Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  In the minutes and hours following the discovery of our husband’s affair, many of us can not imagine having sex with our husbands – ever again. It is just a very unsavory thought – having sex knowing that he has recently had it with someone else.  In a round about way, having sex with him is almost like having physical contact with the other woman.  And that thought can turn your stomach.

But eventually, those minutes and hours give way to days, weeks, or even months.  Despite us thinking that it would never happen, the immediacy of the situation does wane a little.  Things calm down just a bit.  Yes, we’re still angry all right.  But we are no longer at the point where we constantly wish to do someone bodily harm or where the only thing that we can focus on is the betrayal.

We may not envision how or why or marriage may recover, but we are no longer closed off to allowing it to, if that should happen.  We may even have moments of laughter and closeness with our husband until reality comes crashing down again.  And these moments start us thinking about sex.  This man is still our husband, after all.  Perhaps continuing on with our sex life will make things better.  These thoughts sometimes show themselves, only to be quashed when we think about the affair all over again.

Here’s a common explanation: “if you would have told me a month ago that I would have even considered having sex with my husband this early, I would have laughed or almost have been offended.  The thought of having sex with him was downright repulsive to me weeks ago.  But lately, we’ve been bonding somewhat.  We’ve had some proud moments with our kids and it almost makes me feel as if we are a family again.  I will find myself smiling at my husband or reaching for his hand when we talk about our kids.  We’ve even had a kiss here and there.  The other night, we’d had a wonderful evening with our kids.  We put them to bed and we had a few glasses of wine.  We agreed that although we have not done everything perfectly as a married couple (and the affair is a perfect example of this,) we did do a great job of raising our kids.  My husband hugged me and then we kissed.  And then there was a moment when I just knew that we were about to have sex. I almost even wanted to. But I pulled back.  And then I felt guilty about it the next day. My husband has been doing everything that I’ve asked him to.  He’s been incredibly sweet.  And I am his wife.  And I almost feel like if I cut him off from sex then he will go looking for sex elsewhere, even though I hope that isn’t the case.  I have a co-worker who is dealing with the same issue.  Her husband had an affair also. And she feels the same way. Why do we feel obligated in this way? And should we go through with it?”

I can’t tell you whether or not to go through with it.  I think that this is a decision that only you can make.  But I have some theories as to why you may feel obligated. Plus, I can tell you some reasons as to why I don’t think you need to feel as obligated.

Why We May Feel A Sexual Obligation: I think that first of all, most married people feel some sense of responsibility for their spouse’s happiness and sense of well being.  It is just human nature to want those who we love to be happy.  So, when we knowingly and on purpose withhold something that we know is essential to their well being and happiness, this makes us feel guilty.

And because an affair is wrapped up with sex with someone else, we worry that by not having sex, we are tipping the odds in the favor of him cheating again.

Why It’s My Opinion That You Don’t Need To Give Into The Obligation Unless It Is What You Willingly Want To Do: Both of these variables are understandable, but I do not think that they mean that you have to have sex if you still do not feel that it is right.  Yes, it is tough when we know that we will affect someone else’s happiness.  But sometimes, there is no way around this.  There are times when continuing to have sex makes things even more confusing.  A husband can take continuing sex as an indication that things are now OK.  But if you still are NOT OK, then this creates additional problems.

As far as feeling that he will cheat again if you don’t give him sex, this is sort of emotional blackmail and it’s a game that I don’t think you can win or should play.  If you are ready to have sex again and want to, that’s an entirely different matter.  But you should not force yourself to do so simply because you feel pressured to provide sex so that he will not seek it somewhere else.

I can not tell you how to conduct your marriage or sex life.  But when I went through this, I waited until things were square emotionally before I resumed with the physical relationship.  Not every one does this and some couples are able to make it work when they continue to have sex while they are healing.  You have to do what works for and feels right to you.  But it’s probably not ideal to have sex just because you feel an obligation to do so. You can read more about how I handled this and other issues after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Sometimes, it would be nice if all you had to deal with was the immediate fall out of the affair.  What I mean by this is that the ideal is just having this be between your husband and yourself.  That isn’t always what happens, though.  Sometimes, other people find out and, even though it is your marriage, these other people feel that they have a stake in it.  So while it should be you who is discussing this with your husband, you might find that you have to get in line – as others feel that they have some ownership in this also.

Someone might explain: “as if dealing with this affair isn’t bad enough, my parents are furious and are demanding answers.  I did not intend to tell them about it.  But they noticed that something was going on with me and they kept asking me about it, so it eventually spilled out.  My father is seething.  My husband was married before he married me.  So when he went to ask my father if we could become engaged, my father was very honest and told my husband that he had concerns about my husband’s track record.  My husband assured my father that he would never do anything to hurt me.  He told my dad that he would never do anything other than be a loving and faithful husband.  My father told my husband that if he ever did anything other than this, then he would have to answer to my father.  Well, my father believes that now my husband should have to face him with those answers.  My parents want to question my husband because as things stand now, they are not sure if I should stay married and if my husband is able to change.  I know that my parents are wanting to do this out of love. This is proof that they had a right to be concerned.  But I feel like they are just adding stress and problems onto what I am already dealing with.  My husband is actually more than willing to talk to them.  He says that he has no problem taking responsibility for what he has done and he welcomes the opportunity to apologize to my father and assure him that he is getting counseling.  I appreciate that he is willing to do this.  But I worry about my parents continuing to meddle in my marriage.  I appreciate that they love me.  But are they going to want to confront my husband every time we get into a fight?  I also do not want them to bring up the affair every time that I see them.  I want a break from it sometimes.  Is this too much to ask?”

No, I don’t think that it is too much to ask. But it can be a great challenge to balance the opinions of those who love you with your own.  Your parents’ concern is understandable.  Your father wanting to follow up is also understandable.  Your husband’s willingness to allow this is actually quite commendable and shows that he is sincere about taking responsibility (which is a very good sign.)

But I think that you are right to worry that the “concern” may eventually become too obtrusive.  You are an adult with your own marriage, and I don’t think that there is anything wrong with trying to set the boundaries from the very beginning before things get out of hand.  Here is a suggested dialog: “I completely understand why you want to have the conversation.  But I want to make sure that every one can be calm and rational when the conversation takes place so that things do not get out of hand.  I don’t want for it to turn into an ugly confrontation.  My husband is willing to have the conversation because he wants to look you in the eye and express his sorrow and remorse.  He also wants to tell you how he plans to fix this.  Before we set up the conversation, I want to make sure that you give him this opportunity and that it’s not just a scenario where you lash out at him without giving him the opportunity to speak.  At the end of the day, it is my marriage and I would like the opportunity to save it.  So, it’s very important to me that this conversation doesn’t cause more problems than it solves.  We will all have to eventually heal all of our relationships so that we can be harmonious in the future.  I don’t want anything to be said that would prevent that. In the end, this is my marriage and I am the one who ultimately makes the decisions.  I respect your input and I appreciate your concern, but it is my life.  And I want to have this conversation when I’m sure that it can be constructive and not destructive.”

Listen to your parents’ response.  They may be willing to wait until things calm down.  And perhaps they can offer you reassurance that they won’t let the conversation be disrespectful.  It’s important to set boundaries beforehand so that things don’t deteriorate at the meeting.  If they do, don’t be shy about ending the conversation so that things don’t get worse.

I actually understand every one’s point of view here. And every one is acting out of their love for you.  It’s just important that nothing is said or done that can’t be taken back.  The idea is to ultimately heal the relationships rather than to destroy them.

Balancing the opinions of friends and family members is just one of the struggles you may have after the affair.  Be picky about who you share information with.  Always put yourself and what you need first.   Every one has their opinion. But this is YOUR marriage.  And you get to decide what is best for you.   You can read about how I juggled my own struggles and ultimately healed on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  There’s no question that after an affair, you can become very aware of what is happening to your marriage.  You pay attention like you haven’t in years.  Because many of us are trying to evaluate if our marriage can be saved, we observe, we analyze, we watch ourselves, and at times, we even try to act in a certain way – with not so great results.

Many people are aware that in order to save your marriage after an affair, you will eventually have to get back the trust, the love, the sense of commitment, and the romance.  People tend to try to get all of these back at once, without breaking it down into smaller steps or doing it in a logical and gradual manner.  Because of this, they can be frustrated and confused when things don’t go as planned.  I’m no exception to this.  I tried the same strategy until I realized that I needed to break it down into smaller chunks.

One example is that of romance.  People will often try to get this marital attribute back before they have addressed other things.  Therefore, many find their attempts at romance to feel very unnatural and awkward.  Of course, they then wonder how they are supposed to get it back when they have a marriage that is just a mess right now.

Someone might ask: “how am I supposed to be romantic toward my husband when I am still angry at him and unsure about the affair? One of the very good things about my marriage pre-affair was that my husband and I were very playful and loving toward one another.  Honestly, many of our friends were jealous.  We always left little notes for one another, bought little gifts, and planned things for our marriage that we could both look forward to.  My husband used to put little ads in the paper for me to find.  I loved this about my marriage.  But now when I sit down to think about the romantic things that I could and should be doing for my husband in order to get that romance back, I am kind of stumped.  Because if I left a loving note in his lunch, I would almost have to lie with the wording.  I used to write things like: ‘I will never love anyone more than I love you.’  However, if I wrote those words today, I might get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Because I honestly do not know if this is true.   I don’t know what is going to happen with my marriage.  Frankly, my marriage might not make it.  I might one day remarry and love another man. I don’t want for this to happen. I hope that it doesn’t happen.  But right now, I don’t want to take anything for granted.  Also, I used to spontaneously hug and kiss my husband several times per day, but I am not sure that I want to do that right now.   I am hurt.  And if I tried to force these things, I would just be faking it.  Because of all of these issues, how am I supposed to act romantic toward my husband after he cheated on me?”

Give Yourself A Break And Understand Why You Feel So Conflicted: I think that you are asking too much of yourself.  Yes, you should definitely hope that the romance comes back – at least one day.  I understand your wanting it to come back.  Every one wants a marriage like this.  You deserve to have it back, if that is what you want.  But in order for you to express spontaneous, loving feelings, you must be able to feel them without conflict.  You must be able to feel them genuinely.  You can’t do this until the trust and confidence in your marriage is restored. And this is just going to take time.

Honestly, getting the romantic love back before the trust, the work, and the commitment is like putting the cart before the horse.  I am not saying that you can’t or shouldn’t show your husband affection.  You should if this is what you want to do, but you can’t expect not to feel conflict and doubt when you do it.  This is just natural.

Dealing With The Here And The Now: As fas as the notes go, I think you can still leave them if you want to.  You may have to tweak the wording a bit so that it makes sense and that it is genuine.  Rather than saying: “I will never love anyone as much as you,” you could try: “I never want to love anyone as much as you.”  Or “I am committed to trying to work things out because I miss what we had.”

When I was trying to recover from my husband’s affair, I made a commitment to myself to never lie or claim to feel something that I did not.  Recovery was hard enough without having to pretend.  You can always stay genuine and true to yourself while attempting to put a positive spin on things at the same time.

As your marriage begins to heal, you may find that those romantic gestures feel more natural and genuine, since the trust and sense of hope is returning.  But you don’t have to rush it.  Needing to make changes so that you can be genuine is completely understandable.

As you become more comfortable, you start to realize that this process of rebuilding does not have to be all drudgery and pain.  As you get your footing back under you, then you are free and comfortable to have fun with your spouse again.  To be honest, I remember this time period very fondly.  It was fun and it was like rediscovering one another or falling in love again.  Don’t skip this step.  It is your reward for all of that hard work.  And it is wonderful.

I will admit that it took a while for the romance to return in my marriage.  I did not want to fake anything or to lie. And I wanted to build a genuine foundation first.  Yes, this took patience.  But when the romance genuinely returned, we both knew that we could believe in it because it was real.  To me, this is much better than pretending or faking it.  And I have never regretted my approach.  Because our marriage has more than held due to the foundation that was built.  There’s more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives who are getting ready to confront their husband about his affair anticipate lies, half truths, or out and out denials.  Many assume that even if their husband surprises them and tells some version of the truth, this version is going to be watered down, on meant to diminish the reality of the affair.

That’s why some wives are very shocked when their husband gives an attempt at honesty – brutally honest, in fact – about the affair.  Here’s what I mean.  You might hear a wife say: “I knew that my husband was cheating for almost six weeks before I confronted him.  During that time, I gathered my evidence.  Because of this, I knew a lot about the other woman.  Still, I expected him to lie to me.  I didn’t know if he was going to deny the whole thing. I figured he would have to be pretty stupid to try that, considering how much evidence I had. But I did think that he would try to lie about many of the details.  I know that the other woman is younger, prettier, and frankly, inappropriate for him, considering the age difference, although they are certainly both adults. And I really did not expect for him to admit to this.  But he did. As soon as I confronted him, he admitted everything.  He told me her age without my asking.  He told me what hotels they went to and how often. He told me what the attraction was that she was playful and adventurous.  He even said that sometimes, he fantasized about running away with her, but he admitted that he knew this wouldn’t happen because she was way out of his league and did not want anything permanent. Many of my friends say it is a good sign that he was immediately willing to be brutally honest.  They say this shows that he ultimately wants to do the right thing.  And he is telling me that he wants to save our marriage. But part of me thinks that his ‘honesty’ was only meant to hurt me.  Maybe he is kind of proud that he cheated with a younger woman and got to be sexually adventurous.  One of my friends say that maybe my husband is trying to ‘get back at me’ for something.  But honestly, I can’t imagine what.  I’ve been a good wife.  I’ve never cheated on him.  There would not be anything to get back at me for. So why would a man be brutally honest about the affair?”  I’ll go over some possible reasons below and offer some tips on how you might tell which is most likely for your husband.

It May Be A Way To Brag:  I am going to mention this first because I think that it is the least likely scenario and I will tell you why in a minute.  Some men do the “brutal honestly” thing in order to sort of brag.  They want you to know that they were able to attract someone younger.  Many will even go so far as to insinuate that the other woman wanted a future with them.  And yet, they chose their wives.  (This is meant to make you want them, despite their infidelity.)  However, your husband downplayed this aspect.  Even though he admitted to perhaps wanting more, he admitted that the other woman was out of his league and wouldn’t have gone for that.  This is why I think that this scenario isn’t as likely.

It May Be A Way To Hurt:  Some men will use “honestly” to bring about comparisons between the other woman and yourself.  And these, comparisons do not always come off as flattering.  These husbands want you to know that the other woman weighed less than you or was younger.  These are the husbands that won’t reassure you that they still find you beautiful and attractive.  These are not the husbands who will fight for their marriage.  These are the husbands who act as if their behavior is justifiable.   These are the husbands who act as if all men cheat and that you should just get over it. The husband in question does not appear to fit into this scenario, either.

Media And Pop Culture Has Lead Us To Believe That ‘Brutal Honesty’ Is The Only Way To Go:  In today’s society, there truly is not much modesty or privacy.  Thanks to reality TV, people tend to have far less discretion.  They seem to think that it is healing to tell everything.  Your husband may be responding to this societal norm.

He May Think That Full Disclosure Will Help Him Save His Marriage: To be fair, there is a perception that brutal honesty is necessary after an affair. It’s thought that in order to restore the trust, you need to have enough courage to tell everything.  And there is some validity to this.  Frankly, it sometimes takes a lot of courage to tell this type of truth.  He knew that you were going to be angry and hurt.  He might even have gotten away with a lie or two.  But he didn’t attempt it.  And the reason may have been that he purposely wanted to be honest with you, even if this didn’t paint him in the best light.

You know your husband better than I do and you have a better view of his behavior from day to day.  You have to ask yourself if what he “lets slip” or “discloses” is mean spirited, said out of spite, said in a boastful tone, or is just meant to honestly answer the questions that you’ve asked.  As you examine his behaviors over time, this generally will become pretty obvious.  Because you are not just listening to his words.  You are also watching for his behaviors.

Over time, you should be able to pick up the vibe on whether or not he is trying to hurt you or if he is sincere.  I had plenty of doubts about my own husband at first.  But over time, it became pretty obvious that he was indeed sincere.  This mattered to me and factored into my decision to try and save my marriage.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many people believe that having the faithful spouse learn all of the details of the affair is going to be necessary for healing.  You will often hear that spouse say: “I know that it will be hard to hear, but I feel like I need to know everything.”  Sometimes, friends and love ones will have their doubts about this.  And the cheating spouse may understandably be leery about giving more hurtful information at a time when a spouse is already so hurt.

A husband might ask: “I honestly do want to save my marriage, but my wife is constantly asking me questions about my affair. I try to answer, but it doesn’t matter.  She will think of more questions.  It is like a never ending quest for information.  I have told her a lot of the truth. However, there are some things I hesitate on.  At one point, early on, I was actually contemplating running away with the other woman.  We were researching plane tickets and property in another country. Looking back on it now, I think it was pure fantasy.  Now that I can look back on it with a head that is a little more clear, I truly don’t think that I would have gone through with it. But that is the sort of thing that I’m not sure it is beneficial for my wife to know.  I am not sure that I could make her understand that it wasn’t real.  Still, she persists in demanding that I tell her everything.  She insists that knowing everything is what is it going to take for her to heal. Does knowing everything heal the wife?”

I am not a therapist or mental health professional and I would highly suggest you consult one.  But I am a wife who has gone through this.  I wish that healing was as easy as just hearing the truth.  But honestly, this is just one step in a long line of steps toward healing.

I do believe that a wife does need all of the important information so that she can know what she is dealing with. She should know who the other woman was.  She should know where the cheating happened and for how long.  She should be given information that allows her to understand why the cheating happened.  And she has a right to know how you carried this out without detection so that she can look for warning signs in the future.  I believe that, to the extent you can, you should be truthful. Lying to your spouse about important details is not something that is going to help with the shattered trust.  You do not want to keep important details from her.

However, from my own experience, I can tell you that certain details can be hurtful and very hard to get out of your head.  Knowing that you were going to potentially flee the country with this other woman might be the type of detail that I am talking about.  I would strongly suggest speaking with your counselor about this. And if you choose to disclose this, I would carefully choose the right time.  Sometimes, it becomes just too much to deal with all at once.

That doesn’t mean that I didn’t want to know the truth.  I did.  I needed to feel that I wasn’t being lied to in order to heal. But, the truth and the details weren’t necessarily what healed me. What did was that my husband was willing to do the work.  He was willing to stay close to me and work hard with me to restore the closeness and intimacy in our marriage. He was willing to overcompensate some of the time to reassure me that I could trust him.  He stood by me when I was struggling and when I tried to push him away because of my anger.  He was willing to work on himself in an attempt to address the issues that contributed to him cheating.  He was willing to become the best partner and husband that he could.

This helped much more than the details of the affair ever could. Because at some point, in order to heal, you have to look to the future instead of the past.  This doesn’t excuse you from telling your spouse the truth.  She does need to know the truth.  But those little details that go beyond the truth aren’t what heals you – at least in my experience.  It is the process of working together to rebuild.  She may not be willing to rebuild unless she feels like you are making an effort and being truthful to her.  There is a difference between staggering or reconsidering very hurtful details and out and out hiding things from her. And the difference is not always clear.  That’s why I’d strongly suggest talking this over with a counselor.  Because they would have the expertise to tell you if your spouse is ready to hear everything.

I’m not sure that I would want to know if my husband was planning to leave me, although it would not matter a great deal to me now because I know that all of this is in the past and I’m confident that we have rebuilt.  I think that is really the key – getting you both to the point that you are willing to do the work and then doing it.  Your wife may still doubt that you’re willing to do the work, which is why she’s asking more of you.

It’s important that she be willing to tell you what she truly needs to know.  If you aren’t sure what this is, it’s very helpful to ask an expert.  An expert can be therapist or you can check out self help resources written by experts.  But most of us just don’t have the skills and knowledge to decide the best course of action for ourselves.  I know that was the case with me.  My husband and I needed a lot of guidance to keep us on track.  You can read about more things that helped on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I believe that most people who are having an affair try very hard not to allow their mind to go to the “what ifs.” Because if they allowed themselves to constantly think about the “what if” questions, then carrying out the affair is going to be very difficult. Examples of these types of what if questions are: what if I get caught? What if I lose my family? Or what if people change their opinions of me when they find out?

Unfortunately, sometimes things happens that force you to think about these types of questions. Sometimes you are careless or you leave clues. Sometimes the other person you are cheating with is careless or spiteful. And sometimes fate steps in.

Here’s an example. Someone might say: “I am embarrassed to admit this, but I’ve been having an affair for a little over a month. I am not the kind of person who would normally do this. I always see the other man in another town because I don’t want for anyone to see us. Well, last night, we had dinner and I could not believe it when I looked over and saw one of my neighbors. The neighbor waved. I smiled and waved back. I acted like I was just having a friendly dinner and of course I did not touch the other man and I acted like everything was platonic. I am now terrified that the neighbor is going to mention seeing me to my husband. I told my husband I was going to my sister’s, so the best case scenario is that my husband would catch me in a lie and the worst case scenario is that he would figure this out. I am now terrified that I am going to be caught. I can think of nothing else. I am well thought of in the community and if this neighbor tells everyone else, my reputation will be ruined. I have thought about asking the neighbor not to say anything, but I almost think that this will create more suspicion. I do not want to hurt my spouse. Deep down, I think I still love him. But I made a mistake.”

I have never been in this position. I was the faithful spouse, so I know how much it hurts to learn about this type of deception. I am not unsympathetic to what you are going through, though. It understandable that it must be an awful feeling to wonder when or if you will be found out. I am going to make a suggestion and you may not like it. But maybe this is the universe’s way of stepping in and stopping this before it gets worse and goes on for a longer period of time?

You say that you don’t want to hurt your husband and that you believe that you still love him, but your actions do not match the claims. If this were true (and I am not saying that it is not,) then it would make sense to end the affair immediately. I can not decide for you whether or not to talk to your neighbor or to tell your spouse the truth. You know both of these people and I do not. You would have a much better handle on how either of these scenarios might turn out. And you can not really control someone else’s reactions.

But, what you can control is your own actions. And a way to do that immediately is to stop what you know in your heart is wrong. You have admitted embarrassment and shame at cheating. You have admitted fear because of it. How does it make sense to continue on with the behavior that is making you so anxious? One way to begin to make this right again is to stop doing what you know isn’t working.

I admit that I am biased and that this is your decision. But I would suggest considering ending the affair. And, once that is done, you may have more information and insight in order to make further decisions. I have no idea if your spouse will find out about this or not, but if he does, I would suspect that the outcome will be better if you can honestly say that you have already willingly ended the affair.

If you still love your spouse, then you have to ask yourself where the affair is really going. Because I don’t believe that you can legitimately pursue and nurture any relationship when you are actively involved in another. So perhaps you want to consider deciding what it truly the most important outcome for you and  then to direct your actions that way.

I know that I am seeing this from the other side of the fence, but I sense that, deep down, you feel that it isn’t working.  It’s my experience that it is possible to heal your marriage after infidelity.  but, at least in my opinion, the first step is ending the affair. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Here are two things that are very common after the discovery of an affair:  the faithful spouse wants details – lots of details.  And the cheating spouse is reluctant to give them.  Why?  He knows that it is going to hurt and anger his spouse.  And if the affair is over, why rub salt into the wound?

Although these reasons make sense intellectually, this is a wounded heart that we are talking about.  Few faithful spouses are going to be satisfied with the not knowing.  Generally speaking, they keep asking for the details until they are given.  And just knowing the basics is rarely good enough.

Needless to say, the cheating spouse assumes that with each admission, things are going to go from bad to worse.  The assumption is that anger and outrage are going to be immediately forthcoming.  And many times, this is what happens. But sometimes, the faithful spouse isn’t mad, exactly.  Sometimes, they are actually turned on, which leaves the cheating spouse quite confused and unsure how to proceed.

Someone might explain: “I would give anything if I had never met the ‘other woman.’  I was so stupid.  I knew right away that I owed my wife a very detailed explanation, but I was so scared to tell her the truth.  She started out demanding that I tell her ‘everything.’  I knew that I didn’t want to tell her everything.  I knew that she was going to be hurt and angry with every single detail.  So I started out only telling her the very basics. And it didn’t go as badly as I had feared.  Over time, I noticed that she became affectionate when I would give in and give her details.  Eventually, we almost always ended up having sex.  Lately, she has wanted for me to tell her sexual things about the affair.  She playfully tells me that there will be no repercussions because of this. And there doesn’t seem to be.  Frankly, this seems to turn her on. But I worry about this for many reasons.  First, I worry that she is just pretending to feel this way to get the details out of me and then she is going to eventually turn on me and be angry.  I can’t imagine how learning these things is not going to make her very hurt and very angry.  Second, I hate going into detail.  I’m not proud of what I did.  Talking about it makes me feel guilty and ashamed.  I hate talking about it as it is.  But the dirty details just magnify everything.  I don’t want to get in the habit of being required to talk about this in order to have sex with my wife.  I understand that she has a right to and need for some of the details, but I worry that we are establishing a horrible precedent.  Is it possible that the sexual details are really a turn on to her or could she be trying to trick me?”

Frankly, it is not uncommon for people to admit that the sexual details were arousing.  There are many theories as to why this might happen. Some think that thinking about your spouse having sex in any capacity is a turn on.  Others believe that all feelings (anger, sexuality, sadness) are magnified because of what is happening.  Others believe that when your marriage is at risk, the attraction and arousal increase because of a fear of losing what you have.

Whatever the reason, this is not an uncommon scenario.  So I don’t think that you have to automatically assume that your spouse is lying or is trying to trick you.  This may not be the case.  But I do agree with your concern that getting into the habit of needing to provide the sexual details is not healthy.  The eventual goal in affair recovery is to be able to move on, and to not revisit things on a regular basis. I think it’s wise to address it now rather than to let it go on and become a habit that becomes harder to break.

The next time this happens, you might say: “you know I would never turn down physical time with you.  I love when we are together.  But right now, I want to talk about, and focus on, the two of us only.  I do not want to think about or talk about anyone else.  This is just about us from today forward.  I’ve told you all there is to tell.  There is no reason to keep rehashing it.  I want you to be turned on because we are together.  And I want for our focus to be what happens here.  Can you understand that?”

Be patient with your wife as she tries to adjust.  Because I have been on that side of the table.  And I can tell you that honestly, all of her questions for details are likely just an attempt to truly understand what has happened and why.  When you are the faithful spouse, no matter how much information you gather, you always feel like there is something that you might still need to know.  This is habit that has to be broken.  But it’s better to try to break it gently and to have patience. Because from a wife’s perspective, I can tell you this isn’t easy.  You can read more about my struggles after the affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Not all wives with cheating husbands have the luxury of experiencing the actions associated with remorse.  What I mean by this is that some wives have a husband who claims that he isn’t sorry or who blames her for his own actions.  These wives may long for the remorseful husband who is falling all over himself to apologize.

But the wives on the other side of the fence aren’t always receptive to all of this remorse.  Because many of them doubt the sincerity of it and find it just a little bit hypocritical.  For example, a wife might describe this situation: “ever since I caught my husband cheating, he’s been chasing me around and trying to explain it to me.  In my eyes, there is really nothing to explain.  I mean, I suppose he could give me his theories as to why he did it, but I honestly do not want more information about the other woman or their relationship.  I am simply not interested in the ‘whys.’  All I need to know is that the affair happened and that’s honestly more than enough information for me.  I guess because I won’t allow him to spill his guts, my husband has taken to letter writing.  I will get out of the shower when my husband has already gone for the day and find that he has left me yet another note on the kitchen table.  In these notes of his, he tells me that he is so very sorry.  He tells me that I am the best wife that a man could ask for and he admits how very stupid he was.  He goes on and on about what a wonderful life we could have – if I just give us that chance. Honestly, these letters make me angry and I have told him as much.  But his excuse is that I will not listen to him face-to-face.  So he has no choice but to write the letters. Well, if he had not cheated on me, no one would need any letters.  And his words infuriate me.  Perfect wife, huh?  Well if that were true, he wouldn’t have cheated.  Prove it to me?  Good luck with that.  My sister kind of feels sorry for my husband because I reject him so completely.  But the letters do nothing for me.  How do I get him to stop?  The weird thing is that I don’t know why I don’t just leave.  I’m angry enough to leave, but every time I think about doing so, something stops me.  I guess in my heart, I do wish it would be different.  But I doubt that it can.  What is done is now done.  There’s no going back. And the letters only make it fresh every single day.”

I understand your perception, but I would like to attempt to offer at least a little perspective.  There could never be any excuse for your husband’s cheating. I won’t try to make excuses.  But I can tell you that not all husbands try as hard as yours is.  It may not matter to you.  And you may ultimately decide to reject the entire thing.  That would be your absolute right and it would be understandable.

But, it does appear that he is trying very hard to express what he is feeling.  Not all wives get this. Many get angry and indignant husbands that almost feel justified in their cheating and who show very little regard for their wife’s pain. I am not saying that you have to accept the sentiment of your husband’s letters.  Not at all.  But to give credit where it is due, he is doing more than most.

However, that said, you have every right to choose how you are going to accept his message.  Just because he writes the words, that doesn’t mean you have to accept or heed the words.  You may decide to reject them.  You may decide that you don’t want to listen to them because you are done with this marriage.

Or, you might decide that at some point you may want to listen to what he is saying, but for now, you don’t want to read these letters.  If that is the case you might try something like: “listen, we need to talk.  While I appreciate the effort that you are putting into these letters, I want to save us both some time and tell you that for right now, I am just not ready to receive the message, no matter how many times you write it.  I just need some time.  I am not sure when I will be ready to hear you.  But when I am, I will let you know and we can talk about it face-to-face.”

This might discourage him from continuing to write the letters so that you won’t get frustrated as much.  He may be trying to reach you in the only manner that he thinks he has left.  He probably isn’t trying to anger you.  He may just want you to listen and he doesn’t know of any other method.

Plus, when people cheat, it’s hard for them to give you time because they are panicked that they are going to lose you.  But perhaps if he understands that his panic is making things worse and not better, he may back off a little.

My husband took to overly-dramatic behavior when he was trying to get through to me about his affair.  After some time passed, he realized that this wasn’t doing him much good, so he gave me the time I needed.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I will admit that most of the time, I write articles for the faithful spouse. I try to offer tips to help people heal from being cheated on. I do that because that is where my perspective lies. I try to see things from all sides, but since I’ve never been the cheating spouse and I haven’t ever cheated, I typically just stick to what I know.

Sometimes though, the cheating spouse reaches out to me looking for tips that would be applicable to them. It’s probably no surprise that I usually encourage people to end the affair in as quick and as healthy a way as possible. So if you’re here looking for encouragement to keep the affair going, I can save you some time by telling you that you won’t find that here.  I just can’t do that.  I know how damaging affairs can be.

Someone might ask me something like: “I honestly never thought that the affair would grow to mean something to me. It started out as just a fleeting thing. But then I developed real feelings for the other man. And I became very invested in this relationship. I started thinking about having a future with the other man. Both of us agreed that we didn’t want to hurt our families. So we always talked about ‘one day.’ And I was willing to wait. I was perfectly happy with our arrangement. Until one day the other man told me that he was ending the relationship because he knew that he was wrong to cheat. I am devastated by this. Because I had a future to look forward to and then suddenly, it was just snatched away from me. I feel like I need to talk to him about this with closure. He didn’t mention if he was staying with his wife, but if he is, then he’s a hypocrite because he constantly criticized her when we were together. I really want to find out. I’ve texted him, but he doesn’t respond. I’ve thought of going by his house. It is very hard for me to just let this go with no closure.”

Closure is a topic that I get a lot of questions about. Mostly, these questions come from the faithful spouse. I am not sure that there’s any such thing as true closure when you are talking about infidelity.  And I think people make a mistake by not acting because they are waiting for the closure that may never come.  This means that you remain stuck. And true closure implies that you are able to fully close the book on this by getting something that you need. But frankly, you are the only person who can give you what you need. Because you have to be the one to decide to turn your attention to another place.

You have to ask yourself what you’re trying to accomplish. The other man has made a decision. It is his decision to make. It’s not clear if the goal here is to get him to change his mind and continue on with the affair, but he’s already been honest and expressed his doubts about the relationship. Outside of the fact that an affair isn’t by definition a healthy relationship, how can it even approach healthy if he has admitted serious doubts?

The truth is, you are both committed to other people. That is the reality. Again, I am biased. But my honest opinion is that in order to “let go,” you have to begin to break the habits that you’ve developed. You’ve likely become very used to communicating with him and checking in regularly. You may even depend on this to feel OK. I understand that it is hard to abruptly give this up. I understand that you will have to adjust. I truly do.

But you can break this habit like any other. You’re going to have to find new ways to fill the time. You’re going to have to redirect yourself when your feel yourself drifting back to thoughts of the other man. But you can do both of these things – even if they aren’t always easy.  If you need help with this, there is no shame in seeing a professional.  Everyone and all parties can benefit from counseling after an affair.

Going by his house is just going to create additional problems. It is just going to make this process more difficult moving forward. The best way to let go is to do exactly that every single day. That means not calling and not reaching out. That means not looking at old photos or emails. That means turning your attention to what is going to help you move toward a more positive future rather than staying in the past.

Part of what makes this so hard is that you don’t know the future. I know that sounds daunting. But the good news is that this means that the future is wide open for you. Perhaps the universe was looking out for you. Perhaps in its wisdom, it knew that both you and the other man deserved better.

Being a relationship where you aren’t free to be open and honest isn’t ideal. Ask yourself if you (and your spouse) don’t deserve better than this. At least give yourself a little bit of time to just take a break. If you have trouble stopping yourself from trying to reach out to him, tell yourself that you are just not taking action right now and you will reevaluate later. You will likely see that this gets easier as time goes by. Right now, you are shocked. You are hurt. But it gets better in time. And the best thing to do is to move on rather than just prolonging the relationship and therefore prolonging the pain.

Admittedly, I am seeing this from the other side.  But I think that it does get easier in time for all parties involved.

And I know you can’t think about it right now, but saving your marriage is possible, if that is the route you choose.  Many have done it.  You can read more about how I did it on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s very normal to have many conversations about your spouse’s affair over a long period of time. Many people feel that it is their right to ask as many questions as they want for as long as they want. As a woman who has gone through this, I tend to agree. However, I also know from experience that if this endless conversation goes on indefinitely without any resolution, then it can damage your marriage as much as the affair. So what is the time frame in which it’s still healthy to talk about the affair? I’ll try to answer this question in the following article.

Someone might express this sentiment: “I admit that I still want to talk about the affair months after its end. I still don’t understand how and why it happened. I still don’t understand what he saw in her and why he would let a stranger threaten what we have. So yes, I still ask questions and they are questions that my husband has already answered. And my husband is losing his patience with this and is starting to get angry with me. When is it still OK to keep talking about the affair?”

I have two different answers to this question and I just can not help it because I have been there myself. If you asked me this question and I just answered it from heart, I’d tell you that it’s OK to keep asking until you have the answers that meet with your satisfaction. However, also from experience, I know that you may never get an answer that completely satisfies you. And I know that continuing to ask a question that has already been repeatedly asked and answered puts your marriage at risk at a time when it has already been damaged. I don’t think that there is a set time period or window of time when you can safely ask about the affair. But I do think that it is important to be aware that there is a point where you have all of the information that is available and yet you are continuing to ask. Below, I’ll offer some tips meant to help you get over the hump so that you can start healing and stop ruminating.

Ask Yourself Why You Feel The Need To Keep Questioning Your Husband: When I bring up this issue, many wives will answer with something like: “well I keep asking him because I have a right to know everything possible about the affair.” I totally get this, but my follow up question would be: “what do you think that you don’t already know?”

See, I believe that we keep asking because, even after a long period of time, we still just don’t get how and why he would do this. Unfortunately though, I have to gently tell you that you might never completely and one hundred percent understand it. Once you accept this, then it is easier to tone down the questions. And for me, after a while, I began to realize that continuing to ask while getting half – answers was really not bringing me any relief. Oh, I thought that it would. But I watched this cycle of questioning and answering happen over and over again with the same result. And I became aware that it wasn’t helping.

Now, if you legitimately have something that you do not know or do not understand, there is nothing wrong with asking for clarification. I think it helps to really ask yourself point blank what you are truly wishing for. Do you still not understand his motivations? Do you still think that he is not telling you everything? Do you think he is leaving out something that is vital to the order of events? It’s important to pin this down because if you can, then you can ask more pointed questions, meant to tell you what you really and truly want to know instead of just general questions where, let’s face it, you are really just fishing. Or, you asking in an attempt to pick a fight with your husband or to embarrass him or make him feel more guilty? Because make no mistake about it. As much as you have a right to ask and a right to know, you want to make sure that you are not just picking at the scab.

If You Are Asking The Same Questions Over And Over, Consider That It Might Be Time For Professional Help: If you can objectively look at this situation and see that you really aren’t getting anywhere and you can very distinctly tell that the questions are damaging your marriage, then it makes sense to consider that perhaps a neutral third party can help you to navigate this. A good counselor can help you to get the answers that you need and your spouse can be annoyed at the counselor instead of being annoyed by you. If your spouse is giving incomplete or elusive answers, then a good counselor will ask for clarification in a way that helps and doesn’t hurt.

It doesn’t make sense to keep picking the scab and to keep coming at the same problem in the same inefficient and hurtful ways. I will always defend your right to the truth and to everything that you want to know, but I also know there comes a point when repeatedly seeking this hurts you instead of helps you, which is why I think there is a more efficient way to seek out information.

I know that not every one embraces counseling, but at least pursue self help that can help you to look at this with fresh eyes.  Because any sort of repetitive pattern is telling you that there is something that still needs work.  You can read about some things that helped me  on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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