Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  Many people assume that a wife who catches her husband cheating is not going to have any reservations whatsoever about kicking him out of the house and beginning her life without him in it.  Although I absolutely understand any wife who wants to do this, this course of action is not universal.

Some wives want to save the marriage almost immediately.  Some have husbands who leave the home and who are trying to get him to come back.  For whatever reason, these wives are looking at a bigger picture.  They know that they eventually want to fix things and maintain their marriage or their family.  Many don’t even hesitate with their decision.

But, regardless of this commitment to their family, many of these wives want for their husbands to show true remorse and to be genuinely sorry.  However, this does not always happen.  And when it does not, the wife can question her long term plan of maintaining her marriage.  She may explain a situation like this one: “as difficult as it is for me to believe now, I never considered leaving my husband, even after I found out that he had been cheating on me.  This was true even after he moved out of our home to be with her.  I always felt that I wanted to stay together, mostly because our kids, but also because deep down, I still love my husband.  When he first moved out, I just let him be for a while. I was angry and I knew that he thought he had made the right decision.  So I didn’t see any benefit of chasing him.  After a while, he would ask to speak to me after he was finished talking to our children.  After this, we started talking regularly.  Which eventually lead to us meeting and talking in person.  After some time, I mentioned that perhaps my husband wanted to come back home.  He said that he would like that.  He said that he had come to realize that he had let his family down and he wanted to make this up to us.  So he came home.  And I welcomed him.  I honestly assumed that he would agree to go to counseling since he had been very enthusiastic about making things up to me.  But he told me pretty quickly that he didn’t have any intention of going through a long, drawn out process concerning the affair.  He said that he had apologized to me and that he was truly sorry, but that the relationship was justified and he wasn’t going to debate it.  He said that we both know that our marriage was awful.  He said he truly had strong feelings for the other woman and, if life had been different, he thinks that they could have made it work.  But he insists that things would have never worked between them because my husband would always be aware that he had a family.  And the guilt would have been too much.  This upsets me. While I’m glad he’s back and that we will be able to maintain our family, I’m furious that he feels justified in his cheating.  How do I make him see that it is never justified?”

It’s very tricky to make someone see something that you want them to see when they aren’t a willing participant.  Especially when doing so may make them feel guilt or may humble them.  In my experience, the more you try to do this, the more defensive they get.

There are a couple of things that you can try, though.  The first is just to carry on with trying to heal your marriage.  As time goes on and you begin to heal, your husband will likely begin to feel affection and empathy for you again.  When this happens, he will often just naturally see his mistake and feel guilty without your having to do much of anything.

Right now, he has his walls up because he anticipates that you are going to try to make him feel guilty or that you’re going to try to make him do something which he thinks that he doesn’t want to do.  Once he sees that this isn’t true, he may let down those walls.

Another option is to have someone who he respects tell him plainly that there’s never a justification for cheating.  This is tricky.  Because sometimes this means you have to consider telling someone else about the cheating. This can make you look like a bit of a tattler who is trying to turn people against him.  There is less risk if he respects someone who already knows about the affair.  If not, a counselor is probably the best person to do this.

You may think that you can just tell him that there is no justification, but this often doesn’t work because he’s very well aware that you are not objective about this. It seems pretty obvious that he’s resistant to counseling right now.  One way that you might get him to go is to ask him to go to support you.  That’s one way that many people are able to allow a reluctant husband to see that the counselor isn’t out to get him.  Once he becomes more comfortable and respects the counselor, then it may be time to broach the subject of how big and hurtful a mistake was made and how there is never any justification for cheating.

The key is that he hears this from someone he respects and from someone who he feels is objective.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t usually feel that you, or other family members, have this type of objectivity because you’re very close to the situation and have an interest in him feeling and regret rather than justification.

I learned the hard way that I couldn’t “make” my husband feel anything.  And honestly, if you have to force regret onto your husband, how can it be legitimate anyway?  I think it is better to let him look around, see your progress, and come to this conclusion on his own.  That way, it is truly genuine.  You can read more about my own progress (or lack of it in the beginning) on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Sometimes, when you are not the faithful spouse, you think that forgiveness is easy to come by.  Friends, family, and even the cheating spouse can all think that if the faithful spouse can just find it in her heart to forgive, then everyone can move on.

Many people think that forgiveness is just words.  Just little words that can begin the process of healing.  And so they pressure the faithful spouse to offer this to make things easier for all involved.  As a result, eventually, the faithful spouse starts to think that perhaps forgiveness is a small price to pay to have her life and her husband back.  She thinks that it’s a small price to pay for things to feel normal again.

And so she offers it.  And she assumes that her husband will be grateful and relieved. Following this relief, she assumes that he is going to be so relieved that he becomes the husband that she deserves.  She assumes that he’s going to be loving and supportive.  Unfortunately, this isn’t always what happens.  Sometimes, after forgiveness, the husband becomes resentful, distant, and even a little unkind.

A wife might explain it this way. “I did not speak to my husband for weeks after I found out that he was cheating.  I wanted nothing to do with him. I would not take his calls.  I even distanced myself from his family.  He refused to give up, though.  When I wouldn’t take his calls, he would send me letters.  He would email me – anything to communicate – and ask me to meet him in person.  Finally, he wore me down a little and I started talking to him.  We became friends again first and eventually, we started back in a relationship.  Throughout this entire time, my husband was charming, sweet, and kind.  I thought that if I ever entertained the idea of allowing my marriage to get back on track, this was the man that I was going to get in return.  Eventually, as we began to invest in our marriage again, he asked me to forgive him.  I told him that I was going to need some time and he agreed to give it to me. Slowly, I entertained the thought and eventually, I gave in.  I did tell him that I forgave him.  And once I did, it was as if a switch had been flipped.  He was no longer sweet. He became sarcastic toward me and distant.  It was almost like once he got what he wanted, he turned on me.  I’m so disappointed.  I was sure that once I forgave him, I’d have that sweet, patient man and we’d try to fix our marriage.  Instead, I have a man who seems mean and mad at me for giving him what he said he wanted.  Why is he acting this way?”

I know that this isn’t pleasant, but it isn’t all that uncommon.  I have some theories as to why it happens. But of course, the most qualified person to tell you why it is happening is your husband himself or a qualified therapist.  From what I’ve seen, this behavior doesn’t always last.  And I suspect that this could be your husband’s way of trying to balance the perceived power.

I’m not saying that he is correct in his assumptions.  But, in this situation, many men feel that they have to “grovel” to get your forgiveness.  They lay on the charm because they have a goal in mind.  And even though they do the very best that they can, many wives make them work long and hard before they offer the forgiveness.  This is understandable.  I did the same. I was not going to forgive my husband until he showed me that it was safe to do so and that he was worthy of my forgiveness.  But the men in this situation can feel a little resentful of having to work so hard to get in your good graces again.  They can feel like they’ve had to give you all of the power in the marriage.

So when they finally get your forgiveness, they can feel as if they want to take a little bit of that power back. Or perhaps that want to show you how it feels to work so hard for someone’s love and have that same person be cold and reluctant. They may not even be aware that they are doing this and it may not even be their intention. But it happens as a result of working for your forgiveness for so long.

Sometimes, you don’t have to do anything because this treatment is short-lived and it ends on its own.  If it doesn’t, sometimes, having an honest conversation about it helps. You might try something like: “I can’t help but notice that once I forgave you, your attitude toward me changed.  The sweet, patient guy who was working so hard to gain my trust is gone.  And he’s been replaced by someone who is not nearly as kind.  I liked the kind version. And that is what I thought I’d get once I forgave you. But that hasn’t been the reality.  I know that I made you wait a while before I could forgive.  But I wanted to be sure that I could honestly offer my forgiveness. However, I offered it to the sweet man who was patient with me, not the one who is being unkind now.  I need to see the person you were before or I am going to feel as if I’ve been fooled.  I know that you may feel some anger that I made you wait so long, but anger isn’t going to help us.  We both need to be kind to one another moving forward so that our marriage is the loving and nurturing one that we both want.”

Hopefully, this will allow you some headway. And often, once your husband sees that you don’t intend to punish him, his resentment will hopefully fade and you will see less of the not-so-desirable behavior.  That really is the key – you have to be clear about what you want. And sometimes, you have to bring his attention to behaviors that he may not be aware of.  I had to call my husband on many of his behaviors.  It’s important to bring it up at the time the behavior occurs or it just looks as if you are complaining after the fact.  You can read more about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Almost as soon as you learn about your spouse’s affair, “forgiveness” is a word that you might hear over and over again.  Your spouse might beg for you to forgive him.  Your friends and family might ask you how you will ever be able to forgive such a betrayal.  Or, you might start to wonder if your forgiveness might help you to move on.

Regardless of who brings up the topic of forgiveness, it is often a word that you can’t help but ponder over.  And the perception is often that forgiveness will cause some relief for everyone involved.  So the faithful spouse can feel a good deal of pressure to offer it.  And, much of the time, we offer it willingly. But we may also offer it quickly.  And as a result, as we try to deal with the aftermath of the affair, we may feel some regret for that fast forgiveness.

A faithful spouse might explain: “about a week after I found out about my husband’s affair, we stayed up all night talking about it.  That was honestly the first time that my husband told me the whole truth about everything that happened.  It was so painful.  But we had a real breakthrough that night.  Because my husband touched on why the affair happened.  He talked about his abusive childhood.  He talked about the fact that his father always had girlfriends.  He cried several times.  I felt empathy for him.  Once, when he was sobbing, he asked if I could ever forgive him and, without thinking too much about it, I muttered ‘yes.’  I did mean it at that time.  I was able to see that my husband was genuinely sorry and I understood at least somewhat some of the contributing factors to this. However, a couple of weeks later, I started feeling some regret about this forgiveness.  My anger started coming back.  I started to perceive that my husband thought that since I forgave him, we could move on and not talk about it anymore.  This isn’t acceptable to me.  My forgiving him doesn’t mean that we don’t have a lot of work to do.  Frankly, I’m still angry.  I’m still resentful. And I feel like he’s not working hard enough ever since I forgave him.  But I know that I can’t take it back or undo what I have already done.  How do I fix this?”

You Are Allowed To Make Adjustments As You Go Along: I’m certainly no expert, but I think that this can be fixed.  So much about this story shows that you have made a good start.  Your husband has shown remorse and has been open and honest.  You have made a good-faith effort to try to move forward. So, a lot of good has already happened.  You are on the right track. Now, you just have to back away from what is not working for you.   And understand that you do have that right.  Just because you have offered forgiveness, this does not mean that you do not have any say about what happens next.  Frankly, recovery after an affair is a process.  It is not finished in days or weeks, at least for most people.  It is a moving target, requiring adjustments as you go along.   Most of all, it requires constant communication.  New questions and feelings come up.  New anger and confusion may surface. It is normal and it does not mean that you’re doing anything wrong.

Insist On Honest Communication: It’s important that you’re honest with your husband about this.  It can be confusing to him if you’re receptive one day and resistant the next. And he may not know what is bothering you unless you tell him.  So, probably the easiest way to start fixing this is to have an honest conversation.  You might try something like this: “I know that I said I forgive you and I stand behind that.  But I need to be clear about something.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we are finished in our healing.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we don’t have a lot of work ahead of us.  Or that I am not going to need you to work hard to restore my trust.  It doesn’t mean that we don’t have some serious work to do in order to fix our marriage.  It doesn’t mean that I feel as secure as I want to feel.  It means that I am willing to work with you and that I want to move forward.  But it doesn’t mean that our work is finished.  Our work is just beginning.  Do you understand the difference?  I want to be clear because I feel that we both deserve to move forward in a healthy way.  And I need to be honest about what I need so that this can happen.”

Notice that nothing above was mean or unkind.  You’re just telling him that you need a little more from him.  And that’s perfectly understandable.  Because if you don’t ask for what you need, you may not get it.  Frankly it’s very easy to get frustrated and to feel that he isn’t making the effort.  But if I’m being honest, I have to tell you that the whole process is easier if both parties make an effort.    You have to determine what you want and need and tell him. And he has to be willing to provide it. Forgiveness doesn’t magically make this happen. It’s a nice start. But it is only a start. And that distinction sometimes needs to be made clear.

I believe that most people are very confused about what forgiveness truly means after an affair.  I forgave my husband, but that didn’t mean that I forgot any part of the affair or that we closed the book on it.  My forgiveness only meant that I wanted to begin the process of letting it go.  But the process was only the beginning.  You can read beyond the beginning on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When you catch your spouse cheating or having an affair, things can generally go one of two ways – either you and your spouse both agree that you want to stay together and work things out or one or both of you does not want to work it out. Admittedly, this can change over time.  But initially, people tend to have strong feelings one way or another.

People often assume that it is the cheating spouse who is not committed to fixing the marriage, but this isn’t always true. Not by a long shot. Very often, getting caught makes the cheating spouse realize that they took a huge risk. And it is not until they are faced with losing their spouse that they realize how much they don’t want to face that loss.

In situations like this, the cheating spouse is almost begging the faithful spouse to take them back or to save the marriage. But of course, not everyone is going to be willing to do this. Some people see this as very cut and dry.  In their eyes, cheating is a deal breaker for which there will be no second chances.

Of course, just because you feel this way, that doesn’t mean that everyone is going to respect your feelings and not question them. Your spouse may well attempt to pressure you into giving them a second chance. Friends or family members may ask if it is in your best interest to act so swiftly and to try to make it on your own. This can make it feel as if everyone is ganging up on you and not listening to what you have to say.

A wife might explain: “my husband was well aware of the fact that I consider cheating unacceptable. My husband and I watched my brother-in-law’s cheating tear my sister’s family apart. The kids are devastated. My sister is struggling. I commented at that time that as hard as it would be, I thought that my sister should divorce her husband because once your spouse cheats, your marriage is never the same. Well, of course my husband eventually cheated. And now, I feel the need to make good on what I’ve already said. Although my husband is proclaiming how badly he wants me back to anyone who will listen, I don’t want him. I truly don’t. Yes, I’m sad that this is going to mean the end of our marriage and our family. Yes, this is a real tragedy. But it is my husband’s fault. Not mine. However, my husband pretty much seeks me out every day to tell me how much he wants me.  He calls my family and whines to them to make them feel sorry for him.  And now my sister has told me that not at least giving him a chance to fix this would be a mistake. She says that it is so hard being on your own and that she misses her husband. She said her advice to me is to give him another chance. Why don’t people understand that he may want me, but I do not want him?”

This is only my opinion, based on what I went through myself, but I think that it is not that people don’t understand or believe you, it’s that they are hoping that you choose another way. They likely believe that ending your marriage is a huge and often final decision and they don’t want to see you make a rash decision that you may later regret.

However, when it comes to your marriage and your own life, these choices are yours to make. It is not anyone else’s business. Yes, the people who are giving you advice very likely are acting out of love and concern and they think that they are helping you. But quite honestly, it is no one’s decision but yours.

And as long as you know that you have carefully considered all of the important issues, then I honestly do not think you need to worry about the opinions of others. Yes, your husband may want his marriage desperately, but the decision is not solely his. You have a choice. Your sister may mean well, but it is not her life. It is yours.

No one can predict the future. When we make decisions, we have no way to know if we are going to come to regret them or to know that they were right. We can only go by what we feel is the best choice for us at the time and then do the best that we can once we’ve made the choice. But his wanting you should not dictate your decision about wanting him. You get to decide where you want to go from here. It is your life. And your choice.

If you’d like to have a direct conversation about this, you might try something like: “I am hearing you. And I appreciate what you have to say. But ultimately, this is my decision because it is my life. I know that you are acting out of love and concern. But I am really the only one who can make this decision based on what I want and need. I ask that you respect this. If you really want what is best for me, then respect me enough to believe that I know what is best. I understand that you have your own take on all of this. And that is fine. But it’s ultimately my choice because I am the one who has to live with the consequences of my choices. Just like everyone else.”

I admit that, after the smoke cleared and much healing too place after the affair, I chose to try to fix my marriage – which we eventually did.  But I did not make that choice because I was pressured to.  I did not make that choice because I didn’t want to be judged by others.  I made that choice because I decided it was what I wanted.  It was my choice and I made it on my own. You read more about my struggles and realizations after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from people who are just feeling the full impact of regret after they have cheated or had an affair.  Many of these people questioned their love or commitment to their spouse while the affair was going on.  So now, in the aftermath, their feelings are confusing to them, because they were sure that they felt something for their affair partner.

But when the affair ends or is found out, the confused feelings can become much more clear. Many of these folks find that the feelings for the spouse return in a strong and fast way. Unfortunately though, their spouse may have negative feelings for them and may not reciprocate.  It can be difficult to finally realize that you still love your spouse only to have your spouse look at you with anger and seemingly hatred in their eyes.  You can be fully aware that you want your spouse back or that you want to save your marriage while you wonder if you even have that right to want these things because of your affair.

A wife might say: “I’m embarrassed to admit it now, but there was a time about two months ago when I wasn’t even sure if I loved my husband anymore.  I felt like I had something special with the ‘other man.’  However, once my husband found out and I was faced with losing him and potentially not having him in my life anymore, things were crystal clear to me. I do not want to lose him.  I do not want to give up my marriage.  I still love him, but our marriage had been deteriorating.  I feel like we could fix this, but he says that he does not think that he can ever get past my betrayal.  He says that it might be better if we divorce.  I can not accept this.  I told my best friend that I intend to fight for my husband, but she says that I gave up the right to fight for him when I cheated.  Is she correct?”

Your friend is expressing what is only an opinion, which would be all that I would have – an opinion.  There are really only two people whose opinion matters – yours and your husband.  However, I can tell you how your husband might feel and can give you some insights on his thought process.  Because I was the faithful spouse also.  So I know know how it feels to be part of that equation.

If you are going to fight for your marriage, I believe that you should not come on too strongly with this.  You don’t want to make it look like you are not considering your spouse’s feelings and wishes.  You don’t want to look as if what you want is the only thing that matters to you.

However, if you are absolutely sure that you are willing to do the work to not only maintain your marriage, but to make it a marriage where your husband can be secure, happy, and fulfilled, then there is nothing wrong with trying to make him understand this and hoping that one day, he will give you a chance to prove it.

But that is different than trying to force him to see things your way or coming on too strongly because you are only worried about what you want.

Right now, your husband is likely struggling to process this.  He may not have decided what he wants.   This is a lot to process and he may not be able to see beyond his anger and shock at this time.  That is normal.  He is probably doing the best that he can and he does not need pressure right now.

That’s why I think that it is best to lay the ground work, but then to give him some time if he’s indicated that he needs it.  The conversation might go something like this: “I know that you are furious and hurt.  You have a right to be both of those things.  I made a horrible mistake.  I regret it every second.  The threat of losing you has made me see just how important you and our marriage are to me. I know that I have no right to ask you to consider working with me to save those things.  So I will not ask that of you right now.  I only ask that somewhere deep down, you might be open to this possibility in the future. I would be happy to do anything that is needed to help us move forward.  I know that it won’t be easy. I know that it would take a lot of work. I know that I would have to earn your trust back.  But I am patient. And I am willing to do all of those things.  I am also willing to let you set the pace.  I know that you are probably not open to me right now.  And I understand that. But I hope that one day, you will be.  And I am willing to wait until that day comes.”

After you’ve said this, you have to be willing to be receptive to your spouse, but not to push. You have to remember that your spouse did nothing wrong and giving them time is the least that you can do.  If you are patient and you are clear that you are more worried about what your husband needs and wants than your own needs, your chances will increase that he will one day be open to you.

And you won’t have to “fight” for your marriage.  Instead, you will have a partnership in which you are both trying to save it together.  I was not sure that my husband deserved any chance with me after his affair.  But he was very patient and he made it clear that he would wait as long as it took and do whatever I needed.  Over time, I decided to be open to him.  But it was a while before I made the decision to try to maintain my marriage. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s very common for the faithful spouse to feel as if the cheating spouse is trying to manipulate them after the affair has been discovered.  Common manipulations are trying to make the faithful spouse feel guilty, responsible, or even pity.

Understandably, the faithful spouse is often reluctant to take any of this on.  A wife might say: “when I first caught my husband cheating on me, he was angry.  He acted as if I was the world’s biggest snoop and he accused me of seeing things that weren’t there.  He tried to make me feel like I was paranoid, until I showed him indisputable proof of the affair and then he had no choice but to back down.  I stood my ground with his anger and eventually, I guess he decided that anger was the wrong tactic to try with me.  So now he has apparently moved onto pity.  Now, he’s skulking around the house and when we talk about the affair, he starts to cry.  He says he is a weak person who doesn’t deserve me. He says that he is fully aware that he has potentially ruined his life.  He says that he is worried that he is going to lose everything and not have anyone.  He asks me all of the time if I know how horribly he feels about himself and how much he loathes himself. I wonder if all of this is an act.  And even if it isn’t, I wonder why he thinks that I should even care. He made his choice.  And now I am supposed to feel sorry for him?  He sure didn’t feel sorry for me when he was sleeping with someone else.  I don’t feel any pity for him and when he tries to get me to feel this, I just feel more anger toward him.  Does anyone feel pity for cheating husbands?”

Empathy (Not Pity) Can Happen Sometimes With A Lot Of Time And Healing: Well, I think that some wives eventually do come to feel some sort of understanding and empathy, even if you don’t define that as pity.  And I think that the reason for this is that sometimes, the anger burns itself out after a while and you are able to see this a little more objectively.  Once this happens, many wives do have to concede that their husband was struggling when he made the choice to have an affair.

You usually don’t see an otherwise faithful husband cheat when he is on top of the world without any problems.  Instead, you see him cheat a time when he feels pretty badly about himself.  He may have just suffered a loss like being let go from a job or dealing with a sick or dying family member.  Or, he may just be struggling with the aging process or maintaining his self confidence in mid-life when things haven’t quite turned out like he has planned.

Are any of these things valid reasons to cheat?  No, at least not in my opinion.  No matter how bad things are for any of us, there is always a choice to be made.  Husbands who cheat make a very unfortunate choice that can hurt a lot of people.  And, even when they are struggling, they should take responsibility for the same because they are the person who set everything into motion.

But that doesn’t mean that we can’t sympathize with their struggles.  They may have been struggling before the affair and now their problems are multiplied as the affair is found out and people are angry with and disappointed in them.  Their troubles appear to only be multiplied.

You can feel sympathy and still make it clear to your husband that this sympathy doesn’t mean that he is off the hook.  You might try: “I hear what you are saying.  Things are a mess right now.  And I am sorry that you are struggling.  But that doesn’t mean that you don’t have to clean up the mess.  I’m struggling, too.  But that doesn’t mean I’m going to feel sorry for myself and not take any action.  I will support you if you want to go and talk to someone about this, which I think is a good idea. I am behind your getting help to feel better and move past this.   I don’t think that you are a bad person, but you did make a bad decision, for which we are both paying.  Rather than feeling sorry for ourselves, why don’t we try to make this better?  I’m not a therapist, so I’m limited to what I can do to help you, but I support you in seeing one.”

The Difference Between Empathy And Real Help:  I think that this is an important distinction.  We may well feel empathy with our husband and want to help him, but we often are not qualified to do it.  Not only do most of us have no mental health background, but we do not have the objectivity to counsel him without thinking of the implications for us and our marriage.  Sometimes, the kindest thing that we can do is to encourage him to talk to someone.  And make sure that we do the same.

He is not the only one struggling.  It often makes sense for both spouses to talk to someone.  Two emotionally healthy people are going to deal with this much more effectively than two people who are struggling.  Plus, it’s hard to feel any empathy for him when you are struggling yourself.  That’s why there’s no shame in encouraging him to get his empathy from a trained professional, at least in the beginning.  You are not responsible for providing it when you are struggling yourself.

I admit that I had absolutely no sympathy or pity for my husband. Now that time has passed, I can objectively see the contributing factors and things make a bit more sense.  But I still believe that cheating is a choice.  Empathy can be understandable and commendable.  But that doesn’t mean that the person who cheated doesn’t need to take responsibility.  You can read about my own journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: If your spouse has had an affair, I’d be willing to bet that at some point in this process, you’ve found yourself with the realization that in the future, you’d like to be able to “just let it go.”

That’s because this process can make you feel very negative feelings that seem to punish you all over again. A person who is generally very loving may find herself feeling spiteful. A person who is usually very happy-go- lucky might find herself feeling more anger than she ever has. And a confident person might suddenly lack self esteem.

As if the affair hasn’t already stolen enough from us, we now have to lose little pieces of ourselves and feel as if we are somehow looking into the face of a stranger when we look in the mirror.

A wife might have this complaint: “I know that I have to let go of the affair. I know that I need to do this for me and not for my husband or even for my kids. I have become a different person. I am angry and suspicious. I am borderline paranoid. I find myself being short with my kids and with my mom. I lose my temper and I have always been patient. I don’t like who I have become. I feel that enough time has passed for me to let it go. But I can not seem to do that. When I am alone, I dwell on it. I can’t seem to force myself to think about other things. Last night, I found myself spewing more questions at my husband. He has answered these questions countless times before. He says he constantly has to repeat himself and he is right. I don’t know why I feel the need to sound like a broken record. We’ve had counseling. We’ve made progress. It is me who can’t let go. How do I change this?”

Do Not Heap More Negativity Onto Yourself.  You Are Doing The Best That You Can: First of all, you are doing what so many of us do. We blame ourselves. We feel as if we are falling short because we should be able to just move on. We feel that we are being weak and not determined enough. If moving on was as easy as making up your mind to do so, then every one would be able to do it.

What is seemingly such a simple concept is anything but simple. There is so much to overcome here. And sometimes, it takes more time than we anticipate. But I can share some things that helped me to move on. This might sound “new age” or a little silly, but please bear with me.

Let Go Of The Need For Control: I think one of the most important things that you can do is to realize that you can not control everything. Here is something that the affair forced me to learn about myself. I have found that it is my personality to attempt to control based on fear. Somewhere in my mind, I must think that if I worry about something hard enough or attempt to put as much control over it as I possibly can, then I can somehow ward that thing off.

I do this with my children, with my husband, and even with my mother. I am normally a type A personality and I don’t like feeling that I have no control over what happens to me and to those that I love. The thing is, we do not have as much control as we like to think. People disappoint us. Accidents happen. Unforeseen circumstances rear their ugly heads. This occurs no matter how much we worry or we try to prevent things. And it a hard reality to face.

But the second we truly accept that many things are outside of our control, the switch is flipped. We are able to stop our worry and our rumination because we realize that it does us no good whatsoever. Worrying about your husband cheating again does very little to ensure that he will not do what you fear. It just makes you feel out of control and it makes him feel frustrated.

For me, one big key in “letting go” was accepting that I could not control what my husband did or did not do. And if I kept trying, I was only going to make us both more miserable. It was about understanding that I could make my marriage as strong as possible but, in the end, I could not control the future or someone else’s feelings and actions. And then, it was going a step further and realizing that if the worst happened, I could, and would, handle that at the appropriate time.

There are no guarantees in life. We have to do our best to strengthen our relationships and put safeguards in place. But in the end, we can only hope for the best and know that we will handle what comes as best as we can. We control what we can, but then we have no choice but to let it go and know that we will face whatever outcome greats us at the appropriate time.

Another thing that helped me was to try to look objectively at how often I dreaded things which never came to pass. This made me realize how much time I spent worrying about things that never actually happened. It made me realize that I was feeling pain and anxiety that wasn’t actually necessary.

None of us are promised tomorrow. We don’t know what the future holds. So we need to embrace what we have today and let go of those things that don’t serve us and hold us back. This is the thought process that allowed me to decide that letting go wasn’t giving in. It was freeing.

I don’t want to insinuate that this was an easy or fast process.  It wasn’t.  These realizations took a while to sink in.  I went through a lot of needless worry and attempt to control before they did.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I believe that perhaps the most unfortunate thing about a marital affair is that the faithful spouse is often very hurt by something that he or she never even set into motion. If having an affair were a crime, it would be a crime for which the innocent party pays a very high price.

Wives who were always confident and self-assured now can struggle with their self image. They feel as if they were stupid to miss the signs and were too smug in thinking that they had a good marriage or a loving husband. And some of them even believe that their inability to see things clearly means that they are one of those people who are always in denial.

They worry that all of this is going to leave a kind of mark or flaw on them that they can never shake. They wonder if they can ever fully trust again or see themselves as a whole and worthwhile person.

Someone may describe it this way: “I look back at the woman I was six months ago and it makes me so sad that I’m almost sick over it. I honestly thought that I had it all. I thought that I had the world’s best husband, the world’s best marriage, and the world’s best life. I was on top of the world – thinking that I was finally where I always wanted to be. I felt like I was at a great place in my job and at home. This all changed when I found out about my husband’s affair. I was completely shocked and devastated. I felt like an idiot. I won’t say that the signs were completely obvious, but they were there. And I didn’t see them because I was so smug that my life was wonderful. I feel like a complete fool. People at my job know about this because the other woman actually works here. And now I feel like I’ve lost the respect at my job that I have worked so hard for. And I feel like my friends, who used to respect me, now pity me. Honestly, I feel damaged. I feel like someone who had too much pride and smugness and who must know be taken down a notch. I have lost a good deal of my confidence and this means that I have lost a lot of my contentedness. Will I always feel this damaged? I feel like I’m in a hole that I can’t dig myself out of.”

I understand how you feel. I knew very few women in this situation who haven’t felt some variation on what you are feeling right now. I’d like it very much if you would consider just a few things.

Trusting, Well-Adjusted People Often Do Not See It Coming: I know you feel like you should have seen it coming and that it reflects badly on you that you didn’t. But I can tell you that many intelligent, observant, and astute people do not see it coming. Why? Because we are trusting people who love our spouses and who believe in our marriages. If we didn’t, we’d go through life always expecting the worst, always on the lookout, always anxious that tragedy is about to strike. And that is not a great way to live. That would be every bit as “damaged” as you feel right now.

The Changing Of Your World View: There is nothing wrong in believing in your spouse and in yourself. Yes, this has shaken you. But I promise that it is possible to survive and even thrive after this. It does take a while to stop being on your guard all of the time and expecting the worst of people. That was one of the hardest things for me to overcome. I saw the world as a much darker place. I doubted the innate goodness of people. And this was one aspect of the affair that was the most damaging to me. I liked my world view. I liked that I saw the glass as half full. After the affair, the glass was definitely half empty.

It took some time, but I was able to return to my regular self after the affair. I was determined that my husband’s choice and my husband’s mistake was not going to change who I was. I was determined to hang onto the best parts of myself. I decided that I did not deserve to be the one who was damaged because I was not the one who had participated in the bad behavior.

You almost have to have a determination to not accept any more pain than what you’ve already endured. You do not deserve a life time of pain for something that you did not even do. It’s almost a choice that you’re going to get serious about healing, about moving on in a healthy way, and about using this as a learning experience so that it wasn’t all a waste.

It is possible to take some positive things from this. I honestly believe that I am stronger, more resilient, and more clear. I know myself very well and I am clear on what I do and do not want in my life. There was a time when I did feel damaged, but I don’t anymore. It can be the same for you, but it does take time, determination, and concentrated effort.

And there’s no shame in getting help if you need it.  Therapy helped me as did some self help resources.  You can’t expect yourself to be an expert on all things.  But you can be patient with yourself and vow to be your own best advocate.  You can read more about things that I found helpful at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s very natural and normal to wonder about the sex between your spouse and the person with whom they cheated.  After all, that is the crux of an affair, right?  By definition, it’s an affair because your spouse had sex with someone else.  So of course you wonder just what that sex was like and why your spouse was willing to risk your marriage for it.

But as much as you might be curious, you also may intuitively understand that once you cross this bridge, there is no going back.  So a wife will struggle with something like this: “my husband and I are really at odds after his affair.  He says he wants our marriage and that he has ended it.  I am trying.  I do love him.  But the biggest problem I have is the sex.  I am almost scared to have sex with him.  I have this worry that sex with me is awful.  Otherwise, why would he cheat? I am worried that sex with her was incredible. My friend says I need to press him to tell me EXACTLY what type of sex they had on each occasion because I need to know exactly what I am up against and what I have to compete with.  I understand her thinking.  And I am curious, of course.  But I am not sure if I want to have this conversation. I am not sure that I really want to know. Because once I do, how can I forget?”

I remember this dilemma with my own husband’s affair.  And here is how my thought process went.  Yes, I wanted to know – sort of.  But I also knew that I was going to create a mental picture that was hard to erase.  At the same time, I knew that if I didn’t seek information, I was going to create the worst possible scenario in my own head.

So I did ask.  There was a huge argument.  And tears.  And we repeated this exchange over and over.  It was always the same.  I demanded complete honestly and then got furious when he gave me just that.  I would grill him as to whether he was telling me the truth.  He would insist that he was.  I would still have doubts and feel like I was missing something. This frustrated and infuriated us both. Until I realized something.  I wasn’t there – meaning, I couldn’t possibly have been present as these events were taking place.  No matter what, there are no way to create a realty in which I was witnessing what actually happened.  Otherwise, there was really no way for me to know.

Could my husband be telling me the truth about things?  Of course, but his version of reality and my version of reality were going to be two different things.  And his perception at the time of the affair and his perception after it were also two different things.

Another thing that I came to realize was that the more information that I received about this topic, the more pressure I experienced and the more unhappy I felt.  This actually made me feel worse and less confident rather than better and more confident.  It made me worry that I would never measure up or be adventurous enough.  Sure, my husband could tell me that it was run-of-the mill sex with no chandelier-hanging involved.  But once again, we were back to the fact that I wasn’t there and therefore could not completely believe what I was being told.

Truly, this information-seeking followed by disbelief is kind of a losing game.  You think that it is going to provide you with something that you need, but it actually feeds onto your insecurities and makes you more shaky in your confidence and convictions.

I finally determined that I wanted to know the basics.  I wanted to know if the sex was safe and whether I needed to be tested for anything.  And beyond that, I figured that my focus was better placed on my own sex life – whenever I was ready to start having it again.

Once we resumed our sex life, it was tempting to compare.  Or to feel like I had to compete. But again, you have to ask yourself what makes you feel better and what makes you feel worse.  You have to determine what keeps you in the past and what moves you forward.  If dwelling on the sex feeds your insecurities and stalls your own sex life then, in my opinion, it just isn’t worth it.

If there was an affair, then you know that there was sex.  You might theorize that it was great sex.  But really, it was forbidden.  It was spur of the moment.  And the excitement is in that – not in the act itself.  And since it is now over and since the vast majority of affairs end, how great could it really have been?  Plus most people who have affairs will tell you it was more about feeling young or special again instead of just the sex.

It’s very easy to get caught up on this.  But it generally doesn’t offer much benefit.  You certainly have a right to ask for the details that you feel you need.  But be careful that you don’t create an obsession that only makes you feel worse about your situation and about yourself.  In my experience, the best thing that you can do is to focus on your own sex life and your own sexual confidence.  Once you do that, you simply don’t care as much about someone else.

Once I realized that the obsession with the sexual details did nothing but make me feel worse, I also vowed that I was never going to feel that I had to compete.  I decided that the best thing to do was to focus on my own sexual confidence, feel the best that I could, and then let it go.  This worked well.  Once you feel confident in your own abilities, you don’t worry about others nearly as much.  There’s more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  If I tried to tell you that life after a spouse’s affair was easy or was smooth sailing, you would know that I was lying.  Common sense tells you that it is not.  And yet, despite the difficulty, many people chose to stay for various reasons. Often times, there are children and other family members to consider.  Sometimes, it is very hard to turn your back on what you have built over the long term.  There are some very good and legitimate reasons to stay in spite of infidelity.  But that doesn’t make it easy.  People often say that this is a life-changing event that can change your world view.  They often ask for coping mechanisms to make it better.

Someone might say: “I am not questioning my decision to stay with my husband after his affair.  I know that this is the right thing – the only thing – considering my convictions.  And yet I am struggling.  I feel almost depressed.  I feel as if I have lost so much.  And it never seems to get any better.  My friends say ‘give it time,’ but I feel like I have and yet I am still so sad and so angry.  What are some coping mechanisms that I can use to get me through this?”

I will share some things that helped me.  I know that some of these tips might sound simplistic, but I found them to be very helpful.  They are also easy and mostly free.  So what does it hurt to try?

Never Settle For The Status Quo. Always Seek Improvement:  Once I was telling a friend of mine that my husband and I were doing “OK” after the affair.  She looked at me with the kindest expression and said: “I want you to know that you deserve more than just OK.  Do not concede to a marriage that isn’t what you want.”  This changed things for me.  As bad as an affair is, it does give you a clean slate.  You get to redefine your marriage and frankly, this is something to get pumped up for.  If you just accept a marriage that is half of what it once was, you’re not taking advantage of the ability to rebuild.  This gives you something to look forward to and get excited about, which helps to keep depression at bay.

Find An Outlet:  As much as you may feel that you need to constantly talk about the affair, this gets old quickly. And before you know it, you may feel that your whole life is consumed by the affair.  This isn’t good for anyone.  It’s very important to find an easy way to release these feelings. I found a handful of things helpful in this regard – journaling, yoga, power walking, meditation, charity crafting, and gardening.  It is so important to get out of your head regularly.  I would give myself five minutes to journal and I would write fast so that I wouldn’t edit myself.  Getting this out every single day helped so much.  Then, I would do something every day to focus my thoughts elsewhere.  Sometimes that was exercise. Sometimes that was using a meditation app on my phone.  But I found these things to be vital because often, you need to take a break from the drudgery and improve your outlook.  Everyone needs something to look forward to.

One Day At A Time Might Be Cliche, But It Can Help You Make Gradual Progress:  So often, we hope to heal immediately.  As nice as this would be, this isn’t realistic.  There is so much anger and confusion to process.  There is rebuilding to be done.  This all requires small steps as the relationship regains its footing.  It’s a gradual process that takes time.  And sometimes, all you can do is to take it one day – and one step – at a time.  This requires a different outlook than many of us have.  This is a learned behavior.  But it is necessary.  Every night, I used to give myself credit for getting through another day – even if it was difficult. And I would tell myself that tomorrow was another day and I would make the most of it.  Even if today isn’t so great, you always have tomorrow.

Putting It In Perspective:  Sometimes, when you are dealing with an affair, you feel like your world is ending.  You feel as if the walls are closing in. But you truly do have to take a step back sometimes.  When I was trying to heal, one of my friends was spending time in the hospital because her child had a scary, mystery illness.  This helped me gain perspective.  Although my family life was shaky and not like I wanted it, we were all together and we were all alive.  Which meant that there was still the chance to fix things.

Very few things are dire if you are still breathing and still have the capacity to wake up in the morning and craft the life that you want.  I know that this sounds dramatic, but it is true.  Some spouses have just lost their other half to illness or accident.  It happens.  So the fact that you are both here on this earth is something to be grateful about.  Because it means that every day, you have a chance to make it right again.  And not every one has this luxury.

When I look back at the aftermath of my husband’s affair, I know that it was bad.  But honestly, I don’t think of the bad times all that much today.  I don’t dwell.  And that is the luxury of making it to the other side.  I know that you’re just starting right now.  But hang in there.  Things can and do get better.  If you aren’t getting what you need, speak up.  And know that you deserve the life that you want. There’s more about my own coping on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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