Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  A cheating husbands will sometimes give his wife various reasons that he can not possibly give up the other woman or mistress.

Excuses that I’ve heard are things like: “she’s so fragile that I can’t break it off right now;” or “I’m going to break it off but I need to do it gradually.”  Another is “but she’s my best friend. I can tell her anything. I don’t want her out of my life.  So we will be friends, but it will no longer be a romantic relationship.”

This leaves the wife with an awful choice.  If she’s going to get the romantic relationship ended, does she have to accept that this woman is going to be her husband’s best friend?  A wife might ask: “how am I supposed to handle my husband’s mistress when he claims that she is his very best friend?  My husband grew up in the same neighborhood as this woman.  Their mothers are very good friends and almost consider each other to be sisters.  My husband actually calls the other woman’s mother his aunt.  My husband swears that there was nothing but friendship between them except for when their relationship changed over this last year. He swears that he never intended to leave me.  But he says that he can’t think about ending their relationship either.  He said that he needs her because she knew him when he was nobody and he knows that she cares about him for himself and not for his achievements.  Like every wife in this situation, I want her gone. But he refuses to even think about it.  He acts as if he can’t function without her.  He says that she is his best friend and always will be.  I don’t want to lose my marriage.  I want a chance to make it work.  But I don’t know how it can work with her still in our lives and with her being so important to my husband.  I think about the way that I feel about my best friend (who is a woman) and I can understand not wanting to let go of that support.  I want her in my life and would be mad if my husband made me end the relationship.  But it’s different because my best friend doesn’t threaten my marriage.  Am I wrong about this?”

I don’t think that you are wrong at all.  In my opinion, it would be extremely hard to live in harmony with this situation.  I am sure that there is a couple out there who has done it successfully, but I would suspect that their situation was extremely rare.

It would be very hard to know that your husband continues to see her regularly, share his hopes and dreams with her, talk about your marriage with her, and generally fold her into your lives.  You would always worry that they are going to cross the line again.  And it would very hard for you to completely heal, while having to always worry about this.

So how do you get him to agree?  I think that the easiest way would be to go to counseling.  Because although I’m sure there are a few counselors out there who might try to work with what you have, I’d suspect that most of them would tell him that he has to end the relationship – at least somewhat.  While it is unrealistic to think that he may never see or interact with her again (because of the closeness between the families,) it is fair to expect for him to see her rarely and to interact with her even less.

Yes, this is sad and unfortunate.  But he made that so when he allowed for their relationship to change.  He is the one who made that choice.  And unless you are willing to have an open marriage and share him, I suspect that their relationship as it is now is going to need to end completely and with finality.

It is just too much to ask of you to allow her to remain in your life.  And it is too much temptation for him.  If the roles were reversed and your best friend was a man with whom you’d developed an inappropriate relationship or had an affair, do you think that he would allow you to carry on with the friendship?  Few people would.  Most people would insist that the relationship end.

If you are not comfortable making this demand or you know that he is just going to refuse, then know that I truly believe most counselors would immediately tell him that keeping that relationship (even if it’s supposedly just a friendship) is just not realistic or advisable.  Sometimes, when it is coming from someone who isn’t you, who is an expert, and to whom you are paying good money, the message is received a little better.

I can tell you that it is a challenge to revive your marriage after an affair even when the other woman is obviously and completely out of the picture.  I can not imagine doing it if she were openly still in the picture and still given a front and center place in the husband’s life and heart.  I do not think that I could have accepted or worked with that situation, but every one is different.  And every marriage has its challenges after an affair.  You’re welcome to read about mine on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Wives who recount a husband who is unfaithful will often notice that he pulled away either before the infidelity happened, as it was happening, or after it was over.  Many wives don’t completely understand why he would want to isolate himself in this way, especially when it makes the whole situation a little more obvious.

Someone may ask a question like this one:  “frankly, one of the reasons that I knew my husband was cheating is because he stopped attending almost all family outings.  He stopped wanting to go to church as a family.  He stopped our Sunday and Friday night dinners.  He stopped attending movie night.  He was no longer confiding in me. He stopped investing time in my children.  So I knew that there was some major reason that he was pulling away.  When I found out that he had been cheating, I was not even that surprised.  But what does surprise me is that now that the affair is over, he is still pulling away.  He says he wants this marriage and this family.  He promises me that these claims are true. But he sure is not participating in any of it.  He still doesn’t interact with us.  He still mostly keeps to himself.  I tell him that in order to heal, we need to spend time together and pull toward each other.  He doesn’t even really respond to this.  Why do men isolate themselves during infidelity?  And why do they continue to do it even when the infidelity is over?”

I am certainly no expert, but from my own experience and observations, men isolate themselves before and during infidelity for different reasons than they isolate themselves afterwards.

Why Men Isolate Themselves Before The Affair:  In the time period before the affair, men may be struggling with an issue in their lives and they are not reaching out to their spouse for help.  This isn’t their spouse’s fault.  Because they sometimes never even gave their spouse a chance to help matters.  But they isolate themselves because they are struggling.  As a result, they feel increasingly alone and vulnerable.

This vulnerability is often the precursor to the affair.  They end up reaching out to someone else for relief instead of their spouse.  Perhaps they don’t want to burden their spouse with their issue or they are embarrassed and afraid that they spouse will think less of them if they share their vulnerability.

During The Affair: Once the affair happens, men isolate themselves because they don’t want to raise suspicion.  They don’t want for you to look closely because that increases the risk of detection.  Also, he likely feels very guilty and ashamed.  Seeing you and spending time with you only increases this guilt.  So it makes it easier on him if he can spend less time with you and more time with himself.

Isolation Once Detection Has Taken Place: Once the affair is found out, the isolation is because he’s likely embarrassed and trying to minimize the fall out.  He simply doesn’t want to face you.  And he may feel as if he doesn’t deserve to be around you.  He doesn’t know what to say or do so he figures that it’s best to just keep to himself and let you tell him when you’re ready to communicate or to move forward.  It doesn’t seem fair that he wants you to come to him, does it?  But he’s likely afraid of your reaction so he figures it’s best to steer clear of you right now.

So how do you get him out of his isolation?  Well, you have a couple of options.  Going to counseling together is a fast way to get him to open up.  It may feel better to him if someone other than you is asking the questions.

If you are not in counseling, you can attempt to communicate that his current level of isolation isn’t agreeable to you.  An example is something like: “I can’t help but notice that more and more, you are isolating yourself from me and the family.  I get that you might not be sure how much I want you around right now because I’m angry and hurt.  But I don’t think avoiding each other is doing us any good.  We’re going to need to communicate eventually.  And when you isolate yourself, it just makes things more awkward and cold between us.  Nothing is going to be gained by not talking or interacting.  I don’t expect for us to have a high degree of intimacy immediately.  That isn’t realistic.  But I do expect for us to have access to one another and to be able to talk openly.  Maybe we can do this on our own or maybe we need counseling to help us, but I don’t think that it’s in our best interest for either of us to just draw into ourselves. Do you agree?”

In the days to come, you may have to remind him about this.  When you notice him become isolated, you may have to call him out and ask him to join you.  In other words, you may have to constantly ask him not to isolate himself.  But once he finds that there truly is no place to hide, he will likely stop trying.  In truth, there is no escaping dealing with the affair.  He may be trying to hide, but the issues will likely keep coming on until you deal with them.  He may not realize this initially, but it usually becomes apparent soon enough.

I admit that both my husband and I isolated ourselves after the detection of his affair.  I had no desire to be around him and he was scared to be around me.  This phase ended relatively quickly because of our children.  But that doesn’t mean there was smooth sailing ahead.  Not by a long shot.  We had a tough period that we had to get through.  But we eventually found some help in getting there.  You can read more more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who are trying very hard to understand the motivation of the other woman.  They want to know who or what they are dealing with, of course.  But many do not understand how someone would want to have a relationship with a man who is already committed or already has a family.  Who would want to be in a relationship that is so complicated and so hurtful.  When there are so many other men out there, why chose one that is married?  What could possibly be in it for her?

A wife might say: “I do not understand what my husband’s other woman is expecting to accomplish.  She has her own business and her own money.  She is successful.  She has never been married and doesn’t seem interested in getting married.  So I don’t know what she would be looking to get out of this.  What does the other woman typically want?”

It certainly varies.  In the same way that people have different motivations in all relationships, so too does the other woman. However, because I write articles about this, I do hear from many people in many different situations.  Below, I will go over some of the motivations that I commonly see.

The Attention And An Ego Boost:  In today’s society, people seemed almost starved for attention.  Many people base their value on how many “likes” they get on Facebook or how popular they are on instagram.  Our culture today seems to have the perception that if you don’t get a lot of attention, you are not worthy.

So many women in an affair are drawn to the attention.  It gives their ego a boost and they are thrilled to know that they can get someone else’s husband to pay attention to them. I know that it’s kind of sad.  But in some cases it is true.

The Excitement Of Doing Something That Isn’t Right:  People who are honest will often tell you that it wasn’t necessarily the sex in an affair that was the draw, it was the fact that the sex was forbidden.  Some people just like the thrill of knowing that they are doing something that is frowned upon.  It intensifies the experience.

A Relationship Without Attachments Or Complications: Believe it or not, some women who have affairs with married men do not want anything in return.  Some of them are very clear that they never want to be in a committed relationship.  So they get involved with a married man who is also clear on the fact that he has no intention of leaving his wife or family.  Neither of them want anything more than a relationship with no strings attached.  They feel that this keeps things less complicated.

The Continuation Of Being A Glutton For Punishment:  Some women have an uncanny knack for choosing emotionally unavailable men.  They may have low self esteem and are not doing this consciously.  They just seem to be a magnet for men who have no intention of doing right by them.  Sure, the men will take what the woman is offering, but they never have any intention of truly standing by her.  Because of her lack of self esteem, she can repeat this process several times.  She may or may not finally wise up and learn to choose men who are available either literally or emotionally.

A Lack Of Truth: Every once in a while, I will hear from someone who swears that the man never told her that he was married and she never figured it out until she was heavily invested in the relationship.  Many times, she never would have had anything to do with him if she had known he was married. But once she finds out about the marriage, she doesn’t break it off because she believes that she has developed real feelings.

The Hope Of Something More:  On the other end of the spectrum is the other woman who knows with her head that this man is married ,but is hoping with her heart that he is going to grow to care for her enough that she may eventually become the wife.  These women like to believe that they are special in some way – so special in fact that he is going to throw everything away to be with her.

These are the women who will continue to call and try to maintain contact even with the husband tries to break it off and honestly tells her that he is going to work on his marriage and stop cheating.  These are the women who heard the husband say that he had no intention of ending his marriage, but who thought that they could change his mind after a little while.

As you can see, women have various motivations and wishes when they have an affair.  One size does not fit all.  In the case that this wife described, the other woman may fall into the category of not wanting a permanent or serious relationship.  She may be the type of other woman who actually seeks out married men so that she can have a relationship where nothing overly emotional or permanent takes place.  This feels more safe to her and she doesn’t see herself as a threat to your marriage.  But obviously, she can’t make that call for you.  Because you know that the existence of cheating is threat enough.

I know that this is hard.  I did try to figure out what the other woman was thinking or wanting.  But I decided that ultimately, what mattered most was what I wanted.  Because at the end of the day, I was committed to getting her out of our lives for good.  That’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Of all of the reasons that people give me for trying to save their marriage after infidelity, their children is the most common – by far. I can identify with this because I can honestly say that if it were not for my own children, I might not even have considered not immediately leaving my marriage the second the affair was discovered.

And while the desire to save the marriage for the kids is often there, the understanding as to why this is necessary is not. People just can not understand how a man who so clearly values his family over everything else would risk the very thing that he values the most.

A wife might ask: “I truly didn’t understand my husband’s affair yesterday, but this morning, I saw the other woman. And now, I really do not understand it. I’m more confused now than before. She’s not even attractive. She’s about twenty pounds overweight. I don’t get why my husband would risk his family – who I know he adores – for this ugly witch. I remember times when my husband would stay up all night with sick children. Very recently, he worked two jobs so that our family would have our dream home. He puts aside double savings for our retirement. He plans our long-term future. I know that he plans to be with his family forever. I know that he would be devastated if he didn’t get to live with his children. And I truly believe that he loves me. Why then, would he risk this for a stranger who isn’t even pleasing to look at?”

Any theories that I would come up with would only be speculation. I can tell you that from the men that I hear from, the vast majority of them are looking for ways to convince their wives not to leave them. Much of the time, they still love their wives. But almost all of the time, their first concern is their children. The number one thing that they want to know is how to save their family.

Quite frankly, these men all seem somewhat shell shocked. At times, I’ve wanted to ask them why they didn’t worry about all of these things when they were cheating. But perhaps this makes my point for me. I believe that they do their very best to push this possibility out of their mind. They are able to believe that this day will never come. They rarely intend to leave their wives for the other woman. They honestly don’t believe that this affair was ever going to be a lasting relationship.

In a sense, they are in a state of denial because this is the only way they are able to carry out their risky behavior and still be a part of their family. It is the way to them to keep juggling all of their plates on sticks without them all coming crashing down. It’s never that the men decide that they no longer want to be part of their family or their children’s lives (because not being able to be active in their children’s upbringing is often their very biggest fear.) It’s just that they never believe that it will come down to that.

It’s like eating burgers and fries when you know that this may eventually give you a heart attack.  You know that the risk is real, but you don’t allow yourself to go there because that is a future that you hope will never happen.  So you do not think of it as reality.

And that is why you will often see these men panic when they have to face that harsh reality. Because very often, the wife is not sure if she wants to save her marriage immediately. She needs time to process this and to eventually decide. And it is during this time – when he has no idea if he is going to be able to maintain his family in it’s current state – that he realizes that he has put it all in jeopardy. He hasn’t usually been thinking about that until now. And it is often at this point that he feels the deepest regret.

I can’t speculate about what he saw in the other woman, but I can say that it’s often my belief that it wasn’t that he found something particularly special or alluring about her other than the fact that she was there during a time where he was the most vulnerable or struggling with something. I honestly believe that an affair is about 80% due to something internal going on with the man and about 20% (or less) due to the other woman or the circumstances surrounding her.

In truth, I often think that she could be any one who came into his life at that time – regardless of what she looked like or who she was. I’m fully aware that many people disagree, but this is my take. And you will often hear men agree with this when they admit after the fact that they don’t know what they were thinking or what they saw in this person who is virtual stranger.

The short answer, though, in my view, is that at the time, he convinced himself that he was careful enough or the relationship was going to be short enough so that there was minimal risk. If men truly understood how big a risk they were actually taking, there would likely be much fewer affairs.

I believe that most men who beg their wives not to break up their family are genuine.   They are panicked because it’s only now that they see the risk.  Should they have thought about it before?  Yes, absolutely.  But you can’t change the past.  You can only decide how you want to move forward and then place your focus there.  I ultimately decided to maintaining my family was most important and then I focused on minimizing the future risk. You can read about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When you are cheating or having an affair, you sometimes consider confessing everything and telling your spouse the truth – especially once the affair is over.

Sometimes, you want to confess because you know that it is the right thing to do. Other times, it is the guilt. Or sometimes your spouse is suspicious and asks you about your behavior. Whatever the reason, you make a split-second decision to deny everything.

And although there may be some relief in keeping your secret, you aren’t sure if this is the right call. But something in your heart just can’t bear to hurt your spouse with the truth. So you pray that the truth will never come out. But when it does, not only do you have to deal with the pain that you have caused, you have a spouse who vows to never believe anything that you say ever again.

Someone might explain it this way: “I honestly knew that I should have told my husband the truth about the affair. He had strong suspicions and he confronted me about them. I considered just coming out with the truth. But when I was looking into his eyes and seeing the hurt look on his face, I just could not do that to him. I knew that the affair was totally over. And I knew that I wanted to save my marriage. So I told him that he had it wrong and that I was not cheating. Unfortunately for me, I had confided in the wife of one of my husband’s friends. I thought that I could trust this woman as we have been very close friends for a couple of years. She barely knows my husband, although our husbands work together and are good friends. I guess her husband mentioned my husband’s suspicions to her and she felt that she could not lie to her husband. Of course, my friend’s husband immediately tattled to my husband. I thought about claiming that everyone was lying, but I knew that I could not take it that far. So I had no choice but to confess. Now my husband will not speak to me for more than a couple of minutes at a time. He says he maybe could have forgiven me eventually if I had respected him enough to tell the truth. But he says that he can not overcome lying as well as cheating. I can’t say that I blame him. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to save my marriage. I know that I will never lie to or cheat on him again. But I worry that I will never get another chance. Is there anything that I can do to convince him to at least give me a chance to explain?”

I don’t think that this is an impossible situation if you are truly remorseful and you are willing to be patient. You have to understand that your husband is extremely hurt. He likely needs some time. Pressuring him to listen to you or even to believe you is usually going to fail when this news is so fresh.

I would suggest accepting that he is going to need some time and, in the meantime, controlling what you can. Since you can’t control his thought process or what he is feeling, you want to control yourself. What can you do to make this better? Well, you can explore why you might have cheated and you can figure out ways to ensure that, should you get a second chance, this will never happen again. Counseling or self help is extremely useful for this and it wouldn’t hurt to let your husband know that you are seeking this out so that he at least realizes that you are taking this very seriously and are more than willing to do what is necessary to begin to fix this.

In the future, there may come a time when your husband begins to calm down and, as a result, he has questions. You may be tempted to lie to him because the truth is going to painful. Or you may fear that the truth is going to make him more angry at you. I can tell you that if my husband had repeatedly lied to me about his affair, I would have eventually have stopped giving him chances to speak to me at all.

Restoring the trust is a very fragile process. You only get one chance to tell the truth. If your spouse catches you continuing to lie, it is very doubtful that they will give you many more chances. It’s important that from this day forward, you tell your spouse the truth if they give you an opportunity to do so.

This won’t be easy. And you may find that you need counseling if you suspect that more of the truth is going to make things worse. But this is a problem for which there is really only one solution – you have to prove yourself trustworthy at every turn. You have to do exactly what you claim. And if your spouse asks you something and expects the truth from you, then that’s exactly what you have to provide.

If you want to attempt to have a conversation about this, I’d try something like: “you have every right to doubt my sincerity. I deeply regret lying to you. And I never will again. I can only say that I was trying to spare you pain, even though I know that this is not a valid excuse. I hope that one day you will give me a chance to earn your trust again. But I know that I have to be patient and earn that. When you’re ready to talk, I promise that you will hear nothing but the truth from me.”

He may not take you up on this right away. But be patient and willing to do whatever it takes when he gives you the opportunity. He’s hurting right now. And with time, you may have the opportunity to make this right again.

As I said, if my husband had told me even one more lie after I found out about his affair, I may have never given him another opportunity.  He seemed to understand that there was no alternative but the truth.  And this is sometimes painful for all involved.  But often, your marriage just can not withstand any more lies.  You’re welcome to read more about our own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who really wish that they could see the victory in the other woman ending the affair, but they can’t.  While they are happy that the other woman is no longer willing to participate in the affair, they are not so sure that their husband is going to have the same thoughts.

A wife might have this to say: “Believe it or not, the affair is over because I was able to appeal to the other woman.  I called her and I asked her to talk to me as one mother to another.  At the end of the conversation, she admitted that she had never thought of me as a real person.  She said she never saw my family as a real family.  But by the end of the conversation, she admitted that she now realized that there are real people involved who are getting hurt.  We actually had a nice conversation and I could see that she was not evil and she could see that I was not nonexistent. She told me that she was breaking things off and I believed her.  I believed her even more when my husband came home and said he heard that I had talked to her and that he didn’t want me communicating with her again.  I asked him if it was over and he said that I knew that it was.  I truly do want to save my marriage, but I’m afraid that since ending things wasn’t his idea, he’s going to try to reach out to her again.  And I don’t really know her that well, so I don’t know if I can trust her not to change her mind.  Will he respect her decision and end all contact?”

That’s very difficult to predict.  Some men will decide that since the affair is over, there truly is no point in stringing it along.  Some men will be tempted, but will ultimately realize that the affair was wrong and that it’s best for all involved to use willpower and keep the affair as something that happened in the past, but that will not be repeated.  Some husbands will try to reestablish contact, but the other woman will remain true to her word and will reject this contact.  And other times, both the husband and the other woman will try to start things up again.

Some Things To Try: There are some things that you can try to put your husband in the category of the man who leaves the affair in the past.  You can schedule things for the two of you to do together at the times that he would normally interact with her.  Make it so he needs to be home after work or in the evenings.

You can immediately get into counseling so that the counselor can drive home the importance of him not being in contact anymore.  And you can show him that you are very serious about saving your marriage and are being proactive in this.  If he sees that there is a plan that is moving things forward, he may be less likely to mess that up by continuing on with the affair.

Stop And Think Before You Call The Other Woman Again: Some women in this situation would be tempted to call the other woman again just to make sure that she’s still on board with ending things.  I would only do this if there were no other option.  It isn’t in any one’s best interest to continue on with the communication as this point.  She has a right to move on also, especially since she so readily agreed to do what you asked of her.

And, frankly, if you are only depending on her actions to end the affair, then you are always going to doubt if your husband’s heart is truly in your marriage.  You’re always going to know that the relationship ended because of her, and not because of him.  At some point, you are going to need the confidence that the affair ended because he wanted for it to and that this was his decision also.

I know that you might be worried that he will continue to communicate without your being aware of it. But quite honestly, this has a way of coming out if it is true.  You found out or figured it out the first time, so you would likely find out or figure it out the second time.  It’s rare for it to continue on with you just being clueless forever.

I know that this is difficult and scary.  I know that it require a leap of faith, of sorts.  But I think it helps to tell yourself that you are going to trust that he means what he says until he gives you a reason not to trust his claims.  In  recovering from an affair and healing, there are times when you have to give him the benefit of the doubt – even when this is scary.  Sometimes, a man will show you that you were mistaken in the trust. But certainly not always.  That’s why I think it makes sense to try to assume the best until you have evidence to the contrary.  Because sometimes, you really can assume the best and then find that’s exactly what you have.

For now, they are both saying that it is over.  That’s the 100 percent majority.  So I think that this is a good argument for hoping for the best.  Hopefully, you won’t have to revise this later, but you can if you need to.

After my husband’s affair, I made the decision to try to give him the benefit of the doubt unless he gave me a reason not to.  This worked out well because he truly did stand behind his claims.  However, that’s not to say that I didn’t keep a close eye on him, especially at first.  There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersh:  Whenever you find out that your spouse has been having an affair, it feels as if your entire life has been turned upside down.  For a while, the affair may be all that you can think about.  It can be difficult to do your job, live your life, and participate in your relationships in the same way. It seems as if the affair can take over everything.

And honestly, this is exhausting. It gets very old.  So pretty quickly, wives want to know when this panicked feeling that takes over everything is going to end.  Someone may have this question: “ever since I found out about my husband’s affair, my life has been in absolute turmoil.  I don’t eat normally.  I don’t sleep normally.  I can’t work normally.  I can’t interact with family and friends normally.  And this is not my normal state.  I am normally laid-back and content.  It usually actually takes a lot to shake me.  And I HATE this out-of-control feeling.  And I want to know if I will ever feel inner peace again.  Because that is very important to me.  I want to stay in my marriage.  But if I can’t have peace of mind within it, then I want nothing to do with it.  The most important thing to me is just being at peace.  And I am worried that I will not ever feel that way again.”

I can only speak for myself.  I do feel inner peace today.  Granted, it has been years since my husband’s affair and I have had plenty of time to find the resources to help me heal.  And to be fair, I can say with confidence that achieving inner peace after an affair doesn’t just happen on its own.

I don’t believe that all you need is time and the desire to be at peace again.  This would be wonderful, but I don’t believe that it is always the case.  Instead, I believe that you have to actively make this happen.  Here is what I believe is required to feel inner peace again.

A Willingness To Eventually Heal: I believe that this is huge.  I know that we all want to heal, but so often, we have an interest in remaining angry.  We have an interest in keeping score.  We have an interest in keeping the guilt and the misery going.  After all, doesn’t our husband need to constantly be reminded of how destructive the cheating was so that he won’t cheat again?  Maybe, but constantly reliving the affair won’t give you peace of mind.  To have this, you have to be willing to eventually let it go – even if this means you give up your leverage.

You Have To Be Open To Finding The Resources To Heal: Many people assume that if they just give it time, they will eventually heal from an affair.  I wish I could tell you that this was true.  But, I know many people who have never gotten over their spouse’s affair – even years after the fact.

Frankly, most of us are not mental health counselors.  We are not experts in marriage or healing.  So we need help in learning the best ways to move forward.  We need help in identifying where we are stuck and what we are lacking to heal.

A Change In Mind Set:  I have found a change in thinking to be vital.  It is so easy to cling so tightly to what is going wrong in our lives.  It is so easy to think that we can’t possibly be okay if everything in our lives is not in order.

I have found that this does not have to be true.  There are so many additional areas in our lives outside of our marriage.  Just because one aspect of our lives is struggling, this doesn’t mean that everything is awful.  Sometimes, you have to place your focus on the good while you are waiting for the bad to turn around.

A Very Deliberate Focus: Sometimes, you have to be very deliberate about where you place your focus.  Because not everything is going to be within your control.  Sure, you can do everything in your power to heal and to get the resources that you need, but you can not control what your spouse thinks or does.  You don’t have ultimate control over the outcome.

I have found that the best way around this is to accept that you will control what you can and then let the rest go.  Sometimes, you have to trust that the universe really does have a plan for you.  You have to trust that the universe has your long-term best interest at heart, even if you can not see it at the time.

I know that this is difficult, but it is really important on the path of inner peace.  Once you let go and relinquish control, it really does take the pressure off.  It allows you to not cling so tightly.  You can let go and relax, knowing that you truly don’t have to try so hard.

So my answer is that yes, you can feel inner peace after your spouse has an affair.  But it doesn’t just magically happen. You need to evaluate how your actions are helping (or hurting) your peace of mind.  And you need to take care of yourself and do whatever is necessary to allow yourself to let go and have faith that in the end, it is all going to be okay.

I have to admit that peace of mind did take time.  It was not immediate.  The early days were hard, as they most often are.  But healing and inner contentment was ahead.  And eventually, my peace of mind was restored.  You can read about this process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who have found out that their husband has been having an emotional affair. Much of the time, the husband will insist that there was nothing physical and inappropriate going on.  He may even tell you that he is not attracted to this other woman.

But of course, wives have their doubts about this.  Many wives worry that an emotional affair is actually the precursor to a physical affair.

A wife might ask: “does my husband having an emotional affair with a coworker mean that he has a crush on her?  I saw an email between them that made me feel uncomfortable, so I went back through all of the emails between them.  It is obvious that this was an emotional affair.  There is no indication that they ever got together physically or outside of work.  But they clearly depend on one another emotionally and tell each other things about their families, their marriages, and their hopes and dreams.  There are some very personal things in these emails. When I confronted my husband, he said that they were just good friends.  I insisted that it was more than that.  And then I quoted from some of the emails and my husband turned bright red.  He was clearly ashamed and embarrassed, and I finally got him to admit that this was essentially an emotional affair and inappropriate. So I asked my husband if he had a crush on the other woman and if he wanted something more.  His answer was that no, he just enjoyed their friendship and that he’s not even remotely attracted to her.  I looked her up on the internet and frankly she is not even that pretty.  So I want to believe my husband.  But it is hard.  Why would he invest all of this time and effort into the relationship if it is just going to be a friendship?”

I understand your concern.  I agree with you.  If a man is getting his needs met by someone else – even if these are not physical or sexual needs – this is going to damage your marriage.  And if these needs are being satisfied in secret, it erodes the trust.

By no means am I an expert.  I can only tell you what I see and hear based on correspondence and research.  Many affairs do begin as emotional attachments.  The two people don’t intend to cheat, but get closer and closer until there comes a point where they have an opportunity or desire to take it even further.  This doesn’t always happen of course, but even once is too much.

Understanding The Difference Between The Appropriate Work Relationship And The Inappropriate One:  I can’t tell you that there are no emotional affairs that remain strictly emotional in nature.  There are.  Sometimes, as time goes on, one or both of them realize that they really aren’t compatible.  Or the relationship eventually stops providing the emotional pay off.  These relationships generally will end naturally and not progress.

And it is possible for two opposite-gender coworkers to just be friends.  I’ve had male mentors in the past.  And there was absolutely nothing inappropriate about these relationships. In today’s workplace, people are required to work very closely together in order to do a good job.  But it is sometimes obvious when this crosses the line.  And the fact that your husband became embarrassed about the emails could be a signal that it has definitely crossed a line.  If your spouse is not welcome to listen to phone calls or to read emails between you and work colleagues, then this a red flag.

Here’s another thing to consider.  Sometimes, people who have had physical affairs will fully admit that the “other person” is not their type.  They will admit that the other person is not as attractive as their spouse, but that it was not physical attraction that drew them to the other person – it was something else.

People will sometimes recount a connection that isn’t all about sex.  Or they will tell you that they felt understood and appreciated by the other person.  The truth is, people cheat for emotional reasons as well as physical ones.  So his not being wildly attracted to the other woman doesn’t always mean that no physical relationship is in the future.

Safeguarding Your Marriage: So how do you make sure that this relationship doesn’t turn physical?  You work on your marriage and you try to make sure that your husband feels connected to you.  And you try to make sure that he understands what is inappropriate about the relationship and why.

This is not always possible, but it’s ideal if your husband can work in another department or with someone else so that they aren’t always required to be together.  If this isn’t possible, try very hard to meet your husband for lunch, and drop in from time to time.  Allow the other woman to see you and know that you are very much a reality. And encourage your husband to come straight home after work.

Counseling can also be very beneficial here.  Anything that you can do to make your marriage his preferred place to get his emotional needs met is important.  I can’t stress this enough.  You can’t control what happens between your husband and the other woman while they are both at work. But you can control what happens between the two of you at home.  You can fight for your marriage if that is what you want.

But to answer the original question, an emotional affair doesn’t always mean that your husband has a crush on the other woman.  But I think that most people would agree that it’s a very legitimate reason for concern.  It is not something to ignore.  Because sometimes, it is the precursor to a physical affair if it isn’t stopped.

There are plenty of things that you can do to shore up your marriage and to heal this.   You can read more about some methods that helped me on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s very normal to be hard on yourself after you have cheated on your spouse. You know that you have make probably the biggest mistake of your life and you borderline hate yourself. Seeing the pain on your spouse’s face is like a dagger in your heart because you know that you alone are responsible for this.

At the same time, what you want most of all is to somehow make this up to your spouse, but your self loathing makes this extremely difficult. Because you see your spouse as someone who deserves much more than you can offer.

A spouse might explain it this way: “my husband is the best man imaginable. He is loyal, kind, sensitive, and sweet. I never thought that I could have a man like this. And recently, I took him for granted by cheating on him with a man who is the complete opposite. The other man is direct and insensitive – your typical bad boy. I am afraid it says something about my character that I chose someone who doesn’t hold a candle to my husband in terms of character. The truth is, I have never felt that I deserved my husband. I try to be a good person, but my nature is not like my husband’s. My husband is inherently good. I am not. I have to make an effort to be considerate. I have to try really hard to be polite. When my husband found out that I was cheating, in typical fashion, he told me that although he was hurt, he would stand by me. I am glad that he is not leaving me, but honestly, his loyalty almost makes things worse for me. It just keeps driving home the fact that I don’t deserve my husband and that I am not worthy of him. I want to be his wife. I want my marriage. But part of me feels like the right thing to do would be to let him go because he deserves so much better.”

Why Your Doubts Leave You Vulnerable: Before I get to the issue of whether or not you deserve your husband, I want to bring something very important to your attention. Low self esteem and not feeling good enough are two very big contributors to and precursors of cheating. I hear from countless people who have been unfaithful to spouses whom they adored in the middle of solid marriages because they did not feel worthy and were therefore participating in self sabotage.

If you take nothing else from this article, please understand that not addressing your feelings of worthlessness or of being undeserving may well leave you vulnerable to cheating again and may cause you to seek out partners who you think are “more like me” since you don’t think that you are as high a quality person as your spouse.

I think that before you can completely tackle the issues in your marriage, you are absolutely going to need to tackle the issues within your own mind – the feelings of worthlessness and of being “less than.” I can’t tell you that having an affair wasn’t a horrible thing to do, because you already know that.

The Here And The Now:  Rather than focusing on the past damage, I think it is best to now turn your attention to what you do in the here and the now. I am not sure that whether or not you deserve your husband is completely your call. It is his marriage too and if he wants it and feels that he is getting something out of it, do you really want to second guess him?

To me, a better strategy is to work on yourself, on your marriage, and on your internal dialog so that in a short period time, you can say with absolute certainty that you have become the wife that he deserves. To me, that is the best way to approach this.

Our views of ourselves can become self fulfilling prophesies. And yet, you have a man who is willing to stick it out with you, so I would strongly encourage you not to sabotage this with self loathing and hatred for yourself. Picking yourself up and doing the work to become as emotionally strong and having as much integrity of character as you possibly can will help give you the self confidence that you need to know that you bring something to your marriage also.

Are You Dragging Your Past Around With You?: Many of us drag baggage from our childhood into our marriage. I suspect that might be what is happening here. But, by doing this, you are making both your husband (and yourself) pay for something that happened a long time ago – something that I would be willing to bet wasn’t the fault of either of you.

Now, however, you are an adult. And you have the power to set down the baggage of your past. Starting today, you can begin to become the person that you want to be and the spouse that you want your husband to have. The first step in doing that is to give yourself a break. You made a mistake. But you are serious about fixing it. And part of that is no longer seeing yourself as not good enough.

Yes, you have issues to deal with. And yes, you have made a bit of a mess. But just the fact that you recognize the issues and want desperately to make them better tells me that you have a higher degree of integrity than you think. Because people who aren’t truly remorseful about infidelity and who don’t want to be better person would not be reading this article.

My husband struggled with feelings of inadequacy after his affair.  I really couldn’t help him with this very much because I was so angry.  Luckily, he took the initiative to address this himself.  And I think this drastically helped our outcome.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: One of the biggest problems that couples have to overcome when healing from infidelity is the worry that the affair isn’t over or that the cheating will happen again. People often watch their cheating spouses like a hawk – looking for any signs that it isn’t really and truly over. Some even consider going straight to the source for confirmation – which is the other person in an affair.

A wife might say: “my husband has been swearing to me that the affair is over. But it went on for months. And from the looks of the texts and the emails that they exchanged, they felt strongly toward each other. So it’s hard for me to believe that these feelings just stopped one day. I have been watching my husband very closely. He swears that he is no longer seeing her. He does come right home after work. But they were so creative about how they got together to cover their tracks. So I don’t have any doubt that if my husband wanted to continue seeing her, he would find a way to do it and be sneaky about it. I found out about the affair because the other woman called me and told me. I saved her phone number. I have considered calling her to see if it is really over. I know that she would be thrilled to tell me if he’s continuing to cheat with her. But I hate the thought of having to listen to her smug voice. Still, I feel like I need to know for sure. Should I ask her?”

I understand why you want to have this conversation. The not knowing can seem worse than the knowing. Frankly though, I always discourage people from talking to the other person. It just rarely ever turns out well or gives you anything to improve your situation. So much can and does go wrong.

You are going under the assumption that she is going to be truthful with you and not play games. But she may have an interest in lying to you. Let’s say the affair is still happening but she knows that if you find out, it will be harder for them to meet. So she could lie and tell you the affair is over to make it easier for her to carry it out. Or, the affair may be totally over but her pride keeps her from admitting to that. So to hurt both you and your husband, she lies and tells you that it is still happening.

Another thing to consider is that part of recovery is restoring the trust. I know that it’s nearly impossible to just blindly trust your husband when he’s lied to you. But at some point, this is exactly what you are going to need to do. If you’re serious about your marriage, then it makes sense to realize that you can’t go through it forever doubting him.

Sure, you’re going to have some hesitations right now and that is completely understandable. But I think that it better to watch and wait very carefully than to invite the other woman into your life. You want to distance yourself from her as soon as you can. And you want to get into the habit of getting your information from your spouse and not from third party people who may have an interest in lying.

I know what you are probably thinking – that your husband has an interest in lying too. You’re right. He may. But if he is lying, it will eventually be found out. If you watch and wait, the truth will reveal itself without your needing to give the other woman the satisfaction that you’re struggling with trust. She doesn’t need to know anything about your marriage. She doesn’t need to know anything about your fears. She could use the conversation to exploit both.

I know first hand how hard it is to believe it’s truly over and being paranoid that it isn’t. But inviting the other woman into your life – even with only a conversation – really just adds to your problems. Doing this is almost inviting her to play mind games with you or to go running back to your husband to tattle. You don’t want this. Watch very closely. Question him if anything doesn’t make sense. But don’t let her back in. Move on from her. Don’t give her the satisfaction. Find out for yourself without outside assistance from her.

I admit that I was tempted to contact the other woman.  But I know myself very well.  And I know that once I got a strong mental image of that meeting and that conversation, I would never be able to get it out of my mind.  I also knew that dwelling on the affair was going to be a challenge for me, so I didn’t want to give myself one more place to dwell.   You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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