Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many faithful wives have serious fears and reservations when it comes to their cheating spouse. Many worry that they will never be able to trust him again. Or they worry that their marriage will never recover. And some worry that if it does recover, it’s not going to be a marriage that anyone would want.

Someone might say, “I must admit that my husband has really tried to make things up to me after his affair. We’ve honestly really tried. We’ve gone to counseling. We’ve given this a lot of time. And we even spent a good deal of time apart. As far as my husband is concerned, we are on the mend. And I mostly agree with this, but I cannot pretend that things are still the same or that they ever will be. When I’m quiet and thoughtful, I still think about his affair. I still think about that betrayal. I know he’s sorry for it, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt me horribly. Yes, things are certainly better than they were. I can’t deny that. But I also wish – all of the time – that this had never happened. And sometimes, I wonder if I’m ever going to be able to get rid of this resentment and these feelings. If not, what is the point of staying married? Sometimes, I have serious worries that I am going to regret staying married after the affair. I am worried that I am sentencing myself to just more of these feelings for the rest of my life. Is this silly?”

I certainly don’t think it is silly. I had these concerns too. I was most concerned about my anger. I became a very angry, suspicious person for a time, and I was worried that remaining married would just reinforce that anger. 

But, I also worried that if I got a divorce because of the affair, I would regret that too. I had built a life with this man. We shared family. A divorce meant I would just be expected to walk away from all of this as if it never existed and didn’t matter.  

I also worried about being alone. I am the type of person who likes having someone with whom to share my life. Despite all we’d been through, my husband still wanted to share his life with me. And I still wanted to share my life with someone. I figured that perhaps I owed it to him and to myself and my family to see if he could once again become the person I chose to share my life with.

I didn’t give him any guarantees. He had to earn it. And I can’t tell you that I was always sure about my choice initially – or even months into it. 

But I can tell you that, now that a good deal of time has passed, I do not regret it. Now, to be fair, my husband has made good on his promises. He does not participate in risky behavior, and we are both invested in our marriage. We haven’t had to deal with the trauma of that period again, thankfully. So my level of regret may certainly be different if my circumstances were different. 

I do think there are things that you can do to minimize the chances that you will feel regret. I’ll list them below.

Don’t Be Shy About Defining Exactly What You Need: I find that many faithful wives (myself included) expect our cheating spouse to intuitively know what we need and want. They typically don’t. They know that we want them to make it better. They know that we want them to be remorseful. But they don’t always understand that we need them to clearly express themselves so that we understand what went wrong and what is needed to fix it.

They do not always realize that we need them to remove any dangerous behaviors and to check in and be accountable. They don’t understand that these necessities are open-ended. There’s no expiration date on these reassurances. 

That is why you’ll sometimes need to spell this out. And you may feel resentment for having to do this. I understand that. But spelling it out is the only way you’ll get those reassurances that you need so that you’re not having to constantly worry about going through this more than once. 

If You Begin To Feel Doubt or Regret, Speak Up:  As I alluded to before, anger was a problem for me. And often, I wouldn’t tell my husband what he’d done that had made me angry. I expected him to just know. So he’d continue to do the thing that was causing my resentment. And I’d continue to be angry. And it was an awful cycle because he felt that he could never win, and I felt I’d never get the marriage I wanted.

You have to be honest during this process. If his taking a phone call privately bugs you, tell him immediately. If his computer being turned off gets your senses tingling and makes you feel weird, tell him that this must stop for now. There’s no reason for you to continue to be uncomfortable and angry if your speaking up could avoid some of this. 

Tell Yourself That Your Life is Bigger Than This:  I found in my own life that I tended to make everything about the affair. And that is normal initially. But it’s not helpful when it happens for a long period. One day, I realized that I had other things in my life where I could place my focus – my work, my family, my friends, and my personal interests. Everything didn’t need to revolve around my husband and his cheating. Everything didn’t need to revolve around recovery because as it was, I was choking the lifeblood out of everything else in my life. 

Sometimes, you need a balance to have perspective. Yes, you want to give yourself every bit of the time you need to heal. But at some point, you’re going to want to live life past the affair. You want to give yourself permission to truly move on. And if the marriage isn’t working for you at that time, you can always make a different decision. You can always deal with regret appropriately if need be.  

That decision is individual for everyone. But for me, I wanted to give my marriage a fair try before giving up. If I regretted that, then I could always change things later. Thankfully, I didn’t have to do that.  I didn’t feel regret.  But I had to take a chance to get here.  You can read the rest of the story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I think most people understand why a faithful wife would be angry at the woman who is cheating with her husband. I also think that most people would agree that a wife in this situation has every right to lash out. And many wives do just that. In a moment when their emotions get the better of them, they may say things that are unkind, but completely understandable. And, honestly, at times, this can make them feel a little better. Unless their husband admonishes them and defends the other woman. 

A wife might say, “My husband has been cheating on me with a women who I cannot stand to look at. She looks like a tramp. She posts pictures on social media that are just shy of lingerie shots. She makes sure she shows tons of cleavage and leaves nothing to the imagination. If my husband is to be believed, she came onto and pursued him. I can somewhat believe this because I think she wants his money. My husband is reasonably well off, and she is not. I love my husband, and I’m not trying to put him down. But she’s out of his league – except for the money. “

“The other day, I was pretty angry about this whole thing and I called the other woman a nasty name. I won’t repeat it. But it starts with a wh. My husband acted as if I uttered something sinful. He literally gasped, and he told me that he never wanted to hear that word come out of my mouth again. He then scolded me and said that this woman is a single mother who struggles to make ends meet to care for her children. He insisted that she has a mother with dementia who lives with her because she’d never put her mother in a home. He claimed that this tramp goes to church every Sunday like she’s a saint or something. So suddenly, it was like I was the bad woman in this scenario. I honestly had no idea how I was supposed to respond, so I said nothing. And I haven’t said anything since. I haven’t talked to him since. He’s followed me around and asked if I’m going to punish him for just speaking the truth. I don’t know. But this hurt me deeply. He took her side over mine. And a wh is someone who has sex for money. That’s exactly what she did. How can he look at her and not see someone with questionable morals? What does this mean for us? Is he going to prioritize her forever? He says that it’s over, but he also says that he won’t turn on her and say untrue things just to make me happy.”

None of this means that you can’t recover or that your husband will necessarily choose sides in the long run. Rather, many men have a need to defend nearly everything at all costs after they’re caught having an affair. I’ll explain. 

He Doesn’t Want to Admit that He was Duped by a Certain Kind of Woman:  No one wants to believe that they were naive because they were needy and insecure and, as a result, the wool was pulled over their eyes. How embarrassing to know that because you wanted to feel desired, you were willing to overlook common sense. How mortifying to think that people have judgments about the type of person who was able to con you. How terrifying to think that someone just had sex with you for monetary reasons.

You can see how someone would want to play mental gymnastics to keep from facing this reality. He would rather believe that he cheated with a hard-working single mother who takes care of her demented mother than who he actually cheated with.

To be fair, you can’t really know this woman. You’re on the outside looking in. But you can bet that your husband is going to paint her in the most flattering light possible – especially in the beginning – because that makes him look less silly and less taken advantage of.

Do You Just Let Him Have His Delusions?: I understand why you haven’t responded. It’s hard to talk about this rationally when you suspect he’s going to keep defending her, which is going to just make you angrier and angrier. And why give yourself just one more reason to tear each other apart about right now?

Sometimes, you can just give this time. As things cool down, and he gets some distance, he will come to see the true reality of this situation. He may not come out and tell you that he was wrong, but he will see it, and he may be ashamed. Once that happens, he won’t feel it’s necessary to defend her anymore.

But since he’s digging in right now, I don’t see any reason to debate it continuously with no real solution. You’re obviously going to have very different opinions about who this person is and what she stands for. At least until he’s had more time and perspective. 

You don’t need to pretend to agree with him. He would never believe that anyway. And honestly, any reasonably intelligent person would realize that someone in your shoes is going to have choice words for the other woman. In his heart, he must somewhat understand your anger.

Sometimes, it helps to ask him how he’d characterize a man with whom you were cheating. Would he be willing to believe that this man is filled with integrity, hard-working, and genuine? Even if he were going behind your husband’s back to having a relationship with your husband’s wife? If your husband can think about this way, he may see reason.

We’re all going to villainize the people who hurt us. This is no different. And your husband’s defending her is never going to make you say, “Oh yes, I see now. You’re absolutely right. I apologize for my bitter words.” 

He’ll probably figure that out on his own. I did tend to villainize the woman in my husband’s affair, especially at first. But one day, I decided that the real enemy was the anger, pain, and resentment that I continued to carry around with me like a heavy weight. I got so tired of carrying it. So I decided to prioritize healing rather than blame. It took me a while to get to that place, but when I did, it worked for me.  You can read about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many faithful spouses start out feeling that something is off with their spouse. He’s acting weird. They notice that he is doing things that he wouldn’t normally do and saying things that he wouldn’t normally say. So for a while, many faithful spouses watch and wait.  

Eventually, they may see some text messages, DMs, and social media interactions that would look inappropriate to any logical person. Then that feeling that something is off turns into a certainty that the faithful spouse’s suspicions were correct.  

She may watch and wait for a while longer before she confronts him. But when she does, she doesn’t get the reaction she was hoping for. He pretends he has no idea what she’s talking about. He’ll tell her that she has a good imagination or that she is paranoid or even crazy. And then he’ll straight up deny that he was cheating.  

So she goes back to the drawing board and attempts to get more proof. When she does, she approaches him again, but no matter how she comes at it, he makes it clear that he is never going to admit to anything. He’s never going to give up his repeated defenses.

She might say, “I know that my husband cheated. I pretty much got the other woman to admit as much. But he will not give an inch when I confront him about it. He’ll ask me if I caught him in the act. He’ll ask me if I literally saw him cheat. He’ll ask me if I have video or photographic evidence. He knows I have none of these, so he acts like that’s the last word. He acts like if I can’t prove anything, then it didn’t happen. So I feel like I’m somewhat stuck. How do I know for sure that he’s cheating if no one will actually admit to it?”

The Cheating Spouse Will Often Find Ways to Try to Fool You: This is very tricky, and this question comes up quite a bit. I’ve actually known people who’ve attempted to hire investigators to catch the cheating spouse, but then he stopped cheating because he knew the wife was onto him, so she couldn’t even catch him that way. Many times, if a cheating spouse thinks you’re very close to catching him, then he’ll just shut the entire thing down. 

Many Cheating Spouses Can Walk Away From the Affair Without a Backward Glance to Avoid Detection: Even though many people perceive that affairs involve real feelings and legitimate, growing relationships, statistics often show the opposite. Often, these are short-term relationships that fizzle out upon detection, once the novelty wears off, or shortly thereafter. There are exceptions, of course, but many cheating spouses can walk away from the relationship rather than getting caught red-handed and having to admit to wrongdoing. Because honestly, the relationship just didn’t mean that much. 

Deciding if You Want to Go Forward Anyway: If you’ve tried everything and he’s continued to deny it, you really have to decide if you want to proceed as if he cheated without needing that proof. Many wives decide that their gut feeling is enough and that having “enough” circumstantial evidence is good enough for them. 

So these wives proceed as if he’d cheated. They just stop asking him about it, and they carry on as if a confirmation has already happened. And that can shift the power. You go from begging him to give you a confirmation to acting as if you don’t need to get one from him anyway.

Of course, this won’t work for every spouse. Some will want to give their spouse the benefit of the doubt or talk themselves out of the worst-case scenario. They’ll tell themselves that perhaps they’re seeing things that don’t exist or that there is a logical explanation for everything. But still, there is a nagging doubt in the back of their mind. And they cannot rest.

If You Truly Need Confirmation: Sometimes, in cases where you truly need confirmation, if you can get your spouse to go to some type of counseling – even at your church – the counselor or pastor will need to get some background and will gently nudge your spouse to admit the affair.

Other times, you can try to work your way through self-help, and when you ask him to participate, it will, like with counseling, ask both of you to identify some of the things that went wrong. Again, it’s a nudge for him to come clean at a time when you’ve shown good faith that you are trying to work with him.

Finally, sometimes, the wives who proceed “as if” finally get a confession when it becomes obvious that she’s going to assume he did it anyway. Whether he cops to it or not, she’s going to require rehabilitation and healing if he wants the marriage to resume in the same way it used to. 

She’s going to hold back from him until he gives her what she’s been looking for. So what’s the point of lying?

Understanding His Backward Mindset May Help: I know that this is frustrating. It’s exhausting when a spouse refuses to admit to the cheating you both know is present. It would be so much easier if he would have the integrity to own up to his behavior. I have been through this. It is infuriating when your spouse plays games on top of cheating.

But it may help to try to understand his mindset. He believes that if he can stall or even deny it, then he can avoid the consequences and the pain. He knows that once the cat is out of the bag, you are going to be very hurt – especially when he has to tell you everything, and you learn even more of the details. Many cheating spouses would want to avoid this at all costs. In his mind, he’s trying to spare some of the fallout, which he may believe is understandable or even justified.

I’m not saying that you have to believe anything he says. I’m just suggesting that if you understand his thought process, you’ll have an easier time getting around it. You get to decide if you’re going to accept his denials or not. You get to examine all of the evidence and decide if it is more than enough for you – no matter what he says to the contrary.

I was lucky that I had indisputable proof.  However, there were many times where it felt like I had to pull teeth to get information.  And I had to figure out the best way to deal with a spouse who sometimes wanted to rush the healing process.  You can read about how I eventually successfully navigated this at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Sex can be one of the most awkward parts of affair recovery, and that awkwardness can happen even if things otherwise go relatively okay. But married couples trying to recover from an affair who have a bad sexual experience can feel even more pain and doubt than before. And they can start to wonder if the bad sex means that they won’t ever recover. This can be particularly true when the husband has erectile dysfunction or impotence after the affair. 

A wife might be in a situation like this, “I caught my husband cheating six weeks ago, although he’s been trying to deny it. But I feel like I have indisputable proof. At times, he’s sort of reluctantly conceded that he’s done something wrong and has acted inappropriately. So while he hasn’t come out and admitted it, exactly, I feel like it’s understood between us that I am proceeding as if this were an affair, and he’s no longer going to argue with me about it. I’m honestly still not sure what I want to do about this marriage, but I haven’t kicked him out. Last night, we had too much to drink, and we ended up fooling around, and it became clear we were probably going to have sex. But my husband couldn’t do the deed. And then he tried to claim that he’s been having problems with impotence, almost as if this should mean that he didn’t cheat after all. This is just more fuel to the fire for me. It’s more hurtful feelings for me. Now I have to grapple with thoughts like he no longer finds me attractive or that he won’t be able to overcome whatever thing he’s grappling with to be a real husband to me. I worry our sex life will never recover. Is this impotency thing for real? Or is it just an excuse?”

It can certainly be for real in some cases. But that doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you, your body, or your ability to have an intimate relationship in the future. I’ll explain below.

Why Men Can Sometimes Experience ED or Impotence After an Affair:  Even men who’ve never had an issue can have erectile dysfunction issues after an affair due to guilt and shame. I think that sometimes people underestimate just how embarrassed husbands can be. And much of that embarrassment is tied to sex. So when they have sex with you again, they know that this is the moment that all eyes are on him and on his performance. They know that the stakes are high and they know how much can go wrong if the sex doesn’t go well. He may also wonder if you’ll hold back from him at the last minute. As a result, he may wonder if having sex is the best idea, even if it is what he wants. He may worry that he’s taking advantage of you and that he’ll look like all he is interested in is having sex with whoever will have it with him. All of these emotions can lead to a sexual dysfunction that has absolutely nothing to do with your desirability or attractiveness. And that is why you should never blame yourself.

Options to Keep Things From Getting Worse:  The awkwardness that can happen during sex is one of the biggest obstacles that many couples need to overcome. Physical intimacy is a large part of a marriage, and if you feel you can’t get it back, you might begin to doubt your ability to recover. 

That’s why I believe it’s very important to protect the intimacy and even prolong attempting sex if need be. This is a very personal decision. But I decided to put off sex until I felt that my husband and I had mostly recovered. I just didn’t want to add one more thing to worry about, and I didn’t want to attempt sex until I was sure that it was something that I was really ready for and wanted to do. Plus, I obviously wanted it to go well, and I was afraid that it wouldn’t.

There is nothing that says you can’t delay sex until more healing has taken place. You can simply tell your husband that you probably rushed into the sex, and you can try again later if that is what you both want when you’ve made more progress. You don’t need to say it like it is punishment, but as if it’s just part of the process, and the time is just not right yet.

At the same time, I’d be careful not to add to his shame. Not being able to perform is horrifying to most men. Even if you tell them that it happens sometimes and that it can happen to anyone, they can take it personally. It can also make them feel even worse about themselves at a time when their self-esteem is at an all-time low. He’s likely very low and vulnerable right now, so as tempting as it may be, try not to add to it. 

You May Definitivity Know When the Time is Right For Sex:  I know that this attempt happened during a night of drinking. But most of the time, I believe it is obvious when the time is right. I always told myself that I’d wait to have sex again until it was very obvious to both my husband and myself that we didn’t want to wait anymore.  

If there was any doubt at all, I felt it was better to wait. I felt it was better to let desire build up and go unsatisfied than to have a bad experience. And I have heard this from other couples. If you decide to remain married, you’ll have the rest of your life to have sex. I don’t see any reason to rush it and then have a bad experience that makes both of you experience even more doubt and fear. There’s already enough to deal with and worry about. 

But to answer the original concern, impotency does happen after an affair due to guilt and shame. And, it can resolve itself in time as healing takes place.  And I believe that it is definitely possible to heal, although it does take time, determination, and patience.  You can read about how I ultimately healed at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Most faithful spouses anticipate severe marital challenges after they learn their spouse has cheated or had an affair. Many understand the need to navigate trust issues and resentment toward their spouse. These effects are known to most people.  

But I find that many faithful spouses are surprised at some unanticipated effects popping up. Unfortunately, many assume that these unexpected effects mean they aren’t coping well or that something is wrong with them. Neither is true.   

Below, I’ll list some things I wish I’d known about when trying to recover from an affair. If these things ring true for you, know that you are not alone and that they can be normal. 

Anger at Friends and Family: This one still baffles me somewhat. I made a very conscious decision to only tell a select few people about the affair, which meant I kept it from most of those close to me. I did this because I’d seen loved ones refuse to stop talking about someone else’s affair, even though the faithful spouse was more than ready to let it go. I didn’t want the affair following me around forever – even if it was because of well-meaning family members or friends.

So I didn’t have to hear their unsolicited opinions or advice. Still, I was angry at some of them. Why? Because I – probably illogically – thought that some of them should have told me if they noticed something “off” about my husband or myself. Had I let myself go? Why hadn’t my sister and cousins told me? Did someone see my husband’s eyes following other women? Why did no one mention it?

Of course, now that I have hindsight, I honestly believe neither of these things was true. And that is why no one said anything. 

A Feeling that Most People Can’t Be Trusted:  I’ll be honest. My husband’s affair pretty much caught me off guard. He’d always been a good man, a trustworthy person, and, I thought, a solid spouse. How had I been fooled so easily? Did I just have bad radar? Was I just naive and stupid?

To make myself feel better, I started researching affairs and reading accounts of other people who have been through this. I learned that infidelity is very common, and it is not out of the ordinary for the faithful spouse not to suspect anything.

These tidbits of information started to make me think that there are MANY people in the world who are fooling and deceiving those they love. So I got a bit paranoid, and I started to think that everyone was cheating. If I’d go to a neighborhood or work get-together, I’d start to size up the men and wonder who among them was cheating on the sly.  

Thankfully, now that I’ve healed, I don’t do this anymore. It’s not really my business, and I now realize that my perception was negatively skewed during that time. It’s not in my best interest to go through the world in distrust and paranoia.

Guarding, and Then Closing Off, Your Heart: It is understandable to back away from your spouse after you learn of the infidelity. You don’t want to get hurt again. You don’t want to feel that kind of rejection again, so you kind of close yourself off from your spouse. You stop having expectations, and you stop reaching out. What is more surprising, however, is that eventually, you can close off your heart to people who’ve done nothing to hurt you. 

I even guarded myself against friends and coworkers. There were times that even tender occasions like the birth of a child couldn’t melt me. I worried that the parents of that child would one day find themselves dealing with what I was dealing with, and I wondered if it was a happy occasion after all. That is how skewed my thinking became. 

Eventually, I realized that I was placing myself in the worst type of prison. Loving and tender feelings toward other people are one of life’s great joys. I didn’t want to be a guarded, bitter, unfeeling person. So I eventually consciously started to allow myself to feel and be vulnerable again. 

No Longer Giving a Care About Surprising Things and Learning That Life is Too Short:  I am generally a pretty conscientious person. I want to do the right thing. I want to be a good person. I want to leave the world a little better than I found it most of the time. I am not someone who is ever going to break a rule or go against the tide. I am generally a world-class worrier because of this. After the affair, this changed. Because the worst had happened. 

 I learned that you can’t worry yourself into safety. So, after the affair, if I wanted to do something – I did it. I no longer fretted about always doing the prudent thing. Life is too short to always wait for the right time or to worry about something outside your control.  

After I’d had a little time to begin to heal, I stopped being so apologetic. I lived my life with less fear. What was the worst thing that could have happened at that point? This shift was actually quite healthy for me. 

Much More Honesty and Intimacy in Your Marriage and Relationships: I didn’t realize it at the time, by my husband and I used to “nice” one another. What I mean by that is that we’d often talk in pleasant small talk about topics that didn’t matter all that much. It wasn’t a bad way to live, but it didn’t encourage the deep intimacy most people want and need in their marriages.

Once the affair happened, there was no reason to tiptoe around any topic at all. So things started to eventually get brutally honest. And although that hurt for a bit, it was healthy in the long run. I don’t worry about anyone judging me anymore. I say what I really feel, I speak the truth, and the chips can fall where they may. This makes for a much more genuine relationship that feels much more authentic.

I’ve noticed this shift in my friendships and other relationships as well. There’s just no reason to pretend. You either want a real relationship or you don’t. And yes, maintaining one is extra work and requires vulnerability. But it feels so much better than before. 

As I’ve alluded to, I do believe that true healing is possible, but unfortunately, you sometimes have to get through some difficult things first.  If it helps, you can read about my journey though this at https://surviving-the-affair.

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By: Katie Lersch: I must offer fair disclosure. Most of the time, I write my articles for the faithful spouse. That is the demographic who most often reads my articles, and those are the shoes that I myself have been in. However, sometimes when I look over the analytics for this blog, I see that there are queries from unfaithful spouses or even from the other person in the affair.

Sometimes, these queries affect everyone involved in the affair – including the faithful spouse. So I’d like to address one of them, which is what the other person should do if the faithful spouse confronts them. I’ve had people from all sides of the affair ask me about the topic, so I’ll offer my opinion in the hopes that it might help someone. 

First, here’s what the person asking the question might say, “I have to just get this out of the way. I’ve been having an affair with someone married. I never meant to hurt anyone. And I honestly thought that this would not last and that no real feelings would develop, but they have. So we haven’t broken things off like I’d assumed we would. I don’t believe that there will ever be anything permanent between us. I know that he’s never going to leave his wife for me. But his wife found out, and the man I’m having an affair with said that the wife is going to confront me as soon as she gets the chance. I have no idea what to say to her or how to react. I know of her because we live in the same area. I’ve had contact with her children. I know that she is very highly thought of in our community, and she is known as someone kind and caring. But she’s also a mama bear when it comes to her kids, and she probably thinks I’ve hurt her family. I have no interest in having an ugly confrontation. And upsetting this woman who has done nothing wrong isn’t something I want to do. But I have no idea what’s going to happen if this angry person comes at me demanding answers. What should I do?”

I will try to approach this as objectively as I can, and I’ll try to spare the feelings of everyone involved. I believe that no good can come from a confrontation. Emotions are too high to have an actual give-and-take conversation where anything is resolved. That is why I’d recommend trying to avoid the situation in the following ways.

Make a Confrontation Unnecessary:  Think about it for a second. Why do you think the wife wants to confront the other woman? One of the primary reasons is likely to tell her that the affair must stop. It’s to make the other woman see just what kind of damage she has done. Do you know what would make all of this feel a little bit less necessary? If the affair were over. If this relationship were to come to an end, the wife could focus on her healing instead of trying to get answers and resolutions.

Have Her Husband Offer Her Honest Answers:  Sometimes, the wife wants to talk to the other woman because her husband is refusing to answer her questions about the affair – or he’s refusing to be frank and honest. So she has to resort to trying to get the information from someone else.

Quite frankly, the best person to give this wife the information that she wants and needs is her husband. He should be encouraged to be forthcoming with her and give her what she needs so that she doesn’t have to resort to unfortunate and damaging confrontations that aren’t likely to help anyway. 

If She Does Confront You:  If you try the above and she still catches you unaware and is determined to confront you, please don’t engage and make things worse. No good can come of a confrontation about a very hurtful topic between two people who are so invested. She will likely be accusatory, and you’ll be defensive, so it will be difficult to come to any type of peaceful resolution. And I’m certainly not implying that you should stand there and accept words that feel extremely hurtful. It’s better to just exit the situation as soon as possible.

If you must talk to her, the best outcome would probably follow you saying what you’ve already expressed – that you never meant to hurt anyone, and you never intended for this to be a long-term thing. If you are prepared to tell her that you’ll no longer see her husband, that would probably be the best gift you could give her. 

After that, it would be an additional gift if you could leave her husband and her family alone. They have much healing to do. You likely have plenty of healing also. One of the hardest parts of recovery for many couples is when the communication between the affair partners keeps going. It is arguably usually best for everyone to cut it off and to move on. It is hard for a wife to move on when she knows she still has to worry about someone else. If you really don’t want to hurt her, then take that burden off of her plate. 

Then let her husband deal with the mess he’s made and walk away. I say this in the spirit of what is the most healthy for all involved, and that is healing. The fastest way for healing to take place is for the relationship to end so the real work can begin. 

I hope you don’t have to deal with a confrontation, and I’d try very hard to avoid it. But try to put yourself in her shoes. She’s likely reeling and looking for information and resolution in any way she can get it.

I suspect that there are some faithful wives reading this article. If it helps, healing is possible whether you stay in your marriage or not. I stayed, but either way, it’s possible to move on. You’re welcome to read about how I did that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I think it’s safe to say that most wives dealing with infidelity fantasize about a husband who immediately admits to his infidelity, quickly understands the gravity of his actions, and swiftly and willingly begins the work of rehabilitation and recovery.

However, for many wives, that scenario is truly a fantasy. It is human nature to try to downplay behavior that is going to cause pain or is damaging. Most people will want to protect themselves and their loved ones from destructive forces – even if those same forces are all your fault. 

So it’s not at all uncommon for an unfaithful spouse to downplay the affair or even to downright lie about it in an attempt to lessen the fallout. Needless to say, the faithful spouse doesn’t often take kindly to this type of denial. She feels not only betrayed but lied to. She also wonders if he underestimates her intelligence and common sense.

She might say, “My husband absolutely refuses to admit to a physical or emotional affair, even though there is tons of evidence to the contrary. I’ve seen the stuff he leaves on on the other woman’s social media. I’ve seen pictures that they have exchanged with one another. And I know that they’ve been pretending to get together about work-related issues that they don’t have. Some of the texts they exchange are flirty and racy. Some of them talk about how they can’t wait to be together and how they hope they can get away soon. Although my husband will admit that he spent more time with her than was necessary and that the content of their exchanges were ‘inappropriate,’ he won’t admit to an affair. He says he was never going to leave me or do ‘anything crazy.’ His words are ridiculous. He spent an inordinate amount of time courting this woman. There is nothing he can do or say to convince me that they didn’t have a full-on relationship, affair, infidelity, or whatever you want to call it. The irony of all of this is that if he would act like a rational person, I might consider trying to work through this. But I find it very disrespectful that he looks me right in the face and lies about the severity of this inappropriate relationship. And I don’t see how we can move forward until he does.”

I agree with you. Every faithful spouse deserves healing and rehabilitation. Not allowing you all of the information that you need is shortchanging you of that. It’s very hard to heal when you don’t know what you are dealing with.

Sometimes, if you Wait, He will Want Something and You Will Have Leverage:  Many cheating spouses in this situation will try to just resume their marriage as if nothing has happened. However, if you’re not ready to pretend, then you are well within your right to say so.

There will often come a time when he’ll want something marital from you – to resume a healthy sex life, to restore intimacy, to present a united front as a family, to attend an event with him, etc. When that happens, there is nothing wrong with saying that you can’t do those things until you have healed as a couple. And in order to do that, you need to name the elephant in the room.

You can say something like, “You’re asking me to pretend that nothing has happened when we both know it has. I can’t move forward in the way you are asking me to until you disclose what happened so we can try to heal. Then maybe we can resume with a healthy marriage.”

Healing Often Requires Disclosure: Once he sees that there is no choice in telling the truth if he wants to resume the marriage in the way it was, he may be more willing to tell the truth and accept that he will have to participate in healing. 

How you attempt to heal is individual. Some chose counseling. Others use self-help. But do you know what all of the healing methods have in common? You have to talk about and admit to the issue that you are trying to get over. 

I can’t imagine any counselor who would allow a client to continue to deny the issue for which he’s seeking counseling. If you do self-help, the details about the betrayal will come up over and over again. Denying them doesn’t allow you to go forward. To go through the steps and make progress, he must give truthful information. Sooner or later, he will hopefully realize this. 

Acting as if:  Many wives in this situation will fight back by telling their husbands that they’re going to act “as if.” It works something like this. The next time he refuses to admit his infidelity, you reply with something like, “Every scrap of evidence I see right in front of me contradicts what you just said. I cannot turn away from my critical thinking. I can’t pretend that you aren’t asking me to act as if I have no rational thought. It’s insulting that you won’t admit what is so obvious. You are giving me no choice but to simply act as if this is true, despite what you say. For me to be able to begin my healing process, I need to deal with reality. So you can say what you wish, but I’ll be seeking healing from infidelity because I believe that is what happened. I’d like it if you’d take that journey with me, but perhaps you aren’t ready yet. Let me know when you are.”

Sometimes, when it becomes clear to him that you’re going to proceed “as if” anyway, he’ll have no choice but to give you truthful information. I wish his about-face always happened right away, but many people will try to deny it until it is clear that this strategy won’t work anymore.

That doesn’t mean that you have to accept it or pretend that you believe him when you don’t.  Over and over again, I made it clear to my husband that I wouldn’t accept less than what I felt I deserved.  And I eventually got it.  You can read about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There are many excuses that people give for being unfaithful to their spouses. Some of them are easy to dismiss out of hand. And others require at least some consideration. One example is a one-time thing that was supposedly caused by drinking. In other words, the cheating spouse’s inhibitions were down because of the alcohol. Therefore, he didn’t have sound judgment, and, in a momentary lapse, he cheated. Supposedly just the once.

Some wives will at least wonder if this excuse is valid, and other wives will not give it any special consideration.

Someone might say, “I know my husband was impaired on the night he cheated on me because I talked to him on the phone. I could tell he was flying high. He was slurring his words. He admitted that he had been drinking, and he was away on a business trip where everyone else was drinking. He doesn’t handle alcohol very well, so he rarely drinks. I do believe him when he says he wasn’t thinking clearly. Still, he cheated on me during this trip. He told me the next day, and I believe him when he claims that it was only one time (mostly because he hasn’t been out of my sight very much,) but I’m still devastated. He acts as if I’m just supposed to forget about it since he was drunk. But I’m never going to be able to forget. No matter how it happened, it still happened, and nothing he says or does will negate it. Am I wrong in my thinking?”

I definitely don’t think that you are wrong in your thinking. While I will concede that I believe there is a small difference in recovery from a very short fling and a long-term, serious affair, I’d never tell you that his drinking means he gets off scot-free.  

Why? Because the damage is still done. I’ve done damage to people and things I love plenty of times without meaning to. But my lack of intent doesn’t mean that I didn’t make the mistake, or that I don’t have to clean up my mess. Intent doesn’t mean that I don’t have to learn from my mistakes or that I don’t have to make things up to the people I hurt.  

The same is true of an affair. My husband’s affair happened in similar circumstances, but that didn’t change what was necessary for me to heal.

Lapses in Judgment Still Require Understanding and Rehabilitation:  I understand that people aren’t thinking clearly when they are drunk. I understand that they are impaired. But, and this is only my opinion, that alone can’t excuse or erase the behavior.

Why? Many people who find themselves in this situation will tell you that there was a mitigating factor like they don’t hold their alcohol very well or they didn’t know what they were doing. To address those excuses, I wonder why they would put themselves in that position if they knew that they might be so compromised in a place where their spouse wasn’t present. Why leave yourself so very vulnerable?

Yes, I know that everyone makes mistakes, but there is no denying that this mistake is particularly damaging, which means that the fallout cannot be ignored.

Again, this is only my opinion based on my own experience. But having a quick fling due to drinking does not negate the need for rehabilitation and recovery. Your spouse will need to understand what in his thought process (or lack of it) left him so vulnerable, and then he will need to examine what he can do to make sure this never happens again. After that, he needs to begin the long path of restoring your trust and confidence in him.  

These things shouldn’t be skipped merely because he was drunk. You still need these things to heal every bit as much as you’d need them if he were sober. It makes no difference. And if you’re uncomfortable that he is working with the other woman, that needs to be addressed also. His top priority should be your healing, whatever it takes.

The Tiny Bit of Difference the Circumstances Make:  Now, to be fair, we need to look at this from all sides. I do believe there’s a concession to be made here. For what it is worth, this situation is arguably a bit less devastating than dealing with a long-term affair where the husband was either considering leaving his wife for the other woman or has actually left.

I often hear from wives dealing with a husband who either has been seeing the other woman for a very long time and trying to hide it or is being very blatant about it and refusing to give her up, claiming that they are in love or are soul mates. 

This is very different from a husband who admitted to the affair himself right after a very short indiscretion. In this short-term case, there’s no history between them, arguably no feelings, and no long history of secrecy. 

I’m not implying that ANY type of affair is better or easier to get over than another. They can all be incredibly difficult. But, for me personally, I’d rather deal with a blip that is over right away than a long-term betrayal. Don’t misunderstand me. Both require work to get over. And both require rehabilitation and healing. No one wants either one.

But to answer the original concern, the drinking while cheating excuse is very common. But it doesn’t excuse the infidelity. What is more important is whether he immediately comes clean, that any interaction is over, and he is more than willing to do whatever is necessary to rehabilitate and heal. Drinking doesn’t negate any of this. He still put himself in a vulnerable position. He still ultimately made a devastating decision that has caused damage, which now must be dealt with. 

That said, from my own experience, I believe that healing is very possible with patience and intention.  If it helps, you can read about how I did it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It would be nice if a cheating spouse would sit you down and tell you everything you need to know about the affair from the get-go. This would mean that you wouldn’t have to pull the information out of him and you’d know the important details early on. This quick timeline could, in theory, save some pain and frustration. 

Unfortunately, many husbands don’t want to stick to a quick timeline with disclosure. Instead, they’d rather go silent and refuse to communicate, in the hopes that you’ll give up your quest for information and they can move on without many consequences. Needless to say, this is often frustrating and unacceptable to the wives on the other end of the silence. 

One of the wives might say, “I don’t know how my husband would ever expect me to get over his affair when he refuses to even talk about it on the most basic level. If I dare mention anything about it, he gets snippy and clams up. Sometimes, he acts outraged as though he can’t imagine why I would dare to ask him such a thing. It’s almost as though I am the one who has done something wrong. I believe he is hoping that if he closes off communication about this, I’ll eventually get so frustrated that I will give up. The thing is, I cannot give up. Because I know that I cannot move on if I don’t know what actually happened. I need accurate information if I’m going to make a sound decision. The ironic thing is, I think it’s possible that one day, I COULD move on if he were just honest with me and genuinely remorseful. But instead, he seems to want to play games and act as if I don’t deserve answers.”

Why He May Be Withholding Information: I understand how frustrating this is. Getting the necessary information from a cheating spouse is one of the most common complaints that I hear. And on the one hand, it’s not impossible to understand. It’s human nature to want to spare oneself pain and contempt, even if you admittedly deserve it. It’s also human nature to want to move on, especially if you know that staying stagnant is just going to prolong the pain.

How To Approach Him About This: Your husband may honestly think that trying to rush you forward may minimize your pain, even if you don’t agree. That’s why you may have to make it clear that you’re not willing to move forward with this unresolved. At some point, your husband may try to go forth as though nothing has changed and insinuate that you have the same marriage you’ve always had. He’ll want or ask something of you, and that’s when you can say something like, “I wish I could, but I really can’t go forward as if nothing has happened in our marriage when we both know that it has. I know you get frustrated when I bring it up, but I have a right to the information about the affair that I need so that I’m fully aware of what we’re dealing with. It’s unfair to keep me in the dark in this way. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? You’d want the information. I want it just like anyone would.”

Then, give him some time to think about it. Sometimes, when he realizes that you’re not going to give in, he will begin to open up some. He may do it little by little, but he will often start talking once he feels he doesn’t have a choice.  

Another tactic you can try is to ask him to go to counseling. Any good counselor is going to ask for the relevant information to help you work through this. Sometimes, it is easier for the cheating spouse to hear questions from someone other than the faithful spouse. But he’ll typically have to offer up a good deal of information in counseling. 

Pick Your Battles:  I wouldn’t be doing right by you if I didn’t mention this. As your husband begins to give you information, take care that you maximize what you learn by not hyper-dwelling on nonessential things. Don’t keep asking the same questions differently. For example, my husband told me bluntly about what led to the affair. I didn’t like his explanation at all, so I continued to ask about this same topic in all sorts of different ways and we just continued to go round and round without any progress. In essence, he told me what I asked, but I still didn’t understand or I didn’t like what he said, so I just continued to ask, and he continued to answer, but he felt I wasn’t even trying to listen.

Once he tells you what you’ve asked, sometimes, that has to be enough unless you think he isn’t being truthful. Another thing that I feel I must say is that you want to very carefully consider what you want to ask. I’ve had people tell me that they asked sexual questions that they later deeply regretted because they couldn’t get certain mental pictures out of their minds. Make sure that you really want to know the answers to the questions that you ask.

Some answers can only hurt you and probably won’t help you. My rule of thumb was that my husband absolutely needed to answer the basic five w’s (who, what, when, where, why) and an h (how?). For other types of questions, I followed the advice of people who told me to think long and hard about what I wanted to know. If something is going to make you ruminate, you can’t change it, and it’s only going to cause you pain, perhaps that is something that isn’t necessary to know.

You’re going to not only have to live with this knowledge, but you’re also going to have to process it enough to eventually move on. Some types of knowledge are necessary for moving on. But other bits of knowledge actually impede your progress, so it makes sense to choose carefully. You definitely deserve answers and shouldn’t give in until you have them.  

But it helps to know when you have enough information to move forward with the least amount of pain.  And you do deserve to move forward.  None of this was your fault.  If it helps you to learn about how I was finally able to move forward, that story is at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: As you might imagine, most of the people who reach out to me to ask questions are faithful spouses. Since I write from that perspective because I too was the faithful spouse, it makes sense that people having the same experience and struggles would reach out. Occasionally, though, I do hear from cheating spouses. They have their own sets of struggles, and they can also grapple with why they’re seeing certain behaviors.

One of the most common questions I get is why the affair partner ultimately went back to his spouse when everything in his words and in his behavior indicated that this was the last thing he wanted to do.

For example, an affair partner might say, “I know I shouldn’t be shocked, but I am surprised that the man I’ve been cheating with for several months ended the affair to work things out with his wife. I feel like an idiot for letting this surprise me. But all along, he’s been very negative about his wife and his marriage, and he’s been very complimentary to me. He always tells me that being with me feels like a break in comparison to the way he feels with his wife. I can’t claim that he ever told me that he was going to leave his wife for me, but that was certainly implied between us. I never made waves or made any overt demands of him. I tried to always be welcoming. We didn’t have a fight or differences of opinion. He just said he is breaking it off with me because he needs to make things work with his wife. Why would he do this? As far as I know, she still doesn’t suspect anything, so there is really no reason to take this action.” 

Some of the above assumptions may be untrue. You don’t know that the wife doesn’t suspect anything. You also don’t know that there is no reason for the husband to take any action. None of us are mind readers, so it’s impossible to know someone’s true motivations unless they share them. That said, I’ve known many couples in this situation, and I believe I have a good handle on why cheating spouses ultimately return to their spouse and their marriage (which happens much of the time.) I will share that below.

He Was Never Looking to Leave His Marriage: People often assume that a person who cheats must be unhappy in their marriage, but this isn’t always true. Sometimes, they are unhappy with themselves, their lives, or a situation that has nothing to do with their marriage. Other times, they are in the right place at an unfortunate time when they are vulnerable to cheating.

Whatever the reason, it isn’t always correct to think that cheating spouses are looking to get out of their marriages. Sure, they may be looking for a break or something different. But in their minds, they were never looking for another spouse or relationship. They never intended to break up their family, no matter what they might say. This leads me to my next point.

Divorce is Painful, Expensive, and Shocking: Many people can begin to believe that the grass might be greener somewhere else, until they are faced with losing their marriage and their family. If a wife suspects or finds out and the husband is faced with the possibility of divorce, he will often change his mind about the affair relationship rather quickly.

There is a big difference between fantasizing about a different life and actually blowing up your life by getting a divorce. Many people just aren’t willing to do it. Because they weren’t that unhappy to begin with. 

He May Have Realized That He Was Wrong About His Spouse: Sometimes, a cheating spouse does believe that they are unhappy in their marriage. So, while they may not necessarily want a divorce, they want something else. But while they are carrying on with the affair, they’re suddenly not scrutinizing their marriage and their wife as much. And after this type of calm, some men realize that they were wrong in their assumptions and unfair in their evaluation of their wife and of their marriage. When they realize their mistake, they’ll want to break off the affair.

The Spouse Found Out or Began to Suspect: It’s one thing to carry on in secret when there aren’t any consequences. But a spouse discovering an affair can douse cold water on it like nothing else. When consequences are suddenly at play, a cheating spouse can realize that the affair just isn’t remotely worth it, and he will then break it off abruptly.

His Conscience Got to Him: People play all sorts of mind games with themselves to carry out an affair. They’ll convince themselves that no one will find out or get hurt. They’ll tell themselves that it doesn’t mean anything. And they may buy these claims for a short time. But over the long term, most people know in their hearts that they are doing something quite damaging and wrong. Over time, the guilt feelings become too much to deal with, so it becomes obvious that it is time to end it. 

The Affair Has Come to Its Natural End: Statistics show us that most affair fizzle out on their own in a pretty short amount of time. Even when an affair partner thinks they’ve done nothing wrong, it takes two people to carry out an affair. And the other person can simply decide that they are done. An affair often feeds on secrecy and newness. When either of those aspects are compromised, there’s really no reason to keep going. 

I hope this list is helpful. And I don’t mean to downplay anyone’s feelings or pain. But it’s not uncommon for someone to end an affair after a set period of time for various reasons. Most of the time, the person ending it just want start to salvage what they can. 

I suspect there may be some faithful spouses who are reading this article. If so, you’re welcome to read more about how I coped with infidelity and eventually was able to overcome the worst of it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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