Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I’m always a little amazed at the correspondence that I get from wives who are concerned with how the other woman feels.  I admit that after my own husband’s affair, I was curious about how the other woman felt when it ended abruptly on my account.  But honestly, if she had been sad or dejected, I would not have cared one bit.  I know that this perhaps sounds awful, but her peace of mind was just not my concern.

I was worried about my own feelings and the feelings of the people in my family.  So while I admit that I was curious, I moved on from that curiosity relatively quickly. However, to be fair, she was an absolute stranger to me.  And we lived far away from one another.  I knew that I was not going to have to interact with her in my day-to-day life.  And I’m sure that she was as grateful for that as I was.

Not every one has this luxury, though.  Some people actually know the other woman quite well.  Some consider her a friend, neighbor, or acquaintance.   Some care about her feelings and perceptions.  It might be described this way: “Honestly, moving past the affair is doubly hard for me because I have loved both people involved.  I would not say that the other woman is my very best friend.  My number one friend lives across the country.  Unfortunately though, I don’t see her very often.  When I moved, the other woman was the first person who befriended me and we became very close.  She has been a good friend to me, caring for me when I’ve been sick and always making herself available to watch my kids or do whatever else I needed from her.  Our cross-country move was hard on us.  So having someone who lived close by that I could interact with was a blessing.  I don’t know many people, so she’s serves as a big support system for me.  Well, do I need to tell you that she is the one who my husband cheated with?  I understand the attraction because she is a beautiful person inside and out.  To be honest, in the weeks after the affair, we didn’t speak.  But slowly, we did start to interact again, although it was awkward.  My husband was frustrating both of us, basically just retreating and not being honest about what direction he wanted to take.  At that point, I thought it might have been possible to save our friendship.  But a few days after that, my husband announced that he wanted to save our marriage.  He didn’t tell her this, so I decided that I would.  She was very angry.  She said that she didn’t want to maintain the friendship because it would be too awkward.  She said it with a lot of malice, like I was the one who did something wrong.  Her attitude makes me think that perhaps she perceives that I manipulated the situation to influence my husband so that she would lose him.  I did not.  I left it up to him.  But what if I did influence him?  I am his wife.  It hurts me that I feel like, in a sense, I’ve lost both of them.  And I hate that now I don’t have that close support system anymore.  Why does she hate me so much?”

Her Hatred Is Likely Directed At Something (Or Someone) Else: Deep down, I honestly doubt that she hates you. She probably hates the choices that she has made and the reality that she faces right now.  She probably also is feeling a little bit guilty. And she may also feel like the odd – man out.  I know that you feel alone.  And you’ve said that you feel that you have lost them both.   But think about it.  She is in this position also. She truly has lost both people.  Because your husband has chosen to go back to you, she is lost to both of you and that probably feels quite bad for her.  So her reaction may be more related to her situation than to you.

Resist Scattering Your Energy And Your Priorities: Please don’t take this the wrong way.  I envy your emotional capacity because I do not think that I would even be able to approach this type of compassion. But, as someone who has worked really hard to recover from infidelity and to restore her marriage, I can tell you that it’s really hard – even when your focus is totally on yourself.  It’s very hard when you also have to worry about your children and your husband.  There often isn’t a lot of room or time to worry about additional people.  So be careful about spreading your concern too thin.

And if you want the best result with your husband, you probably want to place your focus on your marriage, your family, and yourself. It’s unfortunate that you and the other woman are both hurting when you care about her.  And your affection for her means that you don’t want to be the cause of her pain and you don’t want for her to hate you, but I’m not sure how much control you have over either one.

At the end of the day, your relationship with your family should take precedence.  For now, I would suggest worrying about your immediate family, while allowing her to choose where to place her focus.

This might be a good time to explore new friendships.  It always helps to have a wide and varied support system.  We get different things from each personality and each friendship.  So the wider we can toss our friendship net, the better off we are.  She may claim to hate you, but those are her feelings to deal with, not yours.  Don’t allow her to put more on your plate than you already have.

Honestly, recovery is hard enough – even when you are only worrying about your immediate family.  Don’t take on any more.  Let her worry about her own well being and feelings.  And you can worry about your own.  Moving forward, recovery will likely take enough time that you don’t have any spare time to worry about her.  If you’d like to read more about my own recovery, you can do so on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on The Other Woman Hates Me Because My Husband Chose To Stay

By: Katie Lersch: When you first find out about an affair, you are often not sure if you want to even to listen to what your spouse has to say, much less to save your marriage. Coming to the decision to stay and to try to work things out is not always an easy decision. Because most of us know that in order to heal, there are going to be difficult conversations and vulnerable moments when we are trying to restore the trust. In fact, many feel that it is emotionally easier to walk away because then you are able to avoid all of the hard work that goes into saving your marriage. Many times in order to get through, you will tell yourself that you will give it a certain period of time and then reevaluate to see if things have gotten better. But when this milestone passes and you see few (if any) improvements, then it can be very frustrating and discouraging.

I sometimes hear comments like: “my husband begged me to give him six months to make things up to me after he had an affair. This was not an easy decision for me. My inclination was honestly to leave him and to never look back. But then I asked myself what would it hurt to give him six months? And so I did. After the six months were up, I was disappointed that we hadn’t made more progress. And I told my husband as much. Once again, he begged me not to leave him. He said that we had made progress and that if we were patient, we would make even more. So I thought ‘what is six more months?’ And I agreed. Well, we have just passed the one year anniversary of the affair. And I am so disappointed. In my own head, I thought that having a year to heal was going to make a huge amount of difference. I honestly thought that I would have a sound marriage again in that amount of time. But I don’t. Things are still very awkward and tense between us. I feel like my husband wants our marriage back. But at the same time, he isn’t doing anything concrete to make that happen. I feel like wanting to make your marriage work after an affair and actually having it work are two different things. I’m tired of waiting for improvement. And I feel like I have wasted a year. Does it ever get better?”

Why The Effectiveness Of The Effort That You BOTH Put In Truly Matters: It is my experience that it absolutely does get better. However, I don’t believe that you can count on it to magically get better without a lot of the right kind of effort. While it is true that the anger and shock will naturally fade without your having to work too hard, the actual healing and rehabilitation does take hard work. And it does not magically happen.

With this said, waiting for it to happen is very common. And for good reason. Typically, neither the husband or the wife are mental health counselors. So they don’t have first hand or expert knowledge about how to dig themselves out of this. And they may think that if they truly love their spouse and if they are patient, then time is going to heal the wounds.

Unfortunately, it’s my experience that time alone is not enough. You have to be very proactive. You have to very actively look at what was wrong and you have to be tireless in fixing it. The cheating spouse must have the goal of understanding the anger and the faithful spouse must have the goal of working through it. I wish I could tell you that it just magically happens. But it doesn’t. It takes a good deal of continuous effort and then reevaluating to see what is actually working and what isn’t. And when things don’t work, you have the option to either keep trying along the same path or to get off that path and try something new.

Consider What You Haven’t Yet Tried: I’d suggest that if it has been a year and you’re not seeing a good deal of improvement, then it might be time to try something new. This could include counseling, self help, educating yourself, trying different things on an individual basis.  That is not to say that all marriages that are damaged by an affair are going to be perfect after a year’s time.  There is often maintenance that lasts for the lifetime of the marriage.  But many will see very noticeable progress.

Understanding Rumination: I will tell you one thing that really helped me to get unstuck. I was talking about this issue with a counselor once and she told me that I was ruminating. I had her repeat herself because although I knew what ruminating meant, I wasn’t sure how it applied to me. And so she explained it. In psychological terms, ruminating means reliving the event over and over again in your own mind so that you continue to be injured by it. Rather than going over it to try to determine where you go from here, you are going over it and thinking once again about how unfair it was, how hurtful it was, and how awful it was. When this was explained to me, I had my doubts that it applied. But then I went home and looked at my past journals. And I found that every single entry was focused on why my husband had dealt me this most cruel blow.  Every entry talked about how horrible the whole situation was.

Now, everything in my journal was true. And I had a right to feel what I was feeling. And yet, I couldn’t deny that every day I was almost ensuring that when I left my journal, I felt badly. Why? Because with each session, I was reliving it. My entries never focused on what I was going to do to move past it. They only relived it. So I vowed to myself that my journal entries were going to change. I started to focus on what I could do to feel better. I started talking about progress and stopped ruminating so much. And do you know what I found? When my journaling changed, so did my thought process.

I can’t possibly know whether you too are ruminating, but I find that it is very common, especially if a lot of time has gone by and you still seem stuck. I’d suggest making a conscious effort to begin to focus on movement rather than on what has happened. Then, I’d suggest looking at what you have already tried to determine what is serving you and what is not. There is no harm in trying something new. And sometimes, you have to keep trying until you find what works. But the key is that each and every day, you want to focus on what makes you feel better and what moves you forward. You want to think about the negative aspects of this less and the moving forward more.

By no means do I mean to insinuate that any of this is your fault or that its your responsibility to move past it without your spouse’s help.  But I learned first hand from my own situation that sometimes, we have to help ourselves.  When we take responsibility for our own healing, then we are healed more quickly.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on One Year After The Affair And We Still Feel Lost. We Still Struggle

By: Katie Lersch:  Some husbands who get caught cheating have very creative explanations as to why the cheating took place.  This can be especially true if there were no obvious cracks in an otherwise happy marriage.

So instead of telling his wife that he cheated because he no longer loved her or wasn’t happy in his marriage (neither of which were true) he may give you sort of vague excuses like: “I was struggling within myself,” or “I was trying to find myself again, or “I was soul – searching.”

To a hurting wife, these type of excuse are just bound to sound like a load of nonsense.  A wife might say: “frankly, I thought that I had a wonderful marriage until I found out that my husband had slept with a waitress from the restaurant down the street.  She’s not that pretty.  And she’s clearly not that accomplished.  So I don’t get it.  My husband swears that he still wants our marriage and that he still loves me.  If this is true (and I honestly believe that it is,) then I really don’t understand.  I explained this to my husband and his response was ‘well, I don’t completely get it either.  I went through this phrase where I was kind of soul-searching and trying to determine the meaning of life.  And during that time, I sort of went crazy.  I don’t have any other way to explain it and I know that it doesn’t make sense.  But that is what happened.’  Is this whole soul – searching theory a common excuse?”

Yes, it is.  This excuse kind of goes hand in hand with a mid-life crisis, usually. A man has to confront aging and what he has accomplished.  Many people begin to wonder ‘is there all there is?’ while having to face their own mortality.  And this can be quite painful.  In order to ease that pain, they may begin to participate in risky behaviors that aren’t like them.  Some will buy a new car or start to dress differently.  Others will take up ‘extreme adventure’ type of hobbies like skydiving.  When a man is acting this way, he is more vulnerable to having an affair, at least in my opinion.  Because he is seeking out experiences meant to make him feel more ‘alive.’  And it is during this time period that many men are not thinking clearly.  They may do things that are completely out of character for them.

Of course, that doesn’t excuse them.  Even though they were struggling, obviously they still had the use of their brain and their conscience.  And regardless of the reasoning, you now have to pick up the pieces because of what he did.

But yes, the soul – searching theory is quite common and, as painful as it is, it does give you important clues and a starting place that will be very helpful in recovery, if you choose to go that route.  Because some husbands will tell you that they have absolutely no idea why they cheated.  Yours is at least trying to understand his motivations.

And if you are going to do counseling, this will give your therapist a very good start in helping to determine what void he was trying to fill.  Because until you can do that, you can’t really have confidence that this is all over for good.  People don’t always just resolve their soul – searching immediately and on their own.

Sure, he may see the trouble that all of this has caused and then vow not to be dissatisfied with middle-age or to not question things anymore, but this is easier said than done.  He may try to put a lid on his feelings, but when he does, this might bring about a sense of restlessness and disappointment  – two additional things that make him vulnerable to risky behaviors.

So by no means am I saying that you have to buy the soul – searching excuse.  But it is a common one.  And it can be a useful one because it can give you a starting point on finding the exact void that he was trying to fill.  Because they are more constructive ways to attempt to fill it than by having an affair.

I know that it’s hard to hear what sound like lame excuses.  I raged against my own husband when he gave me the same.  But, if you are going to go the recovery route, you do have to start somewhere.  And for many, recovery is possible with a lot of work and willingness.  The epilogue is on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Says His Cheating Was Really A Form Of Soul-Searching

By: Katie Lersch: On the day you got married, I’d be willing to bet that, like me, you envisioned that the person who put a ring on your finger was always going to have your back. And certainly, you felt the same way, because you were fully committed to showing this kind of support yourself. That’s one very attractive thing about committing your life to someone when you get married – knowing that this person will always be there for you and vice verse. But what happens if they aren’t because they have made the grave mistake of being unfaithful?

You might hear a wife say: “I have had a lot of stress on my plate over the last year. My health started to spiral downward and, for a long time, the doctor’s told me that there was nothing wrong with me. I was having lot of pain, weakness, and fatigue, but they could not find any real reason for it. They started to insinuate that this was all in my head. I knew that it wasn’t. I knew that I was having real symptoms that weren’t there before. And I knew that my mind was functioning just fine. This was a very difficult period in my life. And I noticed that my husband began pulling away from me. He started being home much less. He started acting weird. One day, I noticed an email login that was different from what he had used before. It was obvious that he’d opened a new email account without telling me. I asked him about this and his denial was way overblown. I mentioned this to my mom and she said this is a classic indicator of cheating. When I asked my husband about this, he insinuated, just like my doctors, that I was crazy. Well, fast forward six months. I’m not so crazy after all. I have an awful autoimmune condition that I now have to learn to manage. And I have a husband who started cheating on me as I was struggling with my health. I feel so let down. The people that I needed help from – my doctors and my husband – have seriously not been there for me. And not only did they not support me, but they made things worse for me. Now that my medical condition is confirmed, my husband is all apologetic and is wanting to be my rock. I am thinking that it is too late for this. Can a man who let you down with his infidelity turn around and be there for you when times get tough?”

My answer may sound evasive and I don’t mean for it to be. But quite frankly, it depends on the man involved. I firmly believe, from my own experience and from the people who tell me their own stories, that there are a good number of men out there who make the mistake of cheating once but who then get very serious about discovering what lead to this and fixing it.  And they fix it permanently and become the husband that you deserve. Because they are determined to be the kind of husbands that they know themselves to be. In fact, many of them use the cheating as a motivator to be that much better and they become the kind of husbands that most wives want – meaning that they are loyal, affectionate and supportive.

Having said this, I have to admit that there are also some husbands who continue to let their wives down once again over the course of their marriage. This is either because they are not willing to change, they are not willing to admit that they are the problem, or they have not learned how to diminish their vulnerability or how to place safeguards in place.

So how do you know which category your own husband fits into? Well, you can look at past behavior. Has he had a long history of having your back and supporting you? Can you be relatively sure that this is a one-time mistake that he is more than willing to remedy now? Speaking of remedy, men who are willing to become the kind of husband who makes amends for letting you down will often be willing to go to counseling – or at least to get some kind of help.

Even if you aren’t seeing attempts of rehabilitation from your husband, that doesn’t mean that you can’t tell him what you need and then give him the option to rise to the occasion. But, it really helps if he shows some willingness to make this right. And you may need to define for him what you need in order to make this happen.

I can’t tell you that a man cheating on you when you need him the most isn’t a let down. It is. And I know from experience that it is very painful. But I can also tell you that some men do use this as a type of horrible wake up call in order for them to make a promise to themselves – and to you – that they will never let you down again.

I agree with this wife.  My husband also let me down with his affair.  But over the years, he has also made it up to me.  He is a great husband today.  Does this negate the affair?  No, it doesn’t.  But I am glad that I gave him the chance to make it right again.  But this is an individual choice.  If it helps, you can read more about own experience on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Has Let Me Down With His Infidelity

By: Katie Lersch:  I think it’s probably fair to say that a good number of women initially consider altering or ending their marriage after learning of their husband’s affair.  Because it’s a knee-jerk reaction that doesn’t consider the long -term reality.  Your mind figures that A plus B should equal C.  In other words, cheating plus marriage should equal divorce.

But your mind is not your heart.  And your marriage is not an equation.  There are people involved.  There will be real consequences to your decision.  If you have children, your decision will affect their lives greatly. It may even affect how they run their own households or their own marriages as adults. So, as much as some of us might like to just throw our marriages away without a second thought, we can’t always do that.

And this realization can make you feel a little resentful and helpless.  You can feel as if you are “stuck” in a horrible marriage and a dreadful life.  A wife might say: “when I admit reality to myself, I see that I have no choice but to stay in my marriage.  My husband cheated on me.  He says that he is sorry.  He says that we can get through this.  I am not sure that I want to get through it, but I also do not have a real choice.  I could never be the one who chooses to break up my children’s family. And frankly, when I had children, we made the decision that I would stay home.  I know that I could work again if I had to, but I would not make the kind of money needed to maintain a decent lifestyle.  So being on my own would be a disaster in so many ways.  So I am stuck in this marriage with a man who cheated on me.  What now?”

I understand your frustration.  You feel as if you don’t have any control and you’re left to just live in unfortunate circumstances which may not change.  I’m certainly not a therapist, but I do know that in my own case, one of the first things that made me feel better was to take back a sense of control.  It gives you purpose.  It gives you your self respect back.  And you no longer feel as if you’re just sort of blowing in the wind.

Taking Back A Sense Of Control With A Plan: One way to take back to control is to have a plan.  I know that you are angry with your husband and you are justified in this anger.  But ask yourself what you might want five years from now, when that anger has faded.  If you are going to be married (and we can assume so as that is the decision you have made,) then do you really want to be married and unhappy?

You may feel that this is out of your control, but that’s not entirely accurate.  You can’t control what you husband does, but you can choose your own behaviors.  You can decide if you want to get help and do everything in your power to heal your marriage.  As you’ve indicated that your husband is remorseful, it seems likely that he would be willing to cooperate in this regard.

You don’t want to feel like a victim. And you will feel less like a victim if you pursue healing so that hopefully and eventually, you feel content in your marriage and can actively choose to stay in it.  Counseling is one way to do this.  Self help is another. I would suggest not just doing nothing and continuing to be angry but stuck.

Getting What You Truly Deserve: Trying to move forward and wanting to heal does not mean that the anger magically goes away, but it does mean that you now have a constructive outlet for that anger.  A good counselor or good self help program can help you direct that anger toward change.

You deserve more than feeling like you are serving a life sentence for infidelity that wasn’t yours.  Quite honestly, I think that living in a miserable marriage is even worse than dealing with infidelity.  Because with the right tools, the pain of infidelity can wane or end, but living in a miserable marriage goes on and on.

If you are committed to staying in your marriage, it makes sense to try to heal it.  Because it’s not fair to anyone to just accept that you’re going to just be treading water, not really happy or engaged and just sort of there.

Every one deserves more than this, including you. Why not at least attempt to make it as good as you possibly can?  If you want to spell this out for you husband, you might try something like: “we both know that, at least for now, I’m staying in the marriage because it is best for everyone.  But that doesn’t mean that I’m happy right now. I do not want to live my life in a miserable, struggling marriage.  It is not good for our kids and it is not good for us.  I would like to find something to help us.  I’m going to educate myself on the best way to do this.  And I want your commitment that you will participate in whatever I decide. I do not want to be unhappy and resentful and I don’t think that you want that either.  Will you commit to helping me work through this?”

Most men will say yes to this because they don’t want for any of you to be unhappy.  And they likely feel very guilty because deep down, they know that all of this unhappiness is because of them.

I understand your anger because I felt the same anger.  But, it is exhausting to hold onto that anger and pain.  While it’s not always possible to let it go immediately, I can tell you it is SUCH A RELIEF to put it down eventually. There’s more about this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Have No Choice But To Stay Married To My Husband Even Though He Had An Affair. What Now?

By: Katie Lersch: Many spouses fear or believe that quite a bit is missing from their marriage after their spouse cheats or has an affair.  One constant that you hear concerning lack after an affair is the lack of sorrow or remorse.  Another is the lack of emotion or warmth.  You often hear spouses describe the other as “emotionally distant.”  What does this mean, exactly?  Here is an example.

A wife might say: “when I first found out about his affair, my husband immediately acted like he wanted to save our marriage.  He was all full of apologies and he was clearly panicked. He obviously wanted me to say that I wasn’t going to leave him.  I promised that I would not do anything without giving it a lot of thought first.  And so far, I have not left him.  But I am bothered by the fact that he is so distant emotionally.  He acts like a robot.  There is no spontaneous emotion.  No laughing.  Or even crying.  His fists are balled up by his side like he’s taking huge pains to keep a lid on his emotions.  This bothers me.  Last week, a good friend of mine got a devastating diagnosis.  And I was so upset.  I flung myself in my husband’s arms for comfort.  He methodically told me that it would be OK.  But he kept his arms at his sides – fists balled up once again and he never once put his arms around me.  Sometimes, I want to ask him what is wrong with him. I wonder if he doesn’t love or want me anymore or if he has changed his mind about us.  Why would a person be emotionally distant after an affair – especially if he’s claiming to want his wife back?”

There are many possible reasons – and not all of them have anything to do with a lack of love for you. In fact, some of them indicate just the opposite.  Note that these are only my theories.  This is only one person’s opinion.  I have watched this happen with my own spouse and I’ve heard about it from others.

The Process Of A Cheater Distancing Themselves From Their Emotions: I believe that a person who has gone through the process of cheating can very commonly turn down or turn away from their emotions.  They do this for a couple of reasons.  If they didn’t, they would feel immense guilt and shame – which is painful and which might be overwhelming, considering what they are doing to their own life.  To carry out their cheating and be able to sleep at night and look in the mirror, they no longer listen to that voice in the back of their head.  They become at least somewhat immune to the worry and the guilt.  They often try to feel less for their spouse because it makes it a little easier to carry out the cheating and still appear to be somewhat normal.  So this turning away from their emotions becomes a lasting habit that is present even after the affair is discovered.

Someone Who is Cheating Is Often Running From The Real Problem: Here is what I believe to be a huge consideration.  A person will generally have an affair when they are undergoing some sort of personal identity crisis.  They may be reacting to unexpected stress.  They may be trying to feel better about themselves.  They may be looking for an escape.  Now, the optimal way to deal with this would be to get real, take a long hard look at what is wrong, and then methodically fix it.

But this is not the path that people who cheat ultimately take.  They run.  They run as far as fast from their problems as they can.  And having the affair is part of the running.  And the reason they can run is because they have turned away from their feelings.  They have cut off their emotions from their regular life.  So when the affair ends, this turning away or turning down the volume on their emotions has become a habit to them.  So that’s the first thing to consider.

They Don’t Feel Deserving: Here’s another consideration. Often, the cheating spouse doesn’t feel that he deserves anything from his spouse.  He feels that he doesn’t deserve to be the one to comfort her.  Also, he’s usually extremely afraid of rejection.  He envisions that he will go to comfort you, only to be told not to touch you.  He doesn’t want to come off as a creep who is already attempting to make romantic or emotional overtures before any time has passed.

So how do you address this?  Well, unless you are willing to wait for some time to pass before he feels more comfortable or sees the necessity of showing his emotions, you might try addressing this with him.  You’d probably know the words or phrases that would be effective on him more than I would, but a suggestion is something like: “I know that this is a difficult time for both of us.  But you’ve told me that you want to maintain our marriage and so I have to take that at face value.  At the same time, your actions aren’t completely going hand in hand with what you’re saying.  I need support from you. By now, you know how much my friend means to me.  Part of being married is having someone who will comfort and support you when things like this happen.  If we’re going to stay married, I need for you to be that person for me. I know that things are different between us and that we have a lot of work to do.  But I want to make it clear that I want for you to show me your emotions.  If you felt unsure about that, let me clear it up.  I don’t want for you to hold back.  I need to see what you are feeling.  And even though we have plenty of work to do, I still need support from you.”

Sometimes this is all he needs – the green light.  Other men may require for you to remind them when you see them slip back into old patterns.  But as time goes by and he sees over and over again that you expect to see his emotions, he will understand that it’s safe not to hide them and you should see some improvement in this.

I saw these same behaviors in my own husband.  But I was willing to have at least some things return gradually at times rather than to apply pressure.  We had enough pressure at that point.  And eventually, his emotions started to come through. You’re welcome to read more about how I juggled all of this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Spouse Is Emotionally Distant After Having An Affair

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who have cheated on their spouse and who realize that they should be overcome with remorse and sorrow. Intellectually, they know that cheating is wrong and that they have done an awful thing. But somehow, they just can’t regret their actions. And they wonder why. So they suspect that something is wrong with them because of this.

I might hear from a wife who says: “I never would have thought that I would cheat on my husband. I am very reserved and I have always had a strong sense of right and wrong. I am extremely dependable and loyal. I did not cheat with a stranger. I cheated with my high school boyfriend. He was my first love. And for many years, he was my everything.  So I do not regret loving him again.  In truth, I never stopped. I know that sounds awful. And I am not sure why I don’t regret it. All I can tell you is that being with the other man woke me up and made me feel alive again for the first time in years. I was a different person when I was with the other man both times. I was a better person. I am adventurous and fun loving when I am in a relationship with him. The other day, my son told me that I was so much more fun lately. He is right. I am bubbling over with happiness. I know that it can not last. The other man is in the military and he has just been assigned thousands of miles away. I won’t uproot my kids. And I know that my husband is a good man with whom I would be better off. So the other man and I know that we will have to end things. I will miss him so much. But I like who I am much better when I am with him. Even though I can’t be with him anymore, I am reminded of who I want to be. My husband doesn’t know about any of this. And I know that I am going to have to tell him. And I know that every one expects me to fall all over myself with regret, sorrow, and remorse. I hope that I am able to fake all of this, because I know it would look bad if I let my true feelings show. But I am not sorry. I can’t be sorry because the relationship between he and I is so precious to me. I am not the type of person who is normally cold and callous. I am sorry that it took this relationship to light and wake me up, but I am not sorry that I had the relationship if that makes sense. Still, I worry that my lack of remorse and sorrow means that there is something wrong with me. Does it?”

Putting It In Perspective: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. But if I were to tell you about my first real love, I would tell you that it ended very badly. It hurt me more than any relationship ever has. It took me a very long time to get over it. And I hurt some good men along the way because I was very damaged by it. At the same time, if you asked me if regretted it, I would tell you that I did not. And if you had told me on the day that I met him how it would end and how painful it would have been, I would have gone forward anyway.  The love was worth the pain.  Because I have very fond memories of that love and it did transform me. However, if my old boyfriend showed up tomorrow and asked me to start all over, I wouldn’t. Because I am married. Because I am not the same person I was many years ago. Because being an adult means that you let go of the past.

Feelings Change When The Ones You Love Are Hurt: I suspect that your feelings may change a bit once your husband finds out. Why? Because right now, there are no consequences for your actions. But when you see the pain on your husband’s face, I think you will feel some sorrow for that. I think you might realize that the price for your awakening was very high.

That doesn’t mean the awakening didn’t happen. And that also doesn’t mean that you can’t be unapologetic and grateful for the awakening and yet very sorry for how it came to be. In other words, you can be glad for the benefits, but very sorry about the cost for the same.

And I don’t think that this is something that has to be or should be faked. It seems that you still hold your husband in very high regard and are invested in your marriage. Both of those things would almost ensure regret that you betrayed and hurt your husband, who you have called a good man.

I suspect that right now, you are riding on the emotions of the affair. But, once it has ended and the other man is thousands of miles away, common sense is going to prevail. Since the relationship can’t continue on, you’re likely going to come down from that high. And when you do, it is going to be easier to face the reality that you betrayed your spouse and likely seriously damaged your marriage. I am not sure how there can’t be regret in that. Even if you are not invested in your marriage, you still hurt someone who is very important to you and the father of your kids.

I am not saying this to make you feel bad or to pour salt in the wounds. I’m just suggesting that I think there may be more remorse than you realize. And, I think that more may be on the horizon. I also don’t think there is anything wrong with you. It’s common to try to justify the journey if the destination was bliss. But this will typically end once the destination is over and reality hits.

Once the truth is out there and it’s time to get back to real life, the healing must begin.  I won’t lie to you.  This may be a hard journey.  But in the end, taking responsibility and fixing the damage is almost always worth it.  Even if you ultimately decide that you don’t want to save your marriage, healing means that you will be healthy and whole for future relationships.  You can read more about my struggles with this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Don’t Regret My Affair And How It Changed Me. What’s Wrong With Me?

By: Katie Lersch: It’s understandable to want to recoil after your significant other cheats or has an affair.  When he hugs you, then you think about him hugging her.  When he kisses you, you wonder if he’s thinking about kissing her.  And I do not even want to think about the sex part.  So it’s completely natural to shut down when it comes to his touch because of this.  But this can leave you wondering how your reaction might affect your relationship.

Someone might say: “I found out that my fiancé cheated on me when his ex girlfriend came back to town for a visit.  She was only here for a week, so it did not last for very long.  One of my friends saw them and told me.  It was so embarrassing to me for my friends to know what he did. I have threatened to call off the wedding and this is not just an idle threat.  I have really considered it.  And one reason for this is that I can’t not stand for him to touch me.  I will be crying and talking about the affair and he will reach out to comfort me and I will wiggle away.  I will ask him what happens when she comes for another visit and he will try to hug me, but I pull away.  If I find his touches and hugs so objectionable, then I can not even imagine sex ever again.  At the same time, I am not sure that I want to give up this relationship.  I can’t marry him right away, but if we are able to make it past this, then I might marry him in the future.  It’s just that I can’t even think of all of this right now. It overwhelms me.”

Know That This Is Normal: Of course it overwhelms you.  Everything is very fresh right now.  This is very normal.  You are not the only woman to recoil at the touch of a man who has hurt you.  But, it is possible to move past this, if that is what you choose to do.  And you get the make all of the choices.

I know that you might be tempted to force yourself to be more accepting or to think that there is something wrong with you, but I don’t feel that you have to do that at this early stage.  You are still trying to process your feelings and I would suspect that your fiancé understands this.  He may be hurt that you reject his touch, but he likely understands why you do.  And he knows that the reason that you do is all his fault.

Whatever You Are Feeling Throughout The Process Is OK: I also know that you might be thinking that you might not even want for him to touch you again.  That may be.  Or, it may not be.  If you choose to heal your relationship, then eventually touch will likely one day be part of your relationship again.  Just like one day the trust and the affection will return, so too will the need for touch because that is just part of a healthy relationship.  And if you are able to heal, then your relationship can be healthy again.

Some people choose not to maintain the relationship.  They decide that this is not something that they can – or want – to get over and so they move on.  That is your right.

But I did want to give you a picture of both sides.  Recoiling at his touch right now is not indicative that your relationship is doomed, over, or can never be made right.  It just means that you have trouble accepting anything from him right now because he has hurt you.  In time and with healing, this can and would likely change.

So I don’t want you to think that your reaction wouldn’t eventually change.  But I also want you to know that you don’t have to force yourself to feel any differently than you do.  This is a process and you will likely find that your feelings and perceptions change drastically throughout it.

Some women tell me that they almost feel guilty or apologetic about this.  They see him trying really hard to reach them and yet they just are not ready.  You can always address this if it would make it easier.  You might try: “I appreciate your trying to comfort me, but right now, touch is very hard for me.  I just need for you to respect that.  I am not saying that it is always going to be this way.  Maybe instead you could just verbally tell me that you support me or you could use words to say what you are feeling.  But for right now, the touch just makes things worse for me.  Will you respect that?”

Most men will respect that if the relationship is important to them.  They might not like it.  They might feel rejected.  But they know that it is due to their own actions that you are in this place.  So they will often try to cooperate with whatever guidance you give them.

Likewise, there may come a time when you actually want his physical reassurance.  When that time comes, don’t be shy about telling him that you’ve changed your stance and that you’d like whatever touch you are comfortable with.  He can’t read your mind, so you will have to give him cues as to how he can best support you – at least for a little while.

I absolutely went through this also.  My husband stayed outside of our home for a while because even a glance from him sickened me, much less a touch.  I thought I would never want for him to touch me again.  But with healing, my thought process changed.  It takes time for you to process what is happening and to decide what you want to happen going forward. But there is no hurry.  The timing is up to you. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on He Cheated And Now I Don’t Want Him To Touch Me. Is Our Relationship Over?

By: Katie Lersch:  If you are in a situation where your spouse hasn’t decided if they are willing to end the affair for the sake of your marriage, you can get to the point where you think that if you could just get past that hurdle and find a way to end things once and for all, then you could finally begin to move on.  This is the hope, anyway.  But some people find that once the affair ends, things don’t fall into place as easily as you hoped.

Someone might say: “when I caught my husband cheating, he was honest about his confused feelings.  He said that he loved me and that he was sorry.  But he said he wouldn’t lie and pretend that he didn’t also love the other woman.  He said he needed a little time to figure out what he was going to do.  I told him this wasn’t going to fly.  I even got our counselor on his back about it.  Still, he held firm.  He said he wasn’t going to lie and tell me that he broke it off when he knew that he wasn’t. This went on for about four weeks and then he finally came home and announced that he had ended it.  I wasn’t sure that I believed him.  So I called the other woman. She was actually crying and she said that yes, he had broke it off and that she hopes she never sees either of us ever again.  That is fine with me, also.  I feel a sense of relief.  But I do not feel as happy as I thought I might.  Because now I don’t know what to do.  I mean, I guess I won.  But clearly, it was a tough decision for him.  He wasn’t sure that he wanted me.  I feel insecure.  I’m still angry.  Our lives are still shattered.  What now? What happens after the affair is finally over?”

Well, I suppose it is the time to get clear on what you want moving forward and then get to work toward making it happen.  Since you are in counseling and were willing to wait for him to come to a decision, it seems pretty clear that you suspect that you want to save your marriage.

We often assume that once the business of the affair is over, our marriage should just fall back into place.  This would be somewhat fair after all that we have been through.  I sure wish that’s how it happens. But in my experience, it is not.

If you just sit around and wait for that to happen, you may be waiting for a long while.  And your marriage may continue to deteriorate in the meantime. You have to be proactive about moving forward.  And often, you need to do this as an individual and as a couple.  Because as an individual and a woman, your self esteem and your belief in your own perceptions have been challenged.  You feel damaged.  It’s extremely hard to heal a marriage with this kind of individual transformation. If you can strengthen yourself as an individual, it will be easier, and more effective, to save your marriage.

And, the same is completely true for your husband.  The person who cheated will often need even more individual work.  They need to determine what was behind their actions and they often need to work through the guilt and self loathing that they may feel after the affair.

It seems you are already in counseling and that is wonderful.  Because your counselor can help walk you through this process.  And sometimes, the process does take some time.  You may not know exactly what you want or exactly how to go about getting it.  But now that the affair is over, things don’t need to feel so immediate.  You may start to realize that now you can let out your breath and take your time.

Please be gentle with yourself.  Don’t apply pressure.  I know it’s a stretch to ever look at an affair as a good thing or an opportunity.  But it does give you the ability to take inventory.  It does make room for positive change.  It does allow you to define a new life and a new marriage if this is what you want. But these things don’t just happen.  You have to define them as a wish and then you need to formulate a plan as to how you get there and then follow that plan – even when it’s easy to get discouraged or derailed.

It often takes one step a time. Perhaps you will work on communication first and then trust and then intimacy.  As long as you are making progress, try not to think that you are doing it all wrong.  You won’t always feel like things are going your way, but at least you will know that you are on a forward path if you stay the course.

There was definitely a holding pattern after my husband’s affair.  He lived outside of our home for a short while and I worked on myself.  By the time we got serious about saving our marriage, we were both pretty clear that we shared the commitment.  Then, it was just a matter of finding a workable plan.  This wasn’t automatic.  We tried some things and discarded some when they didn’t work.  And when we found things that helped, we did those things more.  We made slow progress but eventually we got where we wanted to go.  You’re welcome to read more about my own process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on The Affair Is Over. What Now?

By: Katie Lersh:  I think that it is fair to say that, for most wives who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair, the truth becomes very important.  Many of us will insist that nothing less than brutal honesty will do.  When you have been lied to about something as serious as fidelity in your marriage, you realize just how damaging any type of lie can be.

To that end, many wives will be highly upset by any lie at all – even little white ones or those that would have otherwise seemed quite harmless in the past.  One might explain: “I constantly catch my husband in little half-truths.  And it is driving me crazy.  Even I have to admit that none of these omissions are serious things. In fact, two years ago, I would not have even have given any of these things a second thought.  But now, since my husband and I are trying to recover from an affair, I understandably demand complete honesty.  The things are minor – he will say that they celebrated one person’s birthday at the office, when in fact it was someone different entirely.  He will exaggerate the cost of something.  He will tell me that he had a meeting on Tuesday when in fact it was on Wednesday.  For most of these things, he will insist that he made an honest mistake and that he wasn’t deliberately trying to deceive me.  He will ask why it is important that he exaggerated the cost of something by five dollars or misspoke about a birthday. I have tried to explain to him that it is important because a habit of little mistruths makes me wonder what else he might be stretching the truth about.  At that point, he gets angry, says that everything comes back to the affair, and tells me that no one can get everything accurate 100 percent of the time. He asked me to examine everything I say over the course of a day and then he predicted that I will find myself surprised at how much I innocently ‘slip up.’ Well, I tried that experiment.  And frankly, the vast majority of the time, I was accurate on everything.  Which makes me worry that I am inherently an honest person while my husband is not.  To be fair, I didn’t used to think of him as a dishonest person.  In the past, I would have chalked this up to my husband not being a particularly observing or exact person.  He misses things.  He’s not always paying the closest attention.  But since he has deceived me about something as big as our marriage, I can’t seem to give him the benefit of the doubt anymore.  I look for fault and deception everywhere. I am wondering if I need to stop this or if he needs to start telling the complete truth.  If so, how do I stop?  I have become so suspicious that it is a little unsettling.”

Understanding The Reasons And Consequences Behind Your Actions: I understand why you feel the way that you do.  What you are experiencing is extremely common.  You’re afraid that he will cheat again and so you are always on the look out for deception.  The upside to this is that it can make you feel as though you are less likely to be caught off guard again.  But the down side to this is that sometimes, you will see trouble where none exists.  And you will feel paranoid, while your husband will feel frustrated.

This can get better in time.  As you come to see that nothing catastrophic is happening, you can begin to relax.  However, there is no sense in being uncomfortable and suspicious if a little compromise might make this better.  I think that if both of you give just a little, this situation may improve some.

Effectively Addressing The Issue: I know that it’s very tempting to get accusatory and to start peppering him with questions when you believe that you’ve caught him in a lie or an omission, but I think it can help to pause for just a second and then to say something like: “listen, I know that this seems very petty and nit-picky to you.  But considering what we have been through because of deception, I am going to ask you to think and to be very specific.  I think that this need for precision on my part might change and improve some as we heal, but right now, it makes sense to make sure we do everything possible to restore the trust.  When you tell me something that isn’t completely and totally true, it makes it hard for me to trust you completely.  Admittedly, I am overly suspicious because of what I have been through, but I think that this is understandable.  It may seem as you are having to overcompensate for a while, but I think that it is reasonable of me to ask this of you.  Please just make sure when you tell me something, it is accurate to the best of your ability. In turn, I will try not to look for untruths when they aren’t there. Right now, the truth is vitally important to me.  I think that you understand why.  So let’s work hard not to let this issue continue to come between us.  Can we agree on that?

If you both try to give a little, I hope that you will see some improvement in this issue.  Restoring the trust is one of the hardest issues to overcome.  But it is also the most important issue to conquer because it is no fun constantly thinking that he is lying to you and him constantly feeling as if you are always waiting to catch him in a lie.

I was suspicious of my husband quite a lot after the affair.  I accused him of lying when he wasn’t.  I found that healing our marriage was the most effective way to deal with the perceived lies.  Once I began to trust again, I was no longer looking for any little slip.  I worried that relaxing on that count might mean that I would be caught unaware again, but that didn’t happen.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Ever Since My Husband Had An Affair, Even Little White Lies And Small Omissions Make Me Furious And Suspicious