Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who either believe that they cheated on their spouse because they were depressed or have been told by a cheating spouse that feelings of hopelessness and depression may have contributed to the cheating.

Understandably, not every one comprehends how one thing would lead to another. And some wonder if this is just an excuse for someone else’s bad behavior. A wife might ask: “why is it that depressed people have a greater tendency to cheat? I just found out my husband has been cheating on me. For the past year, he has been greatly struggling with intense sadness. This started when his brother became ill. This seemed to make my husband question the meaning of life. And he seemed dissatisfied with everything all of a sudden. Before this, my husband was generally a pretty content guy. But everything changed when his brother’s health took a turn. When I asked my husband why he cheated on me when I consider myself a pretty good wife, he told me that he had been so depressed and that the cheating was the only way he felt anything whatsoever. I have noticed this happen with a couple of my friends and coworkers also. The men go through a struggle in their life and then they do something really stupid like gamble or cheat on their wives. Why do they do this? I would think that when you were sad, you wouldn’t want to do anything to make your life worse?”

I can give you my best guess, although I’m not a therapist. I hear from a lot of people who deeply regret cheating. And from their descriptions and depictions, it appears that they were attempting to make themselves feel more alive or were attempting to experience more excitement or emotion. In short, they were trying to feel something that registered so that they had a pause in feeling numb or bad.  I’ve never suffered from what I would call severe depression, but I have struggled after traumatic or sad occasions in my life. And I can tell you that when you are going through this, you truly do kind of feel numb. It is as though the volume has been turned to mute all of the time. It is as if the colors in life have been dulled down or have faded to black and white.

Understandably, this is not a fun experience. So you can feel quite desperate to want to do something in attempt to make this feel better. Unfortunately, many people use behaviors that are bad for them and / or make silly decisions in an attempt to feel better.

In my own example, I gained tons of weight after my grandfather died. He was like my father. And the death was unexpected. I am normally a careful eater and I value good health. I work out regularly and hadn’t had a weight problem before. But I ate foods that I was fully aware were bad for me. I’d feel a little better while gorging myself. But afterward, the guilt set in and I’d feel worse and the cycle would feed on itself. I gained quite a bit of weight and stopping that cycle was difficult. Although as I began to process my grandfather’s death, the bad foods lost their pull on me and I eventually lost the weight and went back to normal eating. But at the time, I was fully aware that the over eating was awful for me. I knew that it would make me feel worse and guilty at the same time. And yet, I did it anyway.

Depressed people have different ways of coping and different vices that they turn to. As you said, some will choose gambling. Some will choose infidelity. Some people don’t turn to vices. But many do. Because you feel so badly about your situation and yourself, the behaviors that you choose often reflect this. And honestly, it is hard to think clearly and to make good decisions when you feel so poorly.

I am not in any way trying to make an excuse for someone who cheats. Regardless of whether you are blissfully happy or a little depressed, cheating is a choice. But, there are times in people’s lives when they are more vulnerable to cheating or any risky behaviors, really. And times when people are stressed or sad definitely fits the bill.

I am not trying to excuse your husband, but I do think that it’s plausible that his depression could have contributed to the cheating. That is particularly true if he’s never had an infidelity issue before. And it would be understandable to struggle emotionally after the illness of a sibling.

I am not sure if your husband is open to counseling, but it could probably help him with both his depression and with the issue of cheating. Because he’s likely struggling with feelings of guilt now on top of everything else. And sometimes, when we have so much on our plates, we need a little help to see us through it.

Also, it’s important that you don’t repress your own feelings. Yes, your husband may be the one who is depressed. But finding out your spouse has cheated is a huge stressor. So don’t ignore your own feelings or your own needs. They are every bit as important as any one else’s.

I believe that stress from my husband’s new job at the time contributed to his infidelity. I understood this, but I did not accept it as an excuse.  He made a choice which had consequences.  And although I acknowledged his stress, I too had feelings and struggles that needed to be dealt with also.  You can read more about that at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Even those folks who are passionate about staying married after an affair would have to admit, if they are honest, that there are doubts and worries.  Even if you are very clear that divorce is not an option and you are determined to do whatever is necessary for the sake of your marriage, you can’t help but wonder what “marriage” is going to mean in the future.

After all, isn’t your marriage irrevocably changed once infidelity damages it?  Do you always have to just accept your struggling, sub-par marriage?  Are you destined to live with anger and resentment?  Is your intimacy forever gone?

Someone might address it this way: “I feel a loss of many things after my husband’s affair.  But I refuse to let this destroy my marriage and my family and, thankfully, my husband agrees.  We have found a decent counselor, although my husband hates going and is always trying to taper down on the visits or quit.  I know that we are going to make it simply because we both refuse to let go.  But what about the intimacy?  The one thing that I have always adored about my marriage is that my husband and I were so close emotionally.  We have known one another since we were children and I’m very close to his entire family.  He knows me better than anyone else.  He knows what I am thinking before I do.  We could often communicate without any words passing between us and that was such a comfort.  I always knew that he had my back.  Well now, even though I know that we will stay together, the relationship has changed.  We only discuss small talk.  We no longer have whispered conversations at night or laugh.  We talk only when we have to. We are polite to one another.  We are both trying.  But I have this awful sense that we are never going to get the intimacy back and that breaks my heart more than the affair ever did.  Is it ever really the same?  People say that it can be, but I really don’t believe it.”

Surviving / Thriving Marriages Post-Affair Don’t Get A Lot Of Attention Or Air Play: I didn’t believe it either.  And I understand why you don’t buy it.  Honestly, I think that part of the reason that I felt that my marriage was sunk after my husband’s affair is because I’d never really actually witnessed a marriage thrive afterward.  And admittedly, you don’t often see this in the media and even friends and family don’t talk about it.  Plus, couples whose marriages thrive after infidelity don’t necessarily advertise that fact.  In fact, most people probably wouldn’t know that they had dealt with infidelity at all.  Because, why advertise it?  Whose business is it?

You’re more likely to hear about the marriages that don’t work because let’s face it, misery loves company and heartache sells tabloids and reality TV.

A Changing Marriage Isn’t Always An Inferior Marriage: I am biased.  But I do believe that in some cases you can get the intimacy back, although it’s naive to think that your marriage isn’t going to change.  It does change.  But you know what?  So many things change your marriage.  Hardships can’t help but affect it, but they often also make it stronger.  And you can’t always control what hardships affect your marriage.  One of the worst strains to my marriage was one of my childrens’ illness.  You would not think that this would have damaged us so much – but it did.  We were both so frightened, so tired, and so worried.  And because we were totally focused on our child, we lost focus on our marriage.  It was awful. But it made us stronger.  So when the affair came, I knew that we had the capability to weather the storm if I chose that route.

There are many such events that are going to shake your marriage over your life. But when you hold hands, take a deep breath, refuse to give up, cling together, and come out on the other side, your bond is stronger.  Certainly, sometimes you look back on the event and you wish that it never happened.  But you know that you can’t change it, that you are glad to have it past you, and you realize that you would not have wanted to go through it with anyone but your spouse.

What Has To Happen To Restore Intimacy: Admittedly, in order for the intimacy to return, you will have to get past the anger.  You will have to work through the issues.  You will have to eventually allow yourself to be trusting and vulnerable again.  Because I learned the hard way that you can not have intimacy without trust and vulnerability. And that is the rub. It’s a leap of faith.  And it’s scary.  And it takes a while until you are ready or willing to make that leap.

That’s OK.  Sometimes, all you can do is committed to sticking it out in the beginning.  That’s enough for now.  Don’t rush it.  Don’t think that you aren’t making progress.  Take it one day at a time and know that at some point, you may look around and realize that you are making it, that you are rebuilding, and that you are starting to get some intimate feelings back.  It doesn’t happen quickly. And it doesn’t happen all at once.  But it does happen.  And it becomes like any other stressor in your marriage – you get through it, you never want to repeat it, but you are OK in spite of it.

I’m not going to tell you that I’m fine with the fact that my husband had an affair.  I’m not.  I’d give anything if it had never happened.  Just like I’d give anything if my child had never gotten sick.  But I can’t change these things.  And weathering those storms made my marriage stronger.  There’s more about how we made it through on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It would be wonderful if both husband and wife would be equally committed to saving their marriage after an affair.  It would be ideal if, no matter who cheated and who didn’t, both spouses were equally determined to make it work.  This isn’t always the reality, though.  Often, even if both people know that staying together is probably going to be in the best interest of their family, they can both sometimes have doubts about whether or not their heart is in it and whether or not it can possibly work.

Someone might say: “I am embarrassed to say that I am the spouse who cheated.  I don’t think that anyone who knows my husband and I would have suspected that it would be me who was unfaithful.  I’m very much a straight arrow.  And the affair is something that very much caught me off guard. I admit that I got caught up in it, and I used to fantasize that, once my kids were grown, that I could be with the other man.  Of course, I got sloppy and complacent and my husband eventually caught me.  Rightly so, he demanded that the affair end or that I leave.  I could not end the affair immediately.  I had become too dependent on the other man, so I left.  Looking back, I can not believe that I did this.  I left my children for a man. It’s so embarrassing and shameful.  Anyway, it took me about two weeks to realize what a stupid mistake I had made.  I did love the other man, but not as much as my children. So I contacted my husband and asked if I could move back home.  He reluctantly agreed.  He told me that he was furious with me, but that he felt about the same as I did – that we owed it to our children to try and work it out.  So here we are.  I’m present and I’m trying.  But if I’m being honest, I’m not really here emotionally.  My heart is still with the other man.  My heart is here because of my kids – but certainly not because of my husband.  Still, I know that I can not bail out once again.  I have made this commitment and I am determined to see it through.  But I can’t help wondering if this ever really works out.  Does anyone want to be here again in these circumstances?  Am I always going to be this miserable?”

I know many couples who certainly had their doubts when they tried to reconcile after an affair, but who now find themselves glad that they stuck it out because they are pretty darn happy now.  I count myself as one of these couples and I’m pretty upfront about the fact that if it had not been for my kids, I probably would not have given my husband another chance.

Now, my situation is different because I was the faithful spouse. But I know many cheating spouses that have gone through something similar.  It can be hard to give up something when you have no guarantee that what you are giving it up for is going to work out, or even make you happy.

You can KNOW that what you are doing is right, but you can’t know if it’s going to FEEL right.  The problem, I think, is that sometimes we expect for things to fall into place much too quickly and easily.  An affair causes a great deal of destruction.  There is so much damage to clean up.  And doing so takes a huge amount of work, patience, and time. But people try and shortchange all three of these.

Also, people sometimes mistakenly believe that having the will to make it work is all that you need.  Oh how I wish that this were true, but it isn’t.  Often, you are going to need some help.  You are going to need some counseling or you are doing to need a plan.  You may need to learn new skills and allow yourself to be vulnerable as you are rebuilding.

But yes, if you are willing to do all of these things, you can feel right and secure and happy again.  It isn’t instantaneous.  And it means that you will have to give up something (the other person) to get something in return (your family back.)  It may not be an easy process.  You might deal with anger, sadness, and feelings of being lost.  All of this is normal.

I find that people in your situation often fantasize about things that aren’t reality. In other words, it would be normal for you to think that if you could go running back to the other man’s arms, then you could be happy.  This isn’t usually reality.  You’d go running back, but you’d miss your family.  You might even resent that you had to make that choice. And this would damage your relationship.

There is no perfect solution in the beginning.  You just have to do the best that you can.  Some days, you just have to make it based on your determination alone.  You’re feeling your way in the dark.  But for many, it slowly does get better.  You begin to recover what has been lost.  And it is only with time that you can see how wrong your perceptions truly were.

It’s not rare that I have people tell me how thankful they are that they stuck with their families even when they had their doubts.  I am one of those people.  I know that not everyone can put their family first.  But I am very grateful that I did. The rest of my story is at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s not uncommon for people to experience very strong and overwhelming feelings when they are carrying out an affair. Many insist that they “have never felt this way before.” Or they claim romantic feelings that are brand new and they’ll say that they “never felt this way about their spouse.” So they assume that these feelings mean that they absolutely are in love with the other person or that they absolutely are not in love with their spouse and potentially never were.

You might hear one of them say: “I’m sorry to say that my affair is over. I know that this sounds horrible and that it shows what a bad person I am. But the affair changed something inside of me. It showed me how I want to live my life. It showed me that I was sort of just sleep walking through my life. I never want to live that way again. I want to embrace life. Experiencing the feelings that I felt for the other man made me realize just how much I absolutely no longer love my husband. I know that it would make the most sense for me to try to save my marriage since the other man went back to his wife and has cut off all contact with me. But I just don’t think that I can do this. I realize that I don’t love my husband anymore and I suspect that I never really did. I married him because he’s a good, solid person but not because I was desperately in love with him. I have recently felt what that type of love feels like, and I now realize that this is not what I had with my husband. And this is sad because we started a family based on the pretense that we loved one another.”

When people say these sorts of things, many of them honestly believe that they are saying something ground breaking and earth shattering. They don’t realize how common their feelings are. Countless people have come before them and said exactly the same thing. And countless people have changed their minds with time. Some have even returned to their families and have been quite happy.  If you talk to many of these people who were so madly in love with the other person a year later, many of them have changed their tunes quite dramatically.

I know that you’re probably not even ready to hear what I have to say. You are still in the glow of the affair. But it is very common for this to fade. People get caught up in the excitement and the emotions of an affair. At the time, it often DOES feel intense and satisfying. If it didn’t, you wouldn’t risk so much for it.

But when it cools, as it almost always does, that is when people realize that they were reacting to the situation and not to any real and new feelings.

I am not going to try and convince you that you still love your spouse. Perhaps you don’t. But I would caution you to reconsider breaking up a family over feelings that might change. That is especially true if the other person in the affair has made it clear that it is over and that his priority is his own marriage.

I am not going to tell you that one day you will realize that what you have with your husband is solid and lasting and what you had with the other man was a fantasy. But I am going to suggest that, with time, this is the conclusion that many people end up with post-affair.

That is why it doesn’t make a lot of sense to immediately act on this and to say or do something that you can not easily take back. I hear from a lot of folks who went and announced their new revelation to their spouse, devastating everyone and ending their marriage. And then six months later, they are filled with regret because they now see very clearly what they have lost.

They no longer have the affair. They no longer have their spouse. All they have is the realization that they were wrong and, as a result, they now have created quite a mess.

You can’t really evaluate your love for your spouse when the affair is so fresh. I am not saying that in six months from now, you won’t feel exactly the same way that you do right now. But I am saying that it makes sense to give yourself the time to get a new perspective without doing something that essentially removes your future options, especially if your children are involved and affected.

Even the faithful spouse’s feelings change after the affair.  I was sure I could never trust my husband again.  I was sure that things would never be the same between us.  But in many ways, things are better. If it helps, you can read more about my own experiences on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Occasionally, I hear from remorseful women who have slept with someone else’s husband.  They typically find me because they are searching the internet for information about the aftermath of an affair.  They are feeling guilty and they would like to attempt to make things right.  To that end, many want to write a letter to the wife offering an apology of sorts.

They figure that this can only benefit every one involved – the wife may get some insights and know that there is remorse.  And the other woman be able to “get this off her chest” and hopefully let some of the guilt go and move on.  You might hear: “I would like some tips on writing a letter to the wife of the man with whom I had an affair. I want to tell her how sorry I am.  I want to tell her that it is over.  I want to tell her why it happened and why it will not happen again.  I want to try to share what made me take this action (even though I knew in my heart that it was wrong.)  I want her to know a little bit about me so that maybe she won’t hate the thought of me quite so much.  I want to help her feel a little bit better.  I know where she lives and I was going to just stick the letter in her mailbox so that she can read it at her convenience.  What words or phrases so I make sure to use in order to make sure that I make her feel better?”

Take A Hard Look At Your Motivations: I hope that this doesn’t come off in the wrong way, but I would discourage you from writing the letter (or at least from actually giving the wife the letter.)  And here is why.  I think that often, we want to write the letter more for ourselves than for the recipient.  We want the release.  We want the freedom from guilt.  We want to purge ourselves from what we have done.  This is all understandable.  And if you want to write that letter, fine.  But frankly, there is no reason to pull the other woman into what is essentially your own pursuit.

Understand What She Doesn’t Want From You: From the wife’s perspective, I can tell you that nothing that the other woman could have said or explained would have made me feel any better.  I wondered about her, but honestly, receiving more information about her would have only made me dwell on her more.  It was in my best interest to move on from that as quickly as possibly.  And her inserting herself into my life by writing a letter would have only delayed and complicated that process.

You are assuming that the wife is going to be receptive to your letter and find comfort in it.  However, I can tell you that this is a very ambitious perception.  Put yourself in the wife’s shoes.  How would you feel if you came out to your mailbox only to discover that someone has been on your property without your knowledge and tried to insert themselves into your life without your permission?

Frankly, there is very little that you can say that is going to make the wife feel better.  If she needs information, she will get it from her husband – the person who is legitimately in her life.  Your intentions may well be good, but I have never seen any good come out of such letters.  They are almost always misunderstood and they cause more harm than healing.

Free Yourself, But Let Her Go As Well: There is nothing wrong with wanting to put an apology on paper.  Many people find it to be very freeing and to be quite a relief.  There’s nothing wrong with trying it.  But I would suggest that you then burn the letter or keep it to yourself.  Giving it to the wife is only rubbing salt in the wound and it isn’t likely to benefit her.  If you truly want for both of you to heal, go ahead and release the words for your own healing, but then leave her alone.  Allow her to pick up the pieces of her life without additional interference.  She has already had this intrusion once and without invitation.  She does not need it again.  The kindest thing that you can do for her (and for yourself) is to bow out gracefully, move on, and to heal that so that you do not repeat the process again.

I applaud your wanting to start the healing process.  But forcing a letter on her is not the best way to go about it in my opinion.  Yes, I am biased, having to deal with my own husband’s affair.  But I am speaking honestly and from my heart.  And I am telling you what I think is most likely to benefit you both.  There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Most of the correspondence that I get comes from people who are in a marriage where an affair just ended and they are wanting to save their marriage eventually.  Occasionally though, I hear from someone who is considering ending their marriage to pursue an affair.  I sometimes wonder why they’ve chosen to reach out to me, when I make it pretty clear that I would never advocate for an affair.  But I think that perhaps they are looking for an honest answer – even if it is brutally honest one.  And maybe, just maybe, they are looking for someone to speak the truth.

They might explain something like: “I don’t want it to sound like ending my marriage is something that I take lightly.  It isn’t.  This is heart-wrenching for me and I know that whatever route I choose, it is going to hurt in some capacity and it is going to feel wrong. I honestly did try to end the affair and go back to my marriage.  I did make an honest attempt at that.  But it was a disaster.  Because I was always thinking of the other man.  I wasn’t really present when I was with my husband.  And he knew it.  My heart was somewhere else.  I just could not help it.  So I have made the very hard decision to leave my marriage to pursue this other man.  And the affair relationship is not even a sure thing. Because the other man is trying to save his marriage with his wife.  However, I suspect that as soon as he knows that I am available, he will choose me. And, I just can’t see any other way – even with the risk.  I can not be happy without him.  And I’m willing to risk everything for the chance of being with him.  So, now I am wondering what are realistic expectations with this?  What am I looking at moving forward?”

I’m going to say this as gently as I can.  I believe that you probably already know the answer to this question.  I’m not psychic.  But I know this because, from your own words, you repeatedly used the word ‘risk.’  The point is, you already know that this is an enormous risk for so many reasons.

First of all, I probably don’t need to tell you that the odds are so heavily stacked against you.  Second marriages don’t have the best odds of survival.  Even worse, second marriages to people who were affairs have absolutely dreadful odds.  I’ve seen some statistics that put the chance of success in the low single figures – meaning far less than ten percent or not even one out of ten.

Add that to the fact that you’re dealing with a man who is actively trying to save his marriage and I’d bet that the odds are even lower than that.  You’re assuming that he will choose you, but you don’t know that.  And assuming that he does, he may well resent you for breaking up the family that he was trying to get back.  If he has children, they may most certainly resent you, which will put additional strain on the relationship.  Not to mention that it’s very hard to have an affair-type relationship once you’re married.  Once the secrecy and scandal are gone, the excitement is usually also gone.

Marriage is hard.  This is true even when you start out in the most honest and righteous way imaginable.  It is true even when you’ve done everything right.  But when you start out in secret and shame and you shatter people along the way, then that relationship is already dealing a great deal of baggage that it’s going to drag along behind it throughout its existence.

That isn’t even considering the lack of trust that many couples in your situation deal with.  You already know that your husband-to-be has the ability to stray in his marriage when things get tough.  Who is to say he won’t do this to you?  These fears may always be in your mind (competing with that baggage that I discussed above,) for your attention.

Now I know what you might be thinking: “I know it’s going to be hard, but it’s also going to worth it.”  That’s truly for you to decide.  It sounds as if you already realize that it’s going to be a struggle.  I hear from many folks who did pursue the affair and who ended up deeply regretting it.  I have no idea if your marriage could survive if you turned your attention toward it.  But it seems to me that at least you might want to give the other man a chance to save his family before you pursue him.  Otherwise, you are trying to take someone else’s husband and someone else’s family member.  If he eventually divorces his wife (without outside influence from you,) then you would be in a different scenario.

But as it stands, the expectation for someone who leaves the marriage to pursue an affair is bleak.  You don’t need to take my word for this.  The statistics and odds for this are extremely daunting.  And all you have to do is look around at well-known couples who have tried this to know that it is often a disaster for all involved.

I know that at times it seems as though your marriage doesn’t stand a chance post-affair.  I thought this also.  And yet, I’m still married today.  I was not sold on saving my marriage at first.  But I’m glad that I did.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I hear from a good deal of women who have recently found out about their husband’s affair.  A large number of them are at least open to the idea of one day repairing their marriage, but they have doubts as to whether or not this will be possible.  The main factor in these doubts is often the wife wondering if she will ever be able to “get over” the affair.

And there is another subset of wives that tend to get less discussion.  These are the wives who suspect that, in time and with a lot of assistance, they may in fact be able to get over the affair.  But they don’t necessarily know if they want to.  They wonder if it would even be worth it to try.

Here are is an example of the type of comment that you might hear from someone in this subset: “honestly, my husband seems so desperate to win me back after his affair, that I have no doubt in my mind that he will do whatever I ask of him.  So it is not outside of the realm of possibility that we could save our marriage.  I could envision a scenario where my husband would make a super-human effort to be the kind of husband that I deserve and then afterward, I might be open to ‘getting over’ the affair and moving on with my life.  I do believe that I COULD do that.  The problem is that I am not sure that I WANT to do that.  Because I feel that doing so would say as much about my own character as cheating did for my husband’s character.  I’ve never had much respect for women who blindly ‘stand by their man.’   It seems a little pathetic.  And so to keep my own self respect intact, I feel that I have to almost cut my husband loose and just accept that this might be the end for us.  And I’m really sorry about that.  But I’m not the one who cheated.  Is it valid to just not want to get over it?”

I think that any choice you make is valid.  You didn’t choose for him to have an affair, but you most certainly have a choice as to how you want to move forward.  No one can make this choice for you.  Only you know how you feel and what your wishes truly are.  I can’t really address that for you.

But what I can address is how you may look at things a little differently as this process goes along.  I can only speak from my own heart – having gone through this.  I had very similar concerns as yours.  I worried about my self esteem and self respect if I stayed with my husband.  Because of these concerns, I did not make a commitment to stay.  And I did not make a decision to leave.  ( Since I was just as worried about my anger causing me to make decisions as I was about my own self respect.)

I will admit that my kids were a big influence on my decision.  People may feel that this isn’t right or valid or that I was putting someone need’s instead of my own.  I’m not here to debate this.  I’m admitting that, in the beginning, it influenced my decision.  That said, if my husband had not been willing to step up to the plate and make things right, then no outside influences would have mattered.

I would not have been willing to save a marriage unless there had been remorse and rehabilitation. And there was both.  Because I was concerned about my self esteem and self respect, I set very high hurdles for my husband, none of which discouraged him.  He did everything that I was asked and even a little more.

I was very aware of rebuilding my self esteem and building myself up.  I did not want to always think that I had settled because I was afraid not to.  Because of this self-work, I never feel as though I was forced to stay or as though I didn’t have other options.  It was a choice.

I hope that this has helped some.  You don’t need anyone’s permission for any choices that you make after a spouse’s affair.  Not wanting to get over it is valid. You know yourself better than anyone else.  You know what you are willing to recover from and what you are not.  For me, my feelings did change over time. But perhaps because of my kids, I was willing for that process to happen.  I eventually became open to it.  And I realize that this will not always be true for everyone. You can read more about that process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When your husband has cheated on you, it’s very easy to direct most of your rage and anger toward the other woman. After all, she’s convenient. You probably don’t have to look at and interact with her every day (while the same is not true for your husband.) And, she deserves it. Most people agree that a woman who cheats with a married man is not exactly virtuous or above criticism. That’s why it can be hard for wives to understand why the husband doesn’t agree (or even join in) when there are very harsh words said about the other woman.

You might hear it expressed this way: “I find the woman who my husband cheated with deplorable. She knows me. She knows that I am struggling with my ill mother and she knows that my husband’s job loss has put a lot of stress on our family. She knows that my family is very vulnerable right now and that, with all that is going on, I’m just juggling things as best as I can but I am struggling just the same. Instead of offering me a helping hand, this woman cheated with my husband. What kind of low-life does this? What kind of unfeeling monster can see her friend treading water and not throw a life raft but instead attempt to ride off in the sunset with this friend’s husband? To me, the other woman is a hideous, deplorable, cruel creature who is no better than a common thief. She is uneducated and stupid. She is not attractive and is overweight. But when I say these things, my husband doesn’t automatically agree with me. He basically just stares at me blankly. He seems to understand that he shouldn’t defend the other woman. But he also seems to refuse to say anything negative or bad about her. Why? Does this mean that he thinks that she is an honorable person above reproach, because that is obviously not true? Does he still want to be with her? I don’t get it.”

Pondering His Thought Process: Obviously, any guesses that I make here are going to be just that – guesses. I can’t guess as to this husband’s mind set. But I can base any theories on comments that I usually get from married men in this same situation.

Many of these husbands will say that they don’t think that it is going to do them any good or benefit them in any way to talk about or debate the other woman. They are afraid that you are going to twist their words around or are going to become angry with them no matter what words they use. So, they figure it is more beneficial to them not to say anything at all.

They often don’t completely appreciate how their silence is almost worse than any words that they could say. Because they underestimate how you will sometimes assume the worst even when they don’t say anything. I suppose that it is possible that he might feel defensive of the other woman. I suppose that he may know in his heart that he pursued her somewhat or that she didn’t set out maliciously to hurt anyone. But I don’t think that you should just assume this.

Evaluating His Silence: His silence doesn’t necessarily mean that he still wants to be with her or that he thinks that she is a wonderful person with a good character traits. He may not be sure exactly what he is feeling or what he thinks of her, so he keeps silent. Or, he may actually agree with you, but think that it would be wrong of him to just pile on. He may also not be saying anything because he worries that your words for her may also be the words that you have for him. And he is afraid or reluctant to hear those words.

Whatever the reason, if you need to hear more from him in this regard, then you may want to speak up. You may not have success with demanding that your husband speak poorly of her. But you might want to try something like: “I can’t help but notice that every time I express a negative opinion about her, you stare at your shoes and refuse to say a word. This bothers me. Since you say nothing, I end up assuming that deep down, you are almost defending her. Or, I assume that you think that she is a wonderful person who acted honorably. This is so hard for me.  I don’t understand this. Can you help me out and share with me why you clam up every time I talk about her?”

The hope is that he will speak honestly, or at least try to. This may not happen all at once, but at least you would have encouraged him to communicate verbally because you’ve told him that you need more. It’s common that as the tension begins to lessen and he feels more safe and secure in speaking, you will see him open up more and more.

I do understand why you feel a certain betrayal when he doesn’t agree with you. I get it.  But I’d suggest trying to take the focus away from her and placing it onto yourself.     You can read more my own healing process after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  People sometimes email me and ask for my thoughts on religious beliefs concerning affairs.  I have to be honest and say that I typically don’t equate the two together. I understand that some couples stress having a Godly marriage and wanting to conduct their family life in a way that is based on God’s will and love.  But in terms of an affair, I always feel like it is the result of the free will of an individual.   This is only one person’s biased opinion, but we all face temptations in life.  And many of us draw on our faith to turn away from those temptations, which is comforting and honorable.  But when a person choses to have an affair, they are, at least in my opinion, making their own choices.

That’s why I struggle when I get correspondence like this example. A wife might say that her husband is telling her that God somehow put the other woman into his life or that the affair was somehow God’s will.  She might say: “my husband and I are both pretty religious.  In the past, when we have had struggles put in our path, we have suspected that God was testing us in some way or trying to teach us some lesson to strengthen us.  We have always gotten through these struggles and I do have to admit that I think that they have strengthened us.  But in regards to my husband’s affair, I am having a harder time.  He feels that my God put this other woman in his life for a reason.  He feels that in some ways, the relationship has inspired growth in both of them.  He understands why I am angry and she says that he is sorry.  But he also says that at least something good came out it because the relationship did offer something to both people.  He says that sometimes people come into our lives at the right time and this is the case with this other woman.  He says that even though it is now over, he can see the usefulness of it. I do believe that God has a reason for all things, but I just can not go there with this affair.  I think that my husband is using this as a convenient excuse.  I have been a good wife and have never given my husband a reason to cheat on me.  I believe that I have lived my life in such a way that I do not deserve this.  And I honestly believe that God would agree with me. Am I off-base here?”

I don’t believe that you are off-base.  I can’t pretend to be an expert on religion because I most definitely am not.  And I won’t criticize anyone’s religious beliefs.  I can only tell you that in my opinion, we all ultimately have free will.  Even if you ultimately believe that God (for whatever reason) brought this woman into your husband’s life, he could have been in her life in a way other than affair.  I don’t believe that God puts everyone in our life for romantic reasons.  Some are friends.  Some are mentors.  Some are acquaintances.

Your husband had a choice as to what type of relationship it was going to be.  And how you respond to this is going to be up to you. Certainly, your faith can help with this.  It can provide comfort during a trying time.   Many couples prefer faith-based counseling after an affair.  I believe that whatever works best for both people can be fine.  But I am not sure that using faith as an excuse is in every one’s best interest.  It may keep you from facing realities that need to be faced.  And it may make you feel resentful (or you may suspect your husband of using his faith as an excuse.)

If you are in counseling (or considering it,)  I would leave this issue up to the professionals.  You may be tempted to call your husband on this, but he may just argue with you or even cling more tightly to his reasoning.  A third party is usually more effective in pointing out errors in his thought process because they truly have no agenda.  They do not have a horse in this race.  So he is more likely to listen to their opinion over your own.

It’s a romantic notion that a higher power (or even fate) puts important people in our path.  But I believe that we make our own choices on how to react to that path. And if we already have the most important person of all in our life – our spouse.

I admit that I am very biased about this because I’ve had to deal with infidelity in my own marriage.  But I have found that healing requires the accepting of responsibility.  And it is concerning when someone blames anything other than their own choices for the infidelity.  You can read more about my healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  When we find out that our spouse has been cheating, we know that we should momentarily close out the world and focus on what is inside of our own home.  We know that we should close ranks and worry only about what WE think and what WE want.

But this is easier said than done.  It is just human nature to worry about what others think of us – especially if those other people are friends or family members who we love.  And so this worry can sometimes influence our decisions when it comes to the aftermath of the affair.

Someone might explain a situation like this one: “my family is very close.  And by ‘family,’ I mean the immediate family of my wife and myself.  We don’t keep secrets and it seems that every one knows every one else’s business.  I recently found out my wife had a brief affair.  She is very apologetic and I still love her.  I worry about what would happen to my children in the event of a divorce.  I have only confided to one person about this – my childhood best friend.  But his response has me very troubled.  He said there is an unfortunate name for men who take back cheating wives – cuckold.  He also had some other choice words like whipped, pushover, etc.  Essentially, he was telling me that a man who allows his wife to cheat on him and then take her back is a man who has no self respect, backbone, or common sense.  This makes me pause.  Because I don’t want everyone to think this of me.  Right now, I have not shared this with our families and I really did not plan to.  But I figure that things like this have a way of getting out – especially in my family.  So I’m worried that this is what everyone else is going to think of me.  It’s bad enough to struggle with my marriage, but I’m not sure if I can deal with that plus the idea that no one is going to respect me because I chose to stay.”

I understand.  The thoughts and feelings of others did cross my mind when I was trying to make a decision about my own husband’s affair.  It weighs on you.  I don’t see how it can’t.  We all like to pretend that we do not care about what others think of us. But it’s just a natural and normal part of human nature to want other people to respect us and to think highly of us.

And this thought process wouldn’t really matter if we were talking about a small matter – like hobbies or interests.  But we are talking about something very serious like our marriage and our children’s family life.  This decision will have extremely far – reaching implications.

The thing is, your marriage (and your decision regarding it) are not really going to affect your friends and your family.  Sure, if you divorce, it may be awkward at holidays for a while. But it is not going to affect their day to day life and their future in the way that it is going to affect yours and that of your children.

So, what is most important is what YOU think and what your spouse thinks.  You may choose not to tell everyone.  You may want to keep this private and between the two of you.  What really matters is whether or not YOU think that you are a cockhold, wimp, or spineless – or all of those other phrases that people use when they are being insensitive and only thinking about themselves.

I can’t tell you what to think or how to feel.  But I can tell you that in my own case, one way that I tried to get around feeling like a pushover was to require things of my husband.  I do not think I could have slept very well at night if I would have just blindly taken my husband back without requiring lots of remorse, rehabilitation, and healing.  He had ALOT of work to do before I would even talk about staying put.  He had ALOT to prove to me before I made any commitments to him at all.

I did not always make it easy for him.  But I wanted some proof that he thought our marriage was worth the hard work and the requirements.  This gave me the confidence that I was making the right decision and it let me know that I didn’t just blindly take him back.  The rest of the story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Nothing says you have to share everything right now.   There’s enough to process without adding the opinions to others into the equation.

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