Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: There is no question that an affair changes your marriage – at least in the short term. But not every one immediately considers a divorce. Sometimes, there are circumstances that preclude a divorce – like children, finances, or religious beliefs, to name only a few.

Despite these circumstances though, people sometimes want to redefine their marriage, even if they are not going to end it. Here’s an example. A wife might explain: “even though I am furious and hurt by my husband’s affair, getting a divorce never entered my mind. It is just not something that I would do. And this is because of my children. They deserve to have a father. And they deserve the quality of life that comes with two parents. If I were to become a single mother, we would struggle emotionally and financially. So I have no intention of divorcing my husband, and he knows this. But I also do not plan to continue on in my marriage as I always have. Right now, I have no plan of being emotionally and physically intimate with my husband. And I have told him as much. But he does not want to accept this. I have told him that for right now, I want to live together as friends. We will raise our children together. We will eat together. We will talk and laugh together. We will share our lives together. But I have no intention of being intimate or romantic right now. I don’t know how long this is going to last. I can’t think that far ahead. My husband says that this is a silly way to live and that he is not going to live that way forever. He acts as if I am asking him to do something odd or unreasonable. I guess he would be right if we were going to live that way forever. But I don’t know that we are. Am I wrong for wanting to take intimacy off the table for now?”

I don’t believe that you are wrong. I did the same thing. I was not ready to resume that aspect of our relationship for a while. We needed to heal our relationship and restore the trust before I was ready for any intimacy. I’m sure my husband would have preferred not to wait as long, but he knew that we were in that position because of his decision to have an affair.

He also knew that it was not going to be in his best interest to pressure me. If he had done that, we may not still be married today.

However, as much as I defend your decision to redefine your marriage as you see fit, I have to tell you that if you just leave things to chance, this may drag on or not end as you want it to. In order to feel right about the physical or romantic part of your relationship, you have to feel right about the emotional side of your relationship. This means exploring why the affair happened and then not only addressing but fixing those issues. It means working tirelessly to restore the trust. These things don’t always happen on their own – even with time. You have to be very proactive about them.

You may not be ready to even think in these terms.  But one day, you likely will be.  And when you are, don’t be shy about getting help if you need it. Sometimes, counseling or self help can at least keep you on track and point out places where you need to direct your attention.

It’s OK if you want to think about that much later. But over the long term, you might find that you deserve better than living in a friendly relationship with your husband. I understand wanting to take it slow and to take intimacy off the table. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with that initially. But that plan is probably not workable in the long term. Because it’s doubtful that either of you is going to be satisfied with it. In order to have confidence that he is not going to cheat again, you’re going to want to know that he is where he wants to be and that you are both content and getting your needs met in the relationship.

Of course this does not need to happen immediately. And you have every right to set the pace and to take things slow. But you want to have an eye toward healing eventually. Because you deserve more than this. I applaud you putting your children first and finding a way to keep their parents under the same roof for their benefit.  I did the same.  But I also wanted to demonstrate a truly healthy marriage.  And if you work on healing your marriage, you can have that. It does take time. And there is no need to rush. Hopefully your husband will come to understand that it is to his benefit to be patient.

I’ve never regretted making my kids a priority after my husband’s affair.  I still firmly believe that they were better off with two parents, even if we struggled immediately after the affair.  I am proud that my husband and I are able to offer them a united family because neither of us had that growing up.  And we both know that there was a void in our childhoods because of that.  If your kids start out as your motivation to heal, that’s perfectly fine.  But you don’t want to have a kid-based marriage for your whole life.  Eventually, you want to be able to give and receive love.  You deserve nothing less.  You’re welcome to read more about my own journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Want To Stay In My Marriage After My Spouse’s Affair, But I Just Want To Be Friends For Now

By: Katie Lersch: It’s very normal for both spouses to have trouble effectively expressing their emotions after the affair.  Sometimes, it is hard to say what you mean.  Other times, it’s easy to feel defensive since the faithful spouse might be lashing out and saying hurtful things. That’s why in this atmosphere, it can be very common for the faithful spouse to feel as if the cheating spouse is ‘not sorry enough.’

Someone might explain it this way: “I need to get this out of the way immediately.  I am extremely sorry about cheating on my husband.  There is no real excuse for it.  I would take it back if I could.  My marriage was under a tremendous amount of stress because of finances.  And I don’t really respect the way that my husband handled it.  As a result, our marriage wasn’t great and I was mad at him.  So when someone at work started listening to me, telling me everything was going to be OK, and sympathizing with me, well that was what I was wanting from my husband and not getting.  So I guess I found that irresistible.  And I cheated.  And just as I was feeling very guilty and about to break things off, my husband caught me.  I swore to him that I was going to end things the very next day, but he didn’t believe me.  So I ended it on the phone right in front of my spouse.  And I explained why I cheated and I cried right in front of him for hours.  Sobbed actually.  And I promised that if he gave me the chance, I would be the best wife imaginable.  He explained that he couldn’t give me an answer right away, but said that he wouldn’t leave or divorce me immediately.  I waited weeks for him to come to a decision.  And now he’s telling me that his decision is that he is not sure that he wants to be with me because he does not feel that I am ‘sorry enough.’  He says that he doesn’t feel that my remorse is genuine and that I am not sorry that I cheated and broke my marriage vows, but I am just sorry that I got caught.  This just isn’t true and I have told him this. But he says I’m just wasting my breath because he’s been watching me very closely and he is not seeing true and genuine sorrow.  I honestly do not know what more I am supposed to do.  Fall to my knees?  Carry on?  Wail and sob?  I mean, I have cried.  I have cried so much I am all cried out.  I did talk to him from the bottom of my heart.  But every time I do this, he doesn’t seem to believe me.  So I’m at a loss.”

I understand this from both sides.  Although I was the faithful spouse and I had similar doubts about my own husband,  I hear from many unfaithful spouses who are going through exactly what you are going through right now.  So, in this article, I’ll try to explain why you are seeing the doubt from your spouse – as someone who has felt the same thing – and I’ll offer some tips on what I think is probably the most effective way to deal with this.

Why Your Spouse May Not Think You’re Sorry Enough: I honestly believe that somewhere deep down, your spouse would truly love to believe what you are saying.  In my own case, I would have been ecstatic to believe that my husband was as sorry as he claimed and that, in time, we could pick up the pieces.  What kept me from just allowing myself to believe this?  Fear.  It is as simple as that.  Knowing that your spouse has cheated hurts you so badly.  It is a pain that you never want to repeat.  And you just can’t help remembering what happened to you the last time you trusted your spouse – you were hurt beyond belief.

So you might be listening to your spouse’s words with longing.  You truly want to believe him.  But in the back of your head, your ego is saying: “watch out.  Your spouse is lying to you to get back in your good graces.  She only wants for you to let your guard down again.  You’d better be careful or you will have your heart broken again.”

Do you see what you are up against?  The fear to trust.  The fear of being hurt.  The fear of being fooled again.  So your spouse is putting up emotional walls to protect themselves.

So How Do You Get Around A Spouse Who Doesn’t Think You Are Sorry Enough?:  I know that it is tempting to become frustrated with your spouse and to try to talk until you convince him.  You might want to tell him that you are doing everything that you know to do and that he is only trying to punish you.

In my experience, this doesn’t work. This may instead make him feel misunderstood and pressured.  Instead, you might try saying: “I know that you don’t think that I’m genuinely sorry, but I am.  I just don’t know how to express it so that it rings true for you.  I understand why you have trouble believing me.  You have every right to your doubts.  But I’m not going anywhere.  I have no problem waiting until you are more comfortable.  I’d love to go to counseling to help us iron this out if you’re willing.  Otherwise, I will just wait until you feel that you’re open to moving forward.  But I can’t say it enough.  I am truly and genuinely sorry.  I wish there was a way to make you believe me right now.  But I am confident that in time, you will see that I am genuine. And that I am patient.”

So this lays the foundation, but then you have to back it up with action.  You have to be loving, patient, sincere, and supportive.  You have to be accountable and reassuring.  Over time, your spouse will likely come to see that try as he might, he just couldn’t shake you and you stood firm in your commitment to him and your marriage.  And that is probably the best indicator of remorse that I can think of.

My husband eventually gained my trust and my willingness back by having loving patience.  He just waited me out.  He told me he understood my concerns and loved me enough to wait.  He said he deserved everything that he was experiencing.  But he valued our marriage enough to not go anywhere. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Had An Affair And My Spouse Says I’m ‘Not Sorry Enough.’

By: Katie Lersch:  Much of the time, we underestimate ourselves.  We look at people facing hardships with dignity and grace and we are full of admiration and awe.  We are proud of them.  We wish them well.  But we also secretly think that we could never handle obstacles or struggles in the same skillful way.  And we are secretly glad that we are not dealing with similar circumstances.

Until we are.  I have to be honest and tell you that I thought infidelity was always going to be something that happened to someone else.  Sure, I’d had beloved friends and even family members struggle with infidelity.  I knew that it happened to good people in good marriages.  And I’d seen a lot of the wives eventually rally and triumph.  But I thought that I could never do that.  And I hoped that I’d never have to.

Of course, it should be obvious by now that I did have to deal with it.  And I know that I’m not alone in my thinking.  Because I get a lot of correspondence from people who ask me how in the world you get through this.  I hear from mothers whose daughters have just learned of a husband’s affair and who are deeply concerned.  They say things like: “my daughter is not a resilient person. I worry that she is never going to recover from this. I worry that she will never see her own worth ever again because of what this selfish man has done.”

Or, I will hear from a wife who says: “I feel so broken because I just found out my husband has been having an affair.  I know that there are women who survive this or even recover from it.  But I am not one of those women.  Those women are better than me because I know that my life is never going to be the same.  How do these wives bear it?”

Well, I can try to articulate this as best as I can.  And, I understand this mindset because I had it.  I too thought that I would never move past infidelity and that it would forever define me and my marriage.  But it hasn’t.  And I have more than moved past it. In fact, I believe that in many ways I am stronger and better. The key?  You use it to fuel you and not to beat you.

I am not going to tell you that it was a smooth process.  I struggled greatly at first.  I felt worthless. I pitied myself.  I thought that I didn’t offer much to myself or to others. But it didn’t take long for me to realize that I couldn’t afford to think this way. People depend on me.  My children.  My employer.  My friends.  My family.  My colleagues.  It was one thing to let down myself by not believing I had it in me to rally back.  But it was something else to let down the people who I cared very much about.

And so I let my strong emotions fuel me instead of letting them stop me.  I made some decisions.  I decided that my children would never pay the price for my husband’s infidelity.  They would not have an unsure mother who didn’t look people in the eye.  They would not have a mother who was fearful and afraid.  They would not have a mother who was not going to model believing in yourself.   I decided that I wasn’t not going to be less than I knew that I could and should be because of what someone else did.  And I decided that I wasn’t going to be knocked off balance due to something that I did not do and could not control.

Now we all know that it is easy to say these things.  But it is harder to carry them out.  Dealing with an affair saps your confidence, your energy, and your determination.  It is a process to get these things back.  But you get them back by actively working on this.  You fake it until you make it. You take inventory as to what is sapping your strength and you address those things so that they no longer drag you down.  You ask yourself what you are managing to do well and you do more of it. You seek help when and if you need it without the slightest bit of shame. And you are gentle with yourself when you struggle.

I suppose my answer to the question of “how do women survive when their husband confesses to an affair” is that they just pick themselves up because that is what they have to do.  What is the alternative?  To be wounded and broken over something that you didn’t do?  To struggle when you are not the one who made the mistake?  That wouldn’t make a lot of sense, would it?

No, instead you figure out what is standing between you and emotional health and happiness and you address those things – with the help of a professional if you need to.  And you keep reminding yourself that although your circumstances might have changed, you have not.  You did nothing wrong.  And like anyone else faced with challenges in life, you keep moving forward because doing otherwise is letting yourself – and those you love – down.  You rise to the occasion because doing otherwise isn’t fair to you or to anyone else.  And because you still deserve the best life that you can provide.

Use these struggles and this pain as fuel.  If you need to use your anger as fuel or you need to “show him” how strong you can be, go right ahead.  Use whatever motivation works.  And keep right on going.  When you have to take a step back, realize that you will rally again.  Be kind to yourself.  None of this is your fault.  And I don’t believe that any woman needs to think that she can’t move on because of this.  You absolutely can. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Do Wives Survive When Their Husband Confesses To An Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: Those of us who have had someone cheat on us know that our worst fear becomes having to deal with this again at sometime in the future. So we become very adept at watching and looking for any clues as to whether anything is amiss. This is understandable, considering the pain that we have gone through. But always looking for (and expecting) the worst can take a huge toll on us. Because we’re always worrying and we feel that we can never let our guards down. This makes it very difficult for us to offer genuine trust. And it’s hard for a marriage to thrive under these circumstances.

People will often try to offer advice to give us some relief. We’re often told that worrying about future repeat cheating is just a waste of time. People will imply that we are only hurting ourselves. I might hear from someone who says: “I would absolutely love to blindly trust in my husband and not even consider that he might one day cheat again. This would actually be such a relief to me. Because it is very difficult for me to go about my day to day business without that constant worry and sense of dread being present. It’s not that my marriage today is bad. It isn’t. My husband has rallied to become a very good husband. He goes out of his way to show me that he is trustworthy. So on the surface, everything looks good. But I don’t know that I can really trust this. Because everything looked good before he cheated the last time and yet, he did. I can tell that my husband gets frustrated with me when I ask him things meant to give me more information as to whether or not he could possibly be cheating. One of my friends told me that all of the worry and turmoil is a pointless waste of my time. She says that all of the worry and turmoil won’t change the future. She says all this doing is prolonging my pain and suffering. And that if he is going to cheat again, all of my worrying won’t prevent it. Is she right?”

To an extent, yes, at least partly. I believe that she is partly right. And the reason is that by worrying, you are feeling the pain which you would feel IF the event happened, but your still paying the price for something that hasn’t even happened yet. You are feeling future pain for an event that may never happen. And if this is true, one day you may look back and realize that it all was a waste of time and that it harmed your marriage.

However, I know first hand that even though you may completely understand this intellectually, it is very hard to put this into practice. You can tell yourself not to worry, but you can not seem to control it. Thoughts pop into your head and it is almost impossible to ignore them.

I know this because I experienced it. Short of ignoring your worries or trying to turn off any intuition which might actually be useful, how are you suppose to deal with this? I can tell you what my rule of thumb has been. And it may or may not work for you. I would make a deal with myself that I would make the worry work for me and then I would let it go.

What do I mean by this? Well, I believe that in some cases, worry has at least some usefulness. The worry does make you attentive so that you probably won’t miss things that you might have missed in the past. It does encourage you to pay attention to your marriage and to subtle clues. And that is actually useful sometimes.

But, beyond that, it is destructive and has no real use other than to make you paranoid and miserable. So I would always tell myself that I would reasonably observe. But beyond that, I would let it go and just know that should future cheating occur, I would deal with it then. (And I made it my business to strengthen myself so that I could deal with anything.) But I certainly wasn’t going to go through my life feeling pain from an event that wasn’t yet on my doorstep.

So when I felt suspicious and concerned, I’d straight out be honest and admit this to my husband. If his response ringed true, I’d let it go and move on. After a while, I used self talk. Something would pop into my head and I’d think: “Ok. Let’s look at this rationally. Am I just responding to my emotions or am I seeing something real?” Frankly, most of the time, I was just responding to my emotions. So instead of lashing out or acting paranoid, I’d learn to distract myself. I programmed myself to do something nice or beneficial for me when these feelings struck. This helped me to hit a stride and get in a positive cycle rather than a destructive one.

I’d also like to reassure you that the constant worry does fade with time. After a while, you hopefully realize that your husband is doing exactly what he says, which eventually lets you believe that your trust is justified and that you don’t really need to worry anymore.

Because the truth is that constant worry actually doesn’t help to ward off what you fear the most. Sometimes, it actually makes the thing you fear more likely. So I think it’s best to let the worry work for you – in order to make you observant. But beyond that, let it go. When you have the answers you need, then there is no need to borrow worry from a future place. Because that truly is just hurting you more and wasting your time.

I understand that all of this is easier said than done.  And I had to constantly check in with myself and use pointed self talk at times.  But doing this is better than just surrendering to the worry. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on People Tell Me That Always Worrying My Spouse Will Cheat Again Is A Waste Of Time. Are They Right?

By: Katie Lersch: I find that there is a perception that most faithful spouses see the affair coming and are not all that surprised by it. The theory behind this is that in most affairs, there is a long term problem (or void) within the marriage and both people feel it. So, while the affair is upsetting, it’s not so much of a shock.

While this is the prevailing assumption with affairs, it’s my opinion that it just is not always true. I hear from many people who had strong, solid, and fulfilling marriages and who, understandably, did not see the affair coming because they were truly happy and every signal that they could see indicated that their spouse was happy also. And these marriages can struggle greatly after the infidelity is discovered because the faithful spouse is often at a loss as to how to understand it, other than to point to inadequacies with the cheating spouse – like a lack of character.

A faithful spouse might say: “I just do not understand my situation. I have been married for seven years and I can honestly say that I had the type of marriage that all of my friends and family admired. I know that I probably sound delusional, considering I’ve just found out that my husband has been cheating on me. But I am being very honest. This is not me reaching. I have honestly heard from countless people who have told me I have the marriage that they want. My husband and I own a business together. We know each other intimately. We work together and use each other’s strengths and weaknesses to make our business and our marriage work. We are best friends. Communication or sex has never been a problem for us because we have always made our marriage a priority. We travel all of the time so we do have a good deal of excitement in our lives. Things are not stale for us. We don’t have any “bad” stressors weighing down on us. We are financially secure. Now, here is the real kicker. My husband is claiming there isn’t even any attachment to the other woman. He is not telling her that he is going to leave me. He says that she doesn’t want him to. I actually heard him talking to his brother about this. And he told his brother that the other woman isn’t even really that pretty or smart and that he would never have a serious or long term relationship with her. My husband confided to his brother that he had no idea what he was thinking as there weren’t even real attraction or connection. He told his brother he might have jeopardized the best thing that ever happened to him. He’s right about that. I have always made it very clear that I would never tolerate infidelity. I think men who cheat or weak and stupid. I never thought I would see my husband this way, but now I do. Since my husband can’t offer me any logical explanation as to why someone would jeopardize a really supportive marriage over an affair with no real purpose or future, I thought I’d ask someone else. Why?”

I wish I had an answer that made perfect sense, but I can only speculate. And that’s really all it is because while some men are full of excuses for the cheating, other men are at a loss as to offer any real or plausible explanation. They will just stare blankly and give you confusing phrases like they have “no idea what they were thinking.”

Self Sabotage, A Lack Of Self Esteem, Or A Time Of Struggle Outside Of The Marriage: In these situations, I often think the man somehow is participating in self sabotage or that he doesn’t think he is worthy of his life or of his marriage. His self esteem may have taken a hit for some reason. He may have grown up with a father who wasn’t faithful or he may just be reacting to a situation where a woman made herself available to him and he acted on a fast impulse that he later regretted.

The point that I am trying to make is that there isn’t always a logical or “good” explanation. And you may never completely understand it because he might not understand it enough to explain it in a meaningful way. Frankly, we’ve all acted in that split second where we do something very regrettably that leaves us confused as to our motivations.

Fortunately, most of the time, these lapses are harmless and fixable – like making an unfortunate comment to your child’s teacher or forgetting lunch with a friend. But when these lapses are something as serious as cheating, we feel the need to examine that deeply because the ramifications are so unfortunate.  And we never want it to happen again.

I’d strongly suggest encouraging your husband to consider counseling. It is probably the best way to help him uncover why he acted so self destructively and why he felt the need to jeopardize what was most precious to him. It may help you to know that this isn’t that uncommon. Many people who cheat can’t really tell you why and they will insist that they had a sound marriage and were genuinely happy. And then, for a reason they can’t pinpoint other than stupidity or self destruction, they act on impulse and at that point, there is no going back.

Of course, with work, he can figure out why he acted in a way that caused such harm. And he can teach himself to have more self control. It is up to you to decide what you want to happen with your marriage after that. But it’s my opinion that a man who has been a good and loving spouse with a high degree of character up to that point can be rehabilitated, at least this was my opinion with my own husband. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Would A Man Jeopardize His Healthy, Supportive, And Fulfilling Marriage To Have A Pointless Affair?

By: Katie Lersch:  When you first find out that your spouse has been cheating, you probably expect for HIM to be the one who is sorry.  Unfortunately, many wives are very surprised to find that their husband also expects for them to be sorry.  If this isn’t disappointing and confusing enough, many find themselves shocked to feel genuine remorse – even when they are not the spouse who has done the cheating.

Here’s what I mean.  Someone might say: “let’s get one thing straight.  My husband is the one who cheated.  I have never been unfaithful to him and I never would be.  I take my commitments seriously. But after I caught him cheating, he tried to paint me as a terrible wife.  He said that he always felt like I was judgmental and critical of him.  He said that I never built him up.  He said that being married to me was like being married to an abuser. He recounted specific fights where I said mean things to him and he says that I have done nothing to keep our sex life exciting and frequent.  He told me that over the last two months, we’ve only had sex three times.  And he says he knows this because he has counted.  He told me that I have no idea what it is like being married to me.  At first I was very angry that he would say these things to me.  But as I calm down, I realize that some of what he says has a tiny bit of truth in it.  And then I started to remember back to some of the incidents he talked about and I felt guilty.  And then I started to feel like a bad person.  And now I feel so completely remorseful that I almost see how he was justified in cheating.  How did he do that?  How did he turn the blame away from himself and make me the bad guy instead of him?  How did it turn the tables like that?”

This Behavior Is Extremely Common And Predictable: What your husband has done is a very common tactic that most people try when they are caught cheating – even if they do not realize that they are doing it.  Because it is just human nature to want to defend yourself when you have done something for which you should feel an overwhelming amount of guilt.  Every one is going to want to minimize what they have done even if they know it is their fault.

Taking responsibility for something as hurtful and heinous as cheating on your spouse is painful all the way around.  It’s natural to want to minimize the hurtful feelings that come with this.  And one way to do that is to look for someone else to at least share the blame.

Drawing The Line About How Much Responsibility You’re Willing To Take: Let’s be clear.  No one has the perfect marriage.  Every one does things in their marriage that they regret.  I’m sure that some of the criticisms that your husband has are accurate in his eyes.  Some of the things that he is saying might end up being constructive criticism that motivates you to make some positive changes, even if you chose not stay married.  And there is nothing wrong with this.

But if you allow him to place the blame on you, then he’s not taking responsibility for his own actions and this may slow or even thwart your healing.

Further, remorse is an emotion that is useful only if you use it to make change. So while I don’t think you deserve all of the remorse you’re feeling, one way to ensure that this all isn’t a waste is to calmly examine each one of his claims to see which are valid and which are not.

If you think it’s worthwhile, you can certainly work on those areas that are relevant.  But you don’t have to just accept every criticism that he makes if the criticism is not valid.  You have to keep in mind that he is in panic mode and that is he is trying to save himself.  So he’s going to spew a lot of things at you and hope that some stick.

To set the tone, you might have a conversation like this one: “in the days to come, I’m going to sit down and examine what you have said to see if I want to make any changes based on this.  But for now, this is about your actions.  I don’t claim that our marriage was perfect.  We both know it was not.  But no marriage is perfect.  And ideally, in an imperfect marriage, the unhappy spouse approaches the other as an adult to work out their problems.  They don’t use cheating and lying as a solution, while placing the blame on someone else.  In order for us to move forward, you are going to need to take responsibility for the choice you made.  Sure, I wasn’t perfect.  But I did not cheat.  I’ll be looking at my behaviors that may have contributed to this, but I expect for you to do that also.”

You don’t need to be harsh about this, but in my experience, you do need to be calm and firm.  He needs to know that you are not going to accept the blame, although remorse in understandable.  Because sometimes, the remorse you feel is more for what has been lost than for your own behaviors.  If it makes you feel better, you can take an honest look and then make some changes.  But the actual cheating is the responsibility of the person who cheated.  Because there were many other options available to your husband.  But he did chose to cheat.  And he should own that.

At least that is the way that I see it.  But it’s only an opinion.  I was culpable in some of the things that lead to the affair, but I do not consider it my fault.  I do not take responsibility for the fact that my husband chose to cheat, although I did make some changes as a result.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Does My Cheating Husband Succeed In Making Me Feel Remorseful. How Does This Work?

By: Katie Lersch:  Faithful spouses can hear many excuses meant to justify the cheating.  Sometimes, the excuse will try to shift the blame elsewhere. For example, a cheating husband will accuse his wife of being inattentive and cold.  Or a cheating wife will say her husband never appreciated her.  Sometimes though, the cheating spouse is willing to take all of the blame.  But the reason that he gives makes the faithful spouse question his sincerity.  Because his excuse is that he felt badly about himself.

In this scenario, a common comment would be: “for weeks, I have tried to get my husband to be honest with me about why he cheated on me with one of his coworkers.  He wouldn’t really say anything about it.  Until I got really angry and forceful with him.  And then he blurted out that he thought he cheated because he felt bad about himself at this point in his life.  I told him that this was crazy talk because my husband is one of the most confident people that I know.  He is very successful and he is very well liked, so it is hard for me to buy this.  He said that he really feels his age and he feels that people only like him because of his success. He says that deep down, he feels like a fraud. He felt that the other woman saw the real him and liked him anyway.  I suppose I should appreciate his attempt at honestly, but I just do not buy it.  Is this a common excuse?”

It is not an uncommon excuse, but it is MUCH less common than the cheating spouse trying to blame the other spouse or to make lame excuses that point the finger at anywhere but himself.  It is much more common for a cheating husband to try to tell his wife that she was too demanding or not there for him than for him to own up to his own shortcomings. So, as far as excuses go, I honestly prefer this one to some others because at least he is taking responsibility.

And frankly, I often write about my theory that an affair often happens after a personal crisis or a time of self doubt.  I just see this over and over again.  So yes, I do buy this line of thinking very much.  I understand that the husband appeared to radiate confidence but quite honestly sometimes the people who seem the most confident can be the most insecure.  They can feel that they need to live up to some expectation or they can feel like at any time, people cane find out that they aren’t as great as they would appear at first glance.  They often feel as if they have to be careful not to let anyone see their “true self.”

Also, people who were full of confidence in their youth can start to question if they are still worthy or if they still have all of their attributes as they age.  And, if your husband felt that he was slipping a little at work or if for some reason business had changed, this would be yet another challenge to his self esteem.

I can’t possibly know if all of things were true in this particular situation.  But I can tell you that I do sometimes hear from men who have had affairs who have recounted the exact same thing – that the affair was a pitiful attempt to feel better about himself at a time when he felt very vulnerable.

Honestly, it’s my opinion that the affair is often an attempted escape from these feelings of inadequacy – even when the person cheating can’t see this clearly.  And the great irony of all of this is that once the affair is found out, not only are these vulnerabilities exposed and must be dealt with, but now everything is compounded because he has an angry wife and a marriage whose future is uncertain. And this makes him feel doubly bad about himself.

Let me be clear though.  Feeling bad about yourself isn’t an excuse to cheat.  It can be a contributing factor and ut’s a common reason to cheat, but there is never an excuse that makes it OK.  So while I think that your husband could be telling his absolute truth, that doesn’t mean that he gets to side step the damage that he has done.  That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have to work long and hard to make this right again, while also addressing those vulnerabilities that lead up to this in the first place.

In short, he’s got a lot of work to do and a lot of his plate at a time when he is already struggling.  And it’s entirely up to you if you want to give him a chance to address things or try to save your marriage.  But as far as whether people cheat because they feel badly or insecure about themselves, yes, I buy it.  In fact, I believe that it is one of the most common reasons for cheating.

I can look back now and see where my husband was struggling, although I didn’t buy it at the time.  Still, his struggles (which weren’t his fault) didn’t negate the damage that the affair did to us.  And the responsibility for fixing that lied with him.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Spouse Says He Cheated Because He Didn’t Feel Good About Himself. Is This Believable?

By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, when we are reeling from the discovery of a spouse’s affair, we also have to deal with questions about what role we, as the faithful spouse might have played in all of this. Sometimes, even our friends or loved ones ask pointed questions about ourselves and our about our marriage – almost insinuating that we did something wrong, that maybe we didn’t keep our husbands happy or didn’t maintain a nice home life – all of which might have lead him to stray. It can begin to feel as if society can put at least some of the blame on the faithful spouse, which can lead you to wonder if you have to take any responsibility for someone else’s actions.

A wife might ask: “is it just expected or assumed that a wife who has never been unfaithful still has to stand up and take responsibility when her husband has an affair? My family, my friends, and even my therapist make little comments that clearly indicate that I played some role in the decline of my marriage and therefore I should not be surprised to learn that my husband has been cheating on me. I sort of take exception to this. No, my marriage wasn’t perfect. But I have always been faithful and loyal, which is more than I can say for my husband. To me, this feels like a double kick in the teeth. First, I must deal with my husband cheating on me and then I am told that it is partially my fault. How much responsibility does the faithful spouse have to take? And how is this fair?”

I agree with you that it is not fair. I struggled with this also. And I can only tell you my opinion.  You may or may not agree, but I believe that it is up to you as to how you want to evaluate yourself and your marriage in this puzzle. There are no rules. That said, I believe that in some cases, it is beneficial for you to examine any behaviors and tendencies.  But that is very different from taking responsibility for someone else’s actions. I do not think that there is ever justification for cheating. I believe that the blame lies with the cheater.

Admittedly though, I do think that something can be gained by looking at all of the factors that lead up to the cheating, including the roles that both spouse’s played in the marriage. And this is not to shift the blame or to offer up excuses and justifications. This is simply to help you in making sure that the affair doesn’t happen again.

In a sense, you are doing a little detective work to determine what caused the perfect, destructive storm that lead up to the affair. You are looking at all of the pieces of the puzzle. This is necessary so that you can avoid this happening to you again – even if you don’t save your marriage.  Regardless, you are going to have to deal relationships for your entire life.

And here’s something that people rarely talk about. I think it’s somewhat helpful to look at your behaviors because you may be repeating these patterns in other areas of your life or in other relationships. I will use myself as an example. One reason that my husband gave for his affair was that he felt that I pressured him to earn a certain kind of living – which required travel and loneliness. I rejected this. He was the one who pursued his career and although I certainly wanted my family to be safe and well cared for, I didn’t have specific requirements.

In this ongoing conversation, my husband brought up my somewhat controlling nature and used my tendency to over parent and be overprotective of our family as an example. I rejected this too, but because it was brought up to me, I started to watch my behaviors more closely. And I found that my husband had a valid point. I actually asked my family about this and it was confirmed that I have a tendency to be controlling. I worked on this and my family life has improved dramatically.

Does my tendency to control justify the affair? Absolutely not. But it was helpful for me to see this and to address it. My relationships are much better and I feel less stress because I’ve let go of trying to control everything. So while I certainly did not excuse my husband’s behavior because of this contribution, I am glad that the affair brought my attention to this.  Because it has improved my life.  It is a relief that let that behavior go.

Again, this is only my opinion. But I don’t feel that you need to take on any of the affair onto your own shoulders. Adults who have relationship problems should work out that same problem with the other adult instead of cheating on them.

But if there were things about yourself or about your marriage that contributed to your spouse’s mindset and you can use this information to make things better, then I really do not see the harm in that, as long as its clear that none of this means that your spouse’s own responsibility is diminished.

I can look back now and see that my marriage was vulnerable.  And I’ve tried to end those vulnerabilities by changing some behaviors.  But, none of this excused my husband and I made sure that he understood that. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Much Personal Responsibility Does The Faithful Spouse Have To Take For The Affair When They Are Not The Ones Who Cheated?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are fluctuating on their decision as to whether or not to stay in the home after they have caught their husband cheating. Many are trying to weigh the pros and cons of this and are having trouble coming up with any pros or advantages.

The thought process goes something like this: “it’s only been a couple of days since I found out about my husband’s affair. He is all but begging me to stay put and to try to work it out with him. He is telling me that I will never know how sorry he is, etc. Some of my friends are urging me to move out and to stay with them for a while. I am tempted to do this, but I am concerned as to what might happen to my marriage if I leave. I am also concerned my husband will go back to the other woman in this scenario. Granted, I am not even saying I want my marriage because I don’t know if I do. Are there any advantages to staying put for now?”

I think that there are advantages and disadvantages for every option. And what is right for one wife or one couple may not be right for another. Plus, sometimes the situation or the decision changes and that is OK too. In this article, I will discuss some advantages to staying where you are.

You Will Be Able To Keep An Eye On Him To Have More Reassurance That He Isn’t Still Cheating: In a perfect world, we could all believe our husband’s reassurances that he isn’t currently cheating or that he won’t cheat again. We could have absolute confidence about this and would never doubt it. But this isn’t reality for most of us. Even though we would like to believe that repeat cheating is not something that we will have to worry about, most of us worry about it quite a bit, at least until healing is complete.

At least if you are still living under the same roof, you will have an idea as to where he is and what he is doing. When you are not living together, it is very easy to assume he is still cheating, even if he isn’t.

Because You Are In Close Proximity To Him, You Will Have An Idea As To How You Are Feeling Since There Will Be Interaction: It’s very easy to write your spouse off after you catch them cheating. Some of us immediately want to wash our hands of them and assume that we will never feel loving toward them again.

I defend every one’s right to make their own choices and decisions. And for some, cheating truly is a deal breaker for which they would never back down from their beliefs.

That said, I think that some couples bow out very early – and before they even take a little time to just step back and watch and wait. I almost did this. And I cringe when I think about it now.  I believe that it can take some time to truly evaluate how you feel and what you want. If you’re still having to interact with your husband, this gives you a little more information about how you might be feeling about him and the status of your relationship.

But if you walk away, you have less of an opportunity to gage your feelings. Since you’re not interacting with him and seeing his reactions and behaviors, you’re only able to speculate.

You’re Better Able To See If His Claims Are True: When people are caught cheating, they will often make all sorts of promises. They tell you that they will change. That they will come right home. That they will straighten up their lifestyle so that they are not participating in behaviors that put them at risk for cheating. Words are a start. But words are cheap. They only mean something when someone backs them up.

If you aren’t regularly interacting with your husband, then you have no way to know if he is going to back up his claims. But if you live with him, then you are able to watch him very closely to gage his sincerity and level of truthfulness.

Many Healing Exercises Require Frequent Access: If you are going to try to save your marriage, you will often find that this requires a lot of communication and one on one time. Whether you go to a counselor or try some self help work, you’re often asked to spend a lot of time with your spouse doing the work that you need to do. This is more difficult if you aren’t living together, although it is not impossible.

It’s not my intention to imply that staying under the same roof after an affair is the only way to approach this. I just don’t think that this is the case for everyone. My husband and I spent a short amount of time apart, even though we never officially lived separately. I just needed some time to process my thoughts. But, the ideal situation is going to vary from couple to couple. You can read more about the challenges and how I handled them on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Are There Any Advantages of Staying With A Husband After His Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are greatly struggling with their spouse’s infidelity. Many are surprised that they are struggling this way because they consider themselves to be resilient people who can mostly cope with challenges quite well. They do not understand why they can’t just lean on their resolve and carry on like they always have.

You might hear someone who says: “it has been months since my husband had an affair. And yet, I am still hurting so much. I know that my husband isn’t cheating anymore. I know that he wants to work things out. And I know that I need to move forward. And yet I can’t. I am so focused on the hurt. The pain won’t go away and so I can’t focus on much else. The thing is, I’m no stranger to pain in my marriage. Early on, we lost all of our money on a poor investment. We lost our home. I had a serious illness and for a while, we didn’t know if I was going to make it. There have been a lot of hardships in our marriage and we have overcome them all and even though they were painful, I was able to put them behind me. I just do not understand why this is so different. Why does infidelity hurt so much? Why is it so different?”

I can and will give you my theory. By no means am I an expert, but I have been through this. I know the pain. And I believe that one reason that it hurts so much is because you feel rejected at a time when you allowed yourself to be vulnerable.

And for all of the other obstacles we face in our marriages – illness, money problems, disagreements, these things do not feel like a personal rejection. We generally will become angry with our spouse. We may feel fear and anxiety. But in the end, we band together because we are in it together. And we don’t necessarily doubt our spouse’s love for us during it. We know that we are in a tight spot, but, for better or worse, we are in it together.

However, when infidelity is involved, we don’t know if we are in it together. Because we don’t know if our spouse wants us anymore. We don’t know if our spouse considers us attractive anymore. We loved our spouse and we let them in. We allowed them to see us the true us, the real us, the one who is without pretense. And, in the end and because of the infidelity, we worry that we weren’t good enough because, even if only for a little while, they chose to be with someone else.

And this feels personal. It feels like they saw deep inside us and they rejected the core of who we are. And so we have to wonder if this crisis is going to pass. Because we don’t have the knowledge that we are in this awful thing together. What if we let our guard down and they cheat again? What if our marriage becomes one of those bitter unions where the husband can’t stand the wife and she only stays so she can punish them? Who wants to live in a house without laughter and love?

Infidelity hurts so much because it can make you believe that your world will never be the same again and that the past you thought so wonderful was actually a lie all along.

I’ve painted a very bleak picture, haven’t I? Honestly though, I don’t think anyone can deny that infidelity hurts with a pain that rivals few other types of hurt.

But as intense as it can be, for many of us, it fades with time. I mean, I don’t think about my husband’s infidelity on a constant basis anymore. But if I were to conjure it up right this second and focus on those memories, of course I would hurt.

But it’s not that intense pain that I fear will never end anymore. It’s that sore of dull ache of wishing I could change it but knowing that I can’t. But I do have to say that with that dull ache comes a sort of triumph because it turns out that my husband and I were in that together.

We did band together. And we did overcome that obstacle like many others. And we learned and we reconnected to make sure that our hurt wasn’t in vain. So yes, infidelity hurts because it is the worst of all betrayals by the person who you love the most. But, thankfully, it is a hurt that generally fades with time. And the more you heal, the less it hurts.

Yes, some of this just takes time. But one thing that you can do, right now, is to tell yourself that you are absolutely good enough. I believe that much of the hurt from infidelity comes from the fear that you weren’t quite up to the task of being the best wife and the best person that you could be. You worry that someone else was prettier, sexier, younger. You worry that someone else took what was yours because she was in some way better.

To really begin to fade the hurt, you have to reject these thoughts. You are absolutely good enough.  Being the best wife and the best person in the world doesn’t prevent infidelity.  Because the flaw is in the cheater.  Not in the cheated on.

And once you believe that, the healing can begin. You can read more about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Does Infidelity Hurt So Much?