Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I can’t think of many things that are quite as hurtful as knowing your husband has relationship with someone else, and – worse – is in no hurry to end it.  He will often claim that he loves both women and can’t bear to let one go.  Needless to say, many wives in this situation understandably are looking for a strategy to end the affair.  Many consider a plan that will break them up.  Sometimes, a necessary component of this plan is to do something to make the other woman seem less than desirable.  One option would be if she were cheating.

To that end, a wife might say: “I am trying to determine the best way to get my husband to think that his other woman is cheating on him.  There have been times when I knew my husband was so close to breaking it off with her.  But she seems to have some sort of hold over him.  He keeps saying that he needs time, but he will not end the relationship.  And he doesn’t seem to want to end our marriage either.  I think if he could somehow get mad at her for something, that would do it and we could go on with our lives.  I’ve tried showing him that she’s only out for his money, but she seems to sense this and then she will stop asking for things.  This weekend, I was out with a friend and I actually saw the other woman at a restaurant with another man.  They were laughing and they looked like more than friends. I got excited, but my friend told that this was the other woman’s childhood friend.  She says that they’ve been friends for years and that there is nothing romantic between them.  I honestly wish I’d taken photos of them to suggest to my husband that she is cheating on him.  How can I make him think she’s cheating so that the affair will end? I’m considering hiring someone to take photos.”

Let’s assume for a second that you might see the two of them out again – with your camera ready and focused. Let’s even assume that you get a good picture.   Do you know for sure that your husband hasn’t already met this man? What if your husband knows exactly who he is?  What if you show him the photo with the story of the other woman cheating and it backfires big time because your husband knows that you are lying?  He will then be able to see exactly what you are trying to do.  Sure, you could pretend that it was an honest mistake and that you legitimately thought she was cheating, but it’s risky.  And, there’s also a chance that even if your husband believes you initially, he will question her and she’ll be able to prove he’s just a friend and that it’s your husband she wants.  This could even bring them closer together.

I know that not everyone agrees with me, but I almost never think it’s a good idea to focus on the other woman.  Because what you really want is for your husband to willingly end the affair so that you can rebuild the trust and restore your marriage.  If they break up only because you’ve fooled him into thinking she’s cheating, will you ever feel that trust?  Can you ever really be secure?  Will you feel that he legitimately chose you?

I know that it is hard to just watch and wait.  I know that this feels like you are doing nothing when your marriage is on the line.  But it’s my experience that this type of manipulation and dishonesty almost always comes back to haunt you.  As hard as it might be, I feel it’s best to wait until you can legitimately say that you both chose to save the marriage because it is legitimately what you wanted.

Saving a marriage after an affair is tricky. It requires both people’s full commitment and effort.  I’m not sure that you will have that from him if he’s only there because he has come to believe something which he may later find out to be untrue.

It would be fair for you to think: “well, I know that’s it’s dishonest to make him think she’s cheating, but she didn’t fight fair when it came to me.  She was certainly dishonest when she cheated with my husband. Why do I have to have integrity when she doesn’t?”

I understand the argument.  I’ve had these thoughts myself.  But a relationship that started as an affair has horrible odds of succeeding. The odds are stacked against it from the very beginning.  So, there’s a good chance that this is not going to end very happily for the other woman.  The odds of her riding off in the sunset with your husband for the long term are not good.  My point is, there’s a very good chance that in the future, her lack of integrity will not pay off.

But you have enough to worry about.  Let that go.  Let the universe worry about karma.  Focus on your own recovery.  Hope that your husband does the right thing, but know that you can not control him.  You can’t force decisions on him.  But if you conduct yourself with integrity, you can have some confidence that in the end, people eventually show their true colors.  You generally do not have to manipulate anything to make this happen.  It will happen on it’s own. And if you try to force it, then you sometimes bring that negativity back your way, which you don’t need or deserve.

I know that you just want her out of your life.  But you can choose to minimize her place in your life by focusing on yourself.   I firmly believe that placing your focus on healing is the quickest way to feel better and more in control.  And once he comes back around, you are in a better place. At least that was my experience.   There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It is a very hard thing to process when your husband is having an affair. Often, all you can do is take things day by day and wait to act until things become more clear. However, when your husband takes this a step further and announces that he is leaving you for the other woman, well, that can make things much more immediate. And that can make your actions and your reactions just that much more important. You are left wondering how you should act, what you should say, and where you go from here.

A wife might describe it this way. “I was floored when my husband told me that he was having an affair. I don’t know the other woman. She was a new hire at his job. I have no idea what she looks like, who she is, and why he finds her so irresistible. I had hoped to be able to take my time when it comes to how to handle her. I figured that I would not rush the process and then after several weeks, I would evaluate how I am feeling about things and then make a decision regarding my marriage. Well, it’s now pretty obvious that I am not going to have this luxury because now my husband is telling me that not only is he in love with her, but that he is leaving me to be with her. I have no idea how I am supposed to respond to this. Part of me wants to tell him that he’s a jerk and that in his attempt to ride off into the sunset, I hope that the two of them have a horrible, dysfunctional relationship. And that one day he will realize what an idiot he was to walk away from his family. I hope that he realizes that he is going to lose everything. But I’m scared to say these words because I want to preserve the slight chance that we might one day save our marriage. Considering that, how do I respond to this?”

The wife was right (at least in my opinion) to look at the long term. Because it would be so easy to tell the husband that you don’t care what he does (or who he does it with) because you are absolutely done with a cheater like him. The problem is that you don’t want to say this unless you are sure that you are absolutely done with him. (And this is going to be very unlikely if you children.  If you do, he is always going to be in your life.) If there is any doubt, then you want to be careful about how you react, even if you do end up giving him a piece of your mind.

I believe that it’s probably safe to assume that he already knows that you are going to be furious with him. Pretending that you aren’t isn’t likely to fool anyone. Still, you probably want to choose your words carefully.

I will admit that I’ve not been in this situation first hand. Although I did deal with infidelity in my own marriage, my husband never wanted to stay with the other woman. He was willing to end it immediately. So, what I would have done had this not been the case is only speculation on my part.

But, I would like to think that I would have said something like:”well that’s very disappointing and frustrating. I would think that most people would realize that they can’t have a healthy, new relationship until they deal with their old relationship. You haven’t made any attempt to do that. So I would have to suspect that ultimately, both relationships don’t have a fair chance as a result. I can’t change what you do. The direction that you take with your life is ultimately up to you. It’s disappointing that after all our time together, you can walk away so easily for someone who you barely know. But I can’t change this for now. What I can do is to focus on myself and on our family and that is precisely what I intend to do. Only time will tell as to how this all plays out. But for my part, I’m going to focus on living in a healthy way that is in alignment with my own values. Perhaps we will regroup to discuss this later. Perhaps not. All I can do is hope that you find whatever it is that you are looking for and that you don’t regret this later.”

Notice that this was worded very carefully. It’s clear that you are disappointed and not very happy. But you aren’t saying anything that would preclude having a decent relationship down the road. And, should this ill-fated new relationship not work out, which would be typical, then you haven’t said or done anything that is going to paint you in an unflattering light. He will likely look back and see that you conducted yourself pretty admirably, considering the circumstances. And there will be no doubt that the mistake was all his.

Some people will ask why I didn’t try to talk him out of leaving. It’s my opinion that this is often futile. It’s pretty clear that you don’t want him to go, but begging him to stay or trying to debate it often isn’t effective anyway and it makes you look desperate. I feel it’s best not to stoop to that level. You don’t want to imply that there is something wrong with you or that you need to manipulate him to get him to stay, especially since you did nothing wrong. It’s my belief that it is better to give off the impression of strength rather than weakness. But again, this is only my opinion.  And every wife has to make that decision for themselves, considering their husband’s personality and how he has responded to similar behavior in the past.

I know that this is a hard time.  But the early days are usually the very worst.  Often, if you just wait, the other woman will be revealed for who she really is and your husband will realize his mistake.  And that is when you are in the driver’s seat.  If it helps, you can read more about my bout with infidelity on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who have been cheating on their spouse and who are in a bit of a panic.  And there can be a couple of reasons for this.  First, they are beginning to realize the full brunt of their mistake.  They are realizing that their fantasy or hope of “no one getting hurt” just wasn’t realistic after all.

Often, they are dealing with pressure from both their spouse and from the other person in the affair.  Ideally, it would be great if the other person would be willing to bow out gracefully.  The ideal is that the other person accepts that the affair is over and moves on without causing any additional damage.  This is not always what happens, though.  Many times, the other person in the affair wants to “talk” to all parties involved.  They want to explain.  They want a face-to-face meeting where everyone (including the faithful spouse) is present.  And when you are hoping that you might salvage your marriage, this can be difficult.  Sometimes people in this situation ask me if there can be any upside to this.

The comment might go something like this: “the other woman wants to sit down and talk to my wife.  I have told both of them that the affair is over.  But the other woman feels the need to ‘say her peace.’  I will admit that my wife has been bad-mouthing the other lady all over town.  And so the other woman believes that if they can both sit down as human beings, she can explain that she didn’t think that I was married initially and that now that she understands that, she is willing to walk away.  She wants to stress that she’s not a bad person and never intended to hurt anymore.  Frankly, I never hid my marriage from her and I’m not sure that I believe what she is saying.  But she says that this is for my wife’s benefit, not for mine.  And she seems to strongly feel the need for this meeting.  I do not think that my wife would be opposed to such a meeting, if for no other reason than she would relish the opportunity to ‘tell off’ the other woman.  Is this ever a good idea?  Because no one seems to be willing to drop it?”

This article will be discussing a face-to-face meeting between two women.  But, this dynamic can also happen with men who feel the need to “hash it out – man to man” after an affair.  Either way, it almost never goes well.  People only need to “hash things out” or “have a meeting of the minds” when they are going to work together in the future.  If the affair is truly over, there is really no reason for this to need to happen.  Once it’s over, by definition, the other person is officially out of your lives.  This does not include meetings with third parties.  Having meetings is not moving forward.  It is not letting go.  There is no good reason for it other than to heighten the drama or to hang on.

I know that the other woman can talk a good game about needing closure or about getting things off of her chest.  But guess what?  When you are an adult, not all conflict concludes wrapped in a neat and tiny bow.  Sometimes things get left unresolved and so you have to make a conscious choice to let go of the guilt on your own.  This may not be ideal.  But this is real life for well-adjusted adults.

If you truly want to save your marriage, your first priority is your family.  It is not getting the other woman or the other man closure.  It is not allowing the other woman or the other man to have the last word.  It is not forcing your spouse to listen to what they have to say.  Very little good ever comes out of these meetings.  All these face-to-face meetings do is enflame and hurt.

So no, I would not encourage you to pursue this.  I would instead tell the other woman that moving on means just that.  Insist that your wife can make up her own mind about what happened and  that she doesn’t need to hear it hashed out over and over again by a stranger.   Tell her that from now on, your focus is on the future and not on the past.  It’s your job to protect your spouse from future injury from the affair.  And if you subject your spouse to this “meeting,” then you wouldn’t be doing that job very well.

After an affair, every one has to take responsibility for their own healing.  The other woman can go to counseling or find other ways to ease her guilt.  She doesn’t need to talk to your wife in order to do that.

As the faithful spouse in my own marriage, I am admittedly biased.  But I would not have appreciated it if my husband had encouraged ANY type of meeting. I would have not only refused, but I would have questioned his motivations.  If your marriage is at all important to you, then you must prioritize your spouse.  Healing is possible.  But you have to have your priorities in the right order.  You can read more about my own healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people understand that the time period after learning of your spouse’s affair is a volatile one. Often, it’s impossible to think clearly and objectively. And for these reasons, many people understand that, most of the time, it’s not in your best interest to make any important and lasting decisions until you are able to calm down and think rationally. But not every one has this luxury because sometimes, your spouse is the one who will make rash decisions.

A wife might say: “much to my great shock, I did not immediately leave or kick my husband out after his affair. I was kind of numb and I knew that I wasn’t thinking clearly. So while I asked for some time before we really talked this through, I did not do anything drastic. I truly don’t have any clue if we can save our marriage. But I would like the opportunity to explore that. However, I might not get that opportunity. Because my husband announced last night that he thinks our marriage might be over because he feels that he doesn’t deserve me and he thinks that he will never be able to get over these feelings of inadequacy. Frankly, this makes me angry. He is the one who cheated and now he gets to call the shots? What if I don’t care if he doesn’t deserve me?”

This isn’t that all uncommon. Sometimes, the cheating spouse is being absolutely truthful when they make this claim. They fully believe that their actions have made them unlovable and unredeemable. And they feel that you might ultimately be better off without someone as flawed as them.

But other spouses pull the pity card to try to get you to say something like: “you’re wrong. You do deserve me. You are a good person who made a mistake. Let’s start over.” What cheating spouse would not want this easy, fast way out? It helps to be aware that, if you allow them to take this quick out, then you may be cheating yourself out of rehabilitation and healing.

That doesn’t mean that you just have to accept what he is saying without having a conversation about this. You can certainly tell him your opinion by offering something like: “all of the research that I’m doing says that you shouldn’t just make drastic decisions about ending or saving your marriage until you’ve taken the time to evaluate things calmly. It is too soon for us to do that. So I think that it is too soon for us to declare that our marriage is over. We might need to explore counseling or having meaningful conversations before we are at a place where we can make a decision about our marriage. But I think it’s very premature to make a marriage-ending decision before we even attempt to sort this out. We may be able to heal and there may be a time in the future when we both feel deserving of the other. We won’t know that unless we take the first steps toward exploring how we feel and seeing what we can salvage. But to just declare that our marriage is probably over because of any initial feelings, that’s just rushing. Can we just wait to see what happens in the days to come before we make any huge, life-changing decisions?”

His answer may give you some clues as to whether he really believes in the whole “I don’t deserve you” claim or if he’s posturing just a little bit. Because you’re not telling him that he DOES deserve you right this second. You are just saying that you are willing to wait and see what tomorrow brings.

He may frankly believe what he’s telling you. But the most effective way for him to eventually believe that he is deserving in the future is to become rehabilitated, to do the work, and to eventually become the best husband that he can be.

He obviously can not do that if he bails at the first sign at trouble. And part of taking responsibility is hanging in there regardless of whether or not there are any guarantees. Sometimes, he is looking for reassurance from you. But no one can give him reassurance before the work has been done.

So I think that the best strategy is to try to convince him that this type of decision is premature. Then, you do the work. Honestly, if he is willing to do all of this, then it only makes sense that the both of you are much more likely to think that he is deserving in the future.

My husband made this claim also.  But because we have done the work, I don’t really think that’s a concern for him anymore.  He has certainly done everything asked of him.  And over the years, he has proven to be a good, loving, and loyal spouse.  He most definitely has proven himself worthy, although there’s no question that at one point, he made a horrible mistake.  There’s more to read on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives who seek out or talk to the other woman know deep in their hearts that no good can come of it. Many later admit that there was a little voice in their head telling them to end the communication at once and to never look back. But, for whatever reason, they ignored that little voice and allowed their curiosity and their need for information to get the better of them. They met with her and then she told them something incredibly hurtful.

An example is the other woman who does her very best to paint the affair as a love story that will never end. She’ll try to paint herself and the husband as soul mates who are destined to be together forever and who share a love to which all others just can not compare. This leaves the wife wondering what this means for her. A wife might say: “I did not reach out to the other woman. She called me. And she said that she needed to tell me something very important that might change everything for me. My first inclination was to hang up and to tell her to never call back. But I knew that if I did that, I was going to go crazy wondering what the information was, so I reluctantly agreed to go. Turns out, her ‘important information’ was the declaration that she and my husband are deeply in love and that they are so close that they share a bond that can never be broken no matter how hard I try. She says my husband has repeatedly told her that he’s never felt anything like what he feels with her and that he never had that feeling with me – even when we were dating. She says that my husband told her that he married me only out of a sense of obligation. She informed me that she felt like she just had to be honest with me and tell me that I am wasting my time trying to save a marriage that was never right in the first place. I am so upset by this. I try to put it out of my head, but I can’t. My brain keeps echoing with her claims. Tonight, my husband tried to be sweet to me, but I was cold to him because in my mind he was just faking it because he can’t possibly feel for me what he felt for her.”

Ask Yourself About Her Motives: I know that this must be painful. But I think it might be a mistake to just assume that what she told you is the truth. Think about it for a minute. Does she have any motive to paint the affair as different than it really was? Of course she does. If she can make you think that your marriage doesn’t stand a chance, then perhaps you will back off, reluctantly end your marriage, and leave your husband to her. Or, if she can make you think that your marriage can not compete with their relationship, then again, you might just give up and feel that you can’t and shouldn’t compete – which will completely clear the way for her.

And here’s something else that you may not have considered. People who have affairs have a vested interest in trying to magnify the relationship. This makes it easier to justify their behavior. It’s easier to think to yourself something like: “I’m not normally the type of person who would cheat. But this relationship was so special and so right that I just had to make an exception. How can I be expected to pass up my soul mate?”

It’s better for most people to think about themselves in that way than to admit that they willingly cheated with someone they knew was married and threw all of their integrity out of the window.

Look At What Is Real And Not At Someone Else’s Reality: If their relationship was so special and enduring, you will learn that soon enough. But if that were true, why is your husband making an effort to be sweet to you in an attempt to save the marriage? I just think it’s important to realize that she has her reasons to tell you what is less than the truth.  And if, because of her, you distance yourself from your husband who was truly making an effort, she will get exactly what she wants.  She will have accomplished exactly what she set out to do.

Nothing says that you have to believe her and nothing says you have to meet with her or listen to her again. Many wives want to meet with her again to show her that she hasn’t won. But frankly, the most effective way to show her your victory is to move on with your life and to secure your marriage so that she is no longer in the middle of it – even if she wants to be.

Reality Changes: And, even if she believes that what she is saying is true, plenty of couples save their marriage under these circumstances. People sometimes do believe that they are in love with their affair. But the longer that it is over and the longer that they are no longer participating it in, the more likely it is that they come to realize that they were wrong.

Honestly, I firmly believe that you are better off getting information from your husband. There’s no guarantee that he will tell you the complete truth either.  But at least he’s someone who you still want in your life.  And he is invested in not hurting you, when that may be her goal.  Determining where to place your focus is so very important. There’s more to read about my own recovery after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who have tried to prepare themselves for a long and painful wait. Their husband has made it clear that he is not sure if he is ready to end his affair. And so the wife very begrudgingly tells herself that she is just going to have to stand by and see what happens. After all, what else can she do? Sometimes, she figures if she has any chance of saving her marriage, it is better to wait for him to decide and still have the possibility of fixing things than to demand a quick decision and then be heartbroken when he chooses the other woman.

That’s why it can be so surprising when, out of the blue and right away, the husband announces that he has ended the affair with no warning at all. The wife is usually quite happy and relieved by this. But then the doubt sets in. She wonders if he is lying about the whole thing or if perhaps he and other woman had a fight or misunderstanding.

A wife might ask: “what would make a husband end his affair suddenly? When I first confronted my husband about his affair, he told me that he was going to need time. He admitted that he had come to need the other woman. He admitted very deep feelings for her. And although he reassured me that he did not want to lose me, he was clear that he did not want to lose her, either. My first inclination was to tell him that I was not going to wait around. In fact, I started thinking hard about looking for another place to live. But as I did that, it made me realize that I did not want to leave my home. And I did not want to just leave him for the other woman to win. So I decided that I would wait, but I would try to distance myself from the whole process and keep busy. That’s why I was so surprised when he came home on the third day and announced that the affair was over. He refused to give any explanation. He just said that he had decided it was best for every one to end it. I am relieved. I’m not stupid. It’s better for me if she’s not in the picture. But I don’t understand. All of a sudden he’s willing to end it when he was very clear that he wasn’t willing to do just that? Did she dump him? Is he lying? Why do affairs end suddenly?”

There are many possibilities here. And I would only be guessing. Hopefully, in the near future, he will be honest and give you more information. But until then, here are some reasons that affairs typically end quickly.

One Of The Parties Decides It’s Not Right Or Is Affected By Too Much Guilt: Frankly, many people who are willing to be honest about the affair will admit that they have been struggling the whole time. They have known that it was wrong and they have often thought about ending it but, for whatever reason, they haven’t yet. However, when they see – for the first time – how their actions have hurt others, these feelings of guilt are magnified. And even if they try to continue on with the affair, it feels altered somehow, since it’s no longer a secret. The people cheating know that they are now consciously continuing to carry on as their spouse is struggling with the pain. This is too much for many people to bear. Even if they initially try to carry on with the affair, many find that they just can’t do it. So they will end it.

The Other Person Ends It When They See The Indecision: Sometimes, the husband will come back to the other woman and it’s obvious that something has changed. He will confess that his wife knows about the affair and that he is upset about it. The other woman might be upset and confused about this. Because obviously, if he is affected by his wife’s knowledge and reaction, then he still cares about her. This may anger the other woman and she might break it off in the hopes that the husband will beg her to reconsider and promise that he will leave his wife. But if your husband came home to you and announced that it was over, then it’s likely that she did not get what she wanted.

It’s All A Fake Out: This is what many wives fear – that he’s telling you that it’s over just to get you to let your guard down so that he can continue cheating. I can’t tell you that this never happens. It does. But it’s generally pretty obvious. And if this is the case, you can typically tell that his heart isn’t in the marriage and then he’s gone too much to be putting in an effort. A man who has ended the affair and chosen his wife comes home when he’s not working. He gives his wife his attention and his effort and it’s clear that she is where his priority is.

I suspect that in time, you’ll get more information about what ended the affair. But for now, take it one step at a time. See how attentive and sincere he is. And see if he does what he says he’s going to do. This attention to detail will often give you a little more information. You don’t have to blindly believe him, especially so soon. But if there’s a chance that he’s ended the relationship, then that is a legitimate reason for relief.

I did question that the affair was really over.  But after a while, it was obvious that if the affair was continuing, it was doing so without them spending any time together.  My husband was at home when he wasn’t working.  And when he was working, he checked in and asked me to meet him for lunch on most days.  He simply didn’t have time for another relationship. There’s more to read on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s no great mystery as to why women whose husbands have cheated can lose sexual confidence. To put it bluntly, your husband has had sex with someone else. So it’s perfectly natural to wonder if this action was at least partly motivated by the fact that he doesn’t find sex with you enjoyable or fulfilling enough. And this is true from women from all walks of life. Even beautiful and confident women have these worries.

A wife might explain: “I don’t want my sex life to wither and die even though my husband had an affair. I worry if I don’t have sex with him, he’s just going to be tempted to go right back out and cheat again even though he swears that the affair was not about sex at all. So, I do it and I do it fairly regularly. But, I am in emotional pain all through out it. Sometimes, I look at my husband and he appears to be into it and he looks like he enjoys himself. And I know that this should make me feel better. But then I start to think well maybe my husband would enjoy it with anyone at all. Maybe he just needs a warm body to be happy and to get a release and that is all. And maybe he is even thinking of someone else while we are having sex. The other woman, perhaps? Or maybe all along he has been fantasizing about other women – beautiful women who look better than me. If I’m being honest, I’m no slouch in the looks department. I mean, I am pretty for my age. People tell me this all of the time. I keep myself fit. I take care of my skin. I have a nice smile. And my husband has never complained about sex with me and has always seemed enthusiastic about it. But I just can’t have sex with him without thinking that he is turned on only because he is tuned out and thinking of someone else or putting himself someplace else with his thoughts. I don’t dare ask him about this because if he were to confirm my suspicions, it would devastate me and I don’t know how I could get over it.”

I feel this deeply. I understand your feelings. They are very common. But they are possibly incorrect. Because you are likely projecting your fears onto the situation. You may be completely wrong about what your husband is feeling. He may be completely into it and enjoying himself immensely, but you don’t see that because you’re afraid and not feeling so good about yourself.

He Is Likely Worried Too: It may make you feel better to know that I hear from a lot of men in this situation and many of them tell me that they are every bit as worried about the sex as you are. They are not worried about themselves  and their enjoyment level – because they are enjoying it. But they are worried about whether you are enjoying it. And they are worried if you are doing it freely because you want to or because you just feel pressured. And they sometimes hold back on their enthusiasm because of this. They are afraid you will see them really getting into it and you will think that – like you said – they could basically have sex with anyone, with any type of woman or any body type and get what they need out of it. This isn’t true, but they are worried that this is what you are thinking.

You May Be Completely Wrong And He Could Be Enjoying Every Precious Second: I tell you this because I want for you to see that your assumptions aren’t always correct and I want for you to see that he could be every bit as worried about this as you are. Because frankly, a lot of the time, a remorseful husband is actually more into sex. And the reason is because now there is the threat of losing you. Now he knows exactly what he has and is he is aware that the risk he’s put on his marriage.

Don’t Drag Your Baggage Into Your Bedroom: Here’s one more thing to consider. You could very well be taking your fears with you into the bedroom. Do you know what men find sexier than anything else? A woman is who isn’t afraid to take what she wants and enjoy herself. A woman who is an active participant in sex. If your fears are keeping you from this, you should know that it’s not your appearance, your body, or your sexiness level that might be holding you back. It is your inability to engage because you are afraid.

That is why I strongly encourage you to give yourself permission to do any and everything to raise your self esteem and to give you to groove back. This means different things to different women. Some of us focus on our appearance. Some focus on our body image. Some really seek out those things that make us feel good about ourselves. And some focus on our marriage knowing that our healthy body image will eventually return once our marriage gets on track. You can do any combination of these things or anything that appeals to you as long as you actively work on restoring your confidence.

Please remember that nothing about you has changed. You are every bit as beautiful and sexy as you were the day before you were aware of this. What has changed is how you connect your self image to the affair. And that is what you should focus on changing right now.

I struggled with this too – for quite a while in fact.  But then I realized that sex is vital to a pleasurable life and a sound marriage.  And I realized that I deserved this in my life.  So I educated myself on intimacy and I gave myself permission to participate in self care that would restore my confidence.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: As you are struggling to navigate the days after you find out about your spouse’s affair, it can become clear that, in order to ever move past this, both you and your spouse are going to have to put forth a great deal of effort. Recovery doesn’t happen on its own, but those couples who don’t recover can continue to struggle in a marriage that makes them both miserable.

It can feel unfair to the faithful spouse that they have to put up a considerable amount of effort. After all, they didn’t cheat. They did nothing wrong. So why are they now faced with this huge obstacle that is going to require all of this work?

Because of the inequality of it all, it can become very tempting to keep score and to insist that your spouse is the one who should be mostly responsible for the recovery. A wife might say: “it took me quite a while to convince my husband to be honest about his affair. I would ask him what made him do this and he would always tell me that he didn’t know why he did what he did. Finally though, after I would not accept that answer, he admitted that I was concerned more with the kids than with him. He said that I’d let our sex life slide and I was no longer that playful woman who he loved to be with more than anyone else. He told me that in order for him to truly be happy in our marriage, I would have to put more emphasis on the physical side of it. I told him that I could do that, but that I do not want to be physical with him when he doesn’t compliment me and treat me nice in the way that he used to. He agreed that he would make an effort in that department. I told him that I also needed for him to be accountable about spending more time at home. Well, weeks have gone by since that conversation and he hasn’t made good on his promises. He told me that I haven’t made the effort either. He says we’ve only had sex a couple of times. He said that it’s up to me to make the effort first. I think that this is ridiculous. The person who cheated has to make the most effort. Isn’t this true?”

I do agree with you that most people assume that the biggest initiative must come from the spouse who cheated. They are the ones who caused the damage and so they are the ones who are mostly responsible.

However, in reality, it often takes effort by both parties to make things right again. If the cheating spouse is the only one making any changes, then he can feel resentful. If the faithful spouse doesn’t see any changes, they can feel distrust and suspicion. And, if either party continues to be unhappy in the marriage, then you are vulnerable to future cheating or unhappiness.

Overcoming all of this is difficult and it takes work from everyone. I know that it is just human nature to keep score when someone hurts you. But, you have to be practical. You have to decide if it is more important to keep score or if it is more important to you to have a sound, recovered, and healthy marriage which makes you happy.

Because if you want that, then there’s just no way around putting in the work. It doesn’t magically happen. And it’s not going to happen if both people do not feel that they are getting what you need out of your marriage. Expressing what it is going to take to make your marriage fulfilling is a very good first step that you’ve already taken. Not every one is willing to do this.

So you have a good start. Now it is time for you both to show you’re serious about making those efforts and those changes. Sometimes, both spouses are waiting for the other to act first. No one wants to be the one who is trying so hard while the other does nothing. This is understandable. No ones wants to feel like they are the only one who cares. The problem is that while you’re both waiting, no progress is being made. Someone has to be the first to make the good faith effort. Someone has to decide that recovery is more important than waiting and watching.

Think about it for a second. What is it that you want the most? Most of us just want to be happy and to have peace and faith in our lives again. It’s very difficult to have this if no one is trying. And it’s silly when he’s not trying because you’re both keeping score. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person. Because I’d suspect that if you make an effort, you will see him making one too. It basically feeds on itself and forms a cycle. You give a little and then he does. You get a little and then he does. You’re encouraged by his effort and so you put in more of your own effort and he reciprocates.

So while I think in theory that it’s the cheating spouse who should take more initiative, I often know that this isn’t always reality. It often takes effort on the part of both spouses and a willingness to stop keeping score.  Sometimes, I was resentful of all of the counseling and soul searching after my husband’s affair.  But now I can look back and see that it was more than worth it.  Because if we hadn’t made that effort, we might still be very unhappy.  And life is really too short to be unhappy. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It is normal to want to talk at length after you find out your spouse has been cheating. You often have a lot of emotions that you need to release. And you want your spouse to understand what you are feeling. Although many spouse’s seem willing to listen right after the affair is discovered, it’s not uncommon to see their willingness to listen waning quickly.

A wife might explain: “when I first found out about my husband’s affair, he stuck to me like glue. He seemed to be so scared that I was going to leave him. I knew that I wasn’t going to leave, but I didn’t share this with him. Because I thought that it wouldn’t be a bad thing if he was worried. I wanted him to be scared so that he would think twice about cheating again. Early on, he told me that he wanted to know everything that I was thinking and feeling. He sat there patiently while I talked. He listened and seemed empathetic. But this quickly passed. Now when I want to talk, I look at his face and it’s all scrunched up. He will sigh heavily. He sits and he does listen, but it’s clear he’d rather be anywhere else. Last night, we were talking and I said: ‘when this first happened, you told me that you wanted to hear my feelings. Is that not true anymore? Are you not interested in this anymore?’ His response was that he was still interested, but it seems like I’m saying the same thing every time. Maybe I am, but it’s a lot to take. Are men really interested in your feelings after their affair? Or are they just pretending to placate you?”

I think that they are interested. But what you are saying can be hurtful to them because they know that they are the cause of it. This is normal. In their hearts, they want to know what you’re feeling and they want for you to share your thought process. But every time they hear your words, it just drives home the point that they have done tons of damage to their marriage and they have hurt someone that they love. This isn’t always easy to hear.

And, your husband isn’t alone in saying that your message is somewhat repetitive. I do hear from a lot of husbands who say the same thing – that they want to help their spouse heal after their cheating but that after a while, it can feel as if you are not making progress because you’re hashing out the same old things every time.

Of course, you have every right to repeat yourself. This is a hard thing to deal with. No one can expect you to need to say or discuss something only once. We are not talking about something simple like him forgetting to do something he’s promised that is mostly benign and innocent. We are talking about cheating. That is whole different level of a mistake.

However, in order to make real progress and to feel some relief, sometimes you have to be deliberate in how you are handling this. You don’t want to say something so much that it loses its effectiveness. A counselor (or just you being very deliberate) can help you with this. It helps to try to have most of your difficult discussions in your counselor’s office (or at a set time at home.) Because she can help to keep you on track. And she can get to the heart of what you are really wanting to communicate.  Sometimes, we think we are saying what we mean, but we aren’t being crystal clear.

If you are not in counseling, then one way to improve this is to try to have very specific, non negotiable times to talk about your feelings. If you just blurt out everything that comes into your head exactly when you experience it, your husband feels as if he’s always on his guard and he can honestly start to tune you out. But if you limit these conversations to a set time (with it ending after a certain period of time,) he is more likely to give you his undivided attention and you are much more likely to feel that you are being heard.

Another thing that you can do is to try to be very specific so that it doesn’t sound like you are saying the same thing over and over. Rather than repeating general phrases like “I feel hurt and betrayed,” you want to really try to get to the heart of the matter. Try to really say what you mean. Examples are very specific phrases like: “I worry that I will not trust you. I worry that you are not attracted to me anymore. I worry that we can’t get the intimacy back.” This tells your husband much more about the obstacles that must be overcome and he is more likely to give you thoughtful responses and actions.

I hope I’ve addressed what you wanted to know. Men often are interested. But they will also sometimes try to protect themselves by zoning out or feeling defensive, even if this isn’t their intention and they do not realize that they are doing it. It hurts them to realize what they’ve done. And it’s normal to want to minimize that pain. So, you have to be deliberate so that your message is really heard and addressed.

I experienced this frustrating issue also.  I think that, at times, my husband thought that our talks were just meant to punish him or to rehash things when I was trying to be genuine.  It helped quite a bit to limit the talks to a set time.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Very few wives truly buy their husband’s excuses for having an affair. Even if you can see a little bit of validity in what he is saying, very few of us can go from seeing a somewhat valid point to totally excusing him for cheating on us. We often think he’s just flinging ridiculous excuses our way – especially if he goes so far as to claim the marriage was over before the affair even happened.

A wife might say: “I can not believe what kind of nonsense my husband is trying to feed me. I caught him cheating with a woman at his work who I have always intensely disliked. I never trusted this woman and I always felt like she had questionable intentions toward my husband. I always felt like she was just waiting for her opportunity to pounce. My husband told me that I was paranoid and crazy. Well, it’s not so crazy now because he’s been cheating with her for about six weeks. I asked him how he could risk our marriage over someone as low class as this woman. His response to me was: ‘I considered our marriage over at the time. Our marriage was dead to me long before I even thought of her in that way.’ I have to admit that this stopped me in my tracks. He never had any negative things to say about our marriage at that time. He seemed reasonably happy, to be honest. None of this makes any sense because he’s suggesting that maybe we go to counseling and he’s not making any move to leave. Why isn’t he moving out if he thinks our marriage is over? If he was so unhappy before, why isn’t he getting out of here and going to be with her? He says that he has no interest in her anymore and that he’s open to see what is going to happen with us. I have my doubts though, because of what he said. Why would he say our marriage was over to him and now be showing this interest?”

Well, this is only my opinion, but it appears that there are a couple of possibilities. The first is that he’s exaggerating the claim that he thought the marriage was over. Sometimes, people don’t want to face the enormity of what they have done, so they will try to diminish it by acting like it wasn’t that great of a loss anyway. The claim that the affair wasn’t so catastrophic because the marriage was over beforehand would be a good example of this. He’s trying to make it seem as the affair didn’t have a consequence because the ending might have been the same.

The second possibility is that he may have thought some variation of the thoughts he’s claiming, but now that he’s faced with the reality that his marriage might end, he’s singing a different tune. He may not have anticipated how much he would panic or be saddened at the thought of losing you or the marriage.

The truth is, people caught cheating will come up with a large variety of excuses. Some of the time, they believe or buy into their excuses and sometimes, they don’t. But I believe that you have to take things said right after the affair is discovered with a grain of salt. People panic. People realize that they have to say something dramatic. And emotions can make both sides say things that they don’t mean.

I think the more important question (which you might not be able to answer so soon) is what do you want now? Where do you go from this place? You may not even know if he really thought the marriage was over before the affair. This could be completely untrue. But, it’s probably more important to know how he truly thinks right now. How does he see the marriage today? How do you see it? Are you willing to accept that you might see it differently if healing takes place? Are you open that healing might be possible?

As I said, sometimes, you are not ready to answer these questions so soon after the affair. And that is fine and understandable.  You don’t need to pressure yourself.  But I think if you aren’t sure about the validity of the excuses he’s giving, then perhaps you turn your attention away from that for just a while. The truth has a way of coming out in time. For now, perhaps you just accept that he might be giving you the excuse that he believes will make him seem the least guilty. This certainly doesn’t mean it’s true. And if it is true, that will come out in time.

But in the beginning, it’s best to take things day by day. The panic at being caught cheating will cause you to blurt out all sorts of excuses that you didn’t really think out completely. And the shock at making this discovery will sometimes cause you (the faithful spouse) to say all kinds of vile things and to hurl insults that you truly don’t mean. This is normal when emotions are this high.

I definitely said things that I didn’t mean to my husband.  This happened several times in the first couple of weeks.  I actually thought I meant them at the time, but now I can look back and see how far from reality they actually were.  It may be the same with your husband.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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