Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  If you’re dealing with a spouse who you strongly suspect or know had an emotional affair, it is very frustrating when they will not acknowledge or admit it.  And the most typical or common denial that you will hear is that the two of them were “just” close friends.  A husband might say this as if she were just a buddy with whom he’d watch or attend a sporting event.  And no matter how much you try to get him to see that having this sort of relationship with another woman is wrong and inappropriate, he will often cling tightly to his “just friends” excuse.

A wife might say: “my husband does not understand why I am so angry by his emotional affair.  Honestly, I feel every bit as hurt as I might if I walked in and saw my husband in bed with the other woman.  I didn’t.  Instead, I found all these emails and texts between them where they are discussing the most intimate details of their lives.  My husband would tell her the problems with our marriage.  She would tell him what one of her kids did.  They will complain about their mothers and how they are not appreciated at work.  Frankly, it is almost like reading a conversation between two women.  But at the end, one of them will sign off with how much they love each other.  I do have to admit that at no point in any of the correspondence do they make any indication of physical contact.  There is nothing like: ‘I can’t wait to have your hands on me,’ or anything like that.  But they do clearly look forward to seeing each other and getting together.  And they clearly lean and one another emotionally.  My husband was obviously panicked when I found this correspondence.  By the guilty look on his face and the way that he got all flustered when I confronted him, it’s obvious that somewhere deep down, he knows that he was wrong.  He’s even asked me who I’ve told.  But when it comes right down to it, he continues to say that they are just friends and that it was no affair.  He admits that he considers her his best friend and says he wishes she were a man.  I told him that your wife is supposed to be your best friend and his response is that he feels that he can talk to her about anything because there is nothing romantic between them.  He says it’s harmless.  But that is not how it feels to me.  He says I should not worry about but I am VERY worried about it.  How do I make him see that this was an affair and that it was extremely inappropriate?”

Well, you have to understand that right now, he is probably in denial.  And he is motivated by the wish to make you believe that he didn’t do anything horribly wrong.  If he can make you believe that she is just a friend and you don’t have a romantic rival, then the hope is that you can just go on as if nothing major has happened.

Ironically, he may well believe this.  Many people do truly believe that no affair has occurred if there was no sex.  What they don’t understand is that very often, these “close friendships” lead to sex and they lead to a relationship that threatens a marriage.  Most experts will tell you that when you get your emotional needs met by someone other than your spouse, then that is a serious problem.  And it’s an even bigger problem if the person meeting your emotional needs is a person of the opposite sex with whom you are spending time and energy that other wise would be spent on your spouse.

Another big tip off that something is wrong is when your spouse is interacting with this “close friend” in secret.  Most of the time, the husband is not texting, emailing and talking to this woman “friend” right in front of his wife.  Even if he tells himself that there is nothing inappropriate, he still does most of his communicating in private. Why? Because he knows that his wife is going to be hurt and upset.  Deep in his heart, he knows that it’s wrong and that he is going to have a lot of explaining to do if his wife discovers the full extent of the relationship.

Men typically don’t understand the full consequences of this until they are able to get some distance.  Initially, they are too close to it to see it for what it really is.  Sometimes, it takes a counselor to tell him that the relationship is inappropriate and to ask that he ends the relationship or the intensity of it.

If you are resistant to counseling, then you can try this on your own by telling him that you are not accusing him of lying about the relationship, but are insisting that it is still inappropriate because the emotional investment he was making with her was the emotional investment he should have been making with you.  And you can stress that this makes you very uncomfortable and is negatively affecting your marriage and putting it at risk.

If he’s unwilling to alter the relationship, then that gives you important information as to just how much she matters to him.  Pointing this out to him may or may not be effective.  And often, he’s emotionally attached and so he believes it is in his interest not to see reality when it comes to her.

I wish I could tell you that a “just friends” relationship with another woman is nothing to worry about it.  But I get too much correspondence concerning physical affairs that started on an emotional level.  These relationships can be harder to overcome because there is now both a physical and an emotional bond and he comes to believe that he is dependent on her on many different levels.  That’s why it’s best to address it before it goes any further and crosses any other lines.

I know that this is tough, but if you can stop the contact between them, you can recover from an affair.  I did.  It wasn’t easy, but with determination and effort, it can certainly be done.  You can read more about things that worked and things that didn’t on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s not at all uncommon for me to hear from people who fantasize about taking revenge on their spouse or the other person after an affair. And this is certainly understandable. When your spouse and one other dishonorable person make a mockery of your marriage vows and betray you in the worst way possible, it’s normal and understandable to feel that they should pay or that they should feel the pain and hurt that you are feeling. Unfortunately, these sort of feelings about and wish for revenge rarely make you feel better. I’ve had people tell me that revenge has made them momentarily feel better, but the feeling is often fleeting and it will sometimes cause you more pain than it relieves. The reason for this is that when you focus on revenge, you also focus on the wrong done to you and your pain. But, in order to feel better you should be focusing on moving forward. Many people do realize this and they wish they could stop focusing on revenge. But every time they try, their feelings come back.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I’m sort of obsessed on getting revenge on the other woman and my husband. I know that this type of behavior is beneath me. And when I did switch my husband’s sugar bowl for his coffee with salt, when I canceled his sports channel, and when I gave his golf clubs to goodwill, these things didn’t really make me feel the relief or the joy that I would have hoped. I know that I shouldn’t be thinking about these things but I can’t seem to help myself. I fantasize about them cheating on each other or the relationship going sour. I want them both to fail and feel pain. And if I can do anything to facilitate that, I am tempted to do it. I know two wrongs don’t make a right. So how can I stop feeling this way. And when will I stop being so focused on revenge?”

I can tell you from experience that it’s absolutely normal to be tempted to want or take revenge. But many wives know that this so rarely makes you feel the closure that you are hoping for. Instead, it seeks to transfer your pain onto them. But you know what? Until you heal and place your focus on moving forward, you’re going to keep right on feeling that pain, whether you get revenge or not.

Focus On Improving Your Situation And Yourself And You Will Find That Your Obsession With Revenge Will Wane: I’m going to borrow a phrase from Ivanna Trump and tell you that “the best revenge is living well.” I know and believe this to be true. When you return to a place of happiness and peace in your own life, you no longer have a need to hurt anyone else or make them pay. Because you know that the universe has taken care of you and will do the same for them. In other words, it may offer you some relief to believe that they will get what is coming to them without your needing to take or seek revenge or to stoop down to their level. So, your efforts are better spent on your own self care or recovery.

Here’s what this looks like in real life. In my own experience, every time I would feel the anger building within me or felt that need for revenge, I would try to divert myself back to me by doing something nice or beneficial for myself. I might take a walk around the block, study for those classes I finally had the courage to take, or plan out my future.

Another thing that often helps is really being honest with yourself. Ask yourself what it is that you really want. Because, if you can try to meet your own desires, you will have less of a need to worry with anyone else. In my own case, I really wanted to feel some respect for myself and I wanted my own success. So I went back to school and started a new career. This kept me so busy that I no longer needed to dwell on other people.

Does this mean that you don’t give a silent “hooray” when they break up or when misfortune comes their way or they end up cheating on each other? Not necessarily. There’s nothing wrong with being glad that the universe is working in the way that it should. But placing your focus on someone else isn’t usually the healthiest call for you. And that is what you need right now – to focus on your own health and happiness.

When I continued to be honest with myself, I discovered that I didn’t necessarily want revenge, I just wanted my husband to be sorry for what he did. And behind this, I wanted him to be sorry for what I did because I hoped he still loved me. This was very hard to admit at the time, but it lead to me saving my marriage and I think this is better than any revenge could ever be.

Our marriage today is very solid, although we had grave struggles in our recovery. But the affair did push me to do some things that I always wanted and needed to do and it actually made me a stronger, more confident person. If it helps, you can read the whole story about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: One very common topic in the correspondence that I sometimes get is the topic of closure. Everyone who has been through the aftermath of an affair seems to be seeking it. And this includes both the spouse who cheated and the spouse who was cheated on. Closure can be very elusive. Sometimes, it seems as if the more you chase it, the harder it is to obtain. People often seek it in a variety of places. They think that they will get it if they confront the other woman or make their spouse fear for their marriage. They think they will get it when they lose the weight, get the upper hand in the marriage, or go through months of counseling.  Some even divorce and find that they still don’t have it.  Because of course, none of these things guarantees it. People tend to keep track of how long it takes. Most every one who I hear from seems to think that they should have found it by now.

I might hear from a wife who says: “during this whole process of getting over the affair, my number one goal has been closure. I don’t have a lot of demands and expectations, really. I don’t wish to turn back time. I am not stupid enough to think that I could convince myself that the affair never happened or that it’s possible to never feel the pain again. But what I want more than anything is closure. Because I feel that closure will lessen the pain significantly and allow for me to move on with my life. I want to wake up in the morning and feel relatively normal. I don’t want the affair to be on the forefront of my mind all of the time. I don’t want to feel so wounded most of every day. The weird thing about all of this is that I have done everything that I know to do to move on. I’ve gotten counseling. I had a nasty confrontation with the other woman and I wrote her out of my life. I have tried very hard to rebuild my marriage. And I have even told my husband that I have forgiven him. And yet, I still feel trapped. I don’t feel closure. My friend says that this is all a fallacy and that there is never truly closure. My friend lost someone she loved to illness and she says that she will never feel at peace with this loss no matter how much time goes by. She says that an affair is similar in that it can never be OK again, which is what you truly need for closure. Is she right?”

I’ve heard people compare affairs to tragedy like death before. I can see why the comparisons are made. But, with death, there are no second chances. It is final. And that is tragic and so painful. With an affair, you do sometimes get a second chance. And if you save your marriage, it doesn’t need to be final. However, I do see the friend’s point somewhat – in that it can never be erased.

However, I don’t think erasure is what you need for closure. And, I think that the way that people define it is often why they think they can never achieve it. Let me explain what (at least in my opinion) closure isn’t.

What Closure Is Not: I find that people tend to think that when they obtain this closure, their life (and their marriage) will automatically be fine again. Or they think that the pain will just be mostly gone (or at least significantly lessened.) They think that the slate will be wiped clean. They hope that they will suddenly get their confidence back and feel good about themselves once again.

People tend to think of closure as almost a threshold that they must step over and then see a huge transformation. It’s as if once they take that step, all of the things that I mentioned above will happen at all once. They envision that on the day that this happens, all the weight is lifted.

Why I Think Closure Is A Gradual (And Sometimes An Ongoing) Process: In my experience, it did not happen all at once. Instead, it was small improvements in little increments during separate periods of time. It was a gradual improvement. And some days I didn’t even notice it. But people did start to comment that I looked better and seemed to be more at peace. And over time, I realized that they were right. I started to have strings and strings of good days. I started building upon my confidence to transform my life in areas outside of my marriage. But I wasn’t always consciously thinking about it. I just moved forward as I felt better.

But never did I think that one day my life was going to be without conflict or pain once I reached that threshold. I believe I do have closure. But there are still struggles in my life. There are still occasional issues in my marriage, although I am now well-educated on how to address those immediately so that they do not grow. I still feel pain sometimes from all areas in my life.

The difference is that I now realize that I am better-served by addressing these things for myself. My husband doesn’t always notice when I’m not at my happiest or at my best. And, even if he did, he wouldn’t know how to best help me. But I know how to do that. And because of all the work that I have done, I am very proactive when something isn’t right in my life. And I know that I have the power to change the things that I can and handle the things I can’t. And I believe that this is what closure is, at least for me.

My Definition: I am by no means an expert. But I hear from an awful lot of people who feel that there is something wrong with them because they don’t have closure yet. I think that this partly because their definition of it is different than mine. You can’t undo what has been done. You can’t forget the past or erase the hurt.

But here is what you can do. You can come to the very hard-won (but very precious) realization that you can only control yourself. But if you learn to do that well, you will have all that you need. Your well being, your sense of self, your confidence, and your knowledge that you are going to be OK – all of these things all come from you.

And as soon as you realize that and accept that power, then to me, you have closure. Because the truth is, once you understand that you are still going to have your best self no matter what happens in your marriage or with your husband, then you really can close this chapter. Because you don’t need for someone else to act in a certain way in order to fulfill your needs. You can do that for yourself. I know that this sounds simplistic, but it is the best, most honest answer that I have.

Closure is really about making a very conscious decision that you are going to give this peace of mind to yourself. You don’t need it from him and you most certainly don’t want to spend another moment in the other woman’s presence. No one else can give it to or take it from you. It’s the knowledge that you have closed this chapter regardless of what happens next. Because you are going to be OK no matter what.

I hope that this made some sense to you.  It is sort of like Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz.  One day, you wake up and you realize that you had the power to give this closure to yourself all along.  You’re welcome to read more about my own quest to find closure on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There are some wives who ultimately decide that they can no longer stick around after their husband’s affair.  This is not a surprising reaction. In fact, many wives assume that this will be their reaction when and if they learn of infidelity.  This is what you assume, anyway.

But when the affair happens to you, sometimes you find that your reaction is a surprising one that you did not anticipate. Sometimes, when you begin to consider ending your marriage, you just can’t bring yourself to put that course of events into motion.  And the reason for this may be a matter of principal or of stubbornness.  You may not want to “give in” to someone else’s mistakes.  You don’t want to just surrender a part of your life to a complete stranger who doesn’t deserve it.

A wife might explain: “some of my friends think I’m stupid, but I have decided not to end my marriage even though my husband had a very embarrassing affair. To be honest, my husband is still acting a bit like an idiot, but I can tell that he’s trying. And he’s agreed to go to counseling, so there is a small reason to be hopeful.  But more than that, I have decided that I refuse to let the affair win.  What I mean by that is that I just can not in good faith allow some low-class, loser of a woman to walk into my life and take what is mine.  Honestly, I don’t know if I still want my husband, but I’ll be darned if I’m going to let someone take him from me.  If I ultimately choose to give him to her, fine.  But I don’t see that happening.  My friends say that this is dumb of me and that is just my stubbornness and my low self esteem talking.  Are they right?”

Why I Think That Stubbornness Is A Very Valid Reaction: Well, if sticking around or righteousness is a matter of low self-esteem, then I am guilty of the same thing that you are. And yet, I am still married. And since we have rebuilt, I am pretty happily married at that.  I felt the same way that you do.  I refused to allow someone else to ruin the life that I had built for myself and my children.  I felt very indignant and defiant about my right to maintain these things.

I can’t tell you that I was always very clear about my feelings for my husband.  But I was always clear about my feelings for my children and for my family. There were times when the desire to maintain the marriage was there, but the feelings were not.  There were times when I wondered if perhaps I would ultimately be happier on my own.  But during those times, I was determined to not just bail at the first sign of doubt.  I would tell myself that I was not going to make any snap decisions.  I would tell myself that if I ultimately left, I was not going to do so until I’d first tried every avenue to save my marriage.

If I made that effort and I ultimately failed, well then, at least I could walk away knowing that I just didn’t quit.  By no means am I saying that this strategy is for everyone.  I know that it is not.  I know that some people just can not fathom or tolerate sticking around and that is just as valid as any other reaction.

Why Stubbornness Is On The First Step, But Not The Only Step: I am not here to criticize anyone else.  I am trying to offer reassurance that if you choose to stay or delay a decision because of complete stubbornness to not give in, I think that this is valid and I completely understand. But from experience, I can tell you that this will only get you so far.  Yes, it will make you stay put.  But, it won’t rehabilitate your marriage on its own.  And in order to be truly happy, confident and content, you need to have a rehabilitated husband and marriage.  Otherwise, you may find that neither of you are as happy and secure as you want to be.

So no, I don’t think that staying put out of stubbornness or a refusal to let someone win is stupid or a mistake.  But I do think that it’s just a start.  In order to have the marriage that many of us want, you need to go beyond the defiance and also rebuild. Because you don’t want to wake up one day and fear that you are only married because you held onto your damaged marriage for dear life out of determination, but you never fixed it.

Instead, you want to know that the determination might have kept your there initially, but the commitment, the love, and the intimacy kept you there for the long term.  You want to know that you are there because you have a spouse that you are happy with, that you trust, and that you have done the work with.

The Pay Off Of Taking The Next Step: Many people hesitate to do the work.  It isn’t always fun or easy. It’s annoying sometimes.  It can feel like a punishment some days, but it is also the most effective way I know to restore the intimacy and the trust.  And believe me when I say that when these things are absent, you deeply and desperately miss them.  I applaud your stubbornness.  But I also believe that you can’t exist on stubbornness alone.  You deserve more.

Believe me, I am all for stubbornness, but take it one step further and be stubborn enough to not settle for a marriage that is less than what you deserve. Do the work. Rebuild. And craft the marriage that you truly want. I have never regretted doing the same even though it was difficult at the time.  You can read more about how I accomplished this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who cheated on their spouse and who are now suffering because of it.  Many are suffering for multiple reasons.  They know that the cheating was wrong.  They deeply regret hurting their spouse.  They are concerned as to whether or not their marriage is going to make it.  But, even more than that, they are worried that something is going to happen to make them pay for their cheating.  In short, they are worried about karma or payback.

A wife might say: “I guess my cheating was a one night stand. I was traveling for business and I made the grave mistake of drinking in the hotel bar.  One thing lead to another and the next thing I know, I’m sleeping with a stranger because I had too much to drink.  I told my husband immediately.  I knew that the guilt would be too much.  I told my work that I’m not going to travel anymore.  I have offered to go to counseling.  I’m trying to make this right.  But I am so worried that my husband is going to retaliate in some way.  My husband is a very good person and a very good looking man.  In short, he is considered a catch. I just wonder how long it’s going to be before some woman approaches him and he thinks to himself ‘why not?’  Why be faithful to a woman who has cheated on him?  I wonder how long before he figures out that he deserves much better than me?  I am so insecure now.  Because I guess I know in my heart that he does deserve better than me.  I am so afraid that I am going to lose the best thing that ever happened to me because of my actions.  And the thing is, I know that I deserve to lose him.  I don’t want my insecurity to contribute to this, though.  How can I stop being so insecure?”

I wish I could tell you something that was going to magically make you feel completely secure over night. Unfortunately, I know from my own experience that this is often a process.  I suspect that what is going to give you your security back is when you are able to prove to both yourself and to your husband that you can be a good, loyal and loving spouse. It’s only then that you will know without any doubt that you deserve your husband and that you have earned your way back into his heart.

But this doesn’t happen instantaneously.  It happens over a period of time.  It happens when week after week, month after month, and year after year, you prove that you have been the kind of wife that your husband deserves.

So what do you do until then?  You put both one foot in front of the other and you take it day by day.  If you feel that counseling will help you with security and that it might strengthen your marriage so that you feel a little more reassurance, then I’d strongly encourage that.  In short, you give yourself permission to admit that you’re making the best effort that you can and you understand that you’re going to do everything in your power to make this right again, even if it takes a while.  Isn’t your husband worth the time investment?

You can not change what has happened.  And that is a hard reality.  But what you can do is to use this as a catalyst to ensure that this never happens again and you can vow to show your husband that you are completely sincere about earning his trust back and being a very good spouse to him.  If you can do these things, there is less reason to think that he will want or need to replace you or to hurt you in retaliation.

In my opinion, people are most likely to have revenge affairs when they think their spouse isn’t really remorseful or they can plainly see that their spouse isn’t willing to change their behavior so that they might cheat again.  Make sure that neither of these apply to you and get counseling if you need it so that both you and your husband are secure and fulfilled in your marriage.

I know that this sounds very basic, but it is often more challenging than it appears because such strong emotions are involved and people can read the signals all wrong.  However, once you overcome these things, you may find that your marriage is almost stronger than it ever was, which will give you much more confidence and help greatly with the insecurity.

I was the faithful spouse in my own situation.  And my husband often expressed insecurity and he was afraid that I would cheat on him.  I never did.  I wouldn’t even think of that.  And in time, my husband earned my trust and loyalty back.  He may still have a little insecurity, but it is so much less than it was.  And quite honestly, it is no longer justified.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  One of the most persuasive problems that couples have when trying to reconcile after a husband’s affair is the wife believing that he truly still loves her and wants to be with her.  This can be particularly true if he made claims to be “in love” with the other woman.

Sometimes, the other woman will make this claim (while the husband denies it) and the wife will desperately want to believe that it isn’t even close to being the truth.  Someone might ask: “do married men ever tell the other woman that they are in love with her?  The other woman my husband cheated with is telling me that he told her that he’d never loved anymore more than he loves her. I find this a little hard to believe.  I come from a culture where the mistress was sort of disrespected and every one knew that it was only about sex.  People generally believed that a man loves his wife, but he lusts after his mistress.  In my mind’s eye, I pictured my husband having sex with her without much conversation and without exchanging words about their feelings.  But she insists that this is not true.  She insists that he told her that he loved her almost every time that they were together.  Of course, she has no proof of this whatsoever. So that makes me not believe her even more.  And my husband denies ever expressing feelings of love for her.  I want to save my marriage, but I am not sure that I am going to be able to if I believe he actually loved her.  The affair is over.  He has been with me pretty much every waking moment since I found out about it, so I do believe that he has broken it off and perhaps her whole ‘love’ claims are because she’s trying to split us up so she can have him.  But it makes me curious if married men tell the other woman that they love her.”

Men Can Express Love For Various Deceptive Reasons: From the correspondence that I get, it is pretty clear that in some instances, yes, this claim is made.  I think that the reasons why a husband makes this claim can certainly vary.  Some men are dealing with a woman who isn’t going to carry out the affair unless she believes that he loves her and that they are going to have a future.  (And so he tells her what she wants to hear.)  Other men may truly believe that they are in love with her in that moment in time, but then quickly change their minds when they are faced with the prospect of losing their marriages.

Putting It In Perspective: I know that what I am about to say may seem insensitive and I don’t intend for it to come out that way.  But think for a second about what really matters.  Your husband has made no attempt to see her and he seems perfectly content to end the affair and move on with his marriage.  Does this sound like a man who is desperately in love with the other woman?

If he loved her that much, he would have refused to end the affair and would still actively be in that relationship.  But this is not the case.  He chose you.  And he chose to break things off with her abruptly and completely.  This is not the behavior of a man who is deeply in love with another woman.

And I am not defending the behavior of your husband or any man who cheats.  I know first hand just how hurtful and devastating that behavior is.  At the same time though, I do believe that most men are telling the other woman what he thinks she wants to hear.

Why An Affair Doesn’t Meet The Criteria For A ‘Loving’ Relationship: A relationship based on lies and secrets can’t be a very loving relationship, by definition alone.  Most of the time, the other woman desperately wants to believe that she is loved because it makes the whole thing easier for her.  I’m not saying that she’s lying.  He may have told her that he loved her.  But his behavior right now does not indicate that he does.

We all know that truly loving relationships are built over time.  They require honestly, loyalty, and truth.  They often come about gradually and they mature as the couple weathers storms together. Most of the time, an affair does not meet this criteria.  It is a short term thing that generally happens when a man is struggling emotionally and therefore has nothing emotional to give to the other woman.  It may make her feel better to think he loves her.  But the fact that he keeps her a secret, gives her scraps of his time, and usually drops her the second his wife finds out is not very indicate of true love.

So yes, married men do sometimes tell the other woman that he loves her.  But certainly, not all of them mean it.  Many say it just to make things seem easier from a moral point of view. And they quickly back away from this view once they have been caught or once enough time passes so they can see their feelings a little more clearly.

Thankfully, my husband never declared any love for the other woman.  But we certainly had other issues to overcome.   You can read more about our struggles and how we overcame them on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  There is a perception that people who cheat want to brush their affair under the rug and pretend as if it never happened.  People assume that spouses who are unfaithful don’t truly appreciate the damage that they have caused.

This is true in some cases, but there are plenty of people who have been unfaithful who can think of little else besides the trouble that they have caused.  Some truly come to hate themselves and believe that they no longer deserve their spouse.

Someone might say: “I honestly loathe cheaters.  I have had men cheat on me for my whole entire life and I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would cheat on my husband.  I was traveling for business and my coworker and I went to a bar with a client.  The client was drinking heavily and I guess my coworker and I felt to compelled to do the same so that we wouldn’t offend our client.  We both had too much to drink and ended up sleeping together.  I was so upset by this I left the trip early and came right home and told my husband everything. Needless to say, my husband is horrified and furious at me.  But he can’t be any more angry at me than I am at myself. I have been staying at my mother’s and I have not bothered my husband because I assumed that he did not want to have anything to do with me, which would be understandable.  Last night, my husband called and asked me when I was coming home to talk about things.  I was shocked and I told him I assumed that he would not want to work things out.  He said at this point, he wasn’t sure how things were going to turn out, but he felt that it was bad enough that I cheated, but it’s even worst to lose his marriage so quickly without the chance to see what is going to happen.  He said that he is open to seeing if we can fix things.  I want that, but I honestly can’t in good faith go back there and act like I even deserve my husband because I do not.  I did something so horrible that I honestly think that what I deserve is to be alone. I believe my husband deserves to find someone who is going to be faithful – and someone better than me.  I don’t deserve him.”

The Decision Of Your Husband’s Path Should Be His: I understand why you are angry at yourself, but I think that the decision about what your husband wants to do next should really be up to him.  You may not think that you deserve him, but isn’t that for him to decide?  He’s not making you any promises and he’s not trying to dictate the future.  He’s just saying that he is open to seeing what happens if you’re willing to come home to talk.  If you are both willing, a lot of hard work will follow.  So it is not as if he is not going to ask anything of you or won’t have expectations.

I don’t think that this is a lot to ask and you are not going to know what will happen until you are willing to face him and see where your conversations take you.

Becoming The Person Who Is Deserving: Concerning your belief that you don’t deserve him, here’s my take (and this is only one person’s opinion.) You might feel like you deserved him a bit more if you would face up to what you did and work very hard to become the wife that he deserves. You may not feel like you are that person today. But with work, you could be.

Yes, you made a mistake.  But I don’t know many people who go through their entire marriage without making one.  Your mistake was a big one, which means that you’re making this right is going to require a big effort.  But if your husband is willing to give you that chance, do you really want to hurt him twice by not taking it?

I think that you would less deserving of him if you walk away without standing up to what you did and trying to make it right.  It may or may not work, but at least you would have tried.

Give Yourself Credit For The Good As Well As The Bad: The fact that you are more concerned about your husband’s well being than your own tells me A LOT about the type of person you are.  And it tells me that you truly love your husband and are deeply sorry for what you have done.  Your husband likely sees this also, which may be why he is willing to talk.  You may assume that someone else would be better for him, but you have no way of knowing who he would end up with if you are not willing to work things out with him.  You have no way to know if the new person will care about him as much as you do.

I do not mean to minimize the infidelity.  As someone who has had a spouse who cheated, I don’t diminish the pain and turmoil that this causes.  But I also know that marriages can recover.  My husband has become more than the husband I deserve.  He has proven himself to me over and over again and sometimes I think that I am the lucky one.  With work, your husband may feel the same way.  But only if you do the work and give him the chance.   You can read more about our struggles and triumphs after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from spouses who are or have been cheating but who know that this is wrong and must end. Some of them truly don’t want to end the affair, but they do so because they know that they can’t have a future with the other person. So, ending the affair is done very reluctantly or with a heavy heart.

Many of these folks are troubled that they had to end the affair abruptly and they wonder if they are going to have any closure. And they also wonder if they will ever hear from the other person again to satisfy their curiosity.

Someone might say: “I know that cheating on my husband was wrong. I know that my first priority right now needs to be my family. But I became very close to the other man. Quite honestly, the both of us sort of became dependent on one another emotionally. He was my confidant and I was his. Talking to him is so easy. I can tell him anything. I have also become very close to his mother, who is ill. Still, I know that I have to end the relationship in order to save my family and I have done just that. But here’s what I can’t help but wonder. Will the other man reach out to me in time so that I can know what has happened with him?  Will I find out what happened with his mother?  I know that we can’t be together, but the thought that I might never see him again is too much to bear. I almost told him to keep in touch when I broke it off, but I realized that this would be inappropriate. But that is what I want. So my question is will I hear from him now that the affair is over?”

I can’t possibly predict that. And, before I go any further with this, I have to tell you that I see things from the point of the faithful spouse because of my own experience. So, from that perspective, I can only guess as to how hurtful it would be to your husband (not to mention how damaging it would be to your marriage) to find out that you are still hoping to keep in touch with the other man before you have even addressed your marriage.

Not only is this inappropriate, it’s a betrayal on the heels of the original betrayal. And it might contribute to your husband thinking that you aren’t serious enough about him and your marriage to truly walk away from the affair relationship in a final manner.

Are people who have affairs tempted to maintain contact for reasons that they tell themselves are innocent? Yes, they do. But, you have to know that this is a serious risk to your marriage. And, if your spouse finds out, this is going to void the trust that you are likely going to have to work so hard to restore. Is it really worth that?

Often, when I have this conversation with people, they tell me that they can not help their feelings and they talk about real struggles. They explain that they can’t stop thinking about the other person. I always try to understand this. And I concede that you can’t control your feelings. You can’t control the thoughts that pop into your brain or the longings that remain in your heart. But you can most certainly control your actions. And if you do not act on your desire to reach out to the other man, I have a strong suspicion that in time, your feelings are going to fade. That’s just a normal part of the process.

I know that what you wanted to know is if you are going to hear from him. I can’t tell you that. I do know that some affair partners keep in touch and reach out. But when they do, it most always doesn’t work out well. If you can’t be together, then honestly, I do not see the point of just prolonging things and hurting every one even more. You are taking a risk. You might hurt your spouse. You are doing what you know is wrong. And there can’t be a payoff since you’ve recommitted to your marriage. And frankly, by keeping in touch, you just make it harder to let go.

I know it’s hard to struggle with this, but I think that the best thing that you can do is to turn your attention away from the other man and toward your husband and your family. Because the sooner you can heal that relationship and bond with your spouse again, the sooner you truly will not care if you hear from the other man again.

I know that it is hard to believe, but countless people have told me that once they healed their marriage, they realized just how mistaken they were about their feelings during the affair.  This was certainly my experience in my own situation.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: The majority of people who reach out to me are those who were faithful and who are dealing with a spouse’s infidelity. Occasionally though, someone who was unfaithful will reach out because they are looking for help in their recovery. They often want to make things right, but they are struggling with this.

Sometimes, they are unsure about how to express their remorse. Other times, everything seems to be somewhat OK on the outside, but on the inside, they are falling apart because they find themselves still thinking about the other person in the affair.  And this increases their feelings of guilt and is tearing them apart.

It may be described this way: “I had a three month affair while my husband was away when his mother was pretty much dying. We knew that the end was near, but we didn’t think it would take as long as it did. He wasn’t gone every day during that whole time, but he would come back and forth between two homes because he wanted to offer support to his father. I am very ashamed that I cheated on my husband during the time when he was doing the right thing. Trying to be involved in two households and still work was very difficult for him, but he did it because he is a good person. It sounds selfish to say that I was very needy during this time, but it is the truth. However, I did not feel like I could go to my husband because he was already dealing with so much. So I reached out to one of our neighbors and we ended up having an affair. When my husband found out, we ended up moving near my husband’s father. My husband found this convenient because we could help to emotionally support his dad. And by moving, my husband knew that I wouldn’t see the other man every day. I understand why my husband wanted to move. And I do want to save my marriage. I do understand that my husband is the better man. And I don’t want to put my children through a divorce. Deep down, I do still love my husband. But I can not stop thinking about the other man. He is in my thoughts all of the time. I get angry at myself and I try to push the thoughts away, but it really doesn’t do much good. One of my friends said that in time, I will forget this and it will all be behind me. I can’t imagine that, because these thoughts take up so much of my emotional space. I don’t want them to, but that is my reality. And it tears me up inside. I will think that my husband and I might be making some progress, but then I have these thoughts about the other guy.  This makes me feel more distant from my husband. Emotionally, this is extremely hard. When am I going to forget about the other man because these conflicting feelings and this guilt are tearing me apart?”

I am not sure if I can tell you that you’ll ever completely “forget” the other man. Things that were once important to us are rarely completely “forgotten,” but they certainly lose their power over us in time. For example, when I was a child, I used to have a neighborhood bully who tormented me at school and on the bus. She lived to make my life awful. When I was school-aged, thoughts of this person made up much of my thoughts. But today, I can honestly say that I haven’t thought about her in years.

Why? Because she is just not part of my life anymore. I haven’t thought of her in years because she no longer has any impact on my life today.  Now, if I visit the area where I used to live and I drive by her house, then yes, I remember. And I might have some uncomfortable thoughts that last for a few minutes. But this may happen a couple of times over the course of years.

Do you see what I mean? You will not forget the other person forever. It is unrealistic to think that you will suddenly have amnesia and won’t ever think of them again. But once you heal and recover, and once you allow time to do its work, it will get to the point that it takes some sort of trigger to bring your thoughts back to that memory. And with work and self knowledge, you can get to the point where the trigger is very rare.

Once your marriage heals and you do the self-work necessary to turn your attention elsewhere, then the other man isn’t central to your life anymore and you don’t have a reason to dwell on him. Right now, things are quite fresh and you are just starting the recovery process.

As you go further in your recovery, you should naturally be able to distance yourself from your thoughts and you will be much less likely to act on them. You should naturally place your attention on the other man less and less. Frankly, moving away should help you with this.

I often hear from people who tell me that they can not stop thinking of the other person because they never got “closure.” They tell me that once the affair was discovered, they had to shut the whole thing down at once. This may be true, but I think that the idea of “closure” is sort of a myth.

Anytime something is pivotal in your life and that thing goes away, there is an adjustment period. And that is true regardless of how it ended. You and the other man could have discussed this at length and said your goodbyes and yet you would probably still feel that void.

In my opinion and experience, the best way to move on is to place your focus where it belongs – on your healing and your marriage. I know that you can not control your thoughts. But you can redirect yourself when those thoughts occur. You can bring yourself back to the present without reacting to those thoughts.

As you do this over and over, you should find that you will naturally turn your attention to what is real and what is happening right now because you will not have any reason to turn your attention to the past.

I was not the one who cheated in my marriage, but there was a time when I had a hard time keeping my thoughts from going to the past and to the affair.  I had to train myself to turn my attention elsewhere.  It wasn’t always easy, but it made a huge difference.  Because when you think in the past, you live in the past.  And you can’t properly heal that way. There are more tips on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Our society tends to assume that any man who is cheating on his wife is doing so because he simply wants to have his sexual needs met by someone else. People often assume that physical attraction or mere sexual chemistry is the only thing that the husband and the “other woman” share.

But, if you’ve ever spoken with a man (or a woman for that matter) who is cheating on their spouse, you may be surprised to hear them discuss the relationship in emotional terms. They may say things like: “no one has ever understood me in the way that she does.” Or “she and I can just talk for hours and hours. Yes, the sex is great, but it’s not really about the sex. It’s about the connection that we share that goes far beyond the physical.”

And wives can be just as shocked when they have a husband who is claiming to have a deep emotional connection with someone else. A wife might explain: “I’ve seen the other woman and one glance tells me everything that I need to know. She dresses like a street walker. Her clothing could not be more tight or revealing. Her appearance tells every one who glances her way that a relationship with her would be about one thing – sex. And I honestly thought that this is what I was dealing with – a middle aged man who wanted to have sex with someone flashier or younger. That’s why I am absolutely shocked that my husband is now telling me that the two of them have this magical emotional connection. Honestly, I doubt that this woman has the emotional capacity of a dog or a young child. But my husband swears that they deeply understand and appreciate one another. He describes long conversations about deep topics. I am absolutely not buying it for an instant. I have never known my husband to be an emotional guy anyway. Is he just trying to divert my attention away from the sex? He has only known this woman for a very short time, so how is a deep emotional connection even possible? Is it possible for there to be an emotional connection with an affair or is it always physical?”

A Potential Theory On What Constitutes An Emotional Connection During An Affair: If you do any amount of research on this, you will see a lot of literature out by very respected therapists and experts who tell you that people often cheat for emotional rather than physical reasons. I did not always buy this either. But the experts seem to agree that it is true. And, over time, I have developed my own take on this. Take it for what it is worth because it is truly just a lay person’s opinion. By no means am I an expert.  I have just developed my own theories because of my experiences and research.

I do believe that people tend to cheat for emotional reasons as well as physical ones. But I think that people are just trying to get their emotional needs met rather than having any intention of clicking with someone emotionally. Experts also agree that people tend to cheat in times of personal crisis (and I firmly agree with this.) So, often the person who cheats finds themselves in a position where they are almost desperate to feel better emotionally. The affair then, is an attempt to heal these emotional wounds and to feel better about themselves.

But I honestly believe that the person who they seek this emotional journey with is often the person who was just available at the time. In other words, it could be anyone present who fits the bill.  It was coincidence and chance rather than magical emotional intervention. The person having the affair might try to make you believe that they have just happened to meet their soul mate. But isn’t it interesting that their soul mate appeared exactly when they were doubting themselves, wanting to run away from their problems, or wanting to booster their self esteem?

That’s an awfully big coincidence. And the wife is right. There often is not the time for a deep emotional connection. If you have been married for any length of time, you know that a deep emotional connection comes from facing life’s journeys together and growing together. This is not a process that happens overnight.

I think that another element is often at play here. People who are cheating have a tendency to try to make the affair this great relationship in order to justify its existence. Who wants to look in the mirror and admit that you are having intimate relations (and are risking what is important to you) with someone who just happened to be there and isn’t even anything all that special? No one wants to make that admission. So to be able to look in the mirror a little more easily, the affair will be “built up” to this wonderful love story to make it a little easier to justify.

I am not claiming that the people in the affair don’t truly believe that there is an emotional connection. They do believe this because it is necessary for them to do so. It makes things easier for them.

I think that while they are seeking emotional relief rather than any connection.   Frankly, an affair is not conducive to this wonderful, deep, emotional relationship. Any relationship that starts out with secrecy and lies has the cards stacked against it in terms of longevity and deep emotions.

So while I do believe that your husband may think that he’s telling you the truth about their alleged emotional connection, I think that he’s fooling himself a little. The good news is that often once the affair is over and some time has passed, he’ll be able to look at this a little more objectively and see the relationship for what it was – someone who was available at a time when he was struggling and not someone with whom he had any deep emotional relationship.

Much of the time, the husband will believe one thing when the affair is fresh and recently over and a completely different thing once some time has passed and things are more clear.  At least this was my experience of the same.  There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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