Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It’s not unusual for a husband to severely downplay his cheating once he is caught. He may try to act like it is not a huge deal. He may try to act as if it is justified. And he may posture and act indignant and aloof, in the hopes that you will no have high expectations from him (as far as remorse and rehabilitation goes, anyway.) Because let’s face it. Human nature dictates that most people want to take as little responsibility for their actions as is possible. Even when you feel guilty and know that it is all your fault, it is human nature to want to gloss over it quickly and just move on.  It’s natural to want to minimize the pain and the embarrassment.

To that end, many husbands will initially try to downplay what a huge mistake the affair truly was. They act as if they just do not understand why their wife is so very upset. Their wife will go on an on about what a big, life and marriage-altering mistake that has been made, and the husband will tell her that she is being overly-dramatic. Many wives refuse to back down from this, however. And typically, over time, the husband will make some concessions. But it’s rare that a husband that starts out being in denial or being indignant won’t still try to posture or rush the process a little bit.

A wife might say: “when I first caught my husband cheating, he acted as if this were the sort of thing that happened everyday. He didn’t even really get upset by it and he acted as if he were shocked at my surprise. He says that I was well aware that we weren’t having enough sex. He said that I knew that he would never leave me and our children. He said that he would stop. But he certainly wasn’t overly apologetic. This infuriated me and I kicked him out of our bedroom and limited my contact with him while I tried to figure out what I wanted to do. We did not have much to do with one another for about a month. Then one night, one of our children had a special event we had to attend. We put on happy faces for the sake of our children and we actually got along pretty well that evening. After we put our kids to bed, my husband asked how long I was going to continue to chill him out. I told him that I hadn’t made a decision about that, but that I didn’t really want to interact with a man who wouldn’t even admit that he made a mistake. At that point, he muttered ‘oh, I’m well aware that I made a mistake. I know that I was wrong.’ I was happy to hear that. So I asked him if he was sorry. He said that he was. I patted his back and kissed him on the cheek because I had been waiting for these things. I hoped that the next day, things would look brighter, but my husband acts as if because he’s admitted a mistake, that is all that is required. He asked when he could move back into the bedroom. I told him that we are a long way from that. He acts as if I am being petty. How can I make him see that just admitting the mistake is not enough?”

Spelling It Out For Him: Your actions usually speak louder than your words. As you continue to hold him at arm’s length, he may well get the hint. If you would like to speed this along, it’s sometimes helpful to spell things out. That way, your expectations are clear and your husband can’t say that you didn’t tell him exactly what you needed. So, you might try a dialog like: “I know that we recently talked about how the affair was a mistake. I am glad that you finally understand and have admitted that. It’s a first step that needed to be taken. But it is only the first step. Because the mistake has damaged our marriage and has required that it be rebuilt. I can’t fully participate in our marriage if I can not trust and feel safe with my emotions and with my commitment. There is still plenty of work to be done. I think that we need a plan regarding how we are going to get our marriage back. Because it is not going to just magically happen on its own. Your admission has started us in the right direction. But it is not enough. We need to rehabilitate our marriage. Not doing so is cheating us both.”

Allow An Expert To Back You Up: I strongly suggest that you bring an objective third-party expert into the mix. Why? Because sometimes, a husband needs someone who is not his wife to show him that his expectations are just not realistic or fair. But when this is coming from you, he thinks that it is only because you are angry or have your own agenda. But when it comes from a counselor or from self-help (where your husband can literally read or watch it) then it seems more objective and valid to him. Sometimes, he just needs someone else to tell him that he needs rehabilitation before he can expect you to move on.

My husband tried to downplay his affair also.  I had to make it clear that just a pat apology wasn’t going to cut it.  And I made sure that he heard the same message from others so that he knew that I was not just spouting off my own agenda. Once it was clear that I was going to accept nothing less than full rehabilitation, he got with the program.  There’s more  on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s often assumed that a husband who cheats on his wife ultimately does not want to be married anymore.  This is especially true if the husband cheats more than once.  People assume that a man who can be classified as a multiple or serial cheater is a man who, is his own passive – aggressive way, is trying very hard to get rid of his wife or of his marriage.

And yet, I think that people would be quite surprised if they knew how many of these men indicate that they love their wives more than anything.  Many of them are desperate to keep their marriages.  I hear from some of them.  And they are looking for tips on how to convince their wives not to leave them.  Most have promised themselves that they won’t cheat again. And yet sometimes, they do.

There are several questions here.  Why do they even want to stay with their wives when they have shown that they can not be faithful? And why do they keep cheating if they are so in love with their wives?

One of these wives might ask these questions in this way: “this is the third time that I have caught my husband cheating on me.  I will admit that in this instance, more time had gone between the cheating.  This time, he actually made it six years before he cheated again. In those six years, I was stupid enough to trust him again.  I thought that we had finally gotten past it. Because quite frankly, we almost divorced after the first two times.  But my husband was so pitiful, begging me not to leave him.  Honestly, I think that we were happy in those six years.  And as soon as I found out this time, he dropped the other woman like a hot potato, which is why I don’t understand why he would even cheat. I told him that honestly, we should just get divorced because I can not continue to be with a man who will not be faithful to me.  But now he’s lost 15 pounds.  He won’t eat.  And he claims he is not sleeping.  I just don’t get it.  He doesn’t love me enough to be faithful apparently, but he acts as if it would be the worst thing in the world to let me go.  I love him. I truly do.  But I can’t keep dealing with the cheating. Do men like this ever change?”

A Man Has To Be Very Motivated To Change: I believe that they do.  But from my observation, it takes ALOT of work and determination to break the trend. The man has to be willing to take an honest look at any and all contributing factors and vulnerabilities. And this can be painful.  Because very often, repeat cheaters are running from their feelings and from their issues.  They use cheating as a way to “numb” what they are dealing with.

In order to be rehabilitated, a man has to be willing to change his lifestyle, put safeguards in place, and perhaps change his belief system (because repeat – cheating can sometimes stem from cultural, family, or employment beliefs or cultures.)  He has to be willing to constantly be held accountable and to endure a good bit of scrutiny for quite a long time before he is able to rebuild the trust.  Of course, in this case, your husband already knows this, as it sounds like he worked hard to rebuild the trust for six years and then somehow, he managed to slip back into old habits.

What Contributes To Repeat Cheating: Often, contributing factors to this are a lack of impulse control and the lack of foresight / discipline to not allow yourself to get into a familiar situation.  It isn’t that these men don’t love their wives.  It’s that they get themselves in a situation where they act before they think it through.  As a result, they are stuck again.  Men can learn to change this dynamic.  But they have to be willing to do so.  And they have to be willing to endure some scrutiny and analysis in order to uncover why they keep ending up at the same place.

Trying Something More Effective When The Old Methods Aren’t Working: It wasn’t mentioned if there had been counseling.  If not, I would highly suggest it or some very targeted self help.  Running into the same problem three times is indicative of something that is very hard to overcome without help.  Getting very targeted help could provide insights and safeguards that have not been established before.

Because if nothing else is clear, let it now be clear that the old method, whatever it was, hadn’t completely worked.  It should also be clear that your husband isn’t looking to get out of your marriage.  So if you want to stay and he also wants to stay, doesn’t it make sense to do whatever is necessary this time around?  The men who I’ve heard from say they don’t want a divorce.  And they insist that they do want to change and don’t completely understand why they keep cheating.  But perhaps if they had some help to decode this and to establish some safeguards, the suffering would not have to continue.  But he has to be willing to accept the help and do whatever is asked of him to forge a new path.  (If he’s not willing, he is just prolonging everyone’s pain and that’s not fair.)   Often, the wife can also benefit from this help because she can learn how to  support herself through this process.

I am not going to tell you that rehabilitation is always fun.  People think it is hard on the cheating husband and it is.  But it is not always a picnic for the wife, either.  However, without it, you risk ending up at the same place. I came to realize that serious rehabilitation was the cost of saving my marriage.  And I have never regretted that.   There’s more about our rehabilitation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  When you first find out that your spouse has been cheating on you, an apology is expected – to say the least.  But after a while, you can begin to grow tired of all of these apologies.  It can start to feel like the same old thing over and over again.  And you can start to realize that it is only words. And anyone can mutter words.  You can start to believe that your husband thinks that all he has to do is say that he is sorry and then you will just let him off the hook.  It’s an understatement to say that most wives feel that sorry just isn’t good enough.  In fact, sometimes apologies just become downright irritating.

A wife might explain: “some of my friends actually tell me that I am lucky that my husband is basically falling over himself to apologize to me again and again for cheating.  The first words out of his mouth when I caught him was ‘oh my God, I am so very sorry.  You will never know how sorry I am.’  Well, apparently he WANTS me to know how sorry he is because he tells me every single day. Multiple times.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am glad that he is sorry. And I am glad that he doesn’t hesitate to let me know.  I am even glad that he is thinking about this so often.  I don’t want him to get complacent.  I don’t want him to relax and think that he doesn’t have to be conscious of this.  But I get so sick of his whiny voice telling me that he’s sorry.  Because every time he repeats this over and over, I have to be reminded of this horrible thing that he did.  Why does he keep repeating himself? Frankly, I don’t want his sorrow.  I want for this never to have happened in the first place.  And I can thank him that this isn’t possible.”

I can tell you my theory on this.  And it’s only a theory.  Because I’m not a man who has cheated.  But I believe that they repeat this because they want to make absolutely sure that you believe that they are sincere in their remorse.  Also, they know that they can not change things.  They know that they can not erase the affair.  They can’t give you a reality in which this never happened.  So they think that they will give you what they can – their genuine sorrow.

Getting Real Action Instead Of Repetitive Words: I know that it can feel as if sorry just doesn’t cut it anymore.  And there is a level beyond sorry.  And that is action.  Yes, it’s good that your husband is sorry.  But words are only that.  And they mean nothing unless they lead to action.

I understand that you’re getting tired of the same, boring words.  And there is nothing wrong with trying to redirect your husband.  The next time he tries to apologize yet again, you might try something like: “I hear you.  I am glad that you are sorry and I appreciate that you want to tell me how you feel.  But I’m worried that we are going to get stuck on the ‘I’m sorry’ tract.  I want to move forward and we need more than words to do that.  Because words are a great start, but it is not words that are going to heal us.  I’d like for us to go to counseling or get some help that is going to guide us toward what we need to do in order to move past this.  Because what I really want is for it to eventually feel like this is in the past.  I know that we can’t turn back time so that this never happened.  But moving past it is the next best thing.  I don’t want to relive this every day.  But I don’t want to just forget about it either.  I want to heal it.”

Moving Apologies Toward The Bottom Line: With these words, you have taken the ‘I’m sorry”s a little bit further and you are closer to getting what you actually want.  I think that one of the major reasons that we get so frustrated with the apologies is that they do not really give us anything.  They’re nice, of course.  But they do nothing for our bottom line.  That is why it’s advisable to use them only as a stepping stone or a springboard toward the next step. As an added bonus, if he has way to channel his sorrow, he may not feel as compelled to keep repeating himself.

Right now, he’s likely desperately trying to express how he feels, but he’s not being very successful.  Because of this, he continues to try.  And as a result, the whole thing is repetitive.  Moving forward will take away some of this helplessness so that repeating himself won’t be as necessary.

I too got pretty tired of my husband’s apologies pretty quickly.  And looking back, if that was all I had, I am not sure we would still be married today.  We needed help and guidance about what to do with all of that sorrow. There’s more about the process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Although there is a perception that a marriage can completely fall apart immediately after an affair is discovered, this is not always the case.  Sometimes, the cheating spouse is so overcome with guilt, emotion and remorse, that the faithful spouse just can not help but feel a little empathy.  It can be overwhelming to see your spouse on their knees, crying, and begging for your forgiveness. And so sometimes, you don’t become as angry as you might have otherwise assumed.

Sometimes, couples take on an “us versus them” mentality and they actually band together quite quickly.  This can be surprising and it can feel like a relief.  But unfortunately, it does not always last.  Sometimes, these early days of cooperation can give the couple a bit of a false sense of security.  They can think that everything is humming along nicely when all of a sudden they begin fighting and they aren’t quite sure why.

A wife might say: “I know that this is going to sound weird.  But when my husband began crying and confessed that he had been cheating, I kind of understood it.  I was very disappointed and I was sad.  But I could also tell how sorry he was. He cheated with his home-health nurse.  He’s been very ill and under a lot of stress.  I like this woman.  She was there for him every day. And she is very compassionate.  I honestly see how it could have happened.  When my husband confessed, everything that he had been holding back about his illness came spilling out.  He told me how hard his illness was and how hard it was for him to appear vulnerable and weak around me.  He told me that he honestly doesn’t know what he will do if I abandon him and he cried and cried about how much he loved me.  He had already arranged a new nurse – even though the old one was really quite competent.  I don’t want to say that I just let my husband get away with this.  I was angry at him.  But I could not help but feel some compassion. I understand why he’s hurting so badly and how things would progress between them as caregiver and patient.  So honestly, we did pretty well in the months after the affair.  I took on more of a caregiving role and we talked like we hadn’t in years.  My husband shared more with me – which we needed.  But for the last several weeks, we have been fighting.  Everything he does annoys me.  And when I begin to get frustrated, he gets sarcastic.  Honestly, he is doing better physically.  So things should be improving.  This is what we’ve been waiting for.  But now we’re fighting and I feel like we are regressing.  Why?”

Unexpressed Feelings Generally Have A Way Of Coming Out: I am not a therapist, but I think that I can suggest some possibilities.  I think that it’s possible that you held back on your anger in the beginning because you were touched by your husband’s vulnerability and did not want to add to his burden when he was ill.  Plus, you likely knew that he was genuinely remorseful and may not have ever cheated had he not had the stressor of being sick.  This is understandable.

But none of this means that, although you may understand WHY it happened, that you are not angry or disappointed that it DID happen.  Regardless of your understanding or intention, it is just human nature to experience feelings of anger and disappointment as you begin to process the fact that your husband truly did have an intimate relationship with someone else.  No matter how understanding or progressive you are, this hurts.  And it can make you angry.  And that anger is going to eventually manifest itself somewhere.

Plus, even though your husband allowed himself to be vulnerable and is feeling better, it still weighs on you to deal with a chronic illness.  It takes some time before you are yourself again.  And the issues that may have lead to the affair may still remain – at least somewhat.

Getting Help For The Last Bit Of Healing: I applaud you for hanging in there and for standing by him.  But I think that you probably deserve some help to fully heal.  No one can be expected to just carry on as if nothing happened.  Getting professional (or even self help) is always a good idea.  It’s very difficult to heal without at least some direction and guidance simply because you are too close to this.  You can not be objective.  And very few of us are marital or infidelity experts. Most of us would never try to fix our own car.  Most of us don’t know how and too much is at stake. But we think nothing of trying to fix our marriage (even though we still don’t know how and there is still so much at stake.)

Getting help doesn’t mean that you don’t love your husband or that you are failing. It just means that you realize that you deserve the best marriage that you can put together.  Even if you don’t like the idea of counseling, self help is readily available.

I understand wanting to keep things private, trying to fix this alone, or just hoping that time will heal the wounds. I tried that initially also.  But ultimately, I wasn’t happy with the progress that we were making.  And making healing my biggest priority was one of the best decisions I ever made.  Because now I have a marriage that is closer to the one I wanted. There’s more about this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  When you find out that your husband has been cheating on you, frankly, you can use all of the support that you can get.  I don’t always think it’s a great idea to tell a bunch of people about the affair, but it’s natural to want people to be outraged and angry on your behalf.

However, when the very people who you’d normally turn to for support turn against you, it hurts. And it can leave you wondering if this whole thing is your fault after all. A wife might admit: “I am stunned that my husband’s family are not only not angry with him for cheating on me, they act as if I almost deserved it.  Now, I admit that I am the one who brought it up at a family dinner.  And that was bad timing and inappropriate of me.  I knew that I was too upset to get through the dinner as though nothing happened, so I really should have canceled.  But I didn’t.  And I just blurted everything out.  My husband’s daughter responded by saying: ‘well, cheating is never a great thing to do to someone, but I can understand why he did it.  You aren’t good to him, you’re downright mean to him sometimes.  And a person can only take so much.’  Then his mother piped in with: ‘you really do not bring much to the table and you bring him down.   You can’t blame him for turning elsewhere.’  I honestly did not know what to say, so I left the table before I said something that I would regret.  I admit that I am not always a joy to be around lately.  I have been struggling emotionally and sometimes, I do lash out at my husband. I know that I do this out of insecurity, because I am afraid to lose him.  But I never thought that he would cheat on me.  He’s saying that we can work it out and that he hopes I can get help for my abrasive attitude.  I told him that I was willing to do this, but the comments by his family have given me pause.  I find myself wondering if everyone feels this way about me.  (And whether my husband shares their feelings.) Then I think that if we do manage to fix our marriage, will I always have to deal with his family members’ smug looks and comments?  It seems that I am in a no win situation. And it hurts.  I feel doubly wounded.”

I’m sorry that this has happened to you.  I know that this is hurtful and this sort of situation is a major reason that I don’t advocate inviting other people to give their opinions.  Sometimes, people don’t think before they speak.  Although the comments were very hurtful, you have to keep things in perspective.  And you have to ask yourself how much this all really matters.

Because what makes up the bottom line in regards to your own marriage really is the opinions of two people – yourself and your husband.  The rest of the world does not matter in the end.  And this is not the rest of the world’s business.

If you and your husband both want to save your marriage, then what is most important is taking an honest look at yourself and your marriage and fixing what are legitimate complaints.  You can ask yourself if what they are saying has any truth and then you can make the choice to move on.

Because if you indeed need to change some things about how you treat your husband, well then that’s a vital thing to know.  Nothing says you can’t use this to your advantage and make those changes, but beyond that, your husband’s family do not get a say regarding his marriage.

I know that it’s tempting to look at their opinions and to think that because of people’s perceptions about you, then your marriage doesn’t stand a chance.  Never forget that people have their own agendas and sometimes, when they say hurtful things, this has as much to do with them than it does to do with you.  Perhaps your husband’s daughter still wants her parents together. Perhaps his mother prefers his first wife.  There could be reasons (other than you or your marriage) for these mean comments.

And in the end, so long as your husband becomes happy with his marriage to you, it doesn’t make a hill of beans what other people think.  So as hard as it may be, you truly have to edit out the opinions of others.  What they say or think does not matter.  Take whatever validity their words may have and leave the rest behind.

Going forward, you may have to lay out new boundaries.  If you want to do this you could try: “well I hear and appreciate your opinions, but my marriage is really my own concern and no one else’s.  I’m happy to discuss other things with you, but moving forward, my marriage is not going to be a topic of conversation and it’s going to be off limits.  We’re all too close to it to be objective and we will have to find other things to discuss that are not so hurtful and personal.”

If you think it would be more effective for your husband to have this conversation with them, then ask him to do it.  But don’t spend too much time dwelling on them.  It’s not worth it.  And your attention should be turned toward your husband and your marriage, if your goal is to save it moving forward.

I made the mistake of confiding in a few people who just could not keep their opinions to themselves after my husband’s affair.  It hurt and it slowed my progress because it made me doubt myself.  For a while, I had to limit my contact with these hurtful people until I gained a little more confidence.  I decided not to give them anymore power over me and I’ve never regretted that. You can read more about how I handled things like this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When you find out that your husband has been cheating, your first agenda is usually to make sure that it is over. Most wives realize that before they can even give their marriage (or what is to become of it) any real thought, they have to know that the other woman is completely out of their husband’s life.

If this isn’t the case or if the husband isn’t willing to end the affair, this greatly complicates matters. It can be quite a challenge to save your marriage when the affair is very obviously over and both people are working very hard to save it.  But when the opposite is true, it is even more difficult.

So when your husband won’t end the affair at once, it’s natural to think that your marriage might be over. And some wives act on this and file for divorce. Of course, a great irony is when the wife files and then all of a sudden her husband ends the affair. Some wives will think that this is too little too late. And others will wonder where to go from here.

Here’s a classic example. A wife might say: “when I found out about my husband’s affair, his first words to me were ‘please don’t break up our family over this.’ And my first words were: ‘you need to end it right now.’ Because he seemed to want to keep our family in tact, I assumed that he would have no problems breaking it off. But he kept telling me that he needed just a little more time. Weeks went by and he was still in contact with her, although he swore that he wasn’t physically seeing her. I kept asking him when it was going to be over for good and he kept up his old ‘I need more time’ plea. I got sick of this and I filed for divorce. The day after I filed, I was astounded to get a call for the other woman. She was very angry. She sarcastically said she wanted to thank me for taking away the one man she has ever loved. I told her that I didn’t take anything away from her, that I was divorcing my husband, and that she was welcome to him. She told me that he wouldn’t have anything to do with her now because after my husband saw that I’d filed, he realized that he needed to do whatever he could to get me back. I am torn about this. I wanted him to end it so badly weeks ago and he would not. Now I worry that it is just too late. I have too much anger. I didn’t necessarily want to file for divorce. But I feel like he gave me no choice. And I’m not sure that I could ever be open to him or my marriage after this. His not breaking it off right away was very telling. It makes me think that he didn’t prioritize me enough. Some of my friends say that I might regret it if I don’t see if we can’t work it out before I move forward with the divorce. I don’t know about this. I would have wanted it to work a couple of weeks ago, but now I do not know if I can put aside my anger. What should I do?”

I can not answer that question for you. Only you can do that. I can tell you that I do regret some of the decisions that I made in anger after my husband’s affair. Many of them were harsh, cruel, and very different from the way that I normally like to handle things.

That said, no one could blame you for divorcing a spouse who has cheated on you. In fact, I feel that you have every right to make this decision based on how YOU feel without worrying about every one else’s opinions. But I would want to be sure that you’ve given yourself enough time to evaluate your true feelings. And it is possible that your true feelings were clouded by the rejection you felt with him not breaking it off. It’s possible that your decision might have been different if you did not feel rejected.

Should this matter? Only you can decide. I’m certainly not an attorney and I can’t give you legal advice. But a suggestion might be asking your attorney if you can pause the divorce while not retracting all of your paperwork. You don’t even need to tell your husband that you are doing this if you don’t want to. But this would buy some more time to evaluate your feelings so that you don’t feel like you’re rushing what is a very important decision.

I’d also suggest counseling. You could go alone if you’re not ready to go with your husband. But the counselor could probably give you insight and support you in making this decision. If you ultimately do decide to divorce, the counselor could help you to make sure that it’s a healthy one.

This way, you will know that you didn’t make a rash decision based on anger or feeling rejected. You will know that you sought a professional opinion when so much was at stake. And, if you ultimately do pursue a divorce, you can do so with a clear conscience. Likewise if you do end up saving your marriage, you will feel relief that you didn’t rush. Either way, you might feel more peace by giving this very careful consideration and time.

Divorce did cross my mind after my husband’s affair.  Ultimately, my kids meant that I needed to make a very careful decision.  Because our marriage recovered and we are happy today, I’m very glad that I didn’t divorce.  But that decision is not going to be right for every wife.  You have to decide what is best for you.  It is no one else’s decision.  You can read more about my own journey at at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Comments Off on He Ended The Affair Once I Filed For Divorce. Now I Feel Like It’s Not Only Ironic, But It Might Be Too Late

By: Katie Lersch: Wives who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair have more than enough to deal with, including themselves, their husbands, and their household.  Unfortunately though, the truth has a way of crossing the threshold of your home. And eventually, other people can learn about the affair and have their own opinions about it.  This can cause additional stress – especially when you want to save your marriage, only to find that those who you love oppose this.

Here’s a typical scenario.  A wife might say: “I have always been very close with my parents.  They have always liked my husband.  They live down the street from us.  Our children stay with my parents after school.  We go over there for Sunday dinner every week.  I did not tell them about my husband’s affair.  But they found out anyway.  My husband told his sister and his nosey sister in turn told my parents.  My mother called me and announced that she hoped that I was going to kick my husband out.  I told her that things were too raw for me to make any decisions.  A couple of weeks later, I decided that I wanted to at least try to save my marriage — if for nothing else, then for the sake of my kids.  When I told my mother about this, she had nothing to say.  She was so silent that I thought that she might have hung up the phone. I asked her if she was still there and her response was: ‘I am speechless.  I can’t believe that you would allow him to treat you that way and stay. I can’t support this decision.  I think that you are being very stupid and are not showing enough respect for yourself.  Do you really want your children to grow up with a cheater for a father? How could you have so little respect for yourself that you would allow this?’  I was so upset that I told my mother I had to go and I abruptly got off of the phone.  But now, I am reflecting on this and I am very upset.  What my parents don’t know is that my husband has promised to never cheat again and to immediately go into counseling. They would not even let me explain that we have a plan in place to heal all of this.  I would not stay if we didn’t.  And my husband is always going to be my children’s father, regardless of any decision that I make. My parents have always been a great source of support to me emotionally and financially and I am afraid that they will remove that support.  It hurts me that they won’t support me.  How can I address this?”

Just For A Minute, Try To Put Yourself In Your Family’s Shoes: I can imagine how much this hurts.  I think that the first thing that you want to do is to understand why you might be seeing this behavior.  I know that it doesn’t feel like it right now, but your parents are likely acting out of love for you, even if it is misplaced.  Imagine how you would feel if your own child were going through this.  Imagine that one of your children was hurt by infidelity.  Most people would feel very protective of any child in that situation.  It’s natural and human nature.

At the same time, it would deeply hurt that child if you were to act indignant and angry instead of supportive.  The child might think that you were mad or disappointed in them, even though they were not the unfaithful party.  Ultimately, it’s important to be able to support without judgement and pressure.

Know That Time And Proof May Change Things: Your parents may be able to let this go in time.  Right now, it is all very raw.  They are shocked in the same way that you likely were.  They likely need some time also.  In the same way that your husband is going to have to prove himself over and over again to you, the same is likely true of your parents.  If, time and time again, he shows himself to be a rehabilitated and caring husband, they will likely come around. But it is going to take time.

When things calm down, you might try to have an open conversation with them that goes something like: “mom, I know that you are outraged on my behalf and I am touched by that.  I know that you are concerned about the kids and I am also.  I do not want for my kids to grow up in a broken or single family home. That is why I want to see if we can make it work.  We are going to go to counseling and we just have to wait and see if that will help.  I feel that I owe it to my children to try and make this work.  If I can’t, then at least I know that I have tried.  I know that it will take a long time before you trust my husband again.  But I would like for you at least give him the chance to prove to you that he can be rehabilitated.  I know that you may not be able to support him right away. But I am asking you to support me.  I am doing what I think is best for my family.  And I am asking you to respect that.  I need your support right now.  I don’t need judgements or shame.  I am doing the best that I can in a very difficult situation.  I know it’s hard for you to watch me being hurt.  But having your support would help me with that.  Can I count on you?”

When you phrase it this way, most parents will rise to the occasion and support their child.  It is hard for a parent to watch their child be hurt.  But most parents can eventually put this aside in order to offer their support.  It may be hard for your parents to see your husband in the same way – at least for a little while.  And he will have to accept that he has to prove his worth – in the same way that he must prove it to you.  But in time, it can be done.

There were some judgements from my own family in the aftermath of my husband’s affair.  It wasn’t an easy time for anyone.  However, today, enough time has passed and enough healing has taken place that all of the relationships have been repaired.  It certainly wasn’t easy or quick.  But it did eventually happen. You can read more about how we accomplished this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Comments Off on My Family Is Upset That I’m Staying With The Husband Who Cheated.

By: Katie Lersch:  People sometimes assume that a woman who is cheating with a married man will take what she can get.  What I mean by this is that there is a perception that she has low standards.  After all, she’s having a relationship with a man who is committed to another woman.

Except that the husband might try to convince the other woman that this commitment is in name only.  He might tell her that he and his wife no longer talk or even have sex anymore.  And I find that, in some instances, the sex thing can be very important to the other woman.  For some, it is line in the sand.  Here is an example of the thinking that goes along with this.  She might say: “I really did not want to get involved with the man that I am now dating. Because I’ve known all along that he was married.  And I told him right away that I didn’t like it and that he should call me when he ended his marriage. He told me that it was complicated.  He told me that he couldn’t leave his children now.  But he said he hasn’t had a physical relationship with his wife in over a year.  He said they are roommates and nothing more.  He says he lives in the spare bedroom.  I told some of my friends about this and they said that I am crazy to believe this.  They say that he is likely having sex with both of us.  That’s so unsavory to me.  And if true, I would break it off.  I want him to do something to prove to me that he is not having sex with her.  But short of going over to their house and seeing his stuff in the spare bedroom (which likely isn’t going to happen,)I don’t know how he can prove it to me or how I will know that it’s true.”

I am going to sound like a cynic here and I am sorry for that.  I admit that my opinion is totally biased because of the correspondence that I get and because I see things from the point of view of the faithful spouse. However, the vast majority of the wives who I hear from were ABSOLUTELY having sex with their husband when he cheated.  That is why many of them are so shocked about the affair.

Honestly, your sex life coming to a screeching halt is one sign of an affair.  So, many husbands will actually go out of their way to ensure that their sex life continues on as normal.  In fact, some wives will tell me that their sex life was actually better while the affair was going on.  Why?  Because he is trying to overcompensate so as to not raise suspicions.

I cant’ tell you that there are no cheating husbands who aren’t having sex with their wives.  I am sure that some exist.  But I can tell you that I believe that many men are having sex with both women.   Often, he is living with his family in the same way as always, but he is keeping a secret.  This typically means performing both his fatherly and his husbandly duties.

Of course, I don’t know the man in question.  I am just guessing.  I am just telling you that from my own observations, men are most often continuing to sleep with both women as the affair continues on. He lies to the other woman because he doesn’t want for her to focus on the fact that he’s still participating in his marriage while he is sleeping with two women.  And certainly, you can understand why he doesn’t want to broadcast this.  If either woman knew, he would be in serious trouble and would have to answer to (and take responsibility for) his behavior.

I know that you want to believe that, in a sense, he is being faithful to you.  But, by definition, he isn’t.  He is married.  He is committed to someone else.  You were 100 percent and totally right when you said that he should call you AFTER he ends his marriage.  Because that is the only scenario by which he can be truly faithful to you.  Do you really want to be involved in a man who can’t look at the woman he committed himself to and tell her the truth?  Do you really want to be involved with a man who is actively living with someone else?  Do you want the man in someone else’s family?

Since this bothers you enough that you are searching for solutions, I would say that this is evidence that you deserve better. And instead of trying to find proof that he’s not sleeping with his wife, I have to tell you that the chances are good that he is.  If he ends his marriage, only then can you assume that he is not.  I know that this is not what you wanted to hear, but it is reality.  The affair is proof that there is already deception in the relationship.

My husband was most definitely sleeping with me and fully participating in our marriage and our family during his affair. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Comments Off on The Man I’m Cheating With Claims That He Doesn’t Have Sex With His Wife. How Do I Know If This Is True?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people whose spouse is sure that they are cheating when they are not. Sometimes, the spouse thinks that they have seen or “caught” something, when in fact, what they are seeing is a misunderstanding. However, it can be hard to explain this or to make your spouse believe that nothing inappropriate has happened.

Here is an example. A wife might say: “last week, something so awful happened. And I’m afraid it’s going to ruin my marriage. But I honestly have not done anything wrong. My husband was not home. He is best friends with a guy he has known his whole life. This guy was his next door neighbor growing up. Needless to say, this guy is always at our house. He will come in and help himself to whatever is in the refrigerator. I have always considered him a friend also. Anyway, he came over and my husband was not home. I expected him to leave, but he said he wanted to borrow a tool from my husband and he knew where the tool was in the house. I let him in and then he proceeded to tell me that he had something to confess to me. He told me that he had always had romantic feelings for me that he could not deny anymore. Then he kissed me. I was so stunned. I turned my face away and I most definitely did not kiss him back. I told him that I thought it would be a good idea if he left. He kept talking about how he couldn’t stop thinking about me. After he left, I figured that he must have been drinking. I’ve been alone with him countless times and nothing like this has ever came up. I debated for a long time as to whether to tell my husband. I decided not to for a couple of reasons. First, this guy means so much to my husband. He is like a brother to him. I didn’t want to cause my husband the pain of knowing this guy was willing to betray him. Second, he left when I asked him to and I honestly believe that he was drunk and not completely in control of his actions. So I decided that since nothing happened, to just say nothing and hope that it never happened again. The problem is, the other guy told my husband. But he left out the part about me basically asking him to leave. He apologized to my husband, but told him that he was in love with me. Now, my husband thinks that there is something between the friend and myself. There isn’t. Nothing happened. I did cheat on my husband when we were dating over a decade ago. But I have never cheated on him since we have been married. And I never would. But he is acting like I did. I don’t know what to do. But I’m hurt that he would assume this about me.”

I understand why you are hurt. You are being punished for a crime that you didn’t even commit. But you are likely still being punished for the previous bout of cheating – even if it was so long ago.

Remember how you said that you didn’t tell your husband because you knew how hurt he was going to be? Well, you are seeing that hurt now. And that is why he is acting like he is. I am not saying that he is right. But his emotions are running away from him because he is so hurt to think that this man who is like a brother to him would attempt to cheat with his wife. I don’t know if not telling him about the pass was the right call or not. Your intentions were good, but he’s likely wondering why you kept it from him if you did nothing wrong or if nothing happened.

However, in the days and weeks to come, he might think about this a little more. He may start to wonder when you would have betrayed him. He might start looking at the calendar or checking emails or texts and figure out that there has been no communication between the two of you except when it relates to him. And it’s quite possible that the other man, who doesn’t want to lose your husband’s friendship, will be honest and tell your husband that nothing actually happened and that every inappropriate action was his and his alone.

This may happen without your needing to do anything.  And your husband may realize his mistake and apologize to you.  If this doesn’t happen, I’d continue to calmly repeat the same true story. And I’d ask myself if the relationship truly did heal from the previous bout of cheating. If it didn’t, then it would make sense that your husband would expect the worst now. It’s never too late to finally address the previous cheating if you’ve swept it under the rug. It’s better to finally heal that wound than to let it continue to fester.

Honestly, it’s very common for insecurities from a previous bout of cheating to come back and rear its ugly head when new issues of trust crop up – even if nothing inappropriate happened.  There’s nothing wrong with trying to fix that now.  I still work on these issues in my marriage – just for maintenance – even though the affair is long over.  It’s so important. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Comments Off on My Husband’s Friend Made A Pass At Me. I Didn’t Tell. But The Friend Confessed. Now My Husband Thinks We Are Cheating Or Having An Affair

By: Katie Lersch: Many of the spouses who I hear from are not sure if they want to end their marriages after their spouse has cheated. Many are angry, confused, and hurt, and they realize that it is going to be hard to make a sound decision with so many feelings coming all at once. However, some people suspect right away that they will never be able to restore their marriage. They don’t feel this kind of internal conflict because they can never envision themselves being able to trust their spouse again. So they feel that the best thing to do is to attempt to move on. This doesn’t make every one happy, though. And some of them ask me how much weight they should give the opinion of others – especially their spouse.

Someone might say: “My husband cheated on me. There were extenuating circumstances, but aren’t there always? My husband had been going through a time where he was having medical tests done that could have been catastrophic. If he had gotten bad news, it would have meant a scary and painful future. He ended up getting reassuring news, although he will still have to undergo treatment. He met someone at a support group and they started a relationship. This was before he knew that his health wasn’t as bad as anticipated. I do understand that his health scare made him more vulnerable. And I also understand the other woman would have been appealing to him because he would have felt that she knew what he was going through in a way that no one else could have. However, to me, this doesn’t excuse his behavior. He is still a cheater regardless of why he did it. I have thought about this for a long time. And I have come to the conclusion that I would like to end my marriage and move on with my life. I do not make this decision lightly. I wish that things were different. But I have decided that I will not be able to trust him. And frankly, it is hard for me to support him with his health because every time this topic comes up, all I can think about is that his health caused him to betray me. I hope that everything turns out OK for him, but sometimes my thoughts go to mean places like: ‘well he can let his new girlfriend take care of him because I am so done.’ I have tried to tell him this in a kind way. I simply said that this infidelity is something I will not be able to get over. He says he can not accept this because I made the decision without even trying counseling or other things. He said he could understand my thinking if counseling had failed or if we tried but did not make progress, but he feels I am bailing on him much too quickly. I really don’t know how to deal with him. He could be right, but isn’t it my decision? My parents have made similar comments and it is amazing how I am being made to feel like the bad guy when I am not the one who has cheated.”

I agree with you. It is your decision. You are not the one who put this whole thing into motion. And if your husband had not cheated, it’s probably safe to say that you would still be a supportive spouse invested in helping your husband for the long term. However, it is your right to decide what you can and can not tolerate in your marriage. And it is your right to decide where you stand – considering his behavior.

He is likely acting the way that he is out of regret and out of knowing that he is at fault because he may have ruined a perfectly good thing and betrayed a really good spouse and now he is powerless to change things.

Of course, it makes sense to handle things as gently and with as much compassion as possible. But it truly is your decision as it takes two willing people to save a marriage after infidelity. You would both need to do some work and make some effort to make things right again and this process is hard enough when you are invested.

I did decide to save my own marriage. And there were times when I was unsure if this was in my best interest. But my husband always had the understanding that I offered no guarantees and that I might change my mind at any time. Also, I took my time.  I made it clear that there would be no firm decisions right away.  I wanted to gather information and then gage how I was feeling step by step.  I never made any promises. It was hard for him to deal with my indecision, but he really didn’t have much of a choice and he accepted this.

I would like to make one more point, though. I would suggest some sort of counseling or healing process even if you are ultimately not saving your marriage and even if you ultimately go or act alone. You may not realize how much this affected you. Or you might be telling yourself that since you are choosing to walk away, you can also bypass the healing process.

It’s my observation that it often doesn’t work this way, unfortunately. Because you will often take this shock, this disappointment and this hurt to your next relationship or you may carry this burden with you in your day-to-day life. I only say this because this wasn’t your fault and I hate seeing anyone have to carry this along in life when it is avoidable.

I had a lot of people giving me their opinions about me and about my marriage after my husband’s affair.  After that, I stopped sharing as freely.  And, I was clear on the fact that any decisions were mine alone.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Comments Off on My Spouse Cheated And Is Unhappy That I Want To Move On