Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: One of the most common problems that I hear about is having repetitive questions about the affair. It’s absolutely normal (and quite understandable) to want to gather all of the information that you possibly can. However, there comes a point where you get tired of asking and your cheating spouse becomes tired of answering. And you can start to wonder at what point are you going to have to stop this cycle. Often, you’d like to stop, but you hate the thought of having outstanding issues about which you are still unsure.

A wife might say: “I honestly feel as if my husband is still withholding some of the details of his affair. I admit that he has told me a lot of things – and some of those things must have taken a great deal of courage because they are very damaging. But I still believe that there are things that he doesn’t want me to know. So I find myself asking what are essentially the same questions but in different ways. My husband has finally caught onto this because last night he snapped at me and said: ‘there is going to come a time – and that time is going to come very soon – where you are just going to need to stop with all of the questions. I can’t keep going on like this. It feels like we can’t get through single day without my getting grilled repeatedly.’ His words have some truth in them. I do have questions every day. But I only keep asking because I know that he hasn’t told me everything. At what point do I have to stop?”

I don’t know of any rule or guideline on this. And it’s my belief that you have the right to ask for information. Yes, husbands get very defensive about this and they will try to call you off because every time you ask a question, they feel exposed, ashamed, and badgered.

And, your husband might have a point if he has told you everything already. I know from experience that after a while, asking the same questions over and over does become pointless. It’s a frustrating cycle that just isn’t productive. So, I do concede that there often is a point where you’ve been told essentially everything and you are still asking the same questions because you still just can not wrap your brain around these whole sets of circumstances.

But, not being able to fully understand it doesn’t mean that you haven’t gotten the information that you’ve asked for. Here’s an example which might help since it isn’t about infidelity. Bear with me because I think that this is relevant and will help. Recently, my child abruptly quit a sport that he loved and in which he has invested a lot of time. I have repeatedly asked him to explain his reasoning. And, over and over, he has told me that the commitment was too much, that his grades were suffering, and that it wasn’t fun anymore. These are all perfectly good reasons. He gave the exact response that I had asked for.  Still, it bothered me. So, I kept at it. Did he not like his coach? Did he not feel like he was not good enough? Did he have problems with one of his teammates? His answers were always no. And this frustrated both of us. And I still don’t completely understand why he quit – and I may not ever understand it. But I’ve decided that our relationship is not worth my continuing to pester him. He gave me the information. I can’t get inside his mind and feel his same feelings. So I just need to move on and be here to support him if he needs me.  He seems perfectly content.  It is ME who is experiencing the turmoil, but I know that I need to let it go.

Ask yourself if you are at the same point. Has he told you everything but you still just can’t understand because you wouldn’t act in the same way? If you can look at this and know that your husband has answered what you have asked and you are just churning the same old things with disastrous results, then it is probably time to seriously scale back. Likewise, if this process is just making you feel worse and you are just ruminating and churning the bad feelings, ask yourself if this is worth it.

I understand that you need all the answers. And if you don’t think you have them, then it’s certainly worth a conversation. You might try: “I completely understand that it does us no good to continue to debate the same old issues. But you need to understand that I continue to ask because, in my heart, I wonder if you have told me everything. I suspect that something is being held back. Once I have all of the information, then I do intend to move on.”

This may work.  But if it doesn’t and if you remain stuck, then you may want to consider brief counseling just so the counselor can help you determine if you have all of the information. Sometimes, this is useful in more ways than one. Knowing that you have a set time and place to address the outstanding issues frees you up so that this no longer needs to be your sole focus at home.

But I don’t think there’s a magic benchmark as to when you need to quit asking questions, although I think that it makes sense to scale back when you are hearing the same responses over and over and you are not learning anything new. I think that most of us can feel it when we are just in a cycle of frustration.

I know that it is hard to break this cycle.  I had to make a very directed effort to stop myself at times.  It gets easier with time.  And as your marriage strengthens and you feel more secure, you have less of a need to continue to ask the same things. You can read more about my struggles (and how I handled them) on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are on the verge of becoming convinced that there is nothing that can be done to move on from a husband’s affair. Usually, they have been trying to recover for months, or even years, and they feel that they have not been making an acceptable amount of progress. Many have tried to be patient, but they get to a point where they wonder if they need to just give up.

Here’s a typical scenario. Someone might explain something like this: “it has been one year and eight months since my husband’s affair. I find myself at a point where maybe I just need to admit that I am not going to be able to get over it. I really tried and so did my husband. In fact, there were some periods of time during this process where we actually seemed to be doing OK. But eventually, if I saw a woman look at my husband or my husband came home late from work, then the old suspicions and jealousies would start back up again and then things would sour from there. My husband is getting impatient with me and wondering why I can’t just give this up. I honestly do not know why. I wish that I could. But it just seems to follow me around like a bad smell. It seems a shame to walk away now, when we’ve put all this time in. If I had known that we’d still be struggling now, then I would have just given up from the get go. How long do you have to wait until you decide to just give up and admit that you can’t get over the affair?”

This is hard for me to say. In fact, no one can make this decision for anyone else. No one should even try. But I can certainly share my thought process with you – that has come out of my experience, which is somewhat similar. I admit that there were times when I thought that I was not making progress quickly enough. But I am glad that I stuck with it.

Determining If Your Healing Methods Are Effective: I think that if this much time has gone by and you’re still stuck, then you have to ask yourself if you’ve been using the most effective methods to heal. Have you been to counseling or gotten some self help based on expert advice? Honestly, I understand why people want to try to heal alone. But I have to tell you that unless you or your spouse are a mental health counselor, it’s likely that you just don’t have the knowledge or expertise to find your way alone. And even experienced counselors often won’t counsel themselves, because they just don’t have the objectivity to see things clearly. When you are so close to the situation, it is very hard to objectively see what is happening.

If you haven’t yet gotten counseling or educated yourself, I’d suggest attempting that before you give up. After all, you have already put in a lot of time and effort, what is a little more at this point? Especially when something may have the chance to work.

Ask Yourself Why You’re Still Hanging On: Please take this in the way it is intended. I only know that it’s possible because I did it myself. Sometimes, whether we realize it or not, we are hanging onto the affair because we are getting a pay off somehow. I suspected that this might be the case for me after a dear friend told me that I had seemed much more uptight and angry than usual (she did not know about the affair.) This might have been understandable – if it had not been months after the affair and my husband and I had not supposedly been on the road to recovery.

I knew that I rarely do things unless there is some payoff for me, so in my journal that night, I asked myself what could be the pay off for holding on. I decided that if I truly let go, I could no longer hold the affair over my husband’s head as “pay back.” I would no longer have the upper hand. (And who doesn’t want the upper hand?) Plus, if I truly let it go, I would have to be vulnerable and potentially hurt again, which of course, is scary.

I wasn’t naive enough to think that I could just decide to let go and then do so. But I vowed to try to catch myself when I got guarded or angry and then ask myself why I was feeling that way. As I did this, I decided to lean into the anger and try to allow myself to be vulnerable instead.

This worked quite well and was eventually one of the things that helped me turn the corner. I realized that, whether I was intentionally doing it or not, I was holding on because I didn’t want to relinquish power and I wanted the upper hand. But the trade off was that I felt frustrated and mean. It wasn’t a fair trade off, so I eventually let it go.

I’m not going to tell you that you can always move on. I know that there are wives who can’t. I’m not here to judge that because I think it’s perfectly valid and understandable. And I can’t make the call as when it’s time to give up. But I can gently say that you’ve stuck it out for quite a while, which might indicate that you’re still emotionally invested. So it makes sense to ask yourself if there are still things you haven’t yet tried or considered as outlined above.

I understand feeling stuck.  But you deserve better than just treading water.  Ask yourself if there is anything you haven’t tried or any place where you’re still holding on.  I know that sticking it out isn’t for everyone.  But I’m glad that I did.  In my case, it was the right call.  But every one has to make that decision for themselves.  You can read more about this my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Dealing with an affair in your marriage is difficult during any time of the year.  But it can be particularly difficult during the winter holidays, especially if you have children.  This is the time of the year when families are expected to get together and when everyone is expected to be happy and full of cheer.  Many people are not comfortable sharing information about their marriage – even to family.  And yet, it may be obvious to many that you are not feeling the winter cheer this year.  And you can wonder if it’s best to just skip at least some celebrations (that include your husband) or to pretend for the sake of your family, despite the affair.

Someone might say: “my husband’s affair is still really fresh. I only found out three weeks ago.  I am still really struggling. Sometimes I feel as if I am every bit as upset as I was when this first happened.  And here we are at Thanksgiving. We always alternative between going to my parents’ at lunch and his parents’ at dinner.  I am fine with going to my parents for lunch, but I have no desire to see his parents.  No one else knows about this yet, but even if his parents did know, they think that their son can do no wrong. I have told my husband that I don’t want to go, but he insists that we will make it a short trip and he insists that it will upset our kids to not go.  He says that we don’t need to announce that anything has changed and that we can get through anything for a short period of time for the sake of our kids.  He keeps telling me that he hopes that next year, everything will be back to normal with our family.  Of course he hopes for this – as it lets him off the hook.  This is all so easy for him to say. He is not the one who is so hurt.  He is not the one who has to try to pick up the pieces.  I honestly don’t know if I can sit through the dinner with his parents.  But I don’t want to disrupt my kids’ day and I feel like the winter holidays are an important part of childhood.  I love my kids and I want things to be as normal for them as they can possibly be.  Should I just force myself to go?”

Considerations Worth Thinking About: I think the answer to this depends on a few things.  I think that the most important to thing to ask yourself is if you think that you can get through the day and act relatively normally without paying a high price.  Because quite honestly, if you go and are visibly upset and have to explain your behavior to the kids, then this may be more disruptive to them than if you just came up with a plausible excuse not to go at all.  Not only that, but if you go and are upset or things are awkward and people notice, then there may be more explaining to do than if you just came down with a headache or the flu and had to stay home.

If, on the other hand, you feel that you can just sort of coast through the day without anyone being the wiser, then that might be doable.  It really does depend on your ability to compartmentalize and carry on when you are deep down upset.

Some couples are able to put on a happy face when things aren’t great and others are not.  Your situation is a little more tricky and difficult because it is still so fresh.  I don’t think it would be a crime to send the kids off with their dad and claim to have a headache if you truly don’t think you want to do this or feel that you just can’t do it.  The kids still get to enjoy the holiday with extended family and no one needs to know that anything is amiss.  People miss holidays due to illness or emergencies all of the time.  And if you truly can’t or don’t want to do it, then it’s better to bow out than to have an unfortunate, awkward experience during the holidays.

If you think you can swing it and just want to get it over with, then that’s valid too.  But I think that you have every right to make your own choice and to not be pressured by anyone else’s expectations.

If you choose not to go, you might try: “I know that you want to just carry on as usual this year, but I don’t feel that I can do that.  I’m going to just beg off as not feeling well.  You can take the kids so they won’t miss anything.  Like you, I hope that things are back to normal next year, but I am just not able to pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t.  It’s too fresh this year.”

If you decide to stick it out, you might try: “I’m going to do this for the kids, but I don’t want to stay as long as normal. I want to give myself a break, make an appearance, and then come home and spend time with the kids.  I think that this is a fair compromise, considering how fresh everything is. I hope that next year is different, but for this year, I feel like we need to make concessions.”

No one can decide which route you want to take but you, but don’t let anyone tell you that either path isn’t valid.  You should have the luxury to be guided by your own feelings and wishes.  You aren’t trying to keep the kids from family.  But you have every right to consider your own well being as well.  Sometimes, we go and we find that it’s not as bad as we had feared.  And other times, we just don’t have it in us to find out.  Either way is valid.

I certainly did beg off of some traditions and get-togethers after my husband’s affair.  And some traditions were important to me personally so I kept them going.  It really depends on how you feel about each individual thing.  And your wishes and feelings matter as much as anyone else’s.  You can read more about my own struggles during a similar time on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There is an assumption that people who cheat don’t feel all that guilty about it. After all, if there was any guilt, they probably wouldn’t cheat in the first place. If it helps, I can clarify that I hear from some of these folks and I can tell you that many of them feel so guilty that they are looking for tips on how to manage the feelings – which are negatively affecting their lives. Many of them wonder why they feel so guilty. Because some of them feel at least somewhat justified in cheating. They feel that their spouse wasn’t holding up their end of the bargain or was acting in such a way that he (or she) deserved the betrayal.

A wife might say: “quite honestly, for the last five years, my husband has been horrible to me. He is not supportive. When I lost my job, instead of comforting me and telling me that he would pick up the slack, he encouraged me to take any job that paid right away. As a result, I’m very unhappy in my dead end job but he never seems to care. After I lost a pregnancy, I caught him chatting with people online rather than supporting me. His excuse is that he was only flirting with these people, but that he would never meet them face to face. He doesn’t show me the compassion and care that most people show for their spouse. I often feel ignored. So yes, I did cheat with a man at my dead end job. I honestly think that this was a coping mechanism. And I didn’t expect to feel guilty about it because my husband is so awful, that I don’t see how he could ever expect my loyalty. The thing is, I do feel guilty. Awfully guilty. Every time I lie to my husband or every time I come home late from being with the other guy and he is sitting at home where he should be, I feel just horrible about it. And I do not understand why this is. He deserves any bad behavior that comes his way after the way that he has treated me. So why do I feel so badly about it?”

I can only speculate, but I certainly have a theory. After my own husband’s affair, I was so awful to him. I never cheated in retaliation. Frankly, I didn’t want anything to do with the opposite sex whatsoever at that point. But I was extremely sarcastic and critical. I had no problem calling him awful names and attacking him personally. And I would sometimes get finished berating him and I would go in my room and cry.

I didn’t understand why “getting it all out” didn’t make me feel better and instead made me feel worse. This went on for a while until it dawned on me why I was feeling so badly. I was conducting myself in a way that was not in alignment with the type of person that I considered myself to be. I was stooping to a level that I never wanted to visit.

Did my husband deserve my unkindness? Absolutely. But honestly, that did not make my behavior right. I had a recent experience that further proves my point. My family was on vacation and this sour, nasty, mean woman actually butted my child in line. She literally pushed him out of her way and said something that I can’t even repeat here. I tried to approach the situation calmly, asking her what the problem seemed to be. Well, the only way I can accurately describe her response is to say that she went off – screaming and yelling obscenities. I wish I could tell you that I took the high road. But I did not. I was so shocked and angry that she would act this way at a family outing with children around that I yelled right back. One look at my family’s shocked faces stopped me, and I eventually muttered “clearly, you have bigger problems than this family outing.” And I walked away in a huff.

But I found myself crying after that incident, too. And I believe the reason is that I knew that I had stooped to her level and this is not the kind of person I want to be. I was matching her very bad behavior with behavior that is very bad for me. I want to be in control of my actions. I do not want to model this kind of behavior to my family. I let myself down. Even though I was justified.

I suspect you are going through the same thing. You know that your husband’s behavior makes your cheating somewhat understandable. But, you still know that it is wrong. You still know that you have broken a promise to yourself and to your spouse. Because quite honestly, there really isn’t justification for cheating.  So, you know that, in a way, you’ve let yourself down because this is not the kind of person you want to be.

With all of this said, what is done is done. You can’t change it. You can only make it right at this point. And ultimately, what you decide to do with your marriage is up to you. But I suggest that you deal with your marriage rather than retaliate because of it – even if your husband’s behavior is so bad that you would be justified if you didn’t.

Why? Because if you conduct yourself in a way that is different from your own life standards and ideals, you know it in your gut. And you will take that regret and that sorrow into your next relationship or into your marriage if you choose to save it. And life is too short for that, especially when you are having such strong feelings of guilt.

After a while of being deplorable to my husband after his affair, I realized that in order to really heal, I needed to act like the mature adult that I knew myself to be.  This required me to take the high road, but I always felt at peace with that.  I always felt worse when I conducted myself badly and better when I conducted myself well. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s normal to have conflicting emotions after you find out about your husband’s affair.  You may go from not wanting him in your line of sight to fantasizing about saving your marriage over the course of only a few hours.

One morning you may be considering kicking him out and by night time, you’re thinking about your children not living with their father and so you’re researching counseling options. This can make you feel as if there is something wrong with you or that you are being too wishy-washy, but it is normal.  Swinging from one emotion and one course of action to another happens to nearly every one at some point.  And even when you make the decision to try to work things out, you can still find yourself rebelling in a way.  You might still have long days of doubt where you find yourself pushing your spouse away.

Someone might explain: “after about a month of waffling about what I wanted to do with my marriage after my husband’s affair, I finally decided that I would be open to seeing what happened between us.  I told my husband that I was not going to ask him to leave and that, should he do what I asked and be willing to go to counseling and be rehabilitated, then I would be committed to trying to work things out.  He agreed.  And honestly, he has done most of what I’ve asked. He does go to counseling and even though I know he hates it, he sits there without complaint.  He stays home every single night.  He is trying to be attentive to me.  The problem isn’t totally with him.  It’s also with me.  He tries to be sweet to me, but I find myself pushing him away.  I find myself almost picking fights with him and being deliberately mean.  I get angry at myself afterward, but of course by then the damage is done.  I’m very frustrated with myself about this.  And I feel like its going to mean that I lose my marriage regardless of how hard we are trying.  Why am I pushing him away like this?  And how can I stop?  It makes me feel like a mean-spirited person and I am not normally like this.”

You are not a mean person.  What you are going through is absolutely normal.  I dealt with it and I don’t know many who have escaped it, especially in the beginning.  Below, I will go over some reasons that might be contributing to his issue and I will discuss how you might handle it.

An Unconscious Desire For Him To Prove His Love And Commitment:  I can only speak for myself here, but I honestly believe that the biggest reason that I pushed my husband away was because I wanted to see if he would hang around, despite my treatment.  I guess in my mind, I thought that if he stuck around even when I was being mean to him, then he must really love me and be committed to me.  I know that this was twisted thinking that was destined to breed resentment.  But early on, I do believe that I was operating under that principal.  Luckily, I gained confidence that he truly wanted to be there as time went on and I was able to stop, which leads me to my next point.

Sometimes, You Are Reacting To The Doubts And You’re Trying To Protect Yourself:  Frankly, there were times during my recovery process where I was a little short and mean to every one – not just my husband.  I was always plagued with fears and doubts.  I was resentful that my life had come to this when I had done nothing wrong, so I was likely to lash out at any one who happened to be there at the time. But of course, it was a little worse for my husband, because we both knew that he was the cause.

You May Be Trying To Protect Yourself With Emotional Walls: There’s sometimes a subconscious desire to not let him get too close to you emotionally. This is meant to protect you from getting hurt again. You might think that if you can keep him at arm’s length, you might not get burned.  Of course, keeping him at a distance also means that you sacrifice the intimacy.  Now that you see that it’s pretty normal to feel the way that you do, let’s talk about how to put a lid on it.

How To Stop Pushing Him Away:  Right now, you have emotional walls built around yourself meant to protect you.  It’s normal and natural.  But, it’s common sense that in order to get the intimacy back (which we all want,) you have to let the walls down.

The first step is being aware of when and how it is happening.  Often, there are some triggers that happen just before you lash out or pull away.  I want you to be aware because if you know when this is coming, you can pause and stop yourself before you act.  Train yourself to always pause and think before you talk or take any action.  Train yourself to step back (mentally – not physically) when your husband makes physical overtures, so that you are not as likely to just pull away without pausing or thinking about it first.

Finally, ask yourself if you’re pulling away because there is something that you are particularly angry about or are finding unresolved.  If that is the cause, then get it out there.  Leaving it between you is obviously causing a rift.  You don’t have to be ugly about it, but sometimes shining a light on the elephant in the room can turn down the anger, which in turn will lower the amount of times you pull away.

This can naturally get better in time once you begin to see regular progress.  That’s why it’s key to not shut down and to keep working toward progress and improvement.  Confidence allows you to feel safe in allowing him to get close to you.

Don’t beat yourself up too much about this.  It is normal.  Try to be aware and move forward anyway.  If you can do these things, the issue really should take care of itself in time.  At least that was my experience.   There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Honestly, it isn’t fair that the person who seems to struggle the most after someone is unfaithful is the very person who should suffer the least – the faithful spouse. Often, the faithful spouse took no unfortunate action. They did nothing wrong. And yet, after they learn about the affair, it is them who feels badly about themselves.

I can tell you first hand that even if you are normally a confident person who knows that you are reasonably attractive, observant, and intelligent, you may begin to doubt these things about yourself the second you find out that your spouse has been cheating on you. Frankly, you could be unquestionably beautiful and accomplished and still feel that you weren’t quite good enough to hold your spouse’s attention and keep him faithful.

I often hear from wonderful women who say things like: “I feel so hideously ugly, fat, old, and stupid after finding out that my husband has been cheating on me. The woman is younger and she clearly is only interested in his money. But I am less worried about her motivations and more worried about my husband’s. Honestly, I may not even want him anymore. But I worry that no one is going to want me now. I feel like I’m losing my looks and I wonder how I could have been so stupid as to have not seen the signs. I feel like I’m losing a step and my self esteem is plummeting. This is a vicious cycle because it makes me angry at myself and it makes me feel weak. How can I maintain my self image? I used to be so confident and I actually liked myself. But I can feel this slipping away from me. I am as angry at myself as I am at my husband.”

I know that this is hard. But you have to be very vigilant about taking care of yourself right now. Because this process is hard enough on you without you beating yourself up. If you get nothing else from this article, please get this. This is not your fault and it very likely has nothing to do with your shortcomings. It has to do with your husband’s shortcomings. It is not where you come up short. It is where your husband comes up short. If you think about it, nothing about you has changed. You look the same as you did before you found out the affair. You are every bit as intelligent as you were. Nothing at all has changed, really, except for your knowledge of the affair.

Think about it this way. How can you feel stupid if it was your husband who made the mistake? Maybe you didn’t see it, but that is because you expected the best out of the person you loved the most. How can you really fault yourself for that?

Let The Appropriate Person Take The Responsibility: After an affair, you have no choice but to eventually deal with the issues that come up. Eventually, you will decide what you want to do with your marriage. There will be practical matters to attend to. But you don’t have to personalize this process.

Make no mistake.  Women have a tendency to take the blame in MANY situations. If our child misbehaves or does something wrong, we believe that we weren’t a good enough mother. If our boss falls short in some way, we think that we were not a good enough employee.

You have to train yourself to reject this type of thinking. We do not need to take on every one else’s mistakes as our own. Sometimes, their mistake is exactly that. Theirs.

It can be appropriate to learn and evolve from any situation. But none of aftermath of the affair is your responsibility. It is your husband’s. Don’t take on his mistake as your own.

Shelter Yourself From This Storm: Right now, there is no such thing as being overly gentle and caring when dealing with yourself. If your sister was going through this, could you love her enough, reassure her enough, and build her up enough? No, you’d do everything in your power to tell her that she is beautiful, talented, and brilliant. Right now, you have to treat yourself exactly as you would if this were some girlfriend or family member who you love and are protective of.

Get An Additional Perspective And Cheerleader If You Need It: Sometimes, we are so close to this situation that it is very difficult for us to remain objective. If we tell ourselves that we are beautiful, we feel vain or as if we are lying or in denial. We can’t quiet those thoughts that say “well if you were truly beautiful inside and out, why did your husband cheat on you?” Never mind that he probably cheated because it was HIM and not us that he didn’t think was so beautiful.

Because it is so hard to see this objectively, there is nothing wrong with enlisting a third party to keep you on track. Sometimes, this will be a therapist or other times it will be a best friend or family member. Now, I think you have to be careful about choosing this person. If you think you may want to save your marriage eventually, you don’t want to choose someone who is going to give you their opinion on this every time you turn around. You want to choose someone who can separate themselves from the outcome and who can just focus on supporting YOU.

I think that in order to keep your self worth in tact, you have to make that a very high priority and goal. You always have to watch your self talk and check in with yourself. But honestly, you did nothing wrong. And there is no reason to let your opinion of yourself change because of someone else’s actions that have to do with their faults and not with yours.

Also, give yourself permission to do what you need to do to feel good.  I did embark on a self improvement kick after my husband’s affair.  But I did these things for me.  I addressed things that would give me confidence and I have never regretted it.  You can read more about my journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When there is an affair and another person within your marriage, the relationship that is being prioritized (or which relationship is the most important) can get muddled. Often, the other woman assumes that the husband is no longer intimate with his wife. In order to carry out the affair, it is often easier for her if she thinks that the marriage is so broken that no sex is taking place. This is often very far from the truth. She usually assumes that the only intercourse is coming from her. And the wife wonders if she should enlighten the other woman and tell her the truth.

Someone might say: “I know for a fact that my husband’s affair partner thinks that she is the only one in his life. I read their emails. And she believes that he hates me and that we sleep in separate beds. We absolutely do not. In fact, we have sex regularly. And he most definitely does not hate me. She believes that he is only biding his time until he can divorce me and be OK financially. And yet, we have sex all of the time and he is always talking about the future with me. He’s clearly selling her a ton of lies. And I’d like to set her straight. Should I tell her that he is cheating on her with me? That he is cheating on both of us?”

I can certainly see the issue here. You often hope that if she knows that he is lying to her and sleeping with both of you, then she will break off the affair because it’s all been happening under false pretenses. I know how attractive this must seem.

But I have to tell you that I often suggest not allowing the other woman into your life – which means not confronting her or talking to her.  I know you feel like you have a good reason to contact her, but I nearly never see this scenario working out in anything but a very negative way. She often is not receptive to what you have to say simply because you are the one saying it. And she is often very invested in believing her own version of the truth.  Sometimes, she may even believe that your husband is having sex with you, but she does not care because she still believes that it doesn’t matter.

Since it’s not healthy or advisable to have a relationship with her, my suggestion would be to take this up with the person you do have a relationship with – your husband. Because quite frankly, this triangle is every bit as unhealthy for you as it is for her. I know you want to point out that your husband is “selling her a ton of lies.” And yet, I’m going to say this as gently as I can.  But, he is doing the same with you. I believe that it is going to be very difficult to make any headway on your marriage when he is involved in two relationships.

So I might suggest something like this: “I know that you’ve told the other woman that we have no kind of relationship and that we are not having sex. Clearly, you are leading her to believe something that isn’t true. This isn’t fair to anyone. And I can only assume that you are lying to her because you know that she would end the affair if she knew the truth. This tells me that you really don’t have any intention of ending it with her and that you are willing to lie in order to keep it going. I can’t participate in our marriage under those circumstances. We don’t have a good chance of repairing anything if you can’t focus on one relationship. She deserves to know the truth. And I deserve your fidelity. You are relating to both of us under false pretenses and it is not fair.”

You didn’t threaten your husband that you would tell the other woman the truth in this conversation, but he might logically come to this conclusion and either chose to tell her himself or to end the relationship. I understand that you don’t want to have this conversation because there is risk in it. The fear is that he will choose her.

But here is another perspective. By allowing this to go on, you’re allowing him to choose her anyway. He’s choosing you both and he’s choosing to operate both relationships under complete dishonesty. Perhaps you can’t control how he conducts his relationship with her. But you can control how he conducts it with you. And you can make it clear that you won’t tolerate the lies and the betrayal in your own relationship. You can choose to pause things until he comes to a decision.

He may need time to come to a decision about which direction he really wants to take. This can seem unbearable, but it’s my belief that it’s better than continuing on with this very unhealthy cycle. It has to be very painful to know that he is continuing on in the way that he is. And his current path doesn’t offer any sort of resolution for anyone. It is just continuing on with the lies with two relationships that can’t possibly be healthy. Because one can’t thrive while the other exists.

But I don’t think that there is any benefit to your being the one to break the bad news to her. Likely, she will figure this out for herself. And when she does, at least you didn’t allow her into your life any more than she already is.

I admit that I was tempted to confront the other woman.  But ultimately, I decided that doing this would give her more power.  And my whole aim was to lessen the power she had over me. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Without any doubt, I firmly believe that if someone surveyed wives with cheating husbands and asked them what behavior they were most looking for, the answer would be remorse.

This makes sense.  Because most of us believe that if someone feels true sorrow for their actions then they will be much less likely to repeat those actions.  It is why we scold children who have done something wrong.  We believe that if they understand why their behavior was wrong, we are less likely to have to revisit the issue.

Along those same lines, wives who don’t see remorse often feel that they will never be able to trust their husband.  They believe that since he doesn’t see why he is wrong, he is much more likely to repeat the behavior, which by definition, makes him untrustworthy.  It can be very difficult to rebuild your marriage when you think that you can not (and will never be able to) trust your husband.

A wife may describe the issue this way: “when pressed, my husband will mumble a short and insincere apology for cheating on me, but he so clearly does not mean it.  And he is so clearly angry at even having to explain himself or to have to answer for his actions.  And when we talk about the reasons that he cheated, he is so full of justifications — as though he truly believes that he had legitimate reasons to cheat on me. He says that he wants to make our marriage work. And deep down, I want that too.  But I just do not know how this will ever be possible.  I do not see how I will ever be able to trust him.  Especially when he doesn’t seem to feel that he did anything wrong and he seemingly feels no remorse.”

I am sorry that you are going through this. It may help (just a little bit) to know that what you are feeling is almost universal.  Very few of us see or get the remorse that we were hoping for and feel that we absolutely need and must have (especially at first.)

Why He May Be Keeping His Remorse Under Wraps: Very often, our husband feels that it is in his best interest to keep his remorse very tightly under lock and key.  The fear is that if we sense his sorrow and his guilt, we will pounce on that in order to make him feel even worse.  In short, he is posturing because he is trying to make things easier on himself.  But what he doesn’t get is that if he would just allow himself a little vulnerability and allow you to see the remorse, you could both move on more quickly without needing to dwell on this.

Why It’s Not In Your Best Interest To Try To Force Remorse: We all tend to dwell and then, when we don’t see the behavior that we are looking for, we try to exhibit force.  If he’s not sorry, then by golly, we are going to force that sorrow out of him.  We are going to tell him just how much he has wronged us.  But although we are justified in this, frankly most of the time, this only makes him more defensive and this only makes him feel more justified.

Getting The Right Kind Of Help To Nudge Him Forward: I would like to share with you a story I was recently told about a couple’s counseling session.  I’m going to paraphrase and I’m not going to identify those involved.  But I hope that very shortly, you will see how this story relates to the topic at hand.

A couple were struggling with this exact same issue – the husband was denying guilt and the wife felt that, because of this, she could not trust him.  They had several sessions under their belts so they both respected and listened to their counselor. The wife said that she did not feel that she could trust her husband because of his lack of remorse and the counselor said: ‘you are absolutely right.  You can not trust him. It is too soon and he is going to have to earn your trust over time.  But not being able to completely trust him does not mean that you can’t move forward and hope for the best anyway.  Of course, you will keep your eyes open, but you will hopefully move forward cautiously anyway.’

Then the husband piped in with the fact that although he did feel some remorse, he also felt plenty of justification.  The counselor let the husband go on and on.  The wife got frustrated and felt that the counselor was almost siding with the husband.  Until the counselor blurted out: ‘you can say whatever you want, but in the end, people cheat because they have made a decision to do what feels good at the time, regardless of their commitments or who it might hurt.  When you cheat, you are basically saying that you value what feels good to you over what is best for your family. And that is very selfish and immature regardless of your excuses.  We can fix this with a lot of effort.  But we can not fix it until you admit to your wrongdoing.’

At that point, the husband started to cry and all of the remorse came pouring out like a river.  I tell this story because I want for you to see that sometimes, it takes someone else to bring the remorse out of your husband.  Your husband is much less likely to respond to your requests for remorse because he knows that you have a vested interest in wanting it. But, if someone he respects requests it, he is much more likely to respond.

It’s Common To Expect Trust Too Early:   I also tell you this story because I want to stress that I feel that often, people expect the trust too early.  In the weeks following the discovery of the affair, many wives are already saying they don’t feel or foresee the trust.

Of course you don’t.  You can’t possibly.  I can tell you first hand that you don’t begin to feel that trust until time has passed and you can see that your husband did not cheat again and that he carried out his promises.  I don’t think there is any way to skip over this.  Because there is no way to see if he’s going to do what he says until time passes.

The two main points I want to leave you with are these.  Sometimes, the remorse is there but it has to be coaxed out of your husband by someone he respects.  And, the trust won’t be there in the beginning regardless of whether you see the remorse or not.  In my experience, the trust must be earned over time.  And the remorse is usually there, but he has some interest in not allowing you to see it – whether that is because of posturing or pride.

There were times when my husband postured about a lack of guilt.  But this was just to get me to back off.  As time passed and we addressed this, the posturing fell away.  It didn’t serve either of us.  There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: We’ve probably all heard of couples who live their whole married lives with one or both of them having someone else “on the side.” Many people don’t understand how such a marriage could survive, but some do. However, when it is your own marriage that you are talking about, your judgements about this can change.

A wife might say: “my husband has been having an affair for almost two years. For the longest time, he denied it. So I couldn’t really deal with it because I didn’t have any real proof. But about six months ago, the other woman called me and she confirmed that they’ve been at it for a while. She tried to reassure me that she didn’t want to take my husband away. She is married also and she says that neither of them have any intention of leaving their families. My husband is now saying that he isn’t going to let her go, but he doesn’t see why it can’t work out for everyone. He says that he doesn’t want to end our marriage. He feels that things can just go along like they have been. He says that our marriage doesn’t need to be negatively affected. I don’t really buy this, but I’m not sure what I can do when he’s refusing to end it. One of my friends says her mother and father both had other people during their entire marriage and yet they were married for fifty years until one of them passed away. She says that a long term affair doesn’t have to be a serious threat to a marriage. Is she right?”

Well, I suppose that this would depend upon the people involved. As I alluded to before, apparently, there are some marriages that manage to survive this arrangement. And as long as every one involved is feeling happy and loved, then who am I to judge?  I know that this arrangement would not work for me personally, but I can’t speak for every one else.

I would think, however, that many women might have a hard time with this.  And it sounded like the wife in this scenario had some serious doubts and concerns about this situation. I would have to think that although a marriage can make it if the married couple agrees to stay together, I can not imagine how it wouldn’t negatively affect your marriage. Because one person is going outside of the marriage, the trust has got to be eroded. And the faithful spouse must feel like she’s not getting her husband’s complete loyalty and commitment.

I would think that the resentments about this (and potentially the avoidance of talking about it) would take a toll on your marriage and would weigh on you personally. But again, I’m only guessing. Everyone is different and I suppose some people manage to not only live in this situation, but also be content.

I guess the real question is what is the happiness level in the marriage. Sure, anyone can stay married by deciding not to get divorced. But what kind of marriage is it? I would think it would be a shell of its former self. I would think that it would be damaged by resentments and betrayals but again, who am I to judge anyone else’s marriage?

That’s not to say that a marriage can’t be healed regardless of what damages it. But I’d imagine it would be hard to heal if the infidelity was ongoing. I would think that you might make some progress – only to see damage as the affair continues to go on.  To me, the real healing can begin once you know that there is no one else and the affair is over, but everyone is different.

And I’ve never been in this wife’s shoes. My own husband ended his affair. I believe that this was necessary in order for us to heal. I would not have been willing to attempt to save my marriage if this weren’t the case.

But if the arrangement works for this couple, then really it is no one’s business but their own. However, the wife’s reaching out could indicate that it’s not really working out for her and that she has concerns about this. If that is the case, I’d encourage her to be honest. Because it’s not fair for her not to have a voice in this. It is her marriage and it is her life. And she doesn’t have to accept what doesn’t work for her without trying to renegotiate.

I felt that my husband’s affair was a serious threat to my marriage and I insisted that it end immediately.  I know that not everyone has that luxury.  But regardless of the choices that your husband makes, no one can stop you from working on and caring for yourself.  To me, that’s the best thing that you could possibly do – since no one can take that away from you. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Quite frankly, some wives are shocked to find that they still have a marriage at all after their husband’s affair.  Many assume that the second they find out about any infidelity whatsoever, they are out of the marriage.  But, oh so often, it just isn’t that simple.  Sometimes, the husband just will not bow out gracefully.  Or perhaps it’s difficult to look at your children and consider that you left their father without at least thinking about saving the marriage.  Perhaps you tell yourself that you will leave in the days to come.  And yet, you never do.

Whatever the reason, many wives find themselves still married after the affair.  I need to be clear here.  I understand staying.  I did it myself.  And I’m not here to judge it.  But sometimes when you stay, you are still disappointed.  You find yourself in a struggling marriage, full of resentments and disappointments and you wonder if this is your fate for the rest of your days.  Or perhaps you think that you just need to pull the plug on your marriage if this is all you have to look forward to.

Someone might explain: “I honestly do not even recognize my marriage today.  I am not happy with it.  At all.  It’s like an old-person marriage, where the couple bicker and secretly hate one another.  It is the type of marriage that I swore I would never have. It all went to heck after my husband’s affair. I actually did pack my stuff, load up the kids, and stay with my sister for a while.  But the kids were whining and homesick, my husband was calling every night and begging me to come home, and my job was not so understanding about all of the time off.  So I reluctantly went back, but I told my husband that it might be only temporary.  He told me that he would take what he could get.  We did go to counseling, but I did not care for the counselor.  I started to dread going. So we eventually stopped. Now I’ve got a marriage that is barely hanging on.  My husband walks on egg shells around me because I am so angry all of the time.   We never have any fun.  Our kids are timid about everything.  I am not happy with this marriage.  But I am not sure if I would be happier divorced.”

I hear from a lot of people expressing the same sentiment.  You are not alone.  And you are not feeling anything that is not understandable.  I am going to make a suggestion and I hope that you will hear me out.  Many times, I considered calling it a day where my marriage was concerned.  I even took a break from it for a time.  But I can now say I’m glad that I stuck around – but only because I got serious about getting the marriage that I ultimately wanted.

People think I’m crazy when I say that a marriage crisis can be an opportunity.  I am not saying that it feels great at the time.  But I am saying that it does give you the opportunity to rebuild and to throw out what never worked and to keep what did.  It gives you the chance to learn new skills, throw away those habits that are destructive, and embrace new ones that are good.

It is one of those rare times where you have the chance to ask for – or even demand – what you want.  You may feel as if you have to settle for less, but I don’t think that this is necessarily true.  I know it’s frustrating when you do the right thing – get counseling or try to talk it out – and then be frustrated by the process.  I tried a few counselors as well as self help until I found some things that gelled with me.  That’s fine.  Everything won’t work all of the time.  Some things will fit and others will not. Give yourself permission to stop what isn’t working and to embrace and lean on what is.

There is no path that is right or wrong for everyone.  But, I would suggest that before you do decide to throw in the towel where you know that you may be equally as unhappy, you try counseling or other resources once more and you are honest with your husband about what is not working for you. Since you describe him as walking on eggshells, he may be very motivated to do whatever it takes to make things better.

I know that there is a perception that a marriage will always be damaged by an affair and can never return to it’s former good health.  However, there are plenty of couples who will tell you that their marriage not only recovered during the affair, but it made it stronger in some ways.  That is the way it happens sometimes.  I would never want to repeat a child’s illness, the passing of a parent, or financial difficulty.  But all of those things, including the affair, made my marriage a little more sturdy because each time, we bent but we did not break.  And that made us stronger.  Because we overcame.  You can read more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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