Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who assume that they know what has actually happened during a marital affair, but who are severely mistaken.  People tend to make assumptions that are not true.  People tend to assume that things are their business when in reality, they are not. Some of these people are confused about the reaction that they are seeing from either the husband or the wife.

One emotion that seems to cause a lot of confusion is guilt. Sometimes, the spouse who cheated can feel intense guilt that he does not try to hide. This can be very noticeable to people who know him well. And not everyone understands this.

Someone might ask a question like this one: “my best friend at work cheated on his wife. I am not going to tell you that this is an admirable thing to do. But it’s not like he killed someone or anything. Now, this guy refuses to go out and get drinks after work. He preaches to the rest of us. He is so guilt ridden that he immediately goes home after work and basically does whatever his wife says. It’s clear he’s eaten up by the guilt. I feel like this guy is beating himself up needlessly. Overall, he is good person. Yes, he cheated on his wife. But it didn’t mean anything and most of us at this job have cheated on our wife at one time or another. But we move on. This guy won’t move on. Why does he have an overinflated  guilty conscience when everyone’s doing it?”

Here’s another example. The ‘other woman’ might ask: “the guy I’ve been having a relationship with told me that he was going to leave his wife and kids for me. I told my friends. I started looking for a bigger place for the both of us. Well all of a sudden, he changed his mind. His story is that when he went to tell his wife, he realized how horrible his actions truly were. He says he can’t see me anymore because of the guilt. He is very firm on this. No matter what I do or say, he won’t change his mind. I don’t get it. He didn’t do anything that a million other guys haven’t done. Why the intense guilt?”

I can’t answer this question from the view point of a cheating man. I’m a woman who has been on the other side of this. However, I get a lot of correspondence from cheating men and I think I have some decent theories on the guilt.

It’s not all that complicated, really. It’s a reaction to the knowledge that you have done something that you know in your heart is wrong.  And you also know that this mistake that you put in motion has deeply hurt the people that you care about.

Here’s another way to look at it. If you’re a parent, there has probably been a time when you’ve let your child down, even when you didn’t mean to. Perhaps you told your child you would take them somewhere special but, as it turned out, you had an emergency at work and you had to back out. Imagine how you felt when you faced your child and told them that you had to let them down. Remember how it felt to see your child cry and know that you were the cause of this pain. You felt horrible about this because you knew that you made a choice that caused pain to the one you valued the most.

That’s sort of how I imagine a man feels when he sees his wife crying because of his horrible decision to cheat. He may have fantasized that no one was going to be hurt. But this almost never turns out to be true. Someone is usually extremely hurt. And knowing that you had a hand in this understandably invokes guilt.

Because you know that you did this of your own free will. And you know that no once forced you.  In my observation, knowing all of this can make you feel lacking in integrity, weak, and ashamed.

Again, I’m not a man. But from all I’ve read and heard, I think I have a pretty good idea of how many of them feel. And we all know the feeling of guilt when we have when we hurt someone that we love.  And when we can’t take it back.

Sure, many people may cheat. (Although statistically speaking, not every one does. Plenty don’t.)  But everyone knows that this doesn’t make it right. And when we got married, this wasn’t our intention. We truly intended to love our spouse and to be faithful and to treat our spouse in the way that we would want to be treated.

When we fall short of this, we feel badly because we are human beings who want to do right by those we love. When we don’t, we are disappointed in ourselves and we feel guilty for not being the person that we wanted to be.

If you’re a friend or a family member of someone who feels this guilt, I don’t think you’re doing them a favor by telling them not to feel it. It’s better to admit you’re wrong, experience the guilt, and then be proactive to do whatever is necessary to make it right again. You can’t take back the cheating, but you can try to fix the damage that has been done.

My husband had a lot of guilt.  And at the time, I believed that he deserved to feel every bit of it.  But over time, the guilt diminished because he worked tirelessly to maintain our marriage and to restore the trust.  I don’t think he’ll ever be proud of the cheating, but I think he’s proud of how he handled himself through recovery. There’s more of that at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s understandable that the wife of a man who has cheated will feel somewhat competitive with the “other woman.” This can be true even if the wife no longer wants her husband and doesn’t even care if the affair continues. Regardless of how the wife feels about her husband, she can still feel as if the other woman has somehow won (especially if it appears that the other woman is confident that she has the upper hand or advantage.) And so the wife can wonder how to best shake this confidence.

A wife might describe this situation: “my husband and I have known the other woman for many years. She used to baby sit our children. Sometimes, when we went on vacation, we would pay her to care for our pets. Honestly, I always liked her. She has always been a very sweet person, but she was never what you would call attractive. She has always been overweight and dumpy. With dishwater-colored hair and no make up. Well, she had a health scare last year and she changed her lifestyle and started to work out. She lost some weight and so she kept going with her healthy regimen. She is now super skinny. And she has colored her dishwater hair to a bleached blond. Because of this, she started getting attention from men, so she changed her frumpy clothes to tight-fitting ones. Imagine my horror when I found out that my husband has been cheating on me with her. I suspected something not because they were inappropriate around each other, but because she started acting smug and superior. And even though my husband has started the process of breaking things off, she still acts smug. It’s as if she thinks that she is the most gorgeous and alluring creature in the world. Granted, she has upgraded her appearance. But she was borderline hideous before, so at this point, she’s only a little above average. How can I show her that she is not all that? How do I shake her new found confidence. Every time I see that smug look on her face, it makes me feel ill.”

Please don’t think I’m ducking the original question, but the first thing that I’m wondering is why you still seem to be in contact with the other woman? What opportunities are you having to see her look so smug? This is only my opinion and own experience, but I have come to believe that it is hard to move past the other woman if you are in constant contact with her. In fact, I believe that it’s best for all involved if every one cuts off ties with her. Healing from an affair is difficult enough without her in your life. But it’s much harder with her in it.

You Can’t Always Believe Appearances: If you no longer had contact with her, you wouldn’t need to see her looking smug. Here is another consideration. Sometimes, people who try very hard to seem very confident are anything but. They portray confidence to cover up their insecurities. It’s possible that the other woman isn’t as confident as she appears. She may worry that no one loves the real person inside of her and she is only getting attention because of her new look. She may worry that she may gain back the weight or have a hard time keeping up with her new look. The point I’m trying to make is that you have no way of knowing if her confidence is authentic or if it is just for show.

Frankly, when your relationship is with a man who is married to someone else, how confident can you really be in his commitment level? I hope that this doesn’t come off as too direct, but I’m not sure that your highest priority should be the other woman and what she feels. Your real concern should be yourself and how you feel.

From my own healing process, here is something that I have found to be true in almost all areas of my life, but especially with my marriage. When I worry about what other people think or feel, that means I’m not confident in myself. The problem isn’t with the other people. The problem is with me. But when I place my priority on myself and I get right with me, then I no longer care what others think or feel. And that makes my life so much easier.  And I notice that I am so much happier and so much more at peace.

So I would suggest that your goal should be to have some control over your own feelings instead of hers. Because the truth is, if you can get to a point where you’re healing, and growing, and gaining confidence in yourself, not only will you feel much better, but this is the best possible revenge that you could have.

If she looks back and sees that you and your husband have moved on and are living a happy and fulfilling life and are only focused on that, how good can she possibly feel about herself and about the affair? And, in the end, why should it matter?

I know from own infidelity experience that when we are hurt, we want every one involved to feel as hurt as we feel. But when we heal, that just doesn’t matter as much anymore and this is a huge relief. The truth is, the other woman probably isn’t as confident as you think. But her perceptions and feelings probably won’t matter as much  once you start healing. You can read more about my own journey at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s rare to carry on with your sex life as if nothing happened after you discover that your spouse has had an affair.  Although some couples will report that their sex life actually improved right after infidelity, this is the exception rather than the rule.  Many couples struggle sexually.  This is particularly true of the faithful spouse who can hesitate to be intimate after being betrayed and hurt so badly.  Many people report feeling numb, detached, or flat.

A wife might say: “the biggest damage to our marriage because of my husband’s affair is our sex life.  The other woman was everything that I am not – young, thin, and beautiful.  I don’t want to tear myself down.  I know that I am not ugly.  I know that some people would consider me still attractive.  But after nursing two children and having two pregnancies, my body can not compete with a young woman who is at her prime weight and who has never had children.  I suspect that she was more adventurous and eager to please sexually.  Plus, there was the aspect of surprise and newness with her.  I can’t compete with that either.  My husband ended the affair as soon as I found out.  He has done everything that I have requested of him.  I do believe he is putting in a lot of effort.  And I can’t imagine that he would jump through all these hoops if he did not love me.  I do believe that he loves me.  But it is very hard for me to engage with him sexually.  He seems into it and enthusiastic, but I wonder if this is only for my benefit.  I will feel like I want to have sex, but then when it actually comes down to it, I find that I am basically just numb.  I want to actively participate and to enjoy myself like I used to, but I find that my mind just wanders.  Most of the time, I imagine my husband having sex with her.  But other times, I find myself thinking about silly, mundane things like whether or not I paid my bill or when I am due for a teeth cleaning.  Or, I’ll worry about something to do with my kids.  This hasn’t been a huge problem with me in the past.  Am I always going to feel numb like this when we have sex? Why is this happening? And how can I stop it?”

I’m not a therapist.  I am answering this question as a wife who has been through this and gone through something similar.  In my experience and opinion, sometimes, we shut down sexually when we have shut down emotionally.  It is very hard to have great sex when you are not connected emotionally.  Therefore, if your relationship is still struggling a little bit and is still not on solid ground, you might see your sex life being affected accordingly.  It’s understandable and it is normal.  When you continue to heal and you regain that emotional connection, you will often find that your sex life greatly improves as well.

Here is another consideration.  Many of us kind of detach and distance ourselves from our husband after he has an affair.  We do this as a defense mechanism.  We may not be consciously aware of it.  But by distancing ourselves from him, we are trying to protect ourselves from being hurt.  And this distance can seep into other areas of our life – like our sex life.

How do we begin to stop this?  Well, we can start by trying to notice if (and when) we are doing it.  Notice how you are when you’re conversing with your spouse or spending time with him.  If you find yourself only half way engaged, pay attention and ask yourself if you want to lean in just a little bit.  Sometimes, you have to do this gradually because you are understandably reluctant to completely trust and you do not want to be hurt.  Often, over time you will feel a little safer, engage a little more, and then retreat and watch again and repeat the process.  Over time, you are no longer as guarded because you’ve learned that it’s safe to trust.  Watch yourself in this process and if you are not actively leaning in and giving a little more in time, ask yourself why. Figure out what hasn’t been settled and address it.

Finally, mindfulness can greatly enhance sex in any circumstances.  I know that it seems silly to compare sex to meditation.  But the same type of mindfulness works with both.  When you find your mind drifting, draw your attention to what is what in front of you.  Notice your breath.  Notice the feel of his hands on you. Notice exactly what is happening at that time.  Don’t be afraid to look at him and to really and truly take it all in.  This is the easiest and fastest way to stop being numb.  I know first hand that you have every right to want to numb yourself.  You are afraid.  You are reluctant.  But if you want to experience all of the pleasures sexually then you have to be willing to be a little more vulnerable in other areas.  And you have to be willing to take down the walls during sex and to experience it all.

Just like we had to build up our marriage after my husband’s affair, we had to build up our sex life.  It took repeated effort, but it was worth it.  There is a good resource for restoring your sexuality on the side of this blog. It’s called “her secrets.”  Look to your upper right to find the link.

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s common knowledge that, when people are caught cheating, they will sometimes offer up excuses that place the blame elsewhere. They might tell you that they didn’t think they were worthy of love or happiness or that they sabotaged themselves. They might tell you that something traumatic in their backgrounds contributed to their behaviors. One example might be their childhood. And while the faithful spouse might have some sympathy for the child that their spouse used to be, they often don’t know if this excuse is a valid one.

Someone might voice this concern. “I caught my husband cheating on me a couple of weeks ago. He is apparently sorry and is begging me not to divorce him. I still love my husband. And if I could understand what made him do this, then I might consider working things out. But I really just do not get it. We had a very good marriage. At least that is what I thought. Our sex life was good. We were connected. We talked and laughed. I keep asking him why he would jeopardize something that was so good. He says that it is just in his family culture to cheat. His dad and all of his uncles had multiple girlfriends in addition to wives. In fact, his dad would flaunt the other women in his house. This was painful for my husband and his siblings, but it was especially painful for his mother. This explanation does not make sense to me. If anything, I would think that this would be a reason NOT to cheat. If you grew up seeing the pain that the infidelity caused, why on earth would you bring it into your own marriage? For example, my mother was a heavy smoker and because of this, I have never tried smoking in my entire life and I never would. Can someone cheat because of their childhood?”

I’ve definitely heard this reasoning before. It’s not uncommon. And I think that when you have certain things in your childhood – you might either go one of two ways.  You might repeat those behaviors, because it’s all that you know. Or, like you have done, you might want to avoid those behaviors at all costs.

Your husband might be completely sincere in his belief that his childhood contributed to his infidelity. Perhaps the men in his family believe that you are not a “real man” unless you have more than one woman. It’s possible to see how growing up with this belief might contribute to your acting on it as an adult. However, there is so much more to cheating than just one contributing factor most of the time. Because even if the inclination and tendency is there, the level of commitment and a heightened impulse control can counter it.

So, if you do end up being open to saving your marriage, your husband would need to work on the childhood issues, and on preventing himself from being in that type of situation, or thought process, again.

With help, childhood issues can be overcome. Infidelity is no exception. And sometimes, knowing the pain that this caused you can be a motivator to do the work to heal and to proclaim that the trend ends with you and your family.

But you have to be careful that the childhood issue isn’t being used as a crutch or an excuse. As adults, we have choices. We are not children anymore. Sure, the inclination might be there from childhood issues, but we have to remember that we have made a choice. And being a responsible adult who is no longer a child means taking responsibility for that choice and for making things right again.

So, while I think that there may be some legitimacy in having risk factors that carry over from childhood, I also think that you have to acknowledge the choices that you’ve made and then take responsibility for having made them. With that done, you can then get down to the work of undoing the damage that the childhood has done.

People do heal from affairs, from bad childhoods, and from cultural standards if they are willing to do the work. And sometimes, seeing the pain that they caused those they love can be very motivating to break those habits forever. So yes, your husband’s childhood may have contributed to his affair. But that doesn’t excuse the choice he made. I’d suspect you’d want him to work on those issues with a progressional and learn to honor his commitment to his marriage – despite his childhood.

I firmly believe that my own childhood contributed to the way that I handled my own spouse’s affair.  My step-father cheated on my mother and she was extremely open about it in front of my siblings and myself.   She never healed and carried the anger with her like a badge.  So I vowed to handle this very differently in my own case and in my own family. You can read more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  People often assume that when a marriage is harmed by an affair, the person who is hurt the worst is the faithful spouse.  And while I know firsthand that it is extremely painful when your spouse cheats on you, the spouse who cheated can be deeply hurt as well.  They can struggle with intense guilt and feelings of extremely low self worth.

There is sometimes a lot of support for the faithful spouse.  It is understandable why the faithful spouse might need support while healing and while trying to move on.  But what about the cheating spouse?  Should they get this support?  Should they be encouraged to forgive themselves and move on?

Not everyone thinks so.  I sometimes hear from spouses who have cheated in the past and who want to be able to forgive themselves to that they can move forward, but they are told that this is self centered.

Someone might explain: “It stinks that I even have to say this.  But I cheated on my husband.  I feel like I’m a felon or something.  Like I can never do anything without identifying myself as a horrible person.  I know that in many ways I deserve it, but I feel like the description of cheater is going to follow me around for the rest of my life.  I haven’t really started counseling, but this wonderful woman from my church, who I see as sort of my mentor, told me that I have to forgive myself.  She said that I’m not going to be able to be the best wife or the best mother I can be while I’m going through life feeling like a person who doesn’t matter.  She said that of course I will need to make things right with my husband, but I also need to make things right with myself.  I was telling a friend about this wish to forgive myself.  This woman’s husband is my husband’s best friend.  She was not very receptive.  She said that this idea seems a little selfish.  She said that cheating is an awful thing and that I should not even think about forgiving myself until my husband can forgive me.  Frankly, I don’t know if my husband will ever forgive me.  But when I told my husband about this conversation, he agreed with my friend.  He said that self forgiveness for someone who had an affair seems a little self indulgent, considering all of the damage that I’ve done.  Is this correct? Should I just give up on the idea of forgiving myself?”

I’m not a counselor.  But as a wife who has been cheated on, I do understand why people might discourage you.  I think the fear is that, by focusing on your own forgiveness, you might be placing the focus away from making things right with your marriage and with your husband. And of course, you want to make sure your attention is on all of these things.

However, I can also tell you that my husband’s serious struggle with guilt and shame after his affair hurt our marriage almost as much as the affair itself.  Clearly, that was something he was going to have to deal with if he was ever going to be able to be an involved and enthusiastic husband to me.  As long as he felt undeserving and unworthy, then our relationship was always going to struggle.  As long as he also focused on other important things, I had no problem at all with him working on letting go of the guilt.  It wasn’t serving either of us.  What I ultimately wanted was to have a healthy marriage again.  And that wasn’t going to happen if we were both damaged and struggling individuals.

I think that people sometimes mistake what forgiveness in this situation really is.  It doesn’t mean that you are not accountable for the affair.  It doesn’t mean that you won’t have to work to rebuild the trust.  It doesn’t mean that the slate is wiped clean.  It just means that you are going to accept that you are not an evil person so that you can be a worthy participant in your marriage and your life again.  It means that you are trying to be as healthy and as whole as you can possibly be.  It means you’re trying to be effective for your family and you can’t do that if you are full of self hatred.

If you are getting resistance from the word “forgiveness” than perhaps it’s best to use different wording like: “trying to get to a better place within myself” or “trying to become the best person I can be for my family.”  Sometimes, it’s not what you are trying to do that is objectionable, it is just the word ‘forgiveness’ because people do not really understand what this means.

But I don’t think that wanting to move past the guilt and the shame so that you can be more effective is selfish or indulgent.  Because I know first hand that it is often necessary in order to truly move on.  And frankly, both parties usually want the same thing.  Your spouse may not realize that this is necessary for you.  Or, they may worry that what you really want is to hide from your responsibilities.  But once they see that this isn’t true, they may calm down with the resistance.  In the meantime, you may want to change the wording that you use while continuing to work on yourself.

Perhaps I was receptive to my husband working on himself because it was very obvious to me that he was also serious about working on our marriage.  Try to make this clear to your spouse – that working on your marriage and your family is every bit as important to you as working on yourself.  Because honestly, the two go hand in hand.  If it helps, you can read more about our own struggles with infidelity on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s completely normal to wonder about the woman with whom your husband had an affair. You wonder what type of person she is. You wonder what thoughts she had about your husband. You wonder what she thought about you. Often, people just do not understand this curiosity. They wonder why it matters to you. Admittedly, it doesn’t literally matter, especially as you move on. But many wives want this knowledge to quell their curiosity. Many of us feel that we could never ever cheat with someone who we knew was married to a loving spouse. How, then, could she? What does she think about us that allows her to do this?

A wife might ask something like: “do most ‘other women’ think that the wife is a horrible person who is not deserving of her husband? Because that is the only reason that I can come up with that would allow a woman to betray another woman in this way. Is this what most of them think? That the wife is an awful person? I’m not a bad person.  I’ve never been anything but a good wife to my husband.  But she must not be aware of this.”

I can’t speak for every one. Obviously, I don’t personally know every “other woman” in question. However, I’ve gotten correspondence from some of them. And I do have theories about their thought processes, which vary.

She Often Tries To Avoid Thoughts Of The Wife Because It Makes Life Easier: Many “other women” avoid thinking about the wife too much. They are in sort of a denial that this man is married. They look at the wife as an inconvenience of the relationship and they hope that this will eventually work itself out. Many don’t probe too much about the marriage or ask too many questions – especially at first. They sense that this is a touchy topic and they figure that they can address it in time. But many of them do report feeling guilt when they think of the wife. Which is why many of them try not to dwell on the thought of her. They try to think of their relationship as completely separate from your marriage.

Some feel so guilty that once the affair is over, they will reach out to the wife and try to apologize. Some will tell you that this is the first time they have ever dated someone who is married and that they never intended for it to happen. In fact, they’ll claim that they never would have believed that it could happen. They will sometimes want the wife to know that they are not a bad person and that they never meant to hurt anyone. And I believe that many are sincere in this.

Some Want To Believe That The Wife Is Very Flawed: Of course, the above isn’t true of every one. There are some women who will try to vilify the wife. They will see her as the person who is getting in the way of their own happiness and you will hear them say things like: “I don’t get why that witch won’t let him go. He wants to be with me. He doesn’t want the marriage anymore. I don’t get why she tries to hang on to a man who wants to be with someone else.”

Many of these women have their beliefs because of what the husband has told them. Some husbands of course will claim that their wife doesn’t understand them or is cruel in some way, which helps every one to justify the affair. In these cases, the other woman has thoughts about the wife which directly reflect what she has been told.

Other times, she vilifies the wife simply because the wife has what she herself wants.

Sometimes She Is Careful To Mind Her Own Business Because She Is Married Also: Wives often assume that the other woman is determined to take her husband away so that she can marry him. This is sometimes true, but not always. Sometimes the other woman is married herself and has no intention of leaving her own husband. She may actually love her husband and assume that your husband loves you.  But she may have the theory that sometimes, marriages are complicated and you have to go outside of them to be fulfilled.  I don’t believe this to be true, obviously, but some people genuinely believe this.

I find that most of these women don’t think about the wife nearly as much as she assumes. Many of them are focused on their own relationship and their own lives. Sure, some of them do want the husband for themselves. And those in this category are more likely to think badly of the wife. But even those will often try to think about her as little as possible because it just makes her frustrated to remember that he is married.

I understand why you are wondering about this, but I am probably not telling you anything new when I say that her opinion of you doesn’t matter. She doesn’t know you. And the information that she has been given about you probably isn’t all that accurate. And, even if it was, her opinion of you is clouded by her own agenda. She will often slant the information for her own gain.  It’s easier for her to not think of you at all or if she does, to think that there’s a reason why your husband is having a relationship with her.

Most of the time, it makes it easier for every one if the people who are cheating try very hard not to think of the spouses involved at all. If they can chase this out of their mind, it makes it easier to feel less guilt and to worry less about the future of a relationship that has the odds greatly stacked against it and probably isn’t all that healthy.

I understand why you are curious.  But really, who cares what she thinks?  You know who you are.  And that is all that matters. If it helps, you can read more about my own journey with this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Just about every women I’ve known who has dealt with a husband’s affair has wanted the affair to be over as soon as possible. In fact, most wives demand the same. I’ve never known a woman who said: “oh, take your time with the other woman. There’s no hurry. You can have both of us. It’s really OK.” No typical wife is going to say this. She’s going to want the other woman out of her life and out of her marriage yesterday, if not sooner.

But what if your husband stops just short of giving you this? What happens then? What if he only agrees to “wait and see what happens?” Or what if he’ll only agree to a short amount of time away from her.

A wife might say: “as soon as I found out about my husband’s affair, I insisted that it end. He told me that he could not give me an answer right away, which floored me. I told him that he had three days to decide and that if he didn’t, then I was going to leave him. Well, I will admit that I was really sweating during those three days. Because I started to think about how I would actually feel if I had to leave my husband. And I would not like that at all. But I also knew that I wasn’t going to back down. I can’t carry on with a man who won’t be faithful to me. So after the three days, he came back and he said that he is willing to ‘take a break’ from the other woman. I asked him what ‘take a break’ meant and he said that he will not see her while we try to evaluate what we want to do with our marriage. But, he says if things don’t work out between us, then he may pick the relationship up again. He’s not promising to give her up forever. He’s just saying he will give her up long enough to give our marriage a chance. I am not sure that this should be good enough. I am worried that this means that he doesn’t want to give her up and that he doesn’t accept that the relationship is wrong and should be over. He’s only treading water and then he will say that it didn’t work out between us so that he can pick right up with her. At the same time, I’m not sure that I have any options here. If I refuse to accept his offer, I feel like I might have to give up on my marriage. And this isn’t what I want. I’d like to try to make it work.”

This is tough spot to be in. You’re afraid that if you try to make him completely give her up, he will only see her behind your back or resent you for it. But if you draw a hard line and refuse to engage with him until he can guarantee you that it is really and completely over, then you may have to give him up if he refuses.

I understand the dilemma here. And I’m not sure what I would have done had my husband taken this stance. Luckily, he gave no resistance about ending the affair relationship. If he had, it would have been very hard for me to try to engage with him and pick up the pieces unless I absolutely knew that I was his choice and that I was his commitment.

I don’t think that it would hurt to try to make your husband understand this. You might try something like: “I am not sure if this is going to work for me. In order for our marriage to even stand a chance, I need to know that I am the priority and that I am the one you want. But, if I know that she is waiting in the wings, it makes me question how hard you are going to try to make it work between us. You always have a back up plan, so how committed are you really going to be to see this through? Obviously, I can’t force you to do something that you aren’t truly willing to do. But I am telling you what I need in order to move forward. And I need for you to end this relationship. No taking a break. No wait and see. I need for it to be done. Until I know that it is, then I don’t think I can give this my all because I know that you are not giving it your all.”

Then wait to see what type of response he has. He may tell you that you are right. And he may ask for more time. I do have to mention that when you take this type of stance, you need to watch very carefully to make sure that he is being truthful. His reluctance to let her go completely could potentially be telling. But if he is committed to the marriage, then making that commitment is what he needs to do.

Restoring the trust can be very difficult after an affair. But it’s nearly impossible when the wife knows that she may not be his first choice. Him ending the affair relationship is showing you that you are his first choice. Until he can do that, then you really can’t be sure. And he needs to understand this.

When you have doubts about him or your marriage, know that it is never a bad idea to place the focus on yourself and on your own needs.  I had to do this several times during my own recovery. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There’s no question that the faithful spouse in the affair is the one who has been wronged. When you think about all parties involved – the cheating spouse, the other person, and the faithful spouse – it’s clear that the faithful spouse is the innocent party. She (or he) is the one who deserves any apology that is due. And most of us fully expect or want an apology from our spouse. Most of us want this and much more. But what about the other woman or man? Does this person owe you anything?

Many faithful spouses would answer yes. But getting this apology isn’t always automatic. A wife might ask: “shouldn’t my husband force the other woman to apologize to me? She is not a stranger to me. I know her. We are not friends, but our children go to the same school. We were on a PTA committee together once. She came to my house to work on the project. So she is fully aware I am married. She knows my children. She cheated with my husband for six weeks. I found out about it and demanded that my husband end things. He did. But I also want him to make her apologize to me. He says he can’t force her to do anything. He says that this is a silly request that isn’t going to make one bit of difference. He has apologized to me repeatedly. And I believe that he genuinely means it. But this is not enough for me. I want her to tell me that she is sorry. My husband wants me to drop this. He says that she may not be willing to apologize  and we just need to move on. Is he right? I want that apology, even if he has to convince her.”

I can only tell you my opinion. I think that your husband is right. And by saying that, I am not letting him off the hook. But, it is my opinion and experience that part of trying to heal and move on is to leave any communication with the other woman behind. It’s best for the cheating spouse to completely cut off contact. Do you really want to give him free reign to communicate with her – for who knows how long and in what circumstances – to get you your apology?

And let’s say he goes back and forth with her for some time and is finally able to somehow convince her to apologize to you. How is this going to benefit you? How does it matter? It doesn’t take back the affair. And I suspect that you don’t want to have any sort of long term relationship or friendship with this woman. So really, her apology is just empty words. It just allows her to have more access to you and your husband. She may be sorry. She may not. It shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t take back what happened.

I think it may help to think about what you really want. You want something to take away some of the hurt. You want something that is going to give you a sense of peace. You want to retain some of your dignity.  Looking her in the eye isn’t going to give you that. It actually might cause more hurt. She may say something cruel or something meant to take more of your dignity. It might make you feel more doubt. I honestly think that asking something of her seems to give her more power.

I would want to take my power back by realizing that I do not want or need anything from her.  Except for wanting her out of my life. Because the affair has ended, that is likely to happen. I wouldn’t want to reverse that by giving her a way back into your life.

And I think you can get the release from the hurt and that peace by focusing on what is right in front of you – your family, yourself, and your husband if you choose to allow him to remain in your life, at least until you decide if a reconciliation is possible after healing. Really, the other woman should not matter in terms of your bottom line. It’s sometimes rare that I agree with cheating husbands but in this case, I do.

I suspect that nothing good would come out of forcing that apology. It just opens a door that should be closed. It allows her to have a bit of power if she wants to refuse or to drag it out. And it’s asking her for something that you really don’t need from her.

There were many things about my husband’s affair that were hard to let go of and were easy to dwell on.  I had enough of these without adding the other woman to the mix.   I wanted to focus on what was important.  And I decided that what was truly important to me was my family and crafting the life that I wanted. If it helps, you can read on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  When wives find out that their husband is having an affair, the first question they usually have is how they can make it end.  This is true even if they don’t want their marriages any more. Many will try to force their husband to end it immediately, but not all husbands will agree.  Many will drag their feet, or tell their wives they need time, or just refuse to talk much about it.

Naturally, these wives wonder how they can make him do what is right.  To that end, they often wonder how these things usually play out.  So, a wife might ask: “who is the most likely person to end an affair?  I am trying to get my husband to break it off immediately.  Although he keeps telling me that he wants our marriage eventually, he keeps muttering that he just needs ‘a little longer’ to make a clean break.  Which person ends the affair most of the time?  Is it the other woman? Or the husband?  Because if it’s the other woman who most often ends it, perhaps I should take my case to her?”

It Could Be The Person With The Most To Lose: Frankly, either party can end it.  I’ve seen both happen.  I don’t have any scientific evidence to back up what I am about to say.  It is just based on my own observations, which are no means scientifically or statistically sound.  But in my observation, the person who is most likely to break it off is the one who has the most to lose.

And most often, that is the husband.  He typically has a family of at least a wife –  and often, children.  He is usually the one who is going to be the most hurt financially if a divorce should come out of this affair.  He is the one who may not see his children as often as he likes.

Now, this assumes that the other woman is single (which is not always the case.)  Sometimes, you have a situation where both cheating people are married with families.  In that case, they both have tons to lose.  And when you have a case like this, it is typically the one who is “caught” or “found out” who will break it off.  But again, that’s just my observation.  It can always go either way.

It Could Be The Person With The Strongest Conscience: Another thing that I notice is that the person who has the strongest conscience and who feels the most guilty is sometimes the one who will break it off.  Although that person may be getting some pay off from the affair, eventually the pain they feel from their conscience outweighs the pay off of the affair.  You’ll often see this person confess because they just couldn’t take the guilt of leading a double life anymore.

That’s not to say that a woman who is cheating with a married man and who has no family of her own won’t or can’t break it off.  She sometimes does.  There are times when the guilt gets to her or when she looks around and realizes that this guy is never going to leave his wife for her and she is just wasting her time.  She might decide that she isn’t getting any younger and if she is going to invest that kind of time in a relationship, she wants it to be a relationship that is going to lead to a family of her own.

Why Appealing To The Other Woman Usually Isn’t Desirable: By saying the above, that doesn’t mean that I am encouraging you to approach the other woman in an attempt to urge her to end it.  I understand the thought process, but I hardly EVER see it going well.  It almost always backfires and causes every one pain.  It often makes things worse.  And it makes you think about the other woman more, since you now have a nice mental picture of her.  Plus, you have a memory that you can ruminate over again and again that will be very hard to erase.

In my mind, there is no need to create that.  When you let the other woman further into your life, this just gives you one more thing to overcome.  I believe that it is better for all involved if you approach your husband about ending it.  You can not force this on him, of course.  But you can tell him how you feel and what his refusal to act now means.

Here’s a suggestion.  You might say: “I hear you saying that you need time, but I am not sure that there will ever be a perfect time. And the longer you drag this out, the harder it is for every one.  I can’t force you to break it off, but I can tell you that until you do, our marriage is on shaky ground.  I can’t be intimate with you. I can’t trust you.  I can’t participate in our regular marital activities because there are three people in our marriage instead of the two that there should be.  It’s your decision, of course.  But I urge you to make the right one for every one’s sake.  It’s not fair for anyone to continue to drag it out with no resolution.  I am willing to work with you, but not until I know that we are once again a marriage of only two so that we can start recovery.”

Hopefully, this will be the push that he needs.  Men often panic when the affair is first found out and they are almost paralyzed to act initially.  They know that both women are going to be mad at them in the end.  They know that they are going to cause a lot of pain.  And so their first inclination is to just delay.  They think that delaying will also delay the pain, but this is very rarely the case.

I know that you want to go to whatever source is going to end the affair in the fastest manner possible.  But I firmly believe that you should keep the other woman out of your life.  Recovery is tough enough without that additional aggravation.  You can read more about my recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I sometimes hear from wives who are particularly floored to find out about their husband’s cheating or affair because they felt they had a good or happy marriage.  Many people are under the impression or assume that affairs or cheating just don’t happen in happy marriages.  They assume that if a husband is unfaithful, that must mean that there’s something wrong with the marriage or the wife. 

Frankly, I think this is absolutely false.  Affairs do happen to very good and very happy marriages.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

Why Affairs And Cheating Can Happen In Good And Happy Marriages:  The first question that might come to your mind on this topic is: “If he was happy in his marriage, why would he need to cheat?  It just doesn’t make any sense.” 

I would certainly agree with that.  But affairs and cheating DO happen in happy and good marriages.  Often, this is not intentional.   The spouses in this situation rarely wake up in the morning with the intention of cheating.  It’s often something that happens during a time of crisis or personal struggle.

Because honestly, it only take a split second to make a mistake.  And once it’s made, there is no going back.  It doesn’t mean that a person is unhappy in their marriage when they made such a mistake.  It often means that they just weren’t thinking and acted on impulse.  I don’t say this to excuse their behavior.  I’m offering you an explanation because I know that you want answers. 

And sometimes, your husband can’t give you those answers because he’ll tell you that he isn’t sure why he cheated or had an affair.  He’s usually sorry.  He knows he was wrong.  But looking back, he can’t quite put his finger on or explain why he did what he did.

What Men Tell Me About Cheating Or Having An Affair When They Were In A Happy Marriage: Sometimes, men have an easier time talking to stranger than they do their own wife.  Many contact me through my infidelity blog and email me asking for advice on how to make their wives understand that the affair didn’t have anything to do with their love for her or their level of happiness.

I often hear comments like: “I was just so stupid.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  I had the best wife in the world.  I was in a good marriage.  We were happy.  And then I have to go and ruin it.  It’s almost as if I have to sabotage or ruin my happiness because I don’t feel that I deserve it.  I clearly don’t deserve my wife now.  I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me and I can’t say that I blame her.  But if she would give me one more chance, I would show her that we could be happy again.   I know I could make her happy and I would never take her granted like this again. But she just doesn’t believe that right now.”

What’s interesting to me is that often I will ask these husbands if they’ve told this to their wives.  Many haven’t.  Or, many have tried to but then an argument started so they just gave up. So I’m going to tell you what they often can not. 

Again, I most certainly am not defending them.  I was cheated on also so I would never defend this.  But I hear from enough men in this situation that I’ve developed my own theories about why happy men cheat.

The Reasons That I Believe Happily Married Men Sometimes Cheat Or Have Affairs:  The passage above about the man saying he sabotaged his own happiness because he didn’t feel deserving is a theme that I hear a lot.  This is especially common from men who grew up in volatile homes, witnessed infidelity as a child, or whose parents had a rocky relationship. 

These men don’t have role models for a happy marriage so when they are living within one, they feel vulnerable and undeserving.  Therefore, they sometimes will subconsciously do something to mess it up because they either feel this is what they deserve or they feel they’re returning to the common denominator that is comfortable or familiar to then.

Family or cultural norms can also come into play here.  A man with friends or family members who cheat is much more likely to cheat himself. 

And sometimes, a man is facing personal struggles either at work or in his personal life.  Something has been chipping away at his self esteem or he’s struggling in some way.  Of course, what he should do is reach out to his wife, ask for help, and share his struggles with her.

But instead, many men are ashamed of this.  They try to push it in or handle it themselves and this is when they become vulnerable to cheating or an affair.  This is their attempt at some sort of relief even if they aren’t consciously thinking this way. 

However, even they would tell you that at no point were they acting because they weren’t happy with you or the marriage.  It’s more likely that they weren’t happy with something else in their life at the time, their past, or their own self doubt.

I tell you this because I don’t want you to blame yourself or your marriage.  MANY causes of infidelity, cheating, and affairs happen when people are perfectly happy with their spouse at the time.  Of course, the cheating can turn a happy marriage on it’s head and make it one that is suddenly bitterly unhappy. 

But I believe that it is absolutely possible to return your marriage a happy place after infidelity.  I won’t tell you it’s easy, but I do  believe it can be done. I can honestly say that because of all the work my husband and I did on our marriage, our marriage is actually happier in many respects.  It wasn’t always easy, but we managed.  If you like, you can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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