about no one but themselves.  Over time, I had to admit that many of these women were as varied as the wives who sometimes reach out to me.  Sure, some of the cheating women were extremely self centered and spiteful – with no concern about who they hurt.  

But, others truly were sorry.  Some were every bit as damaged as the wife.  And many didn’t know exactly what – or who – they were dealing with.  Sometimes, the other woman truly didn’t know that the husband was married or she thought he was in the process of a divorce.

Still, when I hear from the occasional uncaring mistress who is exactly who you would picture as the stereotypical home wrecker, I realize why so many people have preconceived notions of women who have affairs.  Here is an example.  I might hear from a woman wanting to know exactly what she has to do to get the wife to leave the husband.  She has told the wife all of the sorted details.  She has made it clear that she has no intention of retreating.  She makes it clear that she does not intend to stop until the husband is hers alone.  It doesn’t matter to her if this breaks up a family or breaks someone else’s heart.  She is only looking out for herself.

She might say something like: “I do not get why the wife of the man that I am seeing is such an idiot.  She knows that he’s cheating on her.  She knows it because I have told her.  I have shown her pictures and texts and emails that leave nothing to the imagination.  I have told her that I have no intention of getting out of the picture.  I want her husband.  And he wants me.  I assumed that after we met and I was brutally honest with her, she would kick him out.  Nothing happened right away. So I figured they had to work out the logistics because of the kids.  But now it’s been weeks.  The guy is saying that he doesn’t know what they are going to do.  Why would she stay with him?  Why do people stay together when one of them is cheating?”

Well, I am not a woman or a spouse who has cheated on someone else, so I can not tell you things from that perspective.  But I can most certainly tell you things from the point of view of the faithful wife.  I can tell you why I didn’t leave.

I wasn’t about to let someone else dictate to me what I was going to do with my life.  When you have invested years into a marriage and a family, you aren’t going to simply walk away because someone else wants for you to.  You figure that you owe it yourself and to your children to see if you can salvage something.

And here is something which you may not have thought of.  Often, the husband is telling the other woman that he wants to be with only her, while claiming he that there is “nothing” between him and his wife any more. And yet, guess what happens once the wife finds out about the affair?  Much of the time, the husband is begging her to give him a chance to allow him to make this up to her.  He’s begging her not to throw his marriage away.

Of course, that is not what he is telling the other woman.  He will often give her vague phrases to indicate that he’s just not sure what is going to happen or he’ll say that his wife hasn’t done anything yet.  He’s not giving the other woman the entire picture.  He’s lying as he has all along.  And this is his fault.  But it is certainly not his wife’s fault.

She is operating under the information that he is giving her – and he’s likely giving her the information that is going to be more favorable to him.  So although he may be telling you that she stubbornly will not cut him loose, it may be that he is begging her not to.  Or, you may think of her as someone who is too stupid or scared to see the writing on the wall, but keep in mind that it may be you who doesn’t have all of the information.  Because you are basing your reality on what he is telling you – and he has already shown himself to be untruthful.

His wife may not be leaving him because he’s asking her not to.  She may want to save her marriage because of herself or her family.   It is her marriage, so that means that it is her decision.

Try to put yourself in her position.  How would you like it if a stranger came and told you that she wanted to take what you have worked years to build?  Would you willingly hand it over?  Or would you want more information and more time to think it over?

If you see her as a person, as a human being who is struggling with loss and betrayal, surely you can see that it is complicated.  Because you are clearly having a hard time walking away yourself.  Why should she be any different?

I don’t mean to come across as judgmental and unfeeling, but this is complicated, confusing, and painful for every one.  Try to remember that every one involved is human and has feelings. You can read more about my own struggles on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I believe that most people expect a non-existent or troubled sex life after the discovery of an affair. This reality happens quite often.  Many couples struggle with sex after a betrayal.  And it’s easy to understand why.

However, you might be surprised to learn that these struggles are not true of all couples.  Some of them find themselves in a sex  life that has actually improved dramatically.  And no one is as surprised as the two of them.  There can be some relief with this.  And frankly, the couple are often having a good deal of fun.  But they can also wonder how this scenario is even possible and whether or not it is healthy.

A wife might say: “I’m a little embarrassed to say this.  But my husband and I are about six weeks post-affair and our sex life has never been better.  I am not even sure how this happened.  One day, we were having a heated argument and then my husband kissed me and we started going at it.  We ended up having the best sex of our lives and we have continued on in that way.  Some of my friends do not understand this.  They don’t know how I can overcome my anger and give him sex.  I honestly don’t know what to tell them.  It’s not that I’m not angry.  I am quite mad at times. But frankly, I’m enjoying my marriage more than I have in a long, long time.  I know that I should question it, but my husband and I feel close again.  He comes home to me right after work and we are excited to see each other and spend time together.  So it’s hard for me to pull back and risk being unsure and miserable.  Am I wrong?  Is this not healthy?”

I’m not a therapist or specialist, but I’ve known some couples who experienced what you have described.  (And honestly, one of them is still together and another is not.) But here is my opinion on this.  If you are having a good experience, feeling close to your spouse, and feel that the sex is having a positive impact, then I truly don’t see the harm.  As long as you are both willing participants who aren’t being manipulated, you are married adults who don’t need anyone’s permission to have sex. Below, I’ll discuss my theory on why the sex can be good, even after an affair.

Reasons For Good Sex Post-Affair:  I find it so interesting and telling that you said that the great sex started right in the middle of a heated argument.  This is common.  The high emotions and drama of a fight give way to wanting to have an outlet for those emotions.  Sometimes, the affair actually sort of gives your marriage a shot in the arm. It may have been a while since you’ve felt that sort of very high emotion in relationship to your husband or your marriage.

Plus, the affair makes you realize that your marriage and your life as you know it are vulnerable, so of course everything related to it is magnified as a result.  And this includes sex.  You feel more deeply.  You are more willing to try new things.  There is heightened excitement because of this.  This process can be completely normal.  It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you, that you have low self esteem, or that you condone the affair.  Your sex life is not anyone else’s business and if you are feeling good about it, then I don’t think there’s any reason to worry about what your friends think.  It is your marriage, not theirs.

But Is It Healthy?: There might be a concern if you felt pressured to have sex because you felt afraid that he would continue to cheat if you didn’t.  Another concern would be if you are using sex to gloss over the issues that preceded the affair.  If you spend all of time in the bedroom and communicating physically, then you may not be communicating verbally and addressing the emotional issues.

I’m honestly glad that sex isn’t an issue because that is one less thing that you have to worry it, but I think you want to be careful that you’re not allowing all of this fun and excitement to misdirect you away from any issues that need to be addressed.  Because unaddressed issues have a way or cropping up again and causing additional damage later on.  And no one wants that when it can be avoided.

Addressing the issues doesn’t have to mean that you pull back from your sex life.  You can continue on while just scheduling some time each week to talk about things.  Some counselors worry that this “rebound sex life” as some call it is escapism.  Only you can evaluate if you are using it in that way.  But honestly, if everyone feels comfortable and you’re having the discussions you need to have and putting safeguards in place to keep infidelity from happening again, then I say take your happiness and pleasure where you get it.  And be grateful that sex is not one of the issues.

I admit that sex was kind of weird after my husband’s affair.  I did hold back until I was more than sure that I could resume it with enthusiasm.  Once I made that decision, I really wanted to boost my sexual confidence.  This felt a little odd at first, but it was one of the best things I did during my recovery. There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Back before there was all of this technology, none of us would have known what a “Facebook war” or a “texting war” was.  But when you find out that your husband has had an affair and you unleash your wrath on the other woman or mistress, you sometimes wish that you had never opened that can of worms or that you were still innocent about these types of “wars.”

Many people try to communicate with the other woman in the hopes that she will apologize or bow out gracefully.  This is rarely the case.  Today, it is not considered as socially unacceptable to be a mistress.  Look at all of the celebrities who got their husbands by cheating.  These couples are almost celebrated. So some “other women” are not really ashamed at all.  In fact, if you approach them with animosity or anger, they will come right back at you. And at that point, you might wonder how, or if, to stop the madness.

A wife might say: “honestly, I really wanted to have it out with the other woman face to face.  But every one told me that this was a bad idea, so I figured that I would text her instead.  This way, I could have my say but I figured that I could have control over this situation, especially if it was done via the written word.  I figured that I could just turn my phone off or ignore her if things got out of hand.  And I really wanted her to stop trying to contact my husband and to be sorry for what she did. Well, it turns out that I can’t just turn it off as easily as I thought.  She will say such nasty and awful things to me.  She will text me repeatedly throughout the day.  I have had to put my phone on vibrate.  Sometimes, she sends me picture of them together.  When she does this, I can’t help myself. I text her back and then the whole thing starts up all over again.  She has taken to posting on Facebook and messaging me constantly.  It’s as if she is determined that I can’t have a moment’s peace.  When I tell her that this needs to stop, she tells me that I am the one who started it. I find that it is almost like she feels justified in her horrific behavior and harassment because I am the one who started it.  Believe me, I wish that I had not started it.  And I don’t want to back down from her.  But this is taking a huge toll on me.”

I can imagine that it would.  As if there is not enough to process and deal with after an affair, you are now having to deal with this harassment.  Yes, it is unfortunate that you are the one who initiated the contact.  But now I think you have to be the one to end it.  Someone has to be an adult here.  And frankly, this is back and forth is doing nothing for your healing or in helping you to move on.  It is doing nothing but aggravating you and keeping you stuck.  And as long as you keep it going, she may feel justified in continuing on with it also.

You don’t mention what is happening with your marriage, but if you have any interest in saving it, continuing contact is the worst thing that you can do.  If you are trying to save your marriage, your goal is to get her out of your life and then to move on.  (This can be the goal even if you don’t care about your marriage, in fact.)  The text wars are keeping you from being able to do just that.

I would honestly tell her that you are not engaging anymore and then I would contact my carrier and have them block her phone number.  Yes, this will take some discipline and you may feel that it is keeping you from having the last word.  But honestly, your putting a stop to this is the last word.  I also think that it is possible to block and not view people on Facebook, also.  If she harasses you from a new number, block that one, too.

I think it’s wise to do whatever is necessary to keep her out of your life.  Sure, you started it, but she seems to feed off of it and enjoys keeping it going.  So don’t give her anything to work with anymore.  Shut her down.  Refuse to engage.  As we all know, texting can be addicting if there is a back and forth.  So don’t allow her to have that.  Once she is only engaging with herself, the whole thing will likely get old pretty quickly.

After this, turn your attention to where it belongs – on yourself and on your own healing.  She has no place in your life.  Don’t continue to let her in.  It will only cause more aggravation and prolong how long it takes to move on.

I admit that I was tempted to engage with the other woman.  But if I’m being honest, I hate conflict.  And I also knew that it would do no good and would likely give me mental images and aggravations that were impossible to erase.  Some days, it was so tempting to just give in.  But now that my marriage is reconciled and we are quite solid, I’m glad I didn’t give her any way into my life.   There’s more about my thought process during recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many husbands who are caught having an affair will exhibit some anger.  Many actually turn their anger on their wives.  They are embarrassed and humiliated by being caught and so they will act and indignant and lash out.  However, some husbands will go to the other extreme – they will be angry, alright.  But at themselves.  At first glance, you would think that their anger at themselves would be a good thing.  And it can be – at least initially.  But many husbands take this too far.  Their anger at themselves can sort of paralyze them and leave them unreceptive to doing anything that might help to get them out of the mess.

Here’s an example of how a wife might explain it: “when I caught my husband cheating, he literally started banging his head against the wall.  I had to stop him to keep him from hurting himself.  Then he starting hitting himself on the top of his head with his hands.  I stopped him on that day, but every day since, he is on edge.  He tells me that he hates himself.  He says that he is deplorable person.  He told my mother that I would be better off if I divorced him because I deserve better than him and then he started sobbing.  As weird as it might sound, I do want to save my marriage.  But my husband turns around everything that I say.  No matter what the topic of conversation is, he will bring it back to how he is a ‘no good s.o.b.’ and then I’m left not knowing what to say.  The only thing really to say is ‘no, you’re not a bad person.’  At the same time, though, I am still angry.  And I don’t want to be in a position where I’m trying to get him to come around.  Because I almost feel as if the roles should be reversed. Last night, he was sitting in the dark and crying.  I asked him what was wrong and his answer was ‘I hate myself.’  He’s always angry.  He snaps at the kids and he has never done this before.  He gets short with me, but then he backs down.  But his anger at himself bleeds into the rest of our lives and I’m not sure how to handle it.”

You’re already touched on one of the biggest challenges with this.  You’re mad at him and you want him to be sorry and to deeply feel his mistake.  But when he postures with this self-hatred, he puts you in a position where you’re almost building him up when he doesn’t necessarily deserve that, at least right now.

Potential Depression Is Never Something That You Should Ignore: Some of the behaviors you are seeing could be symptoms of depression.  And a man who is depressed or has low self esteem is more likely to cheat, could be suffering greatly, and is not a joy to live with.  So depression could well have been a risk factor all along.  That’s why, as mad as you are at him, it would help every one if he would work on himself and try to raise his self-worth.  And as much as you might like to help, it really is self-work.  Frankly, a therapist or some very targeted self help are probably going to be the most effective and necessary.  Mental health and depression are things that require very targeted attention. Most of us are not objective or qualified enough to help our spouse.  And the added benefit of having a third party helping him his with his anger and his self esteem is that you are not having to walk the tight rope of being the one who is having to build him up while also being the one who is angry.

Him Becoming Stronger Only Benefits You And Your Marriage: If you do want to save your marriage, his working on his self-worth will only benefit you.  Honestly, your marriage will be stronger when you are dealing with two mentally healthy people who aren’t going through life feeling flawed and like they do not deserve happiness.

Hopefully, self work can make your husband understand that the best way to make himself less hate-worthy is to become the man he wants to be and to become the husband that you deserve.  That is the only way to make this right.  If he doesn’t try to do that, then he remains the flawed individual who is full of self-loathing and who remains angry.

Neither of you can change the affair.  But what you can change is what happens moving forward.  It’s going to be quite a challenge if he continues on angry and full of self-wrath.  And, depression is nothing to play around with.  It is better to be safe than sorry in this regard.  I can not stress how important it is to get him some help – regardless of what happens with your marriage.  Because you are BOTH suffering as a result of what he is going through.  And you will BOTH benefit if he gets some help and starts to see things a little differently.  Once he does, he will likely be more effective with rehabilitation, which is an added bonus.

My husband was miserable all of the way around after his affair.  Counseling did help us both and we also did some self-work, which provided benefits even outside of our marriage.  I can’t over stress the importance of this.   There’s more about our recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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