Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: One of the biggest mysteries to wives after a husband’s affair is what was his thought process right before (or right as) he made the horrible, life changing decision to cheat.

Many wives will attempt to solve this mystery by asking their husbands directly about his thought process.  This often isn’t very satisfying though.  Because a husband is rarely completely honest.  And this isn’t always because he’s trying to cover himself or save both of you some pain.  It’s often because he has no idea why he would do this.  He can’t always isolate exactly what he was thinking or why he acted.

So, without getting the answers that she needs, the wife is left only to speculate.  And I find that many times, we wives fall back on old cliches combined with our worst fears.  Here is what many wives assume is their husband’s thought process.

Some Variation On ‘I Wasn’t Getting What I Needed At Home So I Am Going To Get It Somewhere Else’:  Many wives feel that they have no choice but to make the assumption that the affair is a direct reflection on her or on her marriage.  She will assume that her husband was no longer attracted to her.  Or that, if he was, he was more attracted to the other woman.

Or, she’ll assume that the other woman has become so special or unique to her husband, that his desire for her overcame his commitment to his family or his good sense.  They assume thought processes like: ‘wow, this other woman is younger and prettier than my wife.  She offers me something that I can’t and do not get at home.’

Or ‘my wife is cold and my marriage is sub par.  And now that I’ve found something better, who can blame me for taking advantage of it?’

And finally, ‘I feel strongly for this other woman.  And eventually, I’m going to leave my spouse for her.’

With all of these potential assumptions, it’s no wonder that many wives see the affair or the cheating as a rejection.  And it will hurt because it will change the way that she sees herself and her marriage.

What If He Wasn’t “Thinking” At All?: In reality though, the thoughts described above are so rarely what I hear and sense from husbands.  Frankly, I don’t think that many husbands have concrete, identifiable thoughts that cause them to act right before an affair.  Instead, I believe that for the most part, the first act of an affair is mostly done on impulse.  And truthfully, many husbands will tell you that they tried to quiet their thoughts instead of bringing them forth.  They quiet them to help alleviate the guilt.

Although I believe that conscious thoughts are somewhat rare, here is what I believe the thought process would most often be if there were indeed concrete thoughts.

“No One Will Find Out. It Will A One-Time Thing. And It Will Be A Band Aid.”  Many husbands do not cheat intending for it to change their marriage, despite what they tell the other woman.  They are often at a point in their lives where they are feeling unsure about themselves.  This is often a point where they feel as if they have lost something.  They may feel off of their game.  Older.  Tired.  Losing a step. And they often do not share this with their wives because is embarrassing.

So when an opportunity presents itself that might make them feel better, they often act on impulse.  And when there’s that moment between walking away or acting, they may tell themselves that it is a one-time thing that will lead to nothing.  Or, they assure themselves that they won’t allow it to change anything significant.

Of course, I am speaking in generalities based on the trends that I see.  Every person is unique and every situation is different.  I’m trying to offer reassurance that every affair does not involve a husband who was rejecting his wife.  Many of these same husbands fight very hard to save their marriage and get their wife back after the affair is discovered.  Even husbands who believe that they have fallen in love with the other woman sometimes make this realization eventually.

My point is, I think it’s a mistake to assume that a cheating husband doesn’t love or isn’t attracted to his wife.  This is often not the case.  It’s just that he doesn’t think that he will lose or hurt her because of this.  And he’s acting on impulse, not common sense or good judgment.

So my answer to the question to “what are men thinking when having an affair” is that often, men aren’t thinking at all.  And this is the problem.  Their thoughts only kick in AFTER they have already made the mistake and done the damage.

As a wife, it is up to you as to where you want to go from here.  Often, we are initially so angry that we can’t make this type of decision immediately.  And that is OK.  I took my sweet time.  But I eventually decided that I wanted to fight for my family and this was the right choice for me.  But everyone is different.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  There’s no question that it can feel as if your life has been altered if your spouse is unfaithful.  You feel like the world you knew no longer exists – if it ever did in the first place.  Things look different because you are seeing them through a different lens.  Things feel vastly different.  You feel different.  And because of this, you can act differently too.  People may notice.  You may try to get back to your old self or your old life and find it nearly impossible.  And this is when you can start to wonder if you’ll ever feel normal again.

A wife might say: “it has been six months since my husband’s affair.  Never would I have believed that I would still feel so awful after all of this time.  It is still so fresh.  I still feel so damaged and just different.  Things that used to be so automatic and used to come so easily to me are very hard.  Doing my job is a challenge.  Laughing with people is almost impossible.  I haven’t told anyone about my husband’s infidelity. So no one understands what is wrong with me.  Yesterday, I went out to dinner with my sister.  I was short tempered with the waitress and my sister said that I have changed.  She said that normally, I would have laughed off the waitresses’ mistake and enjoyed my meal anyway.  She is right about this.  I am miserable now.  I am short tempered. I have no concentration.  I am suspicious of everyone and I have lost my most basic faith in humanity.  I hate the way that this has changed me.  I feel like I will never get myself back.  Sometimes, I will wake up in the morning and I will tell myself that I am going to make a conscious effort to be present in the moment and enjoy life like I used to.  But this only lasts an hour or so and then I am struggling again.  What if I am never normal again? What if I remain a lessor person?”

I think we have all had these thoughts.  And I also think that you’re being a little hard on yourself.  I understand feeling like you’re not trying hard enough or that you are doing something wrong.  But none of the blame or short comings lie with you.  Understand that you are only reacting to something awful and you are grieving.  And people who grieve can not be expected to be completely themselves.

I know that I am going to sound overly dramatic here.  But when your spouse is unfaithful, it is almost like a metaphorical death happens.  Don’t misunderstand me.  No person died.  But in a sense, the marriage that you had before has died.  (This doesn’t mean that you can’t forge a new marriage.) In a sense, your innocence has died.  So you will have to process and grieve these losses.

Think about it this way.  If you had a friend who was grieving, would you become impatient with her, wonder what was wrong with her, and demand to know when she was finally going to get her act together? Would you think that she just needed to try harder or be more determined?

Of course you wouldn’t.  You’d understand that she has gone through something horrible and you would likely wonder what you could do to help her. Well, you can help her.  Because, in this instance, she is you.  And you can cut her some slack and know that she is doing the very best that she can, considering the circumstances.  And you can reassure her that one day, things are not going to feel so awful.  One day, she is going to be able to turn the corner.

I know that you might be wondering what you can do to speed up this process.  Probably the best thing that you can do is to give yourself permission to facilitate your healing.  If you need to go to counseling, then go.  If you need to improve yourself or your situation in some way, then give yourself permission to put yourself first.

I can tell you that it is doubtful that things will always be like this.  I remember the early days in my recovery and I felt just like this.  I worried that I would always be a shell of myself, always struggling with the memory of how things used to be.  Sometimes, I still miss how things used to be.

But you know what?  I did gain some things from the experience.  I am stronger. I am more quick to ask for and seek what I need.  I am unapologetic to notice and then fix it when something isn’t working for me.  I take inventory of the way I feel and what I want much more often.  Because I know that if I do not take care of myself, I may slide back to the old struggles and that is unacceptable.  Today, I have a huge capacity for joy.  Life is too short not to.

You will get there.  It takes time.  And it takes you making yourself a priority.  I know that you don’t feel normal.  But you are grieving and grief interrupts your normal life.  But it doesn’t last forever.  And many people find that it leaves you with unexpected gifts, so that when things do return to normal, you appreciate them more and you are quicker to take the steps to ensure that they stay that way.

If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I got there on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: If you’ve taken on a spouse’s affair and have won, you really deserve congratulations because I know first hand that this is no easy thing to do. I also know that when many of us are taking this on, we’re thinking to ourselves “ok, just let me get past this next several months. Let me focus on my healing. None of this is going to be easy, but once I get past this and heal, then I’ll be able to move on. So I have to keep my eye on the prize because one day soon, this will all be a distant memory.”

But what happens when we get to that place of healing but we are still not completely free? This happens for many people and it creates deep disappointment. Because it can make you wonder if you will be living with this awful thing for the rest of your life or if you are just not capable of truly healing.

A wife might say: “I truly feel that my marriage is happy now. And a year ago, I would have had my doubts about this. There was a time when I felt pretty sure that my husband and I were going to be divorced in a year’s time. So I am very proud that we are still together today and that we have rebuilt our marriage. I can honestly say that we are happy and I am filled with gratitude about that. But things are not perfect. Far from it. It’s rare that a string of days will go by that I don’t think back to the affair. And when I do, it’s like a dark cloud lurks over my sunshine. It puts a damper on my happiness. This upsets me so much. It’s like a knife in my heart every time it happens because I had felt like I have turned a corner. Am I really not healed? Why do I keep thinking about it when, in my mind, it’s over?”

I am not a therapist, but I can tell you my theory. I believe that it’s quite easy (and common) to get into the habit of ruminating about an affair. Ruminating means that you keep churning it over and over in your mind. You keep coming back to it and you don’t know how to stop. I believe it’s also kind of normal. Because it became such a huge part of your life and it was necessary for you to check in with it every day. And, quite understandably, it became a habit that felt necessary at the time.  But, it’s not necessary anymore, right?

There comes a time when it is no longer necessary and when it is no longer serving you. It’s my experience that this rumination is a habit that can be broken like any other. It takes practice and it takes at least 30 days (as this is the time period that scientists tell us that it takes to reinforce or break any habit.) But it can be done.

The Replacing The Action Theory: Many people agree that one effective way to break a habit is to replace that habit with something else. And that something else should be a healthy or a positive replacement. For example, a lot of people who smoke take up knitting to do something with their hands in lieu of smoking. Or they learn to love sugar free gum as a replacement.

In my experience, you can learn to replace something for the ruminating thoughts. Some people try to replace the thought with an action. And others try to replace it with a thought. When I would find myself being upset by thoughts about my husband’s affair, there were a couple of things I would try. At that time, I was very aware of my appearance and, for my own peace of mind and self confidence, I was trying to improve my fitness. So I would go for a walk or do yoga when this hit – if I could.

Of course, you can not always take a time out of your life and do something else. But you can do something in your own mind. In an instant, you can try to replace that negative thought (the affair) with a positive one. Because I was doing so much yoga at the time, I found mantras incredibly helpful. Now, don’t tune out on me because you think I’m going all “new age” on you. Stay open because a mantra is nothing more than a phrase that you like to divert you from a racing mind or a repetitive thought.

Here are some of the mantras I would use:

The past belongs in the past

The past doesn’t hurt you. It is your thoughts that hurt you.

Your only reality is the here and now.

Let it go.

Right here. Right now.

Look forward to tomorrow. Do not dwell on yesterday.

Today’s blessings.  Not yesterday’s sorrows.

These are just some examples and I used various phrases at different times depending on my mood. Feel free to experiment. The key is finding the right fit for your personality and lifestyle. But please try this. Because you have done the hard work. And you should be reaping the rewards instead of feeling past pain.

And if mantras don’t work, experiment with the replacement that will.  I tried many different things before I hit my stride. But don’t think that you have to serve a life sentence of this because you do not.  Keep moving forward because, with a little effort, I’ll bet that you can leave this behind.  You can read more of my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Sometimes, when we find out that our spouse has had an affair, we need to share this with someone.  We need to get our feelings out and we long for someone to tell us that it is all going to be OK.  We hope that another person can give us sound advice so that our situation might improve.  Unfortunately, when you bear your soul, you don’t always get the best advice.  People may tell you to leave your spouse immediately and without further thought.  Or people will tell you that you just need to ‘stand by your man,’ since you must have done something wrong. There doesn’t seem to be any in between.  Part of your healing is properly evaluating this advice and separating the good from the bad.  I learned the hard way that it was vital to only confide in people who would be sensible. But once you confide in someone, it is too late to take it back – even if they give you suggestions that hurt.

A wife might explain: “after I found out about my husband’s affair, I approached my best friend to talk.  She had dealt with an affair in her own marriage and although it was rough going in the beginning, she and her husband are good now.  Their marriage survived.  So I asked her for insights and her basic message to me was: ‘you really just have to love your husband through this.  He made a mistake. And this behavior is just not like him.’ Her point to me was that I need to support him and stand by him and help him figure out what went wrong so that we don’t go through this again.  But here is my problem.  This approach makes it seem like my husband is a victim.  It makes it seem like he’s suffering from something awful that isn’t his fault.  But it is his fault.  He made a choice.  He is not a victim.  Frankly, it is me who is the victim.  And I am the one who should be ‘loved’ through this.  So my first inclination is to reject what my friend has says. But then I can not deny that she has beat the odds and survived an affair.  But I just can not understand why I am supposed to show love to my spouse after he had an affair.”

I completely understand your thinking.  The last thing I wanted to feel or display was loving feelings toward my husband.  And frankly, I didn’t display or demonstrate this for quite a while.  But, I think that your friend’s point is this.  I think what she means is that during this very stressful and vulnerable time, you have to band together because of your past love for each other.  Because if you don’t, the survival of your marriage might be at risk. I also think she might understand that one day, in order for your marriage to thrive, you’ll have to return your marriage to a loving and affectionate place.

I am not sure that she means that you should just blindly show your husband love RIGHT NOW, immediately after the affair.  If this is what she means, then I am not sure that I agree.  I am not sure that I think it’s realistic to immediately act loving after you’ve found out that his actions haven’t been very loving toward you.  To be sure, this is something that you may eventually want and need to work up to.

And I’d never encourage you to be hateful to your spouse indefinitely or to completely reject him if you still value your marriage (or are entertaining the idea of saving our marriage.)  There’s a fine line there.  But you are entitled to your feelings.  And I don’t think you have to pretend to feel loving when you don’t.

I was always clear on the fact that I still loved my husband after his affair.  But I didn’t display this love for a while.  Because I wasn’t sure about what I wanted to happen.  Still, it was always evident that our past years together meant something – which is why I didn’t immediately end the marriage.  And it was why it was always clear that I was going to think long and hard about our family’s future before I made a decision.

Now, once you do decide that you want to save your marriage and once it’s time to get down to work and move toward a true reconciliation, then you do have to (in a sense) love your spouse through this.  And he has to love you through this.  And this will sometimes mean that you will show him love and affection when you still have doubts and reservations.  But you do this (when you are ready) because you know that it is what needs to happen to help move you toward your goal.  And it gets easier and feels more natural the more that you do it.  And feeling bonded with your spouse really helps when you have to have those difficult conversations or move past the obstacles. But it’s a conscious decision to display the feelings that you are hoping will return and will feel more genuine in the future. But I wouldn’t tell you that you have to fake or display these feelings immediately if you haven’t yet decided what you really want.  You shouldn’t feel compelled to rush, but you may want to know that you might feel differently as your feelings evolve.

As I alluded to, it was a while before I showed my husband loving feelings.  I did it once I was comfortable that I wanted to restore my marriage and I was sure that he was genuinely remorseful and willing to embrace rehabilitation. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, when you are a wife and your husband is having an affair, all you can think about is whether or not he is going to choose you and your marriage.  This can be true even if you are unsure if you want the same thing.

However, once he does chose you, that’s when you can begin to wonder what is happening with her. Quite understandably, many wives initially don’t really care what she is feeling as long as she is doing it outside of every one else’s life and marriage. But there is often a good deal of curiosity about what is going on with her.

A wife might say: “when I first found out about my husband’s affair, I had a very strong, and a very scary, reaction. I kicked him out of our home and I told him that I never wanted to see his face again. Of course, he went right to the other woman’s place. And because I would not talk to him, he stayed with her for a while. One day, he came by my work and begged me to have lunch. I promised ten minutes of coffee. He looked awful and seemed so broken. A few weeks later, he asked me for coffee again. We had plenty of coffees before I would agree to lunch. I was very wary of him. But gradually, we have made progress. My husband wants to save our marriage. I told him I can’t give him any guarantees. He told me that even so, he is going to break it off with the other woman. He said that even without any promises, he wanted to give our marriage the best chance possible. He is living with his sister. And he is going to counseling on his own. The other woman actually left a letter in my mail box. I tore it up and I never looked at it. I didn’t think much about her in the beginning. But now I find myself wondering what she is thinking and feeling. I wonder how it feels to have a married man come stay with you after his wife kicks him out and then watch as leaves because he is willing to live with his sister just to have a small chance at getting his wife back. How must this make her feel. How does the other woman really feel when the husband chooses his wife?”

Well, if there is one thing that I have learned from writing these articles, it is that there is no one personality or reaction of the other woman, just as there is no set personality or reaction of the wife. There are many common feelings or reactions though. And I will list some of them below.

Relief: Believe it or not, it could have been emotionally taxing for the other woman when the husband came to her home. Considering that he was very obviously pining for his wife, it’s likely he wasn’t his charming and loving best while at her home. So she may have suspected that he wasn’t happy or was struggling with the loss of his marriage. Because of that, when he left her house and went to his sister’s for a chance at his marriage, this may just have been an extention of what she already knew. And it might be a relief not to have to live with the drama and suspense anymore.

Plus many “other women” feel a lot of tension from the suspense of wondering how this is all going to play out. When the wife doesn’t know, the other woman can spend a lot of time wondering what the outcome is going to be and running possible scenarios through her mind. But when she finally knows for sure, this can release some of the tension.  And to her surprise, she might feel like she can finally breathe again.

Anger And Feeling Used: Sure, she may have known that she was with a married man and he may have even have made it clear that he had no intentions of leaving his wife. But, that doesn’t mean that she didn’t hope that one day things would be different. If she didn’t, it isn’t likely that she would not have opened her home and her heart to him.

So while she may have always known that this day might come, when it does, it can hurt. It can make her feel like he was only using her all along – as if all he wanted was the release and the ego boost. And now, while the husband may well end up with his wife and will one day carry on as if nothing ever happened, she is left picking up the pieces. Now, she has no one. She is the one left behind.

Understandably, this can leave her feeling very angry and taken advantage of.  There can be a good deal of resentment. I’ve had other women tell me things like: “those two deserve each other. I hope that they make each other miserable for years and years.” Of course, it makes her feel better to think this way. It hurts more to know that it is possible that the married couple will go to counseling, get it together, have a stronger marriage, and be blissfully happy once they recover while she is left with the anger, the bitterness, and the hurt.

Indifference: Of course, they are some “other women” who just shrug this off. Some of them have had more than one affair and they have been through this before. They know that someone else will come along in due time and they figure that you win some and you lose some.

But no matter what the other woman is feeling, this shouldn’t matter to a wife more than what she herself is feeling. What really matters is your bottom line – your feelings, your family, your recovery. Let her go. Wish her ill or wish her well. But wish whatever and then turn your attention away from her. The more you think of her, the more you ruminate. And the more you ruminate, the more this delays your healing.  The best scenario here is that everyone is able to move on with their lives.

Like every normal wife dealing with this, I did worry and wonder about the other woman from time to time.  But I knew that this was a dead end road.  And I wanted to take a road that actually lead me somewhere that I wanted to go.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I find that when it comes to anger after a spouse’s affair, you tend to feel more angry at one person over another. Sure, you may be angry with both people – meaning both your husband and the other woman. But, typically the brunt of your anger is higher for one person.

For example, some wives blame their husband the most. These women sometimes don’t care who the other woman is or what she did. They feel that their husband knew better and they ultimately lay most of the blame with him, since the other woman couldn’t have known the true situation with your marriage or with your life. But your husband most certainly does.

Other people take the opposite approach and will believe that the other woman pursued their unwilling husband or somehow manipulated him to participate. A wife might say: “I know that the other woman came on to my husband. I have seen her in action. She has wanted him for years. She has followed him around at work from the first moment she was hired, always wearing her tight clothing and laughing her fake, little girl laugh. In fact, my husband and I used to make fun of her and joke about this. For years, he resisted. But recently I have had to deal with a stressful situation which has taken a lot of my time. I turned my back for an instant, and she finally got him. Not only did he cheat with her, but now he is saying that he is going to live on his own for a while to figure out which direction he wants to take his life. I am terrified that he is going to decide that he wants to be with her. And I admit that I have been calling the other woman and screaming at her. The other day, one of my coworkers walked in and overheard me giving the other woman a piece of my mind. So my friend asked me about the situation and I told her how this tramp stole my husband away. Do you know what my friend’s response was? She said: ‘a man can not be taken or stolen. He willingly goes.’ What do you think of this?”

This is an old saying that many of our grandmothers used. I understand the thinking behind it. The idea is that a woman can’t drag your unwillingly husband off and force him to cheat. She’s not physically forcing him to do anything. Ultimately, he is cheating because he wants to since he has to actively participate.  It would be very difficult for a woman to force a man to have sex with her.  At least that is the thinking behind the saying.

I do understand this and I can’t argue with it, really. But I also think that there are women out there who set a man in their sights and who relentlessly pursue him even when he has told her no over and over again.

Yes, the man is at fault if he is ultimately worn down and he gives and is unfaithful. That is his fault regardless. But, at the same time, you could argue that he never would have cheated in the first place if she had not so aggressively pursued him.

And I do think that there is a difference between a married man who went looking for an affair and one who reacted to a woman’s advances. Neither man is any less guilty. And both situations can ruin marriages. But one scenario shows prior intent and willful actions while the other does not. To me, there is a slight difference, although that difference often doesn’t matter very much when you are the wife who has been hurt. And most people come to realize that the in the end, the circumstances of the affair don’t matter as much as how you deal with it. Because regardless of how it happened, both scenarios leave you with a serious betrayal and damage to your marriage. And recovery is going to be similar in both situations.

So while I would agree that it definitely takes two willing people to cheat, I also know for a fact that there are some women who are well aware that a man is married and they relentlessly pursue him anyway. The man is no less guilty when he gives in. But the woman’s behavior is also deplorable and you can’t blame a wife for being furious.

I honestly find it hideous for one adult woman to knowingly do this to another.  But I suppose that this is another topic for another day.  My anger was directed at the other woman, but only once I got information that I didn’t know about her.  This actually set me back because I’d started to recover.  And then I made a decision that I was join going to place my focus on myself first.  I was not going to give her any more power. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  One of the biggest issues to overcome after your husband has an affair is your insecurities about sex.  In the best case scenario, your husband assures you that the sex with the other woman wasn’t as great as the sex he has with you.

In the worst case scenario, your husband is clear that he preferred sex with the other woman.  This can be a real problem when you have both committed to save your marriage.  Because no matter how much you may want to move on, anyone would be insecure about their sexuality with this ugly knowledge.

Here’s what I mean. You might hear: “I truly want to make my marriage work, despite the fact that my husband cheated on me.  But I just can’t stop focusing on the fact that the sex between them was clearly the draw.  One day, my husband and I were at counseling and this topic came up.  My husband didn’t say anything at first.  But when pressed, he blurted out how great the sex was.  I couldn’t stop myself from asking ‘better than sex with me?’  And my husband’s reply was ‘yes, much better, to be honest.’  Ever since then, we have regressed in terms of our progress. I don’t want to have sex with my husband now because I am self conscious and I know that he is comparing the two.  I am not sure that I can move past this.  I am always going to feel second best.  Some days, I feel like ending this marriage so that I can eventually find a man who thinks that sex with me is the best and all that he wants.  But then I think about my children.  And I can’t do it.  So I have committed to this marriage, but I don’t know how to move past this.”

I know that this is painful and hard.  And I also know that your inclination might be to try harder, to make yourself what you think your husband finds sexy and seduce your husband and to try to beat her at her own game.  While this is understandable, when it goes wrong, it can be devastating. And there are many reasons that it can go wrong.  You may not be ready to go there yet.  Or perhaps you haven’t yet worked through the awkwardness or you haven’t gotten to the emotional level where good sex is possible.  Trying and then having it go wrong is damaging.  Rather than forcing it, I think that there is a better way.  And I’ll discuss it more below.

Focus On Healing Your Emotions First:  I know that this may seem backward.  I know that you may feel pressured to have good sex.  So placing your focus elsewhere feels like you are only delaying things.  But I firmly believe from my own experience and hearing from others that it’s very hard to have good sex when there is mistrust or issues still between you.  It’s amazing that when you start to heal and have made indisputable progress on your marriage, almost like magic, the sexual chemistry and desire returns.  It is very hard to have one without the other unless you’re going to fake it, which is never advisable.  Wives often worry how their husband will take the delay.  Sometimes, you might be surprised to find that this actually increases his desire because it’s forbidden for now.  You don’t want to present this like it’s a punishment or like you can’t have great sex.  You just want to present it as it’s the natural progression of things, which is going to give you the best chance to save your marriage.  Your counselor can likely help you with this.

Learn Some New Skills To Boost Your Confidence:  Frankly, I have heard from many men on this topic and most of them agree that confidence and enthusiasm are sexy.  It’s very hard to have great sex when you don’t believe it’s possible or when you fear that he really doesn’t want to be there.  You have to know that he wants to be there.  You need to feel that he’s lucky to be with you.

Quite honestly, I have come to believe that good sex is a skill that you can learn just like being a good cook.  Like anything else, it takes practice, but it can be honed.  There are techniques and tricks you can pick up that might shock and delight your husband.  And make it so that you no longer worry that he is comparing the two of you.  Because it will be obvious that he is right where he wants to be.  And as this happens, your confidence will increase and things will get better and better.  This cycle feeds on itself and that is to your benefit.

I know that your self confidence is low and that this is very difficult.  But it is possible to turn this around.  You have to believe in yourself and you have to know that you are good enough.  With a little work and healing, it’s possible to have the confidence that he is lucky to have you.   I finally got there.  It did take work.  It did take me learning new things and going outside of my comfort zone.  But in the end, that was to my benefit.   There’s more detail about this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who deeply regret cheating on their spouse and who would give virtually anything if their spouse would give them any hope at all that they could stay together. Some of the time, the faithful spouse refuses to believe that there in any logic in a person cheating on them and then immediately begging to stay together. As a result, the cheating spouse can be left grappling for ways to prove that he is completely sincere in his desire to stay together.

I can hear from both wives and husbands. But as an example, I might hear from a husband who says something like: “as soon as my wife saw a picture of the other woman, she shut down on me. I mean, she was furious when she found out about the affair and she even stayed with her mother for a couple of weeks. But when she came home, she said that she would consider trying to work it out. But she stressed that she wasn’t making any commitments and that she could change her mind at any time. I didn’t pressure her. I was just so happy to see her come home. We gradually started to talk about the affair more and more. It started to look like we were making some progress. Then, she asked to see a picture of the other woman. I had deleted everything from my phone, but I pulled up a facebook photo. My wife went ballistic. Because the other woman is younger. And she is very pretty. This seemed to bring out every insecurity that my wife could ever have – about her age, about her looks, about her body, and about my commitment to her. I admit that the other woman is pretty. But now I don’t feel anything but regret and shame when I look at her. I prefer the way that my wife looks. I prefer my wife to anyone else. I try to tell my wife this, but she refuses to believe me. She won’t believe that in her words I ‘would rather be a with a middle aged woman I have already cheated on than a hot young thing.’ She may not believe it. But it is true. I want the real deal – real love – with my wife. But now I’m afraid that I will not ever get that chance because she does not truly believe that I want to stay together. I believe she thinks I’m only begging her not to leave so I won’t lose money in a divorce. What can I do to make her believe me?”

I am a firm believer that you can not “make” anyone do anything. And you shouldn’t try to force someone to feel or do something, especially in a loving relationship. But there are behaviors that you can exhibit and things that you can do to encourage your wife to start to trust in you again. I will list some of them below.

Give Her More Of What You Have Been Holding Back On All Along: Husbands sometimes ask me what type of gift they should buy their wife after an affair. This usually shows me that they are on the wrong track. Unless you have a history of being stingy with money, buying your wife something isn’t likely to hit the mark. Anyone can throw money at a problem.  There is no real emotion or vulnerability there. You want to give her something that you haven’t been forthcoming with before to show you that you really are trying.

For example, if you haven’t exactly been giving her your undivided attention or time before the affair, that is a good place to start. Come right home from work. Cook dinner for her or take her out. And listen intently to whatever she has to say. Make her feel really heard and really understood. In truth, she wants to feel special to you. And just spending money to buy her something doesn’t accomplish this. What accomplishes this is your putting in an obvious amount of time and effort just toward her.

This is harder than it sounds. Because when she is angry with you, it can be hard to keep right on trying to be loving and patient when it feels as if all she ever does is to push you away. It can be hard to keep picking yourself up and to keep right on trying every time she rejects you. But this is what you must do if you think that she is worth the effort

Say And Do Things To Make Her Believe That She Is Beautiful In Your Eyes: As a wife you has been through this, I can tell you why she is so mad. Part of it is that she is so hurt. And that she is doubting herself. She sees that young girl and she knows that it is hard for her to compete because no matter what she does, she can not turn back time and be that age again. She lives in a society with youth and beauty are valued greatly. She worries that since you have already cheated on her, you can’t possibly find her as alluring as the woman who you have cheated with.

If this isn’t true and if your wife has it all wrong, then you have to go well out of your way to demonstrate this to her on a very regular basis. You don’t want to overdo it so that you are saying things that sound insincere. But you want to take notice about things that you can be truthful about. If you’re suddenly noticing that your wife has the most beautiful, warm smile, then you want to tell her that. You want to really look at her and you want for her to see genuine appreciation on your face.

Here’s the truth. We can generally tell when you are faking it. We may have our doubts, but honestly, they are mostly based on ourselves and our worries that we are not good enough.

But, if you keep delivering the message, we may begin to believe what you are saying when we begin to feel better about ourselves. And this leads me to my last tip. Encourage your wife to do anything that helps her to feel good about herself. Now, you have to be very careful here. If she says she needs to lose weight, you don’t want to whole heartedly agree that she should go on a diet. You always want to tell her that she is beautiful to you. But, you also want to encourage her to be free to do whatever she feels is necessary to feel confident in herself. This may include counseling, improvements in appearance or clothing, or anything else that may seem silly to you but may be a big deal to her.

Because the better she feels about herself, the more likely she is going to be to love herself so that she can believe you when you tell her that she is lovable and that you want to stay together. I know this first hand.  I had to work on myself before I could believe that my husband truly still loved me.  And his support while I did this was invaluable and noticed.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I know from experience that sometimes in the aftermath of an affair, talking about that dreadful event over and over is probably the most excruciating thing that you can imagine. There are explanations that you don’t want to hear because they are going to give you images that you can’t chase out of your mind. Sometimes, you wish that you wouldn’t continue to have these nagging questions that need to be answered. Because honestly, sometimes you think it would be kinder not to know the answers. The problem though, is that the questions won’t let you alone. They nag you – even when all you really want is to get your peace of mind back. And so you finally bring them forth and you approach your spouse. But he just gets annoyed, frustrated, or angry. Because the truth is that the questions are no fun for him either. And he too wishes that the questions would just stop.

The thing is, if us faithful spouses could stop the questions from popping into our head, we most certainly would. But we can’t. They dog our sleep. They interrupt the rare moments when we find peace. So we must ask the questions, but when we do, we are put off, hushed up, and told that we need to tone it down. So the question becomes how do we find that time when we can get our answers so that both ourselves and our spouse can walk away relatively unscathed?

For example, I might hear from a wife who says: “I fully admit that I am full of questions about my husband’s affair. He has tried to answer many of my questions. But sometimes, after I take a little bit of time to digest what he has said, it doesn’t make sense to me. So I will want clarification or I will want to follow up. But when I try to do that, he gets angry at me and says he feels as if he is going to get the third degree for the rest of his life. So I will wait to ask again when things are good between us and then he says I am intent on ruining the mood. If I wait to bring it up when we are arguing already, then it only makes it worse. How do I find a good time to get my questions answered? Because I feel like I can’t rest until I have complete and total answers.”

Why Getting Your Questions Addressed Is Vital: I understand where you are coming from. And although your husband may never think that there’s a great time for him to be questioned yet again, I completely agree that you shouldn’t just give up. I know that many husbands want a break. And I know that they sometimes wish that you would give it a rest. But in truth, if you give it a rest, then you begin to shut down. You begin to turn this inward. And what happens then is this whole process damages you (and in turn your marriage) even more?

It may not always feel healthy to continue talking about this (and you do not want to dwell on it endlessly) but it is important that you have your core concerns addressed until you are satisfied with the answer or lack of one. (Because sometimes, he truly is telling you the truth as he knows it, even if it doesn’t make complete and total sense to either of you.)

Finding The Right Time: When is a good time? I don’t think that there is ever a perfect time. As this wife said, if you bring it up during good times, then you ruin the momentum and you look like a kill joy who refuses to truly allow herself to be happy. If you bring it up in an argument, you are going to be accused of always throwing it back up in his face. Here is my suggestion and I know that you may not be excited about it at first. But it came to work for me better than anything else.

Come up with an agreed upon time where you can discuss it. Perhaps it’s Tuesday nights or Saturday mornings or whatever time where you are together and can both be calm without interruptions. It also helps hugely if you can set a time limit on it. I know that this might seem unfair to you at first. But it’s important. It forces both of you to give undivided attention because you know that you only have so much time. Plus, because your husband knows that it isn’t going to go on endlessly, he is likely to have more patience.

Some couples have a hard time with this and they end up just agreeing to only discuss the affair in the presence of their counselor. I wouldn’t argue with this logic. Because I believe whatever works for you is valid. And I think that the most important thing is for both of you to know that the affair isn’t going to be brought up endlessly or at a moment’s notice but it is going to be regularly discussed when you still need for that discussion to take place.

As I alluded to, my husband and I did struggle with this issue also.  But scheduling time to have my questions answered worked best of all of the things that we tried.  As I began to heal, I naturally moved away from all of the questions.  But I wouldn’t have given up on them in the beginning. You’re welcome to read more about my experience on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I will admit that I’m always a little surprised when I hear from cheating spouses who are asking for my opinion on what to do to make things right. I’m usually pretty clear that I see things from the perspective of the faithful spouse. Still, sometimes it’s obvious that the cheating spouse is in turmoil over their mistake and they now want to begin to do the right thing. Some want to end the affair, but they know that it is going to cause a lot of pain when they do. So they sometimes ask about the best, and least painful way to proceed.

I might hear from a husband who says: “I know that I have to end my affair. I now know that I want to be with my wife again. I realize that I very wrongly took my marriage for granted. I want to start trying to heal my marriage as soon as possible. I haven’t told my wife yet, but I am going to. The problem is the other woman. She has convinced herself that she is in love with me and that we are soul mates. I admit that I didn’t discourage this because I got caught up in the relationship. But now I regret this and I feel guilty at the thought of breaking things off so abruptly. She’s going to think that she did something wrong when she didn’t. The truth is, I have just now only realized my mistake. There is nothing that she can do to change my mind. But I am starting to consider trying to break it off gradually in the hopes that this will make it easier for everyone. I’ve considered starting out just telling her that I can’t see her as often. And then I will just gradually start to see her less and less. Over time, it will become apparent that the relationship is cooling off and I suspect this will be easier for her to accept. Is this a good way to gradually break it off? Or, from a woman’s perspective, is there a way to do it more gradually that would be even better?”

Why You May Be Wrong In Your Assumptions: Honestly, I do understand your thinking. But there are many assumptions here that may not be correct. I’m going to talk about the wife in a minute. But for now, I’m going to focus on the other woman. The assumption was that she would accept seeing less of this man without question or complaint. There was also an assumption that she wouldn’t catch onto what he was doing and she would believe that suddenly, he had to see her less for legitimate reasons beyond his control.

Here’s the thing. The other woman often isn’t stupid. She knows that it is possible that you could end the relationship at any time because of your wife and your marriage. In fact, some “other women” have already had broken relationships where the married man ends things to go back to his wife. It happens all of the time. It wouldn’t be out of the question that she is already looking out for this. So she may well question you more than you think and, logistically, your plan wouldn’t work or be believable anyway.

Moral Considerations When You’re Trying To Do The Right Thing: Now that we’ve talk about logistics, lets talk about the morality of the situation. We all know that having an affair is wrong. But you can’t take that back. However, what you can do is begin to change your behaviors and begin to do what you know is right. And you have to know that it isn’t right to continue to lead this woman on and to continue to lie to your wife.

By trying to end things gradually, you are prolonging the relationship. And, even if you really are trying to do the right thing, and even if your heart isn’t in the affair anymore, you are continuing to lie to two people. You are continuing to betray your spouse. And you are continuing to engage in the type of behavior that you say you want to avoid.

The Reality Of The Situation: I know that you are trying to avoid pain. But in reality, you are only prolonging the pain. It is more cruel to give the other woman hope when, by your own admission, there really is none. Yes, it will hurt both your wife and the other woman. But, it is going to hurt whenever it happens. And the sooner you end it, the sooner you can begin the healing.  The longer you prolong it, the harder it is going to be.

It is a pretty sure bet that living a lie is causing you stress. Continuing to do it for any longer than necessary just keeps the stress going. I can’t tell you that any of this is easy. It’s not. But in my own experience, the sooner you begin to move toward healing and toward doing what you know is the right thing, the better the outcome is going to be.

I would not have had a lot of respect or patience for my husband if I knew he prolonged the affair even after a change of heart.  From a wife’s perspective, it is very important for her to know that, once her husband decides to save the marriage, he ends things completely and at once.  If he’s truly clear on the fact that it’s over, then anything else just isn’t fair to every one involved.  If it helps, you can read more about our healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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