Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many people intuitively know that probably the fastest and most effective way to save their marriage after an affair is counseling. (Well, I should probably preface that last sentence and say that most women intuitively know this.) For whatever reason, I find that overwhelmingly, women are more likely to be open to counseling than men. This is only my opinion and I am not relying on any scientific data to back it up. I’m not a therapist, but this is my perception of it. Men may well go to counseling, but they often are only there because they have to be.  Or because they know that they need to.  But some men refuse to go or are incredibly resistant.

A wife might describe this situation. “I believe that the only chance that we have to make our marriage work after my husband’s affair is working with a good counselor. I already know of such a person. One of my coworkers used a therapist with fabulous results. But my husband is all but refusing to go. He says that therapists always make the cheater out to be the flawed, bad guy. He says it is going to cost tons of money. He says he doesn’t want to sit there and hear what an awful person he is while I gloat about it. He told me that he will share his feelings and his motivations with me alone and that this should be good enough. He says that between the two of us, we are smart enough to get through this without bringing outsiders into our marriage. So I have tried it his way. But when he makes these revelations, I don’t know how to respond to them or follow up – which is why I feel we need some help. Honestly, I do not think that I will be satisfied without the counseling.”

I understand your line of thinking. I believe that counseling can be extremely effective. And I also believe that if you feel that you need it, then you deserve to get it. However, I do hear from a lot of husbands who feel exactly the way that your husband does. Many of them are highly resistant, which means that your husband’s feelings are not uncommon. So, it can be a huge challenge to get him to willingly participate. Below are a few things that you may want to try, as I have seen them to be effective.

Carefully Choose The Right Counselor: I know that this may sound like a lengthy waste of time. But frankly, some counselors have a way with reluctant men. People often assume that men want a male counselor. I do not always find this to be true. There are counselors of either gender that just have a way of putting every one at ease while being objective and fair to both people. And I believe that this is what men are looking for – someone who will at least listen to their side of things. Your husband might perceive that the counselor you already want is not going to be sympathetic to him. So it might be necessary to tell him that you are willing to interview several people in order to find one you both agree on. I know this seems tedious, but if that is what it takes to get him to go, then it’s probably worth it.

Allow Him To Start Out By Just Attending Your Own Sessions To Support You: I have seen this work more than once. If you truly feel that you want to start counseling, go on your own. Start individual work. You can ask your therapist to allow your husband to sit in on a session when the time becomes appropriate. And she (or he) can usually work in some issues where your husband can contribute to the session. Some men are willing to go if the session is about you instead of being about them or the marriage. And much of the time, they will see that it is not as bad as they feared. And they will see that the counselor is just trying to help and is not out to get them.

This allows your husband to see behind the curtain and to dispel their assumptions. And that can be an effective way to ease them into the counseling.

Allow Him To See What Is In It For Him: The next time your husband begins to list the reasons why he doesn’t want to go to counseling, you might try something like this: “well, I’ve said that you can help me choose a counselor that you are comfortable with and I stand by that. But I also think that you are not considering what is in this for you. If we have a counseling session once per week, then you might get some relief at home. I won’t always be peppering you with questions and accusations every day because I will know that I will get these things addressed at counseling. This will help me with my frustration and anger and eventually, things may be a lot nicer at home and between us. I can’t promise you that every minute of counseling will be a joy, but it should make life at home better and it should help us to make progress so that we don’t have to live this way for much longer. Don’t you think that is worth it? To put in some time once a week so that for the whole entire week after it, we’ll have some relief? I certainly think that this is worth it. Please take some time to think about it. I think if you go just once, you might see that it isn’t as bad as you think and is really helpful.”

Try to think of it this way. You usually only have to get him to go once in order for him to see that it is not as bad as he thinks and it isn’t based on someone just telling him how awful he is. Because once you can get past these fears and assumptions, you will usually find him to be more willing.

I do believe that ultimately, counseling is helpful.  It is not always fun.  But it often helps you see the things that you are not objective enough to see. Often, we are just too close to things because our feelings are too raw. However, I don’t think counseling is always the ONLY way to heal. But it certainly helps.  You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Do I Get My Husband To Want To Go To Counseling After The Affair? He Doesn’t See The Point

By: Katie Lersch:  It’s no surprise that many wives let out a few profanities when they discover that their husband has been cheating.  As someone who has gone through this, I can tell you that you truly are not even thinking rationally at the time.  Words fly out of your mouth that you may not even remember or that you didn’t even really intend.  You may be shocked to hear yourself; and yet, you can not stop.

You may later feel some regret because this display just isn’t like you, but most of us are able to forgive ourselves because of the awful circumstances.  The problem happens when our husband takes this opportunity to hold our reaction against us.  Here’s what I mean.  You may hear a wife explain: “I totally admit it. I called my husband awful things – ‘stupid’, ‘idiot,’ ‘@ssh@le.’  I mean, I really let the curse words fly.  And I never swear during normal times.  I am very soft spoken.  But I was enraged.  I just heard these things come flying out of my mouth.  At the time, I did not even regret them.  This is truly how I felt about my husband. But now he is trying to use this against me.  He is saying that one reason he cheated was that I always say disrespectful things about him and call him names.  And he says on the day that I caught him cheating, I was ‘verbally abusive.’  Now this is just absolute nonsense.  There have been times when we have fought when I told my husband that he was ‘stupid’ or ‘idiotic,’ but I did not call him those things.  And he has has said the same or even worse to me.  The ‘verbally abusive’ line is absolutely laughable. He says it with such conviction that he almost seems to believe it himself, but I don’t see how he could.  That is not a phrase that I would ever use to describe myself.  I think he’s just looking for a way to put the blame onto me.  How do I address this?”

Well, I think that how you address it depends upon the validity of the argument.  It does not sound very valid, but if it were, you’d probably respond differently than you might when there is no validity whatsoever.

Understand His Objectives: It’s also important to keep in mind what your husband is trying to accomplish and I think that you’ve partially hit the nail on the head.  He’s trying to posture to put you on the defensive so that some of the attention is taken away from him and from his mistake. He’s trying to feel at least some justification for his actions.  And, by calling you out when you verbally react, he’s trying to lessen your verbal reaction in the future, which is likely going to make things easier on him.

Understand What Works And What Doesn’t: If you’ve gone over this in your head and you’re sure that what he’s saying has no validity and you have no intention of holding back in the future, then you’ll perhaps want to draw a line in the sand. But I’d like to make one point.  I totally understand your thoughts and actions.  I too said horrible things to my husband after I found out about his cheating. But over time, I learned that the harsh conversations truly had no pay off.  All the harsh language did was to make him defensive and to make me angry.  So while it’s understandable to lash out momentarily, it truly accomplishes nothing in the long run. I got to a point where I journaled the nasty words and harsh language and took to being calm but cold when we discussed things in person.  I found that to be more effective in helping me to accomplish my objectives. But it did take time and practice to get to this point.

I’d suggest something like: “let’s not kid ourselves. You know that this type of language is not typical of me.  And it came only because of the circumstances.  I wonder what type of language you would use if the roles were reversed.  ‘Verbally abusive’ is not a phrase that anyone would use to describe me overall.  We both know that.  In the future, I will try to be more calm when we discuss this.  But don’t call me verbally abusive or act as if I am the one at fault.  We both know that neither of these things are true.  We both know that my reaction was understandable under the circumstances.  I’m not going to accept being called verbally abusive because it just isn’t true.  I know that tensions are high and we might both be just reacting to this horrible situation.  But calling me names that aren’t true isn’t going to help us. So let’s back off of this.  I won’t accept it and it won’t help you.”

It’s very common for cheating husbands to posture in this way.  They’re trying to position themselves in the best way possible to ensure that the fall-out is lessened.  This usually doesn’t work and it is not fair to you, but that doesn’t stop them from trying. It’s a normal reaction based on self preservation.  And they usually need reminding that you aren’t going to accept it in order to stop.

Believe me, I had to remind my husband over and over.  Once he came to understand that the posturing hurt him instead of helped him, he tapered off.  But I did have to keep reminding and redirecting for a while.  You can read more about how I eventually regained my footing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Right After I Caught My Husband Cheating, I called Him An Idiot, Stupid, And An @ss. And Now He Won’t Forgive Me And Says I Was Verbally Abusive

By: Katie Lersch:  Most of the time, when I get correspondence relating to this blog, it is from someone who is dealing with infidelity, but who is trying to maintain their marriage.  It’s rare for me to hear from someone who has no part in the marriage, but it does sometimes happen.  I do occasionally hear from “the other woman” who is feeling some sorrow or remorse.  Some of the time, she stops short of wanting to reach out to the wife.  She is just wanting someone to listen and she has no need for that person to be the wife.

There are times though when the other woman claims to feel this overwhelming need to communicate directly with the wife to give some sort of apology.  Here is what you might hear: “I can’t say that I had an affair with a married man.  I do not consider it an affair.  I had sex with a colleague when we were away at a conference.  It happened twice over the course of a weekend and never happened again.  I feel strongly that if we hadn’t been together in such close quarters with drinking involved, it would have never happened.  I’m not even attracted to the guy.  And I avoid him at work.  I am married also.  So I know how devastating this would be if it were my spouse who cheated.  I feel so awful about this that it is sometimes all I can think about.  I’ve met the other man’s wife briefly at work get-togethers and she is very sweet.  I can’t stop thinking about her and how sorry I am. I am facebook friends with her, but we are not close friends.  Based on some of her posts, I’m pretty sure that her husband either told her about the fling, or she found out about it from other co-workers. However, I’m happy to see that based on her current posts and photos, it appears that they are trying to work it out.  I yearn to apologize to her, but I am not sure of the best way to go about it.  How should I do it?”

I am going to try to say this in the most gentle way possible.  But as a woman who has been on the other side of this fence when I was trying to rebuild my marriage after cheating, I do not think that you should do it at all.

Why?  Because I can not see it helping the wife at all.  I do not see any up-side for her.  You say that it appears that she is trying to move on.  So what would your suddenly cropping up do for her?  It would bring back bad memories.  It might thwart her progress.  Sure, it might make YOU feel better to get this off your chest.  But your concern is for her, right?

If that is true, and you really and truly want to do what is best for her, my suggestion is to do nothing.  I know that this is not what you wanted to hear.  But I think it is best for her if you step back and to leave her and her husband alone.  If she feels a burning need to talk to you, then she will reach out.  But I think it’s best to respect her privacy and her marriage and to leave this in the past, where it belongs.

I can only speak for myself, but if the “other woman” had suddenly cropped up and expressed that she just wanted to tell me how sorry she was, I would not have welcomed this.  I would have seen no point in it and this intrusion would not have helped me or offered me anything other than frustration or awkwardness.  Of course, every one is different but I so rarely see encounters or interactions between the wife and other woman go well.  I almost never see this scenario accomplish anything positive.

It may make you feel better if you journal about why you are sorry and what you are doing in your own life to make this right.  What you may really be after is to be able to release your feelings.  There is a way to accomplish that without bringing anyone else down or involving anyone else.  Your sorrow is really yours.  And there is nothing wrong with expressing it to yourself.

Because I suspect that what the wife wants is not your pity or your apology.  She likely wants to move on with her life.  And when you suddenly pop up, she’s not allowed to do that.  She suddenly has to stop her momentum and revisit the past.  I can only speak for myself, but this sort of pause wouldn’t be welcome or healthy in my view. I suspect that if she wants to communicate, she will let you know.  Other wise, it is best for both families to try to move on and to deal with the people inside of their own homes.

You’ve said that there is nothing between you and the other man and that there never will be, so why dredge up something that is long over and wasn’t anything to begin with?

I completely understand wanting closure.  But I almost never see an encounter between the other woman and the wife accomplish anything but pain and anger.  Let it go.  She seems to be moving on.  Let her.   And be grateful that the damage didn’t end her marriage.  If you want to do something constructive, do some self work and figure out why you did this and make the necessary changes.  I probably don’t have to tell you that you never want to repeat this process.  You can read more about the healing process of a wife on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Want To Say I’m Sorry To The Woman Whose Husband I Slept With. How?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are really itching to contact the woman with whom their husband cheated or had an affair. Some know that other woman – even if she is only an occasional acquaintance – and others are strangers to her. But most can figure out how to contact her. And some want to actually speak with or write her a letter in the hopes that it will bring them closure and allow them to move on.

I might hear a comment like: “for the past three months, my husband and I have been trying to begin the healing process after his affair. Very slowly, I feel that we are beginning to make some progress. However, I am still very bothered about thoughts of the other woman. She works with my husband. I have seen her, but I do not know her personally. My son plays baseball with her son also so I also occasionally see her at the ball park. At first, I didn’t want to have anything to do with her. But lately, I have begun to entertain the idea of talking to her, or at least writing her a letter. I want her to have to look me in the eye and tell me just why she thought it was OK to cheat with another woman’s husband. And I want to know what my husband said about me and about our marriage. I want her side of the story. And I want for her to see that I am a real, breathing person with real feelings. I could easily wait outside of her office at the end of the day or I could approach her at the ball park. And if I lost my nerve with that, I could always send her an email or a letter. But I really want to look her in the eye. I am starting to believe that I need to contact her in order to get closure, but my best friend says that no good can come from opening this particular can of worms. Is she right? I feel like if I don’t contact her, then I will never be able to stop thinking about her.”

Why Contacting Her Often Gives You The Opposite Of Closure: Before I tell you my very honest opinion, I will tell you that not every one is going to agree with what I’m going to say. Some have called my stance the coward’s way out. But let me tell you why I have the stance that I do. Many people have approached me or written about this very topic. I always discourage them from contacting the other woman for reasons that I will outline below. Of course, some will still go forward and contact her anyway.  I can honestly say that very few come back and say that it went well. The vast majority and come back and say that it was a big mistake because they are more angry than they have ever been during the entire process. And many find themselves thinking about the other woman EVEN MORE than ever. When the goal is to get closure, I have to tell you that contacting her usually gives you anything but closure. And the reason for this is that she will often tell you things that (whether they are true or not) are upsetting. Sometimes, she wants to hurt you. And other times, she really isn’t trying to hurt you, but she is trying to paint herself in the best possible light and so she will make the husband out to be the aggressor.

Many wives envision this meeting with the other woman as a calm meeting in which she is apologetic and she promises that she will stay away. This so rarely happens. She will sometimes feel the need to explain herself and will get somewhat defensive because of this. And even if she doesn’t mean to, she might lash out and say hurtful things or give you mental images that might never come out of your head. And frankly, so many wives tell me that they replay the meeting with her over and over in their mind. If the whole idea is to move on, do you really need even more things to run through your head and ruminate over?

Alternatives To A Face-To-Face Confrontation: Here is my suggestion. Write a letter. Get everything out. Say everything that you want to say to her and then some. And then leave the letter for a week or so. See if just writing the letter helps to release your emotions. My ultimate suggestion is to burn the letter. Many therapists recommend this for closure in all kinds of situations.

If you absolutely feel as if you must have a say, then I highly recommend that you set it up so that the dialog isn’t endless. Send an email or letter so that you have the last word. If you must look her in the eye, say something incredibly brief and walk away. But honestly, this is not ideal. I have never, not once, gotten an email that said “confronting the other woman was the best thing I ever did. Because I looked her in the eye, I never think of her anymore. I am totally able to put her out of my mind now.”

Instead, I get things like: “what a piece of work that woman is. All she could do was tell me how I should have kept my husband satisfied. And then she had the audacity to tell me that she could get my husband back if she wanted and that she could end my marriage on a whim. She said my husband is only with me because of our kids. I was so angry I couldn’t even form a sentence. And I am still so livid. And now I’m thinking about all of the things that I should have said but was too stunned and upset to say. She’s even sent me a couple of sarcastic emails. What a mistake to let that crazy person into my life. What was I thinking? And now I can’t un-ring that bell.”

I completely understand wanting closure. But I can not stress enough how often this goes wrong. Seeing her and having it go badly can delay your progress by a lot. I believe that the best thing that you can do is to leave her behind as soon as possible. Why invite her into your life when your husband has promised to break it off? Now, you must break it off and that means moving past her. Write down your thoughts and feelings if you’d like but don’t bring her negativity into your life. I know that this might not be what you want to hear, but so often, contacting her brings the exact opposite of closure.  Frankly, I got closure once I realized that a while had gone by and I hadn’t thought about the affair.  But, if I had met with her, I can guarantee that my closure would have been delayed. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Should I Contact The Other Woman For Closure Only?

By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives whose husband has had an affair notice a severe change in attitude from their husband immediately after the affair and then a few months later.  Sometimes, a husband is loving and apologetic at first and then loses patience with always being the “bad guy” or being questioned, so he takes a harder stance later.

On the other extreme, you have the husbands who are indignant and unapologetic at first, but who soften and become more apologetic over time.  And although wives do tend to prefer the softer version even if it comes later, they often wonder if it is to be trusted.  The fear is that he saw that his hard, unapologetic act wasn’t going to work and now he’s trying another, insincere tactic.  Make no mistake. True remorse is EXTREMELY important to wives.  Because it indicates that he knows that he is wrong, which might be a good indicator that he is less likely to cheat again.

A wife might describe the skepticism this way: “the day I caught my husband cheating on me, I do not know who was more angry – him or me.  I was angry at what he did.  He was angry that I had been spying on him.  And he was adamant that he was not sorry.  He said that our marriage wasn’t a good one.  He said that he’d tried to tell me, but I never listened to him.  He said that he didn’t care what I did or how I wanted to proceed because our marriage is no longer important to him.  I moved out that very same day.  I didn’t want to see or hear from him again.  I am pretty sure that we both went to attorneys shortly after that.  Imagine my shock when a couple of days ago, he called to tell me that he had something that he wanted to tell me.  He asked me to just listen for a second.  He said that he had been in therapy and that this made him realize that he had been holding onto anger that had nothing to do with me and that he owed me a sincere apology.  He said our marriage wasn’t bad.  He said that it had some flaws, but that all marriages have flaws and that he overreacted.  He told me that he knows he can never ask me to forgive him.  But he wanted me to know that he was truly, deeply, and genuinely sorry.  He then asked me to lunch.  I admit that my curiosity got the better of me.  I went to lunch and he seemed sincere.  And we have gone out a couple of times.  Part of me is relieved and intrigued.  The other part of me wonders if the other woman dumped him or if he’s just lonely.  I can’t forget the mean things he said to me.  Can I believe in his sincerity? Maybe he found out from an attorney how expensive a divorce would be.  As far as I know, neither of us have started divorce proceedings. I am torn.  I want to believe that he’s sorry, but it’s hard.”

I can speculate as to his motivations, as you already are.  And I can tell you that a man changing his mind, his perceptions, and his reactions is normal. People lash out in the heat of the moment.  In a sense, he had a reaction that was similar to yours, although yours was more justified.   People tend to have strong reactions in the beginning and then calm down.  They also tend to do some posturing in the hopes that their strong reaction will scare you off of having high expectations from them.

The fact that the husband is in counseling makes his change in perception even more likely and is a good sign.  That is one major objective of counseling – to help you see and accept things that you may be missing because you are too close to the situation.

As far as the other woman, you would not be out of line to ask about her status.  Frankly, if I were in this situation, I would move slowly.  Right now, I think that it would be smart to take things day by day.  Maybe just continue on with the lunches and see if more information presents itself.

A reconciliation after an affair is something that shouldn’t be rushed and ideally happens only once you are absolutely sure that total and complete rehabilitation has taken place, the trust is restored, and both people truly want to be in the marriage again.

It’s too soon for all of these things to be present. But it may not be too late for him to start expressing remorse.  It’s not at all uncommon and it’s certainly better than him continuing to be unapologetic.  People tend to need time to process the full extent of their mistake and the true devastation that it has caused.   It is good that he realizes this and is sorry for it.  In the days to come, you can watch closely and continue to evaluate how you feel.  No one says you have to make any immediate decisions.  For now, focus on the fact that you’ve made progress and that he’s feeling the remorse that you deserve.

Frankly, I viewed almost all of my husband’s claims after his affair with a good degree of skepticism.  But over time, he proved himself to be sincere. There’s more about that journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Initially Refused To Show Any Remorse For The Affair. It’s Been Months And Now He’s Claiming To Be Sorry. Is This Genuine?

By: Katie Lersch: I think it’s fair to say that almost anyone would understand that a wife who is dealing with an affair is also probably dealing with a bit of insecurity.  Sure, you might hear your husband proclaiming his love for you and making claims that he wants to save your marriage and make things right.  But, how do you know that you can trust in what he’s saying?  How do you know that he is telling you the truth?  After all, he was lying when he was cheating.  So how can you be sure that he is not lying now?

And, as much as you want to believe in his flattery and in his reassurance, how do you know that he’s not just saying what he needs to say in order to make things better for everyone involved?  How do you know that his claims that you’re beautiful and still desirable ring true or if he’s just saying this so that you won’t feel so awful about the affair?

Because of all of these worries, it’s very normal to feel insecure.  You worry when he’s even a little late.  You worry every time you hear the beep of his cell phone. You even second guess every look or gesture that you experience from him.  Even when things are going well and things feel better, you ask yourself if what you’re experiencing is just an extension of wishful thinking.

This dilemma is so normal that it is more unusual for me to hear from people who claim not to experience it than from those who do.  Almost every one struggles with this.  And while it’s completely understandable, it can be hurtful in more ways than one.

The Numerous Ways That Insecurity Is Incredibly Destructive: First of all, it’s exhausting for you.  Believe me, no one enjoys feeling so insecure.  And it hurts the person experiencing it most of all.  But more than that, it can hurt the very relationship that is the cause of the insecurity.  Because people get tired of constantly having to reassure you.  And they may be completely sincere and loving in the beginning, with loads of patience.  But as time goes on, it’s just very draining to all involved.

A wife might say: “I admit it.  I’m an insecure mess after my husband’s affair.  The thing is: the other woman was young and beautiful.  If I was a man, I would be attracted to her also.  And she had trouble accepting it when my husband tried to break it off.  She continued to pursue him.  It was as if he – and the relationship – really meant something to her.  This hurts.  And it hurts to know that as far as looks and desirability go, I will never be able to compete with her.  And I will always worry that either her, or someone like her, is going to come along again.  Because of this, I always grill my husband.  I always go along behind him on the computer.  I always check his phone.  He was patient with this at first.  But the other night, he sat me down and he told me that I have to get over my insecurity because frankly, my being so ‘high maintenance’ as he calls it, makes him more likely to cheat in the long run. He says that I have to stop this, which hurts.  I understand it in a way.  But I feel as if I have a right to my insecurity. And I can’t pretend as if I don’t feel it.”

Letting The Insecurity Go For Yourself. For No One But You: I agree that the insecurity is understandable.  But I also know (from experience) that it destroys everything that is important to you.  And that it’s a heavy burden to carry.  I’d like to suggest, as gently and as lovingly as possible, that you try to build yourself up and let down the insecurity for yourself and not for him.  Because it will only benefit you to gain confidence in yourself.

I promise that this is beneficial in all sorts of ways.  It frees you from so many worries and it allows to drop the exhausting process of always feeling like you are not enough.  Admittedly, you don’t have her youth.  You are not her.  But you have so much more.  You have the history and the commitment of marriage with your husband.  You have life experience.  And you are your wonderful, unique self.

I have learned that the key is determining what makes you uniquely you and then celebrating that without apology.  No one else can possibly be you.  Every one is unique.  You can’t and should not compete with anyone else because it’s an impossible process.  We are all unique and special in our own ways and, ideally, we are with someone who realizes that. If not, at the very least, we need to realize it for ourselves.

So yes, I strongly encourage you to let go of the insecurity and to learn to appreciate how brilliant and special you are.  But not for you husband, for YOU!

After my husband’s affair, I realized that it was up to me to safeguard my own self worth.  No one was going to do that for me.  It did not come naturally to me.  I had to make a very deliberate effort.  I had to do things that seemed silly and indulgent at first, but which proved necessary and useful. There’s more about this process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I’m Insecure Because My Husband Cheated On Me. Now He’s Telling Me That My Insecurity Makes Him More Likely To Cheat. How Ironic Is That?

By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from people who are being told by their spouse that they shouldn’t blame themselves for the affair.  The cheating spouse is taking full responsibility and is encouraging the faithful spouse to take none of the blame.  While this can be reassuring, it can also be confusing. Because if your spouse wants you to believe that you did nothing wrong, then it’s really hard to understand why they would then cheat on you.

Someone might ask: “I am so tired of hearing ‘it’s not about you’ when we discuss my husband’s affair.  How can it not be about me?  He cheated on ME.  He decided to sleep with someone else instead of ME.  It is ME who has to feel the pain and know the betrayal.  How does a man who claims that his wife hasn’t done anything wrong cheat?  My husband keeps saying that it’s about him and not me.  But I don’t understand how this can be so.  And honestly, my husband is not the only guy who has ever said this to me.  My college boyfriend cheated and said the exact same thing.  Why do men who cheat always say ‘it’s not about you?’  What in the world do they mean by this?  Or is it all lies?”

Not All Cheating Men Take The Blame: First of all, I have to tell you that not all men tell the faithful person that they are not to blame.  In fact, many cheating men will actually blame the woman.  They’ll tell her that she didn’t give  enough attention or that she wasn’t adventurous enough in bed.  They’ll claim that they tried to allude to unhappiness, but she refused to listen.

So, although it may seem like all cheating men tell the woman it isn’t about her, I promise that this isn’t the case.  Some men are more than happy to shift the blame to someone else.  I don’t say this because I deny that it’s frustrating to hear him speak in riddles or generalities, but it is reassuring that he is at least taking responsibility.

What He May Be Trying To Communicate To You: As far as him telling you that it isn’t about you, here is what I think men are trying to say when they make this assertion. I dialogue with some of them on my blog and it seems as if they want you to know that you’re both dealing with their own flaws and not yours.   He knows that you did nothing wrong, were a good wife, and did not give him a legitimate reason to do this.  He may also know that there is never really a legitimate excuse to cheat on someone and to break your marriage vows.

Men who tell you that it’s not about you have stumbled upon a universal truth, although some of them may not realize it.  People cheat because of flaws and lack within themselves, not within their loved ones or spouses.  They cheat because of various reasons that have everything to do with them – poor impulse control, poor judgement, low self esteem, an attempt to deal with perceived inadequacies, and the list goes on.  Notice that all of these reasons are tied into their inadequacies and not yours.

It’s easy to blame yourself and we all tend to do this. But we shouldn’t.  It’s normal to put your marriage under a microscope after your spouse has an affair and to see every place where you think you went wrong or weren’t good enough.  It’s easy to criticize your looks or your relationship skills.  But when we do that, we discount the fact that men in admirable, stable, and happy marriages cheat.  We discount the fact that men with wives who look like fashion models cheat.

And they do so because they are trying to quiet a flaw or an issue within them.  In some cases, they do not think that they deserve their wife.  They do not feel worthy.  So they are telling you the truth when they say it’s not about you.  Because they are fully aware that it is about them.  They know that they went looking for relief in the wrong place.  And they either care about you too much or they have a bit too much integrity to allow you to take the blame for something that they did and that was all their fault.

So that is it what they mean when they say that it isn’t about you. They know that it’s about them.  They aren’t telling you that it’s not your problem (and they know that you will BOTH have to deal with it.)  But they don’t want for you to blame yourself.

Wives often tell me that they know that this should make them feel better, but it doesn’t. There is nothing easy about recovery from an affair, no matter who was at fault.  It can be a very difficult process.  But at least don’t make it more difficult by blaming yourself.  Take him at his word and accept that you are not at fault. You can read more about my own recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Do People Who Cheat Always Claim “It’s Not About You”

By: Katie Lersch:  People can assume that wives who have trouble getting over their husband’s affair truly don’t want to get over it.  There is an assumption that you, as the wife, are making a choice to dwell on it.  Perhaps you always want to have this reason to berate or to be angry at your husband.  Perhaps you are not ready to stop being miserable.  Whatever the reason, the perception is that if a wife doesn’t move on in the time that people deem appropriate, then she is almost to blame her for this and she must prefer living in the past.

What these people do not understand is how hard it is to believe that it’s appropriate and safe to move on.  If you have never been on the receiving end of a marriage hurt by infidelity, you can’t possibly know how awful this feels and how hurtful it truly is.  You can’t possibly know how you live in fear of having to go through this again.  And that can be one very big reason why you have trouble letting go.  You are afraid that the very second you let your guard down, you are almost giving him the green light to cheat again – at least eventually.

And that is why you might find yourself always checking up and always second guessing – even if the last thing you want to do is to continue reliving the affair.  You would give anything to not have this be a part of your life, but you can not seem to stop.

A wife might describe this situation: “we are about six months post-affair.  I can honestly say that I am mostly pleased with our progress.  When we first started trying to heal, I admit that I truly thought we might end up divorced.  I admit that I suspected that in six months, we might be living apart.  The fact that we are still living together and still trying to make it work feels like real progress to me.  However, as hopeful as I am, I find myself still checking up on my husband.  I am always looking for evidence of new cheating.  I wait for him to go to bed and I check out his computer.  I look at his phone every time he puts it down and leaves the room.  I’m constantly examining his behaviors.  And all of this is exhausting.  Because sometimes we will have a lovely day and I find myself truly happy.  But then he might go to the bathroom or something and I see his phone.  And I can’t not check it.  But when I do, the mood is ruined – even when I find that there is nothing remotely suspicious on his phone.  Why am I still digging for evidence in this way?”

Being Afraid To Let Down Your Guard: I will certainly give you my theories because I went through this also.  I think that we dig for evidence because we are scared to be complacent.  Perhaps we are working on restoring the trust and we are making progress, but we don’t yet feel safe enough to trust so much that we let our guards down – not just yet anyway.

What Is Truly Stolen: You have touched on something that perfectly demonstrates what an awful habit this can become.  When you said that looking at the phone ruins the mood and a perfectly good day, you demonstrated the real problem with this type of evidence-seeking.  It keeps you from living in the moment and enjoying it.  And it keeps you from just letting go, which is necessary in order to feel safe to heal.

Observant, But Not Searching: I would never encourage you to just blindly trust.  That’s very difficult to do. Full restoration of the trust takes time.  I would be lying if I told you that when I get a hang up call from a sales’ person, I don’t initially worry about infidelity – at least momentarily. Unfortunately, that is hard wired into me because of the past.  I can’t completely erase it.  But the distinction is that I do not act on it.  I stop myself and tell myself that it was likely an automated sales pitch.  I remind myself that my husband has given me absolutely no reason to be suspicious. (If he had, then things would certainly be different.)

My stance on this is that I will always be very observant.  And I don’t think that it would be fair or realistic to ask me not to be.  But, I am also a realist.  And I know that if I take things too far, I am going to hurt my marriage and I am going to hurt myself because I can’t relax and enjoy my life when I am overly vigilant.  I also accept that infidelity has a way of coming out without my needing to go snooping.  If it were to happen again, I’m pretty confident that I would catch it as I did the first time.  Therefore, there is no need to continue to injure myself and my marriage by acting like a detective in my own home.

That doesn’t mean that I’m not observant and aware.  But it does mean that I believe that it’s in my best interest to let that burden go until my husband gives me a reason not to.  Doing so is a huge relief.  And I’ve never had a reason to regret it. You can read more about my recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Am I Still Digging For Evidence After My Husband’s Affair?

By: Katie Lersch:  When it appears to you that your husband is actually happy with the other person in the affair, you can begin to feel fierce resentment.  Because from your perspective, they are getting everything.  They seem to be in love, they can move on with their life, and they may well live happily-ever-after why you are left to clean up the mess.

Because of this, it is normal for the wife to wonder if there will ever be any price to pay for the people who cheated.  She wonders if this is ever going to come back to haunt them. She wonders if they are ever going to feel regret or if their relationship is ever going to suffer because of the way that they met.

Someone might say: “from my perspective, my husband and the other woman have it all.  They claim that they are very much in love.  Her family seems to have welcomed my husband with open arms.  He gets to leave all his responsibilities behind and go and play house with her. It just isn’t fair.  When I talk to some of my friends about this, they tell me that karma will take care of this.  They tell me that their relationship is doomed to fail – or at least to be very negatively impacted by their actions.  Are they right?  Will the other woman and my husband suffer in any way for what they have done?”

Statistically Speaking, Their Relationship Is Up Against Unfavorable Odds: You are assuming that this relationship is going to make it.  Statistically speaking, most relationships that start as affairs fizzle out.  Sure, some people who cheat with each other do get married.  But the baggage from this situation usually follows them.

Here’s a story that might give you some perspective. I have a very good friend who cheated on her husband with an ex-boyfriend. Because of the affair, she later divorced her husband and married the ex-boyfriend. The affair started when she “reconnected” with the old boyfriend on Facebook.  They had an online affair and then they eventually started meeting up in their old home town.  My friend would tell her husband that she was visiting family when in fact she was carrying on the affair.

This was a touchy subject between us because she knows that I have strong feelings about cheating because of my own background (more on that below.) However, we have been friends for a long time.  So I was not going to abandon our friendship just because of some choices that I didn’t agree with.  And, over time, it was clear that she needed my support.  She knows how I feel about her actions and we leave it at that.

While it appeared that my friend and her new husband were blissfully happy in the beginning, they certainly have their problems now.  They have serious trust issues.  Because they cheated with each other, they are always worried that the other is going to cheat again.  They fight constantly – mostly about money.  Their divorces were financially costly for both of them and so they struggle to make ends meet, which causes conflict.

Blending their households also has caused conflict.  Understandably, their children have not taken kindly to the situation.  They feel resentment that their lives were turned upside down because one parent cheated.  And so they take it out on the new spouse.  The new husband’s kids are pretty nasty to my friend.  And her kids are pretty nasty to the new husband.  My friend resents that her kids did not just accept this with open arms.  But I can understand their resentment.

One day, after my friend had just had a fight with her new husband and her children, she confided: “If I would have known how this was going to turn out, I just would have tried to make my first marriage work. I would have stayed off of Facebook and put my focus on my kids.  This is not worth it.  I love my new husband, but this is just too hard.  The price was too high.”

Of course, the next day, she was in love again and trying to work things out.  But I hope you see my point.  Relationships that start out as affairs carry a lot of baggage.  And if you have ever watched the episode of “True Tori” where Tori meets with Dean’s ex-wife, you know that eventually, there is often much regret and remorse.

So my answer to the question is that from my observation, yes, there is a price to pay sometimes.  Yes, there is sometimes suffering from every one involved.  There can be a perception that the cheating folks go on and live charmed lives, but in my experience and observation, this is rarely the case.

In their hearts, both people know that what they did was wrong.  And of course this is going to weigh on you.  Of course this is going to affect your relationship.  You are unlikely to feel very good about yourself or about the relationship, even if you initially tell yourself that the end justifies the means.  Plus, you have to look around and face all of the people who you have hurt.   That causes a lot of pain and guilt to carry into your next relationship.

And, the affair relationship doesn’t always progress to the next level.  I was lucky that my husband’s did not. And we eventually healed our marriage.  There’s more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Does The Cheating Husband And Mistress Ever Suffer Because Of The Affair? Do They Ever Feel Regret That Affects Their Life Together?

By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes get correspondence from unfaithful spouses who truly are trying to do the “right thing,” by ending the affair and by cutting off all contact, but they are having a hard time following everything through.  They may be experiencing feelings or doubts that they never anticipated.

Someone might explain it this way: “honestly, I never fooled myself into thinking that I loved or even cared for the other person in my affair.  I was always very clear on the fact that it was just something to relieve boredom and stress at a difficult time in my life.  I’m having a lot of issues at work that I kept from my spouse because I knew that if I shared this with him, he would freak out about our finances and worry when he did not need to.  I wasn’t as careful as I thought though because my husband found out about the affair and was more devastated and upset than I ever thought possible. So I knew that I had to end the affair and I didn’t anticipate that it would difficult.  I did it the very same day and the other man did not argue or try to change my mind.  He simply accepted it.  I do not think that he was emotionally involved either. I thought that this would be a relatively simple process, but I was wrong.  I find myself missing the other man.  I have called him a couple of times.  I can’t seem to totally stay away.  I do not understand this because I know without any doubt that I was not in love with him.  I want my marriage.  I love my husband.  So why can I not just break totally free?  Why is it so hard when there weren’t even deep feelings involved?”

This is only my opinion, but even when there aren’t deep feelings, there can still be a deep pay off as well as deep habits.  Even if there were not necessarily deep-emotional needs there, there may have been some sort of emotional or physical need that got met.  You may have been getting some emotional outlet there instead of in your marriage.  And that may have become a habit. Now that you no longer have the affair for that and you have gotten out of the habit of turning to your marriage for all of those needs, there is bound to be a void.  And of course you are going to feel that void.

It’s easy to get into habits like this and then to have to create new ones when this habit comes to an end.  Even if the habit wasn’t a good one and you didn’t particularly like the habit – it can be hard to break.

However, the difficulty of it does not mean that you need to abandon what you know is the right thing to do.  You know that you should stay true to your word and eliminate all contact.  You can’t take back the fact that you have slipped and reached out once again, but you have complete control of what you do from today forward.

Make things a little more difficult on yourself.  Stay busy so that you don’t have time to think too much about it.  If you have any spare or down time, spend it with your husband.  Work very hard on restoring your marriage.  If you are getting your needs met through your marriage, then you no longer have any need to seek out or think about the other man.

Any time that you are tempted to reach out again, stop yourself and turn your attention to your marriage and your goals.  I know that this may be quite a challenge now, but as you break that habit, it will get easier and easier.  And you will show yourself (and your husband) that you are a person of integrity that follows through on your promises.  This is necessary in order to restore the trust that has been lost and in order to heal from the affair.

Breaking it off abruptly and completely can be very difficult, but it is the cleanest and most decisive way to do it. Making a clean break avoids confusion and fluctuating feelings.  There is no need to confuse the other person and to get their hopes up by keeping them in your life.  Let them go.  Turn your attention to your marriage and continue doing what you know is right.

Having martial integrity may not always be easy, but it is always right.  And that makes it worth doing.  Healing after an affair is not easy.  It wasn’t easy for me either, but it was worth it. There’s more to the story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Is It Taking Me So Long To End And Get Over The Affair When I Know I Didn’t Love The Other Person?