My Husband Has Just Admitted To An Affair. How Do I Get Over It?

By: Katie Lerch: I once spoke with a wife who was in deep emotional pain. Her husband had just admitted to cheating. She said:

“To his credit, he told me on his own. He confessed, apologized, and told me he’d do anything to save our marriage. And honestly? That’s what I want, too. I want to save it. I want us to be okay again. But I also know myself—and I don’t know how I’ll get past this. I’ve seen what infidelity does to people. My sister went through this. Some of my friends have. I’ve even been cheated on before. And I swore I could never stay married to a man who did this. But now here I am. And I don’t know what to do.”

If you’ve found yourself in this exact spot, I get it. It’s confusing, painful, and overwhelming. So let’s talk about what “getting over” an affair really means and how you can slowly begin to move through this.

First, Please Know This: Healing Doesn’t Happen Overnight: I think one of the most common (and most understandable) reactions after an affair is wanting to fix things as quickly as possible. We want the pain to stop. We want to feel safe again. We want to know what comes next.

But unfortunately, that’s not how healing usually works. Not after something this big.

You might think, “If we love each other and we both want to make this work, then we should be able to move on quickly, right?”
I wish it were that simple. I really do. But in reality, there’s a process involved, and that process takes time. Sometimes more time than either of you want to admit.

It’s not fair, I know. But expecting to “get over it” immediately just puts pressure on yourself and can set you up for frustration. You’re not broken. You’re just human. And healing from betrayal doesn’t follow a neat little timeline.

You Might Not “Forget It,”But You Can Learn to Carry It Differently: When women ask me how to get over an affair, I think what they often really mean is, “How do I stop feeling like this?”
They want to stop thinking about it. Stop imagining it. Stop being consumed by pain and fear.

That makes total sense. But here’s the truth: you don’t always forget the affair. Most people don’t.

Instead, over time, you learn how to live with it in a way that doesn’t hurt so much. It becomes part of your past, not your present. The sharpness fades. You stop picking at the wound. You remember that you’re more than what happened to you—and that your marriage can be, too.

Will you still think about it sometimes? Probably. But it won’t always take you down like it does right now. You’ll get stronger. You’ll heal. And it will stop having so much power over you.

So What Does “Getting Over It” Actually Involve?: If you’re asking, “What do I need to do to get through this?”—you’re not alone. Most women want steps. A plan. Something they can do.

And I’ll be honest: there’s no perfect formula. But here’s what I often see help:

  • Understanding what led to the affair. That doesn’t mean taking the blame—it just means looking honestly at the relationship and identifying any breakdowns that may have occurred.

  • Rebuilding trust. Slowly, carefully, consistently. This one’s huge. And it doesn’t happen with words alone.

  • Working on your own healing. This might be the most important piece. The affair isn’t about your worth, but it can shatter your confidence. Rebuilding is critical.

  • Restoring intimacy and connection. Not just physical, but emotional. Relearning how to feel safe and close again.

None of this is easy. And yes, it can feel like a lot. But it doesn’t have to be miserable the whole way through.

When things start to stabilize, I encourage couples to find lightness again. Laughter. Playfulness. Shared moments that aren’t about the affair. These moments matter more than you might think.

It’s Okay to Want to Stay. It’s Okay to Be Unsure: I often hear women say something like, “I always thought I’d leave if this happened. But now I’m not so sure.”

That’s okay. You don’t have to justify staying—or not staying—to anyone but yourself.
People outside your marriage may have opinions. You may even judge yourself a little. But this is your life. Your family. Your future. And no one else gets to write that story for you.

I Didn’t Think I Could Get Over It Either, But I Did: There was a time when I thought I’d never move past my husband’s affair. The betrayal cut so deep, I couldn’t imagine ever trusting again. I couldn’t imagine feeling happy again, honestly.

But here’s what I can tell you now: it is possible. With time, work, and a whole lot of patience, I healed. My marriage healed. And today, we’re stronger. Not perfect, but stronger.

It didn’t happen overnight. And it wasn’t always pretty. But it was worth it.

You can read my full story, including the rough patches and the turning points, on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

You’re not alone in this. And you’re not weak for struggling. You’re just a woman trying to figure out what to do with a very broken heart. That’s brave. And I believe that with the right support and intention, you can get through this, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

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Did My Husband Ever Really Love Me If He Had An Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I get this question a lot from wives who are just trying to make sense of the hurt. They find out about the affair, and suddenly it’s like their whole marriage gets called into question.

One wife told me, “If he really loved me, how could he cheat on me like that? Love and betrayal don’t go together.” Another said, “Was it all fake? Did I imagine the love we had?”

And honestly, I’ve been there. I’ve asked those same painful questions myself. Because when someone you love deeply does something that breaks your heart, it’s natural to wonder if the love was ever real at all.

You’re Not Crazy For Questioning Everything: I want to start by saying this: the thoughts you’re having are completely normal. When trust is broken so deeply, it’s hard not to question everything that came before. You think back on all the moments, the anniversaries, vacations, the time he held your hand when you were scared, and you wonder if any of it meant what you thought it did.

It’s a heartbreaking place to be. I also want to be honest and tell you that some people might disagree with what I’m about to say. But that’s okay. You’re allowed to come to your own conclusions.

And over the years, through personal experience, and from hearing thousands of stories, I’ve come to believe something that’s helped me find peace: Sometimes, men who cheat do still love their wives.

Don’t Let the Affair Rewrite Your Entire Story: When the pain is fresh, it’s easy to look back and decide everything was a lie. I get it. I used to think that too. But here’s the thing: people are complicated. Feelings can be real, even when actions are wrong. Your husband may have truly loved you and still made a terrible, selfish decision.

That doesn’t mean you should excuse it. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt you. That doesn’t mean everything is magically okay. But it does mean that you don’t have to erase the love you shared.

I see a lot of wives doing that, cutting themselves off from their own history just to make sense of the betrayal. And it’s usually because they’re also starting to doubt their own judgment.

They think, “If I didn’t see this coming, maybe I never really knew him at all.”But be careful with that line of thinking. It steals more from you than it gives back. You loved. You trusted. You built a life. And that matters—even if he betrayed that trust.

Some Men Realize What They Had Too Late: I hear from men, too. Some of them reach out because they’re in a panic after their wife found out. And I’ll tell you something: not all of them are lying. These aren’t just smooth talkers trying to spin their way out of trouble. Some of them are raw and scared and desperate to make things right.

Not for show. Not for ego. But because they finally woke up and saw what they were about to lose. It’s sad that it takes a crisis for some people to realize what matters most. But it happens. And no, that doesn’t erase what they did.

But it does show that love might’ve been there all along—just buried under selfishness, confusion, or emotional immaturity.

Affairs Aren’t Always About a Lack of Love: I know that’s a hard sentence to read. Because if your heart is broken, it feels better to think he cheated because he didn’t care. That at least gives the pain a clean explanation. But the truth is often messier.

Some men cheat because they’re insecure. Or because they’re avoiding something inside themselves. Or because they made a horrible choice in a weak moment and didn’t stop to think about what it would cost.

It’s not okay. And it doesn’t justify the betrayal. But sometimes, they’re not trying to leave their wife. They’re not looking to replace her. They’re just running from something. And it catches up to them in the worst way.

Not All Cheaters Are the Same: Now let me be clear: I’m not talking about the serial cheaters. The ones who lie over and over again and never show real remorse.

This article isn’t about them. It’s about the husband who makes one massive, heartbreaking mistake and then truly regrets it.

The one who would do anything to win back your trust. Not just with words. But with actions. With patience. With consistency.

That kind of man may still love you deeply. And yes, it’s possible to come back from something like this. I know because I did.

You Don’t Have to Decide Everything Today: If you’re reading this while still reeling from the truth, please be gentle with yourself. You don’t have to figure everything out right now. It’s okay to not know if you can ever forgive him. It’s okay to not know if you still want the marriage.

But don’t rush to erase all the good parts of your story just because it ended up with a painful chapter. You loved. He may have loved too. He may still love you now. What you do with that is entirely your decision.

But don’t lose yourself in trying to understand him. Give yourself credit for the love you gave—and the strength it takes to ask these hard questions.

You’re not alone in this. If you want to read my own story about how I healed after my husband’s affair, you can find it at http://surviving-the-affair.com. There is hope. No matter what you choose.

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Dealing With the Lies After Your Husband’s Affair

By: Katie Lersch: I once spoke with a wife who was struggling, not just with her husband’s affair, but with all the lies that came along with it.

She said, “The cheating is horrible. But what’s making it worse is how often I keep catching him in lies. Every day, there’s something new. Some little detail he left out. Some half-truth. It makes me feel like I’m losing my mind. I told him from the beginning that honesty is huge for me. I could maybe try to forgive the affair, but the lies? I don’t know if I can move past that. The only reason I haven’t left already is because of our kids. But if this keeps up, I’m going to run out of patience. I’m not sure how much more I can take.”

That feeling? It’s more common than you might think. Infidelity and dishonesty almost always go hand in hand. You can’t really have one without the other. And while some wives expect to feel heartbroken or betrayed by the affair itself, what sometimes takes them by surprise is just how deep the deception runs.

The Lies Often Hurt Just as Much as the Affair Itself: Here’s what many women come to realize: the cheating didn’t just happen once. It involved a long string of choices, and almost all of those choices were wrapped in lies.

He had to lie to see her. He had to lie to cover his tracks. And maybe worst of all, he had to lie to your face.

Sometimes, that lie was told right at the dinner table. Other times, it came after he kissed your child goodnight. Those are the moments that replay in your mind. And they sting.

You start to wonder, “How could he look at me, knowing what he was doing? How could he lie so easily and so often?”

It’s not unusual to question whether someone who has shown that kind of deception is even capable of rebuilding trust.

Some Husbands Will Try to Justify the Lies: This part can be incredibly frustrating. Many women tell me their husbands try to explain away the dishonesty. He says he didn’t want to hurt you. He says he didn’t know what he wanted. He says he was confused.

But those explanations rarely help. In fact, they often make it worse.

Because what you’re thinking is, “If you were confused, you should’ve said something. If you were unhappy, we could’ve worked on it. But instead, you lied and cheated and took away my choice.”

And that’s the hardest part for so many wives – the feeling that they were left in the dark while someone else made decisions that would completely upend their life.

So What Now? Can You Get Past the Lies?: I can’t answer that for you. Only you know what you can or can’t live with. But I can tell you that you’re not alone in asking the question.

Some women decide they just can’t move forward with someone who deceived them so deeply. That’s valid. If leaving is what brings you peace, you don’t owe anyone an explanation.

But others decide to stay for the kids, for the history, or because they believe their marriage still has something worth saving.

If you’re in that second group, I want to share a few things that helped me and that I’ve seen help other wives.

Rebuilding Honesty Starts With Boundaries and Communication: If you want any chance of moving forward, you’re going to need clarity. First, your husband has to understand that honesty is non-negotiable from this point on. That’s not up for debate.

Make it clear: one more lie, even a small one, may be the final straw.

And once you’ve said that, you’ll likely need to rebuild open, ongoing communication between the two of you. You need to feel like you can express how you’re feeling, without being shut down or dismissed. He needs to know that avoiding conflict or sugarcoating things to “keep the peace” is part of what got you here in the first place.

Some husbands claim they didn’t feel safe opening up. That doesn’t excuse the betrayal, but it is something worth addressing if you want to prevent this from ever happening again.

You can’t rebuild a marriage if one person is still hiding.

Eventually, You May Get Tired of Carrying the Hurt: I remember reaching a point where I was just exhausted. I was angry all the time. The pain felt fresh every morning. And even though I had every reason to feel that way, it started to feel like I was the one paying the price, every single day.

That’s when I knew something had to shift.

If you decide to stay, your healing has to become a priority. You don’t have to forget what happened. You don’t have to let your guard all the way down right away. But you do need a plan.

Set your boundaries. Be honest about what you need. And insist on real, consistent follow-through.

Over time, if he shows up with sincerity and you begin to see signs of real change, trust can be rebuilt. Slowly. With effort. And with time.

But it has to be real.

You’re Not Alone. There was a time when I didn’t think I’d ever get through the hurt, let alone feel love for my husband again. But I did. And our marriage—somehow—is stronger now than it ever was.

I don’t say that to sugarcoat the process. It was hard. Some days felt impossible. But with the right tools and the right mindset, healing can happen, or at least it did for us.

If you’re interested, I share my full personal story here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

You don’t have to decide everything today. But you do deserve honesty, respect, and peace. And whatever path gets you closer to that? It’s the right one.

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Why Is The Affair Sex Better Than Sex With Your Spouse?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who have cheated on their spouse by having an affair. Often, these folks do have a good bit of remorse and they want to do right by their spouse. Many truly would like to repair their marriages in order to keep their families together. But, many have a hard time not thinking about the sex with the other person, which they can perceive as pretty great.

I might hear a comment like: “I am ashamed that I cheated on my husband. This is the worst mistake I have ever made. I don’t know why I did this. It’s honestly not like me. I am the type of person who never goes over the speed limit, always tries to do the right thing, and feels physically ill when I lie or do something that I know is wrong. My husband never suspected me of cheating because that’s just so outside of my typical behavior pattern. It’s also not in my personality to be wild and adventurous when it comes to sex. But that’s exactly what happened with the other man. In fact, that was the sole basis of our relationship. I don’t particularly even like the other man. But I sure liked having sex with him. And I can’t get those images out of my head. My husband and I are trying very hard to rescue our marriage. And we have made progress. But when I am intimate with my husband, I can’t help but compare it with sex with the other man. And, it’s not even close. It’s almost as if it’s not even the same act. I’ve spoken with other people in this situation and they all seem to agree with me. The sex is so much better when with the affair partner. Why is this? Part of me thinks that the other man and I just have great chemistry, but another part of me thinks that there is more to it. I’m not going to act on any of this. I’m just wondering why it happens. ”

People Fresh Out Of The Affair Often Have These Types Of Thoughts: It is very common for me to hear people say that the only thing which made them risk everything to cheat was the sex with the other person. But here’s something interesting. Most of the people who say this are fresh out of the affair. Meaning this whole turn of events is recent. These type of comments tend to wane with time. Why? Because once you have time to reflect on this when things aren’t as fresh and raw, you realize that it really wasn’t the other person or even the sex, it was that feeling of being free and of being someone outside of yourself.

It’s Not Usually Solely The Sex.  It’s The Way That The Sex Allowed You To Be Someone Else: It was probably no coincidence that this woman expressed that the affair allowed her to act in ways that were the exact opposite of what was typical of her. I can’t tell you how common this is. People who are shy will say that they were assertive in the affair. Or people who are normally the caregivers will say that the affair made them feel taken care of. It’s not a coincidence that people tend to use the term “escape” when talking about their affair. Because much of the time, that’s EXACTLY what it is. You’re using it as an escape from the things that either you don’t like about your life or yourself.

And guess what? This has very little to do with sex. If you talk to people say six months to a year after the affair was over, many of them will tell you that there wasn’t anything particularly special about the specifics of the sex. It was just that somewhere deep inside, they got a little thrill from doing something wrong or atypical. It’s the same thrill you got when you were a teenager and skipped out on school or when you cheat on your diet. You know that it is wrong and that you will pay later, but oh what a thrill it is at the time.

It is more of the idea of the forbidden sex than the sex itself. When I tell people this, many of them will deny it adamantly. They will insist that they had some sort of great chemistry with the other person. They will recount the adventurous sex as though no one else on earth has ever experienced the same thing. But much of the time, if you come back and talk to them six months later, they will have a very different story to tell.

Replace What Is Lost With Your Spouse: And here’s something that you may not have considered. You really can learn to have great sex with your spouse. In fact, I’d argue that sex with your spouse can be ever better. Why? Because you have history with your spouse. You have commitment with your spouse. When you look in your spouses eyes when having sex, it’s honest and real and you will wake up in the morning without betrayal on your conscience. Letting yourself go to explore new ways to tap into the parts of your personality that you don’t normally explore will give you the same sort of high. I know that you might be skeptical, but what is the harm in giving it a try? Sure, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of your spouse but when you do, this can bring about a greater sense of commitment and excitement. And both of these things can make for great sex that is even better than the sex you had during the affair.

You really can learn techniques to have great sex with the partner you already have.  Most people don’t like to think or talk about this, but it is true.  And it is important in a healthy marriage.  You’re welcome to read about this part of my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I Stayed After My Husband Had An Affair. Everyone Thought I Was Crazy. I’m Glad I Did.

By: Katie Lersch: I’ll never forget the look on my friend’s face when I told her I wasn’t leaving him. It was a mix of disbelief, concern, and something that felt dangerously close to pity.

She didn’t say the words –you’re crazy –but she didn’t have to. I could see them written all over her expression.

And to be honest, part of me wondered the same thing. What kind of woman stays after her husband betrays her? What kind of wife looks him in the eye, knowing he’d looked at someone else with the same intensity not long before?

The answer, I’ve come to realize, is complicated. But it’s also honest.

It Wasn’t Instant Forgiveness: Let me be clear: I didn’t stay because I forgave him overnight. I didn’t stay because I was afraid to be alone, or because I was trying to keep up appearances.

I stayed because the story of our marriage wasn’t finished – not yet. And deep down, I wasn’t ready to throw it away without understanding what went wrong.

That meant a lot of late nights. A lot of crying behind closed doors. A lot of questions I didn’t want to ask but couldn’t keep bottled up anymore.

I Worried People Would Think I Was Weak: That’s the hardest part. When you’re the woman who stays, you brace yourself for judgment. Everyone has an opinion, even if they don’t say it out loud.

I didn’t tell many people. But I did worry that some would think I was spineless. Or others would assume I had no self-respec or would imply that I must not value myself enough to walk away from someone who had so clearly disrespected me.

But here’s what I wish they understood: staying was the harder choice. It required more strength than I thought I had.

Leaving would’ve meant I didn’t have to look him in the eye every day. Staying meant confronting pain head-on. It meant digging through years of hurt and learning to rebuild something I wasn’t even sure was salvageable.

He Wasn’t Excused: I didn’t hand him a free pass. He didn’t get to pretend nothing happened. I made it very clear: things would never go back to the way they were.

We had to start over. And he had to prove himself – every single day.

There were boundaries. There were rules. There was therapy. Sometimes, it felt like walking a tightrope over a canyon of broken trust. But little by little, the rope grew stronger. So did we.

Healing Wasn’t Linear: Some days, I woke up hopeful. Others, I wanted to pack a bag and leave without saying a word.

Healing doesn’t follow a schedule. It doesn’t care that your friends are ready for you to be “over it.” It doesn’t move faster just because people are tired of hearing about your pain.

There were moments I hated him. Moments I hated myself for staying. But there were also moments where I saw the man I married re-emerging—shaken, humbled, and ready to fight for our marriage in a way he never had before.

He Changed: I know not every cheating spouse changes. I’ve heard the stories. I’ve read the emails from women who were betrayed again and again. I’m not here to tell anyone what they should do.

But I will say this: people can change, if they want to. If they truly face themselves, if they sit in the guilt instead of running from it—then yes, change is possible.

My husband didn’t just say he was sorry. He showed me. In the way he listened. In the way he learned to pause instead of getting defensive. In how he supported me through the pain he caused.

He earned back my trust one action at a time.

We Built Something New: I’m not naive. I know our marriage will never be the same. But maybe that’s a good thing.

The old marriage had cracks neither of us noticed until it was too late. The new one? It was built with eyes wide open. With conversations we used to avoid. With a deeper understanding of what commitment actually means—not just in the easy seasons, but in the hardest ones.

I didn’t go back to what we had. We created something new from the ashes.

Looking Back, I’m Glad I Stayed: I stayed, and people thought I was crazy. Maybe I was, in the beginning. Maybe we both were. But I’ve never been more clear about one thing: I’m glad I stayed.

Not because it was easy. Not because everything magically healed. But because it forced both of us to grow. It showed me what I could survive, and it gave us the chance to become stronger than we ever were before.

So if you’re in that messy middle place – unsure, scared, exhausted – I want you to know you’re not alone. And no, you’re not crazy for wanting to stay and try.

You just might be braver than anyone realizes. It has been many years now. We are still married – happily – so it was the right call. And I don’t regret it at all. If you want to read about exactly how I did it, you can do so at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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Did He Come Home After His Affair Because He Loves Me?

By: Katie Lersch: A very common question that wives ask after infidelity is this:
“Did my husband come back because he truly loves me or because he had nowhere else to go?”

It’s a vulnerable place to be—your husband is home again after an affair, and part of you is relieved. Maybe even hopeful. But underneath that hope, there’s a steady hum of doubt. And it sounds something like this:
Is he here because he loves me… or because things didn’t work out with her? Because of the kids? Because of money?

You’re not alone in feeling this way. Not even close.

It’s Normal to Question Why He Came Back: I once heard from a woman who said, “I’m glad my husband returned home after his affair, but I can’t help questioning his motives. He says he’s here because he loves me and wants to save our marriage. But there’s a little voice that wonders if the other woman kicked him out or if he just realized a divorce would cost him too much.”

That little voice? It’s completely normal.

After the trauma of an affair, it’s almost impossible not to question everything—his words, his motives, even your own feelings. When someone you love betrays you, your sense of safety gets turned upside down. Of course your defenses are high. It’s how you protect yourself.

The truth is, you can’t read his mind. You can’t know for sure what he’s feeling in his heart. All you can do is pay attention to his words, yes, but especially to his actions. Because words are easy. But actions? Actions reveal character and intent. And sometimes, it just takes time to see the full picture.

Should You Focus on Why He Came Back Or On What You Can Do Now?: I get it. You want to believe he came back because he loves you. But you also don’t want to be naive. Many women find themselves stuck in that place where you’re constantly trying to decode the “why.”

But here’s something important to consider: You may never get the absolute clarity you’re hoping for.

And when you put all your emotional energy into trying to solve a question that may not have a clear answer, it can stall the healing process. Instead of building something new, you’re stuck circling the same emotional drain.

That doesn’t mean you ignore the question. It just means you ask yourself this instead:
“What do I want, regardless of why he came back?”

Defining What You Really Want: When I asked the woman above what she wanted most, she said this:
“I want a husband who loves me, who’s here because he wants to be, not because he has to be.”

So I gently asked her:
“Do you know you don’t have that?”

Because in that moment, her husband was there. Under the same roof. Saying he loved her. Telling her he wanted to work on the marriage.

Time would tell if his words were true. But right now, she had a choice.
She could keep focusing on her doubts—and risk pushing him further away.
Or she could take a “wait and see” approach—staying open, watching closely, and giving herself space to observe his behavior over time.

Choosing to Heal Even If You’re Still Unsure: I understand how hard it is to trust again. It feels dangerous to believe the very person who hurt you. And yet, some men do come back because they truly want to fix things. Some marriages not only survive the affair. They come back stronger.

I know, because mine did.

Two years ago, I never would’ve believed it. But today, my marriage is stronger than it’s ever been. Not because we ignored the pain, but because we faced it together. I also did a lot of personal healing work. And for the first time in a long time, I feel confident, happy, and secure in myself and my relationship.

The road back is not easy. But it is possible.

If you’re feeling lost in the aftermath of an affair, you’re not alone. You can read more of my personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.

Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers today. You just need clarity about what you want and the courage to protect your peace while you figure out if he’s willing to meet you there.

You are worth love that’s real and consistent.

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How To Cope After He Cheats

By: Katie Lersch: There’s no easy way to describe what it feels like when the person you love cheats on you. It’s crushing and disorienting. Most women tell me they never expected something so painful to come from someone so close. The betrayal hits hard, not just because of what he did, but because of all the doubts it stirs up inside you.

You start to question everything: Was any of it real? Did he ever love me the way I loved him? What did I miss? What does this say about me?

Many women find their self-worth takes a hit, even if they know deep down that his choices say more about him than they do about them. That doesn’t make it easier in the moment. You may feel insecure, lost, or unsure of who you even are anymore. And meanwhile, life keeps going. The kids still need dinner. Your job still expects you to show up. People still smile and ask how you’re doing.

So what do you do? How do you cope when your world feels like it’s cracked open?

That’s one of the most common questions I hear: How do I even begin to deal with this?

Let me share some of the things I’ve learned, not just from my own experience, but from many women who’ve walked through this storm and come out stronger on the other side.

Accept That His Cheating Isn’t Your Fault And You Don’t Have to Carry It Forever: On some level, many of us know we didn’t cause the cheating. We understand that it’s more about his issues than anything we did or didn’t do. But knowing that and feeling it are two different things.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-blame. You replay conversations. You analyze your appearance. You compare yourself to her. But none of that changes the truth: cheating is a decision he made, not something you caused.

Even if the relationship had its problems (and most do), cheating was never the solution. It was a choice. His choice.

And that choice doesn’t mean you’re less than. It doesn’t mean you’re not attractive, interesting, or worthy of loyalty. It doesn’t mean the other woman is somehow better. In fact, most of the time, she isn’t.

But if you let this experience define you, it can leave a scar that bleeds into everything—future relationships, your confidence, even the way you see the world. You have to make a conscious decision that this will not become a lifelong shadow. You didn’t ask for this, and you don’t have to drag it with you forever.

It’s not your shame to carry.

Focus on Yourself More Than You Focus on Him: After cheating, the mind wants answers. Why did this happen? Why me? How could he do this? These questions are normal, and I asked every one of them. Over and over again.

But here’s the truth: even if you get answers, they won’t magically heal the hurt. Sometimes, the answers hurt just as much or leave you more confused. So, rather than spinning in the “why,” try shifting to the “how.”

How do I take care of myself right now? How do I rebuild the pieces of my life that matter most? How do I become someone I’m proud of, regardless of what he does next?

This isn’t selfish. It’s necessary.

I see women show up for their best friends with so much tenderness and strength. They remind them it’s not their fault. They encourage them to rest, to heal, to take their time. But when it happens to them, they put themselves last. They rush through the pain, pretend they’re fine, or try to forgive before they’ve even finished bleeding.

You have to be your own best friend now. Speak kindly to yourself. Make choices that lift you up. Don’t push yourself to be okay before you are.

Self-care isn’t avoidance. It’s building a stronger version of yourself so you can face whatever comes next, with clarity and strength instead of desperation or fear.

Let Go of What Drains You. Lean Into What Helps: Not everything is going to serve you right now. Some people may mean well, but their words still sting. Some advice may leave you feeling more broken than before. And some days, even scrolling your phone might send you into a spiral.

So be selective. You don’t owe anyone your energy, especially if their presence is pulling you deeper into sadness or confusion. You are allowed to protect your peace. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to make choices based on what feels manageable, right now, in this moment.

And if something brings you a spark of light? If it makes you smile, feel grounded, or breathe a little easier? That’s not avoidance. That’s healing.

Whether it’s a funny movie, a long walk, time with a friend who listens without judgment, or simply a good cry in the bathtub—give yourself permission to do what helps. You are allowed to care for yourself without explaining why.

You are allowed to prioritize your healing over his guilt. I know how dark this road can feel. I’ve walked it. Two years ago, I never would have believed that my marriage could survive what we went through. And yet, it did. But more importantly, I survived it. I found a version of myself I didn’t know was there—stronger, wiser, and more grounded than before.

I’m not afraid he’ll cheat again. I’m not haunted by what happened. Because I did the work, even when it was hard. And that work started with taking care of myself first.

You can read more of my story and how I came through it at http://surviving-the-affair.com. No matter what happens next, I want you to know you’re not broken. You’re just beginning again.

And beginnings, while messy, are full of possibility.

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Can He Still Be “The One” Even Though He Cheated?

I once spoke with a young woman who had only been married for a short time. She had just found out that her husband had cheated on her. He swore he was sorry, promised he’d go to counseling or do whatever she needed, and was full of reassurances and pleas for her not to leave or divorce him.

She wanted to believe him. But she was unbelievably hurt. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine they’d be facing this kind of issue—especially so early in their marriage.

Deep down, she didn’t want to walk away. She loved him. She felt he was her soul mate. But there was a little voice in the back of her mind that kept whispering: A soul mate wouldn’t do this. She told me, “I know he’s ‘the one,’ but my friends say that if he really was, he wouldn’t have cheated. Is there any way for us to move past this? I don’t want to let him go, but I’m scared things will never be the same again.”

My heart broke for her. This should have been one of the happiest times in her life. Instead, she was dealing with betrayal—and feeling completely alone in her decision to stay. She said everyone around her was calling her crazy for even considering it.

But here’s the thing: it wasn’t their marriage. It was hers. And ultimately, it was her choice to make. I don’t doubt that her friends and family meant well. They wanted to protect her. But sometimes, the most helpful thing someone can do is just listen—without judging, preaching, or pushing their own opinions.

Can a Man Who Cheats Still Be ‘The One’ or a Soul Mate?: That was the question she kept coming back to. And it’s one I’ve heard more times than I can count. So here’s how I usually respond: One awful decision doesn’t cancel out everything else that came before. It doesn’t automatically erase the connection, the history, or the love that exists between two people.

That said, her husband had a lot of work to do. This wasn’t a small misstep—it was a major breach of trust. The marriage had taken a serious hit. But that doesn’t mean it’s beyond repair. With time, effort, honesty, and usually some outside help, it is possible to heal.

The one thing I don’t recommend is just sitting back and hoping that love—or the idea that you’re “meant to be”—will fix it all on its own. That almost never works. It leaves room for lingering doubt, unresolved pain, and long-term resentment. And those things have a way of resurfacing later.

Walking Away Isn’t the Right Answer for Everyone: It’s easy for outsiders to say, “If he cheated, he can’t be the one.” But they’re not the ones living with the consequences of that decision. They’re not the ones who have to live with the loss if the relationship ends.

This woman valued the input of the people around her. But she also felt deeply connected to her husband and was having trouble making sense of how someone who loved her could do this. I’ve been there. It’s confusing. And sometimes, when friends offer judgmental advice—no matter how well-intentioned—it just adds to your pain.

Ultimately, whether or not her husband was still her soul mate wasn’t a question anyone else could answer. That was up to her.

In my opinion, he could still be “the one.” But they’d need to put in the work. If they didn’t take steps to rebuild, that connection might fade over time. On the other hand, many couples do recover from infidelity. It’s not easy. But if both people are committed, it’s absolutely possible to come out stronger on the other side.

There was a time when I thought I would never get over my husband’s affair, but this is in the past. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is actually stronger. It took a lot of work, but I don’t regret doing it because I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

 

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Having Sex Again After Your Husband’s Affair: Tips For Making It Less Awkward And More Enjoyable

By: Katie Lerch: Of all the topics that come up after one spouse has cheated or had an affair, one of the most problematic is sex.  After all, it’s sex with someone else that caused the affair in the first place.  And, there may have been sexual issues in your marriage before the infidelity.  So, needless to say, this is a potentially problematic and sensitive issue that both people can hesitate to talk about or address.

The thing is, sex after an affair can either help to bring the married couple back together, or it can be one other thing that rips them further apart.  And unfortunately, there are so many misunderstandings and wrong assumptions surrounding it.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

Try Not To Make False Assumptions About How Your Spouse Feels About Sex Right Now: Here’s one of the biggest issues that I see. The spouse who was cheated on is filled with self-doubt and self-esteem questions.  They will worry that their spouse cheated because they weren’t satisfied with marital sex or no longer found their spouse sexy or desirable.  So the cheated-on spouse can feel ugly, insecure, and clumsy even when none of these things are true.

These assumptions can put a huge damper on what happens in your bedroom when you’re trying to save the marriage and heal.  Because all these doubts and insecurities follow you and bring awkwardness and more issues into an already difficult situation.

Likewise, the spouse who cheated can feel like a huge creep if they even think about initiating sex.  And, they are well aware that once either party even thinks about sex, then suddenly the issue of the sexual content of the affair comes into question.  There’s no way around either spouse thinking or wondering about sex with the other person.  It just can’t be helped.

And even if the cheating spouse is 100% sincere in their love and commitment to their spouse and to saving their marriage, they will also usually worry that they shouldn’t make advances or initiate physical contact because their spouse could well be repulsed by the thought of even a hug or touch right now, much less sex.

But of course, the faithful spouse will take this to mean that he or she is just not interested because he doesn’t find them desirable or a turn on.  So what you have are all these incorrect assumptions and insecurities coming into play which often make the situation worse.

That’s why it’s so important to make every attempt to be open and honest, even if it makes you feel very vulnerable.  It’s really the only way to gauge what’s truly going on.  Because the truth is, you may well be wrong about what your spouse is thinking and feeling.  And being wrong could just make the situation worse or downright unbearable.

It’s Important Not To Put Too Much Pressure On Your Sex Life After The Affair:  I often advise couples to wait until they are absolutely sure that they are ready and want to have sex again.  It’s so much better to wait and have no doubt in your mind that this is the right time than to rush yourself and just sort of go through the motions or be numb, or worse, to have a bad experience.

Sometimes, when the sex is not that good or great after the affair, both people will make assumptions that the marriage can’t be saved, that there’s too much damage, or that the spark is gone.  And sometimes, this is the first step toward them giving up on their marriage.  This is so unfortunate and such a shame because usually, it’s not that the spark or chemistry was gone, it’s that the couple moved too soon or rushed things a bit before some outstanding issues were worked through.

Getting Your Sexual Confidence Back:  Probably one of the most common concerns that I hear from spouses who have been cheated on is that they don’t feel desirable or sexy.  They’re afraid that the second they disrobe or begin having sexual contact, they are going to see the hesitation, pity, or repulsion in their spouse’s eyes.  And unfortunately, this fear often keeps them from reaching their full potential or comfort level as an individual or as part of a couple.

If you are dealing with this and are scared of having sex again after the affair, there is nothing wrong with focusing on rebuilding your confidence.  You have been dealt a nasty blow.  What you’re feeling is absolutely natural.  Give yourself permission to do whatever makes you feel better about yourself.  You can’t worry about how your spouse feels. You need to focus on how you feel.

But here’s something that almost everyone underestimates.  From the people who write to me or comment on my blog, it’s my opinion that both men and women tend to agree on what is sexy or a turn on.  And one thing that both men and women consider sexy is confidence. Countless people have told me that it’s not how you look, or what you do.  It really is your enthusiasm and your ability to participate and give and take with confidence and adventure. If you do not have this as a result of the affair, then it’s possible that you still have work to do or are selling yourself short.

And if you’ve never had this sort of confidence or enthusiasm, there really is no time like the present.  You deserve to be happy. And sometimes an affair is an opportunity to actually make some areas of your life better than they were before.

I know that worrying about sex and intimacy after a spouse’s affair is difficult. But healing is possible, and it can truly be worth the effort. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger even after his affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but I’m glad I did. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self-esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I’m Not Sure If I Still Love Him After His Affair

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are not only unsure about how they feel about their marriage after their husband’s affair, they are unsure about how they feel about their husband himself.  I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated on me with our accountant.  I have known this woman for many years and I trusted her.  At the same time, I have been married to my husband for half of my adult life.  No one knows me better.  No one else has been through life’s up and downs with me in the way that he has.  He’s begging me to give him another chance and has promised intense counseling of my choosing.  My problem is that I’m not sure if I love him anymore.  I understand that I am angry with him.  But it’s more than that.  I need to respect someone to love them.  I do not respect what he did.  I am not attracted to someone with a lack of character and I feel that he doesn’t have the character that I thought that he did.  He says he will prove to me that the good parts of his character are still there.  And there have been moments that I will look at him and still feel some simmering of love, but then I think back to how he betrayed me and whatever I’m feeling is extinguished almost instantly. How do I know if I still love him? And what should I do in the meantime?”  I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

Why I Think It’s Best Not To Try To Sort Out Love Until You’ve Had Enough Time To Reflect:  The wife was probably right in her assumption that her anger and shock was clouding her feelings.  Because right now, all that she was able to see was how his character was lacking.  This is completely understandable and no one can blame her for this.  However, when all you can see are the bad parts of his character, you aren’t likely to see any of the good parts.  Which means that you aren’t looking at this even remotely objectively.  Any decision about your marriage is an important decision.  Give yourself the time to make the right one for you.  I know first hand that in the initial time period after the affair, your anger clouds almost every feeling that you have.  It’s nearly impossible to truly determine deep emotions like love or even hate in that emotional state.

Try This Exercise: Some women tell me that they know for sure that they hate their husband and no longer feel a shred of love for him.  They won’t even consider that their anger is clouding their feelings.  They are completely sure that every ounce of love that they ever felt for him is long gone.  So here’s an exercise to test that.  I’m not bringing this up to be cruel or to try to hurt you more.  I’m not even trying to prove you wrong. I’m just trying to give you some perspective.

Imagine that it’s five years from now and you’ve saved your marriage.  Imagine that you took your husband up on that offer for counseling and this actually improved your marriage to the point where you renewed your wedding vows. Imagine the dress and the look on your face when you say your vows all over again.  Can you imagine this scene without any strong emotions? (Positive or negative emotions count.)

Now imagine that it’s those same five years later but you went the other way.  Let’s say you determined that you didn’t love your husband because of his cheating and you divorced him.  So let’s say that he and the other woman picked up where they left off and that, because he couldn’t have you, they eventually married.  What if you ran into them one day and made small talk?  What is your reaction to this scene?  Anger? Sadness?  Something else?  Are you have a strong reaction at all? My point is, if you have strong reactions to either scene that I’ve just described, you’re still responding very strongly to your raw emotions.  Determining the outcome of your marriage (or even your feelings for your husband) when emotions are running this high can be the wrong call.

Why You Can Hate What He Did And Still Love The Person:  I think there’s an important distinction that many people miss here.  You can loathe with everything you have what your husband did.  You can be so angry that you feel as if you will explode.  But you can still deep down love the person even if this frustrates you.  It is totally possible to hate the act and still love the person.

And the reason for this is that one act, or one character flaw does not negate all of the kind, loving things this person has done or all of the positive character that they still have.  Nor does it negate your history. So to address some of the questions that this wife posed, I don’t think it’s possible to totally define any feelings of love or hate after the affair until you have given yourself plenty of time to process this.  And trying to rush the process could lead you to decisions that you might regret.

I will freely admit that I doubted my love for my husband after his affair. But, after I had time to reflect, I realized that I hated the act, but still loved the person and we eventually saved (and improved) our marriage. If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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