Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from the people who are having an affair but who are considering ending it. Many try very hard to find some redeeming factors about the affair. And, even when they are not trying to justify it or make excuses, many are looking to find something positive coming out of it. The hope is that it will end well and that every one will move on with their lives in a positive way.

Someone might ask: “I know that one day my affair must end. I would never leave my family. But the affair has been life changing for me. It has honestly enhanced my life for the better. It has changed the way that I look at life and my sense of adventure. I was talking about this with my best friend and she told me that I needed to be careful because affairs never end well. I know that most affairs don’t end well. But I don’t see why mine can’t be the exception. The other person and I care deeply for one another and have tons of mutual respect. So I don’t see why the day can’t come when we decide to part as friends, taking the best parts of the relationship with us. I don’t see why that’s not possible.”

I’m not going to tell you that it’s impossible for both people to mutually decide to end the affair at the same time with complete peace about it. I won’t tell you that the relationship can’t end amicably. However, it’s my opinion that this is the exception rather than the rule. Much of the time, one person wants to end the relationship a little more than the other. Or, the people have different expectations and views of the relationship.  Or, someone’s spouse finds out and the affair must be ended abruptly and with no closure.  And this causes hurt feelings and even anger.

And that is just talking about the affair relationship. I haven’t even gotten to the marriage yet. Of course, most people in this situation fantasize that their spouse will never find out about the affair relationship and they hope that they will leave the affair a better person and a better spouse. I won’t say that this is impossible. But it’s very rare. Most of the time, either your spouse finds out or the guilt gets to be so bad that you confess. Even when this doesn’t happen, you will be changed. Because you will know in your heart that you betrayed your spouse in the worst possible way. You will know that you let yourself and your spouse down.

Whether you want it to or not, this affects you in many aspects of your life. As you probably can tell, I don’t think it’s likely for most affairs to end well. This is true even if the end is amicable and even if your spouse either doesn’t find out or forgives you eventually.  There is just too much betrayal.  And too much pain or turmoil.

In short, it changes your marriage. It adds a huge, unfortunate challenge. It means that you have to work very hard to restore the trust and / or do a lot of self work to figure out why you may have betrayed your spouse in the first place. I realize that you can’t take back time. The affair has already happened. You can’t change that reality. Even if you accept that things may not end well, you can’t make it so that all of this never happened.

But here is what you can do. You can vow to not prolong this any longer. Because if you are clear that you are not going to break up your family, then what is the point with continuing on with the affair? Once it’s over, the next course of action is to begin to heal and to restore. This isn’t likely to be easy. There is often a huge mess to clean up. But if your spouse is important to you and your family is your first priority, then you take responsibility for this and you do what needs to be done.

In my opinion, this is the best that you can do in order to ensure that the affair ends as well as it possibly can. Sometimes, the affair does shine a light on your vulnerabilities and the places where you need to work on yourself. So long as you follow through and you do the work, then this can benefit you and it’s always nice when the affair didn’t just leave destruction in its wake, but at least gave you some valuable lessons and tools.

But make no mistake. It’s better if the affair never happened at all. But since it did, you’re simply making the best of things. I believe that it’s unrealistic to think that an affair is most likely going to end well or have some much benefit so that the whole thing was worth the pain that someone else and yourself is going to feel. I am admittedly biased but that is my honest take on this topic.

I was the faithful spouse in my own situation, so of course I see things from that perspective.  But although my marriage did heal and there were some beneficial things that we learned, I still would give anything if the affair had never happened.  And I would never tell you that it ended well.   You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Do Affairs Ever End Well?

By: Katie Lersch: There is a conception that married men cheat more often than married women. But, the statistics do not bear this out. Women cheat just as often as men. But in my opinion, men are better able to rationalize their affair than are women. Wives who cheat tend to confess more (at least in my experience) because the guilt overcomes them. Women are more likely to accept responsibility and blame because justifying and rationalizing their behavior is more difficult for their mind set. And that’s why I hear from a lot of wives who don’t understand how their husband can rationalize his cheating behavior.

I might hear from a wife who says: “I recently found out that my husband has been having an affair. I am completely shocked by this because we have a good marriage and my husband admits this. He admits that he really didn’t have a legitimate reason for the affair. I don’t understand this. My best friend’s husband cheated on her about six months ago. My friend is the best wife imaginable. She worked to put her husband through graduate school. She is loyal, playful, and beautiful. I don’t get why men can cheat on wonderful wives and families. Of course, as soon as they are caught, they start begging these wives not to leave them. But the damage is done. What are they thinking? How can they possibly justify their stupid behavior to themselves?”

I will do my best to answer this question in a way that makes sense. But, it’s hard for women to understand this because our mind often doesn’t work in the same way. When my husband cheated and gave me his litany of excuses, he sounded so sincere as if he believed every single thing that he was saying. Still, none of it made sense to me because I would never think (or act) in the same way.

With this said, I hear from a lot of men who have affairs (and wish that they hadn’t) and I do have some theories as to how they attempt to justify or rationalize it. I will share some of them below.

He May Be Happy In His Marriage, But Think That Nothing Will Change Because No One Will Know: It’s actually very common for men who claim that they were happily married to cheat despite this. This tends to surprise people but it is true. Often, married men cheat for a couple of reasons. They are trying to work through some issue or insecurity within themselves. Or, they are just faced with the opportunity, they act very impulsively, and they think that no one is going to have to find out. They figure that this can’t hurt you if you don’t know. They don’t count on the fact that these things have a way of coming out.

They May Feel That They Are Actually Helping Your Marriage: Many men don’t want to admit to being even a little bit dissatisfied in a very good marriage with a very good wife. They often are well aware that they have a lot to be grateful for, so they hate to admit (even to themselves) that they wish things were a little different in whatever way. So they cheat in an attempt to avoid complaining. They figure they will take care of their needs in a way that isn’t going to hurt you or sound like unfounded criticism in a situation where no reasonable person could expect any more.

They May Take One Little Flaw Or Slight And Blow It Up: Often you both know that you haven’t done anything heinous enough to justify him cheating on you. And this is why he will sometimes take tiny little flaws and magnify them. He may not even realize that he is doing this. But, he is doing this because he needs justification for his actions.

For example, let’s say that there is one day when he wants to spend time with you but your child needs your help with homework or your attendance at a school event. Understandably, you figure that your husband is an adult and can survive without you for a couple of hours while you tend to your child’s needs. Your husband can and should accept this. But he might take this one tiny event and blow it up so that he’s thinking “I’m not the most important person to my wife.” Or “my wife doesn’t make the time for me.”

At that point, he’s more susceptible to cheat. And when he does, he might suddenly look for times and occasions when he can say that you didn’t prioritize him enough. This isn’t fair and it also isn’t accurate. But it is one of many ways that men will attempt to justify their actions.

They Will Sometimes Just Turn Off Their Conscience: This is something that women don’t understand because it is very difficult for us to do this. Sometimes, a man can just turn off his guilty conscience at the time that he is cheating. He does this so that he is able to proceed. That’s not to say that the guilt doesn’t catch up to him eventually. But, in my opinion and experience, men are more easily able to turn off their objections so that they can carry out the cheating. A woman is more likely to stop just short of cheating because she’s fully aware of her mistakes at the time. A man is more likely to fully realize his mistake later – once the cheating has already taken place.

None of these things are valid excuses. And I’m not bringing them up because I am trying to excuse what he did. I just want to make you aware of how cheating husbands think sometimes. That’s not to say he doesn’t see how he was wrong now and he is not sorry. But it’s common for men to put aside their common sense at the time and then regret it later.

I understand that none of this makes it easier.  But it might help you to see what you are up against so that you can formulate to plan to help him realize that his thinking was incredibly flawed and can not be repeated. You’re welcome to read more about my own struggles before I healed on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Do Men Rationalize Or Justify Their Affairs? What Are They Thinking?

By: Katie Lerch: It’s very normal to struggle to get your bearings after your spouse’s affair. Even if you are normally someone who can roll with the punches and handle challenges quite well, you may suddenly be surprised to find yourself in a place where you’re struggling to function like you normally would.

Some women find this embarrassing and so they try to hide this from those around them, pretending that they are fine when deep down, they know that they are anything but fine. Others will take the complete opposite strategy, wanting to put their struggles on full display, especially for their husbands (because everyone knows that all of this is completely his fault.)

You might hear a wife say: “I am so resentful at my husband because of his affair. I am normally a high-energy, bubbly person who likes to burst out of bed smiling so that I can start getting things done. My husband’s affair changed all of that. Now, some days, I don’t even want to get out of bed. I force myself to get to work and be productive but sometimes, on weekends, I don’t even change out of my pajamas. Everything seems like so much of an effort. Last weekend, my mother came over and saw the state I was in and she said that she was worried about me. She said that it’s not flattering to me to be walking around in unwashed sweats. She said that my husband is going to respect me less when he sees me like this. The thing is, I don’t care. I walk around with my sorry self on full display. Because I want him to see this. I want him to take a very good look and see it all. Because he is the one who did this. I want him to look at me and see what he has done. Does this make any sense? It’s almost like I don’t want to move forward because I want him to have to keep taking a good look at the destruction that his affair has caused.”

Actually, this makes perfect sense to me. I understand it. You want for him to have to face up to his mistake. And one way to do that – so that he can’t possibly deny it – is to make him stare right into your face which displays your disappointment, your struggles, and your hurt. I think that every woman who has ever been cheated on feels this to an extent.

But you have to keep this in perspective. Because you don’t want to cross that line where you reach the point where you are hurting yourself instead of him. And if you are reluctant to move on because of this, then I’d say you’re potentially at that place.

The thing is, he knows the destruction he has caused. He’s already seen it. So continuing on in this way isn’t making your point any more clear. It is only getting you in a very destructive rut that it only going to become harder and harder to get out of as you create this destructive cycle over and over again.

Not only that, but by displaying yourself in this way, you are almost encouraging yourself and your husband to slightly lose respect for you. Instead of this, you want to project that you are a worthwhile person who most certainly didn’t deserve this, but who respects herself enough to dust herself off and pick herself up.

Now, you may be at a point where moving forward seems impossible or hard.  There is no shame in seeing a professional to help you evaluate where you are and to offer suggestions as to what might help you.  It’s simply you getting help when you need it – the same as you would seek a doctor’s treatment when you got the flu.

I’d also advocate leaning on close family and friends. This made a huge difference for me because I instructed friends to insist that I join them so that I would be forced to get out of the house.  Note though, that you only want to include people who will unconditionally support you without judgement or lectures.

I do understand your wanting to show you husband what he did to you. But, beyond the initial impact, I don’t see any reason to continue on in this way. This is just hurting you and ensuring that you remain stuck at a time when it would really be advantageous to let the healing begin.

Healing doesn’t mean that your husband hasn’t hurt you or that he’s off the hook. It doesn’t negate the damage. Instead, it offers you some relief so that the pain doesn’t continue on forever. Because you don’t deserve that. You’re punishing your husband at the expense of yourself.  He already knows that he has hurt you. So why continue the cycle of pain?

I hope this has helped some.  I know that this is hard.  But there’s no benefit in remaining stuck and there’s lots to gain by feeling better and moving on.  You can read more about my own process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Want To Show My Husband What Type Of Destruction His Affair Caused

By: Katie Lersch: There is a perception from folks who had never had to deal with marital infidelity that people who cheat or have affairs aren’t really all that sorry (except for when they have been caught) and don’t really learn the moral lesson that they should learn.

Although I used to have a lot of similar preconceived notions towards people who have cheated, I’ve come to realize that my opinions on this weren’t completely accurate.

From the correspondence that I get, I have come to believe that many people are deeply and desperately sorry about their cheating or their affair. And many of them do come to understand very deep truths about themselves or about their marriages.  Unfortunately, many come to deeply value their marriages only when they realize they have put them at risk. This is the great irony and heartbreak of the whole thing.

For example, I might hear from a wife who said: “I am so ashamed and sad to admit this, but I never appreciated my husband as much as I should have. He grew up right down the street from me. I have known him for my entire life. For the longest time, I just saw him as the boy with the freckles who was a great pitcher when we would play baseball. I didn’t give him a second glance.  And we were friends for many years before anything romantic happened between us. Even as my friend, I could always count on him. When he became my boyfriend and later my husband, he was always steady, dependable, and supportive. He never let me down. But at the time, I was very stupid. I mistook his steadiness for being boring. I got tired of him being ‘too nice.’ And so I started flirting with this man at my job. I told myself that this flirting was harmless and only gave me an outlet so that my marriage would be a little happier. This may have worked, except for the other man wasn’t happy to just accept harmless flirting. He wanted more. And when I didn’t automatically give him more, he started pursuing me. I resisted at first, but eventually, I gave in because I just couldn’t resist. I told myself the affair would be very short and then I would break it off. But the other man became so needy that every time I would try to break it off, he would do something to make me stay. In the middle of this, my mother became ill and had to be hospitalized. My job doesn’t offer a lot of flexibility. So I could not be at the hospital as much as I liked. But my husband could be. And he was. The other man actually came to the hospital when my husband was there and that is how my husband found out about the affair. Even after my husband knew everything, he still went to the hospital to be with my mom saying: ‘my respect and love for your mother has not changed. I’ve known her all my life and I won’t abandon her because of something that isn’t her fault.’ That is when I realized how stupid I am. My husband is the highest quality person I have ever known. I had the best husband in the world and I have potentially ruined it. A couple of times, I have gotten up my courage and I’ve asked my husband if he is going to leave me and all he will say is that we have too much going on right now to make any decisions. Yet, he remains respectful to me. I am so mad at myself and so sad at potentially losing the best thing that has ever happened to me. How could I have been so stupid? What can I do now?”

Your situation perfectly demonstrates the great irony that so many of us have lived through. Many of us truly do not know what we have until it is either gone or at great risk of being lost.

You can not change what has happened. You have to take responsibility for it and then make it your primary goal in life to make things right again. You’re lucky that your husband is still around and committed to not making any sudden decisions. (Many spouses leave rather quickly.) This may give you an advantage, but it’s very important that you don’t take advantage of your husband in any way.

You now realize what a wonderful person and gift he is, so treat him exactly like that. There is nothing wrong with sharing your realizations with him, but understand that he may doubt what you are saying. I was the faithful spouse in my own marriage and when my husband said things like: “I took you for granted. I realize now that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” I scoffed at him.  I heard his words, but all I could think were things like: “well you weren’t thinking about how great I was when you were sleeping with someone else.”

If you truly want your spouse back, you must be patient and understanding when they struggle or feel angry. Honestly, you must vow to stick it out, even when they are cold or even insulting. You must realize that they are worth the wait.

My husband did stick it out. I said and did some pretty awful things because I was so angry that he cheated. He refused to give up, though. Eventually, I realized that no one would stick around like he did if he did not truly love me and think that I was worth the effort. And that made the difference for me. Perhaps it will make the difference for your husband too. My husband told me that if I gave him another chance then I would never regret it. And I never have.

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Affair Made Me Realize What I Had. And Now I’m Afraid To Lose It

By: Katie Lersch: If you are a wife who is struggling to find her way after her husband has cheated on her, I feel that you and I are somewhat kindred spirits.  I feel pretty certain that I have some understanding of how you feel and I’d be pretty comfortable guessing that one of your biggest wishes right now is to just to feel somewhat normal in your day-to-day life and in your marriage.

You want to look at your husband and feel confident in his feelings for you and in his commitment to you.  But this can be very difficult if he is not acting in the way that he used to act.  I can tell you with full confidence that in the weeks and even in the months following a husband’s affair, we wives watch our husbands extremely closely.  We analyze everything he says, everything he does, and even those things that he doesn’t do or doesn’t say.

So when we notice a change in his showing of affection toward us, we worry. And we desperately want to know if this is normal and what it could all mean. A wife might have a concern about her husband’s affection level.  She might say: “my husband has ended his affair.  I know this for sure and I do not have any doubts about this.  He is doing most everything that I ask of him. But the affection is just not there.  He always used to stroke my face, rub my hair, and hug me.  This wasn’t planned or asked for.  He just did it because he seemed to want to express his feelings for me and I always loved that about our marriage.  We were always very demonstrative with our affection – always touching.  I always felt that by doing this, we were staying close and giving our kids a good example of how to share feelings for those you love.  Unfortunately, my husband never does these things anymore. There is no more touching. And if there is, I am the one doing it.  Often, I will reach out and grab my husband’s hand in the hopes that he will follow my lead and show more affection.  He does not.  I have mentioned this to him.  I have told him that his lack of affection for me makes me think that he is not attracted to me or doesn’t want to be close to me.  He says that neither of these things are true.  He says that he is often reluctant to show me affection because he fears rejection.  But I think that there is more to it than this.  I think it says something about his attraction and commitment.  Is what I am seeing normal?”

In my experience, it is.  And honestly, what your husband has told you – that he fears rejection – is extremely common too, and may be one hundred percent valid.  From what I’ve experienced and seen in other marriages, in the weeks and months following the affair, the spouses can almost be circling one another, afraid to act, watching and waiting for the other person to take the lead.  This can be especially true of the cheating spouse. My husband and I circled one another like vultures, quite frankly.

The Doubts Your Husband Might Have:  Husband express the following when they write to me.  A husband may say that he often doesn’t know how you really feel about him and how receptive you truly are.  If he tries to initiate affection, are you going to be angry? Defensive?  Are you going to think that he is genuine or will you think that he is only trying to get back into your good graces?  Are you going to reject him so that things are incredibly awkward between you?  Or you going to reject him to get back at him?

One very common thing that happens for both people is that they wonder (and they worry) about what the other person is feeling.  They assume that there is anger. They worry that there might not be any love. And they worry that they are the only one who is having these troubling thoughts.

Quite honestly, your spouse often has the exact same worries that you do.  Neither of you wants to feel as if you are the only one who cares and that you are the only one who feels affection.  So understandably, you hold back.  Much of the time, both people are waiting for the other one to be the initiator.  And when this doesn’t happen, people can assume that their spouse is not feeling love or affection when this isn’t true.

What Happens Next? Well, you can have patience and you can promise yourself that you are not going to just assume things.  You can continue to show affection to your spouse and you can be receptive when he shows you affection, so that over time he feels more safe doing so.

And you can try to accept the fact that there is bound to be some awkwardness in this process.  Until time has passed and work has been done, neither person knows where they stand, both people feel fear, and both people can hold back on their feelings and on their affection until it feels a little more safe to do so.

This feeling of safety often comes with time and it happens more frequently as you make progress in your healing.  It often doesn’t make a lot of sense to put more pressure on your spouse about it, as this can make the awkwardness worse and mean that you get less affection instead of more of it.

During my own recovery, I was constantly worrying that my husband didn’t really still want me.  Neither of us were very affectionate.  And most of that was because of fear.  In time though, we got through this.  Today, we are both very affectionate. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on We’re Trying To Work Things Out After My Husband’s Affair, But He Is Not Affectionate. Is This Normal?

By: Katie Lersch: Many people believe that an emotional affair is not as damaging as a physical one. But, wives who have dealt with husbands who have cheated emotionally might stage a good argument that this is not the case. In fact, a very common excuse that a man who has been physically cheating on his wife will give you is: “it was only the sex. It didn’t mean anything to me.” Men say this because they know that an emotional connection with someone else can hurt a wife more than a physical connection. That is why many wives whose husbands are cheating emotionally don’t take this lightly. They know that they are dealing with a serious problem. But they can also worry that this will eventually lead to a physical affair.

A wife might say: “I knew that something was wrong with my husband. We used to put our children to bed and then talk for hours about our future, about current events, and then we would just spend some quiet time together. This was the favorite part of my day. Well, this stopped about two months ago. And that was about the same time that my husband started staying late for work and taking work-related phone calls. So I assumed that he was likely cheating. And I was right, but not in the way that I thought. He finally admitted that he had ‘become close’ with a woman at work. He admits that they have been talking on the phone and texting. He admits that she has had problems at work – about which she has confided in him. He admits that they have inside jokes and nicknames for one another. I told him that this sounds like an emotional affair and he didn’t deny it.  Later, he eventually said that I was right. However, he stressed that he deeply regrets what he has done. Because he knows that their relationship is inappropriate and can not go any further. And now he says that it is going to be very awkward at work. He keeps saying that he doesn’t want to lose our marriage. But every time that he is home late for even a very valid reason, I panic. Because I think that the affair is still going on and now is physical instead of just emotional. One of our mutual friends says that I am reading too much into it. She says that he didn’t technically cheat and because he has regret, he won’t cross the line. Is she right? Do men who regret an emotional affair stop with that so that the affair doesn’t turn physical?”

Why Regret Isn’t Always Enough: I wish that I could give you an enthusiastic yes here. I wish I could tell you that a man who regrets an emotional affair will never have a physical one. I really wish that I could tell you all of these things. But I can’t. Some men do end things and don’t ever cross the line. And some men just can’t help themselves. Even if they didn’t mean for the physical affair to happen, it does.

I often have men tell me things like: “I had no intention of crossing that line and cheating. But in the moment, I just wasn’t thinking. Time almost stood still and before I knew it, I was cheating on my wife. I honestly don’t know what came over me.”

What Is Necessary On Top Of Regret: Although regret is encouraging, it isn’t always enough. What you need in addition to regret is commitment and safeguards. Because the thing is, a man can have remorse. He can regret his actions thus far. But, when he gets in the vicinity of the other woman, circumstances might present themselves that make it very difficult for him to resist and so he doesn’t. And then he’s in a situation where he never intended to cheat but he has.

I know that this is a tough situation because people can’t always leave their jobs. But I think it’s important that he avoids her to the extent that he can. And in the instances that he can not avoid her, he must approach her in a very different way. Instead of being friendly, his demeanor should be respectful but off limits.

Regret helps with this. But commitment is needed also. And people often overestimate themselves. They will tell themselves that they can withstand the temptation, but it only takes an instant when they can’t to lead to physical cheating. That’s why it’s vital that he understands that he must do everything in his power to be in her presence as little as possible. If he does have to be in her presence for work, then he should make sure that other people are around.

And it goes without saying that he should no longer see her, talk to her, or interact in anyway outside of work or on a professional basis. Because this is what will keep the affair from turning physical. If the opportunity never presents itself, then neither one of them can act on it.

So yes, you do want to see regret.  But in my experience and opinion, it isn’t always enough.  You have to change the level of commitment and the level of opportunity.  You can read more about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Spouse Regrets His Emotional Affair. Does This Mean That It Won’t Turn Into A Physical Affair?

By: Katie Lersch:  From the correspondence that I get, I find that there is a perception that a man who is cheating on his wife will stop having sex with her.  I sometimes get letters from “the other woman” asking me if she should believe a husband who claims that he isn’t being intimate with his wife anymore.  I’m not sure why, but this is often very important to her.  She might say: “the guy that I have been seeing has told me that he didn’t sleep with his wife for six months before he met me and that he hasn’t been sleeping with her since we got together.  They have kids, which is the only reason he stays.  However, I have a friend who is also friends with his wife.  And she says that she would not be surprised if they are still having sex because they both act normally and somewhat affectionately when they are together.  She said she just saw them holding hands walking around the neighborhood. Could he by lying to me?”

Along that same line of thinking, a wife might suspect her husband of cheating but ultimately may decide that he probably is not because their sex life is still active and still pretty good.  She might assume that because the husband is getting good and frequent sex at home, then she has nothing to worry about in the infidelity department.  She might say: “my husband has been away from home much more than usual lately.  He works late.  He goes out.  He takes more phone calls than usual and takes them where I can’t hear what he is saying. I would suspect him of cheating except for the fact that we are still having some pretty good sex.”

From my observation and experience, these assumptions are not always correct.  Many men who have affairs do continue to have sex with their wives without anything changing or seeming to be amiss.  In fact, sometimes the sex is more frequent or even better while he is having the affair.  He can do this as to not arouse suspicion or he can do it because he is still invested in his marriage and still very attracted to his wife.

In fact, it’s my opinion that most men never did have any intention of leaving their wife and still do not while the affair is active.  So for them, nothing is going to change. And because of this, there’s no reason to stop having sex.  Sure, they very convincingly tell the other woman that they want to or are going to leave.  They will tell her that they are married in name only and that they haven’t been intimate in years.  They tell her these things even when they are not true because they want to make it easier for her to cheat.  They don’t want for her to identify with the wife or to realize that she’s in a relationship with no real future.

Frankly, it is not fair to the other woman.  It is lies that are being told to her.  But this scenario is very common and many “other women” eventually put two and two together and realize that they are being lied to.  And many wives eventually find evidence of the cheating and have to face reality even when their sex life still appears to be active and wonderful.

So the answer to the question is that yes, man very often continue having meaningful and good sex with their spouses while they are actively having an affair.  It is wrong.  And it confuses matters.  And often, the wife and the other woman do not understand this because women are less likely to be able to comprehend how you can be having sex with two people.

I really don’t have a definitive answer about this because I could not carry this out either.  When I love someone, I could never be unfaithful.  But obviously, as a woman, I do not think and act like a man.  From the correspondence that I get, it seems pretty clear, at least to me, that men are much better at being about to separate the two relationships and compartmentalize their feelings and their thoughts.  If I were the one having an affair, I would be so crippled by conflict and guilt, but some men are able to juggle it pretty convincingly.

Again, this is only my opinion, but if I were dating a married man and he told me he wasn’t having sex with his wife, I would have serious doubts about this.  From my observation, most of the time, this just is not true.  Two people under one roof and in one bed with a shared commitment are most likely having sex.  Many men tell the other woman they sleep on the couch or spare bedroom.  This often isn’t true, either.

And many wives want to believe that as long as she’s having sex with him, then he doesn’t need to seek it elsewhere.  The truth is, he is getting a different pay off from this than just sex.  He is often using the affair as a way to feel better about himself.  Sex often has much less to do with it than people think.

My husband and I were separated by distance when he had has affair because of work obligations. However, our relationship at that time was good and active.  He cheated for different reasons. I outline some of those reasons on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Do Married Men Have Sex With Their Wives While Having An Affair. If So, How Do They Pull This Off?

By: Katie Lersch: Once you begin to open yourself up to saving your marriage after an affair, you want reassurance that you are not going to leave yourself vulnerable for no good reason.  You want to know that there is a good chance that this risk to your heart is all going to be worth it in the end because your spouse is going to work hard to ensure that you’re not going to be hurt again.  You want some assurance that your marriage will emerge even better so that your risk and hard work was justified.

In order to have these beliefs, it helps when you have a spouse who is firmly on board and who is every bit as committed to your marriage as you are. When this doesn’t appear to happen, it can leave you wondering if the risk is worth it.

A wife might be in this type of situation: “the day after I found out my husband was cheating on me, he came to my work and would not leave until I agreed to give him five minutes of my time. I didn’t even want to talk to him, but I was embarrassed that he was at my job, so I just wanted to get him out of there.  So we went the coffee shop down the street and I gave him precisely five minutes.  He went on and on about how he could not live without me and how much he was praying that I would not leave or divorce him.  I took several weeks to make up my mind, but I finally decided that I wasn’t going to let this marriage go without a fight. So I told him that I would commit to trying to make it work. I thought that was what he wanted because he represented the same to me.  Well, things have not gone so smoothly. Although I want it to work, it is difficult.  There are days when I am very angry.  Yesterday was one of those days.  My husband and I got into an argument and I told him that I wasn’t sure why he was acting this way when he was the one begging me not to leave him or to end the marriage.  I told him that commitment to the marriage means not complaining when things get rough. He told me that he’s now not sure about the marriage.  He would rather take a ‘wait and see’ approach now.  He said if things improve, then maybe our marriage was meant to be.  If not, then maybe we should just go our separate ways.  I am appalled by this and I feel like he mislead me.  He acted like he was committed, but then when I committed also and it wasn’t smooth sailing, he started balking. I feel like there is no way to work things out now with him just sitting back and watching.”

I understand your frustration.  You’re worried that he’s not going to put in any effort. And, without this effort, things may never work.  I am certainly no expert, but it looks like you have a couple of things which must be overcome in order to get back on track.  First, it may help if your attempt at recovery has more of a forward direction.  And I don’t mean that you can never get angry or that you have to pretend that you’re healing when you’re not.  I mean that often, when we try to fix our marriage after an affair, we do the best we can, but we aren’t experts and so we just sort of wander and we have good days and bad days. But we don’t really make any progress because there is truly no plan.  We don’t know how to move ourselves forward, so both people get discouraged.

The second obstacle is that your husband is now balking at giving you a firm commitment to a certain period of time.  I have a suggestion which might help you overcome both obstacles.  And that would be to try to get your husband to commit to a set time of counseling.  Please hear me out.  I know that counseling does not seem great to many people, but if you can get your husband to agree to say, a handful of sessions, that will at least buy you some time where you know that you will have his attention and his cooperation.  And by seeking a professional’s guidance, you have a much greater chance of moving forward and being productive in your recovery.

When people see progress, then they are much more likely to be willing to stay and to commit.  This strategy gives you a much higher likelihood of his repeated and enthusiastic cooperation, which gives you a much higher likelihood of success.

I know that a lot of people are reluctant or unable to get counseling, but if this is the case, there are self help resources out there that can at least help you to see some progress in a logical way so that you aren’t just sort of staying stagnant and not moving forward.  I actually had a good results from some carefully chosen self help. There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Spouse Won’t Completely Commit To Our Marriage After His Affair. He Just Wants To Observe What Happens

By: Katie Lersch:  One of the most common problems that crops up after a spouse has been caught cheating is that of sex.  There are many issues that surround this.  Often, both people have a hard time resuming their sex life.  The faithful spouse may be so turned off by the thought of it and the cheating spouse may feel guilty.  Or, one spouse may want to have sex as a way to reaffirm their bond and commitment while the other spouse is not anywhere near ready to do this.  Another conflict is one spouse wanting to have sex much more frequently than the other.

A wife might explain: “after I caught my husband cheating, I frankly would have been happy never to have sex with him again.  Now that I have calmed down a little, I concede that I’m going to have sex with him again, but I am certainly not in any hurry to be doing it all of the time. But my husband is.  I don’t know if having sex much more often because of his cheating increased his sexual appetite or if he just wants me more as a way of making himself believe I’m not going to leave him.  Either way, I’m just not interested.  We’ve had sex a couple of times and it has not been that great. I always feel very confused during it.  I want to enjoy it, but it’s nearly impossible because of course I think about the affair.  And I also don’t want for my husband to think that just because I’m having sex with him that everything is OK between us. It most certainly is not.  I can’t even give my husband a hug without worrying that he’s going to take it the wrong way and try to make the moves on me. The more he wants to have sex with me, the more I don’t want to have it with him. But I worry that if I refuse him, he will go and get it from somewhere else.  I do not know if there is a compromise here, but I feel that I have the right to say no if I just don’t want it right now.”

I agree that you absolutely have the right.  This issue is very common.  Admittedly, I am biased.  Because I was in the same situation.  But I believe that the faithful spouse has every right to set the sexual pace.  If you rush sex, then I don’t think it’s a great thing for anyone.  You aren’t being true to yourself and you are pretending to feel something that you don’t. Plus, you will likely be sending mixed signals to your spouse and this can be very confusing to both of you.  He may not want more sex with you as form of manipulation or control.  He may want to use sex as reassurance that you still love and want him.  Or he may see it as reassurance that everything is eventually going to be OK.  Many people who have cheated on their spouse see sex as way to feel accepted by their spouse again.  So, for him the sex may mean a lot more than the physical act of sex.  In that way, you have something in common.  But if you are not ready, then that is your right.  You may want to try to explain this so that he doesn’t take it in the wrong way.

This is just a suggestion.  Use your own words and express your own feelings: “I’m glad that you still want me sexually, but I am just not ready to rush into our regular sex life.  I think we have a lot of healing to do first.  To me, sex is more than just the physical act and I can’t freely give it right now. I am not saying that I never want to have sex with you.  I do.  But I need to be able to set a slower pace. I am not doing this to punish you. I am doing this to be true to myself and because I want our sex life to be meaningful. I believe it can get back to that place with work, but we have a lot to do in order to get there.  And I promise that you won’t have to guess.  I’ll let you know when I’m ready.”

It goes with out saying that most men are not going to be completely excited about getting less sex.  But, he should realize that his affair is the reason for this.  If he had not had the affair, then reevaluating your sex life would not be necessary.  And frankly, it is much better to go at a slower pace that is comfortable for you than to force yourself and then have a bad experience.

Sex after an affair is very fragile and when you have bad sex, it can make both you and your spouse wonder if that means your marriage is doomed.  In my opinion, it is better to wait until you can have sincere and good sex than to move too quickly.  At least that was my experience.  I waited until I was pretty desperate to start having sex with my husband again because I didn’t want it to be forced or insincere.  You can read more about this gradual process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Spouse Wants More Sex Since I Caught Him Cheating. I Don’t Want To Give Him Any Sex At All

By: Katie Lersch:  Occasionally, I hear from women who are being judged for their reaction to their husband’s cheating.  Many wives don’t really want to be around their husband immediately after the cheating is discovered, so they ask him to leave for a while.

Of course, when this news gets out, there are people who will have something to say about this or have an opinion on it. And this can cause the wife to second guess her decision or to wonder if she acted hastily or harshly.

She might ask: “should I feel guilty for kicking my cheating husband out?  I found indisputable evidence of him cheating.  I stewed for a little while after this and then tried to determine what I wanted to do.  I considered calling him at work and confronting him, but I could not bring myself to do this. Then, I realized that he would be coming home at any time. I still did not want to face him so I put his clothing in garbage bags and I left a note attached to the garage door.  I told him that I did not want him to step foot in our house for a while.  I was surprised that he read the note and then left.  He did not try to change my mind.  But he went straight to his mother’s.  And he told her everything.  She called me and I did not pick up.  But she left a message saying that I should be ashamed of myself for kicking my children’s father out of their own home.  She said I should have handled this like an adult and not a child. I asked some friends about this. Although a couple of them said that I had nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of, some of them said that I should have heard what my husband had to say before I made a quick decision to kick him out. Who is right? Should a wife feel guilty when she kicks her cheating husband out?”

Anything that I say (or write in this case) is only going to be my opinion.  And as you have seen from the response that you’ve gotten, everyone seems to have an opinion when you are going through a situation like this.  But I would argue that only a few people’s opinion truly matters.  Your opinion matters most of all. And your therapist’s opinion should also matter.  But beyond that, I’m not sure that you should care too much about what other people think.

You are not the one who cheated.  Your husband made the decision to cheat.  And this, through no fault of your own, left you with a decision to make about your marriage.  Probably, you were motivated by anger and shock when you wrote that letter.  But I am not sure that anyone could blame you for its contents.

My opinion on this is that it is your right to decide what you want and do not want moving forward.  It is your marriage after all and you have to live with the consequences. I do believe that if there are children involved, you don’t necessarily have the right to negatively affect a child’s relationship with his or her father.  The relationship between your children and their father is not your relationship.

I always felt that it was in my children’s best interest to encourage a healthy relationship with their father, regardless of what was happening with our marriage.  This is why I always kept our marital issues completely separate from his relationship with his children.  I was always clear on the fact that my husband was a great father.

There was a short period of time where I asked my husband for some time and space.  However, I had an open door policy as far as our children were concerned.  I did not feel guilty that I needed space from him.  I did not feel guilty that he temporarily stayed somewhere else.  I would have felt guilty if I’d keep his children from him, but this was not the case.

It is probably obvious by now that I believe that you have the right to make your choices without guilt, as long as the decisions that you make concern your marriage and not his relationship with other family members.

I also know that often as anger fades, you will sometimes reevaluate these decisions.  At the time my husband and I were taking a break, I never thought that I might one day revisit my marriage and be open to trying to salvage things, but that is what I did.

In the beginning though, I did not want to be around my husband and I needed time to process the events that were happening.  He understood this, although I am sure that some of his friends did not think all that highly of me at the time.  So what, though?  It is not anyone’s business but the people directly involved in the marriage. My husband understood that his decision to cheat was the reason for my decisions and actions.  If he had never cheated, then nothing would have changed.

But because he did, then he had to deal with what I decided.  So no, I don’t think you should feel guilty, although I do advocate trying to navigate this as carefully and sensibly as you can, especially where the kids are concerned.  Of course, this is just one person’s opinion.  I’m not an expert. I base my opinion on my own experience.  You can read more about this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Should I Feel Guilty For Kicking My Husband Out After He Cheated?