Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  It’s common for people to know that when they have sex for the first time after learning of their spouse’s affair, they could have some difficult feelings as a result.  Many are fully aware that it may be awkward or it may cause feelings of anger or even indifference.  But some people are surprised when they feel sadness instead.

I might get a comment like: “it has been six weeks since I found out about my husband’s affair.  I kicked him out to begin with.  I wanted no part of him.  But the kids missed him and they did not understand what was happening.  And he called and tried to come by every day – crying about how sorry he was and carrying on.  So I started letting him come over on weekends and then every time Monday would roll around, he would beg to stay.  I started letting him come over sometimes during the week and one night last week, he slept over and we ended up having sex.  I most definitely did not intend for that to happen.  Because I was afraid that it would be bad.  I am very insecure as to whether or not he is still attracted to me.  I mean, if he was truly attracted to me, he would not have cheated, right? Well, the sex was awkward.  My husband clearly tried to overcompensate because he was very attentive and loving and that is not his normal way.  So in the back of my head, I was thinking that he was just faking and I almost could not wait for it to be over because I had thoughts of him and her and then of him faking it with me.  I tried to pretend that everything was Ok but when he left, I just started sobbing.  I felt so sad.  And it wasn’t all about the awkwardness of the sex.  It was more about the fact that I remembered how wonderful sex used to be between us and how natural it felt before this all happened. This is all so sad and such a waste.”

I understand what you are feeling.  And, it’s quite normal.  I’d like to stress that one bad experience does not mean that your marriage is sentenced to always feeling uncomfortable or to having bad sex from here on out. Nor does it mean that you have to resume having sex since you’ve done it once.  You get to decide how you want to proceed from here and you can chose to not allow yourself to be pressured or to set the pace that feels most comfortable to you.  Sure, your husband would undoubtedly like to be in his own home with his family, but you may not be ready yet.  And it is really up to you whether you are ready to have him there in that capacity.

I always found that physical sex was often affected by how I felt emotionally. If you have not healed yet (and six weeks could be too soon) then the sex isn’t likely to be great.  It wasn’t mentioned whether there was counseling or any plan to facilitate healing.  But just spending time together on the days that he comes home probably isn’t going to adequately address all of the issues.  It’s very hard to have great sex when the issues are still between you.

Also, I know why you assume that he’s faking it.  I had the same worries.  But it is possible that he is trying to go out of his way to show you how much he cares and how sorry he is.  He may not know exactly how to say or express this with words so he is trying to do it physically.  Eventually though, expressing it with honest and straight forward words is going to be needed.  Because until you can both do that, you are both going to have questions and doubts. You can grapple along physically, but because you are not there emotionally, you are likely to always know that it is just not right. And you deserve better than that.

It is very normal to feel sad because there is a loss after infidelity.  You know that things have changed through no fault of your own.  It’s a very frustrating, helpless feeling that I do not think that people fully appreciate or understand.

However, I do not want for you to think that this goes on forever because it doesn’t.  You do feel better in time and, as healing takes place, that helpless feeling begins to wane because you feel your sense of control at least partially return.  Sex can get better also, but I would not rush this.  I don’t see a benefit in doing so.  It can mix things up with you emotionally – which can also affect the sex so it becomes a negative cycle.  I always found that it pays to keep things simple when you focus on emotions and healing initially, and then you worry about the sex when it is more appropriate to do so.

What you are feeling is normal and understandable.  There is loss right now, but as you take some of your control back and begin to prioritize healing, you will hopefully see some relief in the sadness. Take it one day at a time and don’t feel bad about yourself for feeling whatever comes up.

When you are ready, there are things that you can do to increase your sexual confidence and satisfaction.  But do not rush it.  There is no hurry.  I found that waiting for it to be emotionally right meant that it was also physically right.  It was worth it to move slowly. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When wives find out that there is “another woman” in their husband’s lives, they often assume that the lure of the other woman was her looks, or her sexual attraction, or her age. Wives are sometimes confused when the husband claims that it is the other woman’s attitude or personality that was the draw.

A wife might explain: “I assumed that when I confronted my husband about his cheating, he would agree to end it. He hasn’t. He keeps saying that he isn’t sure what he wants. I have followed him around endlessly asking him why he is doing this. We have a family and I believed that our marriage was a good one. My husband is very unorganized and I am very organized and I always figured we balanced each other out. He has never told me that he doesn’t like me taking the lead on organizing our home and our family. But now he says that one thing that draws him to the other woman is that she makes him feel so comfortable. He says that he can be himself around her and just ‘let his hair down and relax.’ He says that she never nags him. He says that she never makes demands or expects him to act a certain way or do certain things. But he says that I make him feel anxious and that if he doesn’t act in a certain way, then I am disappointed in him. He says he always feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me. And that my expectations for him are too high. I am not sure what to make of this. He’s never complained about this before. And now suddenly he makes it sound like I’m a task master. This is confusing and upsetting to say the least. How am I supposed to compete when all of a sudden he is telling me that he doesn’t like my personality and that he’s suddenly  so unhappy with our marriage and home life?”

Why This Is Sort Of A Catch 22: This is a tough situation. And many husbands will say the same – that its a relief to be in a relationship with a woman that doesn’t ask much of them. But what the men do not realize is that what he’s seeing from her is typically not real. So he is not comparing apples to apples. Of course she is going to act laid back and like she wants nothing in return. That is how she lures him into it. If he started out making demands or having expectations, then it would not be nearly as alluring. But this “no expectations relationship” is not sustainable. Who is going to want to be in a long term relationship where they are allowed to ask for nothing in return?

Another consideration is that many men will offer up this explanation as, at least in part, a way to get you to back off of your demands and requests. You can become afraid to be too angry or too critical about the affair because once again, you are making him feel “anxious.” But of course, you have every right to be angry and to ask him to make concessions because of what he did. But you may feel you can’t because he’ll call you “critical” the second that you do.

Helping Him To See What Is Really Happening: So you’re in a really difficult situation. It may help to see someone to help both you and your spouse see this in a different way. A really good therapist may help your spouse see that he is not dealing with reality. And because the therapist is doing it, you will not be the one who seems judgmental or critical. People don’t always go to a therapist to save their marriage after an affair. Sometimes, they go just to help maintain civility in their family while they are going through this process. They help you to deal with what is happening in a way that is best for your kids, and ultimately, best for you.

Sometimes, it ends up helping the marriage anyway because it gives the husband a new perspective on what he is doing. It helps him see reality in a way that the wife never could. And if not, it can at least help you to transition positively.  And it can help support you when you feel criticized for something that he never complained about before.  Plus, it may help you to determine if there’s any validity to his claims that you’re too controlling.

If you back away for fear of making him feel anxiety, you are not really addressing the problem. But if you tell him that he’s acting like a selfish jerk and that his “casual relationship” is all a fallacy, he’s going to think that you are only saying this because you want the affair to end and you have your own agenda.

This is only my opinion.  And I am not an expert.  But to stop this cycle, you can either wait for him to come to his senses while placing your focus on yourself for now. Or, you can suggest counseling just to make sure that you’re handling this effectively for the kids. (You can reassure him that the counseling is more for co parenting than for saving the marriage for now.) The hope is that the counseling will help him see how he’s been fooling himself. And once that happens, he may well drop the complaints about your personality differences.

I believe that it is always beneficial to work on yourself.  And if his claims have validity, you can work on that.  But it also seems that he needs help in seeing reality.  And he will often resist your being the one to offer the help.  Sometimes a third party is invaluable with this. You can read more about my own process, and what helped me, at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It would nice if the spouse who was having an affair always had a solution in mind once he got caught. It would give the faithful spouse a lot of reassurance if it was immediately clear that the cheating spouse wanted to save the marriage. This isn’t always the case though. Sometimes, the cheating spouse is very honest about the fact that he doesn’t know what he wants.

A wife might explain the situation this way: “I was floored when I found out that my husband has been cheating on me. I was even more floored when he said he didn’t know if he wanted to end things with the other woman. He says that he still loves me. He says that he does not want to break up our family. But he also admits that his feelings and commitment to the other woman ‘are complicated.’ He is asking me to ‘give him time to come to a decision.’ I feel that it is not fair to make me wait and hold up my life in this way. But at the same time, I don’t just want to abruptly file for divorce if there is a chance that somewhere down the line we might fix this mess – especially for the sake of our children. However, I don’t want to allow him to hold up my life forever. How long should I give him to come a decision?”

That’s an answer that I can’t give you. I don’t know your tolerance for waiting or how long your spouse plans to ponder this. I do understand that you don’t want to end your marriage abruptly without having all of the information. I agree with this. I took this strategy also because I know that divorce was very drastic and could potentially be something I’d regret, especially if I knew that I had acted too swiftly.

With that said, you make a sound argument that it’s not fair for you to be in limbo while waiting. I think that one way around this is to not allow yourself to just be waiting without making any progress in your own life and toward your own healing. Who is to say that you can not start counseling and start moving toward recovery without him? You do not need to wait for him to come to a decision for you to start the process.

You Don’t Have To Wait For Him In Order To Begin Moving Forward: Regardless of what happens with your marriage, you will likely need self work to move toward healing. You don’t need his cooperation or his presence in order to do that.  Plus, taking this time for yourself may give you a clearer perspective on how long you are willing to wait.  But important decisions made in haste and peppered by hurt are not always the most sound decisions.  It’s better to calm down and take careful consideration.

Clarifying Your Position: Another consideration that you’ll have to make is whether or not to continue your marital relationship and all that implies while you are waiting. Many people take intimacy and the romantic aspects of their relationship off of the table when they are in this situation. Because it’s very difficult to just carry on with your marriage when you know that there is another person in it.

There really is no set time for this or any rules. But obviously you want him to be open and to move in the direction of a resolution as soon as is possible. And you want to be very clear on your own direction and boundaries.

You might try something like: ” I certainly wouldn’t want for you to lie to me and say that you want to save our marriage and eventually end the affair if that is not the truth. I obviously have no choice but to either wait or file for divorce. I feel I owe it to our family to wait. But I won’t wait indefinitely. In the meantime, I will be working on myself and evaluating what it is that I want. You are not the only one who is going to make life decisions right now. And since we are both making life decisions, I don’t think it’s wise for us to resume our marriage as it was before. We might decide to do that later after counseling- but not right now. My continuing on in a romantic relationship when I know that you’re seeing someone else would almost be condoning it and I will not do that. I trust that you will let me know when you’ve come to a decision. In the meantime, I will be taking care of myself and figuring out what I want moving forward.”

This lets him know that you won’t be being intimate with him during this process. He needs to know that he has to make a decision to end the affair if he wants to resume your marriage and it’s important that he knows that you are just not going to wait around forever.

Stay busy. Get counseling if you need it and focus on yourself. It’s important that he sees that you value yourself enough that you’re not just giving him the power to decide your future. You are part of the decision-making process as well. It’s not just about what he wants. It’s about what you both want.

In my own case, it was the opposite.  My husband was waiting for me to make a decision.  It took a while.  But in the meantime, we both worked on ourselves as individuals.  My family was definitely a consideration.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Often, by the time the faithful spouse decides that they might be open to their cheating spouse at some point in the future, they have well defined conditions that must be met. They are usually pretty honest about these conditions. Examples of these are that the cheating spouse must go to counseling, or must offer reassurance, or must commit to being honest and getting rehabilitated. These are just some examples. People will have their own conditions depending on what happened with the cheating and also on what the faithful spouse feels that they are going to need in order to be whole again.

Unfortunately although many cheating spouses will not hesitate to offer whatever the faithful spouse says they need, they don’t always deliver it in the way that the faithful spouse had hoped.

Someone might explain: “when I caught my husband cheating, I was honestly packing my bags. I didn’t make any secret of this. I had my suitcase on my bed and was flinging clothing into it. My husband asked me not to make any concrete decisions when I was angry. I had planned to stay with my mother anyway. While I was there, he called and came by all of the time. He kept saying he had made a mistake and he hoped that someday I would give him a chance to make up for this mistake. For a long time, I wasn’t even open to him. Gradually, I started looking forward to these visits. He asked me to think about giving our marriage another chance. I told him that I could not promise him anything. But I finally agreed to keep seeing him if he would promise to be sweet, loving, reassuring and responsible. I also asked him to work on himself because he’s been depressed lately which is why I think he cheated in the first place. He promised to do all of these things. He did them for about two weeks and now he is right back to taking me for granted and being quiet and sullen all of the time. It seems like now that he knows I am open to him, he takes it for granted that he no longer needs to make an effort. I need him to court me. I need for him to tell me why I’m worth it. I need to feel special to him and like I am worth a fight. But no. He’s now just passive and he just sits there – like he’s waiting for me to make the effort. This isn’t how it is supposed to work. He is supposed to be the one making an effort to show me how important I am to him. It’s like he’s refusing to give me what I need for longer than just a couple of days. I’m starting to wonder if he is capable of giving me what I need. Because if he’s not, then I don’t want this marriage. If he won’t give me what I need, then how can I feel anything toward him?”

Know That He May Be Trying In His Own Limited Way: I understand this. I felt the same way. However, I’m not sure you’re going to feel any better if you cut your losses and just leave. Since he had gotten at least some of your cooperation and you were somewhat invested, it may feel like a huge loss to give up. It might help to consider that it may not be that he’s refusing to give you what you need. It may be that he does not know how, exactly, to do this.

Men are not nearly as skilled as women at expressing their feelings and offering reassurance and emotion. They are not natural caregivers as they usually had their mother and then their wife to fulfill this role. That doesn’t mean that they can’t or shouldn’t learn this skill. But it does not come naturally to them.

He May See Your Needs As Requirements Meant To Punish Him: Another consideration is that sometimes, men think that your having requirements of him is the equivalent of your punishing him for his cheating. Although he may know full well that he deserves this, he may resist it. Because he may find himself wondering for how long this is going to go on. That’s why you may have found him cooperative from the beginning but you see that he is pulling back now. This certainly isn’t your fault, but I mention it because I want you to understand what mind set you are dealing with.

Alternative Strategies: You could try to nudge him along, reminding him of what he promised and then spelling out EXACTLY what type of behavior you want to see (men are not very good at guessing.) And you can make it clear that you will let him know when it’s ok to start phasing this out. But, I think it’s easier if you allow a counselor to take this task off of his hands.

Because then someone else – and not you – is asking for the repeated changes in behavior. So, it doesn’t seem like you are trying to punish him and you avoid all of those resentments that just add to what you are going through. Often, a third party can get more out of him, and for longer, than you can because that third party is not so tangled in the hurt of this issue.

Plus, you have said that he has exhibited depression.  This is not something that most people, or most couples, can handle on their own.  It’s only a suggestion. I know that not every one is open to counseling, but it makes this issue a lot easier because it’s coming from someone else – not from you. And by suggesting this, I’m not implying that you don’t deserve or need the reassurance. I know first hand that you do. And I also know that you often need this for a good while. There’s nothing wrong with that. You shouldn’t have to feel like you should make demands sparingly or only for a certain period of time. It’s normal and understandable to have needs. The key is figuring out how to get them met without causing more damage.

This was a challenge for me also, although for the most part my husband was pretty accommodating.  He didn’t always act in the way I hoped, but sometimes I had to read between the lines and know that he was trying in his own flawed way.  He isn’t me.  He doesn’t show love in the way that I do. But if I looked, I could see where he was trying. You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: In some marriages that have been marred by an affair, there comes a time when the husband has to chose between the other woman and the wife. The wife is usually hoping that he will do the right thing and chose her. This doesn’t always happen though. It’s often assumed that once the husband choses the other woman, the marriage is over. But what happens when the husband realizes that he has made a mistake and wants his marriage back? It can be an incredibly difficult situation with many variables to consider.

To demonstrate, a confused wife might say: “I was devastated when my husband announced that he could not give the other woman up. He said that he had developed real and lasting feelings for her and that they were going to try to make their relationship last. So he loaded up his car, said goodbye to the kids while everyone was sobbing, and went and moved in with her. I assumed that this would be the end of my marriage and I tried to pick up the pieces as best as I could. The last couple of months have been a nightmare for my children and myself. But what choice did I have? I have just been taking things day by day. Well, nearly three months after he left us, my husband came by the house and after we put the kids to bed, he told me that he made a grave mistake. He says that being with the other woman full time made him realize that she is not who he thought that she was. He says their relationship is completely over and that he now wants his marriage back. Well, what about what I want? I would tell him to go jump in a lake and that it’s too late for all of this. But I see how miserable my children have been without their dad. My parents were divorced and this affected me deeply. I don’t want to do this to my children. But I am not sure how our marriage can ever work because I know that when the chips were down, he chose someone else. I am not sure that I can ever get over this. All I keep thinking of is that I wasn’t his first choice. So part of me thinks that saving our marriage is just going to a waste of time for both of us and it’s going to get my kids’ hopes up needlessly. I just don’t know what to do.”

I absolutely understand your confusion, pain, and frustration. I believe that most people would feel exactly the same way. This is a difficult situation. And my inclination in situations like this is to not make any snap or quick decisions. You don’t have to commit to saving your marriage right now. You don’t even have to make any major decisions right now. You can tell your husband that you are willing to spend more time together in the near future for the sake of your children, but you can’t make any promises beyond that.

Then, you can watch his behaviors very closely and gage your own feelings as you move through the process. I would suggest not forcing anything and not rushing it. This may take a while to iron itself out. You may not know how you feel or what you want immediately. But you get to ultimately decide what you want to happen. Just because he has had a change of heart, this does not dictate your actions. You have a say in your own life.

I know that many people will resist counseling, but in a situation as difficult as this one, I think that it may be helpful and I would suggest individual counseling first before you even decide if you want joint counseling, but your therapist would certainly know best as to what is advised.

Finally, I don’t mean to discourage you. Couples can and do reconcile all the time in this scenario. It is absolutely possible. At the same time, I don’t feel that you should feel pressured or rushed. You likely need a good deal of time to process this and to begin healing before you can even think about what you want to do about your marriage. Sure, he may have had a change of heart. But you get to decide what (if anything) this means for you. And if you do decide that you ultimately want to save your marriage, then you get to do it on your own terms.  There’s nothing wrong with spending time together for the sake of the kids and then seeing where that leads you.  But the choice really is yours.

I did ultimately save my marriage after my husband’s affair, but I took my sweet time before I decided that I was open to it.  I figured if my husband really cared as much as he claimed, he would wait.  And he did.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Nothing is as frustrating and as hurtful as finding out that the husband who is begging you to save your marriage after his affair is still reaching out and staying in contact with the other woman. This can leave you wondering which one is pursuing the other, if he is out-and-out lying to you, and, if so, why he would be continuing to lie in this way.

I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband has been having an affair with someone who goes to our church. I walked in on them looking very intimate with one another at church. I knew by their body language that something was wrong. It took a while for my husband to finally admit to this, but I kept at him until he did. And he broke down and started saying that he didn’t want to lose me and so he was begging me to try to save our marriage. I thought about this for a couple of days because I was really tempted to just walk away. I ultimately didn’t because of my children, but also because I don’t want to have to leave my church. So I told him that I would give him the chance to prove to me that our marriage should be saved. Based on how upset he seemed when he was begging me to stay, I expected him to pull out all of the stops where our marriage was concerned. But then I go to church this Sunday and I walk in on them whispering all over again. They both had guilty looks on their faces, like they were doing something wrong. My husband claims that she sought him out and that he wasn’t doing anything wrong. I don’t believe him. Not in the least. Why would he claim that he wants to save our marriage and then continue to see her? Is he just a liar? Is he just being cruel? Did he intend to break it off but then saw her and was not be able to resist? I just do not get it.”

Any answer that I give you will quite frankly be speculation on my part. However, I do get a lot of correspondence from men in this situation and I can suggest some possibilities.  That said, you may not know which possibility is correct until you have more information or until enough time has passed for you to better gauge the situation. But, here are some possible reasons that you’re seeing this contradiction.

He May Be Telling You The Truth: I know that it is shocking and upsetting to see them together once again. But, how do you know that she didn’t pursue him or follow him when he was minding his own business? I know that it’s perfectly natural to expect the worst of a man who has already lied and cheated. But sometimes, it is the other woman who is doing the pursuing and the husband is sincere when he says that he wants to (and is trying) to save his marriage. I know that it’s frustrating that you can only speculate. But, his future behavior is going to give you more information. Because if he is sincere, he will continue to show the behaviors typical of a man who is trying to save his marriage. He will come home on time, be loving and sincere, and stay by your side while at church.

He May Feel One Thing When He Is With You And Another When He Is With Her: It’s not at all unusual for a man to completely believe what he is saying when he tells his wife that he wants to save his marriage and then lose his resolve when the other woman is begging him to reconsider. That’s why it’s so very important that he stays away from her.

I know that you don’t want to leave your church and I understand that, but I would let the husband know that it’s expected that he stick close to you while there. That way, you won’t have to worry about the two of them being caught together once again. If he is with you for the entire time, she can’t approach him and he can’t sneak away.

It’s vital that he understands that his reaching out to the other woman in any way is in direct contrast to his claims of wanting to save your marriage.  It helps if he understands that if he does this again, you will need to reevaluate. Sometimes, he needs to know that you are serious about not tolerating him contacting or seeing her in any way, shape, or form.

I would suggest watching his behavior closely in the days to come. If he stays away from her and acts like a man who truly does want to save his marriage, that does say a lot. If you catch him contacting her again or he doesn’t make good on his promises regarding the marriage, then this says a lot about his intentions also.

Many people tell me that it’s very hard to just abruptly break off the affair, especially when the other person is still pursuing them. But I often respond that it may be difficult, but it is absolutely necessary and it is non negotiable. If someone is really serious about saving their marriage after their affair, they make their spouse their first priority and they stay away from the other person. Sometimes, it takes them a while to realize this, though. You can help by making your expectations perfectly clear and defining what you can not accept.

I think that requiring your husband to not venture away while in church might help.  It is also advisable that you make it clear that his being given the opportunity to save his marriage is contingent upon his behavior.  Healing after an affair isn’t always a linear process.  There are struggles and triumphs along the way.  You’re welcome to read more about my own journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I wish I could tell you that every person I hear from is well on the way to saving their marriage after their spouse’s affair and, has found the process relatively easy. That’s not the case, though. Most people discover that recovering from an affair is hard. And one of the biggest issues that you have to overcome is trust. It’s extremely common (and quite understandable) for the faithful spouse to constantly worry that the cheating spouse is going to start up the affair once again.

I might hear from a wife who says: “after weeks of going back and forth about it, my husband finally decided to end his affair and to once again focus on our marriage. I am so relieved about this. Because I don’t want to injure our kids with a broken marriage. But I’m afraid that in just a little while, I’m going to find out that one or both of them has started up the affair again. Because I’ve read emails and texts between the two of them where they proclaim their love for one another and say how painful it would be to ever be separated. They say that they don’t want to live without one another. So I’m afraid that he really does want to be with her and that if she so much as starts emailing him again, he will give in and go back to her. Is this fear unfounded? How many people start the affair back up again?”

This concern is so understandable. You’re being expected to just blindly believe that he will end something that he has engaged in on a secret level for quite some time. In fact, he has risked quite a bit to engage in that relationship.  So it’s understandable to question if he is really going to give it up.  I looked for some statistics about how often this happens, but I didn’t find anything that was particularly helpful. I found a lot of information that indicated that people who try to make their affairs into a permanent relationship are often disappointed. It’s rare for an affair to actually make it and to last. But that doesn’t stop people from trying and failing.

I can’t tell you that I never hear from people whose spouse has promised to try to save their marriage and then never actually ended the affair or started it up again in secret. This does happen. But I believe that there are some things that you can do to lessen the chances that your spouse might start the relationship once again. I will go over some of them below.

Let Ending The Affair Be His Decision: I know that it often sounds very tempting to threaten your spouse that he had better end the affair or else, but when you do this, you are forcing his hand. And if he was not the one who made the decision of his own accord, then he might look at the other person longingly, as though she is something he wants and can not have. And of course, this makes him want her even more and makes the temptation even greater. So to the extent you can, make sure he knows that ending the affair is his decision. Sure, he likely knows that there will consequences if he makes the wrong decision. But that same decision needs to be his.

Take Away Temptations: You might assume that it would be your spouse who pursues the other woman. It is often the other way around. I often see very sincere husbands end the affair with absolute clarity using language that makes it very clear that the affair is one hundred percent over. And yet, the other woman doesn’t want to take no for an answer and she continues to pursue him. Does he have a choice as to how he responds to this? Of course he does, but it was never his intention to continue communication in the first place.

That’s why it helps for him to remove all temptations. This means changing his phone number and email if he needs to. He should make it very difficult if not downright impossible for her to contact him. He should know that it’s expected that he come straight home from work and then spend as much time with you as is possible.

Begin The Business Of Rebuilding Your Marriage As Soon As You Possibly Can: I know that you might need some time to heal on your own before you begin the business of saving your marriage. But, to the extent that you can, try not to completely shut your spouse out by sharing where you are in the process. If you aren’t ready to begin work as a couple, then I’d suggest beginning individual work as soon as is possible.

Because the sooner your spouse has somewhere else to place his attention, the less likely he is to spend his attention on her. None of this is any guarantee that the affair won’t start again. But if you can keep him busy, make sure he doesn’t see or talk to her, and allow him make his own decisions regarding her, you can certainly lesson the chances that she is still going to be in your life.  And at the end of the day, you can’t control his behaviors.  But you can control the amount of time or temptations that he has.

Honestly, the longer that we worked on our marriage, the less I worried that she would come into the picture again.  And, this just takes time.  You kind of have to take a leap of faith at first and then watch closely and tweak when you need to. You’re welcome to read more about my own healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from people who are dealing with the recent discovery of their spouse’s infidelity.  Once the shock begins to wear off just a little, you start to question what might have motivated your spouse to cheat.

One motivation that is hard to ignore is that of a family history.  Many of us accept that disorders like alcoholism or mental illness can run in families.  But people often balk at the idea that infidelity runs in families.  Most of us vow to never act in the hurtful way that our parents did, so why do some of us cheat when we watched that same cheating destroy our family as a child?

Here’s a situation that you might hear.  A wife might say: “I just found out that my husband has been cheating.  This is so confusing. Because we honestly had a good, happy marriage and family life.  And my husband always swore that cheating is one thing that he would never – ever – do. His father’s cheating destroyed my husband’s family.  My husband hates his father and sees him as weak and spineless.  And yet, here my husband is – cheating on me.  My husband is begging me not to tear apart my family.  He says that the difference between him and his father is that he is willing to get help.  I do not understand this, although I know that my husband is sincere about counseling.  But I am not sure that I buy that infidelity runs in families.  Does it?  And if so, why? Because I feel like it is just a handy excuse.”

I certainly understand why you would feel that way.  And whether you believe the family history theory or not, it’s not a valid excuse either way.  Not every one makes the same mistake as their parents.  But there is no question that our parents’ behaviors affects our own.  My mother is a heavy smoker.  I have never smoked.  But there is no question that children of smoker’s are much more likely to smoke themselves, even if they hated the habit.

In terms of infidelity, I do see a family history among people who cheat.  It’s certainly not always the case.  And people with cheating parents are not doomed to cheat themselves.  But there does seem to be a correlation as well as higher risk factors.  I am not a therapist and this is not a scientific observation.  But I do hear of it quite a bit.

Why I Think That Infidelity May Run In Families: I have my theories,  but that is all that they are.  As I said, I do not have any degrees in mental health. But I am a rabid researcher because of my personal interest in this. I believe that we tend to recreate the atmospheres of our childhood because it is what we know.  If we grew up in chaos, we will be more likely to create that chaos in our own homes – even if we HATED that chaos and vowed never to repeat it.  We do this because its familiar and, it times of stress, people crave the familiar – even if that is heard to understand and even if it is destructive.

I also believe that we sometimes subconsciously recreate the situations of our childhood as a way to attempt to work through them.   This is true even when we have rejected our childhoods and have vowed not to make the same mistakes as our parents.  That is why it is so important to try to always be mindful when you parent.  Whatever atmosphere you create in your children’s childhood home, that is the roadmap for their adults lives.

Plus, it’s possible that some of the habits that we learned from our parents – avoiding talking about important emotional issues, or trying to create happiness outside of ourselves –  can contribute to our marriages being vulnerable, which can lead to an affair.  If our parents did not model a marriage where issues were discussed and fixed without going outside of our home, how we can we expect to have the same?

How Can You Fix It?: So how do we avoid repeating the mistakes of our parents?  We have to learn to be very aware of our thoughts and actions.  We have to be willing to get help if we sense or see ourselves repeating these thoughts or behaviors.  This requires that we be VERY self-aware. And in times of stress, we are less likely to be able to do this.

None of this means that you have to excuse your husband.  But it may help you to understand that he did have serious risk factors.  I do believe that having an unfaithful parent increases the risk that the child will be unfaithful.  It doesn’t mean that they will.  It just means that the odds are increased.  But there is always a choice, although making that choice can be harder for someone with the family history.

The good news is that, for what it is worth, I don’t believe that your husband’s family history means that your husband is going to be a repeat cheater who can’t be rehabilitated.  If anything, he may have an even greater motivation to be fully rehabilitated because he knows first-hand what type of destruction this caused his family as a child.  He knows how it feels to be that child from a broken home, so he does not want that for his own children.  That may mean that he’s doubly motivated to fully heal your marriage.

I certainly know that my husband had risk factors from childhood that may have contributed to his affair.  But I do not excuse him for that.  He was accountable for his choice and he took responsibility for it.   However, knowing the risk factors are there helps us both. There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people expect for their spouses to see them differently after the affair is found out. And I can tell you from experience that this is very true. You struggle with the knowledge that the person you thought you were married to is not who you assumed him to be. Many people assume that this is a struggle with their character, but this can encompass other areas too, like physical attraction.

I might hear from a husband who says: “my wife has every right to be mad at me or even to hate me because of my affair. I don’t have any valid excuse for it. Except for to say that my child’s illness has effected every aspect of my life including my outlook on life and on my marriage. I was prepared for my wife to say that she didn’t trust me anymore. I was even prepared for her to say that she didn’t respect me. But I was not prepared for her to say that she was no longer attracted to me. She said that she was wondering about what the other woman saw in me as I am overweight, balding, and pale. And when she thought these things, she realized that they were all true. And now, apparently because of this, she finds me a turn-off. She is not attracted to me anymore, so she is not sure if she wants to stay married. I don’t know how to respond to this. I look the same as I did before the affair and she seemed attracted to me then. I don’t know how much I can change my appearance. I could probably lose some weight but I can’t change my skin tone or hair. What can I do about this? Should I just accept that she’s never going to love or want me again?”

Admittedly, this is a tough situation. It hurts to hear these things, but at the same time, deep down, part of you might think that you deserve it. And part of you might realize that she is probably looking for reasons to hate you as part of a defense mechanism. You might even hope that in time, as she comes to see your personality and character as more favorable, that she will see your physical appearance as more favorable also. All of these things are possible, but it’s important to remember that she has every right to feel however she might be feeling right now, although it admittedly seems mean-spirited.  But she is probably motivated more by pain than malice.

Part of me will always see this situation from the perspective of the faithful spouse because that is where my experience lies. This may be useful to you, though because I can give you perspective on what your spouse might be thinking or feeling. I agree that, especially when the detection of the affair is fresh and new, you are looking for reasons to be mad at your spouse. You figure that the more you can be mad at and dislike him, the less this is going to hurt you.

So yes, you pick apart his flaws. You look for things to detest about him. You may even make fun of him in your own mind. But, you are trying to act toward your own self-preservation. When the dust settles a little and when you can’t help but notice glimpses of him showing integrity and good character or when he tries to put your well-being and your healing in front of his own, you might begin to notice that mental list of all the things wrong with him begins to get smaller and smaller. As you replace his bad characteristics with good ones in your own mind, the way that you have been treating him may begin to change.

I can’t tell you if your wife is lying about no longer being attracted to you after the affair. I believe that she may really believe it. I also believe that right now, she probably feels that it is in her best interest to feel in the defensive way that she does. You can not blame her. Finding out that your spouse cheated on you is beyond painful and you will often do whatever you need to do in order to get through this, including telling yourself that you don’t really want your cheating spouse anymore and are better off without him.

It’s normal to ask yourself what the other woman saw in him and then to tell yourself that he doesn’t have any outstanding physical attributes, but this doesn’t mean that you really mean it, deep down. As far as this husband changing his appearance, I am not sure that it would make a difference.

I suspect that the better tactic would be to begin trying to make this right. No matter what is going to happen in your marriage, trying to treat your wife with dignity, respect, and remorse is the right thing to do. Conducting yourself with integrity is the right thing to do. She might not be receptive to you at first. But if you stay the course, over time, she may see that you are sincere. And when she does, her attitude may begin to slowly change. And this may include her attitude toward your appearance.

I will admit that I picked apart everything about my husband after his affair, including his appearance.  But as he showed me the man that I loved was still there, my feelings toward his appearance began to change very gradually. If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I attempted to handle this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Most of the time, when you get the marriage proposal that you have been waiting for, it’s a time for relief and celebration. It should be one of the most exciting times of your life. Unfortunately, this can all be negated if you fear that you got the proposal because your significant other has cheated on you and is trying to show his remorse and commitment by asking you to marry him. This is usually not the way that you wanted it and you are not sure how to proceed from here.

Someone might say: “I’ve been hoping to get married to this man for quite some time. But he always had a reason why the timing wasn’t right. Last week, I found out that he’d been cheating on me with an old girlfriend. When I caught them, he immediately left her and went running after me. He promised that he would never see or communicate with her again. I told him I wasn’t sure if this was going to be enough for me. I told him that I wasn’t sure that our relationship could work with this type of damage. A couple of days later, he showed up at my place with an engagement ring. He said that he was so sorry that he messed things up in the way that he did. And this whole thing has made him realize that it is me that he loves and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I would have loved to have heard this two weeks ago. But now it is tainted. Now I feel like he’s just doing this because I caught him cheating. At the same time, I sort of want to accept the proposal because I’ve wanted to marry him from the first moment I saw him.  I don’t understand how he can possibly be proposing now and I told him I couldn’t make a decision right away.”

I know that this must be very confusing for you. And it’s awful that you can not have the excitement that you deserve. And I think that this should be a red flag that now is not the ideal time to proceed with an engagement or marriage. You likely already know this which is why you’re not feeling the elation that a woman would typically feel just after she has been proposed to.  That’s why you were right to delay an answer.

Potential Reasons For The Proposal: As to why he proposed, he is probably being truthful when he says this made him realize that he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you.  This is often the genuine response that people have.  But it is also sometimes a way (even if it is not a conscious thought) to have the affair “go away” and to speed up the whole “moving on” part.  He figures that if he gives you what you both know that you want, you’ll be more forgiving toward him and more willing to move on quickly.  The problem is that if you do this, you gloss over the issues and you are therefore vulnerable to this coming up again in the future.

Using The Potential Marriage As Motivation To Heal First: Because you want your marriage to be lasting and healthy, perhaps you could use this event as motivation for him to do what needs to be done toward healing.

You might try something like: “you know that I would love to marry you. But things have changed now because of the infidelity. We can’t start out a marriage before we have healed this. I’d like to see if we can do that, but I need your cooperation. I’d like to have a counselor help us to heal. If this works, then I would not be opposed to getting married. But I want to start our marriage with the confidence that we have moved past this and have worked through the issues that lead to this. It’s bad enough to deal with infidelity when you are not yet married. I do not want to deal with it as a married couple. So will you go to counseling with me? Let’s take it one step at a time. Let’s think about healing first and then if that all works out well, we can think about marriage further down the line once we are able to move past this.”

I know that part of you probably wishes that you could quiet those doubts in your mind, get married, and move on. But I can tell you from experience that those voices may haunt you until you do the work to heal. Truly, for me, healing was the only thing that gave me confidence in my marriage and in my husband again. I don’t believe that you can truly have the confidence until you do the work.

No one is saying that you have to take marriage off the table forever. But it makes sense to wait until the relationship has healed. Because getting married should be a wonderful, happy time. You don’t want to have to worry if he’s going to cheat again.  So it makes sense to heal and then remove those doubts so that when you go get married, there is nothing else to think about other than just enjoying, and fully experiencing, that day with an open-heart and a clear-mind.

There were times when I wanted to turn back and just try to forget about my husband’s cheating because the healing process is painful.  It’s like pulling off a scab.  I soon learned though, that it’s not possible to forget.  The only way for those doubts to quiet is to heal.  At least that was my experience.  It may be different for someone else. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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