Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many faithful spouses really want to see their spouse express all kinds of remorse and sorrow for their betrayal during a marital affair. But more than this, we’d really like to believe that he knows that what he did was wrong and that he understands exactly why it was wrong. Because if he does, then the belief is that there is less of a chance that he will do this again.

Unfortunately, many men do not express their wrongdoing in words. And so we watch them, looking for signs of the remorse and regret.  We’re seeking proof of a knowledge of a huge mistake. Someone might ask: “how do I know if my husband truly understands his affair was wrong? He seems to have a lot of excuses about why he cheated. He also makes attempts to justify it and he gets defensive. I told him that it appears as if he’s reluctant to concede that it was wrong, but he told me he did know that he was wrong but he’s not going to fall all over himself saying it all of the time. He said that I am just going to have to take his word for it. But that’s not good enough for me. I’ve been watching his behavior and trying to see where he’s acting like a man who knows he was wrong. But I’m not really seeing anything that looks reassuring. What are the signs that a man knows that the affair was wrong?”

I can tell you my opinion, but this is only one woman’s thoughts. And not seeing these signs doesn’t mean your husband isn’t aware he was wrong. It just may mean that he hasn’t altered his behavior. Sometimes, if you really feel that you need to see more of something, you may have to ask him for it or bring it to his attention directly. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always just magically happen.

He’s Putting In A Lot Of Extra Effort When It Comes To You And Your Marriage: Even if a man isn’t saying that he is wrong, if he knows that he is, then his actions should be in alignment with this. And a man who knows he is wrong and feels regret will commonly make every effort to do what is right moving forward. That means you should see him trying to do right by you. Of course, depending on your husband and your marriage, this may take on many different forms. You may see him trying to be move loving or attentive. You may see him trying to reassure you of his love or that the affair is most definitely over. These attempts may be clumsy and seem half hearted and this can be common. But regardless, you want to see the attempt, however, ineffective, being made.

He’s At Least Trying To Remove What Lead Up The Affair: A man who has some awareness that he was wrong may try to remove the triggers that lead him to participate in risky behavior in the first place. So a man who started an affair while drinking may try to stop drinking. A man who met the other woman at a gym may end his membership to that same gym. The list goes on and on. But you will often see him make an effort to remove the temptation or the behaviors that lead up to this. And he won’t always make a big announcement about it.  He may even keep it to himself.

He May Attempt To Apologize To You Or Even To The Other Woman: A man who feels remorse may realize that he was unfair to both women. Wives often become quite furious and worried when they find out their husband apologized to the woman he has been cheating with. But actually, this isn’t always a bad sign. It can mean that he realizes the affair must end and that he can’t offer the other woman anything at all. As a result, he may feel badly that he got her involved in the first place. Honestly, I’ve heard men say that it’s easier to apologize to the other woman than their wives. And I think one of the reasons for this is that he knows that he won’t see the other woman again. He can say what he needs to say and walk away. But with his wife, this is not the case. In any event, sometimes you’ll hear him mutter apologies, even if they don’t always sound completely heartfelt or sincere.

I’d like to mention one more thing. Sometimes, it appears that a man is indignant and making an attempt to justify the affair. And this may be what he is portraying on the outside. But the outside and the inside are not always the same. Most men know deep in their hearts that cheating on their spouse is wrong. Sure, they will try to justify it and they will act like they aren’t sorry in the hopes of getting you to back off on making them feel guilty or ashamed. But this is usually at least partly for show. Deep down, most people fully understand that cheating is wrong and worthy of remorse.

I didn’t see every one of these signs with my own husband immediately.  But I asked for those I didn’t.  Because I did want to see evidence of full awareness followed by remorse. There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Fear often makes people stop in their tracks when they are considering trying to keep their marriage after their spouse has an affair.  They are afraid that they will invest all this time and hard work into their damaged marriage and they will still end up failing and being extremely hurt. They also worry that this whole thing will be painful process and so they consider just walking away right in the beginning to avoid the pain and the waste.

It’s no wonder then that those who overcome these doubts in order to commit to at least trying to save their marriage are constantly on the lookout that things are going wrong or that they are failing. Someone might say: “against my good sense, I agreed to try and fix our marriage after my husband’s affair. He made me all kinds of promises and so far I haven’t really seen all of them come true. Our marriage is a struggle every single day. I still don’t feel anywhere close to normal. Our marriage feels like it is worse off than it was right after the affair. What are the signs that a marriage is going to fail after an affair?”

It really does depend on the couple and what their marriage was like before the affair. Some behavior, while troubling, may be normal for a particular couple. However, you often do see issues or behaviors over and over again from people who struggle. I am not a therapist, but I do see themes from people I hear from, know, or read about. And by listing these signs, I’m not implying that your marriage is over or in serious trouble if you’re seeing them. Nor am I saying that your marriage is absolutely fine or perfect if you don’t see them. Take this for what it is – only one layperson’s observations and opinions. And know that if you do see them, that doesn’t mean that you can not fix them.

The Person Who Had The Affair Isn’t Taking The Initiative: This is a very common problem. Often, the person who had the affair is ashamed, embarrassed, and trying their very best to act in whatever way they think is going to make the affair blow over faster. They may well know that they were wrong. But they sometimes don’t want to admit or make a big deal of this because they worry that if they do, you are going to dwell on the affair and keep bringing it up to punish them. So many of them will try to be abrasive and indignant in the hopes that you will drop it as soon as possible. Understandably, the faithful spouse can take this posturing to mean that they are not sorry and they just do not care. And these misunderstandings can deteriorate a marriage that is already struggling.

Another way that I see the cheating spouse not taking the initiative is that they do not completely break off every ounce of communication and contact with the other person or they do not do everything in their power to change their risky behaviors. This includes coming straight home from work, staying off social media until healing has occurred, not drinking, or doing anything else that would affect their ability to make sound decisions.

There Is No Real Ongoing Plan: I know that it’s naive of me to think that every couple trying to recover from an affair will seek counseling, but I believe that you need someone (or at least some resource) other than the two of you overseeing things. Because unless you are a marriage counselor or relationship expert, this is likely outside of your scope of expertise no matter how much you way want for things to work. If counseling is just out of the question, perhaps a pastor or even self help resources will work. But when only the two people involved are guessing at what should be done when they are already emotionally confused and frustrated, recovery is not as likely to be very effective or very complete. And yet, that is what many of us try to do. The thing is, we are too close to the situation, and too damaged by it, to see it clearly.

Someone Is Just Not Willing To Let It Go: This is very common also. Often times, some real progress has been made. And both people have truly tried to move forward. But, one or both of the spouses just can’t let it go. They continue to run it through their heads. They continue to feel the pain and doubt. They continue to want to punish, even if they do not realize it. Or, the cheating spouse feels guilty and punishes himself. I am not by any means saying that you should pretend the affair never happened or “just forget it.” That would be impossible.

But I am saying that, when you are ready, you do have to make a very firm decision to move on in a healthy way in spite of it. Sure, you will still think back on it sometimes and feel sad and angry, but you shouldn’t feel this every day for the rest of your life. There comes a time when you have to decide that, for your own well being, you’re going to close the book on it and move forward without revisiting it and allowing it to continuously cripple your relationship.

As I said, seeing these signs doesn’t doom your marriage.  I saw many of them and yet, I’m still married and I consider myself pretty content.  We had to work very hard to move past these things and to continue to work on them when they came back from time to time.  You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Most people know that when attempting to build a healthy marriage, it’s best to be authentic.  When you plan to spend your life with someone, you want to be able to be your true self.  Imagine how exhausting it would be if you could never let your guard down.  How hard would it be to know that you could never be spontaneous or authentic without the fear of rejection?

When your marriage is going well, it is easier to be authentic.  But when you are facing serious marital challenges, like an affair, it can be much more difficult.  Because you can fear that your spouse is always watching, always evaluating, and always on the verge of rejecting or judging you.

Even if you are not the spouse who cheated and you know that you have done nothing wrong, you can still be on edge.  You can still feel limited to how much of your true self that you can show.  Someone might explain: “ever since I found out that my husband had been cheating on me, I have shut down. I have drawn into my self.  I feel as if I am only a shell of my former self.  I don’t want a divorce.  But I’m not sure if we will ever be happy again.  My husband is telling me that our marriage needs to change.  Therefore, I feel as if I am always walking on eggshells.  I feel as though I can’t let him see my worries about this.  I feel as if I have to act happy and optimistic all of the time even though that is not the way that I am feeling.  Honestly, before all of this happened, I was a genuinely happy and optimistic person.  But I no longer feel that way anymore.  And yet, I feel trapped in that persona because it is what my husband expects of me.  If I were able to be myself, I am sure that my concerns and my worry and my disappointment would show.  But of course this would be a major turn off to my husband, so I just have to hide how I really feel.  And this feels like a huge burden.”

I understand.  I felt some of what you are feeling.  When you’re limping through your marriage after an affair, it sort of feels like you are on display.  It feels as if you are always being evaluated and critiqued.  However, looking back on it now, I believe that my husband felt the same way.  So what we had were two people who were afraid and who were just sort of tip toeing around one another. We were both pretending.

It took me too long to realize that in order to have the kind of rebuilt marriage that I wanted, I was going to need to let my husband “see” me.  And I was going to have to be vulnerable.  And he was going to need to do the same thing. Why? Because you can’t have real intimacy without either of these things.  And true intimacy is necessary for a strong and secure marriage.

Sure, you can play it safe and keep yourself closed off, thinking that as long as you keep your true self locked away, then your husband won’t object to your fake, vanilla self.  But that takes a lot of work.  And the resulting marriage will be just as fake as your persona.

I learned it was best to be who you are – warts and all.  Does this mean that you walk around miserable and afraid all of the time?  No, that would be as exhausting as hiding your true self.  But it does mean that you want to be honest about any doubts or worries that keep cropping up.  That burden is too heavy to carry alone.  If you’re in counseling, simply bring it up at your sessions and leave it there at the end of the hour.  This frees you up to feel less burdened during the week.  If you are not in counseling, then discuss it at the set times you and your husband talk about your marriage.

I’d like to make one more point. I know that right now it feels as if your true self has changed.  You may believe that you have gone from an optimistic person to a pessimistic one.  I felt this way also.  But, it could be that you are only reacting to your circumstances.  It could be that the optimistic person is still in there and will come back out once she starts to heal.  I think that it’s a mistake to assume that you have lost the best parts of yourself because of one bump in the road (although the bump is admittedly a large one.)

I found that I started to get myself back as I started to heal.  And this didn’t always relate to my husband or my marriage.  I no longer carry that pessimism and that worry with me today.  But if I did, I would be honest about it.  Your spouse can’t work with you to address the issues if you aren’t honest about them.  And hiding your true self at the time is the enemy of intimacy, which is desperately needed for that security that we all want so desperately after an affair.   There’s more about how we got that intimacy back on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who feel as if their spouse’s affair is a personal criticism against them. Sometimes, they can not help but feel this way because their spouse has basically used their perceived shortcomings as an excuse for his cheating. And sometimes, your spouse says nothing but you assume these things anyway. You think that he cheated because there was something wrong with you or because you weren’t quite good enough.

Here’s a common scenario: “I found out last week that my husband has been cheating on me. He cheated with a woman who is the exact opposite of me. I’m very serious and well read. I consider myself intelligent. My job makes it necessary for me to use this intelligence and so my husband sees that side of me a lot. I am the main breadwinner in our family, so I feel somewhat pressured to be this way. But instead of being grateful, my husband finds fault in this. The other woman is very playful and she works at a dead end job which gives her all kinds of time to devote to my husband and cultivating her looks. He said that he cheated because he wanted more fun and spontaneity in his life. He likes that the other woman cares so much about her looks. This is so upsetting to me. I’ve never been that kind of superficial woman. I’ve always worn glasses and been brainy and my husband has always loved that about me – supposedly. Because now I’m questioning every thing that he ever told me. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I sort of want to save my marriage. Not right away. But when I think of my marriage ending for good, I feel a great sense of sadness. I fantasize that, a long time from now, we will be happy again and my husband will have realized how wrong he is. But I am not sure that this will ever happen with me as my current self. He was excited by the other woman’s looks and playfulness. I am not that type of person. I am not the type of woman who is going to downplay my intelligence and spend hours on my appearance when I have better things to do. But in a way, I feel like this is what I’d have to do to keep my husband. Is it?”

Well, I have no way of predicting what your husband might want or require in the future. But frankly, I think it is more important to ask yourself what YOU require. I am going to be honest and tell you that many women choose to make some life changes after their spouse has an affair – I did. But the changes that stick and make a difference in your life – and perhaps in your marriage – are the ones that were right and authentic in the first place. It’s my experience that any change that requires you to deny who you are isn’t a change that is going to work or is worth pursuing. Sure, you can pretend, but no one wants to pretend for the rest of their lives with the person who should love them the most.

I did not change the core of who I was. I was not going to attempt to be younger or dress in a way that didn’t make me comfortable or laugh too loud when I didn’t think things were funny in the first place. But I was willing to take inventory of things in my life that made me feel a little “less than” my best self. I didn’t always like looking at these things because it forced me outside of my comfort zone. But ultimately, the changes I made were for the better – and they would have been that way regardless of what would have happened with my marriage.  I would have chosen them even if I had chosen divorce because they were necessary.

And I think that this is the true litmus test.  I find it helpful to ask yourself if you are making a change because you can truly see that it is going to make your life better and because you want to do it for yourself. Or are you just going through the motions of doing it because you want your husband to view you and your marriage more favorably? Or because you don’t want him to cheat again? Because changes for someone else not only don’t stick, but they make you resentful.

I found it best to ask myself what changes needed to be made – for me – to improve my life. Perhaps making more time for spontaneous laughter might be an improvement in your life and would not require you to change your serious nature. Maybe doing what makes YOU feel pretty will also make you more confident without doing it for someone else. It’s all about striking that balance. Because many women do find that making small changes gives them a sense of control and power – but changing the core of who you are because someone else has made a mistake is probably not the best idea. There are ways to make it authentic and to make it balanced.

Frankly, I found that making small changes in order to feel better about myself and to boost my confidence made the healing process a little easier. I found it easier to believe that my husband still found me attractive and lovable once I believed it about myself.  But I wasn’t going to pretend for anyone. Read more if you like on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I’m still always a little amazed at the number of people who are participating in very inappropriate behavior with someone who is not their spouse and who will still insist that they aren’t doing anything wrong, and are definitely not cheating. Almost always, their spouse disagrees and most definitely feels betrayed. People tend to be very skilled at justifying their behavior, until their spouse refuses to accept this. And then the debate begins.

Someone might say: “my spouse is now calling me a cheater and saying that she might want a divorce because of my ‘affair.’ I am being completely honest when I say that I never ever believed that I was having an affair. Yes, I was in touch with an ex-girlfriend from many years ago. And yes, I kept this from my spouse. But that is because I knew that my spouse was going to jump to the wrong conclusions. I kept in touch with her because she was going through a rough time with one of her kids and I have experience with this and was offering her some advice. I also offered her money in order to get the help that she needed. I knew that my wife would not understand this. Most of our talks were written where I was trying to give her written advice and support. I admit that the talks took up a good bit of time and took up a lot of my thoughts. I admit that there was some mild flirting going on. I met the woman face to face to give her money and we did hold hands and kiss goodbye, but that was it. She took a photo of us and posted it on social media. I had no idea about this, but the photo got back to my wife and now she is calling me a cheater. She keeps referring back to the ‘affair,’ but I maintain that I never even had one. She’s talking about counseling or divorce. This is ridiculous. I have never slept with anyone else during our marriage. This is not an affair.”

I am certainly not an expert, but I have been through infidelity, conducted a whole lot of research, and hear from many people whose marriages are struggling due to marital betrayal. This is only my opinion, but I would strongly encourage you to not focus on semantics. Sure, you can sit there and argue endlessly with your spouse as to why what you did was not technically cheating. But what would be the point of that? None of that matters if your spouse feels injured or betrayed. None of that matters if your marriage is going to struggle.

Again, this is only my opinion, but if you are doing something that you could not do right in front of your spouse and you are actively hiding the same, then you know in your heart that your actions were wrong or you would not be actively hiding this. Your wife knows this, which is why she is so upset, hurt, and angry.

Imagine if one of your friends came to you with a photo of your wife and another man.  And it was a photo or an encounter and a relationship that she actively hid from you. How would you feel? Do you think you’d feel betrayed? I suspect that you would because that is the experience of most people. Whether you call it an affair or not, I think most would agree that it’s a betrayal that could potentially harm or even end your marriage. So no matter what you call it, I’d suspect that it needs your immediate attention.  And it would be a good idea to honestly ask yourself why you would be able to keep something like this from your spouse – or why would feel the need to. Because often, when people get their needs met by someone outside of their marriage, this typically says something about them, about their marriage, or about both.

Before you act, it makes sense to ask yourself where you want to go from here. The fact that you’re upset about your wife’s characterization of the ‘affair’ could indicate that you’re still emotionally invested. If your marriage is still important to you, I’d suggest that you worry more about helping your wife to process this and to heal rather than worrying about who is calling it an affair.

Yes, hearing yourself being called a cheater is probably hurtful and it makes you feel defensive. But this is just a word your wife is giving her process of feeling betrayed. Worry less about the words and more about the message behind them. And the message that she is giving you is that she’s hurt and she’s angry and she feels that you’re dismissing her very valid concerns.

You can agree on semantics later, but most people agree that carrying on a secret relationship behind your spouse’s back is wrong. Having that picture up for all to see had to be very hurtful to your wife. It’s understandable that she is reacting to that. Your getting defensive does nothing to address this, doesn’t help, and it just adds additional problems onto something that is already problematic.

The words that you use to describe what is happening doesn’t matter nearly as much as the actions that you use to solve this.  If I were the wife in this scenario, I’d probably react most positively to a heartfelt apology and a thorough explanation. And that’s just a start.  You can read more about martial recovery after betrayal on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: People who have affairs often truly believe that they are at least partly justified in the same. Many feel that they acted because they were somewhat unfulfilled in their marriages or they needed “something else” in their lives.  (I believe that this is sometimes a mistaken belief, but that’s beside the point.)  So when they are caught cheating, they will offer up these justifications in the hopes that their spouse can see their own role in it.  The hope is that there will be a realization that it takes two people to put a marriage is in jeopardy. The problem with this though, is that most of the time, this just sounds like excuses and refusing to take responsibility.

A wife might say: “I know that cheating is wrong. I do. But I am absolutely convinced that if my spouse had been a better husband to me, we would not be where we are today. For the past several years, he has given me no emotional support or affection. I’ve had a rough time of it health wise and he acts as if I am a burden to him. He never remembers things that are special to me. I met the other man at our doctor’s office. We share a doctor. He gives me the emotional support that I do not get from my husband. He shows me attention and care. I am not proud of cheating on my spouse but most of my friends understand because they see the void left by my husband. Of course, it wasn’t long before he found out. I was very honest with him and said that if he had been the husband he should have been, I would not have cheated. He rejects this and says that it is absolutely crazy. He says there is no one to blame but myself. He said that he will never share in the blame of my decisions. I know that this is going to sound weird, but I don’t want a divorce. I never intended to start a new long term relationship. I just loved feeling understood and supported. However, if my husband will never share in the blame, then I do not see how I can save my marriage.”

I understand where you are coming from, but perhaps you can see this from your husband’s point of view also. I can tell you, as someone who has been cheated on, that when your spouse starts listing the ways that you fell short in your marriage, it seems like what he is really doing is trying to deflect the blame. It seems like he is refusing to take responsibility for what was, essentially, a choice of his own making.

I am not saying that the faithful spouse never has a role to play – because they can and they do. (I did too.) But ultimately, it is not your spouse who made the decision to cheat. It was you who did that. Again, I can tell you that although I did eventually come to see the role I played in the entire mess, I wasn’t able to do this until enough time had passed for me to see it a little more objectively. And I believe that counseling helped with at least this part of it. Because I was able to accept it coming from someone else. But from my husband, it just sounded like lame excuses.

And, even though I eventually saw the places where I allowed our marriage to be vulnerable, this never meant my husband wasn’t culpable for his own actions. It most certainly did not excuse him or change my anger. It only made me see that, should we end up saving our marriage, we (and I as an individual) were going to need to make some changes.

Here’s another thing to consider. You probably don’t want to bring this up when you are discussing the reasons for the affair. You want to bring it up when you are talking about ensuring that it doesn’t happen again. Speaking from my own thought process, I believe that shared blame is easier to accept from you’re looking at it from a place of prevention instead of from at a place of who is most at fault. It was easier for me to think of changing the vulnerabilities in my marriage than thinking about how I was falling short. Because it’s just very hard to make that leap when your spouse is the one who took the action in the first place.

I know that it probably makes you feel better to know that your spouse’s actions contributed to the affair. However, your spouse is not the one who cheated. You have to accept that because it is the truth. Would you allow your child to hurt their sibling because that same sibling did something that the initiator did not like? Probably not. You’d encourage your children to talk it out and work through their problems instead of just reacting to them with actions and hurtful things that can’t be taken back. The same holds true here.

Because yes, some aspects of your marriage may have contributed to this. But you chose your own actions. If you want your spouse to see how their behavior played a role, the best way to do it isn’t to criticize or blame them, it’s to get them to a place where they are open to saving your marriage and then explaining what left your marriage vulnerable so that you can fix it by changing both of your behaviors.

I’m not saying you don’t deserve a more sensitive husband.  You do.  But you aren’t going to make him more sensitive by telling him that his insensitivity was why you cheated.  Instead, you want him to change his insensitivity because he wants to make your marriage better as a willing participant. My husband eventually learned this lesson and stopped playing the blame game.  When he did, I was more receptive to what he had to say. There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who really feel the need to set some firm boundaries after they have found out that their spouse has cheated on them. They often are not completely sure that they want to walk away from their marriage – especially if children are involved. But, they are unsure if they want to participate in their marriage in the same way. So they will often try to strike a compromise with very firm boundaries. Not surprisingly, the spouse who cheated will often scoff at these boundaries because he feels that they are meant to punish him.

A wife might say: “I almost can’t stand the sight of my husband right now. I found out that he has been having an affair with the wife of one of our couple friends. I am disgusted by this and I was very tempted to tell him to just leave and go be with her. I have not done this because of my kids. I have no idea how I would explain their father’s leaving to them. So I asked my husband to sleep in the guest room so that I would have some time to process all of this. I don’t even want to have him in my presence, and I most definitely do not want to sleep with him. He accepted this for only a little while and then he started pressuring me to let him move back into the bedroom. He said he wouldn’t pressure me for sex, but that he found it silly to feel like a guest in his own house. I told him that I am just not ready for this and he says he doesn’t think I’ll ever be ready and that I will use this as an excuse to keep him out and to never let him back in. Is it silly to want him to use the spare bedroom, at least for right now?”

I don’t think it’s silly at all. Some women ask their husbands to leave the house after they discover the cheating. Quite frankly, your husband doesn’t have it as bad as some. Some men are not even allowed to feel like guests in their own homes. Because they are not allowed in those homes. So although your husband might not like sleeping in the bedroom, he needs to realize that it could have been much worse for him.

It’s my experience that rushing intimacy before you are ready to do so is a mistake. Things are already difficult and awkward between you, and moving too quickly can just magnify all of the problems and make things even more intense. Plus, it makes you feel pressured and as if you are not in control of your own wishes, which isn’t fair.

You could try a conversation like: “well, you might think it is silly, but I think that it is necessary and it is my decision. I’m simply not ready to share a bedroom with you right now. There has not been enough healing or progress. And I do not want to rush things, only to have to back up later. I would hope that you could see that at least we are still under the same roof. Not every one can say that after infidelity. Some couples live apart and never live together again. Once we make progress, we can reevaluate the bedroom situation. But until then, I think it is best to leave things as they are. I know that this is not ideal for you. But dealing with your infidelity is not ideal for me. So we just have to do the best that we can. And right now, separate bedrooms is the best that I can do. Please don’t pressure me about it anymore.”

Hopefully, this conversation will hit home with him, but if not, I’d suggest seeing a counselor. Because although I am certainly not a counselor, I’d suspect that she (or he) would tell you that you are well within your rights to sleep separately right now. It’s better than forcing intimacy before you’re ready, so that you both have a disastrous experience. You have enough to deal with before adding sex back to the mix. Frankly, I find that the physical aspect of a marriage often isn’t great if the emotional aspect isn’t great. And after an affair, the emotional aspect is a mess. I think the best call is to fix the emotional part of your relationship and then to focus on the physical part. Your husband may not love this idea, but if he is committed to your marriage, he should at least be open to it.

Because he is the one who made this whole arrangement necessary in the first place. And he might know full well that you’re right about this, but he’s trying to make you feel guilty so that he can get back into the bedroom, fully aware that he doesn’t deserve it so soon. So sometimes you just have to calmly stand your ground or have a counselor tell him that you are right so that he can just drop this topic for now to allow healing to begin.

There were many issues like this for my husband and myself after his affair.  It wasn’t always easy to stand my ground, but I had to.   There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  People often assume that after the discovery of an affair, there is nothing but pain and struggles ahead.  Many people assume that although a couple may give a half-hearted attempt to save their marriage, this is mostly going to be a wasted effort, as couples who go through infidelity never end up being OK.

Even the couples themselves can assume this.  That’s why you may be pleasantly surprised when you look around and realize that you’re feeling just a little bit better and more hopeful a little while after the affair — because you can not deny that you are your spouse are making some progress.   And there is no denying that this feels good.  And that the relief you feel is a nice contrast to the hopelessness that it replaced.

You may feel so good about this that you want to share it with others. You may want to confide in people who love you who have been worried about you.  It’s normal to want to ease their burden by letting them know that things are better.  In the best of times, most people will be happy for you.  But, in the not so best of times, some people can’t hide their skepticism.  And because they don’t want for you to be hurt and they think that they are ‘helping,’ they may rain on your parade a little bit.

It could be described this way: “three months ago, I was feeling more hopeless than I ever had in my life.  I had just found out that my husband had an affair.  And I assumed that I was going to end up divorced and that my kids were going to be raised by a single-mother.  This all terrified me and it made me look at life in a very pessimistic way.  Very luckily, I had a lot of dear girlfriends who allowed me to lean on them.  I am so grateful for this.  About three weeks after the affair, my husband told me he’d found a counselor that he wanted for us to see.  I was skeptical, but now I am her biggest fan.  She has helped us so much.  My husband and I are talking more than we have in years and are actually getting along and laughing together at times.  I feel my heart lifting just a little bit.  I am starting to feel relief that I never thought was going to be possible so quickly.  I know that we have a lot of work to do.  I’m not too stupid to realize that.  But I can’t help but feel a little hopeful. And of course, I wanted to share this with those wonderful women who supported me.  I told five women.  Three of them were happy of me and supportive.  But two of them pretty much said: ‘don’t be a fool.  Keep your guard up.  Don’t let him fool you twice.’  I tried to explain the progress that we made in counseling and their response was basically: ‘he just wants you think that you have made progress.’  I love these women, but I am so disappointed.  And now all of my relief has gone out of the window because now I’m second-guessing myself and thinking that they are probably right.”

I know that this must feel very confusing.  On the one hand, there is reason for celebration.  And on the other hand, there is reason for disappointment.  But from experience, I know that you have to take your victories where you can get them.  And you have to make a choice about where to place your focus.

So two of the five women were less than enthusiastic.  But three of the five felt exactly as you did.  You can not win them all.  And frankly, it is not the two pessimistic women’s marriages that we are talking about.  It is yours.  To be fair to them, they probably think that their honesty is based on love.  They are trying to temper your enthusiasm because they love you and they do not want for you to be hurt. Their heart is in the right place, but their actions are not.

My inclination would be to maintain their friendship, but to find something other than my marriage to talk about.  I learned the hard way that when confiding about the affair, you have to carefully chose who is the best candidate for your confidence.  Very few people are able to just step back and offer your their unconditional support without giving you their opinions and without lecturing you.  But these are the people that you want and need right now.

I would suggest maintaining your hopeful attitude.  You are intelligent enough to know that you still need to pay attention to what is going on around you, but nothing says that you can’t do that while still celebrating the progress that you have made and still building on it.  Reconciliations and saved marriages start with progress exactly like that which you have described.  You have every reason to be hopeful.  And you are doing everything exactly right.

There is no reason for you to let the opinion of others bring you down.  None of those women are sitting in the counselor’s office or in your home.  So they can not evaluate things in the way that you can.  I know that their reaction may have been disappointing. But right now, you need to focus on those things that can move you forward. And it seems that there is plenty of that in your life right now.  Focus on the gratitude that you have for the progress you have made and keep it going.

One of the hard lessons we have to learn after the affair is that not everyone can support us in the way that we need them to.  That doesn’t mean that they don’t love us or want what is best for us.  It just means that they don’t know how to provide what we need.  We have to learn to be very picky about what we disclose and what we ask for.  This is all part of the process.   You can read more about how I separated the good from the bad at  http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Often when we find out our spouse or significant other has been cheating, we expect an apology right away. Most of us believe that it’s obvious who is at fault in this situation and that is the person who cheated. And, as a result, he is the one who should be expected to give an immediate and sincere apology.

But when this apology never comes, there can be a question as to what happens then. Do you wait for one? And if so, for how long?

A wife might explain: “I will not pretend that I had a perfect marriage before my husband had an affair. We did not. Much of it was my fault. I have never denied this. However, we’ve had problems that have stemmed from my husband also and I did not and would not cheat on him. The fact that he cheated on me at the first sign of trouble in our marriage makes me furious. And I expected him to apologize right away. I certainly would have. But he didn’t. He got angry at me for catching him and since then he hasn’t had much to say. I discussed this with his brother and he said that he believes that my husband is genuinely sorry, but that he is just embarrassed. He says that if I wait, he is sure that I will get an apology eventually. But, how long should I have to wait for him to say that he is sorry?”

Actions Are Most Important, But It’s Normal To Want To Hear The Words: I’m certainly not an expert in this, but I don’t think there are any rules or guidelines about it. Because it’s up to you to decide what is reasonable. I’d want to KNOW that he is sorry and I’d certainly want a formal and verbal apology sooner rather than later. But I also think that actions are always much more important than words in this situation. There are many husbands who issue pat apologies immediately but then who go on and act like anything but a remorseful husband who truly wants to make things right. And then there are men who don’t say much but whose actions speak loud and clear and indicate that this man truly is sorry and is serious about saving his marriage because he’s showing his wife his remorse with his attention with his actions.

If you are seeing a counselor already, then I’d suggest bringing up this issue with her (or him if you have a male counselor.) She can help explore why you haven’t received an apology and, as a result, you may get what you want. Or, you can just ask him directly with a conversation like: “I can’t help but notice that you have yet to say that you are sorry for the affair. This shocks me because if I were the one who cheated, I would have immediately expressed my regret and I would have gone out of my way with my actions to show you how sorry I was. And yet, you haven’t said anything like that to me. This makes me question whether you are truly sorry at all. I can’t read your mind. I don’t know what you feel if you don’t tell me.”

At this point, he may tell you he is sorry. Or, if he has been posturing, he may keep it up. What I mean by posturing is that it’s common for cheating spouses to act indignant and angry after they are caught because they are trying to set the tone going forward. They don’t want to pay a high price for this or to have you bring it up all the time. So, with their behavior (or lack of it,) they are trying to shut you down before you even get started.

This doesn’t mean that they aren’t sorry. It’s very common and it just means that they are trying to make things easier on themselves. Sometimes, you just have to let them know that they aren’t going to be successful with this strategy and they will sometimes just drop it. But many of them try posturing first.

When Posturing Comes Into Play: And, your husband’s brother could be right. He could be embarrassed and ashamed and therefore not sure how to express himself. However, if you feel you deserve or want an apology (and I’d certainly agree that you do,) there is nothing wrong with asking for it. I feel it’s better to ask than to sit around and wonder and then to feel angry because you aren’t getting it. Sometimes, as unfortunate as it is and as unfair as it seems at the time, we have to ask our spouse for what we need if we truly want to get it.

He can’t read our minds and he often feels that he is already walking on eggshells, which can make him scared to take the initiative.  Or, he may be grappling with all sorts of feelings which he isn’t sure how to act on. Sometimes, he is waiting for more feedback from you.

It is quite an adjustment to learn how to ask for what you need.  But what better time than now?  You deserve an apology and in order to heal, you will need some things from him.  If he’s not giving them to you, then it never hurts to ask.  There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  When your husband has had an affair, you often think about what might need to happen in order to get your life to even approach normal again. You may not be sure what you want to happen with your marriage, but you just want to feel normal without all of this painful conflict.

As you are pondering this, you might start thinking ahead to what it would take to save your marriage, should you chose that route.  People often don’t understand why their mind “goes there.”  It’s confusing to them how they could be thinking about these things when they are so very angry at their spouse and don’t even know if they want to stay married.  I understand this, but looking back now, I think that we are just trying to determine what we might be up against.  It’s just human nature to want to look ahead in order to see how things might unfold.

Part of looking forward is wondering what might be needed from you if you should chose to save your marriage. You’re wondering what your husband might want or expect from you.  This can be the case even if you yourself don’t know what it is what you want.

A wife’s thought process might go something like this: “I am still reeling from finding out that my husband had an affair. I am still trying to figure out where I stand and what I want.  My husband doesn’t seem to really care what I want because he doesn’t seem to know what he wants either. He says that many things would have to change.  When he says this, it’s almost as if he is implying that he is wanting to see some things from me in order to move forward.  What do husbands typically want from wives after they have an affair?”

This is a tough question because frankly, I think it is more important what the faithful spouse wants and needs after the affair.  Since the cheating spouse is the one who brought this mess unto the marriage, then I would think and believe that he would be the one who would  need to worry about what lies ahead.  That is the ideal, anyway.  But I know that in real life, we don’t always live the ideal.  We have to make compromises so that everyone feels like they have gotten at least some of what they need.

Below, I’ll tell you what some cheating husbands have indicated that they need.  But, since I’m the one writing this article and it is my opinion coming through, I’m only going to include those wishes which I believe are fair.  Because quite honestly, many cheating husbands really wish their wives would just forgive and forget immediately. I’m sure they think it would be very nice if their mistakes would just be wiped away.  But that’s not fair to the faithful spouse.  And if you just brush this over, you aren’t dealing with the issues that may have a real and lasting impact on your marriage in the future.  I also want to stress that you need to explore what you want and what you expect from him. But here are the wishes that I alluded to.

To Be Open To A Brighter Future:  Many cheating husbands are fully aware that this is all their fault.  And frankly, many are willing to make this right with their wife again.  Many realize that they may have to have patience, go to counseling, and jump through some hoops.  And this can be OK with them.  But what they do not want is a wife who is going to hold this over their heads for every day of the rest of their lives.  They don’t want to look at the future and imagine that their wife is going to relive this and punish them for their affair each and every day. Because if this is the reality, many would rather bow out before they even give it try. That isn’t to say that they don’t know that healing is going to take time.  But they want to know that, assuming they do what they are supposed to do to help with healing, that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

A Willingness To Rebuild A Satisfying Marriage:  This goes back to the same idea as above, but men want to know that one day, they can have an exciting and intimate marriage once again.  They don’t want to go through the motions and not have legitimate love, excitement, and intimacy in their lives.  Yes, they know that rebuilding is going to take some time.  Still, they want to know that the work is going to be with it and that they will have a strong marriage that would have been worth fighting for.

They Want You To Be Willing To Still See The Good In Them:  One of the most common things a cheating man will say is something like: “I am not a bad person.  I just made a mistake.”  Cheating men often have the hope that one day, you will consider all of the good things that they have done instead of just the one bad thing.   They know that they are at fault in the here and now.  But they hope that one day, you will allow them to get into your good graces once again, assuming that they do what they need to do in order to deserve it.

In short, what cheating husbands typically want most in terms of your marriage is feeling like they will one day have another chance with you as long as they do the healing work.

I am pretty sure that my husband had all of these hopes, although he may not have gotten these things as early as he wanted.  In good time, he did get them though.  And I am glad we made the effort because no one wants the life and the marriage that is less than they deserve and that includes the faithful spouse. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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