Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I get a good deal of correspondence from wives who are hoping that their husband’s affair fails miserably.  These wives are typically looking for statistics that are going to give them reassurance that the affair is ultimately going to end and go up in flames.

Someone might ask: “my friends are telling me that affairs never last and that my husband’s affair is eventually going to end without my needing to do a lot about it.  They say that I am wasting a lot of energy worrying because the odds are in my favor.  In truth, I don’t know a lot of people who have cheated.  And the one couple that I do know who met each other when having an affair actually ended up leaving their spouses and getting married.  Admittedly, they have a rocky marriage and trust is always an issue between them.  But their relationship is still going. So is it true that most affairs don’t last? And if so, why?”

The Numbers: It is absolutely true that most affairs do not last.  Statistically speaking, only between 3 and 5 percent of affairs end in marriage.  This is quite low.  And when you consider that 75% of second marriages fail, you get a sense of how unlikely it is that even if an affair couple marries, they will have a life-long relationship.  I’d suspect that the divorce rate for couples whose relationship started as an affair would be higher than the 75% divorce rate of second marriages.

Why? For the same reasons that affairs in general don’t last.  I will list some of these reasons below.

The Relationship Is Based On Secrecy, A Lack Of Integrity, And Lies:  Any time your relationship is based on negative, shameful things like secrecy and lies, this does not give it a very good foundation.  In truth, neither person likely feels very proud of this background.  There is shame and guilt from the very beginning. While other couples will proudly reminisce about meeting in church or on a blind date, the cheating couple have to reminisce about how they pretty much started their relationship in a closet while lying to others.  This is not the best way to begin. Not only that, but often this couple’s friends and family members are secretly hoping that they fail because they do not approve of how the relationship started.

If He’ll Do It With You, He’ll Do It To You:  This is probably the biggest obstacle that these couples face.  They struggle with trust.  And this is understandable because each person has already shown themselves to be capable of cheating and leaving their spouse for the cheating partner.  Now that the cheating parter has become the spouse, what is to stop the cheating from happening with someone new?  Of course, every one wants to believe that they are so special that they are soul mates who will never need or want to cheat again.  Statistically speaking though, this is usually not true.

The Dynamic Of The Relationship Changes: Remember when I said that the people in the cheating relationship believe that they are special? Well, in a sense they are sort of right.  It is hard for a marriage to compete with an affair – at least on one level – because it’s a fantasy that is not rooted in reality.  The affair partner isn’t having to pick up anyone’s dirty socks. And the woman in the affair just wants to focus on the positive – she doesn’t nag or exhibit any real expectations, especially at first.  Theoretically, it is all about fun.

But when they are in a long term relationship or married, this changes.  Suddenly, she does have to pick up his dirty socks.  She seems him the bathroom cutting his nose hairs and burping at the dinning room table.  He sees her dying her hair and plucking her eyebrows.  That’s not as attractive as seeing her only when she’s only at her best.

In short, the monotony of a marriage suddenly replaces the excitement of the affair.   And it’s not nearly as exciting and magical.  This can leave both people feeling very let down and disappointed that they traded in their old life and hurt so many people when they are now pretty much living their old life with someone new and still having a new set of complications.

In Hindsight, The Affair Did Not Make Everything Better: People often assume that the affair is going to fix all of their problems or insecurities.  This just isn’t possible as you have to do this for yourself.  So that is another set of disappointments that soon become apparent.

In short, an affair rarely lives up to the promise it starts with.  Once it has to exist in reality, it changes.  Plus, it often starts with so much against it that is is nearly impossible to keep the momentum going.

So I would agree with your friends that the odds are definitely in your favor – simply because the odds and statistics tell us that most affairs are not lasting and do not end in marriage.  However, I don’t think that this is a reason to just sit back and do nothing for your own healing.  There is plenty that you can do for yourself to move yourself forward regardless of what your husband is doing at the time.  I think that it’s important that you don’t just wait around for him to come to a decision or realization.  Self help or counseling can mean that you move forward regardless of what he decides.  And this doesn’t mean that you’re moving away from your marriage necessarily.  It just means that you are strengthening yourself so that when there is a resolution, you are ready.

I didn’t wait for my husband to start the healing.  I began it myself.  He later came along for the ride.  But I didn’t wait on him.  You’re welcome to read about more of the story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Sex is often a huge source of conflict after an affair.  It can be awkward.  It can be infrequent.  Or, in some cases, it can be nonexistent. This can be because the cheating spouse feels that they don’t have the right to ask for sex or they don’t want to push it.  Or, the faithful spouse will find the idea of sext to be  just too much too soon.

A husband might say: “my wife refuses to have sex with me.  I know that it is because I had an affair and I do understand that.  But she’s been very open about the fact that having sex with me is kind of repulsive to her because all she can do is picture me having sex with the other woman. And because of this, she almost looks at me like a sexual deviant or someone who can’t get enough.  She says that intercourse should be a loving act among a committed couple and not just two people going at it like animals.  I asked her how long she plans to refuse.  She said she has no idea.  She says that even the thought of it makes her sick.  I do understand that most of this is all my fault.  But I also can not agree to a future with no sex.  She seems content just to remain a family for the sake of our children.  But she doesn’t seem very interested in being my wife in every sense of the word.  Honestly, I’m pretty sure that if she refuses me forever, I will cheat again.  And what else would she expect?  How can I get her to have sex with me so I will not have to be unfaithful again?”

I am going to be honest and say that it’s hard for me to answer this without getting emotional.  Because I am a wife who has been through this. But I am going to try very hard to give a thoughtful answer because I would hope that these insights would help your wife.

There is no time frame for resuming sex.  Pressuring your wife does not help.  If anything, that would likely make her feel even less sexual toward you.  Quite honestly, sex can sometimes be the very last thing on your mind after infidelity.  Because just the thought of it can bring you pain.  It can be very scary because you’re afraid that the act of having sex is going to make you think of your spouse in the act with the other woman.  That’s not a mental picture that you want.  You want to avoid this for as long as can possible can.

And, wives are also often afraid that the husband will compare the two women and believe that the sex with the wife is “not as good” or not as exciting.  She’s likely already worried that she doesn’t measure up to the other woman.  She doesn’t want to give herself another worry.

Does all of this mean that she’ll never sleep with you again?  No, not necessarily.  I sleep with my husband on a regular basis today and in some ways, it is better than ever.  But it took a while to get to this place.  I was not prepared to connect physically until I could connect emotionally. I was not going to be able to have any sort of emotional connection until I could trust again and believe that my husband was truly sorry and committed to me.  This did not come immediately.

And frankly, I am not sure that it would have been possible if I had thought that his only interest was getting me to sleep with him as soon as possible.  If I thought that he cared more about getting his physical needs met than getting my emotional needs met after the pain he caused, then I may not have been interested in the sexual aspect of my marriage anymore.

You need to understand how devastating and painful this is to your wife.  Quite honestly, I believe that the quickest way to resume your sex life is to turn your attention away from it and place it back on helping your wife to heal.  She will see that you are interested in much more than just getting her to forget this so that she can resume her wifely duties.  She will see that care about her beyond the bedroom and this is vital.

This is not the time to be selfish.  This is not the time to think only of yourself and your own needs.  Put your wife first.  Have patience with her.  Understand how devastating your actions were.  Become the man that you know you want to be.  Become the husband that she deserves.  If you are able to do these things, her desire for you may come back.

It’s my own experience that having sex just for the sake of it isn’t really optimal.  It’s not likely to be a good experience if you’re not both into it.  I decided that it was better to wait until I could genuinely want it than to force it and have it turn out badly for both of us. You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: In terms of your marriage, there are few things that your spouse can do to make you question his morals like having an affair. I guess you might also question his morals if he stole from you or told you a very devious lie. But I can’t think of anything as bad as infidelity in terms of integrity. This can make you ask yourself if you want to be married to someone who seems to have no or low morals.

I might hear a comment like: “I will admit that I have impossibly high standards. I have them for everyone who I come in contact with. But I am hardest on the ones that I love – especially my husband and myself. I was very picky when it came time for me to get married. I broke off relationships with decent men if they weren’t honest in every single situation. High morals are something that is very important to me. And I never would have married my husband if I had known that some point in the future he would cheat on me with a woman who is much younger. To my husband’s credit, he did tell me about the affair when he didn’t have to. He is begging for my forgiveness. He has agreed to go to counseling and he even took the initiative to research different specialists in our town. He seems very motivated to try to make things right between us again. The problem is that I wonder if he is not just wasting his time. Because quite honestly, I find myself wondering if I can ever continue to be with a man of questionable morals. His having an affair shows a lack of integrity. I know that this is going to sound awful and judgmental, but I have always seen people who cheat on their spouse as low-quality individuals. And frankly, now I am putting my own husband is this category. Is there anyway to overcome this?”

I don’t think that you should be so hard on yourself. I don’t know many wives in this situation who don’t have some variation on these same thoughts. I most certainly thought all of these things myself. In fact, I lived apart from my husband while I was having these thoughts because I couldn’t ever envision a future with a man who had let me down so hugely.

So how did I move past these concerns? Well, I listened to a helpful counselor who suggested that I take the overall behavior of my husband over the course of our marriage into account. She told me that it was short-sighted to determine the future of my marriage because of just one action in many, many years. My first reaction to this was to think: “yes, well it was a very big mistake. But, we aren’t talking about a tiny mistake like forgetting our anniversary. We are talking about betraying me and lying in the worst way possible.”

But, as time passed, I realized that what the counselor said may have some validity. I hadn’t been perfect over the course of our marriage, although I had never cheated. I had to admit that my husband was doing every single thing that I had asked. And throughout the entirety of our marriage, my husband had shown himself as someone who had quite high morals. Of course, his cheating nearly negated all of this.

And I really think that this is what it all comes down to – if you make a decision that you are going to let one mistake define your husband’s morals or if you are going to look at his moral character over the life of your marriage. That is a decision that no one can make for you. And I believe that whatever you decide is absolutely valid. I would never stand in judgement of some other wife’s decision regarding her husband’s affair. Because only she knows what she can and can not live with or accept.

But I can say that things can evolve and change during the healing process. I can only speak for myself. But I found that things I thought that I would never even consider forgiving have been forgiven. And the reason for this was that as time went by and my anger faded, I was able to take the emotion and anger out of my decision-making a little more. With the passage of time, I was able to look at our marriage over the entire course of it and not just right after the affair.

Not every one can or wants to do this. But in my case, this is what made the difference for me. And it is why I can say that while my husband’s decision to have an affair showed low morals for that particular horrible decision, I do not consider my husband to be a person who is lacking in morals over all. This might seem contradictory. But I can’t deny that my husband is a good man who is active in his community and who will always help others every time he is given the opportunity. Over the many years that we have been together, he is not someone who lies or cheats as a habit. Most of the time, he will be brutally honest – even to his own detriment.

As you can see, I’ve been able to separate the man from his act. But not every one wants to do this. Everyone has their own stance on this and I would never judge anyone for their stance.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Sometimes, when you have cheated on your spouse and you deeply regret it, the one thing you want more than anything is a chance to both explain yourself and to tell your spouse how you really feel.  You want your spouse to know that you love them and that you are willing to do whatever you have to do in order to have one more chance.  But, your spouse isn’t always willing to listen to what you have to say – especially in the beginning.  This can be very confusing because you can feel that getting your message across is hugely important, but you also want to respect your spouse’s wishes – especially now.

A cheating spouse might explain: “I know that the conversation about my infidelity is going to be a difficult one.  But I want to have that conversation as soon as possible.  I have no intentions of making excuses for myself because there are no excuses. But I would like to tell my husband that I plan to be the best wife moving forward.  I’d like to tell him that I am already in counseling and would be more than willing to go with him if he wants me to.  I want to tell him that for the past week, I have been sick with worry that I’ve ruined everything.  I want to tell him that I’ve been almost overcome with dreams and images of us early in our marriage when we were so in love.  I want to tell him that I want that back.  But every time I even try to talk about this, my spouse tells me that he is just not ready to listen to me in this regard.  I understand that. I really do.  But I feel that him hearing these things might influence the decisions that he is making right now.  I think it’s important for him to know how much I love him and how sorry I am.  Yet, I don’t want to force anything on him.  What should you do when he’s not ready to talk yet?”

As a spouse who has been where your husband is right now, I can tell you that I think that you should respect your spouse’s wishes.  I would not have appreciated it at all if my husband had forced any conversation on me or had continued to talk and explain when I asked him not to.  I would see this as disrespectful and not being aware (or caring enough about) my needs.

With that said, I don’t think that you want to just retreat either.  Your spouse wants to see that you are focused and intent on making this right.  So, you don’t want to make it appear that you are going to give up easily.  I can only speak for myself.  But after my husband’s affair, I wanted him to leave me alone when I asked him to, but I also wanted to see that he loved me enough not to be so easily discouraged.  I wanted him to give me time, but I also I wanted to know that I was worth it to him to stay the course for me.

I know that I am asking you to walk a very fine line here.  But I think it’s possible to find a compromise.   You could ask yourself what is most important to you in terms of what you want your spouse to know right now – and immediately.  I think that you want to stress that you are sorry, that you still love your spouse, that you are thinking of them, and that in time you hope that you are given a chance to fix this.

All of these things can be said in a letter or card.  That way, you have respected your spouse’s wishes.  And they can read the card whenever they think that they are ready to hear the message.  You’re still being respectful and have done as they have asked.  And you’re allowing them to set the time frame where they’re ready to hear your message.

So, I’d consider saying what I needed to say in heartfelt, but respectful letter.  This may be a relief for you because you can finally release those feelings.  Then, at a time when both you and your spouse are as calm as you can be at a time like this, you might say: “I know that you said you aren’t ready to listen to me and I respect that.  But I’ve written down a couple of things.  When you feel ready, maybe you can read this letter.  It may not change anything, but there are things that I want you to know.  One day, I’d like to talk about this face to face.  But no pressure.  I will let you set the pace.  I don’t want to do anything to rush or pressure you.  My primary concern is your well being.  And I would never want to make things worse by moving too quickly.  But I hope that you will read the letter when you’re ready.  And I hope that you know that I am here and waiting anytime you want to talk.”

This should allow both of you to get at least most of what you want – you will know that when he’s ready, he will receive your message.  And he will know that you’ve respected his request.  And it’s important that you allow him to set the pace.  I wanted to know that my husband was ready to move when I wanted him to.  But there were times when I just didn’t want to be confronted with the infidelity topic right then because things seemed very overwhelming.  Sometimes, the faithful spouse just needs some time.  It’s important to respect that.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from people who are want to save their marriage after infidelity, but who are very concerned that their spouse is not yet “over” the other person – even when their spouse insists that there is nothing left to the cheating relationship.

Many men like to claim that the affair meant little or nothing to them, but women have a hard time believing this.  A wife might say: “my husband had an affair with a woman who he went to high school with.  He saw her at his class reunion which I did not attend because of other obligations.  They were not old flames or anything like that. Apparently alcohol was involved and then after the sex they carried on with an online and text affair.  They were only together that one time.  My husband is telling me that he did not really care deeply for this woman.  But reading some of their texts makes me question this.  My husband is claiming that he can just end the relationship immediately. He acts like he doesn’t care enough about her to dwell on it.  I question this.  I am not saying that he’s lying to me – exactly.  But I don’t know how a relationship can be important enough to cheat on your wife over but not so important to discuss it when you end it. I have never had an affair.  But I do admit that my first love started texting me a couple of years ago.   And just that communication alone became very deep and meaningful.  When I told him we couldn’t talk anymore because it just wasn’t appropriate, it quite frankly, broke my heart.  It took me months to get over it.  But I knew my marriage was more important to me.  My mother told me that men get over affairs more easily than women because for men it is more about the sex and for women it is more about the emotions.  Is this true?”

Well, I will concede that most people do believe this to be true.  I think it’s probably a mistake to assume that men don’t cheat for emotional reasons or can not be emotionally invested in the other person.  They do and they can.  I hear from men who are emotionally attached in an affair.

My Non-Scientific Perceptions: However, if I’m being honest, I do have to say that it is much more common to hear from a woman who is emotionally invested in an affair and having a hard time letting go than a man.  That’s not exactly scientific data – I know. It’s quite possible that women are more comfortable reaching out, as I’m a woman too.  But I do hear from a lot more women who know that they need to save their families but who feel strongly that they are in love with the other man and that he understands them more than anyone else.   That’s not to say that men don’t feel this way.  But I find that for women, it is so important for them to feel heard, understood, and appreciated.  They don’t mention sex nearly as much when they talk about the other person.  They mention the feelings.  They mention the emotions. They mention not wanting to let go.

Men can mention the feelings, but they also mention the physical connection – or the sex.  They often mention feeling alive – which is sometimes sort of double speak for the buzz that they get from the novelty of sex with someone new.  I don’t want to imply that it is all about sex for men or even that it is all about a relationship with no expectations.  Because I don’t believe that either of these things are true.  But I do hear a lot of men say that the other woman didn’t make demands of him, while women rarely say this.

And I think that might be part of why we have the perception that men can walk away from an affair more easily.  There were no expectations, so what is the harm in just walking away? It’s perceived that men are less likely to look at it in the long term.  Many men who have affairs don’t intend to leave their wives.  They don’t intend for her to find out.  So yes, when they tell you that they can walk away, many of them mean it.

I am not telling you that a man can not fall in love with the other woman and then miss her horribly and mourn when he lets her go.  That does happen.  But I see it happening less with men than with women.  And that might sound stereotypical and it may be because I hear from more women than men.

But it does seem to me that many men are able to move on quite quickly. Once their wives find out and they decide to save their marriages, many have no qualms about ending the affair immediately and totally.  And in this case, when the husband was only with the woman one time – it makes sense to believe that perhaps this wasn’t a meaningful, deep relationship.

If you think about, you said that you ended the correspondence with your first love because your priority was your husband.  In essence, he may well be doing the same.  I know that you want to know if he’s still thinking of her.  But in the end, if he chooses to make your marriage a priority and you do also, then this is the best place to turn your attention. 

I did worry in the beginning that my husband would have a hard time getting over the affair.  But you know what? It was actually me that had the hardest time getting over it. He was ready to move on immediately.  And I took much longer.  You can read more about it on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  If I’m being honest, I’m not sure that any of my husband’s excuses for an affair were going to ring true for me, especially at first.  When you are dealing with the shock of an affair, you are defensive.  You are angry.  So when your husband starts will the defenses which indicate that something was missing in his life, it’s very easy to reject these outright.

Some of us will debate that anything was wrong.  And some of us will accept that something was wrong, but will stop short of believing that the flaw was any sort of excuse.  Sometimes, it is very hard to understand what he means when he gives you vague terms as excuses.  One such excuse is the description of feeling “empty.”

Someone might say: “I honestly could not believe it when I caught my husband having an affair. I never thought that he was the type and I thought that our marriage was good.  My husband has always been disappointed in friends who have cheated on their wives.  So I never could have anticipated this.  At first, he refused to talk about any aspect of the affair.  He would get angry and quiet.  His face would turn red.  I honestly think he’s a little bit embarrassed.  In the past week, I’ve been very clear about telling him that I expect answers.  And that if I don’t get them, our marriage might be over.  So finally be blurted out that he just felt ’empty’ and this his eyes got all teary.  I guess he thought I would feel pity for him, but honestly, all this confession did was to make me feel anger and a loss of respect.  What a cry baby.  What a whiner.  My life isn’t always great but you don’t see me going out and ruining my life and cheating on people.  What the heck does this even mean anyway – ’empty?’  How does one feel empty?  It’s just ridiculous to me.”

We all know the literal definition of empty.  The dictionary definition is “containing nothing.  Not filled or occupied.”  But the emotional definition of empty is a little more difficult to grasp.  When someone says they feel empty, it means that they feel flat.  They don’t feel fulfilled.  They feel as though their life lacks purpose.

Frankly, I’ve heard a lot of depressed people say that they feel empty.  Because when you are down emotionally, it is easy to focus on a feeling of lack.

Even if your husband is being completely honest with you (and I don’t know why he would lie about this, since it’s not exactly flattering,) it doesn’t excuse his cheating.  But it does indicate that he’s willing to open up.  And it does give you a starting point.

Unfortunately feeling empty isn’t a very specific complaint and addressing it isn’t going to be a quick fix.  You can’t just suddenly fill your husband’s emotional cup.  His lack is his own.  And no one else can fill him except for himself.  It must come from within him.

Common Reasons For Feeling ‘Empty:’ There are many reasons people feel empty.  Some are disappointed with how their life has turned out so far.  Others feel that they are lacking purpose so they don’t feel that they make a difference in this world.  Others feel like they are just treading water in their life without any real meaningful direction.  Identifying the feelings is something that your husband is going to need to do for himself because you can’t possibly know how he feels and what he is thinking.

Good counseling can help your husband identify what is lacking and help him formulate a plan to feel better.  Many people do not have the self knowledge or the ability to objectively look at themselves to see what is really happening.

The good news is that often, once the person finds their way again, they no longer have the need to seek out risky or dangerous behaviors in order to feel whole (or to feel anything for that matter.)

Feeling empty isn’t an excuse for cheating, but it is a route that many people will take.   Nothing in their life makes them feel alive or brings a flush to their face.  They get desperate to feel anything at all.  So the affair is an attempt to get them to feel, to get them engaged again.

Of course, the better option would have been for him to have sought that feeling at home.  Once more, I am not excusing his cheating.  I am just speculating as to what he might be trying to express.  And I want to stress that although it may be tempting to try and fix this for him, this isn’t something that anyone but him can and should address.

Certainly, you can support him.  You can encourage him to seek counseling or self help.  This is true even if you aren’t sure about your marriage.  Whether you are angry with him or not, he is an important person in your life, and I’m sure you want him to get help for this.  But you can not fill him or take away his emptiness.  Only he can do that.  And it’s important that he does.  Because you can not give someone something that you do not have.

You can not give another person love and stability when you yourself are not feeling that internally.  I hope that this article may have give you some insight on what your husband may have meant by feeling empty.  By no means is an excuse, but it may be an attempt to express why he acted.

When my husband first tried to explain his affair, I thought he was just speaking of empty excuses.  Later, I realized that his insights were actually very important because they needed to be addressed for the benefit of any future relationship between us.  Try to see this as a clue and not as an excuse.   There’s more about my own struggles and realizations on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It is normal for both spouses to struggle after an affair. People often assume that it is just the faithful spouse who struggles. But this isn’t the case. The spouse who cheated can feel deep shame and guilt – which can lead to a feeling of worthlessness and depression. And these things can add more challenges to an already difficult situation.

A wife might say: “my husband says that he is overwhelmed with guilt and shame because of his affair. He deserves to be. He made a profile on an online dating site and he pretended to be single. He met a woman and began an affair. This woman found out about me and she called me to apologize. At first, I hung up.  But I later called her back because I realized that I had been very rude. Because once I thought about it and I read his profile, I realized that none of this was her fault. He lied to both of us. She started a relationship with a man she thought wasn’t married. I can’t really be mad at her. But I sure am mad at him. I do not understand how he could do this. I am a good person. We have a good marriage. There was nothing awful for him to escape so that he had to go on a dating website. And I admit that I am very vocal about my confusion. Last night, I was trying once again to ask my husband why he would do this. He blurted out that he doesn’t know why and that he’s horribly depressed and overcome with feelings of embarrassment and worthlessness. I almost feel as if he says these things because he wants me to stop talking about the affair and to stop asking questions. Suddenly I am supposed to handle him with kid gloves because he’s sad? Well, I’m really sad too. I could be depressed too. But it is because of what he did. It doesn’t seem fair that he can just pull the depression card every time he doesn’t want to talk about what a loser he was with this affair.”

This is a tricky situation. Because depression isn’t something that he can prove or something that you can disprove. And depression is not something that you should ever take lightly.

Still, in order for you to feel that you are getting what you need, you’re going to need to talk about the affair and get your questions answered.  And he is going to need for you to do this carefully because of his depression. This leaves you facing a situation that is very difficult to navigate.

I’m not a therapist or counselor, but I really can not recommend one enough in this situation. And I would not be surprised if she didn’t address the depression and the affair as separate issues.  Men who are depressed often have affairs.  It is their attempt to feel better and to have some relief from their emptiness.  And if his depression is untreated, it may well be more difficult to work toward any meaningful recovery and healing.

Working with a therapist or specialist means that you don’t have to accept less than the answers you want, but you’ll get help on addressing them in a way that doesn’t make his depression worse. He probably won’t be able to use that excuse with the counselor and she can help you explore if the depression was present beforehand and lead him to the dating website.

Because honestly, that’s a bit of a red flag as far as depression goes. I’d like to think that well adjusted, married men don’t commonly claim to be single on dating websites – unless they are having individual personal struggles. I’m not naive enough to think that this never happens. Of course it does. But you have to ask yourself why a man would do this. And depression is just one possibility.

Again, I am not a mental health counselor, but I would think that it’s safe advice to encourage both you and your husband see one. I know that cost is often a factor, but you can usually find someone that will work on a siding scale. Sometimes, government agencies in your county or town can help you find someone.  But please reach out.

Because depression is not something that a lay person knows how to deal with. And it may well delay any progress that you’d like to make.  Some things are just best left to the experts. And mental health is certainly one of those things.

I can’t tell you that counseling is always easy.  There were times when it felt like work.  But I can look back now and see that even things that confused me at the time were helpful to me. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from wives who don’t like the way that they are behaving or acting after discovering their husband’s affair.  Most of us like to have control over our actions and emotions.  But when you get this kind of shock and disappointment, it’s quite normal to lose control for a bit.  Many women are shocked and dismayed about this – especially when they are having a hard time stopping it.

A wife might say: “I don’t want to clarify myself as a control freak or ice queen.  Because neither of these things would be quite true.  However, I am not someone who becomes overly emotional.  I am pretty reserved and unemotional in most cases.  I like to respond to logic rather than emotion.  I suppose I’ve never been a typical woman in that way.  And my husband has always liked this about me because his mother has always been lead by her emotions.  My mother is the same way – and maybe that’s why I am the way that I am.  But ever since I found out that my husband cheated on me, my logical, rational self has left me.  I am a wreck.  I am constantly crying and acting like a crazy fool.  I threw my husband’s phone in the pool and ruined it.   Yesterday, I followed him to work to make sure he went straight there.  When he called his uncle to wish him a happy birthday, I actually picked up the phone to make sure he wasn’t talking to the other woman.  Last night, he was trying to answer a question that I had asked him, and I interrupted him and told him to shut up – that I didn’t want to hear one more lie out of his mouth.  I am appalled at my behavior.  And in the middle of it, I am thinking to myself that I must stop.  But I can’t seem to.  Because my husband’s reactions make me even more angry.  What can I do to get control over my emotions and behavior?  I don’t want to act like my  mother or his mother.  I am better than that.”

I understand what you are going through.  I consider myself controlled also, but I went through the same thing.  There were days when I felt like a raging lunatic.  I even caught myself lashing out at my kids in a way that I never had before.  And that is when I got serious about finding a different outlet.  Because I knew that I couldn’t allow my behavior to punish them for something that was hard enough to begin with and most certainly not their fault.

It’s Hard To Control The Thoughts.  But You Can Learn To Control The Behaviors: I learned that it was more difficult to control my thoughts than it was to control the behaviors.  It was nearly impossible for me to keep the nasty thoughts from popping into my head.  But with practice, I could learn to stop before I engaged in the behavior that followed the thoughts – if that makes any sense.

A couple of things that helped me was to tell myself that I was going to write what I was going to say / yell into my journal instead of letting it fly out of my mouth.  I wrote those nasty words – quite fast, in big sloppy writing, and as though my pen was a sword. So instead, of following my husband out to his car and yelling at him as he was pulling away to go to work (like I was tempted to do,) I would stop myself, grab my computer and journal all the nasty things I wanted to say.  I took to keeping a computerized journal because of the password protection.  I didn’t want anyone getting ahold of a paper journal and reading it.  This allowed me the luxury of just letting it all hang out and not censoring myself.  These things needed to come out – but not in ways that were going to make the situation worse for myself or my kids.  I also learned to physically walk away if my journal wasn’t accessible.

Finally, I would encourage you to cut yourself some slack. It is normal to feel a little out of control.  You did not ask for this situation.  It is more shocking, upsetting, and life-altering than nearly anything.  It turns your world upside down. And when your world is askew like this over something you didn’t do, that can magnify your feelings of a loss of control which in return brings on that “out of control,” crazy feeling that so many of us experience.

If you can find ways to take back control by releasing those feelings via journaling, sharing with a trusted friend, or counseling, you may find that the feelings are more manageable and not nearly as frequent. And while I think it’s important to take responsibility for controlling the feelings, I don’t think it’s your fault that you are having them in the first place.  You’re simply reacting to something you never asked for and that isn’t your fault.  But it will say a lot about your character if you are able to channel these feelings in more constructive ways.  That’s an important skill to develop in many aspects of your life.

I am not proud of how I acted initially after the affair.  Frankly, I shocked myself and others. But I am proud of how I was able to eventually regain control, retain our family and pick up the pieces eventually. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When our spouse makes a very big mistake, we often have the expectation that he will apologize profusely for that mistake, explain what lead up to it, and do everything in his power to assure us that it will never happen again. This is particularly true if the mistake was a life-changing one – like cheating or an affair, for example. Most people have the expectation that their spouse will pull out all of the stops. And when this doesn’t happen, there can be a lot of anger and confusion.

A faithful wife might explain: “my husband has always known how I feel about cheating. My father cheated on my mother. And as soon as he did, I cut him out of my life and out of my children’s lives. I am very open and clear about my feelings on that topic. Last fall, I had a significant amount of stress with my job. My company was down-sizing so I was working two jobs and then some to ensure that the company didn’t pick me to let go. I was very open about this with my husband. He understood why I had to work so much and he encouraged me to do so because obviously, losing my job would have affected both of us. Well, about six months after that, my husband got transferred. His new job is actually closer to home, which is a good thing, but it pays much less. He really didn’t have a choice about it. We’ve been getting by just fine and just as I was thinking how proud I was that we worked through this together, but then I saw a text on my husband’s phone that made it clear he had been cheating. He was outside working on the car. And when he came inside, I held up his phone and confronted him. I fully expected him to out and out grovel. Knowing how much I hate cheaters, I would have thought he would have been reacting with fear that I would leave him. I can’t imagine he wants to break up, since neither of us could make it without the other’s income. However, he did not grovel. He simply said that he was sorry that he did this and that maybe in time we can try to work it out. But then he said he had his reasons and that he was not a bad person and that he wasn’t going to let me vilify him like I have vilified my father. He said he was going to apologize once and then he expected that to be the end of it. Well, it’s not the end of it for me. And how dare he act like he gets to call the shots. Shouldn’t he be groveling right now?”

I agree with you. He is the one who made this awful mistake. He made this choice. So he should stand up and take responsibility for it. However, in his mind, he may believe that he has already done that. And he may be trying to set the tone because he is afraid of you berating and criticizing him in the foreseeable future. He’s hoping that by acting cold and matter-of-fact about this, he will communicate to you that he doesn’t plan to react well if you treat him like your father. So, in a sense, he’s trying to avoid the behavior that he does not want to deal with.

You may think that it is not his right to dictate your reaction like this and you would have a fair argument. But I have to tell you that many men will cite a controlling and overbearing wife as the reason that they cheated. So I think it’s important to be careful to not allow yourself to be characterized that way. You don’t want to feed right into his strategy.

Instead, you want for him to feel and express genuine remorse. Otherwise, you will just feel anger and resentment toward him, which certainly doesn’t get you anywhere. So you may want to address this before it gets any worse.

You might try: “well, that doesn’t sound like too much of an apology to me. There is no genuine feeling in that. Instead, I hear a bit of warning that I am to keep discussions about this affair short and sweet. I hear a warning that I am allowed to bring it up only once and very briefly. That is not going to work for me. I don’t plan to repeatedly berate you about this. But we are going to need to discuss it much more than once. I need a lot of information from you and if we are even going to entertain recovery, we are going to have to have some lengthy conversations. The stance that you have chosen almost leads me to believe that you aren’t up for this. I hope that you are just on the defensive right now. Because we don’t appear to be off to a great start. I’d ask you to start being real and to stop posturing. That isn’t going to get us anywhere.”

See if this makes some difference. He may have just needed you to clarify that his strategy of shutting you down before you can criticize him just isn’t going to work. He can’t realistically expect for you to be fine with a quick apology and then a closing down of all future discussions. If you want to fix things after an affair, there is a lot of talking and communication in your future. If he’s trying to shut that down immediately, that’s not a good sign.

But most likely, he is posturing and trying to set the tone. He doesn’t want for you to treat him the way that you treated your father, so he’s trying to protect himself from that in the future.

I certainly had to shut my own husband down when he tried to diminish my reaction and down-play the affair.  He got the message pretty quickly. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  One would think that husbands who were caught cheating would already know that the jig is up.  You already know the worst of it – that he has been unfaithful to you and that this may mean that your marriage is in serious trouble.  So, what is the point of being so secretive after this comes out?  What can be worse than cheating?  And why add fuel to the fire by not coming clean about everything?

A wife may have this unfortunate scenario to deal with: “my husband admitted to cheating before I caught him.  I had some vague suspicions, but I do not even know if I would have followed up on them.  I was sort of telling myself that I was overreacting and being paranoid.  So I am not sure what might have happened if he hadn’t admitted to it.  So far, what he has told me is that he had a three-and-a-half-week affair with a woman from his work.  He said there were basically three encounters and that is it. Needless to say, I really want more information than this.  These basic details just do not cut it.  I try to ask him how old she is, what she looked like, what started the affair, etc.  But he will shut me down and tell me that all of this doesn’t matter because it was over and it wasn’t anything meaningful to begin with. This isn’t good enough for me.  But no matter what I say, he won’t budge.  So I started digging around on my own.  And I found proof that the affair was going on for longer than 3-and-a-half weeks.  That makes me wonder what else he might have been lying about.  Why would a man confess to cheating but then lie when it comes to the details?  Because at this point, the cat is already out of the bag.”

Why He May Have Confessed: There are many potential reasons and I will try to list some of them here.  First of all, let’s talk about why he may have confessed when he didn’t appear to need to.  Sometimes, the other person in the affair is threatening to tell.  Sometimes, he believes that you know or suspect more than you do.  Or, it may be as straightforward as the fact that he feels guilty and he wants to do the right thing.  And sometimes when people are cheating, all of a sudden it hits them that they have put their marriage at risk and they feel deep regret about this.  They suddenly want to save their marriages.  And they know that in order to do that, they have to have enough respect and care for you to be truthful. So confessing is the first step toward that.

Why He May Not Be As Forthcoming With The Details: As to why he may be lying about some of the details, I think that the most likely reason for this (and one that happens very regularly) is that he doesn’t want to hurt you or trouble you more than he already has.  He’s going to make the affair seem as short, as meaningless, and as casual as he possibly can.  In short, he’s going to downplay it as much as is feasible because he thinks that it is going to hurt you less and make things easier for him.

Now, we both know that he is technically lying.  But often, husbands do not see it that way.  In their minds, they honestly believe that they are protecting you from getting hurt. So you have to decide how important you find each piece of information.  I do believe that you need the information in order to piece together what has truly happened and why.  But sometimes, we become obsessed with wanting to know EVERYTHING and all this does is feed our obsession and slows our healing.

If you are going to counseling, your counselor will likely lead your husband to disclosing vital information.  If not, then it helps to define what you most want to know and then firmly asking him for this information.  You might say: “I know that you are trying to keep from hurting me, but I need to know more than just the basics. I can’t heal if I don’t know exactly what I am dealing with.  It’s not fair to keep me in the dark but expect me to move on.  I am not asking for every detail.  But I need to know more than just a shell of the whole story.  So that it’s not too overwhelming, we can deal with a little at a time.  Why don’t we start with the true duration.  Because I know that it was longer with three-and-a-half weeks.  Let’s start by telling the truth about when it actually started and when it actually ended.

Then listen to what he has to say.  He may balk or try to stall.  If he does, tell him that he is only delaying your healing.  Having a counselor on your side can help or even showing him self-help that discusses how much you need to know so that he can see that this isn’t just coming from you – it is coming from the experts who are trying to help you both through this.

My husband tried to keep some things close to the vest to ‘protect’ me.  But I made it clear that this did not work for me.  He eventually saw that this wasn’t helping his cause.  There’s more to the story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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