Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Most people assume that when you are dealing with an affair, it is the faithful spouse who feels the most pain.  People assume that the cheating spouse is mostly fine while the faithful spouse struggles with the pain and the shock.

Although I can tell you that it is very painful to be the faithful spouse, it is not always a picnic to be the cheating spouse either.  I do get correspondence from some of these folks who express heartbreaking regret and who are waiting for their spouse to decide if they are going to divorce them.  They often feel very helpless.  They know that they made a horrific mistake.  They wish that they could change what they did, but they can’t.

And so all that they can do is watch, wait, and hope.  Someone might say: “cheating on my husband is the worst thing that I have ever done.  I am so ashamed of it. I would do anything to make this OK, but I can’t.  I suppose I should be grateful that my husband has not written me out of his life.  But he is not living with me either.  He is staying with friends.  I am so embarrassed that everyone knows about this.  My husband says that in time, he is going to make a decision about whether or not he would ever be receptive to staying together.  He says that he will let me know when he comes to that decision. It has been a couple of months now and every time I ask him about it, he says that I should not pressure him and that he will let me know when he decides.  Some of my friends say that he is just stringing me along and that I should give him a deadline.  They say that I am essentially putting my life on hold.  They say that I should not wait forever.  Are they right?  How long should I wait for him to make a decision when he’s probably going to decide to divorce me anyway?”

I can’t make that decision for you.  But you don’t know that he is going to divorce you.  I was the faithful spouse in my own marriage.  And I will admit that it took me quite a while to come to a decision about saving my marriage. I ultimately decided to do so, but I can tell you that if my husband had pressured me or given me a deadline or ultimatum, that likely would have negatively impacted my decision.

My husband was very patient and I believe that his ability to show me that he cared more about me than about a quick resolution went a long way toward making me comfortable with my decision.  Plus, I wanted some time to watch his behavior to see if it appeared to be trustworthy.  And I wanted to see how serious he was about being deeply involved in rehabilitation and healing.

Although he seemed very enthusiastic in the beginning, I wanted to make sure that he was in it for the long haul. So I waited.  And waited some more.  And he hung in there, which is a big reason why we are still together today.

No one can make this decision for you.  I can’t determine how much patience you have or how important your marriage is to you.  But I do know that many people do vow to wait for as long as it takes because they know that their actions are the cause for the waiting.  If no one had cheated, then no one would be waiting.

It may help to try to see if your husband will interact with you, at least some, while you are waiting.  Perhaps you can begin counseling on your own and then update him on your progress.  If he sees that you are actively trying to work through what may have contributed to the affair, he may be more receptive to trying to work things out.

Regardless, it does just take some time.  Having your spouse cheat is very painful and it can take some time to sort through your feelings and determine what direction you want to take.  But I can tell you that while you are going through this process, you are often watching your spouse very closely for signs that they still love you and are still serious about making things work.  If the cheating spouse seems like they are losing patience and are more worried about their own time frame than anyone else’s, this may cause some doubts.

I think that if you are still interested in your marriage and in reconciling, you have to be prepared to be patient and loving.  Your spouse is likely looking for these behaviors so that he can be comfortable with any decision to try and work things out.

My husband’s patience meant a great deal to me when I was trying to make a decision about our marriage.  I have never regretted giving him one more chance.  You can read more about that process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives struggle with explaining the depth and accuracy of their emotions to their cheating husband.  They want their husband to feel the full blunt of their emotions.  They want him to know just how devastating this is.  But it can be hard to find the words that he will listen to or understand.

Someone might explain: “short of cheating on my husband to show him how this feels, I am not sure how to explain it to him.  I will cry and I will blubber about how horrible this is and how I feel so humiliated and betrayed.  At first, he seemed to be listening, but now sometimes when I am explaining this, I see his eyes glazing over, like he has stopped paying attention. It’s almost as if he thinks that I am being an overly-dramatic female in this regard, but I know that I am not.  What words can I say to make him understand it?”

I know how you feel.  I will list some phrases that you can choose from.  I’ll start with phrases that I think might relate to men and then I’ll go to some of the common phrases that I used and I know other women have used.  Above all, say what comes from your heart and is honest and unique to you.

In a sense, no one can fully understand what someone else feels unless they have walked in someone else’s shoes.  (This is true of all life challenges and not just of cheating.)  But what you are trying to do is to create understanding, which creates empathy, and then regret.  Here are some words and phrases to get you started.

– “Imagine how you would feel if I cheated on you with a thinner, richer, and more well-endowed man and then told you that it was over and that you just needed to move on?  Would you move on or would you dwell on it for a little while?  Would it hurt your pride and your self esteem?  Would you be humiliated, hurt, and embarrassed?  Because I am experiencing all of these things.”

-“What if you were playing on a team sport and you showed up to every practice and were always there for your coach and your team?  What if you played on this team for years and went through the good and the bad together? What if you felt in your heart that your coach knew how hard you worked for him, only to find that the second a new player came along, your coach replaced you with that player?  You were replaced even though the other player hadn’t proven himself in any way.  Would you feel shocked, betrayed, and cheated?  That’s how I feel right now.”

-“Please try to see this from my point of view. I thought I had a certain husband and a certain marriage.  I thought that, because I put in so much time and care, that both things were secure. Now I am finding out that neither were what I thought.  That has tipped my world off its axis.  I am having a hard time getting my footing. I worry that I can’t trust you and you were the one person I should have trusted more than anymore.”

– “I feel like the one person who should have always had my back stabbed me in it instead. I know that you don’t want to hear this because it makes you feel worse about what you did.  But you need to hear it because you need to understand just how much this hurts me so that you won’t do it again.  You need to hear me because you need to have the motivation to rehabilitate yourself and our marriage.  This is not going to be easy, so we need to put it all out there so that we know what we are dealing with and know where we go from here.  This is one of the worst things that you could ever do to me or our marriage.  You need to understand that.  There is no sugarcoating this.  There is no diminishing that you took the most sacred relationship and the most valued vows and you made a mockery of both. Your actions showed that you did not respect either and that you were willing to put them at risk. I know that this might sound harsh.  But it’s very important to me that you understand this so that you can take responsibility for it.  Asking me to even consider moving on or forgiving is asking a lot.  And I can’t even think of doing either until I’m sure that you fully realize what you have done.”

I hope these phrases get you started.  Know that you will probably have multiple conversations that are some variation of many of these examples.   You may not feel heard immediately, but it’s vital that you eventually do.  You can read more about some of the things I did to make sure that I was heard and understood after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Much of the correspondence that I receive comes from faithful spouses whose marriage partner has cheated on them.  They are often looking for a way to heal in the quickest, easiest way possible.

Sometimes though, I hear from the spouse who was unfaithful.  They are also looking to heal, but their road is a little different because they are the one who caused this whole turn of events.  Many of them are filled with remorse and they don’t know how to start improving things.  They want to make things better, but they don’t know how.  Many are well aware that their decision was life altering, but they do not know how to begin to clean up the mess.

A wife might say: “I admit that this mess of my life is of my own doing.  I had a wonderful family.  I had a child who was the center of my world and a husband who loved me.  I had everything that I’ve always wanted.  And then a male coworker asked me out for drinks and I accepted.  It’s hard to imagine that one simple gesture would so profoundly ruin my life – but it did.  Those drinks lead to more outings together.  And those outings lead to my cheating on my husband.  I never intended to change my life.  I never wanted a divorce.  But now I am facing one.  My employer found out about the relationship and I got transferred and demoted.  I am making half of my old salary.  My husband is saying that he is going to divorce me and fight me for custody of my child.  The other man is going back to his wife because he got demoted too.  I feel like I have nothing now.  I know that this is my own fault.  Last week, I got very upset when my husband told me that he was probably going to file for divorce and seek custody.  I asked him why he was trying to ruin my life. He said that he didn’t need to ruin my life because I had already done that all by myself.  This made me very angry until I calmed down and I realized that he was absolutely right. I did ruin my life.  What do I have now?  Not my marriage.  Possibly not my child. And not my job.  I never thought it would come to this.  How do I pick up the pieces?”

I will admit that I was on the other side of this equation.  So I am only speaking in hypotheticals.  But in my opinion, you have to do it one step at a time.  And you have to not panic.  Things may seem very bleak right now, but people don’t always make good on their threats.  Frankly, I threatened my own husband after his affair and yet, many of the things that I said were only meant to scare and hurt him.  Years later, we are still married.

Admittedly, I did mean the threats when I said them.  I fully suspected that I would end up divorcing my spouse.  But I never counted on the fact that he would be willing to do whatever was necessary to mend our marriage and to restore my trust.  And I never counted on the fact that I would eventually let him.

None of this happened quickly.  It was a slow process.  But I believe it’s very hard to predict how it’s going to end up when the emotions and the shock are running so high.  I think you just have to wait and see what is going to happen while taking it slowly.

Your job is probably not in your control right now, but you do have a job.  And you can work your way back up to your previous position over time.  You are still a parent.  And even if your husband is actually going to file for divorce and for custody (which we don’t know yet) the courts don’t automatically rule with one parent over the other.  My point is, you don’t know how this is going to end up.

My first step would be trying to maintain as positive a relationship with your husband as you can.  I know that he is angry. And I know that you are probably tempted to get defensive.  But you have to remember that he is reacting to your infidelity.  He has a right to be angry.  The hope is that over time, his anger will fade and he will not act on it.  But if you feed into his anger, you make it more likely that things will only get worse.

Try to stay calm and try to remember that your long term goal is to minimize the damage of this.  One way to do that is to remember what you really want and to continue to be sincere.  Yes, this is going to require you to remain calm when his angry words are hurtful.  But stay the course.  Because the more that you are calm, the less ammunition he has.  The more that you are compassionate and sincere, the less justification he has for what he is doing.

I can’t tell you that you didn’t negatively affect your life by having an affair.  But I think that saying you ruined your life is self defeating.  Your life is still a work in progress.  You still have tomorrow.  You still have the ability to try to fix this as best as you can.  And as long as those things are present, there is a still a chance that things will improve so that one day you may see that ruined is too harsh a word.

I am sure my husband felt that he ruined his life after his affair.  But I think if you were to ask him today if his life is ruined, he would tell you that it is not.  We did manage to pick up the pieces and our lives have a great deal of meaning and blessings today.  And I would like to think that even if we did not save our marriage, we are both still people of value who would have been OK.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When you are dealing with a cheating spouse, you are often hoping that the two guilty people in this scenario feel deep regret. You want your husband to feel these things because you want for him to end the relationship and vow never to cheat again.

You may not care if the other woman ever cheats again – as long as the person she is cheating with is not your husband. But in this instance, you want her to feel regret because you want her to leave your husband alone. And you hope that she has the decency to realize how destructive her actions were. You want her to feel badly about herself because she deserves it.

Many wives just assume that the other woman is going to automatically have these feelings. After all, what kind of cold and heartless person doesn’t care when they nearly destroy someone’s marriage? Unfortunately, what wives don’t always anticipate or understand is that the other woman has a strong interest in being in denial and repressing her feelings. In fact, she has probably already made this a habit because if she didn’t, it would be much harder for her to carry out her cheating. So she tries to make herself believe that if your husband is cheating, he has a good and legitimate reason for it. And she may think that your marriage is between you and your husband, so she’s just going to focus on her relationship with him and not worry or think about the rest.

A wife may be unsure about how to cut through this attitude. She might say: “I want the other woman to feel deep regret for what she did to my family. My husband broke off the affair and he seems to be legitimately sorry. But she continues to attempt to text him and send him Facebook messages. I think that she must be heartless because within the last couple of weeks, my husband has posted nothing but family photos on his Facebook. And yet, she looks at those photos and she still hits the message icon to try and get him to contact her. She has no shame. I have tried to call her and explain why she should feel deep regret and leave us alone. She informed me that she does not feel any regret. She told me that she would do it again in a heartbeat because she truly feels that my husband and herself are soul mates. And she feels that in time, they will be together again. This infuriates me. Does she have no conscience? How do I make her feel regret so that she’ll go away?”

She probably does a conscience somewhere, but she isn’t listening to it because listening to it makes it more difficult for her to get what she wants. Unfortunately, you can’t “make” someone like this feel anything. A person like this is only focused on themselves.

But what I suggest that you do instead is to set it up so that it eventually dawns on her that she is wasting her time. I would require my husband to unfriend her on Facebook and to change his settings so that she can no longer email or message him on this site. I would then change or block his email or phone number (at least as far as she is concerned) so that she truly has no easy way to contact him.

Then I would go on with my life and focus on my marriage. If she can’t get a reaction out of you and get in contact with him, she is going to have to eventually realize that she’s only wasting her time and energy.

And if you restore your family and move on, then that is the scenario in which she may eventually feel some regret. Because she is going to look around and realize that she put all of this time and effort into something that now does not exist. She may realize that the husband now is invested in his family and she is left with nothing. That’s enough to make any one feel regret.

It’s my belief that the best thing you can do in this situation is attempt to control what you can – and that is yourself and what you do with your marriage. You can’t control what the other woman feels and does. But you can attempt to make it so that she has no way into your life. Rebuilding your marriage is the most effective way of locking her out.

Once you and your husband are rebuilding and becoming stable and happy, there is no place for her. And she’s wasted all this time, emotion, and effort into a relationship that can’t possibly pay off anymore. That’s quite a waste and that is enough to make even the most stubborn person feel regret.

Beyond that, I firmly believe that you should turn your attention away from the other woman.  Because giving her your focus gives her power.  You don’t want that.  You want for the focus to be on you, on your family, and on moving forward.  I sometimes learned these lessons the hard way, but I learned them.  You can read more about this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It is very common for a husband who has just been caught in an affair to get somewhat flustered.  He’s often overcome and somewhat overwhelmed with many emotions all at once.  Sometimes, this comes on top of struggles that lead him to have the affair in the first place.  As a result, it’s sometimes very obvious that he’s really struggling in a way that he never has before.  He may appear to be a man that you don’t even recognize.

How the wife reacts to this will differ.  Some wives are understandably so angry at him that she figures that this is a problem of his own creation and he can deal with it on his own.  Other wives can’t help but feel some compassion.  Because they know their husband better than anyone else.  And they can look at him and know that he is not himself and that something major is happening with him. As such, some of these wives want to know how they can help their husband.  Some don’t know what is going to happen with their marriage, but they want to help him just the same because he is the father of their children or because they don’t want to see anyone struggle.

A wife might say: “I know that my husband is having a hard time of it.  I have never seen him this way.  This all started when he lost his job.  The man who used to be confident and had a happy outlook was sullen and damaged.  He withdrew.  I hoped that things would get better once he got another job.  But it actually got worse. Because the new job was way beneath his level of skill.  But he took it anyway because we needed the money.  After he’d been at this job for a while, he started hanging out with coworkers.  And these are people who he never would have even associated with before.  He started going to bars after work and he hasn’t drank in over a decade.  It was obvious that things were going down hill fast.  And then, just when I thought that things couldn’t get any worse, I found out he’d been having an affair with one of these coworkers.  Now that he is caught, my husband’s emotions are all over the place.  One minute he is remorseful and sad.  The next minute he is defiant and defensive.  He says that he doesn’t know who he is anymore and he feels worthless.  I don’t know how to help him.  His feelings change from day. How do I help him process his feelings so that we can move on?”

I find it very admirable that despite the hurt this must have caused you, your thoughts are still with him.  Not every one can say that and hopefully, this is something that won’t go unnoticed.

But, having been through this, I’m of the opinion that wives just are not in the best position to help him process his feelings.  And don’t take this in the wrong way.  Our intentions are correct.  But it’s nearly impossible for us to be objective.  And even if we could be objective, we aren’t mental health counselors.

I know that when I would listen to my own husband try to talk through this process, I would hear nearly every thing through the veil of what it had to do with me.  As much as I might have wanted to, I could not take myself, my marriage, and my children out of the equation.  It couldn’t be all about him when he had everything to do with us.

And I find that wives tend to go one way or another with this.  We will either look for our own fault in it.  Or we will deny having any fault at all.  Either way, this isn’t objective enough to help him effectively sort through his issues.  Frankly, it may even create additional issues.

The correct person to help him uncover his feelings is a professional counselor or close friend or mentor who can be objective.  When it is your marriage at stake, you, as a spouse, can not be objective because you are right in the middle of it.

This is only my opinion, of course. But I think that you can offer to listen.  I think you can offer to sit and hear him talk.  But it’s very hard to separate the other issues from the affair when you are the one who has been hurt and affected by it.  So while I think you can listen about his job loss and his identity issues, it’s going to be hard to take the affair out of the equation.

I think the most helpful thing to do would be to offer to listen, but to also strongly encourage him to talk to an objective, trusted, and knowledgeable third party.  If he is resistant to this, try some self help resources that he can work through at his own pace without feeling self conscious.  I’m sure it’s very reassuring for him to know that he has your support.  But you can’t necessarily fix this for him.  He has to take the initiative.

When I’ve seen spouses try to work through this scenario, often the cheating spouse is guarded and defensive and the spouse who is trying to help feels rejected and frustrated.   And it turns into one more issue you have to deal with.  It’s better to give this issue to someone else.  And to offer your support as a spouse and not a mental health counselor.

I understand why you want to help.  But I think that you can probably help in different ways.  And I think that you should consider what you need also.  For myself, I learned that I really couldn’t help my family until I addressed what I needed also. You’re welcome to read about my own journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s not unusual for me to get correspondence that has to do with sex after the discovery of an affair. Not surprisingly, the sex can be difficult or awkward. Sometimes, though, it isn’t actually the act of the sex that is the biggest difficulty. It is the intimacy that goes along with it. Some wives have more trouble with the intimate gestures that go hand in hand with the sex rather than with the sex itself.

One example is that of kissing. Some wives report great difficulty with kissing their husband after his affair and they don’t completely understand this. After all, a kiss is much less than sex, right? And yet, it is the kiss that plagues them the worst of all. A wife might explain: “I found out my husband was having an affair four weeks ago. The first two weeks, I did not interact with him. Over the last two weeks, we have decided that we will try to save our marriage. I do want this and I think that it is the best decision for us. However, things are sort of weird between us. I know this because one of my favorite things in life were kisses from my husband. Now I literally have to stop myself from cringing when he tries to kiss me. My body will literally involuntarily recoil. There have been times when I almost turn my face. It is not as if my husband has changed his kissing style in any way. We’ve had sex a couple of times and honestly, it was not as big of an obstacle or hurdle as the kissing. Why am I having this problem?”

Losing Some Pieces Of The Puzzle: I’m certainly no expert, but I can tell you my theories. Kissing is an intimate act. I feel that it’s more intimate than sex in some cases. You are face to face. You are often looking into one another’s eyes. You don’t have as many of the physical sensations that can allow you to get carried away as you do with sex.

It can be hard to have intimacy after an affair because you are guarded. Because of the betrayal, you don’t trust him. You are angry. You put a wall around your heart. Kissing requires a vulnerability that relies upon trust. When that is broken, it only makes sense that real kissing is going to be a challenge. You don’t have all of the necessary pieces of the puzzle to make it work.

Getting It Back: Does this mean that you and your husband can never share a heart-felt or sincere kiss? Absolutely not. It does mean that, to the surprise of no one, it is going to take time and work to reestablish the trust and vulnerability. I know that it may feel like you may never get there or that your marriage might be forever altered. But think about it. I believe that we all know (or know of) someone who has restored their marriage after an affair. Do you think that this couple no longer kisses one another? I can tell you that my husband and I share very nice kisses on a very regular basis. I can also tell you that early on, everything about our relationship – from kissing – to sex – to talking – was extremely difficult and felt forever altered. That is how it feels early on – that nothing will ever be right again. But in time, and with work, it can be.

What you are going through is completely normal. In order for the physical aspects of your relationship to be working normally and properly, you often need to have the emotional aspects of your relationship working properly. All of the pieces fit and work together. If one thing is eschew, everything else falls out of alignment. That doesn’t mean that it can’t be fixed. And that doesn’t mean that you have to stop trying.

If kissing makes you truly uncomfortable, then you certainly do not have to force yourself to do it. Your husband may well understand your need for a slower pace. I think that it is better to go along as you are comfortable rather than to force yourself. I always tried to remain as genuine as I possibly could during recovery. I figured we had enough problems without my pretending or projecting things that just weren’t true at the time. I don’t think you necessarily need to announce the issue. Because as you heal, it will likely wane and then go away entirely. I found that waiting until it was obvious that the time was right was always the best call (as far as sex and physical intimacy was concerned.) At least in my case. I think it’s better that it is right, than that it is rushed or forced. And as long as you are communicating and showing affirmation and attempts in other ways, I think that this is understandable. Everyone has to do what makes them comfortable and secure in recovery. There is nothing wrong with that. There’s more about this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s not uncommon for faithful spouses to complain that their cheating spouse has become a different person. Very common phrases used to describe him are: mean, sullen, distant, and cold. This can be true even if he was a loving, affectionate person before. People often assume that the husband is angry because he has gotten caught (or is about t0 get caught.) But, in my opinion this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, the anger can start well before the affair – or even the detection of it.

A wife might say: “I knew that something was seriously up with my husband by the way that he was acting. I didn’t suspect him of an affair, but I knew that something had gone very wrong in his life. I thought maybe he had made some bad investments or something. Or maybe that his business had taken a downward turn. But about six weeks before I found out about the affair, my normally laughing and sweet husband basically turned into a monster. He was actually mean to our children. He was sarcastic to me. He made cutting little comments. He seemed to enjoy hurting people’s feelings. And even after I found out about the affair, he is still being nasty. So I knew that we had serious problems. I didn’t know at that time that this was tied to the affair. Is that what cheating does to men? Turn nice guys into mean hearted jerks? I just do not understand the transformation that has happened to my husband. Part of me would like to save my marriage. But frankly, I might have learned to deal with the cheating. But I don’t want to be married to a mean person. Is he going to be like this forever? Because if so, then I think I’ll pass.”

I can’t predict the future, but I can tell you that sometimes, the anger came even before the affair. Men who are in crisis often have affairs. So the affair is a symptom of their problem and not the cause.

Why He’s So Angry: Of course, a man who is having an affair and either has been found out or is about to be found out can feel as if his life is about to be forever altered. He knows something bad is about to happen and he’s pretty helpless to stop it because of the decisions that he has already made. Frankly, he is often angry with himself – and he is frustrated with the situation that he himself has created, although he may not realize this.

And it’s very easy for these husbands to take their anger out on the shocked spouse who is demanding answers and telling him what a bad person he is. But often, this anger is misdirected. He should be angry at whatever life challenge lead to him acting this way and his own inability to find another way to deal with it.

Will It End?: So now that we have gone over some of the reasons why he is angry and experiencing a change in personality, I’ll tell you my take on whether or not its permanent. That really does depend on if he addresses it correctly. Sometimes, the discovery of the affair actually gives him motivation and direction to get help. For example, sometimes when a man begins therapy with his wife for infidelity, he ends up working on the issues that contributed to him being vulnerable to an affair in the first place. And because of this, he will often find that his life has actually improved in many ways. If the affair had never happened, he might not have gotten this help or made these realizations.  Without these realizations, he would have continued to struggle.

Ending The Anger Means Ending The Stimulus: I would never tell you that an affair is a positive thing or a blessing, but sometimes, it does help us pinpoint areas in our lives that have reached a crisis situation where we are already feeling somewhat out of control. Often, an affair is a way (albeit a very bad way) to attempt to bring some relief and control to a crisis situation. When it doesn’t work or when it creates more problems than it solves, there can be anger.

A husband can have anger at himself because he knows that he can and should have done better than this. He knows that he is letting his family and himself down. He can be angry that he’s not getting any relief from whatever the problem is. And he can be scared and vulnerable when he is caught. Because now he has a witness to his troubles and now he has hurt someone who he cares about. And now that same person is standing in judgement of his very bad mistake.

There is an awful lot to be angry about here. And often, once the affair is found out, every one in the home is very understandably angry – which just breeds more anger and feeds this awful cycle.

This doesn’t have to last forever, though. Once the truth is out in the open, healing can begin if both people are willing. And, even if the wife doesn’t know if she wants to save the marriage, the husband should still seek or be open to help. Because if he doesn’t address these issues, they will just follow him into his next relationship and continue to cause the anger and the change in his personality.

I did notice changes in my own husband.  In the beginning, he was remorseful and panicked and sad.  But as time passed and he experienced my anger, he was always on the defensive and he was somewhat indignant and abrasive. We both had to learn which behaviors were helping us and which weren’t. You’re welcome to read about my own journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Most of the correspondence that I get comes from husbands or wives who are dealing with an affair within their own marriage.  Sometimes though, I hear from the “other woman” or the “other man.” Much of the time, this person is very disappointed because they feel as if they have been lied to.  They often reach out once the relationship is over (and has usually been ended by the cheating spouse) because they are confused about what went wrong.

They may have been dealing with a man who didn’t seem all that in love with his wife or all that committed to his marriage who is now suddenly saying that he wants to work on his marriage again.  The “other woman” has believed the claims of a loveless marriage all along and is now confused that he is actually choosing his wife over her.

She may say: “I can’t believe that the guy I’ve been dating has actually broken off the affair to be with his wife. When we first started seeing each other, I was shocked that he never seemed to want to go home or to cover his tracks for the benefit of his wife.  He only seemed to want to be with me.  It almost seemed like our relationship was an escape from his terrible marriage.  I assumed that in time, we would end up together and he would get a divorce.  I am floored that now he is staying that he wants to go back to her.  I am floored that he is now in counseling and seems enthusiastic about making it work.  His wife is old and is not nearly as pretty or as active as me. Why would he want to go back to that same old, stale relationship with her when he could have me?”

Know That Your Perception Of The Wife May Not Be Accurate: I will try to answer your questions as objectively as I can.  But before I do, I would like to draw your attention to the fact that the picture you have of this wife is probably not accurate.  You don’t know her and you were hoping to have a relationship with her husband.  So it is easy to make her the villain or assume that she has nothing to offer.  But she is a real person with a real marriage that she has put years of effort into.  She has real feelings.  I know this because I was her.

Why Men Who Have Affairs Ultimately Decide To Return To Their Wives: As to why a man may ultimately decide that he wants his wife, I believe that there are several reasons but I will start out by using the words of a man in this situation.  I overheard this conversation a while back, but I have never forgotten it because I think that it’s very telling and it confirms what I suspect.

Two men were sitting at my kitchen table.  They are friends of my husband.  One of the men took out his phone and showed a vacation photo of him and his wife.  I did see the photo. And it was an incredibly flattering picture of this man’s wife.  She looked very young, and very happy, in the picture.  The other man commented that the photo displayed a beautiful woman and he said: ‘sometimes you get it right the second time around.’  The assumption was that the wife in the photo was the second wife.

The first man said: “no, there was no second time.  We’ve been married for over twenty years. I’m not stupid.  I want someone who grew up listening to the same music I did.  I want someone who understands what it  means to be the age that I am.  I want someone who doesn’t judge the fact that I can’t run marathons anymore, but I like to try.  I want someone who doesn’t make me feel stupid for not knowing the latest songs and trends. I want someone who knew me when I had nothing.”

I hear variations on this theme quite a bit.  Men will often say that the affair made them feel young, but just for just a little while.  But as time went on, it actually made them feel old.  Because they began to see the true differences and incompatibilities brought about by the differences in life experiences and outlooks.

Often, men who have affairs with younger women think that they are on top of the world initially, but then eventually realize that every one is looking at them not with envy, but with knowing.  The middle aged man who is trying desperately to hold onto his youth by cheating isn’t an ideal.  He is a stereotype.  Every one sort of snickers, thinking they know what he is up to and what he is trying to acheive.

Once the cheating husband realizes all of this, his marriage starts to look really good to him.  He starts to see that his marriage wasn’t stale, it was stable.  He starts to believe that maybe, with some work, they could fix what wasn’t working and he could still be with his best friend who has known him for most of his life.

He begins to think that just maybe he doesn’t have to let go of this person with whom he has built so many memories. (Of course, this assumes that his wife will give him the chance.)

It is not your fault that you don’t have a long history with this man.  But she does.  She has done the work.  She has seen him through hard times.  It can be hard to compete with this.

I’ve heard men say that sometimes, an affair is like a shiny new car with technology that you don’t really need.  It seems really cool at first.  But eventually, you just want your old, reliable truck back.  Because it felt wonderful and familiar. And it was filled with memories.  Shiny, new things can turn our heads momentarily.  But they do not bring long term happiness or contentment.  And many men do realize this at the end stages of their affair.

I hope that this helps some.  I do understand the other woman’s confusion at times.  Cheating husbands will paint a picture that just isn’t true.  It’s understandable that someone invested in the relationship would want to believe it.  But sometimes the healthiest thing for all involved is to move on and be grateful that you were able to get out relatively early before more damage was done.

If you’d like to read about a marriage that survived an affair, here is my blog.

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By: Katie Lersch: If you have made the mistake of cheating on your spouse, one of the directives that you might have heard from friends, counselors, or your spouse themselves is that you must “hold yourself accountable.” And you can really want to do this because you are willing to do anything to make up for your mistake. But sometimes, it isn’t clear what these words really mean.

A wife might say: “if you would have told me six months ago that I would have ever been in this position, I would have told you that you were crazy. Being dishonest and doing something reckless to hurt my marriage is not in alignment with my personality. This just isn’t me. I’d never even lied to my husband before, much less cheated on him. And then I met the other man. He came sauntering into my office on the first day of work and that changed everything. I don’t know how else to put it other than to say that I was immediately drawn to him. Before I knew it, we were meeting for lunch. I told myself this was all innocent enough. Then we started getting drinks after work. We started texting all of the time. Then there was a weekend seminar for everyone in my department. And that is when I started cheating. My husband found out only a couple of weeks into it. It’s weird but my husband finding out seemed to almost flip a switch in me. I thought that I had become very invested in the other relationship, but as soon as I saw my husband’s face and started thinking about being divorced, I changed my mind very quick and I immediately broke it off. I realized that I didn’t want to end my marriage for anyone. I constantly ask my husband what I need to do in order to have a chance with him. One of the things that he keeps saying over and over is that I need to “be accountable.” Well, I’m willing to do whatever it takes. But I’m not sure what, exactly, he means. How is one supposed to hold themselves accountable after infidelity?”

I suppose this phrase might mean different things to different people. But having been a spouse who was cheated on, I can tell you what it meant to me. And I can tell you what I wanted accountability to mean in my own case.

Take Away Any Risky Or Contributive Behaviors: Often, you can look at a certain set of behaviors and see that they lead to the cheating. For example, for some people, drinking leads to cheating. Or being on the internet late at night. For others, certain friends get them into bad situations. You have to look at your particular situation and identify the behaviors that made you vulnerable and eliminate them.

In this case, going to lunch with someone you found attractive, going out for drinks after work, sending flirty texts, and traveling for business were red flags that lead to the cheating. Obviously, these things must be eliminated from future behaviors in a manner that your husband can see and believe in. Sometimes, this isn’t completely possible.  You may not be able to cut out work travel.  In that case, take your husband with you or call regularly when you aren’t working.

I am not sure if you have the ability to transfer jobs so that you aren’t around the other man, but if you do, this certainly wouldn’t be a bad idea. You want to show your spouse that you are completely serious about your marriage and completely sincere about ending the affair for good.

Show Him That Your Marriage Is Your Priority: Another way that you can be accountable is to make your marriage your biggest priority. That means when you are in your husband’s presence and communicating with him, he gets your undivided attention. It means that you offer him reassurance and affection even when he is resistant to you because you have hurt him. If he even hints that he’d like to go to counseling, take the initiative, make the appointment, and go. Do everything in your power to show him that you are very sincere, including shelfing other things that don’t involve your marriage right now. Other things can wait. This must be your priority.

Get Right Within Yourself: I think that this is one of the biggest issues with accountability that people miss. It’s your responsibility to identify and then fix any outstanding issues that might have lead to the affair. I know that you believe that fate brought the other man into your office and that chemistry did the rest. But quite frankly, there had to be some reasoning beyond this. Even if your marriage was happy, there had to have been some other force at play – self sabotage, a need for risk, a lack of impulse control, or perhaps other issues.  But something else was likely at work.

And until you eliminate that issue, you really can’t say with complete certainty that you are not going to cheat again. Frankly, that is one of the things your spouse wants and needs most from you. They want to not have to constantly worry that should they trust you, they are going to have to constantly look over their shoulders and watch for signs of repeat infidelity.

I do have to hand it to my husband.  It was obvious that our family was his priority.  Sometimes, he would become frustrated that the process was going very slowly or that I still had doubts regardless of what he said or did.  But I think he kept his eye on the long term goal. And he knew that part of being accountable was also being patient. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I don’t think that there is anything worse (at least in terms of your marriage) than knowing that your spouse is cheating on you. However, I’ve had people tell me that having your spouse think that you are cheating or having an affair when you absolutely aren’t is also miserable.

For example, imagine a wife saying: “my husband is convinced that I am having an affair, or at least have recently had one. My ex husband and I have been spending a lot of time together recently because of some issues with our child. I will admit that we now get along better than we ever have. I also admit that I have leaned on my ex for emotional support right now because frankly, he understands and cares about what I am going through more than anyone else (since we are going through the same thing.) So yes, I have learned on him. And yes, there have been times when we have talked or met one another face to face where I didn’t tell my husband. But it wasn’t to pursue any relationship or to try to reconcile. It was to share information about our child. My husband gets very stressed out about my child and I can’t share everything with him. He found an email between my ex and myself discussing meeting at a restaurant. My husband took this to mean that we are seeing one another romantically. I have offered to let my husband talk to my ex to get reassurance that there is nothing going on. I have also offered to let him read all of my emails and texts but he just scoffs at this and seems to prefer to think that I’m having an affair. How can I prove that I’m not?”

It’s my theory that proving you’re not having an affair is often a gradual process that happens over time. People often want to bombard their suspicious spouse with “proof” that they aren’t cheating and then they are surprised when their spouse doesn’t immediately pounce on this. Most spouses are really wanting emotional, and not physical, reassurance from you. Most of the time, they aren’t looking for actual proof that they can hold in their hands. They are looking for reassurance from you so that they can put their mind at ease. And by reassurance, I don’t mean a response like: “I can’t believe that you would think that. You know what kind of stress I’m under and I can’t believe that you’d even come to me with something so selfish. Why is it all about you? Oh course I’m not cheating on you. And you can read my emails if you want.”

This kind of response is likely to make him both defensive and even more worried that you care more about your ex husband than him. Of course, I don’t know your husband and can only make a suggestion as a wife who eventually found out that her husband was in fact having an affair. I can tell you what the faithful spouse would like to hear. So I’d try something like: “It really upsets me to hear you say this and not because of the accusation being hurtful to me. But it bothers me that you would think that I would do this to you. I am committed to you and to our marriage and it’s upsetting to me that this situation with my child is affecting other areas of my life. Yes, I have been in contact with my ex husband more, but that’s simply because we have to co parent our child during this challenging time. However, if this is making you uncomfortable, I’d be more than happy for you to participate with us. I didn’t offer that before because I didn’t want to burden you with all of this. If you’d like to come along next time or if it would make you feel better to read through our correspondence, I don’t have a problem with either one. But I can promise you that I am not and I would not cheat on you.”

I have to admit that he may not just blindly believe you at first. He may still have his doubts. But as you make an effort to include him and you stop reaching out as much to the other man, he is more likely to see that you are sincere. It also wouldn’t be a bad idea to give him some additional attention and reassurance when it is natural and convincing to do so.

Also, if you are in counseling for the child’s issues, then your counselor can likely help you with this marital issue also. It’s important to address it before resentment and anger surfaces. There is already enough to deal with right now without adding issues for your marriage into the mix. Right now, your marriage should be your rock and your support system. Which is why it might be a good idea to lean a bit more on your current husband and a little bit less on your ex husband.

I can tell you from experience that it is so important not to just assume that your marriage is going to be OK and that your spouse understands your commitment.  Because from my experience, things can deteriorate rapidly once your spouse feels taken for granted.  If it helps, you can read more about my own experience on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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