Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  It’s considered normal when your spouse has an affair and afterward you become extremely observant of your spouse’s comings and goings.  It’s understandable to want to know what he’s doing and who he is with.

Even if you would not normally be this suspicious, vigilance can feel necessary because no one wants to find their spouse cheating a second time.  What can be less expected is when the cheating spouse becomes super vigilant of the faithful spouse.  You then have a situation where the cheating spouse becomes possessive and suspicious of someone who HASN’T cheated and in fact is the victim in the matter.

A wife might say: “about three months ago, I found out that my husband had been cheating on me.  For a few weeks, I stayed in an apartment that my boss has by our office.  I honestly did not know if I would stay married.  Recently though, I have decided to move back in to see if it was remotely possible to pick up the pieces.  My husband has never done anything like this before.  He is a good man.  And he seems desperately remorseful. We have had some good talks and for a while there, I was feeling a bit hopeful.  The problem is that my husband – who isn’t the jealous type at all – has suddenly become possessive of me.  He acts like my boss is trying to pursue me, which is completely untrue.  And if a man so much as looks at me in passing, my husband gets very weird and jealous.  Why is he acting like this?  It’s annoying and it’s not very attractive.  I did nothing wrong.  What gives him the right to be so possessive?”

Understanding How His Fears Lead To Possessiveness: In truth, he really doesn’t have the right to be so possessive, at least in my opinion.  But this is a very common behavior. And it is motivated by fear.  He’s likely afraid that you will retaliate or that you will lose interest in him.  He’s afraid that you will cheat to get back at him.  He’s afraid that you’re not really thrilled with him right now and that you question your marriage.  Therefore, by his reasoning, you might be more susceptible to having your own affair.  Or you may look around and decide that you would be better off without him.

He’s likely afraid that he would not compare favorably to another man.  What if a kind man at work started showing you attention?  Your husband might fear that you might be tempted since your spouse has betrayed you.  So he figures if he can keep a close eye on you, he can lessen the chance of this happening.

I’m not defending him.  His behavior is destructive.  But I want you to understand his thought process.  It is not that he thinks that you aren’t trustworthy.  It’s that he is afraid that his mistake is going to have consequences.  Frankly, he fears losing you.  So he is holding on as tightly as he possibly can.

A Suggestion: Of course, that doesn’t mean that you just have to accept it.  You can certainly have a conversation about this.  It would be understandable to get angry and defensive and to demand that he back off.  But I think a more calm approach might have better results.

I’d try something like: “I can’t help but notice that you are constantly checking up on me and acting overly possessive.  I do not understand this behavior.  I have never cheated on you, nor do I intend to.  No matter how angry I get at you, cheating would not be my solution.  Cheating is what got us in this mess to begin with. I know that you might be worried about retaliation.  But this possessiveness is not the way to keep that from happening.  Your keeping tabs on me like this only frustrates me and damages our marriage.  I have never given you a reason not to trust me.  I don’t intend to start.  Your suspicions are misplaced.  Please stop being so possessive.  It is doing more harm than good.  Being possessive is not going to stop me from making my own decisions.  It’s not going to change my feelings.  If anything, it is more likely to contribute to negative feelings over positive ones.  The more effective way to help our situation would be to communicate and to start healing.  Can we agree on that?”

Hopefully, he will readily agree, but know that you may have to remind him again later.  Sometimes when we are operating based on fear, we simply act out of emotion without taking the time to think.  So while he might intellectually realize that being possessive is wrong and silly, he may resort back to doing it when he becomes fearful that you will leave him or retaliate.  That doesn’t mean that you have to accept it.  But you might have to remind him if you see him doing it again.

I know that realizing that this behavior is fear – based doesn’t make it acceptable.  It isn’t.  But sometimes if you can understand why he is acting a certain way, you can more effectively stop it.  And once he sees that it is hurting and not helping, he may be more mindful of his behaviors.  If you’re in counseling, I would definitely mention this so that the counselor can drive the point home.

Possessiveness is one of those things a cheating spouse will do when he’s desperately afraid that he has gone too far.  But there are times when you can’t let these behaviors continue without saying anything because it just makes the situation worse.  Sometimes conversations like this one can actually lead to a dialog that releases both spouses feelings and fears. And this is actually helpful, at least it was in my case.  There’s more about this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s very normal to scrutinize your appearance after your spouse cheats or has an affair.  We wonder if we are not pretty enough, thin enough, alluring enough, or playful enough.  We wonder if the other woman looks better than we do and, as a result, we can be very hard on ourselves.

Worse, in the days after the affair, we often just don’t have the energy to worry about or focus on our appearance.  We barely have the energy to function, much less worry about things that are non-essential.  And so, we can “let ourselves go” a little at a time when we are overly conscious of the way that we look.

A wife might lament: “I found out that my husband had been cheating on me about four months ago.  I asked him to leave.  I did not want to see him.  Lately, we have been talking but not living together.  And this time period has been very lonely and difficult for me.  I often walk my dogs in the morning and just think about things.  Because I don’t want to go to an empty house, I usually stop at a coffee shop and grab a coffee and danish.  I also haven’t made it to the gym in a while because I just do not feel like being around people.  As a result, I’ve put on a noticeable amount of weight.  This makes me feel even worse about myself.  The other day, my husband came over unannounced.  I answered the door in no make up and ratty clothing.  My husband made small talk with me, but then left shortly afterward.  His facial expressions made it pretty clear to me that he was shocked by my appearance.  And now this whole thing makes me feel as if I have taken a huge step back. As if it isn’t bad enough that my husband has cheated on me, now I feel like a fat pig with nothing to offer.”

I want to suggest that you be more gentle with yourself.  As anyone who has had a husband cheat well knows, this is pain unlike any other.  This is not a time where you are expected to be at your best.  And struggling is absolutely understandable.  More than any other time, it is important to be supportive of yourself. Calling yourself a fat pig is not in alignment with this and it is probably not accurate either.

It is also very normal to go on a search for flaws in our appearance and our personality in the hopes that this will tell us everything that we need to know about why our husband cheated on us.  Here is what you need to understand about that.  The answers don’t lie within us.  They lie within him.  And nothing in our appearance or personality may have lead to this at all.  Men with beautiful, sweet, and supportive wives cheat.  And this has nothing to do with the wife.

So if you are looking for a reason, look at him. Not at you.  Now, if improving your appearance will make you feel better, than I encourage you to do it.  Getting more fit was actually very empowering to me during my recovery.  And I have maintained this change in lifestyle because after the boost in my self confidence, I just noticed a huge benefit in stress reduction and a general sense of well being.  I feel much worse physically and mentally if I do not work out.  I want to keep those benefits going and this doesn’t have much to do with my marriage, but it has a lot to do with me.

And it doesn’t have to be huge changes or efforts that you make at first. You don’t have to take on anything that feels overwhelming.  Maybe you just have coffee with skim milk and you skip the danish.  Maybe you power walk home from the coffee shop or you extend your walk by a little.  I found Yoga and Pilates extremely comforting during my recovery.  During that time, I tended to hold so much stress in my shoulders.  And I found myself literally stooping and slouching.  Yoga and Pilates fixed this problem and strengthened my core so that I had a flat belly for the first time in many years and the stress reduction benefits were enormous.  This made a huge difference in how I looked and felt. And I never felt that I was exhausting myself or punishing myself.  It felt like a treat for my body, actually. Learning how to lean into my breath and breathe into my pain just released so much tension and let my body relax at a time when it drastically needed this.

But if you are going to make any changes or improvements, do it for you – and for your own self esteem.  Do it out of love for yourself, but not out of a desire to change yourself because you think that you are not good enough or quite up to snuff.  Because you absolutely are.  If you think you could use some improvement in your fitness level, by all means pursue that because there are benefits to this other than just the way you look.  But do not beat yourself up or tear yourself down. None of this is your fault.

I always encourage people to do whatever they need to do to feel their best.  But make sure that it is for you only – not for anyone else.  Because if it is for someone else, it will not feel like it should.  But if it is for you, it will feel like delicious freedom and wonderful self care.  If it helps, you can read more about own experience on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  There is a real perception that people who have an affair want to eventually end up together.  If both people in the affair are married, there’s an assumption that one day, they will leave their perspective spouses so that they will end up married themselves.

This is not always the case though.  Many people are clear that they will NEVER leave their spouse. For whatever reason, the affair meets some need for them and their marriage also meets a need.  There is a great deal of curiosity about how this arrangement makes each participant feel.

For example, a wife might say: “I was devastated when I found out about my husband’s affair.  I automatically assumed that they would end up married and myself and the other woman’s husband would end up alone.  So I very foolishly called her.  I was going to beg her to break things off and not to have a serious relationship with my husband.  She laughed and assured me that she had NO intention of being serious with my husband.  She told me that she loved her own husband and would never leave him.  When I told my husband this, he just shrugged.  He said that he didn’t plan to leave me either.  He said that the affair was just a distraction and that it did not mean a thing to him, as he is sure that it did not mean anything to her.  I asked him whether he felt used.  Because if I had been in this situation, I would certainly feel used. I would feel like the other person was only using me for sex and then throwing me away.  But my husband swears that he doesn’t feel this way.  Is he lying because he is embarrassed?”

 Guessing How He Feels: It’s possible that he is embarrassed.  But quite honestly, I hear from a lot of folks who are having an affair and many of them are quite clear on the fact that they truly don’t want anything lasting or emotional from the relationship.  As the other woman said, sometimes the person cheating thinks that the affair meets a fleeting need outside of their marriage.  And they honestly try to keep their marriage and the affair completely separate.  They often assume that the affair will shortly end and their life / marriage doesn’t need to change.  Many like this arrangement because they do not want to become emotionally involved.

From all I have read and heard, it’s very possible for an affair to have no emotional expectations. I think that your husband would probably feel used IF he expected something emotionally or long-term from the other woman.  In other words, if he had fantasies of her leaving her husband to be with him, then yes, he may feel used if he later found out she never intended for that to happen.

But, if your husband never wanted a long term relationship himself or if the other woman encouraged him to have NO expectations, then I think he would be less likely to feel used.   Because both people were clear on their expectations.

Why You’re Trying To Gauge His Feelings: I think it’s possible that you want to know how your husband feels because you want to know just how invested he was in this relationship.  You may sort of buy that the other woman truly didn’t want anything from him, but you may be less sure as to whether he wanted anything from her.

Honestly, the only real way to know this is with time.  Because he can tell you that he wants nothing or doesn’t feel used, while pining for her or trying to continue to contact her.  But if what he is saying is true, then you should see behaviors that back this up.  You should see him coming straight home, being invested in your recovery, and not contacting or interacting with her in any way.

If he’s showing all of the signs that he’s putting his time and energy in you and in your marriage, then that’s a pretty good indicator that he truly has no interest in pursuing the relationship anymore because he wasn’t looking for anything lasting.

Of course, this is just the first step.  In order to truly have confidence that he won’t cheat again, you need to understand what need he was trying to meet and then fix the void.

But that’s getting ahead of ourselves.  Right now, his actions are truly a better indicator of his intentions than what he claims or says he feels or doesn’t feel.  People caught cheating can and do use all sorts of words and phrases in the aftermath.  But it is their actions that are truly telling.

If he felt used, you might see him getting angry at her or trying to continuously reach out to her.  If you are not seeing these signs, then I think it’s better to place you attention on yourself and your own marriage and to get her out of your life.  By talking to her and wondering about her, you’re giving her power over you.  And believe me, it feels much better once you take your power back.  At least this was my experience.  You can read more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many of the questions that I get from wives who have been cheated on pertain to sex.  People worry that their sex life wasn’t “normal” either before or after the affair.  They are often looking for reassurance that their feelings, or their experience, is valid.

An example is the couple whose marriage has just been severely altered because the husband has cheated.  Quite understandably, the wife will often want to pause their sex life while she tries to figure out how she wants to proceed.  Sometimes, the husband is not happy with this arrangement and he will try to make her feel as if she is wrong to even suggest it.

Here’s what I mean.  A wife might say: “I kicked my husband out of our bedroom after I caught him cheating.  It was hard for me to even look at him, much less to have him sleeping next to me or even thinking that we might have sex.  I don’t want him even touching me, much less putting any sexual moves on me. I did not tell him to leave our home because of our children.  And also because I want to reserve the right to take my time in deciding what I really want. I don’t feel that this is too much to ask.  In fact, one of my best friends went through this and she said that she and her husband didn’t share a bed until about six months post-affair.  But my husband acts as if I am being unreasonable.  He says that he too has friends who have dealt with infidelity and that his male friends are telling him that they still shared a bedroom after the affair.  He admits that not all of them were having sex right away, but he insists that the men were not kicked out of their bedrooms. Who is right?”

I believe that both people can be right.  But it doesn’t really matter what other couples decide to do.  What matters is what works for YOU.  The arrangement that couples have as far as their bedroom goes varies greatly. One couple may be comfortable still being in the same room while the another may not be.  I don’t think that you need to feel bad if you want to sleep in separate bedrooms for a while.

I did this also and I felt that it was a better compromise than having my husband leave our home permanently.  I just couldn’t deal with the close proximity of sharing a bedroom when I was so angry and hurt. He respected this because I believe he realized that the situation was his fault and he understood why I wouldn’t want to share a bed with him at that time.

I did not want to feel pressured about having sex.  I needed time on my own.  I wanted private, quiet nights where I could just be alone with my thoughts and not constantly be questioned.  We did interact during the early days for the sake of our family.  But at night, we went our separate ways, although sometimes I asked him to talk or watch TV with me, but we did that in the living room, not the bedroom.

This went on for a little while as we were attempting to work through the issues and heal.  But it did not go on forever.  I will admit that we started resuming sex a little while before my husband officially moved back into our bedroom.  I suppose we wanted to test the waters and move gradually.  I didn’t stress too much about that.  I just used how I was feeling as a guide.  As I felt more close to my husband again and we began to restore the trust, I started to feel more desire toward him and so our sex life and sharing a bedroom naturally resumed.

But I did not allow myself to feel pressured about this.  And it would have been impossible for me to feel that desire in the early days.  I was too angry and hurt and therefore, my emotions were shut down.  Every one is different, but in order for me to feel physical desire, I have to feel an emotional connection.  And that wasn’t possible when the affair was still fresh.

I think that another consideration here is that not every one is going to be honest about their bedroom habits.  And that is fine because frankly, it is no one else’s business. But it is possible that your husband’s friends who claim that they never left their bedroom aren’t being completely truthful.  They may not want to appear like they weren’t in control of their own marriage so they aren’t admitting that they spent some time outside of their own bedroom.  Again, it is their business.  But I don’t want for you to just blindly believe this and feel that there is something wrong with you because you didn’t make the same choice.

I firmly believe that you have every right to decide what works for you.  If it doesn’t feel right to share a bedroom right now, I don’t see any benefit in forcing yourself to do so.  If you think it would help to talk about this, a suggestion might be something like: “I hear what you are saying.  But it doesn’t matter to me what our friends have done.  Because this is about us and what is right for our situation.  Right now, I just want some time to myself.  I am not saying that it will always be this way. But for now, I feel like I want to be alone at night.  I am asking you to respect that.”

I think that one reason husbands push to stay in their bedroom is not necessarily because of sex.  It is because they are afraid if that if they leave it even for a little while, they may never be invited back in your bedroom.  This often turns out to be untrue. And sometimes it helps if you tell them that as you begin to heal, you may change your mind about this eventually.

There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Sometimes, I hear from wives who are dealing with husbands doing their best to minimize an affair.  The husband will usually tell the wife that this has very little to do with her.  He will tell her that a man’s needs and a man’s duties as husband are often at odds with one another.  Some will go so far as to tell a wife that she “should not take this personally.”

Needless to say, this is very confusing.  Not take it personally?  How is that possible?  And how dare he suggest this?  A wife might say: “I am struggling right now even though it has been four months after my husband’s affair.  My husband and I have had countless conversations about the motivations for his affair. I have asked him to be brutally honest with me.  I have even been open to taking responsibility for any contributions that I may have made.  But my husband insists that I am not to blame in any way.  He will only say that I can’t possibly understand the urges that men have, which have nothing whatsoever to do with love or marriage.  He says that he will never love another woman in the way that he loves me.  He says that he has no desire to be married to anyone else. He says that the affair is not at all about anything that I did or did not do.  He says that it has nothing to do with a lack of attraction to me because he insists that he is very attracted to me.  His bottom line is to repeat that I should not take this personally because it has nothing to do with me.  And I just do not understand this. How can I not take it personally? It affects every area of my life.  He cheated on ME.  He rejected ME.  So how am I supposed to step back and pretend that this is just something outside of our marriage that I should not concern myself with?”

I have to say that I agree with you.  As a wife who has been there, it’s my experience that it nearly impossible not to personalize this. However, I can tell you with absolutely certainty that many men will make the exact same claims that your husband is making right now.  Many men say the exact same thing – that the affair has very little to do with their wives and that it has nothing to do with their love for their wife – which has not changed.

From having these conversations, here is what I think that he may be trying to tell you. He may be trying to let you know that none of this is your fault.  He may be trying to free you from any culpability.  He knows that he is the one who took action.  He knows that he is the one who made a mistake.  He knows that you were a good spouse to him who more than fulfilled your part of the bargain.  He knows that it is him who fell short.  So he is trying to make you understand that you should not blame yourself.  I don’t think that he believes that you can step away from the affair and not personalize it, as that would be impossible.  But in his own confusing way, he’s trying to free you from a thought process where you will blame yourself.

I know that you might be thinking that this is all fine and good, but you are getting tired of hearing him say this.  Well, know that you can always tell him what you are feeling and try to open the door to a new path of communication.

You might try: “listen, I hear what you are saying.  And I suspect you are trying to get me not to blame myself. But I have to tell you that your insisting that I don’t take this personally is just not feasible.  This is my marriage and my life that we are talking about.  My marriage is very personal to me.  Knowing that you broke our vows feels extremely personal.  I get that you are trying to communicate that your actions have nothing to do with me, but regardless, it affects me.  You can’t just make this claim and think that I am no longer going to be devastated, regardless of your motivations.  You can’t just say these things and expect that we can just move on.  We are going to need a lot of help and a lot of work to move on.  Because I do take this personally and this is something that we are going to have to work on. Regardless of what motivated you, we are both going to need to understand your thought process so that we can change it.  Because I never want to go through this again.  The bottom line is that you can say what you want, but I am going to take it personally because it is my marriage.  And I hope that you don’t take my reaction personally.  Can you understand that?”

Hopefully, this conversation will at least help him to understand your point of view.  It is reassuring that he doesn’t want for you to blame yourself.  But he has to understand that regardless, there is much healing to do.

To his credit, my husband did not want for me to blame myself.  And frankly, I didn’t.  Was I a perfect wife? Absolutely not.  We had our issues and we have worked through them.  But it was he who made the decision to cheat and it was he who had to take the lead toward our healing.  I was willing to do the work and make changes, but I expected him to take the initiative. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Things can feel very heightened and immediate when you find out about your spouse’s affair.  Because this is so painful, it’s normal to want a quick resolution.  You don’t want to feel this bad forever, so you can feel a little bit of pressure to make a swift decision in order to begin healing.  And yet, making this decision isn’t as easy as some believe.  Many of us change our minds, wonder if we are reacting off of emotion, and worry that whatever decision we make is going to be wrong.

A wife might say: “as soon as I found out my husband has been having an affair, the first words out of his mouth were: ‘you can’t leave me.  You can’t take my family away from me.’  And my first thought and reaction was: ‘you’d better believe that I can leave you.  If you didn’t want me to leave, you should have thought about that before you cheated.’  I had always thought that the first sign of infidelity meant that I was going to be out the door.  I never thought I was going to be the woman who stood by a cheater.  I thought I was going to be like Sandra Bullock with Jesse James.  I wasn’t even going to think about it.  I was just going to get rid of the cheater immediately.  But now that I am in this situation, I realize now that it is not as cut and dry as all that.  I have my kids to think about.  But when this thought comes to my head, I immediately counter this thought with the knowledge that my husband wasn’t thinking about our kids all that much when he was sleeping with someone else.  Some days I will think that we can get through this if we try.  And other days, I will think that I do not want to get through this.  I don’t want to save a marriage to a cheater.  But then the next day I am on the verge of changing my mind again.  My husband is constantly asking me what I have decided in regards to our marriage.  And I never know what I should tell him because I haven’t really come to a decision because I am always changing my mind. What is wrong with me?”

What You’re Feeling Is So Normal And Understandable: Absolutely nothing is wrong with you.  I changed my mind constantly also.  I believe that many people do.  If you weren’t, that would mean that you possibly weren’t taking an honest and accurate look at the circumstances.  It would be very naive to think that you could just block out your doubts.  Some days you will naturally think that you can over come these doubts.  But the next day, they might be back and they have brought anger also.  It is a lot to deal with.  And all of the swirling information and emotions causes uncertainty, which is completely understandable.

Removing Some Of The Pressure: It doesn’t help matters that your husband is always asking you what you have decided.  This makes you feel pressure at a time when pressure is the last thing that you need.  So you might try a response like this: “the only decision that I have made is that I am not going to rush to make a decision.  There are a lot of considerations here and there is a lot at stake. Plus, my feelings are constantly changing.  I need to take some time to have confidence that my feelings and perceptions are more stable.  And I need time to process this. I know that you feel as if you are in limbo.  And I know you want me to make a decision so you know what the future holds.  But I just can’t make a sound decision right now.  I am going to need to take a wait and see approach.  I know that is hard for you, but it is necessary for me.”

Your husband may not like this answer, but he should understand it.  Because it was his actions that made all of this necessary.  I am sure that my husband would have loved it if I would have told him immediately that we could try to make it work.  But there was no way I could say that with any sincerity.  I did not know what I wanted.  And I didn’t know if counseling was going to help us or even how I would feel if it did.  And I knew that I was going to need time to watch his behaviors in order to evaluate if I could one day trust him again.  So I told my husband that there wouldn’t be any quick decisions and that I was going to wait and see how our rehabilitation work went.  He knew that I could change my mind at any time and I am sure this wasn’t fun for him.  But it certainly wasn’t fun for me either.   Recovery takes a lot of time.  And you can’t really be sure that you’ve made the right decision until you’ve had time to evaluate your recovery efforts.

There were days when I just wanted to make any decision and stick with it.  But I knew that if I did, I would always have to deal with the doubts that came with this rushed decision.  It wasn’t always easy to just wait and see.  It was a harder path to watch and evaluate.  But I’m glad I did that.  Because I have full confidence that I ultimately made the right decision.  You can read more about the outcome on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Sometimes, when we are having yet another conversation with our husband about his affair, what we are really looking for is reassurance.  We don’t always come right out and ask for this reassurance though. Instead, we ask more questions about the affair, hoping that our husband’s answers are going to indicate that he really wants to be with us and that he doesn’t think about or want the other woman anymore.

Sometimes, he intends to give reassuring responses, but he ends up doing just the opposite.  Here’s an example.  You might be having the same old conversation about restoring the trust.  You may have noticed your husband was just a little late returning home and so you feel paranoid and worried.  You ask him about this and he tells you that traffic was particularly bad.   He becomes a little annoyed and asks if you are always going to worry about every little thing.  You tell him that you are just always wondering if he’s continuing to talk to the other woman.  He responds that if he wanted to see her, he would.  Understandably, this makes you feel even worse instead of being reassured.

A wife might say: “my husband said I should stop worrying about the other woman.  He says the affair is completely over and that if he wanted to be with her, he would.  He said he wouldn’t go behind my back, he would just tell me that he wanted to be with her.  But since that hasn’t happened, I shouldn’t worry so much.  I do not know how to take this.  Is he putting me on warning that she will take him back, so I had better watch my step?  This statement seems very arrogant to me.”

What He Could Possibly Mean By This: I don’t know your husband, so it is hard for me to speculate.  But I think that perhaps this was his attempt to reassure you and unfortunately, his words came out wrong.  He is probably trying to say that if he wanted to pick back up the affair, he would not need to participate in trickery and an elaborate plan to carry it out.  He’s could be telling you what you’re seeing doesn’t mean that he is cheating again and that you don’t have to examine everything so closely.  Yes, he could have said this more clearly and used a little more tact.  But I’m not sure that his inability to say what he really means was meant to put you on edge or to show his arrogance.

We all know that many times, women are better able to choose their words more carefully than men.  Because in your husband’s place, I would have said something like: “honey, I promise you, it was only bad traffic.  You don’t have to worry.  I told you that the affair was over and it is over.  Next time, I will call you from the car so that you don’t worry.  Would that be OK?”

Of course, it is easy for me to say this because I am a woman who has been through infidelity.  So I know EXACTLY what a wife in this situation would want to hear.  As a woman myself, it is easier for me.

A Suggested Conversation To Clear The Air: Your husband doesn’t have the advantage of knowing how women think. He’s a man and he probably doesn’t have the same thought process as you do. So, he may need help to articulate what you need so that this doesn’t get any worse.  You might try: “I know that you meant for that to be reassuring to me.  But somehow, that isn’t how I am taking it. I worry that your words mean that you know the other woman is still available to you.  I know that you probably meant that I don’t always need to read something into your being late, but unfortunately, that is not what I heard.  Maybe it would help if the next time you’re stuck in traffic, you give me a quick phone call telling me so? That way, I won’t worry and we aren’t as likely to have misunderstandings.  Can you do that?”

This conversation is better than suddenly accusing him of keeping the other woman on the back burner when this may not have been what he meant.  Sure, it makes sense to watch him closely.  But sometimes, we over analyze things after the affair because understandably, we are watching very closely.   It’s normal to do this, but you have to be careful that you aren’t accusing him of something that just isn’t true.  And you don’t want to come off as so paranoid that you are going to ensure that you are both miserable because of it.

If you have issue with (or questions about) what he has said, you have right to address it.   If something worries you, then you have every right to speak up so that your worries don’t fester.  But know that sometimes, the responses won’t be exactly what you are looking for and it’s common to see something that isn’t there.  That’s why it helps to calmly ask for clarification or to set it up so that next time, what you are getting is reassurance instead of confusion.

I used to pick apart everything that my husband said after his affair.  He could have been saying something totally innocent and I would flip it around.  It was a vicious cycle that I had to learn to break.  There’s more about this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from people who are absolutely shocked at the identity of the “other woman” in their husband’s affair. One reason for their shock is that they already know this woman.  Because she is the husband’s first wife.  And she is a woman that they never thought they would have to worry about ever again.  In fact, in some cases, the husband chose the current wife over the first one.  So there has already been a sense of victory as far as the first wife was concerned.  But that victory is completely in question once the affair with the ex has been discovered.

A wife might say: “I just can not understand why this is happening.  You can’t really say that I cheated with current my husband when he was married to his first wife.  From what I understand, they were already on the brink of separating when we met.  I do know that she tried very hard to get him to come back to her, but it failed.  Once we met, he was in love with me.  It always made me a little uncomfortable when they met up to talk about their kids.  But I didn’t want my husband to resent me if I got jealous when he was trying to be a good parent, so I tolerated this.  I didn’t worry too much about her.  I am younger and prettier.  My husband seemed very happy in our marriage. And now I find out that he has been cheating on me with her.  I don’t understand.  She is not all that attractive and if their marriage was so great, why did he divorce her?  Why would he cheat with his ex wife?”

Unfinished Business: This is more common than you might think.  I believe that there a number of reasons that people cheat with ex spouses.  But one of the most common reasons is that they have unfinished business with that person.  Many people get divorces before they attempt to explore both what is wrong and whether it can be fixed. At the first sign of trouble, they bail out without truly determining if the marriage may stand a chance.  This can be particularly true if there is an affair or another relationship.  Later, there is a temptation to pick up the relationship in the first marriage because it was never really resolved or there was never closure.  As I said, the unfinished business can leave people vulnerable to trying to pick it back up and see where it leads.

The Husband Isn’t Good At Being Faithful.  He Always Thinks That The Grass Is Greener Somewhere Else: Another reason that a man might cheat with his ex wife is that he has never learned how to be faithful.  He may have poor impulse control or he may not have learned how to remove himself from a situation where he is going to do something that he regrets.

And frankly, the first wife is usually close to him and is accessible.  They may find themselves together a lot and, when he has poor impulse control, she is available since they are so close.

Young Love With A History is Hard To Shake: The third reason that he may be cheating with his ex is that he still has a connection with his first wife that is hard to shake, especially if it was a long term marriage that began when he was young.  People sometimes have problems letting go of their first love.  After all, there is so much history and the ex spouse probably knows your husband very well. That is why it can be so tempting to pursue that relationship again when things get tough.  It is like putting on a comfortable robe or having a warm cup of tea.  It feels good because it feels so familiar.

Deciding How You Want To Proceed: The next thing to consider is where you want to go from here.  And the answer to that is probably going to depend on what you want and how willing your husband is to be rehabilitated.  Because he will need to be rehabilitated in order for you both to have confidence that this is not going to happen again.

Repeat cheaters can sometimes change.  But it takes a lot of continued work on their part.  They have to be incredibly motivated to admit their flaws and change them.  And you have to be willing to believe that he can change and that you want to allow him the chance.  I am not going to lie to you and tell you that this process is easy.  You are likely to doubt him and to struggle every time he sees his first wife, at least until healing is complete.

Since there are children, he will have to see her and communicate with her.  And that is going to be challenging for all involved.  I would highly recommend counseling in this situation because there are so many variables that need to be addressed.  And it’s not just a regular affair we are talking about.  It is an affair that is going to greatly affect a family.  When there are children and a family involved, extra care must be taken. You are right to worry that he will resent you if his being married to you affects his relationship with his children.  So you want to make sure he still has access to his kids while setting firm boundaries with his ex wife, assuming that you want to save your marriage and that he is committed to the same.

I know that this hurts.  But it is possible to heal a marriage after an affair.  Admittedly, I am my husband’s first and only wife. But I do believe that the healing process would be the same. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s very common for a cheating husband to justify the cheating by telling himself (or his spouse) that the cheating made him better or enhanced his life in some way.  This can be very hard for the faithful spouse to take because it can be obvious to them that these enhancements are all in his head.  One example of this is a husband who is claiming that the affair made him more “confident.”

A wife might say: “my husband is reluctant to end the affair and I am at a loss as to how to force this on him.  He is telling me that he thinks he still wants our marriage. But, at the same time, he admits that the affair made his life better.  He says that it gave him a confidence that he hasn’t had for years.  He said that before the affair he felt like an old man who wasn’t relevant or worthwhile anymore.  But the affair made him feel like he was still in the game and that he still had something to offer.  I am at a loss as to how to deal with this.  She wanted him because he has money, so I’m not sure this had anything to do with ‘still being in the game.’  It has to do with an opportunist setting her signs on him and nothing more.  But I am not dumb enough to tell him this because if I did, I know that this would just escalate his insecurities which is what got us here is the first place. But this whole things scares me.  Is he going to cheat on me every time he feels insecure about himself?  I’m aging too and there’s a lot that I don’t like about it.  But you don’t see me going out and cheating just to make myself feel better.”

I know that this must be frustrating.  And it’s very common for a man to cheat because it somehow makes him feel better about himself or about his life.  Frankly, many men do not admit this.  And many men don’t even see this dynamic at play.

So it’s encouraging that he has admitted this.  But the admission doesn’t fix it.  In order to fix it, he needs to do some self-work in order to obtain confidence separate from external confirmations that aren’t real anyway.  True confidence comes from inside.  It is not the result of what you have, or who you are with, or the sum of other people’s perceptions of you.  It is the result of knowing that you are a good person who contributes your unique gifts to the world.

Some people are able to make this realization on their own and others come to understand and accept this through counseling.  The fact that he not only sees this – but admits it – is an encouraging sign.  But he may need help with the next step, which is learning to stop looking for confidence outside of himself.

His reasoning is not at all uncommon.  I believe that most people who have affairs are doing so in order to feel better about their lives and themselves.  It often doesn’t have as much to do with their marriage or with their spouse as people tend the think.  Instead, it has everything to do with them and their own insecurities.  And this reasoning is, at least in my opinion, actually more fixable than other issues like sex addition or a lack of impulse control.

A lack of confidence being a common reason for an affair doesn’t necessarily make it a valid reasoning.  Although every one can understand wanting to feel like you are attractive, charming, and worthwhile, not all of us cheat.  Wanting self confidence is no reason to cheat on your spouse.  There are much healthier ways to develop confidence.

Healing from this will often will come down to your spouse’s commitment to the marriage and his willingness to see this through and to seek rehabilitation.  Not every man is willing to admit his shortcomings and then try to fix them.  So the fact that he has the self awareness to see this dynamic at play is very encouraging.  The next step would be for him to learn to cultivate confidence in the appropriate places.

Many of us struggle with our confidence when we go through the aging process because we are witnessing changes in our bodies and ourselves that are not always encouraging.  However, you can learn to look at these changes differently.  And frankly, although the affair can appear to offer some relief in the area of confidence, this is often only temporary.

When the affair is found out or the other woman gets a better offer and moves on, then the newfound confidence can take a huge hit.  He’ll not only feel like an older man, but he will feel like a silly older man who has been fooled and taken for a ride and who now has a marriage in jeopardy and a hurt and angry wife.

So while the lack of confidence excuse is common and fixable, it doesn’t give him a pass. But if he’s willing to get help to address it, then it’s my opinion that it’s treatable. My own husband definitely had struggles and stressors before he cheated.  This had to be dealt with, but it didn’t excuse his behavior or bypass the need for healing. You’re welcome to read about my own journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s very common for a person to chose one thing about their spouse’s affair that drives them particularly crazy or is the deal breaker above all others. For some, it is the fact that your spouse had sex with someone else. For others, it is the lack of character that this actshows. For many, it is the lies.

A wife might say: “If I am being honest, I can almost understand why my husband had an affair. I did not make time for him over this past year because I have been caring for my sibling. No one could help this situation. It was my obligation to do this and there was no one else. However, I probably could have handled this better and managed my time in a way that still left energy for my marriage. This is not to say that my husband was right to cheat on me. If I had been in his shoes, I may have been frustrated, but I would not have cheated. Still, I can almost see his thought process. But what I can not see, and will never understand and forgive, is the lying. My husband made up an entire phantom hobby just so he could get out of the house to see the other woman. I encouraged this because I thought that it was helping to alleviate the stress around our house. It makes me sick to think that I was actually feeling relief that he seemed to be coping better. When all along he was deceiving me. He set up a very elaborate ruse and that is really what bothers me – that he could lie so easily. I work at a job where I listen to liars all day and I have very little tolerance for this. My husband knows it. To me, people who lie are just losers. And here my husband is, the most efficient and skilled liar of them all. I am not sure that I can forgive these lies. Of course, now that my husband is caught, he is begging me to try to forgive him. I could almost forgive the affair, but not the lies. And yet, I feel compelled to try because of our kids. But I have my doubts that I will be successful. How do you ever forgive or deal with the lies?”

I am not sure that you have to resign yourself to the fact that you will have to forgive – especially so soon. Some people who are still married and who managed to save and even improve their marriages after an affair will tell you quite frankly that they have not forgiven their spouse completely. And although they will never forget it, they have chosen to move on.

The Real Problem With All Of The Lying: The big problem with the lie aspect of an affair is that it makes you a lie detective afterward – you are always on the look out for the next lie – even when your spouse is telling you the complete truth. This can create as many severe problems after the affair because no one can really relax. And every one is always guarded.  You keep waiting for the day when your life can go back to normal, but it really can’t feel normal when you are on your lie detection duty every day.

In this situation, I think the best course to take is to agree to complete transparency and honesty from today forward.  Your spouse needs to understand that complete honesty is required for you to even think of saving your marriage. Of course, your believing in this is going to take time. But if you can get your spouse to agree that you will both always tell each other the complete truth – no matter what – then you can begin to eventually have confidence that there will be no more lies.

Knowing The Price Of Truth: This takes time and there is a price to pay. Sometimes, the truth is painful. You have to accept that if you want to go with the “complete and full disclosure” policy, you can no longer ask your spouse a question to which you aren’t sure if you really want to know the answer. But some consider even small lies so heinous, they figure that this is a small price to pay.

Trying To Put The Lies In Context: Other than the “complete honesty strategy,” I can only suggest that you look at the lies as part of the affair. He may have seen lying as a way to spare you pain in a time in your life where you were under so much stress trying to deal with your sibling. This most certainly doesn’t make it right. But if you can almost understand the cheating, then maybe you can see the lying as going hand and hand with the cheating.  And then maybe it becomes a little more understandable.

Many people become quite different when carrying out cheating. They aren’t themselves. They compromise who they are because their struggles lead them to cheating in the first place. By no means is this an excuse, but it is true that honorable people do sometimes make the grave mistake of cheating for various reasons.

I think it helps to realize that we all make mistakes and then to make it clear that this is a mistake that you will not tolerate more than one time. Obviously, if you give your husband a chance and he continues to lie, then that is a separate issue. I’m not telling you that you should give him a pass. I’m just saying that if you decide that you’d like to give your marriage one more chance, you have to figure out a way of thinking of moving forward that allows you to reconcile the lies with your wish to maintain your marriage.

I admit that I was a lie detective for a while.  I think that, to an extent, this is unavoidable because you are trying to avoid getting hurt.  But being a lie detective is painful also because it keeps you stuck.  You’re welcome to read about my own journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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