Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: If your best friend were to tell you that she was struggling emotionally after her husband’s affair, I’d be willing to bet that you would be extra loving, supportive, and gentle toward her. You’d likely tell you that she should be kind to herself and to take her time in trying to sort through this. Most people would never rush their friend or tell her that she needs to toughen up and move on.

And yet, when an affair happens to us, this is exactly what most of us will do. Even though we would show friends, family, and even complete strangers unconditional kindness and patience in the wake of an affair, we are rarely able to give the same to ourselves.

The vast majority of us will beat ourselves up, will hurry ourselves, and will tell ourselves (and others) that we just aren’t managing quite well enough. Most of us feel overly-emotional and somewhat weak. Someone might describe it this way: “I mean no disrespect to my husband, but quite honestly, I have always been the strong one in my marriage. My husband has always been the emotional one and I am always the stoic, rational one who runs on logic and not feelings. I am always the one who can be counted upon to use my common sense and to not to allow my emotions to cloud my judgement or to get the better of me. But now that I have found out about my husband’s affair, I find that I’m expressing emotions like never before. I can not stop crying. I can not concentrate on every day things. Little things that I would never have noticed before set me off. I get overly emotional about stupid things of no consequence. I will tell myself that I need to toughen up and that I will get through this like I get through everything else, but so far this little pep talk isn’t working. How do I become more stoic? This just isn’t like me.”

I know how you feel. I too was frustrated with my feelings and my behavior after my husband’s affair. I didn’t feel as if I could control either. And this wasn’t like me. But I know for sure that most of us are just too hard on ourselves during this difficult time. Because let’s face it, you’re not experiencing your emotions the same as normal because things are not the same as normal. It is not every day that you find out your husband is having an affair. This is an emotional punch in the stomach. It can take quite a while (and a lot of healing) to be able to regain your footing. Because of this, it’s harsh to expect yourself just to be able to shake it off. It’s unrealistic and it makes you feel as if you are doing something wrong when you are not. It makes you feel as if you are not being strong enough when that just isn’t true.

Nonetheless, these feelings of being out of control can take a toll on you. There is relief in reigning them in a little. So below, I will offer some tips that helped me a little bit in this regard.

Give Yourself Set Times To Let It All Out: Honestly, I found that the harder I tried to reign in my feelings or to deny them, the more likely they were to come out. It is like when you’re a kid and you get punished and your parent screams at you to “stop crying.” What happens then? You start crying even harder, of course.

That’s why I think it is helpful to give yourself the opportunity to let it all out on a regular basis. If you try to hold it in, then it is going to demand to be let out. And this can contribute to that “out of control” feeling.

I found it helpful to either set aside time to journal, to talk to someone, or to even scream into a pillow or two. To be honest, I was very careful about who I confided in. I just did not want for well-meaning friends to constantly quiz me about my situation. I did not want them to change their opinions about my husband because I knew that, because of my kids, he would always be in our lives. But I did have a few people who I confided in and I did see someone professionally for a while.

Having this type of outlet on a regular basis is invaluable. Because you know that there will be a time and a place to let it out, you hopefully will not be as apt to let it out all of the time.

In addition to having a regular outlet, the passage of time is a comfort and helps with perspective. You begin to realize that the days still come, the sun still rises, and the world keeps going. One day, you look around and realize that despite it all, you are still OK and that you have endured. Don’t be hard on yourself.  You are plenty strong and tough.  You just need to be gentle with yourself and give yourself the same compassion you’d give a friend.

I know that it’s not easy. I struggled too. But I’m still here. I’m fine. My marriage recovered. It gets better. Once healing starts and you have a regular outlet, you tend to find your footing and you find your feelings regulating, at least in my experience.  There’s more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Sometimes, I get correspondence from the faithful spouse who is struggling to understand their spouse’s reasoning for having an affair. I completely understand this.  I struggled with understanding also.  And I feel that much of the time, the faithful spouse has a very hard time understanding this because it is not something that they would ever do themselves.

Now, I know that many people who end up having affairs also thought that they would never have one.  In fact, I believe that most people do not set out to have affairs.  But I believe that some people are more vulnerable than others.  I also believe that some people are less vulnerable than others.  For example, my personality type is such that even the idea of this type of wrong-doing would create so much anxiety in me that I would never want to carry out an affair.  Simply put, the guilt and the turmoil would surely cancel out any pleasure or excitement that an affair would offer.  I am prone to anxiety, which means that I almost never seek out situations which would cause more anxiety. That’s why it was very hard for me to understand why my husband could experience the exact opposite.

And I know that I’m not alone.  I get a good deal of correspondence from wives who say things like: “I honestly do not get why someone would even want to have an affair.  You turn on the TV and you see these politicians and these celebrities who have been caught cheating and they are shamed and their lives are ruined.  Most people with any sense know that having an affair will never turn out well.  They know that no good can come out of it.  And they almost always want their spouse back once the affair is found out.  They often have to work very hard and to literally beg their spouse not to leave them and to take their family.  There’s always so much pain and turmoil after the affair is discovered.  That’s why I don’t even understand why someone would even want to have an affair.  Can someone please explain it to me?”

I can tell you some theories based on things that I’ve been told by others who have had an affair.  But I have to tell you that the reasons still may not make total sense to you.  While I can follow the thought process in most cases, I still can’t completely understand it, as I myself would stop short of pulling the trigger, so to speak.  But that doesn’t mean that we should not try to understand what we are dealing with.

He Doesn’t Want To Expose His Spouse To A Different Side Of His Personality:  Some faithful spouses are doubly shocked.  Because not only do they learn that their spouse has cheated, but they also learn that he’s been participating in things that are just not typical of him.  He may be unleashing some part of his personality because he’s either ashamed, embarrassed, or otherwise not inclined to share this part of himself with his spouse.  So when the opportunity to unleash this part of himself presents itself, he does not resist.

He’s Looking For A Risk (Or To Create A Sense Of Excitement) To Divert Him From What Is Really Going On:  Many people get into ruts at some point in our lives.  Some of us have to deal with a life crisis. Many of us take up a new hobby, volunteer, or take an honest look at our lives and make adjustments.  But there are individuals who do nothing but try to “escape” from their problems.  And make no mistake, that is exactly what an affair is – an escape.

It’s Nothing More Than An Ego Boost:  I often think that in many cases, an affair has to come along at precisely the right time for many people.  Folks who wouldn’t otherwise think of cheating are caught at a time when they desperately need affirmation or an ego boost.  For whatever reason, it’s a time in their life where they start to doubt or feel badly about themselves (this often comes with aging, but a number of issues can come into play.)  And then along comes this person at precisely the right time who is giving them exactly what they think that they need.  So they find the affair to be irresistible and they think that it won’t last and that no one will find out.

They Are Looking For A Passive Aggressive Way To “Show” Or Hurt Their Spouse: I have listed this one last because I think that it’s probably the least-likely scenario listed here.  But sometimes, there is simmering anger in a marriage.  The spouse who ultimately cheats is angry or hurt – even if he doesn’t discuss it or even realize it.  So his way of addressing the situation or of lashing out is by cheating.  It’s his way to “show” his spouse that if she is going to treat him badly, then he can find someone else to treat him well.  The great irony of this is that often, he has no intention of his wife ever finding out about the affair so he is theoretically not going to “show” her anything.  But I suppose that in his own mind, this makes him feel as if he has done something to even the score, even if he may be the only one who knows it for a while.

As I said before, these reasons may not inspire “aha” moments in you.  Some people would never cheat no matter what.  If you are one of those, (as I am,) then it may be hard to allow your brain to go down these paths.  Unfortunately though, statistics tell us that plenty of people DO understand this.  Because plenty of people cheat.  And plenty of people who never thought they could ever be unfaithful ultimately are. So sometimes, thoughts and feelings become intentions and actions.

I know that it may not seem like it now, but none of these reasons have to stick around.  Many people can be rehabilitated if they are willing to work extremely hard.  My husband had his own reasons for cheating (and I fully admit that I will never completely understand them.)  But I’m also confident that it won’t happen again.  It took a lot of time and hard work to get to this place.  But we both feel that it was worth it.  You can read  more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  There’s no question that even being in the same room can be a challenge after your spouse has an affair.  Communicating with any sense of efficiency or courtesy can feel almost impossible.  And this is understandable.  You’re angry.  You don’t want to hear anything that he has to say.  He may sound incredibly condescending and indignant to your ears.  And you may sound self righteous and impatient to his.

You may well know that you are going to have to communicate.  But it can seem to be an impossible task.  Someone might explain: “every time my husband and I open our mouths, we argue.  We are both guilty of having very sharp tones with one another and very little patience.  He can ask me to pass the salt at the dinner table and to my ears, it can sound as if he has insulted me because of the tone of his voice. It infuriates me and it takes everything that I can do not to get up from the table in anger.  I can’t imagine us having any sort of meaningful conversation that involves courtesy or give and take.  The sound of his voice infuriates me.  The fear of what kind of nonsense he’s going to be spewing makes me just want to turn away and not even hear what he’s going to say.  I don’t want to end my marriage, really.  I’ve worked too hard at it and we’ve built a life together that I’ve worked very hard to build.  I don’t want to just surrender it because my husband made a very stupid mistake.  At the same time, though, I can’t imagine being able to work this out if we can’t even talk about what to have for dinner without being at each other’s throats.”

To A Certain Extent, Time Can Help: In my experience, what you are going through is normal.  When you are this angry, that same anger is going to cloud every thought, every interaction, and every conversation.  In many situations, you just have to give it some time.  It’s exhausting to hold onto the anger day after day and over and over, so it eventually dissipates, at least somewhat.

Also, often in time, the apologies and the explanations come and you begin to believe that he feels some remorse and realizes his mistake.  That too, can help the anger to fade so that you can eventually begin to communicate somewhat effectively again.

Considerations About Getting Help Or Learning Other Strategies: Sometimes, couples opt to let a counselor help them to facilitate communication – especially where the affair is concerned –  because a third party can help you to do it effectively and can help you to side-step the places where you’re getting bogged down with the anger.

Other times, couples choose to wait to have the difficult conversations.  No one is going to tell you that you shouldn’t talk about the affair as soon as possible.  No one is going to tell you that communication isn’t absolutely vital.  It is.  But sometimes, effective communication just isn’t possible right away.  There is too much raw anger.  And no matter what is said, one or both of the parties are going to take it the wrong way or act hostile in return.

In these cases, it is sometimes best to stick to the very basics for a while until the anger begins to wane.  Your seeing the anger and the fighting right now does not mean that your marriage is doomed to fail.  It doesn’t mean that you will always fight this way or will never be able to move past this.  It is normal and it is a positive sign that you recognize the anger and see it as a problem.

You might try pausing before you speak with any malice or trying to remind yourself not to read negativity into everything your spouse says, but sometimes you have to save the hard topics for later or seek outside help for them.  No one said this is easy.  Having conversations about such heavy topics as an affair would be very difficult even for the most articulate couples in the very best of times.

You have every right to be angry.  And these conversations are very difficult.  Don’t beat yourself up for the outcome.  Just retreat when you need to.  Don’t let the fights escalate.  Try again the next day.  And if you need to, seek outside help.  We all want to feel better as soon as possible.  It’s important to remind yourself that this is normal. Tomorrow is another day.  Take a deep breath.  Don’t engage. And try again a little later as things calm down.

My anger always felt as if it was just about to boil over after my husband’s affair.  And yes, this lead to arguments and sometimes fights.  With time, as we healed, the intensity decreased and the communication increased.  It took work.  It took patience.  But it did happen.  If it helps, there’s more to read on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Finding out that your spouse has cheated on you is something that most of us will consider one of the most disappointing experiences that we will ever go through. We have put our trust in this person. We have invested much time and emotion into the relationship. We were faithful and we gave the relationship our all. When our spouse falls short and betrays us, it is devastating. But it is even more devastating if they do nothing to pick up the pieces or to clean up the mess.

A wife might explain: “I have not really even gotten a heartfelt apology from my husband for cheating on me. He pretty much shrugs his shoulders, says he messed up, and acts like our marriage is just over. I wanted and expected for him to fight for me. He hasn’t. He will concede that he made a mistake that will require him to move out, but he acts as if he’s going no further than making this statement. He told me that he knows he has to find a new place to live and will do so as soon as possible. Also, he cheated on me with a relative of one of the coaches on my daughters’ travel soccer team. Now, things are awkward with the coach and my daughter is embarrassed to go to practice. My husband acts as if this is our problem. He hasn’t made any effort to make this right, either. She is not his daughter, so he doesn’t seem to care. It’s like he’s perfectly content to just run away and not face up to what he did. It’s as if he doesn’t care enough about me to stick around and try to make amends. I’m disappointed on so many levels. How can I get him to try to make this right by me? Honestly, I am not sure if I’ll want to save my marriage or not. But, I’d sure like that option. I’d sure like to see him make an effort regardless of the outcome.”

Unfortunately, there are a couple of considerations that I have to bring up here. You probably already know that you can’t force someone to feel or do something. And even if you are partly successful with this, you often still don’t get what you really want – which is to know that he truly wants to make this up to you – (willingly and on his own and without force.) If he only takes action because you shame or guilt him, how genuine is it?

Another consideration is that very often, men won’t make any attempt to begin the healing process because they are attempting to get you to “give in” regarding your requirements. He is hoping that you say: “you don’t have to move out. We’ll work this out. I’ll show you that things can be OK if you just let me.” Men do this because they are afraid that you are going to endlessly punish them for the affair and “hold it over their heads” and so they try to disarm you right from the start. This might seem evil and cowardly, but it’s actually very common, even from men who are genuinely sorry and who know that they are wrong. Because it’s just human nature to want to move on instead of having to pay for something for the rest of your life. So, he’s trying to change the dynamics a little bit.

If you’re tempted to offer him some reassurance that perhaps this is something that can be worked out, know that what you say now might set the tone going forward. Try not to make concessions that you will regret. Really think about what you are going to require in order to make this right and don’t give any of that away. Because once you do, you risk feeling resentment later since you may believe that he got off easy and isn’t really sorry.

I can tell you from experience that one of the largest difficulties in saving your marriage after your husband cheats is truly believing that he wants you, is sorry for what he did to you, and understands what went wrong so that he will not repeat his behavior. But, if he doesn’t have to do any work in this regard, how can you have confidence in any of the above?

If you’d like to start a conversation about this, talk in generalities, but don’t make him promises that will let him off the hook. You might try something like: “this whole thing is so disappointing. Yes, the infidelity is disappointing, but frankly, what’s even worse than that is how quickly you’re willing to walk away without even trying to make it right again. Is our marriage not worth the effort to you?”

Notice that you never said he didn’t have to make any effort. You didn’t say that he didn’t have to try. You just said that you were disappointed that he didn’t even attempt to make even the slightest effort. After having this conversation, sometimes, you just have to wait. Because he is likely waiting to see if you are going to allow him an easy way out. When he sees that you aren’t, you will sometimes see more effort from him because his plan did not work.

If this wasn’t his strategy (and sometimes it isn’t,) he may just need time to process this. Many people are occasionally defensive or even very passive until the dust settles a little and their feelings go from flat to more realistic. But, waiting and / or trying to have an honest conversation are probably the best options. I don’t know of any way to “make” him want to make this right again. He has to genuinely want it for himself. This isn’t always immediate, so just because you are not seeing that now, this doesn’t mean that you won’t ever see it.

My husband did try to posture a little bit in the beginning. He was apologetic immediately, but once he felt the full force of my anger, he began to get defensive.  I had to make it clear that excuses weren’t going to sit well.  Read more if you like on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lerch: I get a decent amount of correspondence about revenge after an affair.  Sometimes, the faithful spouse wants to (or is considering) doing something to get revenge.  Other times, they are feeling the urge to want revenge but they are trying desperately to resist that urge because they know that it is not really going to help anything.

Other times, I hear from the cheating spouse who is scared of revenge or who thinks that they might be seeing vengeful behavior (even if their spouse denies this.)  Here is an example.  A husband might say: “I really can not effectively tell you how sorry I am that I cheated on my wife.  I really don’t know what I was thinking.  And in fact I probably wasn’t thinking clearly at all.  I believe that my children are the only reason that my wife did not leave me.  But although she’s still here, at times she looks at me with pure hatred.  Her opinion of me has obviously changed.  Where she used to respect me, now she acts as if I have low morals and am just a jerk.  She doesn’t really listen when I talk and half the time she rolls her eyes at me and doesn’t even try to engage me with conversation.  For the past three weeks, she has been spending a lot of time with a male co worker.  I didn’t say anything at first because she gets mad at me so easily.  Plus I thought it would hypocritical of me to insinuate that I don’t want her to have male friends when I am the one who had an affair.  But last night we were spending time with our kids and the guy called. So I lost patience and asked her about it.  She said that it was her job to train the guy at work and that they had become ‘close.’  She says he makes her laugh and feel good in a way she hasn’t for a long time.  I got flustered and asked her if she thought that the relationship had crossed a line and had become an emotional affair.  She got very angry.  She said that the last thing she would do is start up an affair considering how my affair pretty much ruined our lives.  She said that she was not that stupid.  But now I’m wondering if perhaps she’s started an emotional affair for revenge without even knowing it.  Is that possible?”

Anything is possible.  As a spouse who has been cheated on, I can tell you that there is a vulnerability there.  Being cheated on makes you doubt yourself.  It makes you wonder if anyone will ever find you attractive again.  It makes you wonder if everyone is going to see you as damaged.  So when a man show interest in you, allows you to confide in him, and boosts your confidence, this can feel like a relief.  It can feel as if it’s just what the doctor ordered.  And if your spouse gets jealous and insecure, well, perhaps he deserves it.

At the same time, I am only speaking for myself when I say that although I would have welcomed any attention, I would have never made my situation worse by actually cheating.  Our family life was so broken at the time that there was no way that I was going to add to my problems by adding another infidelity into the mix.  I was not in any state to be in any sort of romantic relationship.

I’m not saying that this is how your wife feels.  I can’t possibly know that.  However, I also can tell you that plenty of women have men friends at work, with there being nothing inappropriate about it.  Adults are capable of having friends of the opposite sex without cheating.  So your wife having a relationship with a male coworker doesn’t necessarily mean that you have anything to worry about.

Rather than accuse your wife of something that might not be true and making her feel defensive, I would place my focus on your marriage and your relationship with her rather than placing your focus on her relationship with him.  Because if you can work through the issues and strengthen your marriage, then you will have more confidence that you have nothing to worry about.  And your wife won’t have the need to get her emotional needs met elsewhere.

She may not even be consciously trying to do anything inappropriate.  She may just be finding relief in having someone to interact with.  And it may be nothing to worry about.  But, if it gives you a bad feeling, there is nothing wrong with trying to bump up your attempts to improve your marriage and to strengthen your intimacy as quickly as you can.  The sooner she is getting her emotional needs met by you, the sooner she will no longer need to get it from someone else, assuming that’s what is happening right now. That said, it’s possible that you are very sensitive about something that is innocent due to the affair.

So many issues that crop after the affair lessen or disappear once healing takes place.  Hopefully, that will be the case here.  I don’t think you ever go wrong with placing your focus on healing.  Much of the time, after you are successful, everything else falls into place.  At least that was true in my case.   You can read more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:   There is an assumption that a couple struggling with infidelity aren’t having much sex.  This may be because the person who was unfaithful isn’t interested.  Or because the faithful spouse is so turned off by the thought of her spouse sleeping with someone else that she has placed sex off limits.

The above scenarios do happen sometimes.  But the opposite can also happen.  The couple can actually increase the frequency of their sex.  This can happen for a couple of a reasons.  Sex can seem like a very effective way to say “I’m sorry” for the cheating spouse.  And knowing that your spouse still desires you and you can still have hot sex can be very reassuring for both spouses.  People are sometimes very judgmental of this, but frankly it is no one’s business.  If both parties are willing and it doesn’t cause any problems, then it really is up to the couple to decide how to resume their sex life.

Of course, sometimes it does cause problems or things are taken a little too far.  This can happen when the cheating spouse wants to turn up the volume on the sex life a little too much.  It can begin to feel as if sex is being used to fix all of your problems, which of course is unacceptable.  A wife might explain this type of situation: “I found out that my husband had been cheating about three months ago.  For the first month, I did not really speak to or spend any time with my husband at all.  But in the second month, we started communicating a little and one night we went out and one thing lead to another and we had great sex.  I mean we had the best sex that we have had in years.  I honestly did not think we’d ever have that type of sex again.  Of course, this has now happened countless times.  It seems that all my husband wants to do is have sex now.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it too.  But I don’t want for my husband to think that this has solved all of our problems or that we are now home free.   Sometimes, I will want to talk about our issues and what is his response?  He wants to have sex, of course.  Don’t get me wrong.  Being at this stage and having sex and being affectionate is better than not speaking.  But I am afraid that we are glossing over things.”

I totally understand your concern and believe that it is valid.  While having sex feels a whole lot better than fighting, if the issues are never explored and fixed, they will come up again sooner or later.  You can’t have sex all of the time.  Reality has to come to the surface at some point.  And when it does, it may not be the reality that you want until things are set right again.

However, making your husband see this might be tricky. He may see it as a rejection if you don’t explain the reasoning behind it.  And just abruptly cutting him off may cause him to misunderstand your intentions.  He may think that you are suddenly changing your mind or punishing him.  That’s why I think that it helps to be clear.

You might try: “as much as I enjoy our having sex instead of fighting, I worry that we may be using sex as a way to escape issues that are going to need our attention.  I’m not saying that I’m taking it off the table.  But I do want to balance it with working on issues that have either cropped up pre or post affair.  I think it’s fair that we agree to either go to counseling regularly or set aside some time each week where we will discuss things.  I worry that our having sex is causing us to gloss over the issues.  And I think that is a mistake because I don’t want the issues to come back to haunt us later.  Can we agree to this?”

I would think that most cheating spouses will agree.  While no one likes to regularly discuss something that is hurtful, every one should be able to tolerate it for the good and health of your marriage.  And frankly, your husband has it easier than many.  At least you are willing to give him physical affection.  Many wives withhold this afterward.  So he should hopefully be able to see that asking him to regularly work on your marriage is a request that is more than fair.

Just be clear that you’re very comfortable with the sex and are willingly giving it because you want to.  And be careful that you aren’t using it as an escape or diversion.  It actually is pretty common for couples dealing with infidelity to sometimes feel MORE desire instead of less.  You can both realize that your marriage is at serious risk and you can then imagine life without your spouse.  Naturally, when the love is still there, you want to do something to ensure that this loss doesn’t happen.  You want to feel close, desired, and accepted. This is natural.

I took sex off of the table for a little while because I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t just muddying the waters.  But everyone is different.  Everyone has a different journey.  You can read more about my own journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When your husband claims that the affair is over, this is really only the beginning of what you want. Sure, there is relief that it’s over. But you also want and need to believe that he is sorry and that he realizes how wrong and hurtful his actions were. Unfortunately, not every one has this need met. Some husbands hesitate to show how sorry they are. And others will claim not to be sorry at all. In fact, some will tell you that the affair actually had a positive or lasting impact on their lives, leaving their wives confused about how to react to such a hurtful claim.

Here’s an example. A husband might tell someone: “I know that having an affair was wrong. I never thought that I would cheat or jeopardize my marriage. I love my wife and am committed to her. But she wants me to denounce the affair and act like it was this awful thing. My wife wants me to act like there was nothing redeeming about it. That’s hard for me. It would require me to lie. Frankly, I had the time of my life during the affair. I have never felt so free and alive. It honestly was a life-changing event. It transformed me. And I am grateful. I know it has to end. And it has ended. But I truly did have the time of my life.”

A wife who hears this little speech would understandably be upset. Her response might be something like: “What am I supposed to do with this information? He’s basically telling me that the affair was the best thing that ever happened to him and that it improved and enhanced his life. And now I am supposed to believe that he’s walking away from all of that to live a boring life with me? How am I not supposed to compare myself and come up short? I wish he had never said that. I wish that I could forget it. But I know that I will never be able to forget. And I am not sure that we can save our marriage now that I have this knowledge.”

I completely understand. I think that most of us have ideas, images, or phrases that we fear we’ll never get out of our minds. I can’t guess at what your husband meant or intended when he told you these things. But I can tell you that people tend to change their perceptions of the affair in time.

Reasons That He May Be Inflating Things: It is very common for men not to allow you to see the full extent of their sorrow and their guilt until much later – when there is no need of posturing or pretense anymore. Sometimes, they need time to realize that they aren’t going to be successful with making exaggerated claims that are only meant to disarm you. Or they finally see how much they have hurt you and then the full brunt of their sorrow is on display.

Another thing to consider is that people tend to “build up” the affair in their own minds. They HAVE to do that in order to live with themselves. Because it seems pretty silly to take huge risks when you have a good wife for another woman who is truly nothing special. So the man has to build her up so that she is “worth it.” Eventually, once he has the luxury of time and distance, he sees her for what she truly is – pretty ordinary.

Encouraging Him To See Reality: It is up to you to decide if you are willing to wait for this change to take place or if you want to try to bring it on a little earlier by having a conversation about this. Of course, you can not control what your husband thinks or feels. But you can discourage him from posturing or romanticizing the affair by saying something like: “it’s very hard for me to tell if you truly feel this way or are just building the affair up in your own mind. I can only tell you that hearing you talk this way discourages me and makes me doubt what is ahead for us. Put yourself in my shoes. How would you feel if I told you that I had ‘the time of my life’ with another man? I am asking you to think about that and to be more sensitive in the future. If we’re going to save our marriage, we’re going to have to look forward and focus on one another. Talking about the affair with nostalgia or fondness is not in line with this. I hope that in time, you will realize that what I am saying is valid. And you will worry about my feelings as much as your own.”

This may get him to have those realizations that I talked about a little more quickly. Counseling may help his time frame even more.  And you may have to keep redirecting him when he’s being insensitive.  I found in my own case that the more I healed, the more sensitive my husband became.  That seems sort of upside down, but that was my reality.  You can read more about that process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Much of the time, when I hear from folks on the topic of the details of an affair, I hear from faithful spouses looking for a way to force their spouse to tell them everything. Or, I hear from the cheating spouse who wants to know just how much they have to disclose. There is usually a concern about the information hurting their spouse or actually making things worse.

It’s relatively rare for me to hear from cheating spouses who have absolutely no problems coming completely clean and willingly giving up all of the hurtful details. But it does occasionally happen. And it usually comes from people who don’t quite understand their own motivations.

Someone might say: “I cheated on my husband with a man who really doesn’t interest me in any way other than the sex. He really didn’t have any redeeming qualities. I realize that. And I didn’t tell my husband about the affair because I knew that it would come to a natural end. My husband caught me though. And unbelievably to me, he didn’t immediately kick me out or cut me out of his life. He says that he doesn’t know what he wants to do yet. But he says that in order to make a decision, he needs some information. He wants all of the details about the affair. At first I felt very uncomfortable about this. I didn’t want to hurt my husband about all of the details. But he continued to press me on them. And once everything started spilling out, I almost couldn’t stop it. I mean, I let everything go. I told him about how I got a second phone so he wouldn’t suspect anything. I told him about going to a hotel with the other man when I was supposed to be at my sister’s. I told him how I let the other man do things to me that I had never done with my husband. I have no idea why I gave up all of this information. My husband acted like he wanted it, but now I can tell it’s hurt him very much. The weird thing is, if he asked me for more details, I suspect that I’d let even more come out. Why? Why do I have no problems giving him the details that are going to hurt him?”

Well, this is only my opinion, but it seems that there are two potential possibilities here. One, perhaps somewhere deep down, you want to hurt, shock, or startle him enough so that he pays attention. Perhaps you had the affair because of pent up resentment, or your perception that your marriage was missing something. Maybe you are hoping that by sharing the details, this will wake you husband up and inspire him to take some action. Or, perhaps you want to hurt him in some way because you were harboring some resentments.

If this is true, you must know that betraying someone and causing more problems in your marriage is not the way to handle this. Sure, your spouse deserves the information that he is asking for. But there is a big difference between giving him the details that are going to allow him to know what he is dealing with and then saying things meant to hurt or shock him.

The other possibility here is that you suspect that in order for your spouse to be willing to move forward and perhaps to try to save the marriage down the line, you’re going to have to be truthful with him. I get this. As a spouse who was on the other side of this and was cheated on, I can tell you that the details can be very important to the faithful spouse. It can become very important to you to get all of the pieces of the puzzle.

But again, there’s a difference between wanting to be honest and wanting to be hurtful. People often ask me how much to tell their spouse. I believe that your spouse needs to know who they are dealing with, what they are dealing with, and how and why this happened. They need to be able to get a clear picture of reality.

But, you can do this without telling them about specifics in terms of sex and small details that do not matter – and will only cause pain. The sexual details with the other man is an example. Of course people who have affairs have sex. This is a given. And your husband already knows this, but pouring salt in the wound by being explicit and hurtful just isn’t necessary.

If you’re unsure as to why you might be freely sharing hurtful information, it’s important that you dig a little deeper. Understanding your motivations is part of healing. And it is part of making sure that this doesn’t happen again.  It isn’t always easy to understand what drives us at times like this. If you’ve considered all of the above and are still unsure, I’d strongly suggest having a counselor hear you out. In fact, that’s good advice regardless because often, we are too close to the situation to be able to see our motivations clearly. But understanding our motivations is vital to healing and to making sure that we don’t repeat the same disastrous behaviors.

Of course, you can’t take back the information that you’ve given your husband.  But be mindful the next time.  I am not telling you to be deceitful.  Not at all.  But I am suggesting that you ask yourself and how and what to say in order to give your spouse the information without also giving him the hurt.  You’re welcome to read more about my own journey  with processing these types of information on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I hear from a decent amount of wives who do not understand their husband’s choice of an affair partner.  There is a perception that the “other woman” is always going to be younger and prettier.  After all, if a man is going to risk his marriage or family to make a trade, isn’t he going to trade up?

This perception isn’t always correct though.  Some men seem to trade down.  What I mean by this is that some men have an affair with a woman that most will tell you is much less attractive than his wife.  At that point, there can be a question as to what, truly, is the point?  Why would a man risk all of this for a woman who isn’t even pretty?

A wife might put it into these types of words: “I am going to sound vain, but here goes.  I am attractive.  Every one tells me this.  Men still turn these heads to look at me several times per day.  I keep my body very toned.  I am careful about how I dress.  Since the day that we were married, people have said that my husband is very lucky to have me.  My husband says this also.  That is why it is so confusing to find out that my husband has been cheating on me with a chubby old woman with a face like a horse.  I am not kidding.  This woman is borderline hideous.  And I really do not get it.  How can he even stand to look at her, much less have sex with her?  How could he possibly rather have sex with her than with me?”

What I am about to list here are only my theories.  So please take them for what they are worth. These theories have been developed from my research and from the correspondence that I get on this blog.

The Pay Off Is Not Always The Sex: While it’s assumed that affairs are just about the sex that you aren’t getting at home, I’ve come to believe that this most certainly isn’t always the case.  Many people have affairs when their at-home sex life is pretty hot.  Why? Because the pay off is not the sex.

When I tell people this, I often get confused looks and blank stares.  If not sex, they seem to be saying, then what?  I find  most often, they are looking for a connection or a place to unburden themselves.  Sometimes when I explain this, the person that I am explaining it to assumes that this is true only for women who cheat.  After all, we’ve all known a wife who says her husband just doesn’t listen to her or doesn’t support her emotionally.  So when a man comes and listens to her and tells her she is special, well, we all know what happens next.

With more and more frequency, I see this happen with men. In a survey, 48 percent of men said that the primary reason that they cheated was emotional.  And get this: Only 12 percent of all of the men in the survey said that the other woman was more attractive than their wife.  I find these statistics so very telling.

It’s All About How She Makes Him Feel: It’s often not what the other woman looks like or what she does in the bedroom that allows her to get her claws into your husband. It’s the way that she makes him feel.  She often makes him feel important and heard.  She makes him feel worthwhile.  He may even know that she’s not that attractive – but her looks are not what is attracting him.  It is the way that he feels better about himself when he is with her.

He May Feel Unworthy Of You: Along those same lines, sometimes a man who knows that he’s not as attractive as his wife will actually feel a little more comfortable when he “trades down” so to speak.  He’s usually well aware that people say how lucky he is and this can create some insecurity on his part.  So when a less attractive woman makes him feel attractive by comparison, this can feel like a relief to him.  Because his self esteem has taken a hit before and now it has taken a boost.

By no means does having an affair with a less attractive woman make it hurt less.  It hurts just as much and it is just as damaging.  But it’s usually not that there is anything wrong with his eyes or his perceptions.  It’s just that he’s not evaluating the other woman on her looks.  He’s getting another pay off that has more to do with him than it has to do with her.

Since so many men are resistant to counseling or talking about their problems with their male friends, sometimes they find another woman who isn’t their wife (and who doesn’t seem to judge them or think less of them) appealing.  It may not even start out as an affair, but as he becomes more and more dependent on her emotionally, then it turns into something else.

I know that this is confusing and frustrating.  But don’t allow his mistake to change the way that you feel about yourself.  You are every bit as wonderful today as you were yesterday.  What you do regarding your marriage is up to you, but I found that keeping my self esteem intact was vital to making it through this. You can read about my journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I think it can be a mistake to assume that an affair only affects the husband and wife involved.  No, it can have very far-reaching implications.  Even if you choose to keep the infidelity to yourself (which is never a bad idea) it can still have implications on your relationship with extended family and friends – especially if your marriage may change as a result.  In fact, sometimes, these changes factor into whether or not you want to save your marriage at all.

Someone might explain: “I found out that my husband had an affair.  He swears it’s over and will never happen again. He is begging me not to destroy all that we have built.  But I made the rules of the game very clear to him when we got married.  There was no ambiguity about how I felt about infidelity.  It is what ended my first marriage and I have no patience for it.  So my immediate inclination is to kick him out and then file for divorce.  But after my mind goes to that, then I can’t help thinking about what that is going to mean for my step-daughter and mother-in-law, both of whom I love desperately.  I feel like my husband’s daughter is also my own child, in a way.  I am closer to my mother-in-law than to my own mother.  I don’t want either of them out of my life.  And yet, I can not imagine my husband in it.  My mother-in-law can tell that there is something wrong with my marriage.  I haven’t told her exactly what.  But she told me that whatever her son has done, he loves me deeply and will make it right if given a chance.  She says that in marriage, we have to just ride the tides and hold on sometimes until better days come.  I wonder if she would think the same way if she knew what her son did.  Anyway, I know that I should end this marriage, but part of me wants to stay in it, not for my husband necessarily, but because I adore his family. Is that crazy?”

I don’t think it’s crazy at all.  It means that you are fully aware that your decisions are going to affect people other than yourself.  However, only you can decide if your marriage can be rehabilitated to where it is a healthy situation for you.

I believe that marriages harmed by infidelity can be saved and rebuilt because I have done it, but I am fully aware that not everyone wants to do it or is successful at it.  Sometimes, marriages do end.  But, I don’t think that this needs to mean that your relationship with extended family also ends.

My father recently divorced a woman with whom I’d become very close.  But I have decided that although my dad divorced her, I did not.  I still proceed with her as I always have.  We still have lunch. We still go shopping.  I still call her.  She is as important to my life as she has always been.  Yes, we change our topics of conversations a bit.  We don’t discuss my father because that is none of my business.  But our relationship is based on much more than their marriage.  And my father respects that my relationship with her is about the two of us – not about the two of them.

I suspect that you would find it is the same in your situation.  Your mother-in-law may not stop loving you.  She may be able to separate the relationship between the two of you with the relationship you have with her son.  And, assuming you have a good relationship with your step-daughter’s mother or you maintain a cordial relationship with your husband, there really is no reason that you can’t remain a special person in your step-daughter’s life.  Yes, it would mean more work. But I believe it could be accomplished, so long as most people keep in mind what is best for her.  How is it not great for her to have as many loving adults in her life as is possible?

I’d like to make one final point.  I know that because everything is fresh, you might not even consider waiting to make a decision about your marriage.  But maybe you might consider that.  Because many people change their minds in time or open themselves up to at least trying counseling.  Even if you don’t want to save your marriage, the delay might allow you to maintain civility with your husband which might in turn make maintaining those extended family relationships much easier.

In short, I don’t think your relationship with extended family needs to influence your decisions with regard to your marriage. I think that you can give it time.  And I think that if you ultimately do end or pause your marriage, you can maintain those relationships if you work at it.  I think you can have both or you can pick and chose which you want to maintain if you handle this with integrity and love.

I don’t think you ever go wrong when you turn toward love.  And I do think that, more than any other time in history, people really do try to consider what is best for children today when they alter their own relationships.  Nothing says that you can’t proceed in the most healthy way possible, even after an affair.  That’s what I tried to do in my own situation, even though I ultimately saved my marriage.  You can read about the details my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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