Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives who contact me are extremely confused about their husband’s behavior either during or after his affair.  Many don’t understand how their husband can have any type of expectation for his wife when he’s thrown away that privilege by his betrayal.  One example of what I am talking about is a cheating husband who suddenly becomes possessive of his wife.

Here’s a typical scenario.  A wife might say: “it has been five weeks since I found out about my husband’s affair.  My husband is currently at home during the week because his job is far away from his brother’s house.  But on weekends, he is staying with his brother because I am so angry with him that I don’t necessarily want him here.  We barely talk during the week.  Lately, I’ve been trying to go out with friends on my weekends.  I feel lonely being here all by myself.  Last weekend, I was out with coworkers.  There were a few men there, but I wasn’t looking for any romantic encounters.  My husband called me while I was out and he heard some of the men talking in the background.  He became very angry.  He said that ‘his wife’ should not be seen going out with other men.  This enraged me.  He has obviously been going out with another woman.  And he was cheating and I am not.  What a double standard.  I told him that he had no claim whatsoever on me.  He told me that I am still his wife and that it isn’t appropriate for me to be out like this.  I repeated that there was nothing romantic at all about my being out.  I stopped debating this with him because I just didn’t see the point.  But here is what I don’t understand – why would a cheating husband think that his wife belongs to him when he gave up any claim when he cheated?  I just can’t understand that thought process.”

Well, no one can read your husband’s mind, but I can certainly give you some theories.  I hear from a lot of husbands who have been caught cheating.  I believe that your husband may be well aware that he doesn’t necessarily have the right to question who your friends are or who you are out with.

It May Be Wishful Thinking On His Part: Your husband may be just operating under wishful thinking.  He may wish that he had that right and he might be hoping that you will not question him.  Ideally, he may be hoping that you will be able to reconcile and so he doesn’t want you to get in a relationship with someone else before the two of you can work things out.

He May Be Worried About Your Cheating To Get Back At Him: Honestly, a lot of people who have cheated become very paranoid that their spouse is going to “revenge cheat” on them as a form of pay back.  Deep down, they know that they almost deserve this – so they are always on the look out for it.  It may not be that your husband truly believes that he has any right to tell you what to do or who to see, but it could be that he is hoping to not allow any further damage to your marriage before you can try to fix it.

I am not trying to defend your husband.  And I know that you probably have no intention whatsoever of being romantically involved with anyone else right now or to “revenge cheat.”  But he does have a point in that you are still married and that even the appearance of being involved with someone else can cause a whole bunch of problems to an already difficult situation.

Making Things Clear: There is nothing wrong with opening a discussion about this before things get worse and before there are additional misunderstandings.  You might try: “I hear what you are saying, but I think you have some perceptions that aren’t accurate.  I am out with friends of both genders so that I’m not sitting in an empty house.  These are platonic coworkers – although I don’t need to defend myself to you because this is totally innocent. There is nothing romantic about this.  You don’t need to worry about that. And by making this a huge issue, there’s a potential to create problems where none exist.  We have many issues that we are juggling. We don’t need to create more.  I’m offering you reassurance that I am not doing anything wrong. Please don’t continue to try to make feel as if I am.  I am not the one who cheated and I have no intention of doing so in the future.  I think that the best place to put our attention is on our own relationship – and not on my relationship with my platonic co-workers.”

Hopefully, these words will reassure him and he will drop the claims and possessive behavior.  But it’s possible that he is operating under fear.  He’s trying to pull you in because he is afraid of losing you.  Deep down, he knows that his actions have put his marriage at risk. So he’s possibly trying to draw you closer to keep further damage from happening.  What he doesn’t realize, (and will hopefully come to understand,) is that being possessive doesn’t really endear him to you and just creates misunderstandings.

I do understand why you feel defensive.  You did nothing wrong and yet his behavior makes you feel as though you have.  It might help to accept that he is likely acting out of fear.  Misunderstandings can be common in the early days.  I had plenty of them.  And yet, we eventually got through them. You can read more about this process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Would Someone Who Cheats Think His Wife Still Belongs To Him?

By: Katie Lersch:   Much of the time, the people who I hear from are those who are the faithful spouse.  They are not the ones who cheated in their marriage, but they are dealing with a spouse who has.  Sometimes though, I hear from a spouse who is cheating and who is looking for a way out.  They know that the affair is wrong. They know that they are causing damage and are on the cusp of causing a lot of pain.  But they don’t know how to untangle this mess.

Many intuitively know from the very beginning that they must end the affair.  But they soon find out that this is easier said than done.  They want to do it in the right way.  They want to do it in a healthy manner.  And they want it to be final and lasting so that they can move on to more important matters – like saving their marriages.  But they aren’t sure how to make all of this happen simultaneously.

Someone might describe this situation: “I know that I need to end my affair.  But the other man has almost become dependent on me emotionally.  I don’t think that he is going to just accept my ending it.  I think that he will be devastated and will try to talk me out of it.  And I know that we are both going to be hurt.  I have developed quite strong feelings for him.  To be honest, I don’t want to end it.  But I know that I have to and need to end it.  My children are more important to me than anyone else – including the other man.  I know that jeopardizing their family is irresponsible and inexcusable. So I need to end it.  I am trying to make a firm decision about this because I know that my wavering is not going to benefit anyone. When I think about making a firm decision, I feel sad that it is coming to an end and then I want to call or see the other man.  So I worry about my ability to make a decision and carry it out.  How do I make this decision so that it will stick?”

I think that there are a variety of things that you can do.  And I will discuss them below.

To Get Your Resolve Up, Play The “What If” Game And Arm Yourself With Statistics:  I think that you know that this has to end and why it has to end.  But if you need anymore inspiration, imagine that you continue on with the affair.  Imagine that you are caught.  Then imagine your children shuffling between two households and living in broken homes.  Then, look up some statistics on children of divorce.  These statistics are not pretty.  Children of divorce struggle academically, financially, and socially.  If you need anymore inspiration, look up the odds of a relationship that started as an affair lasting for the long term. The odds are extremely bad.  So the risk that you are taking is for something that isn’t likely to work anyway and it could have negative implications for those you love the most – your children.

Set It Up So That You Can’t Help But Succeed:  I hate to compare ending an affair to a diet or to an addiction, but honestly, there are many similarities.  In order to be successful, you have to set yourself up not to fail.  That means you throw out the junk food or whatever you are addicted to and you begin healthier habits.  You make it hard to cheat.  You put safeguards in place and you buy healthy food so you really have no choice but to stay the course.

This relates to an affair because you need to do the same thing here – make it very hard to cheat.  This means you end the affair in a way that makes it very clear that the decision is final and will not be changing.  You cut off contact and change your phone number or email if you have to.  The truth is, when you don’t have to see or talk to him, it makes it far less likely that you will not stay the course.  The first step of this is to be firm when you break it off.  You don’t need to debate it or offer a long explanation.  Saying that you are focusing on your family is the truth and it is enough.  Then make it clear that you wish to have no contact moving forward because anything else would just be painful, confusing, and not in line with what you’re trying to do.

Following Through: Once you’ve made the break, you have to follow through. No checking in or checking up.  No texts or calls.  You truly have to place your focus on your family exactly as you have said that you are going to. Is this going to be easy?  Probably not.  But I would bet that as soon as you do it, you will know that you’ve done the right thing.  And that will make things a little easier.  The more days that you get behind you without contact, the easier it gets. In essence, you are breaking a habit.  This is not impossible, but it requires repetition.  Take it one day at a time and remind yourself of why you are doing this.  Family can be a very strong motivation.  When you are tempted to back slide, remind yourself of those statistics that you looked up before.

I do applaud you for putting your family first.  I get a good deal of correspondence where people are only thinking of themselves.  That puts you ahead of the game.  Healing is totally possible and it makes your marriage stronger. You can read more about the healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Want To Decide To End The Affair, But I’m Struggling. How Do I Make This Decision?

By: Katie Lersch:  I hear from a good amount of conflicted women who are dealing with infidelity in their marriage.  Some of them have just found out about the cheating or the affair.  And others have known for what feels like way too long.  One thing that they have in common, though, are fluctuating feelings that either aren’t clear or that change.

At times they may feel as though there is no possible way that they can maintain their marriages.  They feel too much pain, too much damage, and too much anger.  They don’t see any way back from this horrible place, no matter how much they might like to change things.  They brace themselves for a divorce.  They may start to inform family or friends.  They will tell themselves that their mind is made up.

Until something happens that makes them question this.  Perhaps they have a decent day with their spouse.  Perhaps something happens that brings back thoughts of the old bond or of the old feelings.  Whatever the case, many wives find themselves with fluctuating or confusing feelings that swing wildly.

It might be explained this way: “I honestly never thought my marriage stood a chance after my husband’s affair.  I was so enraged at him.  I do not want to be married to someone with low morals and no integrity.  I’ve worked very hard in my marriage to be a good, faithful spouse.  Goodness knows, I could have cheated if I had wanted to.  Men show me attention all of the time.  But I was committed to my husband – for better and for worse.  And I could not see staying with someone who didn’t share that commitment.  My husband swore that it was a one-time thing, but I wasn’t willing to listen.  I honestly was sure that I was done with him. But things have changed a little for me.  Last week, my husband had minor surgery.  For my children’s sake, I took him to the hospital and to keep an eye on him, I let him stay with me.  (He’d been staying with his mother since I found out about the affair.)  Well, that night a bad storm rolled through and the power went out.  My husband was in pain, so I stayed with him and we just talked and talked.  The electricity was out, so we were stuck in the dark with only candles and we talked and laughed all night long.  I saw glimpses of the man that my husband used to be.  And oddly, seeing my husband in this vulnerable state, I felt the anger just drain out of me.  Since that night, I’ve started to feel some stirring of feelings for my husband again.  But then after a time, I will feel the anger bubbling up again.  My feelings swing back and forth.  It has got the point where I don’t know what I feel anymore.  We see each other often because of our children.  Will my feelings for him become more clear to me?  Will it take long?”

The Progression Of Feelings Can Be Gradual: I can truly only guess here.  But most of the time, yes, your feelings do come more clear.  Here is why.  In the beginning, you have no way to know how your husband is going to act going forward.  You have no way to know if he is going to make good on his promises or if he is going to disappoint you again.  Moving forward though, his behaviors, his actions, and his intentions become more clear.  Eventually, this can make you feel more safe in allowing the feelings to surface.

At first, we are all in self-preservation mode and we are oh so angry.  Loving or emphatic feelings can not really survive in this environment.  And if they should surface, we tend to push them down, deny them, or tell ourselves that we had a momentary lapse of weakness.

As time goes on, though, and we see our husband follow up on what he’s promised, be sincere in his actions, and show concern for us or our children, sometimes we can not help but remember the man who he was before the affair.  And frankly, we loved that man.  It’s unrealistic to think that the love just goes away.

Separating The Mistake From The Person: It’s my opinion that sometimes in the aftermath of the affair after healing has started, some women are able to separate the deplorable act of an affair with the decent and loving man who had it.  When this happens, the loving feelings can return.  And the marriage can be saved if those feelings are nurtured and combined with healing.

Things become more clear when the loving feelings start to overtake the angry / bitter feelings or vice verse.  There often comes a point when you find that one set of feelings are getting stronger while the opposite set are getting weaker.  As this goes on for a longer and longer period of time, that’s how you know that those feelings are real and can be trusted.  I hope this makes you feel better.  But yes, in most cases, the more time that passes, the clearer your true feelings become.

In my own case, the loving feelings won out because my husband turned out to be very sincere in all of his promises.  And I was able to separate the man from the act.  There was no denying that I loved the man.  We healed our marriage and I have never regretted it. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I’m Not Sure How I Feel Toward My Husband After His Affair. Will This Become More Clear To Me?

By: Katie Lersch:  It’s perfectly natural to want to make a cheating spouse pay.  And the word “pay” can have all sorts of connotations.  It can mean that you want for him to pay financially.  It can mean that you want him to pay emotionally.  Some people are very obvious about this.  We’ve all known the furious wife who has gone on trips or bought new cars after their spouse cheats.  It’s really hard to blame them.

Someone might explain: “I fully admit that I have made my husband pull out his wallet since I caught him cheating on me.  I feel that he more than deserves it.  He’s begged me not to leave him.  And in truth I don’t know that I want to leave him.  But I do want for him to pay. And I don’t shy away when it comes to this.  I took my mother on a cruise.  No expense was spared.  I bought a whole new wardrobe.  If I go to the mall and I pass a jewelry store with some nice trinket, then I don’t hesitate to buy it. I feel that I deserve it.  At first my husband tolerated this.  I could tell that he did not like it, but he didn’t really say anything.  Lately, he has started showing me bills and telling me that we can’t keep going this way and that I can’t keep spending with wild abandon.  I don’t know if he is telling me the truth, but I feel that he just needs to find a way to pay for it all.  Because I feel justified in spending a little longer.  In truth, I am really not a materialistic person.  Material things usually don’t mean too much to me. But I honestly feel completely justified in this because I don’t know any other way to even the score.  My husband is so cheap and stingy with money that I know that this is hitting him where it hurts.”

I can certainly understand why you would feel this way.  And I fully admit that my husband’s income was part of the joint pool that paid for my going back to school, fixing my smile, and updating my appearance after his affair.  I do not believe that I wracked up these expenses solely to punish him, though.  My motivation, at least in part, was to better myself so that I would feel more confident.

And make no mistake.  That is what you want when you spend – you want to feel better.  You want to feel worthy.  You are trying to boost your self esteem. I am not sure that it is realistic to think that endless shopping and spending are going to give you these things, although I completely understand why many of us try this.

But from my own experience, I came to learn that no material thing could give my happiness.  This can only come from within yourself and from interacting with people who you love and with things that give you joy. My foray into spending was, thankfully, quite short.  We also went to counseling and that was pricey also. I figured that of the things we were spending on, that was the one that was going to give us the greatest return on our investment.

And I learned to look inside for my happiness.  I picked up hobbies that I thought I no longer had time for. I started doing thread work again and crafts again. I kept my hands busy and this lowered my stress and gave me something else to do because ruminate about my problems.  I walked and biked.  I started roller blading again.  I discovered yoga with weights, which honestly left me feeling wonderful – like I’d had a massage.  After I would finish a yoga session, I realized just how much tension I was holding in my shoulders. And frankly, these things that costs so little kept my mind off of my problems and didn’t cost me a dime.

I am not going to lecture you about the over spending.  You are obviously aware of it.  And I completely understand why you are doing it.  But I do think, at least from my own experience, that in the long run, the spending doesn’t buy you happiness unless you are spending it on something that will really and truly enhance your life and your self esteem.  An education can do that.  A nice new hair style can do that.  But a piece of jewelry or a cruise probably can’t.  Yet another piece of clothing for an already full closet isn’t likely to do it, either.

I often find that when I’m over shopping, I’m just trying to keep busy because I’m trying to avoid something.  Ask yourself if this is the case.  Because if it is, the best thing to do is get quiet, be brave, and face whatever it is you’re avoiding.  And the reason is that you can keep right on spending, but it’s not going to erase whatever it is you’re avoiding.  It’s only going to put bills in your mailbox and stress into your heart.  And even with all of this, the problem is still going to be there.

But yes, I partook in some retail therapy, but it was pretty short lived.  I did spend a lot on my education and on counseling, but both were worthwhile investments. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Feel Completely Justified In Over Spending And Buying Myself Expensive Gifts After My Husband’s Affair

By: Katie Lersch: Most wives who are dealing with the aftermath of the affair REALLY want to believe that the affair is over. This can be true even when you don’t know if you want to save your marriage. Nearly every wife wants the knowledge that the other woman is gone and out of your lives – regardless of what is going to happen moving forward.

That is why it can be very frustrating when she refuses to just go away. Even when husbands sometimes tell these women that it’s truly over and there is nothing left, these women can refuse to take no for an answer and can continue to try to engage in playful and flirty ways that are meant to lure him back from his wife.

Needless to say, this can make a wife furious and cause her to look for ways to call the other woman off. She might say: “the affair had been going on for almost seven months before I got wind of it. I just never thought that my husband would ever do something like that to me. I had a slight medical issue during this time, which meant that, for a while anyway, sex was off the table. You would think that a man who was married as long as my husband has been would understand this and would not go elsewhere seeking sex. But nope, not my husband. He took up with a younger woman from his gym. I admit that I wasn’t watching for the signs because I was dealing with my own issues. But once I found out, my husband was immediately begging for forgiveness, telling me that he would take care of me emotionally and physically, and telling the other woman that there would never be any contact again. My husband admitted that the other woman ‘took it kind of hard’ and then announced to my husband that she knew that he was not going to be able to stay away from her. This annoyed me, but I figured she would soon move on. Well, she hasn’t. I check my husband’s email and phone all of the time now and she will send him provocative pictures. He often just ignores her. But sometimes he will respond back, which drives me insane. The other day she sent a picture of her in lingerie with the caption ‘how do you like this?’ And my husband actually responded with: ‘I like it a lot. But I can’t act on it.’ The thing is, I feel like in time, she is going to wear him down. She will not stop until she weakens him enough until he comes back. I feel like he is weak to even respond to her and then I become disgusted with him. When I confront him, he says that he would never act on it. How can I make her stop? I know that it would not be smart to confront or engage with her. I don’t want to do that. But I want for her to stop trying to lure him back to her.”

I understand why you feel the way that you do. It’s very hard to make progress on your marriage when you have someone else competing for your spouse’s attention. And it can feel as if she has no right whatsoever to hang around when she’s been straight-up told that it’s over and that she is not welcome anymore.

The thing is, though, you can’t always control what she does. Now, don’t get me wrong. You can most definitely block her on your husband’s email and on his phone. And you should do that. Immediately. You should do whatever is necessary to make it much harder for her to just reach out to him whenever the moment strikes her.

With that said, the person who you are most likely to have some influence over is not her or you – it is your husband. It’s very important that he not respond or engage with her. Because when he does, it just encourages her to keep right on doing this. And it sends her mixed signals so that she almost feels justified in her actions.

If the two of you are in counseling, I would certainly ask the counselor to make this VERY clear to your husband. Recovery after an affair means that your husband has to have the integrity and the intention to have NO CONTACT. Sure, he’s not the one sending the texts and photos. But he should not be responding to them either.

You can certainly have a conversation about this, but it often will have more impact coming from someone who isn’t you. So, you might say: “I keep seeing communication from her and it needs to stop. You may say that you aren’t literally acting on it, but even a response from you likely feels like a victory to her and urges her on. In order for us to recover and heal, I need for you to be loyal to me and to COMPLETELY cut off contract. I feel that this goes without saying. I can’t completely trust you if you’re having interactions with her behind my back. Please block her communications. Or I will do it myself. And if she should somehow get through, ignore and delete the communication with no response whatsoever. She needs to leave us alone. But she won’t do that if she knows that she can get a response out of you. I need you to uphold the commitment you claimed to have to me and stop all contact. Will you do that?”

Hopefully, this, combined with a word from your counselor or whatever self help you are using, will be enough. You are absolutely in the right about this. In order to recover and to eventually trust again, you need to know that he’s not betraying you by continuing to engage with her – even if the engagement is just electronically for now.

I do not think that you are being at all unreasonable about this.  You have every right to expect your husband to do what he has claimed. I suppose I was lucky in that the other woman was located in a far-away location so that once my husband returned home, there was really no easy access.  Because I know that I could not have tolerated this situation, either.   There’s more about my thought process during recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on The Mistress Keeps Doing Things To Try To Lure My Husband Back And He Is Weak

By: Katie Lersch: I find that very few wives ask their husband if he is cheating on the spur of the moment.  Many wives give this very careful consideration.  After all, no one wants to falsely accuse someone of something as serious as infidelity.  Plus, if you are wrong and you accuse your husband of this and he is innocent, it could seriously damage your marriage.

So many wives will watch and wait.  They will gather evidence.  And they will mount suspicions that he can no longer ignore.  Sometimes they will get up their courage to confront him, only to lose it again.  In time, it will get to the point where they can’t take it any longer or he will do something that makes confronting him unavoidable.  Still, sometimes the wife still isn’t absolutely sure that she is right. And so she will try to gauge his reaction as further evidence that he is cheating.

When she doesn’t like his reaction, she will confront him on that, too – telling him that an innocent man wouldn’t act in the way that he is.  After the dust settles, she may wonder how an innocent man might act.

She might say: “my husband started acting strange about six weeks ago – shortly after he got a promotion at his job. He started staying late for work. He started dressing much better.  I caught him up in the middle of the night texting someone.  He would go to the office on weekends, which had never happened before.  He started working out.  Then one day I was running errands and I saw him at a restaurant with another woman.  They weren’t touching.  But there was something so intimate in their conversation and body language that I knew they were having an affair.  I got so upset that I did not even approach them.  But that night, when we were eating dinner, I told him what I had saw.  He was furious that I left without saying anything.  And he was very angry that I was accusing him of such a lack of integrity.  He said that he is trying to fit in with his new position which means that he has to work more and dress better.  He said the woman was a co-worker and that they have never even touched other than shaking hands. He went on and on for half an hour and all but threatened me that I had better not bring it up again.  My husband is generally a laid-back kid of guy.  He is not someone who gets angry in that way.  His over-the-top response almost confirms for me that he is indeed cheating.  But when I told him this, he says that the opposite should be true.  He says that it is the innocent man who is angry.  But anger is not common for my husband.  I think he protests too much.  How do men typically act when they are accused of cheating and are in fact guilty.  Does an innocent man act differently than a cheating man?”

Reactions Vary: Honestly, the reactions that you get vary just like the personalities and the men themselves.  Sometimes, perfectly innocent men will tend to overreact, while guilty men will seamlessly, calmly, and convincingly claim their innocence.  A guilty man can talk about the affair endlessly, while an innocent one will change the subject immediately.  You can’t always tell innocence or guilt based on these reactions.

Body Language Can Be Telling: Now, body language experts will tell you that there are usually always tell-tale signs that someone is lying.  Someone who is lying will look away slightly.  They will purse their lips.  They will clasp hands or tense their shoulders.  They will set their jaw.  Some will even smile when their words sound anything but happy.  However, often the confrontation happens so fast that you aren’t able to analyze posture and facial expressions.

Watch His Behavior Moving Forward: One thing that the confrontation can do is to shake the tree a bit.   He knows what you suspect and now it will be interesting to see if he changes his routines at all.  If everything is legitimately innocent, he may not change. But if he is cheating and doesn’t care if you know, then you may see the same reaction.

Make Yourself Visible: Here is one thing that I know for sure.  An affair has a way of coming out.  People slip up.  Or they decide to confess.  If he is cheating, you will likely eventually find out.  But if he is otherwise acting normally toward you, is being attentive, then it makes sense to try to make yourself visible by taking him to lunch one day so that perhaps the other woman / coworker can see that your marriage is very much current and on track.  If he’s willing to let this scenario play out, then this would tend to indicate that he is not cheating and doesn’t care if she sees you or knows that he’s actively participating in his marriage.

I know that this is tricky.  If he is innocent, then you don’t want to accuse him.  But if he is cheating and lying on top of it, that’s inexcusable.  I am living proof that a marriage can recover from an affair, but a husband needs to be start being honest in order for this to happen.  There’s more about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on If A Cheating Man Is Confronted By His Wife, How Would He Act If He Was Guilty? I Think He Protests Too Much

By: Katie Lersch: It’s almost inevitable that the faithful spouse is going to compare themselves to the other person in the affair. This can be true even when they are otherwise confident and sure of themselves. It’s very normal to ask yourself what the other person had that you didn’t. This is compounded (and even more painful) when other people who you know and care about have their own opinions about the other person, especially if those opinions are positive ones.

A wife might say: “not only did my husband cheat on me, but he cheated on me with a well-known woman in our community. She has a very high-profile job and she is well liked. Frankly, my husband’s family is very socially and politically connected. And, when they found out about the affair, they didn’t scold their son or tell him that they were disappointed that he would cheat on his wife. Nope. Instead, they acted like he’d landed a great catch who could greatly improve his career.  They’re almost supporting the affair.  Even my own sister asked how in the world my husband could attract ‘a woman like that.’ So now I feel doubly devastated as if everyone thinks that my husband would be much better off with her. How do you handle it when your family respects and admires the woman your husband is cheating with?”

I will admit these are tough questions, and I would suggest posing these questions to a very good therapist, as that person is much more qualified to give an opinion on this than I am. Having said that, it’s my opinion from my own experience that when you are trying to heal after an affair, you can not let anyone else’s non-professional opinion matter more than your own and more than your therapist, if you have one.

I know it hurts to hear people express respect for the other woman when her actions are anything but respectable.  But, I think what matters most here is your own experiences and your own healing. Who the other person is can’t and shouldn’t affect your process. She could be a complete unknown and she could be so famous that every one knows her, but the process of healing is the same either way. You have to go inside yourself and you have to understand that you can not let anyone else define who you are and what your own worth is.

That includes your husband. And your family. And the other woman. Only you get to decide who you are and what you are worth. I know that this situation is going to make it potentially more difficult. You may have to keep reminding yourself that this is about you internally and not external forces vying for your attention and threatening to put you off track.

I’d like to make a point that may or may not bear out to be true. Sometimes, a strong or powerful woman isn’t as alluring in this situation as she might first appear. Sure, she may seem appealing now. But when your husband gets a taste of how it feels to always defer to her career, or to play second fiddle, he might find that this isn’t as cool and wonderful as it first appeared.  Also, appearances can be deceiving.  She may look one way, but be completely different (and less impressive) in reality.

Not only that, but there can be problematic circumstances that come with two people in the same careers (with both in positions of power.) Many couples are able to navigate this with a lot of compromise and hard work. But if you add on the additional stress of the relationship being an affair, then navigating it might be more difficult.

It may or may not make you feel better to respond back to people when they make comments that indicate that they are impressed by (or respect) the other woman. But I would try to limit this. Because when you get defensive, it just diminishes your power. If you find someone commenting that the other woman is such a catch, you might say something like: “you can have your own opinion about that, but I’d rather not hear it. We’re talking about my life and my marriage and I believe that I’m a pretty good catch also. I’d like to leave it at this and not discuss it anymore.”

Try to keep your tone even and calm so that it is clear that the conversation is over and that you don’t intend to discuss it any longer. Hopefully, you will only have to say this once and it will blow over. Because frankly, the sooner that you put her out of your mind and begin focusing on your own healing, the better off you are going to be.

I can’t predict what might happen with this husband. The wife hadn’t explained what his intentions or behaviors were like. But I don’t think you can ever go wrong with starting with yourself and your own well being.  At least this was my experience.  Sometimes, it felt selfish – focusing on myself.  But this turned out to be time very well spent.   You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Our Family Has Respect For My Husband’s Affair Partner

By: Katie Lersch:  There is often a perception that a man who is having an affair will do everything in his power to keep his wife from finding out.  People assume that he will cover his tracks, delete his texts, and perhaps even have a separate phone for his wife and for the other woman.

Some men are exactly this sneaky.  But not all men.  There are a small subset of men who seem to not care if their wife finds out about the affair.  In fact, some of them almost leave clues for her to follow.  And some wives will tell you that not only did he not hide the affair, he actually flaunted it.  Someone might say: “my husband never really tried to camouflage his affair.  He kept his phone right on the counter when she would text him.  He wouldn’t announce that he was seeing someone else when he would go out, but he wouldn’t make excuses for himself either.  He’d just not come home or he’d come home when he knew that I was asleep.  When I finally asked him if he was having an affair, his response was: ‘well it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?’  He never apologized.  He never offered to break it off.  Now that I know about her, he’s completely honest when he informs me who he is with.  He doesn’t willingly talk about her, but he doesn’t change the subject either.  He will leave gifts for her on the counter.  He’ll get all dressed up and hum to himself when he is on his way to see her.  I find this to be incredibly insensitive and I do not understand why he is doing this.  Why would a man flaunt his affair?”

I admittedly do not know your husband, but I do have some theories as to why some men feel the need to flaunt their extra curricular activities.  I will discuss them below.

As Pay Back For Something:  Many husbands make every attempt to justify an affair.  The most common reason I find that a man will flaunt his cheating is when his wife has cheated on him previously.  In this case, he WANTS her to know.  He’s hoping that she will find out.  He can’t wait until the day that she realizes that he has paid her back. This is his way of saying “two can play that game.”  Or “see, there are other women out there who will want me if you don’t.”

And even if the wife has not previously cheated, he may still be trying to pay her back for some perceived slight.  He may still be trying to show her that he’s still attractive and desirable.  He may want her to feel sorry for something she has done.

He’s Deeply Involved With The Other Relationship And Doesn’t Care Who Knows It:  Sometimes, especially in the early days of an affair, people can kind of get caught up in it.  Early on, they aren’t really asking themselves where the relationship is going to go or who it is going to hurt.  So it’s easy to get caught up in the moment without tempering your actions.  His “flaunting” it can be an extension of this. And his enthusiasm may mean that he’s not spending any energy or time trying to cover his tracks.

He Just Wants To Feel Good About Himself:  Honestly, I think that the biggest reason that men have affairs is to feel positive about themselves.  As they age, slow down, or doubt themselves, they become much more vulnerable to an affair.  Starting a new relationship proves to them that they are still in the game.  In a way, flaunting the relationship is trying to show YOU that they are still in the game.

It is almost a way of seeking your approval.  They hope that when you see how they can be desired by someone else, then they will also be desirable to you and to themselves.  I know that this need seems very silly and needy.  But it is real.

It’s not all that different from people constantly posting selfies on Facebook and being so desperate for attention and validation.  This “flaunting” behavior is along those same lines.  They are flaunting because they are desperately seeking approval, validation, and self esteem.

Yes, they are looking for these things in a way that makes them look silly and misguided, but the underlying theme is that they are motivated to act because they just don’t feel very great about themselves.  And when they start to feel better, they want everyone to know.

If someone had an affair, but no one knew, then the validation and boost in self esteem wouldn’t be as great.  It’s the reason that people post selfies instead of keeping them private.  If you took your own photo, but no one else saw it, the impact would not be the same, or so the thinking goes.

None of the above validates or excuses the affair.  Not by a long shot.  All of us have our struggles, but not all of us cheat.  By no means am I defending cheating husbands who have the nerve to flaunt the affair.  I am just trying to give you some insights into their flawed psychology.

It is up to you as to how you want to handle this.  Sometimes, he will eventually realize what a fool he has been.  You could certainly tell him, but he will often be defensive and ignore you.  In my own experience, I tended to work on myself when my husband was acting foolish or defensive.  There were times when you just could not have an adult conversation with him. So I learned that sometimes I had to change my focus  and place it on myself and on my own healing during these times.  I simply took myself out of the equation and did not interact at that time. Like most men, my husband was eventually embarrassed by his own foolishness and apologized profusely.  But I certainly had no desire to interact with him when he was being a fool.  Every wife has to make her own decisions about these things.  You can read more about my experiences after the affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Is He Flaunting His Affair?

By: Katie Lersch:  If you’ve ever dealt with infidelity, you know that it’s an extremely painful time where you need as much understanding and support as you can get.  Many people hesitate to share with others what they are going through, but if they choose to tell a select few, they do so in the hopes that those carefully chosen people will support them unconditionally and without judgement.

And it’s very disappointing when these folks who you have placed your confidence in don’t respond with loving support.  It can make you feel as if you’ve been betrayed twice or that no one really cares at a time when you need this the most.

A wife might explain it this way: “honestly, I don’t think that my family has ever liked my husband.  Of course, they participated in the wedding because they love me and want to support me.  But a few of my sisters and my mother repeatedly asked me if I was sure about it.  Admittedly, before he met me, my husband had the reputation as a ladies’ man.  He was always with different women.  He was considered quite the catch.  But once we became serious, he stopped flirting so much and I honestly felt that he had changed.  Well, unfortunately, that doesn’t appear to be the case because I just found out he has been cheating on me.  He has promised to break it off and go to counseling.  So I have agreed not to leave him as long as he does what he has promised.  I am very close to my sisters and my mother and they know me very well.  They know when something is wrong with me.  When we were all shopping the other day, they asked me what was wrong and I started to sob.  It was obvious that something awful had happened and they asked me to share my troubles with them so I did.  They all immediately said they knew that my husband was all wrong for me and that they had never really trusted him.  They said that they would support me when I left him and assured me that we would get through this as a family.  At that time, I didn’t tell them that I had made the decision to stay with him because I just did not have the energy or will to debate about it.  But a couple of weeks later, they came over to my home and of course saw my husband still there.  Later, they asked me why in the world I hadn’t kicked him out.  I finally told them the truth and said that we were going to go to counseling in order to work it out.  They were clearly angry and they left without us going shopping as we had planned.  Since then, I haven’t heard from them.  I used to talk to my sisters and mother every day.  We used to get together every couple of days.  This hurts me very much.  I feel like I’m potentially losing my husband and now I might lose my extended family.  What can I do?”

I think that the first matter of importance is understanding that you are likely seeing this behavior because your family loves you, even though it may not feel like it right now.  They likely hate to see you hurt and they are angry at the person who hurt you (your husband.)  The anger isn’t directed at you, but I know that it can feel as if it is sometimes.

The goal should be to get them to understand that because you love them as much as they love you, you’re being hurt by them withdrawing from you.  Sometimes, you will just have to have an honest conversation about this and clear the air so that they understand that their behavior isn’t helping.

You might try a conversation like this: “I know that we haven’t been in touch in a few days and I miss you.  I know that you’re not happy that my husband is still here. I understand that you don’t want for me to be hurt.  I know that seeing me in pain hurts you.  But I know that what you really want is what’s best for me and for me to be happy.  It’s difficult for me to be anything but miserable without the support of my family.  I need you guys – now more than ever.  Please know that I am going to get professional help to deal with this.  The counselor will help me decide the best course of action regarding my marriage.  I’m in good hands in that regard.  Don’t worry about that.  I don’t need help with that. I have a professional advising me.  But what I do need, more than anything, is your unconditional love and support.  We don’t have to talk about my marriage when we get together. But I need for us to be together.  I need your support.  We have other things to bond over besides our marriages and I need that right now.”

Hopefully, this will bring them around.  And frankly, they will likely back off of their anger once they see that the counseling is helping you and they have some reassurance that you are going to be OK. They are acting out of worry, but their behavior is misplaced.  They can help you more by just being there without judgement.  Because even when life is perfect, everyone can benefit from a loving family.  Sometimes we just have to learn that we can love and support someone without being judgmental.

Since going through my own husband’s affair, I’m extremely careful about appearing judgmental around other friends or family members going through the same thing.  I know first hand that what these wives need for me is to just listen and to be there.  They don’t need for me to be their marriage counselor.  They just need for me to be their friend.  I don’t offer any judgement unless they ask.  And even then, I’m reluctant. You can read more about my gradual recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Family Doesn’t Offer Their Support Because I Took Back My Cheating Husband

By: Katie Lersch:  Ideally, we all want to learn about the affair soon after it began; or if that is not possible, immediately after it is over.  We want this because it’s best to deal with the present as it is happening.  We want this because facts and memories are most accurate when they have just occured.  Unfortunately, this scenario is not reality for some people.

Sometimes, your spouse does not confess (or you do not find out) right away.  In some cases, years have gone by.  And this can make healing a little more tricky.  How do you approach this when the affair happened so far in the past and your spouse is claiming that this is all water under the bridge? Does it matter that your marriage has been relatively good since the infidelity happened, even though you were unaware of it?

Here’s a story that you might hear: “last weekend, my husband and I were watching a movie.  The theme of the movie was a marriage wrecked by a silly one night stand. During one of the pivotal scenes of the movie, my husband started to fidget and obviously got very uncomfortable.  I asked him what was wrong, but he denied that there was a problem. Later in the movie, when the spouse found out about the affair and I got very upset and was yelling about the betrayal, I noticed that there were tears in my husband’s eyes. Once again I asked him what was wrong.  Finally, he blurted out that eight years ago, he’d had a brief affair.  He blubbered and carried on, muttering that he was sorry. I tried to ask questions at that time, but he could not get out any real information.  He was crying and sputtering and frankly being pretty pathetic. Later, I was able to determine that a trainer at his job who was only there for a month was ‘the other woman.’  This was shortly after we had begun to have children and obviously this was a stressful time.  Because the trainer left town shortly after her job was over, the affair ended and he claims that they never had contact again.  He claims that there was no deep emotional attachment and that he has never cheated again.  I am not sure what to do with this.  I am furious. And I wonder what might happen if an available woman would come into his life again.  But then I have to admit that he’s been a great husband. And I feel conflicted at thinking otherwise.  I know that I have to deal with this.  But I don’t know how you heal from an affair that happened years ago and that you never knew about until just now.”

I agree that this is potentially tricky. But I think that you essentially heal the same way that you would if the knowledge of the affair was immediate which is: you determine what went wrong, you fix any vulnerabilities, you restore the trust, and you rebuild.

Granted, what went wrong may not be an ongoing problem now.  Many men who are new fathers are vulnerable.  They are young and they have not felt this type of responsibility before.  I am not defending them, but this is a pretty common vulnerability prior to an affair. It could  be that this is no longer a problem for your husband because he is older and more stable.  However, you should look at this issue with brutal honesty, just to be safe.

Another thing you will need to do is restore the trust. Once again, there is a twist because he has been trustworthy throughout your marriage other than this one time.  Regardless, this is a betrayal that is bound to shake the trust.  And the fact that it happened in the past does not excuse this betrayal.  And frankly, it is compounded because your husband could have told you at any point during all of these years and he did not.  That is a problem which speaks of trust.  And his being a good husband otherwise doesn’t negate that he wasn’t completely honest as the affair was going on or after it was over.

Then there is the rebuilding process, but that is generally further down the road.  It might be easier (and preferable to your husband) to downplay all of this since it happened long ago.  But I don’t think that this strategy is fair to you or best for your marriage.  It should be dealt with.  Sure, the fact that your husband has been a good one since and hasn’t cheated again counts. But it doesn’t erase what has happened.

So yes, this timing can feel like a disadvantage, but that shouldn’t stop you from demanding healing.  And frankly, the time that has passed can almost be an advantage in a way because it has shown you that your husband remained committed to your marriage and capable of remaining faithful after one mistake.  (This is something that many wives hope for (but can’t predict) when the knowledge of the affair is fresh.)

I do think that you should not discount the affair.  It happened, it must be dealt with, and his keeping it from you for years can’t be denied.  But I also think it’s fair to consider the type of husband he has been after it.  This can matter also.

I did find out about my husband’s affair relatively soon after it happened.  However, there were some facts that did not come out until much later and those had to be dealt with after-the-fact.  It was a bit tricky, but I demanded that the time which had passed did not excuse my husband, although his behavior after the affair did matter to me.  You can read more about overcoming these things on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I’m Trying To Recover From An Affair Years Later And I Feel That This Puts Me At A Disadvantage