Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  It’s normal to have some doubts when you’ve caught your spouse in an affair that he is now claiming is completely over.  After all, how are you just supposed to believe him when he’s been lying all along?  And if the affair was so important to him that he risked detection, does it make sense that he would break it off – just like that?

Many of us will try to approach our husbands looking for reassurance.  Some husbands give it.  Others are resentful that we can’t let it go.  Regardless of the response, many of us still have our doubts.  Because for a while, it truly doesn’t matter what he says.  Any words out of his mouth are going to be questioned by us, simply because an affair is such a huge lie.

So, if we can’t get our information from him, what does this leave us with? Many of us figure that this leaves us with spying and trying to find out any helpful information on our own.  But very few people react positively when they find out that someone has been spying on them.  So you are sometimes caught in a situation where you feel that you need to spy in order to find out what you need to know, but this is just one more aspect of your marriage that is being damaged.

A wife might explain this situation: “I feel so stupid to admit this, but I did not suspect my husband of cheating.  I did not notice anything at all different.  The only reason I caught him is because I happened to be running errands and I walked by a restaurant and happened to look in the window.  I saw a man standing in line and I knew that it was my husband.  A woman was standing with him with her arm around his waist. So I stood there and watched and it was clear they were together.  Once they sat down, I walked up to the cash register so that my husband could see me.  Once we made eye contact, I left. He followed me but I would not turn around.  Since that time, he has begged me not to leave him.  He claims that he has told me everything that I wanted to know.  He comes right home after work.  Most of the time, he comes home for lunch or I meet him for lunch, so he clearly can not be continuing to cheat at lunch.  The problem is that there is this little voice telling me that he might still be cheating and that there is something I don’t know.  So I have taken to spying. I look on his phone, his email, and even his pager.  I’ve looked around in his car.  He has caught me in some of this, but not all of it.  And every time he does catch me, he acts either sad or angry.  He says that all I need to do is ask him and he will give me the information.  But he says that I can’t not trust him forever.”

I understand why you feel the need to check up.  I don’t know a wife who doesn’t feel this way.  I will admit that I suffered from some serious paranoia in the time period after my husband’s affair.  I assumed that every lateness meant that he was cheating. Or that every claim was a lie.  Not surprisingly, this lack of trust hurt our progress.  And I eventually stopped.  But in the beginning, I just truly could not help myself.

I eventually began to taper off on the spying when I realized that all this was doing was keeping me from moving forward.  It was taking time away from my children and it was only making me feel unhappy.  I wasn’t finding anything and I wasn’t sure if I should feel relieved or disappointed.  So I made a deal with myself. And with my husband.  If I had no reason to have suspicions, then I would not spy.  However, if he gave me a reason to wonder, then I would have at it.  He agreed with this and told me that all I had to do was ask him for access to anything.  He essentially gave my free reign on anything that I wanted to see.  That didn’t stop me from checking in on my own. though.

But do you know what I found?  Most of the time, claims of bad traffic or delays in getting home were legitimate.  I was just seeing wrongdoing in everything that was completely innocent.  Sometimes, people do get held up and are late for really innocent reasons.  Of course, it’s different if he’s ALWAYS late or you keep catching him in lies.  I don’t know your situation.  But in mine, there weren’t any huge red flags.  But I felt unsure anyway.

What I was reacting to was my inability to trust because of the pain of the affair.  I was caught off guard once and I didn’t want it to happen again.  But all of the distrust made me feel out of control and just produced more pain.  That’s why I think that, rather than spying and getting caught, it’s just better to agree to an open door policy.  Perhaps you agree not to overreact when there’s no obvious reason to do so, and he agrees to allow you access to whatever you need if there is a legitimate concern.

I think this method is preferable than going behind his back and spying.  Because doing so just perpetuates the distrust and the defensiveness.  And when you are trying to heal, what you want is open communication and a give and take instead of both of you keeping secrets or doing things behind each other’s back.  That just leads to more distrust and secrets.

I won’t tell you this is easy.  You have to make an effort to ask yourself if your concerns are truly valid. If they aren’t, you have to distract yourself or turn your attention elsewhere.  This can be hard because you’re fighting that crazy little voice in the back of your head.  In time, you learn how to quiet that voice.  But in the meantime, you just have to force yourself to stop and take it one day at a time. There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I hear from a lot of wives who have a noticeable focus on the “other woman” in the affair.   We know that this isn’t always healthy, but we can’t seem to help it.  It’s common sense to know that we shouldn’t spend a lot of time thinking about or, worse, communicating with her. But this is sometimes much easier said than done. Some wives hate her but can’t stay away. Others are very curious about and want to understand her. Some even forge a sort of relationship with her, but then are hurt and confused when this doesn’t go well in the end.

A wife might say: “I admit that my trying to reach out to the other woman was really my attempt to keep her away from my husband. I wanted to know what made her think it was OK to cheat with married man. I wanted to know how the relationship started. I wanted to know what my husband told her about me. She was actually apologetic from the start and she told me that she would not keep the relationship going and would get out of our lives. A couple of weeks after that, I found a text that she had sent my husband and I confronted her. She told me that my husband had become an important support system for her emotionally and that it was hard to let that go. I told her that I was asking her to let that go anyway because we need her out of our lives to start over. I told her she can not imagine how much all of this hurts me.  I told her to put herself in my shoes. Her response to me was that she ‘couldn’t fully understand’ my pain because at this point, I’m making a choice to stay with a man who cheated on me.  She said because I am am making informed choice, my pain is partially my fault. She says that we are all adults here and I should be mad at my husband, not at her. I’m very disappointed that she can not see my side of this. How can she not see and understand my pain?”

I think that if you understand one basic truth, the rest might make sense. It is sometimes human nature to focus on yourself before others. Not every one is going to give you what you want if it means that, in order to do so, they have to deny themselves from having what they want.

She may very well feel sympathy for you, but at the end of the day, her desire to continue the relationship may be greater than any sympathy which she might feel. I know that this doesn’t seem fair, but I think it may be a mistake to put your future in her hands. She has her own agenda. And if she was all that caring and sympathetic, she may have thought twice about cheating in the first place.

I think that better strategy would be to turn your attention away from her and place it on your marriage. Your husband is the most logical person to approach about ending the affair. And if he is serious about ending it and he makes that intention clear to her, then it will end. The other woman can’t force him to be in a relationship that he does not willingly want to be in. She can keep trying to communicate, but he can ignore her or change his number.

Also, it doesn’t make sense to invest time, effort, and energy in a relationship that should not continue and doesn’t matter. Do you really want to keep this woman in your life? Why not take that energy and time and invest it in your marriage, which is a relationship that you want to pursue for the long term?

Frankly, reaching out to her and trying to appeal to her conscience gives her a bit of power over you. It makes you feel helpless because you have to worry about whether or not she’s going to do the right thing. I would want to take that power back.

I would worry more about expressing my pain to someone who actually cares about you (like your legitimate friends and family) or to someone who is qualified to hear it (a therapist.) This is only my opinion. I’m not a mental health expert. But it’s been my experience that the faster you leave the other woman behind in your thoughts and in your actions, the faster you can start to move on.

Worrying about whether she understands or sympathizes is pointless. She’s already shown that the person she cares the most about is herself. Continuing to have any sort of communication and relationship with her (regardless of the reason) just keeps this all going. It keeps her in your life. That is the last thing you should want.

I do understand your thought process, but I have never seen this work out well. The other woman will often have the mentality to be defensive first and to carry out her own agenda second. Even if you can make her feel guilt or sympathy, you can’t control what she thinks or does.

But you can control what you do and how you proceed. And the best way to proceed is to focus on those people who really matter.

I had some curiosity about the other woman in the beginning, but the idea of her having any power over me drove me crazy.  So I turned my attention elsewhere.  I had to redirect myself at first, but after a short time, it became a lot easier because I had many other things to address.  You can read more about that process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: A lot of spouses who have been caught cheating are extremely interested in “starting over” or “wiping the slate clean” when it comes to their marriage. And you can see why this would appeal to them. The sooner they are able to place the focus on the new and improved marriage, the sooner that the focus can be off of them and the affair.

That’s not to say that starting over doesn’t also sometimes appeal to the faithful spouse. No one wants to dwell on something so painful. So it can very tempting to take your spouse up on the whole “starting over” offer, especially if he’s offering something that you wanted all along.

A wife might say: “for the last five years, I have begged my husband to consider having another child. He always told me that we could not afford it quite yet. He knows how badly I wanted this, but I tried to be patient. And he repaid me for my patience by cheating with this hideous woman from his work. I found out because I am close with another co worker and she couldn’t bear to see me lied to this way. So she told me and when I confronted my husband, he panicked and told me that he would call her right then and break it off, which he did. He never wavered when he claimed that he did not want to end our marriage or give up our family. I do believe this because he is wonderful father who adores his kids. What I have doubts about is how much he really loves me. If he loved me like he should, he would not have cheated. I know that we have just started this process, but I feel like trust is going to be a major issue for me. I feel like we’re going to have a difficult road. He told me that he would go to counseling or do whatever I need him to do. I have not started looking at counselors yet. I am overwhelmed. Last night, he grabbed my hand, gazed into my eyes and he said: ‘I know that I have hurt you. And I know that it seems like things are terrible right now, but we really can get through this. We really can reinvent our marriage. I think that we should start over and have a baby.’ I was stunned by this and a little heart broken. I have all but begged him to have a baby and nothing could change his mind. And now suddenly he gets busted having an affair and he wants to be a father again. I think that the timing of this is just a little too convenient. I am so tempted to say OK because I want another baby so badly, but in my heart, I know it’s not the best idea.”

Well, it may not always be a bad idea – if you are thinking well into the future. But it probably isn’t the best idea for right this minute. Marriages do recover from affairs. And couples do go on and expand their families quite successfully. But usually, a lot of healing and rebuilding has to happen first. And this just takes time and work. There are no short cuts, unfortunately. And it’s my observation that couples who take the short cuts end up with trust and resentment issues. It takes time to restore that trust and to feel confident in your marriage again.

That’s why it’s probably not the best idea to rush into anything – including adding to your family. That’s not to say that you can never do this or that you have to put it off forever. But you can revisit it once you feel your marriage is back on solid ground again.

And there is nothing wrong with explaining this to your husband. You might try something like this: “you know that I want to have another baby with you. And I’d love to do that in the future. But I don’t think that the timing is right. We have a lot of healing to do and I would like for our focus to be on only that. If we have a baby, we might rush or hurry the healing process and that isn’t in the best interest of our family. I want to make sure that any new baby is born into the healthiest and the happiest family possible. This gives us a concrete goal and that is a good thing. Why don’t we revisit this issue in a couple of months and see how we feel about it then? For now, I just think that it is too soon and that things are too raw. I need to wait and see how I am going to feel in the future. But I would be open to this eventually – assuming that we make enough progress.

You said that your husband is willing to do what needs to be done – and that should include being patient. I suspect that he will understand. He may have been honestly trying to make you happy, but he has to realize that the timing just isn’t right.

I know that this must be hard.  You could have what you’ve been wanting at the cost of turning a blind eye to the affair.  But, I think if you just buy some time and tell him you want to revisit it eventually, you might still be able to get what you want and at the right time also.  If I had rushed things after my husband’s affair, I know I would have continued to have trust issues.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: As if dealing with your husband’s affair isn’t bad enough, the uncertainty about what is going to happen next can be very hard to deal with. Sure, you may not even be certain that you want to stay married, but the idea of a divorce might be something that you don’t want to encounter for now. But when you attempt to ask your husband about this, he may refuse to speak on the topic, which can leave you with even more uncertainty at a time when this is the last thing that you need.

A wife might say: “I honestly have no idea what I want to happen with my marriage. I need time to process my husband’s affair. I am still in shock. However, even so, I find myself wondering about how he is feeling with all of this. At one point I got very frustrated and I lashed out at my husband with: ‘are we heading for divorce, then? Is that what you’ve done? Completely destroyed our marriage with your affair so that there is no hope?’ He did not answer me and he left the room. There have been other times where I’ve lead the conversation by saying things like: ‘well, after we’re divorced, we’ll have to work together regarding the children….’ but my husband never takes the bait with this. It is as if he refuses to even put talk of a divorce on the table. Why is this?”

Well, I can only speculate about this. But there could be a few reasons for his avoidance of that topic. I will discuss them below.

He May Think That Talk Of A Divorce Is Premature: To be honest, it can take a couple quite a while to get to a point where both spouses can begin to evaluate where they are in this process and what they might want going forward. As you well know, immediately after the affair, feelings are so raw and painful that it is almost impossible to be objective or to have the distance necessary to make a sound decision. Honestly, after my husband’s affair, I was just reacting to anger and shock. I did not have the ability to have a sound thought process for quite a while.

Your husband may realize this and know that it’s probably best not to make any permanent or important decisions right now.

He May Think That You Are Baiting Him To Get A Reaction: Another reason that your spouse may hesitate to respond to you is that he’s often not sure if you are just trying to get a reaction out of him. He may not even be sure how you want for him to react. There may be some confusion as to whether or not he is supposed to say: “of course I don’t want a divorce.”  He may be unsure about whether or not you truly want one and he’s going to therefore be rejected when he indicates that he wants to reconcile.

In short, he may be confused as to what type of response you want out of him, so he may think that it is actually “safer” for him to say nothing and to wait it out.

Getting Him To Show More Of His True Feelings: I know that what you’re really trying to do is to get him to reveal his feelings. But you have to understand that he is probably afraid to do that. He knows that you are very angry with him and are trying hard to get a reaction. So it’s natural that he’s guarded and unsure as to what type of truth you are looking for.

I think that the better strategy is to know that this might take a little time. Sure, he could try to tell you what you want to hear, but frankly, both of you may well know that it’s too soon to make these types of determinations.

In my experience, the best that you can hope for early on is some sort of commitment to try to get help before you make any lasting decisions. I found this to be a nice compromise. Because I couldn’t honestly tell my husband that I wasn’t going to divorce him. I had no way to know that at the time. But what I was willing to do was to vow that, for the sake of my kids, I wasn’t going to make any rash decisions and that I would listen to the opinions of professionals and my own heart long before I made any decisions that were going to affect my family.

In this way, I couldn’t predict a divorce or a reconciliation. But I could predict that I wasn’t going to make snap decisions that might cause regret. Yes, marriages damaged by affairs do sometimes end in divorce. But we often can’t make this call immediately, especially when one or both parties are not sure where they want to go from here.

I know that uncertainly is hard and that you want more information about your husband’s feelings. But look at it this way. At least he’s not telling you a divorce is imminent. And he’s probably holding back because he isn’t really sure what you want.

I’d suggest giving it a little time and knowing that your feelings are going to change as time passes and you have more information, insights, and the ability to think rationally rather than just going off of your raw emotions.

I know that it’s almost impossible to be patient right now.  But truly, feelings, perceptions and wishes can change rapidly in this environment.  And reacting to the same can cause regrettable actions.  I learned this the hard way. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives describe the anger that they feel when finding out their husband cheated as being unlike any they have ever known.  They are so mad that they don’t even trust themselves to be in their husband’s presence.  They are quite sure that they are going to do or say something that every one is going to regret.  And often, they feel quite justified in this – until their husband or their friends or family tell them that they can’t continue on in this way.

Someone might say: “it makes me sick to see my husband scrambling like he is now that I have caught him having an affair.  It’s like he’s panicked. Of course, he wasn’t panicking when he was carrying out his cheating.  I told him I wanted him out of the house.  He begged me to stay.  He told me that we would both regret this.  I didn’t care and I honestly still do not.  I am not even remotely ready to sit down and look him in the eye.  I do not want to see him face to face.  He keeps asking me out for coffee. I do not want to have coffee with him.  I do not enjoy talking to or texting with him, but that is preferable to a face to face meeting at this point.  He says that I can’t refuse to be in his presence forever.  I know that, but I have no immediate plans to see him.  I don’t trust myself to not say something very hurtful and I don’t see any benefit to a face to face meeting.  Some of my friends say that I am taking this too far.  They say that I am being silly.  Are they right? Should I force myself to face him?  I don’t see any reason to do so, at least right now.  He can say whatever he needs to say to me on the phone.”

I honestly do understand your thought process.  I felt the same way.  Obviously, since I am still married, I got over my feelings on this.  But for a while there, my husband stayed somewhere else and we did not see each other.  We did talk.  He did spend time with our kids.  I would have never have kept him from them.  Not seeing me did not include not seeing his children.  I was very committed to making sure that his relationship with them did not change and was not in any way affected by the affair.  I was very clear that my marriage and his parenthood were completely different.  So if there are kids involved here, please consider all factors.

It probably isn’t realistic to think that you will never sit down in person and talk about this.  That would not be healthy.  It would ultimately be running away. Even if you aren’t going to save your marriage, you want to finish this out in a healthy way so that you don’t carry it with you moving forward. But there is nothing wrong with waiting until you are ready.

It is not as if you are not communicating with him.  When time passes and things have calmed down and you have started to consider seeing him, it may be easier to do it initially in counseling.  I know that you are worried about things getting out of hand or losing control when you are in his presence.  That’s why having a third party there, especially one who knows how to deal with this effectively, can be a really good idea.

Counselors have dealt with this countless times.  They know how to keep things calm and they know how to ease both of you into communicating in a positive way.  But to address the initial issue, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking some time away to allow the situation to calm down.  You have the right to say how you want the communication to go and what form you want it in.

I think it’s better to know and set your boundaries than to force yourself into a situation where you know that things could go badly and might only get worse.  Sure, people will certainly give you their opinions and tell you that you’re being silly.  But their opinion doesn’t make it true.  The people giving the opinions are not in the marriage.  You are.  And it really is not for them to say.

I had to limit what I told people after my husband’s affair.  Because having to listen to people tell me what I should do or what they would do in similar circumstances became upsetting and it really did nothing to help me.  Plus it made me constantly second guess myself.  I decided that I would take input from therapists and myself and no one else.   This worked out pretty well.  You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s absolutely normal to feel furious and spiteful after you find out that your spouse has had an affair. It’s normal to want to hurt them as much as they have hurt you.  But, when you get into the habit of constantly insulting your spouse, then you may open up a door that you might later regret – depending on what you want moving forward.

A wife might describe this type of situation: “I honestly still do not understand how my husband attracted the other woman.  I am just being completely honest when I say that my husband is overweight and not all that attractive.  He used to be when he was younger, but he is not now.  He can be rude and self-centered.  He’s not consistently sweet or considerate. We are by no means rich, but we are somewhat financially secure.  However, ever since my husband found this other woman, he thinks that he is all that.  He struts around like he is Brad Pitt or something.  It makes me sick.  He is always bragging about himself.  He recently agreed to ‘take a break’ from the other woman to see if we could revive our marriage for the sake of our kids.  I may want that in the future. I concede that this is probably the best thing.  But I can not get a handle on my anger. I find myself saying all sorts of nasty things to him.  I think that my goal is to almost knock him down off his pedestal.  I will tell him that he’s fat.  Or that his table manners are disgusting.  And that he is so awkward that he looks like Frankenstein when he tries to hug me.  Of course he gets angry at this, which only makes me hurl more insults his way.  I know that this is probably not the right thing to do, but I can not seem to help myself.  I want to take him down a notch.  His ego is sickening and unjustified.  He is not all that.  He’s a middle aged man who is average looking at best.  I know that some men who aren’t that attractive get women because they are sweet.  But my husband is not really all that sweet.  So for whatever reason, he lucked out by attracting this woman. I am not sure what she wants from him. But I don’t want him thinking that he’s totally great because of it.”

I understand where you are coming from. It’s maddening and difficult to watch this process.  He is in the wrong, but he can’t necessarily see it because he seems to be riding high and is full of himself.

What I am about to say may not seem to help at first.  But if you can really think about it, I think that it puts things in perspective.  Men often have affairs to feel better.  They may want to feel younger.  They may want to feel relevant again.  They may want to feel more attractive or more powerful.

Why? Because deep down, they know that they are on the decline.  They know that they are aging and that their looks are changing.  This is painful.  And hard to deal with.  So one way to avoid dealing with it is to have an affair and pump up your ego. Now, as he is doing this, does he really think that he’s all that?  Not deep down, but he’s probably constantly trying to pump himself up and make it appear so.

The point that I am trying to make is this. Your husband may well be acting out of insecurity. Sure, he is probably desperately trying to appear confident.  But the whole affair was an attempt to address his own doubts. So, your insulting him is not telling him anything that he does not already know.

But it can make your reconciliation much more difficult.  And it is modeling troubling behavior for your children, who ideally should be spared from as much of the fall out of the affair as you can possibly manage.

Of course you are mad at him.  How could you not be?  But trying to make him feel insecure and badly about himself is just feeding into the process of him having an affair in the first place.  It just reinforces the behavior that you do not want.  Releasing these feelings with a counselor (instead of with him) can help to keep you on track and can bring your attention to places where you’re going off track and not accomplishing anything.   Plus, it gives you a place to redirect all of that anger.

Because having your husband be a target of that anger is understandable, but it really only makes things worse – not better.  And the real goal is to make things better – regardless of what happens in your marriage.  Sharing the negativity that you feel doesn’t hurt your husband as much as you might think.  It only spreads the misery around.  And it potentially allows him to justify his behavior: “my wife is so mean and insulting. No wonder I cheated on her.”

I found out the hard way that you actually make more progress (and heal faster) if you direct your anger at the act (the affair) rather than personally attacking the person (your husband.)  Because the person will get defensive and may try to hurt you back. That doesn’t accomplish anything. Deep down, you want him to be sorry and to not cheat again.  But insulting him only makes his sorrow less likely and his cheating again more likely.

I am not telling  you not to be angry.  It is understandable that you are.  But it greatly helps to learn how to direct that anger so that it is a release that is not adding to your issues.  It was difficult for me to direct my anger at first.  Journaling was extremely helpful. I was ruthless and cruel in my journal, but no one knew it but me.   The more anger I released, the less I felt it in real time.  You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s normal to have doubts about your spouse’s motivations when they chose their marriage after an affair. Did he choose you because the other woman broke it off? Did he choose you out of guilt? Because of the kids? Very few of us believe that he chose us simply because we are who he wanted – plain and simple. An affair can diminish your self esteem like nothing else. A lot of the time, these fears are thankfully not realized. But what happens when your spouse actually admits that your fears are true? What if it is only about the kids?

Here’s a common scenario. A wife might say: “when I found out about my husband’s affair, I told him that I was not going to play second fiddle. And I told him that I would not wait around. I hoped that my being very direct in this way would encourage him to end it right away. He did not. He told me that he did, but I caught him continuing to call and text. He probably could not see her very often because I kept him on a very short leash, but that did not keep him from keeping in touch. I kept telling him that I knew what he was doing, but this did not stop him. I made the mistake of telling my kids. I know that any expert would tell me not to involve my children, but I could not help it. I did not want for them to blame me if there was a divorce. After about a month of my husband sneaking around, I didn’t see any more evidence. He ended it. At that time, I didn’t ask him why because I didn’t really care. While working on our marriage, I will admit that I have had a lot of insecurities. And it frustrates my husband. And usually he will tell me that I worry too much. But last night, he got upset with me and admitted that he stayed only because my children asked him to. He said if we did not have children, he would still be with the other woman. What am I supposed to do with this? If I end it because of this knowledge, then I am the one who broke up my kids’ home.”

I know that this is an incredibly difficult situation. It is probably hard to think rationally because of all of the emotions involved. That is why I would suggest not making any decisions that are going to be important or lasting because they might be tainted with emotion instead of logic.

After you have taken some time, I think that the most important question to ask yourself is what do you truly want. I know that the kids influence your decision and I believe that they should. I freely admit that they influenced mine. I do not think that it is possible to be an effective parent and not to also consider your children’s home life and upbringing. My parents were divorced and, without question, it influenced the adult that I became and how I functioned in my own marriage.

However, in some cases, it is not possible or desirable to save the marriage. And I do understand that. But I  believe that if you want to save your marriage and you are both there only because you are committed to trying to save your family, then there is not anything wrong with that and that this is not an impossible situation. I freely admit that was why I stayed in the beginning, I only stayed with my husband because of our kids. I questioned my love for him. I wondered if I would ever trust him again.  But I was willing to attempt to salvage things for my kids.

There were days my kids were the only thing keeping me there. But, over time, I began to realize that I was staying because we were making progress and my feelings were returning. So yes, my kids kept me there initially. But my rebuilt marriage kept me there for the long term.

People do rebuild their marriages. And when they do, the feelings return. So your husband may think that he’s not feeling it for you today. But that is because, right now, your marriage is struggling. When your marriage is strong again, the feelings may be strong again also.

I know it’s hard to get past why he is there. But when you are motivated to save your marriage, the most important thing is that he is there. So, I think you do the best you can, you give it your best shot, and then see where you are after a period of time. If it doesn’t work out, then you know you tried and you know that you did your very best for your kids. But if it does work out, then it was worth the fight – regardless of what the initial reasoning was. At least that’s why I think.

I am sure that my husband didn’t like knowing that I only stayed for the kids, but I believe at that point, he was willing to have me stay for the kids instead of not staying at all.  You can read the rest at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Often, when you suspect your spouse of cheating, you feel a horrible sense of dread. You worry about how awful the confrontation is going to be. And you fear that your spouse is going to deny it, leaving you unsure as to how to get him to confess. There are times, however, when the whole thing doesn’t go as planned. And when this happens, you can be left wondering what it all means. One example is when your spouse confesses, on his own, almost immediately.

Someone might say: “I actually strongly suspected that my husband was going to cheat on me before it even happened. I knew that he had friended an old girlfriend on facebook. I knew that she had almost been pursuing him online – sending emails and photos. I told my husband I did not want him talking to her anymore. I also knew that he was going to see her on his class reunion. To be fair, he invited me to go and I was going to accompany him. However, I had a family emergency that kept me from going. Very stupidly, I told him that it would be OK if he went anyway, as long as he kept to his male friends and did not interact with the old girlfriend. He assured me that he would and told me that he would call and text several times to check in. Well, he never called or checked in. And he ignored me when I texted and tried to call him. The reunion was out of town. So I tried to call his hotel pretty much all night long. He never picked up. So I had a pretty good suspicion about what happened. And I dreaded having to confront him about this and have him deny it. But as soon as he got home, he walked in the door, dropped his bag, and started to cry. He told me that he had been with the other woman and he begged me to forgive him. He didn’t even try to deny it. He admitted it immediately. Is there any significance to this? Why would a man admit it so readily? Is this common?”

I would not call it common, at least in my perception. But it is not as if it never happens. Here are things which I believe may contribute to a man confessing immediately.

Guilt: Many people who I hear from that are having an affair are consumed by guilt and are looking for relief from it. He may have told you to try to release some of that guilt.

Prior Knowledge: Quite frankly, he likely knew that you already had your suspicions. It was almost obvious what might have happened. So, he may have known that he was going to need to come up with a great story in order to explain away what happened. And perhaps he knew that it just wasn’t worth the effort to lie.  Because you were going to doubt him anyway.

Wanting To Do The Right Thing: It’s quite possible that your husband respects you too much to actually look you in the eye and lie to you. It’s also quite possible that he feels a great deal of regret and now wants to do the right thing. The start of that is telling the truth.

Hoping That Being Honest Matters: Once the mistake has been made and the person who cheated comes back to reality,  they’re often overwhelmed with the knowledge that they have put their marriage at risk. Some people who have cheated will literally run toward home and quickly utter all sorts of apologies. The hope behind this is that they want to get on the road to reconciliation right away. So if confessing is a way to jump start this process, so be it. Also, many are hoping that confessing and being honest even when they could have lied before will at least matter a little bit to you. They may well hope that it is better for them to confess than for them to lie and then to be caught in that same lie later.

I don’t have any idea how you feel about any of this reasoning or if it matters to you. But in terms of saving your marriage (assuming that you want this,) I do feel that a spouse confessing immediately is a positive sign. It shows that he isn’t trying to justify his behavior and that he knows he is wrong. It shows an immediate willingness to be truthful, even if it causes pain.

Many couples struggle greatly because the cheating spouse never truly comes clean. He may give his spouse tiny bits of the truth, but he always holds a little back and this makes it very hard to heal. The fact that your spouse is willing to tell everything so quickly is a good sign, but of course there would be rehabilitation and lots of work ahead if you chose to save your marriage. And you may not know the answer to that immediately, which is OK. If he knows that he is wrong, then he will likely also know that he has to be patient while you decide what you want to do.

I didn’t know right away that I wanted to save my marriage.  In fact, I was leaning toward letting it go.  But after a while, I started to see things a little differently.  I took my sweet time deciding and, to his credit, my husband was very patient.  There’s more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, when one spouse discovers that the other has acted inappropriately, all hell breaks loose. Fury reigns. The faithful spouse is so mad that she can barely function. And the cheating spouse is sometimes shocked and taken aback by this anger. The anger can be so strong that both people are kind of overwhelmed by it.

The cheating spouse often doesn’t know how to respond, gets flustered, and responds with defensiveness which turns to anger. So now you are in a situation where both people are indignant, lashing out, and furious. It can get to a point where the affair has somehow ended up on the bottom of the heap. All each party knows is that things have gotten really bad, that they are living in an angry household, and that they don’t know what to do next.

Someone might describe it that way: “I was using our computer last week and I wanted to look up a new computer that I was considering buying. Unfortunately, I had already closed out the window so I had to look in my internet history, when I did, I noticed a messaging app that my husband had clearly been using excessively. With a little patience, I was able to log into this app. And what I found devastated me. My husband was chatting away with a coworker about things that had nothing to do with work. There were inside jokes. There were complaints about their spouses. There seemed to be intimacy. Admittedly, there was no talk of anything physically inappropriate. And as soon as I confronted my husband about an emotional affair, he was very quick to say that nothing physical had happened. He keeps harping on this fact over and over. I’m glad that no physical line has been crossed. But the emotional line that has been crossed is more than enough. I am furious and I honestly considered asking my husband to leave. At first, he was patient as I lashed out at him, but he soon lost his patience and started lashing out at me. He said that he is not going to sit there and let me be abusive to him. He says that I’m using this relationship as an excuse to be nasty to him, when in fact they never crossed the line. He says I’m just trying to get the upper hand using something that isn’t a huge deal. We are both so angry that we are no longer speaking and the tension in our house is so thick you could cut it with a knife. I don’t know for how long this can go on. But I don’t know where we go from here when we’re both so mad that no one is going to make the first move.”

I have been in this situation and in my experience, there are basically two choices here. You can try to break the stalemate on your own. Or you can get outside help. I don’t think it hurts to try on your own first. I know that it’s hard because you very rightly feel that he is in the wrong. And you feel resentful that you might have to be the one to start the conversation.

You would be right about that, but sometimes you get stuck in a situation where you both feel right and indignant and therefore you can not move forward. Here is some phrasing that might be a conversation starter: “I don’t have to tell you that things are quite difficult for both of us right now. It’s obvious that we are both angry. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to keep going down this path. I’d like for both of us to be able to put aside our anger – just for a little while – to see if we can make any progress. I get that you did not appreciate my response. And I hope you understand why I was so upset. If you had seen those messages to a male coworker of mine, I am sure that you would be upset. But continuing to act only on our anger isn’t really getting us anyway. Do you think that we can set the fury aside momentarily just to discuss where we might go from here?”

Then, just listen to what he has to say. He may have been waiting for you to open the door all along, or he may continue to dig in his heels. You don’t want to be the one making all of the concessions. But if both people give just a little, you can usually begin to make slow progress.

If the anger still persists and you just can’t seem to break it, you can pause and try again a little later, or you can consider a third party or counselor to help you through this. Sometimes, they are invaluable for allowing both people to feel heard and to get the conversation started.

But make no mistake. You have every right to be upset and just because he’s angry, this doesn’t mean that you can’t have your concerns addressed. The key is to be able to address it so that no one feels diminished or disrespected to the point where they just shut down. Because that doesn’t do anyone any good.

It took quite a while to get the conversation rolling after my husband’s affair. Honestly, I just was not open for a while.  And once we were both ready to talk, it was awkward.  We just had to keep trying and push through it.  Sometimes, I think it was my own stubborn determination that got us over the hump. You can read more about this time period at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s extremely hurtful and frustrating when you learn of your husband’s affair.  This is compounded when your husband leaves because of this.  Because even if you aren’t sure if you still want him at home, it still stings because it feels like a rejection.  And he is not always forthcoming about why he left and what his motivations might have been.  So you are left speculating.

Sometimes, a theory will surface which encourages you to think that he was ashamed and embarrassed over his actions.  Because of this, he could not face you and felt that it would be easier for every one involved if he would just leave.  Here’s an example.  A wife might say: “about six weeks ago, I discovered that my husband has been cheating on me with our neighborhood tramp.  Honestly, we all laugh at this woman behind her back.  She is a middle aged woman who will wash the car or mow the lawn in a bikini.  She is so obviously attention seeking and is sex obsessed.  She has had multiple affairs over the years.  It’s a neighborhood joke that you need to keep your husband on a leash when she’s outside.  My husband and I have both joked about her inappropriate behavior.  Well, I guess the joke is on me because my husband has obviously been sneaking around with her.  And the reason I know is that some neighbors of ours saw them out together.  Our neighbors gossip, so soon every one is going to know.  And our family is going to be a laughing stock.  If this is not bad enough, last weekend my husband packed his bags and left.  He’s been very good about calling and checking on the kids.  But he will not discuss why he left except to say that the affair is over and he doesn’t want to hurt us anymore.  He says he hopes that in time we will reconcile. But for now he feels it best not to live with me.  Some of my friends who live in the neighborhood say that his leaving is very cowardly.  And they believe that he left because he was so embarrassed and ashamed to be the neighborhood joke. So he left me to clean up the mess.  I do get why he would be embarrassed.  But I’m worried that this is not the only reason he left.  I worry that he doesn’t want me and this is an easy for way for him to leave.  I know that he isn’t seeing the other woman anymore because her car is always at her house and he is never there.  So it’s not as if I think the affair is continuing. But I’m hurt that he would just leave me here.  Could my friends potentially be right?  Could he be leaving because of embarrassment?  Or is it something else?”

I think that embarrassment and shame is definitely a possibility.  It’s very common in all affairs, but it seems to be especially possible in this case.  Your husband himself has laughed about the poor slobs who succumbed to the desperate neighbor and now he knows that people are going to laugh at him – just as he has laughed at others.  I doubt that he is very proud of that.

And I suspect that he feels very guilty in the knowledge that people are going to talk about his family because of something that he did.  So he might think that his leaving will allow the smoke to clear. He may figure if he is not present, it will give the gossips less to talk about.

Of course, your friends could be right and this may be part cowardice on his part. He could find it very difficult to look you in the eye and face you.  He knows that what he did was extremely destructive to your family and he knows that you deserve better.  So it is just less painful for him to remove himself from the situation.

You have to ask yourself what you really want.  Do you want him there because you feel that he needs to face this?  Do you want him there because you want a chance to save your marriage?  Or do you just want reassurance that he left because of himself and not because of you?

It’s always possible to try to directly ask him for more clarification.  The next time you speak, you might ask him when or if he intends to come home.  If he doesn’t give you a direct answer, you might say, “well it might help by starting with why you’re not here in the first place?  Do you not want to be here?  Were you motivation by your thoughts of yourself or thoughts of me when you left? Because quite frankly, I’m not sure how it benefits me to have you just run away when things get ugly.  Because now I am the one left here to handle the fall out.  You get to escape while I’m left standing to deal with it all.”

Listen and see what he has to say in response.  You may get an honest answer about his motivations.  Or he may have been waiting for you to indicate that you wanted him home all along.  It helps to be clear on what you want.  Because you want to make sure that you really want him home when you have this conversation.

The point is, once you have the conversation, the topic of him coming home might surface.  So you want to be clear about your wishes beforehand.

I understand how difficult this is.  It’s normal and easy to over analyze everything that he says and does.  But always remember that what you feel, what you want, and what motivates you is equally as important.  You can read more about how I coped with a situation very similar to this one on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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