Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Most of the people that I hear from who have cheated on their spouse express remorse. They know that what they have done is wrong. And they feel quite uneasy at the thought that their mistake could cost them so dearly. Frankly, sometimes it takes them being faced with losing their spouse that the full impact of what they have truly done hits them. So when their spouse tells them that they have decided that they do not want to save the marriage and that they are moving on, the feelings of regret can be at an all-time high.

A spouse might say: “I have never regretted anything more than cheating on my husband. I honestly can’t believe I did that. I did not intend for anyone to ever find out. And in my own mind, it was my way to say goodbye to my first love, who had reenlisted in the military. I knew that we might never see one another again. And I knew that he could very well have been in harm’s way. So I went out with him and I kissed him goodbye at the evening and one thing to another. But I knew he was leaving soon and that this would not be a threat to my marriage. Well, the other guy told his busybody sister about it and she told my husband. When my husband confronted me, I considered lying because honestly, there wasn’t any proof and it was my word against the sister’s. But looking at my husband’s face, I just could not bring myself to lie to him. I almost wish that I could have. Because telling the truth has cost me everything. For a while, my husband said that he didn’t know what he was going to do. He stayed at our house for about a week and then said he needed time away from me. I believe he stayed with his mother, but I do not know that for sure because he would not take my calls. In the meantime, I was texting him and begging him to go to counseling. He kept just answering with very fast replies that said: ‘I need more time.’ So this whole time when I couldn’t reach out to my husband, I became fully aware of just how badly I had messed things up. I knew I was wrong, but the loneliness on top of this knowledge made things so much worse. As time went by, I knew that the longer that my husband was gone, the worse the chances would be that I would ever get him back. I started to text and ask him if he was dating other people. He responded that he wasn’t dating other people yet, but that he wasn’t ruling it out because he didn’t think that he could ever forgive me. So I just left him alone and gave him his time. And then last week he called me and said that he wanted to tell me himself that he has decided to ‘move on.’ He said that he was probably going to file for divorce because he had met someone with whom he wanted to pursue a relationship. And this is my worst fear – him finally moving on – him finally saying the words. I am so filled with remorse. I know that this is my fault. I can’t blame my husband. And the worst part of this is knowing that it is all outside of my control. I am not sure that there is anything that I can do to make this any better.”

I think that there is always something that you can do. You can work on yourself. You can let your spouse know that you will be there should he change his mind. Believe it or not, this does sometimes happen. Sometimes, people separate or even divorce, and the spouses date other people. But as time allows for things to calm down and allows for more perspective, things do change.

Only you can decide if you are willing to wait or if you want to move on also. If you want to wait, then I believe that the most effective way to do that is to reach out to your spouse as someone who will always care about their well being and not as someone who is focused on having them change their mind.

It might work something like this. The next time you speak, you could say: “I have been thinking about your moving on and although I understand your motivations and I do not blame you, I will always value our relationship and I will always take responsibility for changing everything. I will forever be sorry that I hurt you and that I put what we had in jeopardy. I do not blame you for how you feel or for what you are doing. I would do anything to change it or to be given a second chance, but I understand how you feel. I have a lot of work to do on myself and I am going to be continuing on that path. I want you to know that I am always here for you if you want for me to be. I know that you say that you are moving on, but you will always be very important to me. And if there is anything that I can ever do to help you, then I hope that you will reach out to me.”

Sometimes, you just have to leave it at that and then you have to wait. Your spouse might be watching to see if you are truly working on yourself, so make sure that you are. Continue to do the self work and continue to be open and available should your spouse want to reach out. You never know what might happen, but it typically takes time. And if and when the time comes, you want to make sure that you’re as rehabilitated as you can possibly be. Until then, work on becoming your best.  You don’t know what will happen, but you can not go wrong improving yourself.

I am sure that there was a time when my own husband thought that I would move on because of his affair.  I considered it.  But I did respect that he was willing to wait and respect whatever I wanted to do.  This told me that he cared more about me than his own goals and it showed that he had enough respect to not try to manipulate me. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Often times, wives are well aware when they are approaching the anniversary of catching their husband cheating or having an affair. Many can tell you the exact date and time of day that this occurred. And many have definite opinions on their progress between that day and the present time.

Some wives who very happy with their progress and others are disappointed and discouraged. But those who can look back with pride because their marriage has made it sometimes want to share this little tidbit of information with the other woman. Some people will call this gloating and others will call it redemption or fair play, considering the circumstances.

A wife who has saved her marriage might decide to write a letter to let the other woman know all about it. She might explain: “this Saturday is the one year anniversary that I caught my husband having an affair. I vaguely knew the other woman. And I sought her out. She was very spiteful and she told me that she was going to do whatever was necessary to take my husband away from me. She promised that in a year’s time, she would be married to my husband. This was very painful and hurtful. But I fought for my marriage. And I won. My husband and I are very happy and are getting ready to renew our vows. I want her to know this. I want to tell her that I am having a ball picking out my dress and flowers. I want her to know how special it will be for my children. But my best friend says that I am cheapening the whole event by involving the other woman in this. She says that I should just enjoy my special day and live in the moment without giving the other woman another thought. I understand her thought process, but I just can’t seem to let it go. After the nasty things she said to me, I want her to feel the pain of knowing I won. I have stopped short of wanting a face to face meeting and I will settle for a letter.”

I know that this is likely not what you were hoping that I would say, but I agree with your friend. I firmly believe that the best thing that you can do for yourself (and honestly the most hurtful thing that you can do to the other woman) is to really and truly move on. When you do things like send letters or seek her out, then she knows that you haven’t truly moved on. Because obviously, you are still thinking about her enough to want to make contact with her.

Now, I know what you may be thinking: “I want to make contact with her only because I want her to know that I have moved on wonderfully.” This may be true, but she is often smart enough to read between the lines and to know that if you had really and truly moved on, you wouldn’t need to let her know it. I am going to be honest here. Every time I see someone on Facebook or social media repeatedly driving home the point of how happy they are, my immediate reaction is to think that if they were really this blissful, they would be enjoying every moment of it rather than taking the time to announce it to someone who doesn’t effect their bottom line.

I am not insinuating that you are not truly happy. I am sure that you are. But I am just sharing with you that it’s often a perception that people who feel the need to announce their happiness often have motives other than just sharing that same happiness.

Here is an alternative which might work for you. How about putting an announcement about your vow renewal in your local newspaper?  This is common, customary, and not in bad taste.  Plus, there’s a pretty good chance that the other woman will see or hear about it and you haven’t sought her out in any way. She will be able to read between the lines and know that if you are renewing your vows and that you were obviously able to save your marriage and are happy. Frankly, this will likely impact her more than your writing a letter – where she is free to wonder about your motivations. However, if she just happens to learn about your vow renewal from a friend who saw it in the paper, it will likely be more impactful and you haven’t done anything wrong.

Putting an announcement in the paper is not out of the ordinary and is appropriate. I’d also like to stress that I really want you to enjoy your second wedding day. You deserve it. Truly take it in and don’t spend one second thinking about her. Looking back in any way just isn’t worth it. And that is exactly why it is not worth writing the letter. It allows her back into your thought process, where she should not be.

I honestly believe that the best revenge for anything is true and complete happiness and living your best life.  You can’t do that if your thoughts come back to her.   There’s more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Some people realize that something is suspicious with their cheating spouse when that same spouse is suddenly acting overly happy or gleeful.  This isn’t surprising because many cheating spouses will tell you that the affair changed their happiness level dramatically – which is why they can believe that it is so hard to end the relationship.

Needless to say, many faithful spouses have a hard time buying this reasoning.  They believe that this newfound happiness isn’t real or that it is all in their cheating spouses’ head.  They might say something like: “my husband is reluctant to give up the other woman because he says that, like it or not, she makes him happy.  He admits that their relationship really should not work.  They are complete opposites.  He has a very extensive education and she has none.  He is very introverted and she craves attention.  But, he says that he loves the carefree way that she looks at life and that some of that just can not help but rub off on him.  He says that his relationship with her has made him much happier.  He says it is like Dorothy in “The Wizard Of Oz” when at first her life was in black and white but then it turned to color once she left Kansas.  He says that his life has now turned colorful.  It kind of makes me sick to hear him talk this way.  Of course she has a carefree way of looking at life – she is too young to have any real worries or obligations and their relationship is just about having fun – which isn’t real or sustainable.  In real life, grown up relationships, people have real struggles and problems and that sort of gets in the way of having fun all of the time.  I believe that all of this “happiness” is only a temporary reprieve.  True happiness comes from within.  Someone can’t ‘make’ you happy.  A relationship can’t ‘make’ you happy.  You have to be happy within your self.  Am I wrong about this?  How can I make him see that I am right?”

I believe that you are absolutely right.  In fact, I see a lot of men who are repeat cheaters who will finally admit that, all along, they were chasing happiness and the thrill of something new.  But you are right.  None of this is sustainable.  The newness eventually wears off.  And that’s why people seeking happiness from their relationships often go from one to the other – always searching and always thinking that they have found that magical thing, only to find that it eventually slips right through their fingers.

Unfortunately, it can be hard to “convince” your husband of this or “make” him understand it.  It’s usually something that he has to realize on his own.  Sometimes, the other person will break the relationship off, and, once some time passes and he can be more objective, he will start to see that what he thought he experienced was not reality.  But it is harder to do this while you are caught up in the relationship.

What I see help with this most often is counseling.  And the person might not be going for counseling for the infidelity at all.  But often, a counselor is the one who helps them realize that they are seeking happiness from external things, which is almost impossible to obtain in the long term.

Once that realization happens, the next step is to learn how to search within for happiness and how to learn how to cultivate happiness from things that are going to build your life up rather than tear your life down.

Because of all of the correspondence that I get from people who have had or are having affairs, the vast majority look back on it and see that it created huge amounts of hurt and damage and that while it may have felt good for a very short period of time, that small amount of euphoria was not worth all of the trouble that it caused in the end.

But people who seek happiness from their relationships or from their significant others are looking to fill something that is missing inside of themselves.  Since no one can do this for you (and it must come from within) these people sometimes go from broken to relationship to broken relationship searching for something that only lasts for a fleeting amount of time.  Or until they realize that their method is just temporary and is exhausting.

So no, my answer to the question is that affairs do not cause happiness.  It may feel that way in the short term.  But in the long term, they cause misery and pain.  They hurt those you love the most and they may end your most important relationship.  Plus, they send a message to yourself and those around you that you can’t be happy on your own, which just isn’t true.

I think that both my husband and I agree that his affair caused nothing but misery.  I am glad he never gave me the happiness excuse.  It did take him some time for him to have the objectivity and distance to clearly see his motivations for cheating and that helped also.  There’s more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  When people are actively involved in an affair, very few of them ever stop to consider what is going to happen when the affair is found out.  Most of them like to think that discovery is never going to happen.  Because they fantasize that this is all going to work itself out without anyone being hurt.

However, that often is not the case. Much of the time, the infidelity is found out.  And when it is, both women involved want the man to make a decision. The wife usually wants for him to end the affair at once, despite any promises that he has made to the other woman.  And the other woman will often expect that he will continue on with the relationship, and perhaps begin the process of separating from his wife.

This puts the husband in a situation where he is expected to make a quick and drastic decision between two women who he probably believes he cares about and does not want to hurt. He might explain it this way: “I know that this is going to sound very stupid, but when I started having an affair, I truly believed that it would only last for a few weeks at the most.  I did not intend to become involved with anyone. And I never intended to end my marriage.  However, over time, the other woman came to rely on me more and more.  She is going through a rough time and I have helped her both emotionally and financially.  She depends on me, and so the relationship has lasted much longer than I anticipated.  Meanwhile, my wife found out about the affair because the other woman told her.  I believe the other woman figured that my wife would kick me out.  She hasn’t.  She wants me to end things so we can work on our marriage.  So now I have two women who are pushing me to reject the other one.  And I am pulled in two opposite directions.”

The wife may feel differently about this.  She may say something like: “I can not believe that my husband has any hesitation whatsoever about how to proceed.  He is worried about the other woman.  But this woman knew that he was married.  She had to know that this was not going to end well for her.  She probably thought that by telling me, she would be able to take my husband away, but she thought wrong. I honestly don’t care that my husband is being pulled in two directions.  He just needs to stand up to her and end it. We’ve been going to counseling, but now he wants to pause this because the counselor is pushing him to end it and he says no one appreciates the pressure that is being put on him. How can I make him see that he can stop the pressure by just ending it?”

He most likely already knows this, at least deep down.  And right now, he is facing a harsh reality because he knows that he is going to have to hurt someone.  And he knows that this is all his fault.  So, he might be trying to stall.  And he might be frantically searching his consciousness for the plan that is going to hurt the least amount of people.

The thing is, there is no way to spare all of the hurt.  Three people with feelings are involved here.  But, of course, despite this, we often care about our own feelings above the person who knew she was getting involved with a married man.  Quite honestly, sometimes the pressure hurts the other woman’s cause more than yours.  Because quite frankly, often what draws a man into an affair is the ease of it.  He will often see it as a short term fix, with no strings attached.  And this is part of the attraction.  But when the other woman starts to apply pressure and to make demands, suddenly the whole thing is not nearly as alluring.

I know that it might be tempting to keep on with the pressure because you feel it is your right.  But sometimes, it is more effective to do the opposite and let her be the one who makes that mistake. People often react negatively to the person applying the pressure.  So why not allow that to be her?  It’s just a suggestion.  You know your husband and I do not. So you would have a better sense of which strategy he would most favorably react to.

If you decide to let her proceed with the pressure in the hopes that he responds negatively to her, you might try a conversation like: “well, I am disappointed that you don’t want to go to counseling anymore, but I am going to continue to go. I think that it is helping me. You have an open invitation to join me any time that you feel ready, but I have to make myself the priority. I trust that in time you will figure out what you want and let me know.  In the meantime, I am making myself my priority.”

You didn’t spell out that you weren’t going to pressure him anymore, but you made it obvious that you were still going to pursue the counseling.  Now, the other woman might continue on with her pressure and he may read this very negatively.  As a result, he may decide that he wants to put an end to all of the stress associated with her and join you in counseling.

I can not promise you that this is what will happen.  But I do know that people will often pull away from situations that make them feel stress.  And continuing to pressure him may mean that he might momentarily “give in” but he may resent it greatly.  And you may know that the only reason he chose you was because you forced him to do so.

But if you back away a little bit and he chooses you anyway, this will give you much  more confidence and peace of mind and he will feel much better about his choice.

I know that it it can feel as if backing off means that you are allowing the other woman to take the lead.  But, really, you are allowing her to do something that you already know is causing him stress.  And you know that he hasn’t reacted positively to this.  You can’t control what either of them do.  But you can control yourself.  And continuing on with the counseling is only going to strengthen you.  You can read more about how I handled similar situations during my recovery from infidelity at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Over time, it has become my opinion that, generally speaking, men who are caught cheating generally fall into two categories, at least in terms of their reactions when they get caught.

The first type will be very obvious about the fact that they are sorry and that they want to somehow retain their marriage.  These are the guys who will pretty much humble themselves and jump through hoops to get their wives back.  The second type are those who either aren’t all that sorry or who aren’t quite sure what they want. They aren’t nearly as quick to apologize or to try to get back on their wife’s good side.  In truth, they are not yet sure if they want to be back in their wife’s good graces.  Men don’t always remain in one category either.  They can start out in one and end up in another based on what is happening with their marriage or with their thought process.

Many wives assume that, given the choice, they would prefer for their husband to be in the category of the men who try to make amends.  Most of the time, this is accurate.  But some wives feel like their husband’s attempts to make things OK again are just a waste of time and are sort of too much too soon.

One might explain: “my husband is trying to be so sweet to me since I caught him cheating.  And quite frankly, it makes me sick. Suddenly, he is telling me how pretty I am and how much he values me.  He tells me that I have been the perfect wife, but he was too dumb to see it.  He says that I am so smart, so pretty, and so supportive.  He must also think that I am so naive because he is only saying these things because he wants to make up with me.  And this is all because I am so angry at him because of his cheating.  His behavior is so fake and see through.  This faking almost makes me more mad than the cheating.  Yesterday, he was all over me with his fake affection and I finally had to tell him that he was wasting his time. I told him that it’s obvious that he is only doing and saying these things because he has been cheating.  And I also told him that it is way too soon for us to make up or to begin to mend our marriage so he should stop wasting his time.  He said that he doesn’t feel like any of it is a waste of time.   He said that even if I am not ready to hear his message, he still wants to send the message because he wants me to know that he is sorry and that he loves me.  How do I get him to stop this?  I mean, part of me is glad that he’s sorry and making an effort.  But part of me doesn’t want anything to do with him right now.  I need space and for him to back off a bit.”

Because I am a wife who has been cheated on, I know the feeling or wanting nothing to do with him for a while.  You need time to just reflect on how you are feeling without his input.  But, I also know, from a lot of the correspondence I get, that the behaviors by the husband are also very common.  Frankly, much of the time, the husbands panic.  Now that the secret of the cheating is out, it becomes crystal clear that there may be real consequences to their actions – which is losing their wife.  So, they are prepared to do nearly anything to keep that from happening.  And one way that they will try to do this is to let you know – admittedly sometimes too strongly – how much they realize what a mistake they have made.

Another consideration is that although his sweetness and reassurance gets on your nerves right now, there may come a time in the future when you want it.  I know that this is hard to believe.  I did not believe it myself.  But, as time goes by, you might come to a point where you might consider that it might make sense not to just throw everything away before at least giving him a chance.  But, if you tell him that he has no chance with you and is wasting his time, he may give up for good.

So perhaps a compromise is in order.  You might try to make it clear that, for a certain period of time, you just need to process this in relative silence.  You might try an explanation like this: “I do appreciate what you are saying and doing.  But because this is all so fresh, it seems motivated by your getting caught rather than coming from a genuine place.  At least that is my perception.  And I am not sure that my perception can change until more time has passed.  I just need some time to think about all of this without all of the over-the-top declarations.  I am not saying that I don’t want to hear that you love me ever again.  I am just saying that, for some time, I need some quiet to be objective.  Can you just lay off a little while I am taking that time? There will probably be a time in the future where those conversations are more appropriate.  But I am not ready for it yet.  I hope you understand.”

He might feel a little defensive at first.  But he also might find you more receptive to him when he lays off – which means he may come around when he sees that giving you a little space benefits him.  This is a very common problem.  Most people are able to get through it with communication and patience.  It is normal for him to want to tell you how he feels because he is afraid of losing you.  But it is also normal for you not to be quite ready to hear it yet.

I had to ask my own husband to lay off for a while. He didn’t like this, of course.  But I told him that he was only making things worse for himself.  And when he did give me time, he saw that it actually made things better for him.  You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It is extremely normal to be tempted to want revenge after you find out that your spouse has cheated on you. It often feels as if he has gotten to commit this horrible act while you have to pay the price. You have to feel the hurt, the humiliation, and the shock, while all he has to do is say he’s sorry and move on. This can feel even worse when family, friends, and the community see him as a wonderful man with a very strong character or a high degree of integrity. You can feel as if no one really knows your husband’s true self – and perhaps no one ever will. This seems very unfair. And so with this in mind, it can become tempting to expose your husband’s lack of integrity to his family, friends, bosses, or colleagues.

A wife might very angrily say: “every one thinks that my husband is this wonderful man. I used to think this also. Everyone thinks that he is selfless and that he is a man of integrity. His company is sort of known for doing important things for others. He is known as someone who thinks of other people before he thinks of himself. That’s a very pretty picture he has painted for himself, but it is not entirely true. I found out that my husband has been sleeping with a very young woman who he was supposed to be mentoring in order to help her better herself. I’m sure that everyone thinks that my sweet, selfless husband was helping yet one more person who was down on their luck. But he was helping himself too. And he was using our money to pay for her home. The other day, I saw one of my husband’s co workers at lunch and she told me how one of the families my husband had helped had just been able to buy their own home. She said that I might never know how many people my husband has ‘touched.’ I wanted to reply that I was starting to figure it out and that it might surprise her to know how much my husband has crossed the line. I stopped myself before I could say anything, but now I almost regret it. My husband is still on top of the world. He still is thought of as a wonderful person in the community. For the last couple of days, I have been considering writing a letter outlining exactly what my husband has done. And then sending that letter to family, friends, and colleagues who think my husband is so great. Imagine how ashamed my husband will feel and how embarrassed he will be. I feel that this is really the only thing that I can do to hurt him. Should I do this?”

Only you can make that decision, but I can give you some things to think about. Can you possibly know for sure that some of your husband’s friends and colleagues do not already know about the affair? Or at least have some idea? If this were true, not only would the letter not have the impact you wanted, but it might make you look a little vindictive.  Also, if this gesture makes you look less than upstanding yourself, it might make some form a negative opinion about you that could be used as a justification for your husband’s cheating.  Not even to mention that if you unleash something like this into the universe, it may eventually come back to you.

Outside of that, it truly isn’t anyone else’s business what goes on with your marriage. And you never know how you are going to feel tomorrow. What happens if you unleash this news on everyone and then six months from now you want to save your marriage? Or you want to just move on with your life?  After you’ve told, every one knows and has judgments about your marriage. Both you and your husband might experience embarrassment and shame whenever you have to face these people – which may be quite often.

Frankly, wanting to humiliate and shame a cheating husband is not uncommon. Many wives do tell others because they want for other people to share in their anger. But I do not know many of them that feel it was the right decision later. Because much of the time, the person that you told will keep bringing up the affair (and asking about it) when you are more than ready to move on. This can be true even if you aren’t trying to save your marriage. There comes a time when you don’t want to talk about or think of it anymore and yet every time you come in contact with someone to whom you sent that letter, you are going to be reminded.

In my opinion, sending such a letter just spreads the negativity to more people and it just ensures that the reminders are going to keep coming. I know that when you are smack in the middle of the hurt, you aren’t thinking of the day when you will want to move on. But that day comes for almost everyone. And your letter will make this harder for you to do. I think it’s best to let the people in your husband’s life find out about this on their own – if they do not already know. Just like your marriage is between you and your husband and no one else, your husband’s relationship between his family, friends, and colleagues is between them.

I do understand how you feel, though.  But in truth, your husband may already feel shame and humiliation.  He may actually feel like a fraud precisely because he knows how the community feels about him and he knows that in his heart he made a mistake. You can read more about my experience on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  In the initial days and hours after you find out about your spouse’s affair, you may too angry, too shocked, and too raw to have any expectations of how either of you should act.  But after the reality has a little time to settle in, we all want to see some sort of acknowledgement of wrong doing.  We want to see him make some sort of gesture of sorrow or regret.

Unfortunately, this is not what many wives get.  Some husbands seem to go out of their way to be as nasty and indignant as possible.  It’s almost as if they believe that their wife, who did nothing wrong, is deserving of their punishment because she caught him.  A wife might say: “my husband absolutely does not care that I caught him cheating.  Nor does he seem to care that he has hurt me.  He acts as if he’s shocked that I’m shocked.  He says that I was fully aware that our marriage was struggling.  He said I know that his dad cheated on his mother throughout their marriage.  He said that he never promised me complete fidelity.   And he says that I know he won’t leave me.  So he doesn’t get why I’m acting all outraged.  He’s very non apologetic about this.  He acts as if I should just deal with it or get over it.  He doesn’t care at all.  I’m so sad about this.  And I’m not sure if I want to save my marriage if this man is so uncaring.  I wish I didn’t care either.  But I can’t help but care.  It’s just human.  How can he not care at all?”

To be honest with you, I doubt very much that he doesn’t care at all.  That would require that he has absolutely no conscience.  And if that were true, you would have known of this lacking before now.  A complete lack of conscience just isn’t true of most people, especially people who care enough about someone to marry them, establish a home with them, and have a life with him.

Be On The Look Out For Excuses And Justifications Meant To Lessen His Guilt And Pain: What your husband has said sounds like a lot of excuses meant to diminish the fall out of what he has done.  He may even be trying to convince himself that his actions were understandable.  He may realize that what he has done isn’t ideal and just plain wrong, but he’s trying to justify it somewhat by believing that most men cheat and most marriages survive it. (Most of us would argue these points, but men who have recently been caught cheating are often willing to believe this, at least at the time.)

Denial And Self Preservation Are Additional Ways to Lessen The Guilt: What your husband is doing isn’t that unusual.  It’s a form of denial.  And it is also a form of self preservation.  It’s easier not to judge yourself this harshly.  It’s hard to look in the mirror and realize that you have singlehandedly destroyed what you and your spouse have worked for.  It’s heart breaking to look in the mirror and see someone who has committed that type of betrayal.  It’s just easier when you can convince yourself that what you’ve done isn’t so bad or is understandably in some way.

Luckily, this often does not go on forever.  Even people who would prefer to stay in denial will usually eventually come back to reality.  After a while, it just becomes more and more difficult to ignore reality and to no longer see the obvious signs.  Sometimes, you will find that he comes around and you don’t have to do anything.

Wives sometimes tell me that their husband truly is never going to care because he has checked out of the marriage.  I find that even in those cases, there is still regret.  Most people realize that regardless of the state of your relationship or the circumstances, there are options other than cheating.  I guess the point that I am trying to make is that it’s at least my belief that it would be a rare person that doesn’t care at all.  Sure, he may be trying hard to give you (or themselves) that impression, but it rarely lasts.

The Consequences Will Sometimes Speed Things Along: If your spouse doesn’t come to this conclusion on his own, sometimes just seeing the consequences of his actions will cause him to change his tune.  Once he sees that his life can not help but change and that those he cares about have been affected, he will likely begin to feel how much he cares and he may show it.  Or, he may still posture for a while.

It is really up to you as to whether or not you want to be patient to see if he will change his stance.  Sometimes, if you are going to counseling, the counselor will help to pull this out of him because, regardless of what happens in your marriage, it does help to know that he realizes what he has done and that he cares about the same.

I know that it’s hard to watch him act aloof and unfeeling.  But quite frankly, you (and not him) are responsible of how you react and how you feel.  You can’t allow him to take that option away from you.  Sure, you can’t control what he feels and it’s disappointing when he appears to feel nothing.  But that isn’t usually reality and it shouldn’t change your bottom line unless you let it.  My husband did this early on and I decided that I would focus on myself. If he came around, great.  But if he did not, at least I hadn’t wasted my time and energy.  He DID eventually come around and by that time, the work I had done on myself influenced the way that I dealt with him.  There’s more about our eventual reconciliation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s understandable to be full of questions after your spouse has an affair. After all, you need to know exactly what you are dealing with in order to determine if your marriage still stands a fighting chance. You need to know whether you should trust your husband eventually and whether or not he is vulnerable to doing this again. And you need to know what left you vulnerable in the first place.

Unfortunately though, we don’t typically limit our questions to these topics. We tell ourselves that we want to know EVERYTHING. So we’ll ask him to give us ALL of the details, even when some of those details don’t really offer us anything in the way of useful information. And although he may be patient at first, this “asking him absolutely everything – multiple times – strategy” can start to cause a lot of conflict. This might lead some wives to compromise by deciding that they will limit themselves to asking the ‘right’ questions, but it can be hard to know what, exactly, the right questions are.

Someone might talk about a scenario like this one: “I admit that I can not stop asking questions about my husband’s affair, but he is losing patience with this. I admit that sometimes my questions are silly. I’ll ask him to recount every conversation that they had. I’ll ask him what she smelled like. And he will almost get angry because he says that he doesn’t understand why I want to know all of these minuscule little details, unless I am only trying to torture myself. One of my friends says that before I frustrate both of us, I should only focus on asking the ‘right’ questions, but I honestly don’t know what the ‘right’ questions are.”

What I’m about to give you is only my opinion. I’m certainly not an expert. But below are what I think are the most important distinctions to make – because all of these give you what I think is the important information. Because these questions tell you what you’re dealing with and whether or not there’s a workable plan to get you out of this.

Is The Affair Truly Over? What Are You Willing To Do In Order To Prove That It Is?: I think that it is important to establish this quickly. Because it’s very hard to rehabilitate anything when the affair is still active or when one party is still trying to reach out to the other. So not only do you want him to reassure you that it’s over, you also want to know what he’s willing to do to ensure that it REMAINS over. Questions along these lines are: “when is the last time you communicated with her in any way?” And “What are you prepared to do to discourage her if she tries to contact you?”

Do You Understand Why You Did This? Or Are You Willing To Keep Digging Until You Find Out?: This is so very important. A husband who doesn’t understand why he cheated is a husband who can’t fix this and who may just cheat again. People cheat because they are trying to fill a void. Your husband should be willing to try to identify that void and learn to fill it in another way. If he can’t or won’t, then you are always going to worry about this vulnerability because it means that he might cheat again.

Questions meant to determine this information are things like: “can you pinpoint why you cheated? What lead you to this point? Can you identify any conscious thoughts you had that might give you some clues as to why you did this? If not, are you willing to try to find out? And once you find out, are you willing to work hard to fix it?”

Are You Willing To Do The Work Necessary To Help Me Heal?: This really is the million dollar question. Many husbands will talk a good game initially. They will promise you patience and rehabilitation, but then they will get angry at you if you are not showing progress on their timeline. They will start to insinuate that something is wrong with you because you can’t just ‘get over it.’

This isn’t what you want. Ideally, you want a husband who realizes that this is his fault and is mostly his responsibility to fix. You want him to be willing to participate in counseling, self help, or whatever you are comfortable with and prefer. You want for him to be more interested in results and less interested in excuses.

Questions along these lines are things like: “I’m going to be researching what I think might help us the most. I am going to need your full cooperation in trying to fix this. I anticipate that it’s going to take some time and effort to put us back on track. Are you willing to fully support me in whatever I need? Are you going to be game with whatever avenue I want to take? Even if the going gets tough?”

Knowing this going into it can be important. Because people are usually pretty agreeable when they are caught. But recovery can be a long road. And sometimes you need help to get over the bumps along the way. It’s very helpful to know that he’s committed to taking the full journey with you so that when you do come out on the other side, you have a healthy marriage where you’re not having to worry about this happening again.

As I said, anyone can say anything.  It is a person’s actions that define their true intent.  So the questions you ask your husband really should be geared toward discovering his true intent.  The rest just frustrates you both.  I learned this from unfortunate experience.  There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I’m never really shocked at the excuses that cheating men give their wives once they have been caught.  Granted, not all men fall into the “excuse category.”  Some men will take responsibility for their choice and do their very best to be honest about whatever motivations are behind the infidelity.  Unfortunately though, this description does not apply to all cheating husbands.  There are also those who will do their very best to at least partially shift the blame onto their innocent wife.

One example of this is the husband who says he cheated to get his wife more interested in him.  He’ll tell her that he hoped that once she saw that another woman was attracted to him, then she would find him more attractive as a result.  The theory is that once the wife has some competition, suddenly she will be willing to fight for him when she never had an interest in doing so before.

A wife might explain it this way: “I was astounded and devastated when I caught my husband cheating on me.  And I honestly do not believe for a second that he wanted for me to find out like he claims.  Frankly, he had done a pretty good job of covering his tracks and he clearly made a concentrated effort to do so.  He opened a fake email account.  He got a throw-away phone.  It was only by a fluke that I caught him.  But now he wants to pretend as if this was all part of his master plan.  He says that he hoped that once I saw that other women could find him attractive and desirable, that I would pay attention to him and want him more.  He says that he has always felt as though he wanted and valued me more than I wanted and valued him.  He said he always felt as if he was not good enough for me.  I admit that I am not someone who lavishes on a lot of affection.  But I am like this with everyone – not just my husband.  And I have always been this way.  My husband has not complained about this for the whole time we have been married, which is why I really do not buy it. What do you think of this excuse?”

I tend to agree with you, especially since it appears that he covered his tracks so that you would not catch him.  If his plan all along was to yearn for you to want him more, then it would seem that he would have been leaving clues, not hiding them.

Finding The Sliver Of Truth:  To be fair, there may be a bit of validity to what he is saying.  It may be accurate that he was reacting to not feeling desirable.  And this may not have had anything to do with you.  People often project their worries and inadequacies on those who are closest to them.  It could be that YOU aren’t making him feel inadequate; but that he simply feels that way and is looking for an excuse or an easier person to blame than himself.

There Are No True Excuses: Regardless, none of this is a valid excuse.  If both of you agree that the level of affection and validation isn’t there and you both want to save the marriage, then this is something that you might want to address in the recovery process, but it doesn’t excuse his cheating.

If you’d like to express this to him, you might try: “I hear what you are saying, but I don’t accept it as a valid excuse.  Even if you legitimately felt that way, there’s never an excuse to cheat.  And you certainly could have come to me and discussed it instead of cheating and putting everything at risk. If, down the road, we decide that we want to save our marriage, we can address how you feel or felt.  But I don’t think that we will be able to do that until you take responsibility for our choices and actions. I won’t accept the blame for what you did.  Your taking responsibility is the first step and I need for that to happen before I make any decisions about our marriage.  I regret that you felt the way that you did, but it doesn’t change anything for me. Please reconsider your approach to this because it doesn’t get us anywhere.  And it doesn’t make me want you anymore.  I’d find you more desirable if you’d stand up, take responsibility, and communicate with me directly.”

Hopefully, this will make him see that you are not willing to accept his convenient excuse and you are not going to take the blame.  Most men come to realize this eventually, but you can sometimes shorten the process and save everyone some trouble by being direct and open about it.

Of course, my husband tried various excuses too.  But I wasn’t having it.  And he eventually came to realize this and got serious about taking responsibility.  There’s more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I find that it’s very normal for the wife to want more information about the other woman.  Even if you wish this woman never existed or that you could put her out of your mind, you might find yourself constantly being curious about her.

You figure that you should educate yourself on what kind of hold she had on your husband and why.  You wonder what the attraction was and how she was able to get her hooks into your husband.  Getting this information isn’t always easy, though.  Because much of the time, you don’t know her and you don’t have much intel about her. And so you are dependent on your husband for that information.  Unfortunately, not all husbands are very forthcoming with these types of details.

To that end, a wife might say: “all my husband will really say about the other woman is that they met at the gym and that she doesn’t live in town.  He insists that I would not know her and that information about her does not matter because she is completely out of our lives. I will try to ask him what she looked like and he will tell me that she was nothing special.  He won’t tell me where she works.  He won’t tell me her age.  He won’t tell me what the attraction was all about.  In short, he shuts me down every time I try to get information about her.  Why is he doing this?  What does it mean when a cheating husband absolutely refuses to give information about the other woman?”

There are many possibilities.  I will list some of them below.  Some of them might ring true.  And over time, he may release his grip on some of that information.  He might eventually come to realize that you deserve the information and that keeping it from you doesn’t do much good and only makes things worse.

Possible Reason Number 1.  He’s Ashamed:  This is a very common motivation.  He’s not telling you information about her because he is ashamed of that information.  Men sometimes cheat with women who are not their type or who aren’t particularly pretty or intelligent.  In a sense, he is ashamed of her and embarrassed that he took a risk over someone who truly wasn’t even worth it.

Possible Reason Number 2:  He Thinks That More Information Might Feed Your Insecurities:  Sometimes a man keeps this information from you because he honestly believes that he is protecting you.  Maybe she is younger or has some other attribute that he knows you are going to cling to and hold onto for dear life.  In short, he knows that the information is going to make you feel badly or insecure about yourself and he wants to avoid all of this.

 Possible Reason Number 3:  He Doesn’t Want For You To Seek Her Out: Many husbands are afraid of their wife confronting the other woman.  They don’t want an ugly scene.  They don’t want for the two women to compare notes.  And he doesn’t want the other woman to say or do anything to hurt you.  So he figures if he withholds information, this will keep you from finding her and this will keep any hurtful confrontations from happening.

Possible Reason Number 4:  He’s Withholding Information For His Own Gain:  I hate to even bring this one up because I don’t think that it’s correct to always assume the worst.  Some husbands who won’t talk about the other woman truly are trying to protect you and don’t have sinister motives.  But occasionally, a husband doesn’t want you to know much about the other woman because he is still seeing her or stringing her along.  Or, he doesn’t want for her to tell you information that is going to make you very angry at him.  In other words, he knows that keeping the two of you apart is going to benefit him in some way.

Now by saying this, I am not trying to insinuate that you should want to meet with the other woman.  I firmly believe that she is not the best place to get your information because her motivations are very different from yours.  She is going to want to make herself appear to be the innocent party and she is going to want to present the affair as more than it was because it will help her to justify her actions.

I honestly usually discourage the wife from contacting the other woman because I never hear of it turning out well.  And it gives her power over you.  Plus, it sometimes places your focus in a place where it shouldn’t be.

With all of this said, it’s not fair for your husband to withhold all information from you.  I think it helps to define what you most want to know.  Some information truly doesn’t add anything – like minute details about her life and her personality.  Those type of details just don’t matter and tend to muddle things up.  But information that lets you know how real the relationship was and how they met and carried this out are important details.

So you might try a conversation like: “listen, I am not asking you for a biography on her. I don’t need to know her life’s story.  But it’s not fair for you to not share what I need to know.  I need to understand how and why the affair happened and I can’t do that when there is a big, gaping hole in the story.  I know that you might think that you’re protecting me, but it almost feels like you might be trying to protect yourself also. I don’t intend to go and confront her or cause a big scene.  I just feel that I need more information about all of this. And just because you refuse the information, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop trying to get it.  I think that you can save us both a lot of time and anguish by telling me what I need to know so that I don’t have to waste time continuing to search for it.”

Hopefully, common sense will prevail and your husband will realize that he can’t keep everything from you if he truly wants to try to maintain the marriage.  In order for healing to take place, you have to know what you are dealing with.  And if he doesn’t tell you, then you may just make up your own version of the story that is worse than the reality.

As painful as it can be to hear the truth, it’s sometimes preferable to making up your own reality in your own head.  Because you’re hurting, you’re likely to go to pessimistic places that may not have been reality.  I know that this was the case initially with me.  You can read more about my story on m blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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